The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 189: Pudgy Don't Care

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

Today on Round Table: a man assaults his wife after a rousing rendition of "Ding Dong, the Witch is Dead", an emu causes a ruckus, and a bus driver is arrested after she is found to be drunk on gin-soaked raisins. Joining us today: John Pack and Micah Sherman!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay on, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Yeah, I'm fine. We're all good, man. I could start the show. I have no problem. Yeah, I'm fine. I could start the show. I have no problem. Let's start it. We're starting it? Yeah, just start it.

Even though the game's still on? Just play. In the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, Amen. Hey, what's going on, Jesus? How you been? I've been great. I've been having a good time here on Earth.

Remember what that was like? Enjoy yourself on Earth. Now you're just up in no man's land. You probably don't even have feet anymore. Yeah, probably. Scooting around on clouds. If it's even clouds, it's probably just like a frame of mind that you're permanently stuck in. And that's gotta be horrible.

You're just listening to me now, judging me, thinking that I'm doing shit that's wrong. Well, I tell you what, one of us is still here, so why don't you come down and do something about it, bro? You don't like my fucking attitude? Fucking stop me, man, because I'm ready, bro. I'm ready to fucking

take you. Oh, who's this guy? Who's this guy? I'm just kidding. In the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, God doesn't exist. All right, Ed. Welcome to the round table of gentlemen, everybody. That was a very nice prayer, Ed. Thank you. Thank you.

You said we were having a great time on Earth and you were living a wonderful life, but you know, God knows when you're lying. I'm having a great life. Oh, okay. I love my life. Alright. Someone's got to. Who's all around this round table? Jackie Zebrowski. I feel like a fucking chimp Nancy

in a goddamn cell over here. Why? We're in a fucking different space. I got fucking people looking at me like I'm fucking about to eat a banana. What's wrong with the Zebrowskis? I'm not people looking at me like I'm fucking about to eat a banana. What's wrong with the Zabrowski's? I'm not fucking Ed Larson. I love bananas. I'm not going to eat a fucking banana.

A fucking piece of shit bananas. I was watching this fucking dick fuck eating a banana on the goddamn subway on the way over here. Who is this? Sure. This fucking little teeny, teeny white girl, and she's just like delicately eating the banana. How do you want her to do it? Maybe you should have a banana. No, I don't fucking need a banana. I eat dried apricots for my potassium,

thank you very much. Fuck bananas, and fuck everybody who eats them. Not you, Ed. I'm Ed Larson. That's very nice. We know Ed is here. Holdenators, ho! Shout out to Nick Wright for the awesome fan art.

Also, all you Holdenator haters out there, I'm going to come on your fucking dads. Very good. I'm going to come on your dads. Bird Luger, I don't need fan art because my fan art is drawn by God. I'm talking about birds. Hell yeah, Bird Luger.

So good to see you, Bird Luger. Man, I love Bird Luger. Bird Luger's pretty great. All right, we got Johners. Man, I love Bird Loogers. Bird Loogers, pretty great. All right, we got John Pack here as well. Thanks for being here, John. My pleasure, guys. My pleasure. Yeah, and then before the show,

you said you don't do comedy anymore. You've given up. Oh, I've given up that dream. Life is over. What's so miserable about your existence? You know, I have a nice spot. Well, you went to the gym a lot this week. I go to the gym a lot.

That's not good. If you're listening at home, I'm ripped. I'm really ripped. I'm just bursting out of my shirt. That's the thing, man. Always when we go out to the club, right, you're always like, come on to the club. Yo, guys, come on to the club with me. Yeah, yeah.

I need a fucking fat friend out there. I just watch him just fucking. He's just fucking them. Sucking dudes' dicks and fucking chicks, man. I will do anything to anyone. Hell yeah. Sucking dicks and intercoursing chicks. The John Pack life story.

And then Micah Sherman. By the way, by popular demand, the Facebook page for the roundtable is doing very well. Marcus, you just checked the score. 810 members. Yeah. And climbing. Let's get to 1,000 by next week. We're down to 100.

Quit the fucking group, you pieces of shit. Hold it. You can't talk to them like that. Yeah, why do you get fan art? You're terrible to the fans. Don't. Yeah. You know why?

Because our fans are fucking pussies. What do you want from me? I get a phone call. It's like, hey, and like round table. I don't do anything. You're giving out your phone number to these people? I give, yeah. I give my fucking phone number out to people.

How else am I going to fucking go to people's houses and beat them up? That's a good point. You have to have their number. I don't do anything with my life and I listen to round table and it's just like, fuck our fans, bronc. You can't talk to them like that. Well, I think that's just fine.

And Holden, it's obvious that no one's listening to you because the numbers are rising. Absolutely. And you know, another person on the Facebook page, Tom Floyd, he says, Bird Luger is my new Lord and Savior.

He's learned, but you got to remember that the true Lord and Savior is our Lord Jesus Christ. Don't forget that. Who created the bird. He wrote, he spelled Savior wrong. Oopsie.

There's an I in there? Yeah. Savior is the other one, you goddamn moron. That was your real Dan Quayle moment. I never had to spell Savior, I guess. Yeah. You're thinking of Saver. Yeah.

Not everybody is always talking about me. They should be. Risky related things. I'd just like to say, before we get started, I'm ready to have a fun time with everybody here, including the listeners. Yeah. Risky related things. I'd just like to say before we get started, I'm ready to have a fun time with everybody here, including the listeners. All right.

So Michael Sherman was here and you just heard him talk. Micah was here and you just heard him talk, but he's off the show. Not to be heard of again. Micah Sherman, thank you for being here. You know, the pleasure's mine, Ben. Start drinking again for Christmas. The twinkle in your eye is too much.

Oh, man. I remember stuff. I can't deal with none of that nonsense. Marcus is the one who remembers things, and we just milk him for information. That's how it works. I don't think I've been on the show since I stopped drinking. No, you did one time. Oh, I did?

Yeah, you've been here one. The ultimate test. And if you're not drinking by the end of it, it wasn't a good show. Yeah, are you still having fun? No. Yeah, that's the problem. No. Everybody should drink.

Yeah, but he never had fun, though, right? No. I never had fun. All right. I am Ben Kissel, and we've got Marcus with the news. So, Marcus, what's our first news story? An angry British husband assaulted his wife because she kept singing Ding Dong, the witch is dead after his mother died.

Oh! Got to hit a bitch, man. Yeah, that deserves an assault. You know, she was like dancing in two, pumping her arms up and down. Ding Dong, the witch is dead. Your mom is dead. And he just smiled after he hit her.

You have to. So, Jackie, you'd hit a bitch? Yeah, of course. Especially if it's like my mama fucking dying. She was horrible, though. How do you know? This is probably a really horrible person. She must have been.

Well, I mean, you know, she must have been fairly terrible if the initial reaction was to sing a classic song, Ding Dong, The Witch is Dead. I mean, I'm on the side of the woman here. You know, every lady would hate to be under the thumb of their significant other's mother. I mean, can you imagine if your boyfriend's mom was always yelling at you about what you're wearing, what you're doing with your life, and if she died, how joyous that occasion would be. But she was also

a dumb piece of shit. You don't know that. You sing it in your head. Or you sing it to your friends. You don't sing it in front of fucking him. Or you deserve to get hit. I suppose so. That is some solid-ass logic right there. Right?

There's only one way to sing that song, right? Annoyingly. As a matter of fact, Holden, give it a shot. Ding dong, the witch is dead. The stupid bitch, it's the witch, and she's dead. That would be the way to sing it. I guess there's two ways to sing that song. How would you sing it, Micah?

Ding dong, the witch is dead. Rich old witch. The wicked witch. Sing it high. Sing it low. More emo. See, that was kind of sexy and alluring, though. It sort of sounded like a happy birthday Mr. President.

Yeah, that's what I was going for. Mixed with sort of like an ogre in a dungeon. Yeah, absolutely. Imagine if Marilyn Manson was an ogre in a dungeon. And her dress kept blowing up. Come on, Jackie! Oh, Marilyn Monroe, not Marilyn Manson. You have the wrong visual there.

Marilyn Monroe in ogre. Did I say Marilyn Manson? Yeah, you said Manson. Yeah, I was like, Marilyn Monroe, not Marilyn Manson. You have the wrong visual there. Marilyn Monroe in Oakland. Did I say Marilyn Manson? Yeah, you said Manson. Yeah, I was like, I could see that. Imagine Marilyn Manson in a dress on the street, and his dress is all blowing up. Yeah. I've seen it. And you see that smooth patch of skin where his genitals used to be?

