The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 171: You Must Always Remember That

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

This week on Round Table: a man accidentally shoots his friend during a Sasquatch hunt, a teenager is arrested for shouting Bingo in a Bingo hall, and a frat boy loses a testicle in a hazing ritual. Joining us today: Amber Nelson and Andy Haynes!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay out, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Yeah, fuck you. Nice comeback. Should I do a guided? Yeah, yes. I mean, do it, man. Pressure's on.

We're recording. These mics are hot. Alright. Fuck, dude. I'm high, man. Oh, really? Well, I'm sorry. Okay. I'm not high, mom. Is everybody high? I'm high, man. Oh, really? Well, I'm sorry. Okay. I'm not high, Mom. Is everybody high? I'm not high.

Okay, now you are. You're a little high. Yeah, we're all a little high. I'm a bit high. I just did take two shots of tequila, though. Okay, that's fine. I did the shippy that day last night. Thank you, Lord, for marijuana.

You gotta use that thing. All right, guys. Is that? No, that'll be the... No, we'll listen now. We'll listen now. No, no, no. I mean... Sorry, go'll be the... No, we'll listen now. We'll listen now. No, no, no. I mean...

Sorry, go ahead and stop. Alright, please close your eyes for a guided meditation. I made all... Everybody... Everybody listening, all the listeners, you should feel ashamed

to yourselves. Why? You fucking pricks listening to this every fucking week. What are you... There's so many other things you could be doing right now. I don't think we're... They enjoy. There's so many other things you could be doing right now.

I don't think so. There's so many things we could be doing. We're the lame ones. We're the ones who do it every week. I want to live life, Lord. That's all I've got. All right, you're on a roller coaster. You're on the beach.

Jesus Christ. You're fucking not listening to the round table, just being like, oh, man, I'm doing life. I'm living life. I'm living life. I'm getting out there. Dad. Yeah, man. It's your fucking fault. It's his fault.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you're punching my dad. You're beating him head in. Getting him good. Beating his brain in. He deserves it. That fucking bastard.

Then you turn the mirror on yourself, and oh, my God, the mirror is my dad. You're looking at you, but you're looking at my dad because you're my dad. You fucking bastards. That's right. I want to kill my son. Yeah, you're back on the roller coaster now. Thank you, Amber. You're back on the fucking roller coaster now.

We're still at the beach. And you got a boner and you don't know why. And then, you know, you turn to a fucking bird and you stop listening. Amen. Amen. Amen. Wow, thank you, Holden. That was awesome. That meant a lot.

Yeah, we just cracked over 150 listeners, so let's just start paring it down a little bit. Let's get back to 33. All right, well, who is everyone around this round table? We got a great chuckle up, by the way. Jackie Zebrowski. I lose three pounds every time I cum, which means I never cum. Oh, I see.

So it's not fat. It's all just semen or female ejaculate inside of you? Yeah, it's my ejaculate. Yeah, so I just need to get squeezed. I need it to be squeezed out of me like a goddamn blister pus. Oh, okay. That's great. Yeah.

Jackie just came off a long day of work today. I guess she's tired. She had a bit of a rendezvous with Jägermeister last night at the classy party. Oh, man. Ed Larson. How you doing, guys? Hello, Ed. Thank you for being sweet.

Nice. Nice. To see everyone, hear everyone. Wow. Feel America. It feels great. Nice. Nice. To see everyone, hear everyone. Wow. Feel America. I'm, feels great. Yep.

That's Kevin Barnett's out feeling butts in Florida right now. So sitting in for him. We haven't seen this guy in a long time. He's from Los Angeles, but he used to live here

and we love him. Andy Haynes is here. Hey, what's up everybody? Yay. If I seem a little bit stoned on tonight's. You skipped over Holden.

You skipped me. No, you prayed. We never say the person's... You skipped over Holden. You skipped me. No, you prayed. We never say the person who prayed. We always say it. Yeah, we always say it. Everyone does it. Don't stop talking about me. All right.

No. Yeah, Holden. Let people know that you're here. I'm fucking Holden. He gives a shit. There we go. Thank you. Thank you for being here, Andy.

Yeah. You were going to say if you seem a little stoned. It's your fucking fault. Okay. Because you brought in this sweet vaporizer. I love this vaporized weed. It's a perfect thing. I love it, Andy. Yeah, you were going to say you seem a little stoned. It's your fucking fault. Okay. Because you brought in this sweet vaporizer. I love this vaporized weed. It's a perfect thing.

I love it, dude. I love it. Somebody hooked me up with it. He had one that was like, do you have this where it's like a little electronic cigarette,

almost? No, but they sell those in LA. This is like, it's mine, and I put wax in it. It's awesome. Look at that thing. Can we describe,

can someone describe this piece? It looks like... A pin. A clit pulsating. It's awesome. Look at that thing. Can we describe, can someone describe this piece? It looks like, a pin. Yeah. It looks like makeup. It looks like some kind of sex toy. Yeah.

That's what I tell TSA it is. That's great. That's great. It does. I don't know what kind of sex toy it would be for, but I would love to. Charge it with a USB. Yeah.

Yeah. Hell yeah. All right. That's exciting stuff. All right. Amber Nelson is here as well. Thanks for being here Amber What up

Fire it up Fire it up That's good I got Latin on that one You're a busted car I know I am I'm happy to see you guys all here tonight Because yesterday I came back after doing a show

It was around midnight 1230 And you guys were here tonight though Because yesterday I came back after doing a show It was around midnight, 12, 30 And you guys were blasted at my house That was perfect Lexi Holden's beautiful girlfriend Had her birthday party over there And you guys seemed to have a great time Yeah, we got pretty loaded And that's why we're like this right now

Just chilling, yeah It was a fun night Did you get to banger? Yeah, yeah I pumped it She let you in there? Yeah, I pumped I pumped it. She let you in there? Yeah, I pumped out a little bit. Pumped it?

Ew. How long did it take? I don't know, man. I was fucking housed, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I could have been someone else. That's the sad thing, yeah. I woke up, my dick was in the toilet, and I didn't know what was going on.

Yep, yep. Did it touch you? No, I had to go find it. So did you fuck the toilet last night? No, no, no. I left my dick in the toilet. I had to call it this morning to find it. Oh I had to go find it. So did you fuck the toilet last night? No, no, no. I left my dick in the toilet. I had to call it this morning to find it. Oh, it has a cell phone.

It has a little dick cell phone. Oh, I see. I didn't know that Apple was making those notes. Over here, fucker. Oh, that's what your dick sounds like? Yeah, yeah. It was really fun. I thought you called your girlfriend's pussy the toilet.

Yeah, that's the thing. Oh, I like that. Yeah. Oh, you should just start calling her the toilet. She's going to love it. Women love that. Women love to be pussy the toilet. Yeah. Ooh, I like that. Oh, you should just start calling her the toilet. She's going to love it. Women love that. Women love to be called the toilet. Oh, my toilet.

Absolutely. That's great. All right, Marcus, what's a story that we can jump off of and tell some jokes about? Oh, no. That's good. She's always spitting in my ass, so I should call her a bidet. Oh, all right. She's a French woman. She's a very nice in my ass, so I should call her a bidet. Oh, all right.

She's a French woman. She's a very nice, sweet lady. Should I go home? Yeah, you might as well. It's not getting any better than this, so the whole thing's done. Rogers County Sheriff's Department in Oklahoma arrested three people in what appears to be an accidental shooting. One of the men told deputies he'd shot his friend while the two were on a Sasquatch hunting expedition. Oh, man. They were fucking in the woods,

right? Oh, it's a Sasquatch expedition. Gotta tell the wife something. The two men were hunting, apparently for Bigfoot around 177th East Avenue and Tiger Switch Road Saturday night. 177th East Avenue? Yeah. Why would Bigfoot be on a road? It's a hot dog joint.

