The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 188: Bird Luger

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

This week on Round Table: a triple amputee security guard almost dies in the line of duty, a man tries to trade a boat trailer for sex, and a cat holds a family hostage. Joining us today: Josh Gondelman!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay down, gentlemen! And let them go watch what? Pirate Whale! Yeah!

It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table. What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Yo, yo, yo, we side. Vince says we side he's side. West side. Kevin?

You already know what it is, man. You already know what it is. 2014, Bird Luger. Bird Luger? What's going on with this Bird Luger thing? I love it. What's not going on with it? You know what it means. Yeah, that's true. Jackie, you have to pray today. Fuck!

You got fucked. Squirt out a today. Fuck. Yeah, you got fucked. Oh, I got fucked. Yeah, yeah. Squirt out a prayer. All right. Dear white Jesus. How you doing? Oh, I'm good. You're not him, Eddie.

Dear thin white Jesus. Clarify. Yeah, thin fucking dying of not eating enough. He's got all those fucking crisps that are his body. Go fuck yourself, white, thin Jesus. But I do want to say thank you for my Squirty Bird. Because my Squirty Bird's been getting a lot of play this week. I don't know about anyone else's Squirty Bird out there.

I hope everyone's been wet all week. It's St. Patrick's Day tomorrow, and I don't give a fuck. Because I don't like the Irish. Thank you. What's your Squirty Bird exactly? Puss, Irish. That's fine. Thank you. What's your squirty bird exactly? Puss pussy. It's my pussy. And it goes,

and then it fucking throws up all over a dick. Oh, wow. That's great. How many times did your squirty bird get fed this week? Man, 25. 25 feeding times. That's a lot of worms. Oh, yeah, man.

Doug just takes the little worms and he just, he shoots them up so hard that I feel it in my stomach. It's like past my uterus. Yeah, it comes out the nipples. Yeah. Hello, mister. Hello. And I'm like, get back in my nipples. You bad worms. Seems like something out of like

Night of the Demons or something like that. Can you imagine fucking a girl and worms come out of her nipples? Oh, every time I have sex with them, that's the only way I can cum. Yeah. Absolutely. Rob Zombie video. Exactly. Is that the prayer?

Yeah, fuck yourself. Amen. All right, welcome to the round table of gentlemen, everybody. We know Jackie's here. Oh, squirty. I'm of gentlemen, everybody. We know Jackie's here. Oh, squirty. I'm squirty, bird. Oh. And then the whir.

All right. Thank you, Jackie. I'm just Ed Larson. I can't compete with that. Holdenators, ho! I'm just going to go ahead and say this to all our listeners at home. You're a bunch of cock fucks. Whoa.

Yeah. You're a bunch of pieces of garbage. Whoa. They don't want to hear that, Holden. Listen up, you fucks. Whoa. You're a bunch of pieces of garbage. Whoa. They don't want to hear that, Holden. Listen up, you fucks. Whoa, man. Relax. I'm mad.

What you mad about, man? I'm getting too much attention, man. Yeah, that's the problem. All these listeners fucking love me, man, and I just want to say, stop it. It's making me sick. You're going to deal with success so well you know it's really gonna be great no meltdowns for you when you get successful speaking of someone successful

here this guy bird luger it's a bird luger in the building and uh just so y'all know i get hard man i got boners on deck hell yeah man you've been getting hard bird luger i'm fucking getting hard that's amazing glad that you finally picked a persona that actually gets hard and wants to fuck. I fucking slam chicks, dude. Oh, that's so great, Bird Luger. That's great. I'm Ben, of course. And in the Juggle Hub, we got Josh Gondelman.

Thanks for being here, Josh. Hey, thanks for having me. It's good to be here with all kinds of birds. Yeah, there's so many different kinds of birds. Vaginal birds, phallic birds. Bird lugers. I don't know, what is bird luger? What is bird luger not, man?

Stop asking that fucking question. I just haven't gotten an answer. I feel like I'm talking about the Malaysian flight over here. I'll tell you what happened, man. Bird luger was born in New Orleans when I was wearing my bird shirt, standing next to a bird painting while holding a giant bird book. Bird Mooger, we got to post that picture on the round table. I'll send Mark Marcus the picture so you can post it.

Basically, I was texting this girl who I had met at a bar. She told me she was a fitness model, but I'm pretty certain she did porn because her tits kept falling out and they were huge and fake and perfect. And she didn't care. But I just texted that picture to her, and I wrote bird life. It was supposed to say bird life, but my phone auto-corrected it to bird luger, and I was trashed, and I went nuts. I was so excited I forgot that girl existed. And I just ran through the streets of New Orleans yelling at people, I'm bird luger. Google it.

Bird luger, Google it! Google it. I wonder what happens when you Google it. Well, Marcus will probably find out. It definitely doesn't come out. Yeah, it's a lot of pictures of guns. There's even a gun called the Bird of Prey Luger. Oh, very cool.

You can find that on AR15.com. That's a Nazi gun, by the way. Wow. Yeah, the Luger was the standard issue pistol for all the Nazis. Yeah. You have to make a website now, Barnett, so when people do actually Google it,

they'll find the picture here. No, no, no, no, no. No, too far? I want there to still be nothing. All right. Let's go to Marcus with our first news story. A 47-year-old triple amputee is lucky to be alive after he says a driver tried to run him over.

It happened at the Independence Hall Apartments in North Houston, Texas. Joseph Montemayor, who lives at the complex for handicapped, disabled, and elderly, works part-time security on the property. Security? handicapped disabled and elderly works part-time security on the property security when you lose three uh limbs i don't think you can work full-time anything even if you work like 80 hours a week you're sort of always part-time uh monte mayor took action when he recognized a young man who's not welcome at the complex he took a photo of the man's license plate and that's when things escalated said monte mayor he saw the flash of the camera and license plate, and that's when things escalated, said Montemayor. He saw the flash of the camera and came right at me.

You could hear him gun it enough to jump the curb. Montemayor says the driver, 20-year-old Jackery Keith, drove towards him at full speed. He explained every intention was to run me over, that's for sure. But the part-time security guard wheeled himself out of the way in time. He uses a skateboard. He rides around on a skateboard, yes. Look at him. He's a little stumpy guy on a skateboard. Oh. And he's wearing a Slayer t-shirt. You know what, though?

I'm kind of relieved that he was already a triple amputee. I thought the triple amputation happened after he got hit by the car. No, no, no. No, he's a triple amputee after a train accident when he was seven years old. But then he's also a security guard? No, no, no. No, he's a triple amputee after a train accident when he was seven years old. But then he's also a security guard? Yes, part-time. How is he supposed to...

I'll tell you what. He looks pretty tough. He's tough as hell. Just because he has a Slayer t-shirt on doesn't mean he's tough. Well, he's got two stumps and he still skateboards. That's pretty cool.

He'd probably still get laid in Williamsburg. Most likely. I like the part where he said every intention was to run me over and then that guy fucking nailed it. He ran the shit out of him. I mean, they only armed him with a camera. That's not very... I mean, he's got no legs and one arm.

Give him a gun. That's the only thing he could have to defend himself. At least a taser, right? Yeah, something. I love a taser, man. I want a taser so bad, man. I'd fucking rip people open with that you're gonna need one dude i'll go and just look up on youtube just just videos of people getting tased oh it's my favorite shit dude i would love to watch you get tased and just see all the pop it'll be like a current like a popcorn stops the whole interaction then somebody's just like, what are you going to do, motherfucker? What are you going to do?

And then they just hit him with a taser. It's like, oh, oh. They just go down, just silent. I still love I'm going to get you, bitch. Yeah, I'm going to get you, bitch. There's an episode of Cops where the cop hits this big black dude with a taser and he pulls the trigger

and it goes off and the dude blind who just looks over at the cop, he's like, I'm going to get you for this, bitch. Or looks at the girlfriend. I'm going to get you, bitch. It doesn't go down. They have to end up with like two more tasers just to get her to fucking drop. That's amazing.

