The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 178: Street Snakin'

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

This week on Round Table: a Kuwaiti woman divorces her husband over his pea-eating habits, a grandfather in San Diego abandons his 2 year old grandson for a burrito, and the French gain respect. Joining us today: Nick Vatterott and Walter Replogle!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay out, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Are we ready to go? Yeah. Oh, okay. Dear Beelzebub, thank you so much for Ed Larson. I don't even know why, but thank you, because we're friends, Ed,

and it's nice to be friends with you. Awesome. Thank you, Beelzebub. Indeed. So, amen, Beelzebub. Today's prayer is all about Ed Larson. I don't know. That's kind of nice. I don't know. It's kind of nice. Why? What is happening?

I don't know. It's nice. You don't even know why. No, definitely why. Yeah, he's a good person. Fuck you and fuck you. No, fuck you, Ed. I should fucking why.

Well, thank you, Beelzebub. I have one friend in this room. That's right, and it's me. It's Beelzebub. Marcus. It's not you, Marcus. Huh? Yeah.

That's right. You and me, Ben. That's right. Ed Larson. Ben Kissel, coming after you. What? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

Yeah, that was just, it doesn't matter. Yeah, it's all good. This is not even, what are you going to get? Shut the fuck up, nerd. That's right, Eddie. Good work, Eddie. What is happening? It was perfect.

That was ideal. That's exactly what I wanted to have happen. Welcome to the round table of gentlemen. We know Ed's here because the room smells great. Who else is here? My name is Jackie Zebrowski. My mom told me I had anger problems on Christmas Day, and I said, fuck you, mom. Right?

Why? Right? What caused you to go crazy? Because she's short, and she's fat, and she ain't as good as me. What the fuck? What, Jackie? This is your mother. Yeah, she's fine. Fuck it. and she ain't as good as me. What the fuck? What, Jackie? This is your mother. Yeah, she's fine.

Fuck it. She's very nice. I'm awesome. Was there too much Henry Thomas praise? Was that the problem? Everyone loves Henry Thomas. Yeah. My mom saw Wolf of Wall Street and she called me on the phone.

I was at my boyfriend's family's house. She goes, is it so funny the faces Henry Thomas made as he had sex with that hooker in the movie? And I said, mother, never say those words again. Yeah, that's okay, Jackie. Yeah, and I'm great too.

I'm great. Right, guys? You are great. Chirpin, if you want. No, you're all right. Henry. I mean, Henry is in The Wolf of Wall Street. He's probably... He's smoking weed with Adam right now watching a movie.

Well, Adam Wirtz, a fantastic director. Of course, he's... Yeah, he's always with directors. But Jackie, you're hanging out with us. Yeah. It's a good place to be. It may as well be like I'm in a Martin Scorsese movie right now.

It's really like it. Yeah. You're the guy with God's Gift to Earth, Ed Larson. Wow. That's true. Beelzebub.

Yeah. I'm Holden McNeely and I'll break your ass. All right. I'm Kevin Barnett. You know, cool shit like that. Always cool.

Kevin, you had an amazing experience here. You almost died in a plane on the way out of Florida. I'm really happy you're not dead. Yeah. Oh, that's what I should have prayed for. Eddie, you're out of the prayer. What?

Dear Beelzebub, thank you. Just say another prayer. You're out of here. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter, Eddie. You're gone. A prayer's not a sporting event. You can't just call someone out.

Well, I forgot about him already. Dear Beelzebub, thank you so much for not letting Kevin die in the plane that he was riding in on the way to New York City. Oh, yeah. It was pretty intense, man. It was a cool day. We had a 6 a.m. flight to New York, Florida, right in the heart of that storm. That's great. Brilliant idea

to fly in there. Great idea. They canceled every other flight that would have went after the storm was done, but they kept our flight for some reason. Do you think it was because you were on board and they were like, I think we could kill Guy Code's Kevin Barnett. But people can't, they can't bring me down, man,

because I got the love of God on my side. That's what it's about. But we were flying that plane. Guy Code can't even bring you down. Exactly. It doesn't get any worse than that. But no, it was just like You know

A bunch of diversions We fucking Flying JFK Diverted to Virginia Diverted North Carolina Diverted back to Virginia We tried to land But we circled it for like 30 minutes

And it's getting fucking It's all crazy turbulence Plane dropping and all that shit The dude tries to go and land And we get probably 10 feet From the From the asphalt Like it's like

We're real close. It looks like our wheels are almost touching. But the plane is just going crazy. People are throwing up and shit. Chicks are crying all over the place. Yeah. And then the last second, the dude just fucking takes back off. We just didn't land.

And he's like, that's amazing. Did you feel like you were going to die? I was chilling, man. Like I said, I'm a pretty cool dude. And I was just fucking laid back about the whole situation. But all types of motherfucking bitches around me was crying, man. Like I said, I'm a pretty cool dude. And I was just fucking laid back about the whole situation. But all types of motherfucking bitches around me was crying and shit. Man, I would 100% be one of those bitches. I mean, I would just be.

You got to be drunk. I mean, they were serving booze on the flight, I assume. Yeah. Did you have some of that? No, man. No. No? Just sober, huh?

Exactly, dude. Early in the morning. Yeah, it was early. But you're on the air. You're in the air. You can drink it. Oh, there's no rules? There's no time. Drinking times? Exactly, dude. Early in the morning. Yeah, it was early. But you're on the air. You're in the air. You can drink it. There's no rules. There's no time.

Drinking times. Yeah, absolutely. That's what I always say. I guess so. Anyway, I'm Ben, and we're joined by Nick Vatterod. Hi, I'm Nick Vatterod. Were people on their cell phones? Is that where the plane was off?

Was it the cell phones? Did cell phones take the plane down? I assume so, man. I took a nap. It was fine. What was the craziest thing you heard someone down? I assume so, man. I took a nap. It was fine. What was the craziest thing you heard someone scream? The craziest thing I heard? Anyone scream?

Like, oh, my God, we're all going to die. How is he sleeping right now? People were crying. Like, chicks were weeping and shit. I never got my soda. And then just a lot of vomit. Did it smell like vomit on the plane? Yeah.

People were vomiting. They had fucking air vomiting all over the place. Oh, my God. It's terrible. Those bags. So finally you got to use those bags. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because that's what I always wonder.

Yeah, I've never seen anybody use them. People were using the bags. That's crazy. Actually, I also had a very bad flight into New York as well during the crazy rainstorm that we had a week earlier. And I heard a woman scream, I'm not going to die before my child. I mean, what? The baby was screaming.

The other way around. You never want to bury your child. That's what you don't want to do. And that's what I'm saying. It was like, what, is she going to use her child as a flotation device? Because the baby was screaming the entire flight. Because it was a bad flight, I understand. Sure. But it's like, what are you going to do device because the baby was screaming the entire flight. Because it was a bad flight, I understand.

Sure. But it's like, what are you going to do? Kill the baby? Yeah, go in the bathroom and fucking kill it. Maybe, I hope that's what she did. She just meant before.

So she moves to the back so the baby dies first. Yeah, it doesn't matter. It's like twins, you know? One's always older by like a second. Yeah, like Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito.

That's right. Walter Rapogla is also here. Repoglia. Replogal. Repogal. No. How was it? Replogal.

Replogal. No. Really? Is that right? Replogal. Repogal. You fucking with us? Replogal.

No, that's my last name. Repogal. Walt, anyway, he's from Murderfist. He's in the sketch group Murderfist. I ain't saying it like that. Yeah. Wait, Kevin, how do you say it? Repogly.

Yeah. Repogly is amazing. Walter Ripogli. Just missing all kinds of letters in that one. God, you cannot be nearly as attractive as you are if your last name is Ripogli. I'm sorry. She was ugly, man. She was Ripogli ugly.

The worst ugly there is. Don't talk about my mom, Holden. This is Ripogli. Anyway, Murder Fist, they're going to be in Chicago. Eddie, what are the dates? The 11th and the 12th. This Friday and Saturday, 11 p.m. We're doing full 40-minute sets.

Come check it out, guys. We're in Chicago. We're never going back. Nope. This is the one time. So you're never going to go back to Chicago again? Well, maybe. I don't know.

Well, we're going to Chicago in the middle of fucking January. It's going to be a nightmare. Biggest cold snap in history. But where in Chicago, man? We need details. Yeah, the polar... I don't know where. It's called the be a nightmare. Biggest cold snap in history. But where in Chicago, man? We need details. Yeah, the polar, I don't know where. It's called the polar

sketch fest. Yeah, the dum-dum stage. Who gives a shit? Yeah, sketch fest. Look up Chicago sketch fest. We're going to be there at 11 p.m. Chicago sketch fest.

Friday, Saturday night. 11 p.m. Okay, Marcus. Well, let's do a news story. A newlywed Kuwaiti woman has filed for divorce claiming there was no hope for her week-old marriage because her husband doesn't eat peas with a fork.

