The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 187: Farty Goes to Washington

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

This week on Round Table: a family trips balls from eating LSD-tainted meat, a Florida man is busted for having sex with his pit bull in his front yard, and an Oklahoma man gets lost in his city's sewer system for two days while searching for a $20 bill. Joining us today: Monroe Martin and Meatball, plus Kevin is back!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay down, gentlemen! And let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen.

Gentlemen of the round table. What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. We're good to go, Marcus? You sound checked and everything? You got my sound checked. Alright.

Turn it all the way down. That's perfect. Alright, ready to go? Alright, D.O. Brielle's a boob. Thank you so much. This is my prayer. I am Ben. Very good. I want to pray that Kevin's new show that got picked up on TruTV fails. Immediately fails. It's off the air. He's a failure.

No one watched it. No one liked it. Everyone hates him. Kevin Barnett got a new show on TruTV. I pray it fails. It fails. It fails. Nobody watches it. Everybody hates him. They say Kevin's fat. He's ugly. No one wants to look at his face. And the show fails and fails.

Isn't that fun? Amen. Congratulations, Mr. Kevin Barnett on selling the show to TruTV. Another roundtable success story. It's a grand old flag. It's a high flying flag. That's good. Alright, everyone. Welcome to the roundtable

of gentlemen. Let's just go through the names as we always do. Jackie Zabrowski. I'm feeling like a little picky today, but I'm also happy for Kevin Barnett. And I love you. And Jackie will be in the pilot episode. Oink, oink, oink, oink. Ed Larson, try the soup. That's very good.

That's very good. Holdenators, ho! Holdenators. All right, so by this point, you will have known. The episode is coming on tonight, but by the time this episode this point, you will have known. The episode is coming on tonight. But by the time this episode shows up, you will find out I'm the Yellow King. That's right. I killed the girls.

Thank you. That's what that pitch is. It's the pitch that he hits. I've been gone for like two months and it still hurts just to hear your voice. Kevin Barnett. I'm here. That's right. It's a rat getting raped. It does sound like a rat getting raped there. Holding Ne hear your voice. Kevin Barnett. I'm here. That's right. It's like a rat getting raped.

It does sound like a rat getting raped there, holding Neely's voice. Let's go on a date. Hold in reference, True Detective, and of course, the director of True Detective was at the Murder Fish show last night, and he loved it. He loved it. Loved the show. Called Jackie a true talent. Oh my God, and I puddleddled and I said, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. My pants are wet. She was up to her ankles in it. Well, that makes sense. The fist swims by. I'm sure. In the Chuggle Hut, we got meatball. Thanks for being here, meatball.

How's everybody doing? Very good. National Meatball Day today. Is it? Yeah. It's National Meatball Day. Wow, that's great. So we got the meatball on.

Do you feel... And you have a meat grinder on your hat. We went to the meatball shop. We got himball Day. Wow, that's great. So we got the meatball on. Do you feel... And you have a meat grinder on your hat. We went to the meatball shop. We got him a hat. Wow. Yeah, we ate some meatballs. A meatball day with the meatball. That makes all the sense in the world.

I've never known anyone who buys apparel from the meatball shop. Meatball does. Everything kind of came up meatball today. It was just... It was how it happened. Is that a good thing? I don't know. Coming up meatball? That's a little bit disgusting. Man it happened. Is that a good thing? I don't know, coming up meatball?

That's a little bit disgusting. Man, I cum meatballs, I'll tell you that much. Oh, I wish. Oh my God. I would fuck any man that came meatballs. You can stop that sentence

after I would fuck any man. All right, Monroe Martin is here as well. Hello, fuck Kevin Success. Hell yeah. Welcome to the show, man. Fuck you and

Jermaine and the other black people on the show. Guaranteed you'll never be on. Hey, man. Fuck it. That's great. And Monroe, you have a great podcast as well that you do. Yes. What's the name of that one? Cracked Up. Cracked Up. I'm a Becky Ass fan and me. Alright, we'll give that a listen also. And let's go to Marcus

with some news stories. Yes, indeed. A Tampa... What was that? What with you? You're being creepy today. God damn, man. Get a hold. Do you want us to start over?

Is it because I'm a true detective? I'm fine. Is time a flat circle? A Tampa police investigation is underway Friday after an entire family, including a pregnant woman and two young children, were hospitalized as a result of eating LSD-laced meat. Fuck yeah. Trip out. Unicorns slitting your throats. Yeah, sure.

All right. I'm game. My mom called me to tell me about this, and she's like, I didn't think they gave that shit away for free anymore. According to reports, it all began Monday night when 24-year-old Ronnie Morales complained he felt sick after eating dinner. Morales' girlfriend, 31-year-old Jessica Rosado,

drove him to St. Joseph's Hospital, but it wasn't too long before she, too, fell ill. Rosado, who was nine months pregnant, was rushed to St. Joseph's Women's Hospital where they safely delivered the baby. That's me one cool-ass baby, man. Cool-ass.

Wearing sunglasses right out. Once I become a millionaire, I'm just going to soak steaks in acid. Grill them up and just live my life to the most extreme. You're going to do this when you're wealthy. All right. Yeah, what kind of meat was it? Was it a salami? I feel like salami is probably up and just live my life to the most extreme. You're going to do this when you're wealthy. Alright. What kind of meat was it? Was it a salami?

I feel like salami is probably the grossest meat to trip nuts on. You can't get drugs into a salami. I don't know. You gotta let it soak. No, steaks. It's gotta be steaks. It was just a steak. The stock footage on the news story is steaks, but it doesn't specify which meat, but I would imagine steaks.

What do you think? Ground beef. You want ground beef? Poor people? Ground beef. Oh, man, that's a real hamburger helper. Yeah. Absolutely. Come on, that was good enough.

I like it, man. That was good enough. It's early yet. Getting warmed up. I was going to say Happy Meal. Happy Meal, yeah, it's good. It's far more worth it. Yeah, it's for kids.

Imagine that, being born with your third eye already open. That's amazing. It's a real lucky baby. There's no doubt about it. Oh, yeah. I feel like babies are just tripping their asses off their whole childhood. Yeah, anyway. You see a baby run around.

It's just like it can't focus. It just goes off the one corner, goes to the next. Stares at its hand for two days. Play with the ball. Play with the blocks. Play with the ball. Play with the blocks. You can give a baby a fucking stick.

He's entertained for hours that's a high ass that's like the highest thing I've ever done laughs when it sees a dog yeah for no fucking reason I'm just like

why are you laughing yeah Monroe have you ever taken any hallucinogens any acid or mushrooms shit like that nah nothing at all

I don't smoke anything I drink well you gotta try the meat in Florida yeah but your podcast is called Cracked Up. I thought you guys did meth or something.

We interview people who have been on meth. Oh. I've been fucked up people. Yeah, absolutely. I'm afraid to do drugs. I've eaten brownies twice. Like normal brownies? No.

Starting with that gluten drug. I've eaten wheat brownies twice. That's it. Did you freak out or something? I didn't like that. I was getting drunk, and then I ate like a half a tray because I didn't know. My roommate made it, and then I ate it. She was like, what the fuck are you doing?

And then I just stayed in one spot laughing for like four hours. Isn't that great? No. I needed to get shit done. There is nothing worse than taking drugs on accident than having to do shit. When I took ecstasy, I was just hanging out with my friend. I didn't know it was ecstasy.

A friend of mine just gave me a pill when I was in the dorms and I had a John Madden pill. It's still a pill. I know. I thought it was just a pill. Well, he told me to eat it. He was a respectable guy. He was a respectable guy. He was a respectable guy. His name was Stan.

What's that? Pills? I'm going to eat the fuck out of it. Well, I trusted him. It's probably just vitamins. He was the first guy I ever smoked weed with a gas mask on.

So I did the whole gas. He was a respectable drug dealer is what I'm saying. But I had a John Madden football party to do. So we were playing John Madden football and I was tripping nuts

on ecstasy. He massaged me while I fucking did it. Dude, it was so bad because my thumbs felt like they were really hurting. But I was just playing a video game and then every time my players would get hit, I'd be like, ugh, you know. But I never actually felt any pain

and people just thought I was real dumb. This is a really bad story. It was good, though. It was the worst story? It's bad. Well, I thought it was kind of exciting. Who takes ecstasy and then plays Madden? Well, I had a Madden. Who has a Madden party? That's bad. Who takes ecstasy and then plays Madden?

Who has a Madden party? I once took ecstasy and saw Midnight showing a blue velvet. That's awesome. That's how you do it. It was weird. I'll tell you, you gotta try playing Madden on it. That was nuts. We used to eat ecstasy. I'm serious.

We used to go fishing on ecstasy That sounds Never understood that That is hilarious It's sad when you see the fish Struggling on the line Yeah didn't you feel too much? No no no

It's just a stupid fish I could not eat red meat Yeah you're talking to the guy Who took mushrooms And boiled a lobster alive After giving it a name That's true Hung out with it for a couple hours, too.

If he could live with a bear and not get killed, he would. Oh, my God. He's the kind of person we're talking about. Meatball, how would you feel? I'd bury a bear. Meatball, how would you feel if a bunch of people put acid inside you and then ate you? What? Yeah.

