The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 191: Weird and Deliberate

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

This week on Round Table: a mystery pooper is terrorizing a town in Michigan, police are searching for the notorious "granny spinner" in Romania, and a man sets fire to an apartment building after trying to burn the fur of a squirrel. Joining us today: Chris Waelti and Andrew Short!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay out, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Yikes. I'm gonna make your butt cum. What color is butt cum? Oh, green. Holden, would you...

Nickelodeon gack. Holden, pray. Everyone, please close your eyes for a guided meditation. Holdenator's hell. You are a horse. A large, You are a horse. A large, muscular, masculine horse. You feel the grass beneath your hooves.

You enjoy some oats and some barley from a bucket. Also, you're in love with Farmer's Cat. Farmer's Cat's named Tittles. Farmer doesn't believe in Horse cat love But you sneak into that house late at night Anyways through the horse door The larger door next to Farmer's door And you kiss the cat

And you lick the cat's pussy And you do all these Beautiful things with your little kitty lover Until Farmer wakes up Early one day To get his fucking throat cleaned out with his fucking throat sponge and he sees you with the cat

and he grabs his gun and he grabs the gun and he shoots you in your fucking horse head and your fucking horse brains cover the cat and the cat has a nervous breakdown and hangs itself. Alright. Welcome to the round table of gentlemen, everybody.

Great prayer, Holden. Thank you for that. Alright, let's go through the roll call as we always do. Jackie Zabrowski, I just want to see the horse shaped door next to the farm door. Why would he build the door? We don't want horses in this fucking house. He's going to come in.

I didn't understand about the story either, Jackie. door. Why would he build the door? We don't want horses in this fucking house. He's gonna come in and smoke a door. I didn't understand about this story either, Jackie. Ed Larson, man. That was great, Holden. Thank you. You finally did a good job. I know, finally. Holdenators ho! So, alright. That's my intro, so I'm ruining

the good work that I did. On to you, Kevin. Bird Luger back in the building. What's up, Versace? Woo! God, man, it is warmer when Bird Luger's around. It is better when Bird Luger is here. I bring that heat, I bring that juice, I bring them seeds, man.

Oh, my. Andrew Short, thanks for being with us, buddy. Happy to be here. Thanks, man. And we got Chris Welty here as well Hey what's up guys Andrew Short You just got retweeted by Weezer

Weezer Weezer Weezer And you're in this band Undone Sweaters I am That's fun Yeah

And it's a parody of Weezer Yeah The Undone Sweaters And they retweeted Your video Yeah we created a web series About three guys In a Weezer cover band

The Undone Sweaters Dot tumblr dot com Cause we're cheap Okay But check it out Weezer ret band, theundonesweaters.tumblr.com because we're cheap. Okay. But check it out. Weezer retweeted us. We thought we would get arrested, but... By Weezer? Yeah, well... You can beat him up. This thing goes all the way to the top.

Guess I'll... Yeah, that's true. Kevin, how are you? How's the show been going? Oh, it's good, man. I'm sorry, I saw on Facebook your Mario Kart idea got shot down. It didn't really necessarily get shot down. It was basically I wanted to end the sketch with a Mario Kart thing and they

told me no. Man motherfuckers want to do Angry Birds. I thought this was your show. Angry Birds? Angry Birds of a Mario Kart? I don't know if this whole thing is going down the tubes. Yeah. It really is. If it does go down the tubes, this is the reason why. I'm trying to fucking save the show. Luger knows best.

That's your next show. Luger knows best. That's your next show. Luger knows best. All right. Of course, I'm Ben Kissel. And we got the newsman, Marcus Parks. Marcus, what's the story? You forgot about Chris Welty. You said hi to him?

You forgot about Chris Welty. The world forgot about Chris Welty. It's just so nondescript. Well, I mean, I got a guy who got retuned to my Weezer and a guy who was a show on TruTV for 10 seasons. Chris, what are you up to? Let's ask the guy in the Mets cap. How was the drinking, Ben?

Wealthy? Shitting liquid. There you go. Well, I may have missed it because I have one burning question on my mind. All right. Who has been defecating on children's slides in Ypsilanti's Prospect Park for the past five to six months?

Oh, my word. Well, not in Ypsilanti. That is my neighborhood. Ypsilanti police and city officials are hunting for the person officials have described as the mystery pooper as warmer weather approaches. You should have at least called them the mystery crapper, right? I feel like crapper is better.

Oh, it's better, but this is more PC. Oh, okay. You think crap is more PC? I think poop is more PC than crap. Is crap more CP?

Yeah, the crap slider. The crap slider. Yeah, that would work. I feel like poop and crap. Yeah, the poop shoot. Yeah, the poop shoot. What about the crap?

The poop shooter is the best. Poop shooter. I call mine the crap tube. Who's paying these fucking idiots to write these stories? Yeah. Crap is technically more offensive than poop, huh?

I think crap is more offensive than poop, yeah. It's a little weird, but they mean the same thing. I don't even like crap as a word. It just sounds kind of corny to me, man. Yeah. My father was a newsman, and we always called him slide poopers. Officials have discovered feces on the slide so frequently that police

installed a hidden camera to try to capture an image of the act. Council member Pete Murdoch described the act as quote, weird and deliberate. Weird and deliberate. That is spot on. That's the only way to take a shit. Weird and deliberate.

If every girl I had sex with could sum it up in two words. Weird and deliberate. That's not good. So what's happening? So these kids are going on poop slides, huh? Yep. In January, Ypsilanti Police Chief Tony Deguistis, in a communication out to YPD officers about the incidents, the email stated, we have a problem in Prospect Park with a miscreant

that does not understand the difference between a children's playground slide and a toilet. I think he gets it. He understands the difference. That's why. So many variables. Meanwhile, somewhere there's a kid trying to slide down a toilet. You know, I don't understand how things work. Deguiste sounds like what you call shitting on a slide.

Oh, exactly. I just deguiste the shit out of that slide. What if that's his campaign to run for governor? I caught the slide shitter. Yeah. You're going to be sliding down shit under my campaign or my fucking rule the email continues apparently this extremely misguided individual feels the need to defecate on the slide despite the cold weather this has been an ongoing

this is not this is a kid these are kids yeah this is a funny joke our children have enough shit in their asses. Yeah, they don't need more on the slide. That's for sure. I mean, I shit in the sandbox, but that's like a fucking litter box for adults. You're supposed to do that. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just hope it's just like a bitter-ass dude, because you can't go to the playground without a kid, so it's like, you're going to take these fucking slides from me? No one's going to take these fucking slides. No one will slide today. Did he shit as he slid?

I mean, they don't know. They haven't caught him. He's still the mystery pooper. I bet it's just a pile of dew at the bottom. You think so? Yeah. That would be sad. So has he stopped shitting since they installed the cameras?

Actually, I do not know, but it says in the email, this has been an ongoing problem at this location. Please make frequent checks in the area and record them on your daily log. You fucking idiots! You fucking tuk-tuks! That's funny stuff. That was all part of his plan, man.

He fucking wrote that shit himself. To squeeze to you, motherfucker! Laying right into my hands. This guy's a cop. This guy works for the papers. He thought of this joke and then started shitting on the slides himself.

Just like put him up in this, that look. That's great. I wish that he would piss on the handlebars of the, what were the monkey bars? That'd be fun. Anytime a kid can have,

you know, just shit rubbed all over them on accident, it's a good life lesson. Yeah, they got to learn sometimes. You put some WD-40 on one monkey bar, that's kind of a funny joke. Yeah, that is a funny joke. They break an ankle or an arm. I like when you go to the roller coaster park and you go up, you unscrew a bunch of the screws.

