The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 174: Bitch Disease, or I'm Glad Nobody Said That

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

This week on the Round Table: a wedding dance goes horribly awry when a guest accidentally fires off an AK-47 into the crowd, a woman in New Mexico sues the local police department for pepper spraying her vagina, and a man gets beaten half to death over crab legs at a buffet. Joining us today: Michael Che!

The Roundtable. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay on, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the Roundtable.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Civility. gentlemen. Always civility. I'd rather beat off than publicly say I need sex.

Yeah, that's a good point. We're missing some gold here. We should really hold off. Are we all good? Are we good to go? Okay, well, Eddie, you have a lot to be thankful for. Oh, yeah, and I'm praying today. So, in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, amen. Amen.

Catholic white Jesus. Take it easy. Amen. Catholic white Jesus. Thank you for the dolphins. One today, they beat the Jets, and I was there. I sat front row, and I got to yell at the Jets cheerleaders. Very nice.

I want to thank God for that. What did you tell them? They were called the flight crew, so I kept calling them stewardesses. I was asking them where my pretzels were, where my peanuts were, and to get me a Diet Cola and shit like that, and they didn't like it.

Take them down a peg, those cheerleaders who make 50 bucks a game. Ed did show me the pictures from the game, and he did show me a nice picture of a hiney that he took. Oh, man. She had a perfect hiney. I would have, even though she was a just cheerleader, I would have changed my life for her.

Well, you should probably change it for your own heart and insanely terrible health. But anyway, just thank you, God, for the dolphins, letting me see that. I'm going to go, next week, I'm going to go watch the game again, and I really appreciate that. see that. I'm going to go next week, I'm going to go watch the game again, and I really appreciate that. And I also want to thank you for gracing me at the presence of the three-time

champion. Three-time! Three-time! The Roundtable of the Year Awards is my day. This is a big three-time No, thank you guys. Thank you so much. And it makes me so bashful to be in this presence.

Bashful? Bashful. I want to thank everybody for voting, too, by the way. Nobody voted. No, everybody voted. Huge numbers came in on the votes. Big numbers? Huge numbers.

People, you wouldn't be surprised who voted. I wouldn't be surprised who voted. I know one voted for Michael Che. Yeah, that was great. That was a big one. Mel Brooks did, huh? Yeah, yeah. It was very big of him.

My own cousin, Jeffrey Ross, voted for Michael Che. Did he really? Yeah, for me, yeah. Good, good. You, you voted for Che. I voted for Michael Che. You voted for Che. That's right.

I remember submitting that. Thank you guys so much for registering and voting. No problem. It's a council. They get selected. All right, Eddie. Is this still the prayer? In the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit.

Thank you. And a three-time round table of the year. Ah, Michael J. God damn it. Jesus Christ. Just to be you, to be able to win that award three times. I tell you, it's not easy. I've been nominated for it as a three-time nominee. I just want to say it.

That's good, too. Sometimes it's good to be invited. It's crazy. The conversation's done, guys. It's all done. The award is over. It's not a real award. No, it's a real one. I got it in my office. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Welcome to the round table of done, guys. It's all done. The award is over. It's not a real award. No, it's a real one.

I got it in my office. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Welcome to the round table of gentlemen, everybody. We know Ed's here, and we fucking know Michael Che is here. He has. He's been talking non-goddamn stop. Hey! A bullshit prize.

It's a beautiful award. You should see it. It's glistening. I'm going to get it next year, Michael. You will not. God, man. Who's around this? I think it was hard to nail to the wall because it was covered in pussy juice.

Holy Lord. It slips off there. All right, Jackie. You're here, Jackie. I'm here. I'm here. Jackie! I think that next year, I just hope that it's my pussy juice to be on the award.

You didn't even let me slop on it. I was the fucking Vanna White of the awards, and I... Whose pussy juice are you using, Ed Larson? I just put it in the bathroom, and I said, you know, think of Michael Che. Oh, man, it might have been my pussy juice.

It could have been yours. I remember the note now. Classic. Classic trick. I got a bleed, so there you go. Hold that old trick. Classic. Classic trick. Hold it, McNeely. I got a bleed, so there you go. Hold it. The bloody nose for five days now because he has the, what is it called?

Herpes? Nerd disease? Yeah. Just like the dorkiest thing that you could possibly have. Don't pick your boogers, ladies and gentlemen. You got to stop doing that. Yeah, you can't put your fingers up there. You can't put your thumb up there.

Is that what happened? You were putting fingers up there? Yeah, yeah. I switched to the thumb. I switched to a wider digit, you know, because I really had some stuff coming down the pipeline. Right. Yeah, I just sort of ripped it open. Really?

Yeah, absolutely. So you can go with your pinky. Maybe you're pointing, but never your thumb. Don't even blow that thing. Just leave it alone, man. It's a fucking curse. It's a torture of the damned. It sounds like it.

Torture of the fucking damned. Our sink, if you've ever seen the wonderful Stephen King film It, it was a made-for-TV movie. There's a scene where Bevy goes to the bathroom, and there's a balloon. What's in that balloon? A bunch of blood, and it pops in the sink. I woke up Tuesday morning, I believe, and this was after i don't even know the epic fucking rainforest of blood the fucking the the biggest blood gush i've ever seen all over our bathroom yeah and i was very comfortable with it though okay yeah i was sort of fine with part of

everything that happened to you that's bad and we're sorry you got sick it is really funny that you bled out of your face for four days. For four days! It's incredibly hilarious. Who's ever been... I've never seen it on a tombstone. The funny part about Holden's nosebleed is that his roommate, Kep, your guy's roommate, was going to let you die. Oh, yes.

Yeah, he stayed at his rib. Holden was just screaming in pain, bleeding out of his face. Yeah. I mean, what's Captain to do, though? No, it wasn't painful. I mean, it was just the nausea from drinking all the blood. It was just more the.

Drinking blood. It was more the. Not just drinking blood. People do it for fun. People do it for sexual pleasure. It was more the anxiety. Yeah, but at one point you come and then it's over. You don't keep going.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I suppose. How many gallons of blood or ounces of blood do you think you have right now in your stomach? I mean, I filled up multiple, like that large blue cup, I filled up like multiple cups of blood. This is fucking awful. It's bad radio, right? It's really bad. I got to talk about it, man.

It's a real thing, so don't stick those fingers up your nose. Get a humidifier. bad i gotta talk about it man it's a real thing so don't stick those fingers up your nose get a humidifier fucking don't get better roommates that will take care of you in a crisis i want to welcome everyone to wtf fucking holden marin over here fast forward the first 15 minutes um all right marcus let's go to a news story. A Yemeni wedding celebration ended in tragedy when a man accidentally shot three people dead with an AK-47 while dancing to Gangnam Style. I saw that!

Oh, man. I saw that. This story is amazing. I blame Cy for this whole fucking thing. Horrific mobile footage. You should have cut us off so long ago with this story. You were sitting on this story. We were just talking about Holden's face.

It's all good. Horrific mobile footage posted to LiveLeak shows a group of men dancing to the song by South Korean pop star Psy. One of the men wearing a white shirt and black turban can be seen carrying an AK-47 while he dances. Suddenly, a burst of gunfire erupts and

guests scream as three men fall to the ground Lying in pools of blood It is believed the men later died I believe it This is a scene from Taken 2 Put the gun down if you're gonna dance man I mean yeah this side dance The gang style dance

I even put my drink down It's literally like 15 dudes dancing in a circle with each other and guns. It's the most homoerotic thing I've ever seen in my life. And the girls kind of sit and they watch a little bit. Well, they're not allowed to dance or smile. They're not allowed to be happy. Yeah, but your face should have been pixelated that entire last week. It's a very popular song.

Oh, it is. It is. I'm very happy the Gangnam Style trend is done now. I think we're done with the song. I think this is the official end. Yeah, when three thugs gang up style. It's all over. This is what I was afraid of when I first heard it.

Yes, I was like, this is going to happen. Right. I wonder if Psy's beside himself right now, just so sad. Like, what have I created? What monster have I wrought of the world? I feel like J.D. Salinger did when that dude fucking shot Lennon over his book. This is the new knockout. Yeah.