After I was filled with acid? Yeah. That's a party. It's a loaded party. I would feel honored. I'd feel pretty honored. Yeah. You know, because I was the main course.

That's right. You were the entertainment for the night. I was the entertainment for the night. Definitely. I mean, it ends there. The story ends there for me. Yeah, I mean, you got eaten. You were full of acid.

Yeah, definitely. I would not want to be eaten alive if I was tripping on acid, but I think I would let people nudge on me if I was, like, coked out of my brain or something like definitely. I would not want to be eaten alive if I was tripping on acid, but I think I would let people nunch on me if I was like coked out of my brain or something like that. That would be better.

Yeah, because you feel like you can't be eaten. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's kind of exciting. You know what I'm saying, Jackie? I don't know if I like this talk. All right, Marcus, anything else with the meat story?

Yeah, absolutely. The situation worsened after getting into the hospital as Rosado's young daughter's ages seven and six also got sick and reportedly began hallucinating. Fuck yeah. Everyone ate the fucking meat. Everyone ate the acid meat. Where did they get the meat from?

They got it from a store, just a grocery store in Tampa. They got it at a Walmart. Yeah, they got it at a Walmart in Tampa. So somebody went home and just sprinkled a bunch of salt on whatever they thought was... on something and they started licking it. Like, I think this is the salt. So if this is the salt, then where's the acid?

And then the acid was all over the meat. God, we've got to go to this grocery store. Someone probably did it before it was packaged or maybe even in the package. And it said that Walmart has removed the specific type of meat from their shelves and released... The LSD meat. The LSD meat, yeah.

They released the following statement in regard to the incident. Like everyone else in the community, we are deeply disturbed about this situation and we are taking it very seriously. We want answers and we're committed to working with officials to get the bottom of this. But that's the thing, though. They removed that specific type of meat. It's like if someone's running around throwing acid on meat, they're not just doing it to one brand.

It's like, I'm going to drug this fucking meat, but only Purdue chicken. Only that ground chuck. That's the tripping meat. You know what would be fucked up and evil? If you dipped a bullet in some acid and then shot a dude. That would be fucked up. You could buy the bullets at Walmart. But it'll come right off.

Liquid acid? I don't know. Maybe it would stay on. It gets a little hot in the gun though. It would just burn right off. It would probably burn off. That would be great. You shoot him in the belly and it's like, yeah, you're dying. And you're tripping fucking balls. Or you just fill his bullet hole full of acid. Oh, yeah.

Shoot him and then, yeah, just pour a bunch of liquid acid. I'll just offer him acid and shoot him. Hey, you thought it was nice. Bang. I got you, you fucking idiot. Drugs are illegal, bitch. Yeah, that's a very Jeffrey Dahmer of you to fill his wound with a bunch of drugs, Eddie. That's very good.

Fuck yeah. Yeah, absolutely. So there's no more acid. So people in, what town in Florida is this? Tampa. Everything in fucking Florida. So people aren't rushing to the Walmart right now to buy the meat. It's already thrown away.

It's already in the garbage. It's half price. It's probably half price. Oh, there's going to be so many homeless people tripping fucking nuts. Oh, my God. Homeless people, you mean just regular people. Well, now it's regular people. They know it's all...

Yeah. This is going to be an epidemic. A bunch of people are going to be fucking freaking out in Tampa. And, I mean, Tampa seems like the worst city to possibly trip, right? Jackie? Yes. It is. I mean, it's all dumpsters and bags blown in the wind.

I don't know. I like Tampa, man. They think it's a city, but it's not. It's just a mean, it's all dumpsters and bags blown in the wind. I don't know. I like Tampa, man. They think it's a city, but it's not. It's just a fucking facade of a city. It's like, oh, but we have a nightclub, and we've got all this fucking LSC. There's no drugs. There's not enough drugs. Yeah.

There's not enough homeless people. You're right, man. I did go to Tampa, and I liked it, but I was fooled. There was a lot of mirrors there. Mirrors? Smoke. Isn't that the place with the highest suicide rate, Tampa? Probably.

I believe it is. In Seattle, right? No, I think Tampa took it recently. I read it on a list of the worst cities in America. Tampa, I believe. Yep, absolutely. The Tampa-St. Petersburg area has the highest suicide rate in the country. What are their numbers?

One out of two. One out of 50%. And the other 50% are too fucking tripped out of their minds to pull the trigger. Oh, wait. This was in 1983. Oh, wow. So they have a long history, though. Yeah, yeah.

19 out of every 100,000 people. Oh, that's not too many. Yeah, the national average is 12 out of every 100,000. All right. But they also had the highest murder rate or something for a while, too. Ebor City, man. Yeah. Ebor City.

It's fucking dangerous. Ebor City, that's what it's called? Yeah. It's E-O-R. Sounds like a level on Sonic. I don't believe it. Yeah. Ebor.

Definitely. I love Tampa, though. Yeah. Florida's falling apart. But you enjoyed the experience there. You like the ladies of Tampa, Kevin? I like it there, man. It's great. That's where Brandon's from, man. The dude we tricked. Trick it. Lick a dick. Yeah, though. Yeah, Florida's falling apart. But you enjoyed the experience there. You like the ladies of Tampa, Kevin? I like it there, man.

It's great. That's where Brandon's from, man, the dude we tricked into licking a dick. Trick it, no, lick a dick. Yeah, yeah, he's from the hood in Tampa, man. Oh, now I got it, guys. You crazy, huh? Lick a dick? Well, Kevin can tell the story.

I already told it on here, man. Yeah, well, Kevin basically tricked a friend who was blackout drunk. He just told him that he licked a dick the night before, and the guy was extremely homophobic. And then they didn't tell him that it was a lie until three years later after the man went through therapy. From the hood, man. From the straight up hood. I sold a gun with this dude once, man. That dude is out there killing niggas and licking dicks.

He was so upset. What? What? Oh, my God. Yeah, that's a fucking great joke um all right marcus anything else from tampa oh no let's move on to oklahoma oh that sounds good oh that's much better an oklahoma man ended up stuck in his city's drainage pipes for two days all because he lost a 20 bill law in oklah Oklahoma The man told police

He dropped the money Into a storm drain So he went in after it Apparently he got lost And couldn't find A way back out Finally How couldn't he find

His way back out He got lost Go up Yeah go to the Go to the light The fucking place You came from Two days in a drainage pipe

That is one and a half days Too long I'll give you four hours Of being lost in a drainage pipe That's it This guy's going to be horrible at video games. Oh, definitely. This is Lawton, Oklahoma.

Lawton is not a big town. Okay. Less than 100,000 people. A small town guy. So this is actually very exciting for him. The first day... I can just see this dude lost in the water temple of Ocarina of Time Zelda for like eight years. I don't get this game.

If I was lost for two months, that dude is trapped forever. Sad. After two days, some students walking home heard him yelling for help from a manhole. Officers removed the manhole

and found the man. He was a bit disoriented and dehydrated, but otherwise fine. He never found his $20 bill. $20 fucking dollars. You go down there for $20. I was hoping it was like a $100 bill.

Two days of your life, you lost this job. $20. Which doesn't go that far these days. He doesn't have an iPhone. You can just fucking Google map it. Not anymore. It's all filled with fucking shit crystals.

Yeah, that's true. Jackie, how much money would it take you to go down on a drainage pipe? I mean, I don't even know. It would have to be $1,000. $1,000. I'd go down for $1, it take you to go down on a drainage pipe? I mean, I don't even know. It would have to be a thousand bucks. I would never fucking go. A thousand bucks. I'd go down for a thousand.

I would go down for a grand. I mean, it's full of shit and disease. It takes you that much? 200 bucks. Yeah, 200. I'd be like, I gotta get that. To crawl down into a drainage pipe. No, you have to pay a lesser man $50 to go down and get the money.

Oh, and he's going to bring you back the money, too. He's going to bring it right back. What's he going to do? Just live down there? He's like, I'm keeping it $20. Wait a minute. It's all in the hole with a bat. You've got to come up with it.

Eat him to death. And he'll take all the money. Give me half of the money or I'll fuck you. So why would you be walking around with just $1,000 in your pocket? I don't even know. I mean, I don't know. Are you waving it around like it? There was one time, though, when i used to work uh for the moving company and that shit was terrifying

because we used to park our trucks like straight up in the hood like in bed style in this lot and the place was like the lot was owned by like puerto rican gangsters like yo that's our two row you talk to him he's cool they have some gangsters standing out there and they were cool but when they weren't there it was just crackheads and whoever walking around right and we would have like thousands of dollars that we were just counting in cash at like four in the morning there was one time where i had to walk two miles because i had to take care of the money for until the next day i had to walk two miles in the hood four in the morning with 3 500 on me cash you are so lucky the nyp didn't arrest you Just because you know It's in your pocket

You become a target Because your eyes Just light up You're just like Oh don't touch me No one will look at me But a target for everyone If the cops pull you over

So why do you have All this money Oh you're a mover Very interesting You pay money for the night Yeah Or you just get shot For the fucking

$3,500 I'm surprised nobody One dude got mugged I think they like Stabbed him a little bit And they took the money But yeah Other than that

it was a... Wait, did you continue working for that company? Yeah, man. It was a great company. Intense move. He stabbed him a little bit. A little bit.

