The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 19: The Great Grave-Robbing Bears of Russia

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

On this episode of the Round Table of Gentlemen: GRAVE ROBBING RUSSIAN BEARS. I can’t think of anything better or anything that’s more fun to say. We’ve also got eye-witness accounts of The Rally To Restore Sanity as Ed, Holden, and myself were lucky enough to attend. Ed saw Nazi killers. Yeah! There’s also a very spoooky Chuckle Hut this week as we welcome back Chuckle Hut Member #1, Henry Zebrowski, and John Moreno from Murderfist. It doesn’t sound spooky. But it totally is.

That's what we call it, internet pants. Ready for the prayer roll? Yeah, we're going. Let's start this fucking prayer, please. Let the Lord in. Dear Lord God, I need some fucking pussy. Oh, yes.

This is the best prayer yet. It's true. Marcus, Ed, give them some pussy. Yeah. Thank you. Give Kevin a better ranking in StarCraft 2. I'm moving up, man. And the ability to fly.

Give Jackie better choice-making skills. That's the most realistic thing ever. Tits. Just wanted to say it. Is that the gift for me? I'm hard lord and lastly bless this podcast bust the shit out of it

amen alright amen so I guess my gift is the larger bosoms I'm checking welcome to the rounds shout out take it or leave it it was a monocle. Yeah, it was. It was a monocle amount of prayer.

Well, I mean, you know, you had a hard... You're handling some truths right now with what the prayer had with the Roundtable of Gentlemen. Who is on this motherfucking podcast? Jack's Rowski. Ed Larson. Kevin Barnett. Holden McNeely. 40 Bones.

I'm Ben Kittle in the Juggle Hut. What is it? 40Neely, 40 Bones! I'm McKinley in the Trouble Hut. 40 Bones? They're 40 Bones. Oh, 40 Fours. That's my new tagline. 40 Fours. It's like when I say it in a rap song and stuff. It's Tits.

Dolly Parton's number 44. Size 44 breasts. Oh, fantastic. They look like titties too. It's art, Ben. It's whatever you want it to be it's art Ben it's whatever you want it to be if you want to take 44 dead women

in the back of my car like 44 beers in my throat you know whatever you want yeah I'm mutilated man 44 scrotums

I like Dolly Parton for you to tack up on the wall and you know imagine how successful Dolly Parton could have been if she had big tits oh man

if she just had some big tits. Oh, man. What? What are you talking about? Henry Zebrowski's in the chug-a-lot. It's a spooky chug-a-lot. Spooky. It's kind of a scary one. I like your fake emotions. And John Moreno as well from Murder Fist.

Who is terrifying? He is. Not gonna laugh! Alright, Marcus Parks, our newsman. Marcus, what do you want? What do you want? What do you want from us? First things first, you guys went to the rally

to restore sanity. Spooky rally! It's spooky! It was a scary rally. How was it? Did you guys enjoy it? We didn't see anything. I saw Cat Stevens. And Ozzy. Went to Lincoln Memorial. Saw that.

Very nice. Saw the Vietnam Memorial. Saw a bunch of World War II vets at the Vietnam Memorial. They were just taunting him, being like, we won our war! We won ours! I saw a whole line of them and I was like, man, these guys murdered so

many fucking Nazis. I'm like, I love you. Salute you. Salute you, you Nazi-killing fucking animals. The Vietnam guys killed the people who would have had the microchip invented 30 years earlier. That's fantastic. So you guys took the Huffington Post bus.

It was a lot of fun. 10,000 people on 212 buses. Jesus, guys took the Huffington Post bus. It was a lot of fun. Yeah, 10,000 people on 212 buses. Jesus, how did the Huff Post get so much money? So you guys left at 5 in the morning from Shea? Yeah, I was wasted. We were all wasted. It was like 3.45 in the morning when we left my place and got there. I mean, it was all such a blur. I sobered up in my sleep on the bus.

Fantastic. So it was better to my sleep on the bus. Fantastic. So it was better to watch on TV? Yeah. It was good to be part of the madness part. I mean, Parks, you kind of watched it on TV, right? Yeah. We went to a bar in D.C. So you drove five hours

to the stinky-ass anus ride and then you got there and you immediately went to a bar and watched it on TV. No, not immediately. We had to realize that the rally was impossible to get part of. It was pretty fucking crazy how many people they got out there.

