The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 176: Top Five Club

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

This week on Round Table: a routine exercise for a fire department ends in a jet fuel accident, a law banning incorrigible rogues is stricken from the books in England, and a Hawaiian man is killed by cops for brandishing a 12 foot pole with a knife taped to the end.

The round table. Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds. Lay down, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen, what's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility.

We side. We side. Great civility. We side. We side. Great. Whenever. Alright, everybody. Close your eyes and bow your heads and grab your cocks and your pussies. Both of them are grabbed.

Someone's grabbing mine and I do not appreciate it. I have ten hands. So, Octopus Ed, doing a fine job at this guided meditation. I think it's going well so far. Has it started? Yeah, I think so. Right now, you're being baked in a big bucket of bread.

I don't really know how bread is baked, but I assume it's in a bucket. And you're expanding and growing. And your fingers are getting longer. And your nose is getting longer. And your feet are getting bigger. And your hat is bigger. Yeah, I don't know what size that is. Your feet are becoming Mexican.

And your chest is becoming happy and you're feeling free, but you're getting pulled out of the bread oven and there's a big hungry Henry staring down at you. What are you going to do? You can't leave. You're his bread. Punch him in the balls and run.

You're going to punch him in the balls. Jackie punches him in the balls and runs. What does that do? The Lord hopes you're not in the ocean because those fucking walruses know how to eat some fish. Well, that's right. There you go. There you go. That's a good point.

I feel like I'm in Alice in Wonderland when the walrus leads all the oysters to his belly. I love that part. Absolutely. With the carpenter and all that stuff. Oh, yeah. The Jesus situation. Stone Cold King. Now you're Jesus. Right.

Right? And you're like, you're turning some water into some wine, getting loaded with some prostitutes because he took everybody in. Yeah, he did. And they took him in, my friend. Amen. His big throbber. I wonder how large Jesus was.

It's a good size. What do you think? What are we saying? Hefty. Seven. Well, I mean. Seven? I'm giving Jesus seven. It's a good size. What do you think? What are we saying? 7. Well, I mean... 7? I'm giving Jesus 7.

Okay. I'm definitely going to give the Son of God 7 inches. Yeah, maybe 6 1⁄2. He's not the Son of God. He's just a great liar, so it could be 2. Yeah. Well, that's a good point, but I think you have to have a lot of confidence to be a Jesus-type character, and I think confidence all comes from a long schlong.

Jesus was black, right? Yeah. Yeah, that's the other thing. There you go. Yeah, that's... Kwanzaa. His big black fucking robbing bitches with that thing, man. Just fucking spanking them with it. Can people still

celebrate Kwanzaa? No, no. The fad's done. No? It's over? Yeah, it's all done. What do you do? Jesus just turning bitches inside out. Yeah. I feel like we've gotten off track here with the guided meditation. Now we're just talking about Jesus fucking chicks. They're all just over there in the corner.

All the whores over in the corner. Just like, Jesus, Jesus, make my pussy stink. Make it stink. Make my fucking pussy stink. That's a possibility. But you're dirty, dirty. Yeah. Minute four on this guided meditation.

So we're going to just wrap it up. And you are opening your eyes from Jesus' penis. That's it. And you're looking around, and you're smiling at your sad day job. And you are now at the round table of gentlemen. Oh, Jesus Christ. Welcome to the round table of gentlemen, everybody. We do not have a full round table tonight.

No, this sucks. Empty chair next to you. Ben's fault, everybody. It is all my fault. We do not have a full round table tonight. No, this sucks. Empty chair next to it. Ben's fault, everybody. It is all my fault. But let's go through the names of the people who are here because, you know, people need to be reminded of who we are. You are Grump, and I am Jackie Zebrowski. I'm a Grump? Is this the last podcast we have before fucking Christmas?

Yeah. Wow. We're not going to do it until January, are we? Yeah, because I'll be gone. I know that. I'll be gone. Great fucking twat twat Christmas. I just got fucking sad.

It's a twat twat Christmas? Yeah, man. Oh, that's exciting. Yeah, I'm going to be with my boyfriend on Christmas. You know it's going to be a twat Christmas. You're going to get screwed on Christmas? I have to. I've never been laid on Christmas before.

You've never been laid on Christmas? Yeah, ever. This is a Hallmark to. I've never been laid on Christmas before. You've never been laid on Christmas? Yeah, ever. This is a Hallmark movie. I know. Wow. I don't know if I've ever fucked on Christmas. I don't think I have. It's pretty great.

Well, you gotta do it. Everyone has to fuck on this Christmas, December 25th. I'm gonna tell my mom to buy me a whore. She'll buy it for you. Oh, God. I'm Ed Larson. My mom buys me whores. Yeah.

That's a nice lady. A loving mother. I'm holding McNeely and Jackie. Is your family dog still just giant and fat? Man, biggest, fattest dog I've ever seen. What's the name of the dog? Gracie May. Gracie May?

We call her Gracie Maydle. It sounds like it was a person's name. Yeah, that's the thing. Henry came up to me last Christmas and was like, that dog is so sad. It can't walk. It can't get up. It can't get up. It can't get up.

Oh, that's amazing. It can't walk. It just rolls around and their mom just feeds it compulsively. My mother's family, too. They just feed these dogs and they're so fat and unhealthy. Because the kids aren't there. We're not there to be fed until we're 350 pounds anymore. Just jamming kielbasa down their neck.

Right. You know, you got to your kid's love somehow. Gracie Madel's gotta have some steak. Gracie May needs it. Yeah. Roll it all around. Yeah, my grandma used to do the same thing with her weenie dog, and I used to feed it biscuits. The dog's name was Shadow, and she said,

Shadow, Shadow Weepoo Dog, let daddy give you a biscuit. Isn't that something that's terrifying to hear when you say it yeah wow sound like all my ex-girlfriends right now they all call you poo dog yeah um all right well hold him prayed so we know he's here oh yeah and then we got uh dave pastrami what's the name that we go with mr pastrami mr pastrami mr Pastrami. Mr. Pastrami is here. Mr. Pastrami is here. Thank you for being here, man. Nice to be back. Thank you guys for having me.

Absolutely. You're wearing a Miami Dolphins jersey because the Miami Dolphins had a very large victory today against the dreaded New England Patriots. I've had three happy weeks, and I want to say thank you to the Roundtable fans who wish the Dolphins well today, and I really appreciate your well-givings. Do we have any fans that enjoy bad football teams? I don't know. I think they just root for them because they know I'm happier.

And they love you. I want to believe that. I want to believe that. I want to believe that too, Ed, and I think it's totally true. Eddie got a very voluptuous sexual tweet this week. I don't know if it's voluptuous. Well, we know you're voluptuous, and I think that that's why this woman. Did you see that tweet, Jackie?

No. A woman tweeted at Ed saying, Ed, you're so funny. I love you. I'm one of Boney. I'm from Australia. I'd like to take you to bed. X, X, X, X, X, X, X. See, if she really wanted you, she would have said take you to dinner.

That's right. And she should have put an L after all those X's. I love sleeping. Because that's the shirt size. Hello. Well, did I see, Ben, a picture of a girl painting a portrait of you? That's correct. That is unbelievable.

A nice Asian gal. Elderly woman. She painted a portrait. Yeah, she hustled me. I had to give her 20 bucks for it. And I had to write Hail Satan underneath it. And she thought that was my name. She's like, is that your name?

And I was like, yeah, Hail Satan's my name. And she wrote it underneath the picture. Why'd you have is that your name? And I was like, yeah, Hail Satan's my name. And she wrote it underneath the picture. Why'd you have to pay her $20? I was just being nice. So wild. It's a really good portrait. It's not bad. Marcus, what's going on? Nothing. You're just putting your arms up or you're upset about something? We were looking for the tweet and it wasn't on my

Twitter page. Oh, perhaps she deleted the tweet. Maybe she did. Second thoughts. Eddie Byer's remorse. I will want to win you back. I want you back. Yeah, get her back, Eddie. That's what Christmas is all about. You're going to be better at getting her back than I am at getting ladies back.

