The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 181: Ping Pong Mother Bush

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

This week on Round Table: an opera singer is suing a hospital after a botched surgery saddles her with uncontrollable flatulence, two birds set free by the pope are immediately attacked and presumably killed by other birds, and a ghost ship full of cannibal rats is heading toward England. Joining us today: Amber Nelson, Henry Zebrowski, and Dan Wilbur!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay down, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Nobody wants to talk about it. Does it matter to you? I mean, does the beeping noise matter to you at all? No, I didn't hear it in the first place. It's probably a rat.

Is there some kind of eagle caught over there? Is there a rat in the studio? There's a rhythm to it. It's not a rat. Who's praying today? Maybe it's a fucking rat DJ. Oh, fuck. I am? All right. All right. We have to do it. Holden, you have to pray. There's a rat in the room. There's not a rat DJ. Oh, fuck. I am? All right. All right. We have to do it. So, Holden, you have to pray, even though there's a rat in the room. There's not a rat in the room.

There might be a rat in the room. No, there isn't. It could be a grasshopper. I hope it's Mickey Mouse. It doesn't matter. There's no rat in the room. Okay, Holden. Just never use it.

All right, everybody, close your eyes. It's time for a fucking guided meditation. If you fucking talk during this, I'm going to fucking black your whole bullshit out. Just complete it, bro. Just do it, man. I'm going to fucking snack on your fucking mom if you talk to her. Fuck yeah, bro. You tell her. Complete it.

She needs it. My mom hasn't had an orgasm since I was born. All right. That's disgusting, you fucking swine. Really? And she owed on your birth. Yeah, people have orgasms during birth all the time. While you're shitting the bed, you're on your nose.

Holden, go on with your prayer. Think about that, Holden. When your mom had you, she sprayed her fucking cum all over you. I'm howling at the moon tonight, boys. That just got me rock hard. Kevin wants to vomit. Kevin, how do you feel right now? You said it right, man.

There you go. When he sits by me, making me feel special. All right, just go on. Oh, man. Close your eyes for this fucking dick-ass meditation. Eyes are closed. If you say a word, and I'm talking to you, fucking Philip at work, sitting in your cubicle, you prick. Stop listening to this.

Czechoslovakian listeners, you can eat my fucking cock and balls. I don't give a shit. How have you gotten worse at this? How have you gotten worse at broadcasting? Czechoslovakia listeners, you can eat my fucking cock and balls. I don't give a shit. How have you gotten worse at this? How have you gotten worse at broadcasting? Czechoslovakia isn't a country anymore. There's Croatia. No, Croatia. Oh, Croatia.

The Croatian sensation. It's the same thing. Say something that will have people want to hear you talk. Everyone, please close your eyes for a meditation of the guy. You're at the Super Bowl. Big ass fucking football player. Big black dude football player. You're fucking throwing the ball down the field.

What are you doing it? You throw the ball down the field and kicking it up in the air and shit. You're getting your whole bullshit off. You see fucking big titted Lorraine in the fucking crowd. Yeah, you're getting your whole bullshit off. You see fucking big-titted Lorraine in the fucking crowd. Yeah, you're getting pumped up. It's the last game. You're playing for the fucking Eagles? Sure. They're not in

the Super Bowl. Seahawks. Say Seahawks. Okay, because they have a black quarterback which would go with this racist analogy. Okay, yeah. Big ass. You got a big ass on you and you fucking throw that ball down the field. Everybody's catching it. Fucking big titted.

Janice is catching the ball. Big ass. Lenara's catching the fucking ball. Lenara's going to let you fucking put bone in. These women are on the football team. They're on the team. It's interesting because Holden's mom's name is Janice. Janice will be holding the ball.

Is your mom's name Janice? Maybe. Itice. Janice will be holding the ball. That'll work. Yeah, dude. Is your mom's name Janice? Maybe. It is Janice McNeely. You just black-faced your mom's name. She fucking wants your fucking gauge. But her college nickname was Spider Box?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What happens next, Holden? Then you fucking get a bunch of cum on you. Let's fucking start this. Oh, okay. Amen. All right, welcome to the round table of gentlemen, everybody. It's a large, raucous house today.

Of course, uh-oh, Jackie's phone is on, so we know she's here. No, it's not. It's not on. I have random alarms that go off. I don't know how to shut them off. That's okay. That'll happen. My name is Jackie Zabrowski. I'm Ed Larson.

Good to see everybody. Good to see you too, Eddie. Eddie, how you doing? I got a cough. You got a cough? I got a cough. Yeah, you're getting better. That's great. You actually sound the healthiest you've ever been. Thank you. I feel good Yeah, but I look bad

You look good, and don't say that about yourself You're very attractive, everyone loves you Holden, I'm not talking to you Holden McNeely on pain, Dane Taganel You are like The eastbound and down character That is like the retarded best friend Of Kenny Powers

Stevie Holden's like really that guy Last night I had a mo-go pie that is like the retarded best friend of Kenny Powers, but like you're real. Stevie. Yeah, but like Holden's like really that guy. Last night I had a mo-go pie. He doesn't even say normal things anymore. Right. He's all done. He's all done. And what a lucky girlfriend you have.

Alright, then who are you? Oh, you're talking to the new king of Vine, Kevin Barnett. He is blowing up Vine. Making it to the people, man. What's happening? He's blowing up Vine. Taking it to the people, bro. He's a regular Tarzan with those Vines. Yeah. Swinging around.

What's happening on Vine? You feel like you're doing well with it? Oh, I just signed up today. Shit's dead, but I'm on there killing it. That's not bad. Yeah, bro. After this, I'm about to blow up on MySpace Comedy, man. Oh, that's going to be big.

Yes. I'll tell you, we have one of the greatest chuckle huts that I think we've had in quite a while. Amber Nelson is here. We've had better recent. Hello. Oh, she's signing.

Amber, don't listen to Holden. Again, he's really, he's been alone for quite a while. Don't hurt my feelings. Is that Chinese or Muppet? Same thing. All right, not appropriate. I don't think that's offensive.

It doesn't matter. I just have to say it. Dan Wilberg. Hi, everyone. And Dan, where can people find you? You can find me on Cave Comedy Radio hosting Two Book Minimum. That's right.

Right in this room. And I actually listened to Two Book Minimum. That's right. Right in this room. And I actually listened to Two Book Minimum, and I'll tell you, I thought it was really interesting the way you talked about things I've never heard of. Yeah, wasn't that nice? It's about books. Yeah, books. Books in general. No one should read, and no one should write. Let's be more of an

auditory. You should do it about magazines. Yeah. Could it be a picture show? What's in more peril? Magazines or books? I think magazines are. So yeah, we should do that. People magazine, man. No one's

reading it enough anymore. Nobody's doing podcasts about slavery and fixing that either. Well, it's done. There was a civil war over it. And that's Henry Sabrowski. Come listen to my new podcast about slavery. It's called

Hey, Hey, Hey, Me Need To Be Paid. Call it slavery. What the fuck happened? Slavery and other things we've all done wrong. How would we have the pyramids, Henry? That's true, man. I forget about that. Keep the slaves. slavery and other things we've all done wrong. How would we have the pyramids, Henry? That's true, man.

Forget about that. Keep the slaves. That was a Jewish slavery situation. It possibly was aliens that created the pyramids. I mean, it was definitely aliens using sound technology. Jews are aliens. That's why they're so smart. That's just Ed Larson there talking, trying to make a joke. As we all do around the world.

He's a Jew. He's allowed to say whatever he wants. He's not. Well, yes. How do you think they got all those exact lines? Math. Jews know math. Asians know math. Not Egyptians, I'll tell you that much.

Why is this happening? Why is what happening? It's built around the world around the same time. And all the different ley lines and power quadrants. We don't even have to get into magic. You're on a time out. I don't know. I don't think he's on a time out. Were there Jews in Mexico?

It doesn't matter. I think so. They're smarter than to go to Mexico. I have a sociology minor. And I am... You're upset? I forget. On behalf of the unemployed, I want to say...

Kevin, do you get paid for your vines? Do I get paid for my vines? Oh, shit. Absolutely not. But that is my future, man. Once they realize I'm the last nigga on Vine. I think you might be the first one. You should make that your name.

Last nigga on Vine. Oh, my goodness. I always like to say, oh, that's not right, but I was laughing so hard there that I couldn't correct you there, Jackie. That is funny. Kevin is the first Kevin Barnett on Vine. All right. I am Ben Kissel. That's even more racist.