Dancing the Gangnam Style. The knockout game? I want to talk about that knockout game. I want to see Psy do an acoustic Gangnam Style at the next Grammys. Oh, it would be beautiful.

And remembrance of those dudes. Yeah, him and Faith Evans can be out there too with a big picture of Biggie for some reason. Nobody really knows why. It's going to be huge. With three candles on a piano or some shit.

Elton John comes and talks about candles and a wind or some shit. We can move on with the event. Well, firing guns at weddings is common in Yemen and often leads to accidental shootings. According to the National Yemen Website, accidental shootings account for 80% of gun crime. Good God. There's a national Yemen website? To be in the Yemen army. God, that's scary.

I mean, these guys aren't even in the army. They're just hanging out at a wedding shooting a bunch of guns. 80% though. You would think they could just use fake bullets when it's wedding shoot time as opposed to war shoot time. I think he's 47 too. That Like, that's a big gun. It's a huge gun to be dancing to that goddamn horsey song. It must be so easy to get away with murder.

It's like, ah, it was an accident. Sonny made me do it. I was really nailing that Gangnam Style dance. Well, I was dancing with my gun to Gangnam Style. It's yamming, you know. People get shot. Gammon does that. Ed, you had an AK.

You ever dance with it? Uh, yes. And you have an AK. You ever dance with it? Yes. And you have a beard. And you sing to what? Hip hop. Hip hop. That's appropriate. That's very appropriate.

But yeah, obviously a bunch of people got knocked out there. That knockout game, that's very popular right now. Everyone's talking about it. I don't think it's that popular. I mean, it's popular to talk about. It's popular in the news media right now. It happened to Henry Zebrowski. That finally answers the question, what happened to Henry Zebrowski that fateful day when he got punched in the back of his fucking head?

Twice. It happened to Henry twice. But, Jay, you're from around here. Was this a common thing when you were growing up? Because I think the media is blowing this knockout game out of proportion. I remember Halloween was the worst holiday in New York because kids would get socks with potatoes and batteries and just clock people in the fucking head with them. I would much rather get hit with a sock full of a potato than a fucking – A sock full of anything, and they would just beat the shit out of you with it.

Yeah, I got so many eggs thrown at me in Bed-Stuy on Halloween when I used to live down there. Two weeks before Halloween. They're all like, it's Halloween. They throw eggs in them and just throw radios and shit. I also had a car jut over and like try to fake run me over when I was in.

I mean, shit happens over there. You know, it's fun. People get frustrated. And I'm white, I wear glasses. I wish I was in both of those cars.

Just like giving them eggs. Throw more. Throw more. It's like black Yemen. It's how, what happened? I guess it's better. At least we're not shooting people with AKs. We listen to Throw more. It's like black Yemen. It's how, what happened? I guess it's better. At least we're not

shooting people with AKs. We listen to Gangnam Style and we knock people out. Yeah. No, it's just fucking, you just put a name on it and it just makes it scary. Does that scare white people?

Stuff like that? Nothing scares us. No, you don't care, right? No, I'm six foot seven. No one's going to knock me out. They'll hit my shoulder or, you know, I want them to, you know,

and then just grab one of them and choke them really hard. Look at all the other ones in the fucking face. You'd be like, see what happens, you know, with the inner rage. Then it's all worth it.

Yeah, it's fine. And I'm like, thank you so much for hitting me. It never happens to me or Ben. No, it doesn't. It's not going to happen. We're too big. Also, it wouldn't happen to me either.

That's why I was never kidnapped as a child. Too fat. You know, they're too scared. I almost got kidnapped as a kid. What happened? No, you're too cute in the face. I swear to God.

Me and my cousins were at a bodega, and this crackhead lady runs in, and she says, get what you want. Your mother's waiting. And we were like, okay. We didn't have any money, so we were like, really? Get whatever we wanted? Like, yeah, get whatever you want. I got like a dollar worth of candy, and I thought we was just going to make off with all this candy.

Yeah. And my cousin was smart for some reason. Ridiculous. She was like two years older than us, three years older. She was like, no, who's our mother? What are you talking about? We're not even brothers and sisters. How do you know our mother? We're not even the same. And she got so frustrated that she just left. And I

got a fucking beating for it because you were going to go. Well, because we were all going to go, but my cousin told and I got a fucking beating for it because when my... Because you were going to go. Well, because we were all going to go, but my cousin told, and I had the fucking free candy in my hand as she's telling my uncle. You were the leader of let's get the, let's go. It was candy.

It was like, how could you not? For the free candy, I think it's totally fun. Yeah, I got a fucking beating for it. That's sad. Gotta make you. That's sad. You know, I like it, though. That's very good.

I almost got kidnapped once, too, actually. Yeah? Yeah, yeah. Some dude came up to me at some hot dog restaurant. My father used to always bring me to hot dog restaurants because Eddie likes hot dogs. I had no idea there was such a thing. Eddie likes hot dogs. That's amazing. And what would you be having, sir?

So I would reserve the table. My dad would go get the hot dogs. You had to reserve a table at the hot dog restaurant? It was a popular spot. Great dogs. Coney hot dogs. You had to reserve a table at the hot dog restaurant? It was a popular spot. Great dogs. Coney Island dogs. The reserved Ed Larson table. Yeah, and then one time when I was at the hot dog restaurant, some guy came over

and started talking to me and asked me if I wanted to play the video games. I was like, yeah! I love video games. And so I get up to play the video games and I just remember, this is one of my first memories when I was five years old, my father comes out of nowhere, grabs a dude by the fucking collar, just starts screaming in his face and throws him out of the restaurant. That's a nice father memory.

That's great. And then we just sit down and had our hot dogs. I just feel like a young you would be like Thor's hammer to try to kidnap. Like you cannot lift him. So heavy, yeah. How strong is your gravitational pull I was 100 pounds in first grade

100 pounds I was that big I might have been that big too actually it scares me yeah I might have been that big how easy

like for as a kid like just well I never I never so fuck me oh yeah oh my god and I really

I would understand it would have been so easy a box of lemon heads and all you're gonna do is finger my ass a little bit yeah why would you

just let me blow the box later. I was never kidnapped. The only time that it ever even came close to happening to me, I made it all up in my head and got my brother in a lot of trouble because he biked ahead of me. So I got home 15 minutes later and made up this elaborate story about how a dude tried to offer me candy in a red fucking pickup truck. And then my brother got grounded for a week and my mom took me to the police station and I didn't back down one goddamn bit.

I spoke to the detectives and I was like back down one goddamn bit. I spoke to the detectives and I was like, it happened. Goddamn right it happened. You ruined some black quarterback's football career probably. That's right. James Winston shouldn't be coming in my fucking underwear, man. And that's why Warren Moon wasn't drafted.

That's right. Some poor Eddie, poor sap in a red pickup truck in Stevens Point, Wisconsin about 1989. They all got pulled over probably. That's fucked up, man. Yeah, well, I can't get in trouble. I can't. You got to follow through with the lie.

Come on, everyone. Marcus, you never got almost kidnapped? No, man. It's Texas, dude. Texas? Yeah, they just let kids ride. I mean, maybe I did and I just wasn't paying attention. That's the thing.

I think if you just don't pay attention to the idea that you're being kidnapped, the kidnapper will get bored with you and just leave you on the side of the road. Well, when you're a kid, you don't know. Yeah. You don't fucking know what it is. They're adults. We're like a kid. You trust adults.

You see an adult say, hey, your mother wants you. You're like, yeah, let's go. Yeah, there was ample opportunity. I mean, this one guy could have kidnapped me. I just kind of set off. We were all at a family gathering. I just started walking down the road. And this old cowboy in a pickup truck just pulled

up like, hey, little boy, where are you going to? I'm like, I don't know. I'm just walking. He's like, who's your daddy? That's terrifying, Marcus. He was halfway to coming. That's the worst of my story. I'm like, oh, Bill.

