The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 177: Beaverton, OR

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

This wwek on the Round Table: an Oregon man fights off twelve cops while masturbating, an overweight virgin almost kills his girlfriend during his first go round, and Jose Canseco is in goat trouble. Joining us today: Jermaine Fowler, Reid Faylor, and Henry Zebrowski!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay down, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Alright, I'm gonna go. Alright, Jermaine, if you want to give us the luxury of hearing you pray, that would be awesome. Thank you, Lord, for waking us up this morning, keeping us in our right mind.

That creeps me out. I ask you, Lord, to please forgive us for our sins we've committed, knowing and unknowing. Please watch over our family and friends. Thank you so much, Lord. In Jesus' name I pray. I love you. Amen. Wow, very interesting. Hell you so much, Lord. In Jesus' name I pray. I love you. Amen. Wow. Very interesting.

That was so sweet. Hell yeah. Throwback prayer. That's a real prayer. Jesus waking you up in your sleep by grabbing your legs, you know? That was, of course, a prayer to your uncle, right? Mm-hmm. That's nice.

Uncle Jesus. Yeah, Uncle Jesus. The molesting one. Welcome to the roundtable of gentlemen, everybody. Obviously sitting in for Kevin Barnett, we got Jermaine Fowler. Hey, Ben. Hello, Jermaine. Thank you.

Yeah. It was nice. That's the first black person to ever pray, though, because Kevin doesn't do it. He thinks it's blasphemous when you guys do it, right? Yeah, he does. I think it makes him mad. I'm not going to tell him because it's all a big fake. Fun story.

That's right. Sitting in for Jackie Zabrowski. I'm sure he'll be just as angry as she is. Henry Zabrowski. No, I it's all a big fake. Fun story. That's right. Sitting in for Jackie Zabrowski. I'm sure he'll be just as angry as she is. Hey, no, I'm here. I came. Don't do that. Me, Jackie. That's not right.

I've got the Indian disease called long clit. That's not true. Oh, all Indian women got that long clit. That's why they lost the war. Oh, is that when they were tripping over their clits? Is that where the term Redskins comes from? Henry, please tell us, how fat is that family dog? Oh, Lord.

Dog is at 120. The vet has refused to work with my mother anymore. Really? Yeah, so the dog looks like Louie Anderson. What do you feed it, rice? My mom hand feeds it fried eggs off a plate because it can't get off its bed. My mom makes it fried eggs and then fork feeds it into its mouth and it just goes like. I mean, that's the thing.

You almost understand how a human could eat themselves into a bean bed. We only have two legs. A dog has four legs. Thank God you got out of that house, man. Jesus Christ. Do you remember that Mexican man that was like 650 pounds? The world's fattest man. Yeah, yeah.

That's what this dog's become. His eyes just roll into a side of his head. And my mom's like, oh, she's so spoiled. And I was like, no, she's fucking paralyzed. You're killing her. You're killing the dog. Munchausen syndrome. Those are John Candy's last days.

Yeah, just wagons east. Someone's feeding him ham sandwiches. My mom made a Virginia ham sandwich with potato bread she made it it wasn't like oh here's a little of my sandwich

she made it a sandwich three ham sliders you know what's funny is that people give dogs leftovers like shit you've already she cooks for it she cooks for the dog

that's disgusting she put like onions and mustard on it just to think That she thinks That's how she likes it Holiday sauce They have to help

The dog shit By pressing on its back Really Yeah Really I had to do it To my kitten I had a kitten

I used to think I had to press On its tummy You gotta kill that It would squirt poop It's gonna be a bad life What are you gonna do Cats live 20 years

You're gonna fucking Make it shit Every day Your whole life? They deleted those scenes out of Aristocats. Oh, yeah. The making them shit scenes. All right. Well, speaking of someone who loves to shit, if you push his fucking belly in.

Oh, my God. I can't shit. Who else is here? Top Cat. That's me. I'm here. Fucking cats. Fucking cats.

Very nice. Very nice. Cat was sleeping on my bed, rubbed its shitty ass on my pillow, and now I got a fucking sty in my eye. This is a true story. So I'm ready to fucking kick a cat to death. You want to kick one to death. Any cat will do. You're

overgeneralizing. This is how people join the Klan. Oh, I'm joining the Cat Klan. The Cat Klan? KKC. Kuklux Klat. Klat. Klat. I'm not KKC. Ku Klux Klan. Klaas. Klaas. Yeah, I'm not sure with that.

That's fine, though. Klaas. Yeah. That's a large guy in the Dolphins jersey doing kicking all the cats. You wouldn't believe in a cat one time. People say I'm a bit of a dog person. Hey, Ben, I got another one. I got another one.

I don't want any yet. I told you to stop doing it years ago. You lure the man with fried eggs? Holy Christ, but it's just Henry's dog crawling to the plate. No, it's not for you, Henry's dog. What's the name of your sweet, sweet, sweet pet? My mom gave it a name a long time ago. It's called Gracie Bell.

Gracie Bell had to be fat. Anything named Gracie Bell is going to be fat. There's a 300-pound Wisconsin girl named Gracie Bell. Gracie Bell had to be fat. Anything named Gracie Bell is going to be fat. There's a 300-pound Wisconsin girl named Gracie Bell right now. Yeah, you're fired from Old Country Buffet from eating too much. They said I was double dipping. I was triple dipping, so they were wrong. But I ain't guilty till I see my lawyer. Yeah, we got a special food lawyer for Gracie Bell.

That's right, the Gracie Bell food lawyer. You can make an entire private practice out of that. Who else is here? Oh, no need to introduce me. I will do it myself. Okay. My name is the one and only Holden McG- Oh my god. Welcome back

to the fuck, boys and girls. Henry, can you kick him? Instead of cats? That's right. They used to call me a pussy, and then they called me too fat. But I say I'm Holden McNeely, back from the dead.

Welcome back. But I'm Holden? Yes, for the rest of the podcast, I will be talking like this. So get used to it, boys and girls, clowns and boars. Clowns and doors? Boars. I thought you were calling out doors.

Yes. That's great. Starting a theme park. About me. Everyone's gonna go. You try the whale ride? What do you do on the whale ride? That's what's fun. On my roller coasters, I hide old fish under the seats

so you get a good, fun smell when you're riding the coaster. Everybody ride grandma's pussy slime trail. I love grandma's pussy slime trail. I want to go on again. Watch out. Don't go on in bare feet or you'll get hepatitis C. The C one. That's not

bad. You'll get hepatitis C. Is that the best hepatitis? It's the best of all get hepatitis C. The C one. That's not bad. You'll get hepatitis C. Is that the best hepatitis? It's the best of all the hepatitis. It's the best hepatitis to have? It's passing. It's not failing. That's right. All right, Ben.

A complimentary nosebleed with every ride. And now, Ben, I'll hand this show back over to you. You know what? Keep it. Have the show. I don't want it anymore. It's tainted. Disgusting. Refaler. It's Ben? Keep it. Have the show. I don't want it anymore. It's tainted. Disgusting.

Reed Baylor. It's been show now, boys and girls. Clowns and kids. I'm just so upset. I know. It's just infuriating. It's just infuriating. Reed Baylor is here.

Yes. All right. Stoned to the fucking hair. 13-minute intro to this show. Unbelievable. How stoned are you? What kind of weed you smoke? Oh, no, I don't do any of that.

Was it an indica? If you're listening to this, I'm still an Eagle Scout. I pick up some litter. Someone argued being a scout is more evil than being a pothead. Oh, I would totally agree with that. Yeah, scouts are former clansmen. John Wayne Gacy and Ted Bundy were both Eagle scouts. That's right.

We discussed it on yesterday's last podcast. Oh, no, they smoked weed. John Wayne Gacy was awesome with the weed. Really? Yeah. Oh, man, that's how he used to lure the kids in. He's like, yo, man, you want to ride around? I got a joint.

