The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 185: Dirty Uncle Show

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

This week on Round Table: a pet parrot rats on his owner for drunk driving, a woman uses hypnotherapy in a bid to make her as dumb as Barbie, and an autistic Australian man becomes the butt of a cruel joke. Joining us today: Chris Laker!

The round table. Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds. Lay down, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table. What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen.

Always civility. Civility. All right, everybody, close your eyes for a guided meditation. Ah, yes. You're in a dugout foxhole. Crying, sweating, in horrible fear and sweet

delicious terror. Is it World War I? No, it is a present day. It is a week from now. It is a day from now. It's in your mind's eye and you hear the screeding. You hear the scrawls and the screes of terror in the distance. The marching hooves coming towards

you. You know you cannot hide. You know there's nowhere to go. Oh, I'm so sorry I joined the Jackanies. How did I know she'd be powerless against his army? That's what your fucking talking crow says but i've got nine talking crows holdingators ho scrolls from the distance our gnashing claws our horrible horde my big army of fucking asshole morons are gonna run up on your bullshit and the

marcusarians they try to come in they try try to be your ally. But the problem is that they're only just a bunch of bones. And we've got our bone saws, boy, because Holdnader Ho! Holdnader Ho! Oh my god, this is sad. I know, it's really... This is like...

This is like the last season of Cheers. You know? Where you're just like, didn't you end it? You end it when you fire Woody, don't you? All right. Is that it? No. And then all your girlfriends are happy again.

Because they're coming. They joined the army. And they're rubbing on me. Women can't fight, though. So you're saying you have all the women fighting. I get the girlfriends and the gays. You ain't my home. And you ain't my home. And they're all like, oh, thank you for saving me from Ed Larson's fucking mad, bad meat.

And they're happy with me and they love me and they'll spend the rest of their lives with me. I hate you, mom. That's not true. I never thought that I would go back to the days where I wish Holden would talk about having sex with his mother. But please, can you get back to mommy? I love the mommy stuff. We're not talking right now. Why not? What happened?

Oh, she didn't pay your electricity bill this month? She wouldn't. I showed up with the birthday cake. She wouldn't eat it because it had hair all over it. I got a picture of her tits right before I left. Alright, very good. I mean, it's still technically the prayer.

How stoned are you? What happened? I was playing my gamey game. All right. Amen? No. Amen. All right.

Welcome to the round table of gentlemen, everybody. Holy Christ. Thanks for taking control there. I appreciate it. Someone had to. I didn't know what else to do. Had to. I was devastated.

All right. Let's do the name thing that we always do so people know who we are. Jackie Zebrowski. I'm Jackie Neesby. You know what? I don't think I need to resort to the lows that Holdenators need to resort to. No, you don't. With the online fighting.

I don't need to because we're all strong. It's like, come at us. That's all you got? Man, I got fucking a fleet of crows. I got a fucking werewolf crows. You don't even fucking know. And I'm going to get even more stone than you are. I'm not scared of you.

Mama, mommy. All right. I'm Ed Larson, still a very proud Marcus Arian. That's great. Marcus Arian Nation, unite. Oh, yes. Feels good. Sitting in for Kevin Barnett is Christopher Laker.

Thanks for being here, Chris. Skipping me, Holden McNeely here to grant your wildest dreams. Holden, eaters, though. Thanks for being here, Chris. Skipping me, Holden McNeely here to grant your wildest dreams, Holden Aderzo. Thanks for being here, Chris. So does this make sense to people that listened like last week? No, it makes no sense to me. The whole thing doesn't,

it's just infuriating. I firmly believe there's a strong plot to have me dead before 33. You know about that? Yeah, well, now I'm finding out. I thought you were already 33. I'm 32. You look fantastic.

Thanks, Chris. All right. I'm Ben Kissel. With us, as always, we have the newsman, Marcus Parks. So I guess, what do you think? Should we just get to a story? Absolutely. Please.

Let's go back to the prayer. You know what? Let's never, ever. All right. Marcus, what's the first? Do you want to continue to the prayer. You know what? Let's never, ever. All right. Marcus, what's the first? Do you want to continue with the prayer? I mean, close your eyes for a guided meditation. You want to start over?

A Mexican motorist was busted drunk and driving after his pet parakeet ratted him out to police. How did the parakeet rat him out to police? Parakeets can't talk. Yes, they can. Guillermo Reyes, 49, was pulled over by traffic officers at a routine alcohol checkpoint in Mexico City last week. As he got out of his blue Chevy to be tested, cops heard a voice saying, He's drunk. He's drunk. At first, they thought...

It was just the kids he had under the floorboards. Yeah, exactly. The dude in the trunk. He's drunk. He's driving around with a bird in his car. You gotta's drunk. He's driving around with a bird in his car. You gotta be drunk. Oh, yeah. You know, a lot of people hate these birds. They don't got enough freedom.

Let's go for a ride, bird. Let you live your life again, bird. At first, they thought someone else was inside the vehicle, but upon closer inspection, they were stunned to see it was Reyes' beloved bird turned snitch. Oh, unbelievable. That is one dead fucking bird. You would think so.

You're going to kill this bird, Eddie, if it rats you out like that, too. I'm surprised he hasn't eaten it yet. Can you imagine? This is the worst bird to have if you're doing anything illegal or if you're a drug dealer or something like that. A parakeet? Well, how often is he drunk and his wife's screaming, you're drunk, you're drunk, that the fucking parakeet learned it? All the time. Nothing is living out of his car with his parakeet.

Yeah, could be. That's very possible. Like, you don't just drive around your parakeet. That's like you're living out of your, you've moved into your car. Yeah. You're like, I'm out of here, bitch, and I'm taking, whatever. Taking the parakeet. I'm taking Paco with me.

Paco. This is in Mexico. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So, of course, the parakeet's in Paco with me. Paco. This is in Mexico. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. So, of course, the Perico's in Paco. I'm just surprised they have DUI checkpoints in Mexico. It's like, I thought there were no laws. Yeah, it's just to make sure that you're drunk.

Yeah. Because you have to drive drunk. No, Mexico City is, they got their shit together a little bit more than the North. Nah, really? Yeah. Isn't it an actual city? There's 10 million people there. Yeah, just because there's a lot of people doesn't mean there's any working government.

It's a fucking war zone. It's a fucking nightmare there, man. I had a lobster named Paco. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. How quickly did that get eaten? You had a lobster? Yeah, we ate a bunch of mushrooms and then ate him.

It was a lot of fun. Really? I thought when you're on mushrooms, you give character traits to the sidewalk or to the door that you're trying to hit. Or the lobster. But you don't eat it, so you ate the lobster on mushrooms? Yeah. And you killed it while you were on mushrooms? Well, I suffocated.

How else are you going to get his power, Ben? What do you mean? How did you get his power, Holden? You eat him. You eat him flesh out. This is the last thing I would want to do on mushrooms is to kill an animal that I already named and then eat it. We went to the store. We bought a lobster.

I told them I wanted to keep it as a pet. We were tripping. We thought it was a good idea. And so he was like, all right, but you need salt water. So he gave us a bunch of salt water. We put the lobster in the salt water. And it kept shitting in the salt water. And then we took it out.

We started playing with it. And it started to die. So we cooked it and ate it. Holy fuck do I wish I could have walked in on this apartment while you guys are tripping nuts playing with the lobster. What did it look like when you were playing with the lobster? I mean, we were having a great time. Lobster was, you know, sick.

Yeah, I was dying because it was out of water and everything. Did it screech, though, when you put it in the water? They don't actually scream. It's actually their shells separating. Yeah, it's like the air coming out of the shell. It's whistling through them as they're meat cooks. But I feel like that would fuck with me if I was on mushrooms hearing something shrieking in a pot of boiling water. There was a woman at the store, at the grocery store, that had elephant head syndrome, and that freaked me.

That fucked me. Oh, that'll do it on any number of jobs. Killing the lobster was easy. I love that you said freaked, which would have been not a curse word. You had to change it to make sure that you said the curse word. Well, freaked with me, it's like, what is he, a 12-year-old girl? That freaked with me? You saw a real elephant head lady?

Yeah. Miss Tallahassee. Yeah. Everything happens. I can't imagine a worse smell. Like, you don't do too many drugs anymore or drink that much, but you used to do quite a bit of a hallucinogenics. Yeah, I used to love hallucinogenics.

It was my favorite. Can you imagine a worse smell than a fish store when you're tripping nuts on acid or mushroom? It was an Albertsons. What's that? It was an Albertsons. It's your store. I don't know what that means.