No, no. Did Henry say hi? Henry fucking went on about aliens. Yeah, he said hi. Yeah, I talk about slavery. Hell yeah. All right, the whole thing's canceled. It doesn't matter.

Good to have you back, Ed. I didn't get any talks. I missed you. Holden, you got to talk. All right. Marcus, what is the news story today? An opera singer says her career is threatened by flatulence and incontinence after a botched episiestomy done while giving birth causes

her to... Episiestomy? I've never heard of that. Episiotomy. Hey, Kosé, no way. Kosé, next to me, next to this trough, you get episiestomy. Sounds like a porn category on Pornhub or fucking U-Porn or something. Episiotomy.

Episiotomy, yeah. Hey, you don't piss so or something. A piss-e-otomy. A piss-e-otomy. Yeah, a tick-e-notomy. Hey, don't piss so close to me. You're going to piss-e-otomy. Henry's old man joke book coming out next year. 101 Shitty Old Man Jokes. Hell yeah. We'll talk about it on the dance show.

Yeah. Yeah, that'll be great. 40% racist. Do you ever do joke books? Do you ever talk about joke books on your fun little book show? I assure you, we're scraping the bottom of the barrel. So I'll tell you what right now. People love joke books.

So if you want a success in my podcast. Blanch not. Beautiful. If Henry staples it together, I'll have him on the podcast. I swear to God. All right. Would you stop making fun of Dan for reading? It's important that people read.

Ain't no reading here, boy. Ain't no reading here. You should do Braille books for blind listeners. You should have Ed on the show and do menus. The original. He's so good. I like to think it's because he's a chef, not a fat man. All right, well, speaking of fat people who fart a lot, this chick who was singing, she got all 2D.

No physician assessed or repaired the episiotomy, the suit claims. It added, Herbst later began to experience fecal urgency incontinence, including periodic leaking of stool and excessive flatulence when she tried to sing. Oh, God. This sounds like Sony's the fire at this fucking thing. You're gonna fire her, huh? If you run an opera company... She's singing shitting all over the stage. She's doing his Ozzy Osbourne. He's selling out Oscars.

Yeah, that's why they stopped having horses in operas. Every time they start to play... Well, my dog did that. We fucking killed it. You're a mean family, Ed. What was his name? Duke. Amber, you're a singer. You know how to sing very well.

Have you ever sung so well, so powerfully that you lost control of the vowels? Yeah, you do it. It happens. That's why a lot of big houses, they have a bathroom right behind the stage. Isn't that something? of big houses, they have a bathroom right behind the stage. Isn't that something? Yeah, you piss though, but I didn't think you would have the force of like

ass leakage, right? Yeah. Comes out the front and on the back. Working from your diaphragm, you know, you're like pushing with it. Push, push, shit. So it seems like something that you could... Is that how you sing? That's how you sing. I love that song.

The push it off, fuck, something, fucking, yeah. That's fucking great. It might be good for childbirth as well, then. So maybe a lady should sing when giving birth to a kid. I probably will. Yeah. Yeah. My song will be Fuck You.

She's going to marry an Asian. This woman... You never know. That's just fucking striking out at Asian people for no reason. Oh, fuck you. Oh, like it's his name? It's his name. Fuck you.

Then it's fuck you. Either way, he's a wonderful child, and I love your husband, and I love your baby. Have you ever pissed yourself on stage, Amber? Yes. And how was it? It was relieving. I was in a white camisole playing Eurydice. What's a Eurydice?

Eurydice is one of the, it was one of the first times we did it. Wilbur, don't bring your intelligence into the podcast. It's one of the first Seder plays. Yes. It's Euripides. It's Euripides. It's the first thing I ever translated in Greek. Really?

To English, yeah. It's fantastic. I pissed myself on stage doing that play. Do you ever do like words? It's Euripides. It's the first thing I ever translated in Greek. Really? To English, yeah. It's fantastic. I put myself on stage doing that part. Do you ever do like words? We have to beat him up. We have to beat him up. What was the second thing you translated in Greek?

It was Socrates' Apology. Oh my God, man. Wait, I was just going to say, here's the smartest joke I got. It's this woman pissing and shitting and bleeding all over herself. She could still sing the Lucia D. Lammermoor. What's that mean? It's one where she stabs her husband and she comes out in a bleeding dress because she's just been raped and killed this new husband. So shit would be fine. And you fuckers would know it because it's the song that the opera singer sings in the Fifth Element.

The Blue Lady. Oh, I love the Fifth Element. song that the opera singers in the sings in the fifth element the blue what you don't know is that she's supposed to be covered in blood and shit and piss because she just fucking got raped and then killed somebody covered in it I fucking so is that on my own and I rub that all on the TV guys know what I'm talking about

absolutely listen to book you have been sitting I watched you research that on your iPhone. Yeah, that's a good thing. Have you ever had the experience where you're like, oh, I just feel so awake on the subway. I wish I could listen to something to put me to bed. Two book minimum. That's mean. That's not mean.

That's not mean. That's extremely mean. No, come on. Who doesn't love to sleep? Sleep is my favorite thing. Amber, so you pissed yourself on stage. Yeah, yeah, wearing a little white dress. She's so fascinated with it.

That's all you want to hear about. Yeah, it's pretty fascinating because how many people piss themselves on stage, Henry? Read a book. We should go around and read a book. Why am I being yelled at? I don't think there's books about people peeing themselves on stage. Of course there is. Fine about it, Kevin. I'm't think there's books about people peeing themselves on stage. Of course there is.

Fine about it, Kevin. I'm doing it. That's right. And when you were peeing yourself on stage, did you look out to the crowd and picture themselves in their underwear? I mean, how did you deal with it? I just kind of like, well, I was sitting down and I had like a dramatic scene with my father character. I was talking about how much I loved him and he's dead.

I'm talking to his ghost. Yeah. And I just start peeing myself. And was this in the script or just something you improvised? Just something I improvised. and was talking about how much I loved him and he's dead, I'm talking to his ghost and I just start peeing myself. Was this in the script or just something you improvised? Just something I improvised. And then just kind of covered up some stuff around me and then ran to the back and there was like another dress, put that on.

I mean, it wasn't that embarrassing, but it was like I was giving a monologue to my dead dad and then peed myself. Wow. This is erotic. How did people react? I think they were just polite Louisiana audiences. dead dad and then peed myself. Wow. God, this is erotic. This is not stuff. No, it's not. How did people react?

I think they were just polite Louisiana audiences. But they noticed? Do you think the audience noticed that you pissed yourself? They did? Yeah, they had to. Well, she was in a dress that drips to the ground, you know? Yeah. Splash up on the ankles.

And were you mortified at that point or did you go and greet the fans and the crowd after the show? I just kind of stuck around in my dressing room and then just whatever. No one threw diapers at you? Oh man, that would be amazing. But people do weird shit

all the time. There was a girl, I did another play and this girl, me and this other girl were part of a dance team and we had to get flipped up in the air

and she conveniently forgot her panties that day. Oh, I love that one. What a nice girl. I love Louisiana. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that sounds great. That's the kind Oh, I love that one. What a nice girl. I love Louisiana. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that sounds great.

That's the kind of play I want to see. Someone's got bush in it. She might have been shaven. They were a younger generation. What? It just seems very bizarre that Louisiana has these provocative plays where a woman's pussy's exposed.

You're pissing me off. None of this's pussy is exposed. None of this was planned. You accidentally forgot your underwear. Dan, when was the last time you did that? Today. She was trying to show off her pussy. Her name was Lacey and she was Miss Teen Louisiana. They should make my skin shiver with how attractive that sounds. Lacey, Miss Teen Louisiana. I don't want to sit next to Henry anymore. That's what That's what That's what That's what That's what That's what That's what That's what That's what That's what That's what That's what That's what That's what That's what That's what That's what That's what That's what That's what That's what That's what That's what That's what That's what That's what That's what That's what That's what That's what That's what That's what That's what That's what That's what That's what That's what That's what That's what That's what That's what That's what That's what That's what That's what That's what That's what That's what That's what That's what That's what That's what That's what That's what That's what That's what That's what That's what That's what That's what That's what That's what That's what That's what That's what That's what That's what That's what That's what That's what That's what

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That's what That's what That's what That's what That's what That's what That's what That Dan? Like 30. That's crazy. What weird shit did you do? Is that Lacey? I got Lacey.

