The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 18: Number One Fan

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

This week Kevin stopped being human, Jackie became a worm or an insect depending on your point of view, a skydiver was convicted of murder and our theme of fiery Latina women continues as our biggest fan, Isadora, in cahoots with Ben, tells us what she really thinks about our man Holden. Shit gets personal.

Alright, let's get started. Are we ready? Alright. Marcus is on prayer, right? Yeah, yeah, I suppose I am. Speak to the Lord. Dear dark lords of the underworld. Oh, yeah.

Please bless us with all of your blood and guts and spider rings. Skalaw! And bat rings. Yeah! Bat rings, of course. And bring upon us the power to defeat our enemies and to hear the screams and lamentations of our enemies. Oh, wow. They're screams.

Cool. Amen. Amen. Amen. Amen. Beelzebub. All right. Welcome.

Good about that. Absolutely. Yeah, that was really great. I guess the message there was G's up, hoes down. Yeah. It always is the message. I got goosebumps. Yeah.

Welcome to the Roundtable of Gentlemen, recording not, well, we are live, and you are hearing this. Thank you. Sort of delayed. It's the Roundtable of Gentlemen from the Creek in the Cave. With us, as always, we've got to my left a lady Jackie Zabrowski sexy lady Ed Larson sexier lady that's right

that's true Holden McNeely and next week I do the prayer I'm just gonna say bless this mess we need to bless the mess cross stitch it onto a fucking pillow bless my abusive husband he doesn't know that he's abusive and I'm Kevin Barnett I'm both agree and support Holden McNeely as we are brothers onto a fucking pillow. Bless my abusive husband. He doesn't know that he's abusive.

And I'm Kevin Barnett. I both agree and support Hold Me Nearly as we are brothers. Right next to each other sharing this beautiful microphone. Really nice. Apartheid is officially over. And I'm Ben Kitzel

and we got a fella named Jared Warner in the jungle. Hey, Jared, how are you? Jared's from a sketch group called Murder Fist. Just ranked Village Voice's best sketch group in New York City

and to the left the owner and unbelievable comedy legend Rebecca Trent, Rebecca thank you so much for being in the Chuckle Hut I'll tell you, you've got the biggest smile I've ever seen and with us as always the beautiful newsman Marcus Parks

what do you got for us? Mel Gibson has been fired from The Hangover 2 for being an asshole. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. So they refuse to work with Mel Gibson? Refuse. Absolutely refuse. Why did they hire him in the first place? They already knew he was an asshole.

And in the first Hangover, Mike Tyson, a convicted rapist, was in the film. Mel Gibson, you know, he's racist when he's drunk. And he wasn't racist when he was drunk. I think when he's drunk, he's just like, I'm really funny when I'm drunk. That's why he transits like that. But it's just like, oh, you're really racist. But it is pretty funny. That's the thing is, you don't know the

intonations in which he was saying that racist shit anyway. I bet it was fucking hilarious. I'm sure it was. I bet he was on fire. Of course he was. I mean it was fucking hilarious. I'm sure it was. I bet he was on fire. That's true. Of course he was. I mean, Jew stuff, that kills after midnight. Drunk and Jew-hating, that's a big-time market. By the way, Jackie did a great job of avoiding any rape talk. Thank you, thank you.

I'm saving it. Rapist thrown out there. I'm saving it. With this hangover, too, apparently the director is the guy who wanted Gibson, and he just sent a memo out saying that he couldn't get all of his cast

and crew on board and putting some pieces together Galifianakis was just on a show and they were talking about his upcoming movie and they didn't mention

it by name but he was like I'm really having some difficult times with a certain cast member that they hired and I don't want to work with him

and all this stuff so the rumor is that Galifianakis is the reason that Galifianakis is the reason. Oh, definitely Galifianakis. Wait, he's Jewish? Galifianakis? No, he's Greek.

Who knows what he is? I mean, he's successful. Galifianakis! Then what is he so upset about? He's not upsetting his people, so why can't he just drive along? No, he's just being a jerk. No, exactly. Mike Tyson was a rapist. He's like, yes, I'd love to do this scene.

It's fun for people to hate Mel Gibson right now. He's what you call the white, he's the living incarnation of white guilt. So white people feel better about themselves if they say they hate Mel Gibson. I love Mel Gibson. He took the bullet for Dog the Bounty Hunter. He did. He took the bullet for that guy. Not that Dog the Bounty Hunter is really the best, you know, disciple.

You would be married to him. Well, of course I would. You would be married to him. Oh, man, I would take him out back and I'd take his rifle and just like. You would be married to him. Well, of course I would. Married. And I would take him out back and I'd take his rifle and just like... Where would you put it? The world needs to know. They can't even use real rifles on that.

They just have paintball guns. Have you seen that show? They don't have real guns. Hot potato potato. You know what I mean? Rebecca, what do you think about Mel Gibson and this recent not being allowed into The Hangover 2 as a comedy girl? I mean, I think it would be absolutely hilarious to see him in the movie. What do you think about Mel Gibson and this recent not being allowed into The Hangover 2 as a comedy girl?

I mean, I think it would be absolutely hilarious to see him in a movie. What do you think? Is it a tragedy that he's not going to be in it? No, not at all. So you don't like him? I mean, whether I like him or not is irrelevant. If he doesn't know how to play well with others, then he shouldn't be an artist. That is true.

