The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 193: Ham Flower

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

This week on Round Table: a squirrel causes havoc in a Dollar Store and ends up full of bullets, a man breaks into a church with a prostitute and steals from the rectory to pay her, and a woman strangles the hitman her husband hired to kill her to death. Joining us today: Jordan Temple and Henry Zebrowski!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay down, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Sure, yes, you want to. It's supposed to be a... It's Hitler's birthday. It's supposed to be a... Next week. Okay, I don't care. gentlemen. Always civility. Sure. It's so 20. It's Hitler's birthday. It's supposed to be next week. Okay. I don't care. Oh, yeah. So now you're ready to pray, Henry.

Yeah, we're ready to start. Oh, yeah. Dear Jesus, who never was and never will be, thanks so much for taking what used to be a holiday called Easter. Waster?

Back in the day, named after the goddess Ishtar, right? Pronounced Easter. It used to be about people taking their clothes off and fucking all dirty in a field and fucking getting their big tits out and a dude with all covered in hair will push her down into a bunch of flowers. And it was awesome. And that's what the old holiday was. And you make it a big stupid thing with a bunch of kids in little pastel suits

and old men going around. That's why we look for eggs. He's like looking for her eggs. He's getting in there. He's reaching real hard. He's trying to squirt all her eggs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And making it a big stupid fucking dumb holiday.

Fuck Easter. I'm glad it's faux 20. Faux 20. Faux 20. Hitler's birthday. What? Oh, right. So I just want to give a big, if we want to do a happy birthday.

I don't know how long I could do that. That's fine. I know it was a holiday in the Kissel household. No, it was not. I don't know why you got that pointy hat on. I'm not wearing a pointy hat. You should take it off. I don't like that pointy hat.

Do not accurately describe what I'm wearing. I just want to say, okay, so thanks so much, Jesus, the blue-eyed, blonde-haired, fake wizard that never was for making a great holiday a piece of shit holiday. Amen. Oh, happy Easter. Happy Easter. Jesus is black. I know.

And British. British and black. It's so rare. He's actually a black actress. Welcome to the round table of gentlemen, everybody. He was like a Della Reese. Oh, yeah, that's classy. That's the only one I know.

Yeah, Della Reese. Was it Touched by an Angel? Wasn't she on that show? Della Reese. Yeah, she was good. Jackie's not here, but sitting in for her is a different Zebrowski. Hey, no, Jackie here. This is Jackie.

That's Jackie. I'm so mean. Yeah, what did. Hey, no, Jackie, she is Jackie. That's Jackie. I'm so mean. What did you do last night, Jackie? What did you get into last night? I punched an Asian. Oh, yeah? That's all I did. Jackie seems to sound a lot like every character Henry Zebrowski does.

He tried to take my rice, and I was like, not all rice belongs to you, Asian, and I beat him with a crowbar. Oh my God. I actually do believe Jack is here. Oh my God. No, it's Henry Zebrowski. Oh man, that's amazing. I'm the Lon Chaney of

podcasts. Holdenators, ho! Stop it! Where did you go? When does this end? It'll never end. My fan base is growing by the minute, my friend. But you purposely don't want fans, though.

I don't want fans of the round table of gentlemen. There's a difference, sir. But Holdenators are welcome in my lair, you fucking dumb bitches. I love you all with the fucking tip of my tongue and the back of my fucking cock. My balls. The back of your cock? Yeah, the back of it. You don't have a tail that's like the back end of your cock

coming out of your ass? No. Some people do though. That's kind of my deal. But anyways, Hold Nators Ho, I just want to give a throw out to anybody in the New York City metropolitan area. We're going to be meeting up at a drunk guy's house. We're going to give a throw out to anybody in the New York City metropolitan area. We're going to be meeting up at a drunk guy's house. We're going to beat the fuck out of him.

Why? Why are you going to do that? If you want to come meet me at the Lower East Side, we're going to find a super old man who's just barely scraping by to make room for his apartment on a Friday night, probably 2 a.m. He'll be drunk as shit. We're going to just beat on him with fucking the backs of hammers. That sounds so much fun.

So the new story will just read eight home invaders murdered by drunken old man. We're shooting for nine, fucker. That's how much my fan base is growing. Fucking A, fans. You're welcome. I'm Holden McNeely and I'm saying you're welcome

for your fanship. That makes no sense at all. Sitting for Bird Luger, a.k.a. Kevin Barnett, we got Jordan Temple. Thanks for being here, Jordan. Thanks, Broham. Oh, man. Oh, it's good to be here. Well, Holden, man, that's not what 420 is about at all.

That's right. That's true. He's stressing me out. He doesn't know the meaning for the season. I don't know if you knew but at 420 every day middle schoolers would get out and people were like hey man don't don't do that heroin and they were like but i watched the matrix i watched the matrix and i thought leaning over looked fun you know but really really what it is was them substituting the heroin you know you see

in the dare programs and shit, they're like, hey, kids, don't do this. And you're like, hey, I want to try that. Then they swapped it out for weed. 420, man, so you just got to chill out. Hey, man, I'm hip. I'm hip. I'm with it.

I take the dope. Oh, man. I'm not saying that. You know, I know what the kids are doing these days. You put your hair on in your tank. That's what you're saying. That's right. I hit on this. He also has a crotch that is soaking wet right now.

It's already dry. Oh, it is dry. Yeah, he's that dry. He peed himself a little bit. Plus, my penis blows out little bits of air. It'll dry up any kind of piss stain. That's right. It does.

Like one of those shrimps with the shock attack. You know, those shrimps have that thing where they can shoot out super fast. Yeah, yeah. Makes that noise. Self-cleaning cock. Yeah, my cock hole looks like in the first Star Wars when they threw in the desert when they threw the people.

The Sarlacc pit. That's an innie. You're talking about a vagina. So if you look down in the hole, if you were to squeeze the tip of my penis to make the hole open up bigger, you know how we do. There's little kind of gnashy things

and if a little tiny man were to fall down there, fucking God help him. He'd get the lady in the tramp treatment with that spaghetti getting sucked all up in there. Absolutely. Just that violent ant eater, like an ant eater mixed with a Venus flytrap. Just like,

just eating up a whole bunch of little men and cocks, other cocks. That's the most we're ever going to talk about Holden's penis. That is disgusting.

Whenever Holden comes on a woman, he sucks it back up with his penis. Oh, like a spit-shake that's longer. It's a big thing, man. Well, I finally did

get the surgery so that my cock no longer looks like an ampersand. I'm really happy about that. They straightened it up, and now it flies right. So you're welcome. You remember the mouth inside the mouth in the Aliens movie? That just comes out at the very end. It gets right in your face and looks at you.

It's called a proboscis. Flies happen, too. That's Mr a proboscis. Flies happen too. That's Mr. Pastrami. Mr. Pastrami is here with us again as well. Thank you. Thank you. It's a pleasure to be back. Welcome. Absolutely. Alright, well I guess we can get to a new story. I am Ben Kissel, of course, and then we have Marcus Parks.

Marcus, what's the first story on this 420? Bringing a hooker to church after hours, stealing from its petty funds to pay her, and then claiming he had been attacked and robbed was the, quote, worst decision of his life. I don't know. Oh, man. So he brought a prostitute to church because he didn't have money to pay her. Yeah.

Hell yeah. Yeah. This is good. If I'm tithing 10% to a church, I want the money going to a good cause. It's like my 401k. I cash that out as soon as I got it. Oh, definitely. I know my mom went and gave $50 to church today and I hope

it goes to a prostitute. Definitely. Absolutely. Because Jesus, didn't he fuck Mae Magdalene? That's right. She was an ex-prostitute. That's the tradition needs to follow. I think she was a current prostitute. Yeah, she was a current prostitute and she had sex with her.

She died a prostitute. she was a current prostitute And uh She had sex with him Yeah she still is a prostitute Yeah and she died a prostitute Yeah But he also helped her out He was like the original Captain Save-A-Ho I'm sure he did Yeah

Like Captain Save-A-Ho Yeah Man I'd love to see that Just fucking Getting Jesus off man I bet she fucking Rocked his bones And he shot

Crazy gold tinge Loads All over her fucking veils. And he was like, it hits the wall and it would set on fire. Whoa, my fucking loads! Because the first thing he did was just like, that pussy, we got to fucking make over.

And then like, cut her pussy hairs. Fucking clean up her legs. Because her legs are all covered with desert. This whore doctor, Jesus. I believe it's the Roman... He's just coming to new pussy. What is it? The Roman Catholic Bible?