That's for damn sure. I've got another big up today. Hacksaw Jim Duggan, the professional wrestler. Yes! He retweeted me. He did? I got a retweet from Hacksaw. First of all, I'm stunned that Hacksaw is on Twitter.

That's amazing. I thought about that. I got a retweet from Hacksaw. First of all, I'm stunned that Hacksaw is on Twitter. That's amazing. I thought about that. I saw. Wait, wait, wait. The man communicated using a log for the good 20 years of his career. Who is this man? Hacksaw Jim Tucker. Stop it.

He was never muscular, never strong, but he just pushed out his fat stomach, and he sort of made it look like a six-pack. He was my favorite wrestler in high school. I got to see him live. I got to see him live in Charlotte. Sweet pair of briefs and some boots were his costume. And a two-by-four. And a two-by-four. And real long hair.

He looks actually very similar to you, Ed. The reason why Ed tweeted at Hacksaw was he was compared to Hacksaw Jim Duggan in a recent New York Times article. That's right. Of course, Murder Fist was on the cover of the New York Times art page.

Oh, you do look like him. Which is very amazing. Weird, right? There it is. He's not strong. He's just fat. Well, I think we found your daddy, Eddie. We found your father.

That's the thing. He's not strong. That was back in the day when you could be just a fat professional. He always... And there's Hacksaw Jim Duggan holding a monkey. You are Hacksaw. Isn't that something?

Son of a bitch. What a hero. That's uncanny, Ed. It looks just like you. And go to the Facebook page to see Hacksaw Jim Duggan holding a monkey. He had a monkey later that night, but that's okay. The New York Times described me as a marauding bear. A bear of a man that screams like Hacksaw Jim Duggan.

Which is pretty great. And then Holden was explained as a disheveled. A hedge fund analyst whose luck had just ran out. Which is a phenomenal, phenomenal comparison. Pretty right on. I felt like that was pretty. And Jackie was described as Henry Zebrowski, which is pretty great.

That's kind of funny, Jackie. That's a funny little joke there, calling you Henry because he's your brother and you're a woman. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When I told my mom to look at the New York Times article, she said, you're not in it. Only Henry Thomas is in it.

It makes sense. Ow! That's so mean. Women are so mean to women I'm in the fucking article you're on the front page of the arts

fucking yes she just looked at the front page saw a picture of Henry it was like Henry Thomas he's the star

that happened to me too when I said someone to go pick up the paper like you're not in the picture just like give me a fucking

break you know you could probably just lie and be like no no, that is me. You're in the first sentence of the article. I know, and I still took shit. That's fine. That's fine.

All right. Let's just do a news story, Marcus. Let's start with that. I'm Ben. Did I say my name? Did they forgot who I was? You didn't introduce Marcus, though. I just introduced him now.

And with us as always, newsman Marcus Parks. Marcus, what do you got for us, buddy? That's how you do it. Thank you. No problem. The Washington State Patrol is investigating a serious mishap that occurred October 25th at its fire training academy in North Bend. During a training exercise, firefighters mistakenly pumped jet fuel instead of water onto a flaming mock-up of an airplane crash.

Amazing, right? No. Literally pouring gas on a fire. No. It's fucking brilliant. Bob Calkins of the State Patrol said, when the firefighters put water on a fire that had been deliberately developed for training, the fire got bigger instead of smaller. The water ain't working right. Put more water on it.

So they fail, right? Oh, yeah. You fail the challenge, you don't become a fireman. This is a big mistake. Someone needs to tell the Irish to slow down on their drinking. I agree. I agree. They're not like us Polacks, right, Eddie?

Goddamn right. That's right. You can't slow down with a Polack drinking. Everything they do is exceptionally slow. We're dumb. Yeah, we're dumb people. Screen door and a submarine. That's right.

That's a great... I love that Polish joke. What do you get on a screen door with a submarine? A Polish person. Bunch of fucking Polish people. Good joke. It is a good joke, though, and it's delivered right. I got a good Irish joke for you.

Yeah? They recently allowed drunk driving in some Irish counties. Oh, that's brilliant. The Irish drunking test, when they pull you over, is the cop asks you how your mother is. And if you take a swing out of them, you can drive home. But if you start

to cry, you gotta go to jail. Oh, I think that makes sense. I feel like you could say that about Italian guys, too. Yeah, I guess so. Yeah. I feel like you could say that about Italian guys, too. Yeah, I guess so. Yeah. But there's a town now in Ireland, there's a couple of counties that made it legal to drive drunk?

Yeah, no. That's a true story? That did actually happen. Oh, that's amazing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's go. Oh, we got to go. That's a David Feldman joke, to credit the person for that.

Isn't that some David Feldman? Everybody loves him. That's kind of great, though. I mean, I'm guessing it's just kind of wide open, and there's only a few houses. It's moderate drinking and driving. Moderate, yeah. They up the alcohol. Oh, that's the way it should be.

Yeah, you can just blow a high. But it's also one of the most dangerous counties with the most accidents. Well, sure. Sure. I mean, that goes hand in hand. It's just nice to see policy actually having a social effect. Yeah. Counselor and county carry pub owner Danny Healy-Ray introduced the bill,

arguing that citizens driving while intoxicated in rural areas have never killed anyone. Never have, never will. He defended the measure by asserting that it would prevent loneliness and reduce the risk of suicides among those who live in Ireland's backcountry. It's true, though, because if you're concerned about drinking and driving, but you're going to drink. They're drinking no matter what. You've got to go to the pub. You've got to go to the pub and socialize.

If you can't drink and drive, how are the firemen going to be able to get to the fires? Yeah, exactly. I think we plugged it into the gas again. We're not very good firemen. Jill, you're going to say, Eddie, there's a 90% chance these firemen are Irish.

Yeah, I think that's the actual stat of Irish people. Irish people, they fight fire. They do fight fire. For some reason, they're good at it. Just spit on it. Fight the fuck out of a fire. They do. They'll grow a potato and they'll fight a fire.

They're kids. They'll treat the fuck out of some whiskey and hit a woman with a big ass. Absolutely. You know? I think you're talking about you. That last one. Yeah, that last one was just a projection. Autobiographical there.

Yeah. I don't think that that's a proper stereotype about the Irish. Irish girls got big asses. Oh, yeah. Totally. Well fed. Potatoes. Yeah.

Definitely. Potatoes and whiskey. I bet it's big upper arms, too. Beautiful women. Some of the best women around. Potatoes and wings. I bet it's big upper arms too. Beautiful women. Some of the best women around. Never look up that high. Concentrating on the big ass. Oh, yeah.

I guess I got to start checking out Irish girls' asses. They're great. Riverdance. Well, you need to. Yeah. Yeah. I'll tell you, the Italian gals, that's a flat butt. That's a pizza butt.

But then the Irish gals, it bumps that a little bit. Better for twerking, things like that. Yeah, it's more like a side of the crowd. Wide, big, birthing ass. Big birthing Irish butts. Don't even gotta push. Hell yeah. It's best if they do, though.

What? Well, back to the story. Investigators believe that the Academy's oil-water separator, which recycles the water used for fire training exercises, did not correctly filter the jet fuel used for the exercise from the reclaimed water. They just got to get two different tanks for the whole thing. Yeah, they really should.

The crews filled their tanks with water tainted with jet fuel. I love this very, very much. So it's not on the crews. It's not the crews' fault. You assume when you go to the water pump you're going to be getting some water and not a bunch of gas. Well, an expert that is investigating whether the 1990s oil water separator malfunctioned or whether Academy employees did not operate it correctly.

Ooh. Cosplay? It just seems like a dumb thing to have together. It's Backdraft. It's like Backdraft. That is a movie about fire. That's Keanu Reeves, right? But then when one fireman started trying to setting up all the other firemen, they get

killed. Oh, yeah. That's the whole point of that fucking movie, isn't it? Yeah. I completely forgot about that. Yeah. That's the whole story. Fucking backdraft.

