The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 180: Pecanyo

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

This week on Round Table: a clown accidentally sets fire to a dove during a children's birthday in Peru, a grackle gets stuck in a Texas Wal Mart, and a woman with O size breasts might have to get them removed.

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay out, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Marcus! Marcus, it's your birthday! gentlemen. Always civility. Marcus. Marcus, it's your birthday. Is that okay? Happy birthday. Sing happy birthday to Marcus. Yeah, that's the segment.

Yeah. I know how to do it. We're all fucking office managers. We have to come up with a whole office. This is a very standard idea. We've already done it. This all needs to be recorded. It is. Good. Yes.

New curse words. All right. New curse words it is. All right. All right. Farf. And what the curse word means. Yeah.

It's happy birthday, Marcus. All right. Are we sound checked? Yeah. That's Marcus Parks. Oh, wait. How do I start the show? It's so different now.

All right. That's Marcus Parks. Who has to pray? Marcus, you are praying. Oh, yeah. I'm praying to uh glyph and bill the birthday goblin glyph and bill what does he look like marcus uh he looks like a little toad does he have the feet of a goat he does have the feet of a goat how did you know

does he have a hat on oh he does not have a hat on. No hat. But you know what he has? He's got a little tuft of hair right on top. Isn't that adorable? It's about the size of an orange. Very nice. Is he black? Does he steal? No, well, that would be an inappropriate stereotype. White people make up most of the theft in America.

Yes, they do. Our penises are smaller than the black men, but bigger than the Asian. That is also, I don't know what to say about that one. That's not going to get a political career here that you are ruining. Well, you know, I'm praying to him and praying that I have a good birthday tonight because I've already had a pretty damn good birthday day. That's right. How was the pinball game you were playing earlier? It was great until you fucked it up. Who's he?

I was Ben. I was in the middle of one of the... Ben your technician or Ben? No, Ben Kissel. Oh, big fat Ben Kissel. I'm co-host in the middle of the best pinball game of my life and Ben comes in and starts shaking me and then coming up and

talking to me about things. Yeah, I said happy birthday. No, and then you came up up and talking to me about things yeah i said happy birthday no and then you anyway no and then you came up and started talking to me about my impending mortality how does it feel go on marcus continue with your prayer all right well amen yay welcome to the round table of gentlemen everybody it's not really a table nor is it round today this is more of a round table of gentlemen, everybody. It's not really a table, nor is it round today. This is more of a round square of gentlemen, because there's only four of us here. Enough to keep up a table if we were pieces of wood.

We gotta move forward. We gotta move forward. There's only four of us. Jackie, you're here. I'm here. I'm here. I'm here. I'm gonna be the little sister today.

I'm gonna poke I'm here. I'm going to be the little sister today. Oh, that's disgusting. All my big brothers. Let's get her. Let's put her on the ground. No, that's your little sister. Let's put her on the ground. Let's put her on the ground. All right.

Ed's not here. Oh, man, this sucks. So, crickets, noise. That's good. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Hold it, McNeely. Hold it in here.

What you want to feel me? Hold it, McNeely. Touching on my belly. Hold it McNally. Give it in a grease grease. Push, push, push, push. Big kids will suck a fuck. Yeah.

All right. There. A little freestyle for your fucking ass. By the way, I am a white man. So I'm fucking talented in that shit. Yeah. Very talented. Yeah.

Burger biscuits fucking 2014. Burger biscuits. Nine. I won't say it. All, very talented. Burger Biscuits fucking 2014. Burger Biscuits I won't say it. All right. Burger Biscuits 2014. That's great. I am Ben Kissel

as forementioned and with us as always it's Marcus Parks with the news. Marcus, why don't we just sing you

happy birthday. Happy birthday to you. It's fucker. More like Marcus F birthday. Happy birthday to you. It's bonkers. More like Marcus farts. Happy birthday to you. Marcus farts. Happy farts.

Farts day. Marcus farts. You're a fucking future dead man. Happy birthday to you. I fart, yes. How old, my girl? How old is my girl? 31.

I'm 31 years old. Yeah, no one cares about that age. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful, beautiful Marcus. And of course, if you don't know that reference, that's Mr. Holland's opus. Check it out. Opus. It means asshole. It means asshole. Does it?

When he makes the shape of an asshole with his hands it means asshole? Remember when they gave the opus to him at the end? Oh my god. Remember Rowena? Rowena, yeah. I remember that. Can you give us a line from Steel Magnolias? Why?

I just want it. Why not? You've got a yes and a lot on today'solias? Why? I just want it. Why not? It's chaos today. You get a yes and a lot on today's show. There's really no safety net here. Yeah, we really got to step up our game here. Give us a line. I was supposed to die first.

I watched her come into this world, and then I watched her go right out of it. Man, that's sad. Oh, man, that was powerful. Jack is a brown asshole. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. It's good to Oh, man, that was powerful. Jackie's a brown asshole. Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. He got nothing good to say. Come sit by me. That's right.

Olympia. Wheezy. That's brilliant. What a theatrical character you are, Jackie. I'm going to do all of Steel Magnolias. Please. I would love that. There could not be a better birthday.

Perhaps we could do a Cave Comedy Radio reading of Steel Magnolias. Please. Oh, everyone can't wait. I would love that. That could not be, there could not be a better birthday present. Perhaps we could do a Cave Comedy Radio reading of Steel Magnolias. I bet we could. All right. Let me write that down in my book. He's not writing it down.

He's not writing anything down. Children in a party in Peru were horrified when a clown accidentally set a dove on fire during a magic trick at a birthday party. Great magic trick, though.

That's great. What if that was the intention, you know? At first, the clown confidently attempts the dove pan illusion, in which a dish is set alight and extinguished before a bird flies out, but the trick goes wrong when the bird escapes and is set alight as the pan is ignited. Okay. That's not so bad, you know? That's a lot of fun.

So, Chucklehutter, what do you want to see burned alive holden mcnally oh god you're the best chuckle hunter yet that's a brilliant thing to see burned to life holden how would you react if you were being burnt alive by a clown? Holden McNeely. Well, okay. The other Jekyll Hunter. The other Jekyll Hunter said Holden McNeely as well. Well, this is making my job difficult because I'm talking to ghosts.

