The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 194: Scoop Heads

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

This week on Round Table: a teacher gets fired after giving a student a lap dance in class, an Oregon power plant is under fire for using aborted fetuses to feed the fires, and a woman is arrested in Arizona for conspiracy to commit bestiality. Joining us today: Justy Dodge!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay on, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Alright. That's good now? Alright. Alright. Does that sound okay? gentlemen. Always civility. Alright. That's good now? Alright. Is that sounding okay? Yeah, it's sounding as good as it's going to get. I was really worried we weren't going to have a show this week.

I know. We were going to have a show. Oh, yeah. Ben, you're praying. Oh, yeah? Yeah, say something nice to your God. Alright. Hello. I don't know who I want to pray to today. It's your fucking God, man. Well, it's mine, so I will pray to myself. I want to pray to today. It's your fucking God, man. Well, it's mine, so I will pray to myself. I want to say thank you, Ben, for having

not a beer belly, but a full tank for a sexual machine. I want to thank myself. I want to thank myself for not having a beer belly, but having a good sexual machine. That's what I got.

Amen to me. Thank you. You're welcome. We should just stop doing the prayer thing. I'm done. Welcome to the round table of gentlemen, everybody. All right, we have a nice small house today, and I want to welcome back, I'll tell you, the fans have been upset.

They have been. Miss Jackie Zebrowski, you've been missed. Hell yeah, man. I'm fucking back. Oh. Yeah. I'm fucking back. Oh. Yeah. I censored myself. That was a censor.

That was a censor. That was a censor. That was great. Still wrong. Let's try one more. Jackie, you've been missed. Welcome back. Oh, man.

This is a shit. Absolutely. You can't say ****. You just can't. I'm going to have to cut that out. No, come on. Let's do it one more time. Jackie, let's not be racist.

Say something nice, but say something self-defacing. That's good for comedy. Jackie, you've been missed. I'm happy to be back, you fucking... Asshole. Just say asshole. I can't. I can't.

That's all right. But it did take a really long time for anyone to say that I was gone for such a long time. I didn't notice. Thank you, Corey Griffin. I'm giving you thanks. Don't thank him. I usually hate him because he's a fucking Holdinator piece of bullshit. Holdinator, what's up?

He's the only one that said anything. That's right. Well, he pays a lot of attention. Go fuck yourself. All right. I'm Ed Larson, and I'm also racist, but only towards fish. Oh, really? What's your least favorite kind of fish?

Alive ones. That's a good one. Holdenators, ho! You are really pushing that, huh? You are good. Take two on your fucker. I'm hungover and high, and I don't appreciate you fucking judging me while I say this shit. Very good.

You look terrible. I'm so sad right now. I can't. I need to be laying in a sensory deprivation fucking tent. You are beating a dead hold in here. Should we get the humidifier going? Or you have another nose issue? Maybe I have another nose issue.

There's a bleed coming out of a lot of different places right now. I will tell you this, though. What is he? He is irreplaceable, Holdenators. Yeah, he is irreplaceable. He is irreplaceable, Holdenators. Thank God. Yes.

Marcus, we were having a conversation yesterday about Holden. You remember you were like, yeah, we only canceled one gig gig for the cowmen because holding it a nosebleed. The only gig we ever canceled. I had my nose blood for a week. But a lot of front men throughout the history of music have had to cancel shows because of nosebleeds. Yeah. Except they were cool enough to do coke. Oh, they were doing cocaine.

Yeah, that is true. Kevin can't be with us today. He's busy making a television show. So we got Justy Dodgen here. Hi. Thanks for being here. I can't match any of that. What am I going to do? That's good. I know where I stand.

How you doing, Justy? I'm okay. You feeling good? We don't have to go that far. That's all you can ask for. Marcus, let's make everybody feel better. We've got some great news stories this week. Oh, yeah. An Italian man has been killed by a crucifix honoring John Paul II during a ceremony ahead

of the late Pope's canonization. Ugh. I love it. What do you mean? Why would they get a crucifix to honor a Pope? Yeah, they put the Pope on the crucifix. Was the Pope on the crucifix? Nail him to a cross if we're going to do that. Yeah. Dig him up't was the pope to a cross if we're gonna do that

yeah dig him up fucking nail no cross and that's a good you know the skeleton on the cross that should be our new thing yeah i would like a good skeleton i'd be catholic again if it was if we changed it to a skeleton on the cross yeah it's a cooler image that's for sure well marco gusmini 21 was among pilgrims visiting the 98 foot high statuehigh statue of Jesus Christ in the town of Sevo in northern Italy. 98 foot? 98 foot. When it toppled over, Sevo Mayor Silvio Citroni said, The boys ran in every direction when they heard the sound of the wood splintering.

And then we humped them. And then we humped the boys. You're humping the boys. He said, Unfortunately, that poor boy went the wrong way. Yeah, I guess so. That's a big damn cross for a city that probably has nothing. They should spend their time building a FedEx. That would be great.

Yeah, plumbing. Yeah. Have you seen a picture of the crosshead? It's definitely going to fall. There was no question that this It's definitely going to fall. There was no question that this cross was not going to fall. Oh, yeah. Wow. That's a mess.

Well, it's top heavy. Yeah, they don't have any engineers. Apparently, Mr. Jusmini, the boy who was crushed, he had a minor motor disability, which might have slowed him down as the cross fell. Oh, man. I hope his last words were Mamma Mia. Mamma Mia. Mamma Mia. Who put this cross here? Christ was on the cross, or the Pope was on the cross.

No, no, no. Christ was on the cross. Okay. A woman said, I heard a loud rumble and I couldn't understand where it came from. Then I heard shouting, but I thought it was just the children playing, something like that. But then my husband called me and said, look, the Pope's cross fell down. Not a lot going on in the town.

Look, the Pope's cross fell down. That's amazing. But then I started shouting, saying, but there are children there. Yeah. He was running, he was running, he was doing a good job, and then he just slipped out a pile of spaghetti. Yeah. He was running. He was doing a good job. And then he just slipped out a pile of spaghetti. Yeah, you never know.

I wonder if that's the banana peel joke. In fact, today is the day that Pope John Paul II is going to be declared a saint. For what? What did he do? They said, you know, they said, I think he had one miracle attributed to him. I'll look it up here in a second. Yeah, look it up. Wasn't there two of them that were getting? I think there might be.

This is like in history. He had the Popemobile after he almost got shot for a second, but he survived that. So then he drove around like a dumb goldfish for a couple of years. So he got declared a saint for that? No, I don't think that's the big saint thing. What did he do, Holden? You know a lot about the Catholic Church. Yeah, absolutely.

What did Pope John, Holden? You know a lot about the Catholic Church. Yeah, absolutely. What did Pope John Paul do again? I think he said he took away farts in the city for one week. No one farted. The whole week? Yeah. Yeah, I remember that. It was pretty much one of those. Yeah, it was that Mexican miracle. And yeah, I want to give

a shout out to my Holdenators. You go, guys. They don't like you anymore. They don't like you anymore. They don't like you at all. I'm going to go ahead and say I never liked you. Marcus, what's this Pope's miracle? Surviving, getting...

So Reagan, he's also going to be a Pope? Well, Reagan wasn't a Catholic. Or a Pope. Well, no. Just a president. One Catholic president. He got fucking shot. So that's not a saint. Just a president, not a pope. Well, no. There's only been one Catholic president. JFK. He got fucking shot. So that's not a saint. Just a president, not a saint.

That's the saddest thing about the JFK assassination. He was a saint, and then he got shot again and died. Ah, God damn it. Also, back then, Catholics were a bit more like prejudiced. People were prejudiced. They hated the Catholics because they all thought they were Irish. Rightfully so. Yeah, they didn't like the drunken Irish coming over here,

taking all their jobs and doing it weird. Kennedy's an Irish name, right? Mm-hmm. That fucker. Oh, big heads. Weird looking creatures. I don't like the Irish. You don't?

I like the Irish as a drunken people. I'm Scott Shire. Well, that makes sense. Yeah. Yeah, you're making my point. But no, they're a wild bunch, the Irish. When they came over here, they were hooligans. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I like the Irish, but you gotta put them in their place A little bit Sometimes you just gotta take away their food Take it away, they weren't eating it anyway Are none of us Irish except for Idiot Holden? I have Irish I'm American though, because it's like Irish, Italian, Finnish You're not really Irish, you're American, you're just mixed

What's wrong, Marcus? This is the dumbest fucking miracle that they attributed to him. This is Pope John Paul's? No, this is another of the miracles they attributed to him. There was apparently a woman with a brain tumor and she...

She was just Irish. No. No. She was Costa Rican and she had an inoperable brain tumor. They told her she had about a month to live. Yeah. She was resigned to her fate

until one day her husband told her to start praying. Okay. And when he told her to start praying, she was holding a magazine with Pope John Paul II on the cover. What? So when she started praying, she started praying to Pope John Paul II.