Swayze, right? No. Who's in it? Kurt Russell? One of the Baldwins. The Baldwins? Billy Baldwin. Billy Baldwin?

Robert De Niro. Oh, don't watch it if it's a Billy Baldwin. De Niro? No. Isn't there a juicy sex scene in that movie, right? Oh, yeah. yeah, yeah. Yeah, great one. Someone's sucking on some weird...

And by the way, on IMDb, his name is William Baldwin. William Baldwin. Kurt Russell, that's right. Yeah, Kurt Russell. Kurt Russell. Got that right. Who was the hot broad? Jennifer Jason Leigh.

And Rebecca DeMornay. Love her. DeMornay. That's what I remember. Yeah. Mourning the loss of her... Yeah, her virginity. Yeah.

Yeah, 20 million years ago, she's a dinosaur. It's a great scene in the beginning. What is it? Is it... She's still got it. She's old, though. She's born in 59. She's good.

Yeah. 1959. Yeah, that's not too bad. That's pretty old. I'm going to give her the old card. Yeah, she's old. Throw her the old card. Yeah, she's old. Throw her the old card. Old.

I hear she's starring in Jurassic Park 4. Yeah, in real life. Oh, wow, that's a great one. That is a good one. Yeah! Amazing. On fire. Eating that pussy.

I love that. I was trying to think of a dinosaur thing to say with Rebecca DeMornay's name in it, but I didn't come up with anything. Mornosaurus. It's easy. A mornosaurus. There we go. You said a mornosaurus at the end of it.

A de-mornosaurus. A de-mornosaurus. See, this is good, Ed. That's good stuff, Ed. You've got to work through the jokes sometimes. This is a workshop episode. That's really awesome. It's a rough one.

It's a rough one. It's a rough one. Rebecca de Rex. Dang. No. Was that good? Thank you. Was that good? I liked it.

You liked it? It's better than your nothing. I. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

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Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey's a good one, Marcus. Rebecca fucking T-Rex. Rebecca Day Rex. Whatever. Day Rex.

No, it's Rebecca Klops. Rebecca Klops. Now you're getting into mythological characters. Oh, I see. Triceratops. Triceratops. Oh, I thought you meant like a cyclops. I was going to say Rebecca Lossoraptor.

That's a really good one. Amazing stuff, Holden. Rebecca Lossoraptor. No, Rebecca Day Lossaraptor. That's a really good one. Amazing stuff, Holden. Rebecca Lossaraptor. No, Rebecca Daylock Lossaraptor. I just screen doored her fucking ass. That's right. Irish with the screen doors on a submarine. Of course, they're a submerged vessel, so obviously a screen door would allow for a lot of water to come through.

Water goes in and they're all like, oh, what do we do? They fucking drab their asses. That's fucking idiot. Fuck them. Those Irish. Oh, man. Don't put screen doors on a submarine, Irish. It's the Polish.

The Polish. Oh, the Polish. I'm sorry. Oh, I wouldn't. The Irish drink. The Polish are dumb. Yeah, yeah. The Irish are the ones.

Polish drink, too. Polish do drink, too. Dave, you know any old Mr. Pastrami? Do you know any Irish people that are real dumb? Dumb Irish. You get any Irish strippers at your club? No. I mean, no.

I want to get these two porcelain and fair. Who wants that? I love it, man. Who wants a pale chick with light eyes and glowing red hair? That's my game right there. I like redheads with see-through skin. Yeah, you want to see their insides. Ew.

I'm a little bit like me there. That's kind of gross. Yeah, that's all right. I know your skin's red. My skin is pinkish. Yeah. I do have a pig-like skin. Yeah, you're too doughy to see through.

Thank you, Jackie. Back when I was growing up, my- That bread stuck inside your body. All right. I want to go back to the bread analogy. I want to smear some mustard on that bread that Holden got me all hungry and shit for. Oh, I thought you were talking about Kissel. Oh, yeah.

There's some mustard on my bread, too, if you want to. I'm going to wiggle it around. Lay my pastrami on it. Yeah, buddy. Oh, no. My name's Mr. Pastrami. Happy holidays. My first crush in high school was Krang from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Really? You loved his eyes Yeah I just liked his eyes and his little squiggly arms And the fact that he was in a big robot man And just throw him around like a basketball Yeah squishy squishy baby April was beautiful Good red headed lady

Anything else with this story with these firefighters Putting gas on the fire? None whatsoever, but we can move to Hawaii. Oh, so happy. Nice times in Hawaii. Welcome. Oh, no, volcano. I'm going to know.

That was terrible. Let's redo it. What do you mean? I love Hawaii. Aloha. And now we're going to Hawaii. Aloha. Oh, no, volcano. Iha. It's our first day.

Maliki laki. I mean, you know, all right. I'm not bringing anything to the table, so that's fine. I think that in Hawaii, that's how you say I love you. Oh, my God. Maliki laka maka haka in Honolulu. It's funny. It's also when people scream when they come.

Yeah. Maliki laka they cum. Yeah. Maliki. I like that. Yeah. I was talking about how I smoke so much weed that my cum is so dumb that it leaks out of my butt. When were you talking about that, Ed? Who told you that? I'll just have a conversation with some people.

You smoke so much weed that your cum is so dumb. That it leaks out my butt. It leaks out your butt. Again, there was a woman that tweeted it, Ed. Oh your cum is so dumb. That it leaks out my butt. It leaks out your butt. Again, there was a woman that tweeted it and, oh, you're so funny. I want to go to bed with you. That Aussie chick is definitely going to get back in touch now. Such dumb cum. It leaks out of his butt.

You can't write it. You can't. Nor should you. You can't write it. You can't. Nor should you. You wrote it down. If that's in your notes, you've got to screenshot it. I need evidence that that was something that was actually made into paper. That's not comedy. Good God.

And if it is, it's not your own. Definitely not. Yeah. Definitely not. Yeah. Definitely not. Yeah. Honolulu police fatally shot a man outside his home after he refused orders to put down a 12-foot steel pole. I mean, what can you do?

Can you say that again real quick? Honolulu police fatally shot a man outside his home after he refused orders to put down a 12-foot steel pole. Yep. That's a big pole for a man to be holding on to, swinging around. Strong guy. The Honolulu Star advertiser reports

that police chief Louis Kailahoa said Saturday that officers repeatedly demanded the 43-year-old man let go of the pole, which had a six-inch blade attached to the end. Oh, there you go. That's the problem, Kate. Badass spear. Oh, yeah. go. Okay. Badass spear. Oh, yeah.

Huge spear. Kilohoa says officers who were responding to the Waipahu residents after a drop 911 call after 310 a.m. also tried using a stun gun. Too strong? Oh, too strong. Kilohoa says the man who witnesses say suffers from mental illness continued toward police in the backyard, and that's when an officer fired multiple shots. shots authorities say the man initially threatened a family member with the pole it's not right it's the best of his it's just like a it's just like a knife taped to a pole it's pretty bad

he like wanted to prove that he knew how to make a spear you're never gonna make a spear you fucking dumb samoan i'll make a. I'll kill you with it. I just can't believe that someone was actually this upset in Hawaii. Yeah. To, like, hold a spear at a cop and then get shot. I just can't believe this happens in Hawaii. That's very weird. That's what you're so upset about down there. I mean, how could you be upset?

There's a huge homeless population there. Of course! They're so nice! That's where I would go! Yeah. The first chance I got as a homeless man, I'd go to Hawaii. They're fucking brilliant. They don't need to buy a house at the beach.

They just live on the beach. I mean, the only reason you buy the house is so, you know, you're technically a legal resident. But, I mean, who wants it? All that upkeep. I would love to live on the beach in Hawaii. Under the radar is the way to go. Absolutely. Yeah, I always just felt like if I ended up homeless in New York, I'd do everything I could to get out of New York.

I feel like I've talked about this before. Oh, yeah. I don't know why homeless people stay in New York. It's just uncomfortable. Horrible. I guess the subway system's okay. I saw someone covered in boxes sleeping on the snowy, rainy street yesterday. It's awful.