And they'd be like, well, yeah, sure. He smoked it, though. I think the guy was like, do you just want me to take all this to the fucking brain? He's like, yes, do it. I mean, that's how you can trick people with that rope trick. Much easier if they're stoned to the gills. Yeah, I tied up in last night. All right.

What's in the news, Marcus? Portland police officers. You ride. Oh, I can't wait till you go to the cheese house. There's lots of cheesy covered things in there for you to eat. It's just cheese covered rats. Absolutely. I'd bring an extra set of clothes if you're going to a party afterwards.

Because you'll be reeking of cheese. Put a glove on your dick and you get in 15% off. Wow, not bad. That's right. That's right, mandatory dick checks at the door. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I gotta put bad. That's right. Mandatory dick checks at the door. Oh, yeah. I gotta put your dick in my mouth. Be sure to

swing by on Mother's Day if you want to claw your eyeballs out. I gotta suck your dick to get in. Yeah, that's great. Can I be one of your employees, Holden? Absolutely. I'll put you in a mouse costume and you can chase me. I'll be dressed up as cheese. You can chase me around the theme park

and I'll be like, naughty, naughty. But the cheese will have a big fake fluffy pussy on the front of it and you have to go try to eat it out. Oh, is there actual real cheese involved? Yeah, yeah. If you eat the big fluffy fake pussy, I'll have a little button I can push the cheese out of it.

Real cheese out of his ass. Oh, wow. I might get my exercise. Absolutely. Pussyago cheese. The easy cheese pussy juice of Holden McNeely in a cheese costume. Fucking milk coming out of his ears. Oh, that's great. That is not going to be shut down in 35 minutes.

This pussy's sharp. And now, Ben, the show goes back to you. Alright, Marcus, well now the show goes to you you. Thank you. All right, Marcus. Well, now the show goes to you. So give us a minute story, would you? It's a win. Portland police officers used the promise of a sandwich to lure a suicidal naked man off a downtown parking structure on Saturday.

The victim, Ed Larson. I know, Eddie. Eddie, what do you need, Eddie? I know you did this so you could be on the show. I just can't find a good sandwich in New York City. You're in New York City. It should be the sandwich capital of the the show. I just can't find a good sandwich in New York City. You're in New York City. It should be the sandwich capital of the world. And I just can't get a deal.

We'll make you a sandwich. You have to get naked. You have to get naked and go to the top of a building. Please don't ruin the freeway, Eddie. I'm not a hero. The ghost of me is just on the freeway screaming about sandwiches for all eternity. Car just zipping through.

Did you smell ham a couple of miles back? Give me a sandwich! Give me a sandwich! Oh, that was terrifying. At 11.10 a.m., officers from Central Precinct responded to a call

about a naked man, possibly armed with a knife, who was acting as if he planned to jump off a parking garage. They did not notice. They didn't notice that it was a butter knife

covered in mayonnaise. Right. I'm looking for some fried bread! I'm looking for some turkey meat! I mean, he was one-third on his way to having a great sandwich. Couple pieces of bread and some turkey. He had the mayonnaise! I like to think he just forgot about sandwiches. Yeah.

And that's how they talked about, did you remember sandwiches? I forgot about that! My mother would forget this. If you literally just got My mother used to get this. If you literally just got reintroduced to sliced bread, that's like the best thing. He's been having tortillas

for years. How dark was this man's poor mind if a sandwich is what saved his life? Just the idea of a sandwich. What was he thinking going into this suicidal trip? When the man was cutting himself with a knife and suffering from some type of mental health crisis. An officer with special training in mental health

work talked to the man and learned that he was hungry. Officers got the man a sandwich from the nearby hotel Deluxe, convinced him to step away from the garage ledge, and took him into custody. And beat the shit out of him. Did he get to eat the sandwich, though? They beat him with the sandwich. Oh, that's sad. Look, mom shit out of him. Did he get to eat the sandwich, though? They beat him with the sandwich.

Oh, that's sad. Look, Mom, a jelly donut. He called himself a jelly donut. I love that's one of his funniest Christmas jokes. Yeah, if you'll notice, it did not say they lured him off with a sandwich. They said they lured him off with the promise of a sandwich. They never gave him a

sandwich. They didn't give him the sandwich. That's his fault. You demand to see a sandwich. They never gave him a sandwich. They didn't give him the sandwich. That's his fault. You demand to see the sandwich. I'll have it in my hand and I'll get down. Is it undercover cop like dressed in a giant sandwich costume? Rogers, get up there. He's never gonna

believe me. He's laying on a giant plate. Next thing you know, he's just screaming for his life. He's eating my neck. He's eating my neck. Please, just one more dance with the sandwich king. I just want to say, how nonchalant of the cop. Well, this man's naked.

He's cutting himself. You hungry? You hungry, are you? This is our... He hasn't tried anything. He's like, how about a sandwich, man? You know what?

I didn't even think about it. You know, I haven't eaten since nine. I had Ebola oatmeal. I've been up on this goddamn roof for eight hours now. They hired the best sandwich negotiator in New York City. Let's see you come down and we get you a sandwich. Sandwich! God damn it, Clark.

The greatest crisis manager has done it again. Get Clark in here! Get Clark! 30 years straight. Flawless. Yeah. All you do is... And they cut to the dude

In his bed With a gun in his mouth And they call him Hey Clark We need you for one One last job And he's like What is it

Dude about to kill himself He just goes to the refrigerator I just make some Fresh pumpernickel Puts his sandwich In a violin case And takes it down How many people

How many suicides Could be averted If the person in charge with the megaphone was just like, sandwich, you want one? Want a sandwich? How about a sandwich?

I would step down. Boy, I know I'm in a bad mood if I haven't eaten anything all day. Oh, absolutely. I get so excited when I don't eat a sandwich. I know. I always said,

always never make a big decision on an empty stomach. Absolutely right. Absolutely right. I'm going to kill myself. Well, hold on. Let's brunch it first. You gotta have a brunch. Holden, what kind of food

would you need to get you to step down from a garage? Smoked gouda. I just pictured cheese. Just straight smoked gouda. Yeah, I mean a smoked gouda is very good. I would love a broth and throw some socks in there. Oh, a socky broth.

I'd suck it down with one of those big straws, one of those funny straws. Oh, okay. Yeah, that would work. Those are fun straws. That's always fun, you know. So just a socky broth with a fun swirly straw and that would get you not to commit suicide. I didn't rape her, man. Oh, but now you're a rapist.

You keep throwing that in there. Right. It's not a secret if you keep running to buy every month. We're not talking about that. I almost think that he might have raped a girl. He just keeps saying it. It's like he's convincing himself that he did it.

I would have never thought that he would have. I like to say things that I didn't do. So I didn't rape her. I didn't graduate math class. I didn't graduate math class. Didn't graduate math class. Rapper loves my mom. And I don't like dog porn. Oh, okay. So you love dog porn.

Well, I'll tell you one thing. We all know for a fact that Holden graduated from math class, huh? That's pretty great. He loves dog porn. You see him watch Dogs Fuck? Sometimes. Would you watch his Dogs Fuck? No, Daisy Bell or whatever.

Daisy just gets railed on. Yeah, yeah. BBD movies. Oh my God. Big fat dog. Beautiful dog. Ha! Oh, Miss Bell has had a rough life.

We can't. You're a fat bitch, aren't you? 120 pounds is a human's weight. That's more than I weigh. That's more than me. I weigh 135. That's crazy. Yeah, you're almost dog weight. Dude. You are I weigh. That's more than me. I weigh 135. That's crazy. Yeah, you're almost dog weight.

