The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 179: Sir Geo Geo

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

Today on the Round Table: a man kills his father-in-law with an atomic wedgie, a pimp sues Nike for not putting warning labels on their shoes, and Cormac McCarthy's ex-wife pulls a gun from her vagina following an argument about aliens. Joining us today: Nick Turner and Jordan Temple!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay on, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Alright. Okay. Is that good, Marcus? That's great. gentlemen. Always civility. All right. Is that good, Marcus? That's great. Okay, Jackie, you have to pray today. Man, today I'm praying for my alternate persona.

Uh-oh. Her name is HornyGirl6969420. Whoa, Jesus. And I think, this is my campaign to you, fucking Jesus Christ. Whoa. That I should be the next number one porn horny girl out there.

So your porn name is going to be hornygirl6969420? Yeah, man. It's all fucking wrapped up in one. I want two 69s. I want double the partners. Have you gotten a cam? Yeah, I've got 20 fucking cams. You want to do this alone or do you want a sexual male or female partner while you

film yourself orgasming? I need many people involved. It's not just me. It's like a show. Is it like a reverse Bukkake where there's like 20 guys but you squirt all over them? Yeah, sure. Or I shit all over them. Wherever I've got shit coming at me, sometimes I can spit

on them if I want. If I want to Sure, yeah. If I want to wrap my fucking finger up inside of my fucking belly button, just shove it into their mouth. Oh, wow, that's hot. Yeah. I like that one. Are we recording? Yeah, yeah. No, this is actually all being recorded.

I think that God, if you could give me this gift of being able to bring this to the people that 2014 is going to be all of our year. Thank you fucking Jesus Christ and amen. Amen. Wow. Welcome to the podcast. The only podcast worse than the Nixon tapes. That was really phenomenal stuff there, Jackie. Thank you. This is the round table of gentlemen. We know Jackie's here because she

just professed her love. Horny girl 69, 69, 420. Horny girl 69, 69, 420 and sitting in for 69, 69, 420. And sitting in for Ed Larson, who is currently on a cruise eating all the shrimp in the ocean. Crazy. Ed Larson is in the middle of the sea, so we're placing him, Nick Turner. Thanks for being here, Nick. Hey.

That was your Ed? That was my Ed. That was the worst Ed we've ever heard. Hey, it's me, Ed Larson. Not bad enough sounding. Get a little more jowl in there. Come on, Nick. Florida.

That's nailing it. That was good. He's always talking about Florida, man. I'm going to shut up about it. Loves it. To his credit, I am always asking him where he's from. That is a good point. Yeah.

I don't listen. Who else is he? No, you don't, Nick. That is a good point. Yeah. I don't listen. Who else is he? No, you don't, Nick. That's the major problem. I'm Holden McNeely. Go, go, go. I just broke the mic. All right.

Don't force it, Holden. Sitting in for Kevin Barnett. Oh, so he's doing it. Yeah. No, that's just. It's ridiculous. I tried to eat the mic. Kevin Barnett is busy right now filming a pilot, I believe.

So, you know, we're the ones who are doing successful things. Was it? Sitting in for Kevin Barnett, Jordan Temple. Thanks for being here, Jordan. I like pachyderms and all types of crazy shit, and I like Tootsie Rolls and... Oh, damn. Oh, my... I'm sorry. Let me rephrase that.

Sitting in for Kevin Barnett. Kevin Barnett? Holy Lord. I don't know why I'm so fat. Oh, my... Sometimes I just look atett. Holy Lord. I don't know why I'm so fat. Oh, my. Sometimes I just look at my feet. No, I don't look at my. I can't see my feet. Yeah, it is. It is.

Barnett is fat today. He's going to get that breast reduction surgery. Damn, I'm fat. I just I just just trying to think positive thoughts, you know, just trying to. That's right. It is fat. Trying to have these trying to have these sensory deprivation take sessions in group with white woman.

You know, I'm just in group with white woman. The Kevin Barnett story. All right, Marcus, you have some news stories for us today. And, you know, we were going over the news stories at the top of the show. A lot of butts, a lot of vagina stuff, and a lot of bizarre death this week. Much bizarre death. Our first story was given to us from Alberto Ayora on our Facebook page. All right. After brutally beating a man with his... Which, by the way, Ayora on our Facebook page. All right.

After brutally beating a man with his... Which, by the way, going real quick with the Facebook page, send the dick pics right to Jackie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just shoot him right over to Jackie. So what happened here? We got a real... My dick pics, just flasher. Yeah.

Come by the Creek office. Come by the podcast. Flasher your dog. I need it. Horny Girl 69-69-420 will judge your dog and see if you're worthy of being squirted upon. And that's horny girl, horny, uh, G R R L, right? Yes. Yeah.

Girl. I didn't realize. 45 minutes it took to find that name. Brilliant. I'm a fucking animal. I don't need no fucking vowels. That's right. That is right.

No vowels allowed. Squirt, squirt on 20 dudes. It's so much squirt that an egg will come out. An ovary type situation. Those are expensive. $8,000 a pop. Not if you're fat and weird.

That's a good point. They won't buy them. They won't buy your eggs. There needs to be a comedy segment where Jackie tries to go sell her eggs. They're like, I'm sorry, ma'am. We don't allow drunk and alcoholic potheads to donate their eggs. Reminds me, the Chinese have a thing called the thousand-year-old egg.

I feel like that's kind of what it would be. It just ferments for years and years. And then apparently it's very disgusting. It has to be. Do you get drunk if you eat it? It's green, huh? Do you eat it? People eat it over there.

It's green. It's disgusting. We know it because they eat it on Amazing Race or whatever.? Do you eat it? People eat it over there. It's green. It's disgusting. We know it because they eat it on Amazing Race or whatever. Yeah, they eat it on that shit. With the bowl balls and shit like that. I was reading one of those stupid things. What are the grossest foods to eat? And that was one of them.

It's gross looking. It's green. Let's see this picture, Marcus. People eat that shit. If it's green, you've got to put it back in its pod. It can't actually be a thousand years. It is green. How old is this thing? Usually, actually, a hundred years. It is green. How old is this thing?

Usually actually a hundred years. It's called the century egg. The century egg. Yeah, it's made by preserving duck, chicken, or quail eggs in a mixture of clay, ash, salt, quicklime, and rice hulls. Oh. Actually, not a hundred years. For several weeks to several months.

Oh, it's a bit of an exaggeration. Depending on the method of processing. It is. Let's get back to our disgusting story given to us by a fantastic fan and listener, Alberto. Well, this is from Alberto. After brutally beating a man with his Nike Jordan shoes, a pimp filed a $100 million lawsuit against Nike

for not providing a warning label that their shoes could be used as a dangerous weapon. It's brilliant. I don't think there's a possibility this guy's going to win, but Nick, you're quite a shoe connoisseur. You love a nice shoe. Is that a fantasy? They call him the shoe man. You haven't been out in the streets.

They're always like, where's the shoe man? Look at these kicks on. Nick just showed us his brand new shoes. They're beautifully red. Best description. They're orange. I was more impressed you could actually keep your foot all the way above the table. That was phenomenal. I forgot I was doing an Ed impression. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

How many shoes do you own, Nick? Oh, not too many. 50 or 60? No, no, no. I only started buying shoes recently because before that I lived in a ditch for 13 years. Oh, that's fine. Kind of got a troll lifestyle. But I bought like eight or nine pairs this year.

I would want to kill somebody with an Adidas shoe or a Reebok pump. I think that would be a good weapon shoe. Almost all mine are Adidas. I got a little bit of money one time. I got a lot of high heels and different kinds of lipstick. That's awesome. And would that be what you would kill somebody with? And usually if you do hear about a shoe being used as a weapon, it is a high heel.

Yeah, absolutely. Because you can get it right through the skull. Oh, who doesn't love that movie? Yeah. How many times did this guy have to hit this person with a shoe to kill her? Well, in June, this guy's name is, I hope I get this right, Sergiorgio. You did not. You must have gotten it.

You think you got it? Sergiorgio. Sergiorgio. Sergiorgio. Sergiorgio. Sergiorgio. Sergiorgio. Sergiorgio.

Sergiorgio. Sergiorgio. Sergiorgio. You nailed it, Marcus. It sounds like he killed. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio.

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Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio.

Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio.

Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio.

Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio.

Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio.

Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio.

Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. Sergio. no way you got his name wrong. That actually is Sanford Clardy. Yeah, his last name is definitely Clardy. It's C-L-A-R-D-Y.

I'm going to stop reading over your shoulder. He's a Portland organ, repeatedly stomped on the face of a client with his Jordan shoes when the man refused to pay Clardy's prostitute. Oh, I think that this is more the stomping than the shoe. It's definitely more the stomping. It was his legs that did it. Oh, a man he didn't kill him the man required stiches and plastic surgery after the beating wow yeah he's blaming they don't they don't mention that this is uh holden right before that sex change oh that's not bad the newspaper reports that the

jury also found clardy guilty of robbing the man and beating the 18-year-old woman he forced to work as his prostitute. Her injuries were so severe that she bled from her ears. Ooh, that is a big injury. Where do you get hit, Jackie, as a woman, to bleed from your ears? Probably in your ears? Yeah, something like that. Question, Ben. It is a good question.