When you do that, everybody falls off and dies. They all die, though, yeah. Oh, man. What an ass day that was. Yeah. But Ed's idea, like, the kid just got hurt, but then your idea, like, everyone died. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, it's, like, funny, though, when you see them all, their fucking heads get crushed

and their wheels and shit. And you think that's a funny thing? I mean, you haven't obviously seen it. You wouldn't even be able to control your fucking laughter right now. I get the joke, man. That's the ultimate non sequitur. That's very true. Any leads on the mystery pooper?

How are they going to find him? That's very true. Any leads on the mystery pooper? How are they going to find him? Well, D'Quisti, first of all, total media blackout, did not return calls from the Ann Arbor News, and city manager Ralph Lang also declined to comment. Okay, so no one's talking about it. No mercy.

That makes it sound like it's some senator's son. It does. Listen, he's a little weird. But very deliberate. Council member Pete Murdoch said the friends of the Prospect Park may stake out the park as temperatures warm and the nights grow shorter. Oh, okay. So he's going to have less time to poop.

Yeah, he said he has encouraged staff and residents to contact him every time defecation is discovered so he can determine if there's a pattern in regards to the schedule. With what he's eating and things. I think we should all start going shit on slides and just do copycat fucking. Oh, yeah. Just like fucking chaos.

Go to the press first. Yeah. I mean, do you think this detective, he must be taking pictures of each individual poop and then looking at it He's not a detective. This is a city councilman. This is a councilman thing. Yes, this is a city councilman who's taking all this on his shoulder.

I never liked this season of The Wire. I don't remember that. No, there's no police involved in this whatsoever. This is all within the Department of Public Works. I don't know how they got the emails freedom of information act i suppose interesting no police at all someone's gonna be investigating this thing which i'm telling you it's a cop we should send them like an email like i'm the slide shitter and then a bunch of like weird code oh they're like great

out yeah like some zodiac shit and if you figure out the code it just says like I jerk off four times a day or something like that. If you decipher it, just something weird. Oh, I take that back. Deguisti is the chief of police in Ypsilanti, Michigan. That's what I was thinking. A bunch of words that are hard to say. Oh, this is in Michigan? I thought you said Prospect Park. Prospect Park in Michigan. I mean, there's more than one.

Okay, that makes sense. I was ready to go catch this guy. There's other First Avenues as well. There's other Broadway's. There's another... Union Squares, because union means where you unite with human beings. This is such an educational program.

This is the most schooling Maltese had in his entire life. That's true. I hope they catch the guy, but what if it's a girl? That would be hot stuff. Yeah, that'd be sexy. I don't know. I mean, you do assume this is a man, right?

But what does it say about us? It's a dude. Or a dog. Well, it's in Michigan. That's the thing, Kevin. What does it say about society that we thought this was a man? Because, you know, you think that girls would never think to do something like that, man. But I saw a video one time.

There was this chick. She was kind of hot, man. You know, she's fucking just walking around like clearly just needs to get fucking slammed. And she's walking around the grocery store. And she goes to an aisle and she looks around like no one's around. And I know it around the grocery store and she goes to an aisle and she looks around like no one's around and I know it just drops down and fucking shits and she's walking.

But the speed at which she did it, that was the craziest part. In the freezer aisle, no less. It's cold. I didn't know girls had control of their things like that, man. No. That's why none of them can be president. Exactly, man. We. That's why none of them can be president.

Exactly, man. Councilman Murdoch is with you because he says we need to get him or her and get them the help they need. He must have read the Jezebel article. The help they need. They need a toilet. That's a self-defense.

They live outdoors because they're homeless. They shit on the slide so they can sit down while they shit. Yeah. And it doesn't say how many times they've done. They said this has just been ongoing over the last five to six months. How many times do you shit in a day? Twice. It happened, whatever, like 180 times.

Something like that. Welty, what were you going to say? Better be good. No, if it was just like a dog. Like it was just an animal. Like the whole time. Yeah, it could be like a giant frog or like, you know, something like that. Hopping up on the slide, fucking throwing down a fucking big D.

Yeah. It could have been a frog. It could have been. It could be been a frog. It could have been. Yeah. It could be lots of things. I don't need to fucking go through the fucking index of animals for you people.

It could be a fucking hog, a big pig, or a big, you know, dude, caterpillar's shit. They do.

Every living organism. But like a big one. One as big as like, one as like, big as like your arm or something. Like a caterpillar get up there and fucking just kind of get up people get at home i'm using my arm to show them how a

caterpillar would move right and it would take a dump yeah big enough to take a dump yeah absolutely yeah or like a a bat like a huge bat so you think that yeah so you think a caterpillar shat in the slide a big one a huge one and one. And then, how are we going to kill that thing? Because it's huge. I ain't getting near it. Probably has fucking claws and shit. I don't know what the future fucking sci-fi caterpillar looks like. I'm not a fucking scientist.

No, and you're not a good police officer either. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, if I were a police officer, I'd be racist. Yeah. God damn right, man. Why? I just know it, man.

Would you be racist against blacks, Asians, whites? Who would you be most racist against? Polish people, something like that? Indians. Indian. You would just arrest all the Native Americans? Native Americans and Indians. Both.

Both of them. And why is that? I'd call them the wrong thing, too. I'd call Indians Native Americans, Native Americans and Indians. Both. Both of them. And why is that? I'd call them the wrong thing, too. I'd call Indians Native Americans Native Americans Indians. Yeah, just... I'd do all that shit. Yeah. That's good.

You know, just be like, oh, you're... Oh, man, that's got to be fucking horrible. Like, get it... Just sell me the food, Tonto. The wrong slur. So they're not really even offended. Come on, flies with eagles. Let's fucking get the fucking... Give me some fucking more curry on this fucking day.

Hey, all right, Geronimo. Come on, make it with the hot dog. I mean, really, I think you can use a racial slur against somebody who isn't of that race. Totally. Yeah, it's totally fine, man. It's not even bad. I wouldn't even be that bad, you know?

And I definitely get cars, get in cars a lot with my badge. You can call him, just call him all fucking Nightwolf, man. Nobody likes that shit. That was the least like Mortal Kombat character of all time. Ah, it's the worst.

Because he's fucking Native American, dude. He sucked, man. I remember that, dude. He had the axe, though. Stupid ass axe. Tomahawk. Hanging out with wolves and shit. Yeah, man.

Oh, yeah, he'd turn into a wolf and fuck you up. Yeah, fuck that dude. You know, Holden, your caterpillar theory might hold some weight. Okay. In America, the largest caterpillar... So does Holden, because he's so fat. Eddie, I only like that joke because Holden is so fat. You gotta let me know.

That's funny. Kevin, can you mention how fat Holden is? I mean, he's like damn near unsightly. I'll tell you, I walked in. Yeah, you are just so ugly right now. No more stairs for me, by the way. I cut stairs out completely. So I don't take trains anymore or nothing.

I can't go up any more stairs. Marcus, you don't say a lot of negative things about Holden's weight. Say something about it. His shirts don't fit him anymore. Because he's so fat. That's mean, man. I realize the meanest thing you could do if you're going to insult somebody is just

questions, man. If I just look at Holden like, man, why do you look like that? That's the worst thing I can say. You have to explain the reasons. Honestly, if you'd like to know, the doctor pulled me out too early. I was supposed to fucking bake in there for another couple days.

