The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 173: Braulio Refugio Live

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

On this live episode of the Round Table: a suspected bomb turns out to be a burrito, a prostitute is arrested after she tries to take her child to work with her, and a melee in a Wisconsin supermarket turns into a sexy food fight. Joining us live: Henry Zebrowski, Amber Nelson, Katy Frame, and Adam Newman!

The Roundtable. Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds. Lay down, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the Roundtable. What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen.

Always civility. Civility. Check it out. I think Jackie's on prayer. All right, I'm on prayer. I'm on prayer. It's fucking Thanksgiving week, everybody. Happy fucking Thanksgiving. I just want to fucking pray to White

Jesus today. Thank you, White Jesus. Thank you so much for letting us fucking come in here and just fucking hack at those rattlesnake fucking pieces of shit. Blonde hair, blue eyed Jesus. Hack at them, hack down their trees.

Build fucking houses like real fucking humans should do. White people in this Jesus. White people know how to fucking do it. What are you talking about? I also, I want to give I don't even know if that's true. We can't lie. White people have achieved a lot.

I want to give thanks that I realized that my underpants were on backwards for the first three hours of my work day today. And that my clit had not gotten smaller and my ass had not gotten larger, which I appreciate. That's disgusting. I don't know if it's possible. Also, I want to say thank you, fucking white piece of shit Jesus. Why is he a piece of shit? Oh! Lazy, lazy, hippie Jesus.

That I was not nominated for the fucking round table of the year this year, man. Fuck the round table of the year. Whoa, whoa, relax, relax. I can't be here tonight because he's on Saturday night live It is an honor to be nominated Yeah go fuck yourself Fuck the committee Fuck everyone in the public

Except for you guys I fucking love you guys Very nice Is that the prayer? Go fuck yourself Jesus Alright well welcome to the round table of gentlemen everybody Thank you guys so much for coming out This is gonna be a good time. Hip, hip.

Yeah, usually we do sort of sit in a round table type fashion, but now it's more of like a line table of gentlemen. So let's just go down the list and see who's here. Let's announce names and shit because no one knows who we are. Jackie Zerowski is here. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. Gobble, gobble, gobble. Gobble, gobble, gobble. Gobble, gobble, gobble.

Gobble, gobble, turkeys. Round table of turkeys. What is wrong with you? Yeah, what happened? How many tequila shots? How many tequilas? We start 45 minutes late. Jackie's been railing Molly ever since we got up here.

Ahmed. Ahmed Larson. I still do heroin. That's good. I don't die. Yes. Kevin Barnett, drug free for three weeks. Congratulations, Kevin.

That's great. Got that chip. I'm Holden McNeely, future Roundtable of the Year nominee, 2014. I'm starting the campaign now. Vote. Put your votes out. I mean, it's not. 2014.

You almost got it this year, man. You were so close. You said that to me. You were so close. You said that to me. You were also close. You also said the same thing to me. I was lying to you. I know, because I can tell when you're lying because your skin turns green. That's funny.

Good one, Henry. Yeah, that was funny. No, it doesn't matter. It's all a sham. Holden, you know what? You're my round tabler of the year. Thanks, man. You were your close second.

That's my round tabler of the year. Oh, okay. You made me here. If I was voting, I would vote for you for round table of the year as well. I would vote for Che. All right. I'm Ben Kissel. And then with us, as always, we have the newsman, Marcus Parks.

Marcus, what's the first story of the day? An Oklahoma City police briefing station was brought to a standstill on Thursday after a man arrived with a suspicious package. The resident arrived at the Santa Fe office with a thermos-like container. He told police he had the container on his front lawn, and when he noticed tinfoil protruding from the lid, he became worried. It was also quite heavy when he picked it up. protruding from the lid. He became worried. It was also quite heavy when he picked it up.

According to police captain Dexter Nelson, the officers who dealt with the situation treated it as seriously as they would have any other threat. They told the man

to leave the container outside. They then called the bomb squad. The bomb squad arrived and performed an x-ray of the item. However, a routine examination of the thermos

determined that it held a burrito. Burrito in a thermos. It's a burrito in a thermos. It's a burrito in a thermos. It's just his dream come true. I love Santa Fe. Osama bin Rodriguez. Ah, yes. He's back.

He's back on fire. He's a brown table of the year 2014. I'll take it. Not bad. 2014 is a long way away. We don't know what's going to happen between now and then. I'm going to lose and gain another 50 pounds. I'm going to show everybody my tenacity, how I can change it.

Yeah, I can't jump from the free throw line anymore, but I can do the fadeaway. That's brilliant. That's brilliant. I want this to be a missing scene in that. What's that one Bomb Squad movie that chick made with Jake Gyllenhaal and shit? Remember that name of that movie? Hurt Locker. Hurt Locker.

I wish this was a deleted scene from Hurt Locker where they fucking got all dressed up and shit. They're like, ah, falafel. Ah, it's a falafel. It was a falafel in a lunchbox. Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, it's a good day. Actually, kind of a good day. I never thought to put a burrito in a thermos.

It's actually a great idea. It makes total sense. Yeah. I suppose it's a good idea. It keeps it warmer. I feel like it changes my life. You learned it in the Mexican Boy Scouts. Henry, in the Mexican Boy Scouts? Yeah, that's what you learned. Did you have any experiences with the Mexican Boy Scouts. Henry, in the Mexican Boy Scouts?

Did you have any experiences with the Mexican Boy Scouts? Only stealing them burritos. I hung out in the bushes. They thought it was bushes. It was just really thin cacti. What would a man do with 30 canisters of burritos? You'd sell them back to the cartels. Oh, is that what this whole drug war is about?

The burrito war that no one's talking about. We need to get Vice Magazine on this. It's huge. The casualty rates are through the roof. What's happening with this guy? Is it illegal that he called in the cops over there? There's a picture of the burrito. There's a picture? Well, there's a picture of a burrito, not the burrito.

Oh, it's not the suspected burrito? Well, the sheriff said that a serious lesson can be taken from this. I mean, really? A serious lesson? How bored is this

fucking bomb squad? He said that in the case of people finding suspicious materials, they should leave it where it is and report the matter to police. Oh, here he is.

Still? Huh? I mean, sniff it. Like, have your dog sniff it. And then if he does his burrito bark, yeah, it's a burrito. They did say that the burrito was very spicy. Oh, I see.

So that can be dangerous. That can be dangerous. That's your omnipresence. It's just so sad nobody ate it. I'm sure that somebody ate it. Holden, would you eat this burrito? That's the baddest sentence I've ever heard you say. Hold on.

That's the thing. We have a very large chuckle out. Of course, we're live this week. Dan, you said something. What was that? You said that was funny? Oh, God, nothing. Perfect.

Perfect. I don't so much. Let me guess. Your favorite guy is Ben. Danny said yes. Dan said yes. Of course it is. Good answer.

I'm right in front of you and huge. I don't so much eat burritos. I treat them like Tootsie Roll Pop. I lick the outer shell until I get to the center. Okay, so Holden, how many licks does it take you to get to the center of a burrito? 517.

Oh, right. I feel like that's an actual number. You've done this. Absolutely. Yeah. What's your favorite feeling for a burrito? Once you hit the tongue, you're like, I'm at the chicken. Pussy juice. You get the pussy juice burrito. He's super straight.

I get to squeeze it out in the back. Get a lovely senorita to squeeze some out in the back. Oh, me dry because me daddy die. Oh, that's sad. Was that Asian, British, or Spanish? It doesn't matter. There were multiple accents going on just then.