No, you know when, like, someone boxes your ears? Yeah. I've never had that happen, but that's supposed to be the worst pain. It's a wonderful life, right? That's what happened to his kid brother. He went deaf. No, he went deaf because he drowned. I think some people were boxing ears, though, too.

He didn't drown because, obviously, he was deaf. I'm not dead. That's one letter off, but it's a big distinction. Right. Well, Clardy, but it's a big distinction. Right. Well, Clardy, who is representing himself, is asking... He's a real Ted Bundy. I don't know why there's not a Tumblr that's like people representing themselves. I'm so sorry.

I'm like doing this as a secret. Like, don't tell the audience. I have a great idea about a Tumblr. If someone has a Tumblr, representyourself.com.tumblr. And it's just every story is hilarious. No one passed the bar, by the way. This is a lucky jury to be on. I would love to watch this guy

defend himself with the Nike shoe defense. He's asking a Multnomah County judge to order Nike to put warning labels on all their, quote, potentially dangerous Nike and Jordan merchandise. What number Jordans are these? It does not say. They're probably nice Jordans.

I would assume he doesn't have much respect for his shoe, though. If you kick somebody in the face multiple times, that's going to scuff up the shoe. Yeah, and the point to keep them all nice and fresh and clean and like, yeah, you don't want to have scuffs on there. You wait on line for those. Are you going to fuck them up? You know, get blood on the 20s? I never had a pair of jordan's ever even though my name is that that's that but as a guy who has a lot of shoes i have red shoes just in case i need to kick him into death yeah

those are the kicking man yeah yeah yeah yeah are those your adidas or are they a nike um honestly um i'm in a court situation myself right Right now. Are you defending yourself, Nick? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll be using one of my different aliases. Actually, my most insane. Sir Georgio something. Oh, really? I forgot.

It's so retarded. Man, it would be so great to see danger symbols, though, on all shoes. If you stomp a fucking John to death with these, he's going to die and you're going to go to prison. The complaint, which he hand wrote from the Eastern Oregon Correctional Institute in Pendleton, where he is incarcerated, said Nike failed to warn of risk or to provide an adequate warning or instruction that

their shoes are a potentially dangerous product. I mean, this is the coffee case of our time. The chick who spilled all the coffee of herself. To be fair to that woman, that was bad. We don't know where this country is going. He might win it. You never know.

If he wins it, this could be the greatest long story in the history. You'd have to put a warning on every single object ever made. That's what has to happen. To be fair, I am the only person who can see his mugshot. I mean, take a look at this guy. Well, he's a bit of an

angry looking fella. He's got a list to go. Sergio Clardy. He looks super mad and mean. I would hate to have to have dinner with him. Yeah, definitely. That's too bad because you just matched him up on Match.com, sir.

You have to go out with this guy. I liked his likes. I liked his likes, Marcus. He lawyers on the side. He's not a lawyer, though. He's definitely, he's a pimp. Yeah, he's a pimp. But not a lawyer.

Pimp, pimp, pimp. Jordan, did you know anybody who would wait in line for shoes and shit like that? I never understood it because you can just get them online the day after they come out. My cousin was one of those assholes. They don't put them online. They don't put the limited edition online? You can't get them on eBay? Not the specific shoe and entourage you're thinking of. Oh yeah?

No, what happens is they wait online and then they resell them on eBay and make like $500 profit. My cousin did that like the borders in Madison Square Garden. Yeah. Yeah. It's like my cousin, the Borders used to be in 34th Street.

Yeah, right on that street. He left me to go fucking wait for these shoes until like, it was like 7 o'clock. I was like, how long are you going to be on this line? He was like, I got to get in now before like the real thirsty people come. I'm like, you're that thirsty person? You're worse than those guys you're talking about. He waited like six hours.

Six hours for a pair of shoes. To make $500. I gotta get there in line before the people that want the shoes can get in. Just go be a waiter. You can make the same amount of money. Everyone. When was the last time any of us made $500 For six hours work

I mean you know it's a typical rate Book a shitty commercial You know A lot last time Totally That's why I bought nine pairs of shoes this year Even when I was selling drugs I didn't make that much

Not in a day at least Yeah so shoes. So it's better to be a shoe dealer than a drug dealer. I got to sell way better drugs. I got to get some perks. You just open up your jacket and you just have a bunch of shoes inside of it as opposed to drugs. I got to shoot some Asian kids in math. Yeah.

Perks? Yeah, perks. Perks. Perks. Perks. Perks. Perks. Perks.

Perks. Perks. Perks. Perks. Perks. Perks. Perks. Perks.

Perks. Perks. Perks. Perks. Perks. Perks. Perks. Perks.

Perks. Perks. Perks. Perks. Perks. Perks. Perks. Perks.

Perks. Perks. Perks. Perks. Perks. Perks. Perks. Perks. Perks. Perks. Perks. Perks. Perks. Perks. Perks. Perks. Perks. Perks. Perks. Perks. Perks. Perks. Perks. perks yeah perks percocets oh okay I'm not hip they won't perk you up though they'll put you to sleep

have a percocet that's a good point Holden have a percocet America's worst tagline they won't perk you up they'll put you to sleep they're horribly addictive they're terribly

terribly addictive try a percocet today little Jimmy you fucking prick got a chatty wife percocet whatever I used to I had my buddy had Jimmy, you fucking prick. What? Got a chatty wife? Percocet. Whatever.

I used to, I had, my buddy had a toe surgery on his toe. Oh, keep on going with this story. He had a bad nail in it, right? He had a bad nail he had to get out. This was about Ed. Yeah, yeah. But no, he was a straight edge. You know, he even had like the markers on his hands and everything sometimes, you know?

And so he gave me a full bottle of Percocet back in high school and i fucking ate them shits i had a bunch of perks recently oh yeah i threw my back out last month and you got them yeah i got them i don't have i don't have a doctor but i went to one i just i couldn't move one day i watched a very interesting story and it is about florida documentary about prescription drugs gone crazy in america 60 of all oxycontin was sold in florida in tampa yeah rather in tampa 60 of the nation's uh oxycontin went to tampa so that's what happened to florida it's insane painkillers are so fucking cheap oh and they're they're so good. I love a good painkiller. When you go to a pharmacy,

I've not bought them on the street. But compared to antibiotics, if you get whatever they send you a week or whatever, two weeks of antibiotics, it'll cost you $100. Yeah, that's ridiculous. Painkillers cost like $15. And if you get a like who's straight edge

it's just free and you're taking him off his hands but also they know how many prescriptions are written for painkillers every year and this was the thing

in Florida that's the thing you were telling me that was like yeah and they make three times as much Jackie's old high school friends like were all

on the oxys but a couple of them died didn't they I know Eddie had a friend that died because of oxycontins and shit like that. I don't know what kind of shoes they were wearing. Did you say you came home one time and their idea of hanging out was just drooling?

Like sitting around drooling? Well, that's pretty standard though. They're just like, man, I'm so itchy. It's not that much different than what we do now, is it? Paying to be itchy? I've walked into my apartment at 3 o'clock in the morning and seen Eddie looking pretty oxed out. But, you know, that's just because of 18 cans of Budweiser and about 8 bowls.

And salami. Oh, he's old school. If they didn't do it in 70s rock, Eddie don't do it now. That's right. You mean you don't do it now. Oh! You guys caught me. Uh-oh. There's right. You mean you don't do it now. You guys caught me. Uh oh.

When's the last time you had pimentazine, Eddie? Pimentazine? I've got some for everybody. That's not bad. What the fuck is that? It's like the shit, it's like a liquid like rappers talk about it, like lean. They mix Sprite with it and shit.

It's like a downer. Lean, I've heard of this lean. Lil Wayne almost overdosed on it. Lil Wayne does a bunch of wild stuff. He does the robo-tripping. The what? The robo-tripping. Robitussin-tripping, where you just drink a bunch of that. It's almost the same thing.

Lil Wayne knows he has money, right? He knows that he could just go buy a bunch of drugs. Tussin is the active ingredient in Scissor. Yes, it is. Or Purple Drain. That's my favorite thing about Little Wayne. All he does is use street drugs that seventh graders use. He's a multi-millionaire.

Step up the fucking game. I love that quote from the Katie Couric interview. I just always think about it. People are like, don't worry about what's in my cup. That's my cup. And he has a point. We live in America. That's his cup. Privacy.

You deal with your cup. Give Mr. Wayne some privacy. I agree with that philosophy. That's a philosophy that goes for all things. For all of life. He's like, I can have Pedialyte in my cup. That makes no difference to you when I got my cup. Sometimes I'm dehydrated.

But literally, for him to be alive, his cup, at least half the time, has to just be water. I hope so. I really hope so. But before him, there was a boy named Ben Kissel who drank two bottles of Triamedic when he was six years old. And that's what balloons you up to 450 pounds? That was when I was a freshman in college. Thank you, Nick. That was when it was super embarrassing to be fat

because a six-year-old's fat is cute and lovable, but a six-foot-seven, 400-pounder who's a freshman in college doesn't get booked for the leading roles. For those of you just listening to this, Ben has peed himself. What? I peed myself?

