The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 182: Don’t Call It An Organ

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

This week on Round Table: a man carrying a AK-47 in a banana costume advertising on behalf of a local gun store is arrested, inbred giraffe parts were fed to lions at a Copenhagen zoo, and a woman is hospitalized after a vagina tightening rod related accident. Joining us today: Nimesh Patel, Tim Dorsch and Tina!

The round table. Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds. Lay down, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table. What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen.

Always civility. Civility. Ben, roll the show. All this should be rolling. Alright, okay. So Mark, now you have to pray. Now I pray? Now you pray, yeah. Alright, everyone, in the name of the Father, and of the Son,

and of the Holy Spirit, Amen. Catholic Jesus. Okay. Perfect Catholic tight- bodied Jesus Just so tight In your fucking belly Your belly's looking good You got a fucking 8 pack don't you Jesus

He's always white Rubbing it all over America You think he was big? Oh my god he had to be big He turned fish into many more fish Is that a thing that big penis people do? He fucked the fish and the fish multiplied because he's Jesus. And Jesus loves to fuck fish.

If I was Jesus, I'd fuck every fish I saw. So I'd like to make a claim. Oh, that's why the Jesus fish. Is this still a prayer? In the name of the Father, Son, and the Holy Spirit. What was the claim? In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen. Amen. Amen.

I just wanted to say hi to Fit Jesus, Sexy Jesus. You know, trying to get my name in there as a possible mate. Yeah, big old fat bloated Jim Morrison Jesus. Oh my God. Well, you don't want to watch the same thing as you. You don't want to, you know. That's why I get all the tight ones. He got lucky dying at 33. We didn't get to see the B-sides.

Next year for me, baby. Yeah, that's right. Welcome to the Roundtable of Gentlemen, everybody. All right, this is an amazing program. Just a real quick up-top. Mr. Marcus Parks is not joining us today. Family issues, and our hearts go out to Mr. Parks, and we miss you, Marcus, and everyone misses you.

And so write something nice to Marcus Parks on the Roundtable of Gentlemen page and tell him that you love him because he's a man. Or you can send a dick pic about him. Don't send a dick pic. Yeah, send him a dick pic. You know what? Don't send it. Thank you, by the way, to the Roundtable for this last week.

Oh, my God. Hold it. Big ass John. It was a good dick. I didn't see it. It was not a good dick. The only one that I knew that saw it was Kevin Barnett because he always clicks on it. So I just want to ask again again, the request has been denied.

Please send just the balls. No, the dick. I love it, man. That was like pink, fleshy shaft. That's disgusting, Jackie. It's fine. Don't send it to Marcus. It was a rod.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we just want ball picks. That's what the deal is? Yeah, just's fine. Don't send it to Marcus. It was a rod. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we just want ball picks. That's what the deal is? I want just the balls. I'm wondering why the round table of gentlemen doesn't want any vagina picks. I asked for clit picks. Sure. Just the clits, though.

We got tits. All right, all right. We got a tit pick. That's how this all started, with tits. So we immediately started asking for tics for some reason. Yeah, well, tics and tits. The logical progression. It goes together.

All right, in the chuckle hut, before we get to the round tables we've got tim dors here hello tim thanks for being here thank you so much for having me guys great canadian fella and our friend he's canadian i'm so sorry that's okay it's not your fault i know uh all right and then tina is here as well our friend tina thanks for being here tina i'm really excited to be here guys all right wonderful and then uh who is everybody else around the round table? We have to do this out of tradition. Jackie Zebrowski, excuse me. Ooh, you're bringing it back.

Excuse me. I'm loving it. That's great. That's my new one, man. And everyone loves it. What was the pig one you used to do? What? What was the piggy one you used to do?

Oink, oink, oink, oink. What was oink, oink, oink, oink? Was it oink, oink, oink? It was just oink, oink. Oink, oink. Was oink, oink just oink-a-bum? It was just oink, oink. Yeah. If I remember it correctly, I think it was just oink, oink. Yeah.

Well, I'll take that. Yeah, yeah, you can have oink, oink. Oink, oink. Oink, oink. He's a piggy. Piggy Larson. Well, oink, oink, Eddie. Hold it, McNeil.

I just want to say what's up to the Holdenators out there. And then they don't respond because they don't exist. They're my fans. Thank you, fans, for loving me. Listen, people, and all you other fucking fans out there. You think you're fucking big, you fucking stinky Croatians.

No, you're talking about the Jackanese. When my fucking horde, when my crude horde is released on your fucking bullshit, we're going to rip you open from limb to limb. My Holdenators are fucking strong, vicious, fucking dirty fuckers. And we're going to smoke some nugs. And we're going to fuck you up, Kissel. Why me? I will release my army of Holdenators upon the world, and you will feel my wrath. What?

You will feel my wrath. Holdenators, rise. Rise. Come to me, my Holdenators. There's going to be worms coming out of dirt. The Holden Nation. Holden's filled with fucking worms. We were talking about this earlier. Oh, do you shit worms? He's sucking on his guts inside of him. The whole nation. The whole nation. Holden's filled with fucking worms. We were talking about this earlier.

Oh, do you shit worms? He's sucking on his guts inside of him. Yeah, that's the thing. If you want to get him to the Holdenator army, too, we got to play jizz and the crackers together, and that's how you get in. And you will lose, and you will eat the jizz. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Holden jizz fast, and he jizz long, and he jizz hard.

Holdenator! No! No one wants to be a Holdenator. Holdenator! No one is a Holdenator. Holdenator! Holdenator! Holdenator!

Holdenator! Holdenator! Holdenator! Holdenator! Holdenator! Holdenator! Holdenator! Holdenator!

Holdenator! Holdenator! Holdenator! Holdenator! Holdenator! Holdenator! Holdenator! Holdenator!

Holdenator! Holdenator! Holdenator! Holdenator! Holdenator! Holdenator! Holdenator! Holdenator!

Holdenator! Holdenator! Holdenator! Holdenator! Holdenator! Holdenator! Holdenator! Holdenator!

Holdenator! Holdenator! Holdenator! Holdenator! Holdenator! Holdenator! Holdenator! Holden No one wants to be a Holdinator. No one is a Holdinator. Do the call. That's the call. I'm not going to eat the jizz. Tina's not eating the jizz. No one's eating the jizz. I'll eat the fucking jizz. Oh, Jackie. Well, then congratulations.

You're the first woman Holdinator. I am not a Holdinator. How fucking dare you? Well, you said eat the jizzy cracker. The first group we're taking on is the fucking Jackanese. We're coming for you. I'm going to take my army of dick pics and we're going to fuck your Holdenators right out to

Kowar, Croatia. So the Jackanese versus the Holdenators. Holdenators destroy her. If you want to eat Holden's cum, you need a knife and a fork. Ladies and gentlemen, go to the round table of gentlemen Facebook page and decide, are you a Jackanese or are you a Holdenator? The war has begun.

My crude horde. It's probably best to just not get involved with either side. I would never. I would never. Are you a Holdenator? The war has begun. My crude horde. It's probably best to just not get involved with either side. I would never. I would never. I'm definitely a sweetie over here. We're faster than the Holdenators. My clan is legion. I would never.

This is a similar debate of heroin versus crack cocaine. Yeah, exactly. They should both be in prison. I take crack. I'm fine. I get the horse. That's just a statement, Jack. All right. Sit in for Kevin Barnett.

We got Nimesh Patel. Thanks for being here, Nimesh. Hey, thanks for having me, guys. Brownest guy I could get on a day notice. Absolutely. That's not bad. Check out Nimesh's show. It's on Mondays at, what's the name of that place you do that show at?

The show is called Broken Comedy at Bar Matchless. Bar Matchless over there. 9 p.m. every Monday night. And I'll tell you, it is always packed. I have never gone to a bad show there. Oh, thank you, man.

It is a good show. What is the way that you said that? You know, it's so disingenuous, bro. With the best shows, people go to a show. All right, I am banned.

Have you sarcasm? Kissel, have you been booked on the show? No, no, no, no. I haven show. All right, I am banned. Have you sarcasm? Kissel, have you been booked on the show? No, no, no, no. I haven't been booked. You have been booked. You've hosted the show. Well, you know, I haven't done it yet, and I can't wait to do it. So if you want to book me tomorrow, that's fine.

This is a very graceful way of asking to do a show. Hey, man, your show is empty all the time, but I'd love to get on sometime if you have time. Whenever you can have me. Thank you. And Kissel is still bleeding, by the way. I know, my finger's bleeding for a while. I cut it on the card. I cut it on the box at Tecate. Opening up a beer box.

That's how sensitive my skin is. You slice it on a Kleenex. Yeah, you're an idiot, Gizl. Thank you, Jackie. You're so fucking dumb to look at and see and smell. All right. Well, it's all fun. I don't miss Marcus at all.

