The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 175: Mr. Funnytongue

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

Today on the Round Table: a woman in Virginia is almost killed by a flying deer, a man in Kenya is forced to face his goat victim in court, and a man in Texas tries to use a sword to get free tacos. Joining us today: the organizers of the Brooklyn Comedy Festival!

The round table. Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds. Lay out, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen, what's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility.

Alright, yeah, I'm on prayer. Alright,ility. Alright. Alright, yeah. I'm on prayer. Alright, Mark. Zippy's up. Do some prayer. Today I'm going to read The Prayer of the Goat. That's exciting. Lord! Give me more cans. I want to eat the cans.

That's the whole... That's it, Eddie. How'd you know? Lord, let me live as I will. I need a little wild freedom, A little giddiness of heart The strange taste of unknown flowers For whom else are your mountains Your snow wind These springs

The sheep do not understand Fuck them sheep They graze and graze All of them And always in the same direction And then eternally Chew the cud of their insipid routine. But I, I love to bound to the heart of it all your marvels, leap your chasms, and my

mouth stuffed with intoxicating grasses, quiver with an adventurer's delight on the summit of the world. Amen. That's disgusting. Were they just trying to get God hard? What's the point of that prayer? It's like goats climb mountains just so they can try to get closer to God's dick. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's great. Everybody knows snow is just God's semen after the goats arouse them enough. Cold inside. Yeah. Yeah. Welcome to the round table of gentlemen, everybody. All right. Let's go through the routine of who's around the round table.

Jackie Zebrowski, honk, honk, I'm a Christmas ham. Everybody, I got the Christmas spirit. I'm a Christmas ham. That's amazing. Yeah, man, put brown sugar on me, I'm a Christmas ham. I love a good honking ham. That's a perfect honking ham. I think we have to kill the ham.

No, come on. That's okay. Don't fucking kill me, you piece of shit. Wait till Christmas. All right. Well, you were a beautiful ham, Jackie. Thank you. And you look like you're going to taste wonderful on Christmas. Yummy, yummy, I'm a good ham.

Get in my ham size. I'm Ed Larson. All right. I'm Holden McNeely, and Jackie is drunk. I am not. I have never been drunkNeely, and Jackie is drunk. I am not. I have never been drunk in my life. That's good. It's a good, clean show here, Jackie.

So sober up. Okay, I'm sober. I actually don't think you're drunk. I was too drunk last week, and I apologize to everybody. I don't think that you were too drunk, Ed. You were having a good time. The Miami Dolphins won a big football game. Still in a great mood.

They did it again. I won again. Yeah, the Dolphins were playing that day. We're fine with it. That's okay. And of course, Ed, you are the Dolphins' good luck charm. You were in Pittsburgh this week and you watched them play the Steelers, obviously. In the snow. In the snow.

And they barely squeaked it out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But they ended up winning. Yeah, man. That's exciting. Oh, and by the way, I have no problem with Jackie being drunk. I'm just pointing out what's fun. Why are you saying it? Kevin, what's wrong with your hair? What's wrong with it? He did it in twists.

Well, let's ask about what's right. I don't think I did a lot of things. You look like an anime character. That's always what he's wanted to look like. This is my dream. Why are you insulting me for achieving my dreams? No, no, no, I didn't. I just said, I just said, what is, I'm sorry, what is a skew with your beautiful hair?

I just turned, I just turned super saiyan, but black. See, that is happening. You did something different with your hair, though, right? Oh, yes. What, is there a name to your hairstyle? Is there a name? This is twist. I got this thing.

You make twists with it. And that ends the new segment on Roundtable. Ask a black man about his hair. I love that segment. That was informative and wonderful. So we know Kevin's here now. I'm going to get a twist. You can't.

Yeah, I can. Well, okay. Probably good. Yeah. I believe in you, man. All right. In the Chuggle Hut, we got the producers of the Brooklyn Comedy Festival, and they have a great show.

It's the Brooklyn Comedy Festival holiday party this Friday. Winter Wonderlandia. Winter Wonderlandia. It's a fucking great lineup, man. It's an amazing lineup. So we got Ashley Walker here. Thanks for being here, Ashley. You're welcome.

Okay, that was great. On point. Chris Nestor. Thank you, Chris. Hey, it's an honor and a pleasure, you guys. You're beautiful, Chris. Oh, stop. I'll tell you, Chris. Hey, it's an honor and a pleasure, you guys. You're beautiful, Chris. Oh, stop. I'll tell you, man.

You should fucking go dig up Kurt Cobain's body and kiss him because he's gotten you a lot of pussy. You look just like him. You look just like this guy. Back in the day, you were ugly, but then all of a sudden this guy comes around and starts singing some grunge. All the girls get wet. You look similar to him.

How much pussy did you bang simply because they thought you looked like the lead singer of Nirvana? He was four when he killed himself. Well, that's fine, but I'm saying now, history exists. He's still alive in the minds of a lot of ladies. They probably like him more now than ever. Yeah, no, the 90s were great. Just sexual.

I was born in 86, peaked sexually in 95. Perfect. Perfect. Just saying you're attractive. That's all I was trying to say. Well, don't be a dick about it. You just have a funny way of saying things. No, that was nice.

I guess it was. It wasn't mean. I didn't think it was very nice, though. I thought it was kind of nice. Yeah, thank you, Kevin. That was nice. I see the world through different eyes now, man. I got twists.

That's what it's called? It's just called a twist? Yeah, a twist. It's just a twist. Multiple A twist It's just a twist Multiple twists You just literally You just twist it With your hands

Julian Keon Can you do that I'm sorry Yeah you can He did it Wow You didn't get some chick To do it for you

And claim like He doesn't know how to Here's what happened Okay If you want the long story of it What happened was I went home for Thanksgiving As y'all know

I have a small fro That I wear all the time Right My cousin shows up, and he has a fro immaculate. Just bigger, stronger, better in every way. Oh my goodness. My back was against the wall, man. I was trapped.

And out of necessity, my other cousin gave me twist. She's like, I can't have you go out like that. I couldn't sit across the table from her with him just outclassing me like that. I was outclassed. I was outmatched, alright? Took him out. But my brother has this thing where normally it takes like two hours to do this by hand.

My brother has this thing you can do it in like five minutes. It's like a sponge with holes in it. And I got that myself. Fuck yeah. Came in the mail Saturday. Did you buy it on television? Is it an infomercial type thing?

It is. Here's all types of videos of people getting it done real quick. It's very exciting. Oh, that's great. Well, congratulations. It looks great. It looks very nice. Yeah, I like it. Well, congratulations. It looks great. It looks very nice.

Yeah, I like it. Yeah, it does. And who else looks very nice? You've got our white approval. That's good. And every black man desperately wants it. Nice hair. Julian Kiani is here as well.

Hi. Thank you. Thank you for being here. I'm sorry. It's just the hair, you know? You have nice hair as well, Julian. Thanks. There's no twist. Absolutely. In's just the hair. You have nice hair as well, Julie. Thanks. There's no twist.

Absolutely. In the mail or whatever. The Brooklyn Comedy Festival holiday party is this Friday the 13th starting at 9 p.m. at what's the venue? Well, the doors are at 7.30. The doors are at 7.30. No, no. You've got to say things wrong.

That's as important as the host. That's my trick. It's at the Paperbox. Paperbox. Paperbox. Yeah, right off the Grand or the... Montrose. Montrose, L-Stop, yeah.

That's amazing. The Cowmen are playing. Yeah, Cowmen, Rufus, all the groups I'm in, so I'm doing good in that regard. Right?

So I'm limping it up right now. I feel like I could punch like eight bullies in the face right now and they'd go cry and they'd say sorry. Yeah, they would. I'm sure they would. They'd say sorry. Yeah, they would. I'm sure they would.

They would say sorry. Yeah, Ed and I will also be hosting a show in the... The B stage. The shitty stage. Yeah, perfect. Chris and Julian are doing the good one. Well, that makes sense. They produced it.

We're just going to be up there farting around, and of course I'm Ben. It's so ugly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's get bumped off the page. What acts are on the B stage? Like Lang Flanagan and fucking Burt Skirvish? I got this cat woman. Oh, yeah, yeah. Let's get bumped off the B. So what acts are on the B stage? Like Lang Flanagan? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Burt Skirvish? I got this cat woman.