What's the James Edwards Bible? King James. That's the thing. He used to, before he was Jesus Christ, in the old Sanskrit, he was referred to as Flameloads. Yeah, Flameload. And then they changed his name to Jesus Christ. It was Marcellus Johnson, the Flameloader. And he was a fucking,

all he did was wreck Pross pussy and then fix it up with his magic. Yeah. And that was the first miracle, huh? Yeah, absolutely.

And that's why the bush was burning because he fucking shot some load on the bush. And it got all fucked up and translated. So he was fucking

a prostitute, loaded on her bush and made Moses talk to her. Yeah. Oh, okay. Moses was a her. Yeah. Oh, okay. Moses was a tool. Yeah. And then his jizz was so fruitful, it lured all the animals to Noah's Ark.

Oh, is that something? He just jizzed a line right to the Ark. Yeah, absolutely. You know, like people put little popcorn trails or whatever. Sure, not to get lost. A little red riding hood. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's just spurting out little jizz.

Do people do that often, though? Sometimes. I mean, have you been to Ed's apartment? Anywhere from the bathroom to the bed. I mean, now it's just all covered in everything because I forget where I got to go. Of course. Of course. Yeah.

You just have girls roam around in it and they just get pregnant on purpose. They just roll around in your bed. How much can you sell Jesus' cum for? Jesus is reincarnated. You kidnap him. You start jerking him off. He's just going to sell his cum. We do have 20 years of missing history of Jesus.

Jesus Christ. He stood out. Jesus was fucking everybody. There's a new book out that's very controversial. He's got a wife. A whole bunch of different prostitutes on the side. It makes sense. I bet Jesus fucked a rhinoceros once just to see what its pussy felt like.

Well, he's Jesus. He has to know all. How big do you think he was? Jesus? As big as he wanted to be. Oh, yeah. Like you said, he was black. So what do you think?

Oh, okay. Oh, I mean, I'm a descendant of a Jesus cock. So I know what my cock looks like. Yeah. Jesus was rocking with a cock and he had a fucking slong on him. A big piece of meat, huh? He had a big dick, man. That's great.

I'm getting thick. I'm getting hard. My ass is getting wet. It probably had a bone in it like that raccoon dick. Marcus, would you like to thank the fam? I would love to thank Greg Lewis for sending me a raccoon baculum in the mail.

Greg Lewis, he's fucking a doctor fucking fagatoriot. I'm saying you think that's an appropriate name, a fagatoriot. Yeah, absolutely. He's fucking schooled in it. It looks like it was broken off. We had the theory that maybe he grabbed the

raccoon by the throat and ripped his dick off while he said Mark. So you're holding a raccoon dick? Yes. Right now. Literally. The insides of a raccoon dick. Yeah. Right now I'm caressing it. I'm stroking it. Yeah, don't. You don't have to do it. So what does Greg Lewis do? What is he? Is he like a

raccoon? Dickeologist. I know he's got a family. Wow. Yeah. Everyone has a familycoon? I know he's got a family. Everyone has a family! And his daughter is currently with a raccoon that doesn't have a penis. She's with a black raccoon. Daddy's not approving of it. Marcus is now using it to stir his coffee.

Yeah, I hate the way he likes it black. He keeps serving Swedish meatballs with it. These meatballs taste like raccoon He likes it black. That would be amazing. He keeps serving Swedish meatballs with it. Yes. These meatballs taste like raccoon peanuts. You could just shave that down in the toothpicks and people would just be like, oh, what is this flavoring? I feel in this wood.

Well, it's a hilarious prank of all time. I'm sure they used to do that back in the day. It was a 1920s name for a toothpick. Could definitely have been a raccoon dick. You want a coon dick? You want a coon dick? You want a coon dick? And they were like, what was that? And it was just like, no, no, it's raccoon.

It's raccoon dick. Is the racial slur coon from raccoon? Or is that just a whole other thing? We talked about that. We talked about it. No, we talked about a coon's age and how it's actually not racist. Oh, yeah, that's not racist. But we don't know where the term actually, why they started calling black people raccoons.

A barracoon is a Spanish name for a place where the Cubans kept slaves. So therefore, a coon became a shortened term. It's got nothing to do with raccoons. Nothing. Nothing to do. We can blame the Spanish for this one. I will every day. Like, we can blame

the Spanish for a lot. Why did everyone were slaves? Like, Cubans were slaves too, though. How they... Why they have that word? Everybody was a slave

at some point. Like, slave on slave on slave ownership. I was watching Ten Commandments yesterday. Shed a tear for my people, man. I know how you feel. Yeah, there wasn't

a fat person in that movie. Eddie, what the fuck are you talking about? Everyone in that movie was attractive. Rich people. What person were you? There's one slave that we're going to have to get rid of. He continues to eat all the ham. The Irish weren't treated well.

No, they don't even treat themselves well. No, no. It's because they're all full of fucking garbage. Oh, yeah. They call them the coons of Europe. That's all they are. That's all they are. They're a nuisance. All they do is they take people's jobs. They're the gardeners.

They do stuff like that. They're the landscapers of Europe. Except they never leave Ireland. So that's why Europe looks like shit. They're not allowed to. That's the thing. Europe's all old and stupid. Hell yeah. So that's why Europe looks like shit. They're not allowed to, you know? That's the thing. Europe's all old and stupid. Hell yeah. Fuck that place.

They're so pale. They're so pale. How pale are they? Like, paler than me. I'm so... Yes. Oh, yeah. I have, like, the palest skin ever.

They're paler than anyone here except for Holden. Yeah. Because he's Scottish. That's not a response. That's not a word. So this guy tried to pay the prostitute with church's money, but then he got arrested, huh? because he's Scottish. That's not a response. That's not a word. So this guy tried to pay the prostitute with church's money, but then he got arrested, huh?

Chattin 46 said he was struggling with a sex addiction when he hired an escort and brought her to the Christian Horizons Church for a tryst. He took $116.06 from the church coffers to settle up. He knew he wouldn't be able to replace it before anyone noticed, so he called police to tell them he was taking out the garbage when an assailant attacked him from behind, forced him into the building, and made him open the church safe.

That's very complicated. That's a lot more complicated than you had a prostitute you needed to pay. So he worked at the church? Yeah. I mean, he had keys to the church. Fairly expensive prostitute, right? Well, also $116.06. I think that he gave her everything.

Like, I mean, I guess they fucked. She's like, well, it's $120. He's like, well, I got $116.06. Or maybe she was a $100 hooker and the $16.06 was a nice tip. I'm just talking about the numerology, friend. Six. Six. Two sixes. There's only two six friend. Six. Six. Two sixes.

There's only two sixes in there. Two sixes means nothing. It means nothing. That's a route. But two plus... Wait, but three plus two... Nope. Nope.

All of it's wrong. Five. Sure, yes. Right? Times two is ten. That logic is stretchy. You're not doing any of this right. If you subtract zero from one, that's one.

Yes. That is actually true, yeah. Okay. You're getting the numbers right. Oh, okay. So math I'm fine with. Math, you're solid. So there you go.

Mr. Pastrami, what's a good rate for a prostitute? What do you do? What do you do? What do you think? So there's a website called eros.com. And eros is the Greek god of love, so that's romantic. I hate to plug this website, but I'm going to change everybody's world. So it depends on the city. That's the answer to your question.

New York, between $500 and $1000 an hour For a decent hooker? For a decent hooker What if you only need 5 minutes? They have some that will negotiate half rates Interesting Are they clean? How do you know they're clean?

They check out Eros.com screens them Is it for the hour or is it just for the orgasm? It's for one hour minimum Then you can do two hours, three hours. There's the girlfriend package, which is an overnight experience. The girlfriend package. Oh, nice.

It's a GFE, girlfriend experience. Isn't that the last thing that you want? Why would you want that if you're getting a prostitute? One night. Man, that's insane. $500 for an hour? By the way, there was way, I went on a site that was all masseuse jerk-off.

It was like a Yelp for jerk-off masseuses. People that come jerky Asian? You're just talking about the yellow pages in Thailand. How much is Sarah? I looked in New York, New York. This is Sarah. She's fucking gorgeous. She costs $800.

An hour. An hour. So my plan... Here's my plan. My plan was I went to Alabama, Birmingham where they don't realize what they got. It's a totally unexploited marketplace and you can get a girl that looks like Sarah

for $200. This episode has become a complete commercial for Eros.com. It has. And we've got to get them to sponsor us. It's funny, my friend Dave, Dave who did all the graphic design for a lot of the programs here on Cave Comedy Radio, just sent me some pictures of his uncle. His uncle was in Las Vegas, fell in love with a gal.

