The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 172: The Beer Pong Rapist

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

This week on the Round Table: a rapist who targeted frat boys at beer pong tournaments is arrested, a raccoon gets his head stuck in a jar, and a boy is found handcuffed to a porch with a dead chicken tied to his neck. Joining us today: Andrew Short and Lane Pieschel!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay out, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. What was it? Dave something? Dave Lake. Dave Lake, okay. Are we recording now? Yep. gentlemen. Always civility. What was it? Dave something? Dave Lake. Dave Lake. Okay. Are we recording now? Yep. Alright, everyone, welcome to the round table of gentlemen.

Oh, I have to pray. Hail Satan. Dear Satan, thank you. Hail Satan. Hail Satan. Thank you so much for our listener and friend and fan, Dave Lake. He sent us a bunch of wonderful little, I guess they're for marijuana cigarettes. Is that right, Eddie? Yeah, they sound like rattlesnakes.

We've got a bunch of weed holders here. And Dave, thank you so damn much. They're the greatest things ever. I wish I had money for weed because then I would fill this up immediately. So that's the prayer. It goes out to Dave Lake. And also, thank you for bringing us our new sound guy.

His name is Ben, which I think is a terrible name. But that's fine. Hard life is a Ben. It's a hard life is a Ben. And he also sort of has red hair. So thanks for being here, Ben. I guess you can't. There's no microphone in front of you.

Well, that might be the worst question I ever asked. Can't ask a question to a man with no microphone. So hail Satan. Thank you so much for all that shit. And welcome to the roundtable, gentlemen. Let's go into the names here. Who is everybody around this roundtable? Don't talk yet, Lane.

Jackie Zabrowski. It's me. I start. I always start. I woke up covered in bruises, and I'm feeling good about it. Why? What happened? I don't know.

I think I got beat. Someone thought she was a bunch of potatoes. Oh, my goodness. And now I'm mashed. I'm mashed potatoes. The potato sack beater is around? That's terrible. I'm Ed Larson, and I like kicking potatoes.

Oh, my God, it was Ed. It was Ed the whole time. Holder McNeely, I love you. That is so gross. I love you. I want to be with you. What is wrong with you? Every sentence you say is the worst thing I've ever heard.

I know. It's bizarre. I don't know how you do that shit. Kiss his audience. Kiss his kisses. All right. Yeah, I'm Kevin Barnett, man. I sit next to Holden.

Way too cool to be her. All right. In the chuckle hut, we got Lane Pichelle. I've done this. And Lane, you're from Florida. Yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah, Florida.

What's up? Another Florida man in the house and, of course guest and uh well a current guest well definitely a current guest and an often guest andrew short it's often to be here thank you yeah it's often to have um but before we get to the news story ed larson has some major round table news to announce edward we have the round table of the year round tabler of the year uh awards coming up yeah the nominees uh just got in they're kind of we're about to release them and we're going to be presenting them next week yep at the live taping next saturday gentlemen 11 23 that's right 11 23 downstairs at the creek and then right afterwards is uh last podcast on the left, live, so...

But enough of this bullshit. Let's get to the Roundtable of the Year Awards. Let's do it. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba- This year's nominees for Round Tabler of the Year 2013, Amber Nelson. This is her second nomination. Wow, second nomination. She's not going to win. Michael Che is nominated. Again?

This is a three-time nominee, two-time winner. That guy could use a break. He could use a break. Well, this is, you know, it's a big deal for him, you know? It's important for him. First-time nominee this year, Kevin Barnett. Wow. That's the first actual round table.

Whoa, yeah. That's crazy, man. Now I got two blacks. Wow. Micah Sherman is also nominated for a second year. Fantastic. Andrew Short got nominated this year. Wow.

Surprise entry. Yeah, first time nominee, Andrew Short. Thanks a lot. And also, Ed Larson's nominated for the third time. You nominated yourself? No, no, yeah. First time nominee, Andrew Short. Thanks a lot. And also, Ed Larson's nominated for the third time. You nominated yourself? No, no, no. It was a big listener poll. There was a committee.

Yeah, and there was a committee on it. Who's on the committee? Barack Obama's on the committee. Barack Obama's on the committee. Really? Martin Scorsese's on the committee. Yeah, yeah. There's a lot of big people.

A lot of big people. Now, Andrew and Kevin, you guys got to take this seriously. This is a big thing for you. Yeah. I mean, you saw what happened to Che. He got Roundtable of the Year. Then he got Letterman. And then he got...

I'm taking credit for it. Then he got, you know, Rolling Stones, 50 Comedians. He's running for SNL. He got it again. He got SNL. Right. Lord knows what's going to happen to him if he gets it this year. God willing.

I hope he does. He's great. I'm hoping I get a chance to finally sneak in there. You know what? You won't, though, man. People are starting to talk that I can't hack him. You can't beat Che, dude. You can't.

I can't beat Che. If he wins again, Che will transform into pure energy. I'm surprised Henry didn't get the nod. Henry. Who? Oh, pure you, Henry! Yeah! I wish we could set up some sort of triathlon

or something. Yeah, some sort of physical challenge. Yeah, there should be a challenge he could under no circumstance ever participate. Breathing well. Alright. But yeah, no, it's an honor to be nominated again. I really just want to thank you. You nominated yourself. I didn't nominate. It was a big online poll, and people spoke, and the But yeah, no, it's an honor to be nominated again. I really just want to thank you. You nominated yourself, Adam. I didn't nominate.

It was a big online poll, and people spoke, and the people, you know, three times in a row I'm nominated, and I think that's a really cool thing. Just me and Che got that number. Right, yeah. I mean, you're 0-2, and Che is 2-0, so we'll see who wins. He's amazing. He's amazing. What are you going to say? Yeah.

No, I mean. I'd love to be Prince to him, King. All right. That's very nice. I'll let to say. Yeah. No, I mean. I'd love to be Prince to him, King. All right. That's very nice. I'll let him know. I'm sure he's thrilled that his fame has garnered him such attractive fame. I'll tell you what. I'm stepping in.

I'm nominating myself. No, Holden. You can't nominate. Not everyone can just be nominated. Well, yeah. No, we'll have presenters. I want to be the Vanna White of the awards. Okay.

Can I be sexy? No, you can't. You can bring out the award. Yeah, sure. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm the sexiest Vanna., you can't. You can bring out the award. Yeah, sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm the sexiest man. But you can't sound like that, Jackie.

I mean, listen to yourself. That's sexy, right? Yeah, yeah. You sound like the penguin. I feel like if you were a little sexier, you would have gotten nominated. Fuck. I'm going to try, guys. This is my year, okay? No, it's not.

This year's your year. Next year's your year. Next year's your year. Next year's my year. We're going to keep on doing this show forever. All right, Marcus, let's go to a news story. Man, that was great. Police. Police have arrested a 38-year-old man who they say sexually assaulted at least 10 college age men he met at beer pong tournaments.

I love it. As Ted Bundy killed sorority girls, this guy fucking molested all the right dudes. I love that he fucking molested these beer pong playing assholes. The man named Joey Poindexter Oh, what a Poindexter. Of course he is. Someone's gotta get the name.

Yes! He was arrested over the weekend for the alleged sexual assault of a man after a beer pong tournament in College Park, Maryland last month. The alleged victim says he woke up at Poindexter's house in the morning and recalled being sexually assaulted in the shower the night before. If you recalled, he just fucked him. That's what happened. It's just talking shit.

He's like, if I win and I beat you again, I'm going to come over there and I'm going to fuck you in the ass. And then he did it. So this guy took a shower with him? Oh, he remembers this. He wasn't molested. He did that by his own free will. Yeah, at least he was able to clean it all out of him.

It's a perfect place to have anal sex. What do you think, Kevin? I mean, these guys, they wanted it. It sounds like they to have anal sex. What do you think, Kevin? I mean, these guys, they wanted it. It sounds like they loved it. Yeah. And I feel like he just didn't want to wake up gay, so he woke up a victim instead. I wouldn't want to butt fuck in the shower. It's too slippery.