That's very true. Well, I guess so. If you want to work on a film, if you want to work on a film with other people and you're acting like an asshole all the time to the point where a professional actor who's got gobs of money says, this is so bad, I'm living the dream, this is so bad, I don't want to work on this project because this guy sucks,

then yeah, he should go. He's ruining it. Yeah, but he didn't get in trouble on set or anything. He wasn't like Tom Arnold doing Pete Quayle. Do we know that, though? I mean, you don't know. I suppose not. There you go, and that's Rebecca replacing Ben on the next round table of jokes.

You have better arguments. You better spell well-spoken. Yeah, she's much better spelling. Alright, well, have fun learning the intro. Good luck, Rebecca. Not as easy as it sounds. Sounds really fucking hard, actually. Well, when I do it, Rebecca. Not as easy as it sounds. That sounds really fucking hard, actually. Yeah, well, when I do it, yeah.

You all know the role that he was supposed to play? A tattoo artist in Bangkok. Perfect. That's amazing. Who took that role, then? Yeah, so there's a free role. They gave it to Liam Neeson, then, because I just don't know. They gave it to Liam Neeson? They gave it to Liam Neeson.

He was watching the first one in a hotel. He was filming some other thing. Liam Neeson's going to just don't know did they give it to Liam Neeson they gave it to Liam Neeson he was watching the first one in a hotel he was filming some other thing Liam Neeson's gonna crush it that's the thing Liam Neeson

could crush any role after taking what he took what a turn of a movie that he just made into the coolest thing I've ever seen he made it so

fucking good man he's so badass I feel like he can do anything he's gonna be Lincoln yeah he's gonna be Lincoln in the new Spielberg's movie he's going to be Lincoln. He's going to be Lincoln in the new Spielberg movie.

He's going to be so good. I love it. Shit's taken. I guess maybe it wasn't. Shit's taken. I don't know. I don't know if that is the movie. That's not the movie. I'm't know if that is the movie. No, it's not. It's definitely not the movie.

I'm pretty sure it's not the movie. We've got to do something else. Speaking of presidents and people who are in Forrest Gump, the Secret Service almost killed LBJ the night after the JFK assassination. Really? How? Why? There was a Secret Service agent that was guarding the Johnson house.

A lot of dicks in that house. A lot of dicks. He was understandably nervous. He heard it was the middle of the night. He heard footsteps. Was it a big house? Would it be Big Johnson's house? That's all you know. All right, come on.

This is a good story. You're interrupting me. I know, but it's about the t-shirts. One of the tricks. Okay. So he heard footsteps in the night. He was very nervous, picked up his submachine gun, rounded the corner, pointed it right at the person,

almost shot LBJ in the chest. Oh, my God. Bullets would have just bounced off. Badass. Badass fucking dude. This just coming out now? Who's saying this? The secret agent guy?

I mean, obviously it's not LBJ. Yeah, it's an account of the assassination by members of the president's security detail. It's called the Kennedy detail. It's a new book out. Wow. Oh, man. That's awesome. Little detail about Kennedy.

Dimple on his left tush. Oh, really? Left tush cheek. Dimple? Little dimple. Yeah, that's a tidbit. Really? Where was the dimple on the, I don't understand, butt hole? Near the hole. Yeah. Yeah, that's a tidbit. Really? Where was the dimple on the... I don't understand.

Near the hole. Yeah. Near the butt hole. How do you have a dimple on your ass? I mean, it's worked out a lot. Yeah, but like... I don't know. What does that mean?

But if it's close to your asshole, is it just part of your asshole? Do you have dimples on your ass, Barnett? If anyone in this room has dimples on their ass... Well, yeah, you do flips and stuff. You do athletic activities. I always got a broad ass. My ass is fine.

It's straight. I feel like dimples really just roids. It's just roids, inverted roids. So you're saying that, who's the guy with the dimples on his ass? I think Kennedy might have had a dimple on his ass. That's what I heard. You're saying Kennedy did roids?

That's how he got Marilyn. Absolutely. You know, this book also says that rumors of the affair between Marilyn Monroe and JFK, they say they're not true. I call bullshit on that. Yeah, that's a bunch of bullshit. Man, I think he fucked anything that he could. And if he could fuck that sweet piece of ass, then he might as well fuck it.

Right? Oh, my God. Oh, my Lord. Yeah. Absolutely. Meow. You know, she was a size 16. sweet piece of ass, then he might as well fuck it, right? Oh my lord, yeah. Meow. You know, she was a size 16. That's not regular sizes. That is not regular.

Some woman, when I was a size 16, I'm not anymore, gentlemen, don't worry about it. Why is that? I don't know. That was good, right? Upper or downer from 16? Downer. Oh, you're down?

Yeah, of course I'm down. I have no idea what 16 is. I guess that's the thing is that most men don't understand female sizes. I understand female sizes. I have no idea. I have to recheck my own numbers. I never even know what I am. I have to look at my pants at the store.