You looked her up? Oh, fuck yeah. People have been fingered during weird places. Lacey Minchu? Yes, it is. Lacey Minchu? Google Lacey and let's take a look at what this beautiful pussy showing lady looks like. Type in Lacey Minshew Bush hairs.

Let's see. She had a beautiful blonde bush backstage. She did. Gorgeous. Holy Lord. Fit woman. That's great, Amber.

I'm glad you know these people. Yeah. Good job. I'm with Ben now. I forgot my panties. Oh, she's a Saints cheerleader?

Yeah, she's a Saints cheerleader. She's a Saints cheerleader. Get her ass! Bring her to the ground! Oh, she's got a hat with flowers on it. That's so nice. That is nice.

She's at the Derby there, Kentucky Derby. Jackie, you like her? Yeah, she's very attractive. Out of all the ladies that you would like to see pantyless, she's top of the list. Nah! Who's on the top of the list? I don't know, my mother. Oh's top of the list. Who's on the top of the list? I don't know. My mother. Oh, Jesus.

Alright. Marcus, what's... Why did you even say it? Why did you even think it? Why not? I'm not doing it for like... It's like, oh, mom's got a nice bush still. Is it gray?

Is it dark still? Hey, we're speaking to the microphone. That's fucking disgusting. I'm not going to do it all he wants because Holden's mother wants it and she fucking craves it. She rolls around like a fucking street woman. Leave Janice alone. Do you want to play ping pong, Mother Bush? Yeah.

Do that. Get in the hole. Get over the net in the hole. Uh-oh, they're on the table. That's disgusting. What happened with this opera singer who was farting on stage? She's going to be farting and shitting on stage for the rest of her life. She's never getting into the opera ever again.

Let's move to a different farting story, though. We got two farting stories this week. A female high school student who was having sex in the back of a Pennsylvania school bus allegedly struck another pupil in the testicles after the younger onlooker began to laugh and chuckle when she expelled wind during the lewd performance. This news?

This is a news story? She farted while fucking then hit him in the nuts and it made the paper? Well, it made the smoking go. This whole time I've been trying to have a startup business. It's a Thursday night for Ed. Is this that fart-based newspaper, The Daily Bugle?

It's just a big ass with a trumpet hanging out of it. Yeah, I like it. This is news because it was a police blotter type item. And the actual police report, this is what the state trooper who took the whole situation down, this is what he wrote. Did he write his chuckle breaks into the actual description? He wrote, both the victim and the

accused were riding school bus. The accused expelled wind from the vulva during coitus while at the back of the bus. It was a queef. Kevin, you ever have a girl fart when you fucked her or anything like that? Legitimately fart?

Nah, if it did happen, no. She would be gone out of my room and out of my life. Really? Good thing you know. I would like rules. I'm like, I'm weird about farts, man. You don't like them.

I remember one time Mike's girlfriend, it was like, she was like getting into the bed. She was like small. She was short. She was struggling to get into bed. And then she like farted while she was doing it into the bed. She was like small. She was short. She was struggling to get into bed. And then she like farted while she was doing it. And she looked at me like horrified.

And I just stared at her and walked out the room. You shamed her. You never spoke to her again. Yeah, man. You monster. Am I a monster? But you can use that. How short was she that she had trouble getting in the bed?

She was five foot. Oh, I was about to say, is she like a she had trouble getting in the bed? She was five foot. Oh, I was about to say, is she like a baby? How high is your bed? It was high as shit. It was just a bunk bed. You should put a little chair out for her. What? Put a little chair out for her.

That's what my mom does to the dog. Nah, fuck that bitch, man. She farted in the bed. Was it your bed or her bed? Mine, man. And you let her sleep in there and you left? Nah, she, you know, fucking, I don't want to be in that room no more, man. She should have pissed the shit all over your bed.

Yeah, I'd have pissed on your bed. I pissed on a girl's bed one time. I rolled her into it. We woke up the next day and I told her that I cleaned it, I cleaned up the sheets and that she did it and she thought I was the nicest

of all the men. But really, I was mean. Where was she now? Oh, she's doing great. Living in Minnesota. All your stories sound like you're like a Serbian soldier who came back from the war. If a girl farts, though, in front of you, you can then do, I mean, you can use it as a way to fart forever.

You can fart forever, but she'll blow you for a little while longer. Yeah, there was this one time I was fucking this girl. Fucking the shit out of this girl. No, you weren't. I was fucking pounding her. She's like, more of it. Give me fucking more, bitch. Fucking the shit out of this girl. No, you weren't. I was fucking pounding away at her. She was like, more of it. Give me fucking more, bitch.

I'm like, don't call me bitch, bro. I'll keep fucking. And then I was just, and then she sucked my cock. And she was like, just suck it, suck it, suck it. I fucking caved all over her bullshit. That's not a story. That's not a story. That is math.

That is fucking human sexual contact math. Amber, you ever fart in front of a man? And it's fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, of course. It's fine. I do a little like, choo-choo, you know. I mean, I'm not a monster. I just do it like once for a joke.

But if a guy farts in front of you and it's a real stinky fart you're not fucking him that night right I mean just to give Kevin some credit here it is kind of a

disgusting thing no I would still sleep with him hey you fucked the gas out of him you fucked the gas have you ever fucked Doug of course

your boyfriend no I've never fucked him before as he farts waiting for marriage you know Jackie the purest one she wears that shining white dress never fucked him before. As he's waiting for marriage. You know, Jackie, the purest one.

She wears that shining white dress at her wedding. I mean it. Oh, I mean it. Jackie's going to have to wear a brown dress. Egg shell at best. I'm a turd wife. I'm a turd wife. Yeah, the real housewives of Turdy Avenue.

Turdy Avenue is dumb. That's stupid. So you fucked Doug until he farted, Jackie? Yeah. Yeah, man. So he fucking puked all over me. Like a baby. Shake him. I just want to shake him until he gets it all out.

Oh, very interesting. Any hole that he has to. I guess. I don't fart in front of men, though. You don't? You're a lady. Yeah. That's right.

Amber, take some notes here. Nice. Stop looking at Amber like that. Do you always go to, like, pee out the cum, and then you fart? Yeah. When they go to what?

Pee out the cum. Yeah, when they go into the gas station bathroom to splash water on their vagina. But it's just like, when you don't wash your fluid because the water hasn't run in that bathroom for three fucking years.

I think you're putting it in the wrong hole, Ed. Where do you put it? Oh my goodness. You guys don't save it in jars? And I go, oh, don't touch my icing collection. That's right.

Well, you're going to paint the humbles with something. Dan, you've been in a relationship for a while. Any sort of fecal situation? Fart whenever I want, man. Yeah? And that's okay? Yeah. I'll have sex with her every day.

She'll fart all she wants. And it doesn't matter. He's a good man. Are you a butt guy? Do you like to eat that butt? We've all eaten a butt. I love eating ass. I love it.

Eddie, you like it. You don't like it, Amber? Thank you. I want the hemorrhoid in my ass and I don't want a mouth on it. This corner right here. Oh, hold it. I'm sorry.

You're fucking violently disgusting. Thank you. I don't eat ass, man. I've never eaten ass. I've never eaten ass. You've never eaten it, Jackie? No, I don't like that. I mean, but have you had your butt eaten? Doug gets in there. No, no, no, no. It've never eaten ass. You've never eaten it, Jackie? No, I don't like that. I mean, but have you had your buddy eating nuggets in there?

No, no, no, no, no. It was disgusting. I'm out of no business being there, man. Yeah. I'm with you, man. Thank you, Marcus. It's my favorite place to be. I'll sleep there.

Yeah. I mean, it depends on the woman, definitely. Not every woman gets their ass eaten. No, no, no. Yeah, it can't be a taxi driver. No. They're sitting on it all day. Yeah, you can't.

And it's not like after they went for a, they didn't just do a tough mudder. They didn't just run through the mud and do a marathon. Someone showers, you eat a butt. Eat a butt. I agree. And this man knows how to read books. So listen to him. For Christ's sake.

Markita Saad said a long time ago. I eat her butt. The new Wendy in the Wendy commercials. The red-headed gal. I need her butt. The new Wendy in the Wendy commercials. The redhead in jail. I agree with that. That is actually a bad idea because she gets free Wendy's for life. She's shitting a frosty at all times. Haven't we talked about this before?