God damn it, man. No, that's the thing. Being homeless in New York, just go west. Go west. Miami, right? Miami is a great place to be homeless. What are they going to do? Fucking walk to Hawaii? Well, you can't. Hawaii great place to be homeless. What are they going to do? Fucking walk to Hawaii?

Well, you can't. Hawaii's tough to get to. I mean, it's difficult with all those. Stowaway. Yeah, you've got to be a stowaway. It's the only way to get out there. Or you save up for a plane ticket. That's why they should have slave ships.

You know, just like if you choose to be on it. Indentured servants. Indentured servants that you don't get paid any money. So you just want to enslave the homeless? No, no, no. Put them up. If theyured servants. Indentured servants. Sure, sure. That you don't get paid any money. So you just want to enslave the homeless. No, no, no. Put them up. If they're willing. Take them to Hawaii.

They want to go there. It's better than here. Right. They're not slaves. They got a house. Yeah. Give them lodging. Yeah, they're too drunk to get any work done,

so you just send them over there. Okay. All right. Well, that's a good idea. Thanks, Gizzo. Screen door in your fucking ass. I mean, that's the thing. They're all going to drown when they take the Irish submarine vessel,

and it'll be a nightmare. The Polish. I'm sorry. The Polish are with the screen door. Yeah. Oh, my God. But, you know. The Irish would just drink their way out of the submarine.

It wouldn't be a problem for them. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Only if they were in Whiskey River, though. Yes. Otherwise, it's not helping. Well, I do feel as if my mind has been taken away, so Whiskey River is a fine reference. How big is the knife? Six inches.

Why would you put a six-inch knife on a 12-foot pole? So then you have a 12-and-a-half-inch pole. Yeah, maybe it's the only knife he had. You should put a bigger knife on it. Maybe it was the biggest knife he had. I mean, you just got to get in close with this guy. If you're fighting him. What you got?

Yeah, you got to get in close. Glue some scissors to it. If he's got a 12-foot metal pole, he's got a knife bigger than six inches. I feel like he could have just used the knife and not tied it to a huge pole. The police report says that he threatened a family member first. So do you think that he had the pole with the knife already made and then brought it out when he threatened the family member? Maybe for fishing.

Or if he taped the knife to the pole in order to threaten the family member? Maybe he just butters his bread from a long distance. Was it a butter knife? It's so far. Yeah. 12 foot's a long distance. Was it a butter knife? It's so far. Yeah. 12 foot's a long ways. It's a huge knife. Yeah, it's a huge stick to put a knife on.

That's for sure. I think it was a construction of passion. I think that he was very angry and he wanted the ultimate murder weapon and he thought that would be it because he has mental illness, you know, and he doesn't have any guns that shoot glue or something wacky like that that a crazy person would want to have on him. So he did that. You think that's the gun that every crazy person would want? A gun that shoots just a bunch of glue?

Yeah, stick people to the wall and then you can fuck with their heads. Yeah, that's true. You know? That's a good point. What do you say to them when they're against the wall? Oh, I guess you're stuck at home. Because they're stuck to the wall at home or something like that. Because you broke into their house and stuck them to the wall. Oh, I guess you're stuck at home because they're stuck to the wall at home or something like that. Could you broke into their house and stuck

them to the wall at home? Yeah, it's like weird supervillain puns is what you would say to them, you know? It's like, I guess you're in a sticky situation. I'm gay! Well, I don't know why you had to come out there at the end of it, but yeah. Scream I'm gay and weird stuff like that. I feel like there should be more gay

supervillains. Yeah. Well, I think they're all gay. They're all sort of feminine in a way. Pretty much Mysterio is gay. I'd say Electro's. All the Spider-Man villains are gay. Spider-Man himself is gay. I fucking hate Spider-Man.

He's the worst. He's such a pussy. Yeah. In a lot of ways. Definitely. Fuck him. I'd say the Joker is bi. I'd say the Joker doesn't give a fuck who he's fucking.

I don't even know if he fucks. The Reptile was straight, and Sandman was straight. Sure. I think those are straight supervillains. I think the Penguin was definitely gay. Penguin's gay, yeah. Riddler is clearly gay. I think someone put a curse on the studio.

Is that what happened? Is that what happened? Do you hear a voice talking? I hear some. Very nice. All right, well, we've established that. Thank you, Holden. That was very informative as far as the superhero villains.

I'm talking about gay villains. Ronald McDonald's gay. Well, he's not a villain, actually. He's kind of an American icon. He's kind of a villain. Wendy's a lesbian. Hamburglar. Totally gay.

All right, well, let's move on. Now he's Spanish. Yeah, okay. That doesn't mean he can't be gay. He can't be gay in Spanish. Open up your eyes. No way. None of them are gay. Yeah, well.

No, that big fucking purple blob thing. What was that fucking thing? Grimace. Grimace is not gay. Gay, yeah. He's not gay. He's gay. He's like an ass.

Yeah, a grim ass. Oh, please. Literally, he was the only gay one. Everybody else you said may have not been gay. He's a big fat black guy, right? He was purple. He's a purple guy. But speaking of big fat black guys, Fat Albert, where are we weighing here?

He's not gay. 350,000. Mushmouth. Gay. Mushmouth gay Harlem Globetrotters. What do you call Mushmouth for? Of course he's gay. I think you were just calling everybody gay.

It just seems like there's a consensus that everyone's gay. four. Of course he's gay. I think you were just calling everybody gay. It just seems like there's a consensus that everyone's gay. Only four out of the five starting Harlem Grove Shrouders are gay. Yeah. The rest. The one is straight. What about the Washington generals? Washington generals? Gay.

Jewish. Alright. Well, we've done nothing. 1989 Olympics. Gay. The whole Olympics? The Olympics are gay? That's a thing. That's like an event. All the Olympics are Gay. The whole Olympics? The Olympics are gay? That's a thing. That's like an event. All the Olympics are gay. I guess they got the rings and everything. I feel like

it's making me think about the world in a really different light. Scrooge, man. Gay. He was in a closet for the first part of his life, but you know. He was just hanging out with the cousins, pedophile. Getting feathered.

He was definitely an old man hanging out with little boys. You got that money bin. You can do whatever you want. Yeah. He bought those kids, right? Huey, Dewey, and Louie? Yeah. He didn't buy them.

But they were his nephews. They were his nephews. Makes it even worse. He bought them from his sister. He didn't rape Huey, Dewey, and Louie. You don't know that. Yeah, we do. They're ducks, number one. He didn't rape them., Dewey, and Louie. You don't know that. Yeah, we do. They're ducks, number one.

He didn't rape them. He paid them for sex. Well, it's duck laws. It's a different world. Abominable snowman in Looney Tunes. He's a snowman, so that's not even possible. They don't have sex. They're made from snow.

He's a Bigfoot type guy. He's like a yeti. The Abominable Snowman? Yeah, it's a yeti. Is it? Yeah. The National Snowman? That's he's a Yeti Is it? Yeah The National Snowman? No

That monster with no arms? Oh, the red one? Yeah Can't be gay with no arms Definitely But you're saying, yeah You can be gay with no arms I never heard of it

I never saw a gay man with no arms Well, it doesn't mean he doesn't exist Marcus, let's move on What's happening? A barber who apparently has a bit of a standing beef With one of his Ceylon's customers stabbed that customer in the testicles with a pair of scissors last Thursday in Seattle. I think it's fine.

That's what happens. According to the police report for the incident, the victim was getting his hair cut around 4 p.m. at a salon in the 400 block of 12th Avenue when one of the salon's other barbers started to joke around with him. He later told officers he knows this barber from around the neighborhood, and they are not friends. Definitely not. Why would this guy go to a barber that's a known enemy of him?

You don't have a man hold a knife next to your goddamn scalp if you know that you don't like each other. Your scalp? Scalp. Out of all the dumb things said, me mildly mispronouncing the word scalp is not the biggest fucking issue here. You mispronounced salon.

