The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 197: Orgy at the Burn Ward

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

This week on Round Table: a man wrapped up like a burrito behind a Taco Bell gets arrested for meth possession, the son of Lobster Boy speaks out for the first time about his father's murder, and a prankster in Minnesota pulls one over on the establishment. Joining us today: Amber Nelson, Adam Newman, and Katherine Timpf!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay down, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! Yes! It's time for action, gentlemen.

Gentlemen of the round table. What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Beautiful. Well, that's good. Well, Eddie Prave. All right. gentlemen. Always civility. Beautiful. Well, that's good. Well, Eddie, pray. All right. In the name of the Father, and of the Son,

and of the Holy Spirit. Amen. All right. Dear God, please, I know this is getting old for you, but please strike Holden with lightning. Ooh.

Holdenators help. Every day I do this and he still walks the earth and no one knows why you let him live. People are starting to say that you don't exist because he's alive. The world needs the wicked ones. You must defeat him. We can't do it. I've tried. I've poisoned him 17 times, and he's fine.

So please, God. Yeah, you made him stronger, probably. Lightning to the brain of Holden McNeely. In the name of the Father, and of the Son. That's the best prayer ever. Holy spirit. That was the only prayer nobody laughed over, Wow, that's the best prayer ever. Holy Spirit. That was the only prayer nobody laughed over because it was the first time they ever took it seriously. We're all praying along quietly.

Welcome to the round table of gentlemen, everybody. All right, sit in for Jackie Zebrowski. Amber Nelson. Lightning strike, coolest way to go. That's right. Lightning strike. Coolest way to go. That's right. Ed Larson, I had an eye doctor I knew got struck by lightning

and he died in front of his daughter. Oh, wow. Oh, wow. This is when you laugh right after you say it. That's right. God got him. They got him good. Did you order the strike yet?

No, I didn't. He was nice to me. He gave me free eye surgery. What if his name was also Holden and God just got it wrong? Yeah, he did nothing but was a good person. He still got struck by lightning. And I'm still alive. Home neighbors. Ho!

And the Rosenbows. That's a death. His daughter's going to turn into a superhero, though, after witnessing that. Oh, man. That's the way I'm going down, man. Someone's going to avenge their fucking dad. And that's going to be righteous when they fucking show up with this fucking samurai sword. Hey, all my holding haters.

Not my holding haters. All right. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. You're done. All right.

Who else is here? The one with the television show. Bird Luger. Annabelle. As're done, you're done. All right, who else is here? The one with the television show. Bird Luger and the bell. As we said, wearing shorts today. Real different. Disgusting, though, with these shorts. I don't like them. Yeah, I don't like you in shorts.

I'm wearing shorts, too. My first shorts day. You're fine with shorts because everyone knows you're ugly. What's wrong with me in these shorts, dude? No, it's because you don't look good. Your legs are bad. My legs are bad. He's got good legs.

Well, no, I got hurt legs. They've been hurt for a long time. What do you mean? Bad in appearance? I think that they physically look bad to women. Wow. I'm serious. That's why I don't wear shorts. I'm sure I could walk down the street and a bunch of chicks would be real excited about these legs,

man. What's the scar on your knee? Oh. A bunch of nurses. Doctors. I had a bunch of nurses. Doctors. I had a bunch of surgeries on my legs. You gotta wear pants. No, man. Alright.

Just for that, I'm wearing shorts all fucking year, man. You're wearing them? Yeah. That's fine. Winter time is going to be four degrees. Bird Luger in shorts, man. Yeah, that's nice. How's filming of your television show going?

It's been good, man. Yeah, that's nice. How's filming of your television show going? It's been good, man. Yeah. Very good. All right, Adam Newman, you're also here. Yeah, thanks for having me. Thanks for being here. How you doing? I'm doing pretty good.

Yeah. Yeah, I ate a shrimp burrito, and then you guys asked me to be on the thing, so I'm glad I showed up. Well, that's the whole backstory, huh? Yeah. And then we got this gal, Catherine. How do you say her last name? Timph.

Timph. Catherine Timph. Timph is here as well. Yes, yes. Thank you for being here. Do you call your fans Timphomaniacs? I don't, but I should. Yeah, definitely.