We want to hate fuck Wendy from the Wendy's commercials. Oh my God. It doesn't matter. You like redheads, don't you? I kind of want to take the progressive girl and cut her fucking skin off. Henry, shut the fuck up. Wait, you stop talking. Yeah, yeah, Flo.

You want to make her skin. I want to make her into a sailboat. Yeah, Flo the sailboat. Or a drum set. What about the Aflac duck? Would you fuck the Aflac duck? No, I'd eat it because it'd be so tasty. I wanted to picture you eating a duck's butt. Kevin, you'll love a gal. What about the Aflac duck? Would you fuck the Aflac duck? No, I'd eat it because it'd be so tissy. I actually agree.

I wanted to picture you eating a duck's butt. Kevin, you'll love a gal. She took a shower, and she desperately wants you to eat her ass. You're not going to do it. No, no ass will be eaten by Kevin Barnett, king of mine. This has been covering for years. All right, all right. Let's move on, then.

Anything else with the story that we were talking about? No, no, no. What was the story, just to refresh the audience? She then. Anything else with the story that we were talking about? No, no, no. What was the story? Just to refresh the audience. She farted. That was the first one. But this was the second one where she queefed. So please, Henry, have some respect.

Queef happens when he's like, especially doing it from behind. You turn around. Yeah. No, queefing happens. Queef's fine. I like queefs. Queefs are cute. Yeah.

It's like a little hamsters in there. That's a good Tumblr for you. Queefsefs. Queefs are cute. It's like a little hamsters in there. That's a good Tumblr for you. Queefs are cute. Queefs are cute. That's Tumblr cute. Yeah, and it's just women getting air pumped in their vaginas and just queefing on gifs. You are vile, Harry. What is wrong with you?

We just did last podcast on the left about Richard Ramirez and you're more disgusting on this show. How is it possible? Because I have to be reasonable on that show. Here I can let my freak flag fly. That's right, it's made of flow skin. No, I only heard that because Dan just farted into the microphone. Did Dan fart into the microphone?

It was very audible in the headphones. I was unbuttoning my pants because I got to pee. Oh, go pee. You heard. Audience at home. Two book minimum. Dan Wilber.

Smartest podcast on the planet. Yeah. Just farted into a microphone. Jesus. You play to your audience. No, I had to fucking unbutton. I'm a chubbier person now. My pants don't fit.

Welcome to the club. I trust you so much more now. When you were all thin and good looking, I was like, who the fuck is this Dan guy? I was never thin and good looking. Yeah, that was the thing. Did you know him? I was born 12 pounds, 11 ounces.

Let's talk about it. Nice. I was bigger than you. Go fuck yourself. You were bigger? Yeah, biggest baby born, 11 ounces. Let's talk about it. Nice. I was bigger than you. Go fuck yourself. You were bigger? Yeah, biggest baby born in Florida. Old news. Everyone knows it.

Oh, man. You were 13 pounds, Eddie. You didn't cover that news story? Did you do that? 14 pounds, 13 and a half ounces. Holy fuck. Yeah, fuck you, bro. I did it.

I gave his mom diabetes. I rescinded it. I'm sorry. Yes. Cut her open, man, from tits to puss. All right. Well, I didn't do that. He came out looking like the twins in Nothing But Trouble.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gobo and Gobo. I got rid of my second face. Yeah. Yeah, he made his mom a Russian doll. Like one of those, like, with all the tiny ones inside of it. Because he's fucking three kids and me right now. His eyeballs were, like, looking out through her eyeballs.

Yeah, he just grew inside of her. Do you think you could get a baby pregnant inside of a pregnant woman? No. I think it's impossible. I'm 100% certain you cannot do that. Yeah, babies having babies. What if you fucked a woman and then the pussy of the baby was lined up with her pussy? It'd have to be a really long dick with a small top.

And the baby would have had to go through puberty already. This is like the stuff like Hitler and Goebbels are talking about. Yeah, and they're like, Mengele, figure it out. He's like, I'll figure it out. And go back to the drawing board. We have to impregnate a baby inside of a woman all the time. Anyway, so... Oh, we're moving on to bird news.

Oh! That's very exciting, man. Take note, I got a plethora of birds on my shirt. Yes, you do. Congratulations, buddy. I'm really happy about it, man. Your clothes have been absolutely remarkably cool lately, Kevin. I've decided to change my life for the better, man.

You know, Kevin Barnett's a new dude. King of Vine you gotta represent. That's great. It's like the flyaway home. Oh yeah, the Anna Paquin on the back. Ooh, I love Anna Paquin. Two white doves that were... And those are some of the jokes you can expect to hear

on Two Book Middle. Two white doves that were released as a peace gesture by children standing alongside Pope Francis were immediately attacked by other birds. This isn't the first time it's happened. This shit's always going down. As tens of thousands of people watched in St. Peter's Square on Sunday, a seagull and a large black crow swept down on the doves after they were set free from an open window. Satan, Satan, Satan.

You know what? This new pope, this fucking nice pope, he can go fuck himself. I think he's a piece of shit. I fucking hate him. He's a deeper agenda than the mean pope. Did you see that fucking faceless man he kissed? He wasn't a faceless man. He was an extra face man.

He had more than a face. If you start doing that, then I'll start believing your lies. You Nazi. You neo-Nazi. What's wrong with the new Pope? He's a liar. He's being nice now in the front.

At least Benedict was evil, so you know he's evil. He's doing even more wicked shit on the inside of the Vatican. I don't think he is. I really don't. What proof? Yes, he is. They were like,

no, the cops came. They were like, it looks like someone's stealing money from the Vatican. And he was like, investigate it. Yeah. And apparently,

but at the same time, he ate this baby's pussy. He ate this baby's pussy. It makes you live longer. He's talking about it. But it makes you live longer. It gives you eternal life. I know that.

That's just regular Pope stuff. He dresses as a pauper and leaves at night and preaches to the poor. He does what nurses do every goddamn day, and people made him seem like Jesus Christ for fucking doing it. Kissing ugly-ass people. Nurses don't live in a golden mansion. They will kiss an ugly... They might, but they take care of the invalid.

They take care of the sick. What's wrong with kissing a bumpy-faced dude? That guy he kissed wasn't even that ugly. Well, his Pope magic didn't do nothing to fix him. That's the goddamn truth. Now the Pope has herpes. Maybe that's why he's not getting assassinated yet, because he has...

Like, if somebody was really in a position of power that was like, hey hey we need to help out poor people and like tithe some of our money. Be cool about the gays. Be cool about the gays. He would be dead immediately but he's not dead. He's got something on somebody. He's got like crypto. I don't know maybe like 5,000 child rape charges

on every fucking priest. Hello. How you doing? That's some of the jokes you can hear on two book minimum. I thought maybe... That was my joke? Oh, never mind. I thought it was kind of funny there, but then I was like, oh, that was a statement, not a joke.

Okay. Yeah, I was hoping we were going to focus on the birds. All right. One dove lost some feathers as it broke free from the gull. But the crow pecked repeatedly at the other dove and it was not clear what happened to the doves

as they flew off. They died. Sure they died. These doves are fucking weak. They're like an accident. Yeah, doves are a shitty bird. Dove is some of the shittiest of all the birds.

But I do enjoy a nice dove. They're messengers. They're the postal service of the birds. It's what Moses used. Not Moses. Noah. of the birds. It's what Moses used. Not Moses. Noah. Pigeons.

It's definitely pigeons. Pigeons are the postal service. Pigeons that would go deliver peaceful messages. Messenger pigeons. Pigeons. Messenger pigeons, man. Doves fly around in John Woo movies. Oh, that's true.

All doves are our food for other bigger birds. I watched a girl step on a dove once at a butterfly farm. It was really funny. Why? On purpose? No, it was an accident. She cried. Why are you that sad?

I know, because she's at a butterfly farm to see like the cutest thing in the world. Yeah, she stepped on a dove. Wait, what's a butterfly farm?

Butterfly farms are so stupid. Yeah, it's Tradewinds Park in Pompano, Florida. Yeah, it's just a room full of butterflies. That sounds wonderful.