Dude. You are a dog. It depends on the dog. What kind of dog is it? It's a black lab. Oh, it's a big dog. It's a big dog. My mom's just like,

no, black labs, they love to rest. I was like, no, they don't. They're dancing loud. They're like active dogs. They're horses. Yeah, they're the most active

of all the dogs. They're beautiful. They have manes. They're beautiful creatures., they're the most active of all the dogs. They're beautiful. They have manes. They're beautiful creatures. They need to be out. It's feeder fat. You know when they talk about, like Monique talked about how her feet would go in his shoes and it would bowl over the side of the shoes?

That's what she has. I like how you call them feet, not paws. She's growing feet now because it's so big. It's feet size. She's growing feet. Oh my goodness. She's got a job. She's growing a foot. Man feet size. She's grown feet. Oh, my goodness. She's got a job. She's grown a foot.

Man, that is fucking crazy. You've got to take pictures, dude. Does it have fat on its nose? It's all fat. It's arms are now fucking six inches long. Does it make any noise? It's just a dog's fear. Like, literally goes like...

That's how it barks? Because they're like, oh, he makes fun little barking noises. No, it's because the fat's pressing on his fucking throat. Does it have sleep apnea, too? I'm sure it does. He sounds like Dom Delewis. And how old is he? Nine.

He's nine. Okay, well, he's an older guy. That's all right. He's got a couple of months left of happy living. Yeah, do you think that dog is going to... do you think you'll see that dog next year? I think the dog's going to get to my dad's old security officer gun and blow its fucking nose out. He got so fat he grew fingers and was able to pull the trigger with a fucking opposable thumb. Marcus, do we want to go to another news story?

I got a fad story. Okay, let's go. We're done with the suicide story. Everything is fine with the guy. I don't know if everything is fine. Don't talk about that. It's a fad story. We didn't say anything about those wrongs

on this podcast. They don't exist. How about that? They do exist. I'm going to fight for it. They do exist. They're good people. All I'm going to say is it and say that they do exist. They're good people. I'll tell you what. All I'm going to say is you choose, you lose.

So whenever you're making choices. You either watch The Hobbit or you don't watch The Hobbit. I don't know if that's a euphemism for what. That I don't understand. Watching The Hobbit means like you're getting, I don't know. We love everyone. We love all of them. You know what?

Let's just move on. But you're wrong. Let's get to this fag story. Yeah. All right. Well, now... All right. Yeah.

Marcus. An obese virgin hospitalized his girlfriend after his enthusiastic thrust resulted in her head being bashed through a plasterboard wall. That happens. Greg Serona, who weighed in at a hefty 434 pounds, feared for the worst after concussing Jen Garakaris, who weighed just 112 pounds at the time. This was a champion.

Champion. Yeah. How many times have you done this, Ben? I mean, well, I don't even know. I'm not sure. I've been watching Ben. He's picking out plaster bits out of his clothes from the night before.

Months before, yeah. He calls having sex check-in for studs. I'm trying to hang my TV on the wall. You want to come over and have sex with me? Yeah, I got a run of a bitch. You want to come over? I'm going to glue a hammer to the back of your head. He just tapes a piece of wood to her fucking skull.

Yeah. That's fine. That's normal. That's how love is made, right? It's not done. It's foundation, bitch. It's just bad. And Kizzle's Construction Company.

I'll use your wife to take down the house. Mr. Cacerona told the New York Post, my initial reaction His last name is Casarona. Very close to casserole. I was thinking Casanova, too. Yeah, Casarola, Casanova. Casserole and Casanova.

He's so good at the casserole, he gets fucked all the time. Yeah, man. That's probably how he got her. She's 112 pounds, starving. She's by 100. He told the New York Post, my initial reaction was, I killed her. This is my first time, and Jen is dead. Oh, this poor guy. He's so sad.

Was he a virgin? She knocked out. She was knocked out. Yes, he was knocked out. So he was a virgin. He was with a 120-pound girl. 112. 112, and he's 400-plus.

Was this a prostitute? She must have been so fucking ugly. Did he win a radio contest? She must have just been the ugliest girl in town. I had sex with good looking girls when I was really, really fat. But the 400 pounds. No, I was never 400 pounds. And I remember many a day that you were not getting the sex.

No, no, absolutely not. But that was a different time. I can only stand for the person also not getting the sex. We'd hang out. How does a 400 pounder fucking get hard? He must have a massive dunk. You don't get hard when you're that fat. Come here, let me just thumb this inside of you.

How do you know? Oh, I used to have a much different body. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You used to be a 112-pound woman? I'm 110 now. I used to be 114, 115. Jesus Christ. Real thick. Had to pay for this one. I'm a 110 now. I used to be 114, 150. Real thick.

Had to pay for this one. My penis just ballooned out like a birthday balloon. Still less fat than Henry's family dog. Yeah, you are less fat than the family dog. Right now you weigh less than that. I can do more tricks too. Oh, absolutely. You're 110? I am legally not allowed to donate blood.

What? Way too little? Or sperm, right? Too little. Sperm, too, right? You can't do sperm. Oh, I'm too short for sperm. Really?

Yeah, for me. Wow. This is a height requirement. You're so fucked up. Why is that better? When I look in the mirror, that's what gets me down. Oh, too small to give blood, too short to come. Isn't it sad?

It's down on all parts of life. Mr. Fowler, we hate to say you're what we call around here a tic-tac patient. Tic-tac patient. Very sweet, though. I could have donated cum anyway because that's what my dad did and they don't allow repeat offenders.

Is that right? They're very strict on... I don't think they call it repeat offenders. I mean, they do if it's a fail or doing it. Especially if you're just doing it at the truck, and you hope they just scrape whatever they can off the side of the bumper. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know why you're coming at the bumper, but... Too short to cum, the Reed Failers story.

7 o'clock Wednesday on Bravo. Well, Reed, has a woman ever picked you up while you're fucking her and you've ever been concerned that she's going to throw you through the top of a ceiling or anything like that? Be honest. He's smiling. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I've been picked up. That's great. How big is your girlfriend now? No, I'm a dominant lover. I'm a little guy, but I get in charge of that puss. Let me give an Oscar to Gary Pusey. I spit in it.

Oh, my goodness. Get real in there. Surviving the game. Kissel would just rip you apart, man. No. That's the thing. You're like some Lou Reed and your velvet undergrit. I don't know why I'm doing puns.

I like puns. Puns are great. Hey, Ben, when you were 350, what was the caliber? 380. 380. What was the caliber? Yeah, you were almost as fat as this guy. What was the caliber of woman you were getting?

Oh, high caliber beef. Yeah, grade A chalk. You were doing good, I think. I was never doing terrible, actually. Yeah, I was always fine. The thing is, I had sex with some larger ladies, but it's actually physically impossible to find. You can't get A to B. There's a lot of meat in there.

It's a real FIFO story. Your penis is just a mouse and I got lost and I went to the bad areas of town. Do you prefer skinny girls or big girls? I like skinnier girls, but that are a little bit bigger. Did that change as your weight changed? Did you prefer a bigger girl when you were bigger? Well, you get what you can get.

That's the truth. You get what you can get. You'd be surprised what you'd be attracted to when all you can get is like, yeah. I'm pretty much just attracted to the person that will blow you at the bar, you know? She's a Garfield woman. Yeah, sometimes.

Love and lasagna. Hates Mondays. Oh, my God. Don't they all? Don't they all hate Mondays? Firm orange coat. Why does Garfield hate Mondays? Because he's lazy.

Who likes Mondays, man? Yeah, but he doesn't have a job. He doesn't have a job. Shut up. I mean, you know. Nobody fucking likes Mondays, but Monday then is the remembrance that you don't have a job. Most cats get raped on a Monday. Yeah, that is true.

Or kicked by Eddie on a Monday. That happens all week long. Kicking shit out of a cat. Because that's what it takes to rape me. I'm like, get a Jaguar. Fucking get angry with sex. What are you guys getting angry with sex? Yeah, what are you fucking

raping all the cats up and down the fucking block? You're going to rape them now. I thought you were just... Wait, no. Pet Jaguar. Can you have consensual sex with a cat?