Just a little bit. Just a tip. He wasn't like seriously injured. He just stabbed him a little bit and took the money. A little bit.

I was fucked up. You gotta cut me all the way. It was horrifying. And stick it in me. Yeah. Give me a cool story. Cause it's like I can stick you or I'm fucked up You gotta cut me all the way If you're gonna pull out the knife And stick it in me Yeah Give me a cool story Cause it's like I can stick you

Or I can cut you Yeah don't fucking cut me What do you prefer You wanna cut Or you wanna stick I like a cut fight You like a cut fight Yeah slice

Slice them up Monroe you're a sticker though Yeah Yeah But you're more likely To die from a stick Like a stick's gonna kill ya Yeah

That's a cool story Oh yeah Almost died As a fucking dude Sliced me to die from a stick. Like a stick's going to kill you. Yeah, that's a cool story. I almost died as a fucking dude sliced me. I got a bunch of loose skin on my stomach. Maybe it would be nice

if I got mugged and someone just sliced it all off. And they whisper in your ear, I just did you a favor. Well, you're the weirdest but best doctor I've ever had.

I'll tell you what, man. I bet your fucking meat's drug infested. I bet you can fucking trip some balls off of that shit. Yes, I bet they could. I don't know. No lady's ever tasted my meat. I don't know.

I don't even know what I had the sentence and then I said it, but then now I feel bad about it. Maybe you should take five. I'm done. Yeah, I'm going to take 38. How much longer do we have? I'll take 44 and then close it out. That's about right.

So this poor guy, but he's fine now. He's fine. Like I said, just disoriented and a little dehydrated. He's fine. He had shit water to drink.

Yeah, water to drink. I think he's faking it. Would you pay attention to that? I think he's faking it. You think he's faking it? I think, yeah,

I think he wants to write a book. Chapter one, I was covered in shit. Chapter two, like, still covered in shit. I don't trust anything he's done. Everybody's trying to get something on TV or a book or something. I mean, this guy doesn't seem like that Fry character who wrote A Million Little Pieces. I mean, he just seems like an innocent guy. I mean, I will say when I was younger, like 13,

and I wanted to be a mutant, so I'd go down in the drainage ditch for, like, a couple days, you know, just to try to become a monster man. And make friends. Yeah, and make some friends with the fucking eels down there. I think this is the first time you've ever broken character on this show, Holden. That's the truest story you've ever told. I'd go down there, I'd cry about it, and hope that I get a third arm.

Or a fucking extra ear. Then they'll treat you differently, and then you won't be cool. The extra ear kind of happened. Yeah, a little bit just like, I. Yeah. The extra ear kind of happened. Yeah. A little bit just like, I'm going to fuck that dude with the extra limbs. I just thought girls were into that. No. Maybe some, though.

Kevin, what were you going to say? I don't even remember, man. I was listening to that weird-ass shit. I would not stop, though. If I heard somebody screaming from a manhole, I would just keep on walking. What do you do? I mean, I can't deal with all this nonsense. Just call 311.

Yeah, I suppose. It's going to take a couple minutes out of your day. Call 911. It might be an emergency. He is stuck in a manhole. It just seems too insane to even deal with. Call 311. What do I do if someone's stuck in a manhole?

Call 911. Call 411. Do you want me to connect you stuck in a manhole? Call 911. Call 411. Do you want me to connect you? Nah, nah, I'll take care of it. I got it all figured out. Marcus, what were you going to say? I was just going to say, I have a story for Holden. Of your interest, I think

you'd like this one. That's great. The city of Grand Rapids, Michigan says it's now okay to annoy thy neighbor. Holdenators ho. A section of the city code stating that no person shall willfully annoy another person is set to be struck from the books after 38 years next Tuesday. Wow. What's the first thing you do to annoy your neighbor, Holden?

Move in. That's definitely number one. Yeah. Move in for sure. Definitely crash in the couch for a little bit. Um, you know, bring my symbols and my tambourines of course for 3am fucking wake up your fucking ass party. All your tin cups.

Yeah. All my tin cups, all my, all my oils and things so I can just like roll around. I got, I got some of my old slime saved up from college. Yeah. Bring that. I doused the slime on myself. Just kind of get all on their sheets. When they're away, put sand in the sheets.

You know, yell at them for like a good while. Like, you know, like four or five hours, right? You know? And then just break like the legs of different chairs that looks like they're still standing. But when they sit in them, they fucking bust their fucking ass. I like that game. Yeah, this is actually kind of fun. You're kind of a fun neighbor.

That's a good movie. Yeah, it's the new Home Alone. I really miss seeing Kevin like visibly annoyed and disturbed at home. He sits next to me! They make him do it!

I've been taking the full brunt Of being exhausted with Holden But now it's nice It's like having to visualize The things he talks about Is a real problem It's not good Yeah like a koala

With a bare naked shaved ass Yeah yeah yeah Fucking horns growing out of his ears Sure Why not Now Jackie is disgusted So basically in Grand Rapids it's now illegal once again to annoy your neighbor.

You can now annoy your neighbor, yes. They should have struck it down because it was a strike against free speech. Oh, alright. It's part of our First Amendment rights to be able to annoy those around us. You don't think so? No, it's fucking idiot. I say, chop the tits off.

Chop? The annoyer? Yeah. Fuck yeah. I just think that was a go-to sentence that wasn't thought out at all, but it was just like, chop the tits off. No, I was paying attention. I mean, Jackie, what happened? Arguably, that sentence had nothing to do with anything. Yeah, I would agree.

I was looking like, is there more? No, no, just chop them off. Chop the titties. I was thinking in my head, I think it would be great to, like, annoy a neighbor. If you had an extra neighbor and you know what they look like and you just draw pictures of them and just, like, slide under their door every day. That's a good one. Just, like, of different scenarios they're in. We actually, we had a dude across the hall in college.

His name was Rob. And we hated him from the first day because I think that's when the first in college. His name was Rob. And we hated him from the first day because I think that's when the first Call of Duty came out on PC. And it was on the local area network. So everybody's name came up and just random people from the dorm was jumping in. And this dude came in named Handsome Rob the Assassin. We all fucking hated him because he played like a fuck. And then we found out it was a dude across the hall. And like literally the

entire year, every day we would draw pictures of him and slide it under his door. And then we went to his dorm one time and took a picture of him sleeping. He looked real, like he's like, he's really kind of misshapen, weird looking dude. He always did this weird thing with his hands.

And we took a picture of handsome Rob and his tidy wife and then put him up as running for president of the dorm. I love that. He was obsessed with Coke Zero for some reason. We thought he was a fucking idiot because of that. And every time

because his roommate didn't care either. He'd leave the door open. He would buy a new 12 pack like every week. And every week we would go into his dorm and just open up every single individual can and just leave. Now, who is doing this? Now, I must know, who is doing this?

I just wonder like how many people you single-handedly put in the therapy. I know, it's amazing. How many dudes? It's so manipulative and so fucking small. All I see is that one scene from Billy Madison It's so manipulative and so fucking small. So evil. All I see is that one scene from Billy Madison with Steve Buscemi and the lipstick. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, Kevin, you better call and apologize to this dude. He's got the list. He's going to shoot you in the fucking head. I never thought to do that to someone, though. That's such a great... It's the worst. If they keep stealing your beer and you just go into the fridge and just open up all their beer and just leave it in the snack. That's the best.

He's not even stealing it. He's not even stealing it. He's ruining it. Nobody. I mean not even stealing it. He's ruining it. Nobody. Nobody gets it. The seat gets it. It wouldn't work for us to be like, oh, somebody came in and opened all the beers for me. Did he ever stand up and say anything to you?

He would get mad, but like, what could he really do? He was... He was Handsome Rob. He was one against probably 500. Everyone was against him. Was he good at column? Oh, he was great.

But he also played like an asshole. We hated him just because of that. He hid out and then sniped you. Yeah, he would just like he would camp

and just snipe everybody. Oh, that's so fucking funny. He's the assassin. And he was always on. So he couldn't like

every time we went on, he would be on and join in. We couldn't even like get away from him. He was too good. Even after all the

no, even it would just make it worse. Yeah, even worse. Out of him. He was too good. Even after all the... No, even... It would just make it worse. Yeah, it would worse. He was just out of spite. That's the only thing he could do to get back. It's so funny, Meatball. You make the analogy with Buscemi, because of course he was going to snipe that dude in Happy Madison. This guy got to do it on the video games, which probably saved your life.

The fact that he could get it out in the virtual world probably stopped him from knifing you while you slept. Or he was practicing every single day. Or that. You will find out what he can do. Definitely. Well, I've always been convinced I only got a couple years left.

Between lick-a-dick dude and this dude, you are fucking a marked man. You are going to die at any time. That is amazing. Did he ever go to you and be like, Kevin, have you seen anybody come into my room and open up all my Coke? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're like, no, man, I haven't seen anybody. Shut the fuck up, handsome.