What does that mean? When did that happen, Nick? You did it. I didn't do it. You did it. I haven't beat myself. What the fuck kind of bullshit show is this? Smells like pee-pee in here. He's getting his pee-pee all over me,

Marcus. Kick him out, Marcus. Jesus Christ. Jordan, you ever see anybody get beat up because someone scuffed their shoes or rushed them? Yeah. I beat people up. You did? Yeah. I smacked a couple people.

I can't see you being violent whatsoever. No, when I was a teenager, I was a violent person. Really? So I should be terrified of all teenagers because you're the nicest, most subdued person I've met in New York City. Oh, when I was a teenager, I was real mean. No, you were not a boy. I was real big and mean. I just want to beat the shit out of you, Holden. I was a teenager, I was real mean. No, you were not a boy. I was real big and mean.

I just want to beat the shit out of you, Holden. I was very depressed. So you were depressed, and that's why you got upset. I was depressed, and I would get in a fight. One time I got in a fight with this kid. I was like, if you're still here, when I get back. What happened is we got in a fight. We took our shirt off.

Oh, this is getting hot, Jackie. I know how you like this fight so far. I made goose up. Ready to squirt? this is getting hot. Jackie, how you like this fight so far? I made goose up. Ready to squirt? Jackie's getting ready. Oh, I'm primed. I'm primed. She's up on the chair.

Oh, there we go. She's got a good six-a-dash. Jackie almost peed herself. It's just guacamole. Oh, that's not bad. She's had some hit in there. It's the best stimulant. It is.

So this dude fucked up your shoes and you beat him up? No, no. That's not what... I was just getting violent. I was like... It's the best stimulant It is So this dude fucked up your shoes And you beat him up Nah nah That's not what I was just getting violent I was like I was just getting violent I don't know I'm not lucid

So nah I punched this dude in the face And he spun around That's cool And that was cool But then I fell over a bike Onto a bench And he just punched me

Real hard in the head Like three times That's hilarious And I got a speed knot And I was like If you're still here When I come back i'm gonna stab you and i ran upstairs and got my mother's butcher knife oh that's great oh nice and i ran outside like a like a urban like zulu warrior and he wasn't there and like later i um i heard that uh there was like an undercover cop there and he was like who's that and they were like oh that's that's so-and-so's brother like Later, I heard that there was an undercover cop there.

And he was like, who's that? And they were like, oh, that's so-and-so's brother. My brother was nine years older than me. Went to Oberlin. Good guy. Light skin. So, you know. I like him already.

Yeah, of course. Oberlin. No, it's just different. Yeah. We look nothing alike. So because your brother was a mildly good person This cop Didn't go by the NYPD protocol

And shoot you dead Right He could've He could've And I wouldn't be On this podcast With beautiful Ed Larson today

Yeah That would be sad And the rest of The beautiful people here Actually The craziest thing about that Is like I had the butcher knife

And then there was this kid Who sent Who went up Went with me upstairs to like get rid of it he was like man you need to wipe off the prints and then he wiped off the but the crazy shit was like i threw it in an incinerator but this kid was the biggest dick because he actually uh served some prison time for shooting holding his uh holding a gun out the window and shooting jesus so it's like getting advice from him is just like,

he's an idiot. He's a brilliant guy to get advice from. You threw it in an incinerator? It's probably not going to do anything with the knife itself. Where'd you find the incinerator? In my building where I live. Hey, don't worry about where the incinerator is. We find them when we need them.

You got to find an incinerator when you need it. No, you want to ask the guys who went to jail because they know what not to do. Well, I mean, they did it. And then hold on to the weapon later. Yeah. I guess you guys already talked about it on page seven, probably, but this Ja Rule situation with leaving his...

Oh, yeah. He left his wife for a duty met in prison. Yeah. Oh, that's real? I saw that. Ja Rule left his wife for a man he met in prison? When did this story break? Jackie, you know more

about it than i do but you're eating some guacamole yeah jackie's literally eating chips and guacamole right now to this conversation i'm trying to not eat into the microphone i know a great job over here yeah what happened so i mean he got gay he went to prison for a while has the joke where it's like you can only catch gay in prison. And it does seem to be an accurate analogy here. It seems to be an accurate thing. Yeah, because then you have your fuck all the time. Forever for the amount of resentments.

So does he want to stay in prison then if you want to be the love of your life? His wife quoted him as saying, or his wife was quoted, he wrote all them love songs and still don't know how to treat a bitch. We spent 10 plus years building our marriage, but it only took him two to decide he'd rather suck a dick than be with his wife. Well, there's no way to talk about women. This woman's a sexist woman. I read this like a month ago. Yeah, it's about a month ago.

Oh, it's that old? You told me so recently. This isn't a real story. He's come out and being like, you're right, I'm gay. Because we all would have heard that. This is some wife whose rapper husband left him and is just

talking some bullshit. Rappers have beautiful wives that they love very much. I'm saying rappers aren't known for being great husbands. Well, not necessarily. I'm guessing there's a few upset rapper's wives, and this one's this one. They're on Atlanta doing that hip-hop show, whatever.

Yeah, my friend actually produces and directs that show. His friend is Ed Lover and Dr. Dre. Ed Lover and Dr. Dre, that's correct. It was always confusing, fat Ed Lover and skinny Ed Lover. No, it wasn't, because he was so fat. Yeah, but then one was skinny. It confused me. Well, it wasn't that confusing.

I mean, they did different jobs. But they were both named Ed Lover. No, they were both named Dr. Dre. Whatever. I don't understand. What is happening? I don't think I can lose this argument. I'm very lost right now.

No, no, no. There were two Dr. Dres. It was two Dr. Dres. Two Dr. Dres. I'm very lost right now. No, no, no. There were two Dr. Dre's? It was two Dr. Dre's. I'm sorry. There were. Who the fuck is Ed Lover? Ed Lover and Dr. Dre hosted Yo! MTV Raps. They hosted a hip-hop radio show

in New York. He's getting riled. What are you talking about, skinny Ed Larson? Let's be honest. That's getting riled. What are you talking about, skinny Ed Larson? Let's be honest. He's a fatter, uglier Ed Larson. That's a nice compliment. No, it is.

I am much skinnier than Ed Larson. Ed Larson's now looking great. And I am looking fucking fantastic. Leave Eddie alone. He looks great. You have a lot more shoes.

Not compared to me. I mean, Eddie's technically still more attractive than you. I look the best as, I don't know, maybe anyone in the world. I'm getting huge.

I was just doing the two Dr. Dre things and you guys were going off so that's all i had i just i love all you unconditionally wait a minute it doesn't matter so i'm pitching the whole thing you're not ed larson you've really changed since you took acid oh and then on uh yeah i took acid new year's eve i was here till 6 30 in the the morning, bugging out. And then on the 3rd, I was telling you guys outside, I had my first century deprivation tank session. How was that? What? What is that?

Where do they have it here? In Chelsea. It's an enclosure. You get in. It's essentially a bathtub, and it's all dark and stuff. It's like a filtration system where they filter the water. It's water in it and, like, like hundreds of dollars worth of Epsom salts and you float in darkness and it cuts off

all sensory input and you just space out and shut up. That sounds wild. I just feel like you are one skin lightning treatment away from getting a monkey named Coco or what is it? Bubbles. Something like that. You know that was funny.

This is where Michael Jackson started. That's funny because when I first told my stepmother that i was getting it she was like you're doing those white people activities white people hey we gotta get off that i was like you know what if they're white people activities and it's gonna help me feel better well then i'm just a white person. White people have been nice for a while. Join us. Jesus, Martin. We got one. I'll check mark on the notch.

He still took a butcher knife out to the streets and tried to stab somebody. Of course I'm joking. That was before. That was before the transformation. That was really lazy writing. I just said, nah, I just want to feel good about myself. Let me ask you this, man. You ever ridden a horse? Nah, man. What are your thoughts on Dave Matthews' band? You went through a Dave Matthews band thing. I like Philip Glass. just said nah i just want to feel good about myself let me ask you this man you ever ridden a horse nah man i like philip glass you know what i mean okay i like talking heads i like listening

to ethereal music and doing puzzles now we gotta go do the whitest thing fish we're going on a fish run nah man i listen to talking heads i don't need to listen to fish okay well he does make a point that's true yeah they do covers no but it was it was a great experience but like uh i wipe my ass too hard sometimes and like for the first team first 15 minutes i was just getting used to being in the tank and it was stinging yeah it was really cleaning out the butthole there no but it was very like i got it i had a show here later that night, and I was like, I'm going to get in there, and I'm going to go through my set a whole bunch of times

and then come up with some brilliant tags. Right. Every tag was just like, and then my assholes burning. And saying shit I did on New Year's, like, while I was taking asses, like, saying, time isn't real. I said that like a hundred times. Yeah, it's true, though. It's true, though though it is not real

but the time that they made up is really helpful oh yeah you gotta follow it it's super helpful if you got someplace to be and what not

you should I would say I want that thing where you get in the tub and the little fishes nibble on you and get all get y'all clean piranhas

you mean your feet oh the ones that are they just oh I thought you got in the hole. It's usually like a foot thing. I think you're just supposed to put your feet in there. The ones that clean off the whales and shit? Yeah, you put your feet and shit in there,

but I just want to get submerged in the whole thing. I mean, all the fish are just going to die if you go in there. They're immediately going to rise to the surface and the company's going to go out of business. It's going to be a nightmare. Then you're going to have to be the fish. Holden's got to live his life, clean people's feet. If you want to ruin the lives of some kids who will never eat again, that's perfect.