They were just like, get it out. I can't deal with this fucking crazy woman anymore. In your defense, you were like seven years old. In your mother's defense, rather. All right, Marcus, what's something here? Well, the largest caterpillar in North America comes from Mexico. His name is the... Or her name.

Get all the way up here. My grandpa didn't fight an Iwo Jima for Mexico to beat us in its caterpillar. You should have stopped it with the first... Your grandfather didn't fight an Iwo Jima. He's called the Hickory Horn Devil. He's fucking scary looking. And he's about the size of a hot dog. Oh, man.

That's a cool looking thing. It's real cool. But yeah, it's got a lot of spines on it. It's got a lot of spikes. Now, does it turn into like a 10 foot butterfly? It does not. It doesn't do the metamorphosis thing? Uh, well, it turns into a moth.

Ugh! Would you fuck me? Would you fuck me? He's like the Buffalo Bill of insects. You little pretty bitch. Fuck me so hard. That's good. Well, on to the next story. Yeah, let's move.

A woman who signed an apartment lease with her boyfriend and allegedly agreed to be liable for any smoke or water damage faces a $2 million lawsuit after her boyfriend attempted to cook a squirrel and started a massive fire with a torch. Ooh, not getting that security deposit. You gotta shave it first. Keck Chanphilothophong Kong. Oh, no. I'm sorry, what was his name?

Chanthilophong. I think Chanthilovong, that sounds maybe, I don't know, Filipino? So you got the racial stereotype. His name's Chek. He told investigators the blaze started after he had been using a torch on the deck of a unit he shared with Barbara Pello to burn the fur off a squirrel he'd captured. You have to cut the skin off. Is that right?

Yeah. Once the fur was removed, he placed the torch in the corner of their deck next to a plastic plant holder. He then went inside to cook the rodent. Pello awoke to the man yelling and throwing water on flames that were quickly growing on the deck.

The fire spread and caused major damage to 32 units in the couple's building. I don't think I'd call a squirrel a rodent. I agree. I think that's some

fucking more bad reporting. More bad reporting? A squirrel is definitely a rodent. A squirrel is absolutely a rodent. A rodent? I don't think so. I like a squirrel. Is it 100%?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Squirrel's definitely a rodent. I feel like, what is so much better? Going back to the crap and poop thing, but you had a squirrel

and a rat. People love squirrels, they hate the rat. Is it just the tail? Not all people love squirrels. Rats are sneaky and they fucking scratch at babies.

So do squirrels And I don't know any rat The only rat that I know Works in a kitchen Makes wonderful cuisine If you got some A bird feeder In your yard

You'll fucking hate some squirrels Yeah they'll eat the birds They eat all your bird seed They eat the bird seed Not the birds But they steal it all over the place Yeah yeah You eat the birds

Or whatever yeah You just have some birds You look at birds I'm sitting next to a bird I can't be talking about How I eat birds. Fucking up right now saying that shit, dude. My bicep's getting bigger.

They are getting... You look like you've lost 10 pounds. Really? Yeah, you look like you're in good shape. I haven't exercised in like four months. Isn't that something? I haven't exercised in eight months. I should be really thin then.

I don't know, Ben. But I'm all fat. Yeah, you're fat. Did you actually exercise eight months. I should be really thin then. I don't know, Ben. But I'm all fat. Yeah, you're fat. Did you actually exercise eight months ago? Nah. He just ate a really big sandwich. Yeah.

I just jacked off to Julian Michaels on The Biggest Loser. I'll tell you, she's hot. I don't know who she is. Julian Michaels. Jillian. Jillian Michaels? Yeah, she's hot. Biggest Loser, it's the fat show, right?

Yeah. I hate when they call it Biggest Loser Family. It's like, what are we even watching here? Are you just families going out? Just fat losers? Yeah, big fat losers trying to be the biggest loser. It's fucking insane that there was a show even called that, Biggest Loser Family. Yeah. And people brought their families on to compete.

It's so embarrassing. It's just bonding, though. It is embarrassing. It's horrible. That's worse than anything that ever happened to me. No, that's not true. That's not true at all. I wish it would have happened to Holden. I wish that

you had Ed's childhood, Holden. He wouldn't be like that. He would have your personality. I'd be like Ed. I'd have that beard and everything. Be gigantic. Pretty great. I guess you actually are kind of like Ed without the beard. Gigantic. What. Well, I guess you actually are kind of like Ed without the beard. Gigantic.

What's up, Marcus? Oh, I've just found the biggest squirrel on record. Oh, okay. All right. They just discovered this guy. He's in Thailand, and he is four feet long. Wow. To give you some reference, he's as big as Peter Dinklage.

Really? Yes. Probably not on a soapbox all the fucking time. Leave Dinklage alone. Leave him alone. He's the size of Peter Dinklage. The size of Peter Dinklage, yeah.

A squirrel. That's some good eating. Do you have a picture of him? No, I don't have a picture of him. It's just Peter Dinklage, yeah. A squirrel. Yeah. That's some good eating. Oh, my Lord. Do you have a picture of him? Do you have photographs of him? Yeah. No, I don't have a picture of him. It's just Peter Dinklage and a squirrel. Yeah, that was just Peter Dinklage for Halloween 1998.

How do you not have a picture of the squirrel? I don't know. It's four feet long. Yeah, you got to see it. Wait, does that take this on hearsay? Let me look. Let me look. Something's going on in the news.

People are reporting. Is it a whole species of squirrel? Yeah, it's a new species of squirrel. Oh, that's terrifying, man. Oh, okay. Is this? Is this? Is this?

Squirrelalia dinkligian. Oh, shit. And it's a flying squirrel, too. Wow. Oh, my God. Of four? And that's four feet? Yeah.

Oh, my God. Oh, that tail. Because of the wingspan? No. No, no. Four feet long. Oh, with the tail. But still, the tail is only about a foot itself.

The tail counts. Yeah, sure. Oh, it's so thick. Teach that thing how to play Pop Warner football. Yeah, you should put a garbage bag suit on it and make it run around until it shits itself like your dad did when you were supposed to play Pop Warner football. Isn't that funny the way our fathers thought we were going to be athletic?

I mean, I was halfway athletic. Yeah, but the other half is really important. Yeah, yeah, yeah, the other half. The athletic part. No desire to do it. Yeah. Did you do sports, Kevin? Nah, man.

It was terrible. I ran track. You ran track? Yeah, I ran track, but that was about it, man. Were you pressured to play sports? Yeah, my dad was really disappointed in me, man. Yeah, he was upset. Caught me gay and things like that.

Because you like the horses. Yeah, man. Yeah. Horse Illustrated. I remember. I'm with you, man. I'm with you. Are farmers gay?

No. By fucking trait, they are, yes. They are gay. You think so? Yeah, dude. Farmers? Fucking out there in the field Sweating all over the place Fucking open chest

Yeah that's true Some scientific Yeah that's true Andrew you probably weren't You weren't Were you Did your parents think You were going to play sports?

I feel like some of them Would be the big guy But you got off easy with that Yeah they didn't even ask me to play hockey like my brother. Right. Yeah. And how tall is your brother? He's like 5'8". Okay. The tallest one in the family. Yeah. And how tall are you? 5'3 1⁄2".

5'3", and you got to put that half in there, because otherwise you'd be real short. I am one foot taller than the world's biggest squirrel. And that's good. That's good. That's sweet.