Yeah. John, have you ever been happy when you hear about somebody dying? Because this is a true thing. Fred Phelps died. Obviously, we had Fred Phelps from the Westboro Church. Great time. Had a good time. Everyone was happy with that. I think it's bullshit when people pretend you can't be pissed or celebratory when somebody who's an asshole dies.

Sure. It's bullshit. Anybody in your personal life that's gone, you're like, yeah, fucking grandpa was a dick. I'm happy he's gone. You want my grandpa. Your grandfather. My grandpa was a dick. Really?

Yeah, I barely knew him though, so it was okay for me to not have any feelings of loss. I think it's okay to have those feelings. I think it's not okay to express those feelings. Maybe somebody who's grieving. I think so, so that's why you need to hit a bitch. Yes!

Andrew Salmon, 42, came to blows with spouse Beverly after she repeatedly belted out the Wizard of Oz classic. Furious, he packed up her stuff and refused to let her into their home. And when she hid in the garden shed, he locked her inside. I will say, sometimes you need to lock a bitch in the garden shed. I mean, a girl named Beverly Salmon. Beverly Salmon is the best name I've ever heard.

There's no way she's not a redhead, right? Yeah, it's possible. He didn't hit her, though. He just locked her up. No, no, no. Managing to climb out of the window, she let herself into the house, but Salmon dragged her out by her feet. Oh, here it is.

The chaos continued as she ran upstairs and started throwing his clothes out the window, to which Salmon responded by pinning her down on the bed and punching her repeatedly in the face. Spraying his head all over her because he's a fish. She was feisty, though. It sounds like, I mean, she was really asking for it. Throwing his clothes out the window. And she continued to sing the song throughout the entire situation. I mean, she was really driving the guy nuts.

There's no doubt about that. I think I kind of like her. I think I like Beverly Sal her. I like Beverly Simmons. That's why I was actually thinking when Marcus and I were going through this story earlier, I thought this might be a woman you could really relate to, Jackie. I mean, she's putting her guy through the ringer. She hated her mother-in-law. And

ding-dong, the witch is dead. And wouldn't you celebrate? Yeah, but I wouldn't press charges. If you're going to fucking do something like that, it's like, yeah, man, hit me. I think the cops just came, though. But he punched her on the bed. Yeah, he punched her a bunch.

So you think that she can sing the song, he can punch her, no cops should be involved, they should just watch True Detective later that night and have a good time. Yeah, yeah. I don't think they have that in England. Maybe they do.

No, they should just role play True Detective. And just like Woody Harrelson's character will just fuck the shit out of Matthew McConaughey's character. Is that just something that I fantasize about? Absolutely. That sounds very hot, though. Yeah, it does. I remember my step-grandmother passed away. And she was a horrible woman.

She tried to kill my grandfather. Everyone hated her, right? I'll tell you, this is the thing that old women women used to do this my grandmother tried to kill my grandfather too that was just a normal it was par for the course it was totally nothing ever happened to her but she ended up after my grandfather died she took all like all the money all everything i was supposed to inherit she like gave away before i even got to it or anything yeah and then uh she went like what was like 13 in larson cash so like eight dollars american it was like $13 in Larson cash, so like $8 American? It was like some cool shit, family stuff. And she got arrested for selling Coke.

This is my step-grandmother. What? How old was she? She was like 80. How was she getting the Coke? I mean, restaurants. Where is she getting that hustle? That's amazing.

She was just a natural. She was just a hustling kind of broad, you know? Yeah. And I remember she died, and my father called me up. And this is probably the last happy moment I have with my pops. It was like we were like... When your grandmother died. Yeah, when my aunt died.

I mean, when my step-grandmother died. I remember he called me. He's like, hey, Barbara died. And we just sat there in silence for a second. Then it was just like... People just started laughing at each other. It was great. It was a good little moment.

Yeah, that seems like a very nice bonding moment between father and son. And then he put another trash bag on you and made you run five miles. Yeah, that's the thing. I mean, I don't know. I totally understand the idea of know. I kind of understand. I totally understand the idea of not mourning the death of somebody that you hated.

When my grandfather died, my father's father died, my dad's whole reaction was like, Hey, so, yeah, your opah died today. I cried a little this morning. And that was like it. And that was like the whole thing. And then the whole funeral, you know, obviously we just went and shredded a bunch of documents. On account of the history that the man had.

Some could say on account of the Hitler. Well, you know, Hitler was a part of history. The Hitler Street. Yeah, something like that. Hitler Street. So yeah, I don't think that my father cared at all. I'll tell you right now, man, I was happy when I found out that Jesus died. You know why? Because he died for

our sins. Let's talk about it real quick. Is Bert Luger more Christian than Kevin Barnett is? It really feels that way. Bert Luger is a spiritual force. I don't know if I can follow Bert Luger as hard anymore. I definitely agree with that. But you just spent some time with your parents, Kevin. So maybe this is why it's called Barnett.

Bert Luger is secretly a Nazi. Now I'm thinking about it. The eagle on the Nazi thing. Luger, that's the Nazi gun. I'm starting to get suspicious here. The Nazis believed in Christianity. As a matter of fact, the Swastika. They didn't believe in Jesus? Not at all. Their whole thing was to create

their own religion. The Nazis were the religion. Really? They were staunch anti-Christian. It was white witchcraft. That's not entirely true. They used Christian propaganda in a lot of ways in Germany to get people to the Third Reich. The swastika was actually a former symbol of Christianity.

It's a Buddhist symbol. I thought it was Native American. I thought it was a sun. You know what? Let's just say we all are right. No, but it was used in a bunch of different cultures. Yeah. But I think primarily it might have been a Buddhist thing. It was definitely, yeah, it was Buddhist from then because Hitler was really in the Eastern religions.

Yeah. Very ironic. And then the Nazis moved it a little. Yeah. I went and visited like a Hindu temple one time with my church group. I went and visited a Hindu temple one time with my church group, and we found a side room where we peeked in, and there was a big pyramid in the middle with a swastika at the top of it. And we thought we'd found some hidden dirty secret of the Hindus. We're like, they're evil.

They're evil. They're so evil. But anyways, yeah. But the goat and all that. So what's happened to this guy? I once shaved a swastika on the side of a goat. I think that's okay. That's technically legal, I think.

Where did you find the goat? This is all a lie. Oh, I see. In his imagination. In his playtime thoughts. Well, this guy has confessed to assault, and he's going to be sentenced next month. Sentenced? Yeah. Yeah. So this woman really got, she

lost the terrible mother-in-law that she hated and now she lost the guy that that mother-in-law birthed. She's living the dream life and she's now a victim so she's going to get major dick whenever she wants. Man, I feel like I need to learn something from Beverly Salmon here. She's good. Beverly Salmon's the best. Take one beating

you get all the inheritance. Totally. Your husband goes to jail. Divor good. Beverly Salmon's the best. Take one beating, you get all the inheritance. Totally. Your husband goes to jail. Divorce him in jail. Yep. Take the inheritance. Start fucking everyone in town. If you want to.

Great time, Beverly Salmon. Beverly Salmon. But you know what? She was really shitty to her husband, Andy Salmon. Andy, he said that he was depressed and unhappy. His wife was not being supportive over the loss of his mother. So he loved his mother. Well, naturally.

Yeah, I mean, most kids do, like the person that birthed them. She needs to tell him what this bitch did to her when he wasn't looking. Something fucking went down, and she was screaming praises. Yeah, but men never believe it. They never fucking believe it when you say that shit. And you're just like, no, girl, you crazy.

So you want to fucking see me be crazy? You want to see me be crazy? Lock me up in a fucking garden shed. That's true. Marcus, does it say anything in there about how wide the stepmother's throat is? No. Why would you want to know that whole thing? I'm just curious.

I'm starting to get a little nancy over here. I'm starting to get a little antsy for this whole situation. Yeah. You know? What's making you antsy about it? Does it say anything about her tits or anything in there? No. Nothing about her tits.

It's a grandmother. It's more of a... Yeah, that's fine. Nothing about her body at all. I like it. You just pretend she just got out of a swimming pool. She had two foot tits. They went straight up in the sky.

Ross couldn't keep her down. I'm going to have to go to visit Dr. Cum after this. Dr. Cum. Quick visits. Five minute visits. Can we break that down? Well, Holden loves his mother. Holden, let's just say that your lady friend

says some terrible things about your mother. I mean, how are you going to react? Would you react like Mr. Salmon here? No, I'd make him fuck and film it. It's a dead body, Holden. Hey, whatever. Well, sure, we'll have to do it somewhere like fucking China or Croatia or something. I can't wait with it.

