The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 186: Lobocop

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

This week on Round Table: Japan unveils a new Robocop to stop subway gropers, another parrot turns stool pigeon (this time for murder), and a woman uses a dirty diaper in an assault in Florida. Joining us today: Amber Nelson, John Moreno, Henry Zebrowski, and Jordan Temple!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay down, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Ready to go? Alright, Henry, you gotta pray. I'm gonna pray? Yeah, you have to. Dear fake Arabic wizard Jesus Christ, hello.

How are you? Do you appreciate what people do to gay people in your name, you fucking liar? If Jesus is real, I want him to kill me right now. Alright, if Jesus is real, I want him to kill me right now. All right. If Jesus is real, I want him to fucking... Where is he? He doesn't mean it.

He doesn't mean it. He doesn't mean it. Just show up and do something about me calling you an idiot. Henry, have a heart attack. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I was faking it because none of it's real. It's a big old dumb storybook. You didn't let people read for a long time.

Fuck you, Jesus. Have fun in your Harry Potter fucking Dumbledore. Yeah, fuck you, man. It's technically not a prayer. What? No. Yeah, it wasn't. We have to say amen at the end.

Amen. All right, welcome to the round table of gentlemen, everybody. Obviously, Henry Zebrowski is here, and he is fat as ever. All right, who is around this table? That's mean. Oh, Jackie Zebrowski, and since my daddy brother is home, my squirty bird is all hot and wet. My sister. I have sex with my sister.

This is all recorded. Making love to my sister is appropriate. Take that, Arabic fake Jesus. What are you going to do about that, you fake fucking wizard? And I'll beat off to it for Jesus. Yay! And that's Ed Larson of course. He's going to jack off to Henry and Jackie having sex.

That's great. Holdenators ho! Hell no, we won't go. Much to the chagrin of Ben Kissel. I don't even care. Holdenators ho, And if you don't know, then I'll give you a bag of blow. You gotta sit down and learn about some snow.

Or I'll break your bones. I think we dropped it. No, I'm not ever gonna drop it. All my Holdenators out there, I love you. Thank you for all the cards and all the send outs. You should receive all the invites to the special parties and all the things that are happening soon. We're going to have

the scream party soon at the creek. I hope you all can come. We're going to go stand in a room in the dark and scream until we cough up blood. Holden Nader's hoe.

I will fucking, I will fuck the donkey until he fucking cries blood. All right. And that donkey will, good God. Much to the chagrin of Ben Kissel.

It does. I haven't heard you talk in three years, so it really doesn't even matter. All right, Amber Nelson is here. I am. And I, speaking of death, accidentally walked through a funeral today. Yeah. Where was that funeral at? It was in Bushwick. They were walking down the street with a big cross and the ashes.

And I was like, I got to go on that side of the street. Fuck it. And I just walked through all of them. Hell yeah. I knocked the ashes down. I said, he was a little bitch. Whoa. I did that side of the street. Fuck it. And I just walked through all of them. I said he was a little bitch. Whoa. I did that once accidentally. I was like to

walk through the cemetery near my old house in Glendale. I was wearing my trap her shirt. My fucking like, it just got a bloody woman on it. I walked through and walked right into a funeral. And I was just like, sorry bros. He's the murderer. Oh no. like, sorry, bros. He's the murderer. Oh, no!

Benny Hill type sequence, me running through the grapes. John Moreno is here as well. Thanks for being here, John. Thank you, Ben. Holdnators, ho! Holdnators, ho! Can I get that blow now? Absolutely. For sure, because my friend has a coke problem.

I don't give a shin about it. No cursing if you're a Hulknator. Absolutely none. If you would like to send me fan art, please do. On the Facebook page. All right. Fuck. Jordan Temple is here with us as well.

Thanks for being here, Jordan. Thanks, Broham. I'm here. Black History Month is over, and I'm currently- Wait. Black History Month is over? Yeah, it's March 3rd. Oh, you don't have to-

No, get out of here, Jordan. It's our time now. What the hell? I fucking had you here. I meant to say it's every month. Who's going to tell me I'm wrong? Okay, well, then you can stay, and that's fine. This whole table full of fat white people.

That's- Holy Lord. I can't wait of fat white people. Holy Lord. I can't wait for Mexican fartstery month. That's where everybody eats burritos and farts into a fucking urn. That's a funny idea, Henry. Thanks for sharing it. It's not urns in Mexico.

It's just dust. It's just heads in a hole. Yeah. I'm Ben, and that is Marcus with a new story for us to talk about. Much to Ben Kissel's chagrin. No, I mean Mexican farts. Just don't even, just don't even.

I don't think I know what chagrin means. No, you do. You do, you're using it right now. Yeah, it's your shitty grin yeah yeah oh i thought it was getting hard and sticking your dick in a bunch of pile of dog shit oh yeah yeah that's a good one dog shit this thursday march 6th march 6th 9 p.m at legion bar come on out to that every year they're to go. So you guys did your part. Everyone's going to go to that. Dog shit. Legion bar. 9pm.

In an unusual move, the Japanese police has recruited a robocop on public trains to protect women commuters from perverts. Love it. A real life robocop. A real life robocop. But he's not half man. No, he's all

Japanese. It's just a segway with like a bag yeah just a segway with a bag of bricks in it just like leaning forward and a cop hat on it like a knife on one side of it it's terrifying i'm kind of confused because i've seen those videos of people being like shoved into the subway like how like how would he even move around well did you say china or japan Marcus? Japan. That's China. You're thinking of China. Yeah. Japan, they have separate male and female subway carts because the guys are two grabs.

They rape them. Yeah. I just want to watch the Robocop just rip the fucking dick off some fucking Japanese businessman. Yeah, you like that idea? Just, like, shoving his mouth. He's like, ooh. Japanese businessman probably pay him for it. Yeah.

It's possible. You know my rest here. I have so much money, you rip my dick off. Quick little knowledge fact. Tokyo in Japanese means titty grab. Also, Croatia in Croatian means island of retards. I did not know that.

You're going to get it. You're going to get it. You're going to get it and none of us are going to stop him. It's just going to happen and we're just going to be like, yeah, that's the guy. That's him, man. You want to bring it on? I'll fucking lick you to death.

Oh, man. So in Japan, the ladies are sticking fake dicks down their pants like little dildo things. To keep the dudes away? Yeah, so I don't know what this RoboCop is trying to do. It seems kind of counterproductive. It's like how in India where you've got to wear a mask on the back of your head because you're going to get attacked by a tiger. I don't know if that's often.

I think that's from the 1830s. No, they still do that. They still do that. It's so weird. They can just put tigers in a cage, you know? Yeah. That's a big thing. Put them in a cage.

That's when they're fucking insane and super strong, bro. Yeah, they eat all the mushrooms and stuff like that. That's true. My problem is as long as they don't make this RoboCop a male cop, then it's fine. It better be a lady cop. Because if it's a male RoboCop, it's just going to rape. No. It's going to become sentient.

It's late. It has to be. It's a guy in a suit. It's just a It has to be. It's a guy in a suit. It's just a dude in a suit. What? There's no RoboCop. Is it a guy dressed like a RoboCop? Yeah, dressed like RoboCop.

The Osaka Police Department. He's dressed as RoboCop? Yes. And they're calling him RoboCop. Yeah, that's the whole thing. He's not dressed as the RoboCop. They put a costume on him? That's it.

He's dressed as a RoboCop. So what do you mean? There's multiple RoboCop. Yeah. He's the Japanese RoboCop. The Osaka Police Department has enlisted a robot to stop the perverts threatening women. The police sit on its official site. RoboCop is a hammer of justice to molesters threatening women.

It's true. I believe it. So this guy is going to get his ass handed to him. No, he won't. He's in a giant robot costume. He's going to go try and stop them. They're scared of giant robots. Giant robots have been destroying Japan since fucking 1967. That's true. giant robot costume. He's going to go try and stop them. They're scared of giant robots. Giant robots have been destroying Japan since fucking 1967.

That's true. That's Godzilla, no? Yeah, Godzilla and the robots. There's some robots out there. I honestly think it has to be androgynous RoboCop because that's the only way we know it's Japanese. Wait a minute. No. I was wrong.

It's a robot. It's an actual robot. They're very interested. You guys want to see a video of RoboCop? Absolutely. Oh, he's the newer version of RoboCop as well. He's sleek and smooth. That's the movie.

That's the trailer for RoboCop. That's the movie, Marcus. It's the trailer for RoboCop. They show the movie and look, there he is. There's the RoboCop. It's just a man in a suit. It's just a guy in a suit. Yeah, it's a guy in a suit. No, it's a robot.

So you've been confused by, on every angle possible, you've been confused about this story. We just recorded a lot of episodes of the last podcast. I'm very confused right now. That's true, yeah. So is he going to take pictures with people and then force them to date him? Nobody knows. You know, he has the right to arrest people.