I feel like that's how you really find a boyfriend. It's like if you can handle more than one taser, it's like then you are ready for me. Yeah. And if someone looks at you while getting shot with a taser and says, I'm a kitschy bitch, you gotta get the fuck out of the country, man.

Squirty squirt. That's how you know it's real. Yeah, that's real love. I almost want to welcome that dude in the Luger family. Taser Luger.

Taser Luger and Bird Luger. That's great. I might actually get behind this Luger situation. Shit, man. You fucking Nazi piece of shit. get behind this Luger situation. Shit, man. You fucking Nazi piece of shit. Oh, come on.

Take it easy, Eddie. Take it easy, Eddie. That's ridiculous. You know what he said about shooting Mexicans on a porch? What'd he say? Remember that?

He said he'd do it. What? You don't remember what you're talking about. When did that happen? I remember that. That was like four episodes ago. You remember that?

Not long ago at all. No, that was not even true. I don't recall. I don't. I don't remember it. We should play it back. We should play it back. Oh, that was not even true. I don't recall. I don't. I don't remember it. We should play it back. Alright, that's fine. I think that's all fine. So Jackie, you like this guy? Do you like this guy with

the one arm? No, no, no. He's not a man. No, he can't even. I mean, I guess he got run over by a car. Hey, hey, hey. Resident Gene Holstein says he's a real good guy. He works hard and for his disability he can do just about anything he wants to do. So is that woman retarded, disabled, or old as fuck? I mean, this is really a trifecta of the things that you don't want to be.

If you go to this place disabled, retarded, or old, your life isn't going well. They can't say he can do just about anything he needs to do. I want to see that nigga pick up a box. Can't do it. It's really going to be difficult for him. That's for sure. He's lying everywhere on the skateboard. But he is the exact body that RoboCop has

if you take off all the RoboSuit. No legs, got one arm. He could be a superhero, this guy, just given the right technology. It just reminded me of in college I remember these dudes, they were like, yo man, fucking Nub's coming through. I'm like, who's Nub? Like yo he's coming man Nub And then Nub shows up And they call him Nub to his face and this is the dude with one hand

He just has a Nub and they yell at him And call him Nub Well what can you do you know You ever have that situation come up where everybody's using a nickname And the guy shows up and you use it to his face And everyone's like not what we do We had a kid named Goofy John that we hung out with in high school. And I was like, what's up, Goofy John?

And everyone was like, oh, boy. How long has this been happening? Was he a goofy fellow? Oh, he was so goofy. That's why I thought he was on board with his own goofitude. He was not. Yeah. What were the kind of things that he would do?

Everyone has a goofy friend growing up. Just like in his silly hair. He talked silly. Yeah, yeah. of things that he would do? Everyone has a goofy friend growing up. Just looking at his silly hair. He talked silly. Yeah, yeah. Silly guy. Just goofy shit. Yeah. Good guy.

We called our goofy guy Bird. Why'd you call him Bird? Because he had Tourette's, and every once in a while when he got stoned, he'd be like, Bird! Bird! That's how it was. Sometimes when you have Tourette's, you kind of do the clucking thing like a bird as well. I had a friend with Tourette's also.

One time he got up when we were kids. He got up on a desk in the middle of a test and he just started going, what? What? What? What? What? What? What?

What? What? What? What? What? Well, the test is canceled. I had no idea he did it. Oh, is that the thing?

You don't remember the test? Yeah, you have no idea you did it. You can have so much fun with that, though, just fucking with people. Absolutely. Like, they think that that's your problem and then, or they know, you know, but then you could just add shit into a day. Like Kevin Spacey at the end of Usual Suspects. Yeah.

He just starts just like talking totally normal. He's just like, yeah, I just did that death shit. Canceled the test. Yeah. Burn. It's funny because he won the Pathfinder Award at our high school, which is the award they give to like autistic guys. And we're like, you don't have a disability, but you're fucking fine.

You took the award from some fucking dude who deserved it. You just get to swear in public because you told people you could not swear in public. And he's just like... All right, fine. You can have the goddamn award. Bird, that's great.

So what's happened with this guy? Is he okay? Yeah, he's fine. He didn't even get hit by the car. The other guy got arrested. He had been actually arrested earlier that month for allegedly choking his girlfriend. He threatened people there all the time. He can drop allegedly.

Yeah, yeah. He didn't. No, and the reason why he wasn't welcomed is because he used to rob all the people at the first of the month when they got their disability checks. They should get a real security guard. That's what I'm thinking. You know, you probably want to get the guy with the legs and the gun when they got their disability checks. They should get a real security guard. That's what I'm thinking. You know, you probably want to get the guy with the legs and the gun. Yeah, put him in front of cameras.

Put him in front of the TV system with a mouse. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do that. That'd be great. Yeah, it'd be great. Give him a little headset. He's great with a mouse. He can use his hand with it and everything.

Yeah, it's perfect. Ideal. Yeah. That's the thing. I love the audacity of this guy, though. Just go and be like, are you here to check in, sir? No, no, I'm here to be security. You know, like no arms, no legs.

It's a disability center. He just wants to work there. I wish I had that confidence. Exactly. That's a very ballsy thing to do. Yeah, I don't think I should be security. No, none of us should be security. But this guy, I mean, I like this guy. I have a respect for him. It's like, how do you get around?

He's got a skateboard. I wonder if he can do some tricks and shit like that. What's his name again? His name is, let's see here, Joseph Monte Mayor. Well, good for him. Yeah, absolutely. What are you upset about, Jackie? I'm sorry.

I just, is this a new fucking shirt you're wearing, Kissel? It's an old shirt. He's got this fucking shirt on. It's a great shirt. And it says, it's not a beer belly. It's not. It's a full tank for a sex machine. For a sex machine.

I just can't. I love this shirt. Is it making you sick? It's making you ill? Yeah. I think I'm just imagining your stomach's so full of beer that it's like protruding out like a fucking Ethiopian kid. It's got all the worms in its stomach.

And it's just like, baby. Yeah, coming out of its nipples. And like you just have a woman just like pressing on it. It's like, baby, I'm going to get the beer out of you. That's right. I'm like a human keg. Sure. What is wrong with this shirt?

Sometimes you walk by a Spencer's Gifts that's closing and God opens a window. That's right. It's not a beer belly. I'll tell you what, man. That window was not opened by God. Kissel, go home. You're bothering us. What happened?

What have I done? Bird Luger. Bird Luger is so much fun. Bird Luger is a good time. He said something really mean to me and I don't even know what to do. I'm wearing a funny shirt. Full tank for a sex machine. It's not a beer belly.

It's a full tank for a sexual machine. Sexual machine is worse than sex machine. Yeah, that's just a machine that, like, humps stuff. Do you go on stage with that shirt? You can't. I'll go on stage with any shirt. Are you kidding me? No, it's not a beer belly ad.

It's a full tank for a sex machine. That is funny stuff. God. That is good stuff. All right, Mark. It's Sunday, man. You know, that's the Lord's day, and I feel like you're slapping God in the face. I am not.

I'm not slapping God in the face. I'm wearing a funny shirt. I woke up, and I looked at this shirt and I said, this is making me smile. And then I put it on and then I thought everyone else would smile. You're a fucking drunk. No. It's a full day for a sex machine. All right.

Let's move on. I can't deal with all this. Why do I always get bothered? I know. Nobody's picking on me right now. It feels so nice, you know? Good Lord. Wearing a shirt.

It's a nice, it's a fun, funny shirt. I like this shirt. Thank you, Marcus. You don't like this shirt, Marcus. All right, let's move on. A 22-pound house cat with a history of violence trapped an Oregon family. A history of violence. This cat trapped an Oregon family and their dog in a bedroom until police arrived to save them.