I was very impressed. I've never seen so many people before in my life. It actually kind of makes you feel good about comedy. The biggest rally in D.C. in a decade and a half or whatever all because of comedy. It's pretty crazy. It was 250,000 people.

That's it? Yeah, that's it. That was like over a million. No. Ah. No, 250,000. That would tell people a million. Very close.

It got 87,000. Glenn got 87,000. 87,000. And this was more than doubled it. It was big time. That's awesome. That is amazing. Jon Stewart got named most influential man in America.

No, he deserves it. In the world? In the world. Jesus Christ. He's amazing. How does that feel, man? God. What a badass dude.

I did love the only thing I saw on television. What was I drinking? You said yes. I said yes. Yes, I agree. She's very aggravated today, so you have to be on a loose pin with her. I didn't get to go to the rally. It sounded like a terrible time.

Well, it must have been fun to be together on a bus. Are you crying? Are you crying? You're obviously not Jewish. That's nothing to do with the rally. What is wrong with you, Jackie? The bus was easily the worst part. Yeah, why would you?

With these fucking assholes, we're stuck in here for 45 minutes and miserable. Yummy, yummy. Oh, jeez. Oh, God. Oh, no.

Oh, no. Someone has lost her mind. It's fine, though. Yeah, what's the major problem? What's the major problem? No, there's no problem.

All right, let's just get to it. We've got to get to the show here. Yeah, please. This is it. This is it. This is it. We'll go right out. This is the whole thing.

I think the rally's really interesting. I think the rally is the most interesting thing. Then Ozzy did Crazy Train, then Cat Stevens did Peace Train, and then OJ's did Love Train. That was pretty awesome. That was the only part of the show I actually kind of got to see. Were they all on stage together, though? At the end, everyone came out. At the end, everyone came out. I kind of was able to see a decent angle on the screen. Were they all on stage together though? At the end everyone came out. At the end everyone came out. I kind of was able

to see the stage during just that part. It was kind of cool. I got to see the stage and the screen and I could hear her really well. Oh man, yeah. It was pretty cool. Henry, did you go to the rally? Yes, I did. Ed and I were basically a team at that point and we were just too fat for the rally.

Trying to get around the rally was next to impossible. It was just like a collection of awesome people and the world's hugest douchebags. But it was, but literally, we went to the Lincoln Memorial and had like, like a tear came to my eye at the Lincoln Memorial.

I felt good about America. It was wonderful. You said it beat your sense of humor. It beat my sense of humor. Because it's like, you know, I went to my grandfather's funeral, and I was cracking crazy jokes left and right. I was like, here, here, get everybody going. I remember that, man.

It was like a hootenanny. Man, I was just keeping them rolling. That was my motto when I went to my grandfather's funeral. Do a quick eight minutes up top! But the Lincoln Memorial is awe-inspiring. Because he's fucking huge. Yeah, it's awesome. He made him the world's biggest president.

Who knew that a gigantic stone man, did you think he might come to life? And what would he have said to you? He would have been like, smoke that weed, Mr. Sabrowski it's like President Lincoln give me the dube I think everybody got a little tear in their eye

that was a beautiful moment America's beautiful you just have no idea what's going on why am I still alive he's like a lobster. He just keeps growing with age. I just paint him stone colored to make him sit there.

I had trouble finding pants before, but now I'm nine feet tall and made of stone! Big old stone dick. Stone pants are running for like thousands of dollars these days. The Lincoln Memorial sees so many different... I went there for the abortion rally when I was a kid.

Everyone has their rallies there. It's pretty amazing. I'm happy this rally got to occur, I guess. How many came to the abortion rally? Oh, millions. Really? I'm amazed how many people hate the murder of innocent babies. Astonished how that just rallies people together.

Really good. I did like Jon Stewart's final. I just watched it on Comedy Central where he did the analogy of the people going into the tunnel. Yeah. And they were all filtering in. And the whole point was like we compromise every day. The only people that don't compromise are the media and government. And in order for us to live, you know, it's always like you go, then I go and shit like that.