Very interesting situation. This poor clown ruining the entire clown experience for a series of kids. Do you go back and see a clown show again if the first clown show you ever go to has a burned dove? A dove burned alive? Or do you just nonstop love the dove? Or love the clowns? It depends on what kind of kid you are. Any one of us in the room, I believe, would love clowns forever.

Yes. I agree. I don't understand why they used fire in an act at a children's party. That is an excellent question. Where was this clown located? Peru. There you go. That's why. Things are different there. Everywhere besides in the grand old

U.S. of A. She's a grand old flag. She's a high-flying flag. And your fucker got a faggot in your ass. Well, it's mostly at half mass these days or half staff due to all the school shootings. Anyway, it's like a mid-flying flag at this point

because we love to kill our kids. The dove became engulfed in flames and attempted to fly away, at which point the clown panicked and dropped the flaming dish onto the ground. Children screamed as the performer attempted to salvage his act by picking up the dove with the flaming dish onto the ground, children screamed as the performer attempted to salvage his act by picking up the dove with the metal dish.

Oh, that's hilarious. So the dove went down, flame, a flame, fully aflame, and the clown was like, I can save this. I can save this. Oh, man, I bet the dove just made out such a terrifying shriek as it was burned alive. It's got to smell terrible. Out of all the birds to be burnt alive, a dove with

the dove hair, the dove wings, that's got to smell the worst. Yeah, but you can eat it though. You can eat it afterwards. I don't know if you can eat a dove. Absolutely. Dove hunting is a big tradition in my part of Texas. But you actually take these doves back and you create food with them? Absolutely. Best way to do it is you get the dove

breast, you stick a jalapeno up in the cavity, but first you fill the jalapeno with cream cheese. When do you do cocky on it? It seems like a Texas tradition. You wrap it in bacon and then you bake it for a while. It's fucking delicious. And it tastes good. Yeah, it's fantastic. My dad, in fact, during dove hunts, he used to kill the dove cut out a tart and eat it for its power this well i mean i don't think your dad's a lunatic he's very strong though yeah he is strong he's an amazingly strong man it seems like a war story you imagine all those doves going back and it

seems like what people used to talk about uh when soldiers coming back from vietnam what they would discuss how the vietcong would treat them when they would uh cut off soldiers uh u.s soldiers balls and dicks and put them in their mouths and stuff like that. It seems like a very similar situation with these doves. And if you're a dove, you've got to hate humanity. What happened to Papa Dove? He had a jalapeno shoved up his ass. The Parks family jacked off all over him and baked him.

Dad said that eating the hearts of doves also gave him the ability to communicate with hawks. And how many hawks are currently hovering around the parks home in Texas? Well, the hawks live at the old house, not at the new house. But I heard it turns your cum turquoise. Which is actually a benefit. Yeah. Yeah, it's good to be able to find it in the dark. I don't think that's a benefit.

If you, like, came all over a girl's stomach and it was turquoise, I'd be like, he's sick. She would love it. Someone take him to the fucking hospital. I rocked a load last night. Man, he keeps talking on this fucking load. What is a load? You have a girlfriend and I don't know why she likes you. It was great.

How big was your disgusting, lumpy load? Bad as shit, dude. I just hope I see her later on tonight so I can be like, man, Holden on the radio talked about the load he fucked inside of you. I couldn't even take her to the shower i'd take her to the car wash that load was so brutal yeah you took your girlfriend naked presumably unless you have sex with her while she's wearing a pantsuit uh i don't know what you're hard now don't get me big to a car wash oh my and you had a scrub all over her. Absolutely.

Yeah, very interesting. And what was the reaction when you took your naked girlfriend full of your disgusting glump? Oh, I turned Asian from me. She turned Asian from it? Is that what you said? She was so disgusted with you that her eyes got small and squinty. Yeah, and she was like, if I just close my eyes enough and so I can't see them. That's the thing, man. We had to remove all the furniture

we sit on the floor to eat now and shit. Uh-huh. But you blew inside. Yeah. Inside of her. Oh, no, no. I blew it out on all on it. Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? And nobody wants to hear about your glump.

Glump. Oh oh my goodness power up or i feel like it resembles blue cheese that you chick uh dip chicken wings into it can be a bit nutty don't give me that image when i'm eating my fucking blue cheese oh my god i'm so sorry for all the listeners of the round table of gentlemen every time you eat a chicken wing and you dip it into blue cheese, which is the preferred condiment for a chicken wing? Think of Holden's glump. I will be selling. If you would like me to mail you some of my goo bong, fucking hit up.

What is the email address? Cavecomedyradiogmail.com. Hit up that. I'll send you a little vial of it. I think it's illegal to transport that between states. Can you not? Oh, yeah. No, you can't.

Holden can't have his spunk going between state lines over state lines. There's no way. I'll put it in one of those. I'll put it in one of those things from Jurassic Park. The fucking, you know, the shaving cream can. Barbasol. Yeah, yeah. I'll put it in one of those.

It was the most scientific Barbasol can of all time. We all wanted that thing when we saw that as a kid. We all wanted that fucking thing. I mean, a kid. We all wanted that fucking thing. I mean, sort of. I wanted a thing, man. Yeah. For what? So fucking samurai that ass. You're gonna samurai it. Alright, well, hey.

This episode is dedicated to Holden's ex-girlfriend. May she rest in peace. Drowned alive. In all of his spunky fucking glump. So how did she go? Oh, they call me Forrest Glump. Forrest Glump.

I don't mean to do this, Jenny, but I have to cover you in the view. Dear God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far away from his glump. What would, I feel like this is the only... And he's so smart, Jenny. He's so smart. Out of respect to your comedic talent, Holden, I do have to have you...

I have to request a specific thing. Forrest Gump, what does it sound like when he comes? What does it sound like? Because you're the only person... Oh! Because he becomes like a Hulk. Oh, I see. He gets strong. He turns into a Hulk man. He just rips Jenny's head right on her fucking body.

Right, right. Sucking on her toes, man. Yeah, yeah. Jackie, how would you feel? Holden McNeely or Forrest Gump? But you're covered in glump. Who do you want? I mean, I would definitely rather fuck any retard besides Holden McNeely.