Bill Parks. I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like, oh, shit. Oh, hell, he lives right down here. Get in the fucking truck, you little idiot. I'll take you over there. Oh, yeah. Oh, shit. Oh, hell, he lives right down here. Get in the fucking truck, you little idiot. I'll take you over there. Oh, man. That's great.

And then he just took me back home. If he didn't know you, he would have fucked you. It would all have been done. It's so easy. Just like that. Yes, indeed. Just like that. That's not bad.

Well, I'm happy you weren't kidnapped, Michael. I'm happy that you weren't kidnapped either, Ben Kissel. Well, no one was even close to kidnapping me. I really fucked over somebody. That's kind of good. Reverse kidnapping. Never even kidnapped. But I'll fucking accuse somebody of doing it. That was some elaborate ass shit to get your brother in trouble. That's like a psychopathic

thing to do. That is really nuts. Dude, you don't understand. You don't understand the fucking... How old were you? I was like maybe 10. Oh, okay. Yeah. He was 12. It sounded like you were going to say 19 and then skip to 10. Oh, okay. Yeah. He was 12. I had to do it, man. It sounded like you were going to say 19 and then skip to 10. Oh, no, no.

19. No, no, no. I feel like it's scarier at 10. I was getting all the candy. I mean, most kids at 10 years old would show up at the police station and start crying and immediately admit they were wrong. Oh, I made up. Psychopath.

I gave them a license plate number. I fucking had it all worked out. What was the license plate? Oh, I don't even know. Six numbers. Three numbers and three numbers and three letters that's all i know smart stupid liar dumb liar i think the detective didn't believe me but he had me like draw a bunch of shit so when did your brother realize that you were making

all this i don't think that they know to this day you fucking going back on that i'm not gonna admit that are you kidding me so this is probably something that your brother has fucking like obsessed over. Maybe. Held with him like, I almost got my little brother kidnapped. Oh, he didn't care. He doesn't care. Maybe why he's gay. It could be.

Yeah. Maybe that's why. It's definitely why he's gay. No. No. I just, I hadn't thought about that memory in a while. But fuck yeah, man. Love that.

Good kid. Don't fuck with me, man. I told him to wait for me. This has been the most powerful episode of Round 2 I've ever been in. I told him to fucking wait for me on the goddamn line. I'm really disturbed. I really am. Come on.

I'm on the inside. Every 10-year-old does it to get his older brother in trouble. It's a classic child move. No, not at all. I feel like to that extent, if I found out that my child lied, to that extent, I would immediately have them committed. This is why you can't admit that you lie. Because then your parents get all upset with you. Yeah.

As opposed to have them being worried about you and then they pick you up on fucking time every day after middle school. How's about you just suck it up, stop being a little bitch, and not tell lies about your brother? I'm not telling lies about my brother. I told lies about a make-believe pedophile to get my brother in trouble. I didn't tell any lies about my brother.

My brother did go ahead of me on the bike. I was upset with it, so I made up an elaborate story about how a man tried to offer me candy. Because he wouldn't ride your bike any faster. He didn't understand how to relax. He was so intense about everything. I was just to teach him how to relax. Yeah! But you were bigger

than your brother, man. You used to be able to fucking lap him on the back. I had a Huffy! I had the shittiest goddamn bike. I have a Huffy. Love my Huffy. My Huffy didn't work. You should be able to fucking lap him on the head. I had a Huffy. I had the shittiest goddamn bike. I had a Huffy. Love my Huffy. My Huffy didn't work. You had to pedal it. What the fuck is that all about?

I've stole a Huffy before. I would have just given you my Huffy. Terrible. Terrible. For a couple of lemon heads you could have my fucking Huffy. Oh man.

He would have sold in your shoes too. I would have took your shoes. My buddy had a fancy bike and he used to do this thing called side hacks, and he'd hack garbage cans and knock them over. But I couldn't do that with my Huffy, so I would just run straight into him and just destroy him and fall off my bike.

Huffy's were like the heaviest fucking bikes you could possibly think of. So fucking heavy. They were made of steel. I loved it. They were made of Pontiacs. They really were. They were so fucking heavy. Fucking came with a license plate made by a state prisoner and shit.

Yeah, they were insanely fucking heavy. That prisoner wrongfully accused for kidnapping you. That's beautiful. He made me one hell of a nice bike. All right, Marcus. Are we done with this Yemeni story? I feel like we've only done one story. We've only done one?

Well, we better do another one. A woman is suing a New Mexico police officer who she says pepper sprayed her vagina twice during a strip search. Oh! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Jackie, how does that feel? How many times have you done that? No, I mean, the worst thing you could do is put VapoRub on it. And I imagine that pepper spray is probably worse than VapoRub. I would probably imagine. Man. I agree. Jackie, have you ever than VapoRub. I would probably imagine. I agree.

Jackie, have you ever put VapoRub on your pussy? I used to put VapoRub under my nose every night when I go to sleep. So then if I would try to masturbate, I would forget that I still had VapoRub on my hands. And then it would just burn. And then I thought it was like God's hand. Were you using snot to lube your pussy? No, no. I put it on my top lip. And then I had the VapoRub on my

fingers. And then I would put it inside of my vagina. I just thought you would use your snot. Yeah, I have a feeling that you were finger banging yourself and then you wanted to smell your pussy and then you put it up to your nose to smell it and then you got the Vapo on it. Why would I want to smell my pussy?

I know what my fucking pussy smells like. Do you? I smell my underwear every fucking morning. Really? I say, smell, what does it smell like? Every morning. Every morning. To see if you can wear it for the day.

Yeah, to see what my pussy smells like. I agree. Actually, it's probably healthy for you to do that. Yeah, it probably is. Probably the right way to go. And, of course, this woman's pussy smelled like a real corn on the cob here after this guy pepper sprayed all over it. Now, Jackie, I did something kind of like that once as well, but it was with some really hot buffalo wings. You didn't wash your hands of the buffalo wings?

I didn't want to get up. Yeah. You didn't want to get up, so you had buffalo wing sauce all over your hands, and then you had a rock hard boner. I don't know why. Because it sounds like you just finished eating buffalo wings. Did you get a boner while eating the buffalo wings? I feel like that's expected. But Marcus, you're a white guy.

Yeah. You can see buffalo wing sauce on your hands. Well, but I also have to get up and go to the bathroom. Oh, wait. Kissel, though, did you clean your asshole after that chicken wing eating contest with the really spicy wings and your asshole ended up burning for like- Oh, my God. Well, I was the Super Coup champion at a

now defunct Mexican restaurant called Buffalo Cantina. Oh, those wigs. You were the champion. I was the goddamn champion. The wing sauce was very intense and I have never had such anal bleeding and pain. That's what you won.

The champion of Buffalo Cantina. Yeah. Not like round table of the year. No, it's not.. Yeah. Not like round table of the year. No, I'm not like the round table of the year. Nothing like that. I'm not going to sell out. I don't want to do that. I don't want to do it. But it's very, very painful.

The court documents show Marlene Tapia was strip searched after allegedly violating her probation. During the search, police officer Blanca Zapater told... You're saying it was Blanca? Her, I think it's... Like the fucking Street Fighter? Yeah. Alien? No, that's a Spanish name.

I know a lot of Spanish girls named Blanca. Really? It's a woman's name. Yeah. Is Blanca a chick? There was a character named in House of the Spirits. Her name was Blanca, too. Yeah, I know like three girls in my project named Blanca.

Really? Are they attractive, Michael? They are not. But they're black. No, they're Spanish. During the search, police officer Blanca Zapater told Tapia to bend over and saw a plastic baggie coming from her vagina. Tapia? Tapia.

It's alleged that's when Zapater used pepper spray on Tapia's genitals. To make it sneeze. Now, would you swerve like elephant? I love it! when Zapater used pepper spray on Tapia's genitals to make it sneeze. That was good. There we go. The suit says there was no reason to use the pepper spray other than to punish her. Spraying Miss Tapia on the genitals, the suit said, would not

cause the baggie to become dislodged. That's sad. Maybe that was the intent, but it did not work. Why did they just grab the baggie and just pull it out of the fucking cavity? How deep could it be? Yeah, you can already see the head of the plastic bag, right? For the most part, what if it was just a tampon string and they pulled a tampon out of her fucking vagina? Well, then they're going to get the fucking same treatment that our sink got when holding blood all over it.