32, 45, 98. Rebecca, you sort of have a Maryland-type body. You I have to look at my pants at the store. 32-45-98. Rebecca, you sort of have a Maryland-type body. You could have gotten with the JFK. What do you think? That would have been awesome. It would have been good. He's president. He'd be a really attractive president, too. Speaking of girls, Holden,

you got some girl troubles recently on Facebook. I don't even know. Big girl troubles here. Isadora is back. I don't even know. Oh, yeah. Big girl troubles here. Isadora is back. I gave it in color because this is our number one fan,

Isadora. I'm speechless. It's in color. I haven't heard the email yet and I'm terrified. Well, there's not much I'm trying to apologize. Jesus, man.

Wow. Apparently, you really left this gal out to dry and it wasn't even your racist comments. I've been a shell of a away because I've been a shell of a man. Marcus wants to read you some comments. Yeah, Marcus, why don't you read some highlights of this scathing review? Wow.

Well, would you like me to start with the first message? Well, yeah, let's start with the opening line. By the way, I want to throw out there that it's fucked up that you're in cahoots with this chick now. I'm not in cahoots. You're not in cahoots. Isadora, I love you. We are working together. Yeah, what is that? Oh, is that what cahoots with this chick now. I'm not in cahoots. Isadora, I love you. We are working together. Yeah, what is that?

Oh, is that what cahoots mean? Oh, no, I'm totally in cahoots. I am totally in cahoots. What did you think cahoots meant? I thought it was like, I'm living in your boob. And that's like how I live in a house. You can't live in a woman's boob.

I'm in cahoots. I'm living in a pair of cahoots. I'm going to start. But the opening line, I actually just want to read the opening line. Ben, boy, you know you're my favorite. Oh!

I feel like I do maybe want some payback. Continue on. I thought about writing this to Marcus. Ooh, that's you. Because he's got no stake in this. He's basically Switzerland. That's right. So that means he has a lot of stake in this, Holden.

There is something going... Yeah, you're the Nazis. Why? I'm America. He's Switzerland. I apologize. You're the fucking Nazis and Jackie's China. Oh no, can I be Stalin? You can be Stalin. I'm too much of a Nazi. Apparently she thinks that I would give up the Nazi

gold. That's right. That's what she thinks. And then she finishes it with a nice like, I love Gianna too, we That's what she thinks. And then she finishes it with a nice, like, I love Gianna too. We're talking about porno. And then she's like, if you want to hear some dirt. So I'm like, yeah, I want to hear the dirt. Give me the news. Why? Gianna is amazing.

And then it's, give me the fucking news. What's the dirt? Well, the dirt is that you left her high and dry once you got on this OK Cupid. That you left her high and dry once you got on this ok cupid and she is very upset because you guys were supposed to have a webcam sexual Situation I remember this I didn't do Jerk off in front of a girl masturbating. That's it Find a way to record this.

She is going to record it and look at it over and over again and masturbate. And see now, as soon as I have said it, which I just did by not doing anything. How does a man do not do nothing and then you get done like this? Because you're stupid, man. Like, you're stupid. You need this, like, romantic fucking princess life. Just jack it to her. Just jack it. Just jack it, man.

Just jack it on the webcam. Everyone gets off. It's not like you didn't jack it to her. Just jack it. Just jack it, man. Just jack it on the webcam. Everyone gets off. It's not like you didn't jack it anyway. I just have an odd way of masturbating myself. I bet that's completely true. Yeah, we leave it at that. We just need to go into it. There are props involved.

Okay, well that's why. It's Adora. You didn't want to frighten me with this disgusting No, I just had all those rubber gloves. There is one rubber glove. And a dying fish somehow is involved. That's the smell. But no, long story short, this chick is going to murder you. Why are you letting this fucking go down, man?

I'm not letting it go down. It's just going down. If I had to hold in detail, they're going to talk about how your ass was behind this whole assassination. Was he not supposed to tell you about this? He's being a friend. That's right. If I would have kept it on the line. He's in cahoots though, man. You know he's in cahoots. He's got cahoots all over him.

Can I make a statement to Isadora? Our number one fan. This has really turned out terrible. Thank you so much. You've been a peach, Ben. Isadora. I am a lonely shelve man. All right, no.

Let me... Everyone leave. That doesn't work. Everyone leave. There's a compliment in there as well. What? What is the compliment? She says,

you should know I've gotten plenty if I'm seeing someone else. She's gotten that before. Surprise has gotten me... I kept this phrase. Even she fucked some of them. She kept on fucking some of those people. But I'm not going to stand getting the cold shoulder from some dude

that's you, Holden, I had a couple of funny chats with. Oh, you're funny. Yeah, that's a nice thing. Alright, well, you must have been insanely funny. Even though that wasn't a compliment, I'm going to take it as one. It was. Nonetheless.

I'm going to apologize again. one. It was. Nonetheless. So I'm going to apologize again. Fuck that, man. No apologies. Yeah, what are you apologizing for? She's kind of crazy. Okay. I love you. Jesus Christ.

God. Thank you so much. Look. I, at this point, right, it's been two months since I've even kissed a girl. All right? And I don't give a fuck because, you know, I'm not even a human being anymore. I have ascended. I've made it.

And I'd like to quote Samuel Johnson right now. I'd like to quote my man Samuel Johnson. This is back from the 1700s. This dude was way ahead of his time. He who makes a beast out of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man. That's me. That's where I'm at. That's beautiful.