Well, you have to be careful. No, I feel like you just tripod it. You just go up against the wall, you tripod your legs. Yeah, I have sex in Kissel and I's shower all the time. It's fantastic. In that horrible shower? Yeah, in that nightmare shower. It's shower all the time. It's fantastic. In that horrible shower? Yeah, in that nightmare shower. It's the grossest place I've ever been.

It is the grossest place that anyone's ever been, and there's no curtain, and there's a window. And there's no soap. You fuck your girlfriend in that shower? All the time. You have no respect for her. Yummy, yummy. She has no respect for herself. It's crazy.

That's the kind of shower you walk out more dirty. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, it's the fun thing. Yeah, it's all the mold on the walls. Yeah, yeah. Fun with stickies. Fun with stickies. Blaine, you ever play beer pong?

It's a disgusting game, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just without getting butt fucked afterwards. You played it wrong. It's a one, huh? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Those are always the stakes, man. Every time you play. You're probably going to lose. Yeah, yeah. Those are always mistakes, man, every time you play.

You're going to lose. Butt fuck, that's all. Butt fuck, you're not butt fuck. Either way. Do you really hate people that play beer pong? Beer pong is a disgusting game. What are you talking about? The ball drops on the floor.

So you're not good at it. You wash the ball on the little thing. In the filthy water cup? No, beer pong is disgusting. It is gross. It's super gross. People would have, you'd throw the ball into water, and then you'd chug a beer when you got it in. That way no one got something else.

No, no, no, that's pussy. Yeah, that is pussy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm kind of with Jackie on that one. Right? What do you mean? That's the game. Don't you chug the beer after the ball goes in the hole?

Well, I mean, we would use juice boxes, and then, I mean, pray to Christ. You were going to get a ball into a juice box? These guys all had diapers on. Oh, I mean, pray to Christ. You were going to get a call in for a juice box. These guys all had diapers on. Oh, I see. But weirdly enough, we'd still get butt fucked in the end. Well, daddy had a tough day at work. Christ will get you.

The cops later found several photos at Poindexter's house of college-age guys, apparently in various states of consciousness and in compromising positions. The alleged victims were all drunk or unconscious. The alleged victims

were also heterosexual. Two of those alleged victims have come forward and police are trying to find at least seven other victims. Poindexter, I just can't believe they spelled Thomas Dale's name wrong.

I mean, that's amazing. Thomas Dale, great comedian. Check him out. Raging homosexual and honestly, he's amazing. Thomas Dale, great comedian. Check him out. Raging homosexual. And honestly, he's done worse than this man. Yeah, but Thomas Dale is attractive. This guy has the face the size of a fucking house.

Yeah, look at Joey Poindexter. Oh, he's a larger guy. Okay. Real big guy. Is he black? Yes. Yeah, okay. Black enough.

I didn't expect that. Yeah. At least it's against the stereotype of the last name point. I just love it that people are out there breaking stereotypes every single day, man. We are a people of many different creeds. This is what MLK was thinking. It's so important. I mean, in this day and age, when two black men can get nominated for roundtable of the

year, you know, it's just amazing. It's true. That's true. Diversity is at an end, and we are all the same. It is. I don't feel bad for the victims. Am I wrong? Yes.

Absolutely. No, but I mean, if you're a man and you're playing beer pong, they don't say he drugged the victims. They were just playing beer pong. Obviously, he was good at it. Obviously, he destroyed them. But they were just drunk, and they also seemed like fraternity sort of like douchey jock types. My question is, how did he get to the parties?

He just showed up. Oh, this guy! Oh, that's the guy who's amazing at beer pong. Bring him in. I mean, I don't know. Jackie, what do you think? I mean, you're a woman. You have to deal with sexual assault, the threat of it on a regular basis.

As a man, I just feel like it's the man's fault for being sexually assaulted. I mean, how dumb do you have to be to get raped by another man? Do you see how large that dude was? He's sweating in his mug shot. I guess so. Yo, Frankie, I'm coming in the shower. No, no, don't. Oh, ah.

I guess that's it. I guess that's it. I guess that's it. I don't know. It's pretty easy to get sexually assaulted by a man. By a gigantic man. If Ed wanted to take me right here, right now, we could do it. I mean, he doesn't. Say it's April 12th, 1998. Yeah, exactly, Marcus.

Take us back to Texas Tech University. May 17th, 2006. He wasn't even that big. Oh, my God. Disturbing, disturbing. But I do think society has less concern and less sympathy for a male who's been sexually abused by another man as opposed to a chick. Oh, definitely, man. Yeah.

I mean, what's this guy facing? Is this straight-up rape charges or something? Oh, this is definitely straight-up rape charges. Yeah, he just can't, what's this guy facing? This guy is... Is this straight up rape charges or something? Oh, this is definitely straight up rape charges. I think he's just going to find... He's going to mail it in. Yeah, he just can't play beer pong for a week? That's sad. One of my favorite games.

Well, Maryland police are working with cops in other cities where Poindexter recently attended beer pong and other sporting events. Oh, that's amazing. Including Dallas, Salt Lake City, Virginia Beach, Atlantic City, Baltimore, and Washington, D.C. The beer pong rapist. Yeah. That's pretty insane.

Yeah, man. Dude, he's a good name for a bad person. The beer pong rapist. I mean, that's what he is. Yeah. Right? I just never got laid after winning a game of beer pong. Because usually by that point, I'd flip the table and I was waving a gun around.

Yeah, yeah. I was always sweaty. I was always sweaty. I was always sweaty. You were just sweaty during beer pong? Yeah. Play to win. I don't think you're supposed to sweat even if you do win. Well, that's fine.

I don't exercise much. Oh. I don't believe it. I don't believe it. Because I'm the sexiest round tabler of the year. That's just an award you're giving yourself there. I just gave myself that award. I mean, you're definitely, she's right.

I'd always be kind of going for it. I'd put my nuts in the beard so that they'd trick them. They'd think they were getting the ping pong ball out, but they'd get my fucking ball sack. What happened to you in utero? What was it? How long is your ball sack where you don't have to just squat over it? I'm on the other side of the room, baby. I'm fucking chilling, man.

And to answer your question, Kissel, my parents really liked bumper cars. So when they had me, yeah, all throughout the pregnancy, they were on the bumper cars a lot at the carnival. I understand. So the carnival is to blame. Right, yes. Yeah, we'll get rid of them. I would get rid of all carnivals if that was true. So try to guess this guy's job.

Poindexter. African-American fellow, large head. Travels a lot. I'm going to say business. Bible salesman. Real estate appraiser. Does that kind of make sense? Nice house, nice house.

Let's go check out the shower. Yeah,, nice house. Let's go check out the shower. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's check out the shower. Why is the beer pong table all set up with all the beer and things? That's a little thing I like to do for the new clients. You're going to love it. Beer pong's a dirty game. It's a filthy game.

You've got to clean up afterwards. It makes sense. It makes sense this guy would play beer pong. It's a splashy game. It's a wet game. I can kind of see how that went down. It's like, oh, you're wasted, man. Here, I'll take care of you.

He takes him home. He's like, oh, man, you need to get in the shower. He just puked all over yourself. And then all of a sudden, he's in there with him. I can totally see it go down in my mind. I just feel like the sad thing is this guy's just not comfortable being gay. So he has to go through these elaborate ways to get dick. And it's just like, if he would just be able to tell his parents he was gay, he wouldn't have to rape a bunch of dudes.

I don't buy that, man. Because, I mean, it's not like rapists, like heterosexual rapists are uncomfortable with being heterosexual. They're way too comfortable with it. Yeah. I guess they're the coziest ones. I can just see, like, the movie of this, like the montage of him getting really good at beer pong. Take it to the limit! montage of him getting really good at beer pong.

Take it to the living room. Yeah, that ping pong movie, but do it with beer pong. But at the end, he just goes on his raping spree. You're like, we were cheering for the wrong hero. Straight up rape tour, man. But, hey, did it say, though, that he's, like, in the closet or nothing? He's not, like... No, I mean, it doesn't say anything. Yeah, yeah.

You just assume. Yeah. He's just a rapist. Everybody's going to assume that he's super into the rape, but what if he, like, really liked the travel element? Yeah, yeah. I mean, yeah, that's the thing. Fuck man versus food.