All right, so the guy stopped a pimp, or a John Deere death, whatever. We have another story about bizarre death. Marcus, let's do that one. Let's move on to another bizarre death. Authorities have arrested a man in the bizarre killing of a stepfather who was found with his own underwear stretched around his head and neck. The stepson called it, quote, an atomic wedgie. I love this death.

This is the best. Brad Davis, 33, of McLeod, was arrested on a murder complaint Tuesday evening in the death of Denver Lee St. Clair, 58. St. Clair was the husband of Davis' mother. McLeod police and Pottawatomie County deputies were called about 10, 10 p.m. Davis said he and St. Clair fought, and he thought St. Clair was dead. When authorities questioned Davis, he said St. Clair asked him to come over for drinks. The men began arguing, and Davis told officers that St. Clair, quote,

came at him, and they began exchanging blows. Can we all just agree that his stepfather had far too large of underwear? How does it rip if it goes all the way above the head? I mean, doesn't that underwear always rips? Davis told investigators that he hit St. Clair's head, causing him to lose consciousness. Then Davis said he grabbed his stepfather's underwear and gave him an atomic wedgie by pulling the underwear over his stepir's head, causing him to lose consciousness. Then, Davis said, he grabbed his stepfather's underwear and gave him an atomic wedgie by pulling the underwear over his stepfather's head.

So, he gave him this atomic wedgie after he was already unconscious. So, it was probably the hit to the face. Again, it wasn't the shoes, it was the stomping. It was probably the hit to the face, not the atomic wedgie. What's the cause of death? The cause of death was determined to be from blunt force trauma to the head and asphyxiation. So, the atomic wedgie was the one-two blunt force trauma to the head and asphyxiation. Wow, it was.

So the atomic wedgie was the one to punch. So how did the asphyxiation happen? I don't understand that part. Can't you breathe through underwear? I guess not. Oh, he pulled it all the way over his face and put it under his chin. Yeah. But can't you just breathe through? You gotta be able to breathe through cotton. I don't know, man. It was leather.

It was leather underwear. Leather underwear. That would do it. And that would explain how it stretched. Or you put anything over anybody's head and then cover their nose and mouth anyway. Right, right, right. This is an embarrassing way to die. Isn't it? To get killed by an atomic wedgie? I kind of just

want to see if my underwear could go up over my head. I mean, but this is the thing. It can. But this is the thing. I mean, ladies this is the thing, it can, but this is the thing. I mean, the ladies wear What are your favorite pairs? The one with Jackie? This is the thing

is that you were so close to being the only person on his death report to have it written Atomic Wedgie, to die by Atomic Wedgie. So close. And it's like,

wouldn't that be cool? At least you got, you're going to be in like the Guinness Book forever. Or Darwin Awards, yeah. Or at least, at least ridiculed in the Darwin Awards. Sure.

But now he's got nothing. Asphyxiation. Yeah. Everybody. Typical. We all die that way. Anyone who's died sexually, that's how. I mean, that's got a tear of a butthole, though, the atomic wedgie.

You can't have that deprivation take experience after this. I have. Absolutely not. No. When I was growing up, I got wedgied all the time and there was a wedgie competition going on.

God, your underwear definitely could probably Oh, don't go to school with streaks when wedgie season's about. Because they'll make fun of you for that. compared to gills.

You guys ever got a fucking gill? A gill? Like a fucking A front wedgie? Like dudes, you remember like the games like they put like this

under the waist like the fingers the like they put like this under the waist, like the fingers, the four fingers up like a fucking, like you're like trying to kiss an Italian kiss, but like holding it there, like that's like balls. So if you look at it and they're like, hey, look here. And if you look at it, they'll be like, give me mine and fucking take your, take two fingers and swipe it across the back of your neck real hard

and that's a gill yeah they say it's like an Indian burn it's like a baby Indian burn for your neck like kids in my neighborhood did that all the time so it's just fingers

along the back of your neck I bled one time but I mean in combination with wedgies that's pretty shitty so you get gilled and then you get wedgied and then that's all she wrote

yeah you get you get like a wedgie first and then they're like, you want this candy? You're like, oh, my bad, man. You want some candy? I feel bad. You're like, oh, you looked at it. Give me mine. Then you get a gild. Then you get punched in the face.

Wow. Then you get your spot taken on the line while you're Oh, it's a whole thing. It's a whole thing. Yeah, they can get robbed. Yeah, give me mine. And then they take the back of your skin. Then you get your spot taken on the line while you're waiting for Jordan's. Oh, man. It's the shitty growing up. Yeah, that's a $500 burn. Punch in the face. Kids are wild.

Kids are wild. Stomped. Yeah, the treatment. A lot of bullying went on in the school days when we were coming up. I don't think the bullying exists as much as people make it out to be now. I don't know. It's not as bad as it used to be. It's cyber bullying.

Yeah, but now they got the knockout game. Yeah, they got the knockout and they got the cyber bully. It's in cyberspace. Cyberspace bullying? Yeah, they do it in the cyber webs. Oh, yeah. And then you fucking kill yourself. Our guest today is Holden's uncle from Minnesota.

Minnesota. Oh, you got a cyber bully. Tell you your balls are too small. Then you cheat yourself. Is that wow? You got your balls are small? You got the smallest balls, Jeremy. You got the smallest balls, Jeremy.

I was talking to Joe Mackey. He's a great comedian. He's been on the Letterman program, and I think he's been on our show as well. Joe's been on. Yeah, he's been on. Here, let's play a clip of Joe. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Yes.

Good one. But he's got a great new bit about cyberbullying and how it's like you're supposed to be able to win that war if you're a nerd. Yeah. It's the internet. You're supposed to win the internet. You're a dork. And so if you get cyberbull um that's that's on you you know and it's mostly it's a lot of it's a lot of more jocular

types that are getting cyber bullied it's a it's a nerd arena you know there's no physicality whatsoever it's people who aren't smart enough to fight back on the internet yeah remember that it was a basketball player in in college and he had met a woman online and began like whatever online relationship getting saucy and then uh while he was like doing a free throw the members of the other team this is like a crucial moment of the game or something members of the of the other school who had uh made a fake profile of this woman that he was talking he got catfished started yelling or maybe it wasn't just like this one moment but just the whole game and it was like this important game

And they were just Yelling out quotes That he had said to her Like I want to do This thing to you The whole team And he's like crying No one's heard of this

So you know That man Ty Taylor situation Was he a starter Yes Oh no They picked him Because he was

The star of the team I mean first of all Not to continue To blame the victim But I will again Blame the victim You're a fucking Basketball player I get college basketball You know, not to continue to blame the victim, but I will again blame the victim. You're a fucking basketball player.

I get college basketball. You know, you have to meet chicks online. I don't understand that at all. I mean, people meet chicks all the time. It happened to that Manti Teo player there, the linebacker for I forget what university. Oh, man, that was dumb. It was ridiculous. You got to not be talking to chicks online.

You're getting pussy after the game and shit. You just walk out of the game and you get it. Yeah. Right? Isn't that what the stuff I miss out on? Yeah, isn't that what happens in Murfreesboro? Yeah, right when I walk out of Murfreesboro. It's like pussy, pussy.

I keep having to just knock chicks off of me. They're trying to suck my dick right on the stage. You're like, I can't, I can't. I'm sick of it, man. Everyone's looking. They see my big ass penis. Right, right. i can see that holding slaying the puss oh my god just always yeah and the technique is great so the technique's great

so the whole time i'm like oh i'm gonna go but it's like we're on the stage right now i can't be going on you and your eyeballs uh you know until we're in a bathroom or something right right that's that's appropriate. Of course, Murder Fist is a sketch group that Jackie and Holden are in and you guys just got back from Chicago and I'm sure you got all the pussy in the world in Chicago. Shooting loads. Dude, yeah, man. It was like

dick for fucking days. I fucking almost choked to death. They had a room called the load room. You go in and just get the load out immediately. The load room. Yeah. I think in and just get the load out. Immediately. The load room. Yeah. I think you were just supposed to put your props in there.

I think that's what that room was for. That's, oh, I thought those masks were to like come on the, yeah, that load is props. You kept on working backwards, Jackie.

You said, you said you were squirting on all those guys and you said there's like all these loads and you were getting, you were getting came on. I don't know.

No, no, no. I loaded on that. That's how much I squirt. It's like a cum load. Jackie's got loads. I mean, that's the thing. It's like Jackie on her pussy, she has a tattoo that says exit only. It's really bizarre.

It's really interesting. They call me the fucking lobster tank. Yeah, the old lobster tank. Jackie Zebrowski. Oh my lord. Marcus, forget about this story. So this poor guy, he gets suffocated by his own underwear. Yeah. I hope that he had a fresh pair on that day.