Yeah. It's going to be a goddamn nightmare situation. Man, I got that thing bloody, dude. Did they find out what was in her? I got blood on all the toothbrushes, son. Every toothbrush. I got a text from Kep the next morning being like, don't use your toothbrush. I was like, what happened?

Don't use your toothbrush. Dude like what happened I couldn't stop it I looked around it was just insane It was like the blood coming out of the elevators Don't use your toothbrush So they left your toothbrush there I would probably fucking stuff it up his nose What the fuck do I know It's still there but don't use it

I'm gonna fucking puke Why would you throw everything away that's touched? Why would you say don't use it? Marcus, anything. Please. Either way. So this woman got to keep her drugs, I assume, right? How bloody is your toothbrush ordinarily when you might use it?

As bloody as my gums get every time I brush. Don't use it. This isn't your blood. All right, well, let's move on to another story. I'm not conscious. It's gross your blood. All right, well, let's move on to another story. I'm just nauseous. It's gross. This is the end of it. Let's move on to something else.

Okay. Oh, God. A man's appetite got him into trouble at an all-you-can-eat buffet when another patron beat him up for taking all the crab legs. I agree with the patron. Crab legs are the first to go to an all-you-eat buffet. That's right. Everyone knows that.

You go for the crab legs. Go get them legs. What are you talking about? Prime rib. Get the prime rib. You're a prime rib guy. Prime rib ain't going nowhere. Yeah, I wouldn't get crab legs at a buffet.

I'm sorry. Get the rice. Well, you're the one scooping up all the rice. Don't leave it home all day. Start with a plate of rice. That's the saddest thing. That is a delicacy, the rice at the buffet. That is sad.

Are you from Haiti? What the fuck do you mean rice? It's just awful. That's the saddest thing. That is a delicacy, the rice at the buffet. That is sad. Are you from Haiti? What the fuck do you mean rice? It's just awful. Always. Get the rice covered in some ketchup. Put it in your fucking hands. Don't even have a plate with you. Just fucking balling it up.

Absolutely. Absolutely. Hide, hide, wrap. And you can easily, you take your napkin, you open it up, you pour the rice on your napkin, put it up, wrap it up in a ball. You got little rice balls. A little rice ball. Yeah, that's a good idea.

Absolutely. That's great, man. That's the thing. That's how you get them because that's what everybody ate trying to get. That's right. So you get the thing they don't want. I can't wait to go to the sizzler with you guys. Oh, it's going to be so much fun.

We're going to get kicked out. That's the key any time you're in any situation like that. Black Friday, whatever. Get the thing that nobody else wants. Because you're going to get it. Oh, no. So there you go. Black Friday, that'd be like a rice maker.

Right. A bag of rice? Black Friday, I'm in the toilet paper aisle, motherfucker. I'm getting toilet paper and paper towels. Carts and carts of it. God, I would love to see you on that old 80s TV show Supermarket Sweep. He's sniffing all the ham.

He's up. Undershirts. And he's in the Goya section again. Holy Lord. Wow, so much Goya. That's the cheapest food we have. I don't think you understand. I'm here for the deals.

No, you want to get a lot. You want to put the money. Don't get the chippy. Get the key food brain. Key food brain. I've never seen so much. I've never seen so much fly paper in a fucking basket. He's getting Sergeant Crunch cereal. Oh, that's always very nice.

Yeah, get all the off-grid shit. Bagged cereal. Bagged cereal. More puff rice for homies. Oh, my God. Takes up so much space. Get that rice. You never know when you're going to be at a wedding, when you need to have some shit

to throw around. Styrofoam coolers. Why? Why? It's awesome. And he's cleared him out of all the Dr. Thunder and Mountain Lightning. Ooh, Mountain Lightning was the shit. Mountain Lightning was awesome.

It was great. That was better than Mountain Dew. Fuck Mountain Dew. Mountain Lightning. So this guy's getting. That was better than Mountain Dew. Fuck Mountain Dew. Mountain Lightning. So this guy's getting his ass kicked right now over some crab. Omar Shabazz Thomas is on trial for allegedly beating Michael Lopez. Omar Shabazz Thomas. Omar Shabazz Thomas.

Damn it, man. You know every time he punched you, he said, Shabazz! Shabazz! Oh, God. Great name, man. Only black people have mismatched countries for their fucking names. Omar Shabazz Thomas. What the fuck?

Where are you from? The Bronx, actually. The Bronx. Thank you. Born and raised. He became enraged because LoPatic had emptied a container of crab legs at Star Buffet. Thomas, 21, verbally insulted LoPatic and repeatedly punched him, breaking the Lancaster man's glasses and injuring his ribs.

Lopatic, 48, testified that he was having dinner with his wife and children. He said on the witness stand, you couldn't have felt more demoralized. I wish I would have just given him my crab legs. Lopatic said he waited in line for the crab legs and took about eight pieces, emptying

the container. He said, I cleaned it out. You gotta get in line pretty the crab legs and took about eight pieces, emptying the container. He said, I cleaned it out. You got to get in line pretty quick. You do. Because everyone knows. This fucking 21-year-old schmuck. I mean, what age can you beat somebody up and still feel as if you were a strong, better, more masculine man for doing it? I'd say you have to stay with it. So 21 to 26, so about a five-year range?

Yeah. So if this 48-year-old fought a 53-year-old, that's fine. That's perfectly fine. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's absolutely fine. Yeah, but at the same time... If you're a 21-year-old man, although I wish... There is nothing greater to see an elderly dude beat the fuck out of a young kid.

Yeah, I know. Whenever it rarely happens. I like the five-year range rule. I like that. Yeah, five-year range is pretty much... I think that's perfect. Because you probably went to high school around the same time. Sure.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Even if you were really dumb. Your sister fucked one of his best friends. It's possible. Definitely. Five-year rule is about right. Ten years is fucking upset. If I got into a fight with a 20-year-old, one of us should be ashamed of ourselves.

I don't know which one, but it depends on how it ended. I woke up on Saturday morning and I couldn't remember my age. Isn't that sad? That's happened to me. Yeah? Yeah. Yeah. 32. Anyway, I was very worried.

And last night, we had an interesting bunch of dreams, Ed. Yeah. You're right. You're right. I've had like a dream that I was in high school and I woke up and had to remember that I'm not in high school. Oh, all the time. That's right.

I don't have to remember. I'm 30 and I'm not late. I don't have to remember that shit. It's like me with the Nazi party. Yeah, you're not in it anymore. Yeah, it was really weird. Yeah, I keep going. I'm like, oh. You're not going to graduate the Nazis.

Right, right. You have to get your credits done. You don't hate Jews enough. I was going for head creepy science experiment guy and it didn't work out. Yeah, they didn't want me for it. I wanted to put like an arm on somebody's leg and all that. We just don't know enough girls.

Yeah, exactly. That's the thing. Fucking nosebleeds kept me out of it because I got fucking dorks disease. I hate it. It is a dorks disease, but you could go to a buffet. If you would go to a buffet, you could just shut that whole place down. As a matter of fact, you have a lot of power with that nosebleed. If you don't like a restaurant, go into that restaurant with your nosebleed.

Let it gush out. They'll be shut down for months. Absolutely. If they were ever allowed to reopen. Holy fucking Lord, dude. It's a good idea. I got fucking bookworms problem. It's fucking awful.

Do you think it's the smoking, the drinking, the lack of humidity, or the fact that you read books? What caused the nosebleed? I think it's your apartment, man. Yeah? I don't know. I never get the nosebleed? I didn't get to your apartment, man. Yeah? I don't have that. I never get a nosebleed. Yeah, you got all that mold, though.

The mold. And the dryness. Yeah. Yeah, but okay, just mold gives you nosebleeds. I haven't read anything about that. I've not seen it. I sound awesome right now, by the way. I haven't fucking seen anything about mold, you know?