This needs to be a travel show. Fuck David Tell's Insomniac. That is fucking definite travel channel material. I'm seeing this country in the best way possible. What happens at the end of the episode? I rape the man. Oh, I think that's funny. That's great.

It's going to be huge. I want to see every baseball park in America. And then I rape the catcher. That's a thing that I do there. It's a different ending every time, but sort of the same. Why is this article posted on businessinsider.com? It's important to know. He was in real estate. For the traveling salesman. It makes sense. God, I just want to keep on asking our new sound engineer questions, but you don't have a microphone. Isn't that something?

Look at that. Look at that. Great radio. Great radio. Alright, Marcus, let's do another news story. Next story, a UK man has died after swallowing a huge amount of crystal meth in what he thought was a health drink. Whoa. Oh, man, this poor guy. That's so satisfying.

Is that a normal... I feel great. Top of the world. Top of the world. Best health drink I've ever had. 55-year-old Romano Diaz was handed a bottle labeled as a fruity drink by his daughter, Katie. His daughter? His daughter. She had found the drink in a package delivered to her home by mistake

and held onto it for years before rediscovering it and giving it to her father, Mr. Diaz's partner. Hold on. This little cunt. Yeah. I mean, it's not her fault. It's not ready yet. So his neighbor ordered a bunch of meth four years ago and never got the package, right?

That's pretty much what must have happened. I mean, probably, yeah. Then it got delivered to the wrong house. And they deliver the meth in a fruit drink. That it got delivered to the wrong house. And they deliver the meth in a fruit drink to make it seem like it's not meth. Did you mention that guy calling UPS? I placed this a week ago! Where's my package?

Sir, I don't know why you're freaking out over a fruit drink so bad. You can just go get an Adwala over at the deli. You don't understand. There's... Yeah. I'll just go get a drink. Meth keeps really well. I guess so. Maybe it gets stronger.

He said the guy from Florida. Mr. Diaz's partner, Deborah Dolson, said in a statement that he opened the bottle. Yeah. Said open. Deborah Dolson. Deborah Dolson. Just call me Debbie D. Debbie Double D

Ooh I like her now She's Fucking beating on those tits What are you gonna do to them? Just fucking beat on those Fucking big bags Yeah Play fucking bag boy

For a fucking couple of years Fuckers Just smacking those big things around I think that's a good idea You hear that Deborah Dolson? Hell yeah. You got a real lizard lover over here. That is disgusting.

Are you rude? Are you satisfied? I want to push, I want to touch my butt up against him. Oh my God. Deborah can get in a dirty shower if she wants. I feel like her, every woman's pussy just looks sort of like

Ren and Stimpy when Ren's nose used to go into his face. It just like puckers in and fucking seals up the idea of you. You're saying good lord about that? That's you. I'm referencing what you're doing to women's vaginas. Smack those fuckers out of town, dude. Smack them to a different area code, fuckers. That's fine. No, no, keep going, keep going. I mean, it goes on and on, Lane. That's fine.

No, no, keep going, keep going. I mean, it goes on and on, Lane. It never ends. It could go for a while. Yeah. Deborah Dolson said in a statement that he... She's going to get it, man. Oh, Deborah's going to get it.

Oh, fuckers. Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah. Well, she said in a statement that he opened the bottle and found a cork under the cap. He took the cork out, swallowed about half a glass of the mixture before complaining of the taste. He began to feel a burning sensation in his throat and said, I am in trouble here. I am dying.

I am dead. I am dead. Oh, fuck. Those were his last accurate words. Literally the... I'm dying. I'm dead. Well, technically you were wrong, but now you are. Alright, I have a legitimate question. It's not about the woman's breasts.

So, like, what's the game here? Are you supposed to dissolve that down to get the powder? You're supposed to sip of it. You're supposed to sip on it then? I mean, I've never heard of liquid meth. I'm sure you have to break it down somehow. Right?

Yeah, yeah. It could be that, like, Gatorade bottle. Yeah, maybe after four years the meth dissolved into the Gatorade. But what the fuck? His daughter had this all the time, and then he's like, oh, we haven't seen that. Oh, well, here it is again. I'm saying it don't add up. Yeah, I would have thrown it away.

That's a good point, Andrew. His daughter gave him a random. No, but she didn't know. She did this. But how is she holding on to it? Who holds on to some fruit juice for years? But she didn't know. But Kevin, if your daughter goes.

Exactly. Kevin, if your daughter hands you a fucking drink. First of all, I ain't never going to have no daughter, man. All right. Whenever your gay son hands you a drink. Nigga sperm will be dudes. Big ol' arms, man. All right. Whenever your gay son hands you a drink. Nigga sperm will be dudes. Big old arms, man. All right.

Whenever your masculine, masculine sperm has a beautiful flamboyant son and he hands you a bottle, you're not just going to immediately pop it and start drinking the fucking thing. No. I mean, this guy's reaction was impulsive and wrong. He made a terrible decision. I mean, he was beyond impulsive because he took the cap off and then found a cork underneath the cap. And what juice bottle has a cork on it? I don't know.

This guy, you know, Darwin. Well, how liquid methamphetamine works is they often send methamphetamine in liquid form, in liquor bottles, things that are going to pass inspection. But what they do and they get is they boil the water away, which leaves the solid methamphetamine. And then they smoke it. And, well, deal it. Well, why don't they just drink it? It seems like it works.

Because that happens. Well, if you just have a little sip of it, have a little thimble of it, though, and then you get the same experience, right? I don't think you do. I don't know, man. Maybe not, because you can't. I mean, with drugs, there's always a delivery method. You can't just eat a nug and get high, because with drugs, there's always a delivery method.

You can't just eat a nug and get high, because your body metabolizes it in a different way. You'll feel it, though. A little bit. If you ate an ounce of weed, you would feel it. I mean, have you ever eaten weed? Yeah, but I was on different drugs, so I don't know if it... Oh, I see. When you eat weed, it's a lot like you're on acid. Were you on acid?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It was like my third course. Yeah, that's the thing. So you can't just eat a nug of weed and get stoned. I mean, you have to eat. I think you have to eat a lot of it. There's something about the way your body metabolizes the THC.

That's why you have to boil the THC out when you make weed brownies and stuff like that. So, I mean, I'd imagine that drinking meth wouldn't get you the same high as smoking it because you're essentially just drinking deadly chemicals. Oh, I see. Yeah, and you get metabolized. Because that's like Drano and like... Yeah, okay. It's awful stuff.

I mean, you can't... Well, don't say it's awful. Let's not piss off the lobby. Let's just try to have fun. There's a lot of information here. No one snorts it, right? Yeah, you can snort it. Oh, people do snort it. Oh, I thought you mostly smoked it snorts it right Yeah you can snort People do snort

Oh I thought you mostly smoked it Oh dude you gotta snort Wait hold on Wait what happened Andrew Be careful we don't want any drug addicts on our awards list God knows He's just a nominee let's not give it to him yet Oh okay he hasn't won

Not yet And who has won We don't know yet Tell us I'm still waiting not give it to him yet Oh okay Hasn't won Not yet And who has won We don't know yet Tell us We don't I'm still waiting for the polls to come in Oh okay Wow

You know how much meth Was in that bottle How much Fifty eight thousand dollars worth Wow That's a lot He was right when he said that So somebody got killed

Over that missed delivery Someone died Definitely Fifty eight thousand Yeah And meth is fucking cheap as shit. Yeah. It was all meth. It was all meth.

They say it's like 10 bucks a hit. Who's good at math? Kevin's the smartest one here. 58,000. 5,800. You fucking nerd. You fucking nerd, Jackie. No, it's $580,000 probably street value, right?

I think it was $58,000 street value. Street value? Yeah, okay. That's a lot of money, though. Jesus Christ. And this guy, wow. What a fucking way to go. We should do this.

Can he drink half the bottle before he figured out something was wrong? Yeah, I mean, doesn't it hit your taste bud in your sleep? Probably after he just got done working out or something. You know what I mean? Where he was like, super proud of himself. I blame fucking NordicTrack for this whole goddamn thing. Trying to get in shape. Even when you drink Diet Coke for a second, you're like, ugh.