Why would somebody do that? That's so dumb. That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard, handsome Rob. Within a month, he was totally aware of who was doing it, and we kept doing it. How do you have access to his room. Because his roommate would leave the door open. His roommate must have hated it. So we would just completely

ruin this kid. That's so fucking funny, man. And then it's also like you can't complain. They're opening my Coke Zeros. It's like such a bitch complaint. Fuck you. Fuck your soda. We almost got him kicked out of the dorm one time.

How'd you get him kicked out? You guys are fucking, you were malicious. They were shooting bottle rockets off in the hallway towards, because there was like the guy's side and the girl's side. So we were just shooting off these bottle rockets. And then, of course, that was a huge problem for the dorm. And so they came in, and there's a trail of gunpowder that we left from the girls side of the dorm right to his door okay

well we should have never let Elmer Fudd in here we're gonna kick him out of this university so you just put gunpowder straight up to his door. And I'm sure he was in his room playing Call of Duty that whole time. He almost got kicked out. They come in to check on him. He's just got a headset on and playing gun games. No, no, it wasn't me. Yeah, sure it wasn't. It was with all these

open Coke Zeros, you lunatic. You're on drugs. Alright, Marcus. Any other news here with this one? Well, speaking of the law, I got a couple of weird laws from around the United States. Ben, you've been working on some weird law stuff lately. Yeah, I like that. Dan, this is in Alabama. It's a Class B felony to knowingly exploit a bear.

What? Exploit. How do you exploit it? Like a gay man? Yeah, like shave its nuts. Oh, okay. I thought it was like get it hard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no exploit it? Like shave its nuts. I thought it was like get it hard. No, no, no. You can get it hard, you just can't put it on videotape.

I see. Just point at his dick. That's illegal. That's to discourage bear wrestling. Oh. Bears are smaller down there and they actually can wrestle. Really? The penalty is two years in prison or a $30,000 fine. For bear wrestling.

But they don't die in this bear wrestling, right? They just tussle around a little bit? I'm not really sure what bear wrestling is. I imagine there's a decent kill count. Yeah. I saw a video of a 13-year-old somewhere a while ago in Russia, and he was just wrestling a bear. Like, just for training. The Russians love wrestling.

Winning. Bears. Yeah, no, he was crushing his bear. was just wrestling a bear. Like two for training. The Russians love wrestling. Winning. Bears. Yeah, no, he was kicking, he was crushing his bear. You can beat a bear. Yeah, you declaw it, rip its teeth out, you know, have a good time. There was a program, I watched an episode of that show, like I survived or whatever, and it was about a dude who had to fight a bear, and he beat the shit out of this bear,

and he was exhausted, and I think he only had like, oh, this has to be a Russian guy. Yeah, we're watching a video right now. That's a real man. That's Vladimir Putin. We'll post this on the round right now. That's a real man. That's Vladimir Putin. We'll post this on the roundtable page. This is a Russian man wrestling with a bear. I didn't even know it. Oh, and look at the Russians about to... This bear is going to fuck this dude.

Oh, they're just friends. Wait, does the bear have teeth? Because he bit him. I think so. I think they're buddies, and when the bear bites him, it doesn't really mean it. It's like wrestling with your friend's pit bull.

Yeah, this is a different one. Yeah. You know, you guys are just having a good time. Oh, I've got a pit bull story. Let's do that. A Florida man is behind bars for allegedly having sex

with a pit bull in his front yard as shocked neighbors pleaded with him to stop. Take it to the backyard, man. Is that the plead? Just get it out of my eyesight. Please stop. Just tackle. Get him off the backyard, man. Is that the plead? Yeah. Just get it out of my eyesight? Please stop. Please stop. Just tackle.

Get him off the goddamn pit bull. Would that be legal in Des Moines or wherever with the... With the annoy your neighbor law? Because you're allowed to annoy your neighbors now. That is very annoyance. Elaborate annoyance. Yeah. Very elaborate.

And you know what? Also Tampa. Oh. Double Tampa stories. If I saw something like that, I might blow my brains out. Look at this guy's eyeballs, though. Do we know this guy wasn't eating meat? I'm over here and I feel like he's still looking at me.

Yeah, look at this guy's eyes. This guy's tripping nuts. This guy ate the meat. He ate the meat. He definitely ate the meat. Look at his eyes. He definitely ate the meat from Walmart. No doubt about it.

A word. Yeah, there's no pupils. It's all black. That's not to do with you. Stop fucking a pit bull. If he's fucking a pit bull, he's going to fuck that pit bull. You're just happy he's not fucking a kid. Exactly.

If you notice he's done, you just walk up to that dog and shoot it in the head. Yeah, you let that pit bull get his revenge. That's what you do. You get it a treadmill and some gunpowder. Yeah. It's like a trading scene. We're trading scenes. DMX camp me. Place all his teeth with bullets and shit.

Oh, that would be great. Bullet tooth pit bull. Tampa police were called to the house of Bernard Marsonic Tuesday afternoon after the 57 year old was reportedly witnessed performing the sick act in broad daylight. When officers arrived on scene,

they were greeted by a small crowd of residents who were disturbed by their neighbor's activity with the dog. Several of the witnesses stated they had yelled at the suspect to stop, but he ignored their command. Look at that dog smug shot though. I'm sorry, look at that dog. Do they have a dog picture?

It's just a picture. It's a stock picture of a pit bull. Oh, okay. I just can't believe he stayed hard I'm sorry. They're going to have that dog picture. Do they have a dog picture? It's just a picture. It's a stock picture of a pit bull. Oh, okay. Okay. I just can't believe he stayed hard while the people were asking, like, please stop. I just can't believe it. It's like, what else was he fucking? Yeah, I mean, I don't understand. Why doesn't the mob just break up the sex between the dog and the person?

You can't do that. Beat him to death. In Tampa, you are allowed to beat a man to death. I think legally, yes. Well, especially when it comes to dogs. Of all things, Tampa's the biggest piece of shit. But a lot of dogs are the family, part of the family. Totally, yeah.

And I just cut his dick off, shove it in his mouth. I would say, I guess, in the defense of the guy, pit bulls can be very vicious. And if the pit bull didn't bite his dick off and whatnot, I guess it might have liked it, I suppose. That's why people are scared. Because first of all, that nigga looks crazy as shit. And you don't know how the dog felt about being fucked. You might have loved it. You pull that dog

apart, all of a sudden you got a whole war between that dude and the dog. So people are not going to talk about it. I understand it. This guy was a dangerous man. He was a convicted felon and inside his home, cops found a gun, ammunition,

and eight other large pit bulls. Oh, he was fucking him. He was trying to breed like a human dog thing. It reminds me of that documentary Born into Brothels. Yeah, yeah. Born into Brothels.

These poor pit bull whores. This guy's like the fucking Hugh Hefner of pit bulls. Yeah. No fucking hugh hefner pit bull yeah no i don't want to fuck you i feel like i feel like there should be an instant warrant for anybody who has crazy eyes to be able to just check out their house real quick you want to have one nutty fucking eyes like that obviously they got something weird in there it's like oh they're just you know maybe they just have some weird fetish where they like like you know dudes dressed up like leather reindeer or something and in there. It's like, oh, maybe they just have some weird fetish where they like dudes dressed up like leather reindeer or something. And that's fine.

That's legal. But other times, we're going to find pit bulls with fucking extra holes, you know? I mean, so you want just like it's illegal to look real weird. I think it's not illegal, but we should be able to give you your inside your house. Well, looky, Lou. That's all I'm saying. Right. So you just want a bunch of people looking at our house.

Just one. Stop and frisk. That's all that is. Yeah. Stop and frisk. For crazy people. For crazy people. Moldy would get stopped constantly.

If you have nutty fucking eyes. I don't like your eyes. Can I see your back, Lou? This is taking stop and frisk a step further. I like it. I bet we find a lot more shit with goddamn big-eyed people. Sure, maybe. Maybe.

He must have been drugged out of his mind. I do, Ben. Nine pit bulls, though. That's an awful lot. Damn. He must have been a fairly good pit bull father to take care of nine of them. I mean, other than having sex with him in the front yard. If the pit bull was wet, it was consensual.

Absolutely. Yeah. It's kind of true. That's how it is. It does seem like the toughest dog to have sex with. Like a St. Bernard,

a Labrador, you're like, yeah, they're sort of submissive, trainable dogs. A pit bull isn't messing around.

Until this moment, I've never thought of a dog getting wet. I have not either. Every mammal has to get wet. I've never even fathomed that.

You know, because he had to have fucked these dogs a lot in his own house. Definitely. So he had to make the conscious decision. He's got nine pit bulls in his house. He's like, you're the prettiest. You're my favorite. Right. I'm going to take you outside and fuck you in front of everyone.

This is how I'm going to tell everyone. This is how I'm going to come out as a dog fucker. Also, the other ones probably get jealous, so you can't do it in front of them all the time. Oh, yeah. He probably gets bit in the ass and stuff like that while he's fucking them. It's like that reality show

that Holden and you liked so much. It's a big love. What's it called? The polygamist one. Oh, Sister Wives. Sister Wives. It is not like Sister Wives.