But whatever, yeah. You can't fuck a dead body in Croatia. No, I mean, the mother's still alive. Your mother's still alive, theoretically. My mother is still alive. Yeah, he's saying the mother's still alive. Your mother's still alive, theoretically. My mother is still alive. Right. He's saying he would make his girlfriend in his motherfucker. Make his girlfriend talk shit about his mother.

The hair-pulling, angry problem is who wears the strap on. Yeah, right. That's what makes my fucking skin want to explode. Who wears it? Eat a skin of a double dong. No, no. One is the boy and one's the old lady. Kevin, you look very uncomfortable.

I think you just answered your question. But it could be that my mom's the boy and then I just got to get a gray hair wig for my fucking girl. You don't want to do all that leg work. Just shave your mom's head. Just shave your girlfriend's head and have them switch fucking hair.

All right. All you need to do is give them both big bushy eyebrows. Do whatever you like. This is your party, bro. It's your party. It's your fantasy. Can we make jack-o'-lanterns after it? Absolutely. Out of their heads. Out of their real heads.

Out of the back. This is becoming a two-stop shopping trip right here. At first, all you needed was a glue stick and some scissors. Now you need to find a grocery store that carries pumpkins full season. Double dongs.

A lot of work is going to go into this fantasy. Do you have to go buy the strap on or do you already have that? Oh mama. Don't ask. Nothing a cucumber and some duct tape couldn't fix. Oh, cod. I got a glow-in-the-dark one.

When you turn off the lights, it looks like a brain. I'll use a cod. My favorite sexual position is at a seasoned pumpkin. Is that where you skull fuck her? Is that what that is? She just sits on it. It takes a big dump. That's where you drop her from a third story window.

And she explodes. And I beat it with a bat. But you put a candle in her mouth first. Kevin, how disgusted are you right now? I mean, at this point, I'm used to this shit, man. That's a good point. I can't believe you just answered to kevin yeah dude i mean i fucked up bird luger could admit when he's made a mistake that's what's so special about bird

luger had nothing to do with it bird luger is out saving lives somewhere he'll be back in a minute look at me man do i look like i got my wings right now i don't oh i like that concept that bird luger leaves your body to go save. What does he do? Peck shit? What does a bird luger do? He saves other birds. He saves.

Birds in distress. Mends their wings. Ties them up. Like Beethoven. Yeah. Sort of like Beethoven. The dog? The dog.

Yeah, he held the bird in his mouth. Air bird luger. Sort of like an Air Bud situation. I understand why people are confused when they listen to this podcast. You know, I do. I do understand. Fairly straightforward threads of logic.

What don't you get? 18 or 19 threads of logic going at once. Exactly. What I don't understand is why anybody ever would listen to it. They're a bunch of idiots. Why are you... I'm with Holden. Fuck these people. Thank you, Micah.

Only one Holdenator at the table at a time. Holdenators hoe. Indeed, they do hoe because they certainly don't have jobs. Marcus, what is another news story? A manhunt for the Walmart toe sucker ended Wednesday night when police in North Carolina arrested a man who allegedly posed as a shoe salesman and then sucked on the toes of the

surprised woman customer. Where in North Carolina? Let's see here. Lincolnton. Oh, don't. Never heard of it. Never heard of it. When the horrified woman protested, he told her he was a podiatry student.

Lincolnton. They got a Walmart there? Absolutely. They got a Walmart there? Absolutely. They got a Walmart, they got a Kmart, because police have had several complaints of incidents like that in both Kmart and Walmart. Same dude? Same dude, yep.

He's going around sucking toes. Lincoln Town Detective Dennis Harris told a local TV station that the man apparently tried the same thing Monday at another Walmart 15 miles away where he told a woman he was conducting a survey on the feet of different races and nationalities. Let's be rational, though. He is a podiatrist. I just feel like this is the biggest... For all intents and purposes?

So, yeah. I mean, that's how it works, right? This is the easiest offender to combat. Yeah. Your fucking mouth is in his... His mouth is on your foot. Just fucking bash his fucking face in with your foot. He's got the in his, his mouth is on your foot. Just fucking bash his fucking face in

with your foot. You got the definite upper hand. It feels good though. It doesn't feel good. These ladies, if you buy shoes at Walmart once,

you've bought it a thousand times and at no point have you ever bought shoes and there's been a fella there being like, let me put them on and let me try them on for you.

A podiatrist of sorts. They knew what they were getting into and they welcomed the impression of a man's cup. There's a window where the toes are going into the mouth Let me try him on for you. A podiatrist of sorts. They knew what they were getting into. There's a window where the toes are going into the mouth where they could reject him. They liked it. He was just telling them, you know, try a smaller shoe. And no, you just got to get them wet before you stick them in the shoe and it slides right in.

That's a good point. You have a golden slipper. I'm out of my water bottles. Hold on. Let me. The theme of both of these stories. That's a really strong point. There are no helpers at Kmart.

And certainly not at Walmart. I can tell you exactly how this guy did it. This is according to the local news station. Erica Porras was shopping Monday when police say Brown allegedly approached her and asked if he could help her try on shoes. He said, follow me to the shoe department. Oh, yeah. A lot of Velcro shoes, by the way. A lot of sasses.

A lot of nursing shoes. Gross foot is a Walmart foot, man. Oh, definitely. This is not a lucky guy. He's wearing an inside-out white T-shirt that has Walmart written on the front and sharpie. Yep, she thought he worked at the store and agreed to try on shoes when Brown told her he was a podiatry student.

Erica's daughter Katie said, he said, I need to take a picture for research. And when he did, he stuck her foot in his mouth. I have a camera in the back of my throat. It's weird. It is Walmart. They're really taking care of everything. I feel like out of all the fetishes, the foot-sucking fetish is the least to be worried about. If you're a lady, I mean, this isn't such a big deal.

I don't like the fact that the woman described herself as being horrified because it was like how much he didn't put his hands on her pussy or fucking on her fucking tits or something like that. Brass or bosom, face even. He put something in her mouth, man. It's her feet. How much horrible stuff does she step in every single day? I don't appreciate this shit.

Burt Luger's protesting. Absolutely. Burt Luger protests. I bet this has happened a lot more because women don't want to go through the whole process of going to the police lineup and sticking their feet in four different gentlemen's mouths. Everyone in the lineup has to stick out their tongue and lick this woman's feet. Does that feel like his tongue, ma'am? I agree. Yeah.

This is not the worst. I mean, how do you feel? I mean... Would you go out there... What would you suck? If you're a Walmart employee, you're faking... Elbows. I'd suck elbows.

Sucking elbows. So you're going with more of the... You would have to go in like the... Yeah, it's close to... The roller blade section. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let me see your elbow. Let's get that elbow on an elbow. So you're going with more of the, you would have to go in like the roller blade section. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let me see your elbow. Let's get that elbow on an elbow pad. Get you some elbow pads.

Oh, hold on. Elbow pad's too small. No, we'll get that on there. We'll get it on there. Hold on. Let me see you suck the elbow. That's my trick. I would be more offended. This guy probably just wasn't even that good at sucking feet. He probably just put it in his mouth and laid there like a fish. Maybe if he put some effort into it, he wouldn't have gotten in trouble.

I love a good foot sucking. Jackie, you enjoy having the feet nibbled on? No, do you suck feet? I suck every part of a female's foot. Oh, totally, yeah. I don't suck feet. I like the bottom of them. I love everything.

That's what a slave does. Well, this is hot stuff. I feel like feet shouldn't be involved with mouth. You've been fisting you've been fisted by a man with rings on. The whole banana. Yeah, but I didn't have him sucking on my feet. Well, yeah, but

I mean, you have a term for it. It is literally called the whole banana. Jackie has said it before. And you're yelling at me for sucking on feet. The lies you're trying to say about all of feet. I like to have my feet sucked. I like to have my toes sucked. Really? Yeah.

You've had this happen? What's that? You've had this happen? Yes. No woman should ever suck a man's toes. Unless you pay her to do it and she's Asian. Sure. Or Polish.

Any time if she's Asian. Yeah. But no women, and no woman should ever suck a man's butthole. Men are disgusting creatures for men. I like to sit in slime and watch a girl dance. Yeah, but we're not talking about Thursday. Either way. With music or without.

We were talking about what was turning us on with just sounds of fucking knives being sharpened. That's about right. And there's a fucking old guy throwing pots against the wall. Yeah, exactly. I can't think of a part of my body that I don't like to have a mouth on. Doesn't it tickle? Nope. I notice he's doing it right.