That's a good one. I still be getting that squirrel pussy, though. That's a luxury, though, of growing up a little bit smaller. Because the sport thing was a nightmare. Yeah. A nightmare. Oh, boo-hoo. You're tall and statuesque.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, you've got to play sports well you would be if you weren't such a fucking slob that's true you judge us because you didn't make it but it's like I never wanted to do that fatuesque you're wearing your high school

wrestling shirt right now too I got third in the state he wasn't he was just gigantic You're wearing your high school wrestling shirt right now, too. I got third in the state. Steven's point, but you weren't fucking athletic. He wasn't. He was just gigantic. Let me read the shirt. Sweatiest kid in Wisconsin. That's crazy.

It's good to be slippery when you're wrestling. That's not bad. But Jackie, you play some sports. Oh, yeah. I got strong thighs. Yeah, you were the softball catcher, right? Yeah, I was a catcher. But you didn't use a mitt just your pussy.

I'm the dickiest softball like a cigarette. Jackie would have been just as good as a catcher. No pants. That's great. Jackie's senior year but Jackie leather pussy Zebrowski. They like it rough.

The ball just kind of goes right to it. Just take sandpaper to it, you know? Softball goes right in. I was pretty good. I was like a starter for fucking the sport. I throw garbage at the dead man's house. I got all the points. Got all the points in that fucking sport.

You pieces of garbage. Listen to this show like you got something fucking better to do why'd the guy die um oh you know just fucking by not going out of the house he ran out of food and he just fucking starved to death oh really yeah he was that dude he was that idiot dude you know we'd always set fire to his door whenever he tried to leave oh so he couldn't get out then we'd put set fire to his door whenever he tried to leave. Oh, I see. So he couldn't get out. Then we'd put it out. So he thought like a ghost was like cursing him.

But like really, it was just us like keeping him in. Keeping him in there. Yeah, yeah. That was fine, you know. Yeah. We'd always put mannequin hands like on his face when he was asleep. So he'd wake up covered in these like mannequin hands. Right.

That really didn't help things for that guy. Sure. Fuck that guy though. Why? What did he things for that guy. Fuck that guy, though. Why? What did he do? He was just fucking... He always put the fucking lanterns out for the fucking Christmas parade and shit. That's nice, though.

Fucking asshole does shit like that. It's a nice thing to do, though. We love to sing and dance like a fucking piece of garbage. Seems like a nice guy. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, fuck it. I hated that guy Herschel Rotten hell Herschel

Rotten your fucking old bullshit Well alright Hold it man Honest question Like in high school Like how many hours a day Like how much time do you Would you say you spent getting like

Thrown in the trash can's butt first? I imagine. Like a cartoon? Yeah. I'd say like seven, eight times. It depends on how long it took them to find me during lunch break. I could see you just trapped in the trash can for hours. Sometimes I just jump into it myself just to keep it from being done to me.

If you do it yourself, then you're stuck in there. Sometimes I just jump into it myself just to keep it from being done to me, you know? Because if you do it yourself, then you're stuck in there. In a trash can getting your shoelaces tied together. Yeah, but then I just pull my dick out and start pissing on people. Yeah, that's good. I got them away pretty quick. Yeah. Those fucking douchebags. Yep, the old pissy garbage can.

We got to throw more people in garbage cans, man. We're not taking advantage of that. I agree. I mean, with our height, we should be throwing so many people in there butt first. That's the worst way to get thrown in a trash can. You can't get out. If you do get on your feet, you're walking around with a big trash can ass. It's so funny, man.

We've been too nice for too long. I agree. I'll tell you what. I once ran for school man. We've been too nice for too long. I agree. I'll tell you what. I once ran for school treasurer, and no one voted for me. A little fun fact about this guy. No one voted for me. No, I never ran for fucking... Are you kidding me, man?

I was too busy fucking finding weed. All right. Marcus, what's the story? A shocking video has emerged showing a group of thugs swinging an elderly woman around in circles as she cries for help all right so we all just have to watch this video this is the funniest video i've ever seen kevin you're gonna love this thing all right all right so you guys you have to have the sound for this as well. Yeah. So yeah, just kind of hold it up near your ears. Alright.

While you watch. So this takes place in, where is this at? This is in Romania. Romania. Footage purportedly captured in the Romanian village of Jalava shows a gang of about five or six men hanging outside a bar. We're going to put this on the round table page fucking for sure. How do you fucking find

this shit? Here we go. Fucking stop. She just rubs her mouth. It's not over, it's not over, it's not over. There's not a lot to do in the room. No, not a lot. I can't get her again. I can't get her again. And Marcus, Marcus, what's the name of the video? And the name of the video? And the name of the video is

Police Seek Romanian Granny Spinner. And they should be seeking that. It's such a different laugh. Because it's so bad. It's incredible, man. It's straight evil. It's such a different laugh. It's so bad. It's incredible, man. It's just straight evil. It's so evil. Her reaction is just so good.

It's priceless, man. It's like every time I doubt there is a God, he goes and blesses me, man. It's the most beautiful thing you'll ever see. She's so stunned and then runs away like E.T. Oh, they'll never gets me again. That never gets me. No! Yeah!

What is that sound that she's making? That is wonderful. Why did they think to do that? I'm saying, like, what was the conversation before that? Hey, I bet you can spin old bitch five times. Yo, dog. Yo, dog, it's Vladimir. Want to go into you can spin old bitch five times. Yo, dog, it's Vladimir. Want to go into town and spin old ladies?

It's not bad. I mean, they really don't have anything there. There's no entertainment. If you look at the video, there's literally nothing there. Just like an old lady in the street, and that's it. There's no buildings. There's no cars. That's fine.

I'm going to start having conversations with bouncers at nightclubs. Because I feel like they're all Romanian, and they're all going to be like, oh, it was great back in Romania. We used to just spin old ladies. And what not. They have stories to tell. Oh, my God. But the cops are looking for them.

I think the cops should be able to find him. It's Romania, not very big. Local police said they're looking. Yeah, local police said they're looking into the incident. Once they've identified the men in the video, they've said they'll begin to press charges. They haven't been able to stop laughing yet. And what is the charge?

Why is that illegal? Police are locating thugs to high-five them. Doing great work. Loved your YouTube performance. That's very good. Justin Bieber started on YouTube. If those guys just started

spinning every random person, if they had a series and they come to Manhattan, just spin old ladies in Manhattan. I would love to see them in the Upper West Side. By the way, all that chatter that you heard after he sparred the first time,

that was his friends egging him on to do it again. Of course. That's a moment you want to live in for the rest of your life. It did work out perfectly. I mean, you do something, you know it's wrong, but it's so funny. You've already done it. You might as well do it again.

You're not a worse person. You're the same person. You were just as good 20 seconds ago. It's a lateral move. Her day has already been ruined. If you see her the next day walking down the same street, do it again. Her day has already been ruined.

The world's already been changed. Imagine what a great night they had after they did that. They laughed all day. They all got laid. That poor woman just went home and just... Oh, my God. I mean, you have to be a little bit shy.

If someone just picks you up on the street and spins you around, but then... I mean... I'm certain she ran screaming all the way home, and as soon as she sat down, she's like, you know what? That was kind of awesome. But she's just so perfectly encased in her jacket, in her coat. They swing around by the coat, and none of her clothes move. Nothing shifts on her at all.

It's amazing. She's a stuntwoman, like a stuntwoman. Yeah, she didn't fall. She didn't get hurt. It's like they grabbed a turtle by its shell. It looks like a pink duffel bag. And she just went home, and she talked to the picture of her deceased husband and told him all about it. And he was happy that she had some news for the day.

He's probably spinning in his grave. Take it easy, Chris. You're off the mic for five minutes. We don't take a shit. Yeah, that's fine. I just hope this dude has like a pen pal or something. I want him sitting down. He's sitting by his note, his fucking lamp in his room.