I mean, it's similar. You gotta take him out of the room in front of... You can't have sex Love should be multiplied, not divided. Pucking wives.

Sex with all of them? Yeah, this guy has to have sex with all of his wives, I would assume. Yeah, I mean, not a lucky guy. He doesn't have to. But he can't just act like permission. Like, I'm going to go fuck her. You go chill here. They have days.

Yeah, they have days. But they don't have sex ever together. They said that. We don't do any of that weird stuff. Yeah, they don't do any of that weird stuff. Yeah, even though they all live in like five different houses on the same block. But they don't do anything weird with each other. Yeah, they don't do any of that weird stuff. Yeah! Even though they all live in like five different houses on the same block, but they don't do anything weird with each other. Yeah, but they have different days where they

bang each other, and even the biggest, grossest one gets her pussy fucking filled up. They get along the best. Yeah. I like how he said gets her pussy filled up. Oh, yeah. It is filled with pussy. Cody's fucking jams are good. My friend's a portion of dick meat.

Cody is the guy there from the show. Two shits for three. Yeah, yeah. Just fucking filled her up with loads. And she's got the most kids out of all of them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's got the most kids. Yeah, fat women have a lot of kids.

Yeah. Thank God. Oh, I can't wait. Oh, my God. I have the fucking eels that'll come out of you. Oh, man. They're going to slither right out. All right.

Let's move on. Move on. Hell no. You know what I found? I found another instance of a human having sex with a pit bull in a yard, this time in Las Vegas, and it was a woman in the backyard. Okay, but she was receiving. See, receiving I don't feel so bad about.

That's not true. There's a major donk on a dog. They puff up like a softball inside. They puff up and then you can't get loose for a while. I thought about those barbs. That's so gross. That sounds cool. Kevin just sold a goddamn show.

He can't be talking about all this nonsense. Are you censored now? It's true TV. They specialize in repo shows. I don't think that It's true TV. They usually specialize in repo shows. So I don't think that he's censored. That is a pretty big dog dick. I don't know. I don't want to look at it.

Look at it. All right, all right, Marcus. Move on, for fuck's sake. What's wrong with you? All right. That's actually very human looking. All right, move on. Get it off.

All right, all right. Everything's fine. I want the NSA to find you. I want you to be arrested. We're going to walk into this studio and be like, where's Marcus? We haven't seen him in weeks. He's got three solid inches on him. Guantanamo Bay, you man.

Fine-ass doggy dick. I feel like female nipples. Get that doggy dick. Also, when they're pregnant, I feel like they have the most breast-like, utter nipples that hang down from their nether regions. You ever stared at them? Yeah, yeah. That's why they call their nipples the Zebrowskis.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's good and funny. Thank you, Ben. I don't get that, and I don't think it's funny. Let's move on. I don't want to talk about dog dicks anymore. Can you explain what you meant? And not give me my reaction.

The droopy, sort of disgusting-looking nipple. Are you talking about pornography? Yeah, sure. You like pornography? I know you love pornography, Ben. Pornography? Are you saying something lewd right now, Ben? Oh, is it daddy-daughter?

Do we not want to talk about the girl getting railed on? I mean, we can talk about the dog getting railed on. We can talk about the... How many pumps? I mean, it was long enough where the cops, she was doing it in her backyard, the cops were called, and the cops came to the scene.

So, I mean, response time for las vegas cops has got to be pretty slow so it had to have been a while and they said when they showed up she just stood up and said hi well that's what you say she was all relaxed she just came i was a cry for help she got a bed fucking light some candles if i'm fucking a dog i'm doing it in the shower you think so right in the bathroom you're not gonna? Right in the bathroom. You're not going to get caught. You clean right up. No, swimming pool. Dogs don't like to... No, but water and vagina juice, it gets gritty.

Well, no, you don't... It gets gritty. So you don't turn the shower on until you're done. You're just in the tub. Oh, all right, all right. You're just hanging out in the tub. Yeah, it's uncomfortable.

Surfboard and a dog? Yeah. You feel uncomfortable, Holden? No, no, no. I'm just saying it would be an uncomfortable, awkward space to be doing that in. A tub is not comfortable. I agree.

No, I'm completely comfortable in this conversation. You're already fucking a dog. Why does it have to be comfortable? I mean, that's the thing. I guess you don't really give a shit about comfort at this point because you are sort of an animal. Because you're making love. That's why you want to be comfortable.

I mean, I have a picture. They'd probably arrest the dog for having sex with you, Holden. She's actually okay looking. She has crazy eyes, though. She's obviously a meth head. Look at all that. Oh, no, from that angle. She's actually kind of hot.

She used to be hot. Oh, wow. I would hate to be the dude who had to wait for her to give up the pussy, and then she gave it to a dog. Oh, yeah. You know there are some who try to have sex with her and be nice to her, and she just fuck this dog. Make sure she gets home safe.

Look at this woman. This is a woman that's racing to the bottom. Oh, yeah. She's trying to find her bottom as fast as she possibly can. I bet there's like four dudes that just give her money for no reason. Sure. Well, that sounds great. Yeah, it's not bad.

Jackie, you ever get money from a random guy? No, of course not. It happens, though. A lot of ladies, it happens to some chicks. No. No, no, no, no. Okay. Not me.

I never take the... I'm not racing towards the bottom. What kind of dog was this chick fucking, then? Pitbull. Oh, another Pitbull. Yeah. Pitbulls are sexy. They're muscular.

They're the black guys on the animal world. Yeah, good size. Pitbull. Oh, another Pitbull. Pitbulls are sexy. They're musky. They're the black guys on the animal world. Yeah, good size. All right. Well, that's been a nice 15 minutes on dog fucking. I love it. We can move to pornography.

How's about pornography? That's actually a cleaner subject than dog fucking. Good human on human. Human on human pornography. Standard normal pornography. Right? I know you like pornography, Ben.

Why do you keep on saying that? I feel like you have been in a porno or something. I'd be sad as fuck. If I have a what? Watching you in a porno. Oh, it would be great. Yeah, yeah. Loose skin for weeks.

It was really, really wonderful. Flying squirrel part six. Yeah, exactly. That's what I call it. Yeah, I'm the flying squirrel. And then, yeah. I just thought of this, man. That's what I call it. Yeah, I'm the flying squirrel. Yee! And then, uh, yeah. I just thought of this, man. Oh, chicks just nibble on it and shit.

If you stand outside and, like, there's, like, a strong breeze that's coming through, do your skin flaps, like, flap in the wind? That's how I know

what direction to go. That's the worst thing I can think of. You must ignore him. It's good when he's tired. He can just, you know, float down the street. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's like a kite Just pulls the flaps out Yeah So do you go swimming And kids just sit around you And just hold on to your fat Yeah yeah They call me the bloop

And drown me at the bottom of the pool It's really great It parts a bunch Yeah yeah And then they'll let me up If you get stuck on a sailboat This is the guy you want Oh absolutely

Yeah And he loves pornography Yes he does And this particular type of pornography We're talking about right now, Canadian pornography. Ah, yes. Yes. I've heard of the tell of this Canadian pornography story. Just swim in fucking trees.

No, thank you. Not a syrup. Not a syrup. Yeah. Get a lot of a boots. Boots. I'm a boot to fuck you. Ew.

Ew. Ew. I'm about to fuck you. Canada's broadcasting regulator wants to see more locally made porn on Canadian television, judging by a notice on its website that accuses three channels of failing to meet licensing requirements. The Canadian Radio Television and Telecommunications Commission, the CRTC, said three Toronto-based adult channels have failed to provide a minimum of 35% Canadian content it's very difficult in Canada

in case you guys didn't know in Canada all broadcasting is required to have 35% Canadian content no matter what and it all goes through the government which is why big government is bad and it inhibits free speech are you Canadian? no no no I was talking to my Canadian friend.

It's very difficult to sell a show because you have to go through the government to do it. They should just start using human trafficking. For what? To get them, import them, use them, and then it's made on their land, and then you ship them back to where they came from. But I think they have to be Canadians having sex in the porn.

Yeah, you get the... Are there any Canadian porn stars? I looked, and there was one. And I did watch a Canadian porn. She's disgusting. Yeah, yeah. The one that I watched... Debbie Mountie.

Yeah, it was like Canadian porn, blah, blah, blah. Let's see here. Canadian babe banged. She was all right. She wasn't... What about the dude? She talked way too much. Did she apologize a lot?

Oh, I'm so sorry. There's two excuse me's in Canadian porn. The Canadian porn star is named Capri Cavani. Oh, okay. She's black. Capri does Quebec. This is her.

Let's see her. She looks like Rachel Fonstein. She's way hot. What the fuck is wrong with you man go to that one picture where that other girl is eating her ass the one with the butt eating yeah we don't want to eat the one that everyone should look at look at that

is she wearing a Santa hat it's all about the holiday spirit it's a Christmas one she's just giving not receiving look at that You're wearing a Santa hat? Merry Christmas. Well, you know, it's all about the holiday spirit. It's a Christmas one. Yeah. Uh-huh. She's just giving, not receiving. Look at that. All right, change it.