Oh, maybe that's my problem. Do you get your toes sucked on, Marcus? I've had my toes licked before. Okay. It felt nice. It does feel nice. I've never had the feet sucked on. It's funny because...

I mean, it did weird me out. It did start tickling a little bit. A girl can give me a blowjob and I'll still kiss her afterwards, but if a girl kissed on my feet, I'd be like, go fucking brush your teeth, bitch. I'd rather kiss a girl after she sucked my dick after then she sucked my feet, right? Yeah.

Because then it's like, where is the line, man? I know where my dick's at. There's no line. What's the line? I just don't like it, man. The line is, if you've showered before you engage,

nothing's off limits. I say, you know, we'll go out walking for 10 hours and we'll suck your feet after that. Fucking all the grime from the rest of your

dirty ass body goes to your fucking feet. Absolutely. Wash your tub, Kevin. No one does that. You're all gonna die of like sickle cell or something like that because you're not, it's important to get to that. You're all going to die of sickle cell or something like that.

It's important to get sickle cell. It's important. Is that how you're going to have sickle cell? I don't even know. I'm talking about building the immune. Building the immune system. I ain't never sick. When was the last time I was sick?

Four years ago. Because I'm sucking toes. Do you know how... I found so many weird time I was sick four years ago because I'm sucking toes. Do you know how... Man, I've found so many weird foot fetish crimes all around. Just in the last year, just by googling foot fetish crimes,

this one's fucked up. Police are trying to identify the victims of a 19-year-old Los Angeles roller rink employee who they say admitted indulging a self-described foot fetish with up to 200 young boys. I mean, you're not molesting a kid if it's just his feet.

You gotta give him a pass if it's just the feet. You don't give him a pass. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. You give him a pass. You just kiss the feet. You are in the wrong, Ed Larson. Kids gotta give back. I mean, yeah, these kids don't...

Get back to your country, son. Here's what he actually did. The newspaper cited court documents that show Flores admitted taking up to 200 young boys into a maintenance room over the course of a year at Northridge Skateland, having them remove their socks and rub their feet on his hands or face to sexually arouse himself. Nope. Flores' statement to police came after one boy told his grandmother about a December encounter in the maintenance room.

The grandmother found the alleged victim wandering around at the rink without his socks and skates after she let the boy go to the men's room by himself. Oh, all right. So always go to the bathroom when you're good. That sounds much worse than it probably looked. Yeah. Wandering around the rink like he's missing his shoes and socks like a boy. Yeah.

That's why they only caught one kid out of 200, because the other 200 kids that are walking around without their shoes on just got hit for walking around without shoes on. Put on the shoes. No one wants to hear about the molestation that just occurred. I don't think that's something like it. that's different than molestation, man. That's not going to scar a kid. It can't.

Just fucking awesome dude, let me put my feet all over his face. It is kind of a funny thing to do. Following the interview with Flores, police seized his cell phone and laptop and found videos in which he instructed several unknown minors to remove their socks. In one video, a boy asks, Why would you let a nine-year-old who you hardly know put their feet on your face? God, the boy knows better than the man. Well, what was his response?

Let's not judge. Of course it gets me fucking hard, kid. You know what that is yet? Yeah, Holden, what would your response be? Oh, my baby. Be my baby. I don't know, man. I zoned out. Which character are you playing there?

I haven't listened to anything in the past ten minutes. Are we still talking about feet? Yeah, we're on feet. Now it's little boy feet. In ten minutes, it'll be ankles. So stay tuned. Wake me up when we get to the knees. Wake me up when we get to the fucking knees.

I got some shit to say about some fucking knees, man. Fuck it. Let's just go straight to knees. What do you have to say about knees? Oh man, I wish they were spikier. Then you could fucking lay dudes out just fucking kneeing them fucking with your spiky knees like a fucking Tia Jute Ninja Turtle villain. No, I gotta say, I'm withholding again.

Yeah, I actually do kind of wish knees were spikier. Have you ever licked the back of a knee, though? I like the back of a knee. Oh, that's awesome. Yeah, apparently that's a thing that they enjoy. Oh, the inside of the elbow is very nice. Really? Is it just because it's soft?

Yeah. Yeah, because it sits and no one touches it. All the little areas where you don't normally get touched are the most intimate areas. I just don't know how you guys are having sex. It's all blackout zone. It's all, you should, every part of the person's body you should be kissing on. I go into a blind rage. When I wake up, she has been fucked, and my cum is out in the world.

I think that's appropriate. I'm with you on that. I black out with rage. I don't know about the rage part. That seems dangerous. Heavy rage when I'm fucking. What are you so angry about? She has to wear, besides we cut a little hole out of it, but she wears like mats, like a

body suit of mats. So you can punch her? Yeah. I don't know. I'm punching anything, man. I'm not like trying to hurt her, but my arms are just flailing about and I'm just fucking. Uncontrollable. It's a lot of like.

It sounds like you're having a seizure. Yeah. It sounds like you're having a seizure. It sounds like this is how the grizzly man died. Yeah, exactly. I just get very into it, man. It's like you gotta be there, man. You gotta be fucking present with your woman and fucking her until she cries with coming.

I think that's the first correct thing you just said. Yeah. God. It is disgusting stuff. So this guy didn't get hired at Walmart. No. They didn't put him in the shoe section.

He did not get hired, and in fact, he is going to jail. He's going to jail. Yeah, for sexual assault. For sexual assault. Very interesting. Let's move on to bird news. Oh, okay. Right now, Luger!

Luger! This is one of your flightless birds, though. How does Bird Luger feel about flightless birds? They're all part of the family. A runaway emu put up quite a fight when it was placed under arrest, police have said.

The Australian bird was wrestled into the back of a patrol car by two officers after it was seen under arrest, police have said. The Australian bird was wrestled into the back of a patrol car by two officers after it was seen wandering in the road. It is being looked after at a farm park while efforts are made to find its owner. Lincolnshire police spokesman said it was quite a challenge for the two officers. It's a strong bird

and put up some resistance to being put in the back seat of a patrol car. They have roads in Australia? I guess so. Sounds like they got cars too. That's bizarre. Police officers? Why would they try to put an emu in a patrol car?

Because of the quality? I have an answer for that because the police van was out on another job. That's dumb! I'm more than upset! Then it's just like, just wait. How much trouble is this emu going to cause? It doesn't have hands.

What did the emu do? He was wandering around. It spit at the kangaroo cop. Emus can be dangerous animals. They can be very aggressive. Crocodile sheriffs like, bring him to me. This is the actual emu in Quest and Reinhardt. They can be very aggressive. Crocodile sheriffs, like, bring him to me. Yeah. This is the actual emu in question right here.

It's a terrifying beast. It looks happy. They're reptilian. Now, there was a big fad in Texas for about five years of emu farms. San Diego, too. San Diego, too. And emu arms all over the place. Emu meat was very popular.

In the late 90s, it was going to replace chicken because the eggs are gigantic and there's tons of meat. So everybody started farming emus. Emus are ostriches or there's a difference? What's the deal here? They're like mini ostriches. No, no. Einhorn was Finkel. Einhorn, that's an Ace Ventura reference.

Well, the problem with the emus in Texas is that after people figured out that they were dumbasses for buying a bunch of emus, they just set them off into the wild. So they'd get into the wheat crop and they'd fuck things up because they're big dumb animals so for a while there emu hunting was a fun little thing that people would do uh and one day my dad and my uh five-year-old nephew at the time they were driving around dad sees an emu out in the field was your five-year-old nephew wearing shoes and socks and was your father bringing him out to uh for a different reason? So they were driving down the road, and Dad always keeps a gun with him,

big rifle, always, in case he sees a coyote. He's got to shoot it. So he pulls off to the side of the road. He doesn't have to, though. Just for the record, he doesn't got to shoot it. Like, you could just, like, let it go by. Yeah, of course you do, because... Yeah, no, they kill cats.

Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, so you got to shoot them. Okay. They kill cats? Cavs. Oh, Cavs. Okay. Little baby Cavs.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Save the meat. Oh, I just thought about this. Finkel is also Einhorn. Finkel Einhorn. Yeah, the sex change thing. Also. Also.

There was, yeah, sex change there. And the transitive property. Yeah. No, very, very interesting stuff there. Thank you. So dad takes out the gun gun and he's just going to shoot near the bird to scare it away out of our field. And my five-year-old

nephew's watching. And dad kind of gets off the site. Instead of shooting right next to him, he shoots the emu in the leg. The leg flies off. Blood flies everywhere. My fucking nephew's like, Oh, God! Oh, man, I bet it toppled

right over and things just screaming, blood squirting out the bottom of it. Much, much more traumatic than getting your fucking leg off. That's not funny, man. That shit ain't funny. Very traumatic. It was an accident, Bird Luger. So I guess...