He was not mentally disabled. He was a tard, tard, tard, tard. I mean, I would definitely rather fuck any retard besides one of the people. He was not mentally disabled. He was a tard, tard, tard, tard. Well, you can't. All right. He was an American hero who came up with the following. A four-tard retard? Yeah, he was class four tard retard. Multi-layered tard.

That they let into the army? Yeah, why would they ever? Why did they let into the army? Anyone can get in there, you know? That's the problem. He's not going to be killing people. He's going to be saving lives. Yeah.

That's not right. It's not a way to fight a war. You got to get in there and fucking... Lieutenant Dan wanted to die in the war. Lieutenant Dan. Well, you know what? I went to Yahoo Answers for the question, is, was Forrest Gump retarded?

Best answer, I believe the word is autistic now. He was not autistic. He was not fucking autistic. Which I love that this person is trying to be PC when he's actually equating autistic kids to retards. That comes from user Dermot whose profile picture, by the way, is actor Dermot Mulrooney.

Very good. The next answer is from Speedy Dogzalas. Yes. Speedy Dogzalas? Yeah, Speedy Dogzalas and Speedy Dogzalas? Yeah, Speedy Dogzalas and his profile picture is a little dog with a sombrero on. That's very funny. That's actually very good. That's pretty great. He says, no, he was just genetically

deficient. He wasn't born smart, but that doesn't make him retarded. The story he tells is the story of his life. It's not some fantasy. It is. By definition, it's a movie. It's made up. Wow, that guy took Forrest Gump. In the book version of For. By definition, it's a movie. It's made up. Wow, that guy took Forrest Gump. In the book version of Forrest Gump,

he goes to space. Yes, with a monkey. And in the sequel, he causes Raquel Welch to almost be raped by the same monkey. Really? Yeah, the books are real weird. Books are real weird.

The books are different, huh? I didn't know it was based on a book. Yeah. Why would you read the book? Watch the movie. Well, who's the autistic Tar-Tar now? I love the movie so much that I read the book. Books are real weird. The books are different, huh? I didn't know it was based on a book. Yeah. Why would you read the book? Watch the movie. Well, who's the autistic tar-tar now? I love the movie so much

that I read the book. Yeah, me too. And I also read the sequel. I didn't read the sequel. Sequel's real. Forrest Gump gets fucked by a bear. Oh, yeah.

That was Hatchet, I think was the name of that. Sequel gets even weirder. Yeah, it gets really weird. Yeah, it gets really weird. So there was a clown and he was in Peru and he was doing a magic show for kids, and he lit a dove on fire.

And then after that, apparently there's footage of all this. Oh, great. The footage then shows a man kicking the dove towards the clown who blows out its flaming corpse. The shot then cuts away with the next scene showing the performance continuing despite the animal appearing to have died. Wow. The show must go on. Did he have another dove to perform another trick with? I believe

he moved on from all animal activity. All animal activity. Really? I'm sure he probably kiboshed the rabbit he had coming up in the third act. That magician on the L train, I feel so bad for that bird or rabbit or whatever he pulls out. Holden is disgusting. I think he's for that bird or rabbit or whatever he pulls out. Holden is disgusting.

I think he's a Mexican fella. And he comes on. He pushes a car. I think he is. I'm glad. It's not like my fucking grandfather. Oh, I think he's a Mexican fella. Well, am I discussing how I would like to shoot him off my porch? No.

I am discussing. That's a Texan. No, that was a Texan. Texans are racist. That was you. No, it wasn't. That was me acting like Marcus' grandfather. But you didn't even use an accent or anything. I don't do accents.

Yeah, please. Do you want me to shoot him in the face? It is better. That might be what we call coming from eine Kisselplasen. I don't know what that means. Interesting. Did the Nazis have a problem with the Hispanic fellow?

No, they did not. Because many of them immigrated to Argentina. Right. So that's fucked up. I'm running for city council. So all of this has to be edited. Well, I heard they work really hard, but they drink too much. What I am saying is... I would say they don't work that hard. Well I heard they work really hard but they drink too much What I am saying is

I would say they don't work that hard Alright they work very hard Come on you're dishwasher Yeah he's pretty good That sounds racist It's true I know him He replaced me as the dishwasher He's so much better than Marcus

He's so much better than I am The bar backs at Poor Paul's Poor House, where Ed worked, holy shit, those guys. I had to shadow them. I've never breathed so hard in my life. I was like, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh. They got more for a slump talking. Yeah, exactly.

You're breathing all wrong. Anyway, there's a guy who comes on the subway, and he has a rabbit, and he pulls it out of a random sack. And yes, the rabbit does not have the best life. I was just trying to clarify your point. And then all of a sudden, a political... He didn't have to say it. He is Mexican.

He didn't have to say it, though. Why not? I'm giving a mental... This is the radio. It's theater of the mind. Spanish fella? Well, but... Okay, Spanish then.

Hispanic fella? Hispanic? I think Latin. Latin? Yeah. There's a fellow. A Hispanic fellow that is probably gainfully employed and definitely a citizen of this country. That's how I would have liked you to. Oh, I'm sorry, PC Jackie Zabrowski. Well, anyways, he pulls this fucking rabbit out on the train

and I just feel so bad for that fucking poor rabbit. For the rabbit, yeah. Rabbits don't care. Rabbits are fine. That rabbit looks sad. No, man. I hate rabbits. Son. No, you cut off their feet.

I want to dangle it from my fucking car window and I get the luck. Don't get me horny. Why'd you do it, rabbits? Rabbits are good hippity hoppity animals, though. They do poop a lot. Yeah. And Yahoo Answers say that, that yes rabbits do have feelings rabbits are very sensitive social and intelligent they have the capacity to form very deep emotional bonds

with their humans it depends on the human and how they interact with the bunny so that's the thing jackie you don't bring it on the subway pull it out of your stupid bag and expect it to love you he's a star he's a performer yeah you think so yeah he's probably living in a life that's what John Waters said about Divine she ended up

eating dog shit rest in peace I don't understand why radio won't put us up on their shit yeah why we have to be

doing this shit in some bit like we're this golden fucking radio bullshit right now and they're all like oh no

we want to talk about how this American's life works this how this American's life works. This is an American's life right here. I'll fucking shoot your ass. I agree. I agree.