No. I think it's only rape. I think I figured out why Garfield hates Mondays. Why? John, his owner, has a day job. On Mondays,

that's when John leaves the house after two days apiece. Odie is waiting. Oh, that's a good point. Yeah. Odie was a snitch. So every Monday, Odie rapes Garfield. Got to the bottom of that.

Oh, yeah. But Garfield can't really talk, though, because he's a cat, right? Well, he could think. He can think. Yeah, and dogs can't talk, even though they're in Homeward Bound. Odie never could talk, yeah. Yeah, but they can talk in that movie. Dogs and and dogs can't talk, even though they're in Homeward Bound. Yeah, but they can talk in that movie. Dogs in the cast really aren't having, like, adventures, right? Well, if they're not talking, what are you listening to when you stare at them?

I don't know. They're saying stuff. Yeah. You ever see that dog that was friends with an elephant? So cute. Is that on YouTube? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, we can't let that happen.

We'll have to edit that. Can we edit that out? It's so cute. What are you talking about? When that elephant actually stomps on the dog, that's going to be the greatest. When the dog got sick and the elephant sat by the fence waiting for him to come back. Their names are Bubbles and Bella. Yay!

Bubbles and Bella. My niece is named Bella. Yeah, it's the name of the buffet Eddie and I are going to open up. So is she the size of an elephant? Is Henry's niece an elephant or a dog? A golden retriever she is. A golden retriever. That is. A golden retriever. That's a good dog.

Yeah. I got a chocolate one. Fuck chocolate one. That's very nice. A chocolate retriever. And a chocolate, chocolate. What if they found out that they put cameras on them in the night? They just get them mixed up all the time.

They put the cameras on them in the night and they found out the golden retriever's just been like licking the elephant's dick all night. Oh, yeah. It's probably happened. That's why the elephants are best friends. This dog can suck a dick. This dog can suck a dick. It's a different species.

I swear to God. Dogs can't suck a dick, though. They don't have suction. They don't have power. He ripped his teeth out. He's scraping. He's scraping. It's real tonguey bloke.

He's kind of rubbing his head against its balls as possible. And, you know, elephant skin is tough, so you can scrape the fuck out of an elephant dick. Maybe an elephant likes a toothy blowjob. Probably. They have a thick enough skin they need it. I kind of love it. You don't want a toothy blowjob? I kind of like it when a girl's just going like, oh.

A toothy blowjob is better than a one-tooth blowjob. You know, if you have to choose between the two. You get like the bottom set of teeth just digging up against the under rim of your head.

That's great stuff. Adriana Nicole. Henry, take it easy. Adriana Nicole. The under rim of your head. Shut up. Adriana Nicole. Look up H-E-C porn star.

We're not looking her up. Marcus, look her up. No, I'm cool. She's great. Well, alone. We'll do it alone. Who? Adriana Nicole.

She does that all the time. Adriana Nicole. Biting dick? Yeah, no, no. A little nibbling. She's good at it. I'm just. Well, alone. We'll do it alone. Who? Adriana Nicole. She does that all the time. Adriana Nicole. Biting dick? Yeah, no, no. A little nibbling. She's good at it. I'm just being serious, so. Interesting.

I kind of like it. Interesting. A bit of a corn in the cob, yeah. You can get a little teethy. All right. Marcus is looking at her. Nice little blonde. Looks to be a white gal.

Oh, my God. She's sharpening pencils with her mouth. Isn't that something? Pens really put her out of business. It's soy crayons. What is that? She has a fucking dildo strapped to her mouth like a horse? She's got a mouth dildo. Oh, yeah.

Face dildo. She's a good person. Yeah. You like the dildo strapped to her mouth. Not as like her face. Get on in there. Yeah, so the dildo strapped to her mouth. She fucks the pussy.

Yeah. With that dildo strapped to her mouth. They sit on her. They sit on her face. They sit on her and they so the dildos stretch her mouth and she fucks the pussy. For women. Yeah, and she fucks the pussy. With that dildo strapped to her mouth. They sit on a face. They sit on it and they rub the long clit against their nose.

Kind of like what that elephant's doing with that dog. Yeah, it's kind of tickling. Tickling a little bit. How do you stretch out? How do you get a long clit? Is it genetic or do you... Oh, I think it's just genetic, man.

Or you take testosterone. Yeah. Or take testosterone. Yeah, a lot of weightlifting women. It happens to China doll, yeah. Jesus Christ. Wow.

Did you go to bigclits.com, Marcus? It's called Big Clits Galore. Bigclitsgalore.tumblr.com. Those are penises. Those are penises, you know that, right? Those are technically penises. That's a normal looking... All right.

All right. That's enough there. That one's just like a muppet. Do you know that movie... Do you remember that movie Mac and Me? Oh, yeah. It does kind of look like Mac and Me. It's a there. That one's just like a muffin. Do you know that movie? Do you remember the movie Mac and Me? Oh, yeah. It does kind of look like Mac and Me. It's a Mac and Me fucked alien.

And then that woman was more huge clits from Brazil. It's a xenomorph. Some guys like it, I guess. They are penises. Oh, I don't like that. It just looks like a little cello. I go down on women all the time. That's fun.

What the fuck? Well, that's just a... That's a fat dick. Are we going to do the last 20 minutes of this episode as us just reacting? This is the man there. It's a fat clit. These are all bodybuilding women.

They're all female bodybuilders. Yeah, they take testosterone. Tumblr.com. Yeah, go ahead. Go enjoy yourself. This all started when Ed said elephant. The elephant that was in love with the dog was so cute and it literally took us 5 minutes

and 13 seconds to get to huge clit galore so I'm proud of us can I say that? I was concerned yeah I was really concerned but no Ed you did take it down that was right this just doesn't go with the brand of the show

we got there very quickly. Almost too quickly. You fucking doubt us? I'm sorry. I'm sorry, guys. My fault. What's the news story we're even on? Well, we're on a news story right now that's very important.

A fat fella just jammed his girlfriend's head through some plaster. After a couple of seconds, which felt like an eternity to the 21-year-old, his girlfriend pulled her head out of the wall and exclaimed, Why'd you stop? I love this woman. She's a caper. She's the only one he's ever going to get. But after Miss Garakaris started to feel dizzy and nauseous,

the caring Casanova insisted on taking her to their local hospital in New Jersey. Now a reconstruction of the pair's escapade is due to be broadcast on the American TV show Sex Sent Me to the ER. Sex Sent Me to the ER. That's going to be a reality show. Which premieres?

This guy is too nice, though. He was a virgin. This is one of the saddest virgin stories I've ever heard. The saddest thing is that he didn't know this is common. Sometimes when you have sex with a woman, she kind of almost dies. Yeah. I mean, that's fine. I need better sex ed.

That's why the French call them little deaths. That's what they call orgasms. That's why most women call me the badger. Well, we don't want to know why, but why do they call you the badger? Oh, because I badger them into it. See, that sounds like rape again. You said the thing about how you didn't rape the girl before. Then you say your name is a badger, which means like, and you say badger, which to me

is the look in your eyes when you said badger means force. Yeah, rip the woman off. Did you not rape the woman by not being a badger? My cum noise is. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, like you're a chattering skeleton? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But that new show, Sex and the ER, that's mostly rape.

Sure. No, no, no, yeah. But that new show, Sex in the ER, that's mostly rape. Sure. No, no, no, no. Other guests on the program include a woman who suffered a two-hour orgasm, a couple who injured themselves while having sex in a janitor's cupboard, and another man who had a stroke when copulating with his girlfriend. HBO? Huh? Where is it on?

I think it's on Discovery Channel. ABC Family. The History Channel, Discovery Channel, you know. It's on Discovery Fit fit, and health. Of course, yeah. That's exactly what that channel was intended to be showing. Sex. Brought me to the ER.