Oh, it's like a ShopRite. It's a grocery store. Oh, I see. It's not just a fish store. Yeah, Food Lion. Oh, I thought it was just a fish store. Piggly Wiggly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, it's like a shop right. It's a grocery store. Oh, I see. It's not just a fish store. Yeah, Food Lion. Oh, I thought it was just a fish store. Piggly Wiggly. Oh, I love Piggly Wiggly.

Skaggs. All right. I don't think I'd want to get involved in ripping open a lobster. I agree. But if I already lived through the Elephant Lady, anything's... How elephant was she? I would freak out with that. She had big ass head stuff going on.

Like lumps? Big lumps, yeah. Dude, there's just no God when you see that. No, exactly. One huge nostril and like an eye up top. It was fucking horrible. And I was tripping. What animals was she looking at?

What animals was she looking at? I think she was just trying to pay for her food and get back home so people stopped screaming at her. Mostly you and your friends there, ready? animals was she looking at? I think she was just trying to pay for her food and get back home so people stopped screaming at her. Mostly you and your friends there, Eddie. Get back to her house where the neighborhood kids dare each other to touch her first step. Maybe she was just a beautiful woman. You guys were tripping really hard. Marcus, let's see what an elephant

woman looks like. That's a person with elephantitis. Do you think a lot of them die by trying to cut the lumps off their face? Absolutely. I would try and cut it off my face.

Yeah? I suppose so. Can't you fix that now? I mean, that should only exist in South America or something. Yeah. Or Africa.

Florida. Oh, man. Is that going to have a starfish eye? What is that? I have no idea. I've never seen it. Oh, no.

It's on the inside of his eyelid. All right. Get rid of it. I've never seen it. Oh no, it's on the inside of his eyelid. Alright, get rid of it. I almost fucking vomited. It looks like the guy has, what's the, what are the fish eggs? Yeah. Caviar? Caviar in his eye. His eye looks

like the bottom of a starfish. Or like the pit in Star Wars, you know? The Starlot pit. Yeah. Which is like Holden's asshole, am I right? I guarantee at least one of those fucked up looking people has like a wife. Oh, definitely. Yeah, because they have to be nice. Yeah.

Yeah. It's always weird. It's like I can never, it makes you really feel like a piece of shit when you're single and you see people like that can get married. Yeah, kissing all over the place. But you know what, Jackie? I actually, I don't think that that's true. You know, people with elephantitis and disformed people, everyone's like, oh, they have to be nice.

I think they tend to be very mean. Well, of course they're mean, but to have a life and to get through the day, you should try to be nice because you're horrendous looking. That's a good point. That's what you should say to them if they're ever mean to you. You're horrendous looking. You should at least be nice. Yeah. I'm acting like you're a normal person here.

And that's hard for me to do. Oh my God, because I just want to scream boogity boogity boo at you. Yeah. Jesus. That's what they should scream. When I was back, when I was a sapling, when I was like a seed, my mother would be like, before you leave the house, be nice. And I wouldn't.

So she'd hit me in the head with a hammer until I'd be nice. Because I'd knock out some brain cells. I'd lose all the hate in me. It was a way to kind of get rid of some of my brain. Yeah, like a lobotomy. Yeah, thank you. Yeah, but the hate comes back. The hate certainly always comes back, doesn't it, Marcus?

Yes, it does. So this guy was... I'm not actually sure how we got to Elephant Head here. Oh, yeah, your mushroom story. Yeah. So the fellow was pulled over with a parakeet in the car. Did he kill the parakeet or what happened? Oh, no, no.

Animal Surveillance Brigade officers were called to take the mouthy critter away, but they eventually allowed him to accompany his owner to prison after it was feared the bird would die if separated from his owner. What? Because it gets sad and it pecks itself to death. Is that real? Yeah, yeah. Birds are very emotional. I just can't believe it. I didn't know that parakeets could talk. Parrots talk.

I've had parakeets before. They're fucking dumb as shit. That is a parrot. That is not a parakeet. Is it not a parakeet? I think parakeet, I think that is a typo. So it is a parrot. That is not a parakeet. Is it not a parakeet? I think parakeet. I think that is a typo. So it's a parrot. The New York Daily News really out to lunch on this one. Well, they're just copying and pasting from

some Mexican newswire. Actually, they are. They're copying and pasting it from El Universal. That's not bad. They don't know anything down there. So the parakeet can't talk but the parrot can. Yes. I bet parrots are cheaper in Mexico.

Probably. You can get a toucan. Yeah, maybe that's where she gets Kevin's bird. That would be great. Is that really their noise? That's the way a toucan talks. That's not bad. What was it saying just then? Oh, man, you don't fucking want to know what it was saying to me just then.

All the answers. That's right. I forgot about Kevin's bird. Obviously Kevin's been very busy for those wondering where he is. He's in LA right now doing exceptionally well, but that African gray that he wants, I think we still only have $5 towards the bird. $5 pledged. Pledged. We don't have

$5 in our hand. That's good. Don't send him any money. I'm going to pledge another $5 right now. Oh, we have $10 on him. We got $10. $10. This is big. What'm going to pledge another five right now. Oh, we have ten dollars on him! We got ten! Ten dollars. This is big. What are they, three thousand dollars, Marcus? Yes, absolutely. They're extremely expensive birds. Almost there. Well, the duo was taken to El Torito,

the capital city's hangover prison, where anyone found driving was more than the least... Really? Sounds like my everyday life. It's a mental state. It's a fucking soccer stadium. Yeah, they got a name for it and everything. El Torito, the hangover prison.

Everyone is just like, 100,000 Mexicans just going, Oh, mi madre, mi madre. Que pesa, no bueno. Sounds like a good show. Well, at the hangover prison, they do. Or they did. Well, that's very fun.

That's great. You ever have a bird, Laker? You ever have a bird growing up? You had an animal, a dog maybe that died? I had a cat. You had a cat and it died. Yeah, it died eventually. Yeah.

They do that. What was the cat's name? Nikki. It was my brother's cat. I don a cat. You had a cat and it died. Yeah, it died eventually. Yeah. They do that. What was the cat's name? Nicky. It was my brother's cat. I don't know. We lived in Staten Island. My brother wanted to give it some kind of Guinea name. Oh.

Nicky the cat. My brother wanted to be Italian, you know, because everybody's Italian. Okay. And we weren't. Oh, that's wrong. Why would he want that? I don't know. Because he was tricked into it. Yeah, I's Italian. Okay. And we weren't. Oh, that's wrong. Why would he want that? I don't know. Because he was tricked into it.

Yeah, I guess so. Yeah. Because there's a bunch of Italians. So he gave me, yeah, this awful name to his cat. But it was an all right cat. It was always out. Just running around. Yeah, just running around.

Nicky's will do that. And one day it died. Yeah. Yeah. How did it die? A car? Stress? I just dropped dead.

I don't know. I was like 12 or 13 years old. Wow. That's long for a guinea cat. I think so. My roommate's got a cat that's 10. It's very nice. That's not bad.

But it makes me think that's going to die soon. If Lakers died at 12. The last one, my girlfriend's cat lived to 23. Oh, okay. Whoa. Yeah. Wow. They all live a lot longer than chihuahuas.

That's what I know. Oh, yeah. That's right. Is that why you're showing chest hair? Bringing up a bummer. I'm not showing chest hair, Jackie. Kipo has a v-neck on today. It's laundry day.

Oh, okay. Come on. It's because of Gidget, though. You want to talk about it? No, it's fine. Gidget died. One of Ben's dogs died. Oh, that's sad.

That's right. A dog that I take care of died. He wasn't watching it well enough. I was. I met that dog, right? Yeah. He wasn't watching it well enough. I was. I met that dog, right? Yeah, it probably tried to bite you, I'm sure. It was a terrible dog. Out of all the dogs, it was the worst one.

Yeah, and all the dogs are terrible. But you've been with these dogs for years. For years. Six years with that dog. Yeah. You've been stealing from those people for a long time. Well, let's not bring that up. Come on. Everyone needs a dog nanny for dogs that don't need a nanny.

I've got a Chihuahua story. Let's do that one. Oh, for Gidget. That's right. In honor of Gidget. In puppy hell. She is definitely in hell. All right.

They're the worst kind of dogs. They're the worst dogs. They are cute dogs. They love the one owner, though. They're sort of like cats. They're very loyal to the one owner. Yeah, so if it's your dog, then you'll love it. I grew up with a little dog named Miho.