This reminds me of when the curtain got pulled back on the Wizard of Oz and everyone's like, oh, he's just a depressed sad white. Yeah, this is exactly what I went to a bed and breakfast with a white man. I don't want to hear about that. I went to a white man's bed. His girlfriend, by the way, came back with

saucer eyes and she was traumatized all weekend. I don't know what you did to that poor woman. Oh, my gosh. She bled all over her fucking... Yeah, we played... Oh, we got a king-size bed, so we didn't have to touch, finally, in bed. All right, Marcus. So the guy with the crabs.

It's best for her. I guess. When Lopatic filled his plate... I want to fucking cut my dick off. I want to... Oh, keep it, Eddie. Keep your dick. The bed was so big, we got to pretend we were like an elderly couple.

We didn't have to touch each other at all. We could both spread out. It was so great. I mean, nobody even likes to hear about it. You know? The place was called the Country Squire. It was not called the Country- I'm going to burn that fucking place down.

I'm going to fucking put a bomb in your brain. I'm going to kill everyone in this room. The next time you say bed and breakfast, it's going to go off. It was amazing. All right. They had a TV VCR in the room. We watched television. Oh, no.

Marcus! Okay, okay. I'm trying, but you keep asking him questions. When Lopatic filled his plate, a woman who was Thomas' companion spoke up. He said she was making references to my weight and me being a pig. Oh, come on. She called him fat?

What a cunt. Lopatic, who stands 6 feet 4 inches, told the jurors that last year he weighed 240 pounds. You really upped the ante there, didn't you? Yeah. He said that he ignored the woman and sat down but was later approached by Thomas. Thomas called him big man and asked him why he took all the crab legs using profanities. He was like a raging maniac.

I'm looking at disbelief. This is a family restaurant. You don't say something like that. Why you take all the crab legs, motherfucker? Yeah, exactly. Big Man. Big Man. Why you take all the crab legs, Big Man?

Yo, Big Man. That's exactly how that went down. Man, I immediately would give him every crab leg I had. Just give him a couple of crab legs. It's like, fucking wait, though. You just wait a second. There should be more crab legs. They bring out, they prepare it for that. It's a buffet. Yeah. Yeah, yell at the Asian.

You never know who's working there. It doesn't even matter. Yo, big man, we need more crab legs. That's all you have to fucking do. But there is one thing. When you're fat, you do have to recognize when you steal all the crab legs, you're going to be living the stereotypical life of a fat man. I never take the last of anything. You can't do it.

You can't. I never take the last of anything. I don't take the last of anything. As a tall guy, I have to be very nice to smaller people to let them know that I'm not mean. But if you're tiny, you can be a total asshole and people are like that's spunky right yeah you just gotta know your weight i'm with you on that ben thank you michael like when i walk into elevators and you're taller than me when i walk into elevators i like to go as far back as possible because i just hate standing in front of people dude i have like concerts or anything like that i'm with you concerts yeah it always stands

in the back we're all in the back having fun back. I feel like an asshole to stand up front. And it's sad because we can't do anything about it. People yell at you and they curse at you. The back's the best spot for concerts, though, anyway. Yeah, and there was one nice benefit of being tall. You can actually see the goddamn thing. So it kind of makes sense. 6'7".

6'7", yeah. Oh, people hated me. It's way worse. I went to one concert, and I do find whenever I do end up going into the middle of a concert, I just end up being the guy who has to jack up the small kids so they can crowd surf and shit. I'm just a glorified security guard. Jack off who now? Just jack off kids.

Why do you go to concerts? Why do you go to concerts? Anyway. It's so weird. Every time I go to a concert, I just go in the middle of the crowd, and then I have to jack off the kids. Jack off all these kids. You know?

It's really bizarre. Weird. But, well, what can you do? You know? It's really bizarre. Weird. But, well, what can you do? You know? Well, everybody's happy. Yeah. It's difficult now.

Go to those Seven Marys Three concerts. All these kids are like 35 years old. You've got to go to the Raffy concerts. Raffy, yeah, that's big. That's big. Who's Raff? I'm calling Wiggles. Baby Beluga. All right.

Baby Beluga. He sings Baby Beluga. No one knows Baby Beluga. Everybody fucking. Baby Beluga. He sings Baby Beluga. No one knows Baby Beluga. Everybody fucking knows Baby Beluga. Baby Beluga in the deep blue sea. Swim so wild, swim so free. It's more. There's more to it.

Is there more to it? Yeah. I don't know why you know that. Fucking Raffy. Everybody knows Raffy. I feel like I should shove a cookie in your mouth. Please. Do you have a cookie?

I will eat a cookie. I like fucking 10 cookies. Cookies are great to eat. Always. Can we start bringing cookies into the round table, gentlemen? No more beer? Are we going to go beer free? It's all cookies.

I want fucking only fucking cookies. All right, Jax. Next episode. 10 is such a specific number of cookies. Yeah, I need all the cookies. Ben, sound man, you hear that? Cookies. Ben doesn't listen to you, Jackie.

He only listens to me. It's Ben's job to bring the cookies. Thank you. Ben, it's not your job. It is Jackie's job. It's your job. And then Ben agrees with me. New Ben and old Ben.

Yeah. Skinny Ben, fat Ben. Yeah. Well, don't call him fat. Pretty Ben, ugly Ben. And you know which ones I'm talking about. I'm going to pepper spray your fucking pussy soon, Jackie. Please fucking pepper spray my pussy.

I just need to feel like I'm alive. You need your pussy. You're going to shove a cookie in your mouth and you're going to fucking pepper spray her. Man, this sounds like a fucking Saturday night to me. Goddamn buffet. I'll fucking put some... Unbelievable. Un-fucking-believable.

That's the weirdest one we've tried. Sad. Un-fucking-believable That's the weirdest one we've tried Sad A woman who makes her fiancé take a lie detector test To prove he has been faithful every time he leaves the house Has been diagnosed with an extremely rare condition That causes That causes delusional jealousy Debbie Wood, 42

Is so paranoid that her partner, Steve Wood, 30 Was cheap Oh, that's the answer right there I'm also happy that no one just immediately shouted out, oh, she's diagnosed with bitch disease. That was good of us. That was real good of us. That's a hacky joke, and I'm happy no one said it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a good thing no one ever mentioned it. Yeah. Yeah. I'm glad nobody said that. Oh, yep. Really happy about that. I just didn't say it.

Yep. No one said that. Who would ever think of it? Yeah, who would think that? It's so great that none of our minds are in there. Thank God. No one sadly knows to say that. We're a human with evil dreams.

Dream of it. I'm really happy about it. It doesn't exist in this fucking room. Not in this room. Bitch disease. She seems to suffer from, I don't even know. She's been Jezebeling around. Very good.

I'm happy to know this. We are very fortunate. Yeah. She is so paranoid that her partner will cheat that she checks his phone, email accounts, and bank statements several times a day for any evidence of infidelity. And it doesn't stop there either as Steve who started dating Debbie in 2011

is even banned from watching women on television or looking at pictures of them in magazines. Do you guys want to see the happy couple? Yeah! All right, everyone just, yeah, and look up this before I show everyone. If you're at a computer, look up this story online so we can all experience this together.

Yeah, pause it. Pause it, look it up, come back. What's the headline of the article there? What makes your fiance take a lie detector test every time he leaves the house? If you're listening to this at a computer,

look it up so we can all get this together and here they are. Oh my Christ in heaven. Oh no. Why did he have to take the test? What is wrong with both of them? Is he wearing a boy scout?

Is he wet? He's 30 years old. She has got a longer hair. As a matter of fact, you know. She's a good 350. At least a 350. And he is a solid, ugliest shit. This guy lives in constant fear.

I mean, he has the greasiest hair I have ever seen. He looks like a Tim Burton character. She is going to beat him to death. And I love that she has the remote as well in this picture. He doesn't get to watch anything on TV. You want to watch something? Fucking ask me first, you piece of shit. Yeah, she goes

like a 350. She's just got the biggest toed fucking face that you ever see in your life. Long black hair. She's 42. He's 30. He's got long shoulder length hair. Most of it's gone up top. Sad.