Wow, Barnett. You're a beast of burden. I just wish there was a machine that could make me be you. Man, if you were Barnett, you would get laid all the time. Look, in order to be me, you just need to quit being a bitch and stop doing this shit. Jack off. Jack off to girls. Rebecca, have you ever pleasured yourself to a webcam?

Perhaps I was on the other end. Maybe we did a little something. The answer is yes to everything before the word perhaps. You did it? Yeah, I've done it before. Sure. Oh, my God. What's it like?

It's fun. Yeah? And you just get fully nude? Yeah. Oh, my goodness. Well, I guess that's your own choice. I mean, you don't have to get fully nude if you don't want to. Yeah, but you should.

You should. Yeah, you should. You're going to commit. You definitely should. Do you have to, like, fix the lighting's your own choice. I mean, you don't have to get fully nude if you don't want to. Yeah, but you should. You should. Yeah, you should. You're going to commit. You definitely should. Do you have to, like, fix the lighting and stuff? Sometimes. Because women's vaginas can look really prawnish sometimes, too. You know, it's like...

I mean, it's not close-up. It's not close-up. A woman's vagina sometimes can look really weird in bad lighting. But I also, like, yeah, I'll eat the fuck out of a bucket of prawns. Hey, buddy, you better watch out. You better watch out. Eddie, have you heard this new story?

What happened? You can get throat cancer from eating rancid puss. Yeah. Really? Oh, yeah. There's a ton of young

men going down on women and getting HPV in the throat, getting throat cancer. Younger and younger and younger. No, man, it's why you get those shots. Are you saying that eating pussy is a new fad? on women and getting HPV in the throat, getting throat cancer. Younger and younger and younger. Are you saying that eating pussy is a new fad?

No. HPV has just spread so far and wide. So let's just stop HPV. Yeah, you can't have the shots. I got the shots. Don't worry. You're getting me out any time. I don't want to... Oh, I just saw Jack

in a Polish bar in 20 years. I got no shots back in Nam. Don't you worry about it. How about some cigarettes, kid? That's it. You get them 13 and under. So what's HPV in the throat?

So it just gives you throat cancer? Yeah, yeah, you get those... What does HPV actually stand for? Human papillomavirus. Sounds disgusting. Again, another reason why we need to have her back on the show. She knows these facts. Yeah, man, she knows everything, guys.

Did you know what that stood for, Kevin? Yeah. Oh, well, why didn't you fucking answer? I said it, man. He did. We said it at the same time. What do you think? Do you think you're a risk? Do you think you're a risk for throat stood for, Kevin? Yeah. Oh, well, why don't you fucking answer? I said it, man. He did. We said it at the same time. Oh, I know. What do you think? Do you think you're a risk?

Do you think you're a risk for throat HPV, Kev? Again, I don't deal with bitches. I'm on Battle.net, which, by the way, I've risen again. I jumped 70 ranks in one night. 70 ranks again. Wow. I say I have made a beast out of myself. Hey, Kevin, do you still masturbate?

No, man. You don't even masturbate? No. No. No. No, Kev. What happened? All right, look.

Just out of circumstance, I felt like I should just out of, like, you know, principle. Yeah. I did, like, a couple days ago. Did you look at porn? Did you do it in the shower with your imagination thinking of Starcraft? Well, I wasn't thinking of Starcraft, but I just finished playing a match. I was fucking destroyed. You're like, I earned this?

Wow. Man, how are you? I just, oh God, I just don't get it. I just don't like, I guess, man. I guess you're just like sober as a cat, pure as apple pie, but like you look so good all the time. That's probably why.

I love it though. You said soccer levels were so high. It's like after you go to war, then you take the women, then you rape the women right after the war because you're so happy high. It's like after you go to war, then you take the women, then you rape the women right after the war because you're so happy of your conquest. And after that StarCraft, you just had to fucking come. That's incredible. Good job.

Yeah, but at least hit a woman over the head and, like, drag her back to your house. What are you saying? He can't do that. God damn it, Jackie. What's wrong with you? Jackie, you've got to start seeing different dudes, right? My little angel has become... You've become a start seeing different dudes. My little angel has become

a disgusting human being. You've turned into a worm. I'm a worm woman, all right? Rebecca says... Hold on, Jerry. You do it really well? Is there ever a moment where you're the man

and you get a small chop? Absolutely. If I'm playing any kind of Star Wars game, just you play like if I'm playing any kind of Star Wars game just like lighten up the lightsaber on any kind of Star Wars game just I immediately

gotta lay back and just you know it's a sexy time. It's bright lights. You bone up. Yeah. Absolutely. That's fantastic.

That's how bugs bone up. Bright lights. Yeah, exactly. You just fly right into it and then you're vaporized and you don't have to worry about like sex You really spread your semen on the ground and there's some eggs on the ground and then humans pop out of it.

Yeah, and then women come with their needle noses that all women have and they just nip at it. Like one of those ducks that scientists have that dip into the water. I wish I could lay an egg. Just to know what it's like. I wish you could too. All women wish that as well. Yeah. I don't want to have something living inside of me for nine months like an alien.