Oh, that's great. I love cat woman. Yeah, she takes a bunch of cats and hits them together. Oh, I love the way it sounds, though. A surprisingly good sound. Ching Chong Twins. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't worry, the cats are long dead before she shows up. Oh, good. Good, good, good. And we'll eat them at the end of the

show, which that'll be exciting. That is disturbing. It is. Oh, good. Good, good, good. And we'll eat him at the end of the show. That is disturbing. It is. Alright, I'm Ben Kissel. Nailing it as the host. Per usual. So again, Pine Box. Paper Box. The New Jersey Comedy Festival at the Pine Box this Thursday.

Paper Box. 11.30pm. Don't miss it. Right here in Staten Island. Marcus Parks, give us some news, 11.30 p.m. Don't miss it. Right here in Staten Island. All right. Marcus Parks, give us some news, buddy. Well, I did our prayer today in honor of our first news story. A man found guilty of having sex with a goat has been jailed for 10 years after facing his victim in court. Too tough.

Oh, man. That's rough. This punishment's too long. 10 years for having sex with a goat. Who brought the goat to court? The owner. Yeah, naturally. Sao Gona, 28, was last week admitted sexually abusing the animal in the Kenyan town of Malindi.

The female goat watched quietly in the corner of the courtroom as her attacker was jailed for bestiality. I'll do it again! He loved that goat. He was caught when a local resident found him naked in a field having sex with a grazing goat who was tied up. The goat's owner was alerted and arrived at the scene with other residents who also witnessed Gona having sex with the animal. That's long fucking. That's a marathon. I feel like all goats consent.

It's a real Fifty Shades of Goat situation here. I think it was all tied up, grazing, having a good time, and it got pleasure from the back end. This is a dream come true. Sex while eating. Right, Jackie? Oh, man, I fucking wish. Yeah. Was it a female goat?

It was. It was a female goat. He could have had her on her back getting her like that. Do you think he made a point to pick a female goat versus a male goat? Absolutely. Of course. He was extremely lucky that day. The goat has the vagina

that is closest to a human. Is that right? I thought that was a pig. Nope. You've been doing it all wrong, Ed. You've been fucking all the wrong farm animals, Eddie. I feel like we've been over that, man.

Y'all got to remember the important things. Yeah, that's true. We've had long discourses about this situation. Oh, yeah, and by the way, this is our 175th episode. Oh, no. That's a good number. this situation. Oh, yeah, and by the way, this is our 175th episode. Oh, no!

That's a good number. Holy Lord. Oh, my God. And the sponsors keep on coming in, you know? We're not aging. Everything's good. Everything's going great. How old are you, Kissel?

What's that? How old? Either way, Wednesday, the New Jersey Comedy Festival. It's going to be huge. Wednesday, the New Jersey Comedy Festival. It's going to be huge. 6.33 p.m. right over there in the Bronx. I'm not drunk.

Nope. It's all good. Come and get your synthetic goat pussies. Indeed. New sponsor of the Roundtable Gentleman. That would be great if it exists. That would be awesome. Can we get that? Kissel, can you get that for us?

I'll find out. We'll just buy a bunch of them and start selling them ourselves. Yeah, just put a little horn on a flesh... Will we cut a bunch of a goat? Fucking punch 20 bullies in their fucking heads. All right, well, the bullies aren't listening, Holden, so it's fine. Don't even worry about it. You hear that, Hunter Bodycott?

I mean, Julian, what do you think? Hunter Bodycott, that was your big bully? Absolutely. So you were bullied by the nerdiest man from England? Is that what happened? Hunter body caught? You hear that, Marc Chaton? These are real bullies.

Oh, yeah? Yeah. Well, you definitely showed them. They're doing great. One's a lawyer. You just had a nosebleed for an entire week. I feel like your bullies had a reason to bully you. Therefore, I definitely have bullies.

Right. What do you think, though, Julian? Ten years for having sex with a goat? This isn't the worst thing that happened to a goat in Kenya this week. I mean, ten years. Certainly not. Definitely not. I mean, I've been doing a lot of reading about it, too.

And it's not the worst thing. That's all I've got to say about that. Well, you know, that's why. That's the main stage. Julian, right there. Julian. Word of truth. I feel like it would be worse if he married it.

Why? Made it be his wife and cook him dinner and raise his children. Yeah, that's a good point. That is very true. Thank you very much. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I can't believe they brought the goat to court, though.

That seems strange. It's odd. It's Kenya. Court is outside anyway. Did the goat to court, though. That seems strange. It's odd. It's Kenya. Court is outside anyway. Did the goat dress up for court? Was the goat the judge? That's the problem, yeah. He raped the judge. We're talking about backwards Kenya here, right?

Oh, yeah. Nagona told the court his wife is disabled and depends on him, but was nevertheless jailed for 10 years. Wow. So he's a disabled wife at home. he's been taking care of her all this time he just needed to get off on the closest thing that was possible to get off on which is a goat's pussy uh without cheating on his wife because technically you know it's a different species also that's not cheating fuck his wife right disabled means can't fuck i think not i mean if you're if you're a woman and you're paralyzed from the waist down, can you get wet? You don't know what her disability is.

Well, let's just say that we don't know. She could just be illiterate. That's true. Maybe dyslexic. She's slightly cross-eyed. That's enough. Yeah, but Julian, would you want to fuck a woman that was slightly cross-eyed? Absolutely. No way. Thank you.

Throw them all Eddie's way if you find one. But this is a question, though, because I don't know. Guys can't get hard if they're paralyzed below the waist, right? Sometimes they can. Sometimes they can. So a woman, then, theoretically, a woman could get what? Yes, absolutely. Well, a man who is disabled from the waist down, mentally, he can get hard.

If there is something that is turning him on, then he can still get hard. So he can get the blood to go down there, huh? If he had Friday night lights, he couldn't ejaculate because that would hurt his bladder. You haven't watched far enough into the show. Oh my god, I have so much to learn. Spoiler alert. You're not gonna... You just don't even

know what's gonna happen with Jason Street's penis. I have so much to learn. Alright, so anything else going on with this goat? The goat's okay. The guy's in prison for 10 years. Kenya's safe. Everything's fine. Okay.

Next up, an aggravated man leapt from an upper-level mall balcony to his death because his girlfriend refused to stop shopping. I love this guy. What an American hero. He's a martyr. We would be shopping, man. We would be shopping. What's his name?

He fucking followed through on a promise. Yes, he did. Fine. I was telling his friends, like, you know, the next time we go in there, man, the next time I'm fucking jumping off the stairs. An eyewitness said he told her she already had enough shoes, more shoes than she could wear in a lifetime, and it was pointless buying any more. She started shouting at him, accusing him of being a skinflint,

and of foiling Christmas. It was a really heated argument. a skinflint and of spoiling Christmas. It was a really heated argument. A skinflint. You never heard that? No, I never heard of it. She's a cheapskate. Oh, come on. She had more shoes than she could wear in a lifetime.

Yeah. What do you want from this guy? Women need shoes for every event. In China, they bind their feet so they don't need shoes. This happened in China. That's what I'm saying. Oh, my God. They just need smaller shoes.

Yeah, they need a bunch of shoes still, I think. No, no, no. I just feel like it's super suicide happy over there. They just love killing themselves over there. Give me a reason. They make a choice and they go with it. They have a whole full, I guess that's Japan or is that China where they have a forest dedicated to

suicide? Same. Fucking, I mean, I'm not any forest. Tao Xiao 38 was at the Golden Suicide. Same disease. Fucking, I mean, I'm not going to give you any reasons. I think it's any four. Tao Xiao, 38, was at the Golden Eagle International Shopping Center in Juzhou, China, for five hours on December 7th when his lady insisted that they check out another shoe store. Tao apparently could not handle any more name-calling or shopping, for that matter. Security footage shows Tao, in an apparent burst of anger, throw the shopping bags to the ground before jumping over the seventh-floor railing.

I mean, it ain't for yourself, you know? What news source is this? This is Daily News. Hey, man, who wouldn't kill themselves to get on the Daily News? Exactly. Who wants to be a star? I mean, you know, in China, the Chinese folks are relatively new to capitalism. I mean, this is a new event for this man.

He's one of the first guys. He's the first real casualty of capitalism. He's a pioneer. He's a trailblazer. His plan is like, man, a year ago, I was working in these rice fields. This is awful. Also, it's the seventh floor of the mall. How many floors?

Oh, this poor guy. I didn't think about that. Oh, fucking day. I'm getting down. Leave him at home. That's what you got your bitches for. No, but he was carrying all the bags. He was just a glorified mule.