Man, can you imagine somebody, there has to be somebody who pours over medical records, on public records, trying to find these little stories, and then having to get a hold of these people. You gotta call them. My God. So, hey, fat fuck guy, you're the fat fuck who put your girlfriend's head through the window? Yeah, you bet.

Can I make some money? Yeah. I got a fucking show for you, fat fuck. Oh, thank God, because I ate all my money last week. You mean to tell me that you will publicly embarrass me in front of the American people and I will get to go to the fucking premiere in Los Angeles? I just have to pay for my own ticket in a hotel room.

I'm there, man. No problem. I remember one time I masturbated and blood came out. What happened? What? That's bad, man. What did happen? A little drop.

What do you mean a little drop? I came, and there was a little spot in there. A little spot of blood. Marcus is requesting Tremaine come up to the microphone, although I'm not sure. No. I first moved to New York. It was first year.

I was just sad and bored. I jerked off a lot. Oh, okay. Did you jerk off to the point where your final ejaculate involved blood because your body was just out of all other liquids to get out of your system? It was some cum in there. But I came and I just wiped it up and did it again. I really just didn't care.

But third or fourth time that day? Huh? Third or fourth time that day? Had it been three. Did it come out of you or was it like coming from the outside of your dick? Oh, out of the urethra. Really? Like it came out of my balls.

Jacking off. Brought me to the ER. You're going to be one of the first guests. Me and a bunch of homeless people. Oh, yeah. What were you doing? I was jacking off with broken glass. I was in the train and a bunch of kids people. Oh, yeah. What were you doing? I was jacking off with broken glass. I was jerking off the train tracks. A bunch of kids

beat me up. I was jerking off on the edge of the train tracks. Jerking off on the train tracks. And hit my dick. G-Train hit my dick. A-Train hit my dick. I'm gonna sue. I'm gonna sue. It came on time. Never did.

And I hit my dick. That's right. That's ironic. Did you say you did it again right after that? Oh, yeah, man, it was just a little spot of blood. That's cocky. I don't know. I just think I would, like, bleed it out of my penis, better keep doing it. Yeah. I feel like that would make me so, like, nervous.

Was there blood again in the second cut? No, no, no. I was like, I knew it was just a fluke. Yeah. Oh, he snatched his confidence. It's like getting an egg with two yolks. I mean maybe Is that what happened with

It is good luck It's like a dog blowing an elephant Of course So maybe would your kid have a birthmark If that sperm load went into a lady got her pregnant Would you look like a Gorbachev Absolutely You thought you were lucky

You got it out It's how vampires are made Is that right You think, yeah. Absolutely. That's autism, right? You thought you were lucky. You got it out. No, no. That's what causes autism. No, it's how vampires are made. Is that right? Yeah. That was Blade. You're telling me Wesley Snipes and Blade was created through blood-filled ejaculate? This needs to exist.

His black father came blood. Blade's black father came blood, made a vampire, and that vampire went on to join forces with Stephen Dorff. That wouldn't be amazing. Vampire hunter, tax evader. How many of you have seen Blades' black father, bled blood? Oh, my God. Blades' black father bleeds blood. I think I'm ready to perform now.

It's fucking post-headline. Yeah. That's what everybody does. All the actors of Mamma Mia do before they go on stage. Blades, Black Father, Bled Blood. Bled Cum or Cum Blood. Cum Blood? Yeah. Cum Blood.

Cum Blood. Thank you. You're welcome. For my next number, I'm going to sing Farts. Can we get back to that fag story? Farts. All right. So, yeah, anything else with this fag story? No, that's poor guy.

That's a terrible first time. That's the last that we have of it. Boy, was that guy ever fat. Yeah, talking about, I have a masturbation story. Let's go for it. Yeah. A Beaverton, Oregon man was arrested. Yeah, Beaverton.

Yeah, get some good haul in there. Welcome. My name is Mayor fucking Dykes. You know, I got a fucking trunk in my mouth. I'm going to jam it up you. Right, right. I call my tongue a clit sword. Mayor Dykes, Pussy River needs a damn.

Yeah, Roddy Dykes. I'm going to beat that pussy. Roddy Dykes. Roddy Dykes. I'm going to beat that pussy. Roddy Dykes. Roddy Dykes. Beat up that pussy with my tail. You know, food taste, though, if it was instead of taste buds, just a bunch of clits. Very sensitive. Oh, you would cum while you ate a burger.

You know, when I read Beaverton. Yeah, they're sensitive. They taste good. When I read Beaverton, I thought, you know, should I pause here? I'm like, no, they're above it. They're adults. They're above it. Rodney Dykes!

Welcome to Beaverton. Check your bush hairs at the door. This is a shaving time, November. They literally have a basket at the door. It says bush hairs. You literally have to put them in the basket. Yeah, I want to see you shave it. Take a half hour to do it.

I want to see all the red bumps raise on it. It's shooting out of her neck. Like an Ellis Island with barbers. And he still has no idea why he was fired as town sheriff. You know? Your name's not Melissa anymore.

It's fucking Marla. Marla from Beaverton. Ronnie Dykes making Beaverton busier than fucking ever. Yeah, busy fuckers. Oh, haunt a pussy. Holy Lord. I'll tell you. Where are you going to work?

The Saturn dealership? Oh, that was at Saturn. That's a nice dealership. They make a lot of money at the Saturn. It's one of the bigger dealerships in the county. Is that Lexus? Lexus is in Saturn. We have higher brows than

Manute Bull over here. We are high brow. This is really classy stuff. Welcome to Beaverton. Classy stuff happening. What happened at Beaverton? Yeah, I wonder what did happen? A bunch of good things? Maybe somebody bought a Saturn? Yeah, well, a Beaverton. Classy stuff happening. What happened to Beaverton? Yeah, I wonder what did happen. A bunch of good things?

Maybe somebody bought us at it? Yeah, well, a Beaverton, Oregon man was arrested following a string of erratic outbursts that culminated in the suspect allegedly masturbating in a Salem roadhouse. It took a taser and more than a dozen officers on Sunday to finally subdue Andrew Frey inside Iggy's Bar and Grill on Port Road East. The 37-year-old man later told authorities he had used methamphetamine the day before and had no recollection of the alleged wild behavior. So he was just jacking off inside of the Iggy's Bar and Grill there. A bartender told authorities that Frey exposed his genitals and started masturbating at the bar. By the time a Marion County deputy arrived on scene, Frey had moved from the bar to the bathroom

but reportedly had not stopped pleasuring himself. You can jack off in the bathroom. You can legally jack off in any bathroom. You cannot do that. I think you can. It's in public. You cannot legally masturbate in the bathroom. It's a toilet. Where else are you going to put it? If someone were to, if a cop

walked into the bathroom and saw you in a stall. You are in a stall alone. That is insane. You can't, man. I don't think you can. I think that you can't masturbate in a stall alone. You can't do it by the pee pee. Yeah, you can't.

Yeah, don't do that. You can't jerk off into a urinal. Right. But if you're in a stall, that's your time. I get drunk off at work and libraries all the time. You can't use the handicap stall. Absolutely. You can't use the handicap stall because you're not currently handicapped.

It's only like a $50 fine, though. It has to be. It should be that bad. It's a slap on the wrist. Jermaine, you used to work at a library? No, no, no. When I was in middle school, I used to go to the library, watch porn, print out the pictures, and, you know, drink off in the stall.

Marcus, please. In the stall of the library? Marcus got to the bottom of our debate. Okay. Yeah, who answers? Oh, of course. That's the only answers that we go to. Question.

Is it legal to masturbate in a public bathroom? This is by user T-Bone of 07. Oh, T-Bone. Was it you? Was this your question? T-Bone 07? Does that mean he's like 13? He could be.