Well, now. All right. Thank you. You're welcome. I'm Ben Gisselin. Marcus Parks with the news. Marcus, what's our stories, buddy? An Australian man who blew himself up after a lengthy standoff with police

has had his property scoured by explosive specialists amid fears he may have booby-trapped his wife's grave. Oh, my gosh. Good idea, guys. I love it. Yeah, yeah. Fuck you for trying to dig up my life. Tell death to his car.

That'd be such a bonkers job to be like a booby trap inspector, you know? Yeah. Always like getting hung upside down and shit, you know? Always killing war stories. Get your pants cut off and stuff. Is it like bear traps and stuff? Or like, what is it with? No, it's explosives.

That's not booby trapped. That's terrorism. Booby traps, I think like Home Alone with Cully Culkin. It's a bunch of micromachines on the grave, and if you step on it, you hurt your foot really bad. You never know what he's doing with a couple gallons of paint. Gonna get chicken feathers on you. It's booby-trapped. It's back there.

It has, like, five fingers. on you. The Booby Trap inspector has like five fingers. When we were growing up, Booby Trap was like the most likable form of terrorism. He's always covered in paint. Yeah. I feel like Booby Trap should always be cute. It's just cute.

Glenn Sanders blew himself up on April 12th, killing himself, injuring two police officers and obliterating his home. Investigators have told the coroner's court that Sanders was wearing a vest bra that contained explosives, which he accidentally triggered when lifting his shoulders in

surprise at hearing an initial blast within his home. So he bought a suicide vest. Yeah. But he didn't read the directions. He did not. He put it on and was still surprised it went off. Yeah. But he didn't read the directions. He did not. He put it on and was still surprised it went off. Yeah. Covered all these explosives. Why is it blowing up?

What happened now? You know, he just was shrugging. I was like, I don't care. You also feel like he compensated for the fact he was putting it on a bra. Yeah, but it was full of explosives. Nothing gay about that. This does not make me a chick, man.

The locals are now fearful Sanders may have planted explosives in and around his wife's grave in the nearby cemetery. I like this, though. Protect your wife even when she's dead. Fuck till death do we part. Even when you're gone, I'll protect you. Yeah. Well, it's romantic. The only thing is that if someone sets off the booby trap, the grave still explodes and the wife goes everywhere.

Yeah, that's great. I mean... The only thing is that if someone sets off the booby trap, the grave still explodes and the wife goes everywhere. What do you think, Catherine? You want your husband to defend you until you die? I really do. I would love that kind of attention. I'm not going to lie. I'll be really pissed if I don't have booby traps. Although, I kind of don't even want to be in a grave. That's kind of weird.

What do you want to have happen to you? I'm not going to die. Science will figure out how to make me live forever. That's true. My mother changes it. Every time I see her, she always tells me a different thing she wants me to do. Oh, no. What does Mama Kathleen want you to do?

At first, she was like, don't ever burn me. Do not burn me. So we'll put you in a grave. She's like, I don't want to go on the ground. The worms will eat me. Does she know she's dead? It's like, so what do you want?

I want to be frozen. I want to be frozen. Ooh, that's not bad. You want frozen, and you want space. Shoot her out into space. You want her,

you want Mama Kathleen shot out into space. Yeah, I think that'd be fucking great. Put her in a cannon or something of that nature and shoot her out into fucking space.

You know what? Yeah, shoot my ass out into fucking space. Yeah, yeah, yeah. ass out in a fucking space. In space, no one can hear you scream, which is good for me because when I scream, I sound like this. No!