It won't live. Oh no. It's definitely a dog. It's definitely a dog. It's definitely a dog. No, everything is dead on the inside. It's going to be a suicide after month six. If this is what life is like, I can't live.

At least it's smart, though. I know it's smart, whatever's on the inside. Is it? No. I don't know. I'm not sure. Parks, what's going on? Deadly shit.

A follow-up from a story a few weeks ago. You guys remember the skydiving love triangle? Oh, yeah, yeah. Convicted, 30 years. That's it? She didn't get life? Well, it's Belgium. They're not really that strict on murder.

I think that's a lot of times. They're not strict on murder? That doesn't happen often. Yeah, they're not bloodthirsty people like us. A lot of murderers only get 20 years to life eligible after 15. 25, right? Yeah, something like that. bloodthirsty people like us. A lot of murderers only get like 20 years to life eligible after like 15. 25, right? Yeah, something like that. Really?

I feel like 30's a lot. I mean, they don't even necessarily know she did it, right? She did it. Fuck that. I mean, she did it, but she did it so creatively. I feel like you've got to knock off a few years just out of like her intelligence. Yeah, she just did it well. So you're saying 28?

28. I don't think that she should have gotten it at all. She took the time to, you know, kill somebody by cutting her skydiving. You're a horrible person to have. It's a great way to kill somebody, though. He was king of the world. You know, like how crazy it would be. It would be total madness.

I think it's fun. She's fun. You'd give people, like, money for creative kills and shit. Like, run a fucking video game. I'm just saying, in this day and age, she was smart enough to realize you can't just go shank anybody randomly anymore with the DNA. So she did it pretty much foolproof, and now they caught her in probably some sort of scam. It was a bullshit lie. So you think that all premeditated murder is eligible for reward rather than punishment?

If it's creative. This premeditated, it's fantastic. It's not like she dumped some kids in the trunk of her Toyota and drove it into the river. How is it fantastic, though? It was a threesome that all skydived. Obviously, you're going to go for the parachute. It's an exciting lifestyle. I mean, she could have just stabbed her up

in midair. That would have been pretty cool. That would have been great. Well, you know, you put in the work, you get the reward. I guess that's true. In Ben's world. She could have done it better, I guess. I got some corpse and some transportation story.

A woman, a California woman befriended a homeless woman allowed the woman to sleep in her car and then continued to drive the car for months after the homeless woman died. Wow. That's fucking weird. Yeah, it's weird. The homeless woman died in her, that's just naked. Maybe she just really wanted to get to the...

It's fucking weird. Yeah, it's weird. Yeah, the homeless woman died in her car and she just left her in there. And with the stink and everything,

where was this? This is in California. Los Angeles. Why'd she just drop the body somewhere? It's not like she's going to get caught for anything.

It's the middle of summer. Yeah, she said it occurred anywhere from three to ten months ago. The death. Oh, holy Christ. What a champion. Yeah, she said it occurred anywhere from three to ten months ago. The death. Oh, whoa.

Holy Christ. What a champion. Yeah, the woman was mummified. Maybe it was her only friend, though. Could have been. I'm sure she talked to her. When you have to drive with somebody else in the carpool. Yeah, she wanted to get in the carpool lane.

Yeah. She's got to have that little horse. That's insane. Oh, it's crazy. Good for her. The car must have smelled absolutely awful. It must have been terrible. Is there a reason?

Like, did she give a reason for why she just left the woman in there? No. No, nothing at all. No statement from her, just statement from the police saying, hey, this is real fucked up. Is it a crime? Wow. Of course it's got to be, right? I don't know.

What's the crime? She helped out a woman, gave her a home. Not reporting the death? Yeah. Is that a crime? Is this dead? I don't know. I don't know.

I mean, what would they possibly charge her with? Being, like, too unbelievably nice? No, they're going to charge her with being fucking crazy because she had a dead person on her car. That's not illegal. You can't be crazy. Yeah, but she's going to get help somewhere. Not in California. Yeah, you get locked up for that somewhere.

What did she do wrong? She's not a public menace. It's not like she killed the homeless person. The homeless person just happened to die in her car after having the best night's sleep of its life.

It is. It's not a person. Jesus Christ. The job makes the man and if you don't get a job you're not a man. I thought it was the shoes make the man.

Oh, whatever. Shoes too. She probably didn't have shoes. Whatever. It would probably be fingernails make the man. She had no fingerna Shoes, too. She probably didn't have shoes. Whatever. Probably be fingernails make the man. She had no fingernails. She was absolutely a disaster. Going back to politics and presidents. Oh, why not?

That's a subject we know so much about. Well, this has much to do with sex as anything. After the Monica Lewinsky scandal, Bill Clinton lost our new codes for months. Man, that must have been some blowjob.

It just fucked him up so bad. Is that how China got them? Probably. He probably threw them out the window when Monica was blowing them. He's like, I got the red button right here. She just kept on blowing them. He burned them or something.

He came on all of them. Or they were taken away. I think you lost them. They were written down on a piece of paper and he put them through the laundry. Is that what happened? Maybe. Maybe. It doesn't even say. It was the morning after the Lewinsky scandal broke. How hot would it be for a woman to be getting taken from behind

by a president while looking at the nuke codes for America? You're the most powerful person on the planet at that point. I'd be pretty turned on. It sounds to me like he threw the nuke codes for America. You're the most powerful person on the planet at that point. I'd be pretty turned on. It sounds to me like he threw the nuke codes away so he had a fallback plan for if he got caught having an affair with Lewinsky because that would immediately be worse than having an affair.