He's a cop. He's a cop. He's a RoboCop man. I wonder how many women are going to try and fuck him after he saves them. Women are just so being, everyone's getting grabbed so much, they're not trying to fuck anybody. I don't think so. The Japanese, they're a great group of gals out there. I think they're going to like RoboCop.

They need him, you know? I think it's great. Why does it have to be ridiculous? Why can't it just be more cops on the train? Why don't you just have a cop there? That's an idea. That is another idea. Or teach their men and children to stop roping on the ladies.

You can't just stop teaching them that. Stop touching them. I don't get it. It's Japan. They're crazy. He is a white American guy, right? No, he's a Japanese guy. Yeah, he's the Japanese roper. He's got a good white mouth. I don't know. Is that Lobo Cop? That's Cop of the Wolf. Yeah, he's the Japanese Robocop. He's got a good white mouth. Robocop? Robocop? I don't know. Is that Robocop?

That's Cop of the Wolf. Yeah. Ooh, Wolf Cop. Ooh, I would love that. That's a good movie, dude. That's Robocop. Wolf Cop. Robocop.

Robocop. He's got a gun. Oh, man. I've been talking about this. See, I was just thinking a straight wolf. All right. No, Robocop. Just a wolf on the train to stop people from getting sexually assaulted.

You should be able to use a gun. Yeah. Yeah, you just staple it to the side of his head. Yeah, and every time he barks, the sensor goes off and it fucking does it. That's awesome. It's deaf as a rock.

Like, it can't hear anything because the gun's, like, right next to its fucking door. It keeps on going off every time the door's open. It's the best part. You can't get surprised. You can't get a jump on it.

I guess technically you really can because it's deaf. So your idea is to... You can't scare it. People will start grabbing on the wolf. Getting grabsy with the wolf.

If it's a woman wolf, if it's got a pussy. That's the problem. If it's a wolf. It's going to bark once and the gun's going to go off and he's going to be scared and he's going to keep barking

and it'll flip and then he's useless. You train it. You're going to turn insane and just attack everyone which is also kind of cool. But eventually you'll run out of bullets

because it needs a helper cop to fucking load the gun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A helper cop at trust. Yeah, no, he just shoot it with bullets because it needs a helper cop to fucking load the gun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A helper cop at trust. Yeah, no, he'd just shoot it with a fucking dart. Your idea is to nail a gun to a wolf? But you put armor on it so you can't get darts through it. Jordan, what do you think about that brilliant idea from Henry?

I don't know. I think this is a perfect conversation to jump off Women's History Month, though. Is that what March is? I have no idea. March is Women's History Month? Not black woman, just woman. Just woman? One woman's history.

It's separate. It isn't a Jackie. Separate but equal. Do you want to say something for Women's History Month? I mean, it has just begun. Not racist.

I suck my brother. All right, how about Amber? Amber, you listen. Thank you, and that was a good segue, good transition. Good transition. She was just talking about wanting to have sex

with her brother there, who is Henry. It's because I bought her. She owns me. You know what? It's Women's History Month. Basically, I'm a feminist that just believes that we're equal. That means we can be horrible, too. Go ahead and fuck your brother.

Women's History Month. Can I say something about Women's History Month? that we're equal, so that means we can be horrible too. Go ahead and fuck your brother. Thank you. Women's Web has come full circle. Can I say something about Women's History Month? I just think it's really great that without women in history, we wouldn't have birthed so many amazing men. I think that that's a great point. That wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. It was going to be much worse.

John always does a very good job on the show. Yeah, he does a great job. So thank you, John, for being the best part of Murder Fist on the show right now. No doubt about that. Well, happy Women's History Month. Yeah. Thank you. Congratulations.

Swing them high, girls. That's right. Take off your shirts. That's right. Run around naked. Show your fucking ass. Show my ass. I like to take out my ovaries and Throw them out. Take off your shirts. That's right. Run around naked. Show your fucking ass. Show my ass. I like to take out my ovaries and whip them around.

Beat them on the voting polls. Yeah, like a nun drug. And choo-choos. That's right. And choo-choos. Yeah, like tea bags. What's that little drum from the end of Karate Kid 2? A dogo.

But it's got ovaries on the end of it. They're called bingo bongos. Yeah, bingo bongos. And when you use it, it just nags and nags and nags. That's right. Never shuts up about leaving the toilet seat up. Yeah, as if there's a big sign of disrespect. I just forgot.

During Women's History Month, I actually kind of treat elevators like tiny restaurants. So when a white woman's in the elevator with me and she grabs a purse, I just assume she wants me to pay for this date. Here's $5. I hope you enjoy the rest of your elevator. They treat me so good, those twice women. Jackie Amber, I appreciate you. I love you. Keep doing what you're doing. Thanks, Jordan. Yeah, maybe I'll leave the seat,

I guess the seat down then for one month. Although, I do believe it's a better method to leave the seat up and have women put the seat down. I don't think that women

really care about this anymore. No, they do. They do. Who cares about this? I have never given a fuck. It drives me nuts. I've never said anything

to my boyfriend. I don't give a fuck. I just put the fucking seat down. Is that fucking hard? I think so given a fuck. It drives me nuts. I've never said anything to my boyfriend. I don't give a fuck. I just put the fucking seat down. Is that fucking hard? I think some girls think they're being cute, you know, and it's just like, I hate it. Shut the fuck up. Would you really just like flop down on the toilet and not even look down? I even look down.

Sometimes every once in a while I'll feel like my cheeks hit the water and it's like, oh, there's no toilet seat. That's kind of funny, though. Yeah. Better than a cup of Vulture. I solved that problem by ripping the toilet out of my bathroom and putting a fucking bucket down. Then it's like you just fucking, there's nothing to move there.

Yes. Walk down on it. That's a quality. Do your thing. Yeah. Absolutely. And I'll tell you what. You want to do something nice for me?

Throw that fucking bucket of shit out sometime. That would blow my fucking ass out. Every once in a while sometime you can pour it down the fucking bathroom the fucking tub drain if you want you gotta get it out you gotta mash the shit through the fucking but then she has to clean the tub after she does it because she made the mess absolutely i wish i was living in indo china that's not real anymore yeah that's a different time Different time entirely Well I've been to your apartment Holden

And it is like a third world country there Absolutely It is Absolutely It's musty It's got a nice odor to it Real masculine Real tough

Like a hunter Ben and Holden You guys live together A girl's touch Has been nice to your apartment recently They got a new lady roommate And it's nice That's right Ben and Holden, you guys live together. A girl's touch has been nice to your apartment recently. They got a new lady roommate, and it's nice. That's right.

Lady roommate. Woman's history month. It's exciting and erotic, and I love everything about having a lady roommate. Next story? We could, yeah. We're done with Robocop. There's no more to that. Nothing else to do with it. You figure it out, it's a man in a suit.

We figured it out, yeah. We solved that case. He's going to get the shit kicked out of him. Oh, definitely, because it's a man in a suit. We figured out, yeah. We solved that case. He's going to get the shit kicked out of him. Oh, definitely, because he's wearing a clunky suit. Everyone's very respectful. That's not true. It's a pure man to a woman. So far, we have learned Jackie and Henry want to have sex with each other.

No, we don't want to. We have to. We have to. And then Henry's idea for Law and Order is stapling a gun to a wolf's head. Lobo cop is a really good idea. I'm sorry. It's another good one. Lobo cop is pretty good.

It's only legal in Mexico. Oh, I see. In Japan, they sharpen their cocks. Well, let's just move on. Let's move to Switzerland. Oh, okay. Okay, this is neutral. Yeah, they're neutral.

I got no fucking beans against them. No beans. Actually, no, I hate fucking beans. I hate chocolate. I hate chocolate. How? It is chocolate and skiing. Put your fucking fist in the game, my friend.

I say we bring the war to them. But I don't want to fight. But I don't want to fight. Well, you're fighting now. You're fighting now. I just dropped a bunch of super flu on you. What are you going to do, you fucking tall, blonde idiots? Exactly.

Still, they'll probably look real good, though, even if they're sick. They're so beautiful. They're strong as hell. Yeah, they're really strong. And they don't want to fight. They write poetry. Magnusverd Magnusson. The one thing that they're really strong. And they don't want to fight. They write poetry. Magnus Verne, Magnuson. The one thing that they were best known for, which is a Swiss bank account,

they're up and turning on all the American accounts. You're screwed if you've got a Swiss bank account right now. Well, that's a good point. That's our financial report for the day from John Moran. Because all of our fans have so many Swiss bank accounts. Yeah, I was really worried about mine. I was like, oh, what am I going to do with all my money? I think most of us go to the

Jif Bank, which is the can of empty peanut butter that we store all of our fucking cash in. It still has some peanut butter in it. Oh, a little bit. Get me my cigarettes. Yeah, you can't do that anymore. I keep getting fucked up mistaking it for food. Eat all my money.