Get off my porch. That's how you should have said it. No, I would never. Marcus's grandfather would say such things. Edit the whole thing out. I'm a very, I got a lot of stuff going on here. Yeah, you're very political. This is a bad move for your character. Good God, I know.

I know. Jesus fucking Christ, man. We've done 180 episodes of this and now you're getting worried? I've been worried ever since episode two. Well, I don't believe in shooting nobody off at no point. Well, nor do I. That was a character that I was doing. Then he happened to have a very similar voice to mine.

It doesn't matter. Okay, so the clown burnt a dove. Isn't that exciting? Oh, we got more bird news. Okay. There are plenty of birds hanging around outside the Walmart on Marketplace Drive in Katy, Texas. But Randall Roy is only worried about one. When I hit the corner, my first reaction was, really?

Said Roy. Randall Roy won't worry about one thing at a time. Really? A single grackle managed to get inside the store. What's a grackle? It's like a shitbird. A shitbird? It makes noise like this. That is a shitbird.

They're terrible animals. Terrible birds. They're all over Texas. A single grackle managed to get inside the store and Roy watched it for weeks. He snapped pictures of it on the bread aisle. The next week, he decided to shoot video as the bird was pecking away at some packaged steak.

Get the bird out of the store! Gotta get it out of the store. Get it out of the store. He said, it's been gaining some weight. It's definitely not vegan. It is not a vegan bird. Very interesting. Would not do well in Williamsburg, Brooklyn.

After watching the bird, he brought it to an employee's attention. He recalled... Nobody noticed the bird? Roy noticed the bird. But nobody else? Only one person? Apparently only Roy.

Is this a Walmart? Is this a Walmart? A bird can get lost in a Walmart easily. I guess so. He said, there's an employee about 10 feet away stocking the meat on the shelves. So I tap her like, hey, ma'am, either Walmart has some really fresh product

or there's a wild bird right behind me. This guy's great. This guy's very funny. Let's get him on here. Roy was sure after two weeks of bird watching inside the store that it would be gone. But on his third visit in three weeks, it was still there. Still there.

Look at that. He brought it to the attention of two workers. She, the worker, told him, she's like, I'm sorry, sir. I'm going to talk to management. I went to another employee and he's like directing me, trying to help me out, take pictures

of this, send them to corporate. So I held down the bird and then I fucked it. I fucked it to the middle part right in the meat. Well, Roy, did you put a jalapeno up its ass? Oh, did I?

Boy, did I? Did you glumple on it that day? And then I was all like, oh, you fucking bird. And how'd the bird react? Oh, the bird cried. I didn't know a crackle could cry. I didn't know a bird could cry either. Must have been very, very

disgusting for that bird. Yeah, I pity the fool who fucks a grackle in a Walmart meat aisle. Yeah. Well, KHOU contacted the corporate Walmart office too. They told us the bird issue was a serious matter and they sent a crew in, but the bird was gone.

Hours later, we paid a visit to the store and found the grackle perched in the rafters. Roy explained, it's Walmart, you know. I can go to the aisle in the sporting goods section and get a net and catch myself. Oh, wow, you can get anything at Walmart. In the end, Walmart managed to capture the bird. They had to temporarily shut down the 24-hour store and dispatch a professional crew to finally send that grackle packing.

This is an article in a newspaper? It sounds like a terrible bedtime story for all Texan children to hear. This was captured on KHOU.com, Houston, Texas. Very fascinating. That town, what was it, Katy? This is Houston. Yeah, yeah. This is Houston.

Katy is a suburb of Houston. You call people from there, you call them Kations. Oh. Very good. And then you can dehumanize them and treat them not as they're the same. And then when the war comes, you can shoot them and take all their goods. No one likes people from Katy. Okay. Very interesting.

Always use patience when dealing with patience. Very nice. Very, very nice. Is that the picture of the grackle? I thought it would be bigger. Let's see the crackle. Grackle. Oh, it's a huge bird. It's not that big. Oh, it's on a bag of nuts.

Oh, I thought it was on a much larger thing. It's on a bag of nuts. Now, grackles are just blackbirds. Oh, no, it's on huge bird. It's not that big. Oh, it's on a bag of nuts. Yeah. Oh, I thought it was on a much larger thing. It's on a bag of nuts. Now, grackles are just black birds. Oh, no, it's on a baboboli. It's on a baboboli. It's on a bag of nuts. It's not. It's on a bag of nuts.

No, Mark. Baboboli. Hold it. It's on a baboboli. It's on a baboboli. Yeah. Remember when baboboli came out? I think it's just called boboly, by the way.

No, it's a baboboli. Baboboli? No. I don't even know what that is. by the way. No, it's Bobobly. Bobobly? No. I don't know what that is. It's a pizza crust. It's a pizza crust where you can make your own pizza. Yeah, it's not a nut. Yeah, you buy the pizza crust and then you make your own pizza with the tomato sauce

and the vegetables and meat. If you want to put tomato sauce. I mean, it's Boboly. It's not Bobobly. Yeah. I always called it Bobobly, but maybe that's because my name is Ben. Do you ever eat Bobobly? Yeah. I always called it Bobobly, but maybe that's because my name is Ben. Do you ever eat Bobobly? On a regular basis.

Really? Did you make the pizza or did you just eat the crust? Oh, I made the whole thing. Yeah. And I would put about a pound of cheese on there and I would never put the, I found the sauce. When you put the sauce on there, I found that it messed up the Bobobly crust. So I would just put the cheese on there, a bunch of meats,

and then I would dip it in the sauce. Good. Yeah. And you know, I was only considered obese, not morbidly obese. I was 80 pounds over my goal weight. But was this when you were 380? No, this was

260, but I was also 11. All right. No, I'm just kidding, but I was also 11. All right. No, I was thin at 11. Maybe I was 12. It doesn't matter. Either way, but probably a great crust. You think you'll ever go back to it? I want to, but I can't. I can't do it. It's bad for your heart.

It's bad for your immune system. It's bad for everything. It's more fun, though. Yeah? It's more fun when you're fat. Yeah, I'm getting big. You're getting real fat, Holden. Are you enjoying that? I love it. Yeah? What's your weight at now, Holden?