Legs off fucking my people's men? That's why they arrested this bird in Australia. So I guess legs off fucking my people's men. That's why they arrested this bird in Australia. Yeah. Everyone knows when you're emu hunting you don't use a gun you use a shovel.

No. You can't get an emu with a shovel. It seems difficult. No their neck is too long. They'll peck the shit out of you. Oh no. You gotta get one good

swipe in there. Yeah you gotta get a long shovel like a ten foot shaft. You gotta sharpen the side of the shovel. Man I wish I had a shovel like that. You gotta get a comically long shovel to hunt emus.

The meat's good. Is it? It is. I have actually had emu meat. I've had ostrich meat. And it was tasty stuff. Yeah, it tastes very much like steak. Like a cow. Is it really? It's thick? It's very thick, yeah. Is a bird considered red meat? No, because chickens aren't. Chickens aren't. No thick? It's very thick, yeah. Is a bird considered red

meat? No, because chickens aren't. No, it's white meat. Bird meat. It should be a whole other category. Oh, yeah, yeah. White meat, dark meat. So why didn't the emu take off as a form of meat? I feel like, you know, we're eating cows all over town. Chicken lobby.

Tyson. The Washington. Monsanto Chicken Lobby Bring it in the real news Fuck it yeah Emu wings bro That sounds Oh my god

Yeah You have like half of one Yeah you sit down On the table of four And you get one wing And everyone just Beats it together There's probably no meat

On an emu wing Oh Tyson meat Yeah emus are fucking huge. They can reach up to six feet in height. Their wings are just skeletal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so their wings are really useless, huh? Mm-hmm. So it's just an

evolutionary flaw at this point. Chickens don't really fly. Why do they have the wings? Yeah, chickens don't fly either. No, but chickens can kind of hop. Chickens are sort of like in a moon world. They can just kind of like... they beat gravity, sort of. That makes a chicken's life seem a lot better. It does, yeah. But yeah, what the hell is the point of the wing on the emu?

It's a vestigial structure, man. Why is it still there? It still does stuff. You can move it around and hit people with it. It's like why we still have an appendix and why some people are born with tails. It's probably also like eyebrows. I feel like they probably emote with their wings.

Why did you point to Ben when you said tail? Do you have a tail, Ben? I don't have a tail. No, I do not. The lady does protest too much. It does not have a tail. Yeah, my mom hacked mine off right when I was born. Yeah?

Yeah, the doctor screamed. Hold on. Tail, not penis. Oh. Yeah. The back penis, we're talking about. A pointy. My penis got chopped off when I was born, too.

Yeah, yeah, and they always called me Just Balls. All through those gang showers in elementary school. Hey, Just Balls. Just Balls. And then they'd throw balls, and they'd hit showers in elementary school. Hey, just balls. Here's a fucking, and then they'd throw balls and they'd throw, like, yeah, and they'd hit me in the head with it. Here's more, here's more, have some more. They used to call me five balls because I have

five balls and no penis. Oh, isn't that something? When I was born, the doctor was like, too many testicles, gotta get rid of this dick. He said dick, which I found very unprofessional. It was unprofessional. In hindsight, I watched the video.

I agree. Yeah, yeah. They would call me that until my eyes turned to the snake eyes and they'd call me Snake Monster Man. But luckily I got that fixed. That's a long one. Yeah.

Snake Monster Man, yes. Hey, Snake Monster Man guy. I need brains. I need brains. I need blood. All right. Just tapped into something there. Disgusting there. Just came in his pants.

Twice. A lot of people. So many times they've come today. What's a duodenum? Oh, it is a... Your human shit river, right? Isn't that when you... It's the same...

It's when you... Oh, no, that's a cloaca. Ah. That's a... Well, what is a duodenum? I don't know. They both sound like vegans. It's the first section of the small intestine.

It's the what? The first section of the small intestine. Oh, it's the butthole of the small intestine. It's at the very top. It's right after the liver. Duodenum. Is it a valve? Is it a little valve?

Or is it like a... It's a hollow jointed tube. It connects the stomach to the jejunum. The first thing it says is this article is about an organ for Frank Zappa's song, See Dewadnam the Song. And that is a song that first appeared as part of Lumpy Gravy Part 1. Very good. Lumpy Gravy. Yeah, I think that means shit.

I think so. Yeah. I love Lumpy Gravy. I don't want shit though. This guy needs to up his fiber intake. Yeah, I think that means shit. I think so. Yeah. I love lumpy gravy. I don't want shit, though. This guy needs to up his fiber intake. Yeah, probably. Duodenum in Latin means 12 fingers breadth. Ooh.

I like that. I have no idea what that means. Yeah, I don't understand that shit at all. 12 fingers breadth? Breath. Breath. Breath. Breath.

Oh, I thought it said breadth as well. Yeah. Interesting. 12 fingers breadth. I wouldn't break up. Oh, I thought it said breath as well. Yeah. Interesting. Interesting. I wouldn't break up with a chick if she had a tail, though. I had a girl who I used to date love sucking fingers. That's fine. That's okay.

That's not toast. Yeah, man. I dated a finger sucker, too. Yeah, and it was weird. We'd be driving, and she'd take my hand and put my fucking fingers in her mouth. I love that. Don't you don't like that? You don't like that?

I like that. In my head, I'm like, my dick is next. I'm down with a girl sucking on my finger. Not while I'm trying. It's kind of weird. I put my hand on the wheel and it's just like, of course I had a cool, fuzzy ceiling will cover. That thing got all fucked up.

She messed with your white, trash, guido, Florida steering wheel cover. Where am where am i gonna get another 8.99 yeah that's interesting but you don't like her doing it but kevin you wouldn't mind it no i don't like that you wouldn't like it but john you enjoy it i like singer finger sucking yeah yeah some hot hardcore i think that's what happens when a girl watches the jerk too much when she's going through puberty. I like when a girl sucks on your fingers when you're fooling around. I'm down.

But in your free time, it's weird. At any moment, you don't know where your hand was at last. You start to get self-conscious. Give me a kiss on the cheek. That's not what's in your cheeks. It's disgusting. It's clearer than my fucking fingers. And you can imagine. Nine times out of ten, myusted It's clearer than my fucking fingers And you can imagine Nine times out of ten, my middle finger's been in my butthole

So don't put it in your mouth Yeah, well, Kevin really agreed with that And I don't want to know why either of you thought about it I like for a girl to just bite me constantly Oh, wipe you? I just like a girl to just constantly be biting my hand Oh, bite, I thought you said wipe Oh, and wipe, yeahiting. I just like a girl to constantly be biting my arm. Oh, bite. I thought you said wipe.

Oh, and wipe. Yeah, because I don't know when I poo-poo how dirty I am. Have you ever been wiped by someone else? No, but I've definitely wiped. Besides my mother, like, you know. I guess you could have been sick and been wiped by someone at some point. It's a nursing home thing to do. We'll get that when we're elderly.

I got wiped once. By a girlfriend? Not by a girlfriend. By a nursing home thing to do. I got wiped once. I got wiped once. By a girlfriend? Not by a girlfriend, by a nurse. This is what we're talking about. We're talking about girlfriends. How was that, man? It wasn't bad.

I had an enema. There was a whole bunch of people watching. They were like, this is happening more than once where they teach the students on me. It's just so aggravating. They're like, all right, we're going to do this. Okay, hold on. Hold on. students on me you know it's just so aggravating so you had an enema so you how long were you not shitting for oh well i kidney stones i was

all you had stones so you went to the hospital yeah they plug you full of making yourself shit juice yeah and then you shit yourself And then they bring in 10 people? There was like four people. Four people. Oh, wait, when they started it, when they started, there was one. There was one and I turned over. So what are we talking about?

10, I'm imagining. 10 people in this house. So what happened? Can I get 12 in there? So then somebody hands some poor nurse student a wet cloth, and then they just point to you, and they just wipe them down? No, no, no. They just did it.

I didn't ask her anything. Why did people keep coming in the room? I don't know. I was pissed off. It was the kind of thing where, why did you say, get out of here? Well, it was like, all right, we're going to have to give you, they're like, we're going to have to give you an enema. I was like, all right, okay, all right, fine, fine. So you're laying on your side.

I'm laying on my side. And then you turn around and there's two. And then you turn around. That's exactly what happened. You should have put up the velvet rope. It's a closed party. Private party. Oh, there's doctors walking by.