That's crazy. That's awesome. Just fucking turn upside down, man. Yeah, let's give a nice Holdenators ho there. That was so good. And why? Because you keep on eating all the money that's in the peanut butter. I get too fucked up if I eat all the money. All that's just classic. A Swiss teacher was busted

looking at X-rated amputee porn during class after he accidentally beamed the images onto a blackboard. Ha! Yeah! This is nice. It was a science class? during class after he accidentally beamed the images onto a blackboard. Yeah. This is nice. Was it science class? Yeah. It was not science class.

We'll get to that in a second. Yeah, stump fuckers. Is it stump fuckers? I love stump fuckers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stump fuckers, yeah. The bungling Zurich business school educator reportedly forgot to turn off the overhead projector

as he surfed the adult material online. As his students sat peacefully with their heads buried inside their books, he decided to take a sneak peek at several hardcore movies and pics of naked women with amputated limbs. Oh, that's great. That's kind of nice. I mean, doesn't that mean he's

a great guy? He loves every woman. That's fine. Every woman deserves to get put in a porno. Giving women with no legs. Well, you've been in Hollywood for a little while now, huh? No, man, I got to disagree. I feel like that's the kind of guy who wants to secretly cut off some girl's limbs and take pictures of her. I mean, yeah, of course, but this is what he does instead.

It's better that he jerks off to the amputee porn instead of making it. Is he getting in more trouble because it's amputee porn as opposed to regular person porn? I don't think he's actually getting that much trouble in Switzerland. getting into more trouble because it's amputee porn as opposed to regular person porn? that much trouble in Switzerland.

It should be called like paperweight porn or like something that they can't move around you know like you fucking that would be amazing. You stick it on your dick

like one of those fucking erasers you used to put on the end like the big pink ones you used to put on the end of your face. Yeah.

Bully fuckers. Like the Trodolz. Bully fuckers. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I've never looked at amputee porn. Cripple suckers. Number lover is great. Number lover. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I've never looked at amputee porn.

Cripple suckers. Nubber lover is great. Nubber lover. I like that. They're a little weird, but I've seen them. Yeah. They're medical, right? Some of them have the little grippy fucking tendrils at the end of their stumps.

That's if you're lucky. That could play with your balls. Yeah. Yeah, that could play with your balls. Jordan, if you're in love with a woman, she gets into a car accident. Let's say a subway runs over and loses both of her legs, you gonna stay with her? I mean, Paul McCartney

had a one-legged lady for a long time and he's a fucking beetle. Yeah, the rest of her was pretty grade A. Yeah, but she's missing a leg, though. I would stay with her

depending on whether or not before the accident happened if her brain game was right. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like she's not retarded? No, no. Or is she retarded? Like she's not retarded? No, no. Or is she retarded?

Oh. Like what? Oh, I see. The brain game. Because I mean, not to be like whatever, but like... She still has a vagina.

But it's numb. It's probably not. No, it's not numb. It's still there. I mean, there's a festival sensation. That would be the only way that we could connect in any way. Because Marcus has pictures of like dudes fucking stump women up.

It's hard to comment. That's because I'm seeing it. I mean, a lot of these are obviously. She can't wrap her legs around them. It must be hard to balance. You pull it up and down like human fleshlights. Some of her on top. They are sort of like human fleshlights.

Like a big screaming fleshlight. Marcus, what are some of the names of these nub porns? Have you met Anne-Marie? I mean, I've just been looking on image search for a while now. Yeah, Marcus is into a fucking hole. Just don't put it on the projector. You probably call it like corking. That's exactly what happened to that guy.

It just popped up and he's like, oh my God. I couldn't have a deeper frown on my face seeing these images. You don't like it, huh? No, Marcus, turn it off. I can't stop looking. It's like a fucking train wreck. No, it's post-train wreck

where the woman doesn't have any fucking arms and legs anymore. It's really easy to be in a relationship with a girl who's like, oh, She's sticking her nub in his asshole? No, it's her foot! That's the thing. She doesn't have a foot. She's sticking her nub in his asshole.

Oh my God, she's biting a pillow. This is the worst thing I've ever seen. She's from the 70s. She looks like Anthony Weiner. She's got a nub there and it's just in her butt. She's playing. It's like fisting, but so much worse. It's vintage, too.

That's the worst part. She's playing with herself. I don't know. Oh, she is very hairy. It's a 70s sister. It's pretty airy. I see. Yeah, what's worse, that beaver or her nub?

We just did 911 calls of people actually dying on last podcast, and this is more disgusting. Oh, my God. You guys did another 911? Her nub is up his ass. Fuck yeah. Whole nub up his ass. Yeah. I think that's hot stuff.

It works out. I like it. I mean, I'm happy for them that they're getting happy. Good set of balls on them. The best part about dating someone who's all got their leg amputated is that if you want to break up with them, all you have to do is knock them out and then just leave them somewhere and disappear. I thought you were going to say saving money on shoes. I was going to say that and you get to the front of the line at any amusement park ride.

Oh, absolutely. Yeah. And then you make them wait. Yeah, just leave her on the roller coaster and then just disappear. I just want to go on the record to say I hate you all for making me have seen this. You know things like this happen on this show? I can't say this. If you listened, you'd know.

John has virgin hungry eyes. That's what you know about. Her nubs were just quivering in that last one. She loved it. She had no legs and two nubs. And he was just like rubbing on her nubs and just like holding her. But she just, it almost looks like she's dead. A happy walrus.

Amber, would you shove a nub up a dude's ass if he really wanted it? Let's say you lost a leg in some sort of war combat or something. Yeah, I'd say it works out both ways. Like I lost my leg, he gets something up his ass, you know? And that's it.

We're both victims. A perfect little compromise. I keep thinking of... A transformer. And then he's like... I keep thinking of a Swiss prison, what that's like. They like slap you on the hand and you're denied a chance prison, what that's like. They slap you on the hand and you're denied access.

You know, to be fair to this guy, I'm seeing a screenshot of what's going on right now. This is a screenshot of what was put up on the screen as he was searching. I know this site. This is Pirate Bay right here. So he wasn't actually looking at porn. He showed up on the site. He was finding torrents for amputee porn.

Or it just showed up on the site. What's in Switzerland? God knows. This is my guy who signed up for a fucking website. Yeah, it's legal. You don't download torrents of stuff that can be filled with viruses. You just get the actual website. What website did you sign up for?

I did Suicide Girls. Yeah. I was alone. sign up for? I did Suicide Girls. Oh, yes. Yeah. I was alone. I could do whatever I want. As opposed to now. What are the Suicide Girls? They're just a bunch of

hot chicks and tattoos. Tattoo girls. They're always crying and shit. Yeah, it was awesome. They're just not your normal standard porn girl. They're like... Oh, it's a porn set.

Yeah, they're like natural. They're dirtier. They're like fucking Williamsburg bartender girls, essentially. Yeah, it's great. It's, they're like natural. They're dirtier. They're like fucking Williamsburg bartender girls, essentially. Yeah, it's great. It's fucking awesome. You ever have a chick stick anything up your ass, Jordan? Oh, no.

Oh, I had a girl, a first wife woman I ever dated, she tried to put her finger in my ass. Yeah, did you like that? And she was blowing me. I was like, no, no, no, no. And then we broke up, and I just tried it on my own. And I was like, you know, not half bad. Just like, get out of there. But I had to do it because I know my body.

You know what I mean? Like, I have to do that on my own. I don't trust somebody just, like, taking, like, privileges. Yeah, how long do you have fingernails? Yeah. Oh, shit, sure. They were close. And I bite mine, so it's just, like, a little bit of, like, ribbing.

I'm with you. Don't trust anyone who doesn't bite their fingernails. That's what I said. Yeah, what is this thing with you not trusting anyone who doesn't bite their fingernails? People that are nervous. People who have thoughts. People who are pensive. I have a lot of nails.

I don't bite my fingernails. I don't bite my fingernails either. It's disgusting. Oh, I bite my fingernails. Henry and Jackie, who have just been talking about fucking one another. They are blood. You draw your line at biting your fucking fingernails. We think that that's disgusting.

Yeah, because our hands are dirty and our love is pure. Yeah. Because God said, family, keep it in the family. Make a superior baby of the same DNA combo. Because you make it, then it's same DNA stronger. Like gypsies. Yeah. Well, occasionally, you know, I'm not shoving food in my mouth and I want to put something in there.

And that's when I bite my nails. So, Henry, if God did approach you, what form do you think he would come in? Or she? I hope it's a giant. Very correct. Yes, or black or Hispanic. I would like it to be a giant fucking gargoyle. I don't know.