And your parents liked it more than you, right? No, no, no, but that wasn't my parents' dog. It was my buddy Pat's dog. Oh, okay. Every morning, he'd wake me up at like 8 in the morning just biting on my head when I'd sleep over there, you know? And I'm always like, Miho, Miho, get off it, get off it, you know? My buddy had a lot of lizard... I'm surprised it didn't get eaten by a snake

because my buddy had, like, pythons and shit. Is that why you scream mijo when you're jerking off? Oh, yeah. Interesting, yeah. No mijo, no mijo, no mijo. Yeah, yeah, and then it just, like, fucking loads. Yeah, man. I had a cool necklace I used to wear in college a lot.

Rope necklace, you know? Yeah. I slept over at my buddy's house, woke up, a chihuahua chewed it off my neck. I was so drunk I didn't notice. It's so aggravating. What a piece of shit dog. You had a fucking disgusting hemp necklace on. You don't need to wear that.

That dog did you the biggest favor. Yeah, exactly. That's the best friend you ever had. I totally agree. Nobody told you that was a disgusting necklace, and the trowel was just like, I'm going to eat that off his dumb fucking fat neck. That's disgusting and stupid.

And Dave Matthews' band sucks. It was not trying to kill you, Eddie. It was a sweet dog. All right, what happened to this one? Did this one die? Chihuahuas are on the loose in an Arizona neighborhood and flooding animal control offices with reports of the roaming strays.

This happened in Detroit, too. Yeah, it did. Arizona neighborhood and flooding animal control offices with reports of the roaming strays. This happened in Detroit, too. Yeah, it did. Animal control are having a rough time unleashing officers to patrol the area due to the unusually high number of calls, sometimes a dozen at one time. Well, they made that law against gays. Who's going to take care of all the chihuahuas? You get the gays out of Arizona Arizona chihuahuas go for it. I like that.

That's why they're Roman. It's a very good point. It's a very good point. What a way to die. That's not the... How many... Depart by fucking chihuahuas. How many chihuahuas do you think it would take?

Ten. Ten? Ten? Yeah, I think so. No way. 25. I could kill 10 chihuahuas in one sitting. You couldn't. Don't say anything. Literally by just sitting. Yeah, yeah, so. 25. I could kill 10 chihuahuas in one sitting.

You couldn't. Don't say that. Literally by just sitting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a good point. Yeah, just belly flop on a bunch of them and then start punching them in the fucking face. They weigh three pounds. Fucking chihuahuas.

Yeah, but they're so vicious. Stepping on their backs and breaking their spines and kicking them around. Look at that picture. I'd say 15 would be the tipping point, I think. 15? I think 14 I could take. Yeah, well, I'm saying bare hands. You don't have a sword in this situation. You don't have a sword. You're just getting the mail point, I think. 15? I think 14 I could take. Yeah, well, I'm saying bare hands. You don't have a sword in this situation.

You don't have a sword. You're just getting the mail from your front yard. And you have a hemp necklace, a hemp bracelet on, hemp fucking ankles on. My fucking piece died with that chihuahua, I'll tell you that much. It was a peaceful man with a hemp necklace. That chihuahua's fucking upset the wrong bear.

Oh, my goodness. I just love editing that Far Side cartoon when you're posting up that missing dog poster and the dog's in your ass. I remember those. Remember that? It was very, very funny. Oh, Far Side was the best.

Yeah, I loved it. Gary Larson. My uncle. Was that your uncle? No, no, no. You fucking wish. I'm the only Larson. What's the married couple?

The Lockhart? The Lockhorns. The Lockhorns. Yeah. That was a fun one. Because'm the only Larson. What's the married couple? The Lockhart? The Lockhorns. The Lockhorns. Yeah. That was a fun one. Because they lock horns. Yeah. They're always angry with each other, huh?

Did you never get it till now? I never got that till now either. Well, I didn't give a fuck about the Lockhorns. You learn something new every day. Every day. I know. They're very, very funny. I think you just had to get a comic strip in the newspaper sometime in the 1930s,

and you're set for it. You don't have to be funny for the rest of your life. Forever and ever and ever. Charlie Brown was not fucking funny. It was endearing, though. It was sweet. No, they were all poor. Yeah.

That's why it was endearing. Yeah, I guess. I don't want to fucking watch poor kids. So what did you like? Scrooge McDuck or like? I loved Garfield. Uh-huh. They were doing it.

Because he ate so much. Yes, he does. But if you read like a Garfield in the paper, that shit wasn't funny. Yeah, no. There was never anything funny. There was some funny stuff in there. Farside was the only one

that actually made me laugh ever. Farside would be kind of funny. Get Fuzzy is one that's out now that is legitimately funny. Get Fuzzy is good. Calvin and Hobbes. All the guy in the sweater. But you know, if you read a whole collection of Garfield comics, like a thick book of them,

after a while it starts getting, it kind of snowballs. Yeah, it's madness. There's a whole character and her name is Bertha and she's the funniest thing in the world. Yeah. You're reading the comic strips? No, I have all, I have the compendium of every single Garfield cartoon ever for some reason growing up. We just had him always in the bathroom, so you read that shit over and over again. It does snowball.

Yeah, it's great. Of course. I bought a bunch of Garfield books because it's too stupid to read the normal ones. Yes. What's the name of the Garfield guy? He was a nice... John Arbuckle. No, I know John Arbuckle, but the creator.

Jim Davis. Jim Davis. My older brother reached out to him, and Jim Davis sent him a signed bunch of Garfield things. What? Really? Yeah, a bunch of things. Yeah, my older brother loved Garfield, and now he's gay.

So, Jim Davis. That's why I was always a heathcliff man heathcliff was awesome he was bad yeah but he was also poor he was an alley cat though there's different between being a ruffian and being a shitty idiot poor kid so heathcliff was not a shitty idiot he was a ruffian yeah yeah he wasn't shitty yet he was ruffian because the other ones they were like oh but maybe tomorrow will be better. Fuck it. It's not going to be better.

It's always going to be bad. I'll tell you what, Riff Raff was a faggot. Riff Raff? Yeah, man. Which one is Riff Raff? Riff Raff's like Heathcliff, but he couldn't hold the fucking stone to Heathcliff. Was he in Heathcliff? No, no, no.

Riff Raff was another one? Yeah, he was a ripoff. It was Garfield, Heathcliff, which is a ripoff of of Garfield and then Riff Raff was a rip-off of Heathcliff. Heathcliff. Yeah. Oh my goodness. What about Snoopy's cousin Spike?

He was pretty cool. He lived out in the desert. Didn't he have a mustache? Yeah, he had a mustache so he was getting drunk. You kind of look like Spike. Yeah. I thought Spike

was Fonzie's nephew. Wow. Well, this is great. Welcome to the uncle version of the round table of gentlemen, everybody. I'll tell you, kids got to start drinking, you know? This is good. I'm just about to ask my nephew to go buy me a pack of smokes and throw him the keys to my car.

They kill these chihuahuas yet, Marcus? No, they haven't killed the chihuahuas. This is Melissa Gable with Maricopa County Animal Care and Control says, We compared the number of calls we got in 2013 from that area to similar areas in town, and the calls from Maryville were three times higher than surrounding areas. Part of it is that these animals aren't spayed or neutered, so they're out looking for a mate and are having babies, which also contributes to the problem.

And chihuahuas are one of the most common breeds found at animal shelters. Cute babies having babies, huh? Catch and release, man. Catch them, fucking snip it off, shove them back out there. No, just murder it when you catch it. No, you can't murder it. Put it in a sack and bang it against the wall. This is America, goddammit.

That's right. Chihuahuas are very horny animals. You think so? Yes, they're incredibly humpy. Yeah? Didn't yours? No, no, no. No love.

My lady, she had a chihuahua and it humped the world. It would hump everything it could find. Really? Yeah. It wasn't fixed or anything? No, I don't know if it was. I think it was fixed. It still just humped.

They all hump. It just depends on if they shoot jizz all over your pants. The worst, you ever get jizz on your leg from a dog? Like a bear leg? Well, Ben has, I'm sure. Well, no, not from the dogs I take care of. I had a couple of friends when I was growing up, and I say a couple because

there was a couple of them, that would have their animals allowed to, they would have toys for their animals to just hump and they would just be full of dried dog cum, but it was just known, one was a dolphin, the other was a big bear, and I thought it was disgusting. What does it smell like?

It's just old, I mean, what animal? Is it like human cum? Yeah, it's just you know, yeah, just cum. Does it smell from fucking animal to animal? I don't think so. The whole world got mad? What's happening? It didn't seem like it.

I think dog cum is warmer than human cum. No, why would it be warmer? Dogs have a touch. Dogs have a touch. Dogs have a touch. Like, fish cum would be different. It's got to be, right? It's got to be, like, stringier or something.