They got married at a wedding chapel. Square-faced woman. One of the scariest looking women that you'll ever see. Marcus, maybe we can put the pictures up on the roundtable page. I'll send them to you. And then he googled her name, Lisa Davis, Nevada. Turns out she had just killed her pimp six months before

marrying my friend's uncle. So, you know. Wow! He's a dead man. So we just know he's a dead man. No, no. He rescued her. She will appreciate him for rescuing her. Yeah, maybe. Maybe. It's romantic.

It's like the movie Pretty Woman. But she's ugly. Like, really ugly. He's a scary man. Yeah. He's a Vietnam vet because he found out. This is actually Dave's uncle's story. It's a very compelling story.

Basically, his mother banged a Native American fellow. The Native American fellow got drunk, fell on the train tracks. a train ran over him because that's what happens he's dead they uh he gets adopted but they didn't tell him he was adopted until he was 27 years old a blowout fight in the family his brother-in-law then just ends the conversation by saying yeah you know what you're adopted your father's an indian and then he's like oh no no and then he's like I'm going to Vietnam which is what you do and then he went to Vietnam he came back

he had a great time he did have a better time than that dinner and and now he lives in a camper in Nevada and he's marrying a prostitute

that's amazing it's a great story that's who goes to prostitutes it's so sweet what would that movie be called oh my goodness it started with an Indian Oh my goodness

You gotta shut that Eros.com website down Because I keep looking over And just seeing absolutely gorgeous naked women There's no way they actually look like that I don't know It's like ordering a cheeseburger at McDonald's She better look like that No there's no way though

You'll be surprised You can't return her I mean If a prostitute shows up And she doesn't look like the ad, you can't return her. You can't call the police. You just tell her to go home. You definitely call the police. You call the pussy police.

Who's the pussy police? Is this like the Hasidic have their own place? Do the prostitutes have a pussy place? Yeah, there has to be a pussy place. I think that their pimp will be very upset that you are rejecting their product and they will beat you. That's the thing. Or if the pimp is a really good pimp, he'll be very disappointed in her. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But he has her. He'll scold her in front of you. Guys, I'd be like, you want me to kill her? No, no, no. That doesn't make her prettier. That is a whole other fetish. Masrami, have you ever been with a prostitute yourself? No, never.

I don't know so much about that website. I just, you know what? There's a mobile application to it, and you just can't help but shop. It's like window shopping. Window shopping. You're just like, I just want to know what's out there. Yeah, yeah. For the money.

Yeah, like sometimes I go to a bookstore just to browse. You know you're not going to buy a book. Imagine if I could read. How much fun I'd have. But Scrummy hasn't been hard in a decade, so he knows his dick doesn't work. Back in Amsterdam Red Light District, I believe it was 50 euros

for a blowjob, but I could be a little over. It might have been more like 40, 30 euros. This was in 07 maybe. Oh, that's interesting. It might have been more like 40, 30 euros. This was in 07 maybe. It was very affordable. Yeah, that's why I thought. I thought 116 was a little bit pricey for a church whore, but maybe not. I guess that's the New York City prices. They would charge

per position. You would have to pay an extra fee if you wanted to flip them over. If you were banging them doggy style, salivating, just fucking seeing red, and you wanted to flip them over, right. If you were banging them doggy style, salivating, just fucking seeing red, and you wanted to flip them over, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you had to pay before you even got to doggy. How much does it cost to stick your balls in a woman?

You just pick one. That's a lot of money, Eddie. You just got to start doggy. You know what? Your claim that it was 50 euro still does stand in the Amsterdam red light district. In fact, you can haggle. It is encouraged to haggle. Sometimes you can get them down to 30 euro.

See, I don't need to bottom it out. I don't need to be the lowest bidder. I would rather give her 60 euro and have her take her time and enjoy herself. She's not going to enjoy herself, Eddie. Give her a million euro, maybe.

They actually have it organized. They start at the beginning of the block. It's like the more beat chicks. start at the beginning of the block. It's like the more beat chicks. And as you go down the block, they get hotter and hotter and more expensive. They actually have it organized. I just gotta be so sad when you're able to move down the block. Yeah, like go move down the block.

And then you gotta turn around. Alright, Marcus. What do Jesus paid? Nothing. He didn't have to. Yeah, he was just going like, kazam, and their tits are turning into money. Perfect. They're like, what?

And he's just like, ba-boom. He's pissing wine all over them. See, I just don't understand, based on that, why you hate Christianity so much when it just sounds like a fucking awesome jam. Because it's fucking fake. It's a fun fake. I may as well be talking about Hogwarts.

I do want to talk about Hogwarts. He's being fucking Gandalf. All right? Jesus was as real as Gandalf Gandalf could be real though No You never know what happens Hogwarts sounds like an STD you get from a prostitute

Gandalf I got Gandalfs all over my crotch Yeah a bunch of Gandalfs and Hogwarts on my ass Like little warts that look like Ian McKellen's face Did you fuck the prostitute after Mr. Squealy McNeely came in here? God damn it, I did.

He called himself Squealy McNeely. Yeah, yeah. Just hanging out with you guys. Just hanging out with my guys. I'll tell you, man,

you would be so popular in France. They love those annoying comedians. Yeah, yeah. Jerry Lewis. I don't know if I heard this right, but I think he's ribbing me.

I think he's trying to get a ribbon on me. And I'll tell you what, sir, I'm not going to deal with it on 420. On Jesus' fucking death back day. Yeah, he's back. Fucking zombie, man. We were talking about Saturday.

It's Holy Thursday. Good Friday was back. Fucking zombie, man. Yeah, we're talking about Saturday. It's because it's Holy Thursday. Good Friday was the day he died. And then Saturday is Sleepy Saturday. No one celebrates Sleepy Saturday. I slept in. So I feel like the same thing. He probably just ended up owing all these prostitutes a bunch of money. He's like, I better fake my fucking death.

In three days, they might. He came off the cross, chilled in the cave. Yeah, you're supposed to... He's nobody. He was already alive. No, no, no, I gotta rest, I gotta rest, I gotta rest. Tomorrow, tomorrow. He's Jesus.

I can finally sit and watch college basketball without anybody fucking hassling me. He's fucking playing Xbox Live. Yeah. He was in there fucking... You gotta go practice golf. He was up right away. Yeah. It's really at the end of Scream, the original Scream, where they start stabbing each other

and he hired the guard to stab him. He's like, oh, you cut me deep, bro. I told you to make me bleed a little bit, man. Living like Matthew Lillard. That's not good. No, when the blood got on him, that guy at one go, I was like, ew, ew, gross, ew, I got all that fucking hairy dude's blood on me. It's gone too far, Jesus. That's good. All right, it's time for... and I was like, ew, gross, ew, I got all that fucking hairy dude's blood on me.

It's gone too far, Jesus. That's good. All right, it's time for squirrel news. Oh, I suck on nuts. Oh, I suck on nuts. Jody Putnam, a former police officer in Mountain City, Tennessee, was fired after a violent run-in with an agitated squirrel. Oh, my. What?

People should be fired more often. I don't think my. What? People should be fired more often. I don't think so. Squirrels should be killed more often. Let's hear the rest of the story. Fuck squirrels. Putnam arrived at Mountain City's Dollar General when animal control was unavailable to respond to a call about a squirrel running amok in the store. What were they doing?

What's animal control doing? I don't know. Mayhem is a squirrel causing. I mean, a squirrel can cause some havoc if it's in a store. I don't think so. You look like a gopher from Caddyshack. Any animal that you can stomp to death. But you can't catch it.

Yeah. You ever chased a squirrel? No. Yeah, they're very difficult to catch. And especially if they're agitated. Yes. That's why it's like if you're squirrely, you can't get a hold of someone. You can't get a hold of a squirrely person.

Yep. According to the city's... This is the squirrel that the term is based off of. That's what it's like if you're squirrely, you can't get a hold of someone. You can't get a hold of a squirrely person. Yep. According to the city. This is the squirrel that the term is based off of. That's what I'm saying. They're not of it that way, but you're right. Yeah. It's like the Robin Hood of fucking squirrels over there. I don't know if he's stealing and giving to anybody, but.

No, squirrels are fucking selfish. I'll tell you that. John was a Robin Hood. Who? Stealing from the church to give to the prostitute. Oh, yeah. He's the Robin Hood of all Johns. Absolutely.