He looks like Gallo, man. That's just like a psychological thing. That's just her bitching him. This is like some prison shit. I think that he likes it. I think that he likes it. You know, he likes to be, he likes a larger lady. I mean, he's an ugly son of a bitch.

He's a hideous man. He knows how hard it's going to be to get another girlfriend. That is what is keeping him in this relationship. But this girl is just so ugly. You know what? I'm just prison ruled. It's like when you get locked up and the bigger guy makes you walk around holding his belt loop. She's deep.

That's that. That's the thing. It's just like to keep you under a spell. Right. You know what? I kind of like it. I don't mind it. I like it too. I think this guy doesn't have much under a spell. Right. You know what? I kind of like it. I don't mind it. I like it, too.

This guy doesn't have much of a life. He probably goes to work at one of the last blockbusters in America. He comes home. I think that he's happy to have a lady. Blockbuster's done, bro. There's a couple of them that still exist. There's like two. Kevin Barnett, of course.

He took a couple of pictures in Florida when he was walking through a blockbuster. And it really was. Heart of blockbuster. It was like, what's that? Heart of blockbuster, Florida. Yeah. It was insane. But I think that he probably enjoys this chick. He's got it really was. Heart of blockbuster. It was like, what's that? Heart of blockbuster, Florida. Yeah, it was insane. But I think that he probably enjoys this chick.

Madly in love with him. Well, Debbie, who's originally from Dunoon, Argyle, spent 10 years in the U.S. before moving back to Port Glasgow, Renfrewshire in late 2010, following the breakdown of a relationship which left her devastated. She had another relationship before this one? Here in the United States. She came to the U.S., had a relationship here. What did that guy look like? Black dude. You didn't find him on Tinder?

No, her face isn't pretty enough to fuck a black dude. No, I actually think her face is pretty enough. What are you fucking talking about? You were saying this earlier. Her face is not that bad. Oh, by the way, Ben, our fucking sound man, is aggressively agreeing with me right now. You mean pretty Ben?

Aggressively agreeing with me. I don't think that is true. Yes, he is. No, he said no. Jay, look at her face. Let me see. She looks fucking disgusting. No, I'm telling you.

I'm telling you. You dropped her out. That is one of the ugliest women I've ever seen in my entire life. That's not what... She's like cartoon fat ugly. Shit cartoon fat ugly. She looks like the fat alien

in The Phantom Menace. And what's wrong with that? She looks like Donkey Kong or Caveman. Yeah. If R. Crumb drew a big fat woman that you would never want to fuck, it'd be her.

Yeah, man. He would want to fuck her. But anyway, no, she's got a cute face, strong jawline. Strong jawline? She doesn't have a strong jawline! It is important to remember that there is a jawline. She's got a heavy fat

line. She's got two chins. How the fuck does she have a jawline? Oh, I'm so sorry that I want a little bit more. I don't like a little more, but that is not where I want it. She has one chin, Che, but it's 35 pounds. It's a 35-pound chin. Her arms are wider than my head. No, I'm not going to defend this woman anymore.

But I do like a strong woman, and I enjoy that. I would love to watch her throw Marcus around. That's the thing. That would be amazing. I'd love to fight her throw Marcus around. That's the thing. That would be amazing. I'd love to fight her. She's got that fat wrist thing. Please fight for my honor. Please.

Just straight up fight. She's got that fat wrist thing going on with the big old fat forearms, big old bubbly ass arms. Next time a big woman comes charging you, Marcus, you just scream at her. No, thanks, man. It's a psychological thing, man. She's just trying to get in his head. It's some freaky shit that they go through. They love it. Yeah, it's probably hot for them. No, thanks, man. It's a psychological thing, man. She's just trying to get in his head. It's some freaky shit that they go through.

They love it. Yeah, it's probably hot for them. Oh, yeah. It's probably sexy. She said, I knew we were meant to be a couple when we shared our first kiss under London Bridge. I didn't mean to fall in love again after my last... Yeah, London Royal or the bridge where he found her. Am I right? Not that girl.

I'm happy no one made a troll joke about how she looks like a troll and that's why they kissed under her. No, that was a good troll joke. Thank you. I didn't make it. I'm happy that nobody did, though, because that would have been rude to her.

You missed it, Jackie. Jackie just came back from the bathroom and I said they share their first kiss under a London bridge. I said under it's a London broil. Ed was really happy about it. I don't even... Sounds very...

What, does she have bitch disease? was really happy about it. I don't even... What, does she have bitch disease? Now, if someone would have just brought that up earlier, I love it met under a bridge, because she's... But you imagine someone saying she looks like a troll or something.

Like a Billy Goat situation. Under there. God damn it. She said, we started to get serious and made plans to move in together, but I then discovered that Steve had been seeing another girl around the time we'd first met. He claimed he didn't think we were exclusive because of the distance, and I forgave him, but I started to doubt whether or not he could be faithful.

Debbie, who also suffers from bipolar and body dysmorphic disorders... Body dysmorphia? That's when you're skinny and you think you're fat. I guess you think she's skinny. He was seeing another girl when she bent down to pick up a Snickers bar. Body dysmorphia? That's the best goddamn disease this woman could have.

Are you kidding me? She added that her jealousy got worse when the pair moved in together as she tried to monitor Steve's every move. She installed childproof filters on his laptop and mobile phone to stop him looking at x-ray pictures of women and banned him from watching any television programs featuring

women. That's how you keep a man. I guess. She says she won't even let him watch The Weakest Link in case he fancies Ann Robinson. The Weakest Link? That hasn't been on in years. And she's ugly and old. She says she's scared he'll have a sneaky look when she's in the other room. A sneaky look?

That's why she decided to order a lie detector online. It's the only way of knowing for sure if his eyes were wandering. Fair enough. Oh, my goodness. And in general, he's quite truthful, but she has caught him lying a few times about looking at other women. I'll tell you what, the weakest link's on her hammock. Come on. The weakest link is on her hammock, yeah.

What on her hammock? I don't know. The weakest link. It's not good. It's fine. That is fucking fantastic joke writing. That's brilliant. That is awesome.

I watched the gears turn. Get this man on SNL. Jay, can you get him on SNL? How are you the writer? What the fuck is Lorne doing? That's great. He's not making mistakes. Can we just send him this episode, Jay?

Maybe we'll all get jobs. Yeah, yeah. I feel like he'd love my whole fucking... Why would he take me? He's already got the round table of the year three years ago. That's right. That is true. Yeah, that is true. He can already got the round table of the year three years ago. That's right. That is true. Yeah, that is true.

You can't get up from that. That is an elbow drop from the top rope. Oh, my God. I'm suffering from bitch's disease. All right. Jesus Christ. What's happening? I got it.

I got the disease. You do have it. I do. You definitely have it. You definitely have it. You definitely have it. You're the only one that I know that actually. I contracted it from your mothers. Why?

Oh, no. Why? Nobody knows. Is he bleeding again? Well, he's talking, so I feel like I'm bleeding. That's cool. Yes, she's been prescribed anti-anxiety medication and is having therapy to deal with her issues, after which she hopes to marry Steve, who proposed earlier this year.

Yikes. But she doesn't know if she can trust him. Not yet. But she has already taken his surname as her own, in anticipation of the wedding. And what's his surname? What's his name? Gobbly Gook. Skimble Pom.

Steven Wood. Steven Wood. And what's her first name? Debbie so it's gonna be Debbie Wood Debbie Wood that's a nice name

for a big old girl just keep him on a fucking leash yeah yeah but then he can't go out to the she likes that he has a job he can't go out to the shop to buy some hobnobs

how different is that than like a dominatrix like a guy that's really into a dominatrix well I think a dominatrix you pay you go get your balls stomped on and then when you leave

you're still the CEO of Viacom. But I mean... But I mean, psychologically, like, how much different is that than saying, like, a guy that really wants that to happen and a guy that wants a girl to just control him

and treat him like shit and not trust him? I don't think there is a big difference. It's not. I think it's, like, the same kind of fucking mindset. I think this guy is fucking slightly retarded.

He's definitely slightly retarded. And someone should have not let him leave the house, and he's taking it with me. I think he loves it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, all right, first of all, we are discounting that this guy is not a looker by any means. He's disgusting.