I thought that was pretty good. I thought that was great. It was finally a rational point, so hopefully it got nothing across. That was the whole point, though. It was just like a jamboree. Everyone had funny signs and were dressed like bunnies and shit. The whole point of it was to

not be... It was an anti-rally. It was so weird. I personally watched none of the rally. What I did was I was at this woman's house helping her put her shit in boxes. Because I keep it real. Was she a seductress? Is that keeping it real or just having a horrible job?

That's just real life for me right now. That's my circumstance. Did you have anything cool? Are you just packing up random... No, man. It was just books and shit. She tried to seduce you? No, man. It was really unexciting. It was just a regular date.

Kevin, if you did get seduced at a movie job, would you do her? Imagine she was... Let's say she's morbidly obese, but she has huge cans and she wants to have sex with you. I would do that shit. Yes.

But just for the novelty of it, man, because again, as I state, I have lost that part of myself a long time ago. One more! Alright, I'll lost that part of myself a long time ago. All right, I'll say this, all right? A couple days ago, this happened to me. There's this girl, right, who I had a crush on from years ago. Seek up?

Ugly chick? Fine. Gorgeous. It's not Bianca, is it? Not Bianca. Bianca on Facebook. Check her out. She took all her hot photos off as soon as I added her as a friend.

Yeah, took away all the breasts. I was actually going to check off to her on Facebook. My first jank off ever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Check her out, man. But all the breasts are gone. You guys should get into that, Ben. I'm getting into it with her.

Her tits are so much fatter than her body. It's like her head. It looks like it's just a very bizarre, like, why does that little child have such large tits? Yeah, you like tits that dwarf the head. I just want tits. Yeah, that's all I need and that's all she has And I for years Years, I want to give us girls somehow we were making out on Friday or whatever day was so my house It was great. Hey, no more. You're doing down her throat Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna man. And you know, for a moment. You chipped your tongue down her throat. Yeah, yeah, that was happening, man.

And I was like, for a moment, I was like, you know, I felt like, I hadn't felt like this since like 2006. Like, I felt like the human part of me was coming back. And I was like, this is nice. It must be, this is what being human is. The blood flowing to your cock is just breaking down cobwebs and shit. It's like, oh man, this place hasn't been used in a long ass time. It was something

I just didn't understand for a moment, but you know what? Fucking the seal is broken. The beast is back. Fuck that is what I said. I'm what I am. A lot of cum cummers.

How are you doing with the ladies lately? You got a lot of stuff coming up? No. Good, good. Nice. Just doing terribly.

Just keep making out but not being able to seal the deal with anyone. Nice. Just let it go, man. Just go terribly. Keep making out, but not being able to seal the deal with anyone. Nice. Just let it go, man. Let it go. I mean, I'd have blue balls if I could get hard anymore, so. Oh, all right.

That's fine. Yeah, you eliminated the problem. You always have yellow balls. I think I'm just going to marry whiskey. Oh, absolutely. That's probably the best. I have become the nine-tailed fox, man. Yeah, whiskey is kind of like that.

That's probably the best. I have become the nine-tailed fox, man. Yeah, whiskey is kind of like... Whiskey is kind of like a lady that you've been married to for like 30 years. It makes you feel terrible, and at the end, you just can't get a boner anyway. Yeah. It's comfortable, Ben.

Absolutely. You just go to sleep. You're great. Mark, is there any important news stories? The news to know. Today's news, before you can get it, you lose. That's not the slogan. No, no, ladies and gentlemen, what you heard was not our

slogan. We don't have one, but we're going to get a better one. We can't take a look, but let's take a listen. The news. That's our slogan. That's the best slogan ever. Yeah, yeah, fuckers, fuckers, die. Take a listen. Blood from the skull of your hell piece.

You just did a good job. Yeah, holding it and talk for a little bit. He just needed to get that out. Fine. I'm fine. My mom says I'm fine. My brother says I'm fine. I have to go rape if he hasn't raped in about eight years. Go back to that first gal.

I'll tell you that much. Bears in Russia are raiding graveyards. Never trust the Russians. Never trust them. Holy shit, are bears finally doing what I thought they'd do? Which is try to dress up in human skin and act like people

and take people back to their bear caves? I'm fine. I'm here for the first day of work. You some kind of bear with a human's head on it? No, no. That's a great idea. Let me see your ID. No bear.

Officer, you got some hair kind of coming out of your neck there. Whoa! Finally! They let you go neck there. Finally! Finally! Finally! God damn it. Change.