Yeah, that would be good. Who gives a shit? I like that. You know, like, just a big gargoyle creature, and it's like, Henry, you've always been so funny. And I was like, God, you're fucking awesome. You got a big cigar yeah

and he's like I just want to say you should be taking my jab and I was like get out of here you fucking gargoyle and he fucking starts blowing me I don't know if he's gonna say that

yeah yeah Henry after a quick search I found a bible verse to support your theory okay 100% this is from

Genesis 1930 please open your bible again bang bang bang 100% this is from Genesis 1930 Please open your Bibles Again Bang bang bang Fuck this That's what my Bible says when I open it Now Lot went up out of Zoar And lived in the hills with his two daughters

For he was afraid to live in Zoar So he lived in a cave with his two daughters And the firstborn said to the I love that Two daughters in a cave Two supple daughters in a cave with his two daughters. And the firstborn said to the... I love that. Two daughters in a cave. Two supple daughters in a cave. And the firstborn said to the younger, Our father is old, and there is not a man on earth to come into us after the manner of all the earth.

Come into us. Damn. Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that he may preserve offspring from our father. Hell yeah. It's the same like burn all the gays Bible, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. So they made their father drink wine that night, and the firstborn went in and lay with her father.

You could just hear apostles jerking off as they write this. Oh yeah, this is hardcore erotica. I could hear me jerking off. Yeah. I mean, my goodness. He did not know when she lay down or when she arose. The next day, the firstborn said to the younger, Behold, I lay last night with my father.

Let us make him drink wine tonight also. Then you go in and lie with him. That we may preserve offspring from our father. Getting their father drunk. They're date raping their father. Yeah. And of course that's how the Bible gets it.

The girls got their father drunk on wine and then they laid with him. So what happened to these chicks? Women's History Month. They got pregnant. They got pregnant

and the species went on. Yeah, and daddy fucking shot his snot up inside their fucking daughter rooms and now they have fucking daddy babies. That's nice though. It's a retarded daddy baby.

Well, they might not be retarded. That's what the Bible's all about. That's nice, though. Retarded daddy babies. Well, they might not be retarded. That's what the Bible's all about. That's all the Bible talks about. Yeah. The father's raping daughters and fucking giant whales. Daughters raping fathers. Coming out of my squirty.

Wasn't that like another guy? Wasn't there another guy like a bunch of dudes were banging on his door asking for stuff or asking for a person that went into his house for what, exile? And he said, oh, I can't give you that guy but I'll give you my two daughters

to just rape them. Yeah, it was an angel and it's actually the exact same guy. It's Lot. Oh, nice. He has the same guy

from Sodom and Gomorrah. That was the story from Sodom and Gomorrah. It's like, yeah, you can't have these two angels but you can fuck my daughters all you want.

They're virgins. I love this shit. Isn't that nice? It's crazy, man. It's just fucked up. Yeah're virgins. I love this shit. It's crazy, man. It's just fucked up. That's why they love it. It's fucking crazy. It's fantastic.

It's fucking awesome. It's got porno. It's got horror. It's got fucking Lord of the Rings magic. You got elves. Angels. You got fucking Gandalfs in there. Brothers killing brothers.

You got big fucking floods. It's a surf movie. That would be awesome. Noah's ark surf movie oh my goodness yeah nicholas cage fucking wheelchair fucking going my brother is an ordained minister and i was talking to him today i was like uh oh i feel a little sad because you know i broke my nofap today like i've been trying not to beat off yeah for like a week yeah just for a week you couldn't go no, I mean for a week. That's a long time, a week.

Yeah, yeah, that's a ludicrous amount of time. I felt bad and he gave me like, he asked me if I knew the story about David. When David blew Goliath? Yeah. Another great thing. Big, huge cock. His whole mouth around him.

Those rocks were just him shooting cum into his face. I love the analogies of the Bible. They're so great. That's what the rocks are. No, he was saying David had a man killed of Beshira or whatever. Not yet. I don't know where this is going. But yeah, he was just like, there's a whole bunch of shitty things in the Bible that are analogous to my life that I can read.

Did you tell your brother you stick your finger up your ass? I mean, I didn't tell him I take a shit first and then I do that. Did you read up on this? Because that's the right way to do it. Yeah. Oh, yeah. No, totally. You don't want to clog it all up in there.

You got to make sure. I always make sure I eat tons of dollar pizza so there's plenty of fudge. I always make sure I eat tons of dollar pizza so there's plenty of fudge. I always feel like my butthole's like the Sarlacc from fucking Star Wars and I don't want to stick my finger up in there because I feel like it'll just take it off. I love the Sarlacc.

I think it's my favorite character from Star Wars. I like it because it doesn't say dumb shit. It just fucking eats and eats and eats and has a great time. Burping and shit, living in the middle of the desert. Where's he get all that gas? I can't wait to see the train wreck that's going to be Carrie Fisher in the new movies. She's playing the Sarlacc.

Yeah, yeah. She plays the... Ah, yeah. Where's all the booze? Eddie Toons! Yeah. Back on top. All right.

It's time for parrot news. Let's do it. Hey! He's drooping me. He's dro. Hey! He's raping me. He's raping me. He's raping me. Yeah, Kevin leaves, and all we have is parrot news. Nonstop.

And it's another story of a parrot ratting out an owner. Oh, man, this is great. Ashutosh Goswami. Which country? Which country is this? Okay. India. It sounds like a racist name.

Yeah. You're a sponge. Yeah, Ashki Koshki Kosh. Yeah sounds like a racist name. Or a sponge. Get him over here. How are you doing, buddy? I work at 7-Eleven. That's racist. I said that's being racist. That would be racist.

It's not being racist because it's his name. This is just a man's name. It's a man's name. They have names like that. Wow, that was close one, huh? Yeah, right? Because it's his name. Yeah. No, exactly. This is just a man's name. It's a man's name. They have names like that. They just said that's the name. Yeah, his name is Flicky Focky. Wow, that was close one, huh? Yeah, right? This is great.

So why didn't Henry's Hollywood career take off? There was a podcast that got like... He was racist about nonsensical things, about just random groups of people. Ashu Tosh Goswami thought he would get away with killing his... I love it when it's spicy. I love that dish. It's so good. You should get it from Bombay Leaf.

Man, that place is fucking rules. Bombay Leaf is great. Bombay Leaf is very good. Yeah, I order from there all the time. Ashutosh Goswami thought he would get away with killing his aunt when she caught him red-handed robbing her house. But, according to a local policeman, he had failed to realize that her pet parrot would turn stool pigeon. Did you see that?

That's a pigeon covered in shit. That's what I figured, yeah. In colorful accounts of a most unlikely Indian murder mystery, Goswami was one of a number of suspects until the victim's widower read out the list in front of their parrot, Hira. On hearing Goswami's name, Hira supposedly squawked, Usne Mara! Usne Mara!

Which means, he's the killer! He's the killer! Every time! So the parrot had a consciousness? Because usually they just mimic things. I have heard of three separate occasions just in the last week of parrots ratting out people. We just did something.

Yes, different incidents. That was the Philip Seymour Hoffman's line, right? No, that was the cop's line. Oh, different incidents. So. From what? Separate incidents. So, this bird, his name was Captain Kid.

He ratted out his... That's a great name. That's a great name. It's a great name for a parrot. Yeah, yeah. He ratted out... Good job with Shakasha. He ratted out the victim's nephew as the murderer.

He's the murderer. He's the murderer. He's the murderer. It's adorable what parrots will say. How can't you just spin it like that? Just like, oh, you know parrots. He's been saying that for years. That is one of his lines.

I think it's amazing the cops were like, okay, parrot, we'll use that as evidence. Yeah, do you put him on the stand? I mean, what do you do with a goddamn parrot? He's a murderer. That can't possibly have stood. Well, then what happens is they bring the guys in and they eventually confess. It's like, that parrot, he knows my secret. That is not.

My parrot. Again, that is Sebulba. Always Sebulba. Never do Sebulba. No. Sebulba is the name of an insalvoration. Chicken masala. I come from a restaurant.

Oh, I'm food. I'm food. I'm not even a person. It's true. It's true. Hold it. Don't encourage it. It's true It's true Hold it Don't encourage this It is

It's true It is not true That is a dish My name is Pongsetani Phil I'm a groundhog I'm from India Oh I hate winter time What happens in winter time groundhog?

Oh six weeks we are gold You fuck You just call me a fuck. That is fun. I'm from India. I tell pirates my secrets. Yeah, how many fucking slits you got. That's great.

That got into Chinese there. Yeah. I cover all the races. No, you cover no races because there's hard accents of any particular race. Well, I don't know. The Sebulba is kind of a Jewish accent. Well, I don't know. The Sebulba is kind of a... It's a Sebulba. That's a Jewish accent. No, no. Jews, they...

Gotta stop. There you go. John Moreno's back, everybody. Moreno's back. There he is. So this poor parrot ratted out this guy. Yeah, parrot just completely ratted him out. Never get an Indian parrot.