Yeah, that's why you get a wheelchair. But you're in China. Marry a fucking robot. Carry the bags around. That sounds great. They got hyper technology over there. They're better than us. You live in China.

Move away. Yeah. Move out of there. Try. They won't let you, but try. Try to. And you're talking about capitalism, Ben. Poetically, he crashed into holiday decorations on the ground floor and died upon impact.

Oh, my God. That's pretty fucking awesome. That's a little gift he gave himself for Christmas. I know it was probably like a tree and fake presents and stuff, but I do wish it was a fucking yarmulke or whatever. Not a yarmulke, but a menorah. Yeah, you got just fucking sliced. We're right on top of that thing.

It is interesting. It's pretty progressive for China now. Was it a Christian tree and shit like that? It only says holiday decorations. No, it was just holiday decorations. They'll do anything to sell more shit. Yeah. I mean, I feel like this guy,

he speaks for a lot of individuals. He's sort of, you know, fuck the guy who lit himself on fire in Tiananmen Square. This guy is really... Did that happen? Yeah. This guy is really... No, no, no, you're confusing. Whatever!

It doesn't matter! It doesn't matter! I don't know what he's talking about. It's like the cover of the Rage Against the Machine album, right? Fuck it. Oh, the tank guy! No, the tank guy! Okay, I'm Oh, the tank guy. No, the tank guy. Okay, I'm talking about the tank guy in Tiananmen Square.

He didn't commit suicide as much. He just got run over by a tank. Well, he ended up going back to prison. He didn't choose it. They stopped and they put him in prison and tortured him and killed him. I thought they ran him over and then killed everyone around him. No, no. He was just never seen or heard from again.

So you assume he was lit on fire in prison. Anyway, this guy is my new hero. Anyway, check out the New Brunswick Comedy Festival this Tuesday, 4.39 p.m. I hear they're releasing live scorpions into the audience. Live scorpions. It's on the seventh floor. On the seventh floor. I hear if you show up with food, they take it from you and beat you with it.

That's right. I've got another mall story. This one back in America. Instead of writing her a letter or giving her a phone call, a lovesick husband took the rather unusual step of throwing $1,000 worth of single dollar bills off a shopping center balcony in an attempt to win back his estranged wife. That's amazing, man. You fucking made it rain inside of a mall.

Oh, yeah. Sergei Dorobyov had hoped to impress his wife with a stunt. Oh, God, they're Russian. Well, it's in America. It's in America. But they are Russian. We live in a diverse country. Where do you get $1,001 bills?

Russia. Oh, come on. You know, after hearing that story, that's the first time I actually believe that hip-hop is destroying this world. He was accompanied by performers singing Dean Martin's classic Christmas song, Let It Snow, but was instead reprimanded by police for disorderly conduct. The 29-year-old was banned from the Mall of America in Minnesota for a year. Oh, my God. Gave away $1,000 in a mall and they banned him?

I know. People are going to use that money. They're going to turn it right around. They're going to go to Build-A-Bear and buy one of those things and shit like that. I got banned from a mall in Kansas City for three months. What'd you do? What'd you do? Well, it was kind of not really a mall.

It's like this place called Power and Light District in Kansas City, Missouri and it's a bunch of bars. Okay. But you have to, you like go in and it's like a mall of bars and I got too drunk one night.

The best mall I've ever heard of. They drunk arrested me and they banned me for three months. So they were drunk and you were sober. They drunk arrested you. Yeah.

It was very, very bad words. And you and I got to start dressing up like cops and get wasted and drunk arrest people. You're getting drunk arrested. I'm not a cop, you're a cop. You're right, I am a cop.

And you're not a cop. You're under drunk arrest. So, do you remember what you were doing to get drunk arrested? I think I tried to get back into the same place I had gotten kicked out of like three different times. Ah, yeah. That's standard.

It was a good bar. I just wanted to have fun. Sounds like a great bar, actually. I was in college. I was in college. I just do great things and have fun. Exactly. That's not if I've ever been thrown out of a bar.

Really? I don't know if I have. Have you been politely asked to leave? I've been thrown out of several. He's been not let in a bunch. I'm good at, yeah. I's been not let in a bunch. I'm good at, yeah. I've been not let in a bunch. He's been tied up in front of a bar a lot when his owner goes in there.

They're like, no goats allowed. He's like, I'll just tie up my goat. And they're like, yeah, tie him up outside, please. Henry and I got kicked out of a Forever 21 and banned for six months because we kept trying on extra, extra small clothes. That's a similar thing at the buckle. And we would try them on and go out in front of the mirror. And it's just way too, stretching out all the clothes.

And we weren't allowed back in for six months. How old were you guys? We were in high school, you know. Wow. At the time. Too fat. Just the two of you? Yeah.

Just entertaining yourselves? Yeah, we were just like, let's see how small these clothes are. And we both had 100 pounds on us at the time. Yeah, you guys were way larger. Yeah, really big. Man, we ruined all the clothes. That's really... And technically, I don't think you've done anything wrong.

No, we didn't steal them. You just didn't know how big you were. We just wanted to see how small the clothes were. Yeah. You know? You just didn't know how big you were. We just wanted to see how small the clothes were. Yeah. Me and my best friend growing up. You probably made some girls who felt fat feel very good when they went and they tried on the extra small. They're like, it fits. Yeah.

I can't believe it fits me. We made a lot of people feel good about themselves. Yeah. I just love the idea of the security kicking y'all out, but then feeling really horrible for you. Yeah, but our hands were covered in cheese from the Auntie Anne's pretzels. Oh, you fat fucking Zebrowskis. That is the fattest story I have ever heard. So fucking good, man.

How many shirts did you guys get to try on before security was like, they're too fat to be trying those on? A lot. A lot of them. They didn't care that we were doing it for a long time. This is back in the day at high school. You had nothing better to do than do this for hours. Yeah. What else were we going to do? Eat Auntie Anne's pretzels.

I mean, you did that already. Stretch out all the clothes of Forever 21. This is before liquor. Sober as the day is long. This is why it's good that Jackie drinks. It's much, much better. For all clothing stores around. That's for sure.

Eddie, you were going to have a story about? I was saying, me and my best friend growing up, we used to just go to the shopping mall and try to get kicked out of every store. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'd just do crazy things, just do chair bowling at Office Max, set up all the chairs in the back into a pin, and then we'd just get on a chair and fly towards it, and whoever knocked over the most chairs won until we got kicked out.

That's great. So you played one round? You'd be surprised how many times they let you do it before they finally come over and kick you out. That's the thing. It took us a long time to get out. No one wants to deal in retail. No one wants that shit.

Kevin, do you think it was an accident? Let's give him the benefit of the doubt. Kevin, do you think that we're dealing with a situation of white privilege here? About white privilege? Getting kicked out? Yeah. I mean, black people don't have to work to get kicked out of a store. Oh, no, no, no.

Like, white people are literally human bowling and putting on shirts. They're obviously not the right size. Dude, I honestly, I mean, I might have said this story before, but I honestly got kicked out of a mosh pit one time just for being reasonable. Out of a mosh pit? Yeah, yeah. It was a mosh pit going on, and me and my friend Juan was just standing in the middle

of it, completely stale. Cops came and grabbed us up. Like, you guys need to get out of here. You're causing a problem. Dude, too peaceful. You were being too peaceful? That was before the twist? Oh, it is long before the twist, man.

Oh, my God. What concert was it? It was one of those things where there's a bunch of different things going on, and we just happened to walk in there. We're like, oh, this is kind of crazy. And people were just going crazy and shit. And we were the only minorities in the whole thing. And they grabbed us up and made us sit on a bench for like two hours.

Wow. So the whites could bang on each other and fucking get bloody and fight? Yeah. They don't want to lose. Were all the white kids really afraid of bumping India? Probably. We probably were causing a problem.

That's amazing. It looks like those people in the middle are doing some civil disobedience. We'll arrest them. Oh, man. So this poor guy, so he threw a thousand bucks down there in Mall of America, and this woman

fell in love with him, though, and they're getting back together. And his wife did not show up to the mall after being invited. Oh, she wasn't even there! And women complain that love isn't real, though, but this is why, because this guy, it's a thousand fucking dollars in public embarrassment. That's what fucking Kenny Powers

would do. But this is sort of sweet, Drew. But it's sort thousand fucking dollars it's public embarrassment that's what fucking Kenny Powers would do but this is sort of sweet true but it's sort of sweet what do you think Ashley no it's not it is a little bit sweet not at all I mean this is a thousand bucks

who cares he wanted to shower you with it like you're a stripper I guess couldn't he just butter a bunch of cabbage isn't that what Russian didn't he go to a mall though

he wanted to shower with it at a mall yeah and then he had those people sing let it rain or let it snow guy sounds like an asshole at a mall I love what he then you had those people sing Let It Snow. That guy sounds like an asshole. At a mall. I love what he did.