They look through the window. Oh, enema. And then you just go in. Oh, Ed's getting an enema. We're going to check that out. Oh, I heard doctors walking by. They look through the window. Oh, enema. And then you're just going in. Oh, Ed's getting an enema. We're going to check that out. Oh, I heard fireworks going on behind curtain number six. Oh, my goodness. But it worked.

But it wasn't comfortable to get it done. No, no, no, no. Yeah, you didn't love it. Yeah, and I shit everywhere. What was the look on her face? Oh, you know, I think they were more like, I think they were, actually, I think they laughed at me. That's unprofessional.

Because I turned around and I was like, what the fuck are you all doing in here? I started yelling and then they all laughed and shit. I was like, all right, we'll finish, I guess. I don't know. Yeah, I would rather be a kid at a roller skate in park putting my foot all over a dude's face than having an eight-year-old kid.

I would much rather. Yeah, I don't care. Kidney sounds horrible, man. How was the wipe, though? Was it a good wipe? I was just done without me asking. Yeah, but it was good, though. You didn't have any streaks or anything like that?

Wet naps? No, it was really professionally done. Yeah. I mean, it's probably the... Dare I say the best wiping I've ever had? Yeah, sure. And those wet naps are great. My girlfriend's been buying the flushable moist wipes for the house.

No, I've been thinking about getting on board with that. Look at you. Did you get a raise? Oh, they're ideal. She did. It's great. Here's an insider's tip. Get the Cottonelle box and then replace it with the Duane Reade brand moist wipes.

There it is. See, that's why I didn't like the grandpa that died. He would replace the good booze. He would buy good booze bottles and he'd fill them with shitty booze. This is why you didn't like him. It's one of the many tales of what an asshole he was. I actually liked your grandfather for that one, though. That's funny stuff.

I'm going to buy the real fucking brand, man. Cottonelle's. Good for you. I don't fuck around with Duane Reade wipes. Hey, we buy the Duane Reade wipes, and we're fine with them. Totally fine with them. I got a question for you guys. I mean, flushable moist wipes, as far as they go,

I mean, you don't have to get the Cottonelle. You can just get the plain one. Can I take a quick poll? Sure. Sure, absolutely. W? Sure. Sure. Absolutely. Wiping styles. Yeah.

Oh, this is an old high school poll that I've taken many times. Okay. And I'm probably in the minority. I've never taken a poll with a group this size. I'm just going to throw it out there. I'm a stander-upper. I'm a stander-upper and a spreader. Stand up.

Stand up. I renege it. I am a sitter-downer. How do you even do that? You stand up and you spread it. No, I know who's standing up. You know what? I renege it. I am a sitter-downer. How do you even do that? You stand up. No, I know who's standing up. I'm saying, like, who's sitting down and doing this? People are going through 50-50.

You're a toilet water. Me or you're a dookie. I'll tell you what. I don't think you can get as good a wipe if you're sitting, or you're standing up. What? You can bend over and get everything back. You can bend over and get all of them back. I mean, it does sort of become, what's the

Rorschach test? Your butt cheeks, your ass does sort of become a Rorschach test when you stand up, because then, you know, if there is any poop in there, it hits either cheek, you know, and I just see my father hitting me, you know, and things like that.

So here's the thing. I was a stander-upper. Well, I mean, Ed has assistance, you know, so he like that. Here's the thing. I like the stand-up. I was a stander upper. Well, I mean, Ed has assistance, you know, so he's a whole other world. I hired her full-time immediately. All through high school, I was a stander upper, and I made the switch in college. Interesting. And now I lean to

the left and wipe with the right. Same way. I'm a lifelong sitter here. I've tried to do the sit down and I just get it all. I tried doing the stand up and it just I had a really run boy poo

the other day. I stood up, did the wipey, looked on the seat, a couple of driplins. Yeah, exactly. Sit down. What is wrong with you? It's your toilet, man. It was the toilet of work. Thank God. sit down what is wrong with you it's your toilet man no no no

it was the toilet of work thank god let me say this I have snapped no less than two toilet seats under my weight leaning to the left

and wiping and that really pinches the butt cheek you're a big man though I'm a big man no you gotta stand up man you lean you stand up you bend over you get in it man I feel are you doing on this? No, you got to stand up, man. You lean. No, you don't have to.

You stand up and you bend over. You clearly don't. You get in it, man. I feel like you sit down as a direct slap in the face of God. And I appreciate that. It's Sunday, man. Okay, so it looks like we're about 50-50 on the stand up sit down. Yeah, well, we don't know.

I'm 50-50 on it myself. I do both. Jackie's actually getting up to go to the bathroom right now. So, Jackie, before you leave. All women sit down when they wipe their ass. But you wipe from, you wipe front to back. No, yeah,

always front to back. You can't fucking do back to front. I think my father used to be a back to front guy. Which is fine because you guys

don't have a pussy hole that the shit's gonna get into. I've been on back to front for a little while. Oh, no, man. Yeah, I've been on back to front for a little while. That's fucking horrible, dude.

No, I think it's way better. It feels way better. You do front to back and back to front and front to back for a while. Yeah, yeah, man. Yeah, I'm on a back-to-front for a little while here. That's fucking horrible, dude. No, I think it's way better. It feels way better. You do front-to-back and back-to-front and front-to-back for a while. Yeah, you got to get in there and clean it. You get down there

and saw away. It's way better. I feel like I can get a better one. It's not clean until you're bleeding. It's the old way. Or your nurse is crying

and asking to leave the room. I'll tell you what, I will say that. That is the most obsessive, compulsive thing someone could say. Somehow this is the worst conversation we've ever had. I agree with Kevin on that. A little bit of drippling. This is really what I want the answer to.

How deep do we get? Do we touch the butthole? You gotta go in. What do you mean you gotta touch the butthole? I'm just poking out my stomach. No, no, no. How deep do we get? Do we touch the butthole? You gotta go in. I mean, what do you mean you gotta touch the butthole, right? I'm poking out my stomach. No, no, no. You don't just like wipe the cheeks around the butthole.

You actually... I think he is clean as possible for when Holden and I go to the club and fucking tear it up. We go to the club and he turns into a fucking rape machine.

Whoa. I've got to... We gotta be clean, man. Yeah, man. When I wipe my ass, I turn into Rock Hudson, bro. Here's what I want to know. I'm very upset that we're still talking.

Why are we still talking about shit? I thought for sure we'd have another story. I don't know. People seemed into it. Swim in a pool of it. What else are we going to say? Let's move on to the next story. Let's go to Pennsylvania.

Police say a Pennsylvania bus driver who took children back to school instead of driving them home after classes ended has acknowledged eating gin-soaked raisins. Police in Columbia County say they've filed charges including DUI and reckless driving,

against bitten area school district driver Jennifer Watson. Students told police that Watson was yelling, cursing, and swerving Wednesday afternoon. One student says Watson appeared to be driving her morning bus route, even though it was 3.40 p.m. And she took them all back to school? Yeah. I like it. She picked them up, left the school, got confused, and then took them all back to school? Yeah. I like it.

She picked them up, left the school, got confused, and then took them back to the school. How many raisins do you have to eat to take the kids back to school in the afternoon? That sounds disgusting. Those are two things I don't like. I feel like Ben's going to be doing this in an hour. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have a bunch of ideas. Change it to whiskey and change it to prunes.

Ooh. Prunes soaked whiskey. Yeah, that sounds very good. I just have to get a job now where I transport children. That would be very nice. Police say Watson denied drinking, but acknowledged eating raisins soaked in gin, but that she uses to deal with headaches.

You could pass the lie detector. I mean, she didn't drink, she ate. Yeah. You can eat as much booze as you want. It's not driving under the influence. It's just sort of nibbling on sweet snacks under the influence. But I don't think that's illegal. It is.

I mean, at least she brought him back to the school. I think it's great. She didn't know exactly what she was doing. I should probably bring this kid back to school. She got confused as to whether it was morning or afternoon. I mean, the sun's still out. I can understand. I love this woman.

I think I would be a great bus driver. You'd be an amazing bus driver. Her house is just full of decanter of gin with raisins in it. Like so much that she wakes up and eats them immediately. Because you know she got confused because she's like, well, I'm drunk all the time eating these gin raisins. Is that all you would have to do?

Do you just put raisins in a bunch of gin? I think so. I would just pour gin on the raisins and then you just start eating them. I would just drink gin. Yeah, that's a better idea. I would just not be a bus driver. Why not? Because you have to...