Oh, yeah. Never warm. There's no way that it's ever warm. No, it can't be warm. It immediately hits there with the water. I have cold cum, though. Yeah, of course you do. It comes out in blocks sometimes in the winter.

Yeah, you're cold-blooded, so that makes sense. It's like a bouillon cube. Yeah. It's very interesting. I make little martinis with it. I found something interesting. Ben, do you ever find a fishy smell around your dogs? Does that ever happen?

Like, just, I don't know where, like, kind of fishy. Like a happen? I don't know where, like kind of fishy. Like a scallop. I guess. Yeah, like a scallop. Yeah, sure. Yeah, that's the dog's anal gland spontaneously emptying. Well, isn't that something? And then they immediately order Chinese food. That is great.

Yeah, the dog leaves a clear or brown mucus-like small discharge from the anus onto the carpet couch or whatever they happen to be sitting on. Is that when it's dragging its ass? Yeah. All right, well, we don't need to get into it. It smells like fish. It smells like fishy fish. Yeah, I'm sure I've smelled that quite a bit.

And it's probably rubbed all over your clothes. Yep. Yep, good point, Ed. Even that v-neck that you're wearing right now. All right, thank you, Jackie. I like his sexy, fun V-neck. It is just a shirt. He's such a hipster right now.

It's fun. It's a deeper V than I've ever seen on you before. It's just I don't have any shirts right now, you know? So that is fine. It's not that deep of a V. I thought you had stretched a neck hole out with your head. I think that's what happened. Oh, my goodness. I thought you just stretched a neck hole out with your head. I think that's what happened.

Oh, my goodness. This isn't every first date you've ever been on, Laker. Fat head Kissel. Yeah, the old fat head Laker. Big ass head. I'll tell you. Goddamn basketball brains. Tell you what, Kissel comes home half the week these days. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Ladies are loving it. Are you spreading your seed? No, no, no. Just walking around. I think that I... Yeah, he's giving it up. It's like he's spreading his fucking seed.

Yeah, he's spreading his dickens, baby. There's no seed. I was talking to a buddy, though, who had a friend who had a girlfriend. And the girlfriend, the friend found out a boyfriend. The friend is you, right? No. Okay. I have no friends.

So the friend is you. Yeah. That is fun. Anyway. Fell into our trap. So this chick, she ate some human flesh, right? She ate human flesh in Thailand and then she talked about it

with her boyfriend and then he broke up with her over it. And I thought that was a little bit ludicrous because it was presented in front of her. So the question that I... Alright, there we go. I mean, a reasonable... Well, now that calls into question what race was

the flesh? What race was the person? This is a question that I thought. No, you said it. You did it. I mean, Marcus, maybe you can Google, do different races taste different when it comes to human flesh? This really is the Dirty Uncle episode. They're talking about Garfield and fucking interracial.

If you're in Thailand, you eat like a Thai person. Sure. I say that's on them. Okay. So you're not going to break up with the lady over it if you find out she eats in human flesh. If she ate like a white person, now that's fucked up. That's a setting to it. But what if she ate the white person like in Queens, you know, where it's mostly white people?

That's okay. No, you can't do that. You got to be out of the country to eat people. Yeah, Queens is the most multicultural place on the planet. Why would you eat a white person there? I don't know. I bet you could get flesh in Queens, though, human flesh. Definitely.

Flushing, definitely. Have you seen those freaking Korean markets? Yeah, so it's like eating a Sbarro while you're in New York City. You would have a more diverse human flesh. I'd try it. Yeah, especially if I was in Thailand. You would try it? I would try it as well. Yeah, 100%. If it served in front of you. There's a certain level of like, oh, you only go to Thailand

once kind of situation. Hopefully. I'd fuck a fucking man-girl and I'd fucking eat some bird fetuses, you know, and I'd have some human flesh. It'd be nice if you were out to dinner with a bunch of friends. You know, they bring the kid out to you. You meet it.

You say hello. You shake its head. They bring it back to the kitchen. Are you tripping on mushrooms when you do this too, Eddie? Swimming around in a little tank? Jesus Christ. Swimming around in a little tank? It's like, I like that one.

I like that one. It's a meaty small man, small woman's house. Sir, this is just a municipal post. That's a delicious looking girl boy. I'll have that one. That's a meaty small man Sir, this is just a municipal pool. That's a delicious looking girl boy. I'll have that one over there. Not everything's a lobster tank head. Those are kids. This is a public pool.

We gotta go. The mushrooms are starting to kick in for me. Can I have two? Good lord. Will you let him have two? You can have as many as he wants. Will you break up with him over it I would not

I would not break up Well see but I feel like You have a bit more Of a horror mind You know I mean most Most everyday people Can't handle the idea

That the person they're with Would do such a Disturbing thing See for me That's kind of a turn on That they would do Such a disturbing crazy thing Absolutely

I mean what do you think I mean I wouldn't marry him You would not marry him You would not marry him But you're not marrying anybody at this point. Good point. Yeah, you hate women. I think I agree with Lakers rules.

I think Lakers rules are the best of all. It's like you didn't eat something that is me, but like anything brown, yellow, anything else, you are able to eat. So if you're Asian, you can eat a white guy. I mean, she kind of paraphrased. I mean, that was the spirit of the sentiment. Yeah.

It's always a little bit more racist. It's not me. So you don't look at me and see a ribeye, even though I wish he did. But he doesn't. Right. So that's fine. Well, I did find on the internet, I found a message board. Do black people taste different than white people?

Oh, God. What is this message? I'm doing a stand-up bit on this, by the way. White people taste like this. Black people taste different than white people. Oh, God. What is this message? I'm doing a stand-up bit on this, by the way. White people taste like this. Black people taste like that. What it says is black people taste like coffee. That's why they don't drink it.

It would be like drinking themselves. That is not coffee. I've never heard of that. Think about it. Have you ever seen a black person drink coffee? Yes. Constantly. My girlfriend is the manager of a coffee shop and she's black.

I can't even do it. Does she drink coffee? But she's got a British accent. So that doesn't count. That makes me suspicious. Suspicious. If she was any more multicultural, she'd be a terrorist. All right.

I don't even know what that means. I don't even know what that means. I don't even know what that is. Good Lord. I agree. I think it's respectful. If I died, I would donate my eyes to science and whatever organs still exist, and then people can eat. I think it's nice to be eaten, be wanted in post-mortem.

I'd like to eat my nose, Ben. Well, you know, thank you. It's a meaty nose. It's a good nose. That's what I want to eat? nose, Ben. Well, you know, thank you. It's a meaty nose. It's a good nose. That's what I want to eat? What part do I get? Of me? Yeah.

Well, first of all, I have a lot of loose skin, so there's Kissel Crackles all around. Now, we'll be too full after that. Well, there's still a entree round, so don't... Rum roast? I feel like I would probably taste the best on this whole table, because I used to be fat, then I was thin, then I was strong. I feel like I would probably taste the best on this whole table because I used to be fat, then I was thin, then I was strong, and I feel like I'm marbled. I feel like I would have a nice piece of meat. Kobe Kissel beef.

Totally, yeah. I don't know. I think Marcus would be the best one to eat. No, he's muscle. He's too lean. He's not muscle. He's skinny. You guys seen this ass? It's big. It's plump. It would be delicious. I bet Ed tastes like a cigar. Yeah, that's skinny. You guys seen this ass? It's big. It's plump. It would be delicious. I bet Ed tastes like a cigar.

Yeah, that's true. I'd go ahead and call that. I'd eat Jackie. Yeah. I'm too fatty. Yeah, I like that. You do get the feeling if you took a bite of Ed, you would exhale smoke. Like somehow. Am I drinking scotch here? Am I drinking a fine scotch? Yeah, I think you'd want to eat a woman.

Yeah, absolutely. Because we take better care of ourselves, I think you'd want to eat a woman. You think so? Yeah, yeah. Because we take better care of ourselves. I would definitely eat a woman over a man. Yeah. You think so? I know so. Yeah.

I don't know. Easier to kill. I feel like the Marlboro man would be really good to eat. The Marlboro man. Yeah, it's like, yeah, because it's like, I get my nicotine fix, but also, you imagine eating the ass of a man that rode a horse for a while. I'm thinking of a fisherman's wife. That would be good. Okay, yeah. So we have two different...

Salted. I'm going to do a whole other stand-up bit. The difference is between men and women, huh? One wants to eat a fisherman's wife, and the other wants the Marlboro man's asshole. Well, you don't want to eat a guy that died of cancer. I don't even think he wants it. I think you want

like a 20-year-old. Yeah. That's probably perfect. Absolutely. I feel like, honestly, a man-girl would probably be great. Like a Thai man-girl.