According to Al Arabianews, the woman said seeing her husband using bread instead of a fork was a, quote, shocking sight, and she vows to end her marriage. What? That's it. That's the whole story. Wait, so he scooped the peas up with the bread? With the bread, yeah, and then he ate the bread with the peas. I think That's it. That's the whole story. He fed her off. Wait, so he scooped the peas up with the bread? With the bread, yeah, and then he ate the bread with the peas. I think that's fine. Well, that's weird. You think that's weird? No, it's part of a bigger problem.

Yeah. If eating peas with bread, it says a lot about the rest of your life. What does it say? I mean, I just feel like he's saving on dishes that she doesn't have to wash the silverware. He doesn't clean after himself. He doesn't eat pussy. Yeah, he probably grew up poor. Oh, come on. They didn't have enough bread to eat peas with.

You take a slice of bread and you put a bunch of peas in the middle, you fold it in half. That's a good way to practice eating pussy. I suppose it is. Yeah, I guess it's called a pita. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey! Peas! Peas are like eggs.

You can scoop it out the eggs. Peas are disgusting. I think that the fact that she served him peas in the first place fucked this woman. You think so? Never serve a man peas. A lot of guys like peas. Peas solo? You would just eat peas?

Well, he had some bread there as well. He had some salt on him, some butter. No, peas are not, it's not a dish. Yeah. Put some bacon in the peas. What are you cooking for your man? First, the first time you cook for a new peas. What are you cooking for your man? The first time you cook for a new man, what do you cook? Wild boar.

Wild boar is a very nice thing to cook. Still alive. Yeah, still alive. I kill it in front of him. That's not bad. And then I wrap all of the potatoes in bacon. That's very nice to do that as well. Here's an interesting thing about divorce

in Kuwait. Is that a woman has to go to court, but a man can legally divorce a woman if he just says, Chops her head off. Of course, that as well. All he has to do is say, I divorce you three times and it's done. Wow. What is this, Latin? Yeah. Make a wish.

That's amazing. I'm moving there. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Yeah. Beetlejuice. Handyman. Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary.

Bloody Mary. Oh, it's so good for a fight, too, because the guy can, if she's bitching at you, All right, take out the garbage. Why do you come on the couch? I divorce you. Why do you? Exactly. I'll say it.

I divorce you. I divorce you. Don't say it again. Don't say it again. Two. That's two, baby. That's two. It's like when your parents count.

It's like one, two. It's the best way. You always win. God, that sounds like so much fun yeah i mean it's just to get married to have that power do you have to say it in a row or can it just be like throughout an entire day a five minute uh amount of time it only says three times i mean it's islamic law i'm sure they can decide whatever you know whatever they want it to be that's what it is sure sure 100 yeah But this guy loves this lady and she's getting rid of him. I don't know. I feel like

she was serving him food. She was being a good wife. I guess he should eat it the way that she wants it eaten. I have heard several women break up with guys for far less than how they eat peas. The fork and the peas? That's true too. The peas never come up before. I mean, I guess

this is why you always eat all, you know, eat peas with your, yeah. Eat every never come up before. I mean, I guess this is why you always eat peas with your... Yeah, you got married too fast. Eat every food with your fiancé. We've gotten that from a lot of exes. Like, I don't like how you eat food. You eat it too fast. You've got that growth. You've got that growth that the tip of your penis makes it look like it has a nose on it.

Do you eat like how you usually eat when you're comfortable with people on a first date? Or do you let them... Is that a big reveal? Oh, I'm very careful. I keep a tiny mouth, and I'm very... I hate eating the first time you have to eat out with a chick.

I love it. It's the worst. I would take them to the dirtiest... Because it's like, if you don't like it, then might as well end it now. No. Because I can't fake being clean forever.

Yeah. It's just like, I eat like an animal. You got to see this, and if you still like it, then rock on. Well, that's just shocking news, Eddie. Why?

That's great. You're taking your first date to a filthy place. Who would have thought it? Oh, crawfish boils, sausage restaurants. Get used to this. You better get used to this. You know what, Ben? I have an answer to your question.

Thank you, Marcus. After the first two, I divorce you. The husband may nullify the action within 90 days. 90 days? No cash back. But after the third time it is final and he cannot remarry unless she first marries and is divorced by another

man. Wow. That's just a lot. You gotta get divorced again. He can't remarry her. After you do the I divorce you, I divorce you, I divorce you, you can't remarry her until she gets married again and then gets divorced again. That's just solid logic. Yeah.

So maybe she's doing, maybe she, this happened with another guy and then she couldn't go back to the other guy until she got married. So she got married to this guy. She needed to find a reason to divorce him. Called peace and then got out and now she's going back with the other guy. I call peace. I'm calling it. I'm calling it. No peace back. No peace back. I call peas. I'm calling it peas. I'm calling it peas back.

No peas back. Is this a religious thing? Can you not mix bread and peas? Is this like cheese and meat? She just cited bad table manners. I mean, what would, if you, you know, you have a wife, and all of a sudden, what's something that would be, like, too much for you? Like, she's like, oh, by the way, I keep my head in a jar at night.

You're like, oh, that's fine. I mean, I'm fine with that. Yeah. Jar it up. I can let that slide. That's okay. Wait, she keeps her head in a jar at night. I mean, I'm fine with that. I can let that slide. Wait, she keeps her head in a jar? Does it depend on the head? Well, it depends on the head.

Maybe if it's like every morning when I wake up, I put poopy on my hands. Yeah, the poopy on the hands thing would be a lot. I guess I'm kind of fine with that, too. I think you're not worried about anything. I get different things I'm worried about. Bitching and complaining. Yeah, whining about it. Eddie don't think I'm not... I get different things I'm worried about. Bitch, you didn't complain. Yeah.

Number one on the planet. Eddie, Eddie, you're always drunk. Like all that. I understand bad table manners. Oh, I hate it. Bad table manners suck. Yeah, they do.

They do suck. Table manners are very important to me as a person. A deal breaker doesn't cancel everything else out. No, it's not a deal breaker at all. It's something that adds up over the years, though.

They were married a week! Yeah, but how long were they together? A week. Probably nine days. A lot of times, this was an arranged marriage. They didn't get to know each other before they got married. Oh, she's not allowed to choose, then. She got given a man.

Thank you for saying no thank you. There are a lot of women in this country that would beg to be given a man. I mean, not that many. To be forced to marry. That's a good old school Kuwait privilege, man. Why do I feel like Jackie's like the mascot for all those women? You know what I mean? Yeah.

Trump it, man. Do it, girl. Yeah. Give me a man to marry. I will marry him. And peas and bread, that's what's turning her off. Oh, but Jackie, what if he doesn't need me?

What if he doesn't want your wild boar? What if he says I'm a vegan? And all I want is a nice, pure Brussels brat. I guess he would die of starvation. Well, alright, so you're slowly killing him. You can hook up with this guy. Give me this guy's number. Marcus, do you have it? Yeah, we'll get the number.

I don't have that, but I do have more instances of odd divorces in Kuwait. Another woman wanted a divorce because her husband insisted on squeezing the toothpaste tube in the middle and not the end. I agree with that chick. I actually think that that's fine. It's a ridiculous place to squeeze the goddamn tube. I hate people who just squeeze the tube. What are you going to do with it? Put their teeth around it.

It's a fucking cartoon. What are we doing here? Yeah. So buy two things of fucking toothpaste. Like his and hers toothpaste? Yes. I don't give a fuck about the rules. I squeeze toothpaste all types of different ways, man.

It's different every time. Has the whole world gone mad? You can't buy two different fucking things of toothpaste. What are we doing now with the buy two everything? I guess that is very American. I cut mine open, guess that is very American. I cut mine open, dip my toothbrush in it. That's really what I do.

I like that. Get rid of the middle man. So Ed, I was thinking to solve your problem when she starts bitching and complaining at you and you're always having that. Always have a giant hog on hand. You put a black keys t-shirt on it, some blue jeans on it, get a little fake wig,. You put a Black Keys t-shirt on it. Probably gonna happen.

Some blue jeans on it. Get a little fake wig, long hair, and a beard. She starts bitching at you. Never know. You're like, oh, I have to go out of the room. I have to get some beer.

You tape a beer to the hog, send him in, and you can go to the bar and hang out for a few minutes. Yeah, you can just do whatever you want. That or get a spritzer bottle filled with vinegar. And what,

spritzer at it? Women hate, women hate to be spritzed with vinegar. I think anybody hates. He spritzes a bottle of vinegar at a woman. She'll stop doing what you want her to do. There's one thing you learn about women.

I don't know if you can just do that. I also heard that if you throw salt at a chick, she goes to sleep. I mean, these are ideas. I gotta use that. No more salt in me. Now that we're done having sex, I want to talk about I mean these are ideas I hope they're all true I gotta use that yeah I gotta use that no more salt in now that we're done having sex

I wanna talk about our future and then you just throw salt in her fucking ass yeah it's richer with vinegar and then she's out yeah she gives up

like a cheating 1950s boxer just throw salt right in her eyes you throw salt on me again yeah why am I in the street we're done we're done yeah you better make sure

That she's not going to fall On the tracks or something If you fucking salt her down That is, those are Yeah, so you spritz a gal With vinegar You throw salt on her These are good ways to

We used to catch them At night with flashlights Oh yeah Yeah, but if you Flash the flashlight If you shine the flashlight Directly into their eyes their muscles just lock up. Well, I'll tell you, like alligators, these chicks.