That's one of the greatest insults of all time. Thank you, man. You're an idiot. You're also dumb to look at, see, and smell. Well, that's about all the senses there, isn't it? Right down to the bones. Yep. And he nailed it.

All right, Ben. Holdenators, let us know on Facebook how you Holdenate Ben Kissel. Good. I want. I am ill. I am sick. All right. So, Ben, now you have to give us a news story.

Let's go to our newsman, Ben Parks. Ben number two. Number two. Okay. I just realized I didn't know Ben's last name. Ben, what's your last name? Hosley. Ben.

Now let's go to our newsman, Ben. Ben number one. Number one. Ben number one now. Beaumont police were called to Golden Triangle Tactical Saturday morning after complaints that a man... Read it like you read before. You know, nailed it.

Give me the pressure. I'm with kids on this. You know, nailed it. What? I'm with Kiss on this. You are reading like an illiterate. Okay. Now, Beaumont police heard a call to Golden Triangle Tactical after complaints that a man dressed as a banana was seen holding an AK-47 outside the store. Store owner Derek Poe tells 12 News Saturday the store's grand opening after moving locations from... Oh, wait. I just shouldn't have read that. Oh, I fucked this up. No, you...

All right, hold on. No, Ben, you haven't fucked up a goddamn thing, I'll tell you. What should you read? So essentially, Poe says the man in the banana suit was holding an AK-47 across his back with the barrel pointing down and holding a sign with an arrow pointing towards the store. He said this idea was to attract customers to the store. It worked. That's great. A man in a banana suit holding an AK?

That's a pretty good attraction. I mean, that's Ed's fucking wet dream. Officers temporarily detained the 18-year-old and found he had the rifle with a drum magazine attached with at least a 50-round capacity. Dang. So it was a loaded AK-47. It's a fucking banana clip. I guess that makes sense

for the banana suit. Yeah. He really got into character. So this is a man in a banana suit holding an AK-47. This has got to be like a racist dream

of how to attract President Obama to assassinate him. I suppose so. There was just that goddamn person in the Sochi Olympics. I was just thinking that he's probably the guy with the smallest penis ininate him. I suppose so. There was just that goddamn person in the Sochi Olympics. I was just thinking that he's probably the guy with the smallest penis in the world.

Oh, definitely. He had to dress as a banana and also hold a gun. With a gun. Absolutely. Did he get into a Porsche when he left? That's the next best thing. I don't think he's got enough money for a Porsche. He spent a lot on that fishing.

Man, I tell you what. I'm the proud owner of a banana suit now. You have a banana suit? I have a banana suit. How are you going to eat yourself? Ed does not eat fruits. Fun little joke for you. What are you talking about?

You eat a banana every day? Of course I eat a banana every day. That's not a curse. I don't fucking crap up. Keep some regular, dude. Really? Yeah, bananas are great for you. I try to eat more than one banana a day, actually.

Really? If you eat one banana a day and drink seven glasses of whiskey a day, you're gonna be really happy. Fine, you'll be just like me. You gotta put a bunch of weed in there too. Strong as a banana. No love though. Can't love. Yeah. And you'll never remember the past.

What'd you say? Good one, Ed. And he's on fire. That is sharp. It's that banana whiskey diet. Ed, what's it like to be so fucking on fire? Oh, God. It's just, you know, it's hot.

It's hot. Oh, yeah. Maybe not. He's as cold as ice. Yeah. Now, I know, you know, I talk to Kevin Barnett sometimes about eating bananas, and he's very selfish, self-conscious about eating the banana in public. And it's like, even Obama... I'll tell you what, I rarely

eat a banana in peace. People always make fun of me. Yeah, that's the thing. I mean, you look like a big gorilla, you know. And Obama, he got to... There was the gal there at Sochi. Yeah, the gal that was a very famous Russian Olympian. She was a runner and she put two gold medals and she

was the girl that lit the torch in the opening ceremonies on Friday night. Fuck yeah. And she went on to tweet a picture of Michelle and Barack Obama looking longingly at a banana being held by a white hand. Wow. That was her thing. How powerful

do you have to be? Was it a real picture or was it doctored? No, it was a real picture. It was real. They took the picture. And somebody had a zoom lens and they got a shot of Michelle and Barack and then had a white hand holding a banana in front of their face. It was wagging it to tease them?

Banana selfie or something like that. But Kevin feels self-conscious about eating the banana because obviously the monkey stereotypes and all that ridiculousness. I don't get it. I'd love to be compared to a fucking monkey. I think monkeys... I mean, Eddie, you're compared to an orangutan quite regularly. I don't mind it.

I like it. Yeah. But it's being like Holden's a goddamn lizard or a horse. That's true. Holden monkey. Yeah, a lizard that can lead. And that's why I want to say to the Holdenators out there, if you're feeling lonely and sad, don't fucking kill yourself because I need you in my army.

Send checks to the name of Holden. Turning into the fucking Foot Clan where you just get all these lonely kids. Yeah. What weapons do you use in this army? I just don't even get the army. I see we use big fucker swords. Spray eggs. You spray eggs on people.

We throw eggs at people. You hiss at people. That's it. Yeah, that's the thing. We've got a lot of, we're trying to work on sharpening our claws so we can go short with. Yeah, but you can't sharpen fucking pus. So it's not like a platoon army. It's like a sharks versus jets kind of army.

More of a West Side Story type army. I would say, I would describe it as a forbidden clan. Yeah, they all look like the guy that the Pope kissed. Yeah. Ah, Bumpy. Bumpy Lumps. Bump heads. Yeah, Bumpy Lumps is a holdenator absolutely. Absolutely. Anybody who was pushed into a vat of something

green is in our Miami. At some point in their life. What if they just put their face in a bunch of guacamole because they were obese at a Mexican restaurant? That's okay. Yeah because they were obese at a Mexican restaurant. Yeah, they can join. I'll tell you what, I'm going to be having a screaming party next week. I rented out a gymnasium.

All my whole haters are welcome to come. Put your screaming hats on. We're going to scream the night away. What's the main theme? Who can scream your life away is the theme. It's also an ocean theme. It can scream your life away is the theme. It's also an ocean theme.

Come dressed as a squid or bring your squid, but either way we're going to scream all night. No drinking, no eating, no talking. First guy gets covered in cum. Absolutely. He's the cracker. I mean, honestly, the noise I feel like

will be our strongest weapon. We'll take you down with our screams. I mean, honestly, the noise, I feel like, will be our strongest weapon. Right, right, right. We'll take you down with our screams. I mean, it's fucking aggravating. Yeah, like a sonic boom type situation. Yeah, yeah, and dry humping. And dry humping. All right.

Nimesh, now, I was wondering. You're not even good at wet humping. Well, it always ends up that way. It always starts out like a dry hump, and then it just turns into like a drool swivel. For me, it's the other way around. It always kind of starts as a wet hump, and then it just gets drier and drier. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's the old Kissel technique. Yeah. That's not bad. As soon as they realize what they're having sex with, it just sops it right up. You're not saying good things about yourself. Yeah, the dissatisfaction grows as the minutes tick on. It really grows. Nimesh, you're an Indian fellow, right?

Yeah. Is there anything that you do in public where you're like, I'm living up to a stereotype? Everybody does it, but because I'm doing it, people are like, all Indian people,

they're doing whatever it is you might be doing. Where's Sandals? I think it would be answering this question. Yeah, well, I asked it. That's a good point. I just do math on checks

when the tip comes at a it. That's a good point. I just do math on checks like during the tip when the tip comes at a restaurant. That's great. But other than like people like, I'm like, just give me the fucking check.

I'll do it for you because you guys are retarded. So you own it. So you own it. You look around at a table of white people and you're like, I'll take care of the numbers.

This banana thing is ridiculous. It is ridiculous. Because who, it's like Barnett's joke, like who doesn't like monkeys. Who doesn't like monkeys? Who doesn't like bananas? Everybody likes it.

When did it become a black thing? Why are we okay with the fact that we're associating black people with monkeys? That's the real issue. See, when I think banana, I don't think black. I think monkey. I think that's why it's funny. I don't think black. I just think Barnett looks like a gorilla.

But not in a black sense. In a monkey sense. I actually disagree with the entire statement. He's not here to defend himself. Jackie Zebrowski, KKK spokeswoman. I know she's about to go down the highway in Indiana. I'm trying to say it's fucking about black. She's got a K in her name.

She's got a K in her name. She's got two. All her name. She's got a K in her name. She's got two. All right. Hold the nation. We are Jeconese, if you please. Can you not? For now. I feel like she's tearing us apart.

I know. It's been tough. Nimesh, if someone owes me money, will you call them a bunch and annoy them? Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. I'll tell them my name is Steven from Kansas. Do you find you have better phone skills than the average American? Myself? Yeah.