Dude, I don't mess with scales or mirrors. You don't either? I don't fuck with no scale. I don't fuck with no mirror. I'm losing weight. Yeah, I feel good. Stop losing weight, Marcus. You shouldn't lose weight, man. I don't know how. You're 31 years old. You fucking stick. You a stick.

I weigh 140 pounds. That's not bad. You look good. Thank you. Yeah, that's not bad at all. Well, I was 145, 150. Well, it's wintertime, and I don't have as much muscle on my body because I'm not biking. Muscle weighs more than fat.

Therefore, drop about 10 pounds. So Holden weighs eight pounds. Very interesting. Yeah, Bobobly. Bobobly. All right, well, let's move on to another story, Marcus. Bag of nuts. He's in a bag of nuts.

Bag of nuts. Bag of nuts. Hey, honey, can you give me a bag of nuts? What kind of nuts do you want? Pecanos. You want pecanos. I don't know how to please you. That's not a nut.

You want pecans and pistachios and you mix them together in your mouth? Froger. Froger. Well, that does exist. Froyo. Yolo. Froyo. Well, you only live once.

Pocket. That's it. That's a hot pocket. Okay. Marcus, let's get another news story in there. Once pocket. That's a hot pocket. Okay. Uh, Marcus, let's get another news story in there. A Bay of plenty truck driver blew up like a football after a freak accident where compressed air was forced into his body through his left buttock.

Not bad. Yeah. Steven McCormick was standing on the plate between the cab of his truck and semi trailer, uh, on Saturday when his foot slipped as he fell, Wow. He felt like he was diving and had the bends. He said, I felt the air, and I felt like it was going to explode from my foot. I had no choice but to just lay there blowing up like a balloon. Big old blow to the- Why did he take the fucking thing out? Because he was blowing up.

He was blowing up. It's like Willy Wonka. Yeah, yeah. That chick who ate the wrong candy. Yeah, yeah. So when you get the bends when you're diving, do you know that information? How do you get the bends when you're diving? You dive too deep. It's not when you're diving. Do you know that information? How do you get the bends when you're diving? You dive too deep.

It's not when you dive too deep. It's when you ascend too quickly. It's like when you're in deep. Yeah, the air pressure is too much when you ascend. It's when you ascend too quickly. Yes, it is. When you ascend too quickly. Too fast.

The bends. That's right. Also, a rape. You got the bends. And she black now, man. You got to fuck your black girlfriend. What? Well, I don't know.

I will later. Oh, hello. Happy birthday, Marcus. Happy birthday, Marcus. Holy Lord. You better put that fucking shit in your cock. I'm going to fuck it up. I can already tell I'm going to fuck it up real bad tonight.

I got a new song for you. Whiskey Dick. Mark's Aaron Gosselin, Whiskey Dick. Oh, no. I never get Whiskey Dick. I just know I'm going to do something to probably make her very angry. Yeah. What are you going to do, do you think?

Or what am I going to say to her that is me? Just anything. Probably just yell at cats outside. Yeah. Is that something that's normal? He's been doing that a lot lately. She hates it. Yeah.

Mark, has he got to stop? They're just cats. Yeah. Mr. Peepers is all pissed off. Well been doing that a lot lately. She hates it. Yeah. Mark, has he got to stop? They're just cats. Yeah. Mr. Peepers is all pissed off. Well, you know, he's pissed off. So am I. That's right. So this man's getting inflated like a football, but he lived through it.

He lived through it. He lived through it. He lived through it. He lived through it. He lived through it. Yeah. He lived through it. Mr. McCormick's workmates heard him screaming, said company co-owner Robbie Peterson, and

quickly released the air container safety valve to stop the flow. The brass nipple remained embedded in Mr. McCormick's rear as three of his co-workers, Jason Weenum, Ross Hustler, and Peterson lifted his upper torso onto the truck's plate while waiting for emergency... Big ol' butt. They fucked that

big ol' butt. They got all hard and stuff. Yeah. I'm with the flight show. I'm with the flight show. Oh, yeah. Well, Ben, your father was a truck driver Did he ever have anything like this happen to him? Did he ever fuck other truckers? No he was not He was a nice man

What's that? Did he fuck the truckers that were asleep? Did he have sex with other truck drivers? Yeah I don't think so But it's possible I mean a man only has a job that he loves And he had that job for 18 years

So I'm not sure But maybe They called him B. Kraut B. Kraut The big kraut Because he. B-Kraut? The Big Kraut, because he's from Germany, and every German loves sauerkraut, and so they called him Big Kraut. And killing Jews. And what's that?

Taking care of Jews. They called him B-Killin' Jews. B-Killin' Jews. B-Killin' Jews. B-Killin' Jews. Yeah! Well, I don't know. History is something very interesting.

But yes, he had sex with a bunch of men. What does it mean, brass nipple? Nipple doesn't sound like something that would pierce your body. It's a protruding object that has something come out of it. Have you ever blown up a basketball? No. Like a bicycle pump. Jackie, when you go to play basketball every weekend, you don't blow up the basketball?

No. A football. When you're with your homies and you're shooting the b-ball. Oh, yeah, pigskin. Yeah. No, not the pigskin. That's a football.

Yeah, I got all them balls. You got all the balls. Yeah. Yeah. You know when you blow up Doug's balls and you stick a thing in them and make them all inflated? I kind of want to see how big he would get

if I put a bunch of air inside of him. Doug? Your boyfriend? He's my pillow baby. That's the thing. I feel like it's a very cozy something to sleep on. Somebody who is full of air. Nice and blown up there. I don't understand how he didn't die.

I don't know how he didn't die either Toss him around. I don't know how he didn't die either. It seems like it really must have torn his skin from his flesh, and I don't think he's ever going to go back to normal. That's the interesting thing about it is that doctors later told him they were surprised the air didn't break the skin as it separated fat from muscle. Mr. McCormick said his skin felt like a pork roast, crackling on the outside, but soft underneath.

Amazing with these analogies. Yeah, he's really good at it. He's a poet there. Yikes. Oh man, I wish my skin was like a pork roast. You would just eat it right off your body. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So is he going to be okay,

or is the skin just hanging around his ass now? He's going to be fine. The only way for the air to escape was the usual way gas passed from the body. He had to fart it out? Again with the Willy Wonka analogy with the burping.