Oh, I see. The cutting down of the forests and all that stuff has driven wildlife into the landscape. I didn't think about that, but you're right, Andy. We had a mountain lion in Santa Monica. Really? Yeah. Did somebody just shoot it dead? What happened to it?

It was working at Walmart. Oh, that's great. It was breeding people. Walmart? Walmart. Oh, I love Walmart. It's my favorite, favorite of all the stores. They sell the exact same things as Walmart, but everything is wet.

And Walmart, only wet shirts, wet toys, wet DVDs. Man, I love that place. Walmart is my favorite goddamn store around. Oh, my God. Slippery is all hell. Oh, Lord. I broke my head. You're slippery.

I hurt my elbows every time I go in. I always fall on my back. Yeah, I know. It's a slip and fall. You got yourself a case holding. It's all Jackie's cum. Yeah. I got squeezed. Squeezed in the back of a Walmart. One of the men, Omar

Pineda, reportedly heard a barking noise, jerked, and shot his friend in the back. Keyword jerked. So I'm thinking Amber the back. Keyword jerked. So I'm thinking Amber's theory is going to be correct. Interesting. I mean, do we know, did he go Sasquatch hunting? You know, Eddie, I'm not going to bring you Sasquatch hunting.

Why not? Because you look like a Sasquatch, and I don't want to have this similar situation happen. You've got to go with like, or shave. You have to shave completely. But you go and attract the Sasquatch. Well, I understand, but what if you're- Make friends.

Oh, you have to put lipstick on. I also want to be hunting a Sasquatch. Why not? You go hang out with a Sasquatch. Oh, you were just going to hang out. You go learn about it. You fuck with it when you get beef jerky. Yeah, yeah.

I've heard that. The Sasquatch is very indigenous to where I'm from, Seattle. Do you guys have a Sasquatch problem in Florida? I've never been down there. No, there's no Sasquatch. No, they got the Skunk Ape down there. Skunk Ape? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The Skunk Ape's racist. Anti-Sasquatch. Yep. It hangs out in all the swamps and things like that. The Skunk Ape is... I like the Yeti the best out of all the brands. The Japanese one? No, the Japanese.

You like it because it's white? No, I like it because it has to deal with very harsh weather, the cold, and it's lonely and isolated. And I feel like the Yeti would be very nice and bring you into a nice, warm cave with the fire and everything like that. Are you just because of the voice? Bugs Bunny holding Ben's head, shaking his brains into his mouth. This isn't so great for me. Yeah. You know, it's possible.

Nice. I like the gnomes in Mexico. Yeah. Like David the gnome? Yeah, like little gnomes and they have videos out there where people catch them. That's actually in Argentina.

In Argentina? Yeah. Yeah, further down south. I don't know anything about this. Yeah, it's pretty hilarious. Oh, no, it's amazing. There are these videos where people apparently

see gnomes in the dark and they, of course, run, aye, gnome. Aye, aye, aye, gnome. For more apparently see gnomes in the dark, and they, of course, run, I-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y But there are also elves in Iceland. There we go. Chupacabras. Chupacabras, that would be originated in Puerto Rico, gone over to Mexico, now they're in Texas. I was just going to say Texas. There it is. Invasive species. So did the man who shot his friend thinking he was a Sasquatch, did the guy die? No, and the wounded man is expected to survive, but his friend, Pineda, 21, was arrested for reckless conduct with firearm and obstruction.

Deputies also arrested Perry Don James, Pineda's father-in-law. James threw his son-in-law's gun in a pond on the property because he is a convicted felon and was afraid to have a gun on his property. Wow, okay. Yeah, he was booked on complaints of felon in possession of a firearm and destruction of evidence. He was arrested for

throwing a gun in a lake? Yeah, destruction of evidence. Well, then we're all going to jail. He was going for throwing a gun in a lake? Yeah. Destruction of evidence. Well, then we're all going to jail. He was trying to throw a gun in a lake? At a pond. That's insane. What do you do with an old gun? You throw it in the lake. Exactly.

You're going to make a reef. And dive teams spent much of the day looking for a gun tossed in the pond. What a boring goddamn city this is. This was the big thing to do? Today, you're on dispatch, Frederick. You're going to be looking for that gun in that lake. Oh, fuck me. Right? That would be a normal conversation?

I'd fuck that up. No, it was good, though. You painted a picture. I liked the picture. Yeah, there's stone in the thing. Oh, I see. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I went to a cryptozoology museum. Where was that at? This was in Maine.

And I asked the guy if he had leprechaun eggs. Ooh, cool. I know, and he laughed at me like I was crazy. He's like, leprechaun eggs, we don't have that. The closest we have is like an actual leprechaun in the corner. And it was a fucking monkey skeleton. That's hilarious. Everyone knows leprechauns have live births.

They don't have eggs. You fucking idiot. You fucking idiot bitch. Get out of that goddamn store. Do leprechauns supposedly have births. They don't have eggs. You fucking idiot. You fucking idiot bitch. Get out of the goddamn store. Do leprechauns supposedly have eggs? I don't know. I just thought I'd fuck with a little bit. Yeah.

No, I would assume the leprechaun has a live birth. I mean, it's a living... It's a mammal. It's a mammal. Yeah. Yeah. They have to have live births.

Leprechauns can't lay eggs. I mean, unless they wished for it, I guess. Isn't it just an evil midget? I thought that's what a leprechaun was. A little per... It's an evil little person. Or a monkey. We had this last week, yeah.

It's magical, though. It has to be tiny people now. Tiny people? Or we have to call them something like that. What, you can't call a midget anymore? No, we had this whole... Oh, yeah, you were in your last week. But I bet you could call them whatever the fuck you want to.

Unless there's like a hundred of them. Yeah, yeah, what are they going to fucking do? Yeah. I mean, I don't want to see what they want to do. The little person revolution is going to be violent, full of blood. Oh, please. Yeah, little knives. I mean, there's a lot of revolutions going on right now.

The leprechaun one is going to be the least of our worries. Yeah. They do have a lot of money. I will not live in a world where I have to take them seriously. What do you mean? Come on. Dinklage. He's broke through that barrier.

I take back everything I say when you remind me of his existence. That's right. I saw Dinklage on the street in So that barrier. I take back everything I say when you remind me of his existence. That's right. I saw Dinklage on the street in Soho necking with a beautiful lady. He has a stupid little last name, though. Was she tiny? No, she was not tiny. I mean, she was short. Whoa, he was short.

I thought he was married. Yeah, I think it was his wife. Was he standing on something? No, he was standing and she was sitting. Nice. He went up to her and she just loved it. I guess she just kind of puts him Wherever she wants him On her body

And then he goes to work Like a Bjorn What's a Bjorn? A baby Bjorn Yeah I guess so Yeah I don't know how it works

He looks heavy I'll tell you That is a testament To how much charisma And charm And money And success And fame

That dude has Because that's tough To get a normal sized lady When you're such a tiny-sized girl. I bet he's got a hog, though. You think he's got a third leg? Those little guys, they got hogs. You think so?

Oh, yeah. I don't know if that's true or not, but I believe it. Two beer cans. Two beer cans? Two beer cans. Side to side. It's hard to get in there. Oh, yeah, that's actually the rough part about it.