Well, you never know how old he was. Maybe he graduated in 07. He'd be six years old. Yeah. T-Bone has a very important question. I forget. T-Bone got questions. T-Bone won.

We forgot. T-Bone got a lot important question. I forgot. T-Bone got questions. T-Bone wanted them. We forgot. T-Bone got a lot of inquiries. Is it legal? Little T-Bone. T-Bone asks, At work today, I walked by the employee bathroom and heard one of my coworkers in there making weird noises. I couldn't prove this, but from what I heard,

it sounded like he was masturbating. Where the noise is like, Oh! Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck! Oh, let it go! Let it go, Jeff! Oh, not on my shoe! You shall not pass!

So much cum! It just feels nice to jerk off in the morning. Are you jerking off in there? Making a couple of wails for the pool. Are you jerking off in there? Making a couple of whales for the pool. Wow! It's brown! No, Holden, that was you taking a shit. You actually did nothing wrong. You called the police

on yourself. No, he shit out of his dick when he came. Oh, I see. Is it legal to do that in a public bathroom? It's just a one-stall bathroom, so nobody else is in there with him. This is the best answer. Voter's choice. This is by user Zach Attack.

He's a senator. Yeah, definitely. I don't know whether it's legal or illegal, but it is fun. Honestly, it is pretty exciting. I've even jerked off any urinal. Lol, yeah. No one was in there there but I have before

it was fun no lie just do it sometime you won't get caught XD sexual predator a sexual predator Zach attack but I mean as days go by user days go by says any bathroom available to the public

is considered a public bathroom and men have been caught and arrested and prosecuted for masturbating in public restrooms. It is illegal. Yes, yes, because George Michael got arrested for it. Snooze. He wasn't jacking off in a bathroom. Yeah, he was. It was just a masturbation thing? He wasn't having sex with somebody? No, he was just jerking off in a bathroom. It's the same thing. Was it a porno

booth? No, it was a public bathroom. Just a bathroom, huh? At least you start calling all bathrooms porno booths. I mean, they are, right? Depends what you're into, I guess. When I went and saw Shame, there was a guy jerking off in the bathroom at least you start calling all bathrooms porno booths I mean they are depends what you're into I guess when I went and saw Shame there was a guy

jerking off in the bathroom oh the John Waters movie Shame no no the new one the Steamy Queen Shame oh fucking Michael Fassbender how'd you know

what was he doing I mean it's pretty you know oh yeah you can hear him oh the Fafn yeah yeah yeah there you go and how'd you feel

when you heard the man jacking off? Couldn't stop masturbating. Yeah, that's the noise. You were doing it at the same time when you heard him jacking off? I was happy for him. Yeah, you were. I was like, Manny. Yeah, just wash my hands and left.

I'll say, man, Michael Fassbender's got a big old set. Yeah, man. Yeah? Yeah, he's all rigged up down there. Yeah. You know? He wasn't Chubb, but he just went and flaccid. No, even flaccid. He had a

British fucking long bean. He had the motherland dick. White motherland dick. Reed, do you ever jack off in public anywhere? Not in public. No, I'm a private boy. You're a private boy. That's good. Ew, that sounds creepy. Yeah, it does.

That was a private vibe. No, I prefer to be at home with my utensils. Yeah. Many implements. You would salad tongs and be like, oh, there's my favorite radish. Ooh, my spork. I prefer to be, I just like to be more vocal.

Yeah, I like to stare at my cabbage patch dolls. I gotta toss some goo. Yeah. Applause for the show. You keep going. Yeah. Yay for the show. You keep the idea. Yeah. Yay, we love you, Holden. Oh! We just recorded the two and a half men laugh track.

You just fucking have that play every time you come. Now this is going to make me funny for the sitcoms. Yeah. Like when he walks in, like applause break. Immediately hard. I guess it's a good incentive to make people happy. He's just hugging him with applause. All right, so what happened with this guy, Marcus?

Well, he is being arrested and charged with, I would guess, disorderly conduct, public indecency, and a whole slew of other charges. But you know what we got right now? We got goat news. Goat news. Goat news. Parker, get off the top of that mountain. Hey, Parker. I need some lunch.

Eat some goddamn cans, you goddamn goat. Get off my heel, goat. You fucking take the can. You love it. I'd be happy to. A crock of the guts burns. And it pit it in its stare. Oh, no.

No, no, no, no. That was who started off Jamaican. And then what did it end as? Get off. Get off. Get off. Get off. Get off. All the goat meat on the catty guts. No, no, no, no, no. That was who started off Jamaican. And then what did it end as? Bro, bro, bro, bro. Get up.

All the goat meat on the curry. You can chop a goat's nose off. It's an order. You can take a life. It is an order. But you can never take our freedom. See, that sounded Jamaican. This is great. And of course, the round table is offering our weekly acting class starting next Sunday.

It's only $450 to come on down for a half hour and you're going to love it. Jamaican Jewish? That's right. Irish German. Today or not today. That's your southern Shakespeare. The blues equation. Going into the Downey syndrome.

We have not gotten to the goat news. Some people just do Jamaican accents, but who wants it if you can't get that Jamaican accent into an Irish accent? All of our intros have been nine minutes long. Where's the potatoes? That's not bad. Where's the potatoes? That's right, the boy. You got the goat news.

That's good. Hello, I'm from South Africa. That's not bad. Are you Nelson Mandela? Oh, so nice to meet you. Take two cats wearing his gloves. Hey there, baby. Remember Elysium?

Hey there, baby. I want to make you my baby. Baby. Baby. Yeah. You know another one? Elysium? Yeah, yeah. I love that guy. Shonto Cobbley? Hey there, baby. I want to be your demand baby. Baby. Baby. Yeah. You know, I've seen Alizio. Yeah, yeah.

I love that guy. Chateau Cobbler. Hey there, baby. I want to be your demandee, baby. Right. I'm from. That's my favorite accent. I'm from.

I'm from. I'm from. I'm from. I'm from. I'm from. I'm from. I'm from. I'm from.

I'm from. I'm from. I'm from. I'm from. I'm from. I'm from. I'm from. I'm from.

I'm from. I'm from. I'm from. I'm from. I'm from. I'm from. I'm from. I'm from.

I'm from. I'm from. I'm from. I'm from. I'm from. I'm from. I'm from. I'm from.

I'm from. I'm from. I'm from. I'm from. I'm from. I'm from. I'm from. I'm from.

I'm from. I'm from. I'm from. I'm from. I'm from. I'm from. I'm from. I'm from.

I'm from. I'm from. I'm from. I'm from. I'm from. I'm from. I'm from. I'm from.

from. I'm from. Carried around by the tail, I guess. All right. Let's get into goat news. Ranch food. All right. We got it. So that's every Sunday, the round table. We'll teach you. Isn't it weird that Italy looks like a boot?

Well, that's just a funny little saying. It does look like a boot. Oh, you're like a little Italia. Like a little Nike boot. You mean Italia. Oh, I'm the godfather. Unlistenable episode. Yeah, really borderline.

Baby needs a new jacket. Skin that fucking cat ears. Skin the cat. What accent was that? A dingle ate my pussy. Let's go darn to the bar. All right. Imagine.

Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.

Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.

Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.

Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.

Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.

Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.

Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. for the listeners. Hello, governor. Let's get to the numbers. Got a chimney to sweep?

I heard that cat eyes are lucky when they're away from cats. Well, that is true. Plug out the eyes, I guess. That's true. Mark is one of my twin tainers. Mark has nipples and a coin star. That's just... Hanzar.

Oh, right. Jose Canseco. Jose Canseco. Jose Canseco. Jose got a goat. And his model girlfriend, Lila Knight, just received a goat warning from their homeowners association. They want his goats off his property immediately. Why would he have goats?