Right. And she recovered from the tumor, so therefore, the miracle is attributed to Pope John Paul II. No, the miracle is science. That's what the miracle is. I think John Paul II. No, the miracle is science. That's what the miracle is. I think it's just a shitty tumor. That tumor didn't do its fucking job.

Yeah, man. He didn't take her down that horse. Kate Upton is a fucking saint to me then because I've pulled that Maxim magazine. She was on the cover of that. I was holding that and I was like, oh, I want to come. I was praying to her.

And I came. She's a saint. Kate Upton's a saint. She is. Oh, I want to come. You know, I was praying to her. And I came. She's a saint. Kate Upton's a saint. She is. Oh, yeah. Good Lord. That's the miracle, huh? Nothing to do with him.

He wasn't even there. He wasn't even on the continent. Yeah, she said that when I woke up in the morning, I looked at the magazine cover, which showed Pope Wolsztyn with his arms outstretched. That's his real name. That's the famous Pope. Yeah, yeah. Wolsztyn.

Yeah. I felt a deep sense of healing. Arms outstretched. That's his real name. That's the famous post. Yeah, yeah. What style. Yeah. Yeah. I felt a deep sense of healing. I heard his voice say to me, get up and don't be afraid, she said, recalling one of John Paul's signature lines. That's very different than the line he usually says to all the, you know, the little ushers and the boys. Get down and don't be afraid, you know. Hey.

Because they're all sucking his nubs. Hey. Sucking his dick. Girl, it's not a beer belly. It's a whole thing for a sexual machine. She said, I went to my husband

in the kitchen and told him I was cured. I realized little by little the illness had been taken away. That's a pretty good day of work for the Pope. Great day. You're just sitting there

and saying, hey, you did a miracle today. Good job. Didn't even know it. That's amazing. Man, we got to dig him up. Yeah. Yeah. Let's scatter his bones. amazing. Man, we got to dig him up. Yeah.

Yeah. Let's scatter his bones. Yeah. I like fart his bones better. We'll eat his bones and fart them. Yeah. That would be perfect. I'm going to build something out of him.

Yeah, you'll build something very good. A helmet. Sweater. Clack, clack. Maybe this kid who got killed by this huge statue was praying for death. Maybe he was praying to end his misery. He was mentally handicapped. He did have a mild motor skill. I mean, no more than like...

What is that? Slow, fat. He can't like grab on to stuff. He's slow. Oh, okay. Well, it's bound to happen then. I'm surprised he lasts this long. 21, you should be thanking God.

Survival of the fittest, man. Gotta get rid of the weak ones somehow. They keep staying alive. Yeah, for a long time. Fucking science, man. Build a lot of crosses. Yeah, man. Gotta get rid of the weak ones somehow. They keep staying alive. Yeah, for a long time. Fucking science, man. Build a lot of crosses. That's what we need. More crosses everywhere. Yeah, more crosses everywhere.

More kids dying in the street. Well, I don't know about all that. But I will say that those are very, very weak miracles for this book. We need to get over it. I think most people would agree with that. Yeah. You want more children dying in the street? Absolutely. It does seem that's fairly common for this town

because that woman heard a bunch of shrieks and screaming and her initial thought were, the kids are playing. Yeah. Isn't that nice? In reality, it was a massacre from a huge crucifix. Well, in Italy, the children play with guns, usually. Right. Yeah. They kill each other. Yep. I've heard that. I've seen fucking Gamora, bro. I don't know about that shit. Yeah? each other. Yep, I've heard that. I've seen fucking Gamora, bro.

I don't know about that shit. Hot stuff. Man, I just came back from being at home and I went into the extra bedroom in my mom's house and my grandparents, my hateful grandparents, used to have a huge picture of Jesus Christ nailed to the cross with the blood

coming down. Hadn't seen it since I was a kid. I walk into the extra bedroom. It was just there in the bedroom with nothing else in the bedroom was like what the fuck is this doing here she's like oh your grandmother didn't want anymore we're gonna keep it in the bedroom it was like it was just like flash flash flash of like my past coming draw a mustache on it yeah i should take a knife to it what did she do what does your grandmother do like scream at you? Like what is it? Is she abusive?

No, no. It's all psychological. Is she alive? Yeah, yeah. She's going to live forever. They never die, man. The mean ones never die. That's what keeps them going.

It really is. It's like guilt tripping or like... Yeah, just kind of like telling you that you're nothing, telling you that you're going to fail, like pinching you and being like, you're fat, you're a pig, you're a pig, and like no one will ever love you. Your mother telling you that you're going to fail, pinching you and being like you're fat, you're a pig. You're a pig and no one will ever love you. Your mother doesn't love you. Your father doesn't love you.

You know. But she's got a big Jesus Christ picture so she's going to heaven. I guess if you replace the Jesus Christ picture with a little gold Jesus crucifix necklace, she sounds exactly like one of those casting couch porn directors. Very

mean-spirited. But I didn't have to fuck my grandfather. Oh, you did not? So that's kind of nice. I got away with that. You know, I think I'm going to be nice until about 60, and then I'm just going to turn into a mean son of a bitch. That's how I'm going to extend it for the next 30 years. You're 60, that's for sure.

He's one of those guys, too. I only had to fuck one of my grandfathers. Good for you. That's not bad. The other one was dead before I was born, so who knows? Isn't that sad? Thank God. When I get that old, I'm going to become a DJ.

I'm going to start spinning records, be a record-spinning granny. That'd be cool. We'll have a sex change as well. Yes. I get a sex change, get a fucking full face tattoo. There's just a bunch of worms. Just a bunch of worms tattooed on my face. It's just spinning records.

Why scream? I'm already dead. I just want to clarify. I wasn't molested. I was of age when I fucked my grandfather. That's very good. Yeah. Yeah.

I was 18 in three days. I'll admit. I presume. Yeah. It was Eddie's choice. You know. It certainly wasn't his. I fucked him. You raped your grandpa.

Once again, I presume. I apologize to your grandfather. You'd be surprised how wet an old asshole can get. I don't know. I would be surprised by that. I imagine it's very wet. Yeah, it feels like old people tend to be wet. They're always kind of wet. Yeah, it feels... Old people tend to be wet. They're always kind of wet. And what's interesting is the

noise they make is like the sound of a creaking door. Yeah, yeah. They're fucking on them. And that's when he came. Oh, he's loving it. He's loving it. I'm gonna lube up the door. Yeah, I don't think he came. At least I don't care if he did or not. Yeah, why would you? No, no.

I did. Yeah. I've heard you guys are the Prune Brothers, I don't think he came. At least I don't care if he did or not. Yeah, why would you? I did. Yeah. I've heard you guys are the Prune Brothers, right? We've all seen the Prune Brothers, Marcus. And for those that have not, Google Prune Brothers and you're going to find out really the wonderful benefits of prune juice. Yeah. If you feel a little stuffed up, you had a lot of cheese recently, maybe you ordered

some pizza, had some carbs that you didn't want to have, drink some prune juice. I'm really upset aboutunes. Oh, man. You're going to take a big one later, Ed. Very good. Marcus, let's move on. A Phoenix woman was arrested Tuesday on suspicion of conspiring to have sex with a horse on

Craigslist. This is not illegal to think to want to have sex with a horse, is it? It actually is. I just can't believe a horse learned how to use a computer. Why isn't that the fucking story? A horse learns how to use Craigslist. Yeah. Fucking crazy.

It gets blown because of it. Yeah. Slutty ass horse. It is a slutty horse. Would you slap a slutty horse? I would love to slap a slutty horse. I would slap any horse. They're terrifying creatures. a slutty horse. I would slap any horse. They're terrifying creatures.

Of course. I wouldn't ride one. I feel too bad for a horse. They used to call me horse teeth. They used to call you horse teeth. But when did they stop? I shaved them down. They were bigger before. They were big. They pretty much went over my chin.

The top ones went over my bottom chin. You look bad like Jerry Lewis Asian stereotype. Right. They were bigger before. They were big. They pretty much went over my chin. Like, the top ones went over my bottom chin. Like a bad Jerry Lewis Asian stereotype. Right, right. Yeah, yeah. And I used to be like, me like wing-wongs, you know? And then the kids would punch me. Yeah.

You know, no one laughed at any of it. Right. We were all not happy about it. I feel like the anti-bullying movement waited for you to become an adult, you know, so then we could really start to hate bullies. Exactly. Because you couldn't root for me. No, no, no. Bullies were big.

They were real cool. That's why I learned roundhouse kick. Oh, yeah? You take anybody down with it? Oh, Lord, no. No, no. They would beat me and beat me. But you would spin around and do a little kicking.