Well, the average size of a dwarf's penis is the same as the penis of a man of average height. So what you're probably confused about is that the dwarf is actually smaller, but the penis is the same size as, say, a Ben Kissel. Really? Oh my god. And you can imagine how much larger it looks

on a little person. It's like fucking a big dick kid. That's awesome. Yeah, when you say it like that, Eddie, Jackie is sold. She loves it. Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme. Yeah. It's only the bones that are smaller

on these guys. I did not know that. Not all the bones. Not all of them. The blood bone. The blood sausage bone. I'm back. Yeah. What do you think, Amber? Now that you know that little folks have normal-sized penises, you going to let them stick it in?

Yeah, let them wiggle on top of me like a tiny worm. That's the thing. Oh, let me get in you. This is a big worm. Like a dying bee. Yeah. Do they die after sex like bees die after they sting? That would be sad.

No, Jackie, that's rude. I mean, you're getting tits in that. No one will ever know. You're getting tits in the missionary, right, if you're a little guy? That's kind of fun. You're perfectly aligned with the breasts. Definitely. No, they have a great view.

Yeah, but what if it's like her fat stomach? You know, it's just like belly fat flopping in your face. I was just like. He's fine with it oh he's fine with it he's fine with it why not a nice little fat tummy it's kind of a

it's a fun thing to look at every now and again I think it's like a big pillow while you're fucking you know it'd be great yeah just supermans the whole time yeah

oh yeah that's great what do they call it bigger the cushion better the pushing bigger the yeah yeah I think so

more cushion more cushion the better the pushing yeah the more cushion the better the pushing right Marcus oh than, yeah, I think so. More cushion, the better the pushing. Yeah, the more cushion, the better the pushing. Right, Marcus?

Oh, yeah. What's the biggest thing you've ever been with Andy? Do you want me to fact check that? Either way. That's a fact. Did you say fact check? Fact check.

Fact check. Fact check. That's great. Not the only bone. God damn. Yeah. It's the best podcast we've ever done.

Oh, sure. We can say it over and over again and make it come true. Best one, best one, best one. Yeah, yeah. Andy, you. We can say it over and over again and make it come true. Best one, best one, best one. Yeah, yeah. Andy, you been with a big, big, big, big lady? No. What?

Look at that. He does yoga. Oh, that makes sense. Very vain. Only the tiniest of all the gals. Only the truth on the round table. You know, I like some lady with meat on her bones, but I don't have like a fetish type thing. So I'm going to say Kate Upton or Kate Moss.

Who are you going with? Kate Upton. Oh, okay. Agreed. Yeah, why would you not? Yeah, but she's not a chubby girl. No, she's not chubby, but she's voluptuous. She has more fat on her than Kate Moss.

She has bigger tits is what you're saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, she's got a bigger ass. But the rest of her body is like pequeno, like tiny. Like a what? Like pequeno. Like pequeno. Like a tiny Spanish thing. Oh, okay. Like a what? Like pequeno. Like pequenos. Like a tiny Spanish thing.

Oh, okay. Like a papacita. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. She is groovy. She had her, she showed her tits on a horse.

What? Did she? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Why? Can you up to that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Can we see that, Marcus? Immediately, Marcus is looking it up.

That's great. Are we doing tits already? We gotta move on. Tits on a horse. I bet she has awesome flappers. Tits on a horse. I bet she has awesome flappers. Oh, yeah. She's got great knock-knocks. All right, Marcus.

Marcus, throw the pictures over here so we can move on already. Oh, hey, they star over the nipples. Yeah, they get stars on the nipples, yeah. That's TMZ for you. Well, she's smart, though. She's a smart gal. Yeah, TMZ bought it and they put stars on it. Censored.

What kind of fascist America do we live in? Censored tits. Give me the nipples. Please. Give me the nipples. How are you going to imagine the nipples? It's weird that it doesn't even have the name of your first comedy album. Give me the nipples. That little bit ruins the whole thing. Yeah, it really does. It does. It does. Ew.

Was that a stream of urine going into Kate Upton's mouth? It's supposed to look like it, but it's water. Get rid of it. All right, Marcus. We're a hydrated man. Marcus, what are you doing? We've lost Marcus.

Come back. Come back. I'm here. I'm here. I am a part of this table. Take your pants off. Oh, my goodness. You got yourself a real dinklage down there.

Massive, massive rod. Average. Not bad. All right. Well, let's do another news story. Austin Whaley was arrested after busting in on a crowded bingo hall in Covington, Kentucky, filled with elderly women. The 18-year-old yelled, bingo, and the hall erupted in chaos.

I love this joke so much. Police officer Richard Webster said, when they realized it wasn't a real bingo, they started hooting and hollering and yelling and cussing. People take their bingo very seriously. When Whaley refused to apologize, the officer arrested him on a disorderly conduct charge. Can you believe it? My grandfather was told he could never come back to bingo. What did he do?

He kept cheating. Cheating at bingo? Yeah. I love it. It would be like the last big game of the night, and he would call bingo when he was really close, and then he didn't have bingo, but everyone would get pissed off and leave, and then he wouldn't have bingo,

and then he'd usually just get it like three numbers later. That's a brilliant idea. Yeah, and it worked like two times, but then he kept doing it to the point where they're like, you can't come back here. Yeah, you're cheating at bingo. People are very, very dedicated to their bingo. Watch this, kid.

Bingo, bingo. Oh, man. You just yell it and they give you money. These fucking suckers are stupid as shit. Here's a weird sentence. He faced 90 days in jail and a $250 fine for the offense. Instead, the judge just ordered him to stay away from the bingo hall. He is also forbidden to say the word bingo for six months.

You can't say bingo for six months. What if he has a dog named Bingo? That's right. What if he has to come? Yeah. Bingo. What else are you supposed to say when you come? Bingo.

Bingo. Yeah. Bongo. He's saying, oh, bing. Oh, bing. Oh, bing. This is amazing. 90 days in jail for a practical joke?

Like yelling bingo in a bingo hall? Well, that's for the disorderly conduct. That is the sentence. This would never have been a ticket back in the day. Like, that's insane that he got a disorderly conduct. The cops should have been laughing and been like, okay, kid, get out of here. But it's the old people that demanded he be arrested.

Of course they did. They're a mob of lunatics. Tell those old pieces of shit they can die. Yeah. Yeah, get out of here. Throw them in a fucking lava pit. I'm sure they didn't do anything good for this country. No.

Definitely not. You're all shit. Yeah. I like the cut of your jib, mister. Shoot him in the fucking head. Line him up against a wall, full pot style, you know? Yeah, you should make them take off all their clothes first.

No, no. It's contagious. Shake, shake, shape like a big, they have to sketch them. That'd be funny. Oh, that'd be sick.

I'd shape like a big piece of metal into a cock, right? Yeah. And just fucking ram them to death with it. That's a great idea. Great. I'd make a black guy shoot them.

Yeah. Well, that's true, yeah. Absolutely. Suck off their toes. Great. I know a black guy shoot them. Yeah. Well, it's true. Absolutely. And suck off their toes. Yeah. Make them eat their own shoes until they fucking die from it. Yeah. Cut off all their hair and make them eat it.

Well, they were the greatest generation here, guys. Make them do like a hundred person human centipede. Yeah. Well, they do definitely shit a lot. Absolutely. All right, guys. They beat the Nazis, these guys. So take it easy.

Take it easy. Yeah. Scream at them until they fucking pass out. All right. All right. guys. They beat the Nazis, these guys. So take it easy. Take it easy. Yeah, scream it until they fucking pass out. All right. All right. Kill them! That's all right. They all really are good people. They all are good people.