That's true. That's a good point. Fuck Diet Coke. You hate it? Yeah. Bad. Yeah, it sucks. Honestly disgusting.

What is your beverage of choice, Ash? What happened to you? Hold it. Beer. Yeah, beer is the It's honestly disgusting. What is your beverage of choice, Ash? What happened to you? Hold it. Beer. Yeah, beer is the only beverage that matters. Milk? I mean, it's what kills... Milk a lot?

Yeah, milk. I love milk. Yeah, me too. I don't really fuck with milk like that, man. Yeah? Put some ice in it. Give it a shot. Nah, nah, nah.

Kevin, your favorite beverage? What is your favorite beverage? My favorite beverage, man? I don't really know, man. I'm going to say Diet Dr. Pepper. Keep it moving. Diet Dr. Pepper? I love Diet Dr. Pepper. You are a fucking animal. Pepper. Diet Dr. Pepper? I love Diet Dr. Pepper.

You are a fucking animal. Why? Diet Dr. Pepper is the worst ever. It tastes exactly like Dr. Pepper. It really does. There's metal in it. Who gives a shit? We're going to move on.

What I am saying is... End of sentiment. I'm not going to talk about soda anymore? No. People like to hear about it. I like soda. People like to hear about us talking about soda. Diet Dr. Pepper is the best soda. Yeah. I'm not going to talk about soda anymore? No. People like to hear about it. People like to hear about us talking about soda. Diet Dr. Pepper is the best soda. I like various colas.

Hell yeah, man. Absolutely. Should we do this for 20 minutes? No. Because we could. There's Capri Suns, man. Capri Suns. Capri Suns.

They're way back in the last. You know, now that they're starting to ferment, there's a big problem with kids nowadays. Drinking hooch? That's hilarious. It gets kids drunk because it's on the shelves for too long. So there's a huge thing they're trying to ban Capri Sun. They should have not fucking named that flavor prison wine, you know, because it's really coming true. Sad.

Andrew, what's your favorite soda? Moxie. Moxie. And Lane, your favorite soda? I gotta go Diet Coke, I think. We're just shitting on Diet Coke You're like a coward You have long hair

I know I'm so sorry Cheerwine Fuckers Cheerwine's really good What's Cheerwine Cheerwine man You can only get it down south

What is it Or you can go to the Blue Stone Oh you got it there Is it actual wine No It's like a cherry soda It's fucking delicious Yeah it's pretty good

It's really fucking good My favorite's Mountain Dew. No one asked you, though. Here's the matches are. Marcus, you're ruining the fucking... Your opinions, bro. Read the script, Marcus. Read the fucking script.

That's me. No, Mountain Dew is great. I love Mountain Dew. I just like Mountain Dew. I also like Diamond Dew. Yeah, I love it. Are you some type of fucking skateboarder or some shit? In a can.

It's the best. Why don't you fucking pop yourself from Starburst and go rollerblade into a goddamn lemon? Hmm. All right, Marcus. Let's do another news story. We're done with the man who drank the... We're done with that. We're moving on to Matheson Hammock, Florida.

Oh, is that where you're from, man? Oh, I know where that is, though. Where is it? I know where that is. It's like by Miami. Oh, okay. Matheson Hammock? No, no one's from it. It's by Miami. Madison Hammock? No one's from it. It's like a beach.

It's like a rich ass kind of beach. Bring class into it. I got a story from there. Firefighters rescued a raccoon that got its head stuck in a jar. Oh my god. That's kind of cute. What kind of jar was it? I the raccoon head out of a jar? It takes one man and one hammer.

Yeah, exactly. It is a Toyota ad. Hey, no, no, play the Toyota ad. Is that the whole story, Marcus? Yeah. Yeah, that's it. Imagine how cute it was. Well, the raccoon had been walking around with his head stuck in a jar

until it finally sat on a trash can without moving. Oh, different. Soon after Miami Fire Rescue arrived to the scene, rescuers were able to safely remove the jar from the animal's head. But look, here's some video. That's a big raccoon. There it is, shaking around. Check out the

video of the raccoon with his head stuck in the jar. I'll post this on the roundtable page. This is a raccoon stuck in a It looks like a fucking idiot. It looks like a pickle jar. It is a pickle jar. Maybe a little raccoon stuck in his... He looks like a fucking idiot. He's trying to eat police days. Yeah, it's like it is a pickle jar. Maybe a candle

used to be in there or something. Oh, my God. Poor little guy. He's like a little raccoon astronaut, though. You know? Like Prometheus.

It really is like in a Tom and Jerry cartoon where he's got like a mason jar. And then here's the... Yeah, it is. The fireman pulls it out and then throws

the raccoon on the ground. He's super pissed. Yeah, the raccoon on the ground. He's super pissed. Yeah, the raccoon just skirts away. Did you see the crowd that was gathered around? And the newswoman just can't get enough. What a fucking hot ass. What happened to you, Jackie? She is gorgeous and she needs me.

What were you going to do with her, man? Oh, well, I'll tell you one thing. She's going to love going on dates with me because i don't make girls cry on dates so she's gonna love it it's been a week ben i'm over it now he's letting a girl cry and then he bought her a gift i didn't make her cry she cried over an ex-boyfriend and then he bought her a gift because it felt so bad at home if you're on a date with a girl especially early on don't ask her about her past i didn't ask her about it all she did was keep on bringing up ex-boyfriends and then they fucking was like

oh that's interesting and then i was like do you talk to him and then she's like yeah all but one and then started crying and then it was awful yeah but didn't you tell her to go home after that because she was crying and i didn't want to see her do it wow you were a serial killer i tried to save it i tried to save it. I tried to save it. I gave her a gift. What was the gift? She's a big Chicago Bears fan, so I bought her a Chicago Bears sweater, and I wrote a little note that said, it's getting cold outside. You're going to need to warm her Bears shirt.

And I also got her a Bears necklace that was in the shape of a heart. That's really scary, man. That is terrifying. Well, I'm sorry, Jackie, that love doesn't exist. That love isn't real. That was on... I'm creeping you Jackie, that love doesn't exist. That love isn't real. Ew! That was on the first day.

I'm creeping you out. This was on the third day. Thank you, Lane. And... What? I'm creeping you out? Kissel, is there anything you want to say to her or clear the air right now? You should have just spent that money on a whore. Yeah, exactly, dude. I spent it on one. She didn't even...

That was funny, man. No, she didn't get back to me. I fucking hate her. I don't care. I'm over it. I don't feel guilty about it. You can't cry over

ex-boyfriends on a date when you're with another person that is not your ex-boyfriend that you're crying over. I don't like her. I don't like her

anymore, dude. You can't just be doing all that. But anyway, baby, baby, I would really like to go out with you again. It's really sad. He's called a whore and brought out a radio program. He's called a whore and go out with you again. It's really sad.

You called him a whore and brought out a radio program. You called him a whore and brought out a radio program. You're terrifying. We never would say that about you. That's right. Thank you, Ed. I mean, if you look at the record. But who's judging what by who, you know?

It doesn't matter. I'm all alone and I'm finding love. Marcus, let's... Not real. Yeah, the raccoon with a jar on his head. I would... I... That...

It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Let's move on to the next... Let's move to Mexico City for more midget news. Raccoons! The gnomes! The gnomes!

Mexican authorities say two midget professional wrestlers found dead in a low-rent hotel in the capital may have been drugged to death

by female robbers. It is funnier that they're in a low-rent hotel in the capital may have been drugged to death by female robbers. It is funnier that they're in a low-rent hotel, right? You know exactly what they're talking about. Well, this is Fox News. They know how to write a story. Did Fox News write the word midget? Absolutely. Really?

Oh, wow. That's amazing. Autopsies are being performed on the two midget wrestlers. I mean, it's the quickest job. The autopsy guy is just like, easy work. This is great. One of the wrestlers went by the name La Parquita, or Little Death, and wore a skeleton costume in the ring.

The other was known as Espectrito Jr. And here's some real sad news. If any of you guys are wrestling fans out here, this was Mini Mankind. Which is really sad. Mini Mankind, it was kind of a cheesy character. After Mick Foley had to sort of stop wrestling, they did a bunch of fucking, you know, just like random theatrics. But he was, I love him. They deserved it.