It was, it was. They come, they land on your mother, you know, and you guys have a nice time, but then, you know,

sometimes the girl steps on a dove. Did you get paid to go on the butterfly farm? Yeah, yeah, yeah. A come, they land on your mother, you know, and you guys have a nice time. But then, you know, sometimes the girl steps on a dove. Did you get a pay to go on the butterfly farm? Yeah, yeah, yeah. A bunch of money. Oh, my God. How much? I forgot about butterflies. Five dollars?

I was being infested by butterflies. Yo, that used to be my shit. Yeah, they're fun. I need to get a butterfly shirt, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You look good in that. I need a butterfly shirt. That's fine.

Speaking of birds, my neighbors have a rooster, and my downstairs neighbors have a, what do you call it, a parrot. Jesus. They talk? Bird neighbors all day. They're the parrots. Just go, ah! Ah! You got to bring it in there and fucking kill those birds Richard Ramirez style.

Yeah, got to get in there. You should do some bits in front of the bird and have the bird be the funniest stand-up parent bird in the face of the planet. Aw. Because you're so funny. Thanks. Come on, man.

What's happening to you? Why are you... I'm so suspicious of you when you're nice. Yeah. The last couple days, I've been pretty suspicious of you. Why? Something's up.

Something's going on. Did you kill somebody? You're great around the apartment these days. I didn't kill anybody. Tap your fingers together. You didn't fucking kill anybody, man. Did you come into money? Did you kill an old man and take all his money from his safe? No, but I do have a new pair of pants. Alright. Maybe it's the pants.

Maybe it's the pants. Old man pants. Alright, we'll just edit all that out. Yeah, so the birds got killed. Yeah, the birds got killed. Let's move on. Oh, no, no, no. It was a stretch. What do you think? Say it, Dan.

I think it's further proof that fucking intelligent design is correct because these scientists are trying to tell us that birds evolved from fucking dinosaurs but i guess they didn't because they fucking died yeah these doves are fucking dead so we're the raptors but they were killed by other birds other bigger birds yeah because that's the way there's no way out of that circle the devil made dinosaurs and birds and therefore they're all dying and

humans and humans aren't dying. We gotta take this argument. We gotta get you in a plane and send you to the Vatican. You need to stand outside of the Vatican. Let him know. You need to shout this at people in the gift shop. Can he have a megaphone? Humans aren't dying at all. It's just the birds. See with your eyes

what's happening. Oh, that's great. If the devil made dinosaurs, that's just fucking awesome. That'd be so righteous. That would be great. So fucking heavy. Yeah, you go down there and Satan's just riding on a fucking T-Rex. Just like, I'm glad you finally arrived. The T-Rex has got big tits.

Yeah. I love it. He's got leather all over him. Fuck, yeah. Just leather around the tits. Riding in style. Right. Gorgeous, gorgeous leather around the tits. Riding in style. Right. Gorgeous, gorgeous leather.

Hey, Marcus, can I ask real quick, are those fucking Croatians still listening to us or did they fucking get off? They are. They are still listening. No, apparently we had Croatian listeners last week and I want to throw up. Why? What is wrong with you? I can't handle it. I don't need Croatians listening to my words, man.

No one wants, you should be Croatians. I took a Croatian girl to prom one year. There it is. Did you give her a fork? Helen. Oh, man. No one wants... You should be so... I took a Croatian girl to prom one year. There it is. What's her name? What's her name? Helen. Oh, okay. Helen the Croatian.

Does she dig up roots in the backyard and eat it? She was beautiful. I miss you, Helen. Helen's fucking cool, but if it ain't Helen listening to our shit,

then I don't need her bullshit. Why do you hate the Croatians they're just shady they're a bunch of kissels a bunch of kissels

a bunch of kissels well you can hear jokes like that on two book minimums I'll tell you that that is absurd they're also known as croats

it doesn't matter to them frog humans you can call them croats alright if you like croats we call them Asiansats. All right. If you like. Croats.

You can call them Asians. Croats? Croats. Oh, it sounds like something between your ass and your balls. Oh, fuck. Oh, no. I sat on a grape and I got juice all over my croat. Stop.

Wait. Stop sitting on all the grapes. Does Croatia... The grocery store. Where it's Henry. He just did the brody smile. No, sir. No, sir.... The grocery store. He just did the produce aisle. No, sir, no, sir. That's the grapes.

This is the fruit section of the grocery store. God, it was a chair. No, no, those are grapes. Please leave. Oh, well, somebody go check them recliners over in the dairy section. Oh, my God, he's saddened all the eggs. You know, he just sees the world differently. And that's just so important to do.

Be creative. I think it's time for some... Is it time for the segment? No. Not even close. When are we done? Not even close. It's time for Cannibal News.

Yay! I'm your little boy. You're my only friend. I'm so sorry. I hate you, my friend. Yay! I'm your little boy. You're my only friend. I'm so sorry. I hate you, my friend. My only friend. Oh, my goodness.

There are fears of a ghost ship full of diseased cannibal rats could be about to crash into the coast of England. Oh, I heard about this. Yeah. That's what they fucking did to us. They got it coming. What happened? The English sent rats to America on the ships. No, no.

You're thinking of Fievel. You're not thinking of real life. There are no rats in America. The streets are made of cheese. Oh, cats. Fuck! Oh, my God, no! Yep. Yep.

That's right. Bunch of rats in America. God, I wish the streets were made of cheese. That'd be great. So a bunch of ghost rats are on this boat? Cannibal rats. Cannibal. The abandoned Lyubov Orlova has been missing since it cut adrift while being towed from Canada nearly a year ago.

Those searching for the ship say there are likely to be thousands of disease ridden rats on board with no source of food except each other. Just fucking blow it up. Sink it in the ocean. Who gives a shit? Belgian based searcher Pim de Rood said she's floating around there somewhere. There would be a lot of rats and they eat each other.

Oh my, I love it. Hopefully one of those rats has learned how to steer the ship. Well, that would be for the best, yeah. Absolutely. It's like this, they have a little rat democracy, and they're like, fine. A ratocracy to some degree. I think that that sounds fascinating. Of course they're eating each other.

What else are they going to eat on the ship? I want to see the last two rats standing, you know? Oh my God. They just fall in love. You give those to Barack Obama, and now he's got his new rat pets. I mean, what? They just fall in love. You give those to Barack Obama, and now he's got his new rat pets. Again. You're making me say it. What?

But if you say it like that as a point, and you made a point, and you can hear all those points on Two Book Minimum, very good political podcast that you're doing. And why do you hate Obama on your podcast, Two Book Minimum, so much? And you think he's a communist? Well, let me tell you guys about the rhyme of the ancient mariner.

It's a pretty good poem. It's all about rats and ghost shit. Have you ever had an erection? Nope. Nope. Never once. Just eating a girl's butt

and fingering her. Not for you, man. No use for my penis. No use for my penis. No use for my penis. Erections are overrated. Yeah, who needs an erection? How bad would it be? Before the era of gay being an actual thing,

you just didn't get a boner, but you just had to finger pop this girl the whole time. Can we rename Roundtable to Two Book Maximum? Oh, hello. Wow. I'm proud of my podcast. And you should be, because we're not proud of ours. You can call him the Rat Pack.

Jackie, sit in the corner. Obama's rat friends. You failed. Call him the Rat Pack. That's great. That's great. I've been sitting on that one For about two minutes I don't know man

Kevin by the way How do you feel about being on the round table I always feel like you don't admire or hate us What are you talking about man You've got better things to do Well the thing is I don't know if my Vine followers Are going to like this shit I'm here though man

You know what Follow Kevin on Vine If you would Yeah At Fatboy Barnett At Vine Nah it's just Kevin Barnett Just Kevin Barnett

You don't even know Your Vine name King of Vine Don't even know His fucking Doesn't need one The Lord takes care of me man That's very true

Wait a minute I heard that The Lord is huge on Vine Oh yeah He's big What happened to the people on the boat? They all got eaten by rats? No, no, no, the boat just got decommissioned

And then the people who own the boat They were in debt And instead of giving the boat over They just cut it off and let it drift in the sea That's fucking badass But still there are a ton of rats on this ship and they have no idea

where this ship is right now. They're just thinking because of currents, someone has seen it in the past. They started working on currents when this ship would actually arrive and they think that

it could be arriving in Britain any day now. Oh, and I hope it fucking, yeah, I hope those rats run off that goddamn boat and just eat all the Brits. That'd be great. Don't they have submarines?