Well, I mean, if he wouldn't have gotten sex from her, then he'd be a Robin Hood. Yeah. His name is... His name is just a business transaction. Is his name also John? No, no, no. John, no. He's a John as in...

That'd be great. What did the squirrel... His name is John. What did the squirrel even do? So, according to the city's Tomahawk newspaper, Putnam tried to subdue the rodent with pepper spray. That's fun. Which just gets pepper spray over everything. When that didn't work, he pulled out his gun and shot the animal multiple times.

However, property owner Carl good. And property owner, Carl Duffield offered a different version of the story. He told WJHL that Putnam fired his weapon multiple times inside the store. Duffield said shooting back there. Of course, that should not have been, that should not have happened. And then Putnam pulled out his can of pepper spray,

forcing customers out of the store. So he shot first. And there was about 90 customers in there. So you're looking at about $88 of sales just walking right out the door. Oh, yeah. That's terrible. He's just chomping around the meat. Like, what is it?

I mean, he's a dollar general. There's no meat in dollar general. I pray to God, anyway. It's just hiding in the no-name dish soap. Yeah, with the no-name toys that your fucking poor mother has to buy you because you don't have money. Just let the squirrel be in there. I'll tell you, I will never be so upset as when I wanted a pro wrestling toy and my mother took me to the fucking dollar store and I had to get a little luchador. All I have at those dollar stores for pro wrestling is little luchadors.

Who wants one? I want a macho man. This guy is fucking hilarious, though. He's a security guard. He's just like, gotta get this goddamn squirrel. Squirrels run around. He pulls out his gun

and starts shooting wildly at the squirrel. That's the squirrel. Fuck my wife. You know, he's shot the squirrel because he's shot the squirrel multiple times, apparently. I don't know how many times you think you're going to shoot a squirrel,

but you know, he's just like, blammo, bang, ba-bang, bam. He wears his caddyshack like it's a drama. Bill Murray's his idol. Yeah, it's like fucking apocalypse now to him. Like, what are you, you blow our fucking legs off a squirrel shoot and once and then it's just crawling around going like. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. You're in the wrong dollar store, squirrel. The squirrel did not survive the encounter. I'm really astonished by this man's marksmanship. That's difficult to shoot. A squirrel really astonished by this man's marksmanship. That's difficult to shoot. I'm telling you, man, a squirrel can fucking haunt a man. You have to. How?

You cannot get rid of him, man. You have to put him in the trunk of your car. If you want to get rid of a squirrel without fucking bashing his brains in or shooting it in the head or setting it on fire or throwing it in a lake. It's like a Ouija board. You can't get rid of a Ouija board. You gotta put him in the trunk of your car and drive him like 20 miles away from your fucking house. You gotta kill yourself too though. When you're driving the car, you gotta go off the cliff.

Yeah. Drop it off. Because the squirrel... Because you open the door and the squirrel get out. What you gotta do is you gotta take a squirrel and you gotta dress it up like a dog and treat it like a dog for a year. Right? And it begins to think it's a dog And then one day you fucking strangle it

Dogs don't dress up like a dog How do you dress it up like a dog? There is truth to this You know how you'll kill it? You gotta dress it up as a mother-in-law You just dress it up as your mother-in-law You don't even have to be married You just put some goofy dress on

And be like, oh, I fucking hate this woman. You just fucking strangle that shit. And just like, oh, you know what? Oh, now my non-existent marriage is so much better because I killed this fucking mother-in-law squirrel. But I feel like the squirrel would have to have knowledge of what a mother-in-law is. No, it doesn't have to act like one.

It just has to look like one. Squirrels don't get married. Squirrels live in sin. Oh, yeah, that's true. So you also doesn't have to act like one. It just has to look like one. Squirrels don't get married. Squirrels live in sin. Oh, yeah, that's true. So you also could put a bunch of glue down. Jesus didn't die for them. You could put a bunch of glue down, catch a squirrel, pull it out, right? That rips the legs off, though. Then what you do is, like, you

pull its legs off, or what you do is you take the whole store, shave it, cut the fucking gas lines to the store so the whole thing fills with fucking gas. Sure. Until it suffocates itself. Yeah. Then. Well, it's glued to the floor. Until it suffocates itself. Yeah.

Then you just let it air out and tell people they could come right back. I don't like that Weird Al joke, by the way. Very sad. Weird Al's parents, they died of carbon monoxide.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're old people. My old man. That was the meanest thing that's ever been said. Did you or did we not have an entire episode that was just about

how old people need to be rounded up and murdered? No, but not Weird Al's parents. They were good parents. He's a good guy. He's funny. We all love Weird Al. No one's fucking with Weird Al on my fucking watch. I'm with you.

Absolutely. Weird Al parents should be back alive. That's right. Let's make them back alive. Jesus came back alive. They can come back alive. No, that's not true. I saw my grandpa die

When I was 11 And it's sad then But How'd he die? Did he ever catch the squirrel that killed him? He had a heart attack Oh But he was fat

Well yeah that's gonna happen But he like He just died of overeating I watched an old man die of a heart attack When I was a kid I mean It feels sad And now

I mean See what are you trying to say about that though? What are you trying to say? What are though? What are you trying to warn him? I was pointing at... No, my grandpa was black. He was pointing at me that whole time. You were talking about heart attacks and fat. No, no, I'm saying he was 62.

And he's pointing at you. No, he had, like, distended belly. He's still pointing at me. It was sad. You know what, Ed? You know what, Ed? You know? Those fucking tits.

The belly soft. Speaking of heart attacks and Ed, I saw a study the other day that testicle size is linked with heart attacks. And the larger your testicles are, the more likely it is for you to have a heart attack. Oh, Jesus Christ. They call him Big Ball Ed, and then that's not even about your stomach. Should I get him taken down? No, you can't get him taken down. Marcus, Google that.

I've never heard. Can you shave a little off your nuts? I don't think the term is taken down. It's taken in. There's a surgery in that. But, I mean, the nut size would be the same size. Can you actually shrink the size of a testicle? No way, because a nut is like an egg sac.

You can't shave. What if I start taking steroids and shrink my nuts like that? Then I wouldn't have a heart attack. Then you would have a heart attack, though, for a nut is like an egg sack. You can't shake it. What if I start taking steroids and shrink my nuts like that? Then I wouldn't have a heart attack. Then you would have a heart attack, though, for a different reason. You'd be all juiced up. You'd die like a pro wrestler. You can't do it. That's scrotum reduction.

That's just pulling back the skin. That's not what I want to do. He's got big nuts. I want my nuts to be small. He's got giant throbbing, and they throb. They go... They're like their own little heart. Your nut meat is not bigger than other people's.

Your sack is bigger. No, he's got a small sack. It's just full of nuts. His nut meat is giant. That's the thing. He's got a tight sack. Yeah, you've seen pictures, Pastrami? I've seen pictures as a child of Eddie's testicles.

At first, I laughed, and then I thought about what it meant practically for Eddie. Yeah, because he's got like a crang down there. It's so big. It's not good. When I was a boy, my nuts didn't drop. They crashed. My little brother's nuts are like that now. As a baby, he had to deal with it.

My little brother has like huge nuts. Huge nuts. He's going to have a heart attack. And the tiny is dick. He's like 13. He's like 230. Is that not disgusting to have big old, big old, big old nuts? You know, if you have really big nuts and a lady sees it,

she's going to think you're going to be a good father. Mine are pristine stew onions. You can't take down your nuts, right? No, no, no. Ed, you're out of luck. The only recourse that you have is to remove the nuts completely and replace them with prosthetics. Get prosthetics at it.

Get up. Don't do here. It seems intense. Seems like my life might be easier. Might get longer, too. You'll live longer and it'll be easier. You know, maybe you can get them to make a little noise every time you walk or something. Kind of like that. They can do...

Everybody pull out their nuts. Jordan, take it easy. They can do a thing called a wedge resection. A wedge resection? Yeah, but that would make your testicles completely non-functional. So you want them to work still? And what do they do? They make the cum.

They make the disgusting thing that'll make another one of you. That's not good. Yeah, they just have wedge resection. It's exactly what it sounds like. They just take a triangle-shaped slice of tissue out of your testicle and then sew it up. Is that done at, like, Tony's Pizzeria Hospital? You know what? It doesn't sound that bad.

I'll pass on that. I'm going to pass on that. But the scrotal reduction, that only takes like an hour and a half. And you're in and out. Most men are back to work in 45 days. Let's take our time. Let's take our time with it. Why rush it?