No, salon. Salon. That's a different way of saying it. That's a dumb way to say it, Marcus. Salon. Salon. Salon. Sounds like a fucking name.

Sounds like a child's name. Salon. I'm with you, Ben. Thank you. Well, now everyone's against me. This is great. How does it feel, Marcus? Where do you stand, Holden?

MacGyver's gay. MacGyver's not gay! Well, he was tricky. Well, I don't know. Whatever. It doesn't matter if they are all gay. They're all still... MacGyver's a lesbian.

Who? That's clever. All right, Marcus. Get your editing hat on, Marcus. Put on your editing hat. It's going to be a doozy. It's going to be a 15-minute episode. This episode's going to be...

Rebecca DeMorisaurus! Ooh, that's good. Rebecca DeMorisaurus. That's a funny one. Rebecca Demetrodon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Rebecca Demetrodon. What's a metrodon?

Sounds like she's got... Demorodactyl! Actually, a Demetrodon is an actual dinosaur. A metrodon? Demetrodon. What's a metrodon? Sounds like she's got... Dimetrodactyl. Actually, a Dimetrodon is an actual dinosaur. A metrodon? Dimetrodon. Dimetrodactyl is the best. Is that the duck one? Let's not, Marcus.

You know the spelling of Dimetrodon? Yeah. But you call it a Ceylon. The Dimetrodon, it's one of the coolest dinosaurs. It's the one that has the big spine on it. It has the big sail on it. Sexy dinosaur. So really, if we're talking actual dinosaur factuality, Rebecca Dimetrodon is the best one.

Yeah, but no one would know that it's a dinosaur, except for you. Other people will know. It sounds like a transformer. Yeah, Power Ranger villain. Listeners, if I said Dimetrodon and you knew what I was talking about, send us an email at cavecommyrare.com and we'll see who will be on the right side of history. Robot. Oh, please. If you don't know what it is, also send an email at cavecommyrare.com and we'll see who will be on the right side of history. Oh please.

If you don't know what it is also send an email. Let's fuck that. He's just like trying to make us look shit. Include a picture of your breasts and we'll audition you for breasts and boner pics please. I want to see some bone zones. I want to see some bone zones man. When was our last boner pic?

We have never had a boner pic. Send your bone. Did we get a flaccid cock? We need more clit picks. Yeah, if you have a large clit, send it over, you know, stuff like that. Whatever. I believe it's like inches. Yeah, you want a long, real, like, wormy one.

Yeah. Yeah, all right. All right. We got roast beefy looking. Man, roast beef curtains. I think that phrase always grossed me out the most of most phrases. The roast beef curtains? Roast beef curtains.

That gives me chills up my spine. Fur burger, too. Ew, what's fur? What? You know, fur burger. Fur burger? Fur burger? Eat that fur burger, bitch.

Get on the fur burger. Eat that fucking fur burger, uncle. Ew, I hate that. Put some pickles on it. All right, uncle. Ew, I hate that too. Put some pickles on it. Ugh. Fur burger. All right, Marcus. Ooh, time for a bit of snack.

Oh, the fur burger's very famous. I didn't know. Oh, fur burger, this fur burger, that. Kids are always talking about fur burgers. I know bearded clam. Bearded clam. Of course. That's fun, though.

Gashy gash. Fur burger's fun. Gash. Oh, yeah. Yeah, mashed potatoes gash. Axe wound. Yeah. Yeah, that's a fun one there, too.

Fucking Harrison Ford's gay. Dead skunk. Right. Yeah, whatever, you know. Dead skunk. Something like that. It's time for Pedophile Corner. Oh, yeah.

Squirt, squirt, squirt, squirt. Couldn't have picked a better episode for pedophiles. Oh, yeah. Come on in the band, everybody. Just got some new toys and lights. A lot of lights. That's kind of nice, I guess. Christmas lights.

But not really. It's not really a pedophile song. What? But kind of. That's not me. That's not me. I mean, it's better that it's not an actual pedophile song. Yeah, it did.

I love the song. You made us all so happy, and then you just fucking took it away. Well, maybe we need to look at ourselves. We were a little bit too happy about Pedophile Corner. Just remember the name of it. What's it about? Sorry. Yeah.

Say what we would do if we were pedophiles. I mean, you know. It'd be very nice. An entire class of primary school children was evacuated from a swimming pool because a prosthetic leg sticking out from underneath a cubicle was thought to be a pedophile. The alarm was raised when staff noticed the foot poking out as the eight and nine-year-olds got changed following a swimming lesson. nine-year-olds got changed following a swimming lesson. Teachers immediately took the children out of Larkfield Leisure Lounge in Aylesford, Kent, but were stunned to discover that the foot was actually part of a prosthetic leg.

A disabled man had innocently left it in his cubicle while he went for a swim. Poor guy. Oh, man. Yeah, why didn't they look at the one-legged swimmer and put two and two together? They just saw a foot, you know, a full man's foot. Yeah, but then there's a dude without a foot in the pool. I mean, you just gotta assume that maybe there's a prosthetic leg there. I mean, maybe the guy was just underwater the whole time.

Yeah, you can't. Well, probably not a good swimmer. You can't see the... Yeah. Just immediately drowned. What if he went home? Just forgot his foot. How do you forget your foot? I don't know. Out of all the limbs, like the feet are just such an important one to remember. Maybe he's like blind and deaf as well.

He hopped home. We can only hope. Yeah. So these kids were just all kind of scared but then nothing happened to them. Oh, man. Yeah.

How much fun would you have as a child if you found like a prosthetic foot? Oh, kick it around. Throwing it all around. Kicking girls in the butts. Totally. And you didn't technically do it.

Yeah, because I didn't technically do it. Yeah, because I didn't touch you. The foot touched you. Yeah. I don't think the argument's going to hold up in court. Do that with a fake penis. You'll get real far. Yeah, a prosthetic penis. That wasn't me.

That was the fake penis. It was the prosthetic penis. The dildo did it. The dildo touched you. I didn't touch you. Next coming to the stand, Robbie the dildo. Who? Wait, what just happened? What? I just pictured a dildo. Who? Wait, what just happened?

What? I just pictured a dildo being interviewed by a prosecutor. It was kind of fun. He's like, where were you the night of the 13th? He's like, well, I was in a butt. I was in a butt. I'm Robbie the dildo. I don't know.

That's what he would sound like. Yeah, probably. If a dildo could talk, they would just scream. I would love to talk to your dildo, Jackie. It depends on whose dildo. Yeah, Jackie's dildo would just come back like a non-veteran and hair all of fucking fizzle. You ain't seen what I've seen, goddamn it, man. Now, if he would talk like this, he would say, I live in mashed potatoes all day.

All day. Never gets out. Like he calls my vagina mashed potatoes. Yeah, mashed potato melt. No smoking in the courtroom, Dildo. No smoking in that courtroom. Another useless day in an inanimate object court.

Yep. We are on fire! I'll tell you, that was Irish. I got a law that's being overturned that's going to get you guys going. This is exciting. Don't say it too fast. Don't say it too quickly.

There is literally a man in this room sleeping right now, by the way. Mr. Pastrami brought a friend, and he loves the show. Loves it. He's dying right now. Literally dying. Sleeping. The vag dying right now. Literally dying. Sleeping. The Vagrancy Act of 1924.

Oh, this is really... Next story, skip it. The Vagrancy Act of 1824, which made it against the law to be an incorrigible rogue in England and Wales, has been repealed. Oh, thank God. Oh, unbelievable. Oh, my God. No longer unbelievable. Oh, my God. No longer incorrigible rogues will be roaming the streets. What's the definition of an incorrigible rogue?

According to the Oxford English Dictionary, an incorrigible person is someone who is, quote, not able to be changed or reformed. But you can do that legally now. You can be stubborn. You can now be an incorrigible rogue. Hold on. You're telling me that England had a rule that you couldn't be an asshole and everybody wasn't in jail?