And he's writing, Vladimir, for decades I have searched and today I found the one with the perfect coat. It's a beautiful story, man. I mean, that's it. There's nothing else to the story than just a bunch of Romania guys spone a granny around five times. Yeah. I've been playing

that Lego video game. She's no one's fucking grandmother. No, maybe not. I mean, she did seem like prepared for it. She did seem like relatively, you know, comfortable with the whole being spun around thing. She was dressing like she wanted to get spinned. Being 60 in a trench coat.

Yeah. Yeah. Gold coins should have came out of the ground or something. I feel like they won something. I feel like they're video game-ish. All right. Let's move on to Beijing, to China. This should be normal.

Over to China. A man in China survived an unsuccessful attempt to feed himself to a pair of Bengal tigers and is being treated for depression. How did I fucking know it was going to be tigers, man? As soon as you said tigers, I'm like, this is going to be about tigers. I was fucking right. Luka knows best.

The tiger's like, I don't really do Chinese. Yang Jinhai, 27, climbed a tree and jumped into the tiger's enclosure on Sunday. As stunned visitors watched, Yang, who is unemployed and suffers from mental health issues, according to his brother... Pussy. Leave him alone, Andrew. Jesus. He performed exaggerated movements as he spent 20 minutes trying to tempt the tigers to eat him. Why don't you just hit it? See, he didn't have the fucking balls.

He just slapped the tiger in its fucking face and forced it to fight. Beat the tiger. Start the fight. Pick the fight. Yeah, pick the fight. He didn't pick the fight. He just danced and the tigers were like, they were loving the theater. They enjoyed it.

Yang told the paper, I asked them to bite me and let them eat my meat. And so I did not fight back. Ugh. No, this is a sexual thing. It's a fetish thing. I don't know. He was scratched and dragged by the back of his neck, but the tigers declined to make a meal of him. Oh, man.

That must have been fun to watch. Yeah. Salty. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's declined. Like the tigers were... They just weren't into it. I bet he's fucking gross. Yeah. Salty. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's declined. Like the tigers were, they just weren't into it. I bet he's fucking gross. Yeah.

I bet he's just fucking disgusting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know those guys, those old Chinese dirty guys? Oh, I thought you were going to say hold it. Those little Chinese dirty guys. Yeah. It doesn't matter. I know exactly what you're talking about.

Yeah, I know exactly what you're talking about. We all know what Ed's fucking talking about. Fucking slithering around. Hopping with two feet instead of walking like a normal person. They're not hopping. I don't know about all that. Eating fucking fish right out of the barrel. Fish is good out of the barrel.

Right out of the fucking barrel. Oh, come on. Best friend's a lizard. Describing yourself now. That's fine. So these tigers didn't eat him, huh? No. Zusav

tranquilized the animals so they could rescue Yang, who sustained 16 minor wounds. From the leap? Yeah. Well, no, no. From the tigers just kind of hitting at him. Oh, so they were kind of pawing at him a little bit. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. They were dragging him around by the back of his neck. Like a kid. Yeah. Like a cug. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like they protected him, kind of, sort of. So it was the opposite of eating them. Yeah. Yeah, they treated him like one of their own. Well, we can learn a lot by the tigers. Very nice. Very nice. Tigers are one of my favorite animals on earth you think so i know so because it's my favorite animal list i'm with you man yeah what do you like about the tiger so much eddie what do you need to fucking incredible they're so badass they're scary and dangerous

don't take down lions dude majestic that's how you describe tiger yeah man yeah they're so fucking thick man they're bigger. They're bigger than lions. They are just dangerous. I want... Yeah. Jump on top of elephants and kill the people on top of the elephants. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

I've seen that video. It's insane. They do it all the time. They... There was a story of a guy who was rowing his boat out in the middle of fucking sea and a tiger swam a mile offshore, jumped in the boat, murdered him, and then swam back to shore. Don't give a fuck. I love it.

Well, I'm sold then. Yeah, they're one of my favorite animals too. Better than lions though. Look at the size of that fucking tiger. This is actually, I'm looking at a picture of, this is actually a liger right here. Oh, this is your biggest shit. Yeah, this is your lion-tiger hybrid. Oh, this exists. It's the world's biggest cat, and it weighs 922 pounds.

Oh, my God damn. That's crazy. He's a fucking monster, man. Christ. Oh, wow. That's a big one. I love this thing. Look at the size of this tiger, Andrew.

Oh, shit, though. You like that tiger, Andrew? Yeah, I'd let that tiger into my house. Yeah? 900 pounds. That's a big one. Yeah, it's goofy. What's your favorite animal, Holden? Oh, my favorite animal?

We got tigers, lions, and tigers. There's bears and squirrels. Don't say eggs. Eggs aren't animals yet. Eggs aren't animals yet. I'm going to say, I'm going to go with, I'm going to fucking shout it out. You don't know what your fucking favorite animal is Ed Larson

that's a good animal that's a good animal thank you that's my mercy you're welcome I would say my new chihuahua we didn't ask you alright

powerful statement is made yep so this guy didn't get eaten by tigers not at all my favorite animal is the horned toad well nobody asked him.

He shoots blood out of his eyes when provoked. Really? Yeah. I thought you hated frogs and stuff. It's a lizard. It's horned toad by name only. It's covered in spikes. That's cool.

It shoots blood out of its eyes and you like it more than frogs? I can't like any animal that shoots blood out of its eyes. I don't know. I can't get into it. I'm sorry. They're great animals. I like the deep sea creatures myself. The glow in the darks.

Yeah. You know? With the big teeth, the big lower jaw. Oh, yeah. They have the dangly dangly on the top of the head. They look like space animals. No, not an angler fish. They got the big jaw teeth under the bottom.

Oh, an angler fish. No, no. I think they're called a phagation. Big jaw teeth under the bottom. Oh, an anglerfish. No, no. You're not going to get an anglerfish. I think they're called a figation. A figation. Yeah. The figation. A faggot Asian.

All right. Take it easy, Jackie. Jesus, Jackie. You're unbelievable. You're giving it away. It's about the illusion, though. The audience has to think that thought, but we don't say it. We're an audience, though.

They can't make connections, man. You gotta spell it out for those fucking dumb queers. All right, enough with you. I'm just saying, our audience is a bunch of fucking dog assholes. I just don't... You know, by the way, shit isn't food, audience at home. You gotta eat fucking real shit from a grocery store.

Fucking Hardee's or some shit. You can't just take a dump and eat your own dump. I'm sorry, our listeners are dying out there. They think they can eat their own shit to fucking live. He's making sense. He's pathetic. No, that is true. It's fucking pathetic.

They are shockingly stupid people. You can't talk to them like this. No, Eddie, it's okay. I agree with him. I bet on the Facebook page. Unfollow immediately. Corey's alright. He's a holdenator.

No, of course he is. There are a couple of trolls out there, but thanks for listening. But Welty, what's your favorite animal? See, I like sharks, man. I like sharks. Very creative. And Andrew? What is this, third grade?

Mine's a female horse. A mare. They're called mares. That's what runs the city, you dummy. What are you being a listener right now? Knock it off. Alright, take it easy. Good lord.

Alright. Just say unicorns or something, Andrew. We'll move on. Cats. Cats. Good. That's a good one. Mine's dogs.

Mine's a governor. Marcus. Yeah, that's not an animal. Jesus Christ. My governors. That's a political position. Nonetheless, I'm just so happy that you listen. And the show has been so good.