I mean, like, the food courts right there. Listen, man, I support what that dude did, man. I'm just in the idea of black togetherness, man. I know this dude's not black, but the idea of what he did is black. He's rushing. He's anti-black. I feel like just give me

$1,000. Just give me a thousand dollars and maybe I'll love you back. Right? That's better. I just can only think of the Joker in the fucking Tim Burton Batman movie. It causes chaos. It causes havoc. I mean, I get

all crazy if I see a bunch of money on the ground. Man, it's fucking Russians. They're always trying to cause a scene. What do we do about them, Jackie? I don't know, man. Red Dawn, that fucking shit. I got always trying to cause a scene. What do we do about him, Jackie? I don't know, man. Red Dawn, that fucking shit. All right. I got Red Dawn in my head up here.

That's not bad. All right, it's a good movie. Patrick Swayze, come back from the dead. Get those fucking communists. Well, I'll go. We'll go to his grave. I'll dropkick him

and then you can He had cancer. Elbow drop. Elbow drop. Elbow drop, please. Oh my God, the Hmong. This is what I'm talking about. Apparently you can't dance your way out of cancer, can you?

And he's been saying that joke. He had that joke saved up five years before he died, before Swayze died. And you can't dance your way out of cancer. That is true. Happy holidays, everybody. You can dance your way out of diabetes. You can lose some weight with dance. There's a lot of positive side effects of dance But you can't cure

Cancer with dance That is very very true Well poor guy I hope his wife Takes him back Never take money From a Russian No you never take

Anything from a Russian I mean I don't know If that's true I would take a thousand Dollars from a Russian Can you Until you get in trouble Can you give something

To a Russian Yeah you have to Exactly Yeah that's the rule What's the gift of choice for a Russian? I guess a cabbage. Yeah, nice. A cooked cabbage or an uncooked cabbage.

Uncooked cabbage. So they can cook it themselves. That's not so bad. I bet someone fell in love with him that day, though. I hope so. I hope for his sake. Now he's sort of famous. I mean, you know, I do think that any romantic gesture will get some lady on board.

You're really empathizing a lot with this guy right now. I like him. I didn't. It was me. I didn't. You have to realize Kissel recently had a bit of a bad first date. No, it was a third date. And in reaction to it, he gave her a bunch of presents.

Oh, please. So he's sort of using this story as kind of a way to sort of bring himself. Did he get arrested? He never called back. He did get arrested. Yes, he did. For what? Disorderly conduct.

Throwing money in the air is disorderly conduct? It causes disorderly conduct. It's more about where you do it than the actual act. And he did it in the Mall of America. The best thing is that he had- What's more American than throwing fucking money into the air and having people pick it up? At a mall, no less. He probably had to call his wife as his first call and explain the whole situation. What's more American than throwing fucking money into the air and having people pick it up? At a mall, no less.

He probably had to call his wife as his first call and explain the whole situation. He later explained he was, quote, going through a horrible divorce, and he didn't see how the stunt amounted to disorderly conduct. How old is that guy? He looks pretty young. 29. Yeah, 29. What a fucking loser, that guy.

What do you mean? I like him. I don't understand your logic at all, man. He's a sweet dude, Chris. I think it's dumb, though. I think it's very confused. It's dumb. Yes. But males in love are dumb.

That is true. Just give me $1,000. I'll suck your dick. Yeah, totally. You're a prostitute. That just makes you a prostitute, Jackie. I love being ex-wife. Give me $1,000.

I'll still suck your dick. It doesn't mean you're not a prostitute. No, no, no, no ex-wife. Give me $1,000 and still suck your dick. It doesn't mean you're not a prostitute. No, no, no, no, no, no. You're married. Ex-wife. You're married. I was married.

He tried to buy back a marriage by throwing $1,000 to a bunch of strangers. At other people. Yeah. That would be a fucking million. Well, she was supposed to be there. It makes sense about that.

There was very little sense. That is true. Also, $1,000 is totally arbitrary. He was definitely going through this in his mind like 500, no, no, no, too little. 1,000 $1,000 is totally arbitrary. He was definitely going through this in his mind, like $500. No, no, no, too little. $1,000.

$2,000 way too much. I don't got that much kind of money. Yeah, I don't got that kind of money. Yeah, I was looking into what Jackie said about marriage, prostitution. Is it prostitution? And I found something. I found an article. The answer is yes.

I found an article called Marriage is a Form of Prostitution. It's by an author who wrote a book called The Industrial Vagina. Ooh, I love it. The Industrial Vagina. Sounds like a very nice objective report on marriage. Indeed. Sounds like nobody loves her. Definitely not.

She hasn't been fucked in a long time. I'm sure her wife loves her very much. What's the name of the woman who wrote The Industrial Vagina? Julie Bindle. Julie Bindle. Let's see what Julie Bindle looks like. Holy Lord.

Yeah, her wife loves her. Her wife is totally into her. Sort of, Jackie. That's the meanest thing you've ever said about yourself. Never compare yourself to a bindle again. The industrial vagina. It's a book about the sex trade.

Ah. That's a serious problem. That's boring. Yeah, that's actually a serious problem. That's a very serious problem. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ashley, how much money would it take you to get back together with this guy? Jackie's at $1,000.

She's going to blow him. What about yourself? The guy who threw the money around?'s at $1,000. She's going to blow him. What about yourself? The guy who threw the money around? Over under $1,000. Could be $10. Could be $10 million. Wow. Any amount of money.

$10. I feel bad for the guy who goes with the $10 million because you're like, I would have done this for $10. That's awful. You would have blown me for $10. It depends on what else

he's got going on, you know? Well, I mean, obviously not that much. In his pants. Which brings us to the overall got going on, you know? Well, I mean, obviously not that much. In his pants. Which brings us to the overall point of that, you know, it's not about the money. It's about the love and the connection. $20,000. And how much is that?

You'll blow him for $20,000. Good to know, Eddie. I'd blow a dude for $20,000, absolutely. I'd blow a dude for a fucking grand. It's just a dick in the mouth. It does not matter. At the end of the day. No, you fucking wouldn't.

I would. Yeah. $20,000, definitely. $20,000 to fucking blow a dude an entire years of work? Yeah, totally. Wait, an entire years of work? I mean, that's what my salary is, so yeah. Why blow a dude to completion?

Well, yeah, I always say my dad said, you take a job, you finish the job. I'm a German, for fuck's sake. Absolutely. What do you think would be less enjoyable? To swallow it or to get it shot all over your face? Swallow it. Swallow.

Swallow, definitely. You're ridiculous. No, that's ridiculous. It gets in your eye. It's up your nose. You never have to see it. You never have to deal with it. Yeah, shut your fucking eyes, Jackie.

Why would you shut your eyes? Because you don't want to look at the goddamn bullet when it comes out of the gun. No, because the man wants you to look him in the eyes as he's fucking jerking into your eyes. You were just convinced to do something that was inappropriate. I get paid to suck the dick. I look the man in the eye. It's not a goddamn business transaction. She's going to take your job.

I'll undercut her. I'll do it for 15. Well, fine. God damn it. Yes, I win. 13. Who wants to pay me 15? We got 13 bid.

13 bid. 13 bid. We got 12 jagged. 12 jagged, 13 bid. I mean, it's all. I'll do it for 20 bucks and a bottle of tequila. 20 bucks, 13 bid, 13 bid. We got 12 jagged, 12 jagged, 13 bid. I mean, it's all. I'll do it for 20 bucks and a bottle of tequila. 20 bucks, bottle of tequila. I'll just do it for a half a bottle of tequila.

Half a bottle of tequila, half a bottle of tequila. I can't go any lower than that. Go try it. Ben Kissel sucks the dick. All right. The new Brunswick Comedy Festival. Watch Ben Kissel sucking guys' dick for half a bottle of tequila. A rail tequila. It's going to bottle of tequila. Rail tequila.