Yeah, exactly. I would have seen as soon as they arrested a lot of fucking people over there. Bonking them on the head and things. You're under arrest for being an incorrigible rogue. Yeah, or a fucking piece of shit. An incorrigible rogue is a fucking piece of shit. Yeah, the Corse of a Rogue is a fucking piece of shit. The Vagrancy Act of 1824 was enacted to help curtail problems that arose in England following

the Napoleonic Wars when there were many soldiers returning to the country without jobs or places to live. The act was for the punishment of idle and disorderly persons and rogues and vagabonds. Ooh, I haven't met a vagabond in a while. A vagabond in a very long time.

That's how annoying the British were, huh? They had to pass a law against it? Yeah. Pass a law against just being a total fucking curmudgeon, huh? Yeah, and they're still fucking pricks. Oh, a bunch of them are. Yeah, they think that we're all dumb and stupid and fat, love our guns and shootings.

So much worse than the Irish. You think the English are worse than the Irish? Absolutely. I agree. Why not? The English are the worst. Yeah. Running around conquering everybody.

Oh, yeah. Spreading their English ideas. Disgusting. Go talk to the Indians. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They don't suck, the Indians. They're fine. That's right.

They're fine? No, they're dead. Yeah. No, no. He's talking different Indians. He's talking Asian Indians. Oh. Indian Indians?

Yeah, yeah. Indian Indians. Yeah. All right, yeah. Those people Indians. He's talking Asian Indians. India Indians? Yeah, Indian Indians. Yeah. All right, yeah. Those people did nothing for themselves for the longest. They like tea, though, now. So there's that. They made their own car.

What car? Something Indian. It was all in-house. They weren't allowed to live outside. It was named Something Indian? That was the name of the car company? It sucked, if I can... We had a Yugo growing up for a little while.

You did? And you survived? No, it never worked. Yeah, the Yugo was the worst car around. Was it $500? $600? It was so dirt cheap. My mom worked for Yugo. She did? Yeah, we got a discount on the Yugo. Wow, that's amazing. Wow.

It never worked. That's a pretty shitty looking car. So they paid you like 50 bucks to take it off the lot? Oh, it's the worst car ever. Yeah, it's on the list of the 50 worst cars of all time. Wow. Fix it again, Tony. There we go.

Number 39. Well, we're really all over the map on this episode, huh? We had some dildo talk, some Rebecca DeMornay talk. Now we're talking Yugo's. Rebecca DeMorn talk, some Rebecca DeMornay talk. Now we're talking yugos. Rebecca DeMornasaurus. Rebecca DeMornasaurus is very good. That was the original one. Rebecca Demetrodon.

Rebecca Demetrodon is also very good, Marcus. Thank you for acknowledging my contribution. Yeah, no problem. You knew way too much about dinosaurs when you knew how to exactly spell Demetrodon. It's spelled phonetically. Do you know what it smells like, though?

Smells like... Fursburger. Fursburger. Smells like Holden's pillow. Oh, right. Fursburger. That's not good. I got to de-stain my pillow tonight.

I forgot about that. Yes. Yes, you do. It's pretty ugly work. All right, Marcus. So the kids are out of the pool. There's no pedophile in the locker room. Everything is fine.

It's a story about how something didn't happen. Everything is fine. And you can now be an incorrigible rogue. You can be an asshole in England. We should go do it. Yeah. Are the Scottish? Man, I'll tell you what, man.

English people, when they come to my restaurant, they don't clean up after themselves one bit. You pick up your trash, you put it in the trash can in the fucking other side of the restaurant. No, they have nothing compared to French people. All of them. All of Europe. I want to go to Europe.

Only as a customer at a coffee shop. We should go to Europe and just go trash Europe and be like, we're Americans. Like, fucking shit on us. Oh, I think there's some Americans doing that right now. That's all we fucking do. Clean up after me. See, this is exactly, it's great too, though, but this is exactly how they view us too.

Yeah, that's how I view them. Those fucking dirty pieces of shit. Happy holidays, everybody. Happy holidays. There ain't no Christmas there. They don't deserve it. They have it, though. I watched Love Actually the other week.

All right, let's move on. Marcus, we're not talking about Love Actually. We're talking about Love Actually now. No, no. Oh, I have a Christmas story. All right. Let's do it. Let's talk about Christmas.

An 11-year-old boy was arrested yesterday for slugging his grandmother in the nose when she refused to buy him a toy at an Ohio department store. He punched his grandmother in the face. Yeah, you can't punch grandma in the face. He's 11. No, you can't punch grandma in the face. He's laughing. No, you can't do it. They sent him to the juvie. They sent him to juvie.

I love that that happened. I had a kid one time. I got up for a mom and her little kid to sit down, and the kid tried to punch me in the dick. When I stood up, he sat down on the seat that I got in the subway. I love this kid. I love this kid. Yeah, that's the thing. I love what this kid was up to. I stood up to this mom and her fucking bratty fucking kid to sit down.

The kid fucking sits down and takes a swing at my dick. I love this kid. And he hits the tip. And I was like, what the hell? And then the lady next to me was like, ha ha, kids are so adorable. I was like, no, no, that kid needs to go to jail now. Go to jail. I mean, I think he needs to be winning awards and shit.

I was like, that kid's going to grow up to be a little fucking thief, robber. Are you sure that wasn't Ed? Yeah, that's a child. I just programmed my mind into that child. I mean, you're the kind of guy, though, that kids look at and they want to punch in the dick. Like, that's the fun thing about it. Like, the kid made the right choice as far as who should I punch on the dick on the subway. It's like, kids got too much freedom, bro.

Yeah. I'm sick of this kid shit. Kid's got... They need to be taken down a peg. Oh, they're adorable, right? You always get that look from other people when a kid's being super annoying. I'm like, kids are so adorable.

Fuck that. They're so cute. It's like, no, that kid's being an asshole. No, that kid needs to get beat the fuck up. Yeah, that kid needs to get... Oh, he will. He will. That's the problem with that kid, though.

I think that kid is getting beaten the fuck up, and that's why he's punching random strangers. No, he ain't doing shit. That's the problem with that kid, though. I think that kid is getting beaten the fuck up, and that's why he's punching random strangers. No, he ain't doing shit. Nothing's happening to him. Yeah. Why are you yelling at the kid for punching and holding him in the dick? I'm just saying people need to start hitting their fucking kids more again, and they're not doing it.

Well, now the kids are hitting back, so it's very difficult. That's why they're hitting back. They're not fucking scared anymore. A child should live its life in fear. I mean, God knows in fear. Ed had a rough upbringing. His dad made him wear sweat bags and eat

until he shat. And I'm a nice man for it. Wild stuff. Wild stuff happens. I'm going to burn you into the ground. That's the terrible thing about it is that you're probably the best person I know. Good heart. That really is just the worst part of it.

I was abused as a child, Marcus. I'm one of the best people you know. Yeah, you're up there. I don't know. I don't know if that was very convincing there. Up there. You only know 12 people. Out of the top 100 people that you know. Top eight. Don't. Out of the top... You only know 12 people. Out of the top 100 people

that you know. Top eight. Don't put me on the spot. Top 100. Where am I? You know 100 people, Marcus. Don't put me on the spot like this. Put him in the top 10.

Top 10. He's in the top 10. I can't do it. Where am I at, Marcus? You're in the top 10. Hey. That is a lie. That's a lie.

That's not bad. Top 10. He did say top 10, though. That's pretty good. I'm definitely in the top 10, but he was really just lying. Oh, you're in the top five, Jack. Yes. Oh, wow.

Jacky. Yeah. Top five club. Yeah, top five club. And what a club it is. Ed and Jackie Zebrowski. Ooh, I wish I was in fucking that fucking club. Man, everyone would want to be in that fucking club.

You know what, Ben? You've dropped down just now. Oh. Talking shit about my top five. You can't talk shit about my top five. I'm not talking shit. I'm talking... That's bullshit, Marcus.