I just want to... This is the final episode of the Roundtable. Ooh, let's go to pornography news. Is that ever been a news segment? It is now. I decided to since we do a pornography show every episode. I like it, yeah. And I'll tell you, Kevin, you missed it.

But there was this gal, Marcus, can you do that? Yeah, yeah, of course, of course. Kevin, you missed the last episode. We watched this video of this woman. And I'll tell you, you know how gummy worms, a lot of folks eat them. But she had them put up her asshole. She shat about it. That's the wrong way to do it.

It was the wrong way to do it. It's a healthier way to do it, though. You feel full, and then you get to flush it out Okay, so Kevin just watch this video Right getting double You see to me that's news they're fucking punching it man i didn't know the good lord made things like that possible

oh my goodness I didn't know the good Lord made things like that possible. But do you notice how when it puts inside her, you can see her fist in their stomach? Yeah, and now she's got a fist in her stomach. It's good enough for this last week. What the fuck? Okay, okay. All right. She's ruined. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She's dead. She's ruined. She's fucking, she has to be dead. So are we going to now start watching this every week? So when a new person comes on on we have to watch it? Kevin just needed to see it. Just a round table. Needed to see it.

Unite over it. I wish you could see his face. I was so mad. I was the same place as you last week. I was having a blast. I was so mad. I'm fucking de-spirited, man. Once again, man. I was fucking so bad. I'm fucking de-spirited, man. Once again, man.

The bird luger left. Yeah. Oh, no. Y'all fucking... We don't want Kevin. You clipped my wings, man. Oh, no. That's not good.

I don't like that. I don't like that one bit. All right, we're going to Florida for pornography. Yay, Thank God. A Miami woman took fetish pornography to a disturbing extreme, police say, repeatedly decapitating live chickens and

killing rabbits while engaging in sex acts. I thought we were going to do this story. No, we said we would do it. Right? Why? It was too gross for you? It's disgusting. It is disgusting. i didn't fuck the dead animals yeah sarah zamora 28 was arrested friday on eight felony counts of animal cruelty for her feature role in a video called sos barn oh yeah sos barn that was the signal of stress

barn so these guys are getting off on uh on just chickens being decapitated and things. Video clips filmed for a twisted animal torture genre called Crush depicted her and other porn actresses torturing and killing a wide variety of animals, including chickens, rabbits, and more for the sexual gratification of its viewers. Now, do you guys know what Crush is? No. viewers. Now, do you guys know what crush is? No. Crush is a genre of pornography in which women, usually with heels,

crush like cockroaches and stuff. That's the mildest form. Mostly it's mice, rats, things like that. I love that you knew that by the way. That's amazing. Holden has never interrupted Marcus. Never. Never known anything. Never known anything. Holden has never interrupted Marcus. Never.

Never known anything. Never known anything. Except for when we just discussed Crush. Oh, yeah, of course. Yeah. Yeah. No, I never heard of it.

No. No. It's pretty big. The Barnyard Snuff video. Now, here's something. It's interesting. We talked about this video last week.

The disturbing video that Kevin just witnessed. The one with the woman getting fisted in the ass, punched in the ass, over and over and over again. Now, we must remember... It's like her liver was a speed bank. It was, yes. I've never seen the video, by the way. I've avoided it every single time.

You were a fool for looking at that. I would have not looked. Now, we know that that segment of the video was filmed on a boat. Yes. We know this. We went pretty far into how bad things happen on boats.

You can see the water. Now, the Barnyard Snuff video was filmed at the South Miami Dade home of Adam Redford. Who is Adam Redford? A boat captain. Oh. Fishermen are crazy, man.

He claims on his website to have filmed a variety of videos related to South Florida fishing and said he knew nothing about the case. Ooh. That's a good claim. So people in his barn are just doing this and filming it. Who gets off on that? Does anyone... Animal torture? There is a fetish for everything, my friend. Yes, there is.

But what do you have to do? What happens to someone early in life to make them like animal torture for porn? I would rather them watch animal torture porn than fucking... Human. Yeah, right? Yeah, human torture porn. Yeah, sure. But human torture porn, one clip Yeah sure But a human torture porn I can actually understand

Yeah cause they actually want it They're humans Yeah I mean the animal thing It's very strange It's very strange What are you looking at He's just looking at words

Oh he's just looking at words Oh okay Shit making yeah Yeah well this is weird He's really weird What should happen Kevin what should happen To these people

I mean is it I mean we eat chickens On a daily basis right So it's like the idea of a chicken being dead is okay for us as a society. But the idea of watching them and jacking off to their murder, that's gross, right? Yeah. What should happen to these people? They should be forced to move out of Miami

and into Hialeah. Hialeah? What's that? It's the city next to it. It's real trashy and horrible. It sucks. It's very workload. It's the most local. Yeah, it's very local. It's, uh, the most local. Yeah, it's the most local joke

I've ever heard. It's the most local joke. It's a Miami joke. They should all be working at the Hardee's down on First Avenue Hey, we got a lot of Miami fans

and they're gonna love it. Don't use my, Broadway. Well, in one clip of SOS Barn, Miami-Dade police say Zamora, the woman in question,

gropes a man's genitals with her left hand. Oh, so there are dicks involved in like sexual things. Oh, yeah. Name your daughter Zamora. First of all, this is about shit like this is going to happen. That's her last name. Oh, okay. No choice.

Her first name is Zamora. Zena. Zara. Oh, okay. Zara Zamora is actually a really hot name. It is, yeah. It's a hot name. But she's groping balls with one hand while repeatedly cutting a chicken's neck using

hedge clippers with her right. Oh, shit. I would cum so hard. And in another, she posed in a sexy outfit after a hot... We only know who she is. We don't know... Well, who are the guys? Hmm?

Who's the guy fucking her? Oh, we don't know who the guy fucking her is. I know, but we only... You want to know the guy's name and all your porn? He should have been arrested, too. Was he arrested? I don't know if anyone should be arrested. Why was he not arrested?

I'm not sure if this should be illegal. Because you're killing animals on tape. They probably didn't even eat the poor chicken. He wasn't killing them. He was just getting blown. Yeah, but if a chick starts blowing you, next thing you know, she's fucking killing your cat. You're going to save your cat?

I want everyone rounded up and shot. No. No. I mean, it's just weird. Sarah Palin gave an interview. Remember this interview where a bunch of turkeys were getting killed behind her? That was legal. I mean, I don't know if this should be illegal.

Well, in another video, she just... If you eat the chicken, maybe not. Yeah. Well, in another video, she just... If you eat the chicken, maybe not. Yeah. Well, in another video, she also beat chickens to death with a wooden stick. That's just, you know... Tuesday.

Well, she wasn't stroking a guy off, so she's just, yeah, stroking a dude. Sometimes they're insane. Sometimes she's stroking the guy off while fucking with the chicken. Others,

she's just beating it to death in a sexy outfit. This seems like, you know, this true detective show that everyone likes so much. Yes. It seems like the main guy, they go with the scars. Others, she's just beating it to death in a sexy outfit. This seems like this true detective show that everyone likes so much. Yes. It seems like the main guy with the scars all over his face. This is the kind of porn he would like.

This is the kind of porn he makes. Yeah. It feels like a woman's cutting a chicken's head off and you're hard right there. I couldn't get hard over it. That's the other thing. This guy needs to be put away. No, I don't know. This guy needs to be put away. No, I don't know.

The guy needs to be put away. I mean, he might have been hard before she was cutting up this chicken. That's true. I mean, a lot of... I mean, yeah. I mean, what is actually technically worse? Like getting a handjob by a chick who's eating a chicken sandwich? You know?