That would be bad if you end up with a little dookie stain on your nose after post-mortem. I mean, he was already unconscious. Yeah. I mean, I guess it is the post-mortem humiliation. It might have woken him up. Maybe he should have had some dirty underwear on. A little smelling salt. It's kind of hard

not to have skids in your underwear if you have like tighty-whities though. Yeah. Absolutely. I wear tighty-whities every day. I don't usually have skids. You have those little rabbit poopies. You got those little like poop-like stuff. I also have a really big ass. Like I have a real big butt. Alright, Marcus. No, I do. I have a real big butt. All right, Marcus.

No, I do. I got a real big bubble butt. I got a real big bubble butt, so my underwear is taken very far away from the butthole itself. That's the thing. If you and your girlfriend, of course, Nikita, beautiful Nikita, African-American gal,

although she's not American, African-British gal. Yes. Crushing it. Thank you. He is crushing it. Every time I fucking see her, I'm like, leave him.

She does. Yeah. And then he's see her, I'm like, leave him. She does. Yeah. But your kid's going to have a beautiful black butt and it's going to be because of you. Yeah. Isn't that the ironic part about it? It's bizarre. It's bizarre. But she'll be smart because of him.

Get into that. I stayed with the white woman for the gat baby kid money. For the hope of it. Hell yeah. Just so I could be like, yo, man, retirement at 27. Never cut that kid's hair. Yeah, but in two years I might. You know what I'm saying?

No one wants the white babies. No, man. White babies don't get any money these days. It's all the multiracial babies that get all the money. They're the fifth cutest babies. White babies? Yeah, it goes Asian babies, which includes Indians. Then like probably biracial.

Biracial, and then maybe a Hispanic baby, then a black baby. No, black baby is like third. Black baby is absolutely third. Asian babies are crushing. I'll tell you why black babies are the cutest, because racists down in the South, in Texas when I grew up,

what people would always say after, people would be talking shit about black people and then, I don't know why, the women would always interject with, but their babies are so cute. Their babies are cute. That was like the palate cleanser of the racist conversation.

It's like, you know what, we're not totally racist. Only because they knew they could take their babies if they tried to rob them. And then when they get about seven, then they got to just go in the toilet. We don't like them anymore. They reach the age of reason and we hate them. Defending themselves and things. Trying to learn to read.

Very bad. Very bad things. Horrible stuff. Indian babies, really? Indian babies are beautiful. All Asian babies? I mean, they's a hairy face. But they're pretty dope.

I'm disgust on Jackie's face right now. It's palpable. I mean, nah. It's not disgust. I just don't know. I mean, Indian babies are pretty fucking cute. Damn. Indian babies are really cute.

This is the creepiest thing you've ever googled. You Indian babies. I just googled Indian babies. And Marcus has made it onto a new list. The adoption agency list. You'll be getting some letters. Where's BuzzFeed's list for cute babies? Oh, I'm sure he's just...

We're not looking at it. The 13 cute babies, and you won't believe what they did next. All right. I've got to move the show along here. No one wants to hear us talk about cute babies. This is the second week in a row we talk about cute dogs and whatnot. I love all the cute things we like. I like you too actually, probably more than most, but we have

an audience to entertain. Well, we're going to take a very big divergence from cute. This is another story from a listener. This is from Quinn McDonald on the Facebook page. Thank you, Quinn. Thank you, Quinn. Is that a lady? That's a lady. It's a lady. Is it a lady? It's definitely a lady. Well, then thank you, Quinn. Let me double check. That's a lady. It's a lady. Is it a lady? It's definitely a lady. Well, then thank you,

Quinn. Let me double check. That's a lady. Good girl name. Oh, shout out to Alex, by the way. Met him in Chicago. Yeah, yeah, listen to Alex. Totally, man. Yeah, yeah. He was awesome. Yeah, great times, man. That dude sat right up front, had a blast. Alex Rodriguez. Yes, yeah. Okay, we had a good time. Very good.

A teenager stabbed his mother before cutting off his own penis after he was believed to have taken the party drug methadrone, commonly known as Meow Meow. He was the cutest kid. Meow Meow. He was the cutest baby. Meow Meow. Meow Meow.

Yeah. I've heard so much about this goddamn. Yes. Meow Meow is the newest drug around, and I have no idea what's in this fucking thing. What is it with Meow Meow that's making people mutilate theirilate they're nuts well i'm looking up meow meow right now it's a synthetic stimulant drug of the amphetamine and cathinone class so you're looking up meow meow right now yeah and what is it it's a synthetic stimulant right now wait it sounds like was it like meth special k like mixed together it was like you say ketamine?

No, no, no. I said cathinone. Oh. Okay, so it's cathinone and ketamine. Cathinone and amphetamine. And amphetamine. Yeah, yeah. So I guess that's why they call it meow meow, because of the cathinone.

The cathinone makes it a meow meow. Cat. Yeah. And what is this drug supposed to do other than make you mutilate your genitals? Users have reported that methadrone causes euphoria, stimulation, and enhanced appreciation for music, an elevated mood, decreased hostility, improved mental function, and mild sexual stimulation.

So what? Yeah, this sounds like a great drug. I feel like this kid was gonna fucking cut off his nuts no matter what. Yeah, it's compared to cocaine, amphetamines, and MDMA. This is the first story that I've ever heard about the drugs. Usually we talk about Crocodile and shit like that, but Meow Meow actually sounds kind of fun to do.

Now, Meow Meow. Meow? Meow Meow now. When do I take the Meow Meow? You take it now. Okay. Yo, are we going to do drugs on this podcast? I wish.

I want Meow Meow. We've been talking about drugs a lot. We do talk about drugs a lot. This is it. Jordan, you do some meow meow, you're going to be at a whole other white level. Oh, God. It's going to be huge. We're in phase two right now.

I have some perks at home. I could have brought them. I just didn't know. The 19-year-old student. No, the perks. They actually don't perk you up, though. Is that true? I think they bring it down.

I think that they bring it down. They bring it down. I'm remembering now the slogan. I got some. What was it again, Hold slogan. The slogan for perks. It doesn't perk you up. That's the opposite of that. It makes you real sad and sleepy.

Don't have fun with it. Don't have fun with it. How will Holden's uncle say that? How would he promote it? Hey, get here. Come here. Come here in the dark room. He's from Minnesota. Come here in the dark room. That's all right. Come here in the dark room. Oh, he's from Minnesota. Come here in the... Oh, come here in the dark room. That's all right.

Oh, come here in the dark room. That's good. Come here in the dark room. Yeah, you know. Don't you know? You'll get in the dark room. You'll get a bad... That'll be a bad deal.

That sounds terrifying. Well, the 19-year-old student hacked at his private parts with a knife after attacking his mother at their family home. He was discovered hanging out of a bedroom window, blood gushing from his groin after his terrified mother called emergency services to the house in Haywards Heath, West Sussex in England. It's a real Rapunzel situation, you know? Grab his nuts, climb your way up there. The nuts were gone! Let down your blood!

Let down your bloody nuts! All right, I can only do this twice. So the nuts were gone. Let down your blood. Let down your bloody nuts. Alright, I can only do this twice. So the nuts were gone? Well, they reattached the teenager's penis, according to the study. One more penis off the street. Absolutely. Get these dicks out of here.

Did he want to be transgender? Does he have a sexual identity issue? I mean, you must really hate your dick. Holden? Holden, answer. Is it transgendered member of the round table? I mean, sometimes I think of it like a second nose. It doesn't hurt me so bad.

So you think of your dong as a second nose. Yeah, because I sometimes like to try. I'm trying to teach it to smell. And then it's like, oh, look at my nose down there. And then it's not my penis. If you're and I can live another day, you know, that sounds it's just so close to the butthole. It's so close to the bung area.

I would never want my dick to be able to smell. I also like to completely. I like to completely cover. Like I said, I got the lipstick collection. I like to completely cover my penis in a shade of lipstick. What shade? Oh, I have various kinds of shade. So I'm more into the sparkly kind of lipstick

that has little like sparklies in it well isn't that interesting now jordan i'm looking at your lips and they seem to be shimmering yeah isn't that kind of interesting well this i have on fuchsia lipstick right well i mean hold it and what's your penis color today uh today it's it's a purple sparkles. Oh, very fascinating. No, no, no. No coinkydinks here. No coinkydinks here. No, sir. Level four white. Jordan Temple sucked his first dick. Every white man goes through the phase.

You gotta suck a dick once. That's level four. I think it's great because, you know, Fuchsia Dick today got a nice little arrangement of colors on the stripy sweater. That is a nice sweater. Now you're analyzing a white man's sweater? You are climbing up the ranks, Jordan. You know, soon enough, people want to

sit next to me on the train. I don't know. Let's not jump five steps. That's actually kind of aggravating. How loud are your headphones? I don't... Oh, how loud? Okay. On the train. Can I hear them?

I don't even have any. But I still rap to myself. You're level three. You went down two. You went back down again. That's terrible. That's fine. That's where you want to hover though. That's the sweet spot. I sent black people back like, how long is this program? 40, about an hour?