It's going to be rail tequila. 2015 at the Barclays Center. Oh, I'll tell you, this Poughkeepsie Comedy Festival is going to be huge. Of course, it was last week, Tuesday at 12 in the morning. 12 in the morning. It's a late one, I guess. 12 in the morning. All right, Marcus, what's another story? Are we done with the guy? We're done with the guy. It's a late one, I guess. 12 in the morning. All right, Marcus. What's another story?

Are we done with the guy? We're done with the guy. Fuck him. Christine Rivera had a bad day at work Thursday and was waffling over whether to head out for a seven mile run. She decided to go for it. And then her day, as she says, quote, got astronomically worse. Astronomically?

She's writing science into it. She was hit by an airborne deer. Whoa! Rivera, 27, was jogging on a path adjoining Claybourne Parkway in Ashburn, Virginia, near the Dulles Greenway about 6 p.m. A 71-year-old woman from South Riding was driving a Toyota SUV on the road, and the deer, a buck, came from somewhere. All right. and the deer, a buck, came from somewhere. All right.

The SUV struck the deer, which sent the animal flying into Rivera, who remembers running one minute and then coming to in an ambulance as a paramedic told her he needed to cut away one of her favorite running shirts, quote, because it had deer blood all over it. She says... You can't say that as the paramedic. She said Saturday, that's when I knew a deer was part of this. The deer did it. There's a cop not reporting right there.

Look, if you get hit by a fucking flying deer while you're running, you have it coming. That's all I'm saying. Man, fuck deer. I'm sick of this shit. You hate the deer. They're not cute. I almost died in a car accident with deer this weekend. They're pests.

There needs to be a deer holocaust starting today. Well, there's deer hunting season. They're very tricky to get, though. Dude, we ought to bring you down for a cull down in Texas. Down? Yeah, we have a horrible... I want to suffocate one. Can I do that?

Yeah, of course. Put a fucking bag over its head and watch it die? Yeah, we have a big... I don't know if you can kill a deer like that. Yeah, you can. Yeah, you can suffocate it. No, you can't catch a deer. How is Ed going to catch a fucking deer

and suffocate it? Shoot it. I'm going to cut its feet off. Yeah! That's a man! Yeah, my nephew's a sharpshooter. He can take out

one of the legs so you can run up and suffocate it. Ed don't need no sharpshooters, man. He throws axes. Yeah, that's a good point. Two hands over the head.

Toss the axe. You know, I think this is the third time I've offered you to come down for a call I gotta come When is it? It's sometime in like Actually it's

We just missed it We're gonna end up shooting Eddie What if I fucking end up killing Ed? I'll wake the dog I'll hang out behind Wait till the deer's wounded And then go fucking finish it off You're gonna take the dog's job

Fucking put the animal in your mouth Also that's not what dogs do. Yeah. What do they do? They go get the ducks after you kill them. That is very good. When you tie, when you glue knives to their face.

It's a knife, Doug. That's a strange breed of dog you got there, Eddie. Oh, yeah, I made it myself. Yeah, if you don't have dogs, if you don't have dogs, you can use children. Yeah. That's what we did. Marcus was the fetcher, right? Yeah, if you don't have dogs... Oh, he ain't friendly. If you don't have dogs, you can use children. Yeah. That's what we did.

Really? Marcus was the fetcher, right? Yeah, exactly. Mm-hmm. If you don't have dogs... I was the fetcher when I was a kid. Now my niece is the fetcher. That's great.

And people stop shooting when they go to fetch, I assume. Most of the time, yeah. Most of the time. Yeah. But you were shot at a couple of times. I was shot once. Yeah, you were shot. Why?

In the leg. No, in the chest. In the chest. The perfect place to shoot a person to kill them. Yeah, you were shot. In the leg. No, in the chest. In the chest. The perfect place to shoot a person to kill them. Yeah, my brother shot me. It was a sand gun, right? No, a 12 gauge.

But it was from fairly far back. It was enough to knock me back a couple feet, but not enough to really wound me badly. That's normal, though. Knocked you back a couple of feet? That's just Texas. It is just Texas.

Why haven't you done? That's just normal. Well, I was a small kid. I was like eight or nine. You blame it on yourself? He does blame it on himself. You got fucking shot! Well, I mean, that's immediately-

It was my fault. I was a small kid. No, you got fucking shot. That's exactly what his brother told him. He's like, well, you're very tiny, Marcus. He feels really bad about it. I'm sure he does. Yeah, he still feels bad about it to this day.

Yeah. Charlie's a good guy. Yeah, he's a great guy. Yeah, he was on a swivel barrel, much like's a great guy. He was on a swivel barrel much like I'm on now. He was tracking a deer. He went a little bit too far. Pulled the trigger and hit me. Alright, so this deer hit this

chick while she was running. Yeah, the buck died at the scene. Thank God. So it was a dead deer that hit her. Yeah, I mean the deer died as soon as it hit the SUV. The deer became the weapon. Yeah, good projectile weapon. This is a strange way to go, though. She suffered a concussion, a cut to her scalp, and a bruise to her right knee.

If you're a psychic and you can predict such a death, I mean, that would be pretty amazing. Watch out for flying deer. Like, what the fuck are you talking about giving my money back, and then this happens to you while you're jogging? That's kind of fun. And she's barely five feet tall, too. Small woman. Small target. Small woman. But she's not going to die. She's going to jogging. That's kind of fun. And she's barely five feet tall, too. Isn't that something? Small target.

Small woman. But she's not going to die. She's going to make it. Oh, she's totally. Well, I'm just more upset because they had to cut her favorite running shirt, right? It was covered in deer blood. Oh, man. Imagine how good her tits look, though, covered in deer blood.

Yeah. Oh, man. Yeah. I am imagining that. Texas norms, you know? Yeah. Was this in Texas? No, this is in Virginia. Ashley, do you know? Yeah. Was this in Texas? No, this was in Virginia.

Ashley, do you jog a lot around Brooklyn? Do you ever jog? I don't jog. I go to the gym, Absolute Power. Oh, very good. On Grand and Graham. Very little chance of getting hit by a deer. Wait, are they sponsoring this show?

No, no. That gym is so shitty. People wear plastic garbage bag suits and jeans. Really? I used to do that when I was a kid. It's plastic garbage bag suits and jeans. Really? I used to do that when I was a kid. That's awesome. Do you feel like you're at risk of being shot when you go to the gym or jogging? Yes, yes, I do.

You really do? Honestly? Yes. Yes. Absolutely. Brooklyn's still dangerous at that gym anyway. We still got it. That's perfect.

Well, this is very, very sad for this woman. No, it's not. I don't think so. It's not sad. She's fine. She's fine. She helped kill a very, very sad for this woman. No, it's not. I don't think so. It's not sad. She's fine. She's fine. She helped kill a deer. She had a great day.

Yeah. I mean, did you eat the deer? All she did was concussion and a cut. That's worth the story, man. Yeah, it's supposed to. The rest of her life, she can just say, I got hit by a flying deer. Who can say that? Well, not that many people.

She can join any gang. Well, that's true. This is a very bizarre gang initiation, but it's also one of the, you know, this is a very unlucky situation. I mean, she's cursed. Not really. Right? If this happens again, she's cursed. You imagine. Yeah. Marcus, what's the news source that you got this from? Let's see here. This would be

the Washington Post. Yeah, who wouldn't get hit by a fucking deer to be featured on the Washington Post? I agree. I agree. Let's move to, let's come over to New Jersey. Let's come over to the East Coast here. I love it Let's move to, let's come over to New Jersey. Let's come over to the East Coast here. I love it.

A Trenton, New Jersey man slept soundly for about 10 hours with a knife stuck in the middle of his back before discovering he had been stabbed during a fist fight on his porch. How drunk was he? Wow. That's Jersey, baby. Do anything for a good night's sleep. The 42-year-old victim awoke to a pain in his back, said Lieutenant Mark Kiefer, a police spokesman. The victim couldn't tell what the problem was until he spoke to his brother, Kiefer said,

and his brother said he had a knife blade protruding from his back. How big was the knife? Yo, you got a knife in your back, bro! Yo, easy with the metaphors, bro. No, you got a fucking knife in your back. The size and type of knife were not immediately available, police said. The stabbing happened on the 600 block of North Clinton Avenue around 2 a.m. Sunday. The victim had been drinking that night and stepped out onto his porch to have a cigarette.