I haven't looked at pornography in weeks. I'm going to send that Christmas card to all my family. You've been taking a break off of porn? Yeah, I don't know. What? Why? I thought you loved pornography. What is this? What happened to you?

Ben Kissel is lewd. No. He's a very lewd human being. I'm into it, man. I like that shot, though. But Marcus, what about male Canadian porn stars? There's got to be a lot of them. They're all hot.

I can't because I'm a lady. It's just because of Friday Night Lights. And it was International Ladies Day yesterday, I believe. Who gives a fuck? You didn't like it? Oh, yeah. Theadian male porn star yeah the fucking serial killer cannibal uh canadian male porn star what do you mean the serial killer cannibal canadian porn star yeah that yeah he uh killed a chinese guy oh he beheaded him yeah yeah he beheaded him and ate him

and then got on the bus yeah yeah yeah lukeata. That's right. So he's in prison, though, so they don't got him. No. He's out. He's done. I think that's why it dipped below 35%. Probably, yeah. This guy was probably pulling a lot of weight. But now this was, he was a gay male porn star, though.

Yes, yes. Yeah. I mean, they're all gonna, all male porn stars are gay, except like Peter North. Well, you gotta go gay for pay. I mean, some aren't gay, though. Yeah, like James Dean, I guess. Gay for pay, yeah. You got to work your way up to the open mics.

Yeah, man. Eddie, what do you think? A thousand bucks to go into a drainage situation, sewer, but how much would it be for gay for pay? What do you got to do? I can't tell. If you're giving, it's different.

Yeah, I don't think so. You ever gave it? Monroe? I don't need a million dollars. No, but, hey man, for the right money. Yeah, how much would it be for you?

My family got to eat. I don't know. I'd do it for 50 million. 50 million? Maybe that'd be the lowest amount of money you could pay me to do that.

Really? I mean, 50 million, I'd have to do it. It's just a whole. Yeah, it's the thing. I'll get over it with my millions. Yeah.

At a certain point, it's just like, you know, I'll just believe in myself and my future. That's it, man. I don't think I'd do it. Is it going to be recorded? It has to be, yeah. Otherwise, it's prostitution, and that's illegal. Yeah. It has to be recorded.

All these are Canadian chicks? Yeah, this one, Christy Lee, she is, I mean, she, that's what you expect a Canadian porn star to look like right there. Sure, yeah. A little bitch, wearing a sweater. Yeah, wide face. I swear to sweat. Very boring.

Yeah, she is. She's wearing. She's got skis on. It's getting better as you scroll down, though. Yeah, all of these people look like midwives, like housewives. She's not well. She's not well. She's not well.

Oh. All right, Jessica Pelley. Everybody's boning up. Carlos. All right, Jessica Pelly. Everybody's boning up right now. Get over it. It's uncomfortable. That's my favorite. Kate Ground. Kate Ground, where she puts her mouth when she's taking it in her ear.

All right, who knows? I like the Brody Steven voice, too. He sounded like Brody. It's pretty fascinating that the government is really pushing this, right? They're like, we need more Canadian porn stars in Canadian porn. Absolutely. You know, you got to have that equal opportunity in Canada. I'm so sad that that's even a thing for them. I mean, really, Canada, they should be going for above 50% with the porn stars.

Don't you think? I mean, 35, that's a fairly... They got the Frenchies there. Aren't the French girls fucking stinky hot? French Canadians. Yeah. The conspiracy theorist in me is like, this is some kind of a scheme. You know, some guy, a big fundraiser, someone is like, I need to get some government money

for my porn industry empire. Right. And, you know, now it's like, we need more than 35%. Government sanctioned porno. Yeah. I kind of like it. It can't be good. It cannot be good.

No, you just use prisoners. Use prisoners. This is what you would do? Yeah, force prisoners of like it. It can't be good. It cannot be good. No, you just use prisoners. Use prisoners. This is what you would do? Yeah, force prisoners to do it. So as opposed to like that movie Death Race, where they had a race and all things like that? Yeah. So you just want to have nothing but porn at the Jackie Zebrowski prison? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're all getting together in the showers and making some hot smut. Yeah, and then they fight each other to death. This is actually a great premise for a porno. See, I love porn prison, or prison porn. I didn't even know this existed. Prison porn is great. Isn't government weed supposed to be better weed? So maybe government porn is like

because they have the resources. They can go like big budget. It's probably not kinky though. Politicians are nothing but kinky. Anyone with power has their balls stomped on constantly. Shit all over their mouth. Look at Hitler for Christ's sake. I like this prison porn idea. You take a couple busloads of female prisoners,

a couple busloads of male prisoners, stick them all in the yard together, have them go at it. But, warden, I can't. And then they just fucking rape her with a fucking nightstick. Yeah, yeah. You either. Jesus, God. You haven't seen one like that?

I don't think so. I don't think I have watched one of those. You guys have never seen Caged Heat? Caged Heat? Yeah, Caged Heat. Caged Heat, famous lesbian softcore porno from the 90s. Pam Grier's in it. Huh?

Pam Grier's in it, right? She did. She did a bunch of those women prison. She did. Hannah's older, yeah, the exploitation. That's the 1974 one women prison. Hannah's older. Yeah. The exploitation. That's the 1974 one.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. So she wasn't. Yeah. Jonathan Demme. That was a different cage team. Oh, that's the guy who directed The Wall.

That's pretty awesome. Yeah. Shouldn't it be like Caged Meat or something like that if it's the porno version? I mean, cage team. It's lesbian though, right? See, I'm just not into the whole prison thing. I mean, with the porn, because it's like, I just know they're all stinky and shit, and like, you know.

It's in the showers. Yeah, I guess they are in the showers and whatnot, but I'm not. They're all whores. Well, I mean, yes, porno. They're good people, but for the role. Ed, how dirty are these whores we're talking about here? I mean, they're just real dirty whores. They're so dirty

that they're in fucking prison. Chain Heat. You know, there's a whole genre. Yeah, Chain Heat. There's a whole genre called women in prison films. Here's just some of the ones that we have in America. The Concrete Jungle. Yeah.

Chain Heat. Cell Block Sisters. Linda Blair was in Chain Heat. Yeah, Linda Blair was in Chain Heat. Cell Block Sisters. Caged Hearts. Bad Girls Dormitory. Ooh, that sounds good. Under Lock and Key, and Caged Fear.

Isn't there another movie called Pussycat Kill Kill or something like that? Faster Pussycat Kill Kill. Yeah, that's a Roger Corman movie. That's not prison? No, that's not prison. And that's not a porno either. No, it's not. But there's a lot of tits.

Okay. Ooh. Isn't there a Black Pussycat White Heat or something like that? It's not like a lot of porno either. No, it's not. But there's a lot of tits. Okay. Ooh. Great movie. Isn't it like Black Pussycat White Heat or something like that? Well, we could just try to remember all the names of the movies that we've jacked off to in the past that are about prison. What about Farty Pussy Goes to Washington? Oh, no. That starred Stinky Stewart.

Stinky Stewart stars in Farty Pussy Goes to Washington. It's Bill's house, Jeff's house. Now he's been filibusting his ass up there for about 18 hours now. Stop feeding him beef. This is great. You should put that on your show, Kevin. Yeah. Tonight's segment should be pitching Kevin's sketch ideas.

Just so I don't have to do it anymore. Because I'm taking that one. There's this retard writing these real piece of shit. Party Pussy Goes to Washington. Soundtrack written by John Philip Sousa. Oh, man. It writes itself. That's the problem.

The only problem is it writes itself too quickly, and then your show's done and written. All right, Marcus. Any other stories here? We got one more story. This one's out of Nigeria. Okay. Boo.

Really? Oh, wow. Interesting. This is Nigeria. You're in Croatia, Ed. What do you think about Nigeria, you're on Croatia, Ed. What do you think about Nigeria, Ed? I don't care about it. Go back to Africa.

Oh, man. Well, that's where we are all from. We all came from Africa. A 42-year-old father, Pedro. I used to be an orangutan. You used to be an orangutan. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Then I got a shirt.

Yeah, that's about it oh man he didn't get pants for another five years after that monkey dick just fucking swing around all right i'm over it all right i'm still, but it's good. A 42-year-old father, Pedro Enegbe, has told an Ebutte Meta Magistrates Court that a spirit asked... Congratulations on nailing that name.

Yeah, man. Thank you. Well, you don't know that. No, yeah. That's my job, is to make it sound good. Yeah. His real name is like Jeffrey Thomas. And you're like, okay, well well you really had some creative license there.

Jeffrey Thompson. No one in fact checks me on this stuff. No, it doesn't matter. So this guy, Pedro Inegbe, told the court that a spirit asked him to rape his 15-year-old daughter to get a job. He said the voice ordered him to rape the girl

shortly after he lost his job and was idle at home. He said the voice ordered him to rape the girl shortly after he lost his job and was idle at home. He said, the father of three said, I'm actually living with my wife and three children. I have two girls and a boy. She is my firstborn. I have had sex with her just two times. On how it all began, he said, I did it because I thought it was God talking to me. But later I knew it was an evil spirit. The voice said I needed power.