Yeah. Because they're all very fit. Too tight? I want someone a little fat. I think I'd taste like a burned-down forest mixed with Nickelodeon slime. I believe that that's probably true.

Yeah, Gak. All right. Well, let the round table of Gentleman Page decide what people you want to eat the most. I'm going to say it again, too. We got a taint now. Send us some balls. Oh, man, we didn't talk about the taint. Did you guys look at the picture?

No, I didn't look at the picture. Laker, a fan sent in a picture of Is he a fan Whose taint His own taint I mean I gotta see it now I guess Did you guys look at the picture

Did everyone look at it Yeah you should you have to look at it now I haven't seen it yet Oh jeez. All right. Oh, I see. Okay. Well, that's not so bad.

He covered a wart with Holden's face. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get a wart. It is a nice job that he didn't show the balls or anything. No, he really did a great job on it. Just the taint said, thank you out there. Send in balls. I'm not going to say his name.

He did not use an alias at all Well he definitely looks of age Also So I don't think we have to worry about that I loved it though I stared at it for a really long time Sure Because I never stare at a taint

And then I'm like maybe I should be staring at them more often I'll tell you what if you look up on the taint For the guys there we go It makes us a little crazy. No, no. You use knuckle. You use knuckle. Oh, God.

Yeah. It's not even necessarily pleasurable. It just makes you go like, like you're getting tickled, but more weird. Yeah. It's good. Yep. That is great.

You know, I always say more taint talk. Yeah. Did you look at the t know? I always say, more taint talk. Yeah. Did you look at the taint? I saw it. Yeah. The man looks like an eight-year-old Croatian or something. No, he looks strong. That's a hairy man.

Yeah, I love it. Very hairy. But yeah, we've got taint and we've had dick, but we don't have any balls. Still no balls. I mean, these are not... I mean, I think... Aren't we supposed to be looking at, like, women? Sure.

We got a clit. We got some breasts. Yeah, we got pussy. We got breasts. I love it. I love all of this. Let's see a woman's taint. Woman's taint.

I just feel like we're... Women don't have taints. Yes, they do. You know what? Under tit. Under tit. Under tit. Under tit.

After not showering for a couple days. And we did have someone on the round table page post a nipple asking us to judge. Whether it was him, his wife, or his child. You should lose custody of both. It was disgusting. I support

this man. You're a holdnator hoe. Thank you, holdnators hoe. He's not a holdnator. Obviously, Jackanese was directed towards me, and I say, I think it's yours. Because there was no breasts. It's an unfortunate woman that you're with. And it's too hairy to be a child.

The other option is that he went up to his 10-year-old kid and took a picture of his breast. I would be fine with it. Is that obscene? I don't think so. It's a male kid. Yeah. No one's beaten off to it. No. It's just a guessing game. you know is that obscene I don't think so it's a it's a male kid yeah it's like we're not trying to

no one's beating off to it no it's just disgusting it's just disgusting Chris you look visibly stunned and you do a bunch of disgusting things

so I know we're in wrong territory well once you get the kid involved then it gets really hot yeah yeah get that nipple kid

get that nipple kid he's like hey listen he's probably didn't put the kid's nipple but it that nipple kid hey listen he probably didn't put the kid's nipple but it could be but it could be and that's the thing

that's the glory but what if his kid's 30 you know we don't know but even like a kid nipple there's nothing wrong with a kid nipple right

that's totally legal as long as it's a boy yeah boy nipple there's lots of pictures of me with my shirt off when I was a kid and they're gross that's true now if it's a boy. Yeah, boy nipple. There's lots of pictures of me with my shirt off when I was a kid. I think... And they're gross.

Yeah, that's true. Now, if it's a baby girl... Then it's wrong. Then it's wrong. Correct? I don't think... It's a baby. I think if it's a baby, it's fine.

It's a baby, it's okay. Under four. How is eating human flesh the third worst thing we're talking about? What's happening? What's happening here? We're just trying to see what we need to delete off our hard drives. Boundaries.

Trying to figure it out. You like that taint-licked laker? You ever have a girl do that? Oh, yeah, that's fantastic. It's fun stuff, huh? It's like a surprise. It's like a fantastic surprise. So what story brought us here?

The Chihuahuas. The Chihuahuas The Chihuahuas Holy lord We're talking about one of God's greatest creatures And it's turned into this We can go to Japan Sure If you don't

Please Very good Siamese cats. Marcus Arian Nation. We'll take you both down. This week. You don't like Japanese either, Arian. Piece of shit.

Well, you guys are whispering. It is a recorded program. And those are microphones in front of your face. This week, staff at a zoo in Tokyo practiced capturing escaped animals by chasing around one of their colleagues wearing a gorilla suit. Yay! Was it Ed? I wish. Isn't this like the role of a lifetime?

Oh my god. It really is great. Visitors gaped as scores of helmet-wearing keepers surrounded the gorilla with cars and nets. Staff then pretended to tranquilize their co-worker, who swooned dramatically and collapsed to the ground. The acting ape was immediately wrapped in a large net and hauled away on a truck. This is ridiculous. He couldn't

possibly master the strength that an ape has. It's not the fucking same. That's true, yeah. But still, you're at the zoo. I'm sure it'd freak somebody out. Oh, definitely. Japanese people are always playing these funny tricks on each other. They are.

It's so cute. Japanese game shows are for real. Yeah, this is really intense stuff. You ever see the one where they made that crazy creature graphic where the guy, the creature suit where it was a raptor? Yeah, and it came after the guy. Yeah, and it looked incredibly real. It looked incredibly real. This guy was in a full velociraptor costume and chased a dude

down the hallway of this building. He fell on his knees and started crying. Yeah. Everyone was just laughing and shit. They are funny. I don't think that we give the Japanese enough credit for their humor. It's very funny. Could you imagine the psychological warfare

that they would rot if we did get back into a war with imagine? It's very funny. Could you imagine the psychological warfare that they would rot if we did get back into a war with them? It would all be based on these game shows. Totally. It would just be like terrifying the soldiers

with like, you know, shooting them out on like ski slopes on Lazy Boy. You ever see the one where they dress a little girl up like a seal

and then lock her in like the polar bear area and then just fucking the polar bear starts going nuts trying to eat her? Is she just in a seal costume crying her eyes out.

Her parents are laughing and shit. They're a terrifying race. That's good comedy. The stuff they jack off to is hilarious too. They like wedding dresses a lot. They love wedding dresses. They also like people coming on newscasters. Really?

Yes. Oh, Bukkake News. That's the best. Yeah, Bukkake News. That's right. Bukkake News. I've seen that. Yeah, and she's just reading the news

and there's just guys walking up and coming all over her face and by the time she's done with the news, man, she is glazed. That should just be the regular news. Glazed news. Because they always put news chicks you want to jack to. Oh, wait.

So just take it all the way. Why even pretend that it's about broadcasting? Just have a dude just jacking on. But see, anybody gas station was robbed in East New York today. Oh, man, you could deliver. And actually get back to some good hard news. I'd be more into the weather.

The Bukkake weather report. Is anybody actually getting off to Bukkake here though? I can't. A glazing doesn't really set me off. Sometimes it could be fun. It all depends. I've watched it for just a fucking donut woman.

A nice donut gal, a Krispy Kreme lady. I've watched it just to see what that is because it is fascinating to look at, but I'm not making fucking... Goofballs up. Yeah, I'm not goofballing over it. What do you think, Jackie? I mean, you're a lady.

You look at some smut every now and again. I feel like unless she doesn't want it, like when she doesn't want it, then it's hot. Then it's hot. Yeah. But if they do want it, then it's not so hot. Yeah. Screaming for more, you're just like, brr, like a wall closes over. Yeah, yeah.

It's just like, because then it's like, she's a sick fuck. Yeah. No, the best is finding the one where she gets like three into it and then realizes the mistake that she's made. Yeah, and then they're going to keep going. Yeah. It's like, she has to like jack them off. It's like, some are like in her mouth and then realizes the mistake that she's made. Yeah, and then they're going to keep going. Yeah. She has to like jack them off. It's like some are like in her mouth and they're all coming all over her.

It just gets a little cold too right on your face there. I mean, Laker, would you ever participate? Let's say you're number eight in a 30-person Bukkake scene. Absolutely. Eight is fine. You would do it. Yeah. Because you have some prostitute experience.

Have you ever been with a gal with a couple of guys around her, jacking off all around? No. I've double teamed. Okay. Did she win? Nobody won. And so it was you, a guy, and a girl. And you enjoyed the experience.