The dog? How did the dog lose this fight? The incident unfolded Sunday night in northwest Portland after a ferocious feline named Lux turned on its owners. It all started when the family's seven-month-old boy pulled the cat's tail. In response, the cat scratched the baby on the forehead. The boy's dad, Lee Palmer, told police that he kicked the cat in the rear as punishment. And that's when the fur began to fly. We're trapped.

We're trapped. He won't let us out of our door. Oh, my. We're trapped. What a great writer. We're trapped. He won't let us out of our door. Lee Palmer told dispatchers after he and his family members and pet dog fled to the safety of a bedroom and called 911.

It's a 20-pound cat. Get a fucking hammer and bash its brains in. That's an idea. You could do anything. It's a cat. You could just walk out of the house. If you're this dude's wife, you don't have sex with him anymore, right? No, no, no.

You have to protect the family. A 22-pound cat cannot hold your family hostage. Grab the fucking lawnmower, turn it on, and point it towards the cat. That's another way to do it. Like, literally throw a treat. That would be another way to do it. Vacuum cleaner, man. Spray bottle.

Spray bottle is another effective method I'm upset with the dog and the man in this situation I'm upset with the seven year old They had every single option Oh seven month old That kid has an excuse He's seven month old I'm surprised that this father didn't put the cat down

Immediately after scratching your god damn human child They said the cat has a history of violence like it's a goddamn David Cronenberg movie. Exactly. It's a cat. A cat scratches one person. That cat's done for life. You would think so.

It's over. Every other cat is just... It's the same. They're the same. They're all the same. Punch it in the face. Yes. It is a big cat, though.

Put it in a bag. Put a bag over it. Put it in a bag. Slam it around on the floor. Sure. Do it very Jason Voorhees-esque in the sleeping bag situation next to the tree. Steal a tiger from the zoo. Put it in your house.

Well, that's elaborate. Show the cat who's boss. Yeah. So you just want to get a bigger and bigger cat. Yeah. You get a cat so big, and then you hang out with it, drink beers with it. Yeah, that's totally possible. What's going on, whisper boys what are we gossiping gossip about old suzy mane or fucking fat pussy

what's going on well i mean we've got a bit of a transcript from the 911 call here all right and i want eddie to read it the cat he's he's gone over the edge he's trying to to attack us. He's hostile. He's at the door. He's charging at us. I mean, is this Kat Harvey Keitel or something? What happened with gone over the edge? Been drinking too

much malt? What's happening? The cat can't even open the door like in Jurassic Park. It can't reach the knob. Is there a cat at the door? Yes! The cat can't even open the door like in Jurassic Park. Like, it can't reach the knob. Is there a cat? There's a cat at the door? Yes! The cat!

Are you the police? Sounds like a police to me. It does. You can hear the cat screeching in the background of the call. Really? Yeah. Just furious. It is a pissed off cat.

I mean, it would be a fight. Holden, how would you get rid of this cat, but you don't have a tiger on hand? It's just you versus a 22-pound crazy cat. Throw a fish at it. That's a good idea. Yeah. I mean, me, I could just fucking yell at it for two minutes, and that thing would be gone, man. Yeah, yeah.

Then the cat's calling 911. No animal wants to be around me. I talk like this. Yeah. I agree with that. Just throw your fucking entire body on top of it and crush it. Yeah. It's a 20-pound animal.

Yeah. There's so many ways to kill it. Is that the cat? No, this isn't the cat, but the cat breed was a Himalayan. So if you don't know what a Himalayan looks like, go Google it. But it's a big fluffy cat. It looks like a cloud with eyes.

I mean, I will admit, my mom had a Himalayan when I was a kid, and it was a fucking horrible, horrible mean cat. Yeah, cats suck, man. Yeah, it was named Pearl, but Himalayans in particular are mean fucking cats. Well, is a 20-pound version of it a big, I don't know, like... 20 pounds is big for a cat.

You just take some fucking hedge clippers and slice its goddamn head off. I mean, just anything. Jackie, you like cats, or do you hate cats? I hate cats, but I have watched every episode of My Cat from Hell, which is Jackson Galaxy, the cat whisperer. Okay. And he did- Jackson Galaxy?

Yeah. You don't know about- Cat Daddy. I don't know about that. He's just misunderstood. He's a cat whisperer by day, musician by night. Awesome. And he meets with cats, people that are scared of their cats, and he tries to fix them.

Okay. And he met with this cat after all of this stuff happened. Really? This cat? This specific cat. Wow. Because I follow him on Facebook and I watch all of his updates. Okay. And what did he say about this cat? The cat was bad.

I mean, it was a bad cat. I mean, worth a 911 call? Maybe not worth a 911 call, but I guess with the seven-month-old, but it's just like, he... I think he fixed the Kat. I think this is the lowest moment in white

history, right? This is definitely a white family. We don't have evidence to support that, other than the fact that the dude called them a white. I've got a picture of them right now. They're white. They have to be white. This only happens in white suburban homes. Oh my lord. No other house would this occur. Because they're too scared to actually hurt the cat.

What would Claudette Barnett do if a 22 pound cat came and tried to mess with her family? I'm sure she could find a laser pointer or a flashlight somewhere. She's a resourceful lady. Exactly. At one point, Palmer told the dispatcher that he was concerned about She's a resourceful lady Exactly At one point Palmer told the dispatcher That he was concerned about the officer's

Safety when confronting the cat He said tell him to be careful It's a cop They have a gun Officers were able to outwit the high strung Himalayan Really? Yeah they beat it with a fucking shovel Oh my god

I want to drag it down to the street, shot it in front of all the other neighborhood cats. This is what happens when you act like a fucking asshole. All you fucking cats, listen up! Oh my god. I want to see this whole, I want to see an action movie all about this. How do they outwit

the cat? Don't you just go grab the cat? I still just don't understand. The even were like intimidated by this cat we better come up with a plan it's a 22 pound himalayan they get very mean yeah it's a cat but they're strong i mean to put it to put it into perspective the average house cat is around nine to ten pounds okay how big is the average adult person? 278 pounds. Is that more or less than 22 pounds? Yeah, this guy was definitely at least 200 pounds.

It's so ridiculous. How can you train? This is just... You got to leave. You got to leave with your... If you're the wife, you got to leave with the kid. This kid can't protect the house. No, not against the cat. That's the thing is that that's his fucking job.

You fucking get out there, you get scratched, and you fucking pound that cat against the wall. Grab a fucking screwdriver, stab it. Do that. If it's her cat and I'm that guy, I'm leaving with the kid. Well, that's a good point. That's true, too. Even just put a big trash can over it. You fucking trash can?

So many things to do. So many things. All right. Let it go. That's an open the door. That's a great idea. Let it make its way on the main street. It would be a bad.

I mean, this is a Heathcliff cat. Oh, this is definitely a Heathcliff cat. It's a gutter cat. Yeah, but Cat Daddy does have this song. I'm not a bad cat. I'm just misunderstood. Misunderstood. This is his band.

Jackson Galaxy is amazing. Is that his name and his band name? Well, Jackson Galaxy is his name, and he's referred to as the Cat Daddy. Okay. And then the Cat Daddy's song is I'm not a bad cat, I'm just misunderstood. Okay. That's written by his band. This is Jackson Galaxy.

Oh, okay. This is Jackson Galaxy. Oh, my Lord. He's never met aher. Oh, okay. This is Jackson Gallagher. Oh, my Lord. He's never met a woman. Yeah, he's a lonely guy there. It's all on Netflix. Please watch it. I will now.

His facial hair can only be described as a soul landing strip. It looks like his face was put on an upside down head. It's like if cats made Battlefield Earth. Yeah, that's true. head. It's like if cats made Battlefield Earth. The only thing this guy's ever related to is definitely a cat. That's for sure. He looks like he gets beat up in a bowling alley every week. Oh yeah. He went to the barbershop

and he's like, give me the guy who definitely fucks cats. And they nailed it. It was a good barbershop. Incredible. I've got another story about Randy Pets. Alright. What's the story? I'll tell ya.