Why did the burrito woman's father die, Henry? Well, she was sad, so her pussy juice dried up. Well, I know. I'm just, it happens. You made everyone sad. Yeah, everyone's super sad right now. When all your chairs are covered in sand, your pussy might be trying. I don't even know what that means, all your chairs are covered in sand.

Mexico's very dusty. I don't think it's that dusty. It's pretty dusty, I don't know. I just think you're basing this off of Looney Tunes cartoons. Yeah, dude. That's the problem. And secondly, dust and sand are two completely different things. Yeah.

Dust is smaller sand? Yeah. Dust is smaller sand? Yeah, dust is smaller sand. Cuter, smaller sand. Isn't dust like human sand? Because dust is mostly nail clippings and hair follicles. Yeah, hair follicles and skin. Yeah, I suppose it is sort of human sand. Just being a scientist.

Yeah. Self-proclaimed scientist Henry Zebrowski. I think you really cracked it there, though. I feel good. Kevin, what kind of food do you want to find

in this fucking thermos? What kind of food? I want to find a thermos. Yeah, do you have to open up a thermos? Other than burritos? Yeah, because a burrito is a pretty perfect fucking find.

Fucking lasagna, man. Ooh, lasagna in a thermos. An old tubed lasagna. My favorite meal. Yeah, dude, that's that Jamaican lasagna, man. It's real shit. What does that consist of? Oh, it's like regular lasagna in a thermos. An old tubed lasagna, my favorite meal. Yeah, dude, that's that Jamaican lasagna, man. It's real shit. What does that consist of? Oh, it's like regular lasagna, but you eat it in Jamaica.

I love Jamaican hamburgers as well. Jamaican hot dogs. Anything else with this story, Marcus? Oh, no, nothing at all. Nothing at all. But we don't know if they ate the burrito. No. So we hope that somebody did out there. Somebody ate that burrito. Somebody in the bomb

squad was like, this is a totally good burrito. I can just imagine you guys trying to eat a burrito out of a thermos. It would be the most fucking disgusting thing. Oh, my God. I can't get it out. Henry, Marcus just licks it like he licks his fleshlight every night.

Just, I want to get in there. Yeah, I want to. I put little, I put, he fucking dips his tongue in paint to see how deep he can go. Oh, I almost got to, like, the anus of the fleshlight. That's not bad, Marcus. Yeah, Marcus, you still have that fleshlight? Yeah. You still use that fleshlight?

I mean, on occasion. Okay. He does, by the way, and he does not clean it regularly. Well, Kissel, neither do you. I mean, I used to not,

but now I do. Well, you have a girlfriend now, so you're nice. The weird thing about a fleshlight is that it ages like a human vagina as well.

Right, right, right, right. Then yells at you, go to work, get out of me. It's like, okay, I didn't even fucking know you had a voice. My fleshlight's pregnant.

Oh, shit. Yeah, throw it down the stairs. A whole bunch of tiny little dildos come out and run away. Oh, no. Well, now we have an infestation of those. That's not good. I suppose if you're really poor and can't afford a fleshlight, a burrito and a thermos could probably suffice.

You could just kind of fuck that. Maybe that's what happened. This guy just didn't want to admit that he's been, a burrito in a thermos could probably suffice. You could just kind of fuck that. Maybe that's what happened. This guy just didn't want to admit that he's been fucking this burrito, and then he watches the Bomb Squad guy eating it, and he's like, oh, I love the fucking, what is this special sauce? There is a dick-sized hole in this burrito. That's kind of weird. I'm going to eat it, but...

You leave my girlfriend alone. Becky, the burrito. That's going to be a dope infomercial. Tie to fucking cold burritos. Hot burritos. Microwaves, coming to you at 2015. Nice. I cuddled with a girl for a while one night,

and I said she was in a Benrito, which is kind of fun. That's disgusting. She loved it. Loved it there. Well, because she had to love it because you had her imprisoned with your body. Yeah, yeah. No, she didn't compare me to Lenny because of Mice and Men, but she did say she felt like a rabbit. I got to say, Ben did not come home last night.

I was there because I live with him. He got some feisty times last evening. Oh, yeah. He's more of an angelana. You know, he just covers her in sauce. Mole, mole.

No? Yep, yep. All right. Becky the Old Buffet. Disgusting. All right, Marcus, let's move on to another fun news story.

17-year-old Emily reportedly had just one eye and has suffered from cancer multiple times. God, I'm in love with her. You like her? Is this her OKCupid profile? She's got an expiration date. Oh, I see. You want her for her money. Yeah, he likes anybody who reminds him of his mayonnaise. Oh, that's right. Some of her so-called religious classmates are allegedly less than understanding of her condition,

calling her, quote, a slap in the face to God. Yeah. What? God didn't like her. God gave her cancer. I don't know. Are they Catholics? Fellow students have told Emily that God wanted her to die, and that's why her cancer kept returning.

Jesus. And they say bullions got out of control, you know? Yeah, I disprove that. I do not believe God wants me to live. So, yeah, and I haven't had a lick of cancer. Not a lick of it. You could go get some of those checked out by a doctor. Cancer's fucking disgusted by you.

Yeah, exactly. I heard that your mother's egg was so disgusted by the sperm that was going in it that it almost didn't happen, but it was just so big and long. That's the thing. The sperm apparently looked more like a snake than an actual sperm. Right. It just stopped outside. And then the egg was just too hammered to resist.

Yeah. Oh, it had to be fucking trashed. It was at the fucking eggs bar doing eggs brunch shit. Fucking got wasted off of Bloody Marys and then your sperm just like went outside of it and didn't even try to go in.

You just screamed and screamed. Stop making me hard. All right. Let me in. I actually feel at the same time, just because you have one eye in cancer doesn't mean like God wants you dead.

I feel like if you were also like attacked by birds and then hit by a car. Sure. There's got to be nine other wacky things that has to happen i mean it is it is not like she didn't exactly pull the long straw here in the fucking in the in the in the overall game of life well what does she look like i'm trying i'm trying to find a picture of her right now she's underage they can't. They can't even give her her last name. Well, she does have a Tumblr called One-Eyed Wonder. I mean, fuck this, Chase. She's trying to capitalize.

I mean, I'm trolling through One-Eyed Wonder right now, so just give me time. All right, we'll get some nice little tidbits. I feel like at this point, lose the religion, right? Yeah.

Don't fucking do heroin. Fuck whoever you want. Everyone just squirt in your bad eye, and then it's fine. I have two eyes and haven't believed in God since I was ten. Hear, hear. And at a certain point, if it's like if God is trying to kill you

and all you have is one eye and cancer, it's like you're stronger than God. That's a good point. You can't kill me yet, God. I got half a fucking piece. I got half a vision. And I'm only going to lose one of these legs to this disgusting disgusting crippling disease

that is really affecting a lot of Americans. And we need to talk about it. This is a cancer awareness thing. She's deleted her Tumblr, unfortunately. What does she have? Just brain cancer, eye cancer. She has brain cancer and eye cancer? I didn't know it was cancer.

No, no, no, it's not brain cancer. It's cancer of the retina. Just take it out.. Oh, no, no, no. It's not brain cancer. It's cancer of the retina. Oh. I think that her... Just take it out. I mean, they did. That's why she's the one I wanted. But it's back. Yeah, but they got to take the other eye out then, right?