Yeah, yeah. It looked more like dancing, and then they'd beat me. They would beat me and they'd beat me some more. It was just a constant. I was laughing like a maniac. I loved it. That's great. That's the way Dahmer died.

Dancing? Well, the woman who identifies as transgender, the aforementioned horse fucker, was identified in the police report as 22-year-old Donald Whaldy posted an ad in the missed connections section of Phoenix Craigslist. Her name is Donald? It's a transgender. Transgender. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So she changed her name to Donald? No, no, no, no.

Donald was her birth name, and then now she's trying now she's transgender which i don't know what her uh new woman name is yeah oh okay so it was a man and now it's a woman pre-op man yeah pre-op man okay yeah although he has been working on his titties yeah he's got little nubs yeah when i read that um this person transgender, I couldn't tell whether or not they'd be gone as a woman, they were becoming a man, or vice versa, so... Yeah, good work. She's doing a great job. Gotta take down those eyebrows. Yeah, the eyebrows are real

bad. She said, she posted in the ad, I'm 22 years old, and I want to play with a male horse. Simple as that. If you have access to a male horse, then contact me, please. Winky face. I mean, why is she

getting arrested? After a horse breaks his ankle, she said she wanted to play with a horse. You can play with a horse. Everyone plays with horses. She didn't say

I want to suck a horse's dick. Yeah, she gets to it. Yeah, she gets to it. The ad caught the eye of another Craigslist user who reported it to the Maricopa County Sheriff's Office.

Undercover police officers... What a snitch. Yeah, what a snitch. What a dickhead.'s Office. Undercover police officers... What a snitch. Yeah, what a snitch. What a dickhead. Jesus Christ. Undercover police officers contacted Whaledy, who told them that she wanted to perform oral sex on the horse and agreed to meet the officers.

Police arrested and charged Whaledy with conspiracy to commit bestiality. I hate this conspiracy to commit bestiality. What's the conspiracy? She didn't do it. Is that law on the books? Do we know? Can you be charged with something if the law isn't on the books? It doesn't make any sense.

This woman did nothing wrong. She just wants to suck a horse's dick. Basically, she just wants to suck a big dong. So a dude will be like, I don't got a horse, but look at my fucking meat wagger. And then she'll fucking start sucking that, and then everything's fine. Or find a dog. Find something you can capture. Why'd you put it on Craigslist? That was a little dumb.

I mean, I don't know. She's looking for a farmer. Yeah. They got big schlongs sometimes. I saw one. I overheard his name was Bear today. Man, it was like the girth of his penis was the size of my fist. Are you talking about a dog's penis? Yeah. But it's pink and disgusting. It was gross, but it was huge.

Yeah, they're always flopping around like a loose hose. Well, yeah, that's true. You know, it seems like Conspiracy to Commit Bestiality Googled it, and all of the news stories that come up, Arizona. Really? Apparently, it is on the books in Arizona. Only in Arizona. Only in Arizona that I see that Conspiracy to Commit bestiality is, in fact, a prosecutable crime.

Really? Out of all the crimes? They must have had a real bestiality problem there if they had to make it a crime to even think about it. I guess so. It's probably just a bunch of politicians hanging out who all like to suck horses' dicks and be like, we've got to ban the public from doing this because they're going to get on our fucking horse dong loving. And everyone's going to be fucking taking our fucking sweet horse cum. But she just wanted to suck its dick.

She didn't actually want to fuck it. So she'd be taken down a notch. Yeah. It's not that big of a deal. I mean, they shoot a horse if it breaks its ankle after some sort of stupid Kentucky Derby or whatnot. That should be illegal. Why don't she spit the cum out and they put it in another horse's pussy

and grew no horse? There you go. Grow another horse. Now you take it on your feet. That's how it works, Dr. Eddie. The veterinarian, Mr. Larson, was real weird when it came to the insemination process.

You blow the horse and then you spit it into the girl horse. Well, there's usually not a transport system. Not necessarily a middleman necessary for that. We didn't learn it like that in vet school. I think he's just creating positions for himself so he can stay working on the farm. Which vet school did you go to, Dr. Ed? Oh, me?

I went to vet school of hard knocks, baby. You just got to hit those strings. Seems like you bought a t-shirt that said vet school hard knocks. I imagine it's probably really hard to spit cum into a mayor's pussy. Right? I mean, I guess. She's got to be asleep. Oh, yeah.

It's hard to do it. A bunch, yeah. I used to work with a crazy chick who would suck her boyfriend off. She was nuts. I thought that would work if she took the cum in her mouth, went to the bathroom, and tried to shove it up herself. She did, huh? I swear to God. Which is, like, in a way, that guy has, like, went to the bathroom, and then tried to shove it up herself. She did, huh? I swear to God.

Which is, like, in a way, that guy has, like, got to be living a great life where he's just like, this is how dumb she is. Oh, try again, honey.

Yeah, I would totally be fine with that. I think scientifically it's vaguely possible because I read a thing about this that you don't have much time, but if you can get it in there,

I would feel like it'd be very unlikely. As soon as it hits the air, it dies, though, does it not? Yeah, but what are you going to do? Spit it into your fingers and then feel like that. It'd be very unlikely. As soon as it hits the air, it dies, it does not. Yeah, but what are you going to do? Spit it into your fingers and then wipe it?

Dude, this chick was crazy, but at the same time, I'm like, well, your dude's probably loving this. Yeah. I guess you could get

a turkey baster and then kind of pull it in the bottom of your mouth underneath your tongue. You got to freeze it. No, because the bacteria killers in your mouth, they're eating that stuff all up.

So what's that girl like now? Is she a wealthy lawyer? She's doing great. You have an interesting past with some crazy people. You know a lot of crazy folks, right, Justin? I do. What's one of the craziest people you've ever met? Oh, God.

You just want one? Just one. There was a girl I was in numerous psych wards with, which is really weird. And she was like out of her mind like that was the first time I ever saw a blowjob

live was like in a psych ward she was blowing a dude the first time oh really yeah how many psych wards did you go to

seven what were the ages how old were you when you had to go to your first one twelve and then you stopped at like seventeen

yeah that's great so she was just blowing this guy right there in the psych ward. Yeah, with the door open too. Like it was like, did she get anything? So the guy, it was a mixed dorm? It was a mixed dorm? Now how many blowjobs have you seen

since then? Wait, wait, wait. I mean, I know Eddie also noticed the word first. Oh, I'm sorry. I meant like live at 14 where I was like, oh, that's a thing. And you didn't shut the door. What are you, raised in a barn first at 14 where I was like, oh, that's a thing. And you didn't shut the door.

What are you, raised in a barn, first of all? I was like, really? Shut the fucking door, at least. Gross. So you don't like watching her suck the guy off? No, I was very confused by it. It was like very different from, you know, my Cinemax porn that I was used to. Yeah.

Was the guy at least a nurse or something? Nah, it wasn't even good. And there's cameras. I don't know how they got away with it well I'm sure everyone was jacking off to them and things did you enjoy the

nah they weren't attractive it wasn't like a well you never know what these weird people are at I don't know this was just like a weird uncomfortable thing

yeah the Cinemax porn that's really slow and sensual I'd imagine this was probably like fast and dry yeah I was like ah I was just like

okay you're doing that now. And now I'll go watch the news together. There's no PC in these psych wards. You're not physical contact. You're not allowed to touch anybody, let alone blow them. Yeah, and I bet her medicine gave her cotton mouth. Well, then she claimed to be a lesbian after that. Isn't that something?

Maybe it turned her. Yeah, that'll do it. Maybe. Nice, dry, cotton- What'd you go to the psych ward for? Self-mutilation, suicide, depression. Is that the most, most of the folks in there are in there for that reason? Some, not really.

It's all depression or else their parents just can't handle them, so you try to pin something on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, I was really sane compared to everybody else. Which is weird. Like, I was like, wow, I'm doing okay. That must have been a breath of fresh air. Yeah, totally.

Yeah, it's very similar to when my parents would take me back when I was young to the fun farm. Yeah? What was at the fun farm? What the fuck is that? Just a lot of people. We'd watch the news together. There were blowjobs. They'd give us pills, you know.

Yeah. What did you do with the fun farm? Oh, burned it down. I mean, you can't be living there for too long. It gets unfun after like a couple of blowjobs Right You know I get two blowjobs

And I'm like I'm bored I'm bored They wouldn't let us put ketchup on the hot dogs there Oh that's terrible Yeah That's terrible That's the reason to burn it down Yeah

How was the food at the psych ward? Was it okay? At one of them it was really good Yeah it was super good Chicken strips all the time Oh yeah Psych ward That's good Well the short term unit ones Or the short term ones I went to were good At one of them, it was really good. Yeah, it was super good. Chicken strips all the time. Oh, hell yeah. Psych ward.