They were probably trying to fuck those robbers. They were tiny people who were being robbed. It doesn't mean they can't rape. Some hot chick showed up and drugged them to steal their food. Steal their whatever. Steal their food? What do they have? What reader is that?

Bunch of bite-sized Snickers. Bunch of tiny Tostitos. They eat like tiny apples. Kevin, what do you think little people eat? Little people eat like they have like tiny apples that look like grapes. Yeah, like grassy apples. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They eat quails instead of chickens and things like that. Cornish hens. Cornish hens. Exactly. They have wonderful little delicious little people diets. Oh, they eat Cornish hens with just the little legs. They get a little drumstick. I bet they eat a lot of jelly but just the little legs. They get little drumsticks. I bet they eat a lot of jelly beans.

It's adorable. I don't trust midgets, man. I always see, if I see them, I always imagine they're somewhere at night in a forest with a cauldron, stirring some type of shit that's got kids in it, man. That's what they do. And that is a stereotype I believe in. I agree. I like it.

It's an empowered stereotype. I didn't know it was a stereotype. I had never heard of that stereotype before. That's the type of influence I have. Round table of the year. Oh, Kevin's making a big hit. Making a strong push. That was great.

You know what? As a matter of fact, we should, on the round table page, please list who you think out of the nominees should be round tabler of the year. Please do. And let us give Mr. uh and who was the other and mr scorsese try to sway their opinion a little bit because of course they have the final say because once the president wants the greatest director hopefully he can hold on is he still around yeah yeah yeah he sent in his ballot so oh okay well he must be then and of course uh the one

and only the most amazing mr nelson Nelson Mandela. So, yes. Well, to answer your question about the female gangs, in Mexico, it's a big problem in which gangs of female robbers are experienced at using drugs to knock men out and rob them, but they may have used too strong of a dose. I mean, they used a regular dose. They used a regular dose on midgets. You got to have it. You got to have it. Just a regular dose.

Yeah. That's sad. Just go weed brownie. So, these women... Yeah. That's sad. Just a weed brownie. So these women... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did they... Fuck the mouth! Fucked up for weeks and weeks.

Are they charged with the murder? Do they know who did it? They haven't... It's Mexico. No one gets caught for anything. Right, right, right. Man, I wanna be a female robber. I wanna drug people.

Go to Mexico. Yeah, go to Mexico. Go do it. No, thank you. Yeah, what's her name from Cocaine Cowboys, Jackie? What's her name from Cocaine Cowboys? I think she's just called the Godmother. The Godmother.

Yeah, yeah. That's kind of your idol a little bit, right? Like 100%. I would do anything to fucking kill. Like, if you had kids, Holden, like, kill your kids. Right, right. How would you kill them, Jax? You going to poison them? You going to shoot them? You going to stab them? I would pay someone else to fucking do it. Oh, right. How would you kill them, Jax? You're going to poison them?

You're going to shoot them? You're going to stab them? I would pay someone else to fucking do it. Oh, I see. I'm not doing that shit. Yeah, pay some people to sit on them.

Yeah, I'm going to eat Fritos. She got killed last year. Motorcycle drive-by. What she created. It was her invention. That's how they got her. I love it. I love it.

Yeah. Awesome. Rock and roll. It's brilliant stuff. These poor women, though, they didn't want to murder these little guys. No, no, not at all.

They must feel bad. Absolutely. They must feel bad. I wonder if they stole their... Yeah, it really is. But it's sadder. He's got the mind of an adult. Christmas is ruined forever.

Oh, and to add to the tragedy, these two wrestlers were twin brothers. Oh, man. Couldn't tell them apart, huh? And Espectrito means little ghost So it's little devil and little ghost Little death and little ghost It just sucks that they lost those two

Because who's going to make the toys for their Christmas? See, we've been talking about midgets for a while now, Kevin It's like the third week in a row that we've been talking about midgets But you've missed the last two weeks So it's good to have you back to get in your perspective. The toys joke hasn't even been made yet. I can't believe we didn't get to that one. We tried desperately

not to think about Christmas. It's coming up. What just happened? You know. Just took a dour turn. Yeah, it's just sad. Lane, you ever been on a date where a girlfriend cries about an ex-boyfriend? Oh, she's not dating me right now you ever been on a date where a girlfriend cries about an ex-boyfriend? Such girlfriend.

No. Oh, she's not dating me right now? No. She's not here with me right now? Hey, what if she kicks open the door and she's here all of a sudden? Oh, man. She's in that kegerator. Just fucking...

There's a kegerator in the studio that's full of fucking old-ass beer. Yes, I wish she was in it. I wish she was here with me right now, but Lane, you're here and you have beautiful blonde hair. She had blonde hair and it was very nice to... Am I reminding you of this girlfriend? No, no,. I wish she was here with me right now, but Lane, you're here and you have beautiful blonde hair. She had blonde hair and it was very nice to... Am I reminding you of this girlfriend? No, no, no, because you're talking to me right now. Better watch out.

Don't play beer pong with him. Oh, yeah. No, no. I'm not going to make you tuck it and grow tits. Alright, I'm sorry. I have a correction. I get back to the Mexican Midget Wrestlers. Two women were found guilty for the crime and sentenced to

47 years in prison. 47? What? You should get half if you kill a man. Yeah, absolutely. So they were convicted, huh? They were caught

and they were convicted. Absolutely. Very rare. Very rare. You feel bad for the women though, Jackie. Yeah, I just hope Going to a Mexican prison

like that. I mean, you can join their gang. The gang is called La Filtration. Oh my God, I would fucking love it. La Filtration. I mean, I'm sure it's La Filtration. Filtration, yeah. What does it mean?

The filtration. Yay. Oh, the filtration? Yeah, clean water. Yeah, isn't it like a sewage thing? Yeah, but I think they're talking about their pussy juice. Oh, yeah. Love it.

I wonder if they fuck on top of the people that they drug. Yeah. Maybe. What happens if you run a bunch of pussy juice through a Brita? Oh, I mean, I don't know. It becomes tequila. That is a fucking interesting question. Good ass idea.

That is a good question. What does it taste like? Water, probably, right? I guess so. Does the Brita just, like, not do it? Listeners, send in your pussy juice. We'll get a Brita. We have a lot of very young listeners,

and I have a feeling the only ones that will send in any juice is going to be from Fat Man's Ass Cracks. By the way, every fat man out there with a sweaty ass crack, you're my favorite fucking listener. Send in that fucking butt juice. I'm not going to drink from a mason jar of mystery juice. You're not going to do it? I'm going to run it through a Brita.

Not going to help. It will help. It will help. I don't think a woman could secrete enough juice. Yeah, it would take forever. To put it through a Brita. Yeah, you can. If you've got a splacker, then they can probably secrete enough juice.

Absolutely. You've got to get one in here. Yeah. Start working, Jackie. I don't know how to do it. I can't do it. You did it before. Go find us a splacker.

All right, I'll find us a splacker. I would love to. You work at a coffee shop. Yeah, I can find one. Can we talk about what happened at your coffee shop with the camera? I mean, if you want. You guys are a lot more upset about it than I am. Oh, Lord, with the camera.

This is an interesting real-life story that has obviously not made the big news. Jackie works at a wonderful coffee shop. May I say the name of it, Jackie? Yeah, sure. It's called The Blue Stove. It's in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. Shop there. Get some pie.

Great pie, great coffee. There was a man, safe to use the bathroom now, there was a man who put a camera in the bathroom, and no one knows how long it was there but the owner was looking around and then she was like, hey, what's that? Calls over a person one of the employees there. And it couldn't have been more for a few hours at most. Yeah, but apparently he was in there for most of the day.

Like he's a customer that came in often. Right, so a dude put a camera in the bathroom. Lord knows how many times he's done it. God knows how many times he's done it. And then as soon as the owner recognized the camera, the guy runs in, grabs the camera, and just bolts out of there. So basically, Jackie, there's a good chance

that somebody is jacking off to you just taking a Zabrowski dump. I fucking hope so, man. I would... I mean, whose fetish is that? He's not looking at me. It was pointed up toward... It was dick status. Yeah, it was probably dick piss. Was it for d. It was pointed up toward, it was dick status. Yeah, it was probably dick piss.