Or is it the old hole is infected? I don't know. I don't know, Dr. Red. Yeah, I don't have her chart in front of me. I'm not a doctor. I want to be an informed parent. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

That's why you always got to stuff it full of cork or something. She's fine. Yeah, that's my girl. That's my little baby. One-eye cancer wonder. God does hate her. Love her. She's part of the – I mean, her Tumblr has since been deleted,

but from what this story says, she did have a picture of her wearing an eye patch, and it read, I'm so proud of myself. I have no depth perception and I've taught myself to play volleyball. Oh, that's great. Is it volleyball when you just hit a ball against the wall to yourself? Yeah, exactly. You taught yourself.

That means you're playing it alone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're playing doubles. You're like, I got everything to the left. Yeah, I don't know if you can. Maybe she's really fast and, like, puts the ball real high up in the air with her bumps and then spikes it. I guess either way she's really great at offense or terrible at defense. Either way.

I think that her classmates might be on to something. Yeah, that's the thing, man. It's just like. I really. What is she doing at school? Trying to learn, Ed. You could not have one eye and be in school. It's not like you have no knees and everyone

calls you spaghetti legs. Well, that's a fine time. She's just going to get raped to death in the locker room. She's not going to get raped to death in the locker room, Jackie. That's not so far for the truth. Jackie, these are good Christian children.

Exactly. Well, it is Thanksgiving, Jackie. You had to squeeze a rape joke in there. I don't even know if it was a joke. It was more of just a fucking... Everyone laughed, right, everyone? Yeah. Sure.

That's enough for them. That's great. So she's doing wonderful then. Oh, yeah. She's happy with life. She says, I've kicked cancer's ass twice and I'm going for a third. She's asking for more cancer?

I can honestly say this chick's goals are horrible. Yeah, I mean, that's the thing. Well, the one thing about her, she's pretty flirty because she's always like winking at you. Ah, yeah, with the whole eye? Yeah, yeah, she's like, I got my eye on you and she pops out her eye and, you know, they run screaming. I think she winked at me.

No, she's sleeping. Yeah. I mean, I guess she can't sleep with one eye open, I suppose. Or she could, I guess. It would have to be her dead eye. There's a lot of questions I would have for this woman. Yeah, do you still close it even though there's no eyeball in there? Marcus, you probably know the answer. There's a lot of questions I would have for this woman. Yeah, do you still close it even though there's

no eyeball in there? Marcus, you probably know the answer. It's permanently closed. You have to tape it closed. You don't tape it closed. Yeah, because you keep shooting up because

an empty eye socket will just go like It gets a tongue and it makes noises. Yeah, I think I'd put a little tiny baby snake in my eye socket. So I open my eyes and a little snake would pop out.

I would put teeth in there. Put little teeth in the eye. Oh, he has his father's eyes. Oh, isn't that nice? Snake eyes. Hold him, McNeely. Literally the snake in his eye. Absolutely.

Snake's in his eye. Marcus, my tongue stopped working. Oh, hey. How you doing? I'm good, buddy. So anything else with this story? Do we know she's going to have a third bout of cancer? God hates her.

No, I mean, we pretty much went through that. Right now, I'm trying to find out what happens to an empty eye socket. And, of course, I went to Yahoo Answers. Okay. Very good. Can you stick a finger in it? Let's see here. The best answer is when an eye is removed and no artificial eye is provided,

the eyelids would have been sewed together to seal the wound. So it's just a wound. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just a wound. They fill it with caulking. With what? With caulking? It's not bad.

Put a little flashlight in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got to get in there. It's not bad. Some newspaper and spackle will be fine. Just kind of treat it like a little locket.

Put a picture of your mother in there or something like that. Change it all around. Like a time capsule. Yeah, a little. Yeah. A brain capsule. Yeah.

Now don't open this eye until 2025. I literally cannot. Oh, I can't wait. Hold the hammer. Oh, look at that. Look at all these old pictures. I see, Mama, when we get to open the time capsule.

As soon as your sister dies from cancer. Oh, don't let her know that she has it, though. God never wanted her, much like her father. She's got cancer three times. God hates her. It is. I mean, God does kind of hate her. Are you saying God hated John Wayne?

I mean, he didn't do anything to make God happy. That's a good point. What are you talking about? Come on. God loves the searchers to make God happy. That's a good point. What are you talking about? Come on, God loves the searchers. That's true. That's true. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

You offended. I don't know who you offended. You upset everyone. Sorry, I did White Jesus wrong. I'm sorry, White Jesus. I'll bring you some white bread on Tuesday. Who do you think put John Wayne in power? White Jesus.

Oh, I thought it was like LBJ. Oh, yeah. Why, Jesus. Oh, I thought it was like LBJ. Oh, yeah. The communists. He killed JFK and then he made John Wayne somebody good. Don't get me started. I'm sorry.

Don't look over there. It's the last podcast. We're talking no conspiracy theories. All right, Marcus. Let's move on to another feel-good story. A single vehicle wreck

on Interstate 270 in Missouri that caused a massive traffic jam Wednesday morning was the result of fireworks being shot off inside the car. That's not bad. I like that. And the driver is accused of being

under the influence of prescription medication as well. Oh, okay. Couldn't possibly be. Did somebody light him on fire in there? Did the sun do it? Probably just flicked a cigarette back there because he was so hammered. This is Missouri. Well, apparently every year, this is what one of the police officers says,

every year we get those calls of people shooting fireworks outside their vehicle. They light them and throw the bottle rockets out. I don't know if that's the situation here. Fuck yeah. Just so you know, they don't know the situation because all the people in the car are still in a coma. Oh, that's a real Fourth of July car. They're all in a coma? Oh, yeah.

They were very, very seriously injured. At least they weren't all smashed together. That's not so bad. That's a good point. Yeah, they were just melted together. Yeah. Yeah, I think somebody forgot that the window was up. You know?

I feel like they thought the window was rolled down. They were going to shoot me out there. God damn it, Marie. I can't see these fucking maps. Somebody, like one of these fireworks yeah that's a good idea that's not a bad idea at all what a way to go so they crashed the car after the fireworks went off i assume yeah it was uh the mother cara coriath 43 and her two sons andrew drestle and matthew drestle they were 16 and 13 oh the 13 yearyear-old did it. And it was a single-vehicle accident, so they didn't kill anybody else.

Oh, that's very, very nice. So it's a mother and her two kids. And they're in a coma. It's a real good story. They're in a coma. They did it to themselves. Oh, I don't care about these people. They're dumb.

I'd love it if we started shooting off fireworks for Thanksgiving. You just always want that. Thanksgiving, like, deserves fireworks. That sounds amazing. I think always want that. Thanksgiving deserves fireworks. That sounds amazing. I think it's great. We should start throwing frozen turkeys off the tops of buildings. And then shooting them with shotguns.

Yeah! Set them on fire! Just when people thought Ed was really dumb, and then with the turkey and the shotgun idea, everyone was just like, no, I was right. I'm always saving myself. Yeah, it was brilliant. Yeah, shooting frozen turkeys with a shotgun sounds like a wonderful thing to do on

Thanksgiving. I fucking love the idea. I'd rather shoot live turkeys, man. You want to shoot a live turkey, but you can't shoot it with a shotgun. Or a goose. Oh, man. You try to shoot a goose. So you can see the look in its eye. Well, no, I mean, it'd be underwater.