Yeah, if I get one now, I'm going to have to get one another 10 years. Why don't we just wait? That's right. Can I get a... God, I want to see the beginning of that Joan Rivers documentary where she's putting on the makeup. But it's just my nuts. But just your nuts.

Just getting them redone. Just powdering. Or the ending of Boogie Nights. You could do that contour makeup that women do to look less fat. Or you could just shadow underneath your nuts and then highlight the top. I don't care about how it looks. I just don't want to have a heart attack. Or draw a face.

Is that low? Your thoughts, yeah. You're definitely going to have a heart attack, but it'll be a ways from now. None of us will know you by that point. I hope so, man. I pray for the day I don't know who you are. How is everyone going to die in this room?

I mean, like, heart attack, me. Ed, heart attack. I think I might get hit by a car. Yeah, maybe get hit by a car. It's just so tough to say. Jordan's shot by the police. We already know that. That's just guaranteed. You got a stroke. You have a stroke.

One of your clots is going to move to your brain. Yeah, I feel like a stroke is what I got. Mr. Pastrami is going to, you know, orgasm. AIDS. Could be AIDS. AIDS. Everyone has AIDS. It's possible.

AIDS. Marcus will die of the flu in his bed. That is so sad. I'm about to get shot by the police. What am I going to die of? The consumption or something? Yeah, you'll see your paleness and the tiny umbrella. I always thought...

He was 119 and everyone forgot about you. I always thought Marcus... I always thought Marcus was just going to run into a wall too fast, like too hard. He'd be like, hey, guys, watch me run headfirst into this wall, but then just do it way too hard and fast and just bust his whole fucking brain open. I used to do that when I was a kid. Yeah, run against a wall as hard as I could. Put a pot on your head.

That explains a lot. Just run against the wall. That's fine. That's not bad. Great Texas games. Oh, so fun. There was run against the wall, and then there was run and then fall down.

First one bleeds wins, y'all. First one bleeds wins. Watch Grandpa die. Yeah, watch Grandpa die. I win the prize, but why am I so dizzy? That's great. Open and shut the door.

That's a fun one, too. Everybody breathe out and let a rattlesnake bite it. Yeah, that's a good one. Two taps and a break. There's plenty of rattlesnakes around. Yeah, there's a bunch of different kinds of things that you can do in Texas. The brisket toss. Yeah, the brisket toss.

Yeah, stare at the rattlesnake barrel. That was a fun one. Oh, that is a fun one. Yeah. No, no, no. They'd go around and they'd gather up a bunch of rattlesnakes to sell the rattlesnake roundup. that is a fun one. Yeah. No, no, no. They'd go around and they'd gather up a bunch of rattlesnakes to sell the rattlesnake roundup.

This is the real game. This is the real game, yeah. Okay. And so they go up and they gather them all up and you got these special rattlesnake, you got these snake grabbers

because you don't want to kill them because you're going to sell them. Tongs, yeah, but they're really long. But not long enough. They can still bite you. Yeah, that's bad. That's stupid.

That's just dumb Texas. Yeah, because they're like, well, if we make it totally safe, it's no fun. Yeah, of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's stupid. That's just dumb Texas. Yeah, because they're like, well, if we make it totally safe, it's no fun. Yeah, of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's how Texas was built.

No, I know, yeah. Yeah, and so, yeah, they put them all in this big barrel, and the kids would just stand around and stare at them. There'd be like six or seven rattlesnakes in this big, like, oil drum, and you'd just stare at them.

So you're doing exceptionally well for, like, what you came from. I'm doing the best. Yeah. Because everyone else is still in Texas. Yeah. No offense. You're doing exceptionally well for what you came from. I'm doing the best. Because everyone else is still in Texas. Yeah. No offense. Except for my brothers.

Charlie's great. Yeah, yeah. My brothers are doing much better than me, but otherwise, I'm number one. Yeah, yeah. So you're number three. Okay, well, but still. I just feel like it's the same kind of people who'd be like, I don't get that Lucille Ball show. Why do people like that?

Why do people like that Lucille Ball? She's not funny. Miscegenation. Miscegenation? Mixing of the races. That's an old racial term. That was like, here's racism. That was true racism.

I feel like the cops should come. True racism. That's such a pseudo-scientific sounding word, too. It almost makes you sound like you're a smart miscegenation. It's like phrenology. We're like, oh, their heads are shaped different because they got devil bumps. No, that was the first term. That was one of the first parts of nomenclature when they wanted to describe interracial mixing.

And they didn't want to say, them niggers mixed with them other niggers we mixed the niggers mix with the nigger lovers they made some crackers and it looks like small it's like it's kind of small i hate niggers niggers wearing a top hat and so he's like, I have to sound like a scientist. Marcus, stop saying those things. I used to see niggers back in Texas. Marcus, come on. It's Hitler's birthday. Have some respect. I'm not going to stop talking about mixing Baskin-Robbins 31 flavors.

Marcus, we're going to lose all our fans. They got the chocolate miscegenation nigger chocolates and white nigger chocolates and white nigger chocolates and black nigger chocolates. Are you done, Marcus?

Are you done? And George W. Bush is the greatest. Well, that's the most offensive thing. I was on board with you before, but now you lost me totally. What you're saying to me right now is if I were an Afro-American man and I started sucking on

another guy's cock, you'd shoot me in the fucking ass? That cock better be another black cock. That's all I'm saying. It better not be a white man's cock. It'll be a black another black cock. That's all I'm saying. It will be. Better not be a white man's cock. It will be a black man's cock. Well, yeah, if it's a black man's cock, that's all right,

because that means they ain't making no more of them. That is true. I feel like the truth came through in his voice. No miscegenation there. I ain't give a shit. As long as there's no mix in there, it can be dickin'. Well, that might be the title of the episode right there. There's no mix in there, it can be dickin'.

Make sure it's N-postrophe. Dickin'. Five N's. All right, all right. Well, man, you've really captured that essence perfectly. Yes, thank you. And my people, thank you. All right, Marcus, where are we at?

So the raccoon died in the dollar. The squirrel died. Squirrel, yeah. Raccoon died that Marcus has his penis. Hopefully, hopefully it's dead and it's not just a no dick raccoon walking around with no confidence. A unicorn. A unicorn.

I can't even say the term. It's prom season. Yay! Still got no one to call in. And KFC is cashing in on it with its new line of chicken corsages. Oh, I love this. The meaty accessory comes with a drumstick and baby's breath flowers. And KFC is cashing in on it with its new line of chicken corsages. Oh, I love this. Oh, my goodness.

The meaty accessory comes with a drumstick and baby's breath flowers. The company teamed up with Nans and Kraft, a florist based in Louisville, Kentucky, to help craft the product and offer additional flower suggestions to accompany the golden chicken corsage. I feel like you cannot purchase it unless you're over 300 pounds. I don't think that you would purchase it unless you're over 300 pounds. I don't think that you would purchase it unless you were over 300 pounds. It's just sort of one of those. It's pretty hilarious.

It's sort of just like black people can play hockey legally. They just don't watch it. Is it just like a chicken tender? Is it a thigh? Or what is it? Customers can order the chicken corsage online. Chicken not included. It costs $20.

Wait a second. The chicken's not included? Well, hold on here's a hold on hold on don't come on baby but living henry got beat customer as a customer i was incensed come on now franklin cover up again we just did three episodes of child sexual abuse and you were not nearly that upset come on now marcus give us all the details, baby. All right, cool it, Jordan. It costs $20 to order, plus shipping and handling. The purchase will earn customers... Handling. I want nothing to do with the handling.

Yeah, stop handling it. I'm going to give you $10, and you just ship it and don't handle it. How does that sound? Move my fucking chicken. It just seems disgusting. When it comes to meat and food, I want no handling. They send it to you? No, no, no, no.

Let's hear the whole story. You keep jumping the gun. I'm sorry. I went to handle it. They send it to you? No, no, no, no. Let's hear the whole story. You keep jumping the gun. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm getting to it. Tough story. The purchase will earn customers a $5 KFC gift check to customize the corsage with original recipe, extra crispy, or Kentucky grilled chicken.

This is my question, but it's a bone-in piece of chicken that you get? That, to me, is the disgusting part. If it was a no-bone piece of chicken, because then you could just suck it off her wrist and you get kind of hard and you're like, oh, what else can I... You have the bone, not the chicken. You have the bone.