Yeah, I'm great on the phone. You want me to call somebody? I'm horrible on the phone. Call my family for me. Actually, I just had a call with you where you were telling me that I owed some money on my credit card. That's a good point, Tim. Classic Canadian. Great, great.

Let that go, man. No, no, that was wonderful. Great, great. They're not as good at snowboarding as we are. No, no, that was wonderful. I'll tell you, Nimesh, I swear to God, I had a phone call from you the other day. But I'll tell you, you were just telling me I owed money on my credit card. That's great, Ben. Good work, man. Anyone else?

Anyone else? I'm still bleeding, Kissel. I really hope you're still bleeding. What color are the Croatians? Oh, my goodness. They're white. They're white? No, they're not. They're browner than us.

They're browner than us. They're not browner than us. They're Croatian. Can you Google a Croatian? I want to see what one looks like. I think they're jobs are more square. I want to see what they look like. I want to see Croatians.

Come on. Isn't it enough that you gave him Kevin's spot on the panel? It's fine. We needed to get a black guy in here. Google the Croatian people. I'm a room full of white people. Let's see some of these fuckers. These girls are old.

God, they're hot. God, they're so fucking sexy. I love them. Yeah, they're very white though. Exceptionally white group of people. Hell yeah, Holden. Keep making fun of them. God, they're good looking.

Wow, their women are really good looking. Brown hair. Especially the dead baby that just went by this morning. Yeah. That's a really good looking baby. Oh, yeah. These girls are like the reason. That's a baby that you don't have to spend 75% of your paycheck on.

No, no. That's the baby's genital side. That's not a being to be an aside. That's not Croatia. Marcus needs to turn the filter on sometimes on these things. I got a little racist joke for my whole naders.

Oh, let's hear it. Let's do it later. A Croatian walks into a bar that serves only drinks. Okay. Right? Sure. And he goes to the bartender

and he says, bartender, sir, could I please have a hamburger? You know what the funniest thing is? He's a duck. It's used as a drink. There's no food in the bar, so why would you do that?

Right, right, right, right, right. God damn it. You're going down the toilet. So there's a guy in a banana suit at the AK-47 there, and he wasn't arrested or anything like that. He's just wearing the banana suit. Did he drum up business?

No, he got arrested. Oh, we did. Oh, come on. I mean, he was claiming he was exercising his Second Amendment right. The banana right. The banana right. But no, yeah, he was arrested and later charged with disorderly conduct. Does he work for the place?

I don't think that's disorderly conduct. He wasn't holding the gun at people. He was holding an AK-47. Yeah, but it was pointed down. It was loaded. It was just a people. He was holding an AK-47. Yeah, but it wasn't pointed down. It was loaded. It was just a prop. It was just like... The banana suit's a prop.

The gun's a gun. It's a prop. It's a prop gun. I mean, it's not a real gun. It's only loaded. But, you know, that's for protection. That's how Brandon Lee died. If you're dressed like a banana like that, you're naive.

You know, you're open to being attacked. You get an AK-47. In a banana suit? Yeah. No, you're the safest guy in town if you're in a banana attacked. You get an AK-47. In a banana suit? Yeah. No, you're the safest guy in town if you're in a banana suit. I don't know about that. No one punches the guy. Have you ever heard of a person in a banana suit getting hit?

I've never heard of a story like that. I mean, if I was to pick someone to hit, it would be between a normal person and a guy in a banana suit. But you have a banana suit. You had to. Yeah, it's because I fucking like picking fights. It doesn't matter. I see. I'm more worried about any of the banana suits than anybody else in a banana suit. Yeah, it's because I'm fucking like picking fights. I see. I'm more worried about any in a banana suit

than anybody else in a banana suit. I'm certainly more worried about any man in a banana suit. Who needs a gun when you got a banana suit? Come see me, dude. It does not say what his motivation was. He was trying to drum up business. I mean, but he doesn't work with them. He's not necessarily affiliated.

He's outside a random gun store with a gun in a banana suit. He was just really, really enthusiastic about that. He was trying to get a job. Yeah. He's a go-getter. It's a tough economy out there, maybe. He's a holdinator, and that's what he thought he had to do to be part of the holdinator army. Don't say it.

Don't even say the word. It sounds like burnt flesh when it comes out of your mouth. Well, burnt flesh doesn't speak, does it? Sounds like it smells, you piece of garbage. Oh, yeah. Holdenators, ho! All right. Shout at me.

All right, Ben. Call me and scream at me. Yeah, what's your phone number again? Yeah, 212. Shall we go on to another story? Yeah, let's do one other story or two other ones. So the Copenhagen Zoo decided to go ahead with its predetermined plan to kill one of their own healthy giraffes. Uh-oh.

The reasoning behind the kill was to prevent inbreeding in the zoo's own giraffe population. Makes sense. Gotta kill a giraffe? I mean, you can separate them. The zoo had determined that the best course of action for them was to exterminate the giraffe and then cut up the body and feed it to their lions and other natural predators. Fuck, yeah.

Circle of life. So basically there was only one white trash giraffe in the zoo. That needs to be a show on Nickelodeon. So they just sliced it up? How'd they kill it? The best part though is that this happened to the horror and amazement of zoo visitors as the giraffe's

body part were fed to the animals as onlookers took pictures. How did they know? That looks like a really long neck that he's eating. They should have just let the giraffe in with the lions and then let nature take its place. Yeah, archery, fucking thousand dollars.

Watch this battle at Kruger in real life. You're going to tell the thing, at least process it into like hot dogs or something like that. That's a show in China. That's going on in China right now. I'd watch that shit. Oh, so they shot it. So they walk in,

they shoot the giraffe, drag its body out, fucking chop it up in front of everyone. They're throwing fucking giraffe limbs into the lion pit. This is awesome. But Jackie, what do you think?

Don't you think it's like, it's rude for them to even intervene here. Throw the giraffe in the lion cage and see what happens, right? Don't you think it's rude for them to even intervene here? Throw the giraffe in the lion cage and see what happens, right? Still, at least, it's like they didn't just throw away the carcass. They still used it. Sure. But doesn't that make the lions that are in captivity hungry for giraffes?

Isn't that a problem? It's a bad day. It's a disturbance of the peace. It is. When we were out in L.A., we went to the L.A. Zoo. Remember when they had the, there was a big barricade between the male giraffe and the female giraffe? It was sad. Because I think that she was in heat or whatever.

It was sad. All they wanted to do was be close to the other giraffe. And all they wanted to be close to each other. And so they just had their heads next to each other over this barrier. And it was the saddest. Now imagine one of them getting fucking shot because they were sister and brother. Well, that's fine. Was it a woman giraffe or is it a man giraffe?

We should just do that in the south rather than in the zoo world. It was Copenhagen. They don't fucking have rules. Do animals have retarded children if they fuck their own family? I don't know. It's probably bad. Ben, that is something you could plug into the old Google machine.

Do animals have mentally retarded children? Of course they do. Yeah. I don't know. Those are the ones that get caught and end up in zoos. What if they were afraid that it would be like the first giraffe with a small neck? And they were like, no, kill him. Yeah.

It's a donkey. It's a donkey. It's just a small neck. Yeah. Some short neck giraffe. White tigers are retarded., nice rabbit. White tigers are retarded. Is that right?

White tigers at zoos, it's a big attraction for people because it's very exotic, but... They're retarded? I bet ligers are pretty dumb.

The genetics that it causes so you don't have a white tiger, it makes a lot of them retarded. So there's a lot of very funny pictures on Google

of retarded white tigers. I did not know that. The white tiger in Miami. We talked about this on the show when Andrew came through. It ripped down the zoo and the tiger got loose and killed a bunch of people. That's right. Yes. That was a white tiger?

That was a white tiger. Fucking rock and roll. So if you're visiting the zoo and you see all the humans throwing random giraffe parts into the lion's den, I mean, that's equally as terrifying as just unleashing a giraffe and watching. At the very least, there's some sort of as just unleashing a giraffe and watching, at the very least, there's some sort of anthropological study that can be done watching a giraffe run around and try not to get eaten by lions. This should have been a fucking

pay-per-view event, man. That's the thing. The giraffe could, like, kill, kick a lion. You think the giraffe could beat a lion up? No, no, no. I'm just saying a giraffe could have, like, kicked a lion and would have injured one of the lions. That's probably why they had to kill it. But that's the price you got to pay if you want to eat the damn thing.

You might get hit in the face. The voice of reason over there. I'm very logical, you know. And then you get the money. This just proves that white people take their eugenics real seriously. They don't want to, like, they don't even want giraffes to inbreed. I don't even know what eugenics means. Well, I'll tell you, I got a phone call from Nimesh the other day.

That was whack, man. And he was just asking for my credit card information. All right. So, this is a funny joke. It's not even my job. I was just asking you. Yeah, it's fine. So, animals can be retarded.