He's the greasiest hair I've ever seen in my entire life. I can't decide whether it's like he likes it, like a sub-dom situation, or it's literally one of those where like he masturbated in his room alone for so many years. Just gave the fuck up. One girl finally said yes and he's not going to let it go because he knows what it's going to be like. Then why is he fucking whining about it to the goddamn media? Just shut up and take it. Well, the only thing that he said, there are tons of quotes from this woman, but the only thing that

we hear from Steve is, sometimes I get nervous and the lie detector test results come back inconclusive because my heart is hammering, which makes Debbie doubt me. I just have to tell her I haven't cheated and pray she believes me. I'm willing to put up with it because I know we're soulmates. She is so special to me and a bit of a jealousy

here and there won't change that. This is the first girlfriend. She beats the fuck out of you. They have a good time, man. I love this woman. He's the first girlfriend he's ever had. I love Debbie, man. I had this, I mean, not to this degree, but... Well, he was apparently seeing someone when they first started dating. Oh, really? She does look

like a giant toe. Yeah, she's a big toe woman. I forgot who said it, but it was Ben. No, it wasn't me. Toed. Toed. Toed. Toed. Oh, I was thinking of toe. She looks like a fucking 340 pound big toe. Big toe.

Yeah. I say toe. Yeah, I say toe. Ben, what do you say it? Well, I mean, I feel like she looks like a woman that is somebody that you may or may not want to take out to a buffet. You really think that face is pretty. That face is not pretty.

I don't think that her face is pretty, but I like her antics. I feel like Bid has been with similar women in his past, so he's defending this woman's honor. I like a strong woman. Yeah, but at least those women were probably hot. 100 pounds. They weren't as ugly as she was, that's for damn sure. But yeah, I mean, you know, if our love was real, they would have grown into her. I just can't keep them long enough to get them fat enough for me to love

you're like the witch from Hansel and Gretel isn't that something I don't know how to cook though I don't know how to cook no I'm just trying to defend this woman because I think that she's actually doing a lot uh for this guy I mean yeah she's doing nothing I think she is his daily planner she's his iPhone largely this guy's fault for sticking with this relationship. I feel like the only sex they have is him just shoving his whole hand up inside of her pussy. That's probably the only thing that fits. He looks like one of those little skinny guys with huge dicks. You think so? He might have.

I know everyone went to high school with that little guy with the huge dick. Do we have his email? Can we hit him up? I can find it. All right, let's get his email. Let's find out how big his dick is. Steve Wood, Scotland. His name's Wood.

I'm curious about our listeners' dick sizes. If you want to send in your dick size, we don't even need pics, people. Just send in your dick size. Don't send pics. Please don't send any of them. Send pictures. Send pictures. Send pictures.

He probably does have a giant penis. I can't believe God is that cruel. Our ratio of tits to dicks is two to one right now. Two to one. And who has received the most beautiful fucksum? We got two pairs of tits and only one dick. Well, call me fucking lover boy right now. Send your tits.

Yeah, capecomeradioradio.com if you are 18 or older. But I did receive a great bosom pic from a woman who is not, she is of age, she's 20, I believe. We'll call her Buxom Betty Ross. And she wrote quite a few things for likes. Tall, red gingers, such as myself, comedy, horror movies. Oh, you forgot tall, red-headed whites with really flabby, loose skin. I didn't forget about it. I just purposely left it out.

But then her dislikes were Holden McNeely. And that was it. So that was kind of fun. So I kind of liked her. And then she sent a nice picture of her breasts. Well, no, I mean, I can't get it up on my phone. I mean, I can get it up up here. But thank you so much for...

No, this is just between me and the girl. I don't want to share her with these animals. Why can't I see her? You don't get this? Is it coming to radio? I want to see. With the subject, Kissel. Sounds like it's for all of us. I would like to see her breasts You don't get this on the radio? With the subject, Kissel.

Sounds like it's for all of us. I would like to see her in press. It is definitely for all of us. No. She said the kid

comedy radio is for all of us. Yeah, and you talked about it on the show. Yeah, you're the one that just brought it up. She said it to the kid comedy radio. She kind of just

undersold herself. No. Okay, no. We're not looking at the picture. I want to see some tits. We won't say her name. We'll look at her tits

when I go see her name. Show both of them, Marcus. Betsy Ross is great at knitting. She is great at knitting, yes. She knit the American flag. I don't think it was knitting. I think it was just quilting. They're just beautiful.

Marcus, don't show everybody. How many nipples? Just show us. I feel like this is going to hurt the girl's feelings. The war has been lost. They're great titties. They're great. I mean, I feel like this is going to hurt the girl's feelings. Oh, those are nice. They're great. Oh, yeah, they are great. Oh, I like just the tip of the nipple. We didn't say your name. All right. Well, thank you

very much. Dislikes include holes in midfielders. I fucking love you, bitch. I know who you are, but I love you. What is it about me? Is it my voice? Well, today you actually sound fairly good. Yeah, beautiful gal. What is it about me? Is it my voice? Well, today you actually sound fairly good. Yeah.

Beautiful gal. Hey, I got to have them. I mean, we got to show them to the round table of the year. Yeah. Yeah, he deserves that. I approve of your titties. That's very nice. That's a huge honor, titties lady.

That is nice. Man, I should be sending in pictures of my breasts under different aliases just to fucking get you guys. Make you guys sick. We should have a new round titty of the year award. Round titty of the year. I'm so glad nobody made that joke. I'm so happy. That's perfect.

That would have been so easy for someone to do. Yeah. I mean, really not that easy because it's so dumb. So many things didn't happen on this show that I'm really happy about. Oh, that's right. Thanks, Greg. Dodged a lot of bullets today. We dod't happen on this show that I'm really happy about. Oh, thanks, Bryce. Thanks, Bryce. Dodged a lot of bullets today. We dodged a lot of bullets.

I'm really proud of that. I'm proud of all of you. I want to congratulate everybody here for all the things that happened today. The worst said, the worst said. We matrixed the fuck out of those bullets. We really did. Bill, what do you have to say to this buxom young woman who hit you? I already told her.

I think she's wonderful. Your personality is sparkling you're brilliant and your breasts are great and you know thank you did you jerk off to the picture sure why not i'll fucking jack off to a whole series of different kinds of things i jack off to just nice messages i jack off to a like on Facebook. Really? Sure. That's an easy thing to jerk off to. It is the easiest. It's a hard thing to jerk off to. How often do you... To jack off?

I go once a week. Once a week. That's it. I don't believe that. That's all I do with my life. Once a week. I have a little time. I cry nay on that. You're going to cry nay? Nay. I live with Ben Kissel, and I masturbate five out of seven days, I would say.

Cool. I would say that I've never known Ben Kissel to be a liar. I've known him to be many things, but never a liar. What about that time with the fucking... Yeah. He lied to the police. He lied to the cops and he did. And I was being almost kidnapped. That's a fucking mastermind murderer.

How much do you masturbate, Ben? Tell us. I want to know the fucking truth. I'm at about once a week. Once a week. Once or twice a week. I probably do three times a week. I'm like once a week.

I'm the only one who does five out of what? I do three. I do three. Maybe twice every three weeks. I got to do it like clockwork. Sometimes I like to go out with a loaded gun. It makes me more charming when I actually have the desperate fucking human desire to actually fuck. I feel so worried to cum after.

It is a sense of urgency. I like my dick and balls to be like a deflated balloon. Yeah, well, I mean, you're born low. You're borderline married. Start low and hard. Yeah. Yeah. I'm three times weak myself. Three times? Yeah.

You know, I used to be about- How much you get it off, Jack? I used to be like six. Pretty much every day. Really? Yeah. I used to be there. I know, right?

Thank you, Jackie, for the love of fucking Christ. Yeah, I mean, it's just important, though, when you're going out- Ben, the sound man, show of fingers, how many times you beat off a week? Four. Four. a week? Four. Four. All right. Four. One, four, three, two, five.