But the thing is, if it's a bone, because then she's got some wet bone hanging on her wrist. Because you're not going to eat the chicken? You have to eat the chicken. You eat the chicken. So she's going to walk around all fucking... But it's all touched the baby's breath.

Yeah, but you still eat it. It's like parsley. That's fresh. Yeah, that's fresh. Okay. She's going to walk around the entire prom with a wet bone on her wrist like she's fucking from the flip-flops. So what do you want on a lady's wrist?

A fancy guy. I want exactly what has just been ordered by KFC. But you want it to be boneless. Boneless. I agree. I would go with the buffalo boneless wing. That would be perfect in my position. Jerky bracelet. Jerky bracelet's amazing. Jerky

garter. Sure. I'd eat that off a woman's legs. Like a whole bunch of pulled pork. Yeah, you'd have to be tough to wrap it around. Or like slices of ham that you could bend into like a rose. I could see that. Soup bowl hat.

So that you can bite a little hole out of the bottom of the soup bowl. Pours all over her fucking face. And then while you're making out with her, you get some of that mushroom soup in your mouth. You would want mushroom soup. Creamy mushroom. I'm going to throw this out there. A yam bra. Right? It's tough to there. A yam bra. Right?

Yeah. It's tough to carve out the yam. I prefer sweet potato but sure. Sweet potato bra. By the way, Marcus looked it up and my ham rose exists. Marcus, can I see a picture of the ham rose? A ham rose sounds like the name of a mutilated

vagina. It does. A broken flower. I gave that girl a mutilated vagina. It does. A broken flower. I gave that girl a ham rose. Oh, my goodness. Oh, there it is. A ham rose indeed does exist. And it does look like a mutilated vagina. It does.

I just want to lick it. I'd say it just looks like a fucking rose. All the lips are blended. Looks like. Stick that between two pieces of bread. If a woman bought me a dozen ham roses, I would have to just be with her for, see how it goes. I'd have to see how it goes. She knows the way to her heart.

That means she's kind of crazy, which is all the fucking broads you're bringing home these days. But, you know, either way. I was like, hey. Oh, my God. Can I just call you Mrs. Larson? Yeah, you can. Yeah, of course, Ed. Call me Mrs. Larson Well I don't think we're at that stage

Of development in our relationship Water the roses with mustard I'm really fucking drunk And I don't know where the fuck I am But sure See now you're incriminating yourself You're making yourself look bad Mrs. Larson See, now you're incriminating yourself. Yeah, you're incriminating. You're making yourself look bad, Ed.

Mrs. Larson, do you take Ed to be your husband? Yeah! You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to love Ed! Eddie, Eddie, Eddie! There's nothing in the world I want more than to see Ed every fucking morning I wake up. I call him Muddy Eddie because I like him when he has a shitty ass. Big old Sticky Eddie.

That's right. I call him all I like. Even up on me. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, no, she's great. I love her. She is a sweet woman.

She is a sweet woman. Two dozen ham roses. Four ham roses. The whole wedding reception. Nothing but ham. It's a ham roses. More ham roses. The whole wedding reception. Nothing but ham. It's a ham theme. We've got all sorts of ham. We got ham on the seats.

You got ham all over the cake. If you see any swan you see in the lake, you can shoot. You can shoot it and we'll cook it. We'll rip its fucking head off of its neck and we'll cook it for you.

We got these gravy fucking just off of its neck and we'll cook it for you. We got these gravy fucking just like those hamster drinks. Like you crave like a hamster fucking like water wheels. You gotta push the ball with your tongue and gravy comes out. I so badly want to go. We're all sharing tonight guys. That's nice. I so badly want to go to a wedding where they have cute

animals following you around and you have your own gun and you can just shoot it and like take it to the kitchen and be like, give me this. I want this. I literally, I was in Atlanta. I was eating so much organ meat and I went to, we went to a petting zoo today and I was like, look around at these goats and rabbits and stuff.

And I was just like, there was literally a part of me was just like, hmm. Oh yeah. Look at these. So you do have the brain of Homer Simpson. You were getting into organ meat down there, huh? That's the most unhealthy thing you can eat, by at these. So you do have the brain of Homer Simpson. You were getting into organ meat down there, huh? That's the most unhealthy thing you can eat, by the way. Have you ever eaten brains? No, no.

Cholesterol, yeah. I will never eat brains. Brains? This is the thing, man. Our bones and our skulls are filled with fucking butter. No, it's brains. Our heads are butter. It's brains.

It tastes like butter. That's what God told you in a dream. Why don't you just eat butter, then? Just have butter. No, no. You crack open. I'm just saying what God told you in a dream. Why don't you just eat butter then? Just have butter. No, no. You crack... I'm just saying natural. You crack open a bone.

It's filled with creamy butter. You could just suck all that up. Anytime someone's got big bones, you snap it open. I had lamb's brains. What kind of butter are we talking about? Just purest butter. You take a bunch of braised brains and you fucking scoop it with a tiny spoon and you put it on a little cracker and you eat it.

It's like you're eating pure butter. So you're a cannibal, huh, Henry? I could be. You would eat human brain. I would eat human brain, actually, too. I would eat human flesh. I would eat human flesh in a second. If it was made.

You wouldn't have normal brain from a cow, but you'd eat human flesh. Yeah. Well, different drugs for different folks. All right, Marcus. We got one more story an Oregon man has been sentenced to 10 years in prison Friday after hiring another man to kill his wife Susan Kuhnhausen fought off

the hitman and actually strangled the attacker with her bare hands killing him I read this story I thought it happened years ago and he was trying to get out of jail now yeah it happened in September 2006. It's fucking incredible. I love this woman.

Yeah, she's struggling. And one of the guy's last words were, you're so strong. Yeah, yeah. That's awesome. Yeah, I believe. How did she kill him, Marcus? What she did, she said, I saw a man step out of the shadows, and he began to hit me in the head and the face with a hammer. That is this genius yeah and by the way this this make it look clean i've got

just the two this woman's in her 50s by the way and she's a hoss though she's a mrs larson she kind of looks like ed yeah she says i got the hammer and started hitting him with the hammer several times my father the carpenter always taught me the hammer could be used for self-defense. The claw end would work the best. Can you imagine being married to this woman? You are married to a woman that can kill a hitman. Yeah. I mean, she's terrified.

Yeah. Yeah. The attacker was Ed Haffey, a drug addict who, it turned out, was hired by Michael Kuhnhausen to kill Susan. She said in court, I yelled, who sent you here? Yelled again, who sent you? She's like Liam Neeson. That is awesome. Yeah, he turned.

Melissa McCarthy should play her in a movie. Totally. He turned blue as I told him, you're not going to kill me. And then she killed him. That's incredible. And then she fucking killed him. This is a feel-good story. Yeah, and she said, if I ever believed you deserved to be dead,

I would at least have the balls to kill you myself. Talking about her husband. Dude, I mean, she tormented this guy, though, right? Oh, I'm sure. You don't mess with this woman. You got to ask what she did. Yeah, I think there's three bad people and one of them won. You know?

I'd agree with that statement. Victor's telling a story, though, and her narrative is pretty awesome. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a great story. 50 grand he paid the guy to kill. That's right. He paid him 50 grand to go beat his wife to death with a hammer. That would take.

That's good. And lose. God. That's a lot. Is there an Eros for that? No, no, no. That's highly illegal. Hitman.com.

Who would you pay to go kill somebody? It's hitman.gov. Yeah, that's true. Just ask if you want to to like go kill somebody it's hitman.gov yeah that's true just ask if you want to be a marine you guys you guys could get me man oh yeah pretty sick hitman i don't know you can't do it jordan yeah i don't know if you got too many flowers on your shirt i'm not sensitive man i just got on this floral shirt don't let it confuse you that's a floral shirt that's for sure man how would you kill somebody though if i'm gonna hire you i need to know you can That's a floral shirt. That's for sure. Oh, man. How would you kill somebody, though? If I'm going to hire you, I need to know you can do the job, not just attack a...

I used to hold gats. Big old gats. You used to hold them, but have you ever fired one? Yeah, I shot one. I actually shot one in the gym. I shot at somebody's neck. Did you hit him? No.

Well, then you're not very good. No, the gun jammed. I owed him money. I did a hitman, not a missman. Then I pistol whipped him. Oh, yeah? You hit him with the gun? Yeah, I hit him with the butt, the gun jammed. I owed him money. I did a hit man, not a miss man. Then I pistol whipped him. Oh, yeah? You hit him with the gun? Yeah, I hit him with the butt of the gun.