He had to fart out the gas? Yeah, this is just like Willy Wonka but with truckers. Isn't that something? Oh, I would watch that movie. Come into my chocolate factory. Okay, that sounds good. I got a golden ticket here at. Come into my chocolate factory. Okay. Well, that sounds good. I got a golden ticket here at the Safeway gas station here.

Sure. What happens at your chocolate factory there, Mr. Truck Driver? Oh, lick the walls. Oh, good. Tiny gum pieces. Well, this actually tastes like old gum. Isn't that something? Tiny gum pieces. Tiny gum pieces taste exactly like tiny gum pieces.

It's almost like you put them there. Grackle. Hello. Light it up on fire. Bring it back to bird. Bring it back to bird. What sound does a bird make, Holden? Man! Well, alright. Maybe he wants to hail a cab

or something. I don't know. Name's Bill the Bird. Okay, Bill the Bird. bill the bird bill the bird uh-huh how'd you get here bill where are you from white man you're from the white man okay the white man sent me the white man sent you the very nice was it a clown from peru oh he had his face painted and he had big shoes and you're all burnt up oh my god it's the ghost of the dove peace bird my ass

you ain't gonna edit shit out we're doing this nothing um Bill well it's nice to have you here Bill I'm devastated where are the chuggle hunters the only thing I'm editing out is that racial slur that I said earlier.

That's great. Yeah. And of course- That's not fair. Well, you know, maybe when you become a producer, you can choose what to edit out. One day. Oh, one day. One day.

You could also make very little money to do a lot of work. Yes, you can. That would be great. All right. Marcus, there's another news story that I'm sure we can get to. Okay, for this- How much time do we have? Where are we at?

We're at eight minutes, nine minutes? No, we're at 36 minutes. 36 minutes. Yeah, we've been having a blast. We only need eight more minutes. We're doing great. Eight more minutes. Four people.

It's a 44-minute podcast. Four more years. We're nailing this. I like that. We better do 50, though, with all the edits. Probably. Yeah. For this adult film star with an O-cup breast, bigger isn't better.

Elizabeth Starr, 43, underwent a controversial surgery to get dramatically enlarged boobs, hoping they'd help her career. Now, she says, she's paying the price. Doctors have told Star that unless she undergoes a double mastectomy, she runs the risk of blood clots and infections. There is so much scar tissue

in my breast, she said. It's affecting the blood flow to the body and could cause a fatal blood clot. Wow, they're so big. They are so big. She's an O-size breast? O-size. We'll be posting this on the Roundtable page,

by the way, on Facebook. What's so weird about her face? Can I see her face? It's a fine face. I mean, she had some work done. Well, I mean, if you'll see... I love her boyfriend. By the way, Marcus,

go back to that picture. Look at her fucking boyfriend. He looks like a more demented Bret Michaels or something. Describe Jackie. He doesn't like Bret Michaels. He looks like a Bret Michaels that's... If Shawn Michaels and Bret Michaels got together looks like Bret Michaels. If Shawn Michaels

and Bret Michaels got together, maybe? The Heartbreak Kid, of course. He does look a lot like Shawn Michaels. He's a very disgusting man. Jackie, what do you think? I mean, this guy's into a girl of that size. Would you try to entice him for a sexual romp? I feel like his hair would get caught

in my pussy. What do you mean? His hair is so long. Like the second cut from Wayne's World? What's going on with your pussy? Does it have teeth? Yeah, it does. Is it serrated? It just feels like he would be eating you out. He's like, oh, hold on.

And I would pull out a hair. Just a clump of his hair from your pussy. Yeah, and it would get underneath my breasts. And my fat flaps. Can we see some more pictures of the nice lady's breasts? Yes. Well, she is a very kind lady. Now, this is her at a more natural age.

Just type in Elizabeth Starr topless to follow us. She's not hot. There we go. Type in Elizabeth Starr topless, and you will see one image that is really disgusting. The first image is great. It's fun. How do you suck a dick like that? I also don't think she was at O status

in that first picture. No, she was not. This is the thing. I've never actually heard of this. It seems extremely scientific. And of course, it looks like she has them in her butt as well. Actually, her butt looks exactly like her breast

minus the nipples. It really does. Those are her breasts. No, that's her butt. That one with the picture with her butt. It was her back. Well, here's what the scientific process of this was and why they

got so big. In 1999, Star paid 3,000 pounds, nearly 5,000 US dollars, for polypropylene breast implants, also known as string implants. So 7,800 Dugalis. Dugalis, that's right. For our Middle Arjun listeners.

Of course, we have a large Millarjun audience. And i'd like to say hello to our uh new croatian listeners do we have croatian listeners i got added on facebook by a croatian fella so i can only imagine maybe he's listening and maybe he's got friends so hello croatia faggots of the east no no that is inappropriate once again no okay that's not the Cave Comedy. That's not the slogan. No, no, the wonderful people. Stick with patience with Cajun. Yes. Of all the nations, I'd rather be Cajun. If you're our Croatian listener, email us at cavecomedyradio.gmail.com or go to the Roundtable Facebook page.

Also, Ben would like to apologize for my comments. I am sorry for Holden's comments, as I am sorry for every Holden comment. You know, I have heard of one thing about Croatia, is that they're actually the faggots of the east. All right, all right. Well, who did you hear that from, Jackie? I don't know. It's like, I read it in a book. You read it in a book.

It wasn't just said? I saw that book. That's a big book you're reading. Big book that I read. Oh, okay. Big book. It's a scary big book. Yeah, I read the whole thing.

Well, I'm not going to read it. Every letter in the whole alphabet in it. In the book there. A lot of puns. A lot of puns. All right. Well, this is a real Wolf of Wall Street, isn't it? A lot of the F-bomb there being thrown around.

And I think that that's fine. Well, these breast implants are also known as string implants. The procedure involves putting synthetic polypropylene strings into the breasts. The strings generate fluid production and then absorb the fluid, causing the breasts

to continuously expand over time. Hold it. Is that what you have in your neck? Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! That was good, Kisla. High five. That was a good neck burn. Yeah. Yeah. That was good, kids. High five.

That was a good neck burn. You can see it. Real good neck burn. I have about 30 to 40 days to live. Okay. Well, that'll cut sad. Let's explode his neck. He wants to send me some dick pics on Cave Comedy Radio at gmail.com.