It was just like, oh, but there's no nuke codes. I don't know where they went. That would ruin his whole life, apparently. Can't they just make new nuke codes? Doesn't somebody make those? I guess, you know, but there's definitely a process to making new coats. You gotta get up earlier. Well, the thing is, it doesn't say that he ever found them.

No, we don't have them. Somebody had a homeless woman in that poor woman's car. Well, the thing is about the new codes, the codes are called the biscuit. Okay, that's delicious. And they control the, you know, the football? Yeah. Yeah, it controls the football. The biscuit and the football. That's what holds the most powerful weapon on the earth.

Two of Finn's favorite things. Yeah, biscuits and football. I love biscuits. Yeah, and the Clinton confessed to an Air Force colonel, and he said that he misplaced the codes, and he couldn't recall when he had last seen them. God!

I don't know where they are. He couldn't recall a lot of stuff back then. Yeah, he was... The late 90s were a rough time for that little pothead. Actually, I think he was having a great time, and that was the problem. He was hanging the fuck out, man. The old Newton, nothing ever to see.

He was just partying the whole time and that brings us to our new segment biscuit corner with Ben Kissel Kissel's biscuits so what kind of biscuits do you like

gravy gravy biscuits with peanut butter in the middle and jelly so once you finish all the gravy then you get to the biscuit

with the jelly part and then you get to the biscuit with the peanut butter it's so good this has been biscuit corner if you chop it up dump it in milk and then you get to the biscuit with the peanut butter. It's so good. This has been Biscuit Corner. If you chop it up, dump it in milk, and then you can eat it with a spoon, almost like the milk is spoiled, but the milk's not spoiled, but it gives it some effect.

Alright, can we stop? Well, we can go on, building on how fat Kissel is. One in four applicants are too fat to be in the army now. Bullshit, so we just got bigger soldiers. Fucking shields. Actually, they've lowered the standards. Bullshit. So we just got bigger soldiers. Fucking shields. Actually, they've lowered the standards quite a bit. I blame the movie Stripes. So what?

You train them and you get them thin, man. It's a soldier, a soldier. They want to fight. Let them fucking fight. Why is our army so fucking picky? Can't be gay. Can't be fat. Can't be fucking Taliban or Muslim. Fuck you, army. You tell me you don't want Albert Hainsworth defensive tackle for the fucking Washington Redskins on our side in the Army?

Absolutely. They're on mine duty. Whenever they're in Iraq, they're like, I think this field must be full of mines. Get the tub squad. And it's just the funniest group of nitwits eating biscuits, fully devouring gravy, just sipping on it. Oh, we got to go. We got to go. We got to go.

And then, you know, eight come back, three don't. And everything is fantastic. Man, I got this bouncer in my work. He's fucking 6'7", 330. You telling me you don't want him fighting for America? I want him fighting for America, and he can also stand a little. A sniper's gonna take him out like that. No, he's not. No, he's not.

You can't snipe the strongest. You can't snipe the biggest. Sniper's gonna look at it and be like, that's a fucking huge gorilla. We don't kill gorillas. We don't kill gorillas. We don't kill gorillas. I don't follow your logic. Well, I don't either. No, the bigger, the bigger.

We need the biggest fucking army on the face of the planet. And the gayest. Just a big Spartan, gay, faggy, fucking massive army. Butt fucking everybody. Wow, butt fucking everybody. That's the big army slogan. That's right. Oh my God, the stories of rape where they're just like,ucking everybody! That's the big, like, army slogan. That's right. Oh, my God, the stories of rape

where they're just, like, instead of shooting people in the head, they'll just, like, have stories of people breaking in, the Marines just, and they rape my whole family. That would be fantastic. What a message.

That actually reminds me, man, my friend Kyle, he was in the Air Force, and there was, like, there was some dude who was apparently roofing all these guys in the Air Force. What's roofing? And then raping them at night. Oh, roofing. He was gonna be roofing all these guys in the Air Force.

What's roofing? And then raping them at night. Oh, roofing. He was roofing these dudes and then raping them at night. And they caught him because he was recording and taking pictures and showing people. That's great. Look at all these dudes.

Yeah, this is in the Air Force. That's so, yeah, that's going on, man. My God. I have almost the exact same story from the Canadian Air Force. What's going on in the Air Force? I don't know. But this guy in the Canadian Air Force. Everyone always talks about the Navy.

Like the Navy's fault. Oh, it is the altitude. Think about the Denver Broncos. Everybody's dying. Oh, yeah. Altitude. And you know what? This story counts for pedophile corner.

Pedophile corner. Squirt, squirt, squirt. You want to see a baby bear? You want to see a little tiger? counts for pedophile corner. Pedophile corner. Squirt, squirt, squirt. Squirt, squirt, squirt. Squirt, squirt, squirt. Squirt, squirt, squirt. Squirt, squirt, squirt. Squirt, squirt, squirt. Squirt, squirt, squirt. Squirt, squirt, squirt. Squirt, squirt, squirt. Squirt, squirt, squirt.