You gotta kill a parrot. You have to kill a parrot. Right? Two parrots in two weeks ratting out their owners. Last week, we had the parrot ratting on the guy for the DWI. This week, you got a parrot ratting out for murder. I'll tell you what. Did you think it would be a lot more parrots or a lot less of them?

Yep. Wouldn't necessarily be the last parrot. They need to make a decision and start breeding them and burying them. Oh, God. The worst. He's like, he's drunk. He's drunk. Yeah, the guy was driving drunk and then the cop pulled him over. The parrot's like, yeah, he's drunk. We just drunk. Yeah, the guy was driving drunk and the cop pulled him over.

The parent's like, yeah, he's drunk. We just had the parent in the car with him. Yeah, we were just hanging out with him. Just telling him how drunk he is. Yeah, that's what the parent knew. You're fucking drunk, man. He doesn't need a wife anymore. I'm going to go ahead and say right now, I'm making the declaration.

Parents are now called nature's detectives. Nature's detectives. They're the true detectives. What's the Basset hound then? Nature's detectives. Nature's detectives. They're the true detectives. What's the basset hound, then? Nature's fuck-up. No, that's not true. Nature's mistake. Yeah, so we should be grounding, getting them together and shooting them in the head, right?

Yeah, grounding them up, feeding them the Indians. You gotta kill the parrots. The parrots are the snitches. Yeah, basset hound can't snitch. He can only slobber. They sniff. They sniff. Well, he can find someone, though. Yeah, teach a dog to talk and see what it fucking tells everybody about you.

Slobber on a redneck's dick. That's about right. That's where they live. You're from the rough streets of New York. Did anyone ever get caught snitching and stuff and get beat up or things like that? Yeah, I know plenty of guys that have gone to prison and tried to cut their time snitching.

Oh, yeah. Does it work for them or do people find out and they get all pissed off? I don't know. I've heard a couple of stories about guys getting slashed in prison because they snitched or some shit.

I don't know if any of it's true. Just watch The Wire. Nah. What I experience is more like into NYPD Blue. Because I don't know what it is. Dennis Franz's ass? You've just been looking at that? Because the cops just

run up on us and just kill us. That's it. Well, Black History Month is over. You had your 28 days of free safety. You get the shortest month for a reason. You're right. The white guilt is over.

You're not sexually fucked up. I don't know if you guys know this, but the other day, 18 black kids got shot and killed in a Chicago public school. What? Nobody heard about that. You got to be fucking kidding me.

Really? A white guy didn't do it. It's because I just made it up. Oh. Shifty, shifty. It's Black History Month, man. We need to turn up that white gill.

Nah, man. It's Black History Month. See, I had you on your fucking seat, son. It's choking, son. I'm here. Fuck you. It's like one out of four days that you say that though Is a joke it's gonna be true

It's great I mean not in the school I mean are there 18 black kids in the Chicago public school right now? Yeah Well I mean I'm not You're right Your parents haven't picked them up Hanging out on the playground

They're not in school though They're outside It's late It's late They're not in school, though. They're outside. It's late. It's late. They're probably not. They're all getting shot, though. They're all getting shot. Very under-reported.

Up to a certain age, though, because there's a certain age I feel like you age out of getting killed in Chicago. It's mostly teenagers that run around with the AKs and fucking MCs. AKs? Oh, definitely. They got like a million assault rifles.

Oh, no! an mc oh definitely i will have to say that that is irresponsible i picture just someone with a missile like on their shoulder it's woody allen coming on behalf of amber though she did act like a very scared and surprised white woman but there are a lot of white men here and i'll say say right now, as a black man, I understand why the relationship between black men and white women works so well. It's because there are through lines between, like, I'm a black man, but I experience a good degree of male privilege, even though I'm black. And, like, white women, like, they're white, but they're women they they get experienced like it's temper like yeah like they experience white privilege even though they're women so it's like at night it's your big fat dongs see yeah it's true i use too many words but see here's the thing at night at night or at night like the things that we would encounter like are neutralized when we're together.

All the dangers. Amber, she would get to talk to the police, right? Oh, I hate them. And I would keep her safe. So what you're saying is in the dark, everyone's colorblind. That's not fucking true. That's not what he said at all. That's not what I'm saying at all, white man.

White man. Kill him. Let's I'm saying at all, white man. White man. Kill him. Let's beat him down. Hey, whitey. Oh, hello. What are you saying, bro? Kill him, get him, get him, kill him. We accept the, we accept the, one of us, one of us.

We accept the, ramble, ramble. I mean, that is the thing. This is true, Jordan. White people hate whites like John more than anybody. So you can always kill. John's the worst kind of white. I love how fast we all sold John. Put him in the back and take him to the river. Take him down to the Bronx and tell everybody that he's a senator's son and have them all take turns on him.

Which means he's gay. Yeah! So inevitably I'll love it when you all take turns on me. For the first hour. No, but then I get loose after the first hour. Yeah, then you don't feel it anymore. You don't get that plage. You're warmed up.

You got a whole bunch of juice. You don't want to speak to my gnoll juice. So what? Do you kill the parrot and then eat it afterwards or something after it's done testifying? What do you do with the goddamn thing? You probably give it away. Maybe you give it to one of the kids. Isn't that sad? You hit it with a fucking hammer.

Or you hit it with your fucking bare hands. If I kill somebody in front of a parrot, first thing I'm going to do is grab it and pull its legs off. And she'll be like, you learned your lesson? If he goes, he's a murderer, I'm going to do is I'm going to grab it and I'm going to pull its legs off and I'm going to be like, you learned your lesson. If it goes, he's a murderer, I'm going to just fucking bend it back. This is all going to stop

from the very beginning. As soon as you get a parrot, the first thing it asks you, hey, you got any secrets? Is it innocent? You got any secrets? No, I don't have any. You just say no.

You don't say I killed him. You don't say anything. You just say no, I don't have any secrets. You better just go kill somebody in front of a parrot. Sometimes you don't have a choice.

No, you put a blanket over it and think it's nighttime. He didn't have a choice because he had broken into his aunt's house to steal from her. She caught him, so he had to murder her on the fly. So she was yelling, that's a murderer, that's a murderer. You kill someone in front of a parrot, you kill the parrot too. You got to kill the parrot. That's the rule. That's the rule.

I agree. What if you bought a parrot from a pet shop, bring it home on your first day, and you're like, oh, parrot, you're so sweet and lovely. And it's like, I saw a murder! Don't you fucking implicate me, parrot!

Yeah, that'd definitely kill you. Yeah. At least take its eyes out of its head so it can see anything. Ah, yes! That's good. Yeah, just take its fucking eyes out.

Yeah, it can't see nothing. It's blind. Yeah, that's the most humane way. Blind all the parrots. Yeah. They don't need their eyes anyway. They live in a fucking cage. We just got to stop taking all...

We got to stop letting these parrots being able to talk. You cut out their throats. Cut out their tongues. Cut out their tongues. No, let them keep their throats. Dude, I would pay... What if you just don't commit a murder

in front of one? I'd pay so much money to fucking go to a blind aviary or whatever, like a blind bird... Burgess fucking... Just go to a blind bird... They're all blind. Like one of those dog attack suits.

Oh, man. That is going to make so... I will... If I ever get a fucking cash flow, if I have some relative who fucking knocks and drops i will fucking take that fat stack of money and i will open up a blind aviary yo florida florida people uh did any of you like have houses with unnecessary like windows like up in the roof and just see birds just fly right into them absolutely break their necks and drops in Wisconsin, all the windows are made of cheese. And the birds.

I never saw the outside. I wanted to say real quick on a different note. I believe everything Holden says because he has a Four Loko shirt on. Absolutely. Four Loko for life. It's so real. You got that from just like rocking out? I got that from my bodega, sir. You got it as a free bodega gift.

I got one. Henry got one. Holden wears it. Yeah. I'll wear the party, friend. I get more compliments on this shirt than I ever got on my fucking schooling or my fucking ability to do comedy. Schooling?

That is really just the saddest fucking confession that's ever... Hell yeah, sir. Free shirt from the deli yeah. We ride and die. We ride and we die. He's throwing up devil whores. You only go to Harvard if you say schooling. Everybody knows that. All right, Marcus, maybe another.

It is. Another story, maybe, Marcus. Oh, yeah, we're going to go to Florida. Hey. Hey, killed. Hey, why don't we go? And let's get a drink, Marcus. Oh, yeah. We're going to go to Florida. Hey. Hey, killed him. Hey, why don't we go? When was the last time we... And that's got a drink, so...

Have we not... We've had a Florida story every single week, I feel like, for a consecutive... It's pretty easy to get a story in Florida. I mean, Florida's just Florida, you know? Like, we wouldn't have this show if it wasn't for Florida. We should do the show in Florida sometime. Definitely. Yeah, in Florida?