Police officers were confronted with an unusual distraction during a tent standoff when a pug tried to start a fight with a canine police dog in the middle of the standoff. That's adorable. Champ, the pug, broke through the police tape and sprinted down the street while armed cops were in the middle of a four-hour siege.

A gunman was in a house nearby after robbing a subway. The gunman barricaded himself while police were outside. A subway restaurant. A subway restaurant. How much police tape is there that a pug has to break through it? Well, I mean, he can just run underneath. Yeah. Yep, Champ's owners are watching the action

from their home, but couldn't do very much because police were busy in the standoff situation. Champ's owners say they were prepared to say goodbye to their beloved pet forever. Fearing it would be shot by police, but Champ made it back home safe and sound. And, you know, I'm going to post this on the round by police, but Chance made it back home safe and sound.

And, you know, I'm going to post this on the roundtable page, but I am going to show you guys the video of the pug. The runner-up's floating around. The cops have no idea what to do. I love that it crossed the police tape, and the owners are just like, hey, man, nothing lasts forever, even cold November rain.

They just immediately were like. Well, you can't run after it because then they would get shot. It's like, yeah, it's true. It's like the.

And it's attacking the police dog. Yeah, yeah. It got into a fight with a German shepherd. That's fucking awesome. I love this dog.

kill it. Yeah. I mean, if this was a person, they would have shot him immediately. Oh, yeah.

Except it would be a tiny, funny-looking person. That's why I think that the people were right. Maybe Rachel Dratch could get away with it. Maybe Rachel could get away with messing with the SWAT team. I saw her today. I saw her the other day. She was at the pit today. I saw her a week ago walking around.

Yeah, man. That's great. She's work, so... I love Rachel. I love Rachel. I love Rachel Drey. I think she's the best of the fucking women from that generation SNL. She's the one who's fucked. Well, I think she's the best from the men, Holden.

Oh. Yes, that is right. It's not a beer belly. No. It's a full tank for a sex machine. Isn't it supposed to be fuel tank? It's a full tank. a sex machine. Isn't it supposed to be fuel tank? It's a full tank. I think they fucked up your shirt.

No, it's a full tank. There are a lot of fucked up things about that shirt. That's not the only one. Come on. So this bug is fine. It's a typo? It doesn't have a typo. It doesn't have a typo.

It's a great funny shirt. Everyone was going to laugh when I walked in, and they did. Everyone's like, I love your shirt, Ben. Who? Who said that? You guys did before the show was recorded. Raise your hand if you said I love that shirt, Ben. Well, a lot of people raised their hands right now.

I do not see a hand. No one raised their hands. But it's radio, so I'll make a different argument. Did you just lie to everyone? No, I'm not lying. Listeners at home, raise your hands right now and fucking slap yourselves. That's not true. You're all garbage humans raise your hands right now and fucking slap yourselves with that hand. That's not true. We're all garbage humans.

You can't talk to them like that. Oh, yeah. What do you do with a piece of shit? You put it in a bag and you throw it away. No. Yeah. I have a question about that. What is your question?

Where did you learn to shit? Yeah, well, my parents were mud folk. So, yeah, you just dig a little hole in the ground, shit in it, grab a bag off of somebody who just has to bum a bag from like a bar or something. Right. Take the bag outside, put the shit in the bag, use a glove or whatever if you can find it. And if you can't, just keep some sanitizer on your fucking person.

Right. We're not fucking animals here. I mean, you're acting like it. You're living like an person. We're not fucking animals here. I mean, you're acting like it. You're living like an animal. We're not fucking animals. You put this shit in the bag, and then if you can't find an old lady to throw it at, you put it in the garbage. I see.

And that is what our listeners are. Whoa! All right. Whoa! Are they the bag? Are they the shit? Are they the old lady? You fucking figured out listeners, dope.

If you can even fucking count to four, you figured out. I can't. You can't talk to them like that i would have fucking shot your fucking head off that's right defriend us my fucking non friends that's great i want us to go down to 100 followers on facebook thursday the irony would be if that actually happened we'd be like wow people are really listening and everyone else is like no one's happened, we'd be like, wow, people are really listening. And everyone else is like, no one's listening to that show.

Be like, no, you don't understand. Everyone unfollowed us. Kind of like they followed us. All right. So Pug's fine. Pug's fine. Okay. Champ the Pug.

I want to say this is real quick. This has nothing to do with anything. I saw this earlier and I was reading this article. It was probably the best paragraph I've ever read in my entire life. I don't even know if y'all like it. But this is from

that whole Duke porn star girl. Oh yeah, I love her. This paragraph I read. Some may remember Vice President Moneta from an earlier controversy on another

campus before coming to Duke. He worked at Penn where 20 years ago he played a lead role in the university's unconscionable decision to prosecute a Jewish

student with racial harassment because Late one night he yelled shut up You water buffalo at a group of Mostly black students who had been Making noises he tried to study Shut up you water Buffalo Can we put water buffalo as a new

Racial I've never heard that It's not just buffalo It put water buffalo as a new racial? I've never heard that. That's the best thing about it. I like it. It's not just buffalo. It's water buffalo. You've got to specify. That works well for Italians. And it works for anybody.

A group of Germans. If it were Native American students, he would have just gone with buffalo. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I feel like that's just- That's so racist. Anybody that just stands around, doesn't fucking do jack shit, and just waiting to get shot. Right? I don't know.

I don't think it's necessarily black people. I it's all races yeah that's a good point always hanging out in the showers holy shit there's a whole wikipedia page about this about the water buffalo incident really oh wow wait actually is that about this or is it about my jam band from when i was I love that jam, man. The water buffalo. Oh, my God. He explained his choice of water. When you fucking went on that eight-hour Astro Weeks fucking, it was really good. He explained his choice of water buffalo was from Hebrew slang, behema, or behema. Am I saying that right? Man.

Are you Jewish, Josh? I am Jewish, but like, I just, ugh, Jews, you know? We do know. Yeah. Well, I love the Jewish people.

That's really strong. Sorry about that. I'm fine with Jews. But he says that's used by Jews to refer to a loud, rowdy person. He procured several expert witnesses who attested to this and others,

such as Michaelael myers who gave testimony that water buffalo was not a racial epithet michael myers doesn't speak and is a terrible person to come to your defense he's a serial killer i feel like if someone thought that thoroughly about what he had said it's like just let him off he thought like that's he translated a word word into our fucking native language. He probably meant it racistly

but like And even if he did who gives a fuck man is hilarious. Shut up you water buffalo. Gary Trudeau even devoted an entire

Sunday Doonesberry to it. All six panels. Full color my friend. You got a full dune? Did they all just start holding their stomachs and laughing their asses off? Have you ever been called anything that was

supposed to be racist, but you're like, that was a very creative white person? There's actually a... On my bus to school every morning, everybody would just be racist as shit because there's like, we have a Colombian dude, we have me, my brother, a Haitian, and a white dude, and we would just all be racist as

fuck to each other all the time. But it was great because no one cared. The most racist, yet the most funny thing I ever heard was this dude, Jensen. And when he was like, hey guys, he goes, me, my brother. And he's like, what did the nigger get on his SATs? I'm like, oh shit this dude Jensen and when he was like hey guys he goes me my brother and he's like hey what did the nigger get on his SATs

I'm like oh shit man what and he's like watermelon juice I was like god damn that's just good joke writing man I mean he was doing very well

you know taking the SATs and everything I got a bunch of chocolate donut stands on my ACTs. They do like you bring a snack. Yeah, I had chocolate donuts.

That's what I took. Yeah, I had barbecue chip fingers for my SATs. So really, yeah, it was just like, what did the black dude get on his SATs? Oh, he was eating something

that was really going to do well for his brain power, his water. All the white people were like, chips, donuts. How fat can I be? It's actually pretty smart, man. Yeah, it's just one of the

smarter things you can do. Lots of vitamins and nutrients. Keeps you hydrated be? It's actually pretty smart, man. Yeah, it's just one of the smarter things you can do. Lots of vitamins and nutrients. Keeps you hydrated. This guy's all right. That's interesting. The Water Buffalo scandal. Did not remember that one. Water Buffalo incident.