Change is now. I believe in it. I had hope. I'm faithful. There you go. Great thing is that the bears aren't raiding the graveyards

because there's like a shortage of food or anything. They're just fucking lazy. How is raiding a graveyard that seems like a very hard thing to do? How do they know if they're going to get way down there? Because they stand still.

They're going into tombs. They're taking their chains and shit? Is that what's happening? Shaking chains. They're going into tombs and they're eating the people inside of them? It says they're treating the graveyards as big refrigerators. One bear learned how to

open a coffin and then he taught the one bear learned how to open a coffin and then he taught the rest of them how to do it. Oh! Yeah! Holy Christ! Are the bears taking over the earth? What's going on?

As soon as the bears start learning to drive cars, that's when it's a problem. Because we can't start giving licenses to bears. It's scary now. You're going to have to drive cars. That's when it's a problem because we can't start giving licenses to bears. It's scary now. I mean, I can't... You're going to have to, though. I'm going to run out of... It's going to get out of our hands.

It has to get out of our hands at some point. They're just going to get smarter and smarter. Imagine a bear with a gun. Shooting everywhere. That's like a power level of at least 45.

Yeah, but the gun would be so small in comparison to the bear. Bears are bigger than humans, right? Sure. Yeah, but some fucking maniac out there, there's some madman that's building guns for bears. These are Kodiak bears. These are huge Russian bears.

I just hope bears don't start rapping because they're going to come out with some real shit. Well, it might not be that bad. They're not white, so that's good. No, they're like, nigga, you think you're struggling? I eat fish straight out the water. Yeah, exactly. I want to hear in 30 years, Mexicans are just going to be

the bears stole our jobs! The bears stole our jobs! God damn right. You see how strong he is, you little fucker? Of course. And we don't have to pay them in anything other than bananas and my firstborn. In other Russian news, Vladimir Putin, who is a favorite subject here on the roundtable. Absolutely.

He has a black eye, and nobody knows where it came from. For drinking and hanging out in Russia. Probably fighting bears over the fucking bodies in the tomb. So he just won't say? No, his media people are saying that it's just bad lighting.

Oh, man. Ed, look at the picture. Tell me. Oh, no. Someone punched him in the face. Yeah. He probably said some dumb shit when he was drunk. He just fell down the stairs. I don't understand. Why wouldn't he have put makeup on that, though?

That's so easy. He's a man. He's a fucking chit. You look at the picture and it's obvious that he has put on makeup. It's covered in makeup, but it's really big. He's got a big old fat black eye.

Man, I remember one time back in seventh grade, my teacher, who's a closeted gay teacher, it was really funny to watch and listen to him in geometry. And he was missed school for three days, and no one knew why. And he came back, and he had half an ear. Was the teacher Mick Foley? What sex acts involved? Yeah, and he refused to an ear. Was the teacher Mick Foley? What sex act?

Yeah, and then like he refused to talk about it. That guy is so deep in the closet he had a second home in Narnia. That's crazy, man. What sex act? Yeah, yeah. What happened?

He was probably at some horrible S&M bar. Rip my ear, rip my ear. No, rip it off and eat it. Don't really do it. I'm still coming, I'm coming. That poor bastard. That is not the sex to have. Well, Ben, you're a well-known drunkard among the people that we know.

And you get really drunk and say some stupid shit sometimes. What's the dumbest shit you've ever said whenever you were drunk? He doesn't know. He'll never know. I have no idea. Calling a female cop a cunt, that's one of them. Don't do any favors. Yeah, they don't like it.

What was the context for that, by the way? Get off me, you're a cunt! Was she on your back? No, I was the only one, 21, at the party. So I was like, Kitson, go deal with the cops, because they showed up. And they were like, oh, you're funny, you're personable. And they didn't realize that I'm actually socially inept. Kitson will chop the pants off that cop.

Don't you worry about it. She's going to love it. It's cunt comments And it's wily dick I've been able to do and say shit That I should have fucking been in so much trouble for And gotten away One time I was

Back when I was a man And I cared about such things And it was a bartender with this amazing She had like the most amazing breasts And she was out there bartending and shit And I was like hey I'll tell you something She was like what And I motorboated her And fucking I just told her it was a joke And she was out there bartending and shit. And I was like, hey, I'll tell you something. She was like, what? And I motorboated her. And fucking, I just told her it was

a joke. And she got fucking mad. I was like, oh, it was a joke. And I didn't get kicked out. I was straight. Wow. Oh my god, you would have gotten the fucking shit kicked out of you if you did that in my bar. That's what I thought was going to happen. As soon as I did it, I was like, what the fuck?