You old pieces of shit. Stick a bunch of glass in their ears. Yeah, because they can't hear it anyway. Sorry, the fucking younger gets the keys to the life. You're done. You're old. I'd like to know who the oldest listener of the keys to the life. You're done. You're old. I'd like to know who the oldest listener of the round table is. If you think fucking dead.

Hit us up. Give us your fucking home address, you piece of shit. All right. I'm sure they're like 27, maybe. If you think you're the oldest listener of the round table, send us an email at cavecomedyradio.com. We'll take you out. Let us know. We're going to fuck youcom. We'll take you out. Let us know.

We will not hurt you. Fuck that. Repeat, we will not hurt you. Marcus is not all the way truthful. That's great. We will yell bingo and then cum on your face. Bingo. Fucking Bukkake, your fucking waste of done life ass.

Oh, right. Well, they did a lot for the country. They're fine. They're a drain on society. And they're the reason why we have these fucked up laws still in place. You know how much

fucking social security money we could be rolling around in right now if these fucks wasn't taking it up? Yeah. Unbelievable. I'd say nail them to a cross,

but I don't want to waste the wood. Yeah, man. I hear you on that. Let's see Kate Upton's tits again. I'm talking about old people's making me fucking kill them, making me horny, man. I want to see some more tits and fucking knock one off before I leave this studio. Okay.

Well, old people, thank you for listening. Our old listeners. Nice, nice people. We're going to fucking kill you. Absolutely. They got nothing to do. That's why they're listening we're going to fucking kill you. Absolutely. They got nothing to do. That's why they're listening. Come all over your dead bodies.

Absolutely. Rip off your ears and shove them in your fucking mouth. I mean, they'll do some stuff. I want to take all the women and take their shirts off

and make them walk through the center of town. Slap their old tits around. I want to ashame them the death. I mean, you know, they've done

nothing wrong, really. They just wanted to play a game of bingo. This guy yelled bingo

and they got upset a little bit. They overreacted. You're going to make them poop. They can make them poop on a

chair without a bottom in the middle of a park filled with their grandkids. That's sort of what they have to do anyway.

In front of the fucking mayor. He can watch and take notes, that fucking piece of shit. He's dead soon, too. Can you look up the mayor of Covington, Kentucky? Yeah. Of course. Yeah, what's his fucking name?

We have to have a little chit-chat about this old person. That piece of shit is on my list. I want to see the police officer that was like, now you apologize. Yeah, you got to apologize. Mayor Sherry Caron. Sherry. Sherry. Sherry. Sherry. Take a look at Sherry Caron over here. Mayor Sherry Karen. Oh. Sherry Karen. Sherry Karen. Sherry Karen.

Take a look at Sherry Karen over here. Oh, my God. Oh, Sherry Karen. Fuck you. She's gonna jam fucking icicles in her nostrils. She's gonna show her mouth fucking shut forever. She looks like a lesbian that hates lesbians. Yeah, yeah.

Either way, she's supporting these fucking old people like they're fucking Tom Hanks or something. Yeah, Captain Phillips. Yeah, like they did some great thing and they just got old. That's all these fucking old people like they're fucking Tom Hanks or something. Yeah, Captain Phillips. Yeah, like they did some great thing and they just got old. That's all they fucking did. Captain Phillips just... Yeah, he just got kidnapped.

Captain Phillips didn't really do anything. I want to watch someone get young. Then I'll be fucking impressed. Until then, we got to fucking take these people out. I got a movie for you. Well, she's an architect. Oh. All right.

Never mind. Yeah, she's building buildings. She was an architect. Yeah, I love architects. I love her, what's her name again? Sherry Karen Vote Karen, next election Vote Karen I've never heard a woman with two first names

That's weird Karen is spelled C-A-R-R-E-N Is this where she went to architecture school? Yes, she went to the University of Cincinnati That's a good school Are you big into architecture? What do you think about that new World Trade Center? Whatever Yes, she went to the University of Cincinnati. That's a good school. He said something. Are you big into architecture? Yeah, I am actually. What do you think about that new World Trade Center?

Ah, whatever. Okay. Very Banksy of you. What do you think about the mosque built right next door? It never got built. Never got built? No. We built one.

Good. Wait. What happened? I like mid-century shit, you know? What's that? Like the- Like the 1950s? Like the things that old people built. Like Mad Men shit.

Palm Springs. You know, like weird big boxy houses with sliding glass walls. Yeah. This is romantic. Art Deco? No. That's like the 20s. This gets you pussy? That's a great Gatsby. These kind of conversations? Gets me great pussy. Yeah? Quality pussy. Yeah? Yeah.

I can see it working. I like it. Dude, I live in LA. This is all we talk about. Yeah, yeah, yeah., I live in LA. This is all we talk about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sliding doors and shit. This is all we talk about. Yeah, that's great. $3,000 recliners. You know what I'm talking about?

Oh, yeah. I mean, I don't. I live in New York. Yeah. Jesus. There's a reason why I moved from that city after three months. I fucking hate this city, you guys. How are you doing it here?

Ben sleeps in a fucking cardboard refrigerator box. It's great. It's the best apartment I've had. $15,000 a month. What's that? $15,000 a month? No, $1,500. That's great. It's the best apartment I've had. $15,000 a month. What's that? $15,000 a month? No, $1,500. That's great.

Where is it? Right next door to Holden's room where we're roommates. Over on Metropolitan? Yep. You pay $1,500 a month? No.

Oh, he does. He's completely off. Nothing about the phrase $1,500 is anything we pay. It's not the total or the individual. Well, thank you for clarifying. Yes. Very fascinating conversation. I'm glad to find out Ben was lying again. Yeah. anything we pay it's not the total or the individual marcus yes very fascinating

yeah he lied again again next story yeah let's do that is it about our apartment you need to stop smoking so much weed hold holding got tomb raider my life has been a fucking living hell and they and the thing Oh, intervention. Tomb Raider! Holding God Tomb Raider. My life has been a fucking living hell. And the thing is, the new Tomb Raider, I don't know what fucking Jezebel page they read, but she has no tits. She has no ass.

The new Tomb Raider, she's got chested fucking... She's got an ass, and she just doesn't have tits bigger than her fucking head. Gross. Exactly. How is she going to get through the caves without tits bigger than her head? I don't know. I guess you're right.

I guess we should write a fucking letter. Who cares about that game if you can't jerk off to it? Exactly. Well, you can. She's still pretty hot. She's still hot, man. Pretty hot, but they finally got the graphics to make big tits look perfect and then they get rid of them.

She's like the half black girl from Total Recall hot. Yeah. Which one is that? The new one? No, the old one. Half Black Girl. She's pretty hot, actually. I don't remember the Half Black Girl.

She was the star of the film. Oh, yeah, but she's half black? I think she was just a black girl. She looks half black. Rihanna? Is it Rihanna? It's not Rihanna. No, it's not Rihanna.

Is Rihanna half black? No, she's just black. Okay. I'd fuck Rihanna. Well, that's a bold statement, Andy. Without a condom. Oh, wow. That's a bold statement, Andy. Without a condom. Oh, wow. That's a bold statement.

I heard she fucks a lot of guys. Really? Yeah, yeah. I have a friend of a friend who's friends with Chris Brown. Her? You have a friend of a friend who's friends with Chris Brown? I know a guy who knows Chris Brown. Really?

Because I worked on that show Ridiculousness. Okay. And there's a guy on there that's like one of the co-hosts. He knows Chris Brown, so he knows Rihanna, and he said she fucks a lot of guys. That's great. That's great. So if you guys run into Rihanna. She fucked Bieber.