Was it for dicks, you think? I bet it was dick piss. Really? Yeah, so probably a close-up on my asshole, which, man, it is sweet. And it is pert. But, I think it was... What? Pert.

Pert. It's pert. It's both pure and pert. I think it was mostly for dicks. Did you hear about this story, Kevin? No, I didn't hear. When was it? It just happened, like, last week.

Yeah, two weeks ago or something like that. So now we got a bunch of fucking cameras in there fucking watching us. Taking pictures the real way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everyone knows. We're videotaping your pussies and your dicks. Yeah, and then I watch it. I've got a big fucking screen in my bedroom.

I'm just fucking shoving my fist up into my pussy. Oh, that's great. That's where it belongs. So go shop at the blue stove. All cameras are out of the bathroom. And I've got a story that is directly related to this. Oh, wow. A Massachusetts man arrested for taking upskirt cell phone photos of women on subways has argued in court that it's perfectly legal and constitutionally protected.

What? MIP, actually. I don't know. I mean, how is it constitutionally protected? First Amendment. Freedom of speech? Freedom of speech. I don't know if they thought about expression. Michael Robertson? He's just reporting the news. Freedom of the press? Look at this pussy. I think

freedom of the press is a better, yeah. I'm buying that paper, I'll tell you that. Here, here, here, I've got a pussy picture. Read all about it, more just like look at it and jack off. Michael Robertson, 31, was arrested in 2010 after trying to take photos of women's dresses on a Boston subway. He's now defending what he says is his right to take upskirt pictures of women in public. He's now defending what he says is his right to take upskirt pictures of women in public. Robertson's defense attorney, a woman, argued before the state Supreme Court on Monday that her client's actions are protected under the First Amendment.

While she's talking, he's just like, take a picture. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, not now, Larry. Not now. If a clothed person reveals a body part, whether it was intentional or unintentional, he or she cannot expect privacy and that peeping Tom laws cover bathrooms and dressing rooms, but not public areas. I mean, I sort of understand that in a weird way. It seems legal to me. I mean, I don't want to sound like a complete monster, but I think he's chicken off. I mean, what do you think, Andrew? Could you imagine like the thought process of that guy where he's like, well, I'm not going to just go to

a plea bargain. I'm going to take this to the Supreme Court. Like a total psychopath. Yeah, Anton Schoon is like, I'm going to need some more photographic evidence. I don't know if he actually did it. Everyone's fucking jacking off, coming in their robes and shit. I don't know. I caught a guy

taking a picture up. I had a skirt on and I had like leggings on but also it's like was that a wide length but no that's the thing they weren't spread he just fucking took a picture

of my thighs touching and it's like look at me he can't fucking see my pussy from underneath me what are you fucking taking a picture of a couple years he will

yeah yeah yeah my lips are gonna be down to my knees I just thought it was weird I love it when a girl's thighs touch yes Yeah! My lips are going to be down on my knees! I just thought it was weird. I love the way the girl's thighs touch.

I guess. It is an odd fetish for me to understand. Just a shot of just an anonymous pussy is very strange. I cannot get off to that at all. But I think it's the thrill of it, though, right? Of actually doing it. It's the excitement. Maybe it's an art form. Well, constitutional law expert Leon Friedman said, I think It's excitement. Maybe it's an art form. Yeah. Well, constitutional law expert

Leon Friedman said, I think it's ridiculous. Do you have a reasonable expectation of privacy in your underwear or in the thighs of your body when you cover it with a skirt? And the answer is, you do. I agree with that. I agree with that. Some women in New York City who they

asked about this were appalled by the case. One woman said, a lot of perverts out there. Horrible. I can't believe that's the case here. Some chicks fucking don't give you a thank you text when you buy them a bear sweatshirt. So it doesn't really matter what all of them say.

Lord. Jesus. Ben, the sound engineer, just agreed with everything I said. He gave me a thumbs up. That's not true. He doesn't have a mic. He doesn't have a mic. He doesn't have a mic. He never gave you a thumbs up.

Ben's going to say a lot on this show. He never gave you a thumbs up. Yes, he did. There's no evidence that he didn't. You're killing it today, Ben. Not you. Yeah, the other one. He's hilarious.

I love this fucking guy. Another woman said, it's very frustrating. The more time that goes by, the more rights that they have, the more loopholes that they can find, and it's just less and less safe. Oh, is this a race thing now? They, those people. Those upskirt-taking people. Loopholes where I always like to put my camera. Right in the loophole.

Yeah. I like that. No, I like it, though. I mean, I definitely thought of a pig's asshole In a way Because I thought of the Oinky tail I was thinking a looper

Looper Looper is great I mean I just thought of Like literal loophole And I still didn't understand Why you said it Just throwing it all out there See what sticks

That's fine Well you're not really Helping yourself when it comes To round table of the year award. Yeah, are we pulling out his nomination? No, I mean, the nomination already got... I got to kill a girl to get nominated. Oh, okay.

They can remember that for this week, guys. So don't kill a girl. Don't kill a girl. That would be our best. Can you dress a boy up like a girl and kill that? You can beat the shit out of him. You can't kill him. Yeah.

Play some beer pong with him. It'll be fine. Well, roundtable audience, let us know what you think about this legal case. We'll see. I sort of almost understand where the legality of it is.

He's just taking pictures of something that he's seen. Here's what he's charged with. He's charged with two counts of photographing an unsuspecting nude or partially nude person. I mean, then the entire American Peril ad campaign has to be gone.

Well, no, I mean... Unsuspecting. Sort of. They're consenting. Yeah, mildly. He faces more than two years in prison if found guilty. Well, jail, not prison. Jail, yeah. My friend Woody in middle school put mirrors on his shoes. It was a lot of fun. See, that's fun.

That's how Rodney Dangerfield thinks of me. Yeah, that's kind of... Yeah, I mean, how quick do you have to jack off? Picture, like, you know, like the dudes who check for bombs under cars with one of those long-ass mirrors on a cane? Yeah. Just imagine the guy with the mirrors on his shoes. He's like, she's got a string.

She is a bomb. Pretending you're blind, you got, like, a little stick, and then when you flip it over, it's a mirror, and theyending you're blind, you got like a little stick. And then when you flip it over, it's a mirror. And they think you're blind. So they don't think you're looking at nothing. It's a good cover. It's a real good cover.

This guy should have thought of that. There's a lot of things he should have thought about. If he goes to prison, though, there's going to be a shitload of asshole shots. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Who's bringing a camera in the showers, then? I don't know. Maybe me.

Maybe one of those snaps. Maybe you. Maybe some fucking biggies in there. I feel like you would run prison if you got in there. Yeah, yeah.

For some reason. You'd have to get raped for a few years, though. I'd be the ball sucker. What my trick would be to keep my heterosexuality, I'd draw nipples on the balls. Yeah, that's a good idea. And then I'd treat them ball sucker. My trick would be to keep my heterosexuality. I'd draw nipples on the balls. Yeah, that's a good idea.

And then I'd treat them like tits. I don't know how much that helps. Just some tiny, wrinkly titties. Yeah, tiny, wrinkly titties, man. Let's go for it. Do you think they would let you draw the nipples on the balls? Yeah, true. If they want to get sucked off with pleasure.

Exactly. With pleasure. And after beating the fuck out of me, I mean, you know, I would assume they'd give me a little leniency. Yeah. Man, I'd get beaten the fuck out of me in prison. Oh, man.

They would rip your teeth out just for better blowjobs. God knows. God knows. I'd be fucking doming dudes up at that place. Fucking doming

bros up in there. Hell yeah. I think you'd be fine. I really do. I think you would out-crazy the craziest person in prison. You think so? I know it. Think so?

Yeah, I'd be the spider. That's what I'd call myself. You never know where his web will be spun. And you're fucking cocked, Bruno. Well, I don't know what Bruno did to get in there, but he was probably just there for tax evasion, and he's just in the corner crying.