That's good. Well, the short-term unit ones, or the short-term ones I went to were good. And then I went to the state ward. That's where the blowjob happened. That food was terrible. Bad food there. Awful, awful. I had a lot of graham crackers.

Yeah. It was not living good. Did you fall in love with any guys? Of course, hello. You did? Yeah, there's no physical contact. Yeah, we play footsie and hold hands. You know, of course.

It was sneaky. Kind of romantic. I know, I feel like you'd do well at a psych ward, Ben. I'd love it. I can't. I'm 32 now. I'd just go to prison, you know? And that's not romantic.

And there's no girls there. I didn't realize that guys and girls talk to each other at psych wards. They have to. I should have gone. I was in an adolescent unit, so it wasn't the same, though. I see. I mean, I can't imagine how, you imagine how the love blossoms in an adult ward. Yeah. Hard. Seems

wild. It does seem very wild. I'd say throw them all together. Yeah, stop splitting up these kids from adults. Let's get all of them together. Oh, you want all of them together there? One big room. That doesn't seem right. That doesn't seem right. Are there beds in the room? There's beds, swing set, you know, a sink.

A locked unit like that. Yeah, sandbox. What could go wrong? Do you have any great memories from the psych ward experience? Great ones? Yeah, like anything super fun? No. Okay.

There wasn't like a time like someone like cheated at cards and everyone laughed? That's all that's sticking in my head and that'd be the great memory. Like remember this happy, joyous time? I don't know. You guys didn't go on like a boating trip and then a big Native American guy like threw a fountain through a window and none of that happened?

That would be great. That's the year. Man, I would love to know a big, silent Native American man. Oh, they're the best. Yeah. Strong, stoic. Always gotta be thinking about killing you

because you're white, though. That's funny. Totally, yeah. They should be. They're silent about it It's okay Yeah Nothing scarier Than a big Indian man

I heard they piss In the peace pipe They don't piss In the peace Who told you that The white guy pee pipe It's the peace pipe Yeah the white guy

Pees pipe Yeah it's the one They bring out When all the white guys Show up like Oh yeah yeah They pee in the pipe And they laugh

At your ass Yeah yeah You take all You have all of it you have you enjoy it's for you they were very nice

very nice that's me with my Indian accent that was it no how you doing what's going on no I'm an Indian oh man oh tragic

I'm just so happy it's not a fucking beer belly it's just a full take for a sexual I'm just so happy about that. Jackie, Native American voice.

Don't do anything Chinese. Oh, Gordon, we're going to have maize now. Maize? You know the cultural food. That's good. I thought it was Jamaican. The Zabrowski's don't

they kind of just kind of hit it all. I feel like it's slack jaw, right? Isn't that an Indian thing? It's, hey, I'm friends with the birds. That is right. Leprechaun, man, Marquez. It's what it is. It's kind of a tight looseness. Okay, tight looseness.

The Lakota people will never forget Wounded Knee. You're so good at it. Oh, you are? That's an Oregon trail gun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's like, voice on air. Thank you.

Thank you very much. That's why he earns the big bucks. That's right. Oh, yeah. For your Indian voice. All right, Marcus. What's another news story? We're done with this.

We're talking about the Pope, right? No one tell any Indians about what we just did. Oh, they're fine. Don't tell them. You don't know any fucking Indians. We have a lot of Native American listeners. Do we? Sure. There's this one guy, Malikinokanainen.

What was his name, Marcus? Malikinokanainen. Say it if you said it in the... Malikinokanainen. His last name's Arbuckle, which is weird. Well, that's fine. It's his mother's name. I love Arbuckle. It's a great last name. And I love the Native American people.

And I think their spiritualism and their culture was very, dare I say, superior. It was superior. Rich. I'd call it rich. It was rich. I've been watching Kim Burns' The West a lot lately. I just finished it earlier today. They're very smart.

I would recommend it to everyone to remember the Native Americans' plight. All they did was smoke a bunch of fucking weed, drink up, farm, harvest, and talk about spirits. And they kill each other. Oh, men. And they also were extremely violent at times. Women are hot, too.

Native American chicks are very underrated when it comes to beauty. It goes back, it's either beautiful or really good. There's no middle ground. It's sort of like the Polish.

Yeah. Same with the Native American dudes, too, though, man. You can be a fucking strong bow or you can be a fucking slow fucking knee baby. You know what I mean? Yeah. It's all over now anyway, so who cares, right? Yeah, they're all dead.

They're all either almost dead or bred out. No, they're not. They're doing good. They're not. They used to call them scoop heads because their brains were made of ice cream. That's not a racial slur. They didn't even have ice cream when everyone hated the

Native Americans so much. Man, I love a good scoop head though. Yeah. I mean, yeah, I can't even my racism sensor can't even go off because it's not even a word that I've ever It is now. Yeah, that's why it's great. That's true. That's the one you won't get

bleeped out on, Jack. Yeah. You're just making up your own slurs. You're fine then. No one can bleep that out. How many are left, Marcus? Hey, 2% of our population are Native Americans. About 5.2 million. There we go. Alright. Yeah, yeah. But, you know. That's fucking sad.

Dwindling. Yeah. We're coming back in a big way, everybody. If you're a Native American out there, start breeding, and everybody here at the Roundtable loves you, and keep on drinking. That's what I always say. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I always do. No, that's what-

Stop fucking white people. Don't fuck any black people. No, but you can breed with me. Fuck your own Indians. No. They can fuck Jackie. They can fuck Jackie. I mean, someone has to help the Zebrowski race out.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We're going down hard, man. Yeah. Just lay an egg, plant an egg in another female Indian lady. Let's get some more Indians.

Dr. Ed, thank you. Native Americans, there's something in their anatomy where if they touch their elbows together, they immediately take a shit. Really? Yeah. That's a gift.

I know, it's hard to... That's why you can't shit today. It's hard to do. Yeah, and get on that. Look at that. They're not shitting. Marcus and Ed. And Jackie literally can't do it

because her breasts are too large. And because my arms are too fat. Yeah. It's like a combination of the two. I'm going to say the breasts are too large. All right, Marcus. What's another news story? Oh, we got a story out of Salem, Oregon.

The Marion County Board of Commissioners announced late Wednesday that they're putting a stop to waste to energy facilities, to a waste to energy facilities program that was incinerating aborted babies to produce electricity. Oh, OK. You got to do something with them. That's amazing. Getting electricity. You have an abortion.

That's great. I mean, it's sort of like reincarnation in a way, isn't it? Yeah. When life gives you fucking lemons, you know, let's kill a baby and get some electricity. Yeah, sure, I've heard that. Lemons, I actually do think lemons conduct electricity as well, so yeah, it's a very good point. I didn't know you could do that, you could donate. Yeah, you can donate it.

No one told me when I had mine, I would have totally done that. It's the opposite of like when you donate your hair like locks of love. It's when you donate your abortion as locks of hate. You put it in a jar, you ship it off to Oregon, you throw it in a fire. And then it makes energy for everybody there in Oregon so they can have their wholesome patchouli parties and what they do. I saw a little bit of that Lake of Fire movie, that three-hour abortion documentary made by the guy who did American History X. The only other movie he's ever done is a three-hour black and white abortion documentary. It's intense stuff, this abortion. It's brutal.

Oh, yeah. It's not a fun process. We turned it off after they were making the baby soup. I couldn't do any more after that. Oh, when they were vacuuming it out? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They put the blender thing up in her. It's a second back.

I was watching these videos when I was six because my parents, they don't know why I love horror movies but they were so pro-life that we would watch all these videos and I've seen a bunch of babies die when I was like a baby myself and that was interesting. Ironically. Yeah, it was very bizarre.

We went to D.C. and we saw it was the world's largest pro-life rally. Bunch of baby suit pictures and then my mother told me as I was looking at one that i should be sad because that could have been my good friend she said that could have been one of your best friends which was which was interesting and i would never be friends with something that hideously ugly you know he didn't even have a hey he was like half gone you know well steve

weatherby revealed april 21st that the british columb Columbia government was sending fetal remains to a Kvanta Marion waste to energy facility to be burned along with other medical waste. I wish this was the gas they used in Back to the Future to fuel the DeLorean. You know? If you just had to go like, I gotta stop by a Planned Parenthood, do some garbage dumping.

Do some fucking dumpster raiding. You know? And then he's got a bunch of dead fetuses. Would they sell the fetuses to the company or fetuses and then this is biomedical waste the british columbia ministry of health said in an email that biomedical waste shipped to the u.s to be incinerated includes human tissue such as surgically removed cancerous tissue amputated limbs and fet fetal tissue. So yes, we are buying all sorts of medical waste from Canada to put into the power plant in Salem, Oregon. That's amazing that it runs on fucking people.

Yeah. I love that. Yeah. Energy is people. It's kind of terrible. It's kind of like the Matrix, isn't it? Why is it terrible? It's great.