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Squirt, squirt. Squirt, squirt. Squirt, squirt. Squirt, squirt. Squirt, squirt. including Queen Elizabeth, has pleaded guilty to a series of sex crimes that culminated in the murder of two women. He stole hundreds of pairs of underwears and dozens of break-ins and often photographed himself masturbating

while wearing lingerie in women's bedrooms with girls as young as eight years old. Holy Jesus. Wait, were the girls in the room when he did it? No, no, no, no. He broke in while they were gone. See, that's okay. That's not okay.

That's not okay at all. That's definitely not okay. They weren't there. They weren't there. Sometimes you just want Elmo panties around your hands. Jesus Christ! Get off of OKC Christ! Get off of OkCupid! Get off!

It's deactivated. Don't bring it up anymore. You'll become a fucking insect. This guy pleaded guilty to two murders, two sexual assaults, and 82 break-ins. Holy Jesus. He's not in jail forever. I'm sorry.

They searched his home and they uncovered a huge stash of stolen underwear along with thousands of photographs he had taken himself in bedrooms

that is just fun I just wish I had a passion for something like he did I can't find I can't be that thousands

you know I've got nothing that I want to have thousands there was a guy in my college named I think it was Adam and he got caught

with 890 pairs of panties and they found him in lunch boxes and stuff like that and he would come on girls on their sheets and on their pillows and stuff. Now he's a born again Christian. Of course. That makes a lot of sense. All the girls loved him. He's a little skater guy. I don't understand the whole panty

thing. That's what I'm trying to get away from the girl. Yeah, I hate it. Like the Victoria's Secret catalog we got at our house. It's fine and fantastic but it would be so much better if they weren't wearing Victoria's Secret.

They were just wearing nothing. Who is the Victoria's Secret catalog? I don't know. We keep getting it. I don't know. It just says to Jason Kephart. Oh, it. Maybe Cat Borders. Look who it's addressed to. It just says to Jason Catbart. Oh, it's Jason Catbart. It is Jason Catbart.

Oh, okay. I think you're going to enjoy this one. Do you like Victoria's Secret, Rebecca? I hate it. I used to be a general manager of a lingerie store called Bonnie Hens. Oh, whoa. Talk about it. I did that for a few years.

We actually would get creepy guys that would come in and go to the discount box downstairs when there was nobody around and try new stuff. Guys would come into the pockets of the robes that we had. So girls would go and put their hands in the pockets when they're changing, putting on swimsuits or whatever, and they'd get a handful of jizz.

Wow. They loved it. Oh yeah, of course. They loved it in their hair because it's moisturizing and all that. loved it more than once? They loved it and they ate it and they whipped it all over their face. It's moisturizing and all that. Oh, that's great. This happened more than once? Yeah. Same guy or lots of dudes?

Different guys. Really? I don't think that it was ever the same guy. We would get a lot of crazy prank calls and stuff like that, but the weirdest guy that ever came in actually came to me really embarrassed and asked me if I would do a bra fitting for him. Ooh, I've heard about this. And I went into the dressing room. I told the bosses, the guys that own this, Lauren and Alan, that they had to keep an eye out because I was going to take a dude in the dressing room. And that's, like, not a thing that we would ever do.

But he needed something. dude in the dressing room and that's like not a thing that we would ever do but he he needed something so i went in and i i i did a measurement and uh we didn't have a bra that would accommodate his rib cage but he was a full c cup and so while i was measuring yeah so while i was measuring him um i noticed that he started to get an erection and um we have a nice touch well no I mean it's kind of a compliment yeah absolutely it's very soft touch

it's like a it's like a but anyway I noticed that he got an erection and then he noticed me noticing and he freaked out

and like grabbed his shirt like tits out and just ran out of the place like I had done something bad to him or something aww yeah

that was like the weirdest thing I've ever known. He was just mortified. Well, no, I understand. He came back in later, and, like, we ordered his stuff, and we got it all worked out. Did you motorboat him? No. No. That's a fun thing to do with sea cups.

Was he, like, a transsexual fellow? No, I think that he was taking the cancer medication. Yeah, he's like a meatloaf in Fight Club. Yeah. Oh! Oh, so he really needed one for life. He had big tits, and he was trying to minimize them so that you wouldn't be able to see him. So he can go out, yeah.

Yeah, and live like a normal human being. Why do you need one? Don't minimize! Accessorize, show them, get them pierced. We would get crazy burlesque artists that would come in, and some celebrities and stuff, and it was a really cool job. Accessorize. Show them. Get them pierced. We would get crazy burlesque artists that would come in and some celebrities and stuff. It was a really cool job. That's fantastic. I would love to go in there.

Check out the ladies. Well, since we're all being terrible people, it's time to hear a song from Bad Mama Bitch and Fuck. Yeah, yeah. They're trying to fucking hate. I just want to say a couple words.

Fuck bad bitch mama. Had a fuck bad mama bitch. Had a fucking, had a year to be revered. Like Paul. All right? Yeah, man, we're like Paul revered here and revered, bro. You throw some shit in like that and then people are like, oh, look how we fucking brought her back around.

All right? So it's like we are trying to do something new here. Straight up. This isn't Lil Wayne. Alright, this isn't fucking. You mean Lil Wayne. Either way, I have to say the T. Or I just can't understand the word. Say it.