Yeah, take it to Tallahassee, baby. Fuck yeah, I'd love to go to Florida. Fly us down. Marcus, fly to Florida. Fly us down. Marcus, fly us down. Sell your recording equipment and fly us there. Well, you know what I can use to fly us down? This bill that I got from a letter for we now have $10 trillion Zimbabwean.

Whoa! Let's go to Zimbabwe! No, no, no. Faithful listener, I have a letter here from faithful listener Corey Griffin. Corey. Nice. He says, dear Marcus, Ed Holden, Jackie, Ben, all of the chuckle hunters, everyone else at Cave Comedy Radio.

Not Ed, though. I didn't get listed. No, you said you were in second. Ed. I was second. Yeah. I was fourth. Wait, I was fourth? No, fuck it.

Wait, I was fourth? Yeah, you were fourth. I was third. I was above Jackie on the list. You all counted. You were third. Awesome. I was first.

Sure, but whatever. Ben was last. Gotta mail it to somebody. Well, I'm the anchor. Ben was last. It has alphabetical order, though. Is that what that is? No, Ben.

No, Marcus is first. Yeah, and Ben's last. Yeah, Ben's the caboose. B, the B. Yeah, B's the second letter, Jordan. Don't judge him. All right? I'm sorry.

Hey, man. B is like Ed, number two. I'm not lucid right now. We're having fun. Well, then he says, last but not least, Mr. Kevin Barnett. He says, please accept the enclosed $10 trillion Zimbabwe banknote as my contribution to the African gray parrot for Kevin Fund. If Zimbabwe hadn't been completely fucking retarded with their currency back in 2009, this bill would be worth about $3 American. Instead, they decided that they were hilariously bad at running their federal bank and gave up

trying to have their own currency with gigantic denominations. What are these, stones and bones? Actually, the picture on the Zimbabwean $10 trillion bill is three rocks. Yeah. I mean, it's still a paper money. It's just a picture of rocks. It's Africa, right?

As a collector's item, these go for about $2 US on eBay. Still, Zimbabwe is in Africa. The fund is for an African gray. And Kevin is... Man, we can get a real African bird. We could get a real African bird. But most of them are used to smuggle diamonds.

Are you supposed to say Afrikaan? They're all... No, Afrikaan. That's racist. Yeah, no, Afrikaan. That's what white people in South Africa call themselves. So then he says something racist about Kevin? Then he says something racist about Kevin. What does it say?

He says, the fund is for an African gray and Kevin is black, so it makes sense to send it to you for the cause. That's fine. That's fine. That makes sense, right? You don't like it, Jordan? What do you think, Jordan? I don't know. Will you guys turn to me?

Yeah. Oh, what did he say? right? You don't like it, Jordan? What do you think, Jordan? I don't know. Will you guys turn to me? That's why we have you on the show, so you can be our barometer for racism. Yeah. How racist is it on a scale of like Don Cheadle to Obama? Don Cheadle was the guy. He was in Traffic, Iron Man 2.

Oh, no, I know. Can you read it again? He says, as a collector's item, these go for about, he said, still Zimbabwe is in Africa. The fund is for an African gray and Kevin is black. So it makes sense to send it to you guys for the cause. He's sending it to you on behalf of a black man. He's giving us a chore. No, it's just like, have to send to a white guy

so the black guy can't. Because I get the mail. Ain't that always the case? Oh my goodness. Ain't that always the case? I'm just doing all the controlling things. Hold the microphone in the middle like a dick.

Hold the shaft. Hey, we don't do that. Yeah, man. Very interesting. Well, thank you so much, Corey, for the $10 trillion. $10 trillion? $10 trillion. He's not black.

His name is what? Corey Griffin. That's a very black name. Is it? Yeah. He could be very black. Sounds like a running back. Yeah.

He's not, though. No, I promise you. He is not. He is not. We all sound like namists right now. What about my name? Marcus Parks. Oh, you're black. In his middle he is not. We all sound like Namist right now. What about my name? Marcus Parks. Oh, you're black.

And his middle name is Jordan. It's Marcus Jordan Parks. Yeah, Henry Zebrowski. Yeah. Holden McNeely. I hate you saying it. Holden McNeely. What's your middle name, Holden?

James. Oh, my God. Old hand job McNeely. H-J. H-J McNeely. Can we start calling you Jimmy? You can call me Jimmy. You can call me White Boy.

You can call me fucking Beef Jerky. Yeah. No, you don't deserve the name Beef Jerky. Yeah, I don't. The Beef Jerky. Everyone likes Beef Jerky. I love fucking life. Beef Jerky is better than you.

It is. It is. All right. Well, thank you, Corey. Marcus, what's the story? A Florida woman was arrested for battery after striking

her 25-year-old daughter in the face with a used diaper. Oh. 24? It's called a poo-poo bat. Yeah. Use that poo-poo bat.

You got that poo-poo bat. Did she bunt or swing away? Swing away. Bunt would be great. Yeah. I'm looking forward to baseball season. Love it.

Baseball, really? I love baseball. I listen to baseball on the radio and go to games and keep a scorecard. It's like you're in the 1930s. Are you a make-a-wish kid? What's wrong with you? Why are you keeping a scorecard? I keep a scorecard to the baseball.

You can go to ESPN. They do it all for you. Just lit up like Kevin Perkins. I love baseball. I just look at Jordan Space when he's talking about keeping the scorecard. He's wistful looking up into the sky. Yeah, he looks away. I just wish they had video cameras on big game hunting and fucking like in a safari.

It's very brutal, though, and they kill a lot of innocent animals. Use their tusks and waste their cars. Is that one of them? They're endangered. Killshot.com or whatever? Killshot.com? No. You know what that is? It's a game they play where they shoot the animals as close as they can get to them.

They're poachers. Yeah. And then they'll piss off a rhinoceros and they'll let it get as close as possible before they shoot it in the fucking brain. I mean, to be fair, it's pretty easy to piss off a rhinoceros and they'll let it get as close as possible before they shoot it in the fucking brain. I mean, to be fair, it's pretty easy to piss off a rhinoceros. I just want to watch the videos of those fucking dudes getting their shit fucking ripped out of them. I want their guts ripped

all over the fucking rhinoceros. Have you guys seen those fucking animal videos? They just dump the animals in this thing and they fucking shear them over and fucking make meat out of them. It's like on Facebook, people just post these videos. It's something like OscarMeyer.com. I skip all the sad animal videos on Facebook, man.

That's when they just dump an entire horse, like a fucking... Yeah, put a whole horse in there. Just put a whole fucking horse in there and just chops them up. And they put a whole bunch of chickens in there and just... It makes a good patty.

I need that burger, yeah. That's the thing. What are they making with it? A hamburger. Probably bologna. Cow food. My bologna has a first name. It's H-O-R-S-E.

Horse. Horse bologna. Horse bologna. I hate horse bologna. You eat horse steak in Europe all the time. Sure. It's supposed to be great. Let's just start doing it.

Obama said we can do it. What? Well, you can eat it. I can't eat a horse. Well, you have personal ties. You wouldn't even know it was horse until someone told you. No, I can't do it. No, I was actually informed a couple days ago.

I'd forgotten about this when I went home last year. I apparently creeped out a horse. What did you do? I mean, apparently. I'm sure you did. This is not a new thing, buddy, except for you. I looked you do? I mean, apparently, I'm sure you did. This is not new to anybody except for you. I looked at it. I was pretty drunk

and my brother was taking me and Nikita up to the barn to check out the horse and this little baby calf they named Bob. This sounds like a bad story. This sounds like a really

weird story. It's a Texan story. It's just a Saturday night. Well, yeah, and we had to go look at the little calf Bob which he'd been bottle feeding and it's a cute little calf.

But then, you guys are going to kill it. Huh? You'll kill the cow. I mean, which he'd been bottle feeding. It's a cute little calf. But then I saw... You guys are going to kill it. Huh? You'll kill the cow. I mean, we'll send it to kill eventually. But yeah, I mean, you don't form big attachments, but you'll always know him as Bob until he goes off to die.

No, Henry, you're not supposed to. So I found the horse and the horse is this horse Trigger. And he was my granddad's horse. And I saw him and I was all drunk and I was like, oh, come be a Trigger. Oh, and he's got a soft nose and I just patted, and I was like, oh, come here, Trigger. Oh, and he's got a soft nose, and I just patted his nose, and I was like, oh, come here, little horsey, I love you. Is he tongue-nosed? What is wrong with you?

I don't like that at all, man. Oh, man. What did you do to the horse, Marcus? What did you do to the fucking horse? He was like an old man, always fiddling and touching, sucking and kissing. Yeah, because he's a horse horse and his nose is so soft. Did he try to bite you? No, he just kind of walked away.

Okay, Marcus is real drunk right now. And I'm a horse and I'm supposed to be smarter than the people. But right now the people are real stupid. So I'm going to go over here and just like pretend this never happened. He's a good horse. Trigger's a real good horse. Is he scared of you now? What is wrong?