It's a little terrifying. It's just going to be in a fucking landfill anyway. Might as well fucking use it. Yeah. Burn up them babies, man. Let's fucking watch some TV. How much do you get for each one? What's the cost for each one? Yeah, I'm just selling them.

That's not enough, Justine. I'm not mad about this. You're married. You're going to keep it. No, that's the whole thing is we didn't. You didn't? How would you do that? How many portions have you had?

Just one. Calm down. I'm not an animal. I got this. That's why you got to shuck it and sell it. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. At least, you know. I think they I'm not an animal. I got this. That's why you gotta shuck it and sell it. That's what I'm saying. I think they buy it by the pound. Wow, by the pound.

Well, yeah. They're going for volume here. So you want a late trimester. You want a third trimester baby. That's sad. Here's how it works. The power facility located in Brooks, just off the I-5, burns waste in two massive boilers at a temperature of about 2,000 degrees Fahrenheit. The heat transfers into water tubes, which create steam to drive the turbines, and the turbines generate electricity.

They can't do those like old potatoes or like something like that? I'm sure they use old potatoes too. I tell you what, I'm going to start mailing my loads to Con Ed. Would that work? Yeah. Do we not have to pay our Con Ed bill anymore? I don't think we will.

I'll just send with our bill. Can I put Dookie in there? I'll just put my load in there. Yeah, you throw your load in. Okay. We'll ship it out, you know. So we'll just do half off?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's great idea. That's a great idea. Yeah, if it's 60, we'll give them 30 and a couple loads. Yeah. You know, they can put that in the incinerator and, you know, there you go. That's a great idea. That's a great idea. Yeah, if it's 60, we'll give them 30 in a couple loads. Yeah.

You know, they can put that in the incinerator and, you know, there you go. That's perfect. Well, guess how many babies have been incinerated? 353. No. Way more. 90,000. No.

100. No. Two. Jesse, what do you think? A million? No. Jackie? Five million.

I'm going to say 25,000. Ed's the closest. 15,000. Well, he went over, though, so actually I won because I won 100. Playing by showcase showdown rules. Price is right. Yeah, price is right. It's always the rule when it comes to who's, yeah, whenever

there's a number that you have to guess, it's always price is right rules. That's true. I was best, though. That's fine. He was closest. Yeah. How far along were you when you had your abortion, Justy? Five weeks.

Oh, real soon. You didn't know money at all. You were like 25 cents. What was I going to do? Keep it for, I didn't know this was existing yet.

Start collecting cans. That's pathetic. That's good though. You got to get rid of that. It's nice to make the quick decision. That's why I'm against third term,

third term. It's like you got to make the decision a little bit quicker than that. Five weeks. Yeah, get rid of that kid. It's nice to make the quick decision. That's why I'm against third term. It's like you gotta make the decision a little bit quicker than that. Five weeks. Get on it. They actually can't do it if you're too early. Which is fucking terrifying. You have to pay up front and if there's something wrong with your blood or you're too early you don't get the money back. You don't get a refund?

I know, right? How scary is that? Oh my God, it's a racket. Right? So you don't know. So I'm going to start protesting out front. Wow. Parenthood unfair. Because they were giving me the ultrasound, and the woman looked at the screen like she

was concerned, and I was like, is everything okay? And she was like, yeah, you're early, but you're five weeks. Do you want to see it? And I was like, you're a bad assassin. You're bad at this job. What are you doing? Did you see it or not see it? Of course.

It's like a car accident. I'm going to look at it. Yeah, they always want you to look at it. Isn't that the new rule? Well, some states have the law where you have to do the ultrasound and things like that. So that you can think about it. It's very invasive, the ultrasound they like to do where they put a tube up into your pussy and things like that.

It's pretty bad. Take off your knickers now. Yeah, yeah. That's the thing. It's all just creepy old dudes putting tubes up inside of women. I did hear of a gynecologist who was recently busted with a ton of naked pictures of his patients. He was taking cell phone pictures of them while they were up

in the stirrups. Couldn't do anything about it. Well, this is the beginning of The Hand That Rocks the Cradle. That great movie with Rebecca De Mornay who I fucking used to crunk to on a regular basis. As did we all. Yeah, jack my fucking wheeze. I know.

Oh my God, dude. I love Rebecca De Mornay. Fucking hot, dude. Yes, she was. And that scene, well, now in hindsight, he shouldn't have taken his glove off. You gotta put a glove on when you're fingering a girl.

Yeah, you got to feel it, man. Yeah. Next story. That sounds good. A hard-up pet lover is hoping sympathizers will shell out and save Cedric his tortoise who is in agony. Shell out. With a shell out.

Kiss tortoise who is in agony. Shell out. With a... Shell out. Hard up. Who is in agony with a swollen penis. His penis is swollen. The turtle's penis is swollen. Hard up.

Shell out. We're going to shell out some cash. Shell out. You get it. Hard up. Tortoise. Tortoise. Why is this...

Why is he so hard? I don't know. No one really knows. The four-year-old spur-thighed tortoise is suffering from a prolapse of the cloaca. Did they try to jerk it off? Did they try to jerk it off? Eddie, what does that mean? A cloaca?

Yeah, it's a veterinarian. You should know. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's a big turtle dick. Oh, well, thank you for being- Cloaca. It's a cock-a-locka. It stems from- That's an American thing. Once again, you for me. Kowaka. It's a cock-a-wock-a. It stems from that.

That's an American thing. Once again, Dr. Eddie is wrong. Yes. A kowaka is what reptiles and birds have instead of penises. Oh. You're telling me that fucking alligators ain't got cocks? It's a little hooky-nubby thing. That's exactly what I'm telling you.

I don't even want to live in a world where alligators don't have cocks? Yeah. How do dinosaurs... What do they do? Dinosaurs have cloacas as well. They just shoot it out there, and the other dinosaur takes it. There's no real sex involved. It's sad, yeah.

I think that's the way that most fish do it as well. Not a lot of donks in the sea. Oh, man. That's too bad. Whales fuck. Yeah, they're whales. They're big wieners, yeah. That's too bad. Whales fuck. Yeah, they're whales. They're big wieners. That's a little bit time.

Are these kawaka pictures? Yeah, I'm sure you got some pictures of kawaka. I don't know if we need to see them. I want to see what a kawaka looks like. I suppose I'm interested. It looks like a pussy. That's an animal? But a really weird one.

What is that? That looks like a woman. That's a pussy. That's a fur-bearing animal. How does it have a kawaka? Yeah, but it's got a pussy. It does look like one. It's a fur-bearing animal. How does it have a cloaca? Yeah, but it's got a pussy. It's a cloaca. Oh, that one's got feet.

That's fun. I don't know. That's the thing. When you look it up, a thing like a cloaca on the internet, the first picture's never a nice one. No. It's always like the worst cloaca they got.

Yeah, that's what people like on the internet. They always like negative things. Am I saying it right, Marcus? Cloaca? Cloaca like The worst cloaca they got Yeah that's what people Like on the internet They always like negative things Am I saying it right Marcus? Cloaca? Cloaca Yeah Cloaca Cloaca

Yeah Cloaca Cloaca Yeah man I know my new fucking Favorite part of the chicken Yeah Jackie what do you think?

Is that better? Would you prefer that If humans made it that way? The guy just like Sprays it on you And then you can do Whatever you like with it I mean he sprays it on me anyway well yeah but you gotta you gotta

penetrate you with it and there's a whole whole process no no i need a d in the v man you like that yeah i gotta feel a whole lot of pressure inside of my uteral cavity or else you know what's the worth of living if another fist or a cuke You know? A book. I want to learn something. A fist or cucumber or a book. And it's like, you can come on me. You can take me out to dinner. But until you fucking pump that goo up inside of me, we ain't mated yet. That's a fact. That's a good point.

Well, you're a real throwback. That's what you meant when you said I've been doing a lot, a lot, a lot of reading lately. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Tiny books. Yeah. Here's an interesting thing about the cloaca, is that animals who have cloacas, that is the only hole that they have, meaning that the cloaca is used for pissing, shitting, and cumming.

And eating. That's G. I love that both of you said that at the exact same time. Well, I mean, they still eat through their mouth. That's a hole. Technically, it's a hole. You weren't thinking about that hole, Marcus. I like that. Streamline it.

There's no reason for the two-hole system. I disagree with the process. I wouldn't mind you eat with my ass. You know, sit down on a cheeseburger and, you know, watch a movie. Why not? Yeah, I mean, I like that in the mouth. Save some time. I mean, I feel like overall, women would

probably like it better. No. And no one would be going for that hole number two. No, I'm fine with all my holes. No, yeah. Yeah? You don't mind the anal sex, Justine? I don't like it. No, no, no. You hate it. Yeah. But Jackie loves it. That's fine. I'm not against it. It's just not my thing.