If you throw Alka-Seltzer up and they catch it in their mouth, their stomach explodes. Yeah, man, I think we are just really giving women a lot of different things here. They're pigeons and pelicans and deer. Are we giving them too much? I mean, we're just really putting a lot of attributes onto them. Should we take some away? Yeah, take something away. Let's take some away.

No more Alka-Seltzer for women. No more Alka-Seltzer. That's very nice. No more for the women. No more breadcrumbs. We won't throw breadcrumbs. It's nice to throw a wedding or something. No more voting either.

Can we just make women stop voting? I think that would make it easier for everybody. You know what I mean? Yeah. So emotional. Suffrage. I don't want to see no more chicks on skateboards, man. Because I see that as kind of like, what the fuck is that?

You know? Yeah. I agree with that. What is that? They're skating our boards. Yep. I feel like we should just get rid of skateboards altogether. Are you done with the skateboards?

Break them all in half. Burn them, man. Yeah? They're like books and I'm Hitler. Let's get rid of them. You're going to burn them? Yeah, let's burn all the boards.

I don't agree with this, man. Wait, Burnett, you like skateboards? Yes. Of course he does. He likes backflips and all kinds of stupid shit. Yeah, breakdancing.

I don't fucking breakdance, man. I don't. You just watch it on YouTube. Yeah, occasionally. He wishes he could breakdance. He just can't do it. He doesn't do it because he can't. What's the Christian Slater skateboarding movie?

It's hard. The Christian Slater skateboarder movie. Board hard. Board hard. Board hard. Guys, I don't know if I can get through this. I just got to board hard. Yeah.

That would be Gleaming the Cube. Gleaming the Cube. Gleaming the Cube. Brilliant movie. People love that movie. Christian Slater. I skateboard everywhere. I don't do tricks.

I'm not a fancy guy. You just use functionality. Point A, point B. I'm not there to showboat. These guys are just fancy. Why does everybody who skateboards look like they just started that thing? Everyone always, hey, he's got a skateboard. I'm terrible at it always.

No, I think you have to start skateboarding in middle school, and then you can do it throughout your entire life. You cannot pick up a skateboard at 25 and begin. It's not allowed. I hate when adults have a skateboard. No, that's the thing. It's becoming a toy. You just can't start it.

If you look like you're an amateur and you're visibly 30 years old, you throw it away. Don't buy it. But if a woman goes on a date with a man that is 30 years old, and he's like, God, you're on a skateboard, run away. You think so? You do not want to be with that person. He's going to be eating peas with bread.

Peas. What if he's very wealthy? I can't really skateboard or ride a bike or anything, so I started a new thing called street snaking. And I just get on my belly and I slither places. You can do a little stretch. Do you do the worm everywhere? Do you butter up the front?

Yeah, you got to lather up the front so you can slide down the street. Exactly. Yeah, you like shed your skin every 20 blocks. It's amazing. I mean, I'm constantly have fresh skin. That was one of my problems with a lot of ex-girlfriends. Your skin's too old. Your skin's too fucking old.

It is weird that it's older than your actual body. It's a new fucking skin. There's no scrapes. So you compromise there and you got the new skin. Yeah, that's the thing. So I got a big... There's no scrapes. So you compromised there and you got the new skin. Yeah, that's the thing. So I got new skin, which has been fun.

I've been street snaking. You look great. Thank you. Do people enjoy it when you show up after a nice little street skate? Do you smell bad? Are you sweaty?

Or just full of blood? It's like people just got off of Kevin Barnett's airplane. Oh, I just got a lot of vomit. Yeah, they're puking and girls are crying. Right. The whole thing is...

Do you guys ever see a businessman with a scooter? Go to the subway and stuff? That's a little infuriating. I'll forgive a businesswoman with a scooter before I forgive a businessman with a scooter. Why is that? Especially if her tits are fucking out of her shirt.

Yeah. Well, yeah. Or his tits. Or like a business suit and then two circles cut. are fucking out of her shirt. Yeah. Well, yeah, I mean, that didn't forgive a lot. Well, whatever. His tits. They're like a business suit and then two circles cut loose. Two circles.

Like a floppy-doppy that's like a rock and a hard praise to him. Yeah, that's true. You don't like to watch a man on a scooter, but you like a lady, huh, Marcus? I don't mind a lady on a scooter.

I don't know why. No one should be on a scooter unless they're under the age of 13. Under the age of 13. That's it? I love your new laws, Jackie. Jackie's really nailing it with some new laws. I guess it'll be coming up later on

in the round table, gentlemen. That's right. But Kevin, you defend all people on scooters and all skateboards. All people on scooters, man. Chicks on scooters is fine with me, too. I don't mind it either. Yep.

Who am I to question what's happening in feminism today? I don't know. I agree. No idea. What is wrong with you, Jackie? I hate scooters. You hate scooters. Yeah, I used to be a nanny.

I had to ride a scooter everywhere because the boys I nannied loved to ride scooters. The way that a person looks at you as an adult on a scooter, fat adult on a scooter. Sure, sure. Is priceless. How much do you want to get in the scooter? I get yelled at all the time. You know, I also fell off a scooter. Sure, sure. His price. How much you want to get in the scooter? I get yelled at all the time. You know, I also fell off a lot. Yeah.

A lot of cracks in the cities of New York. That's true. It's a tough city to skateboard in. And I would have to keep up with the kids. And so they bought me a scooter so I could scoot with them. And I would just get mad. People were like, why is she scooting? She's an adult.

And they referred to it as scooting. That's awful. I didn't fucking scoot anywhere i raced it sounds like you're doing that dog thing where the dogs drag their butts across the floor that's scooting yeah i got my shit everywhere too i'm sure you did does she have worms i feel like a more let's say voluptuous lady in new york city on a scooter people look at uh you the same way they look at really fat people in Walmart on scooters in Kansas.

Exactly. Like a scooter that you have when you sit down and you're morbidly obese and it's electric? Absolutely. At least I'm using my legs, though. At least I'm standing up. That's right. I think a scooter or a Segway.

I still think the Segway is douchier than the scooter, though. Oh, yeah. I mean, they're hilarious. They are hilarious. And the fact that the guy died who invented the Segway. Right. On a Segway.

Yeah, the owner. That's too funny. It's beautiful. It's one of the best stories ever. Second week in a row that's come up on the round table. So bizarre. It's a very great story.

It's a great story. It's a story of all our times. I just hope that story is accompanied with cartoon music every single time someone thinks about it. It's like a banana peels involves. Whoop, whoop. Yeah. That'd be perfect.

I saw a banana peel by the door of a bus. I didn't say nothing. That's great, Eddie. Good work, Eddie. 2014 Ed Larson. God, always by the door of a bus. Never has enough money to buy a ticket, but one of these days you're going to get on that bus, Eddie. There was a guy here in New York just recently who slipped on a banana peel and fell off of the subway platform.

Uh-oh, wonder who did that? Ed just whistled. Ed is whistling suspiciously. I can only be described as just mischief. Criminal mischief is a charge. So a chick, she slipped on a banana peel and got hit by the train. She died? A guy, an elderly man, an older guy slipped on a, he slipped on the banana peel and fell

onto the track, so he didn't get hit by the train. People helped him back up again. Okay. That's great. Happy birthday, New York. The train coming towards him, his eyes came out of his head like... Cream pie fight ensued after that.

He fell on the tracks, got up, stood on a rake. It was fun. Alright, Marcus, what's another story? Buddy, Marcus Parks with the stories. Yeah. Yeah, what's another story? Buddy, Marcus Parks with the stories. Yeah.

Yeah, Marcus Parks with the stories. A 16-year-old mugger has been killed after a bullet fired by an accomplice ricocheted off their victim's face and shot him dead. What? Were they fucking robbing a knight? Dr. Doom? Who robs a knight? A Robocop type situation. The incident happened when a group of males accosted the man at a housing complex in San Francisco

and demanded he hand over his possessions. The man complied, but as the muggers were taking his valuables, including a mobile phone, one of them pulled a handgun and shot at him. The bullet struck his face, bounced off, then hit one of the other robbers, 16-year-old Clifton Chapman. Oh, man, these fucking kids. How did a bullet ricochet off of his face? It doesn't say how it ricocheted off.

I don't know. I searched so much shit, I could not find how it ricocheted off his face. He's got a metal plate in his head. Maybe. He had it right behind him. That's probably it. Is his nickname like Hard Face?

Yeah. He's a right behind him. Is his nickname like Hard Face? He's a Dick Tracy villain. He's wearing a Kevlar face. Typical. I can't get behind this. It had to have been like a deflection. It didn't balance.

Was it like a Matrix style thing where he moved his body in a way that like the bullet like bullet would change something. Yeah. Perhaps.