Did she? She did? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was a good rumor going around that she fucked Bieber. She probably did. This is exciting. They were all flirty at a Lakers game together, and everyone's like, Rihanna fucked Bieber, Rihanna fucked Bieber.

It was fun. That's great. I don't even want to picture Justin Bieber having sex with Rihanna. I don't like it. Page seven, what do you think? I don't think that's fucking true. That's great. I don't even want to picture Justin Bieber having sex with Rihanna. I don't like it. Page seven, what do you think? I don't think that's fucking true. She's too tall. I agree.

That is true. She's fucking like 50-year-old businessman. But again, Bieber's got a big fucking dinklage, though. You know he does. She's no Miranda Kerr. You think Bieber's got a big dinklage? Probably. I do.

I bet it's gross. No way. Like a suburban high schooler. You know what I mean? A suburban high school? Yeah, it's knobbly. It's like a corkscrew, like a suburban high schooler. You know what I mean? A suburban high school? Yeah, it's knobbly. It's like a corkscrew, like a duck. Yeah, look up suburban high school penis.

Suburban high school penis. You know what I mean, though? Like a dude that's too athletic and his dad gave him a Chevy Tahoe. So he's got some small nuts and kind of just a bizarre little, just a head. You're just mad. He probably has a huge dick plus his life is great. And then, you know, fuck that guy. Well, I mean, I don't have no problem with him. Did you look that up because you're just mad he probably has a huge dick plus his life is great and then you know that's that guy

well I mean I don't have no problem with him did you look that up because you're on another list if you did that no no I'm looking but I'm looking up

Justin Bieber's penis apparently his fans named it Jerry oh okay it sounds like it's got a mustache I know it's not good

chain smoking Jerry mechanic nuts yeah like Seinfeld wait you're on a list Marcus I'm on multiple lists just the shit you look up It's not good. Chain smoking Jerry. Mechanic nuts. Yeah. Like Seinfeld. Wait, you're on a list, Marcus? I'm on multiple lists. Just the shit you look up. Just the shit you look up.

You're on a fucking list too, Amber. Oh, yeah. We're all on lists. What are you on a list for? She looks at horrible shit. That's a funny one. See, I think that I'm on so many lists that each list cancels each other out. Oh, yeah.

Two negatives are a positive. Yeah, exactly. Right. No, it's not just building a case against you. It's erasing it. Something. That's what it is. I've been on the phone before, like, talking to my mom about, like, the war, you know, in Syria or whatever, and I'll hear, like, a click.

It's like a weird, it sounds like somebody's picking up the phone. Oh, I've heard that, yeah. Yeah, and then I start talking about, like about my comedy shows, and they hang up. And I'm like, you just haggled me, TSA. Yeah, the NSA. You think the TSA's doing that? They're somebody-ish.

I mean, it's not the TSA. It's the NSA? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wet Ops, right? Is that what they call that? When you kill somebody? Like Walmart?

Yeah, Walmart. Walmart! Gotta go to Walmart. Wet Ops. Yeah. What's going on here? We were talking about pop culture,

now we're talking about politics. The whole thing's falling apart, Ed. We gotta get back to reality. Well, that's what I'm trying to do. A schoolboy had sex with his dog on a public common in front of shocked onlookers. Thank you, Marcus.

Thank you, Marcus. Thank you, Marcus. Nice. What kind of dog was it? How old was the kid? Let's get to it. Yeah, I wanna see. I wanna hear about this.

Are there pictures? The 15-year-old was seen on his knees and witnesses said he appeared to be aroused when he realized he had been spotted. The teenager wiped his stomach with his t-shirt, then zipped up his jeans and fled. Fucking a dog. So he jerked off on his dog? Well, I mean. He was fucking it.

I think it was just having sex with it. Yeah. But you gotta do that in the woods. Was he taking the ass or was he fucking it? Well, I mean... I think he was just having sex with it, yeah. But you gotta do that in the woods. Was he taking the ass or was he fucking it? Well, he was fucking it. The youth, who cannot be named for legal reasons, is said to have run away from the scene. Victoria Griffiths, prosecuting,

told the youth court sitting in Reading Magistrates Court, this is in England, that women at the scene described the boy, quote, having sex with the dog. She told the hearing, all three ladies saw a Labrador and a boy. That's a good dog to fuck. You think that's the best one to have sex with, Jax? No, like a bull mastiff.

Oh, you would go more of a bull mastiff. You want a tight dog. Yeah, you want tight. You want a fucking dog. You want something mean. Okay, sure. But no, you want like a big dog. Labradors are pretty big.

You don't want to kill the dog, though. You're not going to kill a Labrador. It's a 100-pound Labrador. You think I can fuck a Labrador? Yeah. Yeah. Well, I mean... Maybe.

I mean, you know. I mean, there is forensic evidence which relates to the boxer shorts he was wearing on the day in question, which were found to have... Is that a dog pun? Hmm? Boxer shorts?

Like it. But the boxer shorts were found to have had blood on them. It was analyzed, and the blood was found to have come from the dog. Dog blood on the boxer shorts. You know what I'm talking about? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Maybe a Rottweiler.

Yeah, you want a big dog. However, a veterinary surgery claimed the dog was unharmed. Well, yeah. I liked it. It's like fucking a god to them. You know? I guess so. That's true. That's very true a god to them. You know? I guess so. That's true.

That's very true. It's kind of bizarre. The dog felt special. Yeah. Was it his dog? Yeah, it was his dog. One witness who stood 20 yards away. I think that's worse.

I'm just going to say I think that that's worse. How fucking aroused was he? Well. That he had to do it in the park. Enough to come. I mean, yeah. He just met eyes while he was picking up the dog shit or something like that. Does that mean there's a werewolf? Well, I mean, I'll tell you met eyes while he was picking up the dog shit or something like that. Does that mean there's a werewolf?

Well, I mean, I'll tell you how aroused he was. Did he shave the dog? Well, one of the witnesses said he was a bit... He actually loves pigs, but he only has dogs around. One of the witnesses said he was a bit bigger than normal. He was having difficulties zipping up that area. Yeah, he was very aroused. Very aroused.

Oh, but he didn't come. Well, I guess he was off his stomach. It seemed like that might be blood now, or poo-poo, depending on where he was having sex with his dog. Do we know if it's a male dog or a female dog? Now that it really changes the fact. You can't fuck a girl dog's pussy, right? Yeah, you can. Why couldn't you?

What do you think he's fucking? The ass. No, he's fucking the pussy. If you're going to fuck a dog, fuck it in the ass. I don't know, Jack. Pussy going to fuck a dog, fuck it in the S. I don't know, Jack. Pussy don't fuck a dog, number one. Pussy fuck a dog, ass fuck a cat. Right.

Okay. Right. It may have been a pussy fucking. That is the old saying. Yeah, my grandfather used to loom over me late in the evening and say to me, yeah, hold me down and put fucking, he always put a bunch of butter in my mouth to chew on while he told it to me. Right.

And of course, a cat in the vagina. Right. But then love a dog in the vagina. No, he said pussy fuck a dog, ass fuck a cat. Pussy fuck a dog, ass fuck a cat. You must always, always remember that. And then he fucking punched me in the head until I fell asleep. Really?

Yeah. You must always, always remember that. Wow. Wow. Did you eat the butter? Yeah. You must always, always remember that. Wow. Wow. Did you eat the butter? Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's all you had to eat all day.

That's the only calories you got all day. That was the whole thing. That was the game because you had to eat all the butter before he'd punch you to sleep or you'd maybe die.