While he smoked, another man approached the victim and asked for a light. The victim refused and an argument ensued that escalated into a fist fight. I agree with the fucking dude who stabbed his ass. You're smoking a cigarette. Give him the butt anyway. As the victim gained the upper hand, his attacker suddenly ran away. Kiefer said of the stabbing victim, he said

I'm not chasing after the guy. A full description of the suspect was not available. Kiefer said the stabbing victim was very uncooperative with detectives who tried to talk with him at the hospital. Yeah, you won't even give someone a fucking light. Yeah, fuck this guy. Uncooperative with a fucking...

You're smoking a cigarette outside, somebody comes and asks for a fucking light, give him the goddamn light. Come on. Actually, the knife blade was five inches long. Five inches? Are you kidding me? I thought this was like a little belly popper.

Yeah, man. I don't know, five inches long. He didn't notice a knife in your bag. I guess he was sleeping on his stomach that night. Damn. Thank God he was. I mean, then again, fuck it, though. How hammered do you have to be to go to sleep with a fucking knife in your back?

Holy shit. I mean, I venture to guess he wasn't just drinking that night. Yeah. I don't know. I've woken up with some pretty extensive injuries. Did he bleed all night? I mean, I don't know. How would you know? Well, I don't. Did he bleed all night? I mean, I don't know. How would you know?

I don't think you bleed when the knife is in there. If it's in you, yeah. Only until it pulls out. My friend Dave fell asleep on a piece of pizza. Sometimes you just wake up on a sidewalk and your head's fucking bleeding and a stranger's talking to your mom on your Blackberry. That happens all the time. That happen to you, Chris?

Yeah, that absolutely happened to me. Yeah, we could tell. It was very detailed and specific. I used to. I can't believe you had a mother. That's great. Yeah, she couldn't believe it at that moment either. Yeah.

So the guy found your phone and went through it and instead of calling the police, found your mom's phone number and called her? No, whoever found me. I think some strangers found me on the sidewalk bleeding from my head. Did you fall or were you beat up? I think I fell. I don't honestly remember. Yeah. It's pretty terrible. Some strangers found me on the sidewalk bleeding from my head. Did you fall or were you beat up? I think I fell. I don't honestly remember.

Yeah. It was pretty terrible. Maybe somebody asked you for a lighter. You got a little cocky with it. Yeah, maybe I didn't feel like fucking sharing. They took my phone out of my pocket, called my mom after calling 911. Okay. So they called my mom while they were on the way to pick me up.

Nice. That's very nice of them. They probably saved my life. Then stole your phone. Yeah. What? And then stole your phone. No, it was covered in blood.

They gave it back to me. It wasn't. They were very nice. They didn't want it. I would not touch a phone covered in blood. Right. I wouldn't do it. It wasn't covered in blood until after they made, because then I was using it.

Oh, yeah. Then it was all covered in blood. Because my head was covered in blood. It just reminds me of one time in Tallahassee where we were coming back, and we were in this apartment building, and this guy was just getting in the elevator, and he was just bleeding out of his stomach.

There was a hole in his stomach. It wasn't just a cut. He was just bleeding. We're like, oh, you all right, man? He's like, oh, I'm just going to go to sleep. And we're just like, all right. And we didn't do anything. Oh, he's dead, Kevin.

He's dead now. I probably died. He had a hole in his stomach, man. He was probably shot. It was like a bullet hole, you think? We didn't even talk about it the next day.

Was there blood in the elevator? It was bleeding all over the elevator. Huh. I'm sure some maid found him and followed the trail of blood to his room and they called the police. Yeah, I'm sure everything turned out great. I'm sure it was found him and followed the trail of blood to his room and they called the police.

Yeah, I'm sure everything turned out great. I'm sure it's fine now. I'm sure it's fine. One time I was tripping on acid in South Beach and I saw a blood trail of my friend. I'm like, hey, let's follow it. We were tripping and we followed it to a bum on the ground. And what'd you do?

I went away. It's a real test of character you're very lucky Chris that Eddie or Kevin did not find you Eddie or Kevin didn't find me that's not the only time someone stabbed around me or didn't do anything

I remember it was like Panama City Beach and there was like this big brawl going on and then like just people everyone was just hammered and it was like the middle of the day

and this dude like stumbles out of the brawl like, oh, he just stabbed me. He stabbed me. And he's bleeding out into the sand. And we just watched him walk away and just kept drinking. I guess, yeah. That's just spring break. I was in Hollywood, like right on Hollywood Boulevard.

And there was a guy in a white t-shirt. And he was bleeding. And he was yelling, I just got stabbed, I just got stabbed and it was night, like Saturday night, tons of tourists stopped and took pictures of him

and I was like, wow, alright, and we all took pictures of him. That's amazing. I couldn't tell, I couldn't tell

but it looked very distressed. It looked very distressed. It looked very distressed. It was a human. And do you still have the pictures? No, no, no. That was back when you had to develop them. Oh, man. Too bad it wasn't now.

I'd love to see it on your Facebook profile. Check out this asshole. Yeah, exactly. Dying and shit. Last week, there was a knife fight inside the Thai restaurant next to 90 Miles to Philly. And who won? The Taiwanese guy. Was it a gang situation?

There were two Asians, and they got into a big knife fight in the middle of the restaurant. Really? He came out in the street and bled a bunch and laid on the ground until he got taken away in an ambulance. I think he died. You think so? Yeah. That much blood, huh? It was just an hour after I left.

I missed the whole fucking thing. Ah, that's too bad. That's too bad. Yeah. There was only one person who got stabbed when I was a bouncer, but nothing really happened. He just went away as well. Thanks for telling us that. Little guy.

Yeah, that's it. You were bouncing. You were just like, get out of here. Well, he got stabbed outside. He got stabbed outside. I was telling jokes inside, you know, people were loving me. Well, I got one more story, and this one does involve a knife-like object. Oh, really?

Okay. Adam Kramer, 28, is accused of using a sword in an attempt to get free tacos from a Southeast San Antonio restaurant. That is a good attempt. Yeah. Yeah, definitely. You must have gotten something, right? Yep.

According to an arrest warrant affidavit, he got arrested. That's not fair. That's at least creative. A sword? Bring in a sword? Better than a gun? I guess mildly. Yeah, a little bit.

Well, it depends on what you want. If you want tacos, a sword is not better than a gun. Yeah, but I'd give him fucking tacos and it'll fucking go away. Machete. I mean, how much were these tacos? I don't know. A waitress at the restaurant identified Kramer as the man who walked into the restaurant Monday and ordered six tacos and then refused

to pay for them. The waitress told Bexar County Sheriff's detectives that when Kramer was told he'd had to pay, he began pulling a sword in and out of a six-inch sheath on his waist, which is... Yeah, just let him know. Six-inch sword? What the fuck are we

talking about? It's a six inch sheath. Okay, so it's a longer sword. I guess the sword was longer than the sheath. Sometimes the sword sticks out through the bottom of the sheath. That seems very irresponsible. How did he get into the restaurant? They made the tacos? Yeah, they made the tacos, but he refused to pay for them.

So he just walked around with a sword the whole time? That's why you always take the money up front. That's right. Small restaurant. Take the money up front. You never know when the guy's going to whip with a sword the whole time? That's why you always take the money up front at a small restaurant. Take the money up front. You never know when the guy's going to whip out a sword. If he has a sword, assume he's going to whip out the sword. I just love to think that he inherited this

sword from his dying father and his father's last words were only used when absolutely necessary. Made me get six tacos. He was hungry. The waitress said at one point when the telephone rang, Kramer walked outside, so she quickly locked the doors. The woman said she could

hear him outside yelling that if he didn't get his free tacos, quote, someone would die. It's not free tacos, though. Wait, what state is this in? This is San Antonio, Texas. San Antonio, Texas. Good employee. Just give him the tacos. Did the Spurs score like 150 points that

night? What is up for debate here? Just give him the fucking tacos. Give him the tacos. Yeah, she's like a 16-year-old girl.

You're an asshole with a sword. Fuck you. I'm not giving you tacos. He probably got that sword from Restop too because Restops in

Texas are awesome and they sell swords. And this guy is so much cooler than the guy who threw the thousand dollars. You'd think so. I would definitely suck his dick.

He's got a sword and he's all like, I'm going to get tacos. I'd be like, yes, baby. Let's get on the back of a white horse and go. You can get a sword for 50 bucks from a Love's in Texas. Exactly. That's what I'm saying. And brass knuckles and shit.