Yes. And we put out two self-produced albums. One song split into two albums. It was a wicked racist song. Oh, you guys did Jammin' with Jerry and the Finugle. Oh, I love the Finugle. Such a great venue.

Oh my God, so good. Yeah, great bathrooms. I don't remember a thing from it. Nobody does. That's the beauty of the Finugle. They actually call it getting Finugled when you do too much Molly-infused donuts. I don't remember what happened the night before. Oh, Molly-infused donuts. Remember what happened the day before.

Oh, Molly-infused donuts. Don't want that. Oh, man, if you were just nothing but happy while eating donuts, I would eat so many donuts. I just freestyled the greatest drug in the history of the world. Oh, Molly-infused any sort of food. Yeah. Oh, that's ideal.

Anyway. All right, Marcus, maybe we should move on. Yeah, I feel like we lost Ben there for a second. I know, the Molly donut. Well, he does have a full tank for a sex machine. So I'm going to be on Skid Row later tonight just sitting around Skid Row just like, anybody got these fucking donuts? I know they exist.

Oh, man. They got Molly in them. Anybody got them? You can mix it with the powdered sugar. Yeah. Yeah. That'd be great. Or you can put a bear claw or whatever.

You can put it in the jelly filling. Oh, yeah. Chocolate croissants. I had one last week. Yeah. I was just it in the jelly filling. Oh, yeah. Chocolate croissants. I had one last week. I was just thinking about it right now. That's interesting. Well, we found the way to derail the show. Just think about sweet treats. I often reminisce about food I've eaten recently. I love it.

Love it. Alright, Marcus, maybe a news story. A Mississippi man pronounced dead last month and put in a body bag only to come alive just before embalming has now died. Walter Williams, 78, died at about 1 a.m. local time in Lexington two weeks after shocking people

when he started breathing and kicking at a funeral home where he was taken after being declared dead. His nephew, Eddie Hester, said I think he's gone this time. He was hit by a fucking bus. That's amazing. That's a terrifying situation to wake up in a body bag.

Oh, my God. The most terrifying situation. Coffin. Coffin. Already buried. Someone has to get fired, right? I mean, how difficult is it to burn out somebody dead? With modern science, not difficult at all.

Right? Yeah. I feel like they could come back, though, right? Just have the heart? You can't just come back. No, no, no. No, this is zombie. This is sort of the start of a zombie movie.

Yeah. Actually. Did he crave human flesh? Did they mention that in there? Did they chop off his head? They did none of those things. And he did not want to eat people. He did not want to eat people, no.

He had been in hospice care. This family wanted to get rid of him so bad. They're like, well, he's sleeping. Well, it's sort of close to dead. Put him in the bag and just see if he doesn't pass out while he fucking- Seal it tight. Yeah, you know. When he was receiving hospice care for an end-stage cardiovascular disease,

they declared him dead after they couldn't find any pulse. The doctor and the nurse both checked, couldn't find any pulse. Oh, yeah, he had to put out the door. Apparently, he was suffering from low blood sugar. And that, along with his medications, would have made it difficult to find a pulse. And would have put him in such a

deep sleep. Difficult, but like, come on. They don't give a fucking hostess. He has to breathe. I mean, he has to make breath has to come in and out of his fucking mouth. After they pronounce you dead and then you live for another two weeks, that's got to be a bizarre sort of... That's like the definition of purgatory, isn't it?

Yeah. Like, you're just sort of like, everyone thinks I should be dead, but I'm still alive, technically. That's got to be a weird thought. I don't even know where it would go. I'd make so many demands of my doctors. I'd be like, hey, bring me a jelly donut. And they'd be like, that's not good for you.

It's like, you thought I was dead, motherfucker. Put some oil in the motherfucker. Ketchup on all your programs and stuff like that. What a horrible hospice has got to be the worst place to work. I'm never going. Oh. I mean, my friend,

yeah, I always tell that story with my friend Ryan who used to work there. Skin just tears off these people's flesh and shit. Oh, yeah. Literally, you can snag your skin and you can snag it

on a bunch of things. Anything that you can snag, anything. And they just glue it back on. Then there's a little, it's called skin glue and they just glue it back on. God.

And then this is how these people live for like their last five years. I just can't wait. But they're fucking, they fuck a lot. No, no, no, that's different, not in hospice. Hospice is where you spend the last week of your life. Yeah, pretty much. Yeah. After the hospital can no longer do anything for you.

They throw a lot of parties there. But the thing is, right? Sort of. It's like near the end, so it's like, hey, let's have a party. Yeah, they kind of do old big band music. They love big band music, these elderly folks. Yeah, it's the only thing they can fucking hear is trumpets. Yeah, exactly. That's true.

That's the thing. But then the guitar doesn't even register anymore. Fred Phelps is in hospice. He's going to die. No, he died. He did die. Yeah. When?

Just now? In the West Baptist Church. Wow, he died. He did die. When? Just now? In the West Baptist Church. Wow, he's done? He's dead. He's waiting for this crazy ass. He's not dead yet. He's on the edge of dead. Almost dead. Oh, I'm sorry. He's still able to beat his wives. That's the thing.

This guy's dying and everyone's just like, they made the news that he's almost dead. Usually that's how excited people are. He's almost dead! He's almost only a couple more weeks. Cloned by the fireworks. I mean, there's going to be backlash, right? People are going to burn down his house

and rape his wife, right? Oh, yeah, man. His funeral is going to be protested by so many people. They should do that while he's alive. Well, this is the guy. Oh, right. Well, I bet it won't be a protest. It'll be like a party, though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Barbecue. Butt fucking. Yeah, right in the middle of the fucking cemetery.

Yeah. Yeah, of course, he's the God hates fags guy. And they protest like military funerals. Everything. Everything. Every funeral. It's because... He protested Sandy Hook.

Yeah, yeah. It's so that they can file a lawsuit. Which I also don't think that should have happened. In order... If their protest gets fucked with, they can file lawsuits. How they make all their money is off of lawsuits,

off these protests. So it doesn't really even matter what they're protesting. At the end of the day, it's all a scam just to make money because they're all making money off the government in lawsuits. I'll tell you what, man.

Bird Luger respects the hustle. It is kind of fun. It is kind of fun. Well, he's almost dead. Yeah. That is interesting to live a life where people cheer you on to death. Yeah. You did everything wrong.

It's my fault. If people are like... Oh, and you're an achiever. Absolutely. Yeah, man. There's going to be fucking bleachers next to your hospital. What am I going am I gonna do I know it's gonna be

So it's gonna be Remember John Candy's Funeral when everyone Lined the streets And they shut down The LA highway And everything like that No I don't

It was amazing It was huge Yeah I've watched it on TV too It's gonna be very similar For Holden But everyone's just gonna be like Yeah Fuck yeah

Ding dong The fucking Wicked witch is dead Shit like that It's gonna be a huge celebration. I can't wait for you to die. Well, you know, if everybody in the world is a fucking piece of garbage asshole, what am I supposed to do about it?

Maybe the water buffaloes could perform? Oh, yeah. No. The water buffalo incident. Thank you, Jackie. Sorry. I would love to be like... The water buffaloes.

That's the fucking racist thing to do. That's how I want to be buried. Like, you just lay my body down on the grass or on like, maybe it would be like soppy mud and you just punch me into the ground. Line up and they come up and they just punch my body into the ground.

We just cover you and come. Like everyone just like trips off until you're totally covered. Yeah. I want to go down, yeah, like Gigi Allen or whatever. I want to go down, just yeah, come on.