Be sober. If you love gin, you have to fucking deal with kids. Yeah, you're right. You've got to go to a school. There's a claim on Snopes that is undetermined, by the way, that a daily regimen of ingesting gin-soaked raisins will help relieve arthritis symptoms.

There we go. Yeah, a bunch of other symptoms as well, I would assume. Yeah, like happiness and sadness. Feelings! Yeah, of course the gin-soaked raisins were. We all had trash can punch in college. Yeah. Punch punch.

Do you have raisins in your punch punch? No, no, no. Not raisins. We had grapes and watermelon. This is called trash can punch. In Texas it's called trash can because they don't have coolers. They just have trash cans.

Same reason why in North Carolina, it's doghouse punch. Oh, doghouse. Hey, man. Doghouse. We've all had trash can steaks. Remember that? Hey, man, we all go fishing. You got your trash can?

You got your doghouse? Yeah. You can do a lot of You got your trash can? You got your dog house? Yeah. You can do a lot of stuff in a trash can, and that's what Texas teaches us. Thank you, Texas. Thank you, Texas. I just thought it was for garbage. I feel like Texas' slogan should be,

come out here and struggle. Holy shit, yeah. Oh, fuck, man. Oh, very nice. All right, anything else? Do trees make you mad? Come to Texas. We'll chop one down right in front of you.

No, no, no. In Texas, the trees have thorns on them. That's what makes them worse. They're cactus. No, no, no. Mesquite, the trees have thorns on them. That's what makes them worse. They're cactus. No, no, no. Mesquite trees. They have thorns on them. They're a couple inches long. They're covered in them. That's the only tree other than cactus is another thorn tree. Where I grew up, yeah, that's the only

tree you got. Wow. It's fucking awful. There's nothing else left in this story. Alright, well, let's move on to a segment from Holden McNeely. Holdenators, ho! Fuck you. Knees on your knees, please. Yeah, I let's move on to a segment from Holt McNeely. Holt McNeely. Ho, Jackie. Fuck you. Knees on your knees, please. Yeah, I would rather be on my knees. Alright, thank you very much, Jackie.

Ah, yeah. Sucking dick. I win the battle. Thank you, Jackie. I won somehow. Alright. So, Mark is a multi-billion owner of a skanky, titty flick you know, production movie place. owner of a skanky, titty flick production movie place.

Is that what they're called? Skinamax. He runs Marcus Nax. It's called Classy Lady Productions. Much better than anything Holden has to say. Very bumpy here. The skin of the

fellow that the Pope kissed. This room's weird. I don't like this room. It's the skin of the fellow that the Pope kissed. This room's weird. I don't like this room. It's throwing me off. Town place. It's the room! Town place? I don't know. Shoes. Alright, so we're all gonna pitch

a softcore pornographic film to his Classic Lady Productions. I will start. My film is called Game Lady Productions. I will start. My film is called Game of Bones. Where'd you come up with that name? It is a parody of the popular book and television series

Game of Thrones. It's already made? Okay, then it's called It's already made. Then it's called Bone of Thrones. Bone of Thrones. Marcus Google Bone of Thrones. Bone of Thrones. Is that made?

Marcus, can you tell me that? It's just a LARP inside. I don't think it is. It's called Bone of Thrones. No, it's not. The first hour of it is just all kingdom politics. There's wars. We's all, you know, we're talking about who's in charge.

Everyone's shifty. Everyone's doing an hour of just kingdom politics. As an aficionado of softcore porn, it happens like that sometimes. People fighting in the north, you know, you got a little bit of battling and stuff like that. And then the Khaleesi, oh, we meet her, right? And she's out there and she's like, oh,

I would like to be mother of dragons so she's she's got the eggs right Khaleesi's got the eggs and the dragons hatch and everyone's like yay the dragons but what's that on the dragon oh no it's a big fucking cock so there's this huge cock coming out of the dragon

you know what this doesn't count this is softcore this is really soft core. It's not your idea. They just allude to it. You don't ever see the dick. Yeah, because you can't see genitals at all in soft core porn. Is that the rule for soft core porn?

The most you can see is bush. Can we say it more? Slight bush. That's the absolute most. You have 30 seconds to explain it. And hold it. You stole this from me and the fantasies I've been living out loud of Cole Drago and

Daenerys. Thank you. Yes. You're using my sex life. That's what you do in softcore porn. You steal. So anyways, they're referring to the penis on the dragon. They're like, what does it do? And it goes around and it just fucks all the different characters of the... Sounds really hardcore. So it's dragon on woman,

big tits, sex. Definitely hardcore. It's not something... And it ends with everybody getting killed. All your favorite characters. All right. Well, disqualified. Why? That sounds good.

Because it's obvious hardcore pornography. No, there's no... You never see the... All right, whatever. You never see the penis. It doesn't matter. All right. Anyone else want to go?

It's your turn, Ben. Is it my turn? It's Bert Luger's turn I don't know why you have this thing against going in order We always go in the same order We go around the round table I'm always spicing it up I got a good one

Micah, give it a go It's Kevin's turn I'll go. So mine's called Pudgy Has a Halfie. It's all about a fat fella named Pudgy who has a bathrobe and he always shows his halfie. And then he walks around town, maybe to places like Piggly Wiggly, and he buys all of his groceries and all of his things. And the girls look at him and they get wet and they all fantasize about fucking Pudgy's halfie. And then they talk about him at Tupperware parties, but they never actually touch him.

And they just discuss how much they would love to have Pudgy's halfie inside their tight pussies. Because maybe their vaginas can't have a Foley like a lady that I know. I was wondering how you could work that in. Oh my God. I mean, it took an hour seven for you could have worked that in. I was waiting for this. I mean, it took an hour or seven for you to finally work that in. What poor woman were you, quote unquote, too big to enter? Well, let's just say an unwilling one. Got a little wet.

He waited this long to bring it up because he knows if she listened she already turned it off. No, it's not a real story. It's not a true story. Pudgy goes to Piggly Wiggly's with a happy. Alright. I like it. It sounds like there's no... I guess all the sex scenes are like dreams by Pudgy.

That's right, but the ladies. Pudgy don't care. I think that is a the fucking title of the episode right there. Pudgy don't care. Pudgy don't care. He doesn't. Pudgy doesn't care. Alright, Bird Luger, what do you got

for us? Alright, so mine is called Are You Afraid of the Dark? And it is based off of the hit Nickelodeon series from the 90s of the same name. Well, really not based off of other than the title. It is about a really racist white dude and whatever racist organization that he's in that gets magically transported to a land that's all black strippers. Atlanta. Yes.

And he's terrified at first. He's scared. And he has to ask himself the question, am I afraid of the dark? Because them booties are clapping. His dick gets hard. He's got those boners. And them chicks just need it.

They don't care about his beliefs. There it is. Can one man handle that much sassy? Mr. Dix goes to Atlanta. I really like that one. That's a good one. I would watch that in a heartbeat. Well, speaking of good ones, Micah, what do you got for us?

Mine's called Eat Your Vegetables. Okay. And it's just like a super hot woman and a real attractive, fit guy. Is it set in Westeros? Where? Game of Thrones. Oh, my fucking God. I don't give a shit about that.

You're going to make me hate this show. Sounds like a bad show. I'm not trying to watch that. There's too many horses in that damn thing. No, no, no. No such thing. No such There's too many horses in that damn thing. No, no, no. No such thing. You've got to play to Marcus, Micah. You've got to play to Marcus.

A child used to sleep inside of a dead horse. That was his sleeping bag. I apologize, Mr. Parks. It's okay. They're in the kitchen, right? They're naked, totally naked. They're talking about how much they want to fuck each other. They're in the kitchen, right? And they're naked, totally naked. And they're talking about how much they want to fuck each other. All right.

And they're really, really talking dirty, like really, really getting into it. And they're getting really, really close, but they never touch. Right. And then they reach down, and the guy pulls out a cucumber. And then the girl just goes to town all over the cucumber, right? Right. Just does all kinds of things with it, but never puts it in her mouth. Yeah, keep going.

Never insinuates that she inserts it anywhere. This is a family program. And then they both cum at the same time. See, that's romantic. So what, they look at a cucumber and cum together? A lot of softcore pornography. It's romantic. A lot of it's for women.

That is the gist of it. So two hot people look at a cucumber and cum. That's why they call it a cucumber. I like that a lot. That is soft they call it a cucumber. I like that one. That is soft core. That is super soft core. Okay, John, you actually... Yeah, yeah.