Send a submarine out. Blow it up. They don't know where it is. It's just full of rats. You don't have to blow it up. That shit's huge. I mean, what do you think, Eddie? You're a rat.

Yeah. You could live in New York City, L.A., Iowa. You're a fucking rat. Right? You were just on a carnival cruise as a matter of fact. It was a carnival? It was a carnival. And you enjoyed being at sea.

I had a great time. So if you're one of these rats, you're having the time of your life fucking whoever you want to fuck. Well, there's no midnight buffet, except it's just all rats. Yeah, they're all eating each other. There's no midnight buffet on the cruise?

Not anymore. What? That's the point of it. You could always eat, but there's no midnight buffet. It was very... I was just sad about it. Go into the experience.

So Ed Larson... Eddie got cast for a commercial for Carnival Cruise. Kind of, yeah. And you worked on the- It's a bunch of Instagram videos. Not as cool as Vine, Kevin. Oh, yeah. Not as cool as Kevin's Vine, anyway.

Yeah, yeah. I was on the cruise, and that was fun. I improved a bunch. It was really- One full week. Yeah, it was a good time. How much shrimp did you eat? As much as I could.

There wasn't that much shrimp offered. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I will have to say. You sound like a king like Louis XIX. I tried to have all the shrimp, but there wasn't enough. Your expectations of this cruise were amazing. They were.

It's like you're going to be fed a buffet at midnight and constantly have shrimp given to you. I went on a bunch of cruises as a kid and they're a little different now. Standard cruise. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it was fine. I had a good time.

It was good. We worked. I couldn't get off the island of Jamaica. I was very sad. And did anybody get that disease? What's it called? The shit where you violate the shit? As a matter of fact,

we were the boat that didn't get it. That was over on Royal Caribbean, those fucking criminals. Oh my God. Amber, your boyfriend, Nick Vanderaan, he worked on a cruise

for a couple of weeks and everyone, what's the name of that disease, the shit disease? Diphtheria? Diphtheria. No,

that's Oregon Trail. No, that, pfft. Collar? Collar? They all got cholera. That's America.

Cholera. Collara. Don't you wish, don't you wish you could go back in time and instead of doing the Boston tea party where we just dump a bunch of fucking tea in a harbor that's ours, we just send a whole ship of rats back to Britain?

That would have been awesome. We got all these rats. It was Canada that set it off. Hell yeah. What I would do now is we take a bunch of rats, give them angel dust, It was Canada that set it off. Hell yeah. What I would do now is... Another reason why Canada's great. We take a bunch of rats, give them angel dust, right? Smoke out the last of these quote-unquote Native Americans, right?

Take all their primo land. I stop you. I have to. We have to get the casinos back. No, they did get them back. These guys, the only place left to get a good midnight buffet. We have to get the casinos back. No, they did get them back. These guys, the only place left to get a good midnight buffet. We have to get these casinos back. They sleep in tents.

It's like they're always living at Bonnaroo. We got to fucking smoke these people out. They don't do that. What's wrong with Bonnaroo? I wish I could live at Bonnaroo. I'm just saying, I'm jealous. You're jealous of the Native Americans. Yeah, they drink all day.

They're gambling all night. They fuck any Pocahontas they come across. Feather-based clothes. Good-ass skin. Yeah. They do look good. They do have good skin. Beautiful women.

Yeah. I love Native Americans. Except when they get old, then they become raisins. As everybody. As everybody does. Everyone sort of prunes out their raisins. Yeah. Something about them becoming raisins.

That's the line you draw? That's the line. You're the catalyst. You just said send them out to sea and fucking have them eat each other. I just said they turn ugly when they get old. I'm talking about manifest destiny. It ain't over. It is over.

The whole country's discovered. It's all discovered. It's the manifest destiny's over. I just can't wait for the Facebook page to be like, where's this week's round table of gentlemen? I can't believe it never came out. That's a hidden episode because Henry

just tanked his whole career. I love carnival cruise lines. Native Americans are in control of the entertainment industry. I've heard that. I've heard that theory. I've heard that rumor. I didn't want to say it. But of course entertainment industry. I've heard that. I've heard that theory. I've heard that rumor. I didn't want to say it.

Yeah. But of course, yeah. It's the Native Americans run Hollywood. Everybody knows it. And this will be the first podcast to expose it. Thank you, Henry. Marcus. We had a Native American substitute teacher.

His name was Mr. Heavyhead. It was not really his name. It was. He had a big ass head. His name was Mr. Heavyhead. It was not really his name. It was. He had a big-ass head, and his name was Mr. Heavyhead. That's just mean. So when Native Americans gave names to the people, they could sometimes be mean. It was probably a big-headed baby, and they were like, oh, your name's Heavyhead. Mr. Heavyhead.

Mr. Heavyhead. It's the worst thing when you have one retarded one born, and call it, oh yeah, his name is Bunkagunko. Kill the retards, I imagine. I'm not very creative. I went to a Catholic school and we had a priest named Father Freeday because we were all just waiting for him to die so we could have the day off. We called him Father Fre Day to his face. Did it ever happen? No, he never died.

He's fucking a million years old. Another reason why priests are fucking living for 130 years is because they're fucking little kids. Yeah, eating baby pussies. Yeah, eating baby pussies. You're going to hear jokes like that on sex and other human activities with Jackie Zabrowski Talks. Yeah, Jackie.

That's a joke about you. Dan said a bad joke, but I made it sound like you said it. All right, Cardigan. He's got a bad cardigan on him. Don't make fun of me. I tried. No, you were amazing. I loved it.

God damn it. What happened, man? You all right? I'm fine. You okay? Me too. No. You let the train go off the rails, man.

I did not. Yeah, you didn't. No, I did. You did hate rails, though, at the same time. Why? Me too. No. You let the train go off the rails, man. I did not. Yeah, you didn't. No, I did. You didn't. I fucking hate rails, though, at the same time. Why? Yeah, fuck rails. Trains can go wherever they want it. That's it. If I was an inventor of trains, I'd say, go free trains. Hear, hear.

You would just cover the whole thing in rails. On my new podcast, Hey, Hey, Hey, Me Needs to be Paid, my slavery podcast. Hey, hey, hey, me needs to be paid my slavery podcast. Go free trade. It's funny because Rebecca Trent, of course, the amazing owner of the Creek in the Cave just greenlit it and it

really exists now. Nine episodes deep. Yep. I can get his back on track. That's good. I want to know, Henry, what do you think Holden's Native American name would be? I don't know. Fucking. Johnny Long Dawn.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Johnny Big Austin. Yeah, slime's too much. What were you saying, Marcus? I was saying I have a story about Mr. Heavyhead. Oh. Yes, I found this. It's from the new monthly magazine in Universal Register.

Here's the story. Now, Mr. Ningcompoop, said Mr. Heavyhead, will you begin? Ninny coughed thrice and pulled his gown upon his shoulder. He then read the passage very fluently, long words and all,

but when he began to construe his fluency, deserted him, and after bungling through the little words, came to a death. Dan, do you know this from your fucking podcast? I've read all the books. Marcus is reading about my teacher. Go ahead, Marcus.

After waiting for a little while, Ninny, to break the dead silence, which was alarming, made a shot and went so near the mark that Mr. Heavyhead, not being certain about the word himself, nodded his head and allowed him to proceed. Is this pornographic? That's the sound of me fucking jerking off. Oh, that was it? Sounds like you're chewing gum. Was that supposed to be erotic?

I'm not sure what it is. I only read the first paragraph, and I didn't read anything before it or after it. Dan, do you know? I'm aroused. I don't know why. He's always hard. What did Mr. Heavy Head teach?

Oh, anything. He was a substitute. Oh. He was very strict. Pain in the ass. Really? My friend Chris Pearson went up to him once. I was like, how do you do?

It was a great joke. Oh. That's so great, man. You got funny friends, man. Everything was funnier in high school. You know what would be fun for your fun little book podcast? It's a great fucking book podcast. He's walking.

We're walking Dan Wilber. Let him know, Dan. That's right. Yell at old Dan. Do you remember those magic eye posters? All those books. We all love them. You should do one on those. Or like Mad Libs. That would be really good. Or Mad Libs because the book changes every time. So you could do a one on those. Or like Mad Libs. That would be really good.

Or Mad Libs because the book changes every time. So you could do like a lot on that. I think it's a man on a bicycle. An hour? Just fucking staring at that? I'll do it. I see the Illuminati. You might see something.