So you could be a hit man. Pistol whips are pretty aggressive. I could have pistol whipped him. I don't get it, though. You were close enough to pistol whip him, but you missed him with the shot? No, the gun jammed. Oh, so you... Oh, my God.

That didn't happen. I don't know if we should be talking about this. I wish we were talking about this. It sounds like, yeah, the statute of limitations isn't over yet. right now if that gun didn't hit. It sounds like the statute of limitations isn't over yet. That was 9, 10 years ago. It's totally fine. He's not dead.

I don't even see him. I bet he's still pissed though. I'm sure he did. No, no. He deserved it. What did he do? His nephew owed me money. How much did he owe you? His nephew? Like $1,500 $1,500?

Wasn't even his debt He came to my He came to my apartment Where I was like Selling drugs Wow Yeah, no He definitely owed me money

He deserved it There's a lot of people That probably forget that See, no I kind of did Because I'm a nice guy I agree

Now see I know this sounds crazy But I agree. I agree. I know this sounds crazy, but exactly what he's saying, exactly what he's saying, exactly the same thing happened to me. I did the same thing. Really? Yeah. You shot somebody? I shot a guy in the neck and I beat him to death with his pistol.

You beat a man to death? No, no, no, no, no, no. Allegedly, I beat a man to death. I mean, you're the one alleging it. I allegedly beat a man to death, you know? You know? See, I was going to say allegedly too, but then that means I totally did it.

Well, I'm pretty much a renegade because I buy weed every day. Why do you buy it every day? Why don't you just buy a bunch on one day? Little did you buy $5 a day. I like to just challenge myself as to how many times a day I can buy weed. The crazy thing is there's something in your teenage where your brain is crazy.

Men experience, boys in their teenage experience something called testosterone storm. Oh my God. And that one's you just fucking freaking out. And I was going through a lot of changes in my body. When I was 17, I lost my virginity. And I was like selling these weak-ass drugs and being terrible at it when I was like 16. And then that happened when I was 17. So I was just like, once I hit 21, I just was just kind of evened out.

Yeah, you chilled out. I had to chill out. No 17-year-old should ever be owed $1,500. Yeah, I agree. I lied. No, that situation should never arise. How much was it? It was more like $600.

That's worse. That's so much worse. You're going to kill a man over $600. That's fine, though. That was a lot of money to me, though. I got beat in the street by a bunch of 15-year-olds, and I went to and told the cops that I got beat up. this is just about a year and a half ago no it was like three years three years yeah it's because you were a nerd yeah no i mean i actually i i just i love

the idea what of me getting beat yeah yeah yeah very funny it was super funny no but i went to the cops and they're like well it's because these kids can't fuck so they beat Yeah, yeah. It was super funny. Street justice. No, but I went to the cops and they were like, well, it's because these kids can't fuck, so they beat the shit out of people. Yeah, I didn't lose my virginity until I was 17. Yeah. And it seems late for all the puss I've been slaying.

Hell yeah, dude. What? I got mine taken from me when I was nine. Oh, no. So let's move on. Let's move on. It's time for a second from Holden McNeil. Holdenators, don't believe it. Holdenators, ho.

I can't believe you all exist. Thank you for existing, and you're welcome. This segment brought to you by Holdenators is since it's 420 and Hitler's birthday in Columbine and Jesus' resurrection, we're going to talk about the first time we ever smoked weed. Oh, I thought you were going to say shot up a school. First time? Yeah, first time we ever smoked marijuana weed. Also, Marcus, while we're doing this, can you find out, I want to get my nipples removed.

Can you find out if a male can get his nipples removed? I can remove them from you tonight. Thank you. I know for a fact you can remove them. You can get them removed? Oh, yeah. You can have that surgery done. get them removed? Oh, yeah. You can have that surgery done. Is that it?

Yeah, yeah. And then you just put a little car cigarette thing in and you just burn the ends. Oh, okay. You can remove anything you can't put things on. Oh, okay. Like an elephant's snout. Because I learned that lesson back in Africa in 94. 94.

There's a nipple removal thing and it kind of looks like he still has nipples. Yeah. Just two nipple-shaped scars. Well, that's not what I want. All right. So. It's called nipple removal thing, and it kind of looks like he still has nipples. Yeah, just two nipple-shaped scars. Well, that's not what I want. All right, so... It's called nips. I want smooth... I hate that I'm looking at that.

All right, Marcus, let me see really quick. Let me see the picture. It just looks like mosquito bites. That's where his nipples used to be. Yeah, that's where nipples used to be. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just nipples. That's not good.

Yeah, it still looks like nipples. All right. There's a redness. That's why. Okay, so first time I will begin. I will grace my fans with my story of myself. Who gives a shit about your life? This was what I think, I believe, sophomore year of high school.

It was also the first time I ever got insanely loaded on liquor drinks. So we got an older sister to buy us a bunch of booze and then next thing i know i'm sitting in a hot tub with my bros and we're having fun just the bros and i'm having sex with each other none not necessarily why not not necessarily i'm just i don't know it was blurry man next day i know i was smoking weed. We got, for some reason, an empty bullet shell, and I was smoking weed through that, which the whole thing would heat up immediately, and everything would pull through it

because it's just a big hole in a bullet shell. So I don't know if I got high or not. We were already too drunk. I was already more drunk than I'd ever been in my life smoking the weed. And that is the story of the first time that I, Holden McNeely Lord of Holdenators smoked marijuana

Boo! That story sucked That was my favorite That was good though Everyone had a little lie in there A little lie A little lie Yeah, it's like you got the bullet shell

after you shot a dog. There we go. That's a good story. That's a great story. That definitely didn't happen. None of that. We smoked weed for the first time. Nothing gets me in the mood to smoke weed

more than killing a fucking cute dog. A cute dog. My buddy shit and pissed and puked himself that night. In the hot tub? No, we were all in the same room, though. We were all crashing in the same room. Yeah, so you all took a hot tub together, smoked weed, did drugs. He shit, pissed, and puked himself? It was a mess.

He was a mess. In front of all of you while you were sleeping on the floor in the same room. And then he came out like two years later. Oh. I hate all this. I don't know. Jordan, he's really scared about like that's the best part of the now he was gay because he had a hard-on in the sleeping bag and then that's what that's why he came that's why he was gay man not because he had to really shit himself because he's probably

gay dude i don't know he's probably gay a gay man what do you got, man? Oh, man. Oh, yeah. Oh, shit. First time I got high, I was skateboarding. I was still skateboarding at that time. Cool. I was chilling with some black skateboarders. One of them actually named Black. That was his nickname. Interesting.

Because he was really dark. He was even darker. Oh, you called him Black because he was really dark. Yeah, because he was really black, so Black. I was never up for that nickname. Nah, yeah. You're just like, is my boy black Henry?

Hi, hello, my name is Henry, but you can call me black. They call you like Irish Satan or something. Woo! Nah, nah, but yeah, first time I got high, I was chilling with a skateboarder kid. So yeah, so we went on the roof, You like Irish Satan Or something Woo Nah nah But yeah First time I got high I was chilling With a skateboarder kids

So yeah So we went on the roof And my buddy had some haze Like some really good shit Oh yeah And I just remember Spacing out And looking up

And like to the fucking sky And shit You know And just being like And then I went to my grandma's house For fish Friday Hey I like that That's okay What was Fish Friday. Hey! I like that.

That's okay. What was yours? Well, the first time, I think I've already told it, was with Jared Rattle and my Thunderbird. But for the first, and we just listened to Another One Bites the Dust by Queen and drove around. But that entire first year of smoking weed, a lot of out of the apples before school started, a lot of that stuff. This gal named April Sankey, we used to get super stoned and um i would always try to have sex with her but she did not uh like me at all so that was good but i had a car really big i was like ugly but i wasn't that fat um and uh yeah man it was a good time though when i started smoking i remember sitting in class all

stoned and my mouth just felt like it was full of weed. And I was just like, I'll never taste normal again. You know, like my whole... And yeah, I loved it, man. The first time I got in stone, getting stoned in class, definitely freaked out a lot. Vomited one time when I put shoe tobacco in my mouth. Oh, yeah.