Oh, I should also say that you can see bush on the woman, and the guy has such a huge bush, too, that you can't see his penis. That's good. You're just barely getting that one in My turn was not done It wasn't technically done Alright, so mine

Marcus, I'm pitching you, right? Mine is called Bulk Discount Warehouse Maintenance Closet And it's about So there's a killer on the loose In this small town in Texas Oh nice

And the FBI They only have his footprint So they need a podiatrist Okay Somebody who knows feet Yeah To work at the local Bulk discount warehouse

And assess people's feet The only way he can do it Is sucking on them He's got a gift But But so what happens is that he develops an amazing romance

with one of the women whose feet he sucks. When he sucks on these feet, these women get weak for him and they go fuck in the maintenance closet. We never see it. We never see it. But what we do see is these women without their shoes wandering about Walmart afterwards and that's how we know that he's touched them.

So using his mouth alone, he solves this crime, and they find the killer. I mean, this just sounds like a good movie. Yeah. I'm going to go and say, I mean, it's not getting this. I'm going to put this over to one of my other studios. I like it. Yeah. No, there's a lot of fucking.

If you need a lot of fucking, I can get a lot of fucking in there. I don't know. Just a little more for my mystery studio. Okay, got it. There's a lot of fucking. If you need a lot of fucking, I can get a lot of fucking in there. I don't know. It's more for my mystery studio. Eddie? Jackie? Mine is called Monolith of Fuck. That's already... You've gone far out of the soft core.

No, no, no. The monolith shows up and it's in Caveman. 2001 know, 2001 Space Odyssey monolith. Is it set in Hyrule? No. It is set in nowhere and everywhere. Okay. And so the monolith shows up and the caveman is knocking the rocks against other rocks.

And he realizes that he can make a weapon out of it. And he goes over to a bison and he cuts the bison open and he takes a weapon out of it. And he goes over to a bison, and he cuts the bison open, and he takes the fur off of it. And this other cavewoman has been watching him the whole time. And he takes the fur, and he puts it over the cavewoman, because she's cold.

And she looks at him, and they have knowing eyes, and they go into the cave together. And he starts drawing out, in the blood of the bison his story of learning how to make tools to kill a bison and she watches him by the firelight

until finally as he's drawing he looks over at her and she looks at him and he goes and she goes and then he just goes over to her and he goes, and she goes, and then he just goes over to her and he takes her hair,

rapey, but not too rapey. Oh, yeah. And just kisses her really hard and then the fur kind of drapes around her back and you just see her from behind as he goes down between her legs and he realizes

that the monolith also taught him how to pleasure a cave woman as well. Interesting. All right. I didn't get hard once, man. Yeah, yeah, go ahead. Real quick. Three questions.

One, he just walks over to a buffalo and stabs it with a knife? Yes. All right. It's a softcore porn movie. You don't need to explain more. I'll suspend my disbelief. Two,

is she covered in blood? Yeah. Okay. Three, this is sort of like a desert scenario here. Yeah, yeah. So no cucumbers.

No cucumbers at all. None. They just come with pure, like, eye fuckery. I'm telling you guys, this is why you gotta get a woman to do this stuff. That was fantastic. Thank you. I'll be a frontrunner

there. Thank you. Eddie, potentially a sequel to Bone of Thrones? No, no, no. If you want, okay. What we're gonna do is we're gonna do a sci-fi, um, uh, titty softcore pornography. Yeah. Alright. And we're gonna call it, um, we're gonna call Zoo Boobies in Space. Okay. Alright. And so basically Zoo Boobies in call it Zoo Boobies in Space. Okay. All right.

And so basically, Zoo Boobies in Space. Zoo Boobies. Okay. Zoo Boobies in Space. All right. So what this is, I thought it was at first you said Zoo Boobies in Space, which would have been ridiculous. That's what I heard.

All right. She's got to stay with me right here, all right? I'm going to do it real easy for you. The government finds out that the world's going to blow up. Okay. Okay. I'm going to do it real easy for you. The government finds out that the world's going to blow up.

Okay? So all the Republicans take a mission out to Mars where we already got a whole different, you know, a whole thing set up over there. Everyone's living on it. There's a space station. They're easy plants. All the good stuff. All right? They're ready to go.

All right? So all the Republicans go out there. And then when they're out there, like, okay, now they send back another recruitment guy who's going to come bring them the women all right so they go and they tell them it's like they go and they do this model research thing it's like oh america's next top model you know uh czechoslovakia's next top model anyone who's got a space shuttle i don't think czechoslovakia has space shuttle but it doesn't matter you know so you get you get all these top models and you get them in there they think they won this thing it's like all right we're gonna go on a plane ride they put them in the plane turns out it's one of those Richard Branson planes that goes right into outer space. Yeah.

All right? The moment they get... Zoo boobies in space. Zoo boobies in space. They get to... They go, all right, listen, congratulations. We're going to do America's Top Model this year, but we're doing it in outer space. You girls are very lucky.

You're going to get paid millions and millions of dollars. And it's very cool. So they get up there, and they're all excited. The little girls are so excited. They've got the biggest titties in the world. As soon as they get off the space shuttle. But they're not perfect tits. They're just really big.

Yeah, they're big because you can't pay too much these days. I'm talking quantity over quality. I don't want two girls with nice tits showing their tits. I want 50 girls with medium tits. Way too big. Yeah, with gross tits showing their tits. I want 50 girls with medium tits. Way too big. Yeah, yeah, yeah, with gross tits showing them all over the place. That's the soft core I'm going for. Quality over quality.

It's zoo boobies. You need a lot of them. And so basically what happened is the Republicans came up with this idea where they're going to make a woman zoo that you can go and you can fuck the animals, but the animals are women. Dude, that's perfect. No, no, no. That's Planet of the Playmates.

You ever see Planet of the Playmates? No. They have a zoo filled with women in a bunch of cages, and they fuck the women. Oh, really? I'm pretty sure I've seen a caveman porn. No, no, no. Well, anyway, so these girls are out. Oh, wait.

Are you talking about Playmate of the Apes? Playmate of the Apes. Playmate of the Apes. Yeah. All right. What's the synopsis here? Make sure I'm not fucking up. I have seen this. It's sensual.

It's on Skinamax. You know what I haven't seen is this KKK guy fucking all these strippers. Whatever. This is Playmate of the Apes. We're on Mars. Okay? This is called Zoo Boobies in Space. For Christ's sake.

You mentioned that. Yeah. All right. So all these girls are locked up They got their tiny shirts And every once in an hour they come and hose them down Just so they're nice and moist And then they go in And they give them these drugs that sedate them

So they don't fight back And they go in and they rail on them And eventually one of the Zoo Boobie chicks Gets smart and realizes what's going on. She breaks out. She breaks out a bunch of other girls. They start killing all the Republicans. What turns out, one of the Zububi girls was actually an astronaut.

She drives the plane back and everyone lives. I like it. There's death. Death if you're South Core porn? Yes, of course. People are dying all over the place. Yes, South Core porn people die all the time. Of course. Have you never seen Dinosaur Island? over the place. Yes, of course. Poor people die all the time. Yeah, of course.

Have you never seen Dinosaur Island? I don't think you've seen Dinosaur Island. I watched Dinosaur Island last night. You had to see it. Yeah, like six people die in Dinosaur Island. This was the situation last night. He's talking about a holocaust of Republicans on Mars. Absolutely.

Watch Dinosaur Island. Zubu Bees in space. I would like to make one rebuttal. It stars Joey Travolta. That's good. I'd just like to make one rebuttal to all of these pitches. Bush so big, there's no cock to speak of. Bush so big.

That's disgusting. That's not a rebuttal. That's a real problem. I want to say town place again. I'm talking about foot-long kinky hairs. Oh, and to raise money to get the fuel

for the spaceship, they have a spaceship car wash. Zoo movies from space. Oh, my God. That's the round table of gentlemen. Obviously, you guys have not watched that many softcore porn movies That's the round table of gentlemen. Jackie Zebrowski, Ed Larson. I have not watched that many softcore porn movies because they're all like that.

Hold him in there, Kevin Barnett. No, Jeff is softcore porn. Thanks for being here, Micah Sherwood. Thanks for being here, John Pack. You haven't watched enough Bliss on the Oxygen Network. Zoo boobies in space. It's over, man. I'd like to make a nomination.

Just accept it. Holden McNeely for Round Tabler of the Year. Oh, what? Don't fuck yourself. Holden, you're so... All you fucks who listen to this show can go fuck yourself. Oh, wow. Okay, listen to the brighter side.

We gotta go. Please, with me and Amber Nelson and Sina John, who used to work with Holden and Ben on Brain in the Beak. I was on the latest. You're on the next episode. You're very good. Jackie Zabrowski. The brighter side.