It's the same thing, really. No, it's not. I mean, a chicken sandwich got a bunch of dead chicken. The idea of a chicken sandwich is probably more gross than a chicken just getting cut, man. Think about it. What are you talking about? A piece of a chicken. A chicken sandwich is cooked. A piece of a chicken. I don't want to

go anywhere near a live chicken. Before it got cooked it had its head cut off. I just can't believe we're still arguing. I'm just saying. I'm very conflicted about this. To a degree, I fucking get it, man. Have you ever played Legend of Zelda? How many times do you have to fucking help that dumbass lady get her fucking chickens in a pen?

They're all over the place. And if you attack the chickens, all of a sudden the motherfucking chickens cross all over you. You die. You can't do shit to the chickens, man. They're fucking immortal. I understand. Bird Luger really has left the building, man. No, I... This is just... I never thought... Chickens are not birds to me, dude. chickens, man. They're fucking immortal. I understand. He really has left the building, man. No, I...

Chickens are not birds to me, dude. Yeah, yeah. Chickens are food. Yeah. I don't fuck with chickens. I don't fuck with ducks, ostriches, emus. None of that shit, man. Peacocks are annoying. They sound like cats. I don't do that shit, dude.

Flightless fucking birds and shit ducks can fly just slightly let's talk about this for a second man eating up all the fucking bread duck is selfish man we don't associate with them is there another story we got one real quick real quick a baby has appeared in court in pakistan charged with attempted murder after allegedly throwing rocks at gas workers a baby a baby a nine-month-old baby. Nine-month-old.

We gotta kill him. Really? This is India? This is Pakistan. Oh, Pakistan. Pakistan's rough, man. That's a tough place, dude. You gotta start off young. I started throwing rocks at gas workers when I was seven months old, though. That's how Pakistanis talk, too.

That's exactly how they talk. Pretty much this kid was being held by his father. The gas workers came in. They were going to shut off the gas. Everyone in the neighborhood started throwing rocks at him. Someone saw the baby throw a rock and they rounded up everybody who was throwing rocks

and charged him with attempted murder including the nine month old. He's got to die. Does it say anywhere in the article if anyone there was jacking off? No, it does not. Okay, cool. Is anyone slicing up chickens?

Nope, nothing like this. I'm going to give a baby a rock. It's going to throw it. Are chickens halal? Yes. Okay, good. In New York, they are. Yeah.

I don't know what it's like over there. Lord knows. All right, it's time for a segment from Old McNeely. New animals. A lot of animal talk on the show today, so this works out motherfuck perfectly. Marcus is running a new zoo, and we're all mad scientists

that have been creating new animal clone creations. We're all going to bring him in to Marcus' zoo. He's going to pick the best freakish animal for his primo freak animal exhibit. I will go first, as per usual. And my choice begins right now. I'm giving your ass a Holdinator. That's right.

The slimiest, fucking gnarliest Holdinator hasn't bathed since he or she has been born. And you won't be able to figure out whether it's a man or woman because there's too much mud on their fucking junk. So you get a holdenator. People will love him. He'll be everybody's favorite because he curses like a sailor, but he loves like a mule. All right.

So there you go. There's your fucking choice for my fucking ass. Why are you so... I like it. What do I have to feed it? Oh, just cans. He eats like a goat. Farts like a shark.

Again. Climbs like a dog. Climbs on things like a dog yeah doesn't climb well don't ever yeah if you put him in like a tree-like environment he'll go mad and he'll build a shotgun himself out of tree wood and shoot himself in the fucking head because he can't climb for shit right so he's really good at biting rocks until they're dust. So that's his main thing. He likes to bite rocks down until they're dust and then put the dust in water

and drink it. That's how he fucking gets off. That's what gets him hard. He doesn't even get to eat from it or anything like that. If you don't get him hard, no one's going to want to come see him. Yeah, yeah, it's a thing. No one's going to want to come see it because when it gets hard, you can find out whether it's a fucking man or a woman.

All the mud falls off, you know? But you've got to fucking cover him in leaves twice a day, or he's going to fucking, his skin's going to fall off. So, and then you don't want a skinless holdnator walking around, because he'll bleed out. Real high maintenance. I mean, it's pretty high maintenance. Yeah, yeah, definitely.

Especially during the screaming season. So you've got to give all of your zoo guests headphones. When's the screaming season? Screaming season's from December to August. December to August. That's a lot of the year. Yeah. It's pretty much the entire year.

Yeah. But the thing is, he screams himself out around august september and then he fucking sleeps with a fucking fully erect dick for three months he just passes the fuck out but i think it's not fun to watch so you gotta invest in headphones you gotta invest in fucking big leaves like the big ones and um you definitely need lots of like metal shards. But what's the benefit? Does he love? Does he cuddle like a dog? Oh, I mean, he loves in a thrashing manner.

He will essentially, his mating calls, he'll thrash at you until you fucking, until either you lose all your teeth, your fingers, or your toes. As soon as one set goes, he knows his mating dance is finished and then he begins the courtship where essentially he just calls all your friends and fucking yells and tells them to go fuck themselves

for fucking three days straight. Oh, isn't that something? Yeah, yeah. He pretty much makes you lose all your friends and then he finds the first hole he can find and he fucks it until your brain fucking... Yeah, you die pretty much. Oh, it's holding it, yeah.

Yeah. Uh, Kevin? What the fuck is that? My animal is a cross between a lion and a tiger and an osprey. Lion fucks the tiger. We got the osprey in there for agility purposes. Now, it's flying around, fucking all your bitches, you know, and it's doing that shit, but it only

preys on pests. You know, animals are the real problem. We're talking about fish, frogs, holdinators. I get so mad at fish. Swimming all over the place, man. Breathing up all that oxygen in the water.

It's gonna take them fucking fish out. We call this animal bird liger. Bird liger. I enjoy it. All right. I'm going to go with girdle. I guess girdle, which is grandma turtle. And it's a grandmother that has the back of a turtle.

You can spin her all around. And you have a good time with it. It's a grandmother that has the back of a turtle. You can spin her all around. And you have a good time with it. It's a girdle. And it doesn't really do much, but it cooks for you on occasion. And, you know, it's important when you have to wake up on a Saturday. So you got some content, right? Because you got to import it from Romania, right?

Yeah, of course. You can get it from Romania or a bunch of different places, depending on where we're breeding. And it's going to be tough to inseminate all those grandmothers with the turtle seed, but we'll do it. So it's a girdle. It's a grandma turtle, and they take care of you and wake you up on time and cook you some dinner, and you can spin them around whenever you want to.

I like it. Chris? Jackie, what's your face about? Nothing. I was thinking about the video again. I wasn't listening to you. Which, by the way, we'll watch again at the end of the episode just like a few more minutes and we can watch

it again all the stuff that we've talked about like we got the playground guy and like animals and stuff what about like combining an animal with a playground like a ball pit monster like a McDonald's ball pit and it's it's made of the, like a ball pit monster. Like a McDonald's ball pit. It's made of the balls from the ball pit.

Kind of like Super 8. You know how that fucking monster or whatever needs all the parts or whatever. It sounds like you want to trap kids. Well, it survives on little kids' urine. Everybody knows ball pits are full of it.

It's really friendly. I actually knew I had a ball pit urine. Go haters, come pee on me. No, it's a friendly... It's a friendly monster. A friendly ball pit monster. Oh, you know I can't sleep unless I get peed on. Played by Ed Larson.