That's not a threesome at that point. No, it's a double team. That's a double team. Yeah. And there was at one point, this woman, I was like 20. And she was a prostitute. No, she was just like some old drug addict. And she was a very attractive woman. No, she wasn't attractive at all, but she was there and down.

Full head of hair? Sure. Teeth? Spotty. Probably missing one. But I remember at one point, it was me and my buddy, and she whispers into my ear, suck his dick. And I said, no.

She was trying to take control. She wanted me to suck his dick, and I didn't. No, no, no. That, she was trying to take control. She wanted me to suck his dick, and I didn't. No, no, no. That's gross. What were you guys all fucked up on that night? There was... See, we drank a lot,

and there was pills. Okay. And I was at this dude's place. He used to make speed in his kitchen. So it wasn't even that hot. But I don't think that we did any of that. It was just a lot of drugs. He's dead.

He died. He's dead. He had a pig valve on his heart. You know, after a while of making your own speed. Yeah. Yeah,

yeah. He was like, he was like one of those older like dudes that just had an apartment that let like young people like party in. Great dude.

Great dude. Yeah, I knew a couple of those guys. So about 45, 50 years old he died? Yeah, probably about that. Something like that. The old dude that used to let us party at his house, we all called him Gummy Bear.

And he was a nice guy. He was a very nice guy. Well, I mean, how? How did you not get fucked as a kid? Those dudes... Was it a good experience? Do you like the experience? Do you think about it

in Jack Off? I don't think about it in Jack Off, but yeah, it was, you know, at the time, I was,

it was alright. Yeah, it was cool. Yeah. And then you guys both just came on her face or something like that? No,

we didn't come on her face. I think we ended up kind of separately banging on the other room. Oh, I see. But it started out we were all together.

And you were the first one to go in there or the second? No, I was the second. Yeah, because it was his house. I was the younger guy. I appreciate your honesty. I was always... Any kind of... He's got good manners.

Any kind of situation like that, I didn't have the confidence back then. Yeah. And now you'd be the first guy to do it. Now? Now, yeah. Yeah, now I would. Get out of there. That's good. You put your time in, guy to do it. Now? Now, yeah. Yeah, now I would. Get out of there.

That's good. You put your time in, you've earned it. Yeah. But, uh... It sounds exciting. And that was your only gangbang situation? Yeah, yeah, probably. Well, what if it wasn't, though?

And you have another true story. I think there's another. But no, that ended with me just not fucking the girl, and the dude just did. You know? No confidence. You didn't have enough confidence. Dude, that's terrible with chicks. Yeah, I was in a situation where I thought it was going to happen.

It just ended up me screaming please at the two girls for, like, a couple hours, and then we all fell asleep. That's so nice to let you stay. I know. I'm going to kick you the fuck out. Did they kiss in front of you though? No, no. I can scream please until people pass out and it's fine. But yeah, I got

close. I got really close. I got a hand on a shoulder and a hand on an elbow. Oh, that's not bad. It grosses me out when you talk about it. You didn't try to rub your dick on the elbow or something? No, nothing like that. I rubbed my hand on my dick and then rubbed the hand on the elbow.

Jake, you're- Close enough. What was that, Laker? I said close enough. Oh, close enough. Are there ladies who really have the fantasy of fucking two dudes at once? Of course. That feels like a lot of work.

I don't know. No, it's great. Oh, you think so? Yeah, they got the holes for it. Oh, that's true. Yeah, you got multiple holes. Fill up the holes. Have you done it feels like a lot of work. I don't know. Oh, you think so? Yeah, they got the holes for it. Oh, that's true. Yeah, you got multiple holes. Fill up the holes. Have you done it?

Have a good time. Sure. You've had a couple of guys at the same time? Yeah, I'm not going to talk about it on this podcast, though. Here's a whole separate show for that. All right, well, let's get back to that Chihuahua news story, shall we? No, we've moved on from Chihuahuas. Now we're on the light-hearted Japanese gorilla story.

Oh, yeah. I forgot about that. I thought maybe it would turn into some fun conversation about gorillas or people running around. Or threesomes and sad times. What was your favorite drug you ever did? I loved acid a lot. Well, you know, and Coke's a big, you know, that's always fun. Of course, yeah.

Do you ever want to do them again? Because you've been sober for, what, 10 years? Oh, man. Something like that. Yeah. A while. And, yeah, no, I would love to do all these beers. I would like to drink them all.

I like to do a fucking mound of cocaine and just go crazy. I mean, one of these days, I will. And then you realize you have a positive mental attitude, and it's all worth it. Yeah, but you should have a show where you just invite guests on and just cover the table with drugs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And all sober guests just have relapses. Well, I've been sober long enough that that doesn't really affect me. The beers don't really affect me.

No, because you fucking did a bunch of drugs, and you fucked prostitutes. I mean, Tecate's aren't turning me on. But being drunk's so much fun. It's great. I'm loving it right now. Kessel, you're the worst person in the entire world. You're fucking big head.

You're fucking deep V. Do you... This is a problem I had when I drank. I would shit my pants. No, see, that's why you're sober.. I would shit my pants. No. No, see, that's why you're sober. We don't shit our pants. We don't have life-altering, horrible situations happen. No, the pee-pee will happen, though.

You piss your pants. Sure, sure. You can pee your pants. I would piss on stuff. Yeah, well, Ben shit his friend's couch. I didn't shit my friend's couch. Yes, you did. No, there was a remnants.

There was a sun kiss. We talked about it for like 20 minutes. You shit on his couch. I don't believe anybody that's done, like, had a drink, like a real career

of hard drinking hasn't shit their pants. Like, you lose control. Anytime you... Well... Everybody in AA would always be like, would have a... Everybody in AA would always be like... Would have a...

Somewhere along this awful story, be like, and I shit my pants. And then, you know... Yeah, yeah. Push my wife in the face, blah, blah, blah, shit my pants,

and the next thing you know, I'm locked up. I've definitely shit my pants, but only sober, like, the next day. Yeah, I've never shit my pants while drunk. I always think it's gonna be a fart, and then you're like...

Oh, I see. I just wait... I would just wake up, and I'd shit my pants while drunk. I always think it's going to be a fart. Oh, I see. I would just wake up and I'd shit my pants. I remember when I lived with Ed, when we lived four people in a one and a half bedroom, when he thought that he was in the bathroom, but in reality he was just in the corner and he pissed all over my roommate's cowboy boots. That's the only time I've ever done that. But I remember her waking up and being like, Ed, you're not in the bathroom.

Ed, stop pissing. Ed, stop pissing on my cowboy boots. And then I hit her. And then we all went back to sleep. You're young. What a scary monster. That's what we forget. That's what the blisters don't realize.

Ed is like really scary looking. No, he's not. He's got a rainbow t-shirt on. So you only pissed in like the wrong place once? Yeah. Man, I wish I could do that. Yeah, that's fine.

All right. I wish I could do that. It would be nice. I wish you could do that too. I would love to have a beer with you. One of these days. We will. One of be nice. I wish you could do that too. I would love to have a beer with you. One of these days. We will. One of these days.

One day just go off the rails. No! I hate this! I feel like I need a little bit of notoriety. A little bit of... A cause to celebrate. And to have that relapse

and be the hero that comes back from the relapse. Yeah. You know? Like an Artie Lang. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then everybody's like, oh, look at him.

He's doing so good. You know? Now it's just like it's been a while and the hero thing's worn off. It's not a big deal. Yeah. Now you're sort of being human being. Every once in a while you've got to fuck shit up and let people know what you're capable of.

And they're like, oh, look at him. That is true though that's a good point that's the problem that is a very good point alright Marcus another news story perhaps yeah yeah yeah

an Australian man who got a tattooist to ink a nearly 16 inch penis on his disabled pal's back without his knowledge has been jailed what

that makes sense yeah Christopher William Lord 23 was locked up for 12 months after admitting to egging on artist Matthew Frank Brady, 24. I mean, who's more of an artist? Like this guy or a guy who works at Subway making sandwiches? I mean, he draws. This guy draws.

It's a tattoo artist. Look at the tattoo. So he can't. Oh, yeah. No, it's rough. It's pretty goddamn rough. Does it say I love it underneath it? It says I love cock, but they blurred out cock. Oh, yeah.

I would love something like that on my back. But they didn't blur out the giant dick. Why didn't they write cock lover with a U instead of an E? Yeah, they spelled love L-U-V. I guess he just told him to do the worst possible dick and balls that he could. He did a year in jail? The guy who encouraged the tattoo artist to do it did a year in jail. So the tattoo artist did not do the year in jail?