I got a lot of holes, you know? You got three. Yeah. She's thinking about getting a new one. Yeah. What? Yeah. Where are you going to get it?

I just, I mean, if I could fit a dick inside of my belly button. You could. I don't think I could. A little micro. There are some small ones you probably could. You think so? I feel like, you know when you put your finger too far inside of your belly button and you get that feeling in the back of your throat?

I feel like I'd throw up if a dude fucked my belly button. No. What are you talking about? I'd throw up. I can't deal with it. There's only one way to find out, Jackie. All right, guys. Who's fucking my belly hole?

Challenge. I'd do it. If I'm doing it, everyone's watching. I hope Ed doesn't do it. I don't want to see that. Jesse's going to have a flashback to the loony bin. Won't be good. Back to the turtle. Owner

Miles Jelfs only realized Cedric the Tortoise had the painful problem after adopting him from a friend Miles Jelfs only realized Cedric the Tortoise had only realized that Cedric the Tortoise had the painful problem after adopting him from a friend last week. But he says that he can't afford the $300 operation, which could involve a minor tuck or complete

amputation. Oh, God. And is hoping well-wishers will donate to help him. Let him die. I'm sorry. Let him die. I mean, is the turtle that uncomfortable with this swollen cloaca? He's very uncomfortable. He's not happy, huh? He's very unhappy.

Very, very unhappy indeed. How would you feel, Ben? If I had a swollen... If I could get my dick hard? Forever. I'd be thrilled. Forever? Yeah, just once would be nice.

You could just take a lot of Viagra and do that. Yeah, I suppose so. Well, Mr. Jelfs, he says that it's going to be causing him a lot of pain, And you can tell when he walks that it's not very comfortable for him. Poor little guy. Wait, it's only $300 too? It's not that expensive. No, that's just a... I don't know.

$300. And then there's the follow-up appointments and the medication and all that. Is it something that if you jerked off the turtle that it would fix? No. It's like a little disease in there. Some turtles got to die. That's it, little disease in there. Some turtles gotta die. That's it, man. 300 bucks?

First of all, if you don't have 300 bucks, you got no business owning a tortoise. Yeah. Maybe like a little stupid side-neck turtle or something, but not like a fucking tortoise.

That's true. I mean, they eat a lot of leftovers and garbage and things. Good for compost. Is that what they do? But this guy probably should be compost himself. Send him to Oregon, right? What noise do you think this turtle makes? No, no, no, this is England. Is that what they do? But this guy probably should be compost himself.

Send him to Oregon, right? What noise do you think this turtle makes? But yeah, I mean, we just send him to the aborted babies. Help me, help me.

That's what the tortoise sounds like? Yeah. It was hard. It's sad. You ever run over a tortoise before? Oh,

it's a large crack. I used to try to convince my friends not to do it. Growing up, and maybe this is probably true for all of us small town folks growing up, people used to try to convince my friends not to do it. Growing up, and maybe this is probably true for all of us small town folks growing up, people used to try to hit the varmints that run across the road and shit. And a lot of these dumb shits ended up hitting their cars into a tree.

They ended up running their cars into trees. As well as they should. I don't know. I don't take with all that, Ballyhoo. I don't like it. I saved a turtle's life one time and it was in the middle of the road. I just got kicked out of school for fighting. And then on the way home, I saved a turtle's life and I felt It was in the middle of the road. I just got kicked out of school for fighting. And then on the way home, I saved a turtle's life, and I felt like I didn't do anything wrong that day.

There's a reason for everything. That's very nice. Yeah. Who were you fighting with, Eddie? It's this big kid. Oh, I thought it was a lunch lady situation. No, no, no. He didn't have gruel or something. No, no, no, no.

I never talked to them. I just screamed at them. Yeah, what did the... Yeah, more, more, more. More, more, more. Gimme, gimme, gimme. I take, I take. Hungry, Eddie hungry. What was

the kid doing that you had to beat up, Eddie? He was just being a prick? Oh, yeah, he was an asshole. I've talked about it on the other show, The Brighter Side. The Brighter Side, yeah. By the way, check that out. It's a great show. Everyone's raving about it. Oh, really? Yeah, they love it. Good, good. I've heard no one say anything about it. But I'm talking about it.

No one talks to you, though. That's the problem. There's a reason for that. Yeah. I hit a dog one time. Yeah? Yeah. How big was it?

It was pretty big. It dented the fuck out of my car, and it got out, and I couldn't find it. So there's blood in my car. It ran to a bush to die. Yeah, and I couldn't find it, and I just sat on the side of the road just crying for hours. You were upset. Yeah, of course I fucking was. I thought you wanted to find it to hunt it down and eat it. No, I wanted to save it.

I would have fucking done anything to fucking save it. I still feel guilty about it. Maybe he lived. Maybe. Probably not. There's a bunch of blood in her car. She hit a dog with a car. I'd rather hit a person than a dog. Me too. A gun for people. I remember one time I was in the car with my dad. He accidentally hit a person than a dog. Me too. A gun for people. I remember one time I was in the car with my dad. He accidentally hit a kid on a bicycle.

And the kid fell down. And my dad's like, oh my god. He looked at my dad and he's like, you okay? The kid was scraped up. And he's like, you're fine. Go home. You're fine. That's funny.

I just remember this story. My mom just got our white station wagon cleaned. It was a piece of shit station wagon. And we had to pick up my dog Polar Bear from the barking lot. Which is a fun little thing, the barking lot. Barking lot. But she didn't want to get his white fur all over the newly cleaned car. And she dragged it outside of the car going like 15 miles an hour the whole way home.

But she didn't realize Polar Bear stopped running about halfway down, you know, to the way to the house. So when she came into our driveway, he was all bloody. This was your dog? Yeah, this was my Polar Bear. And my mom's, I was going so slow. I thought he could keep up. And he's like, no, Mom.

He was a fat, domesticated dog. And his paws were just like caught. I was he could keep up. And he's like, no, mom. He was a fat domesticated dog. And his paws were just like, I was very mad at my mom. And I put little bandages on him. He lived. Yeah, he was fine. I mean, he wasn't fine-fine. He was traumatized. Yeah, because he wanted to not, but you can't stop a car when you're a dog.

What's the statute of limitations on this? We've got to lock up your fucking mom. I was 10 years old. It was 22 years ago. Of all the stories I've heard about you, Kissel, I think this is the one that explains why you're so fucked up. I'm not fucked up. I'm well-adjusted. My mother was doing this. Yeah, I think it's that one.

I'm the well-adjusted one. My mother ran over an alligator one time in Florida. That's cool, though. She was screaming. It was all fucking flopping around and fucking snapping. Eddie! Eddie! She's like, what are we? I was like three. Yeah. It was all fucking flopping around and fucking snapping. Eddie, Eddie. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's like, what are we?

I was like three. Yeah. It was wild times. She still wanted you to fix the situation, though. Yeah, she's like, go out, go see if it's okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I had a little baby deer. You did?

Yeah, it sucked. Those are easy to hit. Yeah, yeah. Very easy. It just ran out right into the road, and I tried to swerve, but I got him in his hind legs and then, like you, your thing... You're pointing at me.

Jackie Zebrowski. He went into the woods to die. To probably cry to his mother who was not around and die. Saw a cat get hit by a car once and ran up a tree and died up there. Isn't that interesting? How'd it get up the tree?

It was just adrenaline, I guess. I'm doing what it loves. Justy, you ever kill an animal? No, my sister's hit several deer in total. So many cars. Oh, yeah. They're violent creatures, these deer. They cut out into the road.

If you get a moose, though, you're done. Oh, yeah. Or a cow. Or a horse. Yeah. Nah, you might be able to do this. A cow or a horse. Chase, are you okay, Jackie? You have a little bit of a belch problem.

No, no, I'm fine. I like this round table, but it's a little bit more peaceful, but I feel like we're just hanging out with our listeners. Hello. Hello. Fuck you. Don't say that, Holden. This is one of our most peaceful episodes. This is one of the most peaceful shows we've ever done.

I just feel like we're all taking turns. Usually there's a dude with a sword swinging around trying to make things. I mean, I'm learning a lot. Yeah. Well, that's the whole point of the show. So people feel like they're hanging out with their friends drinking brews. So I hope crack a beer. If you haven't had a beer yet and you're listening, have a beer now. I think I'd like to

promote my new parody album. Oh, that's great. Take the time to do that. Jamming down in the Holdenation. It's just a lot of like, luck, be a Holdenator tonight. You're just taking Frank Sinatra songs and putting Holdenator on. That's why the lady is a Holdenator. Well, again, I think that's actually copyright, though. I think that's...

I'm pretty excited about that. They will cost $100 a piece. Really? A song? One song will cost $100 a piece. Really? A song? One song will cost? No, there will be like two and a half songs on there, depending on, or maybe three if I get around to finishing the third one. The third one.