You gotta realize the only thing worse than books is talking about them on the internet. That's who we do. That's who we have our guests on. Dan, I didn't know until today that you were the gayest dude I ever met. Oh, my. Oh, of course. Those are all jokes, Dan.

And everybody loves you. And it's a great show. And check it out. I'm surprised. No, people listen. My buddy Todd listens. Everybody listens to it. I listen. Oh boy. You don't have to do this. I listen so I don't have to

read. I know who I am. You fuck. He's got 95,000 Tumblr followers. We're breaking him down, guys. We're fucking doing it. Teach him to learn the words of our language. He wrote followers. We're breaking him down, guys. We're fucking doing it. That's right. Oh, they don't teach him to learn

the words of our language. He wrote a book for fuck's sake. I know he's a brilliant man. What's the name of your book, Dan?

How Not to Read. Oh, Jesus Christ. That's what it's all about. Just a picture of Ed over and over and over again. Ed just eating

pages of a book. Barbecue sauce. Barbecue sauce. Dip it in your favorite marinara and start nibbling. You should do one on movies like everybody watches movies. All right.

It's better. Jesus Christ, you lucky fucker. Do one on Seinfeld. I just want you guys to know everyone loves Seinfeld. Everyone loves it. I love it.

I'm like a glass of jelly. You can do all sorts. You can do one on Friends. You can do one on friends. I love that episode of Seinfeld. You should do a podcast on that one episode of Seinfeld. The soup. Let's talk about the soup. Guys, I paid to be on this podcast.

I begged people to be on this podcast I sucked Ben Kissel's dick That was just for fun Your mic isn't even plugged in I got blown That's Ben Kissel manipulation Fuck Dan, man. Yep.

You know what, man? Fuck authors, man. They're a dying race. Author as a race is amazing. That's very funny. Well, we are. I mean, they're all fucking, you know. I've been reading a book.

You know what they are. What book are you reading? I'm reading Hell's Angels. Oh, that's nice. The Hunter S. Thompson book. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You want to talk about it? No.

No. Do you want to give Ed it? No. No. Do you want to give Ed notes? It's Cliff, Ed Cliff. It's fucking awesome. Bikers are always like fucking doing bad shit, man. You know what would be fun? If we do it and we just say that we have Hunter S. Thompson's corpse in the fucking studio, that would be a really fun podcast.

There you go. Ed, what do you think of that? Zipper sound going back and forth. Be like, yeah, now he's playing with his dick. Yeah, he's playing with his dick Yeah He's playing with his dick and balls Welcome to Two Book Minimum We're playing with a fucking corpse's dick and balls That's something I'll listen to

And what did you want to have happen to the Native Americans Henry? Send disease rats at them We already did that except it was with blankets And rats actually You can't send disease rats at them. We already did that, except it was with blankets. And rats, actually. You can't send disease rats at the Native Americans, man. They control them. And they play their little flutes.

Yes, absolutely. I guarantee you on that fucking boat there's a Native American dude who's just sitting there just like funneling rats through his wrists. You will all learn the story of my people. And they're all fall asleep from boredom. That's not bad. That's a pretty good impression of a Native American.

It's funny that they all have the same voice. Yes. Hello. Tell me what you do with the rats. I will take the rats to my people, and I will tell them these are yours now, for they are of the land, and the land is of the people. He's good at it.

That's dope, man. He's good at it. I thought I had to shoot him through the heart. I didn't realize just then that Native Americans sound just like Joe Parent. Joe Parent, great stand-up comedian here in New York City. Sexual dynamo. And a sexual dynamo he's been on the show

and I believe he's he's at a late night spot or something like that but if he hasn't he will Joe Pera fucking cardigan wearing Joe Pera

and then I say something about books you guys fucking hate me you're wearing a cardigan and that guy is a sexual demon Joe Pera's got like he chokes himself

while he fucks a woman yeah that's the thing he's a real Bundy type sexual dynamo yes he is absolutely you can listen to past episodes

with Joe Pera and now it's time for a segment from Hope McNeely we're already there we're already there sucking Joe Pera's ass right now Superbowl's coming up

so it's time to suffer through a segment with us we're doing Superbowl commercials Marcus owns a multi-million dollar bunch of fucking through a segment with us. We're doing Super Bowl commercials. Marcus owns a multi-million dollar bunch of fucking slaughterhouses. We have to come up with Super Bowl commercials. What are they called?

What are they called, Marcus? They're called... Slaughterhouse. This is the Roundtable Advertisement Agency. Do you have a note for us for our commercial? The only note that I have is that we're trying to soften our image after the accidents that were, of course,

highly publicized last year that all of you, of course, know about. Yeah, when the people became the sausages. Yeah. So we're trying to soften our image. We had a lot of plants shut down, but I'm really, I'm not ready to give up on slaughterhouses just yet. It's my pet project and my passion project. So I'll

start, I think, an obvious route to go. Super Bowl, commercial, talking animals, and you've got animals, so we're going to go with the talking cow. Yeah, you've got heads of animals, mostly. Exactly, and they're talking about, they're just like,

we're cows, we don't believe in, we don't like rape, and we don't like homicides. Absolutely. He did, though. But between playing his fucking DS. Why? What does that have to do with anything?

I'm sorry. Can I interrupt the segment and just say you're addicted to a child video game? What's a Fire Emblem? Fire Emblem Awakening. Pick it up. I'll street pass your ass. We'll fucking make this happen. Hell yeah.

That's what I'm talking about. For all of our... Dan has a podcast called Two Book Minimum. I love Fire Emblem Awakening. All right, fine. We'll throw the DS in there. I like to cross promote. So it's a game you can play where you take the cows through the slaughterhouse and it shows you the game, shows you how they're nice to them.

They feed them whole grains and stuff. So it'd be kind of a crossing. Nintendo's going to help you promote your product. Oh, I love Nintendo. I know Miyaguchi and Yakumo Han, and they're going to come in and make a DS game for you. Great. And Talking Animal's going to be a talking cow

sitting outside enjoying life, and he just goes like, Mugu Gaipan, we got a Nintendo game coming out. Okay. That last part was... It was the closest thing to a meditation I've ever fucking heard. All right. So I don't even know what the segment is.

Yeah, I'm trying to figure it out. Super Bowl commercial for a slaughterhouse. But it's green. Oh, for a slaughterhouse. Yeah. For a slaughterhouse. But it's green. Oh, I see.

The product is a slaughterhouse. Yes. The commercial is for the Super Bowl. Justin Bieber's brats. Justin Bieber says, buy these brats, and then you fucking buy the brats. That's not bad. Yeah, that's pretty good, actually.

That's not bad. That's the best you've done in like a year. You show a slaughterhouse, and there's all this beef going in one end, and then all this burgers coming out the other, but then there's all this extra shit flowing out of the bottom, like all the bones and shit. Those are known as, those are the, it's called a sluice. And then, okay,

so the sluice, you fucking psycho. It's all this fucking sluice from this goddamn thing. A sluice. Wait, wait, wait. And then, you see the sluice

and you pan over Native American single tier. Yes. Oh. Yes. I'm going to take a pick. Covenant rats. I have one. You ready?

So the commercial for the Salada House would just be Japanese people, right? You start like that. You see some cows and all of a sudden you see a bunch of fucking Japanese people and you go, Japanese people, safe, efficient, Japanese. And then the thing is that people get to realize after that is that they're all fucking ninjas, man. So they got swords, they got the fucking shurikens,

and the thing is about that is you don't have to spend money on ninja outfits because the thing about actual ninjas is no one knew who the fuck they were wearing, man. They were farmers, they were politicians, they were whoever, man. They were just fucking industries, killing shit, and that's how you're going to kill these cows. Japanese people. Oh, wow.

Another amazing one. I like it. I have this idea. So Peyton Manning, it starts off with Peyton Manning. He's asleep on the morning of the Super Bowl. You've mentioned Peyton Manning twice today. I enjoy him.

He's inspiring. Okay. He sold his brother's soul to the devil so he could win one more championship. That's what Henry did with me. Oh, is that right? You look just like Eli. Joe Montana's ghost comes to him while he's asleep. He's very much alive.

His ghost comes to him and hands him a magic football helmet. And he's just like, here's this magic football helmet. Use it wisely. He goes to the slaughterhouse. Peyton Manning's got a construction hat on and a shirt. He's purveying helmet. Use it wisely. He goes to the slaughterhouse. Peyton Manning's got a construction hat on and a shirt. He's purveying the size of the meat. He goes, hmm.