Oh, fuck yeah, man. I mean, are these good quality swords, though? No. I mean, they're good enough to get free tacos. Yeah, or get your dick sucked. I feel like if a man brandishes a sword at me, I will suck his dick. You're going to suck his

dick. So it's $1,000 or if a person has a... You'd have done great in Games of Thrones. Games of Thrones! Games of Thrones! Games of Thrones! Which is the video game based off of the show Game of Thrones. Well, Kramer eventually got into his truck and drove off, but police arrested him the following day. Of course, he has Which is the video game based off of the show Game of Thrones.

Well, Kramer eventually got into his truck and drove off, but police arrested him the following day. Of course he has a fucking truck. Yeah. Well, it is Texas. That makes it a little bit worse. I mean, I drove a Toyota Celica when I lived there. Really? If I had a sword, I'd have a truck, too. You didn't have a truck?

Yeah, but he took the top of the trunk off, and so it kind of had its own little pickup area. Yeah, he didn't make it cool and everything. I had an 83 GMC Jimmy in high school, but I had to get rid of that one. Oh, I love Jimmys. Yeah, Jimmys are the best. So, I mean, it's just so much easier to go in there, get the tacos.

They obviously probably put them on the counter. He could have just grabbed them and ran. Well, I mean, maybe they didn't put them on the counter. Maybe they were behind the counter in a bag. Well, they call a number, right? They call your number. They call the number. They call the number. They know this game.

They've seen this before. It did say she was a waitress, so maybe it was table service. No fucking way. Who knows? You want to take a look at this guy? He looks very pissed off that he didn't get his time. Oh, yeah. He is a douche.

He looks really hungry. He also looks like a big fucking nerd. I think he looks really nice. And, of course, everyone, if you want to see the things that we're talking about on this episode, you can go to the Facebook page. Go on over there. We'll have everything posted. That's right.

Well, yeah, I mean, this guy does not look like the kind of guy that would go in there and ask for six tacos with a sword, though. I will say that.

He looks like, you know, just, he looks like a douche. I'm good on three tacos. Three tacos, I'm good. Well, I mean,

he thinks he's going to get them for free, so he doubled it up, you know. Maybe he's on a date. Yeah, it could have been a date. Do we know, was there a lady involved? I could house five tacos. I mean, if he didn't have enough money for a date, sort of like Dave Chappelle in that scene from Half-Baked, where he just had to do what he had to do to, you know, get the

woman fed and everything like that. At a certain point, too, if you're a chick on a date with a dude who got the food for the date by holding up a store at sword point, you gotta blow the dude. You have to blow the guy. Only if you get the food. The thing though is that he's showing up to the date with a sword.

How does that play into that? Okay, what if scratch the taco restaurant with the sword, but I take a knife out and I carve I love you Mary into my belly. That's cool. Is her name Mary? Her name's Beth. That's not going to work. You got to know her name.

That's a mistake though, but Ashley I mean, you know, just out of like overall kindness, you would have to fuck that person. The dude with the sword who carved my name into his chest? Yeah, the man who got your name wrong. Okay, Lancelot. It's okay, it's not bad. I don't know. I'd have to think about it. Okay.

Alright. And now it's time for a segment from Holden McNeely. Hey, Holden, how you doing? Wow, it's nightmare. Today's segment is Marcus Parks' freak tent. Marcus is a multi-hundred dollar owner of a freak tent. You need like 30 bucks.

We're bringing in our freaks. We all have to bring in a freak for Marcus. He's going to choose just one. Name some of the freaks you already got, Marcus. Well, some of the freaks I already got. I got a half man who is actually, he has no lower half of his body, but what he can do is play the violin very beautifully. And I've also got a couple of Siamese twins.

I've got the great granddaughters of Chang and Ng, some of the most famous Siamese twins. I've got the great-granddaughters of Chang and Ng, some of the most famous Siamese twins there ever were. They also play the violin very sweetly. Oh, beautifully? Okay, great. Are there any freaks that don't play the violin beautifully? The fat lady. The fat lady can't play the violin.

She doesn't do it well. She plays the chunk. She screams. Very well, though. Very good. But you ever hear two violins. She doesn't do it well. She plays the chug. She can't scream. Very well, though. Very good. But you ever hear two violins and a chug? It is beautiful. I've got a ten and one going right now, and my fucking cancer guy, he died, so we've got

to replace him. You had a cancer guy. Well, that's what the elephant man was. He was covered in tumors. That's why he looked so strange. He just had cancer. That was it, huh? Yeah. More of a medical condition than a freak. Yeah, that was the the elephant man was. He was covered in tumors. That's why he looked so strange. He just had cancer. That was it, huh? More of a medical condition than a freak.

Yeah, that was the medical condition that he had. I mean, most freaks are just people with horrible medical conditions. Medical conditions, yeah. I mean, that's why I love TLC so much, because it's just freak shows all the time. Yeah, Lisa Left Eye Lopez there. Well, she's dead. She's died. Sad.

So, I'll bring my first freak, my freak. His name is Mr. Funny Tongue. Where'd you meet him? Oh, I met him in, I'm going to make some up right now, I met him in fucking Sand, dude. Thank Christ. All right, so there you go. I met him there. So even behind a glass cage, he can just be, you know, he dances around to like, sort of cryptic, old-timey music.

Wait, do I have to buy a glass cage? He could be behind chicken wire. I'm just saying it ups it. I prefer chicken wire. It ups it if he's behind a thing because no matter what happens, every person who's watching at some point is going to feel behind their left ear of his tiny little tongue. It reaches them all. He's Mr. Funny Tongue. He can get his

tongue behind your ear no matter where you're at in the room. That's fun. He's got a funny tongue. So he dances around. He kind of wears very little, just like a little ball pouch. And that's about it. We tend to paint his face in like

Gaelic paint okay blue i like that yeah or anything and um you know uh yeah it's kind of fun and then at the end of the show uh you can go pet his squid for ten dollars great great and that's what you need in a ten and one everyone has something to sell that's how you make the extra money yeah you pet his pet squid and the whole time he's like and he's just putting his little tongue all up in different parts of you, and you giggle and laugh. You can get pictures of that and stuff. I love it. Yeah, that's a good freak.

A good freak is participation. Yeah, absolutely. Okay, my freak is called Elephant Lady. And she fucks elephants, man. I like Elephant Lady. No frills, no twists, just good, solid family entertainment. All right. I mean, well, that's a whole separate tent.

Because you want your adult entertainment in a whole separate tent than your 10-in-1. I'm keeping it under consideration. That's not bad. Because my coot show is not doing good right now. So I'm going to need something a little strange after that. Do you have an elephant? I do have an elephant. He's not doing very well right now.

Is he sad? Maybe he needs a fucking blowjob. Maybe he needs to be like that goat in the first story. He's down to three cigars a day. So that's where he's there. Cigar-smoking elephant. That's actually a good freak. That's a good freak.

Ben? We'll go to Jackie real quick. What? You just jumped two jumpers. Or Ashley? Do I have to have a freak? Be like, Mr. No Fingernails. Not even toenails.

Like when you touch his hands, you're like, oh, baby. And there's no nails. They're just like nubs, but they're normal size. Yeah, it's totally freaky. That is totally freaky, actually. I don't like it, therefore I like it, because it's for the freak tent. Exactly, yeah. Yeah, it's totally freaky. It is totally freaky, actually. I don't like it, therefore I like it, because it's for the freak tent. Exactly, yeah. You want to be a little uncomfortable.

And those people do exist. They're not hard to find. I feel bad. Fingernails are cartilage, right? Actually, I don't know. They're not cartilage. Keratin, that's what it is. Keratin. I'm glad you guys asked me this, because I have what is it? Keratin. That's what it is. Keratin. Yeah. Keratin.

I'm glad you guys asked me this because I have a guy, his name is Stanley, and his shirt is just always untucked and he's just always tucking it in. He's just, no matter what he does, he's just got to keep tucking his shirt in. I like that.

So is this kind of a magic act? No, it's just shirts that don't fit. He's just got to keep tucking it in. I think that's very good. It comes untucked, and what can you do but tuck your shirt in? Maybe we should give him a belt. I don't know. A comedy act, once again, that's a different tint.