What's the third one? The third one is, that's why the lady is a, but instead, that's why the Holdenator is a tramp. I just switched lady and tramp. So you know two songs to break the notch of that. You're just going to put Holdenator in for different words. I'm itchy all over. Yeah, you're feeling itchy? Yeah.

Well, you got a bad sunburn. Yeah, and all my skin is peeling off. Jesus, Jackie. Put your tits away. Yeah, Jackie just revealed her bosoms to us, and yeah, you have to cover those up, number one, and keep the skin on there yeah man skin's coming off i feel all lizard like what do you always say about tits you know you gotta have

skin jackie skin on tits i've heard that jackie what's up with the dog man how are we doing with the dog you just went home the family dog big fat dog oh my god it's so big you can barely stand up and my mom goes isn't it so. It can barely stand up. And my mom goes, isn't it so cute? She can barely stand up. What's the name? Her name is Gracie Mae. We know Gracie Mae. Yeah, and so Gracie Mae is even bigger than at Christmas. She's gotten fatter.

And then my father said, you know, she barks and she barks. And so we give her treats. So she stops barking. And, you know, she's gonna die pretty soon. We're just waiting. And he's like, good. That's what we say about you.

That's great. Man, that dog is so big. You gotta take a picture next time you go home, man. Oh, God. Come on. Give me what I need. I need to see this picture.

Yeah. Tell your mom to send a picture. It ain't gonna make it to Christmas. All right, you're right. I need to see this picture. Yeah. Tell your mom to send a picture. It ain't going to make it to Christmas. All right, you're right. I don't think it will. You know? Yeah, please. I have to see a picture of this dog.

What do you think it weighs? 100 pounds? She said that she just got back from the vet and that she was 155 pounds. Oh, my. Didn't the vet say they wouldn't look at her anymore? They wouldn't. Well, she found a new vet. hounds. Didn't the vet say they wouldn't look at her anymore?

Well, she found a new vet. And they put out more beds in the house because she can't travel very far so they want to be able to wherever she stops walking that she can lay on a bed. So there's dog beds all over the house.

Every room has a huge dog bed. And I'm just like, you gotta stop. She's like, well, you know, we don't have you guys anymore. It's your fault. It's your fault.

It's my fault. Imagine how big you would be if you still lived at home. Oh my God. Oh my God. Would you like it? No, of course not. I felt like my bulimia

just immediately comes back because I just like, eat, eat, eat, and you have to fucking throw it all up just to make her happy. There's that Jesus picture and all. Yeah, you know, a lot of guilt. And now it's time for a segment from Hope McNeely. No, don't.

Justy, this is the worst part of the show. Cable show, what do you know? Cable show. Is it a channel or a show? It's a channel It's a whole channel So now everyone knows We know about it beforehand I didn't know about it

I always forget It's a channel show I had no idea It's a channel show? It's an entire Marcus owns the cable news How stoned are you? How much did you smoke today? Just so much weed Marcus owns the cable news. How stoned are you?

How much did you smoke today? Just so much weed. Your face just looks like it's shut off. Oh, don't touch me. You need a channel. You need a channel for this. You need a channel for this segment. No, channel. You need a channel for this segment. No, I hate it because it's dumb because you didn't think about it all day.

It's a channel on your cable box, Marcus. Time out. You get time out, Holden. He's on time out. Yeah, he's on fucking time out. Do we have any more news stories? Let's do another news story. Holden's not ready yet.

I'm fucking ready to go. Go on time out. I'm hard. I'm ready to fuck. Let's do this. What's another news story. Holden's not ready yet. I'm fucking ready to go. Go on timeout. I'm hard. I'm ready to fuck. Let's do this. What's another news story, Marcus? We can talk for a little bit longer. A middle school teacher is facing a felony charge after she allegedly gave a student

a lap dance for his birthday. All right. Can I do my- This is a great story. That's a great story. This is a great- We're going to skip over this story. Teacher of the year.

Wonderful woman. Gave a lap dance. That's amazing. story. How are we going to skip over this story? Teacher of the year. Wonderful woman. Gave a lap dance. That's amazing. I love this woman. Felicia Smith, 42, is charged with improper relationship with a student after an incident that occurred in her classroom back in February. According to court documents, a 15-year-old student entered the classroom and said it was his birthday. birthday he said the other students encouraged him to sit in a chair in the front of the room where smith allegedly performed a full contact lap dance to music lasting about four minutes love it king of the school i love her this kid's so cool very cool guy wow never even have money

that's right just a kid just a student wow so you like this teacher, Eddie? I think the whole situation's great. I got no problem with this. No, she was just showing that she still got it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's 42. She could have been considered salty. Yeah, yeah. She is fucking salty. She's salty. Oh, jeez.

She's very attractive. Mama! I want to kiss that fucking pucker face. She was just having fun. You can't get mad at her. She gave that kid the afternoon of his fucking life. She's so tall, too.

She's like six feet tall. Damn. The way I look at this, this woman's owed money by the kid's parents. I agree. Someone get her 25 bucks. Yes. 25?

You're going for the more expensive lap dance. If I'm going to get a lap dance, I want it to be a 25-hour lap dance. Really? Yeah, I don't want no $10 lap dance. No, no, no. I'm going 20, though. No, no, no. Give them a little extra.

Get the extra five. They have more fun. We talked about this last week. She's a very attractive gal. She sort of looks like, what's the name of Will Smith's wife? Jada Pinkett. She sort of looks like Jada Pinkett Smith a little bit. Marcus, this reminded me. We did a live last podcast on The Left Show.

We had some fans down here, and they introduced us to daggering. Marcus, show Eddie the daggering video if you can find it. Daggering is very strange. Explain it to me first. Daggering is a very aggressive form of bumping and grinding. It's theatric Explain it to me first. A daggering is a very aggressive form of bumping and grinding. All right.

And it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it Marcus, there's a great- This guy's holding a power tool. There's a great WWF one as well. Wow.

So he just spins her around. She hit a bar stool there. But she's having fun, and he put her hat on her. Like a gentleman. Oh, my God. Bam! Now, this guy jumped off of a guard. Oh, and he's going back for another one.

And he goes back for another one. Wow, man. He's another one. He's primarily jumping on women with their dick first. For those listening on Google, Jamaican club daggering dance commented by Jim Ross. This woman has a walker. Yeah, she's got a walker. Man, she can't even, he won't even let her do it.

Wow. Oh, my God. Man, put this on the page. Everyone needs to see this. Oh, yeah. Andy Org showed this to us. Andy Org. Man, this is great.

Orgy Org. Orgy Org. I love this. It's O-G-R-E. I never know how Man, this is great. Orr G. Orr. Orr G. Orr. It's O-G-R-E. I never know how to say his name. I don't either. Orr. I feel like dancing's done now because of daggering. Because it gradually got sexier and sexier over the course of 50 years.

It was starting with Elvis shaking his hips to daggering now. Now you're just trying to fuck through pants. Yeah, trying to fuck through pants. I don't have enough ass to get daggered. I feel like it would have hurt. Are you sure? I think you've got

a big enough hole. I mean, I got a big hole, sure. I think the guy will get lost in there. Yeah. Where'd he go? It's like trying to have sex with Lake Okeechobee.

That's right. Lake Okeechobee. That's a great reference. You can see it from space. That's from space. You can see your butthole, Jackie. That's what Ed was saying when he said your asshole

looked like Lake Okeechobee. Yeah, but I'd rather that than Lake Champion. That's right space. You can see your butthole, Jackie. That's what Ed was saying when he said your asshole looked like Lake Okeechobee. Yeah, but I'd rather that than Lake Champion. That's right, Jackie. That's a good point. Do you like that, Jesse? That bumping and grinding stuff? You like that on the dance floor? No.

You don't like it engroped? That is horrifying. Yeah, horrifying, huh? I'm down to dry hump, though. Dry hump, it's fine. Yeah, man. Dry hump, you know you want. Don't fucking make me think you're going to hurt me.

No, especially, I just can't. It's not good for either one. No. Ain't no fun. Guys likeump, though. Jaihump, it's fine. Yeah, man. I don't know what you want. Don't fucking make me think you're going to hurt me. No, especially, I just can't. It's not good for either one. No. It ain't no fun. Guys like it, though. It's a spectator sport. It's a lot of fun to watch. People are going to get hurt.

It was great. Things are going to get damaged. When that guy jumped off of the McDonald's garbage can, the little thing there, I thought that was really fascinating stuff. It reminded me of Jimmy Snuka. Yeah. When he jumped off the top ropes in that cage match

at Madison Square Garden. Look at you. You already put it on the page. We're in the middle of the show. Good job. Thank you. Hey, Marcus, you're pretty good at this stuff.