He gathers up a bunch of meat. All the innards, the sausages, the cuts of meat in a big pile. He puts the magic football helmet on it. It turns into a giant moving man made out of moving meat parts. He joins the Broncos. This is where John dies at the end of the movie. He throws the Super Bowl pass. He wins the game-winning touchdown,

the sack of meat. He becomes a huge crowd, right? And then Peyton Manning's so upset, he leads him out to the slums of Mumbai, right? He goes into Mumbai. He takes the helmet off of him. He falls into a big pile of meat, and then the orphans come out of their fucking garbage sewers

and eat the meat. He teaches them to all this free meat. That's like humane. Yeah. Okay. That's nice. Yeah. Again, I don't understand the segment,

and I don't understand anything that people have said. But you're winning, which is crazy. I am Justin Bieber's boss. Give us, Henry, give us a simple, like, what's the slogan at the end? What's it going to say to the people? Hey, sometimes you got to get a bunch of fucking guts and make it a winner. All right.

Sometimes you got to get a bunch of fucking guts and make it a winner. Amber, what do you got? Okay, so we're trying to, like, soften up the slaughterhouses, right? Soften it up. Big budget, Super Bowl commercial. Big budget. I'm thinking about like a bunch of cows on a conveyor belt drinking sleepy time tea with like pillows and blankets

and like hot babes just kind of powdering them up. And then they just go boo, boo, boo, boo, boo, like in the gutter. Chum, chum, chum, chum, chum. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then they just shoot them all. But they're just more importantly like showing them having a nice kind of relaxing time.

Right before death. Yeah, before they go to die. I don't like that shit, man. I like that. I like my cows to hurt. Nigga, they got to be. Are you ready? Yeah, yeah.

Sure, go ahead. All right, so you get a lot of money when it comes to these videos. So you get a bunch of cows and we're going to do the prosthetics on them. Or we'll just do the actual plastic surgery to make them look like the Joker. Like Heath Ledger's the Joker. How is it softening? Because they're smiling. No, no, because they're smiling.

Yeah, let your sister finish. Older brother. It's macabre. No, no, no, they're smiling. Do not be Henry brother right now. Yours had a meat man being eaten by orphans in Mumbai. That's how it ended. They're smiling.

The cows are smiling. But the thing is, you drug up the cows and you put them in positions to make them look like the bad guys. They're the ones blowing the dynamite and killing all the villages in Texas. I like it. They're the ones that are going through and raping the wives. Just put them on a woman.

Have them rape her today. Joker face. Joker face. Joker face. The Joker face is on. Batman comes in. Christian Bale. We get Christian Bale in, and he slowly gets fucking rid of each one. It's just like every commercial is a different kill of a different Joker cow. Batman doesn't kill, though.

No, he's going to fucking kill this time. Well, these are cows. These are cows. He kills non-humanoids. Yes. You're changing canon Batman roles. Who do you think you are? And then in the end it says, you know,

we gotta get rid of the villains. They're gonna go out the way Heath Ledger did anyway. And what an idea it was. And I'll tell you, I'm so happy you thought about it. I like it. I like to argue that the budget for this commercial is ludicrous.

And they'll also say that the budget for mine is next to nothing. We're hiring Japanese people. We've got to pay them nothing. They're almost Chinese. But this is the Super Bowl, baby. Very expensive. Okay, so Ed, you're the last one. I was thinking I'd go a little traditional.

Okay. I was going to go a little traditional. You know, it's like you see your faces of football. You know, Jim Thorpe, Don Shula, Dan Marino, John Offredal, Brian Cox. These are all made up names. Not Jim Thorpe. He's an Indian. I'm just trying to win us back.

And that was good, Ed. That was good, Ed. That was good, Ed. Jim Thorpe, the greatest Native American football player of all time. He only won as well. I love how you tried to win it back by technically using a slur. Whatever. Whatever. And so it's very traditional.

It's like football, America's pastime. Not baseball. It's football. You know, how does football... Is it baseball? No, it's very traditional. It's like football, America's pastime. Not baseball. It's football. You know, how does football... Is it baseball? No, it's not. Not anymore. It's football.

No one goes to fucking baseball games. Who gives a shit? They're boring. It's football. People fucking kill each other. Men die on the field. When they leave the field, they still shoot people. Aaron Hernandez's face, criminal.

You know, it's not like that. Hernandez, yeah. Guilty, guilty, guilty. Guilty, guilty, yeah. And so it's a football continuing tradition with from slaughterhouses are creating new footballs

because footballs are made out of pig skin. Yes, they are. And so then it's just Marcus with, you know, just like his cowman

face makeup on and he's just skin in a pig. Yeah. And he's skin in a pig. Can I be wearing a suit? You can wear whatever you want, Marcus. It's just skinning a pig. Yeah. And he's skinning a pig. Can I be wearing a suit? You can wear whatever you want, Marcus. It's your company.

Thank you. He already shook hands. He already shook hands. I mean, I don't want to I don't want to fuck with your vision. All right,

so Marcus is skinning this pig. He cuts out his eyes, lights it on fire because you've got to burn the hair off of it because you can't have a hairy football. That's true.

Oh, hairy football would be great, though. That's a new product I'm going to be coming out with. It's also a sexual. You talk to Jack Lambert about that. Well, that'll be our next thing of next week, new football. All right, so anyway, Marcus starts... Well, I already have mine, hairy football.

Marcus starts sewing this pig leather together, and then after he's done sewing it, he realizes he's got to inflate it, and so he kisses the pig ever so gently and slowly inflates it. And then as it inflates it says NFL on the side of it. And then it fades out to the Vince Lombardi trophy in New York City and outer space. That's beautiful, man.

I actually agree with you, man. You can have a voiceover, a perfect simple voiceover for that. Like, you don't like slaughterhouses? The fuck, are you gay? We can't even play this goddamn game without slaughterhouses. Oh, my. You're a clear winner, Jesus.

Justin Bieber's brats. No. Justin Bieber's brats. You know, I rarely win. It's just been so nice to win this one. Justin Bieber is broad. Isn't that something? Man, I'll fucking suck the shit out of a Justin Bieber.

All right. Deep throat of broad, shaped like Justin Bieber's tiny, tiny Canadian dick. Marcus, do the whole thing again. No, I want to suck his broad. Okay. Marcus, say that Ed won. Ed wins. Yay!

I won again! I'm the champion today. All right, Jackie Zabrowski, Ed Larson, Holden McNeely. Check out my new podcast, Holden's Heroes. All right, thank you so much for being here. Miss Amber Nelson, Dan Welber. Seriously, listen to his show, Two Book Minimum. It's absolutely fantastic. Two Books Maximum. That's your new podcast, Henry Zabrowski. All right, everyone. I his show, Two Book Minimum. It's absolutely fantastic. Two Books Maximum.

That's your new podcast, Henry Zebrowski. All right, everyone. I'm Ben, and that's Marcus. Facebook fan page. That's right. The Facebook fan page. Follow us on RT of Gentlemen. Oh, and thanks for the dick.

Yeah, thanks for the dick. We could use a pussy now. We've gotten tits. I want just balls. Just balls. All right, so this week, just balls. Next week, just clit, and then we want the hole. Man, I love that dick.

It's hard. And then follow Marcus Parks on Twitter, FatboyBarnett on Twitter. Wait, wait, wait. Kevin, what'd you think of that dick? I didn't need to see a dick, man. That's funny. I knew it was a dick, so I didn't open it. I didn't open it.

I didn't open it. It was a great dick. It was a really nice dick. It was going to be a dick. It was a really nice dick. It was going to be a dick. It fucking comes to my email account. This is an account

about this show. It's professional. It's business. I'm thinking I'm just going to look at the dick. It was a great dick. So congratulations. You made your dick

be seen by Kevin Barnett. I didn't see it. The king of vines. Which is huge. All right, everybody. We'll talk to you soon. And head right over to Dan Wilber. What's your Twitter?

You have to say Twitter. It's at Twitter at Dan Wilber. Cut him off. Forget about it. I have to say Twitter? Also, Amber Smelson. God damn it. I would argue the dick is business, but that's just me.

Yeah. Ask everybody. Amber. Amber Nelson. What do you say to the microphone? Amber Smelson.