Reiki or some shit. Yeah. I mean no one's going to go to this kid's funeral right. Yeah. Some people will be there.

Yeah. I mean just rob somebody that's all. Yeah all the robbers in the community get together. I'm hanging out with people who

have done worse shit than that. God that's got to be a great feeling if someone has a gun to your face they shoot you in your head

they're trying to kill you it bounces off and murders that dude's friend. Like that dude's just going to be like yeah. You're got to be a great feeling. If someone has a gun to your face, they shoot you in your head, they're trying to kill you, it bounces off and murders that dude's friend. That dude's just going to be like, yeah! You're going to get a fucking blowjob after that. Oh, my God. It's phenomenal. Yeah, he's a superhero. This guy must be very cocky right now.

Has to be. Either that or he's fucking going into hiding because everyone just found out his secret. Yeah, that's a good point. He might be a supervillain from Norway or something. And here's another funny thing about it. The kid that took the shot, that ricocheted off the victim's face and hit the other mugger, he's being charged with murder. Murder?

He's going to get off. He should. Or at least attempted. He's going to get off because he wasn't trying to murder his friend. That's manslaughter. I was aiming at that guy. Plus attempted murder. They could have got him on two, but now they're not going to get the one.

This kid's going to go free. He's getting on murder and attempted robbery. That's all firsthand, Fred. Yeah, that was all perfect, Eddie. I'm not sure if any of that is actually true, though. I mean, I just pulled it right out of my ass. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I think I'm right.

I think it was good. Yeah, sure, why not? I agree. I agree. I mean, that's pretty awesome. That's got to be a good feeling for this guy. I'm surprised it doesn't happen more often. Yeah.

You know, getting shot in the face, having to bounce off and kill somebody who tried to shoot you. That's not a near constant thing. Yeah, all the time. Why isn't there more bloopers happening in Muggins? Yeah. More goofball moments. I would like to see more goofball.

There has to be a bunch of goofball moments. I'd love to see that blooper reel. I just think it's called murders, not goofball moments. Goofball moments? Watch a fucking girl. He's all like, don't shoot me, don't shoot me. But then they shot him. I saw a video of one.

It was like some dude, and he was like trying to rob. I forget what he was robbing. But he took something from a place, and he was standing there. They had the security cameras on him. And he's looking around like real suspicious and it's a glass door and it's clearly a door

right next to the dude and he's holding whatever he's doing. He's looking around and he starts to run out the door but he just runs into the glass. That's comedy. And the whole shit

shatters the glass and just collapses. I love shit like that. That's so funny to me. People would just be like, duh. You know? Yeah.

He was running fast, man, to break that glass. No, he wasn't even running. I don't know how it broke like that. That's so funny to me. People would just be like, He was running fast, man, to break that glass. No, he wasn't even running it. I don't know how it broke like that. It's crazy, man. You can't be breaking glass. You can't be breaking glass. You gotta know what you're doing when you go into these homicidal robbery rampages. Well, it says that hard bullets

have a greater chance to penetrate than softer ones, and also bullets are more likely to ricochet off of hard, flat surfaces. So it could be this man has a flat forehead. They made fun of him his whole life. They're shooting soft bullets. It bounces off of the guy's head, and I guarantee you that it went into the other guy's eye

and got him in the brain, killing him instantly because he was pronounced dead at the scene. It's the only possible explanation. Forehead to eye. Oh, he's got a floppy head. Yeah. I want to see the sports science on this one. The sports science on this one would be fascinating. I don't understand these old robbers, man. These robbers, man. Not old

robbers. I was going to say, why don't they just seduce old elderly millionaires? That's the best way to get your money. That's how you would do it. I don't know if there's a lot of millionaires in this complex in San Francisco. It's like how it would certainly be tough to find a millionaire here. It's like how Bugs Bunny turns into Girl Bugs Bunny.

They just go do that. Just put some lipstick on, some big blonde hair, put some tits in your dress. I dance for you. Yeah, exactly. Just go seduce. The art of seduction. I ain't never gonna show it. I dance for you. Yeah, exactly. Just go seduce. The art of seduction. I ain't never going to show it. Well, that works.

Now I want to see it. I know he doesn't have a pussy, but I want to see it. That's a good point. You're back in, Eddie. Thank you, B.L. Sabu, for Ed Larson. So anything else with this flathead story? No. I mean, what happened?

What happened? Old flathead. Old flathead. I deflected the bullet. Hey, flathead story? No. I mean, what happened? What happened? Old flathead. Old flathead. I deflected the bullet. Hey, flathead deflected a bullet. Yeah, that's the thing. Is this guy telling the truth? Do we know if this guy's telling the truth?

What are the odds this is a real story? I mean, the forensics back him up. This is in the official police report. I got some inside information. What do you think happened? Second shooter. Second shooter? Wow. Like a no-like area. Yeah, some inside information. What do you think happened? Second shooter. Second shooter? Wow.

Like a gnoll-like area. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A couch situation. Who was behind the fence. Yeah. Some other idiot. A scorned mugger love triangle. Yeah.

I can see that. You know what it's time for? What, Marcus? It's time for Donkey News. Donkey News! Donkey News! Yeehaw! Look at Donkey! That's exciting. Get some news that's exciting fucking buckets fuck them off all right the chinese branch of walmart super

stores is issuing a recall of donkey meat products after some of it was found to contain fox dna unbelievable walmart's in china hold on They're trying to pass off Fox as fucking poopy? That's not right. By the way, for those of you who don't know, donkey meat is officially known as poopy. Poopy. Yeah. It's called poopy. In Mexico, though, right? I think everywhere.

It would be in Mexico. Well, if there's a Chinese Walmart, I'm sure it's called poopy as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But some other fucking thing. It's a drawing of sticks. Why not just call it fucking fox meat? What's their obsession? If you're already buying donkey meat, buy fox meat.

The five spice donkey meat is considered a delicacy in parts of China. Fox meat is not, but it is cheap as foxes are commonly bred in China for their fur. A delicacy in China is like burnt shoes. Urine eggs.

A delicacy, it's all perspective. Well, they do have the urine eggs. Yeah, the eggs soaking in boys' urine. If we all remember from a past episode, there was a whole festival in China that is dedicated to eating eggs that are soaked in little boys' urine. Right, so you have to look at it that way. Yeah, it's something special. Delicacies over there is jack and shit.

Yeah, why don't they just make the fox meat a delicacy? Be like, oh, it's so good. It's so fancy. Oh, I eat Asian now. To me, like, fox meat should be more of a delicacy

than donkey meat because foxes are so much smaller than donkeys. They're harder to catch. Yeah, they're faster. But the meat would be leaner and not as tasty. I think donkey meat actually tastes fairly good.

I didn't realize there was something... Yeah, that fucking donkey piece of shit. Why are you being mean to donkeys? I hate them. I choose fox. Why do you hate a donkey? What's a donkey ever done to you? I choose fox.

It's a low-sounding animal. They'll carry your load. Yeah, they carry your... I mean, it's different when you say... Where were the donkey races? What was that? Colorado? Marcus?

North Carolina. They got donkey races. What was that? Colorado? Marcus? North Carolina. They got donkey races. The donkey race, I believe. North Carolina donkey day. I remember that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. North Carolina donkey day. They're smart.

They're hardworking. They are not smart. They are smart. They are definitely hardworking. I would rather eat a fox than eat a donkey. And Chinese are opposite than me. I mean, I'm going to go ahead and say a fox. I mean, I guess so.

I suppose when it comes to that. I found some facts about this on a Businessweek article, a Bloomberg Businessweek article titled, How Does Donkey Taste? And other questions about a Chinese meat mix-up. Okay. Ew. Chinese consumers eat 2.4 million donkeys per year. Okay.

According in 2011. What about fox meat in the Chinese diet? It's also a niche meat in China. According to a Chinese media report, there's a potential risk of parasites that parasites in fox meat can pose health risks to humans, which is why people are so upset about the fox donkey mix-up. I see. I see. That's why he's the fucking newsman.

That's why he's the best. Coming in. Marcus Parks. You know what, Eddie? You're out. Beelzebub, thank you so much for Marcus Parks. Thank you. That's right.

I think it's just we think we know Japanese, and we don't really know it. I think we're reading the words. Like, I think this is the word for donkey. And it's not. And it's just like, ah, they think like we're reading the words like I think this is the word for donkey and it's like it's not and it's just like ah they think there's fox and

the donkey and they're like that's what they think. They might read like I think this is the word for little boy

pee. I don't think you know Japanese. No I'm pretty sure what a bunch of weirdos. It's like no we're not reading it right.

Yeah it's possible that we're not. It's possible. Where the cow at? That's where I It's possible. Where the cow at? That's what I'm talking about. Where the cow at? I want a fox skin coat. A fox skin coat?

That's like 40 foxes. My mother has a fox skin coat. She wouldn't give it to me because she told me I'd ruin it. What do you mean? Well, maybe when Mark Scorsese directs you in a movie, then you'll get the fox skin coat. Then maybe. She gave it to Henry. Did Henry Thomas get it?