Down the stairs and lock the door. Like a team of Mexicans in Goldwyn after you. My face was in her breasts and I'll always live with that moment. Oh man, check this out. I want to tell this story. I got this huge avatar fucking bouncer at my work. He's 6'9", 340. He's so big.

Oh my God, he's so big. And he's blue too, right? He really looks like an avatar. Yeah. And he comes up to me today, and he's just like, hey, man, can I get a side of bacon? And I was like, sure, yeah, no problem, man. What do you want, like 20 pieces? Like being a jerk? Just like being funny?

He's like, no, 40. But don't cook it. I was like, God damn it! This is the bar that Eddie works at as the head chef they hire the most fucking beefcake bouncers i've never met so many people eye to eye walking into an establishment then there's big al you can climb them like a tree house i love big people you just but it's like unnatural you know it's just what you? What is happening to you? Unnatural? It's completely natural.

It's like too natural. It's like meta-natural. It's like, what? What happened to you? Jackie's on one hour of sleep and we're hammered for like 20 hours. She's very emotional.

She's very going into some places. We don't know what this stuff is. It's like she's dreaming while she's awake right now. Zach, you are becoming a woman. Yeah. Finally, man. I'm going to bleed and everything. Yeah, this is your bat mitzvah right now.

Speaking of the supernatural. Yeah. I know. Spooky. Spooky. Spooky Halloween. Spooky Halloween. Happy! I know. You were. Spooky. Spooky. Spooky Halloween. Spooky Halloween. Happy Halloween, kids.

It is Halloween, by the way. Oh, happy Halloween. Happy Halloween, everybody. Trick or treat. Meh. Got a time traveler. Oh, yeah, yeah. The time traveler.

I do like this time traveler, man. Talking on the phone, 1928, Charlie Chaplin film, right? Yep, Charlie Chaplin movie called The Circus. You can see this old woman in the background of a shot, and she's holding a phone up. To her credit, she might be like 25, 26. Women in the 1920s didn't age too well. They really didn't.

They used Guatemalan boys. She's holding a device up to her head and just speaking furiously. She's obviously having a conversation. She notices that there's a camera and turns her head and smiles. How about this? How about she's just covering her mouth because she knows it's a silent film

and she's yelling to someone on the other side of the stage. No, you can see her hands curled around something. You can see her fingers curled around the device. It's like you're hollering. But who is she talking to? She's got a grip.

I don't know. If she's on the phone, who is she talking to? The other time traveler. I want to find out what her service is. How did they get any service? There's no satellites, though. It could also be a walkie-talkie. Sprint is really

expanding their market. They're going back in time. It can't be a walkie-talkie because someone on set would notice and they'd fucking flip out. So it's not a walkie-talkie. It was probably just a crazy woman talking to a chicken wing or something. But I like to believe that she was talking to her buddy and

she was just like, Becky, you'll never believe where I am. 1928! Charlie Chaplin films! I see him. He's smaller in real life. I think he's gay. How did he not notice though, like, before that now?

It's in the background. It's literally a fellow whose father made far too much money and the dude never had to work a day in his life. So he's just like, oh, I saw that. And then he just watched it for hours and hours. Days and days, weeks and weeks, months and months. Like, this guy

really studied this hardcore. He did a full on hourlong seminar. Who went to that? I don't know. It's just a clip. Yeah, for a full hour, though? Full hour. Henry.

Watch the clip. If you could time travel anywhere, anytime, where would you go? I would seriously go to, I would fucking 1960s back in the day. Trying to beat up some black people. Without retribution by the law, man. Finally, get the hood, get the whole thing. Back in the heyday of the KKK.

Just boys being boys. Old Birmingham. It would be an interesting study to see if it was time travel. If you could time travel anywhere between black dudes and white dudes, I bet you the black dudes were in the future, and all the black guys were like, 1940s! I want to go back to the 40s! I hear the times are fantastic!