Thank you. Speaking of being good at stuff, let's see if Holden's got any of his fucking shit to get into. Is the time out over? Time out is over. It's time for a segment with Holden. Whoa, he's dead.

A segment with Holden McNeely. It's time for a segment with Holden. He's a special kind of guy. You want to take him home tonight. Holden. Yeah. That's good. I'm on board now.

Ever since daggering became the new dance craze, Holdnators Ho, we need to come up with our own dance craze. Marcus runs the Dance Corporation, and he has millions and billions of dollars, and you have to come up with a special dance that will make him put you in the VP position. We're changing the whole thing. Oh, yeah. You really outdone yourself. Yeah. Unbelievable. Time thing. Oh, yeah. You really outdone yourself. Yeah.

Timeout's good, I guess. He's a pretty amazing guy. Everybody wonders why. I think that's true. So, I will start with a new idea. Yes. It's called

the Sammy Little. Okay. Guy with the smallest penis walks to the middle of the dance floor. We cut a tiny hole in his pants. He puts his tiny penis out, right? Everybody does the point and laugh. They circle him around. I'm doing the point and laugh and everything, right?

And then at the end, they just fucking punch him in his cock and they punch him in his face, and someone lights a match, and they set the whole fucking place on fire, and everyone burns alive. On fire, all right. The Sammy Little. Sammy Little, very good. Somebody's answer's gonna be better than the other answers. That's true, that's true.

And I tip my hat to the Sammy Little. Marcus, I'm sure, does as well. No, I do not. That would kill all That's true. And I tip my hat to the Sammy Little. Marcus, I'm sure, does as well. No, I do not. That would kill all of my customers. Sammy Little might win. He might. He might. Are you ready to go next, Justy?

Do a dance craze phenomenon you want to talk about, Justy? I have no idea what's going on, though. This is a segment. At the end of every episode, we do one segment. It's always brought up by Holden McNeely. Ben, give us an example. Give us your answer. Well, I don't even know.

I was thinking something like buffering, where it's just like you're with a girl and you're dancing and then everybody stops moving. Because they're buffering. Because they're buffering. That was very creative for you. Thank you. Thank you. I mean, it still you. Thank you. Thank you.

I mean, it still wasn't good. No, bad. I could be more creative, but I like to see my friends succeed, Justy. So do something like that. So we have to basically just create a dance. Yeah, you just create a dance. So mine's like, you're dancing, you're dancing, but now you're buffering. And you stop moving.

I kind of like it, actually, now I'm thinking about it. It's kind of fun. And whatever position you're. It's kind of fun. Does the music stop? Well I suppose so. I guess it has to stop. But maybe the music goes to a buffering sound. Which I don't even know what that is. Buffering doesn't make a sound. It's silent. That's buffering.

My brain just shut off. That's what buffering. Yeah. My brain just shut off. That's what buffering would sound like, I think. So, yeah. And then that's... So, that's my little dance. Yeah. Jesse?

Oh, God. This is so much pressure. It's a lot of pressure. I don't like these ones. Yeah. They're all bad. Everything we say is bad. So, it doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter. You can say whatever you want. Nothing's good. Nothing's ever good. Do something like the squirter dance. Do something like a squirting. Everyone fucking... What if you do the anxiety

panic attack dance and everyone just leaves? That's good. That's great. I don't know. You guys, this was terrifying. I felt like I got

invited into a trap. No, no, no. We like it. We're in. Yeah, yeah. Exactly. Now it's time for the saddest worst part

when Jackie gives her answer to... No, I don't want to have anything. ...the segment. That's right. Nobody wants to hear the answer. Oh, dingo bugger. I love it. It's time for me to answer right now.

Here we go, Jackie. We're going to call it fluttering. All right? So you start and you cocoon them. You cocoon them. You put your arms around them. And you rub them hard up and down. So it feels like they're in a cocoon.

They get them scared. But really, you're just getting them ready to become a butterfly. So you hard rub, hard rub, hard rub. Let them go. And then they flap out flap out flap out and then they take their suckers and then they get your pollen get your pond get your pond and they just no no they lick they do tiny fast licks all over your body yeah so you get the and then so it's fluttering yeah i like that it It's fluttering. Okay. So. So you just want to eat your pussy on the dance floor.

No, no, no, no. It's like flicks of tongue at like your arm and then at your breast. I don't know. How you guys aren't getting this? This is very self-explanatory. Thank you. Okay. Yeah.

All right. Pissing. Ed's always pissing, shitting, and farting. What's your answer, Ed? That's true, though. Mine is, it's That's true, though. Mine is called The Sandwich. Yeah, and so basically, you know, it starts off where, you know, there's really good music playing. Maybe some ACDC or something like that.

So bad music. You're jamming. Okay, continue. Okay, ACDC. That shit was a knife. Really intense. So anyway, so you're listening to your fucking ACDC that shit was a knife really intense so anyway so you're listening

to your fucking ACDC oh poor guy is all hurt yeah yeah sad alright but anyway so you're listening

to your ACDC then you go and you're like you know what I'm hungry I'm gonna get a sandwich you go you make a sandwich

any kind of sandwich will really do I prefer an Italian hero sure great stuff you know you had one an italian hero sure it's great you know you had one today i did i was thinking about it you know some lettuce some onion capicola genoa salami salami maybe a little ham you know some oil and vinegar oh yeah you listen acdc and you eat that sandwich not a dance i mean it's a dance if you call it a dance. That's right.

That's right. It's just lunch. It's a human experience. Yeah, you're describing that's just lunch. I do the sandwich. When I dance, I do the sandwich. Yeah. And so you want to watch me dance? You're going to have to come over, and I'm going to fucking make a sandwich, and I'm

going to eat it, and I'm going to enjoy myself and I call it dancing. And so fuck anyone who doesn't agree with that. I will say though, not an actual dance. Not even close. It's a dance. Well, it's a sandwich. I like move my shoulders around. Man, I just want a sandwich.

I mean, it's closer. I mean, I'm going with fluttering. Yeah, wow. Fluttering, huh? That is a surprise win for me. Oh, no, I love fluttering. Really? Came out of nowhere.

Although the Sammy Little is a close second. Yeah, you coward. And I thought the buffering thing was pretty good, yeah. All right, well, that's the round table. No, you could dance at my house. We don't want to eat your sandwiches. Yeah, you're just making your fluttering. I wouldn't eat a sandwich.

If you make me a sandwich, I'll eat it. I'll dance with you. Thank you, Jackie. Can we listen to Skinner instead of ACDC? Yeah. Of course. Well, that changes the whole thing., Jackie. Can we listen to Skinner instead of ACDC? Yeah. Of course. Well, that changes the whole thing. Ed wins.

Why don't you like fucking ACDC? I mean, they're fine. What do you mean they're fine? They're fine. All right, beer belly kissle. It's not a beer belly. Oh, fuck no. Yeah.

On June 1st, we're doing a roast of Marcus Parks. So come down for that here at the Creek in the Cave. What time is it at? At 8? 8 o'clock. 8 o'clock, June 1st. Get here at the Creek in the Cave. What time is it at? Eight? Eight o'clock. Eight o'clock, June 1st. The Roaster Market is barred. Get here at seven so we can drink.

Yeah, of course. I also want to throw it out there. The first person that can prank call Ben Kissel on his personal phone number gets a Twitter shout out from a Holdenator Holden. That's right. You don't have a Twitter account. Yes, I will create one for you. If you can get Ben Kissel's personal

phone number and prank call him, you win an award. Yeah, and I think I've said my phone number sometime during this podcast. We've done about 300 episodes now. I'd give it out. I don't want your number. No, don't give it out. Don't bother. Should we give it out? I think we should. So that's Jackie at Jack the Worm

on Twitter. Eddie, what's next, Ed? What's your Twitter, Justy? Justy Dodge. That's what I am. I'm just Ben Kissel as well, and that's Marcus Parks. And we got a dog shit on Thursday. Come on down 29th Street between 6 and 7. 715-252-26, and the last two digits are up to you.

Wow. All right, that's good. That's not bad. That's nice. Yeah, not bad. But he gave out a lot of the numbers, though. Most of them. Just message me or Jackie for the last two.

Yeah, if you have our numbers, I'll give you Kissel's numbers. I still don't have Kissel's numbers. If you guess it right on the round table page, the last two numbers, then I will like your comment and then you can call me. Ugh. I mean, you... You took it away. Yeah, you don't want that. Come on.

What? This isn't going to be... This isn't going to work. No one wants to be excited to talk to somebody. So you can't prank them. He's just happy to have a conversation.

You're going to hate it when Kissel calls you because I do. No, you don't. He'll call you over and over. You prank call Kissel, he gets your number. So who is actually, you know, getting pranked? I'll call you over and over. He gets your number. So who is actually getting pranked?

I'm pranking the prankers, man. All right, guys. We'll talk to you soon. Thanks. Thank you.