Yeah, an hour, 60 minutes. So this poor kid who cut off his dick and cut off his balls now, how is he doing? He's in stable condition. I've got some more information on methadrine. Oh, great. It was actually legal in England until 2010 and it is believed that at least one person a week dies from it, much like

we sold the drug, the synthetic drug bath salts here in the United States legally. In England, they sold methadrone as plant food. Oh, okay. The drug which is... All the plants died. Yeah, it would be a nice country to be a plant in, it sounds like.

It's chemically similar to compounds found in the cot plant. The what plant? The cot plant of eastern Africa, which is another amphetamine type drug. I believe that cot has also made its way... K-H-A-T? Yeah. I believe it's also made its way over

to the Middle East for insurgents and people like that to eat before battles to give them that extra oomph. Nice. That's right. Sounds great. You can't get the good stuff before a battle. I feel like this is the good stuff. You're about to go die like, here, I got some uncut Coke.

We're not chewing on leaves today. Everyone's just like, there was too much baby laxative in that Coke. I'm shitting here. I'm supposed to be a sniper hiding in the woods. I'm farting nonstop. Yeah, that's a good point. In the sand, when they really want caught,

they just put caught, caught, like draw it in and then like someone will meet them back there in that spot. I heard that. I've heard that about the war. Something like that. That's how you get drunk. I'm not very lucid.

I'm not very lucid. You said something about Jordans? Yeah. Are you talking about the country, Jordan? Huh? No, his name is Jordan. Well, yeah, I know that. He's not a drug dealer anymore, Ben.

Why would you assume that Jordan's a drug dealer still? Why would you assume just because he told you that he used to be a drug dealer? I was like 16. When you hit level five white, though, you're like free and clear. Yeah, you're fine. Oh, totally. Free forever. If the cops ever came to your house, just have your brother answer the door.

Yeah. And they're like, oh, I'm sorry. We thought a drug dealer lived here. I'm sorry, professor. We realized it was the next prison. You're a much different temple than we were. Yeah. You're a different, like, this is a temple.

This is the temple residence. You're a spirit. You will need four white guys And at least one of those white guys Has to be dating an Asian girl In order to really You know tell the cops That you are fully white

But once we do that It's totally fine That's legit Because that's my dream This year I'm like I gotta find a really prissy Asian girl Who has like a Harvard education That's a good dream

Like both her parents Very wealthy And like she's a piece of shit But she likes me For some reason She digs my comedy She listens to this podcast Yeah

And that's what happens She's like oh my god Listen to that dude Just achieve all these Levels of whiteness Now I want to suck his dick In the bathroom And that's a fun combination

That isn't really Fully explored yet in America I was talking to our friend Saman He was just on the last episode Of Top Hat And his friend is an Asian black from... He was a black soldier.

Had sex with a Vietnamese gal and went over to Vietnam. And he said it wasn't the best combination. Don't you mean rape? My God. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what they were doing. Jackie, don't go rape crazy. For Christ's sake, Jackie.

You're the reason we're not on the Huffington Post. This is the latest in the show. We've mentioned rape for the first time. That is actually amazing. We are moving forward. Progress. It's just because I've been eating chips the whole time. Yeah, you're right.

That's true. You would think about rape the whole time. Who's thinking about rape when you've got them chips, though? It's hard to think about it. That's what they should start doing. They should start getting chips out of the streets. To rapists. Yeah, yeah. I've been dreaming about it. Who's thinking about rape when you got them chips, though? It's hard to think about it. That's what they should start doing. They should start getting chips out of the streets. To rapists. Yeah, to rapists. Yeah, that's a good idea. I was a rapist, but I got into chips.

Oh, those chips are delicious. I can't even think of rape happening. All rapists should take this drug and cut off their penis. Take the meow meow and cut off your dick if you're even debating rape. I wanted to take it back for a second. You're about to fight in a battle. Sure.

A battle for your country. Always am. What is your drug cocktail of choice? Oh my God. It's got to be a mixture of, I want a little bit, you need that upper, right? Okay. So you need a little crank. I've done crack in my life.

That gave me a nice feeling. No way. Oh yeah. In Minnesota, me and my best friend Dave, we were going to buy some ecstasy. We gave the guy all the money. He ended up taking all of Dave's money and stealing

his identity. Very funny. What? How do you get it from money? Now I'm Andrew Jackson. My friend Dave, we were so smart. We were so intelligent. The guy said, let me see your wallets to make sure you're not a cop. I didn't give him my wallet, but Dave gave him his wallet,

and the guy swiped his fucking driver's license, which helps you steal somebody's identity. And so we wanted ecstasy, and then the guy gave us crack, and we're like, this is not ecstasy. And he's like, well, this is what we call ecstasy in Minnesota, but that's not true. Ecstasy is ecstasy. And he's like, well, this is what we call ecstasy in Minnesota. But that's not true. Like ecstasy is ecstasy everywhere.

I thought crank was going to be crystal. Crank could be crystal. Sure. I think crank could, you know, crank can kind of go. So a little crack, that would be good. You definitely need to be boozed up. Maybe a little huffing of something, a paint thinner, something to make you slightly cloudy, something to make it a little bit more foggy. You know what?

I'd throw a Four Loko on there. Oh, you put eight Four Lokos. Get a Shaquille O'Neal napkin or whatever that shit is. Yeah, drop some meow-meow in a Four Loko. That's all you need to go to battle, unless it's a stealth mission. Then you're going to fail real bad. But if it's just a...

No, they're not sending you bidkissel. We're six foot seven, big just a no we're talking they're not sending you big kiss we're six foot seven big fat big kiss they're not sending me on a stealth mission we're putting you on the blitzkrieg my friend oh man yeah just anything that fucking makes my eyes wide and if you want to hear what we're all like on the original four loco you can check in the uh the episode archives we all drank two four loc Locos. It's pretty early on. You can't even understand it. I feel like I remember that. We drank two Four Locos

in the space of an hour, all of us. Afterwards, we had to talk Kevin down from going out and finding someone to fight. And Mark Norman as well. They were both talking together about going out and finding someone to fight. And within ten months, anything that really gets your blood boiling. about going out and finding someone to fight. And within 10 months. That's how you know. That's funny. Yeah, yeah. Anything that really gets your blood boiling, you know?

And then just show me a picture of my father, and I'm ready to go to war. That's it. Show me these pack of dimes. Show me elephant tusks. Oh, my. Yeah, we won't even get started on elephant tusks. Leave those elephants alone.

I think I'd eat a bunch of creatine before the battle. Well, creatine actually gets you all bloated, though. You have to work out a lot. You can't just eat it. You're going to end up like Kenny Powers. You're just going to have a big gut, but with no muscle. I think I'd eat some expired chicken or something to not have to do it. Expired chicken to get out of it.

Oh, my stomach. If you're like a gorilla in the jungles, if you have a stomach ache, do you still have to fight? Like a gorilla warrior? No, you could just stay back in the jungles. If you have a stomach ache, do you still have to fight? Like a guerrilla warrior? You could just stay back in the hotel. I don't want to insurge today. As a matter of fact, I think that they would probably do something.

You would dip the arrow or the bullets in your own shit, and then you could shoot somebody with it and they would get sick. They used to do that during Vietnam very regularly. Regularly? Once an arrow's in a guy, haven't you already won? No, I mean, whenever someone would fall down one of those little traps.

A bear trap? Yeah, a bear trap or whatever. All the spikes covered in shit. Yeah, they would just shit on their toilet. They would shit on all the spikes. They loved to do it. They wouldn't shit in their foxhole. They would shit in their foxhole.

Why not? That is irresponsible. What are you going to do? You can't go out of the foxhole. There's no port-a-potty company. This isn't Lollapalooza. You don't shit all the time you wait you shit once a day that's a fact in the army if you shoot twice a day you you get shot probably very regiment with the shit they say shit shit shot that's the shit yeah that's true yeah yeah i remember that and you

got it you got a shit especially if it's guerrilla warfare. You're in the woods. You got a white woman in the woods on your shirt, Ben. I really like it. That's right. Thank you, Jordan. I have a white woman in the woods on my t-shirt. That's nice, man. So that's like level six, right? Acid is changing.

For you? No, no, no, no, no. You're going way back. Oh, yeah. Also, when you're a guerrilla and you shit, you have to throw it. Oh, yeah. It's a law. Because you're a guerrilla., you have to throw it. Oh, yeah. It's a law. Because you're a gorilla.

And then you eat a banana. Gorilla warrior. Are you being punny? That was a punny joke. I like it. That was a nice pun. Thanks. It was nice.

I noticed when I was forced to explain it. Yeah. Everyone loved that. That's the sign of a good joke. I like that. I don't know the feeling. Situation helps. Sometimes, if you could just hand me a pamphlet when we hang out, I could just read it.

Nicely written joke on paper. That's about right. Oh, if you could just hand me a pamphlet when we hang out, I could just read it. That's about right. Oh, I got one pun. Just throw it out there, Jordan. Okay. Do incarcerated cats have conniptions? That's a stretch. I don't even get it.

What? Conniptions. Do cats have conniptions? Because I get the con. No, jailed cats. Oh, conniptions. Well, you could say that about anything. Do cats have conniptions? Because I get the con. No, jailed cats. Oh, conniptions. Well, you could say that about anything. Do, uh...

Failed gorillas? Does a convict have a conniption? Yeah. I mean, that would actually work better if it was just the convict. No, no, no. It would be catniption. It's a catniption. You're right.