To get the power, the voice said I must damage some things. I started destroying the clutch and brake of the vehicle I was given to drive. Then the voice told me I should stop delivering money to the owner of the vehicle after each day's work. I stopped, and I was sacked. I became idle after I lost my job. The voice came again, saying I should have sex with my daughter, or else I would not get another job.

All the people that get murdered in Africa, and this guy's still alive. And he said, so that's why I slept with her. Alright, well, I love this story. I don't think it was an evil spirit. I think Jackie needed a new cameraman for the porn prison. Yeah, it's very possible. I wouldn't think it was an evil spirit. I think Jackie needed a new cameraman for the porn prison.

Yeah, it's very possible. I wouldn't go to Nigeria for a cameraman. They don't have cameras. A good purse, but not a camera. So he's in trouble for this. I love this picture they have of him, too. He's just folding his arms like, yeah, you know, I did it.

It is unfair. He looks mildly annoyed. He does look annoyed. Yeah. I can't believe you think that I did something wrong. Why am I even here? Did he get a job? No. No, he didn't get a job. No. No, no, no. He got

fired and yeah, he didn't get the job because he raped his daughter there. Yeah. Right. So the voice was wrong. It was wrong. It was very wrong. Okay. That's honestly surprising.

It is. It is. You hear a fucking voice, you expect it to be fucking right on the money. So basically he was just, one voice was like, I'm tired and I want to go home and I don't want to have this job anymore.

Yeah. And then he did that and the other voice was like, I want to have sex with my daughter. Well, the man is clearly schizophrenic. I mean, I think he just wanted to like, not have a job and have sex with his daughter. Yeah. And then he did that and the other voice was like, I want to have sex with my daughter. Well, the man is clearly schizophrenic. I mean, I think he just wanted to like not have a job

and have sex with his daughter. Yeah. Shoot him in the fucking head. Sure. Sure. For the ass of this pussy, I should be able to test it out.

I brought you into the world to have sex with you and go to jail for doing it. Don't apologize to me. It's just, you know. Isn't that Bill Cosby's bit on Why Is There Air? I brought you into this world. Bill Cosby did do that.

I'm going to have sex with you. I'm going to go to jail for doing that disgusting thing. That's the most amazing Bill Cosby impression I've ever heard, because you have to take that on the road. I will. Let's hear it again. I'll tell you, I'm Bill Cosby. All right.

I mean, honestly, thank you. He's here. He's here. Bill, Bill, Bill, honestly, thank you. He's here. He's here. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo. Boo.

Boo. Well, I just want to say, ladies and gentlemen, today we have the most amazing chuckle hunter. Oh, what's his name? We've got Bill Cosby. What? His message is for Monroe Martin and Kevin Barnett. You guys got to get your act together. Start acting more white.

I am Bill Cosby. All right. That is pretty much what he's said for the past 30 years. Straight from the man himself. Listeners at home, that was Ben Kissel. Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That was Ben.

No, you ruined it. I'm sorry. You ruined it for the audience. I wanted to blow their fucking minds right now. Yeah, I know. No one knew. No one knew. That's great.

Nobody knew. We're going to have to get you a raise. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, there's no raise. Yeah. We haven't been paid ever.

We don't get paid for our work. Okay, we're going into a dark hole We still get paid for the craft that we've worked so hard on We've got to pull you out of it It's time for a segment from old McNeely Well, Saturday was International Women's Day But more importantly, today, Sunday, when this is being recorded Is International Meatball Day Just national

National, either way Other countries don't have meatballs. No. That's the problem. Some of them do, but not all of them. Nigeria definitely doesn't have fucking meatballs. Except for that sweet, sweet fucking 15-year-old man. That's a meatball.

Fucking put it in the gravy. So Marcus is Jackie, town table. Good God. I'm dark today. I don't know. It's only dark thoughts today. Yeah, we're all fucking our bullshit. So Marcus is the mayor of the fucking town we all live in.

And we have to, he wants to have a big festivities for Meatball Day. So we're all going to pitch him our festivity ideas. And I'm going to go first and I'm not going to make it up on the spot. Okay? Because I thought about this earlier. Good. Okay? So the thing that happens this earlier. Good. Okay? So the thing that happens on meatball day,

there's a big man in a meatball costume. Good. Okay? And the whole point, you've got to chase him through the streets. Everyone has gigantic knives and forks, but like big, huge ones like the size of your body. And you run down the street, you're chasing me. She's like, ah!

Don't cut me up! Don't stick a fucking fork in me! And you're just like, yeah, yeah! And there's just hundreds of people chasing this dude. We get him into a corner and they all just fucking stab him in his fucking meatball body. It's like the lottery. Yeah, it's like the lottery, right? But real life, like we always wanted it to be. And that's the thing. The man in the meatball

costume is going to be whatever dog fucker we can find that year. We'll round up the dog fuckers, put them in meatball costume is going to be whatever dog fucker we can find that year. We'll round up the dog fuckers, put them in meatball costumes, and stab them to death with a fucking fork and knife. And then you come out dressed in fucking lederhosen and you fucking

a big cock. Germans don't have meatballs. They do. Yeah, of course they do. Yeah, they do. Not real meatballs. Yeah, they're realist meatballs. They got hamburgers. Uh-huh. Yeah. And whole beers. All right.

So this is your idea. Comes out and fucking leaderhows in, and he holds a cock measuring contest with the biggest men in the town. All right. So it seems more like a cock measuring contest than a meatball contest. Maybe so. Maybe so. All this just for men to pull out their dicks.

Yeah, there's a lot. Can we replace... Because that seems more appropriate for a sausage festival. Can we measure circumference of testicles? We have a ball measuring contest. But you just gave him the fucking idea, Marcus. No, Marcus did not. I had the idea before and I told him about it and I was like, keep this idea because I wanted us to have interplay in the episode.

Thanks for pulling back the curtain, Ben. like, keep this idea. I want you to, because I wanted us to have interplay in the episode. Yeah. Thanks for pulling back the curtain, Ben. Yeah. Thanks, Ben. I guess we all know who the fucking wizard is, the Wizard of Oz now. Alright, so that's my idea. Originality. Alright. That's very good. Anybody else want to go?

Also, Mr. Farty goes to Washington and is in there. That's a totally different thing. You want a meatball story? This is not my, it's not my turn. Oh, we're going to go in order? Yeah, we always go in order. I mean, I just heard this segment now, but I'll go with my first thing that I thought of, which is on meatball day.

What we do is we gather every rapper in town, all the rappers that we have in town, and we all make them hold as many meatballs as they can in their hands and then they go into a vegan restaurant and everyone that's in there eating they shit in their mouths. I think that might be the winner. Does anybody else even have to go?

Rappers. That'd be funny. It seems funny. So you're going to go the angle like how many rhymes do you get and how many

meatballs? You're not going to utilize the rapping talents at It's just rappers holding meatballs and shitting in vegans' mouths.

I don't understand how he needs to explain that a second time. Yeah, that was so simple. My question is why would the

people eat at the vegan restaurant on meatball day? Why would anybody go there if that was so simple. My question is, why would the people eat at the vegan restaurant on Meatball Day? Why would anybody go there if that was supposed to happen? They were vegan. They were vegan. That's the only place

that's not serving meatballs that day. Probably gets more fucking protein from the fucking meat-eaters' poop than the fucking dumb-ass vegetables are eating. Yeah, they're all having falafel and shit.

Yeah, those fucks. Falafels are meatballs. No, they're not. No, falafel is not at all a meatball. It's just a ball. It's a chicken. It's got to have meat in it. To be a meatball.

You can't have it. It's a veggie ball. Or a falafel. All right, Ben, what is your idea? I never heard of such a thing. Falafel is a meatball. He's just comparing. There's no meat in it.

He's saying they're similar in what they all represent. They're around. What they represent. Yeah, there's a bunch of things that are around that are different. All right, all right. I'm just saying. What's your idea? I got so obsessed.

I just can't deal with all this stuff. I don't understand why you're so mad about it. I'm sorry I hurt you, man. No, I'm just kidding. No. So you've got to take a bunch of LSD, and then when you're tripping nuts on LSD, they bake you into a huge meatball with another person,

and then the first person to get out of that meatball is the winner of meatball day. I want to watch that. What's that prize? You know, life. Because the other guy gets cooked, and then everybody eats him. It's sort of like a jigsaw

It's like saw You know So again another sort of Lottery idea Yeah definitely Yeah So you have to fight With the person inside

Like I want to get out Of this meatball More than you want to Get out of this meatball But you're both Tripping fucking nuts God I would never Want to be stuck

In a meatball with this guy You don't want to eat When you're tripping nuts either So it's like difficult To eat that much meatball To get out of the meatball So you're having to eat Your way out of the meatball You can't just claw Your way out of the meatball. So you're having to eat your way out of the meatball.

You can't just claw your way out. Well, I guess you could claw. You're going to have to eat some of it. Could you also do it with a falafel? No, because that's not a meatball. It's a form of meatball. It is not a form of meatball. It's a chickpea meatball. It's not.