Henry Thomas gets the fox skin coat. He's going to look so great in it. I want to see the list of things that Henry gets over you. It's going to be fun. Well, she told me I should put my name on the bottom of everything that I want. What do you mean? So I wrote it inside of the fox skin coat.

You did? You should. What is she talking about when she dies? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She told me this Christmas I should start writing my name in things. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. That's morbid.

Really? What do you want from your mother? Fox skin coat, motherfucker. You should have put your name on that. I should write my name in sharpie. Yeah, because you know Henry put his name on it. Yeah. Good news for you.

Right now, the fox fur market is in the tank, write my name as Sharpie. Yeah, because Henry, you know Henry put his name on it. Yeah. Good news for you, right now the Fox Fur Market is in the tank, so you can grab a Fox Fur coat, which would have cost you thousands of dollars a few years ago for no more than 300 bucks. That's not bad.

Well, then I don't want it. I want to fucking sell that shit. I want to sell all my memories. Can't flip it. Fuck that. Can't flip it. I don't want a Henry Thompson hat. What are you talking about, Jackie?

Henry was on the show last week, and we were discussing your dog. What do you think? What are your takes on the puppy? Are you talking about fat Gracie Madel? Yeah, fat Gracie Madel. Well, my mom calls her Gracie May Zebrowski. My mom calls her Gracie Madel, and she's going to die in the next year. 2014 prediction, Gracie Madel's going to pull and kick the can.

She's the first to go in the Zabrowski family. She is 130 pounds. 130 pounds. I tried to weigh her. I got her front paws on it, so I just doubled it. She's the fattest Labrador I've ever seen. Oh, that's adorable. She's so fat

Yeah she seems like a little cutie pie though Yeah she can't stand up The average weight for a female Labrador Is 55 to 70 pounds Oh yeah no she's way past that How many Labradors is she? I asked my mom I was like why don't you walk it

She goes oh she can't walk No that's a good reason why you don't walk She needs a scooter or a Segway or something like that. I'm going to fashion a wheel device for her. Take him out for a push. Get her a scooter. Fuck that. She's too old.

Did anybody get sick in China over this fox-doggy meat combination? We don't know. We have no idea. That's pretty much the end of that story. Everything is fine now, though. Everything's fine. We can move on. I bet most of it was the Shibu Inu.

Shibu Inu. Yeah, the Chinese fox dog. Okay. I bet it was not fox. It was just that fucking dog. Yeah, of course. It got fucking dogs all over the place. It was running around the donkey mill and it jumped into a...

Shibu Inu. One of the machines there. Who knows? Real good looking dog. Except for that fucking tail showing her asshole. Well, they almost died off in World War II. Yes, I just read about that as well. They were on the axis.

Yeah, what happened? Wrong politics, huh? It's not good. That's not good. They got to their bunker. They're all fucking eating dog meat east. All right, well, we better move on. I think that's the cue.

Thank you, Jackie. Was that the cue? That was definitely the cue because... That was the cue? Absolutely the cue. Yeah. All right. I didn't call it the Oriental.

It doesn't... Well, you did. Okay. All right. We just yell loud enough no one will hear racism. Morgan, let's move on. Actually, referring to it as the Orient

is not racially insensitive but referring to those people as Oriental is. Fuck that. Jackie, that's fine then. I'm with you. I don't really understand.

It doesn't make sense. I don't understand it. My parents called them Orientals. Your parents are violent racists. No, no, no. My mom refuses to refer to any Asian as anything but Chinaman. Every Asian, no matter what it is.

Yeah, they're all Chinaman. Lady Chinaman over there. All Chinaman, man. Next up, a grandfather was arrested in San Diego's Chula Vista area overnight after he allegedly abandoned his two-year-old grandson on a sidewalk for several hours while he went to a taco shop to eat a burrito. That's a really big burrito.

Did he tie it to a post? According to the Chula Vista Police Department, a skateboarder spotted the abandoned toddler Fucking skateboarder. Good Samaritans helping out. And you know what? How was he able to get to wherever the authorities were so quickly? Skateboard. Skateboarding. Interesting.

I'm not taking it back. I'm not taking it back. They're irresponsible. The baby was fast asleep inside a jogging stroller at around 11.30pm when officers arrived on the scene they were unable. What an amazing fucking kid. Yeah. Just fell asleep. Two hours.

That's perfect. That's what I used to. Yeah, that's nice. He's used to being kept on the street while Grandpa goes and gets a burrito. Oh, he was asleep. He's fine. He didn't know. Wait, how close was the stroller to the burrito place?

That I don't know. I think you can bring a baby into a burrito place, right? I don't think he was getting burritos. He was gone for two hours. That's true. You think he can bring a baby into a burrito place, right? I don't think he was getting burritos. He was gone for two hours. That's true. You think he was doing something different than eating burritos. I'm thinking it's a prostitution thing. Ooh, yikes.

Wow. I guess that's why the old taco hut. We were talking about the burrito fleshlight not too long ago. What is the burrito fleshlight? It's just a... You just jam a bunch of meat into a fleshlight? It's a burrito in a thermos. Oh, yeah.

That's right. I remember that. I like it. You put a burrito in a thermos. Oh, yeah. That's right. I remember that. I like it. Put a burrito in a thermos and then you flip. If you're too poor to afford a flashlight, get that burrito in a thermos and fuck it. That's right. Instead of meeting a woman, stuff a burrito in a thermos. Think about it.

Life hack. The police said the grandfather identified as 53-year-old Frank Moreno told his family he didn't know where the boy was and allegedly appeared to be under the influence of a controlled substance. Ooh. Oh, so it wasn't prostitutes. It was fucking meth. Yeah. Meth or some sort of cocaine-type drug? He might have

forgot where he put it. Yeah, but isn't it better to at least have the baby outside of the situation? That's a good point. He didn't want to bring it into a smoke-filled house. Sure. I think he should be arrested for raising a baby in Mexico. That's a good point. He didn't want to bring it into a smoke-filled house. I think he should be arrested for raising a baby in Mexico. He was in San Diego. San Diego.

Oh, San Diego. That's a beautiful place. It is a beautiful place. San Diego, New Mexico. Beautiful this time of year. It is nice. So what's happening with this poor guy He's being charged With child cruelty Child cruelty

Yeah I mean San Diego Has beautiful weather It's beautiful weather It's not like it was out In negative weather It was in Chicago Apparently it was cold

In San Diego that day Oh 50 What It's probably one of those What do they call it Like a bugaboo You know Yeah something nice

Big The sleeping bag. A baby Bjorn. No, not a baby Bjorn. Bjorn! That is the most embarrassing. Swaddling clothes. No, no, swaddlers.

Three wise men. What are you talking about? Toddlers in like carriages sleep in like a caterpillar shaped sleeping bag now. Baby Bjorns are for baby babies. This was a baby baby. A colostomy bag. Would you say it was called?

I know. It's like a caterpillar sleeping bag. I don't know what it's called. A bakabar. But a baby Bjorn is like. Baby cabana. Is for baby babies. Baby cabana? Is that what you said? Baby cabana. Is that right? Babies don't get cold. Babies don't feel. They don't get temperature.

They have metal in their bodies until they reach the age of 10. You see them in every stroller. You've seen it where they're just so cuddled. I know what you're talking about. A papoose. A tobo. Is it a papoose? I don't know. I think it's a tobo. I don't care what children

are comfortable in. There we go. Denoculars. Eddie, you're back in. Oh, no, wait. That's binoculars that dinosaurs use. Denoculars. That's what it is.

Yeah, yeah. Denoculars. Denoculars. There you go, Holden. I got there. Rebecca de-dinosaur. Yeah. Let's go.

Rebecca de-metrodon. Yes. Yes. Yeah. Rebecca Dimetrodon. Yes. Yes. Of course, that was a reference to the Rebecca De Mornay conversation we had. Were you here for that, Kevin? No. No, we were talking about Rebecca De Mornay and what the best. Rebecca De Mornasaurus.

I figured that you would appreciate this. Out of all the best Rebecca De Mornay dinosaur puns, I thought I came up with Rebecca Demetrodon. That's pretty solid. Thank you. I knew you would be on my side because although technically the Demetrodon is not a dinosaur, but more of a prehistoric lizard.

Whoa! I'll go with the mammal side of that. Why don't you do Rebecca Demastodon? I was going to say that. That's pretty good, too. I was actually just... What is this, a competition? What happened? What was this?

It was a heated conversation. It was a heated argument. I just doubted how that could get heated. It did. It really did. I had to calm a lot of things down that day. I remember that. I remember that very, very well.

So now this kid's still alive? Rebecca de Magdalon. It's a big shark. Megadalon? No, it's a shark. It's not a Megadalon. A shark is a... Yeah, it's a Megadalon.

It's a shark. You're thinking of the Megalodon. Megalodon. Rebecca DeMegalodon. Do not fuck with me, man. Things are getting very intense here. I love those fucking things. It's heated.