And everybody else is like, 2040? Maybe? Can we do that? Holden, where would you go? Medieval times. Why? No, you'd be murdered so fucking fast. Or he'd... No, I'd go there so fucking fast. That's the point.

No, I'd go there, and there would be succulent slave mistresses, and they would be forced to give me... Because I'm guessing they would... Like, they'd see my pasty, like, refined skin. Yeah, you'd look like everybody else. They'd be like, oh, he must be a prince. He must be a prince. He's kept himself up well.

We'll make him a prince whatever you know so then I've just got like these like slave bitches and they you know it's just like oh lick my toe

cause it's toe licking Tuesdays cause you made it that way you know and shit like that phonetically that works exactly and shit like that and they just

succumb to my whim yeah clarify again that you said medieval times so people just don't take your racist fuck. Medieval times, they weren't black slaves. They were just slaves. Yeah, they were white slaves.

I'm talking about slave women here. Of any race and creed. This is even... Equal slavery, yeah. Equality and slavery. Black people were slaves in Africa then to other black people as opposed to being slaves to white people in Western European, which I bet you

is actually a better slave to be. No, I'm just kidding. Who is that serious? If you were a slave... No, no. If you were the opposite. Okay, so now you're a slave to poor black people in Africa. Or you could be a slave to rich white people in Western Europe.

I don't think you're making a very good argument. It's a step up! It's a step up! Torn from your home and sailed across the world! No, I'm talking about third generations. I'm talking like the third generation doesn't know its grandfather's struggle. It's better.

I'm saying it's better. Whatever. It's better. Once again, we have Ben running for state senator. Here is a three-hour sound clip of not even half the shit he said every time. I am not wrong about that. Listen, Ben, you just ruined your entire life. As a white man, you have my vote, Ben.

Ben, I probably have half of Mexicans and most of Puerto Ricans. They are racist. Oh, Jesus. There is no group of people more racist than Puerto Ricans. Yeah, I... Are you serious?

Are you serious? No, it was so funny. I go to a... I have all Mexicans that work under me. And I'm like, I, it was so funny. I go to Iowa because I have all Mexicans that work under me. And I'm like, I need a new porter. I need a new porter. Can you get me one? He's like, sure, sure, sure. He's like, he's Dominican. Is that okay?

I don't know the difference. It's fine. He was like real worried that I wouldn't hire him because he's Dominican. Puerto Ricans and Dominicans hate each other. I mean, Dominicans, you know, they're so close to Haiti. They're all dinosaurs down there. That's how you measure what you like and what you don't like.

The proximity to Haiti. If it has anything to do with Haiti, don't like it. Voodoo, no good? That's awful shit, man. But Dominicans are far above and beyond the Haitians, but they're just so close, you can smell the Haiti on them. Oh, my God.

Well, that's the most racist thing yet. Smell the Haiti. Smell the Haiti. I love it. Oh, Christ. Smoke nugs. Smoke nugs. What do you got? What's a great segue for you can smell the Haiti on?

Yeah. It's one of my favorite ones of all time hatey on Speaking of smelling things I got hate So that's something You know what It could also be love I'll let you decide A man in Nebraska Suspected his girlfriend of cheating on him

So he waterboarded her I've heard about this. I've heard about this. That's a man that kept it real. What did she do? Did he get anything out of her? Wouldn't it be amazing if she was like, Altair is down the street. There's a bomb four blocks away.

It's about to go to the postal service on Thursday. He's like, wow, I had no idea. I hate your mother. National Security. I hate your mother. What if you do if you're wrong? She's got nothing to confess. She's going to confess anyways, though, because she's being waterborne. What does he think?

What is he going to do? Just take off her clothes? Make her say terrible things? Well, Jackie, He's gonna get what is he gonna just like hand over her face. You really gave up halfway through that. I meant it more out of embarrassment torture than sex torture. Jackie, let me ask

if you would enjoy this. The girlfriend walked into the house. The guy tackled her, tied her up, stuffed socks in her mouth, and poured water over a shirt on her face. Oh, it was their anniversary. It's two years.

The water anniversary. This is the best one, honey. If she was a seal, she would have loved it. Yeah. That's what we are. Waterboard and seal. Waterboard and seal is just fun. But you can waterboard seal. I know a divorce lawyer

who that's always his argument every time he goes to court. What happened to your face? What happened to your face? Sure he waterboarded her, but imagine if she was a seal. Jesus. You guys gotta hear about this. I'm on my third Red Bull vodka, by the way.