Well, super stoned during a movie viewing of Mice and Men. Gary Sinise version. The Gary Sinise version? The Gary Sinise the Melkovich version. People were saying, just being like, why aren't you up there? Why aren't you in this movie? Well, I had a lot

of jokes where, as a matter of fact, I think I made them to diffuse it. Like, if I'm sitting here, then how am I up there on the screen? Things like that. And they laughed and laughed and they all thought I was truly stupid. That's great. You're making friends. The first time you got stoned you watch my no no this is during that year i'm just saying the first year the first time i got stoned i was just driving around and i used to drive and get so fucked up oh yeah multiple times i would like very lucky i didn't kill or get killed one time

i just remember waking up in the wrong lane my friend jared grabbed the wheel we had to pull over and and then a lot of times I would just end up smoking weed outside of the Thunderbird and he'd have sex with a disgusting horse inside of my car. Cool. Alright. I love that. Jared. You mean, you said horse or like horse. Horse.

Like women because a horse can't fit in a Thunderbird. Yeah. That's so cool you had a Thunderbird. Like a mini horse. My dad got it real cheap from a horse. That's so cool you had a Thunderbird. Like a big, awesome car, man. Like a mini horse. That's great, man. My dad got it real cheap from a body. That's nice. Cool, man.

Yep, real cool. All right, what do we got? Mr. P-Strom, never done it, never smoked it. He looks toasty right now. Eddie, do you remember? I was with you. Yeah, I do remember. I fucking had the worst experience.

We were at our friend Corey's house. Yeah, we got a bunch of purple haze. It was a four-foot bong named Ozzy. Yeah. And I never smoked. And they're like, try this. And there's like a hundred people. And Eddie's there. And the next thing I know, I took off all my clothes.

And I started walking around the dining room table. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You couldn't stop me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They were on in my shoes. This is the worst segment ever. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They told me to take her to the hospital. I was like, no, I'm not taking her to the hospital. No, you don't go to the hospital for being stoned. That was a fun party though.

It was my buddy. We had my buddy Pendle watching the door and he was this big, tough, scary dude and he was watching the door of and he was this big, tough, scary dude. And he was watching the door of the party. We invited a bunch of people over. He had a blank piece of paper, and he just told everyone that he didn't know that they weren't on the list.

That's great. So, Ed, what about you? Were you able to get home from the hospital first? Yeah, that's the thing. Did you? Yeah, that's the thing. I smoked weed. My first time I smoked weed was behind a dumpster of a McDonald's with my buddy Anthony and my buddy Ian.

Ian listens to the show. What's going on, bro? What's up, Ian? How are you? We smoked weed together, and then we went to Walmart, and I played with the Hulk gloves all night. We played with the balls. I flirted with the Walmart woman that was there. That was awesome. Sick. And I do remember the one thing that was that I called my mom

because I was dog sitting for my girlfriend's dogs because she was out of town. So I went over there and I stayed the night over there. And I kept calling my mom and doing the things like Hey mom, I'm hanging out with Anthony and Anthony. And they're like It's Anthony and Ian. Anthony and Ian. It's like Anthony and Anthony. I'm hanging out with Anthony and Anthony. And they're like, It's Anthony and Ian.

Anthony and Ian. It's like Anthony and Anthony. I'm hanging out. And she's like, Who? Who? That's a fun story. I mean, you had a girlfriend. Yeah, and then my dad blew me.

Oh. Oh, shit. Allegedly. Allegedly. Allegedly. Yeah, allegedly. of course he owed me gotta make it a good story

yeah you definitely made it a good story I forgot about that Ed were you just nug and then became a person or did you smoke it at some point in your life I was straight edge for a while you had the X's on your hands yeah I was real into football so i didn't smoke for until i was 16 and then first time i smoked was behind a dumpster nothing abnormal i don't know most people i know got

stoned when they were 12 i don't know yeah and that's true yeah so he held out guys i did hold out i did i held out like a motherfucker and so uh first time i smoked was behind a dumpster in a park nothing really happened it wasn't very fun the first time i really got high we were visiting my uh friend's sister in college and she's like all right we're gonna get you high we're gonna watch wizard of oz dark side of the moon whip it do the thing you know we're gonna do it like lots of beer so they just left me and my buddy there with this giant, like, flower of weed. I'd never even seen anything like it since. And we just got so wrecked.

And we smoked all of it. We smoked all of it. We did all the whippets and drank all the beer. Cora's passed out. And they came home. And I was just like, fine. And I was just, like, sitting up. And they're like, damn.

They're like, all right, let's smoke something. I was like, all right, well, you got more? And they're like, you smoked all of it? They, like, couldn't like, all right, let's smoke something. I was like, all right, well, you got more? And they're like, you smoked a whole bit? They couldn't believe it. You were born to smoke weed. I was, I was. They told me they would have to take me down with an elephant gun. Well, that makes sense.

So both you and Henry smoked for the first time behind a dumpster. Yeah. Isn't that something? I feel like you guys were probably both born behind a dumpster, too. There's a chance. I was born in a hospital. You were. Yeah. Sorry, Marcus something? I feel like you guys were probably both born behind a dumpster, too. There's a chance. I was born in a hospital. You were. Yeah.

Sorry, Marcus. So whose cock gets sucked? Oh, I can tell mine as well. Yeah, sure. Well, I've already told the first time that I've ever smoked. We already told that on the show. But the first time that I ever smoked something that may have been laced with PCP, I'm pretty sure, is that we were all hanging out

around a cab fire at this place called Chinaberry Grove off of this country road. And I got in there late and earlier that night a couple of my friends had killed some rabbits

and had hung them upside down. That's all fucking disgusting. I mean, it's just... What is that? It's like fucking gummo every time he talks about it. I don't like Mark's stories. Well, we got both kind of buses.

We got the short bus and we got a shorter bus than the short bus, which is just a car. I'm on the shorter bus because I got shorter seats. Oh, yeah, yeah. No, he don't got no leg. That's Jimmy No Ankles. Oh, right. So your friends killed some rabbits because it was Wednesday. Yeah, they killed some rabbits and hung them upside down from a tree because they had to bleed them out.

Good and macabre. Yes. And so we start, you know, we start, like, smoking, like, smoking more and more, and we start flashing lighters in each other's faces and start getting, like,

more and more fucking agitated. Then my friend Josh, like, stands up and he fucking runs over to the rabbit, and he just starts ripping the fucker apart with his bare hands. Fucking throwing rabbit flesh. I hate this story. What kind of weed was this?

I can't handle this. This was PCP. This was PCP. Oh, the BWP. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Texas weed. Yeah, it was a bunch of 15-year-olds, a bunch of Texas 15-year-olds

just ripping rabbits apart with their fucking bare hands. Just laughing and laughing. I just don't understand. I play with their fucking bare hands. Just laughing and laughing. I just don't understand. I play with whole clubs. Yeah. Why would you lace weed with PCP? It just seems expensive.

I don't know. Kids used to do that all the time. Don't they call them woolies or something? I don't know. They call it wet. Getting wet. All right. Well, you win, Marcus.

Your story is the best story. That's the round. If the contest is the weirdest one, then that's the one. Welcome back, Henry Zebrowski. Thank you so much. Yes. Back in town. Yes.

You had a nice time in L.A. while you were out there. It was whatever. It was whatever. And I'm still here. That's great. Whatever. Let's see. Anybody we have to thank?

We have Frank Mendoza to thank for sending all those things. Yeah, Frank Mendoza. Greg Lewis. Thank you for the fabulous. Ooh, Frank Mendoza to thank for sending all those things. Greg Lewis. Ooh, that Zorba gal. Holy Lord. Very attractive. Oh, yeah. You got a fucking nice ass girl.

Australian. Future wife there. We have a lot of beautiful fans. Yes. I can't believe. I'm always amazed by that. Yeah. I don't know.

No, what are you talking about? We're classy dudes. I know. We're classy guys. We have potential. We're going to have money one day. Do you have some Australian ladies? Some Australian fans? Australian women. No, they're all racist. They're not trying to talk we are. We're going to have money one day. Do you have some Australian ladies, some Australian fans I've bagged?

Australian women are gorgeous. No, they're all racist. They're not trying to talk to you, Jordan. Don't even. Leave her alone, Jordan. Hey, man. Leave my white woman alone. I bagged an Australian girl.

I bagged an Australian girl at the cake shop a couple weeks ago. Her name is Tiga. Tiga. And she's coming back for the summer. And she was on the verge of coming to my show. And then she was like, oh, I got to cancel. Then she went back. And when she comes back, totally going to be hooking up.

So you didn't fuck her? Yeah, no. I licked her face a little bit. Oh, right. I went to the next show. All right, that's the round table. All right, well, Marcus Parks roast, June 1st. Don't forget.

That's right, June 1st. Follow everybody on Twitter. Okay, goodbye.