All right, Marcus. Another news story, perhaps? A man in Tuscany has begged to be put in prison in a bid to escape his unbearable wife. That's not bad. The 32-year-old Tunisian who was under house arrest for drug dealing went to the police on Tuesday afternoon and asked to serve the rest of his sentence in jail. He said, police said, living with his wife was particularly difficult and unbearable it sounds like a joke from a white comedian in the 90s

richard jenny did this police said he was tired of continuously fighting with his wife and asked explicitly to be put back in prison not wanting wanting to disappoint him, staff at the local court issued an imprisonment order on the same day. As requested, he was then taken by police to the district prison where he is now free of his apparently argumentative wife. You can do that? You can just ask to go to prison? In Italy, apparently. I wish that's how Shawshank Redemption had ended. That would have been a much funner, like, you know, he gets out

and instead of the old dude hanging himself, he's like, wife's yelling. Whoa, a bit of a spoiler alert there. Did not see that movie yet. 1993. Yeah, well, you have to give it 30 years, and then you can start spoiling the goddamn movie for me, Holden. You've never been on TNT? It's on every 10 minutes. Thank God I just saw that shit last week, you fucking dickhead. Old man in the sea fucking lets the fishhead. Old man in the sea fucking lets

the fish go. Old man in the sea. Easy, buddy. Oh my God, this is all about your master plan of losing us five listeners every goddamn episode. Don't listen! It's a sled! God damn it.

Star Wars reference. How bad is this guy's wife? I mean, she must be quite a tyrant. She must be a... How bad is she? Take my wife, please. How bad is she, Nick? I'm going to go to a Tunisian prison.

I'd rather be in a Tunisian prison. Tunisian prison does sound kind of nice. Sexy. It's in Tuscany. It's a pretty nice area in Italy. It's beautiful. Yeah, this is northern Italy. It's a great wine.

Yeah, marble prison walls. Sure. Why not? Columns. Lots of forget about it. A lot of forget about it. Soccer, I'm sure. Mentor guards.

A mentor guard? Yeah. Minotaur. Oh, minotaur guard. Have you guys seen the movie Under the Tuscan Sun? Diane Lane? No, no. I feel it's very much like that.

Is that a romance? I never saw that. Is that sexy? Sexy chick flick. Lots of, you know, what is it? Linen pants and matapuchianos. If you go to Tuscan Sun, you know, you're just going to get fucked by hot Italian men drinking wine. Exactly. Is that what it's about? I've got a line here from Under the Tuscan Sun, you know, you're just going to get fucked by hot Italian men drinking wine.

I've got a line here from Under the Tuscan Sun. This is said by Martini. He said, Signora, please stop being so sad. If you continue like this, I will be forced to make love to you, and I've never been unfaithful to my wife.

It's the best movie. It's a lot of hot Italian sex. That is what Richard Ramirez would say. They had to change out all the seats. Oh, yeah. It was like Diane Lane was in Unfaithful and then she was in Under the Tuscan Sun. I was wet

for years. That line made you wet? Yeah. He's going to cheat on his wife and he's going to rape you. Yeah. Yes, please. 100%. Yeah, but if you do it in that slow Italian drawl, anytime.

I mean, why are your socks so wet? I went and saw them at the Tuscan. Yeah, yeah. Of course you would. Typical. It's just a big Olive Garden commercial. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. It is.

Do they eat at Olive Garden in the movie, Jackie? No, of course not. There's no Olive Garden, so it's not authentic. But when you're in Tuscany, you are family. So it's kind of the same thing. You've got to see the sequel, the sci-fi sequel, over the Tuscan sun. That's when you're in space and they fuck up there. Yeah, that's pretty hot.

Son of Tuscan sun. Zero gravity. Yep. Here's some good life advice from Marcelo from the movie. Okay. If you smash

into something good, you should hold on until it's time to let go. Sounds like that's not real advice. Ooh. That is some shit

I would say. Yep. It means nothing. It means nothing. That means nothing. But it will work. I speak in parables. Watch it and get some lines. Watch it with a lady and then get some.

But they all know the lines already. They're ruined. The ladies all know the lines? Of course they all know. They've all seen it. Not all the girls have. Although Jackie has. Pretty much all the girls have.

All the girls have. Yeah, Jackie's kind of like the last girl to watch something. Yeah, but Jackie's got the movie taste of like a 38-year-old woman. Yeah, and they are good.

You can bump that up to 48. And single. Yeah, yeah. Divorced. And I'm ready to fucking mingle. Do you like Mystic Pizza? Hello. I. Divorced. And I'm ready to fucking mingle. Do you like Mystic Pizza? Hello.

I love Mystic Pizza. It was very good. I went to Mystic Connecticut and it sucks. There's no fucking way. I want some fucking older poontang. You thought there was going to be a Mystic Pizza theme park or something? Yeah, I thought it was going to be like my summer to become a woman are you the pizza the ride are you telling me my hotel room doesn't come with dennis quaid

i was ready man i was ready to just fuck whatever old single man was around or married did you try yeah and it didn't happen yeah but my boyfriend didn't like it. And so, you know, you got to do what you got to do. Mystic pizza. Yeah, that's right. That's a good thing. Mystic pizza. And also, your ex-husband is gay. Yeah.

Oh, is that part of the storyline there? Another spoiler alert. Jackie, she's done that before. Mystic pizza. That's what I say every time I come. Mystic pizza. Did you just say myst every time I come. Mystic Pizza. Did you just say Mystic Pizza? Yeah.

And every man loves it. Jackie, we are on the bus. What are we doing? It smells like some kind of Mystic Pizza. Are you Julia Roberts? Yeah. Yeah, old, crusty pizza. Better than Mystic Pizza, I guess.

That's what I got between my legs. Yeah. Magical dress. Today is sauce, old cheese, moldy pepperoni. Mystic moldy pepperoni. What does that get on the Jackie Yikes scale? Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. Yeah, that's not bad there.

Oh, fuck. That's very good. Well, we're going to run over from Italy to France for our last story. Oh, man. Could it smell any worse? Right? Hello. Some 1,067 vehicles were torched in France over New Year's Eve,

a market drop from last year in what has become a turn-of-the-year tradition in run-down areas. Burn cars? They just start burning the cars like they won the Stanley Cup or something, huh? Every year, the night of December 31st to January 1st, seized hundreds of cars set ablaze across the country in an orgy of vandalism, as much a tradition as champagne and oysters in more affluent parts of France. Do I have to take back everything I've ever said about France? Do you like it now?

This is helping? You're coming around to the Frenchman? This is pretty fucking awesome. Are we going to France for New Year's? Don't take a cab. That's for fuck's sake. Yeah, right. You can't just say that's a tradition.

You can't just murder somebody. It's a tradition. I murder somebody every year on Groundhog's Day. It's down 10% from last year. I love the fact that it's like some kid in remedial math getting a B instead of a C, though. You know what I mean? It's like, last year,

they burned like 5,000 cars, but this year, only 1,000. There's less cars every year. Usually, the wealthy have more fun, but I think it might be more enjoyable to be poor in France. Well, the poorest apartment in France that neighbors Paris was

the clear winner with a total of 80 burnt cars. Authorities had stopped publishing official figures of the number of burnt cars after it was discovered a district by district breakdown was fueling a destructive competition between rival gangs. Of course.

French gangs? Yeah. What is adorable? They're adorable. Maybe the purge is happening in France. The car purge. Yeah, I did think about the purge when I heard about this. Maybe they were only torturing terrible cars. Could be.

Is it possible? I think that's the plot line to Cars 3. Cars? Yeah. Be good or get torched? Yeah. Almost 1,100 cars torched. Only three people were stabbed and died.

Oh, that's fine. Which is down two from last year. All of France? That's small potatoes. Yeah, it's crazy, man. They probably would just stab with fencing swords, too, so it's a very small possible. Or candelabras. Yeah, French gangs.

There is no way a French gang could compete with a good United States Compton gang or something like that. These gang members are not tough. The French don't get enough credit for being tough. You think so? Oh, yeah. Remember they had that crazy gang war that stretched across the entire country a couple years ago? In France? No.

Oh, yeah. It was intense. Intense. My words are going wrong. I just picture West Side Story when it's French gangs. Yeah, just a lot of prancing.

Yeah, definitely. A lot of bells ringing. A little bell's ringing. Yeah. Something scary about that, though. Like a classy... I feel like Daniel is going to dance

before he kills you. Yeah, some fucking dude who's only got like one glove on and shit and he's just dancing around. You want to talk about how tough French gangs are? This is a picture of the Apache's weapon of choice. It is a revolver that is the actual handles are brass knuckles.

The barrel is a knife, and it holds six bullets. That's awesome. That's the most amazing gun I've ever seen. That is a pretty phenomenal gun actually. French gangs, you guys are the best. Put that on the

round table page Marcus. That's one of the best guns I've ever seen in my entire life. The coolest gun I've ever seen is a gun that has a camera right

underneath the barrel so whenever you shoot it, it takes a picture. Yeah, of every person. That's amazing. And it blows it

to your Twitter feed immediately. They should put that on every cop's fucking gun. Yeah, of every person. Yeah. Oh, that's amazing. And it blows it to your Twitter feed immediately. They should put that at every cop's fucking gun. Oh, absolutely. It's a handgun bayonet. I've never seen that. I've never seen a handgun bayonet. The brass knuckle handle? That's so badass.