Well, I guess we can put that like in there. You can have it in the zoo. Is that Fat Albert? That's my monster voice. That's my friendly monster voice. I mean, I guess we could put it in like, you know, the playground area of the zoo. It's not bad. I guess Fat Albert is a friendly monster.

And then kids get to climb into the cage of the monster too, which is Asians will like because they like climbing in piss. You know, there's something about being from Wisconsin that just makes you terrible at these segments, huh? I think you knocked it out of the park, Pistol. It was your fucking girdle.

Andrew, Andrew. It was a double joke. It was a shared joke. What do you got, Andrew? I'm thinking two of my favorite animals in the whole wide world. Shark, uncle. We're talking the shunkle right now. Oh, my goodness.

It's better than the girdle. Okay, so it's mostly shark, but it's all uncle. imagine you're standing in front of your one-story house in odessa texas just just being the man waiting for your first communion your dad's at work your mom's doing her third shift of the day it's 11 o'clock in the morning and no one's gonna take you to your first communion, Shunkle shows up. We're talking a Firebird T-top, motherfuckers. It's like all the uncle shit. You've got Whitesnake blaring.

You've got pizzas cooling in the back. You're having a great time. You look at him, and you go, Shunkle Brian, because that's his name. And he puts down his shades like this and goes, was some going to eat some fucking Eucharist? And then you get in a fucking car.

You get in the car, you hop in the backseat, it's your uncle, it's a shark, he's got a giant fin in the back dorsal to let other bros know that he's got the pussy on this round. You hop in, he flips

on the tape, he gives you some popcorn and some peanut butter. Yeah, so far I'm hearing all uncle, no shark. The fin, the fin of the act. The fin, the fin. Let's eat some motherfucking seals, bro. Pussy.

And we gonna get fuck up up And then you go with them And you just do your thing when you're eight Hell yeah What shunkles did you have I've been to jail a couple times Alright Jackie I wanna call my animal Slippery tits

And it is a catfish that has tits Basically I feel like It's going to be something that's going to take over Women entirely Because you got a sucky mouth That's got hairs all around it So you can use it like a pussy And it's got tits

So it doesn't Fucking talk back That is one That's the one to beat right there. We're like, short, succinct, useful. It'll bring people to the zoo. I can fucking farm it out all over the country. Especially in Asia. But you're feeding her whole storyline, Marcus.

Well, Ed, apparently... Hey, I'm the one that owns the zoo. You always own it. You can cut the fucking Holdenator's fucking vocal cords out. You can do whatever you want with them when I give them one that owns the zoo. You always own something. You can cut the fucking Holdenator's fucking vocal cords out. You can do whatever you want with them when I give them to you. All right. I'm going to get a muntar.

It's a monkey centaur. That's good. Actually, that's fun. Muntar is good. So it's the top is a monkey and the bottom is a horse. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's a chip. It's real dangerous.

I'd like to reverse. Can it be reversed? You've got to get bigger trees, though, so it can swing because it weighs a thousand pounds. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's a chip. It's real dangerous. I like the reverse. Can it be reversed? You've got to get bigger trees, though, so it can swing because it weighs 1,000 pounds. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, it's 15 feet tall and you can race them. You know, your heart. I'd rather battle them. I'd rather put them in a coliseum.

You can do that. You can do that. But you're going to take a couple generations to teach them how to use tools. Can they use? Yeah. Can you teach them to use a handgun? Oh, yeah, can you teach them how to use a handgun? But it has to use its mind.

So it's only mind-controlled handguns. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We gotta wait for that technology. Alright, Marcus, you gotta do it. I'm so surprised they didn't think of that shit for Diddy Kong Racing. Oh, man, It's definitely between Montour and Slippery Tits.

What are we doing? I mean, I think as far as, like, over... I mean, I really thought Andrew had a good idea there, too. Shunkle's great. Shunkle's great, but Shunkle's... I got them on me. These exist. I know they... Holdenators are great. Thank you. Just the overhead's way too high. Okay. A lot of overhead. A lot of care.. These exist. I know. Holdenators are great. Thank you. Just the overhead's way

too high. Okay. A lot of overhead. A lot of care. Right, right. I feel like I really like the slippery tick catfish, but I feel like the monkey centaur, you can put that on the poster of the zoo. You know, that's like something... Yeah, but you can't control them.

In the right corner. I mean, you can't control a regular, Tim. I mean, if you can... I mean, you can give it enough drugs where it just lays there. Yeah, but we don't want that. You know what? I think here's what I'm going to do is I'm going to send the slippery tit. I'm going to send that over to one of my shell companies in Japan

because it seems like that's where it needs to begin. They're going to love it. They're going to love it. They're going to love it. And they need more women. And they need to learn how to be nicer to fish. Yeah, exactly. So that's going to go over to Japan, but in my main zoos here in America, I mean,

Montour is going to be the fucking main attraction. I mean, and yeah, you're right. T-shirts, stuffed animals. We're making lots of money here. We can do races. We fucking main attraction. All right. I mean, and yeah, you're right. T-shirts, stuffed animals. You know, we're making lots of money here. We can do races. We can do bikes. Lunch boxes. Yeah.

So the earning potential is just so much. So yeah, Montour. Well, you're a real smart businessman, Marcus. In fact, if anyone out there, if one of our fans wants to draw us a fucking Montour. If you can draw, you fucking idiots. If you need to know what colors are.

I didn't even know where to begin with that, Marcus. A girdle, a Montour, a Shunkle. A Shunkle. Those all sound good. The Bird Liger. The Bird Liger. Just send my Holdenators to go fart on your fucking zoo. Yeah.

No. All right, I'll keep a holdinator at my house. Thank you. Just one at my house. My personal residence. Keep it at your fucking house? Yeah. You're going to go to sleep next to that thing?

It's like having a rat in your bedroom. It's like you dig in a pit. You dig in a pit. You put it outside. Yeah, my house is huge. I own a zoo. That's Jack. I mean, it's just not good. Yeah, my house is huge. I own a zoo. That's Jack. I mean, it's just not good.

Jackie, Eddie, Holden, and Kevin Barnett. Now, what are our Twitters? And we're doing this Twitter thing. I say, I'm at Ben Kissel. Yeah, because I say, I'm at Ben Kissel. And then Marcus Parks, and then Holden is just at Murder Fist. At GoCunt, yeah. At Go what? GoatCunt.

Go what? GoatCunt. GoatCunt. I misunderstood Goat. And then Yeah. At Go what? Goat Cunt. Go what? Goat Cunt. Goat Cunt. Goat. I misunderstood goat. And then what's next? I'm not done. 69, 69, 420, 69. That's good.

That's good. And then Jackie Zebrowski is just Jack the Worm. Yeah, which also made me really sad after last week's video. Yeah. The gummy worm thing?

Yeah. What are you going to do about it, you know? Fucking nothing, man. It's all over, man. Fucking nothing. And you're Fatboy Barnett. Yeah. And underscore in his shirt. That's me. And Welty, what's yours? Chris Welty.

Yeah, I never tweet, though. Yeah, good sell, buddy. And then we're going to roast Marcus Parks on June 1st, Memorial Day at the Creek in the Cave live. June 1st, the roast of Marcus Parks. We're starting to plug it now.

This thing is going to be big. Kevin, you'll be there. Yeah, yeah. I'm here. Yeah. Fuck yeah. That shit's going to be on Investigation Discovery in like five years. Oh, it'll be amazing.

All right, everyone. Thanks for listening. Adios. Old Knitter's out. Murder Fist, 11 p.m. at the Pit this Saturday.