No. No, no, no. He's still giving people tattoos. And terrible tattoos. He's disabled. No. I feel like... No, the man who got tattooed is disabled.

I know, that's what I'm saying. Isn't it funny? I feel like if I was disabled and someone pulls a brink like that and be like, now I got a dick on my back. What do you mean? What do you mean, Jackie? Why did this guy go to jail? He shouldn't go to jail for that. It's funny. The guy's autistic. Is he autistic

or is he paralyzed? He's autistic, but let me give you a timeline. Okay. Lord was with Brady. What? At his Queensland. Lord, the guy who egged on the tattoo artist, and Brady, the tattoo artist himself, they were together. The guy's name is Lord?

Yes. His last name is Lord. Okay. His first name is Christopher. Okay. Christ Lord? His last name is Lord. Okay. Yeah, his first name is Christopher. Okay. All right. Christ Lord? That's really...

That's a pretty fucking bold name for the parents to give him. I'll tell you that. Christ Lord. So, they were at his home when the victim came to the door. Brady reportedly accused the man of raping a girl, which he denied before hitting him in the groin. Okay. Then... So these guys in their minds, they're

heroes. They're going to a rapist's house and they're going to teach him that? Was the rape part of the prank? The rapist came to... I don't know where that comes in. No, no, no. The autistic guy came to the other two guys' house and then they told the autistic guy they blamed him for a rape, hit him in the nuts, Oh my God. And then they told the autistic guy they blamed him for a rape, hit him in the nuts.

Oh, my God. And then after that, they started downing rum, which led to Brady and Lord convincing the victim to have a yin-yang symbol along with a dragon and a tiger inked on his back. Laker, are you sure you're sober and you haven't been to wherever? What's the name of this town? Queensland. It's in Australia. I feel like dick and balls is much better than a yin yang with a dragon and a tiger. That's pretty fucking badass.

No, it's not badass. Was it Chinese New Year? Yeah. So Brady began to tattoo the man, but instead of drawing the agreed symbols, started outlining a giant penis and testicles, and underneath he wrote the obscene phrase, I love cock. I mean, you're drunk off rum, you think the guy's a rapist. It's kind of funny. But he's not a rapist. They just called him a rapist to see him react to it, Ben.

Are you sure that's what happened, Ed? Maybe he is a fucking autistic rapist. I mean, that's a good point. I don't know. Then he would be really good at it. Yeah. Autistic? Yeah.

Unfeeling, you know? I don't know. I have no idea. I've never heard of an autistic person raping anybody. I don't think they can. Yeah, they can. Of course. Oh, yeah.

They get hard. Oh, they get real hard. Autistic people can do whatever normal people can do. You lock them up, right? They still got to lock them up. Yeah, you got to lock them up. Where do you put them? Do you put them in a jail?

Do you put them in prison? Or do you put them in like a- A hangover prison. Yeah, you put them in the hangover prison. Put them in El Torito. They're born with crab claws. You got to cut them off when they're a baby. Yeah, you beat them with it.

Yeah, yeah. Until they're smart again. No, but honestly, a retard rapes a woman. What do you do with it? I mean, well, the vast majority... They're going to parade. They're going to parade. Now you're talking about a retard.

Retard versus autistic. Very different. Autistic is like everybody now. Everybody's autistic. It's like a gluten allergy. It lets autistic people in jail probably. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

We just missed being autistic. Yeah. Like, that's like the new shit. Yeah, we were just dumb. ADD was our thing. ADHD was me. People actually do this where they're like, I'm a little autistic.

Everybody's on that spectrum with gay. Everybody's a little gay and everybody's a little autistic. They're both spectrums. It's a great world. I feel like the guy who had sex with a prostitute before you is less gay than you are though. It's a little autistic. Yeah. They're both spectrums. I love it. Yeah, it's a great world. That's right. It's the future. I feel like the guy who had sex with a prostitute before you is less gay than you are, though,

on the spectrum. What? I think he's less gay. Who is? The guy who went first. Yeah, definitely. Yeah. Yeah, definitely.

You would say so. I don't think it's gay as much as just not giving a shit. This is how you test it. You put a bunch of penises in a big bucket, right? And if the guy can guess how many are in there and he gets hard from it, we know he's both.

Okay. No, but it used to be like you'd have to pick. Now you don't have to pick anymore. Yeah. You can fuck whoever you want. It's great. That's true. It's good future times. But that's why this guy's a fucking rapist. And afterwards, after the That's true. It's good future times. But that's why this guy's a fucking rapist. Yeah.

And afterwards, after the tattoo had been drawn, the victim fled the property and showed his back to other friends who told him what had really been drawn. Oh, my goodness. He didn't want to look in a mirror once. Yeah, he didn't see it. Yeah, he didn't look in the mirror at all. I was like, you're going to figure it out that, like,

that they're not drawing a yin-yang with a dragon and a tiger. It's like a huge penis. This is also called the Croatian's Dilemma. The balls might feel a little like a yin-yang. Maybe. I think it's the balls that tricked them. Oh, and the dick was the dragon.

Yeah. See, they had to keep telling them that they were adding it like first to a yin-yang. Yeah, I Love Cock was a tiger underneath it. Right. Wow. Yeah. Right. That's pretty smart.

That's really smart. Yeah, these guys are brilliant. What happened? He shouldn't have gone to jail. That's it. I mean, one year in prison. I feel like the guy encouraging the tattoo artist is still the tattoo artist that did it, right?

So I'm not sure why the one guy got 12 months in prison. Yeah, the tattoo artist got nothing? It's Australia. Yeah, I don't think the tattoo artist got anything. Yeah, tattoo artists in Australia are referred to as gods. Yeah. Yeah. I heard that.

It goes back to being a penal colony. Yay! The tattoo artist ran everything. In order to become a tattoo artist, you have to actually put a tattoo on a crocodile's belly in Australia, which is, I think, why it's so difficult to become one. I like it. Holden McNeely, everybody. No, that's a good point, though.

I think that that's completely true. There's no doubt about it. Absolutely. All right, so we got one more story before we go to the segment for today. All right. Barbie wannabe Blondie Bennett is making her fantasy of becoming plastic a reality by using hypnotherapy to make her more stupid. Yikes. What?

I mean, you know. Oh, my God. She wants to be dumb, so she's very smart, though. In the latest. Right now. No. Now my God. She wants to be dumb, so she's very smart, though. In the latest... Right now. No. Now she is. No, if she's doing this, then she's pretty fucking dumb to begin with.

Well, we'll see. In the latest addition to a strict regime of spray tans, Botox, and lip fillers, the 38-year-old has up to three sessions a week to make her more vacant. Man, she's only 38. She looks like she's 59. Yeah. And it appears to be working as the Californian admits to getting lost on the way to her mother's home, the house she

grew up in. She's just fucking dumb. Yeah, alright. Never mind. Her tits are way too big to be Barbie, by the way. Yeah, her tits are 32 double J. That's exactly what Barbie's breasts are. Also, her waist isn't small enough. She should take out some fucking ribs. You're going to fucking go to the gold?

Do it right. All right. God, she said, when people ask why I want to be Barbie, I think, who wouldn't want to be? She has the best life. All she does is shop and make herself look pretty. She doesn't worry about anything. She's not real, though. She's a toy.

No, but there's also a veterinarian Barbies. There's like photographer Barbies. Oreo cookie Barbie. Oreo cookie Barbie. Black Barbie. There's black Barbie. Well, there's a black one.

But what is Oreo cookie Barbie? It's just a Barbie in an Oreo cookie dress. That's a great Barbie. She has a hat too, right? I think so. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Definitely a hat.

Yeah. Getting groped on by a bunch of kids. No, yeah, it's for fat girls. Is it? No, this is a real thing. Is it really? Yeah, yeah, I'm not being an idiot. They did make a Chunky Barbie, I believe. What do you think, Laker? Chunky Barbie's got to cost more

and more plastic. Oreo Barbie's also black. Oh, is it? Oh, no. Does she act white? Is that the whole thing? Good day. Yeah! Yeah! There's also

a white Oreo Barbie. There's also the Oreo Fun. There are actually three different Oreo Barbies. There's Black Oreo Barbie, White Oreo Barbie, and Oreo Fun Barbie, who is white. I don't even get the crossover between Oreos and Barbies. It doesn't make any sense. No, I don't think there should be Fat Barbie.

It's just play with Ghostbusters. Doesn't Black Barbie have a different name, though? She's just Black Barbie? She's just Black Barbie, yeah. No, her name is like Timpani or something. I thought her name was just Barbie. No, they all have different names. It's literally Black Barbie?