I like the brass knuckle handle. It's classy stuff. You're getting out of there one way or the other. You know what I mean? That's efficiency, man. I know. I was watching Antiques Roadshow, and on Antiques Roadshow, they had a wallet from the 1850s that also turned into a handgun so that if someone was trying to steal your wallet, you

could just flip the switch and fucking shoot them with the wallet. And I feel like that's a lot better than this fucking French piece of shit. I just feel like that's a pretty badass gun, though, Jackie. Badass gun. The last place I want bullets is, like, next... In my ass. Like, it's just, like, I'm afraid I would just sit on it wrong and shoot myself in my asshole.

Oh, I... Well, yeah, I guess if you put the wall in the back pocket. Oh, sure. I'm a huge fan of, like... I'm a huge fan of, like, briefcase guns. Oh, yeah. I like those. Those are cool.

I like guitar case missile launchers. Mm-hmm. Those are fun. guitar case Missile launchers Those are fun Yeah those are fun too Anything you can kill people with Tends to be kind of fun In a lot of ways You know What are we doing man?

Nothing We gotta get ponytails And start buying these Cool ass weapons Comedy We're doing comedy Do we have to have ponytails? Yeah you definitely

Have to have a ponytail Fuck's wrong with ponytails? You look great with a ponytail. I look fucking great no matter what I was having. That is true. Alright, it's time for a segment from Hope McNeely. Post! Stop listening to this podcast.

Political parties! So we're all, Marcus bought America, and he is going to hear, we're going to make up political parties here. He's going to nominate two of them, and then he is going to hear we're going to make up political parties here. He's going to nominate two of them, and then he's going to hold an election. We all get to vote on which one is going to become president of America and treasurer and senate and house. So my party, I will start.

My party is called the Nugbortionists. Whoa. We're focused. We're super pro-abortion and we'll legalize it and get nugs and stuff too. Abortion, we're so pro-abortion we're going to say 10-20%

of people have to get an abortion every year. We'll have a quota. It's like China. There has to be an abortion. But just women? Yeah, just to show everyone that it's okay to do so that other people who are like worried about it will feel okay about it. We'll be big on gay marriage.

In fact, we're going to be so big on it every gay person has to get married. When someone has an abortion, this is just a little help here, when someone has an abortion, you give them a reward. Right, we'll give them a bunch of... Give them like 200 bucks. Yeah. Instead of putting them on fucking TV or some stupid shit. They pay you 400. Right. We'll give them a bunch of... Give them like 200 bucks. Yeah. Instead of like you paying

400, they pay you 400. Yeah. Exactly. There you go. Solid. So we got taxes. We're taxing nugs. We're getting the nugs out there. We're gonna have nug parades. We're gonna throw nugs at old ladies. Fuck yeah. And scream at them and be like, fuck you!

Here's your fucking nugs. So yeah, Nugborshinus 2014. Nugborshinus 2014. What do you got? And, by the way, are we doing the thing where I pick the two political parties that I like the best and then they have to debate each

other? You will nominate them and then they will have to give a very brief, get the voters on your side speech, very brief, and then voters on your side speech, very brief. And then we will vote for the parties. Absolutely. All right. So my political party is called Bird Gang.

And very simple. We don't do no, we don't fucking worry about economics, wars, oil, none of that shit. Fuck yeah. All we do is we strive to prove once and for all that birds, dinosaurs, and lizards are all closely related due to evolution. And this is what the bird gang is about. That's change, man. That's change for America. So are you saying you're anti-Christian? Oh, no, no, no, no.

We believe in the Lord. The good Lord. Good Lord? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But we are trying to bring the Lord's message. The good Lord? Yeah, yeah, yeah But we are trying to bring the Lord's message The Lord That's the thing People misinterpret

What the Lord's message is He didn't say shit about The fucking dinosaurs changing to the birds He just never mentioned it Because he figured niggas would know So That's what we're trying to prove Bird gang

Alright, bird gang I mean, on the name alone I love it Kissel, what do you got Political party Come on this is something You gotta be Come on this is your real ass

Oh I got nothing The pee pee party Is allowed to pee everywhere Come on Well come at you You have a political podcast Show some fucking What

We have to know your issues Oh the issues What's your platform dude I mean public urination That should be legal That's your whole platform Well yeah that's what I mostly get in trouble for I mean I get in trouble

I would like that to be changed obviously I mean I got in trouble For that too so That's good you want to fucking you know do that You can do that anywhere I like that the political party is specific to you You're like I'm running the goddamn thing. Higher ceilings in places.

Well, I'm getting to that. I'm getting to that. Higher ceilings in places. I'm sick of hitting my head. Higher doorknobs. Lower floors. That's a major issue. God, that's high floors. Yeah, that's bad. I'll just see lower floors. That's a major issue. God, that's high floors.

Yep, that's bad. How fun just to see lower floors. Yep. I don't even know. People respecting me. That's good. I think that's kind of a fun idea there. And what is the name of your party?

Well, right now... Just give it a name. I don't even know. Big and and big and rich is that a country band that's a country band big and rich that's it well they play it what about bitch big and rich if you put it together bitch with a c no t rich the bridge big and rich um something like that all right um rich big and rich, and rich parties. So we got that out of them. Yeah. Maybe fat and sour. All right. We should just add that on.

All right. We're just getting to where we're just moving on. Nick, what do you got? More salt on the pretzels. There will be more salt on every pretzel. That's a fucking fact. For Danny to call me back. Like, why wait a week? Why is it always a week when he calls back? So Dan's got to call back more promptly. Yep. Dad's got to call me back. Like, why wait a week? Why is it always a week when he calls back?

So Dan's got to call back more promptly. Yep. Dad's got to call me back. Dad's got to call me back, period. Yep. What do you got, Nick? What's your platform? There's a party called Stop the Burning.

They're going to pass on their main thing is they got, their main law is that everyone from this moment forward who's born can't have sex with anybody who was born before them. And every generation after that can have sex with each other, but no one born after that can have sex with anybody born before that moment until you're 18 because that would eradicate all STDs, right? If no one ever has sex with anybody who has an STD, then they'll all disappear. So that's their platform. Everyone has an STD.

You're not allowed to have sex with anyone older than you, is what you're saying. Yeah. So how do people who, how do people have sex then? Because if you can't have sex with people, you have to have sex with people born on the same day as you then. Yeah, but then you have to wait. On the same day and the same year. There's a lot of those out there.

365 people. 365 days. I mean, I could have sex with Napoleon. You could have sex. Napoleon was born on my birthday. But he was much older than you are. I could have sex with Janis Joplin, also older. Yeah.

Definitely at STDs. They have to be on both of them. I don't like this. Absolutely. I don't like this one, Marcus. I'll be completely misunderstood. I want to fuck Napoleon. I want to fuck Janice Joplin.

Oh, that fucking dead people. I can understand. That's not the side of the people it's focused on. No, but we can fuck whoever now. I think both of them you should not fuck. Janice and Napoleon. I could fuck Dolly Parton. I could fuck Jennifer Lawrence. I not fuck. Janice and Napoleon. I could fuck Dolly Parton. I could fuck Jennifer Lawrence.

I could fuck Chester A. Arthur. Chester? We don't know who that is. He's a president. Fuck him. Okay. I don't know. Oh, I could fuck Paula Deen.

Okay. No, she's older than you. Yeah, you think? All older. God damn. Y'all are idiots, man. Yeah, that's what I'm thinking. Y'all are literally just dumb.

You're not smart people. The party platform is that you can't... It's not that you can fuck people that have the same... I can fuck Garfield. I can fuck Garfield. You can't fuck Garfield. I like that you're on the internet. Marcus is on the internet going,

Oh, look, I can fuck Vanna White, too. Who is my brother? That's something. I just don't know what to say. Anyway, so it's very confusing, Nick. It's very confusing. But that's, so you have to fuck somebody younger than you. Can I fuck a big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big, big Big Ben and the Ox? And his blue ox? Paul Bunyan. Big Ben and the blue ox.

I got a goof on there. Yep. I goofed that. Come in. All right. We're going to wrap her up here real quick here. Walter, I think you just got to go. Walter, you have a political party? All right.

My political party is called Andy's House. All right. And basically what it is is that we are the political party? Alright, my political party is called Andy's House. Alright. And basically what it is, is that we are the political party that is the neighbor you used to have that had everything you didn't. Trampoline. Trampoline. Everyone loves a trampoline. Xbox.