This is a tweet from Jose Canseco. He said, we got a very serious goat warning from the HOA, and he tweeted at his wife, so I guess they don't talk. This sounds like a goat's complaint about it. I thought the goats were like, hey, you guys. Go get your goats, bitch. We only go here. All the goats are all like Pumped up on steroids

And they're just ripping up The neighborhood Long clits They got into my juice again I just like how many times They say goat warning Like that's just a thing We all know

No one's gonna talk about How this is originated Goat warning when they start So the neighbors Are very upset with him The neighbors are very upset They say that the goat Is too loud

In fact his girlfriend Tweeted Tweeted Tweeted Tweeted Tweeted Tweeted I don't even know I'm very upset. They say that the goat is too loud. In fact, his girlfriend tweeted. Tweeter? Twisted. Twisted. Oh, my God. The girlfriend tweeted.

I don't even know. But tweetering's got to be a thing like coming and shitting at the same time or something. Girlfriend tweeted. She tweeted, damn goat woke me up on my birthday at 7 a.m. So she's angry. That's the goat. That's the goat problem. Goat's got to go, Jose.

You got to get rid of your goat, Jose. How do you know when to make goat stew? Yeah, when it wakes you up at 7 a.m. You have an early breakfast. Yeah, you make bone bread or whatever it is. I want to start a Twitter account as the goat and tweet at her all the time. Oh! I'm always at 7 a.m.

Wake up! Wake up! Bad bitch! Bad wake up! I feel like, what do goats... What noise do they make Bad Yeah

Yeah Yeah He yells like a man Hey Hey That's a good impersonation It is actually Layla

Yeah there's a lot A lot of different goats Make different sounds Some of them do Do the Hey Hey there Others

Some of them go like Oh God Help Help Some say Some of them do the, hey! Hey there! Others go like, oh, God! Help! Help! I am stuck in this body. Yeah, some say, hello, I'm from South Africa. Right, that's the most talented goat. He did beat me.

Yeah, of course, he took your course. Then we'll be doing here every Sunday night. How do you speak goat again? Oh! No, that's how you speak Holden. That is just your own sound. You can't get enough of it! Up on this mountain!

Right, right, right. I'd love to be on top of this mountain! Have you met Maury the Goat? He fucked a bear on Tuesday. Isn't that something? The bear's crying in the corner. Can't believe I fucking

fucked that goat. It's alright, bear. The goat was just so damn annoying and I fucking fucked that goat. It's all right, bear. The goat was just so damn annoying, and I promised you if you fucked him, he would shut up. I got into one of those weird Siberian rocket fuel canisters, and the next thing I know,

I'm a horns deep in Old Maury the Goat over there. It was ridiculous. Hey, bear, I told the family about you. I'll rail your ass. See you on Tuesday. Ring-a-ring-a-ring-a-ring. And what a Tuesday it is. Don't forget, I've got horns.

Horns and a bear. Horns and hooves, bear. God damn it. That is exciting. That is arousing, exciting stuff. I will never get to Cirque du Soleil now. All this news is out. I barely want to get on this tricycle.

Oh, man. Yeah, rock hard bear having sex with holding the goat. Well, you never know what people are going to be into. Animals are doing crazy stuff. They're fucking, man. Animals fucking. Yep. Dog and elf are being friends.

Isn't that cute? Ed's got pants on. Isn't that cute? Ed's got pants on. Isn't that something amazing? And here we just thought it was going to be like every other Sunday. Who put pants on Ed? That's ridiculous. Who put pants on Ed? Ed thinks he's people.

Holy Christ. Oh, my God. Ed's wearing dog clothes. You look very funny in clothes, though. It's like a chimp wearing clothes. It is adorable. It's so close, but it's not quite right. You better take those clothes off of me.

You'll get mad and start biting people. Yeah. I mean, Ed's the closest one of us to going to space. It's a test pilot. Ed was in Dustin Checks In. Not bad. Well, you look good, Ed. The trainer had to give him mouthfuls of dog food.

He doesn't like his channels being constricted. He'll get real angry. Keep going with it. Alright, now it's time for a segment from old McNeely. New Year's Resolutions. Uh oh.

Don't make a mistake. Make a choice and live it in your year. 2014. Why are you sounding like that? 2014 to make a change. All right, I'll go first. Yeah, someone has to do something to stop whatever that noise was.

I'm hitting 300 this year. Pounds. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to give back. I'm going to hit 300. Now, Marcus, by the way, I have to preface. Marcus is judging this by achievability and by, you know, whether it's to make you. Let's just say merit.

So why are we all going? Yeah. Because that just fucking won. A lot of beef, a lot of sausage. Yeah, I'm sure. Not to be sensitive. We get a fat girlfriend. But how big are you now?

I am 260. Oh, yeah. You're knocking on 300 stores. I could do this. Oh, muscle? All muscle. Yeah, I'm all muscle, Jermaine. Yeah, he's full of muscle.

He's been eating nothing but muscle. No, I meant you want to get 300 by working out? No, I want to eat it. Was that a serious question, Jermaine? Why do you want to gain weight? I don't want to gain weight. Why? Get strong.

Get all the fat man parts. Well, the muscles are heavy and they're strong. Why would you eat? You can't. No, but then I would get skinny and be muscular. I'd look like a fucking piece of shit. Then he would feel bad about himself. Fat.

So fat weighs more than muscle? No, muscle weighs more than fat. What? Lift weights then. I'm an idiot. It'll take longer, but it's just not here. It's just not happening. I just wanted ice cream.

Yeah, but if you work out, then you have to work out. Is Henry's mother going to feed you? That's the thing. Henry's mom's moving in. That dog's going to die. I'm going to take its place. Yeah. They eat the dog, and you just gave 120 right there.

I'm going to fucking piss and shit all over your family home. Oh, my God. It's like Gracie Bell never left. I know. You know what's fucked up? His mom would let me do it. In all reality? They wouldn't even notice

that you weren't a dog. Wait, 300 pounds, is that taking into account the electric wheelchair you'll be in? No, no, I don't need a wheelchair yet.

That's for next year. That's 2015. That's your 400 pounder, yeah. That was Ed's resolution. Fucking bitch. 20, 14.

I'm shoving women's heads through headboards. Oh, yeah. I'm fucking concerned, man. I'm going to find me a tiny ugly. A tiny ugly? Yeah. Fuck her till I can't breathe. That just sounds good.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sure she'll be breathing great. My New Year's resolutions, I'm going to lose us five fans. I want Roundtable to go down five. That's great. That's my resolution. I think I can do it. Start now. Start now. Start fucking now. Usually people wait until the new year to have their resolution come true, but you really jumped the gun on that one. Yeah. That's great. Starting now. Wow. The 2014 resolution for Holden already resoluted, I suppose.

That's great. All right. Yeah. A woman has sex with Holden. I wrote it. Once a month. Yeah, once a month. They're on his birthday.

Sweet release of me into my baby doll. Oh, my God. Sweet release in 2014. Losing you now. Get off this fucking fan base, John. Well, I don't even think we have a fan name, John. We got sent a motherfucker once a month. It sounded clinical.

It was. It is clinical. Yeah, I assure you. Finally. It's like that movie with, what's that one chick who has to have sex with the guy who can't move? The surrogate? The surrogate? Tiny Timmy Gets a Wowie.

Tiny Timmy Gets a Wowie is another kind of movie. Predator. Yeah, something like Predator. Jermaine, what's your resolution 2014? I don't know, yours was funny, mine was just serious. I know, I wanted to, you know, it's just, what's your resolution 2014? I don't know. Yours was funny. Mine was just serious. Now I need a reel. Make a reel.

It's very difficult. Comedy special. There you go. Comedy special. All right. Making a reel. I really do want one. Making a reel.

That's great. You got it. That's good. And a bitch. My resolution is to go back to school to be a doctor. Oh, okay. That's going to happen. What kind of doctor?