I'm just pretty half-assed, though, I think. Yeah. I was trying, well, I don't want to, you know. You said too many variables. Yeah, space, man. What are the variables? Are you going't bump into the moon who gives a shit down there's a lot of variables you don't know where you're gonna end

up man you get burnt you're in space by all types of rocks yeah you give me a space which is cool but then what's gonna happen you might get frozen burnt hit by rocks you might fall back into earth in the ocean sharks will eat you you don't know where you're gonna end up that's a good point you decompose still right no no i would be cool with having sharks eat me if i would be on the discovery channel and be like famous yeah yeah yeah yeah after i'm already dead act like it was the shark that did it i'm calling you a Timph from now on do it

oh I love it I feel like I'm talking to a Disney character hey Timph when is my penis gonna grow when's the hair gonna sprout around

that all the boys are telling me about oh the one that I never got to see cause my gay older brother was watching it it was called Pinocchio's Revenge

he was always telling people they were lying and by that he got a big boner yeah boner he got in sex it was called Pinocchio's Revenge he was always telling people they were lying and by that he got a big boner it was a boy it was a man having sex with a woman I want my skeleton to be in a classroom and I want my kids to fuck with me for all eternity

that's fun you can't decompose in space? no you cannot how do we know that? how many dead bodies do we have up there? there's no organisms to crush your body up.

So your shit will just stay intact forever. I don't get how that works. Yeah, they just float around forever. Really? Wow. So it's actually very similar.

You wouldn't be frozen. Yeah. It's very similar to being frozen. I want them to microwave my brain when they figure out how to do that. Bring me back to life.

Make a little hot pocket. I just keep crushing it. But if you fly towards the sun or i'm saying you know or like a star you know then you burn up variables that's a good point or in like 2 000 years like a spaceship could be flying by and you could just like crash into their window shield or something and it's like yeah see i'm thinking you you end up frozen right, right? Because if you float away from the sun, and then, like, Asteroid Field, bonk into one, shatter into a fucking thousand pieces, it's badass.

That's pretty cool. It's not bad. Not if it's not on video. That's the thing, though. It's got to be a world star. On the GoPro that's streaming. That'd be the best part. Yeah, you get a GoPro on my fucking lifeless head

and just stream, live stream the event. I want that, too. I want that, too. When Vice runs out of all ideas, HBO season like 93, send Holden to space with a GoPro, watch him die hopefully. Yeah, I just want to be with him.

Hey, I can breathe out here. This is crazy. He just does better than ever. Wow, I can finally be myself. All right, so what happens when you just go into outer space and you die? Like, do you suffocate? I mean, does your head explode? Is it like... happens when you just go into outer space and you die? Like, do you suffocate?

I mean, does your head explode? Is it like a total recall when your eyes pop out of your head? Well, I think that's if the mask breaks and you're on Mars. Well, if the mask breaks, that's a depressurization thing. Sure. Like, that's what that's all about. If you just die out in space, so you're just jettisoned out there, you'll just freeze and just float off. Yeah.

You can survive, like, three seconds without a suit. Yeah. out there you'll just freeze and just float off. Yeah. You can survive like three seconds without a suit. Yeah. And there's like a little tiny organism I forget it starts with an M

but it can survive in space. You're kind of like a space Moses. They're just going to send you out there. Yeah. Yeah.

Maybe you'll land on a planet and you become a god. Yeah. That'd be great. Yeah. They can find a way to get you back to health.

Finally I get some fucking respect. You have enough. By the fucking moon men. You have far too much respect. By the neetos or whatever the fucking race is named. I don't care, man. Squash them like bugs.

I hope they are bugs. Anyways. Well, back to the story. Sanders was reportedly highly distressed by the loss of his wife, occasionally sleeping beside her grave. According to this newspaper, he also believed he was being followed by police and government agencies

and that his neighbors were plotting against him. Of course they were. On the day of his death, police had indeed been monitoring his family farm. The coroner's court heard that police moved in to arrest him over a false imprisonment incident that occurred the day before. What was that?

Sanders left his house through a rear door and approached police officers stationed within an armored car. An explosion from within the house appeared to surprise Sanders, in which he then exploded himself. It doesn't say what the... He likes explosives. ...falsome prison... He's getting the vibe.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, he loves explosives. I feel like that's the story. The man was holding somebody against their will with his blow-up bra? Yeah. Their Nalum residents have described Sanders as a nice man.

Of course. Although concerns were raised after he began walking through the town with explosives strapped to his chest. That's when they started. He's got that bomb

on his chest. He's called 411 on him. And they say began walking around. So was this something that happened over a period of days or weeks? Can't you just do it one time for like 10 minutes

before they arrest you and don't let you do it again? I think so. This is Australia though. People just have bombs and shit. Why do they keep saying bra? Why did he get a bra instead of a female version? Because he missed his wife.