Like a whole room to play in. A pool. Yeah, definitely. Friends. Yeah, a really hot sister, older sister that's really good looking. And like the parents always like stock the fridge and they were the ones who were like

hey guys if you're gonna drink like just stay the night it's totally fine right scrambled porno yeah unscrambled porno

because we have the illegal cable like it's everything that you didn't have as a kid or as a teenager or whatever or now as broke adults,

that your neighbors or other friends who are richer than you do already have. Oh, I have a lot of money. You can go over to the party's house. Yeah, as soon as you come over to the party, you are at Andy's house. Okay. Okay. Yeah.

I like it. Okay. All right, Andy's house. Andy's house. There it is. Go to Andy's house. I don't get it. Dot gov.

But I'm going to move on anyway. I can talk about this more, like as a concept. Well, my party, if you want to come into my party, you're immediately going to be called the Jackanese. We're cutting off the fucking borders, y'all. Okay. So we can... The American-Japanese border. We can cutting off the fucking borders, y'all. Okay. So we can... The American-Japanese border.

We can import if you want, I guess. So you're going to try to take over the world and make it all one country? Yes. Or North Korea? We 100% cannot import things. We can export if you want. We're going to 100% live off of the land. If you want land, the sexier land,

kill the fucking family that's on it. That's what we're all about. It's all about your power, usurping power. Survival of the fittest. Survival of the fittest. I think that we need to take America back. I feel like the Native Americans failed. And that we need to learn from their failure. And we're going to take the and that we need to learn from their failure. Yeah.

And we're going to take the medicine that we have and fight against ourselves. I love it. All right? So fuck everybody else. Okay. We're going to be the best. And, you know, we got pigs. We got cows.

We got fucking fertile land. This is actually a very political stump speech to like Michelle Bachman. We have a meteorologist. Jack and me. We need meteorologists. Meteorologists are going to tell us what Mother Nature is going to do. And I say we get to the middle of the

country because all of the water is going to rise. The ice caps are going to melt. So your plan is to take over the world and then fight ourselves once that happens? No, no, no, no, no. My plan is to take over America. And then once we win, take over the rest of the world because they're going to be devastated.

Yeah, they will be devastated. All right. We know what's going to happen. Jack and me is 2014. All right. Ed Larson's going to happen. Jackanese 2014. All right. Ed Larson, what do we got? The name of my party is we're the Cheeseburgercrats. And basically, it's all based on the decision that no real decision should be made on an empty stomach.

That's a good point. That's a great point. We're going to be based off of that. And so anytime that we got to vote, anytime we got to do anything, basically while you're working, there's going to be plenty of cheeseburgers, some French fries,

maybe a baked potato or two. Yes. And all the politicians have to get together and they got to eat peacefully and talk to each other calmly over lunch or dinner or whenever they're having their cheeseburger. Maybe sometimes breakfast cheeseburger. We could put eggs and bacon on the cheeseburgers.

Sure. Texas burgers, you know. So everyone. And also, you have to eat and you also have to listen to Uncle John's band before you make any big decisions. Actually, can I jump in there, too, with a more, it's like the Tea Party version for the conservatives type of group for your party. We'll see. It's called the Refapikins, which means they also have to masturbate before they make any big decision as well so you gotta jack off and eat a burger before you make eat the burger first

all right marcus who are you nominating it It's going to be between the Jackanese. I think I've got a good one going here. I think you do, but God damn it. I'm having a real hard time deciding between the Cheeseburgercrats and Birdgang. Are you nominating three parties? See, the thing is, can I step in for you, help you out? I would personally, if I was you, I would pick Bird Gang because cheeseburger crats are just purely logical.

Bird Gang is a better debate. Bird Gang and... I'd rather see Bird Gang go again. And you know what? That's what I was thinking in my mind. You know why? Because I had a cheeseburger earlier. I listened to Uncle John's band

and I thought this out. There it is. There's that Ed Larson logic. Bird gang and Jack and East, we need one. And by the way, since I am the richest man who bought American politics, I'm making Eddie chief of staff. Oh, not bad. Congratulations.

All right, impress me. So, Bird, well, I don't know if that's the... So that means Ed's vote counts as two votes. Yeah, that means that I've got to confer with Ed before I decide. Oh, it's nepotism, man. You're going to get Marcus's vote no matter what, Ed. That's what we're doing. Do you want to do the cheeseburger?

I love this new chief counselor. Before we vote. Bribery. So, Birdgang and Jackanese, you have a statement, a one sentence, one slogan to say to get the voters on your side. Mr. Bird gang, I'm going to go ahead and throw it out there that together we could make America whole.

Whoa. Fuck that. What I'm saying is- Oh! Damn! You're going down, lizard fucking face. Lizard face? Whoa!

That's my fucking plan, man. Mud slinging down, lizard fucking face. Lizard face? Whoa. That's the line you're going to plan, man. Mud slinging. The gloves are off. We bring the knowledge of the birds, lizards, dinosaurs all together. We breed them together. They're all dead, Barnett. You can now, we breed them. They are dead.

We fucking breed them. And you can ride dinosaurs to work, environmental context. What are you, Sam Neill? I fucking saw Jurassic Park. You wasted years on a bad plea to work together? I fucking saw Jurassic Park. You wasted years on a bad plea to work together. I fucking saw Jurassic Park. Sam Neill was wrong about the fucking dinosaur. That's a fucking movie, man.

They had to have some conflict. Oh, you can't control the dinosaurs. I would actually love to see the version in Jurassic Park where there's no conflict and they just get to see a bunch of awesome dinosaurs. You can't control Americans and where they put their money. And you tell an American not to give it to another country because they're all bad, which they are. Well, that's not necessarily true. They will listen to you.

Jackie, one statement. You are not a part of this debate. That's right, Jackie. Get him out of here. Nearly. Get him out of here. Oh, you're moderating. Okay, well, it's the same.

All right. I'm voting now. You made a great case. Jack and these kind of flopped a little bit there in the last second. I don't think that I flopped because the thing is that dinosaurs became extinct for a reason. We have lizards, but are they the head of our race? I'm hitting the gavel. I'm banging the gavel.

They are not the head of our race. All right. Mr. Barnett, where are the birds? They're in the trees. Where are the people? They're in the workspaces. Let's vote. We're just going to go around.

I'll start. I'm going to vote. I'm going bird gang. One for bird gang. One for bird gang. Kevin? Sure, you can vote for yourself. Fucking bird gang, man. People already knew that's the greatest idea they ever heard. Bird gang Sure, you can vote for yourself. Fucking Birdgang, man.

People already knew that's the greatest idea they ever heard. Birdgang 2, Jackanese 0. What do we got? Kissel? Kissel? My vote counts for 2, right? You get Marcus's vote, so yes. I just feel like... Are birds the head of the human race? I don't think they are, Jackie.

And I'm going with Jackie Zabrowski! Jackanese 1, Birdgang 2. What are we doing, Nick? I'm going to write in ballot. I'm going to they are, Jackie. And I'm going with Jackie Zebrowski. Jackie's one, Bird Gang two. What are we doing, Nick? I'm going to write in ballot. I'm going to vote for my party. You know, under my party, well, at least your interpretation of my party, you can fuck dinosaurs under my party. Oh, there you go.

All right, so Nick writes in. That's a lost vote. A third party. It's almost like you didn't vote at all. Walter, what are you doing? This is why I don't vote. I'm going to have to go with Jackanese. All right.

It is tied. Two-two. Of course, Jackanese. If I get a vote, of course I'm going Jackanese. So that means it's either... So whoever I vote for wins. So you vote for wins. Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. Clearly, y'all don't give a fuck about the environment, man. Well, what I'm thinking about here is Kevin's got a great idea. I love everything he speaks the truth, and I appreciate that. But what Jackie was saying is she has a clear goal to take over the world. And I feel like if you're going to take over the world, you're going to need all the dinosaurs. Dinosaurs don't exist, though.

Yes, but they will once you involve the bird party. Once you involve the bird party, you're going to need the dinosaurs. And that's why I agree with Jackanese. But then won't the dinosaurs take over after you give them this power? Jackie, I'm trying to agree with you. Uh-oh. Switch your vote. She has been a bit of a cunt.

I'm voting... Write a ballot. I'm voting Jackanese only because she wants to work with the bird party, and I think the two of them working together under a Jackanese government can take over the world. Let's take the dinosaurs. I don't think she's got a word about working with the birds. Let's take the dinosaurs. I offered the hand. I offered't think she said a word about work. We're taking time. I offered the hand.

I offered the hand, Burnett. I offered the hand of peace. That's a sneak. I don't want to work with a woman. Bird gang. Bird gang. Bird gang. The bird gang still exists.

I offered the hand of peace. By partisanship, we can work together. I'm blowing up the White House. Clearly, I'm talking about dinosaurs. I don't want to work with a woman because I am old school. We are going to work together. Marcus, is this okay? You are still the president here.

You are still the man in charge. You know what? This is fine with me. All right. Well, that's the round table of gentlemen then. Barnett, I offer the hand of peace. Jackie, Eddie, Holden, Kevin, thank you for being here. Nick Fatterot, Walter, thank you for being here.

And Chicago, July 12th. Next Friday. Next Friday. Chicago. This Friday. Chicago's 11th.