Jesus Christ. I'm going nuts. Headline. 290-pound transvestite hooker pummels attacker. Yep. Yes. Kid with 5'7". Wow.

Why would that dumb little shit... She beat the fucking shit out of him. And he was 16. Why would he yell at her? So she'd get in trouble? Oh, yeah. Well, that's a mugshot right there. You know what? The mugshot, she looks like a

woman. Unless you told me. She looks like a gold fork as a woman. All-fancy diamond lady. Yeah, she has a really thick neck. That's like our Aunt Carol. That's what she did. She beat the kid with her neck. That's good.

She necked it. Good necking. I just love that this guy's homophobia or transphobia was so large that he thought he could beat up someone who was triple his weight. See, that's the thing. The guy who attacked him,

his name was Rufus Bowman. Of course. Never met a good Rufus. Only dogs. Occasionally they're mean. The transvestite's name? Joshua Bumpus. Never. Only dogs. Dogs named Rufus. And occasionally they're mean. The transvestite's name? Joshua Bumpus. Yeah!

Bumpus to the side! Bumpus. Stop being such a Bumpus. Rufus shot Bumpus. Rufus shot Bumpus who then, quote, grabbed Bowman by the hair

and beat him down he beat the daylights out of him I love that he grabbed his hair first what a tranny move it's a

he stayed true to beat a woman up until the fight he shot him first before he got shot him first everybody knows you can't just

shoot a tranny one time they have two lives. Absolutely. I love the mugshot, too. It looks fine. It just looks like nothing happened to him. You couldn't tell at all that this person's been shot recently.

Not at all. She didn't feel it at all, man. The thing is, her fucking tranny friends joined in. I would have loved to see that. Is that't penetrate all the way through. Her fucking tranny friends joined in. I would have loved to see that. I mean, is that a hate crime the other way? Rufus completely deserved everything.

Of course. Did Rufus get arrested? Oh yeah, he shot a person. You shoot a tranny, you shoot anybody, but especially a gaggle of trannies. That's an aggressive breed.

And the great thing is the tranny didn't get charged with the thing. The guy who shot him, felonious assault. Three years in prison. That's what you get, Rufus! Go fucking shoot trannies, bro!

Rufus, you need to read more so you know shit like that. Trannies never die. Really, no. What do you think about that tranny story, John? You look deep in thought over there. You got a tranny story? I'm sure John's got one.

So as a man who's half gay, would you do a tranny or, you know, yeah, I think that you could do it. So a tranny comes up to you, large cans. Imagine they're the size of mine or slightly smaller Jackie's or something like that.

I'm more of like a Thai ladyboy. I like them tiny-breasted. Ah, yeah, yeah. Do you like small-breasted women? Are you the reason they exist still? I feel like my... I feel you. Every time I see a small-breasted woman,

I say, why do you... I still dream of... I like little titties. That's because your fingers are the size of small Smurfs. They're all Smurfs. Yeah, the smallest of Smurfs. Yeah, I dreamed

small-breasted women into existence so I could kind of still feel like a man. It's just like nipples protecting their chest quite. It's just disgusting I hate small breasted I like them as people My mother didn't breastfeed me so I don't

I hate breasts Just get me away from that innie nipple I've had a couple of babies Oh god I had an innie nipple once I had two ladies She was so hot and I got her home And I get her shirt off, and all of a sudden, any nipple, instant down.

It's so weird. It's so creepy. It's like a wound or something. I've never had that happen to me. I've never seen one. I've never. Why do you know that they existed? Two.

So when they get around. After the first one, I was like, well, that was such a weird anomaly. I'll never have to deal with another any nipple again. Fucking bam. I mean, I was just like, why? Why? I don't even understand how it's different.

It's inside of their body. It's weird. It's not like that. It just feels like a fucking wound or something. It doesn't, you know, it's like,

you touched it? I suckled on it. Suckled on it. No, man. Suckled on it. When it gets aroused, is it like burrowed deeper? Yeah,

it just goes, you can kind of, sometimes you can suck it out though. No, no.. It's like goose pimples. Sometimes you can suck it out, though. Stop here. I'm dead serious. Stop it now. Get it out, but it's still weird. It pops right back out.