Over the night. You're out of the top eight, Ben. I don't even want to be in the top eight. I would rather hang out with incorrigible rogues than the fucking two best people Marcus knows. If I can have low 40s, I'm happy. Oh, man. You're top five.

Oh, please. Get me out of the top 100. Top five club. Who gives a fuck? Top five club. Top five club. No me out of the top 100. Top five club. Who gives a fuck? Top five club. No one's going to the party. Yeah. No one's going to the party.

Sit down, Holden. Don't celebrate. No one can see you celebrate. It's radio. It was a great celebration dance, though. That's bullshit. That's absolutely. I've been nothing but fucking nice to you this whole goddamn time, Marcus.

I didn't say people. You're top 10. It's not bad. Well, all right. I don't want to be Top ten! It's not bad! Well, alright. I don't want to be top five. I got into the top five. All I could hear is Bob Marley in my head. Oh, yeah. And I'm peaceful now. I feel great, man.

Alright. Well, that's very nice. It's just nice to be nominated. Is that right? Screen doors on a submarine. You can't do it, you dummies. You fucking idiot. You fucking idiot. You can't do it, you dummies. You fucking idiot. You fucking idiot. You fucking Polish.

You can't put it on there. So what happened? What's this kid's charge? I mean, I guess abuse or what? He was charged with domestic violence. I would say that I don't like this idea of bringing police officers to arrest 11-year-olds and putting this on their permanent record. There was a six-year-old who kissed a girl on the cheek recently and was arrested for

sexual assault. No, he wasn't arrested. He was kicked out of school. What? He was arrested he wasn't arrested. He was kicked out of school. He was arrested. He was charged. And they dropped the charges. He wasn't charged. He was arrested.

It doesn't matter. He was handcuffed. Marcus, our newsman, is looking it up right now. I mean, I have to say that is an incredibly... He kissed a girl on the hand. That is a very six-year-old thing to do. You got to do it. Well, he'd apparently been kissing this girl a lot.

Okay, well, there you go. But it doesn't matter. She wanted it. At the same time, a two-day suspension, and they labeled him a sexual harassment offender. Yeah, yeah. And his violence shit is six. Hang on, hang on, hang on.

Why is it always the guy's fault? That's what I'm telling you. She had hands. Yeah. What if she wanted it? And he only kissed her on the hand That's it On the hand

But he kissed her on the cheek a bunch before this It's fine It's just a six year old trying to figure out how to get a person to like him And the girl liked it That's the sad part What? The mom who pressed the charges is the teacher also This mother needs to be fired as a mother and fired as a teacher

She needs to be Fucking sucks She's awful How do you not get that kids flirt with each other? It's disgusting This mother needs to be fired as a mother and fired as a teacher. She needs to be... That fucking sucks. She's awful. How do you not get that kids flirt with each other? That's disgusting. This mom's a terrible, terrible woman. She reminds me of... What's Carrie's mother from the movie Carrie?

She's probably a very prudy, religious-type woman that keeps her daughter in a goddamn closet half the week. Guess who's now going to get married? Those two fucking kids. I hope so. Is that rebellious shit. Tie this woman's feet together and throw her in a river.

Absolutely. See if she's a witch. Yeah. It's the only way you can tell. Oh, I agree. And the kid who got suspended,

they tie her up and they kiss a hole through her hands. Sort of like a tiny Chinese water torture but with kisses. They wet up her hands and they just kiss,

kiss, kiss until a hole is burrowed through her hands. And they play Love Hurts the whole time. Yeah, Love wet up her hands and they just kiss, kiss, kiss until the hole is burrowed through her hand. And they play Love Hurts the whole time. Yeah, Love Hurts. Kiss off her nipples. Kiss off the nipples. That would take a long time

to get your nipples kissed off. You could bite them off pretty quick. Suck off the nipples. Bite off the nipples. You know what I'm saying? To actually kiss it though, to kiss off a nipple,

I mean, your lips, I think, might go first. Fart them off. Well, farting off a nipple, that's tough to do. Farting off the nipples. Dude, have you smelled Ed's farts?

That fucking nipple will be off that fucking thing in two farting off a nipple dude have you smelled Ed's farts that fucking nipple will be off that fucking thing in two seconds as a matter of fact that is very true I'm gonna fart on your tits that's gonna lead to a whole other porno genre

though that I don't really want to be a part of is that a fetish Marcus is that a fetish oh it is farting on tits fart on anything

can we go fart on tits for us would ya yeah of course definitely fart on tits has gotta be a massive fetish I'm sure. Definitely. Fart on tits has got to be a massive fetish. I'm sure it's probably a lesbian thing. Probably gals doing it to other gals.

I've seen the fart on cakes. I think, Ben, you'll meet me when we watch the fart on cakes. Oh, yeah. I remember that mutual masturbation session we had when we both watched fart on cakes. What do we got? Nothing? No, Marcus. It's just some kids fooling around.

Farting around. Fat tits get farted on. Okay. It's a pretty great name. It's like some dude'sing around. Farting around. Fat tits get farted on. Okay. It's a pretty great name. It's like some dude's fat friend. And he farts on them. He's like, oh, his fat tits go farting on them. It is funny.

And I actually see how they could have thought that that was going to go viral. That's close. They got 3,000 hits. That's good. More than anything we've ever done. We've been in the New York Times and fart on big fat tits has gotten more hits than any fucking video. I think we should take something from this.

Here's the description. Yeah, once again we attack fat kid, but this time with a fart. Nick attacks good. He's been brewing this for a long time. Sounds like a lawnmower. D.Coup. I love these kids. Fat tits get farted on.

Two thumbs up, two thumbs down. Oh, okay. It's a split house. Split decision. Well, you know. I think a lot of people wanted to see more of the tits and probably have a better camera shot there. Other people want to see more of the farts and less of the tits. Yeah, it's tough to please everybody all the time.

One of the comments, thanks for this. Thanks for this, yeah. So they brightened up somebody's day. There you go. That's very nice of them. I guess we gotta start putting out murder-fist videos just fuckingened up somebody's day. There you go. That's very nice. I guess we got to start putting out murderfist videos just fucking farting

on tits. If you could just fart on Henry that would be amazing. Murderfist farts on Henry. That's funny. Fart on some cats.

Sure fart on cats could be big. People love cats people love farts combine them. It's cute dogs. Yeah we should probably edit that

out or else someone is going to fucking take that shit. Yeah someone's going to take that great fart on cats idea. You put the idea out there. Yeah, someone's going to take that great fart on cats idea. You put the idea out there.

Yep. That's for the taking. Farts on cats. Marcus, does it exist? Yeah, oh yeah. Oh, it already exists. He's been doing it for years. Every idea already exists, doesn't it?

I mean, I wish you would have came to it, because fart on cat, it's got 100,000 views. 100,000 views for fart on cat. Eddie. It is the internet and a cat is in it. You're so close to being famous. That's incredible. You're so close. Oh, my goodness.

It was just a cat laying on an ass. Yeah. I mean, you should have heard the fart. It was pretty impressive. It was a good fart. Well, play it for the roundtable listeners. We won't be able to hear it, but I'll assume it's exceptionally good. This one's good.

What is this, another fart on cats? It's a guy in a full pink bodysuit just farting on cats. Okay, we'll put this video on the roundtable page. Hell, this might actually translate well to the last podcast page as well. Oh, this guy is just farting on cats. Yeah, and then they kind of look around like, what was that? Isn't that something? That cat got got!

Yeah, that cat did get got. He does it a lot. He's bad about it. He is good at farting on cats. That's one thing this man does well. Where do you get a full body suit like that? Morph suits. Morph suits.

Jackie's got a morph suit. Yeah, that's great. Full one, like head to toe. Yeah, it's a skeleton. That's cool. It glows in the dark. Yeah. I have a onesie. So Marcus will post that's great. Full on, like, head to toe. Yeah, it's a skeleton. That's cool. It glows in the dark. Yeah. I have a onesie.

So Marcus will post that up there. Very similar to that. Post it. It's up there on the roundtable page. Oh, great. That's amazing. So check that out. Thank you, Marcus.