Of course animals can be retarded. All right. So, Ben, you found out. Can some animals have some mental deficiencies? They can indeed. Oh, interesting. Developmental defects can occur in any animal.

Two-faced fucking cat and shit like that. Even to humans, guys. You don't see them very often as they usually don't live very long in an ultra-competitive wild This is the thing! Right? They don't live very long. They would have just done the same thing to their fucking mutant giraffe baby.

So why would you do a bigger one and feed more lions? There needs to be a Geraldo Rivera of the animal world when he reported on Cropsey, for example. It's what broke him. He went to the mental institution, he watched all those waterhead babies and he was like, someone's got to save these kids. There needs to be some animal lover out there or some animal

Geraldo. I'll tell you what, man. This giraffe was more valuable to them alive than it was to dead. He could have been cranking out retarded giraffe food for the lions for years and years to come instead of just one feeding. Like a giraffe pez expenser? Yeah, yeah, yeah. De-spenser.

Yeah, except its head doesn't go up and down. It goes left to right. Yeah, but then the giraffes are no more. Then you have no more giraffes. Well, you just buy new ones. I think this is a hard argument because America does not care about retarded people. That's true. So they certainly aren't going to care.

No, no. I care about them. I care about them. They just have to be segregated from me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like the giraffes. Yeah, put them in a fucking pen. Let them go around and headbutt each other.

I don't even know how we've gotten here. Airlift the ice cream in. Have a good time. Don't airlift the ice cream. Well, it've gotten here. Airlines! Airlift the ice cream in and have a good time. Don't airlift the ice cream. Well, it's actually kind of nice to airlift the ice cream in. They would love it.

I just want to see regular giraffes run because it looks like they're running in slow motion. Yeah. They're beautiful. They're majestic creatures. I would love to be fed

to a lion if I, you know, wasn't mentally capable of knowing what was going on. I'll remember that. Yeah, thank you. If I'm ever eventually...

Once the results come back, we'll make sure that your wish is granted. You seen this Lion Whisperer video? No. What's this all about? There's a dude who's like... It's like a 17-minute YouTube clip where he is like the dog whisperer,

but he just chills with lions all day. Oh, one of those lions that's going to rip his fucking face off. Dude, he's been doing it for like 12 years or something. He's a grizzly man. 13. Wait, what? Henry Holden said, have you seen Grizzly Man? Yeah, same guy who did that with bears.

And the bears fucking ate his fucking head. So you think it's just countdown until this dude dies? Absolutely. Exactly. You can't tame a lion. You take the lion. That's what I was saying. I think that lions that are chill with human beings are like retarded lions.

They could be. They're not like normal lions. Normal lions just eat people. Yes. They don't have that killer instinct. Yeah, they're not prisoners. They were born into fucking brothels. Wait, what?

Yes, they were born into brothels. Those lion brothels. Croatian walks into an aquarium. Shut up. Where's the thick? Wait, hold on. You're jumping back. You're jumping back.

No, no, it's different. All right, so where are we? A Croatian has walked into an aquarium. Croatian somehow figures out how to use a door and walks into an aquarium. He's a human who takes like four hours for him to figure out how to open a fucking door. Hot-bodied Jesus slayer. Walks in. He's like, I'm enjoying the fish, huh?

But where's all the lions? Right. Is this the man you want to stand behind, Holden Aiders? The Croatian in the story is Holden. That's what it is. I mean, it is just, it's just getting rough. All right, okay. Okay.

You have to stop. I'm putting a stop to you. You're doing it, Jackie? Yeah, I just put a stop to it. All right, well, whatever Miss Jackie says goes. I guess I just won, right? The Jackanies just won. No, not at all.

Ooh, did the Jackanies. I think that was a swift take. The Holdenators cannot be stopped. The Holdenators are nothing but stopped as soon as they see anything shiny or a video game. I just want to announce that I've now started my own fan group. It's called The Temptations. Oh, that's good. Oh, my goodness.

It's pretty good. Ben, cut his mic. Cut his mic. I can't. Temptations. They're going to be too nice. His mic's been off. It's been off?

Is he even here? No. That's so funny to hear your voice again, you mash. I'm used to hearing you over the phone when you're asking for my credit card information. All right, no, let's go to one. Can we do another new story? Holden, do you want to say something? I can do it later, but I have some more pretty choice Croatian jokes.

Okay, so then do it now. No, no, no. Give me all. You haven't thought of them. Oh, okay. He doesn't have anything. Oh, I see. All right, no. Give me all... You haven't thought of them. Oh, okay. He doesn't have anything. Oh, I see. All right, Ben.

Sexy, blonde-haired, blue-eyed Croatian women fucking thinking Hitler was right, you know? You know what, Ben? Let's just move it on. Let's just move it right along. I didn't like that part. I got the banana story. Recently in China, a young woman accidentally snapped the vagina-tightening rod she was using inside her and had to seek a month long treatment

after she came down with vagina itis. Cervic itis. Vagina itis. Inflammation of the vagina. We have vagina itis.

Is that what it's called? The Asians have the tightest vaginas of all females in the world. It's these rods. So I can't even believe, what kind of whore was this? Oh my. I mean, not a good one.

I mean, she has the tightest vagina. She snapped it. How strong is that? How does a rod tighten your vagina? Can you look up vagina rod? Look up vagina rod. Have you ever gone to a doctor and they have said to you,

you have an Asian vagina? No, no, no. They stuck their fingers up in me like they were fucking sausages. Jackie gets her vagina checked with a turkey leg. It's going to be a good Thanksgiving for the gynecologist family this year because Jackie's coming in the day before. And he's going to look at both. I'll put it in my vagina. Gobble, gobble, kids.

I have to end the Macy's Day parade right now. Tina, has your vagina been compared to an Asian woman's vagina? No, it hasn't. Actually, a friend of mine has. Really? And that's when I've learned about this. I never. This is the truth.

Like a doctor actually told a kid. My friend, who is completely white, went to the doctor. And they told her that she had an Asian vagina. Really? It's like a very like, first of all, it goes. Is it sideways? No, Jackie. I'm not giving that to you.

Yeah, I'm not giving that to you. That was Laura's statement. You're the only one screaming that. I don't want to say it out loud, but yes. And very. It's sideways. It's Silesia. She's a black doctor. Very?

I didn't realize that that would be an appropriate thing to say to somebody. The human Asian vagina. Well, you know, white doctor, white patient. Oh, it's just jokes on the inside. Yeah. Jokes on the inside. I guess it's better than like you have the vagina of like a 10-year-old. You know, your health insurance is from a comedy channel.

Well, then I could say this to you, you know. That's right year old. you know, your health insurance is from a comedy channel. Well, then I could say this to you. That's right. Yeah. Was it a male doctor? It was a female doctor. I don't know if it was a male doctor.

Your vagina's like an Asian vagina. I have to ask you this. Well, she wanted to describe to her like what was going on down there.

And what was going on down there? She squirted out soy sauce and yeah. Really good at math, et cetera, et cetera. Of course, all the stereotypes was going on down there. And what was going on down there? Squirted out soy sauce. Yeah. Really good at math, et cetera, et cetera. Of course, all the stereotypes. Drove really fast and left to Tokyo Drift, shit like that.

Basically what happened was every ex-boyfriend was like, I have really high sodium levels. Oh, I see. MSG, baby, MSG. Oh, okay. I was once told I had a Swiss asshole. Oh, yeah? Okay, now what does your Swiss asshole...

Is it neutral? Different things come out of it. I knew you were going to say that. I see. A screwdriver comes out of it. You can bring it camping. Oh, I thought you meant like it was like Swiss cheese, like you have a bunch of holes up and down your asshole.

I think it's more of what it's like. Yeah, that's probably true. So you would ask what a vagina tightening rod was. As far as I can tell, I found one product called the Magic Stick. It is based on ancient Indonesian medicine

handed down by generations. This product uses... Which is disgusting, by the way. ...the herbs grown on the Indonesian island of Madura. I want a magic stick. It specializes with the natural herbal extract made by science.

It's made by science. It's made by science. The pH value is... It was made and blinded by science. Yeah. That's good there. Hey, Tim, do another one. Was that Tina talking?

I'm sorry. I got confused. It's a newbie. The pH value is slightly acidic for cleansing and tightening the organ. It's non-toxic with no stimulation and no side effects. I don't like this organ term, by the way. It's not a fucking organ. Don't call it an organ.

Don't call a pussy an organ. Yeah, you can't donate that shit. Yeah, no one's getting a pussy replacement surgery. Yeah, it's a call it a nose an organ. That's right. It's not an organ. It's a nose. It's a part of you.

Yeah. It's on the outside. I agree. I can't stick my fingers in your kidney. to nose an organ. That's right. It's not an organ. It's a nose. It's a part of you. Yeah. It's on the outside. I agree. I can't stick my fingers in your kidney. That's an organ. You could if you sliced them open. I tried hard enough. Maybe you're not trying.