It looks like he's dead serious. I feel bad for the ladies because I know guys have this all the time. The hair on the nipple. I enjoy the nip getting a little attention. Why do we keep getting these freako. But hair on the nipple. Jackie's like, crap.

His talk makes my nipples uncomfortable. I'm pretty sure every dude in here is staring at them right now. Fuck you, John. Just shut the fuck up. I'm going to hand around that one. Let's not Talking about Jackie's disgusting nipples

Hold your mouth I like that better Oh stinky nipple Jackie Stinky nipples That's right they're gross Nipples smell like snails Oh Jesus Holden McNeely

The man with the segment What's the segment this week Holden McNeely, the man with the segment. What's the segment this week, Holden? The segment is Halloween. We're all going to be different people on the cast for the rest of the cast. Ben is going to be Jackie. Kevin, you're going to be me. I want to sleep!

I'm going to be Ben. I want to sleep! I'm immediately regretting this segment. I'm going to be Ben. I'm going to be Ben. That's how you sound, right? I'm immediately regretting this segment. I'm going to be Ben. I'll change it. Ed's going to be Kevin. All right, Ed? Oh, sure.

Jackie's going to be Ed. And then John and Henry, you guys are going to be each other. Henry, John, and Johnny. What about Marcus? No, you've got to be John. I'm still newsman. Marcus is just going to be the newsman. All right?

Does everybody know who they're supposed to be? Oh, God, yeah. I mean, it's fine. It's fine. Ow! I'm so happy with this segment. I will say it's almost impossible. It's an almost impossible thing for us to do.

We just make fun of each other, like we always do. Damn. But, like, I... Oh, Jackie. Arf, arf of each other. Like we always do. Damn. Damn. Oh, Jackie. Arf, arf, arf. I love the dolphins. I feel like I'm so... I just don't feel good. I'm like so

fucking gross. I'm like a big gross... I just hate myself. That's the only place I could go to. Oh my... Oh gosh. Alright, Kevin, let's hear it. I'm a bitch. Girls's the only place I could go to. Oh, gosh. I'm a bitch. Girls don't like me.

Why? That's my impression of you. Oh, I never do the dishes. Oh, I'm good. This is getting personal. Dishes? Dishes? Oh, I'm so tall. Oh, my God. I never do theishes? Oh, I'm so tall.

Marcus, can we make this segment be over? Actually, no, no, hold on. Yeah, I want to hear John do Henry. No, I'm Henry, and I just sit around in my underpants and smoke weed and watch awesome movies every day, and my fucking life is off. It's great.

It's awesome. Hey, no, no, no, wait, wait. I'm the only one with a steady girlfriend who I love. Wait a shit, God. This is so good. This is great for me. I have a beard, and people like me. Yeah.

That's wonderful. Hi, I'm John. People think I'm a girl from the back, so the dudes push me down the and people like me. Yeah. That's wonderful. Hi, I'm John. People think I'm a girl from the back, so the dudes push me down the street and fuck me. Hi, I'm John. I make coffee all day. No, they're fucking, I'm a fuck. I'm a fuck.

I'm a fuck. Shut up, Megan. Shut up, Megan. Be a beard. Yeah. Yeah. This is the best. Oh, I never do the dishes.

Shut up. Oh, I never did the dishes. I'm so tall. I never did the dishes. Where are we? Fuck's sake. Are we done? We're done. The whole thing is over. Jack, Henry, Ed, Kevin, Marcus, thank you, John and Henry

and whoever the fuck else. Oh, no. Oh, no. Marcus, thank you, John and Henry and whoever the fuck else. I'm so tired. I'm so tired. I live there. And I do the dishes, by the way. I do the fucking dishes. And I don't eat Kep's food. I'm so tall.

And I eat all Kep's food. I love this. That's good. I love this. That's good. I love it. We're getting out of here. Yeah, we're done. I already ended it. I didn't know if you did. You got your fucking shitty relationship

with some little high school girl. You hang up first. Now I'm waiting for you. Hello? He hung up! He hung up on that motherfucker! He hung up! You hang up first. No, I'm not. I'm waiting for you. Hello? Did we hang up? He hung up! He hung up on that motherfucker! He hung up!

He doesn't love me. They fucking rip his head off. Goodbye, ladies and gentlemen. There's no gentleman here.