We're going high. We're going fucking high. It's fucking four. At least four. I'm with you, Ben. Are we doing a segment? This is it. Are we doing a segment?

That's the segment? It's the masturbation segment. He's got a nosebleed, man. His brain's half fucking in our goddamn sink right now. We got to add something to it or something. All right, if you were to get some scuba gear, what kind of scuba gear would you get? Did you want that? The fucking scuba gear conversation?

The best kind. You win. You win, Ed. Ed's the winner. You win the fucking thing. Okay. All right, well, that's Jackie Zabrowski. We're just gonna end it.

Yeah, I don't know. There's just no segment. There was no segment because Holden fucking bled out in his fucking mind. I got a segment. Okay. Okay, what's your fucking segment?

All right. Of course! Of course! Shut up, Eddie. I don't want to hear it. It's ready to go with the segment. Okay, Mr. Che. No, let's not.

All right, no. Well, I have a serious question because now I'm curious. What is the strangest thing that you've masturbated to? And why was it so strange? Have you ever gone back? That's a fucking good one. It's just being in the presence of brightness.

I don't want to start with Jackie because she's the only lady, so we'll save her for the middle. I want to start with Mr. Big. I can't even begin. Strangest thing you've ever masturbated to. I mean, it's just so much. All right, then give me one. You know what? I just don't even prefer to.

I would say it's something that I've looked at. I mean, I don't know. Some Sasha Gray stuff or something like that. Oh, that's dirty. I mean, I don't know. Women in my fucking bed? I mean, I have no fucking idea. That is weird.

Women just laying next to you? Didn't you make girls pee on the ground and you jerked off to them peeing on the ground? I didn't jerk off to them peeing on the ground, Ed. That is fascinating shit. All right, you know what? I'll take the bar weird. I'll go weird because I'm not proud of this,

but it's a true thing that fucking happened. Well, you go what? I'll take the bar weird. I'll go weird because I'm not proud of this, but it's a true thing that fucking happened. Well, you go and then I'll go. I saw, you know, as I used to do a show here with some strange porn shit, and I saw a lot of strange porn and some animal stuff and everything. And I've never done anything with animal porn. But one time I was in Central Park and I saw a white lady with a really large dog. And I could not get out of my head what that lady might be like and I masturbated to her fucking the dog? Not her

fucking the dog but that she would fuck the dog. So you jacked off to her fucking the dog? I jacked off to potential freakness. So you jacked off to her sucking on the dog's dick? Not exactly. The dog mounting her? No just that she fucking got off.

Some David Parker ratio. I once beat off in the Orange Bowl. What do you mean the Orange Bowl? The Orange Bowl. The stadium? The stadium, yes. It was raining and we were all wearing ponchos. And I beat off right in my seat.

Wow. That's good. That's pretty amazing. That's kind of fascinating. I'd say this is a combination of the lamest and weirdest by proximity. I used to beat off to the Jessica Simpson music video for, fuck, what was the name of that really bad movie? It used to be a TV show with the brothers that drive the fast car. Dukes of Hazzard?

Dukes of Hazzard. Oh, with the Daisyisy do the daisy duke and she did a video where she was like scrubbing down this car with a big sponge and a pink bikini and he used to beat off to it but every other shot of that music video was of willie nelson because she was singing the song with willie nelson yeah yeah we were older at this point we were like we were 27 yeah i was in college i was in college beating off to this thing. To Willie Nelson? No, no.

It was just right. You can't look at your phone and then fucking jump into the fucking conversation. I had a thing I had to take care of. I'm saying. And then, yeah. So, yeah, exactly. So I used to beat off this music video. So, I mean, half the time I'm looking at Willie Nelson.

And then also, same kind of deal. I was actually thinking about this earlier. I used to beat off to a agent provocateur commercial with Kylie Minogue where she'd ride this mechanical bull. Oh, yeah, yeah. I jerked it to that one. But that old lady is sitting in the corner the whole time, and at the end she has that maniacal laugh. She's like, ah, ha, ha, and she's like this gross old lady.

So I'd be rewinding this video, and I kept having to look at this nasty old lady with all this gross makeup on laughing at my face while I was beaten off, you know, to Kylie Minogue. It was just very upsetting. I fucking love it, man. Night of the Demons. Oh, I remember Night of the Demons with the lipstick and the nipples. Oh, yeah. She's putting her thumbs through the guy's eyes, but you can see her tits.

Oh, yeah. She's riding him, but she's like putting his eyes out with her thumbs to the guy's eyes but you can see her tits. Oh yeah. She's riding him but she's like putting his eyes out with her thumbs but her tits are wonderful. I wish I was an editor. And Mona from

Who's the Boss? You beat off to Mona? Really? Yeah. Oh I can see that. I used to beat off to Daisy Fuentes when she hosted

America's Funniest Videos. I honestly have a similar situation with Loveline. That chick that was on Loveline, but it was always Carolla and Dr. Drew, so I fucking probably nutted multiple times to fucking Carolla's face. This is disgusting.

Kelly Bundy, man. Oh, shit. Kelly Bundy. The mother from Goof Troop. She had a big ass. They're all good. They're all good. They're all good people.

Jackie, what do you got for us? Jackie. We're due. I mean... The mom from Goof Troop, I think. I think that definitely wins, but I

masturbated when I was done with my SAT to the guy that was giving the SATs because I was done so early, so I just masturbated in my seat. In the seat, and then you squirted all over the place. Yeah, but I had like an hour to go. You thought the guy was hot? Yeah, he was really hot, so I just thoughtated in my seat. In the seat? And then you squirted all over the place? Yeah, but I had like an hour to go. You thought the guy was hot?

Yeah, he was really hot. So I just thought about that. I thought about him just fucking me in front of everybody else. Oh, that's hot. While they were finishing their SATs. Yeah, so. Oh, that's like. It's actually kind of erotic.

Yeah, it's kind of erotic. Yeah, that was. That's actually, that's not that weird. You should tell that story slower sometime. Yeah, I kind of like it. Yeah, that is hot. Marcus actually, that's not that weird. You should tell that story slower or something. Yeah, I kind of like it. Yeah, that is not Willie Nelson. Marcus will slow that down a little bit. Put some sex in his mouth.

That's pretty hot. Marcus, where's the weirdest place you've ever been off? The weirdest place? No, no, the weirdest thing he's been off to. Oh, the weirdest thing I've ever been off to, I'd say I had this issue of Club Confidential, which is a pretty hardcore porno mag. It was my only porno mag at the time. And so I jerked it to everything in the magazine except for this one spread, which was a pregnant woman.

And in it, she was pumping her breast milk and pouring it all over herself. And I'd always skip past it. pouring it all over herself. And I'd always skip past it. But after a while, you get kind of tired of jerking off to the same thing over and over again. Of course. When you're like 13, 14,

you're doing it like three times a day, and so you just get a little bit tired a little faster, and so I started jerking off to the pregnant porn. Okay. That lasts about a week. Is that still hot to you in some way? Because do you have some residue from that?

Not really. Give the milk to the baby. You know? In all fairness, I'll be honest, there is not much things better than big, fat pregnant titties. Oh, I was talking about it the other day. They're so beautiful. They are beautiful. Hold it. How do you feel about big,

fat pregnant titties? I can't even begin. I don't want to get another nosebleed, brother. Yeah, it's going to happen. It's going to get my blood going a little too much, so I can't even begin to just... Puppy likes to give his mommy dips. All right, well, continue to send your boob pics into Cave Comedy Radio.

We'll look at them and talk about them, and you're beautiful, and thank you guys so much for listening. That's Jackie Zabrowski, Ed Lawson, Alderman Neely, Kevin Barnett.

My panties, my panties. No, it's not. Oh, damn. Is in Florida right now sitting in for him was Michael Che. Thank you, Michael, for being here.

That was a good save. Yeah, you're so much better. Hey-oh! Of course, Marcus Parks and I'm Ben Gissel and then Ben with the sound and again, second episode in a row

where Ben agreed with everything that I said. That is not true. Don't believe that at all. He's much more attractive than you are. He's not that much more attractive. He is. He agreed with me when I said that. I don't think that's true. Good night.

Good night.