Who gives a shit? Play the Oki Hold'em. Yeah, totally. Totally. I want to go down, yeah, like G.G. Allen or whatever. I want to go down, just, yeah, come on. Who gives a shit? Play the Ookie Holden. Yeah, totally. Totally. I want to be buried fucking vertical, too. With my feet sticking out of the ground. That's how I want to be fucking buried. If we're playing an Ookie Holden, if we're going by Ookie Cookie rules,

then what happens to the last person who comes? Instead of eating the cookie, what do they want to do? They get buried with me. Oh, my. That fucking godless idiot. Oh, my. Jesus, Lord.

I mean, either way, our listeners can fucking stop. I won't give a shit, dude. You grew up with a lot of folksy customs, and I like hearing about them. It's interesting. All right, Marcus, where are we at? Well, yeah, the man died.

He came back to life and now he's dead again. And by the way, his nickname was Snowball. Yeah. Because he was Jesus. He was born during a rare Mississippi blizzard. I was born during a rare Lubbock blizzard. I wonder the day he found out that that was the terminology for when a girl gives a man a blowjob and then kisses the cum back into the guy's mouth. Yeah.

That's a snowball? That's a snowball. I had a friend in college who loved to be snowballed. We didn't talk about it too much. The girl puts his cum back into his mouth? I don't know. He liked to do it. I don't know.

I don't know. I'll never understand it. I hope that he went his whole life without ever finding out. I just think he would have had a better life that way. Maybe that's what woke him up. Snowball was his nickname. Isn't that when you spit cum into the dude's mouth? What?

Put in my obituary, everyone called me Chief. Or Big Guy. Both better nicknames than Snowball. All right. We can move on to Stan Searing. In need of a 16-foot trailer for a flat-bottom boat, the Iowa man went on Craigslist and posted an ad proposing a barter deal in the Sites for Sale Wanted section.

What Searing allegedly offered in exchange for the trailer resulted in his arrest this week. The Craigslist post by Searing, a married 37-year-old father, noted that the boat trailer was needed ASAP and that the poster quote, will trade for sex if need be.

After Marion Police Department officers learned of the online ad, they exchanged emails with the Craigslist poster discussing whether the offered act would be oral anal sex. The parties agreed that that detail would be settled when they met in person. Wow. All right. Yep, he offered his services as a partner in a sex act

in exchange for a boat trailer. I'm always like that. When people call the restaurant, they're like, do you want a soda for a pickup? And they're like, oh, you know, I don't know. I'm like, you know what? Just decide when you get here. You pick your soda then.

You can decide whether you want to put the soda in your mouth or just up your ass. I like that this guy thinks that his sex is good enough to warrant a boat trailer. Yeah. He also offered $25 on top of the sex. Wow. I don't know how much a boat trailer costs. Several hundred dollars. It's gotta be at least $300

to $700. A used 16-foot boat trailer typically sells for several hundred dollars. Right. What if it's made out of wood? What I don't understand is that if he's gonna do this and some idiot is actually gonna take him up on it, let him fucking do it.

Yeah. Yeah, sure. I agree. Why can't you trade sexual acts for goods? Isn't that what the fucking Native Americans did? No, it's not. But I would say that it just took it from them. And then raped them.

But that's not a trading of goods. Yeah, a blowjob for a trailer, that's fine with me. Man, these things are pretty expensive. I'm checking out on eBay. I'm seeing a boat trailer right now for $5,000. Good God. Boy, another one's $1,000. Yeah, these things are not cheap. That better be a two plus fucking... You get two boats and

use one for parts to make the boat trailer. Fucking done, dude. How do you get the boat? Yeah, I think it is. You got your guy's deck, man. How do you get the boat? Yeah. And so my grandpappy said, oh, I got everything I ever needed from sucking cocks. And I was like, Grandpa, you gotta get away from me. I am seven. He's like, fine. I'm leaving on

my boat. And it really literally went, weee! And just like rode away to sunset. I'm leaving on my boat. The cocksucker went, wee! And just rode away to sunset. I'm leaving on my boat. The cocksucker. The cocksucker. The cocksucker's fucking glory. The salty cocksucker. I mean, you know,

it's a way to be, definitely. Absolutely. You gotta make the deal before you suck the cock, because afterwards, once they come, they're done. They don't care anymore. That's right. Totally. Absolutely.

You got to get that in signing. You can go sucking dicks hoping someone's going to give you a boat. And then ask them for something afterwards. I tell you what, it don't work. Grant advice. Yeah, believe me. I've tried. Sucking thousands of dicks in not one boat.

No boats. Jackie, how many boats have you gotten? Oh, man, none. I got a fucking, I got like a fist up my vagina. Oh, that's different than a boat. I mean, unless you're the boat. Yeah, man, I fucking floated right on down the street. Yeah, oh, yeah, because I know she fucking created a river after that.

Yeah, that's for sure. People are making a movie about it right now. It's called Noah. It wasn't Russell Crowe. Yeah, called Noah. It wasn't Russell Crowe. Yeah, it definitely wasn't Russell Crowe. The crazy thing is, somewhere in the world, there is a person who blew their way

into getting a boat. Absolutely. I want to meet him. I bet she's beautiful. I think this is bullshit. Cops should be wasting their time doing other things, not busting this poor guy

for offering his ass and mouth for a boat. They don't have a lot to do there. I guess not. They don't have a lot of places to boat there. That's a good point. That's why he needs the trailer. He's got to take the boat somewhere. I'll suck dicks all the way to the coast.

That's a problem. Another lesson for the listeners. You can't drive a boat on land It has to be in the water You fucking morons Hey man You gotta There are listeners man

Another lesson though What was the first one Don't ask for things After you've sucked the dick We won't fuck whatever this is. Oh, I see. I'm sorry. I haven't been paying attention.

I'm a bad student. Bad student with a full sex tank. Well, you know, I'm just happy to have an excuse for the reasons why it's on a beer belly. It's because... Dirty, dirty student. What is he going to do? That is fucking... Kissel's not going to give you a boat if you suck his dick.

No. Not going to... Not going to... No. What? No. Never mind. The whole thing is done.

No. Why would you... I don't know. You have a full tank for a sex machine. I thought that you were into that kind of shit. I feel like Ben barely wants this boat. I cannot imagine. Hold it.

You find yourself in a wormhole man Cause the thing is Like Holden blows you For this boat You don't have a boat All of a sudden You gotta blow another dude For a boat

And he's like What are you doing He's like I gotta get this guy a boat He's like Oh my goodness Cock sucking pyramid scheme Oh no

He's like I'm gonna get you a boat Now those four Suck guys' dicks. We'll get you a boat. Now those four suck 16 dudes' dicks. We are 32 people away from a boat. Pretty soon the whole world's gotten blown. Not a boat to be seen. And it's like, where are we? The people who make the boats too busy suck a dick so they can't even put the boat together to fucking put it on the water.

That's sad. We can't start this, man. It's the end of society. You're right. We should change it to a helicopter. You suck my dick. Right. And then I'll suck your dick.

The whole world's just oddly satisfied and confused. Yeah. This guy's like the Bernie Madoff of boats. He definitely should be in prison, I think. For sure. But that's fine. Yeah, but not for this. No.

For the other shit that he did. Oh, yeah. For the other fucking dirty shit. Absolutely. All right, are we done with boat story? We're done with boats. We got one more story. Okay.

A 20-year-old man who allegedly threatened to shoot someone in exchange for 100 retweets and publish it on twitter has been arrested dakari dijon mcanoof of los angeles was booked wednesday on suspicion of making criminal threats the investigation began wednesday morning when lapd officers were notified about a photo on twitter the photo shows a rifle pointed at a los angeles street with the caption 100 retweets and i'll shoot someone walking so the retweets would be to encourage him to shoot somebody yeah how many did he get uh it doesn't say how many he got the police tracked him down pretty fucking quickly of course he is he was took a picture of the street yeah they tracked him to a home in the 700 block of 9th street in the downtown area the twitter

shitty part i kind of wish that this could have gone down i I mean, this is almost a premise for a bad action movie. Like, keep on retweeting and I'll shoot another. Like, shit like that. People would try to do. Yeah. But only 100 retweets? Yeah, it's not a lot. It's not a lot.