Oh, we can take you down to Texas. You can shoot as many turkeys as you want down there. Thank you, Marcus. It's because they're an epidemic there. They're taking people's jobs. They're fucking with the police. I mean, that's the major problem. It's really easy to work at a Texas CVS.

All you got to do is know the price of chewing tobacco and throw beef jerky at people. It's pretty simple. We got both kinds of food, tobacco and jerky at people. It's pretty simple. We got both kinds of food. Tobacco and jerky. Now, if you put the jerky in your lip, you can always treat it like tobacco, which is kind of fun if you're out of tobacco.

That's kind of funny. It's like chocolate that poisons you. Oh, I love that chocolate. Texas chocolate. It's just a rock. Did you ever throw in a dip, Ben? Oh, I used to dip I'm from Stevens Point, Wisconsin, man

Dipping was the thing to do Yeah, dude, I did I used to throw up doing it, though It's fucking disgusting It is disgusting Nasty It just makes me so sick It's gross

Oh, big sips are the most disgusting thing in the world Oh, well, I'm so sorry I'm fucking less classy You are Than fucking shoot shot frozen fucking turkey. I was joking. That's cool. No, chewing was a great thing to do.

We used to do it in class all the time. You got it, which was a fucking man thing to do. Some guy came into the restaurant the other day chewing tobacco. I made him go outside. Oh, that's a good thing to do. I was like, yeah, yeah. Oh, spit in a bottle. Everyone's trying to eat a cheesesteak.

The fuck? Who wants that? Go outside with fucking homeless. Yeah, some woman goes like, ooh, look, they have au jus. And she takes the bottle and pours it all over her. What kind of French dip is this? No, that's a Texas dip right there. Texas cheesesteak.

We got one of our best chefs spitting on it right now, so it'll be right out. All the spit cups that I've drank in my life. You drank a bunch of spit cups? Oh, yeah. Absolutely. You'll be at a party, and a bunch of guys are out dipping, and they'll just pick up a can and spit in it,

and it'll be the beer that you're drinking at the time. So you just get a big go at that. That's such a funny joke. It is. It's like taking a woman and just, like, tying her up to a tree in the middle of the woods and, like, leaving her there. Kevin, as far as tobacco products go, Kevin, I mean, I just have to go with you for this. Do black people ever fucking chew tobacco? I just realized.

I don't think I've ever heard of it. Jordan says they do. Oh, we have Jordan Temple is here as well. Jordan knows far more black people than I do. Yeah. Hey, Henry, give Jordan the microphone, because I want to know, because I've never seen it represented in the media,

and if you know a black dude who's done it, we need to get some representation out there. I'm that black dude. You too, Jordan Temple? You too, Jordan Temple? I was on a community college baseball team. Oh, you have to. Humble brag.

And when I was in Syracuse and I had pouches and also the regular kind of chewing tobacco. That's right. You can't do that pouches stuff. Pouches shit is pussy. That's right. You got to chew the real shit, you know, the lemon flavor and then spit it in the cup. And then like leave it on the basketball floor because, you know, it's too cold outside and the coach will get upset when the ball rolls and knocks it all over so that was incredibly specific instructions

yeah that was extremely i love how it's still like had to have basketball involved yeah i mean that's the thing that's the only way black people go that's the thing's the thing. You can't chew and play basketball. Can you imagine that if you took the chewing out of baseball and put it into basketball? Oh, man. Everyone's just spitting on the fucking free throw line. You're like basketball, but with juice and like fucking... Oh, man. I thought you said, but with juice.

I didn't expect that. I was like, they can't do that. Thank you so much. We're breaking stereotypes. That's what this is all about. It's always about breaking stereotypes. He said juice. It doesn't matter.

He said juice. Yes, of course. Wait, you had a problem with the juice? No, just juice. Juice. It gives me, I get the ashna, and it's the acid. Yeah, give him the omniprazole. Get them that omniprozole.

He'll be fine. Ben, what you been up to being Jewish lately? Dude, I'll tell you one thing, man. For those of you who don't know, Ben just found out a few weeks ago that he is half Jew or a quarter Jewish. Quarter Jewish, but I'll tell you. I knew I liked you for a reason. That's right. The grandfather that he thought was a Nazi is actually Jewish.

Well, his grandfather did not change the fact that his grandfather was a Nazi. Well, it does, though. It does, though. That makes him the worst Nazi. No, it makes him the best Jew. What are you talking about? It also makes him the worst Jew. How does it make him the worst Jew?

Because he killed the other Jews. Oh, I'm so sorry that he had a competitive spirit. No. What I am saying is, no, no. He was,

he was on the, he was in the Navy. He was in the Navy. Yeah, he was killing Jews on boats. Throwing Jews off of boats. Is it like Spongebob fucking, you know fucking Jew pants?

Is there some sort of Auschwitz? That's a musical. Jew pants. Not Jew pants. Jew pants. And I can't believe that the sales lasted for eight days. Don't bastardize my people. I just put a bunch of Jews stuff together.

No. But no, women are really enjoying it. They like it. They like it very, very much. Thank you for asking, Holden. Have you used it yet as a pickup line? Yes. Yes, I have.

I get it. It would work so well with Jewish girls to be like, oh, wow, he doesn't look Jewish at all. I know. And then you just throw it at him. Exactly. And then, you know, I mean, it's a reveal. You know, about the third date or so.

It makes you less threatening. I'm on top of a guard tower in the middle of Auschwitz, you know? Yes, attempting to save all of my people, because I'm a good man. Fancy all the cheese, girl. We've had so much cheese in the storage. You see Kissel over there? Private Kissel. They actually had a bunch of food for all the Jews,

but I just ate it all. I caused the Holocaust on accident because I was just super stoned. If we do not find the cheese, we will all starve to death. Oh, is this cheese for somebody? Oh, shit. I just squeezed it into my mouth. Got it real hot.

See, kids are just sucking on a cow's udders yeah in Snowfield that is our last cow please don't deplete him of his milk yeah yeah

love this one oh it's like a soda dispenser what alright I'll just go back to being the guard tower cause he's so big. So big.

I'm not going to. Well, all right, Ed. He's too big. He's too big. All right. He's too big. He's too big. Interesting.

Yeah, the first time I met him, I wanted to hang a German flag from the side of him. Thinking he was a Pole. Oh. Hey, now. was a pole. Ha ha! Ho! Hey now! Hey now! I was just thinking that whole time everybody was doing German accents, I wanted to attempt one, but my black lips won't allow it.

The Germans made it that way. That's why they specifically had the language sound that way. Yeah, yeah. Alright, Marcus, let's do another story. Two groups of women were involved in what Madison, Wisconsin police are calling a

melee near the meat counter at a Woodman's Food Market. I'm so proud of this story. Police said a dispute over money started in the store on Gammon Road on the afternoon of November 12th and led to fisticuffs when one woman pulled out pepper spray. Two women facing off with four others were woman pulled out pepper spray. Two women facing

off with four others were sprayed with the pepper spray. Officers said one combatant armed herself with a frozen turkey that was swung and tossed. There we go, Eddie. Fuck yeah, man. They're dangerous. They're gonna be taken out. I agree. Two women began exchanging punches.

A pallet holding eight large boxes of bacon was toppled. A 62-year-old man... Otherwise known as a Wisconsin avalanche. Hey! Oh, that was written about in the papers the next day. The Great Wisconsin Avalanche of 2013. We lost eight trays of bacon today.