Well, you know, I was thinking long and hard about what kind of doctor I could be a doctor. Oh, okay. That's going to happen. What kind of doctor? I was thinking long and hard about what kind of doctor I could be. I think the kind of doctor I'm going to be is that doctor that tastes ice cream for Ben and Jerry's. That's not a doctor. That's just a patron. You go to school for that, right? No, you just go to Ben and Jerry's

and start eating their ice cream. You can just get that job? Yeah, you can just eat it. And he's gone. Another New Year's resolution. Take out your headphones. Stop listening.

You can go to school and eat it. You don't have to go to school to do that. What if I faked being able to read for a long time? That's a great idea. There might be a charity for you. Not bad, not bad. Reid, what do you want to do? I want to make a vow with myself to stop

cutting my hair while on drugs. That's an important thing that I always forget. What's the drug generally that you wish to cut your hair on? Bleach. Weed. If my dad's listening, none at all, Boy Scout.

Boy Scout. Your hair is uneven. Oh, really? It looks stupid. I've been pretty good. He hasn't actually done that in about 10 years. Nice hair. I didn't notice. The last haircut I got, the barber was very high

and forgot which side my hair parted on. Okay. And I was like, well, and I'm too polite to stop him. Well, you know what you're doing, sir, I guess. Sir, sir. You cut the other side and I'll give you a $5 tip, but I'll be mad about it all night. Yeah, God's delight. Reed, I hate my neighborhood because I, you know, I live in a Puerto Rican fucking neighborhood, right?

I go to barber all the time to cut my hair. They don't speak a lick of English. And I go inside and I'm like, just cut the sides. And the guy's like, hey, let's see. You want to cut the sides? How do you want? How do you want? They're like, the sides, the sides, the sides.

I do this all the time. I shave, I shave, I shave. Just go to a different barber. I don't live anywhere near black people. Go there. They're all over New York City. They're in Harlem and other places. Crown Heights.

Go to Crown Heights. You can find black people. It's hard to get there. They're all over New York City. They're in Harlem and other places. Crown Heights. Go to Crown Heights. You can find black people. It's hard to get there. I live off the L and the J. There's black people by me. Where do you live? Off the M. You live in...

Where do you live now? There's black barbershops. Where? Where do you live? If you spend enough time in Polish barbershops... Big Papa's, bro. Big Papa's? Big Papa's.

But you could also spend enough time... You could teach a Polish man to do your hair. Oh, you could teach a Polish man to do anything. Teach a man to fish. Yeah. Don't cut your hair. If you could teach him how to do it, then you'll have one and he'll be in your pocket forever. I mean, he's a racist and he's going to stab you in the neck with a shears.

That's why I don't know dinner until you cut my hair. You'll learn. Absolutely. I'm going to And now, Ben. Thank you. You may answer. Alright. I'm going to... And now, Ben. Thank you, Holden. You may answer. All right. I'm going to thin down. Unsubscribe.

Yeah. Well, they are. And I'm going to shave my beard, shave my pubes. I'm going back to fifth grade. I'm going to be a wrestler again. And I'm going to win state. What? I'm going to destroy...

You're reversing all your bad shit? I'm reversing everything that I ever did wrong when it comes to amateur wrestling. I'm going to win every fucking match that I ever wrestled. Do they have adult state championships? No. No, he's talking about wrestling boys. You got to go on Craigslist for that. You know?

He's literally going back to fifth grade and wrestling the boys. I'm going to do terrible in school. Yeah, well, I'll have to wrestle, boys. Slap around some fat kids. Yeah. There's some people in the ground leagues. I could be the coolest guy in school, and hopefully they don't find my driver's license In my backpack and my cover is blown

But I think it could work You're 32? I could have sworn you were 13 I know I shaved my beard You can do like a 21 Jump Street thing Go back to high school I could do it Did they touch kids in 21 Jump Street? You wrestle them you gotta touch them

That's what I would do But it has to be like middle school, because high school kids would beat the shit out of me. I want to win a championship! That's all I'm saying. You want to fuck kids? I don't want to fuck kids! No! Why are you making this dirty? This is a clean show! You're Jerry Sundusky.

I'm Jerry Sundusky? You're gonna ruin a goddamn generation. Oh, please. He said that in Kissel Scandal. He just fucks kids when he wrestles. Well, this 32-year-old man pretended to be a high school football player. Yeah.

That is not... Well, mine was an innocent idea and a nice thought. And you guys cluttered it up with your sexual innuendo. Oh, here comes the special move where he sucks

the other kid's dick. Oh, that's the finisher. All right. And he is deflated. And then he deflates him. One, two, three. It's K. Well, he did pin him, but he did make him lose all innocence.

Yeah, that is the ultimate, I suppose. As he's no longer a boy anymore, he has lost. Make him all a man. Which is the winning resolution? Pinned him for life. Well, Marcus hasn't even had one yet. Huh? Oh, no, I'm judging.

Oh, you don't have one. Stop listening, Veronica. No, I mean, Holden wins. Why does Holden win? He wins the achievability because he is already achieved. However. And he's fucking 260 pounds. Well, Holden's already done it before the year even started.

Don't listen. We literally lost fans. I mean, I'm sure in the last five minutes. Is there a counter? However, on merit, Ben. You think I can do it?

I have a childish face. I don't want to have sex with a child. I want to go and win my wrestling championship. In all seriousness, I don't think I can do it just because I eat like such a fucking animal now and I'm not 300 yet. Lift weights, man. Muscles heavy. Don't lift weights.

Don't lift weights. I don't think you can healthier weight of fat. Healthier weight of fat. You can drink like protein shakes and take HGH. That's true. You can see the aurora borealis. Or grow more hair. You could see the aurora borealis.

Or get a fat dick. That's a great idea, Jermaine. Get a fat dick surgery. Forget about getting a fat dick. Get that dick all fat, boy. I'm going to do it just for you. Get that dick fat, boy. You got to fatten that dick, boy.

Get that big ass dick. Fat dick. I want to see a big, thick old dick on Ed. I want a box dick. I want a big, square dick. Chris, right now, Ed's got like a gnocchi down there. Yeah, man. Very flat, like a flatworm.

Massive nuts, though. You got to get that goose fuck. Pump that dick off. Rectangle sideways. All right, what's the round table? Spread that dick up. Butter your dick. Brutal dick.

Round table, gentlemen. Henry, thank you so much for being Jackie. Thank you, baby. Thank you so much. My pussy's big. He's got a nice fart or dick. A fart or dick. A fart or dick.

All right, Eddie Larson. I'm a car, South Africa. And a fat car. Hold him in the air. I do your dick as car. All right, thank you, Marcus. I'm a fart car. I love your car, Dick.

Thank you for being here. Great follower. And a retailer. Thank you. And then Charade Fowler and Refailer. Thank you. And then follow us on Twitter. We got the round table thing on Twitter. And at Henry Loves You and What's Up Next Ed.

What's Next Ed. Underscore, underscore between what's and next and X and Ed. It's very difficult. It's easy. I know how to do it. The fan page,

the round table fan page. We love talking to you guys. I'm just at Ben Kissel. Marcus is just at Marcus Park. It's very difficult. It's easy. I know how to do it. The fan page, the Roundtable fan page. We love talking to you guys. I'm just at Ben Kissel. Marcus is just at Marcus Park. Hold it. BenRussellsKids.com. That's another website. No, no.

Do not put that into your browser. Yeah, do not. That will actually get you in trouble. I have no idea what that is. If you put BenRussellsKids.com into just the internet. You get a free fun day with me. Holy Christ. But you gotta put it in Bing.

And then Ben rocking our sound. Thank you again, Ben. You're the best. Is he talking about himself? I did say thank you to Reed. I didn't hear it. Well, then let me say it again. Thank you, Reed. Good job. No problem. That was fun. Well, then let me say it again. Thank you, Reed. You're very welcome.

Good job. No problem. Thank you. That was fun. Good Lord. I don't even give a shit anymore.