Nimesh, what's the stereotype of Indian ladies as far as vaginas go? Is there one? Is it hairy? Is that the thing? I feel like hairy is the only one I've heard. All women have hairy vaginas. No, I know, but I feel like that's the only one I've heard. All women have hairy vaginas. No, I know, but I feel like that's the stereotype. I don't know, really.

I would say hairy. Yeah, hairy. That's the only one I can really think of. Brazilian, right? Well, Brazilian is the big asses. I don't know one negative stereotype about a Brazilian woman. I've never heard one. The stereotypes are all, oh, they'll stab you.

Some of them are dudes. Some of them are dudes. Some of them are dudes. That's right. Okay. Croatia walks onto a golf course with a basketball. Yeah, what happened then? He's like, what? I can't dribble on this.

All right. I can't dribble the ball because he thinks he's supposed to play basketball. Where is he, though? He's on a golf course. He's on a golf course. There's like 18 holes but he's like, I can't fit this in. My basketball doesn't work on a golf course.

I can't fit this ball in this little hole. In the little hole there, yeah. Hole in infinity because you'll never get it in. Right, right, right. That's the Croatians for you. Croatians for you. That is just great. So he's on the golf course with a basketball.

Yeah, he walks on. He gets his tennis shoes or his golf. Yeah, his tennis shoes. He's wearing Air Jordans. And he's wearing a Michael Jordan costume with a mask. Your costume. And he walks on with a fucking basketball. What are you going to do?

People laugh at him. They laugh at him a little bit. He's trying to hit the basketball with a golf club. With a golf club, yeah. He's not going as far as the tiny ball for the Americans and the British people he's playing with. That is good. I think I'm going to get a magic stick for holding. That's what it is.

Oh, my. What's next? Tina, you make a good point. Oh my Alright what's next Keep it Tina I Yeah that's You make a good point I did want to mention That doctor said She would be able To conceive in the future

So Oh good Thank god Yeah Very nice So It's going to be A really good baby

It will be So she just She broke it inside of her That's what happened Is it okay for them To use these things It seems like it She went to the doctor

Like it's kosher Totally yeah I mean I don't think it is Because But how did Cracked inside of her Is it okay for them to use these things? It seems like it. She went to the doctor. Like it's kosher? Totally, yeah. I mean, I don't think it is because it cracked inside of her. I still want to know what it means. It's inside of you, obviously. It breaks. What does it mean it breaks? I just don't understand what it is.

What is it? It's a metal rod you jam in your vagina to make it. How is it tightening? You fucking drill it through. I don't know. It's a plunger. What is that? Herbs from Indonesia.

Herbs? Does the herbs do it? It I don't know. It's a plunger. What is the herbs from Indonesia? What herbs? Does the herbs do it? Science made me. I don't understand how sticking anything in your vagina would make it tighter. Bunch of fucking salt. Everything is fucking tight.

That's how you kill snails. Yeah, but it's not a snail. It's like two snails rubbing against each other with another tiny one on top. Well, it's a vagina. Unless you're like shooting Botox in there,

how is it going to get tighter? Do women Botox their pussy? How is it going to get tighter? Do women Botox their pussies? That's the greatest description of a vagina I've ever heard. Two snails rubbing against each other. With a tiny one on top. Yeah. A triple snail.

Don't get me too horny, Ed. God, I love fucking snails. Then I saw that triple snail. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. Fucking French pussy. Uh-huh. You've been watching too much Olympics.

I hate them all. The French like to steal. Yeah, man. All right. So what do we got here? What's the next story? What are the options? Let's go through some options and we'll choose them.

We have parents force five-year-old to drink grape soda until she dies. Oh, that's interesting. That's a good one. That's a good one. As a five-year-old, I would choose that as the way to die. Yeah, totally. Grape soda? I remember after I had my first grape soda, I got into a fist fight. Really?

Yeah, yeah. I was six years old at the YMCA summer camp. That was vodka in that grape soda. Yeah, I was on a bus. How'd you- He jumped you up? Yeah, some kid punched me in the face vodka in that gray soda. Yeah, I was on a bus. I think he jumped you up. Yeah, some kid punched me in the face because he was older than me, and then I pounded his ass. Why would a boy...

Why'd you have face like that? He knows you. Why would you... What did this dumb shit think he was doing? I don't know, man. You got nothing to lose. You come from nothing. I have no friends.

You're drinking grape soda. I know, so he thought he could pick on me. He didn't realize I was a goddamn fat time bomb. Yeah. What a moron. Who punches a six-year-old Ed Larson in the face except for his father? Come on, you dumb shit. Yeah, I was like, my dad hits me.

This is nothing. You're a boy, boy. And that's why kids should get hit. Yeah, man. I'll tell you a good place to fight is a bus because they got nowhere to go. I mean, I would say... That's a great point. Eddie, you got hit by your father. I got

hit by my father. Nimesh, let's assume you got hit by your father, but the only person who didn't was Holden, and look how he turned out. Daddy loves me, and I love my daddy. Beat your kids. Please. If you're a father, beat them just a little. We'd always have kissing competitions.

Always one. Well, okay. Never mind. Just don't molest them. Next topic. That's horrible. It's okay. He's working it out. They wouldn't kiss each other.

They'd practice on his mother. On his mother. Yeah. It was just. And she was the judge. Yeah, yeah. And then I'd get a good old ass pounding. Did your mom have an Asian vagina?

Do you know? Oh, she had a burgundy vagina. From the... She threw wine on it? Yeah. Her vagina was like smoking cigarettes in a cigarette holder. Exactly, exactly. Me fron.

Her clit has a little fucking hat on. Your mother is a thief. Okay, so another story to debate. We have the actor who played McGruff the Crime Dog gets 16 years for having 1,000 pot plants and a grenade launcher. Let's read this one. I like that. That's a good story, right?

Okay. John R. Morales, who took a bite out of crime as McGruff the Crime Dog. Yeah, he did. I love this. In 2011, was pulled over by police in Texas and found with blueprints for indoor marijuana growing facilities and pot sees in his car. They later found 1,000 pot plants and an arsenal of weaponry, including a grenade launcher. I love this.

What a badass. Just for my own clarity, who is McGruff the Climber? Scruff McGruff. Take a bite out of crime. Yeah, take a bite out of crime. He was very popular, maybe not in Canada, but he was all over the United States. The cartoon dog. He wore a trench coat and a fedora.

He's a very well-known dog. Very famous dog, and this is the guy who plays. Is this the dog that wore a trench coat? Yes. It was a PSA about not doing crime. This is the dog. Yeah, he dressed like a flasher. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like he was on his way to a 3 p.m. matinee movie. Here's who you don't want to show up on your doorstep on Halloween. That guy. A McGruff dog? I feel like, you know, I got a bunch of weed. You got to protect it. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why I bought my AKs. That's right, Eddie. So you had an AK-47

because you had a bunch of weed. Yeah, that's right. And so you had to protect the nog. Yeah, we had bullets all over the house in case there was a gunfight. We just grabbed the bullets while we're fighting. And swords. Do you also have the banana suit as well? No, no, no. The banana suit's new. I got that for Christmas this year. That's not bad. And what a gift it no. The banana suit's new. I got that for Christmas this year.

That's not bad. And what a gift it was. This is possibly the best gift you ever got for Christmas. Did your mother give it to you? No, John Marino gave it to me. My mom bought me a bunch of shit I didn't need. John Marino from Murderfest, of course, ladies and gentlemen. Normal clothes.

A very wonderful, talented actor. This is really amazing to me, though. You know, he's a very, I guess you can never trust an actor, huh? They're always just playing roles. He couldn't have been the only... Was there only one guy that played McGruff? Yeah. I mean, it didn't last for that long. I feel like it only lasted for...

No, Scruff was around for a long time. Like a decade there was a Scruff, right? Absolutely, at least. But that's what I mean, like 10 years, not like 30 years. But yeah, so he must have been the voice of it. It's only one actor. Any clarification here, Ben? Was he the only actor who ever played Scruff?

Perhaps the grenade was to blow himself up because that was the only acting role he ever got. Well, that is kind of sad. Well, if he bought a thousand pot plants, he's got to have some money. Yeah, he's true. Oh, he's got all these commercials. There was like a television show.

I remember I got the magazine. The Scruff McGruff magazine. Yeah, I had a magazine. I didn't realize they made it. Oh, on a scholastic. Yeah. I remember that. Obviously, this guy doesn't give a shit about his acting career because he's got so much weed going on.