Yes. Yes. Please send the dick pics to the email address and do not put the dicks on the Facebook page. No one's putting them on the Facebook page. I want them hard. Yeah. Someone the dicks on the Facebook page. No one's putting them on the Facebook page. I want them hard. Someone did put it on the Facebook page. Another one? Just one.

I mean, actually, technically it's two. Well, one was on the last podcast page. No, you can put the, you can, well, okay. Actually, honestly, more than that, balls pics. No. Yes, send pictures of your balls. Just the balls. No shaft, no head, just balls.

Create an email address. We're not going to track you down. We're not going to find it. We're not going to say your name online or on the podcast, whatever we do here. This is a podcast. Radio needs to listen the fuck up. This is real shit. They're like, oh, here's a cute story about this

American life. There's a fine girl and she's helping the community. And it's like our fucking asses are helping the shit out. Right. That we're talking about. Well, we're joined by Holden McNeely. Now, Holden,

I've heard that your fucking ass has been helping a lot of shit out. Thank you so much for joining us today. Bongo drums make me cum. Yeah. In the wilds of West Africa, we're out. In the wilds of West Africa Traffic's bad in 405 We got a little bit of weather going on

We see the remnants of the colonial rubber plantation Who wants to listen to that? I mean a lot of people want to listen to it Oh yeah, sit in your car with your glasses on and your fucking... So they can see the road so they don't hit a car in front of them maybe or a small child crossing the street. I wish they put a Game Boy in the steering wheel.

Yeah, that's great. I wish that they would too. And then they'd be like, how did Holden die? And you'd be like, the dumbest way possible. Oh, that was mean, Kissel. No, Jackie. Jackie, it's okay. It's from a man who thinks Mexicans should be shut up.

That's not true. Marcus' grandfather. All right, all right. My grandfather never even said that. It doesn't matter. He had nothing against Mexicans. I know what it is. It's not a single thing.

He was totally fine with Mexicans. I'm stressed. Are you bubbling? I'm bubbling. Babobbly fine with Mexicans. I'm stressed. Are you bubbling? I'm bubbling. Bubobbly. Bubobbly. Bubobbly. Get a bubobbly tonight and enjoy this evening's podcast.

Let's do one more story. Do one more story. One more. All right. A little bonus. A double murderer and rapist who killed and ate one of his victim's cats with mashed potatoes was sentenced to life in prison on Thursday by a court in southern Germany. I hate mashed potatoes.

I love mashed potatoes. How do you hate mashed potatoes? I was trying to make a joke. Oh. You really do hate mashed potatoes? Everyone loves mashed potatoes. They're awesome. They taste like a ripped uterine lining.

Yeah, which means no baby this month. No baby, no baby, no baby. Yeah. How often do you eat ripped? What was it? The 33-year-old man named as Daniel S. suffocated his elderly neighbor in January 2012 and then drowned his 50-year-old girlfriend

in their bathtub six months later. He raped them both? He raped them after suffocating the 70-year-old woman with a plastic bag in her house, probably because she was getting on his nerves. Yeah. So glad we did one more story. I know, Marcus.

You really brought it around. Happy birthday. And by the way, I didn't say that. That was actually quoted in the story, quote, probably because she was getting on his nerves, he turned to her cat. The metal worker beat the animal to death with a baseball bat in his neighbor's garage,

filming it on his phone. I'm sad now. He then roasted the cat before eating it with mashed potatoes. I mean, you kill what you eat. You eat what you kill. That's the way it goes.

That's the way the old saying, you eat what you kill. What about his 70-year-old neighbor? I don't know if he ate her. I feel like after the age of 45, it's like, oh, thank God. If I haven't been raped, I'm never going to get raped.

Right? That's true. It's like young, hot things.. If I haven't been raped, I'm never going to get raped. Right? That's true. It's like young, hot things, you know? So you rape a 70-year-old. Lots of old ladies get raped. Oh, God. Why would you rape an old lady? Because it's easy.

Yeah, it's easy. Oh, my God. It's just like, rape a dog. I've come across plenty of old lady rape stories in my time. You Google them. You search for it. Don't Google them. No, I stumble across

all sorts of weird shit. And one of the most common ones as far as super fucked up, like in the realm of super fucked up, elderly rape is one of those that comes across quite often. Put your Google goggles on and we're going to do some rape.

Why? Let's wrap it up. Wrap it up. Are you ready for Google Goggles? Oh no, he's Googling it. Oh no. A woman is raped.

74 year old woman raped in Central Park tells attacker to rotten hell. You didn't stumble upon it. You searched for it. No, I came, I covered that show in New York City Crime Report. I'm sure you did. It was an old lady who was a bird watcher in Central Park. Had gone there all the time. I heard that episode.

She took a picture of a guy who was masturbating in the park. He raped her. He smashed her phone, but they still kept a little memory card. He eventually got convicted of raping the old lady. Again, you didn't stumble on it. And don't think I did stumble upon it. I did stumble upon it. You're masturbating in a park.

Yeah. We all learned a valuable lesson here. That's a good point. Yeah. Let him alone. There's a lot of them, though, on this page. Yeah, don't go to the Bramble in Central Park. If you're ever in Central Park, don't go to the Bramble.

I don't know where the Bramble is. How am I supposed to know where the Bramble is? They have signs, kind of, sort of, that you can't really see. The Bramble? But once you're in the Bramble, you'll know you're in the Bramble. I don't want to go to the Bramble. Don't make me go to the Bramble. Don't put on camera if you do.

Yeah, just don't go to the... Just seriously, stay out of the Bramble. Is that where the rapings happen? Well, there's a lot of hook cruising happening in the Bramble. Cruising? Yeah, gay cruising. Gay cruising? Yeah, yeah.

The Bramble has been a big gay cruising... Is it a time warp to the 1930s? You don't know what cruising is? I do, but I don't think people do it anymore. Well, not anymore. At the time, it was a big cruising spot. Now it's kind of a big rape. Cruising for gay sex.

That would often entail bruising. Yes. Homosexuals? Yes, wonderful people. Homosexual activity. And the Asians. Absolutely. And the African Americans.