I never asked to be roomed with you. That's fine. Marcus? One more story before we get to the segment. Authorities arrested a Union County Department of Social Services worker and a Monroe man Friday night after an 11-year-old boy was found handcuffed to the front of a home

with a dead chicken tied around his neck. Wow! Chupacabra. Growing up strong. I guess so. A deputy was answering an animal services complaint next door to the home on Austin Road when he saw a child secured to the front porch at the ankle

by what appeared to be a pair of handcuffs. The child also had a dead chicken hanging around his neck and appeared to be shivering. What was the dead chicken? It was on a rope or something? It doesn't say how. They couldn't afford a babysitter and they wanted to make sure he could eat. So they used, lucky the dead chicken will take care of him. Don't worry about it.

It does not say how the chicken was affixed to his person. Glued to him. Yeah. That's kind of rough. That's kind of a rough little story there. Yeah, but was the kid naked? He wasn't naked. He was clothed. He was fully clothed. He even had a necklace there.

Marcus, were you naked when this happened to you as a kid? Yeah, that's the thing. I had my loincloth. Yeah, this was on Marcus' Christmas list, the Santa Claus. Not bad. Please make it the dead chicken instead of the live coyote this year. Oh, that's nice. Yeah, you behaved well.

Moments later, after the deputy arrived, 57-year-old Dorian Lee Harper appeared on the porch along with another child who released several large dogs onto the officer. Yikes. Continue. When additional officers arrived, they removed five children from the home. Harper and Wanda Sue Larson 57

were arrested. I thought this sounded familiar. I blocked it out. Yeah. That's interesting. So the chicken around the neck and then there's a bunch of kids in there. Are they foster kids or their own kids? Foster kids. Of course. Well, the 11-year-old was a foster kid.

The four others were not. Oh, so he deserved it. No, he did not deserve it, Jackie. So the foster kid got the chicken? Yeah, the foster kid got the chicken. Well, he should have been a real kid. That's what I'm saying. He is a real kid.

What is wrong with you animals? Savage monsters. Beasts. It's like a midget is half a person. He's a quarter of a kid. Yeah, being a foster kid is worse than being a midget is what we're saying. Well, I have a lot of foster brothers and sisters, and they're real people, and they're real kids. Ready for midgets?

Well, no. Are all of them mentally retarded? None of them are. Some push carts. You know, that's fine. This story makes me sad. Andrew. I took it as a sad story.

Yeah! Oh, you got me? After three years, you're finally sad at a story. Finally sad at a story? Every goddamn story I tell, I'm sad at. You're the monster. You're the bitch. Let's fuck, Jackie.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry about all that. I agree. Don't buy me a gift. You got yourself a sweatshirt coming in the mail. Oh, God. And a nice heart necklace. You know.

How much did the heart necklace cost? It doesn't matter. We could talk about, like, hey, I have no money. So I just want to throw it out there. Ben Kissel, to the listeners out there, is clearly looking for love. So give the email address out, Marcus. Cavecomedyradio at gmail.com. Any listeners out there

that are interested please only I just say send a photocopy of your ID get your parents consent before you send a message in but send in your likes even if you're 30

exactly send your likes send your dislikes in send your zodiac sign and what you would like to do with Ben Kissel on a first date dick pics only

I have a feeling there might be some of those coming in. Oh, man. Put it like a wig and a little dress on your dick. Yeah. Do that. Absolutely.

Draw some lipstick on. Either way, send in your messages, and we'll see if we can make a love connection, a kissle connection. If you dress up your dick and send it in to cavecomedyradio at gmail.com, you get a round table of gentlemen. Gold star. Absolutely. A gold star. That's star that's great this is exciting and let me know what you think about bill de blasio and then i'll i'll be good uh it doesn't matter marcus are we done with the saddest story that we've heard

it's time for a second i don't know it wasn't that sad no no i mean i'm just a sensitive man it's a kid who you know he'd be homeless if it wasn't for this woman. He was handcuffed outside with a dead chicken around his neck. He's gonna grow up to be a dope-ass rapper, though, man. And he wasn't naked. Dead chicken is a good name for a rapper.

You know who this was, Holden? Charlotte, North Carolina. Yeah! Not really. Home of the Hornets. They don't exist anymore. Nope. So there you go. The Pelicans. Whatever.

Are they the Pelicans? Yeah, the Pelicans. That's really sad. It's a bad name. That's awful. What do we have? The Bobcats or something? Yeah, you got the Bobcats.

That's fine with me. Man, we should have went straight to that segment, huh? Yep. Yep. We really should have. And now it's time for a segment from Holden McNeely. Guinness Book of World Records. Marcus Guinness Parks, owner of Guinness Book of World Records, is accepting new world records.

How many millions and billions of dollars does it take to buy Guinness World Records? Trillions and billions. I mean, it took about, I would say, $200 million. Now, why did you want to buy Guinness? What made you want to be the sole owner of that company? Why wouldn't I? It's a great answer. I feel like the man who holds the world

records in his hand holds the world in his hand. Fantastic. I'm going to start my world record that I would like to enter in as a possibility to get in the book. Longest log. So, I'm going to get the longest dookie log. I think I'm just going to eat a bunch of fucking steaks and stuff like that.

Really fill the belly up Kobayashi style. Some bread and some rice to keep it bound together. Exactly. Otherwise you shoot out a bunch of diarrhea. Well, I'm going to shoot a bunch of glue up my ass. So that's the way that I figured I could get it all stuck together. Isn't that cheating though if you shoot glue up your ass? Marcus, is it cheating if he shoots glue in his ass?

Absolutely not. It's not cheating, but I think it's cheating, Marcus. Thank you very much. Hey, because anybody else can shoot glue up their ass. It's a poop-enhancing drug. So I'm going to shoot it up there, and then I'm going to need a large field because I figure I'll have to do a walk-in poop.

We'll take it all the way out, get it, you know, I'll do some practice runs, and then I'll invite you out to come see and smell, my friend, and we will measure that poopy. All right, I like it. There you go. Okay, my Guinness Book of World Records thing that I want to submit, which I think would be very profitable for a lot of people,

is called Man Who's Fucked the Most Whales. Now, you see, with this record, there's no cost. All I have to provide is hope. I just got to go out there and swim, find these whales. We can film all of this and make this into a documentary for Discovery Channel or Animal Planet, depending on your preference. That's great. Or Travel Channel, I think, too. What's the name of that show?

Kevin Barnett Whale Fucker. Literally, Man Who's Fucked the Most Whales. It's literally The Man Who Fucked the Most Wh It's literally the man who fucked the most whales. That's the name of the show. Whale whores. Yeah. Rail wars. Whale whores.

Whale wars. Whale whores. Well, we're going to get into some trouble with PETA, but that's always good for business. No, PETA would love it. You want to get in trouble with PETA. What's more ethical than sticking your dick inside an animal? Yeah, whales live to moan. Exactly.

Whales need love, too, man. You wouldn't hurt the whale. That's the thing. Your tiny fucking little dick is not going to hurt a whale. No, no, no. Unless you put it in the side. That whale ain't feeling it. Yeah.

That whale's not feeling it. That whale would just appreciate my company, man. You know how lonely whales are? Swimming in that dark-ass ocean. Alone. You know what? Around them there. Getting fucking sweatshirts.

Kevin's going to be there, though. He'll get you some crotchless scuba gear. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fucking dog. I can't get it hard down here. Well, you've got to rub it harder. I can't get it hard down here. Well, you've got to rub it harder.

If any listener out there would like to draw some crotchless scuba gear. Yeah. Oh, that's going to be great. DaveGovanyRadio at gmail.com. That's perfect. Kissel? Guinness Book of World Records. I fucking had an idea. You've known about this for like two and a half hours. Lane, go to Lane. had an idea. Um,

you've known about this for like two and a half hours. Lane, go to Lane. Go to Lane. Oh, wait. It's on to you, Lane. No, no. Get this book of world, most, I would say the most,

I would like to, um, what's a funny thing to do? I'm serious. What's a funny thing to like, Ben, what's a funny thing to do? Don't you dare bring him into this.

Ben has the best... He's not allowed to help you. No, don't help me. Ben, you're going to help me from here on out. You can't help him. You're too good for this, Ben. Don't look at him. Put your head down.