Was it his wife's bra? It came out of his wife's bra. Was it his wife's grave bra? Grave bra. Do you bury a woman in a bra? I was just going to say, if I'm getting buried, do I wear a bra? Yeah, you definitely bury a woman. I need to wear a padded bra so people think I had boobs.

Oh, that would be so great if you have a necrophiliac just get disappointed. Yeah. When he unclips it and you're like this. Oh, no. Yeah. Typical lion bitch. Take off the dead woman's bra and there's nothing underneath it.

And then you see that it was all bra. My boobs are like three quarters bra. For sure. I know. If I fucked a dead girl, I'd keep the bra on. Yeah. Yeah, I see you. Yeah, man.

I don't know. Amber, what do you think? Do you want to get buried in a bra? No. No. What do you want? Titty swinging. Titty swinging. Titty swinging?

I want to be comfortable. No panties. Is that what it says on your gravestone? Titty swinging? I don't know where underwear is. Just definitely a giant bra. Can you go all nude? Fuck yeah. Why not? You can do whatever the hell you want. And you're dead. Yeah. If you die, Eddie, can we do an open casket, but you write in your will

all nude? I want an open casket, but I want to tell the guy, take off all my skin and meat and just my bones. Just my skeleton, but in a casket. But just your balls. Just your balls, though. Yeah, my balls will stay. And the beard. And keep the beard.

Oh, wait. Can we do this? Can we take off, strip all the skin off, all the meat off, keep the face and then just put the face over the skeleton? I don't know. I like the chatter and teeth skeleton. Let's put my eyeballs in the skeleton. Okay, that's good. And a little thing of mistletoe

right over your cock. You only gotta kiss it out of tradition. Will you guys stuff nugs up my nose? No, we're not gonna give you anything. We're not even gonna remember that you're dead. But I feel like this guy, he really loved his wife, and that's what's so sad. I mean, like Johnny Cash, after June died, what did he have to live for? No one was coming to this guy to write his last country hit.

He had nothing else to do but get an explosive bra and end his life. Yeah, I said it once, I said it a million times. Just never fall in love. But, Eddie, come on. This is sweet. This is actually kind of romantic. Eddie's right, man. Yeah, Kelly agrees with me.

Burt Luger agrees. Luger needs to be in the streets. Luger needs his people in the streets, man. You just got to be out there, man. Love is for fucks. Hell yeah, Burt Luger. Amen. Those poor, poor women. Hell yeah, Bird Luger. Amen.

Poor, poor women. All those poor, poor women you two canoodle with. Is that a picture of this guy? His hands are weird. Oh, no. This is the next story. It's nothing to do with his hands, right? It looks like he just finger-blasted an alien. Let's go back. I'll tell you

what this is all about. the son of Lobster Boy who was one of the 20th century's most infamous freak show attractions but who is also a murderer is opening up about his infamous father though he still calls him a quote drunken bastard Grady Stiles III

talked about his father Grady Stiles Jr in an upcoming episode of the AMC program Freak Show like his father Stiles III talked about his father, Grady Stiles Jr., in an upcoming episode of the AMC program Freak Show. Like his father, Stiles III was born with ectrodactyly, a congenital disorder that makes hands and feet resemble claw-like appendages. Stiles III, along with his sister, who also has the disorder, toured around the country with her father as the Lobster family. Oh, God. So this dude. That's a man right there.

That's Grady Stiles III. Oh, my God. The Stiles, they're a fascinating family. They're Norberg, right? From Futurama? Zoidberg. Zoidberg, yeah.

You just, like, don't have another career choice except being, like, Lobster Fingers. Yeah, you're a Lobster boy. Look at this weirdo and laugh. Yeah, but the old Lobster boy

was a lunatic. Smoked 60 cigarettes a day with those claws. Yeah, yeah. He'd always attack people and grab people. He'd always choke people with his lobster hands. He was upset about it. He was not happy.

Did he murder people or his son murder people? No, he actually murdered someone. Stiles Jr., he murdered a guy that was looking to marry his daughter. See, I know this from the big book of freaks, one of my favorite books ever. Okay. How many pages was it? Like 13 pages? I have ruined many dates by talking about circus freaks too much.