A 62-year-old man who was on the phone with dispatchers told police he was struck in the head with a full container of yogurt. Henry, what is that 911 call? Hey, y'all, I don't know what to say, but there's just, all right, I saw four titties in the meat thing. They are just pulling their shirts off, and then they're using yogurts and missiles in there. I got to tell you, if you could give it a good ten minutes before you all show up, that'd be great, because I love watching it. That's not bad.

So when you say you saw four titties fight, that means two women. Yeah. Just wanted to clarify. Or one titty on four women. On four women, yeah. Well, that fantasy is not far off from the truth, as the two women punching each other

were fighting on the floor with the spilled yogurt and bacon. Man, I'm going to make that movie. Yeah, that is fucking hot. That is fucking hot. Every man in Wisconsin is jerking off to that tonight. They're being the next victims of a Ben Chilada.

Ben Chilada, everybody. I don't even get it. Yeah, it's just like, you know how many times I asked my wife to do that for me and she never does it voluntarily. She always says, oh, I just want to eat the bacon, eat the bacon,

not roll around in the bacon. See, the good thing about it, that yogurt keeps that bacon stuck to them. Ooh, yeah. Also, they're not fucking eating yogurt out there anyway. Might as well be all over some fucking slippery hot dog.

No, they use it as a base for casseroles. It is true. Yes. It is true. That is true. It needs to be like Requiem for a Wisconsin Dream. Instead of that ass-to-ass scene, just two chicks eating bacon. Just fucking rolling around. Sitting in yogurt together. Bacon to bacon.

Lady and the dump. You know what I loved? That was good. Lady and the dump. That's what you thought, then you said it. Lady and the dump. That's what you thought, and then you said it. Lady in the dump. We'll edit that out. We'll edit that out.

Oh, Marcus, that stays. Edit that out. Put a time stamp on that. It's live, Henry. We can't edit that out. We'll all edit that out personally. I like lady in the dump. Yeah, lady in the dump.

I mean, I'd see it. That's for sure. Yeah, well, you've done it. I hear at the end she takes a shit. Yeah, got to. Spoiler alert. Fucking things. And then they eat this shit.

Everybody's just eating that shit. I think John Waters has one more movie in him before I said it. It would be a great John Waters movie, Lady in the Dump. He could do it. He could pull it off. He could pull it off. He could pull it off. We could just leave it behind.

We can talk about this later, how much we love John Waters. Lady in the Dump! Lady in the Dump is good, though. We are going to make it work, buddy. I love this scene. Who came up with that? Kevin, who came up with Lady in the Dump? Was that you who said it, Kevin?

Honestly, I haven't been listening. Oh, that's good. That's about right. That's a good idea. Kevin, how much do you actually listen while we record? Dude, I zone out a lot, man. I'm thinking about Puerto Rican girls, all types of different butts. Giraffes.

Giraffes, especially. I feel like all we have to do is say the word is African gray, and then you're like right back with us. Dude, I'm trying to feel some parents and have them in my life right now, man. I love it. We got five dollars for that bird. Yeah, we got five bucks

for birds for Kevin. Yeah, we got five bucks at this point. Well, we got five pledged dollars. We don't have it in our cash. Oh, we haven't cashed

it in yet. Didn't it send it? They just said they would send it? They said they would send it. If we haven't sent it. Let's send someone to go collect.

Yeah, I mean, she lives in Brooklyn, so I mean, she lives in downtown Brooklyn,'t sent it. Let's send someone to go collect. I don't have a friend in the world. I mean, the girl, she lives in Brooklyn. So, I mean, she lives in downtown Brooklyn. So we could send someone in there. Let's go to her house. Yeah, let's go to her fucking house. Is she here? Yeah, it's Allison Yates.

Oh, Allison. Yeah, she's a big fan. No, she's not here. What the fuck? Is she here? What is the email address? What is the email address for Birds for Kevin? CaveComedyRadio at gmail.com.

If you would like to pledge money. I feel like we should just lock the door and make everyone in here give money for Bird Kevin. You guys got $5,000 between you? That's how much African Grey costs. That's the Bird Kevin wants. That's the Bird Kevin's going to get. I got high standards for birds. I agree.

And you should. And you should And you should That is a beautiful bird He's putting up pictures right now I mean come on everybody Look at this bird That's a really nice bird That's a gorgeous ass bird

Oh man Kevin what do you want to Kevin what do you want to say To that bird right now I mean I just feel like That bird could be my father It would be a beautiful father my father. He would be a beautiful father.

Majestic father. Imagine if it was fucking 70 pounds. How scary is that? Oh, yeah. No, thank God. I mean, who's... You'd be eating the fuck out of that. Yeah, that's what I think. Oh, my God.

It'd be sweet. How delicious that would be, just going at it, just hitting the head with a fucking hammer, chew on its legs. Oh, but it could tell you not to do it, just hitting the head with a fucking hammer. Chew on its legs. Oh, but it could tell you not to do it, though. No, no, no, no. I couldn't kill it. I couldn't kill anything that can talk. You know, I don't think we have enough respect for them talking birds.

That's pretty insane that birds can talk. They're not really talking. Well, they are. No, they're mimicking. They're just making noises. Well, what are we doing? We're talking. We're thinking about sentences and forming them. You're mimicking. They're just making noises. Well, what are we doing? We're talking. We're thinking about sentences and forming them.

You're thinking about sentences? Thousands of years of history, civilization has led to this point today. Right here. You're proving my point. Me think lot big about sentence fine. Goodbye. Goodbye. All right, Marcus.

What's another news story? We're done with this last one, right? With the Wisconsin girls Yeah, we're done, I was just trying to figure out what the biggest parrot in the world is 3.3 feet long Really not that big That's a big ass parrot, man Relatively, I mean, I was going for like a 70 pound

I mean, it's only like 3 kilograms Translate it How many pounds is it? Yeah, I don't know. How many pounds is it? Yeah, I don't speak fucking British. 2.2 pounds? Oh, 6.6. Do we have an intelligent audience?

Seven pound parrot. Seven pound parrot. A seven pound parrot. All right. That's fucking scary, man. You know, we're going to stay in Wisconsin for these stories. Imagine 30 of those

fucking things coming at you. Sure. Well, you imagine 30 of anything coming at you. You're just scared of parrots. Yeah. I'm scared of a bunch of big ones.

That's true. That'd be a fucking awesome superpower if you could just shoot parrots out of your head. That'd be awesome. Coming to get ya. Coming to get ya.

That'd be good for you because they'd just all be like cracker, cracker, cracker. Oh, yeah. That would work. Oh, that was... It's a little hacky, but I'll give it to you. That was great. That was great stuff. I like it. I like it. Kevin, you're fine with it? I was fine with it, yeah. That would work. It's a little hacky, but I'll give it to you.

That was great stuff. Kevin, you're fine with it? I was fine with it, man. We're going to stay in Wisconsin for the next story. A 57-year-old Sheboygan First Presbyterian Church elder was charged Thursday after allegedly stealing four cases of handbells from his church valued at $10,000 and then pawning them. What's a handbell? A handbell is a thing that makes you think that Jesus is real. Oh, I see.

It just hits you with the fucking handbell. Yeah, until you believe. I actually like this guy. The cases of bells weighed 40 pounds each. Church officials were contacted in November by a California man who purchased two cases of hand bells on eBay,

and upon delivery found labels attached to the bells barring the church's name. It's what those Spanish women use when they stomp on the boards. What do you mean the boards? Stomping on the boards? No, they play the bells during the songs. Stupid bells. Why would anyone steal those bells?