You know what? You're off the drugs. No more drugs. The con works. The con works. No. But it's still a... No, no. It doesn't. Catnip shit. You're right. You know what you're doing? You're off the drugs. No more drugs. The con works. The con works. No. But it's still a... No, no.

It doesn't. Catnip shit. If a kid who commits a crime is a catvict, then when it goes to prison it has a catnip shit. That's much better than what I wrote on Twitter

and thought about two seconds but I gave you guys the premise so whatever. Fuck you guys. How did he get arrested? Was he a cat burglar? You know what? Let's end the whole show.

Can we end the show? Hey, I threw on, I jumped on that grenade for you, man. Thank you. Like that Pakistani boy jumping on the suicide line. Now they'll remember it as the episode Nick ruined.

That was a stretch. Someone favorited that. If a cat can't die, an idiot. That's hilarious. That's fucking dumb as fuck. By the way, at Twitter, at Ben Kissel, at... What is it?

Jack the Worm? Jack the Worm. I'm at Ben Kissel. Yeah. And then that's at Marcus Parks. Nick, what's your Twitter? At Nick's Turners. At Nick's Turners.

And what's yours, Jordan? At Jordy Ploy. And I'm at... Give me that bush. Give me that bush. Give me that bush. We need more followers. We've got to step up our Twitter game.

So please follow us. Good God almighty. GimmeThatBush. GimmeThatBush. It's not taken. You can do it. Hold it. You have to sign up for GimmeThatBush.

You've got to do it. GimmeThatBush. Oh, at KalahiriMcNeelyMan. That's good. All right, Marcus. Do you want to do another story? Let's go to one more story before we get out of here. Space aliens are apparently quite a passionate topic for at least one New Mexico woman.

A domestic dispute that resulted from an argument about the existence of space aliens ended when Jennifer McCarthy of Santa Fe allegedly pulled a handgun from her genital area and pointed it at her boyfriend. allegedly pulled a handgun from her genital area and pointed it at her boyfriend. McCarthy was arrested on charge of aggravated assault on a household member after she allegedly stopped performing a sex act with a silver Smith & Wesson and pointed it at her boyfriend's head. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hold on. They were having sex? They were having sex. She had a gun in her pussy when they were having sex? She was performing a sex act. So it's possible that... She was blowing a dude with a gun in her pussy? It's possible. That's hot. How is it possible that... She was blown to do with a gun in her pussy? It's possible.

That's hot. How is it possible? That's awesome, right? Isn't it awesome? It's possible. Well, it may tell you something that this woman was the writer Cormac McCarthy's ex-wife. Uh-huh. We heard this story.

Cormac McCarthy being the writer of No Country for Old Men, The Road, All the Pretty Horses, Blood Meridian, and... Wonderful. And the woman... Yeah, the woman with the gun in her pussy. Or gun pussy, as they call it. Actually, the road was written immediately after having sex with her.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because he was walking down the road, aka running down the road. It was like, this is apocalyptic shit. So, this is 22 Libyans. So, she's a fairly successful, supposedly intelligent person, right? She? Right? I mean, you would think so.

I mean, writers marry crazy women. That's true. Yeah, that is true. But, I mean, she's probably gone to a premiere. I mean, she's probably met one of the Reiners. Man, I would have to sanitize the fuck out of a gun before I shoved it in my pussy. Yeah. I mean, how big was...

No wonder Ja Rule weren't gay. That's right. There's guns in there. You were right. He's back, everybody. Kissel's back. Damn, you're crushing it, Ed. What am I taking the blame? Kissel said it. Okay, they divorced in 2006,

so she definitely went to at least the premiere of All the Pretty Horses. That's right. Now, you know, what is it? How many years is it? Talent? What is it? How many years is that? Seven years later?

Eight years later? She's putting guns up in her pussy? Yeah, somewhere around that. Eight years later. That's insanity. Yeah. And having arguments with a man about extraterrestrials, she actually said she reportedly asked him, referencing the earlier argument about aliens, who's crazy?

You or me? Was she pro or against? It's her. I choose her. You're going to choose her? Sure. Was she pro-alien or against alien? It doesn't say.

She must be pro. But before the gun came into play in a threatening way, McCarthy had emerged from the couple's bedroom wearing lingerie with a firearm in her genital area. And then she was going to take that. So she left the room, put on the lingerie, shoved the gun up her pussy, and then came back in and started blowing the gun.

And you would assume it was loaded. You'd assume so. I don't think I'm going to argue with Henry anymore. Henry Zebrowski from the last podcast. Why? Because I think he might have a gun in his ass that I'm not aware of. I'm terrified.

No, his ass isn't that wide. It's not that wide? Yeah, he's got a small ass. I'm not aware of. I'm terrified. No, his ass isn't that wide. It's not that wide? Yeah, he's got a small ass. I've felt it before. Yeah? What do you think Henry could fit in there? A tennis ball. Well, that's enough. Yeah, definitely a tennis ball. Probably not a gun. And Jake, why are you currently playing with a Swiss Army knife?

That's my Swiss Army knife. I found it on the table. Can you fit that in his ass? Oh yeah Especially if we just Fucking shove it Alright Right up his face

I'm cutting everybody Alright Jackie Waving a knife around Waving the goddamn knife around Marcus when are we Going to get cameras in here? Eventually We have to do it

Because people need to see This terrifying thing I fucking wasn't doing anything I wish there was more video proof It's time for a segment from Holden McNeely. Oh, Winter Olympics are coming up now. Yeah, Winter Olympics now. So, Marcus.

Oh, wait. Can your uncle tell us about this? No, Nick, you can't tell him what to do. Holden, can your uncle tell us about this? Yeah, I cannot. Can you get in there? You want to go to Russia? Yeah.

And then Marcus has a billion dollars. and they want Marcus to come in there and have a new sports. We got to come up with one with hair. I have many business dealings in Russia, so I've got the ear of Vladimir Putin. Yeah. Good, good. Come in a dark room, Marcus. Come in here in the dark room with me, Marcus.

No, he's going to give you perks. I'm there. He's not going to give me any perks. I spent a lot of time in Russia. I spent a lot of time in dark rooms. I'm no stranger. My winter sport, I'm not making it up

at the exact moment that I'm talking right now. The words that I'm about to say are not made up. Even though you came up with a segment yourself? Myself earlier. This is all totally planned. People know the fix is always in with these, right? Because the whole thing comes up with an idea and then just makes the segment about the idea.

No, no, no, but this time I have nothing. So I'm going to go ahead and say cross-country skiing, right? In the middle of it, they always have to shoot the gun at the target. No, no, that is what exists. We're going to go opposite. The whole time they'll hit points in the thing where we've got dudes set up in little

camps with guns, and they've got to dodge the gunfire. It's like a survival game, right? What kind of guns do they have? Very important detail. They have bazookas. That's not a gun. Okay. That's an RPG.

They have BOGO rifles. You know you can't dodge guns, right? No, they either hit you or you. It has nothing to do with how fast you're moving. I'm sorry. They're moving fast. But at the end of it,

they're going quickly on the skis. At the end of it, there's a whole thing where you have to jump off a little thing and land on a horse, right? Takes you downhill and it's like a ski jump, but on a horse. You gotta jump the horse off of a big ramp, do a couple flips or

whatever you gotta do on that fucking horse, right? Land in a skating arena and then it's a gladiator battle to the death with all of the skiers. It just sounds like a war that used to happen every goddamn day when we were fighting the Indians. It kind of sounds like a World War I battle. Yeah.

Final person to live at the end wins. All right. So I'm going to name it Sharpshoot Cross Country Horse Ramp. Oh, that's nice. So I like it. I like it a lot. Yeah. I'm a fan.

I'm a fan. Yeah. I mean, we're going to have to figure out what kind of guns they actually use here. I'm thinking a shotgun would be really good because you're not going to actually kill them. Right. They'd be able to get back up again. Or pepper them.

Yeah. It's going to pepper them, so it's not going to kill them. And the point is survival. If you get some sort of like, yeah, if you get like an assault rifle in there, they're just going to pick them off. Right. Right. Right.

Shotgun, like a good 12 gauge, I'm in. Right. It's not about who gets to the skating arena first. It's about who gets out of the skating arena. You know what I'm saying? I like it. It's not a race. You can survive a shotgun blast and still win. We got it. I love it.

Hey, we got it. You got it, Ben? I got it. You got it. I got it. You got it. What you got, Jordan? I'm thinking bobsledding in the hood. Okay. Like Russia. Like a Jamaican bobsled team?

Nah, nah, man. That's racist. That wasn't even a real thing. John Candy said it was real. It was real. Everything's racist. Look at that door over there being all white. Look at that.

Look at your pants. I don't know. His pants are black. Yeah, they are. Of course, a white man is wearing black pants. He always uses black pants. He's trying to confuse us.

Why aren't you wearing a white shirt? Hold it. Or a hat because it's on top of your head. Yeah, Bob's sledding in the hood like the most hood part of Soviet Russia, whatever.

Most of it. Wild gay, did we add this? Huh? Bobsled while gay. The worst parts of Russia. Oh, you have to turn gay while on the bobsled. You have to suck a guy off and then be on the phone with your parents at the same time. Like, I'm coming out.