Did you fuck this horse? Did you fuck the horse? Did you fuck the horse? Did you fuck the horse? No. Did the horse fuck you? No. We need to get a parrot in your barn.

Marcus fucked the horse. Marcus fucked the horse. He's a horse fucker. A horse fucker. Horse fucker. That's what the studio needs. We need the parrot in here. Yeah,

that's exactly what a sound studio needs. A fucking parrot. An animal that just screams all day. We should just replace Holden with him. And then they'll be like, well, Holden sounds great. And be like, well, that's a parrot.

And be like, oh, that makes sense. Ha. Yeah! I can't deal with it. And speaking of which, it's time. Are we doing that already? Yeah, yeah. Well, I mean, the diaper, there was a victim.

Oh, yeah, chicken. Yeah, yeah. She got hit in the face with a diaper. The mother, she came home. The mother was drunk. The verbal. She hit a fucker in the face with a diaper. The mother, she came home. The mother was drunk. He hit a fucker in the face with a diaper. The verbal argument turned physical when Christine O'Keefe, 53, threw a used diaper at the victim, striking her in the face.

And during the subsequent mother-daughter scuffle, Caldwell struck her mother in the right brow. O'Keefe was the only one arrested for misdemeanor battery. She was released on $1,000 bond. I feel like I got hit with a diaper before. That's no big deal. When did you get hit with a diaper? In a way. I was at home and they were changing the baby

and my little cousin came in with the diaper and threw it at me and it hit me. I was cooking. This was like two years ago. You were cooking? Yeah, I was cooking. This was like two years ago. You were cooking? Yeah, I was cooking and I was like, you little fucking piece of shit. I just flipped out and then he ran away crying. They're like, what'd you do? I was like, hey, fucking throw a diaper at me.

He was a baby. He wasn't a baby. What kind of diaper were you talking about? No, it was a 10. You talking piss or poop? It was fucking poop. That's kind of funny though for him to choose to do that to you. I actually think it's really funny. I would love to watch you get hit with a diaper.

I got pissed. Yeah, no, you should. Because it is a diaper full of shit. But it doesn't make it any less funny to watch you get hit with it. Not at all. And now it's time for a segment from Holden McNamara. Oh, as we all know, the Oscars are happening tonight. For you listeners at home,

they already did happen, so I'm glad the people won what they won. We're going to do acceptance speeches. You make up the movie you were a part of and whatever role you had in the movie, acting or directing or whatever it may be, and you give your acceptance speech for that movie. Mark is going to pick the best,

give an award for best acceptance speech, and then the winner will have to give you an acceptance speech for the award for best acceptance speech. And I will be taking bribes. Thank you. I will give you $10. Here you go with the $10. I didn't give him anything.

I will. I put it under the table. No, no, no. Holden doesn't have $10. Today you will get $10. Holden's bummed cigarettes out. Just remember you're going to get $10 at some point. All right.

So I win for best original song for the new Disney movie called Indian Princess. Okay. All right. So is it Pocahontas? Okay. Okay. Yeah. It's like Pocahontas, but it's stinky.

Cool. Good. It's like a stinky Pocahontas, but it's stinky. Cool. Good. It's like a stinky Pocahontas. Good to work. Pocahontas in real life was probably pretty fucking stinky. Well, a lot of people were. There wasn't exactly a good system there for showering. Yeah, and the name of the song is they call them Indians, not Indyouts.

And that's the name of the song. So here I will. This is how he did. You want to play music for me? Please come up and accept my speech. You have a dumb thought and you come up with a segment around. We will play music.

We will play music to call you off if you go too long and they will get deductions for that. Your $10 is under the table. Don't tell me how to fucking run the game. $20 under the table. He doesn't have $20. You will get deductions

for going too long. So is this like our acceptance speech? Yes. Oh, okay. I want to thank everybody out there. I want to thank

all the hamburgers I had while I was writing the song. I would like to thank the Holdenators because they know where it's at and they're willing to march with me

as an army. You cannot play the song yet. It's off. Yeah, no, Jackie's playing it off. Sorry, Jackie's playing it off. Indians are not Indians. We will play the song yet. It's off. No, Jackie's playing it off. Sorry, Jackie's playing it off. We will change things, Croatia. I'm fucking looking at you.

And he's done. Everybody in this theater needs to know that your island's going to get blown the fuck up. Thank you for playing him off. I have won. So I have won the Oscar for best actor for playing the part of James Dean in the film The Opposite James Dean. What's the movie about?

It's about James Dean if he was fat. And just like drove really well. And just drove around and ate burritos. Kind of lived a little safer. Oh, I won't go anywhere near them hills, sir. No, no. Mulholland Drive? Oh, no, thank you. I'll stay down here in glendale a devoted citizen with a car yeah yeah i'm a banker um also just

wild lover it's half investment firm movie half like like full-on hardcore pornography it's the first i'm the first one to get an acting Oscar for pornography. Well, you've also already have on-air experience having sex. Absolutely, and this is full penny. I go right up in there, penny front, penny back. I mean, get to the speech. Hey, guys.

First of all, I'd like to thank Satan for this, because he did it. I'd like to tell Jesus to go fuck himself. I just want to say, to go fuck himself. Well, I don't think that this is going to I just want to say everybody is going to

call me no help. You know what? I just don't even say it. That's awesome. You guys can't see it but he has a total 10th act. Yeah. Include the guys at radio, but he has a total 10 pack. Yeah. Glued together.

A radio, man. Biggest nipples on the round table. Don't I have big... Yeah, you have big nipples. Annie Letterman and I have the same size nipples. And you have slightly larger breasts. They're fucking... Oh, man.

Look at that sweater, too. He's fetching. Literally. Why are you showing everybody? Me and Annie Letterman have the same tits. Has a woman ever sucked on those things? What? It's meaty. No. Why are you showing me and Annie living in the same tent? Has a woman ever sucked on those things? It's meaty.

No, I don't like people playing with my nipples. Do you keep your shirt on when you're having sex? What? No, no, no. I'm more used to shirt on when he's

drinking coffee. Yeah, exactly. No, I actually think that's a relevant question. I feel like the only time you keep your clothes on is during sex. No, no.

I'm slick to the touch. You don't want to kill the mood. I keep my socks on and I sit Indian style. That is something I like to do when I fuck. You gotta keep your Timberland boots on like all the black porn stars when they're having interracial

sex. Yeah, what's with that? They love that shit. They got wig wams on and shit. No, it makes them look like construction workers. Yeah, and they got like you know, because they're in porn and making some kind of good money, they got land's end. Alright, Ben Kissel. What film

and what did you do on it? We'll do mainstream. We'll do the Mainstream to Porn Award. I was a porn star and now I'm in a mainstream movie. What's the mainstream movie called? It's called Becky Loves Ben's Dick. And what were a couple of the pornos called? It sounds like a porn movie. It sounds like a porno movie. Okay, well fine. Then it's called Becky Loves Ben's Dick. And what were a couple of the pornos called? It sounds like a porn movie.

It sounds like a porno movie. Okay, well, fine. Then it's called Redemption Story. Becky Loves Ben's Dick was one of the old porns you did. It's the Rebension Story. I thought it was going to be called Bigfoot fucking fucks. Dude made out of soup

goes to the ham store. That was a different one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude made out of soup goes to the ham store. That was a different one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was a different porno? Dude made out of... Okay. Well, I love it. Yeah, yeah.

Squawk Box gets the chick all wet. I love it. Long Red gets his dick sucked. I mean, this is what I used to be doing, but now it's Becky Loves Bad. It's a romance. Too tall fucking gets his fucking cock shorted out. Too tall scares women.

Scares women into fucking, yeah, making a bend over happen. All right, so. I've had it up to here, but it's just me with my hand next to my knees. And it's a midget porn. All right, so let's hear your acceptance speech, Ben Kissel. I want to thank every, you know, first of all, this has been really exciting. What the fuck happened? Why am I getting booed off the stage already?

This is not cool bullshit. I made my own goddamn... No, we're all right. I know where this is going. You're all going to start playing the music as soon as they start talking. It's true. Give the man some more. That was fine, though.

So thank you. I just want to say this has been really nice to be here. I got a dick. No one start playing music. And then I want to thank this has been really nice to be here. I got a dick. No one start playing me. And then, yeah, I want to thank my troubled childhood because I started drinking and then I started talking and then everyone loved when I spoke. So that was good.

So I want to thank my abusive father and I want to thank my mother who never cared that I was getting physically beat and then my gay older brothers because they made my life hell because I was called a faggot, but I'm not even gay. But they're gay. But they are. So then I I was called a faggot. But I'm not even gay. But they're gay. But they are.

So then I had to deal with that growing up. And if I could just get someone to play some music, I gotta go cry. This is really tough. It's really tough for me. I just want to say it's been really hard for me as a man. Man, I love Jurassic Park. I love it so much.