Oh, man. What a nice guy. Yeah. Does he play bingo by any chance in Kentucky? Yeah, no. He hated bingo. He said,

kill those fucking cocksuckers, he said. That was the fun thing about old Grandpa McNairn. McNairn. We changed our last name because he used to be so bad. Oh, it's McNeeley, so no one can figure it out. Yeah, so he used to be McNairn, and yeah, he was a big mean fucker. Always had his cock out, you know. Really?

How fat was he? Like 300 pounds? Oh, he was like fucking 20 dinkledges. 20 dinkledges. Wow. Wow, wow, wow. So he was like 99 pounds. Yeah, that was the thing.

And his cock, he always had a tiny little boxing glove at the end of it, you know, put on his dick. Isn't that something? Yeah. That's an interesting little background into your life. What would he put on his dick? A little boxing glove that he sewed himself. He'd put it at the tip of his dick. It's kind of fun. Like a little chef's your life. What would he put on his dick? A little boxing glove that he sewed himself. He'd put it at the tip of his dick.

It's kind of fun. Like a little chef's hat. Is that how he punched you to sleep? Oh, man. I'm starting to remember. We should move on. Oh, yeah. He's about to break down.

Bad shit. So your grandfather weighed 2,760 pounds? Yeah, yeah. We called him The Room. He's the biggest one. Wow. Wow. Great guy, though.

We think he ate about half the family. We don't know where they kept disappearing, and he kept shitting bones. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Good poops, though. Solid. God, that guy was a prick. Yep. Well, either way.

Had a prick. Yeah. Yep. Showed it to everybody. There's a kid who's having sex with his dog over here. Well, I might be able to answer your question as to whether it was vagina or ass. Thank God. Another witness said...

If I didn't get this piece of information, I couldn't sleep for weeks. I wouldn't be able to sleep. I don't know. Our listeners either. We have the saying, but we don't know if that's true. Yeah, because the saying is ringing in my ears. Let's see if Grandpa Mc... was right.

Well, one witness told the hearing he was kneeling, and the best way I can describe it, as the dog was in the missionary position. Whoa! The dog was in the missionary? He's going missionary with a dog? So the dog was on his back? It's called doggy style.

Yeah, that's amazing. He was fucking a dog like a person style? Yeah, he was. That kind of makes it nicer. He was looking in its eyes and in its nose and in its tongue and teeth. He meant it. It wasn't a dog dog. Maybe it was just a real ugly lady. Yeah, I mean

do we know that? I had never heard of a person I mean, we've all heard about people fucking. Bobby fucked that dog in the park. He was looking at the dog's eyes. That makes the whole thing creepier, but at the same time, you're right. He means it.

It's like... I'd rather him fuck his dog than fuck his sister. You don't even know what a sister looks like. You don't even know if he has a sister, and you're a woman, so... Right? I mean, I'm with you. I'm with you.

Jackie doesn't like having sex with women I mean you did but now you're over and not my brother either I'd rather have sex with a dog good yeah exactly

if she were to choose between Henry and a fucking sexy ass dog like a lab dog maybe it was like a service animal it was the dog wearing heels

yeah it was that day I thought that was really good it was funny it was great. I was like a dog in uniform. Yeah?

Ooh, yeah. Well, when asked by prosecutors what the boy was doing, the witness told the court, it was a rhythmic movement back and forth. The whole episode was about five minutes. Yoga. Five minutes? Jesus Christ. That dog loved it then.

I guess it's on its back. It's uncomfortable, but I suppose it did. But for five minutes they watched it? Yeah, you fucked a dog for five minutes in a public? Don't you break it up? That's not the first time he's fucked that dog. Oh, no. You don't.

He said, I'm going to show the world our love. Yep. I'm taking you out to the park tonight. I'm taking you out to the park. And the dog was like, you can never take me out in public. You're fucking ashamed of me. You're ashamed that you're fucking a dog. Is that what it is?

He's like, I'll fuck you in the middle of a park. And that's what happened. He's like, all right, baby, it's your night tonight. Where do you want to go? The park? Yeah. All right, let's go. Always loved the park.

And it was a children's playground. Oh. Oh, man, what would be awesome was on the slide. Can you imagine fucking on a slide? Have you guys ever fucked on a slide? I wish. I started fooling around in the children's playground. Yeah.

I had a night one time time and then the cops came. Yeah. That's for the best. I mean, no. That's for the best they did. Why? I just don't know if their kids need to be

sliding down a fucking... She wasn't that ugly. She was pretty gross though, right? Your naked ass bumping around a girl on some fucking swing the next day a five-year-old's out there

with his stepfather trying to have a good goddamn time and he stands up and there's semen on his shorts. What if the stepfather goes to prison? It smells like pussy juice.

It's awful, Eddie. You can't fuck on a children's playground. It's for children. How fucking nasty was her face? It wasn't that bad. It was fine. I'm sure she was a very attractive gal.

You know, the kind of girl that would go to a children's playground late at night with Ed. A beautiful dreamboat. A fucking model. She wanted to fuck outdoors for some reason.

Well, it's what she likes. Take her to a pool. You're in Florida. It's kind of She wanted to fuck outdoors for some reason. Oh. It's what she likes. Take her to a pool. You're in Florida. It's kind of interesting because you were sort of her dog. Yeah. You know, she was like, I'll take him to a park. He's going to love that.

She wanted to go to my backyard after that, after we got caught. Really? Oh, yeah. You got caught? Yeah, yeah. The cops came. Oh. Told us to go home.

Yeah. Pull it out. Pull it out, buddy. That's good. Mission San Luis, where the first Christmas was ever celebrated in America. Isn't that something? Isn't that interesting? Ed, were you fingering her?

Feliz Navidad. Or was she giving you a handy? I was sucking on her tits. Okay. That's great. Good tits? No. Yeah, yeah.

I heard you were sucking on your own. I had bad tits. So the face was fine, but the tits were terrible. I mean, yeah. What constitutes bad tits? What are we talking about here? Tomb Raider on your own. I got tits. So the face was fine, but the tits were terrible. I mean, yeah. What constitutes bad tits? What are we talking about here? Tomb Raider tits? Banana.

Banana tits. No, banana tits are successful. I hate banana tits. They're cute. Droopy. Yellow. No, it's like, it's small droopies. Small droopies.

Small droopies are the worst. Well, no. A lot of our lady, all breasts are beautiful. That's not true. Yeah, listeners at home, that are beautiful. That's not true. Yeah. Listen, that's yeah, definitely not true.

You might have awful tits. You might have awful tits. We all get to fucking carry our crosses. I have, you know, I got big balls. I live with that. And that's the thing.

Once a month, once a month, please check your tits for breast cancer, but also for them being gross. You have to gross fix them. Yeah. My thighs are covered in ingrown hairs. All right, Marcus, move on.

You always say the weirdest shit. Well, it's true. I know. Wait, you asked what constitutes gross tits? It's small droopies. Small droopies? But, I mean, there's a lot of gross tits. But you can bob them up and down.

I've had nipples too long. There are definitely weird nipples. I haven't seen long nipples. Long nipples are actually a very good time. Flick them around. I had it once. Sometimes we're out of control.

People just have greasy skin too. Well, greasy skin is something that... And that's, you know, tits are made mostly out of skin. Like fucking a seal.