But they just wouldn't rape me, so what's the problem? Apparently they're also rapists in the Bramble. Stay out of the Bramble. Maybe I should just go on a fucking visit to the Bramble then. And see what fucking happens. You'll get raped, Jackie. Don't be self-deprecating. No, I just want an excuse to

beat a man to death. You ever think of a pigeon Don't be self-deprecating. I just want an excuse to beat a man to death. You ever think of a pigeon? If a pigeon fucked a penguin, would it be able to fly? Yeah. I haven't thought about that. Yeah. No, I never did think about that.

There are penguins in the Central Park Zoo. We can make that. You can't make it happen. If it was going to happen, it would have happened by now. Yeah, because you would have found a penguin or a penguin would have found a pigeon. The pigeons would have easily flown into the Central Park Zoo and if it could have happened, it would have happened. Right. All right.

Well, that was a great final story. And I'm just so happy that we did it because it led to so much comedy. The penguin would rape the pigeon. It would have to. I don't know. I would think it'd be the other way around. It depends if it has... The pigeon can kind of...

Yeah, it's from the streets. I've wondered about that. When they combine large dogs with small dogs, does the large dog fuck the small dog, or do they grab the small dog and just kind of pump him on the pussy? They don't pump him. The large dog...

Is that a goggle, Google? He's just stumbling upon all this information. Do they pump the pussy of the big dog? All right. Well, that's going to lead you to some porn. I am a dog slut. The first thing up, I am a dog slut. What is it?

It's a story. It's a story. Hi, my name is Missy and I'm a dog slut. I let dogs have sex with me and I enjoy it. I like nothing better than to lay down on my back and let a dog hammer my bitch whole mouth with his mighty dog penis. What the fuck?

Did you stumble upon this? Are you kidding me right now? Read the next line. I love a big, nasty, slimy, red, hot, throbbing, dog dick in my mouth. Oh, my goodness.

I am a dog whore and I love it. I love dicks and their dicks are so nice and fat and juicy. They're nice and hard and I love to suck on them. I can suck dog dick all day long. Don't rub your nipples while you fucking do this, Marcus. That's my desire for dog dick. This is disgusting. And how long is that?

Let a dog hammer my bitch hole. It's really long. I do enjoy the verbiage, but I like that. I'm going to skip to the end. Yeah, skip to the end. I love slurping down dog cum and they just keep pumping. Slurping down dog cum like a baby on a bottle really makes me really cum. I suck down every drop.

I milk the end of its dick to keep the sperm flowing. It is so warm, salty, and good. I love being fed dog cum from a dog dick. I let it fill my mouth over and over, then I gulp it down. It's hot like lava. And I'm salivating just thinking about it. Cum was fucking lava. If I could talk about my girlfriend like this person talks about dog cum,

I feel like I'd be in a way healthier relationship. When it comes, I keep thinking the same thing over and over. That's it, baby. Stay me with your doggy dick cum. Paint me until I'm a smeared whore tainted and defiled. Make me your bitch. Feed me your cum. If this wasn't about a dog, I would really be into it. That's when I call

my other dog over and do it all over again until I'm burping up come three exclamation points well i've gotta go suck my dog off now i'm so horny kisses missy well and there was like a lot i mean there's probably 30 paragraphs that i didn't what did you google search to get to that i first first hit there? I Googled, do they pump the pussy? Do they pump the pussy with the big dog? Do they pump the... Alright, and now it's time. And now it's time for a segment from Holden McNeil.

Hey, that's... Aw, that was his line. It's his fucking birthday. Mexican killer. Mexican killer. Okay. Okay, alright. Mexican killer. Mexican killer. Okay. Okay. All right.

Mexican killer. You murderer. I'm not a murderer. I'm a porch murderer. And now, Marcus, if you would throw it to Holden. And now it's time for a segment from Holden McNeely. Yay. Yay.

Reagan. Okay. I didn't love him. I didn't love Ronald Reagan. Welcome. Privatized prisons. Marcus is vomiting. He just spit up his beard. Jackie, I didn't love him. I didn't love Ronald Reagan. Privatized prisons, Marcus. He just spit up his beard. Jackie, what is your idea?

I don't know anything about Ronald Reagan. Okay. Marcus, what do you like or dislike about Ronald Reagan? Marcus, you have to answer so we can end this so we can go celebrate your birthday. He gets movies. Oh, they were good. Bonzo goes to Bitburg. Bon good. Bonzo goes to Bitburg. Bonzo?

Bonzo goes to Bitburg, baby, for a cup of tea. I love Reagan. I mean, he never shows up on time. No, no, no. In fact, what they said about him when he was an actor, they said that he, quote, always showed up on time and sober. All right. Well, that's today's episode.

Very interesting time. We'll start a whole new spinoff, the Roundtable spinoff show. This will be really great, just the four of us here. Just the four of us. Alright, that's Marcus Parks, Jackie Zebrowski. Happy birthday. Do you want to serenade him a little bit there?

Alright, I'm Ben. Happy birthday, Marcus. You are together. Fart. And you are brown. Fart. Faggots of the Middle East. All right, well, we'll take that out of there.

I'm from Croatia. I do zero things well. Okay, well, that's acceptable. I don't know. What do the Croatians do? A bunch of things. Marcus, don't get to Google it. Alright, we're done with the episode. Edit out a lot of the things. I'm editing nothing.

Except for my one racial slur. Which the audience will never know about. It doesn't matter. Well, they're going to know about it. Follow us on Twitter. Oh yeah! At Ben Kissel, at Marcus Parks. At RT of Gentleman. It doesn't matter. Well, they're going to know about it. I mean, you won't know exactly what it is. Oh, yeah. At Ben Kissel, at Marcus Parks. At RT of Gentleman.

At RT of Gentleman, at Murder Fist, to contact with Holden and Jackie Zabrowski. At Jack the Worm. Oh, and Jack the Worm, of course. That's right. Asshole. And listen to all the great shows on Cave Comedy Radio, such as Abe Lincoln's Top Hat, which is a politics show with me. And at Busty Broad

CCC Cup. We're going to start plugging things at the end of the show. 69, 69, 420. That's right. I forgot about that. Are you going to be

burping cum? Oh, doggy dick in my bitch whore mouth. I'm actually aroused when you say it, Jackie. I'm out. All right. All right.

We'll have to end it. Okay, goodbye. Goodbye.