Lil Wayne. This isn't like some like Prince or like other hip-hop shit You know No it's new shit man Everyone you named was very good Play the track

The doubters can keep doing their doubting Alright let's play this track Trail Trail Trail Trail Trail Second! Second!

Heil! Heil! Heil! Heil! I'm gonna suck that monkey's cock. I'm gonna fuck that dog. I suck your cock. Oh me, my, oh me, you blew your load all on my brain. Miami, you blew your load on my brain. So, that was just some fucking knowledge.

Amazing. Real hip-hop, man. True hip-hop. Bringing the real to the real. Fuck these niggas out here that call themselves MCs nowadays. Fuck that, man. I don't know what the shit is that people are like, oh, I've been listening. No, man, we're doing real shit, man. We're bringing it to the streets.

There are streets involved. Yeah, you are on the streets, man. There are 40s. There are people going around committing crimes. We're all trying to live. Can we just live? Yeah, live and die by the sword, man.

By the fucking blade. By the blade. You know what I mean? That was the most beautiful thing I've ever heard in my whole life. Rebecca, what'd you think of that? That was the most beautiful thing I've ever heard in my whole life. Rebecca, what did you think of that? That was something. Ouch!

Did you come up with a sort of rap music, Rebecca? No, no, not exactly. All right. Jared, Jared, what do you think about the song? What do you think it says to America? I think it tells you that, you know, you just got to be true to yourself, and you got to not listen to what all these fucking posers

try and make you try and be. Because it's just like the song says, if you want to be a faggot, you be a dick-sucking faggot. That's important. Very important. It's true, man. All the new shit out there, all the onyx, all the fucking death row,

all the fucking no. No, man, if you want to be a nigger you can be a bitch type of nigger and I'm not saying huh I'm saying nigger it's a soft R

it's an A you don't say the R so now we're now we're in now we're there now we're there I was waiting I was waiting

that's what was in the song I took the R off the word and it makes it an A we had conversations about how the R was at the song! No, it's R off the word! No, no, no, no, no. We had conversations about how the R was at the end of the word. We used to care about what you became. Oh, my God. What was the overall motivation for you while creating and singing that song? It was more about fulfilling my life's goal

of being someone that could speak to young generations and really make them feel that they were necessary. You know? Play that song for a baby. That baby will fucking love that song. That baby's gonna be the next M.O.K. That's beautiful, man.

How long did it take to create that song? How long did you guys take making that song? Days, months. Years. What do you mean? Five months it took you take making that song? Days, months. Years. It did take months, yeah. It was like, yeah, it was like, what? What do you mean? Like, how, when we met, like, when we started? Five months it took you to make that one-minute track?

You should hear the next song. It's going to be great. Exactly. There's a lot of stuff underneath. You have to listen to it over and over and over again. That's the thing. I feel like it means so many things to so many different people, man. That's what's so beautiful about it, you know?

Could you imagine what that means to a Chinese person? Nothing. It means nothing. I don't understand that strange race of people. I feel bad for the Chinese person that thinks that's really good music and starts singing it down on the street in Harlem when they get their ass kicked. It's a good song. It's fantastic.

Thank you guys so much. You know, you guys are really welcome. We got some good news here on the round table front A good friend of mine, loyal listener of the show Alan Schwartzside has just defeated cancer

Fucking murdered cancer Oh yeah Took care of business Killed that cancer With the help of the round table yeah yeah yeah he said he listened to the round table

and he enjoyed it very much the cancer inside of his body heard him listening to it and they're like we gotta get the fuck out of here this is disgusting

we're cancer but we have rules he's a sick fucking bastard nice it'd be one day Alan if you're listening you have a full invitation to be in the chuckle hut

anytime you're in New York City yeah we'd love to have you on. Congratulations on continuing life. Even if you didn't beat the cancer, we could have had you in the coffee hut. Just cough around. Every time you cough,

we'll take that as a laugh, but you beat the cancer. We fucking cured somebody. He did a lot of work himself. One could argue. It's like one of those situations where they're like, we want to thank God for curing Thomas' cancer. What else did he do? Well, he had chemotherapy four times a month,

and he went to a doctor every day. That's probably what cured him. But nonetheless, the roundtable is a... Alan's strong, man. Alan's strong as fuck. He's going to keep going. He's going to be a millionaire. He's a lawyer.

Wow. We're going to need that. Absolutely. Specializing in weed legislation. Please come to New York. That's been the round table of gentlemen for this fucking week.

We got Jackie Zabrowski. What? Ed Larson. How are you doing? Holden McNeely, the fantastic rapper. I love the women. I love you.

Izzy loves you. Kevin Barnett. I'm incomplete. I'm incomplete. I'm incomplete without them. Jared Warner, thanks so much for being in the chocolate. Rebecca, thank you so much for being in the chocolate. Yeah.

I'm Ben Kissel and Marcus Parks. Hey. That's the whole fucking thing. Yeah. That's everybody. We've got to go over this about the whole not being a bitch thing. No, you're doing great. Everybody's fucking bitches. You don't know what is not a bitch anymore.

Yeah. That's true. I'm gonna get some notes from you. Yeah.