He's got a new great career growing weed. Yeah, that's true. It's fucking wonderful. So we can all agree that he should get off on the weed charges, but the grenade launcher is a bit much. I actually think that the weed came

after the acting gig. Oh, definitely. He had to buy the weed with the truck money. This acting gig pigeonholed him into only being that one thing,

and so he didn't have panic attacks. But how can he get into bed and was like, oh, this sounds fucking incredible. It's much better than what I'm wearing. Exactly. Again, I'm new to this country, and I'm not completely 100% of the Constitution, but I believe that it's our right to shoot a grenade at the police if we feel like our rights are being infringed upon.

No, that is never true. They'll just kill you there. It's different. It's a different world. What do Canadians do? No, no. Don't worry about it, Tim. Take a Canadian time out. So what's the deal? This guy's going to do well in prison

or is he going to do bad? Terrible! He scruffed McGruff the crime dog. Can you imagine how poorly a detective does if they get sentenced to prison or a police officer? He's the face of the organization. It's awful. He's getting doggy styled a whole bunch of different kinds of ways.

How long has he been in jail for? 16 fucking years. Get the shit out of here, dude. Is that all pot possession? Or is it mostly the grenade? It's also having illegal weapons as well, though. A grenade launcher. A thousand.

Is Texas real stiff on the pot penalties? Like the distribution? Oh, I think so. Texas is very strict. Right? Because Rick Perry is thinking about legalizing marijuana or decriminalizing marijuana now. I think at this point, they're very, very strict on the whole situation. And they are going to like, yeah, poor guy.

So close to that fucking sweet legal weed. Yeah. Oh, God, I'm so excited. I want it. When's it going to happen for here? Two years, New York City. Two years? You think de Blasio's going to do it?

Yeah, we're going to be fucking cheap and hard. De Blasio's not going to do anything. How long did you, did you ever live in India? No. You never lived there I wonder what the equivalent is Because Scruff McGruff Is such an American

Iconic character There has to be a different There has to be like a No A pelican type person Over in Pakistan A pelican Oh no a bison

Maybe a bison Maybe a bison or something A cow A tiger It would have to be a cow But it does not They can barely get Their fucking plumbing together

They're not going to have a fucking drug campaign. You know those forests in India? They got this chemical plant in India, and it leaks all the chemicals into the river, and then the tigers drink out of the river. And so in this one forest in India, all the tigers are constantly tripping fucking balls. Really? Because all they do is drink this chemical water. And so they put a big fence around the forest, and you can't even walk close to the forest.

So they attack you. You have to wear a mask on the back of your head. They're violently tripping or they're like chilled out. I think it's like 98% of the people who've gone in this forest have fucking died. Really? Yeah, because it could work the other way around where they're just skittish and terrified of human beings

or something like that. No, man, they're aggressive. But they're fucking killers. Yeah, they ask for change and then get mad with it. You don't give it to them. That's what they're killers. Yeah, they ask for change and then get mad with it. You don't give it to them. That's what they're doing. Yeah, exactly. Did you guys read the first ever murder in Molly's history?

The drug Molly was this last week. A guy at a nightclub was stripping nuts off of Molly, saw a guy talking to a girl he wanted to bang, and he shot him. Well, he was a lunatic. He would have killed her. Yeah, that's not Molly, man. No, it's not Molly, but he did it well on Molly. What the fuck does that look like?

Did that happen here? It happened here. How mad must this guy have been in regular life? Maybe he loved his gun too much. Yeah, maybe. He was so in love with his gun, he wanted his gun to get some exercise because his gun's got to be free. I feel like we're dealing with an internal monologue here from the college days.

A gun's no good if it goes into sleep all the time. That's true though You do start to give emotions To inanimate objects When you're like I love you so much Mr. Gun Pick somebody

Pick someone It's so funny I won't pick the person Talking to your girlfriend Oh really Mr. Gun Better listen to it I fucking hate it. It's so funny.

It's not even a story. I just fell in love with a chair one time tripping on mushrooms, and I thanked it for like 10 minutes for all the work that it does. Yeah, you just call it. Chairs are amazing if you're tripping nuts and you just think about all they've done. I mean, the floor does a lot of work when you're around. Come on. I'll tell you what that is.

That's great. What's our next issue in the news? We don'll tell you what that is. That's great. What's our next issue? You know, I mean, it doesn't... We don't cut you off, sweetheart. You're our fucking guest. You keep telling him to move on. Who's the fucking host of this show? I don't know. You're all fucking done with this.

I just didn't think the audience would want to hear about chairs. You don't know anything about the audience. Yeah, you have no idea. You've never done the show or listened to it. What the fuck is wrong with you? Who comes on the show and starts trying to dictate it? Jesus. Second worst teen

I've ever known. Word. First one got killed for being a bitch. People love hearing about that. Well, honestly, I begged her not to say that. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. But you probably asked real politely. Exactly. Please don't say it. All right. All right. Oh, my God.

First time ever yelled at a guest. Calm it down. All right. All right. Let me all tell you a story about when I was talking

to Dimash on the phone. Oh, God. I wanted nothing but my credit card information. I think it's time for a Croatian joke. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, please. Please. These are the best.

They are the best. Croatian wants to play checkers. Uh-huh. What happens next? And so he gets it. She's a ladders board. Uh-huh. To play. That's a ladders board. Uh-huh. No, he's.

That's actually the best one yet. And he's trying to move the pieces. And he can't do it, right? Because it's just fucking ladders and chutes. He's like, how do you check, mate? It's so fucking stupid. It's beautiful, though. God, I want to be inside every Croatian.

Fuck it, man. Yeah, you could fuck them while they're asleep. Oh, my God. I'm going to have sex with a lot of things when they're asleep. The whole denator count to zero begins. All right, all right. The whole denator army where you act. They don't exist.

All rapists. That's the good thing about frostbite is that once they get it, you can't tell when they're getting fucked. Yeah. Or a a joke. Get it at the... I really... That was funny.

All right, what is this? Thank you, Jackie. Thank you. I've been with this big chick too. How are you guys going to feel when we both hang ourselves at the end? No, Tina, don't hang yourself. Don't hang yourself. You're a beautiful woman.

You don't have any rope. You're the prettiest woman. Leave her alone. Leave her alone. Leave her alone. It would be a waste of rope. What are you talking about? We lost her. I like what they did to the rope.

All right. Jesus Christ. She grew up in the fucking early 90s. She's always suicidal. Leave her alone. Shut up. All right. So, Ben, let's do one more news story before you have to be Marcus for Holden's little game that he plays.

Okay. I love the little game that we play. That's after the recording though, right? It's called Holden's Not Talking to Me. I'm going to leave during Holden's little game. He's going to lick on your chest. A woman has been jailed for trolling herself after she unleashed

a year of vile abuse at her own Facebook account. Okay, so she trolled herself. Yes. And she was mean to herself. She was mean to herself. Well, show them the picture. Well, we just found the craziest person in the world. I agree with that. Yeah, look at this fucking... Holy Lord! This is the person in question who's being... She shouldn't troll herself.

Oh my God. She looks like... What's that green... Dookie, the Green Day video. Remember? Was it the one where they're in the insane asylum? I know you're trying to identify with me right now, but I don't remember that. Basket case! She looks like a character from the...

Yeah, totally. Yeah, except she's 10 hundred pounds. Jesus. So she had claimed to have suffered from a torrent of sexual taunts that came from members of her own family. However, it turned out these were all from accounts she had set up herself as part of a year-long vendetta against her father and new stepmother. I like this. I actually like, I respect this. No, you can't respect this.

This is rough. This is theater, right? It's not theater. I think it's theater. She set up two... Who were the names in the accounts? It was the father and the stepmother? It was the father and the new stepmother.

Yeah, Auntie Gruel and, you know, Uncle... Yeah, Daddy Diddlewinks or whatever. She's like a living lifetime movie. She is. I mean, I think there's a certain creativity here that goes in with bashing your own self on Facebook. Do they have any examples of what she said to herself? She should just become a stand-up.

Yes, that is probably true. If you want to do this, be a stand-up. The audience will do it for her. They don't have any examples. She is fucking horrible, though. I'm glad she was doing something wrong because we needed another reason to yell at this bitch. Do you get arrested for that? What happened?

She got arrested for it, and I think she's actually facing the police. She contacted the police to complain about the abuse, which then led, yeah, exactly, which led to these family members being arrested.

Yeah, and they immediately found out, no, these all have your email address attached to them. So we're just going to arrest you for bothering us. This is her name one,

her name two at gmail.com. We'd like to put you in handcuffs, but we're going to have to use a goddamn piano wire. Very unpleasant and sexual nature. Read that sentence, Ben. Handcuff her fingers together. Well, these profiles she created on behalf of her family members. Over the course of the next year, she trolled herself and sent messages of a very unpleasant sexual nature to her own account.

So she was pretending to be your father, sending nothing but saucy messages to her. That's disgusting, right? She just can't get the play. It's so goddamn hot. It is hot. Jackie, what would you send if you had to go on Facebook and have a message sent from, you wrote it, but it's technically from your father, and what do you want your father to tell you that's really going to get you hot?