You're above all of us. It doesn't matter. Oh, Ben. That's a fucking great idea, Ben. You're fucking so smart. I would say I would like to eat. I was watching a commercial for Golden Corral, and they have caramel, and they have a bunch of chocolate fountains and stuff,

and I want to do something with the – maybe put my nuts in the chocolate fountain, and then I want to have the most amount of people to put strawberries and marshmallows into the chocolate, but it would be nut chocolate and my nuts in the chocolate fountain and then i want to have the most amount of people to like eat put like strawberries and like marshmallows into the chocolate but it would be like nut chocolate and my nuts and so then i will have multiple people do that and i'll set the world record for having the putting my nuts in chocolate fountains and having people dip marshmallows in them the most oh that's an idea yeah right that's an actual idea and that's ben's idea so if you didn't like it, that's all the sound engineer. People wonder why he doesn't get a mic, you know? That's a fucking idiot, right?

God damn, isn't he a hack? It's almost like he doesn't try, you know? All right, Lane, you're up. Guinness Book of World Records? Okay. It's tough, right? All these segments are always very difficult.

Quick Sand Pit that's killed the most people. Wow. I like that. I feel like Quick Sand hasn't gotten its just due. Yeah. It's like trying real hard.

As a kid, it would come up. As a kid, it was a little bit real popular. We were far too scared. It was because of Never Ending Story. So many people in Super Mario 3 I'm telling you, I can't. It was a scary. Can we always. We were far too scary. It was because the never ending story. So many people in Super Mario 3.

Yep. I'm telling you. And in real life. How are you going to lure lure people to your quicksand pit? Oh, how would I lure? I don't know. How do you put like a mobile station? How about we put that that dope ass chocolate nut fountain on the other side?

Working together lane. Brilliant. How about we put that dope-ass chocolate nut fountain on the other side? We're working together, Lane. Brilliant. We'll share the win when we... Well, I mean, we're not going to get it. All right, Andrew, what do you got? Okay, actually, I was waiting. I wanted to talk to Marcus about this. I just got a letter in the mail from Marcus.

My submission was denied, apparently. Yeah, I mean... I didn't have the most pathetic third date story in the history of mankind. Yeah! You said I didn't just lose to Ben. Ben also beat someone who brought someone to their dad's funeral. Who brought someone to protest soldiers' funerals, which I thought was surprising. Oh, what's that? What's that, Ben?

Oh, you think Andrew Short's really mean? Yeah, I think he is, too. What was the other one that he beat? I can't remember. And then the last one, the third one, was this guy who, after a third date, bought this woman some jewelry and a sweatshirt, never called her back,

and he just wore her as a sweatshirt. That was the... All right, well, you know, we can all have our jokes. It's always fun because it's not real. You know, it didn't actually happen. Jackie.

All right, it's going to be, it's going to be called the longest Texas chain of bones. And basically, which also, it's going to be following

the, it's going to be only the Zebrowski family eating meat from local places in Texas. And they stack the bones from, like, tip to tip to go all the way across Texas by hitting different local places to eat their meat. So you support them. You raise the economy. People are cheering you on. We're, like, out in the outbacks. We're just fucking sleeping in tents. I like it. So we're going El Paso to Texarkana here. Yes, sir. I think nuts in the chocolate fountain is the best. I really do.

I'm saying that. All right. Well, I mean, I think I can make a lot of money for Guinness here. My investment is going to actually pay off. I like it. I like it. This is going to make me money. Ed Larson for the steal.

How is it going to make you money? It just is. What I'm going for is we're going to do World's Largest Froggy Holocaust. Froggy Holocaust. Yeah, we're going to... Oh, also playing to the top. I like that a lot, man. So what we're going to do is we're going to...

Because you've got to be celebrity endorsed, so I'm going to hire the gecko lizard, and we're going to dress him up like Adolf Hitler, and I'm going to get the crocodile hunter's daughter to dress up like Mussolini. Oh, that's fine. That's nice. You will do it, yeah. Yeah, and Jackie Chan's going to be Japanese.

You got to involve him. He's Chinese. You can't play Japanese. Yeah, and then they're going to get together, and they're just going to get a bunch of frogs, put them in a big empty swimming pool, above ground swimming pool, and just jump in and stomp them all to death. How is he going to make money off of this?

Well, people who don't like frogs are going to tune in. It's a big community. We're playing with a big community of people who hate frogs and are scared of frogs. My friend Lisi and Liao, she's scared of frogs. That's the thing. You put it in an arena. Yeah, me too. You put the pool in an arena too. You sell ticketsiseanne Liao, she's scared of frogs. That's the thing, you put it in an arena. Yeah, me too.

You put the pool in an arena too. You sell tickets. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're talking Madison Square Garden. Instead of filling up the ice where the Rangers play

with ice, fill it with frogs. Wow. Everyone gets BB guns. You just start shooting from the seats. Now you get BB guns. Wow.

And everyone's shooting and killing frogs. Kevin, why do you eat the Geico lizards just having the time of his life? Let me ask you that. The Geico lizard's just having the time of his life. Let me ask you this. Burning books outside. Little frog books.

The Time Warner box. Yeah, like the Princess and the Frog. We just burn all of them. Now, Ed, Ed, are you saying to me right now that there are no monkeys involved in this situation? No, no, no, no monkeys at all. We don't need monkeys for this. Although, if you wanted to bring a monkey, I bet a monkey could really rip a frog to pieces. No, no, no. No monkeys at all. We don't need monkeys for this. Although, if you wanted to bring a monkey,

I bet a monkey could really rip a frog to pieces. Oh, yeah. So if you want to bring a monkey, that's fine. I'm sure Hitler liked monkeys. Right? Everyone likes monkeys. Everyone likes monkeys, yeah. They're the greatest animals on Earth.

Yeah, so let's, yeah. So orangutans. We'll bring an orangutan. Okay. Yeah, you imagine how far an orangutan could throw a bullfrog? Oh, my God. Holy Lord.

He's a real Sandy Koufax. I love everything about this. Yeah, winner for single event is definitely Froggy Holocaust. Bullfrog. However, the Guinness Empire is very far-reaching. For our new TV show, we're doing Longest Texas Chain of Phones. Longest, I disagree with that. Hey, hey, hey.

You know what? You know what? Don't give it to me. Because I don't want it. Because I don't want to do it. I was going to bring you in for my restaurant chain and I was going to bring in

your nut fountain for my restaurant chain. And this is thousands of restaurants across the country. Well, I would like to have... Can I get you back? This is all across the country. Can I get you back? Marcus, can I get you back? You, my friend, got a sweatshirt coming. You got a sweatshirt coming.

Every sweatshirt coming. You got a hard necklace and a sweatshirt coming. And we're going to have a nut fountain in every single Monkey Island restaurant in the United States. There you go. Wait, not one picture of me fucking whales?

I mean, I'll get it. Think about it. Okay, how's about this? I feel like every Yelp review, if you did have that, would just simply be the word majestic. Kevin, how's about this? I'll give you a day on my yacht. Oh, I'll take that shit. I can fuck all types of whales.

Yeah, that's true Alright Alright well that is The round table of four I just want to live in this world Oh man Groucho scuba pants It's brilliant Women

For days That's Jackie and Ed And Holden Step on a frog tonight Kisses for Kissel At Cave Comedy Radio Yeah Kisses for Kissel

Thank you Holden He's not gonna to get any responses. Yeah, I know. It's really quite tragic and sad. I know a lot of people like me. I have a great voice and a wonderful personality. I'm tall and big, large. Yeah, but your skin's dying.

Well, right now it is, but it'll come back. You just got to brush them with a hard brush. Get the scales off of them. Yeah, yeah. No, I'm much more attractive than people give me credit for. That's Kevin, and then that's I'm Ben. And then Andrew Short was here. And Lane. Thanks a lot.

Thank you so much for being here. Thank you so much. And Lane, this is your first time ever being here. Yeah, yeah. So you'll have to come back and do it again. I will. And you're a dreamboat. So check him out.

Whoa. Okay. That's nice. Well, I guess all you are. Man, I always like ending them in silence. Yeah. Well, we are