Because they're worth 10 grand. Yeah, they're worth a bunch of money. Who are you going to sell them to? Another church? That dumb motherfucker. Alter boys trying to make good with priests. That's right. Every time a bell rings, a priest gets a hard-on.

Yeah, we're a little light on stories this week. I like the bell story, though. Mia, that's where we went to the gay bar in Sheboygan together. Sheboygan, boing, boing. We went to our friend Adam Wurtz's wedding. Sam's here, the lovely Sam Wurtz. She got married to an ass. Yes, she did.

No, Adam is a fantastic director, and that was rude to say, although Sam is far superior when it comes to looks. That is true. But that's fine. That's way ruder. Why? No, why? No, every husband wants to admit their wife is more beautiful than them.

That's why we like women. My wife better be more attractive than me or I'm going to fucking kill myself. Good Lord, if you had a wife that was uglier than you, what are you marrying? Holy Christ. Do you take this lump of potatoes to be your fucking wife, Ed? Yeah, just two pigs. Alright, how what did she look like?

Old boar's head meat. Oh, shit. Expired bologna. Squeezed into a dress. Like George Washington plus 200 pounds. That's awesome. Holy Christ. Yeah, that would be bad.

Yeah, you got to marry. You're definitely going to marry someone prettier than you, Ed. There's no way around it. Lord knows. I could marry a dog. Well, not yet. Not if we don't let this legislation happen, which it's going to. It's a slippery slope.

It's already gone through. What? We should get married. We should start marrying off each other. We should just fuck it. Let's get insurance. Let's all get married. We should start marrying off each other. We should just fuck it. Let's get insurance. Let's all get married. Everyone married.

Who's marrying us, Ed? Every person. I don't care. We're monsters. No woman loves us. I'm a priest. I can marry people. Your parents' marriage died in a fucking flaming disaster.

What do you think? Random marriages would work. Yeah. No, no. They're not real. Oh, I see. Yeah, no, no. They're not real. Oh, I see. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. No, no. If anyone wants to get married, I'm a registered minister. I can marry you. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so whenever you get drunk. It'll be one hell of a ceremony. That's great.

The pastor seems to be exceptionally drunk. Extremely drunk. He has to be to make the Jesus magic happen. Get me more liquor! Get me more liquor! Okay, okay, okay. He's the loudest priest in nine counties and we love him. We're gathered here today!

He can marry you from a county over, he's so loud. Nice, and it's cheaper then. You don't have to roll him in. Absolutely, because he just takes flasks of whiskey. Oh, very nice. Pa, pa, pa, pa, pa, pa, pa, pa, pa. You're getting married. You don't need a band.

Yeah, the marching band. That's right. Ed's the only minister that can marry people by force. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I don't love her. You and you married now. Fuck it. Oh, that's great. She's going to enjoy that. Well, don't talk to Ed later on tonight. Yep, you're going to be married. He's on a wedding spree.

He's going wedding crazy. All right, Sheboygan, Wisconsin. Oh, yeah, I mean, that's pretty much all we got on this. That's it, the man stole a box of bells. I mean, let's go from Wisconsin to Florida. Let's do that. Everyone loves Florida. Can I just also say that's the worst story

we've ever covered. Yeah. Was a man stole a box of bells. I mean, it's really bad. That was good, though. It was funny good. I mean, it had its elements.

Yeah, he just stole a box of bells and they got in trouble for it. Yeah, well, he stole from a church and pawned it off. In Florida, a 19-year-old woman

from Immokalee. Do you guys know where that is? No. No. She, 19-year-old. That's fucking horrible. That must be the worst place in Florida. If we haven't heard of it, God help it.

A 19-year-old Immokalee woman who authorities say intended to take her baby with her as she worked the streets as a prostitute was arrested Wednesday. She's a good mother. Trying to take the baby with her. Yeah, at least the baby's not alone in a room somewhere. Yeah, what's she going to do? Fucking put it in the tree? Or in the trash can. She was accused of hitting her former boyfriend who tried to stop her.

Boyfriend trying to stop her? So she would have watched it? Yeah, the boyfriend was trying to watch it, but she wanted to take it hooking. I've never said this before, but someone should lock up that prostitute. Whoa, Eddie, that's rude. That's rude. All right, and everyone take it. Here's a picture of the prostitute right here.

She's a nice-looking girl. No, she's got that surly face. Oh, she's nice. I mean, she's more attractive than some prostitutes I've seen. Yeah, and the boyfriend would have just fucked the kid. Many, many. How many prostitutes have you seen, Henry? Many on my block. Oh, yes. Where I newly moved

to Williamsburg. Apparently there is a bit of a community home for the sexual worker. Well, it's an abused woman's home. Yes, and so I do not know how to respond to the question. It's the first time I was asked on the street of like, how you looking for a date?

But you were. They ask outside of the house? Yeah, right outside of their place. I told you about the bodega on your corner that you told me I should never go into because it's filled with prostitutes after I went into the bodega. Yes, yes. It's jam-packed with prostitutes. They loved me, though. I'll tell you what. I got a

six-pack of beer and cigarettes for $13.50. Thank you, everyone. What a win. Who's the prostitute now? It was six bucks for a bunch of tall boys. But I just imagine, which is interesting, it's usually nine.

Fascinating story, Ben. Well, thank you so much. But I would just assume the police officer... What is happening with you? It doesn't matter. Where did you go? I'm by a piano. I think it's because he got Jew and he's got a cardigan on and he's leaning on his fucking piano. Everyone loves he's a Jew now. Is this the part where I have

my breakdown? We still have another show tonight, buddy. Keep it together. He got her gifts. He got her gifts. He got her gifts. We are not even coming close to the baggage. $400 worth of sweatshirts. Made her cry on a second date and got her gifts. If you guys didn't know, Ben Kiss, he made a girl cry on a second date.

I didn't make her fucking cry. Her ex-boyfriend made her cry. I just happened to witness it. But you started shouting about de Blasio. I wasn't shouting about de Blasio. I wasn't shouting about de Blasio. You're shouting right now. Okay, first of all,

I'm just going to say a sentence that's not going to be, de Blasio's going to ruin the city, but that's done now. You're just yelling. You can only say that

sentence at top volume. Okay, that's fine. But no, I wanted to make a joke about an officer walking into the deli and then he's like, I'm arresting all the prostitutes. You know, you're arrested.

You're arrested. Of course, Jackie, you can go. That was, I wanted to make a joke with that. Oh, you're backtracking. I wanted to backtrack because I got off track. Now you're just scaring me and everyone else. It doesn't matter. Do you want a fucking sweatshirt?

I'll buy you a fucking sweatshirt. I'd love a sweatshirt. We've gotten countless fights and I never receive a gift. Yeah. She just got a fucking signed autograph from a Detroit wedding. It doesn't fucking matter. What? You got her an autograph? Holden,

right now, we are moving on with the fucking show. Alright, let's get back to the story. Elisa Alvarez is unemployed and was planning to leave home around 1pm to work the streets to earn money for drugs. Early riser

for a prostitute. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's pretty judgmental. They don't know why she was getting there unless she was screaming as they were arresting her. Her former boyfriend, Braulio Cano. I'm sorry, what's his name? Braulio. Braulio. Sounds like a fucking Mortal Kombat

fucking contestant. They changed their mind in the middle of naming him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're gonna call him Braulio. Do we want to be a Brian or a fucking Julio? We're gonna call him Braulio. Well, he's got the brown of a Julio, but he's got

the blue eyes of a Brian. Oh, okay, okay. So, Briula, you want me to write that on the birth certificate? This is for life. Yeah, yeah, that's fine. He's going to have a wonderful prostitute girlfriend one day. Well, he lives in the same home with Alvarez. He's a nice guy, by the way.