Yeah, not so bad. Well, I got a Florida story. Yay! Talking about greasy tits. Now, I don't think we've done this one before. All right. Yeah, this was up in the air, but let us know what you think, because Marcus and I couldn't

figure out if we had. On Tuesday, Everett Loggis took his cat love to a new level when he brought his cat to Emerald City Strip Club in Murdoch, Florida. Loggis was arrested for repeatedly calling 911 after the owner prohibited him from entering the strip club with his cat. So he can't go to a strip club with his cat. Why? You can't lock it in your car either.

Exactly. What else are you supposed to do with it? What do you do? Right? You can't lock a cat in the car? No. It'll die. It'll die.

Especially in Florida. Can you crack a window? Well, it'll get out. It's a cat. Shit, it'll do. Yeah, it's a cat. It'll get out. Strip club's a perfect place for a cat.

Throw a bikini bottom on it. Let it get on stage. Pussy. Pussy time. Yeah, cats are a little sluts wagging those tails showing the buttholes. They don't throw up too. That's true. It's what they do. Cats are slutty animals.

What is it? Ass fuck a cat? Imagine that. Pussy fuck a dog. Ass fuck a cat. You really, really, really need to remember that. Punch, punch, punch. Fall asleep soon. Tomorrow I'm gonna kick you to school. really, really need to remember that. Punch, punch, punch. Punch, punch, punch. Fall asleep soon.

Tomorrow I'm going to kick you to school. Oh, wow. That's nice of him though. He went and made you go to school. That's the thing. I'd always be bruised. It's so incoherent the next morning that he just set me up. He had a little football tee kind of thing that he made for me. It was like a chair, but it was just three points like a football where you would put on it.

But he put my ass on it, and he just kicked me down the block all the way. And no one stopped him. Teachers hated you so much, and everybody in the neighborhood, they were like, yeah, hit that kid. Yeah, kick that kid. Kick him, hit him, punch him. Or hop. They had to put a bucket under my desk because all the

fucking blood I was leaking out of my fucking body every day. Oh, okay. Well, that's good. You look great now, though. Yeah, you made it. Yeah, I mean, I finally started shitting a couple weeks ago. Oh, that's great. When you shit, do your intestines come out a little bit?

Yeah, a little bit. Like, it's like a fun little... Shove them back up there? It's like drapes, yeah. Yeah, we call that a prolapse. Yeah, like an inverted sock. Yeah, yeah. Good, good.

I look like a... Yeah, I fucking look like the golem that's coming out of my ass. Yeah, yeah. Good, good. I looked like, yeah, I fucking looked like the golem was coming out of my ass. I once saw a porno where a woman was able to prolapse her ass so much that it looked like a dome, sort of like a blooming onion. Wow. Oh, did you cover it in that like sauce? Yeah. And that like orange

sauce? Well, I could have if it was live. Did you jack off to this, Marcus? He didn't jack off to that, did you? No, I didn't jack off to it. Was that like cake farts or something? No, it was one summer when I was working construction, and there was a guy...

I would love to watch Bloomin' Onion queefs, by the way. Yeah. There was a guy that would... We were journeyman construction men, so we used to go to different towns and everything. We'd always stay at hotels or apartments. And this guy would bring a suitcase full of porno with him everywhere he went. This was like 99, long before the internet. Did he try to fuck you in the old days?

He did not try to fuck me. He was busted for peeping on his own daughter, though. Sounds like... Peeping on the old daughter. You guys don't know the whole story yet. Yeah, that's true. He lived in a town called Looters, Texas. Looters, Texas.

And he, during our lunch break, he was a large man, a loud man, and a very intimidating man. Ed? Not Ed. We would always go back to the apartment for lunch every day when we were working in Texarkana. And he would make us watch porn every day during our lunch break. So you got molested? No.

Sounds like it. No. Don't you guys think he got molested? Uh-oh. It sounds like we got ourselves a case of the molested. Are you okay, Marcus? I'm fine. Jesus Christ.

Are you crying? Holden and Marcus, this episode's taken a very sad, tragic turn. Marcus, you can tell us. How old are you? I'm supportive. 17. Oh, that's fine. That you can tell us. How old were you? I mean, I'm supportive. 17. Oh, that's fine. But it was...

That's the last year you could be molested. Yeah, that's it. Well, it wasn't just me. It wasn't just me and him. It was like me and him and like four other guys. And one day during lunch, he watched... He took turns on you. That's not bad.

What kind of stuff did you guys eat for lunch? Oh, turkey sandwiches. Dicks. Oh, turkey sandwiches and dicks. We're watching porno. Yeah. Yeah. Because that's just... That's what bad. What kind of stuff did you guys eat for lunch? Oh, turkey sandwiches. Oh, turkey sandwiches and dicks. Go watching porno. Yeah. Yeah. Because that's just, that's what he wanted.

Marcus, what's the weirdest thing you've ever beaten on? Martin was a popular show back then. That was a funny show. Martin was a good show. Yeah, you remember that episode with the woman with the chest hair? That was pretty funny. That was a great episode, Shanaynay. She was funny.

There was a bunch of different things you could have watched. Bro-Man's the best character on that show. Do they have a Shanaynay porn? I'm sure about it. Look it up. Sinead-ay porn. I don't even want to know. Did you know that the last two seasons of that show or something,

like Gina and Martin couldn't be in the same room? Yeah, because he was always beating the fucking piss out of her. What? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They were together and then he would beat the shit out of her. He was arrested a couple times for beating her. But she talked too much. Whoa.

We get lippy. Really? I didn't realize that they were actually dating in real life. No, I think he was just beating her. He was just beating her? You can't just beat a random woman. I mean, that was the whole problem with it. Martin Lawrence can.

Pretty easy. He's one of the bad boys. Oh, God. Oh, that's right. Did he go to jail? He got in a little trouble. He didn't get in that much trouble. Oh, fuck that asshole.

What are you talking about? You don't know this story. All right, Marcus. Oh, he got in a little trouble. He didn't get in that much trouble. Oh, fuck that asshole. What are you talking about? You don't know this story. All right, Marcus. Marcus exists. They apparently had a crush, or he had a crush on her, and she rejected him. Oh, so they just beat her up a bunch of times? That's what I'd do.

Sexual drugs says she doesn't like me. I'll make you love me. I don't know if it's going to work, but God knows. So no shenanigans porn. No shenanigans porn. No shenanigans porn. Wow. Listeners that make porn, now you got a new one.

It's like a hot tranny porn, too. Oh, yeah. Let's get shenanigans fuck bra man. That'd be great porn. Yeah, why not? Get it done. Marcus, what story are we talking about right now? Ohio cops are investigating a college fraternity hazing incident that left a 19-year-old pledged short one testicle.

Oh. Whoa, that's not hazing. Jesus. Three Wilmington College students seeking induction into Gamma Phi Gamma were subjected last week to a battering in the fraternity house. As detailed by investigators, the blindfolded pledges were brought to the basement of the fraternity, which is known as Gobbler House. Uh-oh. Ooh, the Gobbler House fraternity, which is known as Gobbler House. Uh-oh.

Ooh, the Gobbler House. You lost a nut in the Gobbler House? Oh, my. Yeah, you're not getting that back. That's for damn sure. That's where about 20 frat members were either watching or participating in the pledging. The basement of the house contained about three inches of water, and the pledges were ordered to lie on the floor and imitate a swimming action. They were then directed to strip completely nude except for the blindfold

and had a substance described as being like icy hot applied to their nipples, back, buttocks, and scrotum. This just sounds like it is led by one of the most sadist, homophobic, slash gay dudes of all time. Who's ever heard this fucking thing? Frat guys? Oh yeah, frat guys.