It's a chickpea ball. Meatball. It's very simple. It's a. It is. It's a chickpea ball. Meat ball. It's very simple. Meat ball is meat in the name, man. It's got the whole thing. It's a ball of meat. The falafel ball was the alternative to a meatball. I can't deal with it.

What do I deal with? I'm not even sure I should allow you to participate in this. Oh, my God. I'll call it. Monroe Martin is disqualified. All right. And your name is now Martin Morrow put that in the top

oh can you give me your idea for meatball appreciation day and I'll just use that one meatball appreciation day mine is it was Jackie's

to change the world what you should do is we should take the meatballs that have LSD in them go over to Indonesia feed those kids in the sweat factories

so they can make more Jordans. All right. Oh, well, all right. That's it. I mean, I don't know what better Jordans to do. It's America. I want better Jordans. I don't give a fuck about America.

It's about my feet. Yeah, that's true. I mean, when it comes to footwear, no one gives a fuck about America. It's more like National Shoe Day, but I'll take it. Jackie. You know, I've been trying to come up with another idea because my idea kind of got squandered by Holden's, but you know what? I think it's better than Holden's idea. Oh.

I think that National Meatball Day should be an appreciation for all the fat people, and that it should be the day for the fucking skinnies to hide. And so we, like, we always are singing on top of all smoky covered in cheese. I lost my old meatball. Somebody fucking sneezed. And what we're going to fucking do is it's going to be just like the purge. So it's the purge for fat people.

And then if we get inside there, inside this fucking skinny piece of shit. It should be called the binge, right? It's called Meatball Fucking Appreciation Day is what it's called because we are Americans and I like to have a good national name for my day.

So if you get in, you know, you feed them, you give them a good time, you definitely get those vegetarians to eat as much meat as possible because I just heard about this thing called soy-sages and it makes me very mad. You look like a Jersey man. Soy-sages. Soy-sages.

Just take a bunch of fucking veal and just shove it in a vegetarian's ears. That's what I'm fucking saying. So we're going to do that to them and then, you know, hope they die. All right. You do realize that I am a skinny person. Yeah. No, you have fat minds. I'm skinny person. No, you have fat mind. See, I do have fat mind.

No. Shut up, fat. You're fat, too. Yeah, I'm fine with being fat, but you're skinny. Monroe, I'm sorry. You're out. I'm fat. No, no, no. Barnett, though, you're definitely... We're all together in this.

Yeah, you're fat. I'm fat. Barnett, though, you're definitely, we're all together in this. What? Yeah, you're fat. I didn't listen for a second. I'm fat. Oh, yeah, I'm fat, man. Yeah.

No, that's right. You are the ringleader of all of us. Ah, okay, okay. And we trust you because you know the meat, you know horses, you know the land. I do know horses. And you put your money behind us. That is true. All right, all right.

I like it. I like it. All right, let's go to Ed. I was thinking maybe like a whole series of tents. You know, like I wanted to have, you know, a themed tent. So I wanted to like make your own meatball tent. You know, you look at a sick cow, you hit it with a hammer, bunch of tenderized amica in there with an ice cream scooper,

dip it in a fryer, little mini make-it-yourself meatballs. Okay. Wait, you kill the cow? Like I was just looking at you with a hammer? Actually, no, we're going to keep the cow alive on dialysis. It was just the fucking head watching everyone eat it.

I was thinking maybe we have a Canadian meatball tent where you can have Canadian meatball heroes, which is just a pancake with a bunch of meatballs in it with syrup. You eat that. That'd be a pretty good treat. 35% of the cows have to come from Canada. Absolutely. And it's served by Canadian porn stars. You eat that, that'd be a pretty good treat. That's fun. 35% of the cows have to come from Canada. Absolutely.

And it's served by Canadian porn stars. Let's get these ladies out there. Let's get some press for these girls. Interesting for U.S. National Meatball Day. There's a little Canada going on. Why not just have them around anyway? If they're making meatballs, I'm down. If I'm going on 4th of July 10 and someone's selling Italian sausages, I might buy one.

You know, that's just what's going on. You're telling me you don't want a pancake with a bunch of meatballs and syrup on top? You're not going to try that? I'm going to tell you I'm not going to try it. You're not going to try that? I'm just going to tell you I'm not. It's going to be fucking delicious. Not meatball with spaghetti sauce on it, just a plain meatball. Yeah, no, that's not happening.

No. And then meatball cannons. Shoot a bunch of meatballs in the crowd. I like that. I like that. I like that. I like that. The meatball brigade, you get that's not happening. No. And then, uh, meatball cannons. Shoot a bunch of meatballs in the crowd. I like that, though. I like that. I like that. The meatball brigade, you get little helmets on them. They go, da-da-na-na-na.

Hey! And they're shooting meatballs out in the crowd. Can we put children in the cannons? Yeah, yeah. We put, uh, you know, children can fire the cannons. Little fat kids. Meatballs. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There's a guy talking shit to you above a water tank. You throw meatballs at him. You're trying to get him in the spaghetti sauce. I like this. That's fun. You know, I'm trying to you above a water tank. You throw meatballs at him. You're trying to get him the spaghetti sauce. I like this. That's fun. I'm trying to build a whole carnival. A carnival atmosphere. Yeah, a whole big carnival.

You know, like instead of a Ferris wheel, you guys just, you know, you dive into a big ball of meat. Okay. Yeah, that's fun. I like that. All right. So here's what I'm going to do here. We got meatball. We got meatball.

Meatball. Of course, meatball. He's the, you know, the host. Oh, I see. So meatball, you just run the whole show. I'm going to do here. We got meatball. We got meatball. Of course, meatball. Well, he's the host. Oh, I see. So meatball, you just run the whole show. I'm thinking like field day. You know, I always feel like meatball should make the decision on this situation. Whoa.

Oh. Wow. So I can't. Okay. Marcus, I feel like we should do a rare Marcus pitch. Meatball day to meatball. I mean, it's very rare we're in the presence. That is true.

That is true. I have not thought about this in the least about. Yeah. That's the whole thing. Now you understand why it's miserable to do these. Yes, it is. So on National Meatball Day, what we're going to do is we're going to take the meatballs, the lesser known meatballs of the world.

We're not going to do beef. We're not going to do pork. We're going to do the meatballs, the lesser known meatballs of the world. We're not going to do beef. We're not going to do pork. We're going to do raccoons. Nice. We're going to do possums. Alligators. Alligators. I would never eat a possum.

Kangaroo. You should. You should try it sometime. Rabbits. All sorts of weird, strange shit. We're just going to showcase the vermin of the world in National Meatball Day. Hamster. I like it. Sure. Guinea pig. Hamster. I like it.

Sure. Guinea pig. Yeah. Anything. Anything that cannot be beef and it cannot be pork. Yeah. Or goat. Can't be goat.

Can't be goat. No. Can't be chickpeas. That's for goddamn sure. What about like parakeets or something? Yeah. Parakeets. Anything that's meat.

They're very small. Get a parrot. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, Meatball. All right, Meatball. What do you think? Who are you going with? Who are you representing?

Your day. Don't just go with the last thing you heard. I kind of like Jackie's. I'm kind of going with Jackie. That is a surprise win, guys. I'm kind of going with Jackie. I like it. Meatball chooses Jackie. Wow. Jackie with the win. Congratulations. I'm going to go with Jackie. I like it. Meatball chooses Jackie.

Wow. Jackie with the win. Congratulations. I don't even know what to say. I hope that fat people take over the world and eventually all skinny people will be dead. We need a dead. Yeah. We need a dead.

Can we get one day? Not you, Marcus, though. It's Meatball Day. Thank you. You're protected under the FAT Act. Woo! Yeah, we'll have a lot of laws, you know, making sure that the skinny people we like...

But if you start slacking on your goddamn work, Marcus! Oh, boy. If I start slacking on my work, you're all the fat, lazy ones. That's goddamn right, and we're going to stay that way, you fucking monkey. Press the buttons! Well, I don't even know... Goddamn gorillas! Always with the gorillas! Yeah, he's... that way, you fucking monkey. Press the buttons. Well, I don't even know.

Goddamn gorillas. Always with the gorillas. Yeah, he's... All right, that's the round table. Jackie, Eddie, Holden, Kevin, thank you for being here. I'm the meatball queen. Meatball, thank you. Marcus and I am bad.

And we will talk to you guys very soon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good night. And send in pictures and send in hellos. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shut up. At RT of gentlemen. Yeah. Facebook. Facebook group. And send in pictures and send in hellos. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shut up. At RT of gentlemen.

Yeah. Facebook. Only on Facebook. Facebook group. Still need that ball pick. But you're Facebook. No ball picks. Monroe Martin III.

Yeah, Monroe Martin III. Yeah, very good. Fat Boy Barnett. Congratulations, Kevin. We're all happy for you. Thank you. You're very happy. What's the name of the show?

When's it coming out? Do you know? Friends of the People. Probably sometime end of summer. Fuck yeah. All right. Love you so much. Talk to you soon.

What is in the show?