He attempted to stop her. He told Alvarez she could do what she wanted, but she could not take the one-year-old with her. After an argument, Alvarez she could do what she wanted, but she could not take the one-year-old with her. After an argument, Alvarez left the home. She then returned. Sorry, guys, I usually edit those out. She then returned and grabbed the child through an open window.

When she went to the front door to get the child's stroller, reports say she and Kano argued again. This baby is gonna be president. Oh, absolutely. She's definitely gonna know how to fuck. It's a baby. But yeah. What is she doing?

She's just like, no, I need to take it with me. I wouldn't fucking trust him either. He's the only one that's fucking taking care of this goddamn woman. She's gonna go bang a stranger. If you pay her an extra $1,000, the baby will suck on the dude's balls. Henry Zebrowski.

Are you proud of yourself, Henry? I didn't expect that from you, man. Are you proud of yourself, Henry? I expect that type of shit from Jackie, not from you. Do you see how much money it costs? It costs a lot of money. $1,000. Unbelievable.

What would Lorne Michaels say? He's already said, no, no, no. A couple of times. Lorne Michaels, of course, the executive producer for Saturday Night Live. You are a failure. Yeah. I mean, Henry, it is kind of ironic that people are like, oh, Henry's never going to be working on Saturday nights. But here you are, you know?

And this is just as good as that prime time big old television institution. He is live right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Give it up for Henry Zabrowski on Saturday night. Yeah, live. Saturday Night Live. Roundtable of gentlemen. Live from Long Island City.

It's Saturday night with Henry Zabrowski. Whoa, Henry Zabrowski is here. Kevin Barnett. Holden McNeely. Hey, I'm here to do the monologue, you pieces of shit. It's been a crazy week. I got fucked four times. Don't edit it out, NBC, or I'll eat your fucking CEO's pussy, you bitch.

Hey, everybody. I'm Katy Perry, and I fart fucking jewels. pussy, you bitch. Hey, everybody, I'm Katy Perry and I fart fucking jewels. Oh, fantastic. Let's 69 for fucking an hour and a half. Hell yeah, I can't wait to calm in your brain, old man. Yeah, it's Wayne's world, you fucking queers. I'm sick of this. That'd be my Saturday Night Live.

If I was running shit at Saturday Night Live, it'd be Toots is the Driving Cat for an hour and a half. Toots is the Dragon Cat would really do well, actually. We would get Bobby Moynihan to play it. It would be so funny. I can do it. I'm sorry, you're not in the cast. I'm sorry.

You didn't make me cry. So Holden's the new head writer. Yeah, I saw your tape. It's meh. I know I saw your tape. It's... I know I co-wrote half of the monologue. Is it sad that it becomes really sad about three minutes in? It becomes genuinely sad? I remember you talking about your alcoholic father was a little odd for an audition tape.

Anyway, $1,000. The baby will suck on a boy's nuts. Isn't that interesting? Let's move to Tac1,000. The baby will suck on a boy's nuts. Isn't that interesting? Let's move to Tacoma, Washington. I think we should stay right here. I killed two stories in this episode. That's not bad. That's not bad.

Pierce County prosecutors say a 32-year-old Lakewood man used a vacuum cleaner to beat his girlfriend to death after she refused to have sex with him. Oh man, she never died before. I guess not. Refugio Sanchez Jr. What's

going on today? They did not want that baby. Julio and Refugio. It sounds like he's the leader of the Lost Boys in Peter Pan's Hook. Very interesting. Peter Pan's Hook. Refugio! I always liked Rufio

very much, and I always dreamt that I could make food with my brain. You're fat. That's not nice, Jack. Rude, Jack. I don't like the audience slowly muttering that it's true. I'm not fat.

It's true. It's true. It's not appropriate. It's kind of a bit of the truth. I mean, it's funny, but it's true. Sanchez drank a six-pack of beer and a shot of rum after getting home from work Tuesday night. Detectives believe Sanchez and Kinesio got into an argument about Kinesio. Is that how they met? Like in a bad names meeting?

Yeah, her name is Angela Kinesio. Kinesio. Oh, I thought that was her first name. My name is Ribbled Gunk. Oh, yes. Well, welcome, sir. You'll fit right in here. Thank God no one will accept me anywhere else. Yeah, just don't stare Kinesio in the nose because he gets very upset. I've got an extra long nose.

Detectives believe Sanchez and Kinesio got into an argument about Kinesio's estranged husband who lives in Connecticut. After the argument, Sanchez wanted to have makeup sex, and when Kinesio rebuffed him, he picked up a vacuum cleaner and began beating her with it. Beat her to death.

She won't fuck you after an argument. You beat her to death. You agree with me? Jackie has made the women's rules of the world, and now this is another one. You've got to open your legs to comply, or you're going to get vacuumed to death. That's fucking radical feminism if I've ever heard it.

Thank you. Sanchez admitted to police that he hit Kinesio twice with a vacuum cleaner before dragging her like a rag doll down the stairs to the living room. Oh, it wasn't the vacuum then. I mean, like a rag doll, that was in quotes, so that's from the police report. That's from his own confession. He also told

police he strangled her with a t-shirt. He's like the MacGyver of murderers. What do I have? I'm a murderer. I got a Q-tip and a book of matches. I'll set her on fire. Yeah.

He also smashed her head into the floor with great force. I think the vacuum has taken the rap here. I think there was a lot of other things that probably killed this woman. The vacuum is definitely the most interesting aspect of the story. This is horrible shit. Brutal murder. I've got a lot of jokes to say about this brutal fucking murder.

Kevin, what do you want to say about this? I'm just saying, she must have said some shit to this dude. It was probably an argument. She's like, yeah, well, you got a fucking shitty-ass name, Refugio. Don't you make fun of my name! You know he's got some demons about that name, dude. It's a bad name. Like I said, it was a slow week.

I had to do some reaching. Good. Man! Is that good news that it was a slow week, or is that bad? I mean... Yeah, at the end of the day, everybody, it was a slow week. This world's less chaotic. Yeah.

That's not a bad reply to this world. It depends on what you want from the world. I feel like it's less weird, but more brutal this week. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, it's definitely brutal as fuck. The world did not have an imagination this week, no. I just want to think about fucking girls with their titties all over the place covered in meat just fucking beating on each other.

Yeah, I have not gotten that image out of my mind for a second. That's hot. You know what? A more heartwarming thing. This happened when I was in Miami two weeks ago, and I was wearing this hat. I was wearing that Florida State hat, and I was down there. You know, Miami does a big rivalry with their team. And this fucking dude runs up on me, right?

And he's like, he's like, you going to wear that fucking shit around here, man? You going to wear that fucking shit around here? He's like cubing his fuck and yelling at me the entire time. You going to wear that fucking shit? I'm like, oh, shit, this is about to be a fight. He's getting in my face, right? And then he's like, man, fucking Gators, man. Fucking Gators for life.