I mean, if he got like 4,000 retweets, he could probably do a stand-up set on Kimmel. You know, Rob Delaney did. That could work. Are you bitter about that? No, it's fine. Yeah, is that something you bitter about that? No, it's fine. That sounded a little weird. We know you're upset.

No, it's fine. Jackie? What? Don't. No, it's fine. That would be the analogy. He wants to be the serial killer of Sniper. Have you never been retweeted a lot? Is that your problem? I am not doing great on Twitter, Jackie. But that is not what this is about.

It wasn't even a diss on Rob Dilley. He's very funny on Twitter. And he was very good on Jimmy Kimmel. Google it. That is Jack peddling stuff. I'm not backpedaling. Oh, I'm peddling forward. Is this a fixed gear podcast?

Because we're taking it backwards. Jackie broke the code. Are you saying it because you know it was pulled from the internet? You can't. You can find it. Hey, I don't know. I thought it was very funny. I watched it live.

I mean, I'm sure if you search hard enough, you can find it. Yeah, it was pulled from the internet. Shit, they fucking pulled it from the internet, man. Rob Delaney is the bird luger of stand-up sets. Well, this is the picture that the guy tweeted out there. And by the way, that's an air rifle. So it's not as serious as it makes it out to be. He was just looking to shoot some people in the butt.

Shoot some butts. Here's the kid. Oh, okay. Here's another picture of him. Oh, man. He's just having a good time. He's in a lot of trouble. He loves life, but yeah, he's in a lot of trouble.

No, he's not in that much trouble. He didn't actually shoot anybody. He just enticed the idea on Twitter. That's what happens when you give a fucking water buffalo an air rifle. Jesus, Jackie. Take it easy. That was actually right. She's so happy. She's so happy. Hey, man, I loved it.

I loved it. I'm so thrilled. Good job, Jackie. Thank you. You loved it. So thrilled. Congrats. Good job, Jackie. You got one. Thank you. You stuck one under the radar. All right. Okay, so he got arrested.

He's in trouble. Yeah, he's got arrested. He got in trouble. And now it's time for a segment from Old McNally. Oh no, it's this again. So we're going to do New York stories. The first time you came to New York. Marcus is a multi-trillionaire

investor in fucking shoes. I don't give a shit. We are all going to tell our story when we first got fucked over in New York. You can decide who's the most fucking New York-y fucking piece of shit. The first time we got fucked over? Yeah, I mean, not necessarily. My story's not the first time.

My story just, it comes a little later, but it was the one that got, Ben and I were drunk last night, fucking chain smoking in my living room and we fucking came up with this segment. So the first time it happened to me, man, when New York was like, hey, I'm New York, was I did my first

and only open mic at the Comedy Cellar. I remember I got there. There was this, like, over-the-hill businessman who was, like, just trying to try it for the first time. He was in, like, a full suit. He was from fucking Poughkeepsie or some shit. We made fast friends. I got up. I ate my own shit for about five minutes.

And I paid for it. That would have killed. At an open mic, if you ate a bucket of shit. Yeah, I should have. Well, I used to moan and hump the floor and make people paid for it killed and an open mic if you ate a bucket of shit yeah i should have worked well i used to moan and hump the floor and make people clap for it it was like one of my bits so i ate a fucking ass to the point where every comic after me like made fun of me and the businessman stopped knowing me after that the businessman like just it was just like i'm not with this guy.

And then I was like, oh, well, I had to go to a murder fist meeting. You guys were out in fucking off the gate stop in the middle of fucking get shot Bushwick. Hell yeah. So I was going to that, walking through Washington Square Park, just like, alright, this just ain't my day. And then I just feel that thud

on the top of my head. Bird shit on you? Put my hand in it to see what it was. Pigeon shat in my head. And I was just like, yeah, man, that's about fucking right for this fucking Tuesday evening. And I had to ride the whole, the JMZ all the way to fucking the gate stop with a fucking head covered in bird shit. I was laughing my ass off, man. It was fun. Hell yeah.

Pigeon shit on my head my first hour in the city yeah really yeah that's your welcome to new york story the first time i ever got here yeah absolutely yeah it's just yeah first hour in the city i love it i i came down here with 1500 bucks and i had no place to stay so uh i got a place in eight hours in bed sty brooklyn as well and i was really happy and i might i had a sex in the city moment i felt like a real sarah jessica parker what's your name in Sex and the City moment. I felt like a real Sarah Jessica Parker. What's her name in that show? Carrie Brownstein. I was a real Carrie.

Bradshaw. Carrie Brownstein's a real life person. Oh yeah, that's right. She's in Sleater-Kinney. Yeah. And so I got this room and then I put my arm... I thought her name was a bitch. No, she was not. I like Carrie. Leave her alone. I thought that was her... What am I to do?

I thought it was her name. Yeah. So I got this room, and I was very excited about it. And so I put my arms out like I was Scott Stapp during a Creed performance, really crucified myself. And I fell back in my bed thinking it was going to be a nice soft mattress. Turned out just the box spring was there. And then it was just a be a nice soft mattress. Turned out just the box spring was there. And then it was just a huge, just a very hard bunch of wood.

So I threw my back out for a good month. And then that night I had to go start my, I was a bar back, cleaning out the basement of a bar with the sore back. So that was my first time in New York. My first day here, I was just like, oh no, the city just kicks your ass. Like there's nothing fucking sex in the city about it. And then, yeah, I didn't have sex for multiple months. Yeah, so that's when I knew I was in New York.

You were sleeping on a box spring for how long? Oh, eight months. You slept on wood for eight months? I put fucking newspapers underneath it to like, oh, it was awful. It was so bad. Why are you living like a homeless man in a home? I don't know.

They promised me it was a nice bed, but it wasn't a bed. That's not better than the floor. It was so bad. Just get anything. I mean, you know. Just get an animal blanket. It was 450 bucks. Get a couple towels.

Sleep on that. Mattresses are free on Craigslist. Well, I mean, you can't get those. Blankets. Free with a blowjob or something like that i can't be doing all that nonsense that boat yeah i can't believe you slept on wood for eight months you got i had to do it no you didn't i would come home dude i never felt better uh being so big because i would come back from like my bar uh bar jobs were like 5 30 in the morning i would go to

kennedy's fried chicken and nobody wanted me there no one knew what to do with me you know because it's just full of like young kids who were like drunk and they were just like what the fuck are you doing in this neighborhood and then i was just like so huge so that was good my first night and as a matter of fact my first night i heard a bunch of pops and then uh and then i looked at my window and they were just shooting out all the street lights and then i was like oh that's why there's no street lights ever oh man it was a real it was a real innocence breaker i bet all those kids though they were doing that had mattresses oh i'm sure they were all no that's the thing they all knew they were living better than me but they were also like well he's also really huge might be a cop also

would be like a really difficult thing to like get him down i was like a 22 pound cat they were just like i have no idea what to do with him. So it was interesting though. Bed-Stay was fun. Gavin? Uh, I mean, well one time a train took longer than I thought it would. Only in New York. Look man, my life is great. Versace, Versace, Bert Luger.

Only in New York. You did come in town like a steamroller. You've just been having a great time since you got here Oh yeah he was on Eugene Merman's show Before he even moved here There was that one time though When you passed out When you went home with that Oriental woman

She drugged you or something Yeah yeah yeah Then you passed out Fucked up my face Oh that's right You fell in the ice. Yeah, yeah. I slipped in the ice because there was ice and I was drunk.

And I fucked my face up, man. I forgot about that. Your face looks great now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No scars at all. I took care of it, man. You know, I'm the best. You've had lows, though.

Oh, yeah, yeah. You've had many lows. There was that. There was... Do you still have wood paneling in your room? Yeah, man. Oh, yeah, yeah. You've had many lows. There was that. Do you still have wood paneling in your room? Yeah, man. I sleep on the ground. That's not bad.