I love it. All right. All right, John Moreno. I'm instituting a new rule. All right. Everyone has 30 seconds. 30 seconds. And then we start playing the music.

We'll go off of your music playing. All right. So I'm winning best supporting actor for the dramatic movie The Waiter. Yes. You're not even the lead of the movie The Waiter. No. You're not the main waiter. No, no, no.

You know what's fiction? You could be the leading man. You're a busboy in the film. Couldn't even get that first waiter position. You could make it up, though. You could just be the first. No, no, no. The thing is, I was the lead, but I still got Best Supporting Actor.

Is this part of your acceptance speech? And the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor goes to John Moreno for The Waiter. Really? He fucking sucked in that. I'd like to... He was a busboy technically, wasn't he? God damn, seriously, who voted for that? I would like to thank Florida State for my BFA degree.

And I'd like to thank my manager at my restaurant for hiring me as a waiter in a restaurant. Get political. What about the war in Ukraine? Talk about that. 30 seconds. I think he's drunk.

I'm missing some salami slices Alright what are we doing Yeah My movie is called See it's up in the air Cause I was in two Up in the air is a great movie with Kevin Bacon It's the air because I was in two. Up in the air is a great movie with Kevin Bacon.

It's great. Okay. It's the air up there. Oh, yeah. It's a tie between a vague sadness and 15 years of community college adjunct. Okay. I think you should just put them together with a semicolon. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. So a vague sadness. you're best actor? Semicolon, 15 years of community college adjunct. Yeah, I'm lead actor. Okay. So, the Oscar for best actor goes to Jordan Temple for vague sadness. What the fuck? 15 years as a community college adjunct.

Yes, I'd like to accept this award. My life has been very sad. It's a true story based on my life. And no one knows that I'm coming out right now telling them I'm actually the real person who served as an adjunct at Bronx Community College for 15 years. I taught very poor kids math

and they never got any of it. There were 50 baby mothers in my class, but only 30 in attendance. And, you know, life. You know what? Maybe we shouldn't let black people in the awards ceremony. Denzel was great. Denzel, but you know they're not all Denzel. I thought it was great.

You know what? I tried, man. Life is real. That's based on a true story. I wasn't that dumb. Play some gangster music. Why can't you make a nice uplifting movie like that Tyler Perry film? Oh, yes.

He's a great cross-dresser. He is one of the best. I can't wait to see Medea Goes to Hell. Oh, actually, that does sound kind of fun. Yeah, it would be fun. Jackie, what do you got for me, you wacky-wack? Well, I am up for Best Documentary for my title. The title of the

movie is I Think I'm Turning Jackanese. And it is the story of me undergoing complete plastic surgery to look like an anime character. And people are going to follow me to Japan to see what it's like to be a white girl turning jackanese. Now, Marcus is going to come with me to... The term is still Japanese. Yeah. Because you are jackanese. Now Marcus is going to come with me to... You are Jackanese right now. I'm making my own breed of woman

here that people are going to they're really going to support. Sounds prolific. The Oscar for best documentary goes to Jackie Zabrowski for I Think I'm Turning Jackanese. I just I just want to

thank the Academy and I want to thank Marcus Parks for giving me the power to be the person that I always knew that I was. $20 on the table. And I was you know, I was racist for such a long time and you know, I needed you. I needed you to give me this confidence.

Yes. And thank you, everyone. I can't believe it. I love you all. Good night. Get off me. It was short. It was short.

Boo. I'm fucking done. I'm off the stage. You can stop singing. I'm the best. The only one who got it under 30 seconds. She gets points. All right.

Ed Larson, please steal this. Please steal this. All right, okay. I may win, but please steal this. We still got Amber. All right, so I went for director of Schindler's List 2, The Reckoning. Yes.

And basically, you can figure out what it is. You know, everyone who got picked on the list is like, oh man, I wish I was fucking dead because of these nightmares.

And they all hunt down Oscar Schindler and fucking string him up. Yeah, yeah. And they kill him and they put his arms and legs in like a Christ position and they open up his fucking legs in a Christ position, and they open up his fucking guts.

Okay, well, I mean, my favorite movie so far. What part did you play? I directed it. Oh, you directed the film. You directed the film. Who did cinematography on this one? Oh, the guy that Spielberg has. Oh, okay.

You got Spielberg's guy. Yeah, yeah. The frog. Yeah. Kaminsky. One as Kaminsky. Totally. One as...

And the Oscar for Best Director goes to Ed Larson for Schindler's List 2, The Reckoning. I bet you guys all picked me because you knew what would happen if you didn't because you saw the movie. And I'm a fucking dangerous man. And I'm running Hollywood strong. Yeah, you're just threatening everybody who voted for you. It's what I want. So you don't sing it. Because you're fucking scared of me.

Well, you're being flanked by officers right now. And I think you're getting escorted off the stage by cops. No reason to escort me off because no crime was committed, sir. Yes, I believe. Yes, I believe. Yes, the name of the pen. All right, Amber Nelson, you are the final winner. Oh, my God.

Okay, so I won for best screenwriter. Oh, very good. And my script is called Robots! And it's Scarlett Johansson, and she's shaking her tits. And laser beams come out of it, and they decapitate everybody on the Japanese rail lines. Yeah, that sounds fucking awesome. That sounds great.

So that's the movie. For my speech, I'd like to get a Native American to accept the award for me. Can I do that? I'll do the Native American. Go on the brando. Oh, here we go. Hall. Wait, wait, wait.

And the award for best screenwriter, best original screenplay goes to Robots. Oh, my name is Feather Wind Tooties. I would like to say thank you to God, all of the gods and God for making this film possible. Now, ladies, shake them titties. You have to do it because a Native American says to do it. That's fine. Indians get less sun.

Much quicker than Jackie, actually. That was the best speech yet. Well, that's not for you to decide, is it? It's not, Jackie. It's in the end, not in the out, in case you had a doubt. Do-do-do-do-do. Indians are the way to win. Oh, Jackie. It's in the in, not in the out, in case you had a doubt. Do-do-do-do-do. Indians are the way to win. I'm going to save you now.

All right, Marcus. And you bet your ass it's your next to Ken in the outs. But like Oscar Schindler with a goddamn fence post up his ass, screaming all hell, saying, I wish there was a God. I wish he was here. I got shitty eyes for life, Marcus. And I'm sitting out in the rain going you're tearing me apart no one's choosing between chimichangas and fucking tacos

no one's putting a rock on oscar schindler's grave i'll tell you that much i cause a lot of ejaculate all right marcus you have a tough decision to make marcus reiner they're good at music i have a very tough decision to make here i mean although i do appreciate the bribes from the McNeely camp. $20. I owe you bribes, by the way. Yeah, I know you do. I owe you. He's not actually, he doesn't have cash.

He's never given you money. I know he hasn't given you money. He's taking out his wallet right now. How much does he have on him? And you know what? I abhor bribes. They go against everything that I believe in. Holden is holding up a $20 bill right now to give you,

so take that into account. No, he's holding up a $20. He's got that Hollywood money. What is he going to pull up there? Hear that, listeners? Marcus. Henry is holding up a dollar. I see more cash in your wallet, sir.

I need that cash. I needed the $20. I have a dollar, too, but we'll put it together and give it to you just as long as one of us wins. Marcus, Marcus, I'm throwing in for the Holdenators. I will suck your dick if you pick Holden. Ew. I don't want that.

All right, Marcus, make a fucking decision. Holdenators, holdenators. Well, I do agree. They definitely hoe. That's for sure. Ooh. No, I mean. Holdenators.

Holdenators. Holdenators. Holdenators. Holdenators. Holdenators. Holdenators. Holdenators. Holdenators.

Holdenators. Holdenators. Holdenators. Holdenators. Holdenators. Holdenators. Holdenators. Holdenators.

Holdenators. Holdenators. I have to give it to the man who's been whispering in my ear this entire time that he will hurt me very badly if I do not pick him. And I'm terrified. Who could it be? And I hope that he's never going to make another movie again. Ed Larson. You know what?

That's goddamn right. All right. Give me a second. If you don't fucking pick me, I'll turn this whole goddamn studio into a press fryer. You're scary. This is gonna... You're terrifying. All right, that's the round table, gentlemen.

Another sham conclusion. I'm gonna come stick this fucking microphone halfway up your ass. You know what I'm saying? I'm gonna shove it all the way up your ass. That's Holden, Henry, Jackie, Eddie, Marcus, Jordan. You know what I think? I think my fucking fingers and my goddamn... Thank you, John, for being here.

And Amber and Elson, thank you for being here. Check out, listen to Tom Pat, listen to the last podcast. That's another human activity. Hell yeah, I love this song. Play it for the rest of the night. This is the cake of your fucking world. Good guy. Louder.

Play it louder. I think he may be drunk. Good work all around, everyone. Good work.