I got to run. But do we... I mean, how long have we been doing this? Well, it's time for a segment from old McNeely anyway. Should we do a speed one? We're doing an hour. You go. You go.

You always phone him in anyway. I don't phone them in. I'm always right here. I don't fucking go to the other room and Skype in. All right, Kissel, Kissel, then before you go, you do a speed one. You all know when you won. Yeah. All right, all right.

So it's Extinction 2014. You need to give us an animal or a type of person that you wish would go extinct in 2014. Marcus owns a big game hunter, you know, deep sea fishery, and he is willing to take out whatever animal or type of human you would like taken out next year. He's doing a charity case, and he's going to pick the one

most favorable from the choices options given. What ideas y'all got? I think that this is going to be tricky. What ideas y'all got? I mean, Holden? What do I have? No. Can I just have you extinct?

And as soon as Holden told me the idea, the first thing I said was, you know, Ben's just going to say Holden. Yeah. There you go. Wow. So I did it, and I should win, right? Happy holidays. I mean, I have to win. For being very predictable?

For being right? Because it's the only answer that makes any sense? Is it going to be me? Marcus, can you just tell me, what's your answer, Ed? Mosquitoes. Mosquitoes, okay, Jackie. I want mosquitoes gone forever. No, see, that's the whole point, is I want to talk about it.

I want to talk about why mosquitoes fucking suck. But we already know why I want Holden off the face of the planet, so I don't have to talk about it. Is it people also like him? Mosquitoes serve no purpose. Humans like me as well? Okay. There's only one Holden. Yeah. to the planet, so I don't have to talk about it. Is it people also like this reptilian sort of humans like me as well? Okay.

Oh, there's only one Holden. Yeah. Yeah. We all know that. Lord, hope so. Yeah. And we got him. Okay.

Pokemon is gay. I got mine. Okay, Jack, what's yours? Slow drivers. Really? Get rid of all slow drivers. Slow dockers. And slow walkers.

Slow walkers can go fucking die. Holden's a slow driver and a slow walker, so that's two for him. The people that are the fast drivers or the fast walker or when they get in your way, you have also the complete right that you give, what's it called, asylum to anyone that can just fucking shoot them. Shoot them in the goddamn fucking head. Jackie also gets extra points for not choosing the Chinese.

I made very, the second you said it out of your mouth, I'm like, don't say anything racist. She did do slow drivers and slow walkers though. I do have to say that they are. I went through all that in my head. I went through it too. How do I stop myself?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mosquitoes. I got nothing else. Just everyone stay away from actually attainable Holocaust. Yeah, yeah. Just stay away from it. No, because that's everybody.

It's not even attainable anymore. You can't do another Holocaust. Yeah, yeah. Well, I mean. Oh, it that's everybody. That's not even attainable anymore. You can't do another Holocaust. Yeah, yeah. Well, I mean. Oh, it's happening every day. It's happening right now someplace. In the world. Happy holidays.

All right. There's a group of Holdens. There's a tribe of Holdens just getting Holocausted in Africa tomorrow. God, that would be fun to watch. I want to be a black me. How much did it cost? To what? I'm just kidding.

The Holocaust is just a good little joke. Oh, how much did it cost?. Oh, how much did it cost? The Holocaust, how much did it cost? And his sperm is so dumb. It comes out of his butt. It comes out of his butthole. God, that's a good one. Yeah, you could use it on stage.

Can I have it? Yeah, yeah, take it. I'm upset that I no longer hold. I feel like I'm still like nine out of the ten worst jokes ever uttered on the podcast. But that's number one. That's a great joke. Mr. Mishrami, what do you got for us? Oh, man.

Things that I want to extinct. Just one thing. Jets fans. I'll kill anything. He'll do it all. Anything you'll just take it all. And I got a whole team that's chomping at the bit. Chomping at the bit.

Business has been slow for 25 2015. Very much like surviving the game with iced tea. He's got a Busey type character in his posse. He's got some real rogue individuals. Encourageables. Keanu Reeves. Okay. Whoa! Leave him alone! What did he ever do to you? Not taking that one. Wow.

You like Keanu? For what? I love Keanu. Who doesn't love Keanu Reeves? What's he ever done? He's ruined every movie I've cared about. No. But he's so cool. What are these movies? Matrix. All of the Matrix.

He was incredible in the Matrix. Matrix sucks so hard. Oh, my God. Would have been great without him. Oh, my God. Anyone could have done that. What about Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure? Yeah, he's perfect in that movie.

That was it. That's the only movie. I'm going to grant you just one movie. Well, that's all you need. What about Point Break? Devil's Advocate. That's the only movie. I'm going to grant you just one movie. Well, that's all you need. What about Point Break? Devil's Advocate. Devil's Advocate would be so much better without him. Constantine.

Fuck that movie. You know what movie fucked up worse is Dracula, man. He fucked that movie up. He really did that movie and that was so good. Nicolas Cage and Keanu Reeves are the two greatest actors in Hollywood history. Earlier, this 47 Ronin movie would be so good if it was anyone else. Yeah. Any other person.

There you go. I'll do my choice really fast. It's Showtime on the subway. Oh, yeah. I love Showtime. Showtime. Anything. Showtime.

Showtime. I'm not just talking about those dudes. I'm talking about anything on the subway. Anything. I love a subway performance. In the tunnels, I'm fine. On the actual subway, I saw a lady selling candy gone you're done she's selling candy what's wrong with the speech before you sell candy just fucking rile up the people hey i'm selling candy for my

baseball team what is he selling the candy for? His baseball team. I'm making honest money. Okay, well, this is an honest guy. I'm not killing you. I'm not stealing you. What do you mean, I'm paying taxes? Marcus, it doesn't matter. I win, right? No, I don't know.

I'm with Holden. Yeah, I'm with Holden. It doesn't matter who you're with. Be with Holden. Be with Holden. I'm with Holden. That's really good. Yes! Top five. You went with Holden. Be with Holden. I'm with Holden. That's really good. Yes!

Top five. You went with Holden? Top five. Oh, fuck you all. Oh, great. All right. Well, Jackie's number two. Ed Larson's number one on Markets' top fucking five of nicest friends around or whatever.

No, no, no. You already. See, that's why you're not in top five. You don't listen to me. Why? What is it? And then Holden's on there. What was it?

What was the top five? Most fucking likely to die from diabetes? If you weren't listening the first time, I have no reason to say it. Whatever. Best natured friends. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter at all. This has been the best podcast we've ever done.

This is it. This is it.'ve ever done. This is it. The Roundtable. Top five Roundtable episodes ever. Oh my god, see you next year. And watch these cats get farted on on the Roundtable page. And join the Roundtable page as well. It's on Facebook. Check it out and it's very, very fun.

People post a bunch of random shit. At RT of gentlemen. Yeah, and then Twitter is at the RT of gentlemen, which is good. A bunch of other stuff. And RT stands for round table. Yes, it does. Good. Send in boner pics, do that shit.

Yeah, and more tit pics. We're always very, very nice. I really take them seriously. Boner zone. So send them in. If you're not going to get hard for the pic, don't send it. Why don't I? Okay, if you want to send boner pics, send boner pics.

Jackie needs something, too, but tit pics are more than welcome. I don't want no fucking non-boner dick pics. Like a flaccid penis. Oh, you don't want a flaccid penis. No. Boner. Just boner only. Boner half hard.

Boner only. You want to send it? Boner. Boner only. Okay. You can't boner. Send me a picture of your fucking asshole. Oh, well, I swear we're going to get those.

And Marcus, you can just forward those right to Ed Larson. Oh, everyone's seeing those. Well, we will. I want your Aussie back. I'm going to send it to you once a day, every hour, but I'm going to disguise them with really important

sounding subject lines so you never know which one it's going to be. Like, Ben, you have an opportunity to really creep up in my most fucking loved list if you read this

goddamn article all about my aunt. It's nothing but buttholes. All right, everybody. We'll talk to you soon. Good night. America. Good night.