Jackie, how about yourself? I remember when I was going to my first audition here, and I was waiting for the bus, and I saw on the street it was a bag of Cool ranch doritos and out of it was just it just looked like a bunch of blood and obviously it was just a pigeon without a head and it was just like peeping out of the cooler ranch bag and there were a bunch of other pigeons pecking at it yeah and i was just like standing there watching it i was just like man that's a pigeon eating their own kind. And then I watched as this homeless dude

that lives in my neighborhood that always harassed me, I watched him come up the sidewalk. I was like, oh man, he's going to fucking ask me for a cigarette. But he didn't. He just went over to the bag, shimmied the pigeon out of the bag, and then took the bag and ate the chips out of it. And I'm just standing there waiting for the

bus. I was just watching it happen. He's eating it. And then he looked at me and he smiled. He was thrilled. And the pigeon kept eating the dead body on the ground. I just was like, well. I'm going to crush this audition. So, Mr. Browski, your character

is somebody who just witnessed a homeless man take a pigeon out of a Doritos bag and eat the Doritos. Go. Oh, no, I can do this. Why am I here? Someone bring me home. I hate it here. I just didn't think a human being would do that. But, you know, if you're hungry enough,

also, Cooler Ranch Doritos, the best Doritos. They are great. Out of all the Doritos In addition For a commercial for Doritos I think you were with me Holden When we saw that homeless guy On the subway Vomit into his hands

And then started eating it Oh god Yeah we watched that I saw that And that was fine That was a fucking Fucking normal Friday night So you know

What are you having for dinner? Human soup I love the first rule That you learn about Fucking And that was fine. That was a fucking normal Friday night. So, you know. What are you having for dinner? Human soup. I love the first rule that you learn about fucking New York subways is that if you see a busy train come by and no one's on one car, that's not your lucky day. Get away from that fucking car. I just did that. I had never smelt such a stench. Dude, why did you get on the train?

I lived with it. Sometimes you forget. You're just like, oh, open car, open car. Wow, a seat for me everywhere. Sometimes it's like off hours and none of the train's crowded. Right, right. And then you get fooled. Oh, it's amazing. And they just

sleep. They're sleeping so sound. Peacefully and happily. You'll never smell a stench like a true homeless person stench. Yeah. So, I watched a guy take off his socks the other day in the subway. I was like, oh, it smelled bad. And then he took off his socks

and, like, aired them out while he was sitting there. On a closed subway. Yeah, and I was just sitting there, just like, oh, no. You know what was awful? I saw this homeless like, prostitute woman, like, light up a fucking Newport on a train. I'm a smoker, and man, that sucked. But you can imagine how many boats she has at home.

She's fucking winning. Where are we at? Josh, that was great host work. Where were you? You or you? You or you got it? Before I moved to New York, I recorded a comedy album in Boston where I'm from. And the albums were delivered to me here because between that time I moved.

And they were delivered. And I had them in my car for whatever reason in my neighborhood in Harlem. And somebody broke into my car and stole a box of CDs with my face and comedy material on them. That's hilarious. And I was just hoping they would show up like in barber shops or like an Asian lady would come in while I was getting my haircut and be like, do you want to buy this? And I'd be like, I made it. But no, they just threw it in a dumpster.

That's what we call a failed gang initiation. Go steal something from a car. Yeah, they probably thought it was like Blu-ray players, but it was something of no value to anybody. Do you think he listened to the album? You know, I like to think he did.

On my good days, I think he did. I would just be worth it to see how mad he was when he opened the box. What the fuck is this? A big box. We're talking like 150 cds oh man yeah at least and he didn't have any money too i'm sure yeah yeah yeah yeah and i was just like well there there goes that and i mean that's just free marketing that's great i was hoping but you know he probably just threw him in the river or something yeah yeah absolutely a pig i don't know man i remember uh one time my first year working here uh in in new york was i was going to work and i was working at nine

miles philly same place you know i still work now of course and uh i was heading there and then you had to walk through the scaffolding and i wasn't used to that or whatever and there was just this huge pile of blood. When I was walking under the scaffolding, I was like, oh, God, that's fucking awful. And I just got to work, went to work. I get to work, and I'm working all day. And then a fight comes out of bar none, and it's a bunch of fucking just like musclehead dudes beating up on these two guys.

And they clock this guy in the head, and he just like hits the ground head first. Blood starts leaking out of his forehead. It's disgusting. I was like, that's it. I'm calling the police. I'm calling the cops. The cops come. They take the guy out of there. To this day, I still don't know if he's alive. And then as I'm

walking home, I had to clean up his blood. I literally had to scrub the by-wall. Yeah, because I was working. I was on the clock. And he bled in the middle, right in front of the restaurant, so I had to scrub his blood. I literally had to scrub the bywalk. Yeah, because I was working. I was on the clock. Oh, okay. And he bled in the middle and right in front of the restaurant, so I had to scrub his blood off of the sidewalk. Oh, nice. And then as I'm walking home, that same pile of blood is still fucking sitting there. And I was so mad.

I was like, I cleaned up my pile of blood. Yeah, you had to clean up your pile of blood. I'm like, wait, you guys clean your fucking... I want to see this as I'm walking home. And then I get home, and I'm like, all right, I need to have a beer. So I go to the store and I get a 40 Budweiser. As soon as I walk outside the bodega, it was my last $3. It crashed through the bag and broke on the street of my feet.

Oh, that sucks. You've seen a couple of people die, though. That person got hit by the car outside of the poorhouse where he used to work there. Do you remember that? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't actually see that. It just happened while I was working. Yeah, man.

You get to see some people die in New York. Oh, yeah. The crane fell that one time, fucking right on that cab. That was intense. You saw the crane fall on the cab? No, I just heard it, and then I looked outside and saw it, and it was just a crushed cab. And the crane was swaying back and forth. It's like out of an action movie. I was on a j train a couple like a month ago

that kills somebody really yeah you see you see anything or no i didn't see anything it was like we had no idea we just like me and mark were on a train and we see all these like like detectives and shit so we just stopped for like mad long essex delancey we saw those detectives out there like oh somebody probably got hit like jokingly yeahly. And, like, later on that night, we looked it up. Like, someone got hit at whatever time it was. Oh, man. Shit. What a way to go.

Yeah. All right, Marcus, who's the biggest piece of garbage? I think the biggest piece of garbage, I would say. I don't know. Is that what we're engaging this in? Yeah. I don't know. It's garbage.

I don't know about that, but I would say. He was being mean. I mean, the most horrifying story is absolutely Jackie. I agree with that. Let's give it to Jackie. Let's definitely give that to Jackie. I think about it often when I look at pigeons. And Doritos.

Yeah. Well, I've eaten Cooler Ranch. I'm not going to lie. It's a heaven. When I think about it. Who's the friendliest and funniest? Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When I think about it. Who's the friendliest and funniest? Josh. Josh.

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Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh.

Josh. Josh. Josh. Josh. like that? What's your Twitter? At Josh Gondelman. That's easy. I'm Ben Kessel. That's Jack the Worm. What's next, Ed? Roundtable Facebook page. Roundtable Facebook page. At Murphist. Kevin Barnett. Hey, fuck my old

identity, man. Bird Luger! At Bird Luger. You know, birdluger.com. Google it. Google it. Instagram that fucking shit. Did that chick ever respond? To the bird life?

Oh, yeah. No, she loved it, but I just completely forgot she existed. Yeah, but I thought bird luger bones chicks now. Don't you bone chicks now? Oh, no, I do. I fucking slammed out there, but I just forgot about that one. I can't believe you were able to have sex in the pure land of New Orleans. I mean, that's not known for prostitution.

A good way to get laid in New Orleans is to say you've never been to New Orleans before. Oh, yeah. And then just like show them a boat. They love tours. Or a cemetery. Alright, we'll talk to you soon. Good night.