These hazing rituals are unbelievably gay. After having Limburger cheese stuffed in their mouths, the pledges were each... Worst kind of cheese. Oh yeah. The pledges were each given a ball of stuffing in order to simulate having sexual intercourse with it. Specifically, the trio was told to, quote,

fuck the sheep. That's not that bad. A ball of stuffing? Yeah. What kind of... Like inside of a pillow. Yeah, but how'd he lose his nut? Oh, man, I thought it was the food.

Here's how he lost his nut. That would be a great thing to fuck. Yeah, I would fuck stuffing. Marshmallow fluff. Yeah. No, no, stuffing. No, yeah, stuffing. I know it's stuffing, but I'm also thinking marshmallow fluff.

Oh, like Thanksgiving stuffing? Yeah. I would actually fuck it in the turkey. Just make sure the bones aren't exposed. Yeah, that's true. That could cut you off. Put a pocket pussy in a turkey. Or just slice a slit in the breast. Yeah. Of the turkey. It's going to be dry, though. No, a's true. That could cut you off. Put a pocket pussy in a turkey. Or just slice a slit in the breast of the turkey.

It's going to be dry, though. No, a live turkey. Okay, yeah, good. Or a live one. Or a dead turkey. Recently drowned turkey. Recently dead from natural causes turkey. Okay, I like that.

Tell me we're talking about old people again. Yeah, yeah, we sort of are. Fuck you, old people. Good job, Andy. Take them down. Fucking assholes. Here's how the guy lost a testicle. The pledges were then hit with towels and shirts that had the ends balled up in knots

or which had items tied inside them to inflict pain. Pledge Tyler Lawrence, 19. Remember, his name is Tyler Lawrence, so we all know which kid lost a nut. Was struck in the testicles with a towel fashioned as a weapon. Tyler Lawrence, 19. You know, I actually think that that was like, I bet that's pretty common. The fucking, what do you call it?

A rat tail? Yeah, a rat tail. I think people lose nuts a lot to that. Yeah. When you wet it, it gets intense. I guess they are also covered in icy hot. I've seen one make somebody bleed. Yeah, me too.

Really? Absolutely. You can tear the make somebody bleed. Yeah, me too. Really? Absolutely. You can tear the skin on that. Yep. I guess I never got into that. Like a little gay kid. We're girls. You gay?

Swap, swap, swap. It's probably like that. Yeah, I would just make the girl put duct tape over her face. I remember you guys. I remember this. It's not right what they did to you, Holden. I'm not happy. I'm not happy. I'm not happy

with what you did. Apologize. Say something nice to Holden now for making him lose a testicle. Holden, I really liked

your guided meditation today and I think that you're a unique and dynamic performer and just a talented guy. Shut the fuck up. That was fun. Doesn't really take

away the fact that my nuts are gone. Forever. Don't have to wear a cond gone. Forever, yeah. What you have. Don't have to wear a condom. Yeah, I guess that's true. You have to see him in making abilities. Yeah, yeah.

Too bad I can't make a child. You can get some dummy nuts, though. You can get some dummy nuts. Oh, yeah. Tennis balls. Oh, yeah. Holds up some real stupid fucking nuts. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You seen them? Wooden clacker nuts. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I paint them up like fucking Easter eggs every fucking Easter. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I had dummy nuts. You seen them? Wooden clacker nuts. Yeah, yeah, I paint them up like fucking Easter eggs every fucking Easter. Yeah, that's where everyone loves that. They love when you do that. Get your wet towels at Walmart, of course, and flash them and fucking hit all the nuts. Have you guys done that as an adult?

What? Hit someone with a rat tail? No, but I want to now. You got to stop. You stop hitting nuts around eighth grade as a guy because... You hit them in the back.

Yeah, you hit them in the back. But as soon as the nuts actually get there, then boys stop hitting each other in the nuts because it hurts. It's bad. It hurts a lot.

It's a big move. Did you guys do the Jimmy Tap? I remember the Jimmy Tap game. Nut tap. Yeah, ball tap. Jimmy Tap. Oh, yeah. I hated those games.

Did you Jimmy Tap a bunch of guys? I'm not past it. Yeah, I did. With her fucking jaw. Yeah, ball tap. Jimmy tap. Oh, yeah. I hated those guys. They'd slap each other in the nuts. Did you Jimmy tap a bunch of guys? I'm not past it. Yeah, I did. With her fucking jaw. Yeah. Yeah, with my teeth. I just went, ah, ah, Jimmy tap. Jesus, Jackie.

Why are you so fucking frightened? Read that fucking Cosmo, man. That's what it is. They tell me how the dudes in the donuts are fucking my fucking sheep stuffing. I don't know what that means, Jackie. I kind of want to fuck stuffing now. Yeah, it sounds great. Would you even fuck stuffing?

I'll shove inside of me. Then how are you going to get it out? Eat it out. You're going to eat it out? I'll get Doug to eat it out. You're going to make Doug eat stuffing out of you? I'm going to shove it up into my uterus, though. So he has to go in like

He's unstuffing a turkey So he has to put his whole forearm up inside of me And rip the giblets out It's food for when the baby moves in It's food for the baby It's time for a segment from Hold McNeely Apparently the show upstairs is starting half an hour early I had no fucking clue

Alright well let's just get to the segment We have to do a lightning round. Lightning round. Segment for McNeely. Roundtable. Time capsule. So what two things are you going to put into a time capsule? I'm going to put two things in.

I'll put two things in right now. One is a picture of us together in Christmas clothes. Move on. Move on. That's good. And the other is I want to freeze a boy. Throw him in there. Perfect.

Freeze a boy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because when you unfreeze him, he is I want to freeze a boy. Throw him in there. Perfect. Freeze a boy. Yeah, yeah. Because when you unfreeze him, he can grow up to speak their language. And I get to... Stay frozen? Yeah. Well, they have the option to unfreeze him. I don't know what the technology will be.

But he's not going to go bad in the capsule. No, he's not going to go bad. Nothing goes bad in this time capsule. Okay. Andy, I know you don't know the show that well, but something that you might want... I've been instructed, yeah. Yeah. I'm going to bring a gun.

Nice. And cigarettes. Both those things are going to be illegal. That's a great one. I'm going to do beer and just a couple of different shavings of Ed, sort of like bologna style. Hell yeah. Okay. Nice.

I'm going to do an old person that was buried alive. Great. And a black guy giving thumbs up. Nice. I love it. He was buried dead. Oh, he's still alive. He's just kicking around and loving it.

Lightning round, Jackie. Rice patty hat, and I want to shave all of the boils off Holden's neck and put it in a pill bottle and write happy pills on it so they have to eat them. Oh, my God. You want to destroy an alien race. I'm going to go with two and a half pounds of monkey meat.

Good. And a stuffed dog with a fleshlight jam that it's pussy. Perfect. Everyone's going to love that. Who's the best and who's the worst? You know what? I got to put Jackie on top. Jackie goes in.

All right. That'll be the first thing they discover. And then, yeah. And then, you know what? Everyone's was pretty good, so we're just going to put it all in a blender. Wow. Except for the live man. Oh, no?

No, he flies it. Yeah, yeah. He can't be in the blender because we're not going to kill anyone for this. What if this building collapsed right now and people actually thought it was bad that we died? What if they didn't realize? Oh, yeah. They'll be sad. When we die, people are going to be thrilled.

Memorialized. Yeah. We're just going to throw everything else in willy-nilly, but Jackie's goes on top. All right. Jackie Eddie Holden, Andy Haynes, and Burnells, and I'm Ben Kissel. Thank you, Marcus.

Thank you, Ben. We'll talk to you soon.