I'm like, yo, you're in the wrong town. And he keeps yelling, fucking Gators, man, fucking Gators. He's like, we're going to fuck y'all up. We play y'all Thanksgiving weekend. We're going to fuck y'all up. And I was like, yo, man, you really believe that, man? He was just like, nah, man. He just walked away.

I hope his life changed right after that. You are distinguishing the hate, man. You're fucking getting rid of it. I change the lives out here, man. That's what I do. It is. You're a life changer, Kevin. I'm sure he's a sad little man.

I appreciate this. By the way, this is the sweater. Show everybody. If you listen a lot, we were talking about this. The greatest shirt in America. Kevin Barnett. This is the best thing that's ever happened to me,

him, anyone else. I made it, man. It's happened. Well, let's see here. Edward, do we want to do... Ladies and gentlemen, there is a time of the year that is just so important to all of America. I'm getting so fucking nervous right now, man.

And I would like to bring to the stage right now wonderful presenters. Everyone, please give it up for your presenters for Roundtable of the Year 2013, Adam Newman and Katie Frame. There we go. Adam is, of course, Roundtabler of the Year. Michael Che couldn't be here. Wow. We've heard it's a huge...

Have a beer. No, we don't have enough. Don't touch that. There are like 70 beers at least on this table. It's insane. Yeah, this is very exciting for us. It's definitely going on our bios. It's definitely going on our bios.

It's going to be a good time. We've heard it's a huge honor to get nominated for this award, and so we guess it's a big honor to be presenting. Absolutely. I'm also shooting for 2014, though, right? You almost made it this year. Oh, good. Okay, good.

I made it. Just making sure. Just making sure. Just making sure. All right. Here we go. I know you're all waiting, so we're going to... I knew it was a big deal

when I heard, when Katie from the other room goes, hey, Adam, do you want to present this round table award? And I said, what is that?

And she said, Marie wasn't available. Yeah. Of course, Marie from the Reformed Horde. And you know that you could just send one Facebook message and take care of the both of us, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So easy.

So easy. Alright. But it's what the people wanted. Thanks for having us, people. Everyone is sitting on the edge of their seat. This is very exciting. We have to get everybody so nervous. Okay, ready? And the nominees are...

Amber Nelson, two-time nominee. Wow, Amber Nelson. Second nomination, big deal for her. Should have been me. We got Kevin Barnett with his first nomination. Wow, unbelievable. This sweater has changed my life already. Micah Sherman, who I don't think is here. He didn't bother to life already. Micah Sherman.

Who did not show up. He doesn't have to. He's talented enough to be nominated. I hope he didn't win. Two-time nominee. Don't clap for him. Okay. With his third nominee, Ed Big Time Larson.

This might be the year. This might be the air. It might be the air. And I should say that I didn't say big time because I thought that he wrote his own nickname into the nomination. It's a nickname that my mother gave me. That's great.

Because you're a big time failure. Ah! Yeah, you stretched your mother's pussy out big time! That was a big time weight in her uterus. Okay. The next one is... This big tear.

It was big tear originally. Oh, that's right. Big tear, Larson. Gross. He was birthed using the jaws of life. You know what I'm saying. Everyone's on fire. Yeah, he was a big baby.

Thank you, Jackie. All right, next is another person who's not here tonight. Michael Che. Third time nominee. Two time winner. I'll take a bow for him as the man I wish I was. There we go. Michael Che is kind of here. Michael Che, he's won it two times.

Endless success since he's won this award. First award he ever won his whole life. Now he's on it two times. You know, his endless success since he's won this award. First award he ever won his whole life. Now he's on Saturday Night Live. He got Letterman, Rolling Stones,

Top 50 Comedians. Things just keep rolling in because of this award. So why isn't he here? Because he's filming Saturday Night Live. This is more important. We've already established

we are live and it's Saturday night. I'm sure Lauren would have understood. And your final nominee with his first nomination, Mr. Andrew Short. Andrew Short. Everyone loves Mr. Andrew Short.

Great nominee. Is he not here? Did you let everyone know if they were nominated? Yeah, I let them all know. He was busy eating apples off the ground. That's fine. All right, Ed. Is that a short joke?

I guess it's a short joke. I thought it was a donkey joke. It sounded more like a horse joke, but I liked it. There's a whole bunch of things mixed in there. All right, Ed. All right, and the round tabler of the year. Don't open it! I don't want to.

Do you want to do it? I don't care. It looks so official. It is so official. We just don't read it and leave it. Thanks for fucking dressing up for the presentation, guys. What the fuck? That's brilliant, Ed. That's such a good idea.

It's fine. Whatever. Who won? Drum roll. Drum roll from the crowd. Who is it going to be? And the winner is... Your fucking ass! Wow! Your fucking ass!

Wow! Sorry! Wow! I can't believe it. I can't believe I have won this award two times before, okay? And I've won it again. You know can't believe I have won this award two times before. OK, and I won it again. You know, both times I've won this award. It it meant absolutely nothing to me. But this time, the third time I'm winning it,

this time somehow it means even less than the nothing it meant before. But I'm thankful for it because, you know, I love doing this podcast. I love doing the show. I love carrying it. You know, thank you guys so much. Thank you to the sexy and beautifully curvy Mr. Ed Larson. Jackie Zabrowski, whose titties I want to touch someday. Holden McNeely, who nobody really knows

a lot about on purpose. And my spiritual advisor and best friend, Marcus Parks, who helps me through life. Kevin Fowler, who's a laver. Yes, I love. Of course, the captain of the ship, Mr. Ben Kissel, Big Ben Kissel.

You know, Ben, I want to tell you this, and I'm being, like, dead, I want to tell you this, and I'm being dead serious. I've told you this before. If anybody deserves this award more than me, they would have won it, and they haven't.

Obviously, I deserve it a lot, a lot more than you do, because you've never won to my count. Thank you. I can't wait to come back to the show and hang more than you do. Because you've never won to my count. So thank you. I can't wait to come back to the show and hang out with you guys. I'd like to give you a toast and salute because I wish I could be with you, but I have a job.

A really, really good job. And I'm working tonight. So a toast to the gentlemen. To Mr. Roundtable, Michael Che. And to the gentlemen, to Mr. Roundtable, Michael Che, and to the troops, both sides. Both sides. Everybody get dropped, touch something that doesn't belong to you.

All right, cheers. That's very nice. You people are fat. And that'll go up on the roundtable page. All right, Michael, thank you so much. Adam Newman and Miss Katie Frame, thank you guys so much. All right. He wants to touch my titties.

Well, don't. Yeah, man. Let him. Let him. All right, guys. Thank you guys so much for coming out for the show. That's Jackie, of course. Amber, Amber, you missed it.

You lost. It's okay. Amber, I'm so sorry. Amber is the only one that showed up, though, outside of people on the round table. You get a bunch of them. Do you have any last final words? Do you have a non-acceptance speech?

Oh, non-acceptance speech. Non-acceptance speech. I say, Mengele did worse than what Hitler did to the Jews, but he didn't get his comeuppance because we took more of their knowledge. It was science. Yeah. It was science.

All right. Absolutely. The Sally Fields of the roundtable of gentlemen. Thank you so much. Exactly. Thank you. Yes. All right. That's the live roundtable.. Thank you so much. Thank you. Yes. All right. That's the live roundtable.

Thank you guys so much for coming out. Jackie Zabrowski, Ed Larson, Holden Maynealy, Kevin Barnett, Marcus Parks on Ben Kessel. Thank you guys so much. Three-time champion Michael Che. Michael Che. Congratulations. All right.