I'm coming out. I'm coming out. I'm coming out. I'm coming out. You're breaking up. You're breaking up. I'm blowing a guy right now. This is legit. No, we're not breaking up.

We're getting together. We're staying together. Then we're going to move to New York because Russia doesn't like this right now. We're on camera. Nations are watching this and they're not even they're not down with the gay people anymore it's a game of survival this is a game of staying alive just making it to the end so the game has to be yeah the game the actual point of the game is to get back to new york city alive right gay it's like gay of thrones because like i would watch that. It's like yeah the game Gay of Thrones is like you're trying to get back

to New York and you're like dodging a whole bunch of people in those like muskrat hats that like want to throw rocks at you and like they're calling you faggot and like telling you you're gonna be burned in a pile of sticks like we're gonna kill you

and like What is faggot in Russian? Yeah something like that. You're never going to make it. You're going to be burned in a pile of sticks. Like, we're going to kill you. What is faggot in Russian? Faggot. Yeah, something like that. It's like... So it's just you got to make it back to New York. Actually, you got to persevere.

It's like... It's going down like... It's like on a mountain a mountain of like condoms okay and like all and it's it's like not um it's not very diverse so it's just a whole bunch of trojans not magnums and you're just like going down and like you know people like trying to get at you on both sides but you have supporters too you have like parents on the side, like, not yours, but, like, people that support gay marriage. Yeah.

Well, we're going to call this Gayhood Ruski Escape Bobsled. Okay, that's good. That's amazing. And I like it. I like it. Ben, what do you got? All right, what you got, Ben?

You know, it's always difficult for me. You know, and I realize it's difficult for me because I listen too much. That's what I do. Oh, you're too good. I'm like, I have some ideas here, but I'm always listening to people. You're too good of a listener.

I'm too good of a listener. His ex-girlfriends all of them said, you know, you listen too much. They're like, the reason I broke up with him. Ben does slay tons of puss. It doesn't matter. Literally, he has murdered 17 women. You're messing with my game here. Alright, so what do you got, Ben? Quickly.

Fight right now. Immediately. Paraplegic Olympics. They are all handicapped children. They're large children. Their heads are too big for their bodies. No! You're describing the Special Olympics. No, but the thing is they are forced not to look like they are. So they've just got to go through all

the Olympic basketball team but they don't get the wheelchairs and they crawl around. They dribble the ball look like they are. So they've just got to go through all the, like the Olympic basketball team, but they don't get the wheelchairs and they crawl around, they dribble the ball and things like that. All the rules apply. That's kind of fun to look at. And let's see here. Then maybe they are upset with their, they're upset because they don't have any legs. Yes, and Ben. So they don't.

Yes, sir. Come back to me. Come back to me. Come back to me. Jackie, go. No, you said your answer. We're going to call this one cruelty. No, is that cruel? No, is that cruel?

No, because some of the kids are going to realize that they're not actually paraplegics. I like that. Which cruelty, which actually that's a pretty good Olympic sport. Thank you.

I could give out some medals for that. All right, very good. Very good. Jackie, what do you pretty good Olympic sport. Thank you. I could give out some medals for that. All right. Very good. Jackie, what do you got? Not bad. So I feel like the biggest problem with having the Winter Olympics in Russia is that there's a large, there's many villages in Russia that aren't going to be, they're not going to get any money from this.

They're not going to be able to even watch it or know anything else. So I'm saying we bring the Olympics to these villages. So we take, you round up all the vagrants, all the whores, and all the boars. From small villages. Boars as in animals or boars as in personality types? Boars as in animals. Okay. And from the surrounding villages, you cut off the village, right?

Everything's going to be televised. So they'll bring money to the village. It sounds familiar, like a hunger? No, no, no, no, no, no. Because you give them vodka. There's no... Oh, it's actually pronounced woodka. Woodka.

You give them some woodka. Woodka. And if they can convince the villagers to let them into there... That's what I get when I get horny for my girl. Woodka. You know, he goes and buys her a bunch of vodka, so she fucks it. So she fucks it. Oh, you want to get with this?

Where's my nine gallons of vodka? That's my Olympic sport. Can I do that when it's done? Nine gallons of vodka? Nine gallons of vodka to fuck Holden. Cruelty for you. I give up. It's Russian Hunger Games.

They all fucking do that. All right, so that's yours. Nick, what's your thing? I like the way you asked that. No, it's good. Nick, what's your thing? I like the way you asked that. No, it's good. Nick, do it. No, Nick. What do you got, Nick?

Nick, you got anything for us? Uh-oh, he's fuming. He's getting real Ed Larson over here. He's bubbling. He's bubbling. He's changing. Oh, he farted. And then he farted.

And then he farted. But for like, you know, medals. No, here's the thing. This is what I was thinking. Like the Winter Olympics. I think they, we're talking about ratings, right? Yeah. Ultimately, it's all about ratings.

Big numbers. I say we take some popular summer Olympic sports and then play them outside in Russia. Like a beach volleyball. Maybe any of your water sports. Sure. Polo in the freezing cold. Yeah. Maybe like freezing cold water synchronized swimming. I like that.

Just basketball in the snow, volleyball in the snow. True. Snow volleyball, like beach volleyball. What's the fucking difference? Except the nipples are so much harder. Perky nips. What? But that's one idea.

But then I also had the idea. So you have two ideas? And neither one of them are actual sports. Can I take the first? I'm going to take his first idea because he's got two ideas. So my idea is Winter Olympics, but it's Summer Olympics. So you're going to take Summer Olympic Russia Ice Death. Yes.

All right. Thank you. So now this going to take Summer Olympic Russia Ice Death. Yes. All right. Thank you. So now this is your idea, Nick. No. I can't even remember the second idea. So you don't have anything. No, no, no. This is the idea that I had the whole time until I just thought of that one idea.

Wait. Go, Jackie. No, Jackie's already done. We really got to wrap up the show here. No, no. Go, Ben. No, because I had a good one. Ooh, it might be NA.

This might be our first NA. I don't think you know anything about sports. I think that's the main problem here. I already gave you one. No, no, no. Go back. No, because I had a good one. Ooh, it might be NA. This might be our first NA. I don't think I know anything about sports. I think that's the main problem. I already gave you one. No, but it's mine, so you don't have anything. All right. Well, Nick doesn't have one. Marcus, who is it?

It's over. It's fucking over, Nick. Yeah, it's all done. Marcus, who is it? This will be you. It's over. You know who wins? Oh, no, I have it.

Oh, God. Okay. It's, well, I'm probably not going to like it better, but I want to have... This is what I want. I want two Olympics. I want for every sport, Olympic sport, I want them to have a drug version and a non-drug version. Okay. Where they get super fucking strict about drugs.

Like, oh, well, what you saw was actually a result of this. Well, then you just don't fucking out. Don't fucking do the other thing that makes it look like you were doing drugs. Fuck you. You're out of this shit. Super strict. And then one that's just like, go absolutely ham. Take all the drugs you want.

Get as insane as you want. And then we'll have an Olympics for y'all. It'll be way more exciting. It'll be the difference between men's and women's basketball. I really love that, but I like my idea better. I really do. I like my idea a little bit better. Well, I hope you win, Ben. Thank you.

As much as I like the Drug Olympics, I still think that we have to go for Sharpshoot CrossFit. What about Summer Olympics and the Winter Olympics? Oh, come on. It was a clear idea throughout. Yeah, it's been so long. I want to thank Gramami.

There is no thank you. This is going to cause me to eat the other half of my burrito. All right, Jackie Dabrowski, thanks for being here, Nick. Horny Girl, 6969420. Nick, is there anything that you have coming up?

Horny Girl. Any show you want to plug? People like the plugs. Do the plug thing if you have a show coming up. Are you a horny girl? When's this coming out? Tomorrow. Horny girl. Any show you want to plug? People like the plugs. Do the plug thing if you have a show coming up. Are you a horny girl? When's this coming out? Tomorrow.

Oh, okay. Well, I'll be in L.A. next week. Yay. All right. We'll look for Nick in L.A. next week. See him on Best Week Ever. He's got a funny face. Yeah, see me on Best Week Ever.

VH1. Watch my pilot in a year or never. That's great. Holden, of course. Yeah, I got things to plug. VCRs. You're done? I am.

I'm going to Minnesota this weekend. Okay, does it matter, Jordan? Oh, I'm doing these mics crying on the subway. Okay, that's good. While I'm eating Subway. Yeah. I have a show on Thursday at Union Hall with Sypha Sounds. I got some more things to plug real quick.

Oh, at the end of the month, I'm going to be in San Diego at the... What did I ask? Jackie, anything? Plug a fucking dick in my pool. Follow me on Twitter. I got a bed, Kessel, and only me. I'm actually 8th through the 10th, I'm going to be at Stand Up Scottsdale. You know what?

It's done. It's May. The episode's done. Oh, I'm actually... Oh, wait. You're plugging something in May? Oh, yeah. Everybody's going to want to be here. You're going to in me Alright goodbye everybody

Thanks for listening I think I'm going to be at Freddy's bar Freddy's bar Very good Well that's not fun