I wouldn't fucking do that because I would say, Daddy, fuck me, and he'd fuck the shit out of me. Oh, you don't have to. In real life. Yeah, because they respect each other in the Zabrowski family. They respect each other. There's respect. Yeah, that's love.

There's legitimate respect. I just think, yeah, it's sad she didn't have the confidence to say, Daddy, fuck me while step-mommy watches. And it's like, if she had that confidence, then this would be a close and shut kiss. That's the first rule of that. You've got to have confidence for that. Yeah, or at least take the chair leg out of your vagina for two seconds and, you know. Hey, that's a tightening rod.

Yeah, it could be. No, my goodness, this woman could use one, yeah. Oh, Lord. Another way to look at it. She looks like she has to maybe... What do you call it? 58-pound head. Baby powder your chin.

What do you call it? Lose 200 pounds? A Croatian shaving cream. Yes, a Croatian. But she looks like she needs to have baby powder underneath the chin so when it rubs against her neck, it doesn't shave, right? This is how big this woman is. I'm going to just fuck her neck.

Croatian shaving cream. Jackie, has anybody ever fucked you in the other part how big this woman is. I'm going to just fuck her neck, though. Oh, Croatian saving grace. Jackie, has anybody ever fucked you in any other part of your body? No. She has a fucking nose and a pork shoulder. She does have a pork shoulder of a fucking nose.

No one's ever fucked you other than your vagina? No, I have to wait until after I have a baby so I have enough of a fold so that they can fuck my folds. But you have, right, Kizil? Well, I've done it to myself.

Men fuck your folds all the time. Oh, yeah, definitely. I love it. What was her, like, Gizel? Well, I've done it to myself. Men fucking fools all the time. Oh, yeah, definitely. I love it. What was her, like, from the legal system, what was her... What is the technical crime here? I guess it's reporting... No, it's for reporting to police. Right.

So it's a false crime. That's a false crime. Yeah. I guarantee you that somebody in this family works at Walmart. Have you ever done anything like this, Tina? You ever made a fake account to get attention of your parents? I've never made a fake account. Not yet.

No, not yet. Soon. Maybe. It's coming to that. I guess it makes sense. As my life gets worse and worse, as I get older and older, yes, soon. That's a good idea. In about two years.

But the real question is, have you ever worn an aqua sweatshirt like she has? That's not... No, not yet. Is it aqua? That's a fucking pool cover, bro. Yeah. That is a pool cover. All right, she's a larger girl.

We all know that. That's my accident. Yeah. An outdoor swimming pool. It's not bad. Just a kid diving into an empty pool. That's like one of those pool warmer tarps she just put on. She's got a coat made of goddamn walrus skin.

It's not bad. Look at her fucking face. Goddamn walrus. Damn, Ed. She's brilliant. I hate this unhappy bitch. Ed sees a lot of himself in this lady. That's the real problem problem Ed's just having

Flesh bags That's a better effect He's having a seizure I'm gonna have My fucking I gotta go I sent my Messengers

I don't know Is it crying I am not certain That that woman Isn't you without a beard I am really not sure We'll put that On the Facebook page

Ben don't forget To put that picture on the Facebook page. My eyes aren't that swollen under my fucking head. All right, that's true. And the hair is fuller as well. Yes. Her eyes are two feet away from the front of her cheeks. That's a good point.

Yeah. It's got quite a distance to go. It's a real marathon there. I'm sure they would die when they got to the chin. Like the original man who ran the marathon. There's a fucking cliff. Yeah. They're trying to become men in some Indian tribe or some African tribe

that jump down there and break their legs and stuff. He's been talking to himself for the past two minutes. Yeah. Alright, so let's do a segment from Holden McNail. It's time for a segment from Holden McNail. Holdenators, you know what time it is.

No. No. So the segment this week is, I guess, Ben and not me, even though I wanted to be the first. Me, Ben? Ben Hostman? No, Ben number one. Ben number one.

How am I Ben number two? Has multiple millions of dollars. Okay. And it is up to him to decide where the next Winter Olympic Games will be in four years. Oh, impress me. Ben needs to have us

pitch to him where it's going to be and he's going to choose one of us. Aren't you fucking Ben? That's right. And we're going to talk about where it's going to be

and what the opening ceremony is going to be. So for me, I think I'll have the Winter Olympics in 2018 in a little place called Croatia. And the opening ceremony will be a guy in dance shoes with other not sports things.

So he's reading a play. He's doing Shakespeare. And he lights the torch with water. Because he doesn't know. Does he light the torch, or he just gets it all wet? He just gets it all wet. He don't do it. He don't do it.

It don't work. It's all wet. That was good. That was good. That's it? All right. Nimesh, it's your turn. I don't even understand what that was.

So it's in Croatian. The guy puts water on the plate. There's no opening ceremony. He puts the water on the torch. They came and started it. That's was. So it's in Croatia and the guy puts water on the plate. There's no opening ceremony. That's it. So it's just bad. It's just bad opening ceremony. Everyone just has to go back home. Everyone has to go back home.

Everyone goes. Because they're too dumb to do the Olympics. To do the Olympics. Sure. Okay. All right. Nimesh? My 2018 Winter Olympics are somewhere, some province in China.

And the opening ceremony is women representatives from each country have to use vagina-tightening rods, and whoever snaps the rod first gets to light the torch and begin the Winter Olympics. That's good. Oh, I like that one. That's really good. I like that one.

Smash for the win. Yeah. All right. Tim, do you want to say something? You just want to skip over yourself? Yeah, I can't do it. You have to do it. I will go in a different order than that.

All right, fine. I would think that my dream would be that the next Winter Olympics would be held in Toronto. Okay. They've been there. This is going to be real soon. They've been there. We're just there. Do something like that.

He wants it again. He agrees. Oh, what the fuck is the difference? Are you kidding me? How do you get a Canadian man? I don't even, we just did it. How do you get a Canadian man to confuse Toronto with Vancouver? Oh, there's a bunch of differences now.

All you Americans. Oh, my God, it's the same thing. All right, okay. It is the same fucking thing. You fucksuckers. All right. Okay. It is the same fucking thing. All you cocksuckers. All right. Whatever. This is a short train ride away.

He said cocksuckers. This is adorable. It's so funny. You're cocksuckers. Canadian, can you swear more? Tim, just say something funny. Say something. Ben Kissel, you are a motherfucking cocksucker.

He even sounded nice when he said it. He did. He did. He sounded nice. Can you just say you're a ballad of a cocksucker? He said it while

he was giving him $20. But I was Canadian when he was like 18. I am offended. I've never been so hurt. I don't like it. Big Kissel, you can suck

my motherfucking cock. Please and thank you. He said that while sucking Big Kissel, you're going to suck my motherfucking cock. Please and thank you. He said that while sucking Big Kissel's cock. I won the Olympics in Toronto because, you know, it is the only city in the world, I believe, that has a mayor that smokes crack openly. What's the opening ceremony, though? Is he going to smoke crack at the opening ceremony?

Ooh, with the torch. With the torch. Well, yeah, I think that guy runs off and lights the torch, and it's just like... It's a crack rock for a torch? Ooh, can I go with... I want Tim's idea. There's like a whole thing, and maybe there's like $10 worth of crack in that thing. That's enough to be high in the whole thing.

In Canada, crack's much cheaper. All right, so we got Rob Ford lighting a crack rock for a torch in Toronto. I'm into it. That's a great idea. Thank you so much, gentlemen. All right, Jax, Ed. I don't understand why any Winter Olympics is not in Antarctica. I think that they should all be there.

You want to fucking do winter? Take it to the end of the fucking world. Take it there, man. I think that it should be just a trek for everyone to get there and then you get there and everyone has to give a sacrifice from their country, opening ceremonies,

fucking slice their throat. Yeah, human sacrifice. Wow. Yeah, of every country. Then it's fair and equal and you get someone that can actually survive in Antarctica

to kill those people because they've been wishing and kill somebody. So all the Olympians are going to get murdered? No, not the Olympians. They choose to get a homeless person or find someone from their country. Yeah, yeah, get a prisoner.

Someone's just going to kill themselves anyway. You want to do the most dangerous game. Yeah, yeah, yeah. America will probably use this big woman. Oh, all right. As the sled, yeah. No one will miss her. And you do that and you put on a big show.

Imagine blood splattered all over the snow. You stab her in the heart with a fucking pier. Yeah, there you go. And you can't light the light because it's too fucking cold. So you just fucking spray blood all over it and, you know, give up your shit, man. In Antarctica, always and forever, fuck Saatchi. Wow. Fuck Saatchi in Russia.

Yeah. Fuck Saatchi. I love the Olympics, though. I love the Olympics. Yeah, fuck Saatchi. Wow. Fuck Saatchi in Russia. Yeah. Fuck Saatchi. I love the Olympics, though. I love the Olympics. Yeah, the Olympics are great. I do love the Olympics. Ben, do you want to go? Sure.