That's her fucking name on Black Bart? I mean, well, that's what I typed into Google. Black Barbie? Just Black Barbie, yeah. Type in what's Black Barbie's name. All right, we've got to figure this out. Well, because there's Skipper. That's the little sister of Barbie.

And then she has another brown-haired bitch. I think her name is something. Yeah, the brown-haired girl's a bitch, right? Yeah, she's the bitch one. Why is she a bitch? Because she's a brunette. think her name is something. Yeah, the brown haired girl is a bitch, right? Yeah, she's the bitch one. Why is she a bitch? Because she's a brunette. The blonde one is nicer. She's too sassy.

Yeah. The black Barbies are named Francie and Christy. Oh, okay. Francie? Francie. Francine? No, Francie. Like the France, but put an E at the end.

I hate that. There is an E at the end of France. I mean, I have to piss. I'll be back. I meant the syllable, like the pronunciation E. Like Francis. Like an extra E. Like an extra E.

Yeah, well, IE. France minus the E. I fucking hate it. That's like a weird white person name instead of a weird black person name. Yeah. No, they kept it. Francie and Christy, right? Those weird black person name. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, they kept it. Francie and Christy, right? Those are very white names.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Christy is very, very white. Well, they didn't want to go over the top. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because these are white people coming up with the names. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. The kids call it Luca Caccia.

Oh, man. Oh, God. Lots of black Barbies out there. So many of them. My favorite black Barbie doll is something that I just saw on there It's kind of great, that's what it's called My favorite black Barbie doll It is called, yeah, my favorite black Barbie doll

It's $34 $34? She comes with a Liberace costume Why? Yeah, look That's from the 1980s. Oh, okay. Liberace was still around.

It's fine. Also in the 80s. They can say black whatever. God, we had so much more fun back then. Actually, it does say 1980. Wow. On the box, 1980, it actually says Black Barbie. Wow.

She doesn't actually have a name. It just says Black Barbie. That's great. That's what it is. Yeah. You know? Truth in advertising, I suppose. Well, it's like if they were in school together, they'd be Barbie and Black Barbie. That's great. That's what it is. You know? Truth in advertising, I suppose. Well, it's like if they were in school

together, they'd be Barbie and Black Barbie. She's beautiful. She's dynamite. That's what it says. The little sticker on it says. Dynamite. That's crazy. Wow, I'm offended. What? No, I'm not. Alright, now it's time for a segment from Old McNeely.

Speed dating with Jackie Zabrowski. Jaden. Speed daters. So we all get 30 seconds alone with Jackie in the hot tub. I hate this segment. Jackie gets a lady's choice, but the real winner comes from the host of our dating show, Marcus. That's right. I get to decide your fate.

So does that mean I give out the roses? Yeah. You can do whatever you want. It doesn't matter. It won't matter. He's making you marry one of us. Okay. Yeah.

So, uh, Dan. I don't have to be faithful, though, right? No. No, I mean, you can do whatever you want after you get married. Thank God. Do you have a timer for us, Marcus? Sure. All right. you want after you get married. Thank God. Do you have a timer for us, Marcus? Sure. Alright. While he's getting

the timer set up for us, I'm going to ready my bones for a little bit of a one-on-one with us. So this is just for a date? Is that what this is? This is a speed date to see about future. It could mean anything. It could mean the rest of our lives together. Absolutely. If the date goes well. I bet the stakes gotta be high.

Okay, this is you become king and queen of a small island off of Jamaica. Oh, shit. Ooh. Wow. Let's say Port-au-Prince. Okay, Port-au-Prince. Ugh.

What is this, a fucking prison sentence? What's up, fucking Croatia? All right, so, uh, let's begin. Are we ready to begin? And we're ready. And go. Hello. What is your name? It's Don. Are we ready to begin? And we're ready. And go. Hello. What is your name?

It's Don. It's Jackie. What is my name? It's Alden. How are you? It's Alden or so, but how are you doing tonight? Fine. What is your favorite store to be a person at?

I like Hardee's. I like to eat their burgers. That's not a store. Either way. You're not. In the room. It's a I like to eat their burgers. That's in a store. Either way. You're not in the room. It's a hot tub with you, Jackie. I hate being in a hot tub with you. I just farted.

That's why all the bubbles are there. Yeah. It's fun to make hot tub slime. You ever slid on a slimy slide? All right. Done. That's good. Ever slid on a slimy slide.

All right. Laker, do you want to? It's just, it's the worst. We all hate it. Is that how you talk to the woman you're about to seduce? You'll see. Alright, Laker, you want to

say something to this woman? Alright, and go. So, did you ever drink so much that you shit your pants? Not yet. Never? She's working out nice. I don't do that anymore, either.

So, what do you do? You know, well, my girlfriend pays the rent right now, but... Oh, you have a girlfriend. But don't worry about that. Don't worry about that. But she pays the bills. But now if we move to this island, then it a girlfriend. But don't worry about that. Don't worry about that. But she pays the bills. But now if we move to this island, then it's done.

Oh. Good point. 30 seconds over. Oh, good God. All right. Big kizzle. And go. All right.

Hello. I am Benjamin. You know, you're the last one here um is this the apocalypse no i mean for the i'm very breed worthy okay so you want to date me now no i don't um well then we'll just sit here and look at each other. Will you blow me? That's fine. All right, let's just... I'd rather watch you stick your dick in the jet hole. We'll do that, actually. 30 seconds over.

That's not bad. That was actually kind of successful. That was decently successful. We still have one left. I wish I was more forward like you were, Ben. Thank you, Chris. That's my technique. I don't know if you did learn a lesson from that threesome when you were 20.

Still got to work on that confidence. Confidence. And Eddie, and go. I hate this. How you doing? Good. How are you? I'm all right.

This sucks. you want to leave where are we gonna go go get hammered and it's that way we can actually talk to each other wow you're in the hot tub we all we can get drinks sent in i guess or if you heard if you drink hot tub water you get really hammered like chlorine chemical hammered. I guess we're going to drink some hot tub water then. You go first. I don't feel good. I know. That's because you drank a bunch of hot tub water. He made the date sick. He made her sick. You can't do that.

30 seconds over. Good God. Ladies' choice. What are we saying, Jack? After you've had a minute or two with these fine studs around you? Who gets the Holden Award to be Holden with you? I thought it was Marcus. Holden wins. And Marcus, what is the non-ladies' choice?

It's ladies' choice first. Oh, I see. Ladies' choice is Holden. Ed. Yeah. He made you sick. I would rather be sick than fuck any of you guys.

That's the thing. She gets too sick with him and throws up for the rest of the night that she doesn't have to deal with it yet. That's pretty great. That is a good point.

Marcus, who is the mate for her? Who will get this island after all? That's the thing. I forgot to talk about the island. Yeah, you didn't do

with the island. You didn't talk about the island at all, but you know who I think you didn't give enough of a chance to? Who? And I think if you really got to know him and really spent a lot of time

alone with him on an island. It better be me, Marcus. It better be me. I think it'd be Holden. Yay! Holden is home! I'm living in a hell! Holden Yay Holdenators Help I'm living in a

Hell Holdenators Help We will build our army Together Jackie The Jackanese And the Holdenators On our own little

Precious island Port-au-Prince Here we come He was the last one It's a city on an island Port-au-Prince He was the last one Will be destroyed

Ridden city He was the last. That's the round table. I'm very happy that Jackie has to be raped by Holden. Go ahead and try and rape me. I've got teeth in my vagina. That's Jackie. What's so terrible about having sex

with all of us? I mean, really. I mean, you're right. It's so terrible. I don't think it would be that bad I mean it wouldn't be that great is this how you guys talk to that other girl

in the fucking it won't be that bad alright that's fucking fuck me go to the round table page on Facebook and contribute your comments

hold it at rtofgentleman.com Laker what's your Twitter at Chris Laker yeah watch the show and listen to the show listen to the show on Cave Comedycom Laker what's your Twitter at Chris Laker yeah watch the show and listen to the show listen to the show

on Cave Comedy Radio fuck yeah that's right phenomenal show I'm Ben I'm at Ben Kissel and that's Jack the Worm and that is

that's my Twitter handle that's what I'm doing oh yeah yeah yeah if you don't please alright alright goodbye let's just get out of here

can we go yeah we can go whatever we go March 8th Murderfish Show at the Pit. 11pm. Ah, yes. The plans of the Marcus Arian Nation are all coming together.

What is happening? Yes, they are, sir. No, I've got them in the same place. What is happening? I don't know. Marcus Arian Nation, unite.