No, a comedy act can go before a larger freak. It's freakishly untucked, dude. Oh, really, and it just never stops. Really, never comedy act can go before a larger freakishly untucked dude. Really, and it just never stops. Really, never, ever, yeah. He's more of a midway guy, but maybe I could consider it. I don't know, but he just can't get his shirt tucked in. Before we get to Jackie,

I really want to see Kissel struggle through this. Kissel, what do you have for your freak? I've got a fella, his name is a loose skin boy. And he basically has to nail his skin to two small poles. And then he has to walk backwards. And he screams the whole time. Like, ahhh!

And then what he has to do is be the safety net for the ballerinas and the other people that do high wire acts. And my entire job is just to be there. It's not my job. I don't fucking lose skin. That's what I'm saying. Lose skin boy. His whole job is to just constantly save the high wire act ladies as they fall because they're not very good because he gets them all drunk

beforehand and then as they fall onto his loose skin he walks slowly over to where his skin is nailed down and he keeps them inside of his tummy and then he gets them for the night. I'm going to say that was bewilderingly developed.

So extra points either way. There's a lot going on there because we can keep you in the 10-in-1 and then move you on over to the big top, and people love the element of danger. You see him earlier, you see him later. I mean, carnies are naturally drunk anyway. That's right. They're going to be drunk.

Yeah. So you would help out. You can also, you know, I'll get a tattoo. I mean, not me. Again, loose's right. They're going to be drunk. Yeah. So you would help. You can also, you know, I'll get a tattoo. I mean, I'm me again. Loose skin boy. We'll get a tattoo of the American flag and he'll show everybody and be like, oh, that's a tiny one. But then we'll stretch it out and we'll make it like we'll do it during the opening ceremonies

and everyone salutes it. Everyone salutes it. Yeah. You'll just tuck that shirt back in. Tuck it back in. That's my best friend is the guy who can't get his shirt tucked in. And we always laugh and stuff. Do I have to bring untucked shirt, man, if I get you?

You don't have to, but he is my manager. Okay. All right. So. You know what? I'll drop him. Okay. I'll drop him.

All right. Well, now you're back in the running. Thank you. Jackie, what do you got for me? Okay. Marcus, go with me on this. I'm with you. We're going to. Thank you. Jackie, what do you got for me? Okay. Marcus, go with me on this. I'm with you. We're going to Auschwitz.

Oh, God. We're going to... All right. So we're going to... What? Ed, you have no idea. What's this idea? Only on the fucking round table is this idea.

I'm going to take him. All right. What I want to do is I want to take our money. I want to find a set of the twins that Dr. Mengeala fused together in his hereditary experiments. Okay? I want to bring them back to life, which I think we can do with our electrocution and our brain transplants that I know that you have the fucking money for. I've got some money.

We're going to keep them separate, even though they're fused together, but in separate chambers. And it's going to be called East Meets West. We're going to brainwash each side to think that they're on the opposing sides, like allies versus axes. Okay? And so every time we electrocute them back to life, they're going to think that they are complete enemies,

even though they look exactly the same. One's going to be speaking in Japanese. The other one's going to be speaking American. Neither one of them are German anymore. We've stripped them of their German heritage. And they are twin freaks. Neither one belong to their own community anymore. And they fight to the death every day.

How do you do that every day? Because they have their own arms. They were never Polish. They fucking beat each other to death. No, but they would die after the first day. We fucking bring them. We fucking put new brains in them. We keep fucking.

We keep. I see. That makes sense. We keep digging up new twins. So you're saying the Siamese twins are just, they're merely shells. Yes. Yeah. And that we can't.

And we just like, we have the money. We've got the fucking time. We just keep putting into them. And it's something about two twins that look the same, that speak two different languages, that hate each other so much that they'll beat each other to death, that people would pay top dollar for, that I think would be worth the time and the money and the effort to put into it. I got ten bucks on it.

I really like that, actually. East meets west. I can't do that in America? Well, no, of course we wouldn't be doing in America. No, God no. But as all of you know, I have many offshore holdings. I have many things that are done in

international waters. Lorbitston. So this is going to happen on a cruise? No, no, no. I've got islands that I built. Madagascar. Colonize the moon. We could fly on the moon. Freak show on the moon.

It's good. Think about it. Fights to the death in low gravity. I was going to pop a Jolyon. What do you got? Okay, so I pop a Julian. What do you got? Sure, sure. Okay, so I got a guy. He wears a suit, and he looks unimposing.

But his name is, we're going to call him Marv Albert. Ooh, I like that. People will assume he's the famous announcer, and they'll go up and take a picture. And then in the midst of the picture, he'll bite them and say, yes! And then that'll be it. And that's how you get to the picture. That's a good novelty, actually.

That's good. And people pay to take the picture, too. You're getting paid. I like it. Alright, Marv Albert. Alright. Mine is Hans, the Nazi who's so racist and, you know, hates and believes in white power so much that he bleached his skin

to the point that his skin is clear. And we're going to call him Hans the anti-semitic ghost and so he's a ghost man but you see his organs but he's still like a ghost person and you see his heart beating you can see his lungs filling up with air it's an interesting

message too because all man is the same on the inside but then he's just like kike kike kike and he just yells horrible Oh, I see. Yeah, and he just yells horrible things that make you hate him. Right.

And then you can hit him with lettuce. Oh, so he's a villain. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a villain. He's a heel. All right. Yeah, he's a heel.

And he's good. And he's like, that's the thing is, surprisingly enough, you would think that it would deteriorate the skin, but it actually made it really calloused.

And so his skin's almost like good plexiglass. And so he can just take beatings with a... It's like a shoot the freak kind of situation, but with a fully naked, see-through man. Yeah, and you bring in a bunch of Jews. You put a hat on him, no shirt. You put a Nazi hat on him, or the one with the point, the helmet with the point. Yeah, yeah, World War I. World War I Nazi.

A good old-fashioned Nazi. Yeah, but I really get the Kaiser the point. Yeah, yeah, World War I. World War I Nazi. A good old-fashioned Nazi. Yeah, but really get the Kaiser into it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you put some Nazi pants on them. Yeah, but for Glorskins. Yeah, and then you take them to Jewish schools and stuff, and you let the children throw tomatoes at them and lettuce and different kinds of produce. That's really fun.

I mean, it's a traveling show, then. Maybe a kielbasa. Well, all carnival. By its nature, traveling. This is something for the Jews. Right, it's a pro-Jew thing. The Jews are people who usually don't go to these shows. This is a whole new market.

They won't spend the money on it. What, they will to beat a Nazi? No, definitely. What does it look like when he drinks milk? Oh, man, it is a white man's dream. It is just white on white. He even bleached his blood white. Alright, I'm hard. What do you got, Marcus? Yeah, what is it, Marcus?

Who do you want in this freak show? I mean, you know what? This is the first time that this man has made the obvious winner ever in the entire history of the round table. Ben Kissel.

What? You skim boy. I mean, the obvious winner out of everyone. I mean, all of you, yes, you're freaks. Good idea. You don't want to service the Jews, you Nazi? Isn't that exciting? As much as I love East meets West,

I mean, like I said, that's going to be for my offshore. Well, now that I'm on the carnival team here, I am going to need all of my Snickers separated from nougat. I need the peanuts separated and the chocolate separated. I'm going to need my Skittles separated from shell. I need the inners and the shells out with the Skittles. No, I'm going with the elephant lady. I shells out with the skittles. And I need to... No, I'm going with Elephant Lady.

I'm going with Elephant Lady. Elephant Lady is the name. Elephant Lady. Kevin Barnett. Justice. Twists. Options for your hair. Jackie Zabrowski.

Edward Larson. Hold up a minute. Kevin Barnett, the big winner tonight. I'm Ben. And then we got Chris, Ashley, and Julian. So come on out. It is at the Paper Box at 7.30 Friday. December 13th.

Friday the 13th. Friday the 13th. Friday the 13th. Let's get weird. And that's going to be very, very fun. There's raffles. There's a coat drive. Bring some coats.

Oh, is there a coat drive? Ashley, get the information in there. And toys. Bring gently used coats or new toys. And like children's toys, not sexual. Like no flesh. What are you saying? The homeless don't need fucking dildos?

Yeah, I don't need my fucking dildo anymore. I got real dick. All right, bring your dildos. Bring your flesh. Hey, Kevin, are you on this show? We'll figure something out with dildos. Are you on this show? No.

All right, so come out and see every member of the round table except Kevin. Except Kevin. Can you do the show, Kevin? It's all good. I got twists. We'll talk after the podcast. You want to put that twist on the stage? All right, everybody.

Talk to you soon. We'll see you on Friday. No one made that joke yet.