Let's see. Opening ceremony. Where, though? Transylvania. Transylvania. Yeah, it hasn't existed yet. Transylvania has not had a good Olympics. Let's do a summer Olympics.

I don't know. Yeah, Let's do a summer Olympics. I don't know. Yeah, let's do a summer Olympics, and I guess it'll all just, I don't even know, maybe just a bunch of, let's do fat, ugly vampires, and they run the whole thing, and they're chubby, and no one wants to look at them, but they're putting on the whole charade. What are they doing? Are they dancing? They're just walking around, and they're scoping around for blood.

So much of fat vampires walking around. There's no room for, like, big sports in Transylvania. No, no. No sport Olympics. There are no sports in my Olympics. It would all be about, like, who sucked the most blood

and what type. Exactly. That's right. So they'll all just... Big old fat vampires walking around. But they're still figure skating, though. But they're fat vampires walking around. But they're still figure skating though. But they're still on skates. But they're still on skates.

And really tiny puns on the top of their heads. So think about that. They're fucking stuck in their feet and they can't get them off. Well no one's found Transylvania because there's no food there guys. But a bunch of blood. So like a Transylvania Olympic Games and everything is just covered in blood. It's very similar to a normal opening ceremony,

but the audience gets splashed with blood like a nice old Gallagher concert or some sort of early Alice Cooper show. I think it would be nice to have Gallagher open for the Olympics to just be smashing pumpkins made with blood sacks in the pumpkins. I like it. So you've got pumpkin guts, you've got blood flying all over everybody, you've got Nike swoosh going on. all over everybody, you got Nike swoosh going on.

Always Nike swoosh. Always Nike swoosh. Why didn't Gallagher ever do that? You have to swoosh. I don't know why he did that. Gallagher shouldn't talk about Sage at all.

I feel like the Nike swoosh for a translation. That's fine, you can talk about Sage, it's fine, I love Sage. Jackie, what do you mean?

I just want to throw a quick shout out to Sage, man. Congratulations, buddy. I love you so much. He is an American gold winning snowboarder. Slope style.

His full name is Sage. His first name is Sage. He's got a beautiful blonde lock, probably. And he did tricks people had never seen before. And when they interviewed him, he's like, you know, man, I blacked out while I was up there. I just made it up. I did a 10-60 Japan, man, I like blacked out while I was up there. I just made it up. I did a 10-60 Japan and then I just blacked out for the rest of it. Look up Sage, whatever his last name is.

He's won the gold. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He is an Adonis. Beautiful. Is he bigger than the red-headed fella? Sean White. I mean, he's taken over. Sean White.

He's filling the vacuum. Sean White is a douchebag. No, he's not. He's fine. I mean, compared to Sage. He's a douchebag. No, he's not. He's fine. Compared to Sage. Sage is... He's an adorable douchebag, though. Can we all agree on that?

Exactly. And he has a first and a last name. Sean White looks like Mask. He's got red hair, Ed. He's got a big crooked head. He looks like the fucking Cher's returning kid. Leave him alone.

I hear where you're coming from, but he's like Mask's good-looking brother. He's got a fucking... Oh, you're talking about the Cher movie, Mask? Yeah. Oh, come on. Leave him alone.

No, no. He's definitely Mask's good-looking brother. His head's the size of a church front door. Well, and who doesn't want to go to church? All right. Ed didn't go yet. Who doesn't want that huge front door in their vagina? Tina, okay, this is...

Come here. Give me your microphone. You just have to... No, hold it. You've been too mean. He doesn't want that huge front door in their vagina. Come here. Give me your microphone. Holden, you've been too mean. You've been too mean. Holden, you mean? Okay, defend Sage. Okay, look, this guy Sage.

Canada sucked in the snowboarding. Yeah, they like, is he Canadian? No, he's American, baby. Go! He is a blonde, beautiful man that is just an Adonis. And he went up there. All right, you're done. Give me all these microphones. His microphones.

All right. I'm holding all the microphones. You're not allowed to do that, Kissel. I'm doing it. Ed, give your final statement. All right, so I'm just going to have to. I'm going to go one up on Jackie. I'm sorry, sweetheart.

You can't fucking one up me. Yeah, we're going to go to Mars. You fucking piece up me. Yeah, we're going to go to Mars. Oh, well. You fucking piece of shit. Get good luck in the future, bed number one. So basically, we're going to go over to Mars because Mars is so fucking cold. We want everyone to die and everything. And it's got to be real intense.

We got to bring up viewership. Right now, no one's watching. It's just stupid people doing snow tricks. We're watching. Today, I watched people walk in the snow for a goddamn day and a half. It's hard. It's so stupid, though. They're just marching through the snow.

I want to see them marching through Mars. And you know what? Last person in every race, you're going to fucking lift up their space helmet and their eyes are going to pop out of their goddamn head. That's pretty good. And we're going to have a total recall death every goddamn match. All right? Thank you.

That's pretty great. Mars 2018 opening ceremony, spacesuits. All right? We're going out. We got people going nuts. We're launching in there. I got rovers. I got a girl on a rover, on a Sibian rover.

She's just going. Thank you. Can't compete with that. She's just going. She's just going. She's just going. It's the most time somebody was honest. It's a boot time.

She's coming all over the place. Oh, yeah. It's the most common if somebody was honest. It's a boot time. Yeah, she's calming all over the place. I'm sorry. Calming so hard and it's so cold that her calm mixed with the ice of Mars creates fire.

And then a stream of fire comes out. You ever seen Nightmare on Elm Street 4? Yeah. Where the dog pisses fire? That's what it's going to look like when this girl's

open on the goddamn simian lighting the torch that's brought to Mars by goddamn Richard Branson. This whole thing's sponsored by Richard Branson. Okay. All right. There's money behind it.

I have one question. Yeah, ask a million questions. I got the answers. Will Croatians be allowed to- Croatians are always allowed because they're so beautiful and perfect. I might even make a Croatian- Dan, write that down. Ben, write it down.

All right. Get it done. I love Croatians. All right. So, Ben, now you have a very tough decision to make. It's a very tough choice to make. I feel like I'm interested to see what a vagina tightening rod kind of ceremony would look like. Fantastic and devastating.

I do want to see human murders take place in Antarctica. Who doesn't? As an opening ceremony. Who doesn't? That seems like just a great place to have that happen. But I'm going to have to go with Mr. Ed Larson on Mars. I mean, it's understandable. It was a clear win. But everyone gets hot dogs, too.

Oh, that's great. Everyone gets hot dogs right now. Everyone gets hot dogs right now. You would have just said that. I'd feed on my own. Please. They're in New Jersey and everybody gets hot dogs. Ed Larson.

And Eddie, I counted. This is your 50th win. Really? Ed Larson's 50th win. What does he get? You have more than that? I definitely got more than that. Well, I made up the numbers.

So you could have less or you could have more. I definitely got more than 50. Why are you upset? I'm giving a shout out to Marcus. We love you, Marcus, but Ben number one. Love you, Marcus. You did a great fucking job. Yeah.

Good job. I was skeptical, and I said, he's never going to do it. And you know what? He fucking did it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what? Give him a round of applause. It's his first fucking press table.

Better be recording this whole time. Ben number two is in fear that he's Ben number two. That's why he didn't clap. I don't mind. No, Ben, you did a fine job, and I'm sure it'll be better the next time. Fucking swallow a parking cone until you goddamn have it leaking out your butt.

Who are you talking about? Are you talking about Ben number two? That's insane. No, I think he was talking to me. All right, that's Jack Yeti. I am Ben. That's Holden. Holden Nader's home.

We are Jack and Nader. Thank you for being here. And then we have to do the Twitter We have to do Twitter things Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah Follow us on Twitter Yeah, RT of Gentleman Dimash Yeah, that's good

Twitter Finding Dimash Finding Dimash Excuse me And then I'm Ben Kissel And Jackie's excuse me Tim, what do you got? I am Rob Reiner fan one

Rob Reiner fan one? My name is much better Is it Tina? Rob Reiner fan one He's had that since 1999 Was Rob Reiner fan I. Is that right? Rob Reiner fan one? My name is much better now. Is it Tina? Rob Reiner fan one. He's had that since 1999. Was Rob Reiner fan... I'm at Shitty Boxer. That makes sense.

Ooh, why not? All right, is that it? Is that all we got to talk about? Yeah, we're done. Yeah, I think we're done. Yeah, we just did the Murderfish show. Who cares about anything else, right? Who gives a fuck?

Have a great week. All right, everybody. We'll talk to you soon. Come visit us at the Creek in the Cave. Come say hi. Yeah, come and have your John Lennon moment and kill Holden. Holdenators. Let's get out of here.

I need a cigarette.