Talking about circus freaks at all is too much. Once I saw it, I can't stop. They weren't even Marcus' dates. They were other people's dates that he went over and turned it off. You know about the Cuckoo the Bird Head girl? She's great. So Grady Stiles Jr., his daughter was dating this guy. The guy wanted to marry his daughter.

And so Grady says, why don't you come out back tonight? We'll talk about this. The guy walks in the door. Grady shoots him in the head. He goes to prison for that. Who could have used a gun with those weird hands? It was a big gun, kind of a weird one. Why would he use his bare hands?

That would be a defense. Or his lobster fingers. He could murder my people and be like, oh, my weird lobster fingers. I didn't do it. I think that was his defense. Was it? Well, what he told, what they actually did is they let him out of jail because he had emphysema from smoking 60 Paul Malls a day. And he also had cirrhosis of the liver from drinking whiskey constantly.

I feel like that's appropriate, like the's appropriate. Like the Marlboro man, like a cowboy, and then Paul Maltz is the lobster man. He's the lobster man. He openly confessed to the murder. So he's the good guy. He did his time.

Is his daughter hot? No. She's got lobster hands. Yeah, they all got it. Yeah. Why would you reprint this? Why are you having kids? Your life sucks. You've choked people.

Because you won't be able to hang out with because you have lobster hands. Oh, by the way, it's not just the hands. It's the feet, too. What? Amber, would you do it? What? Get finger popped or foot popped by a lobster guy? Sure, yeah, yeah.

Is that bad? Not this guy, though. He's kind of an asshole. Well, yeah, yeah. Is that bad? Not this guy, though. He's kind of an asshole. Well, yeah, he's me. It would make me famous. He goes to seafood restaurants. He's like, do I get a discount?

He just hands. Henry! Henry, is that you? So you would do it if it got you famous? I would do anything if it got me famous. You'd get finger popped

by the lobster boy if it was online? I mean, I don't mean YouTube famous for a week. I mean, if I could get some sort of MTV show.

So you need a contract. Yeah. That's exactly what I mean. But then you're famous being the girl who gets banged out by lobster hands. I think I could

rebrand myself. I don't know. That's a tough thing to bounce back from, man. It's tough to bounce back. If there's anything that could possibly define you in this world, I think it's that. Yeah, but Ray J wasn't a fucking circus freak. Well, sort of was.

Well, kind of. I won't even talk to a woman who slept with Holden, much less with lobster hands. It is like I'm feeling aggression, and I have my fans. I have my fans. That's fine. It was talking about how fat I was at the stand-up show yesterday. It was. Or the benefit, rather, for Chile.

It was a benefit for Chile. Chala. Chala, Chile. And there's 12,000 people who are without a home in Chile. We sent them $500 thanks to Leah Kessler. We'll pay a lot of Leah Kessler. That goes a long way. I guess so.

It's going all the way to Chile. It's like 10 thatched huts for the people there. 10 thatched huts? Yeah, and four coconut televisions. Amber, you want to bang Holden over Lobster Boy? Would you do that? I think I'd do Lobster Boy because his hands are super long, and it looks like he could

get in there, you know, and give you a weird orgasm. Yeah! And I could change his life. Maybe he'd stop killing people. Sounds like somebody hasn't seen my balls. Well, in November 1992, Stiles Jr., 55, was shot dead by a 17-year-old sideshow performer, Chris Wyant,

who was allegedly hired to do the hit by Stiles' wife, Maria, and her son, crappy, and her son from another marriage. So this guy was so fucking awful that his wife hired a teenager to kill him. So she does not have the lobster hands feet.

No, she's just married into the lobster family. But, wow, she's the craziest one in this whole fucking story. Yeah, exactly. Well, she was a circus. She was a carnival. She was a carny. Right. But for what?

What did she have, like, 14 fingers? What was her deal? No, I mean, just not everyone who works at the carnival is a freak. Yay. Wow. Yeah, they have to be, by definition. That's the carnival. I mean, just not everyone who works at the carnival is a freak. Wow. Yeah, they have to be by definition. That's the carnival. I'm a normal dude and I'm an accountant. The Roustys that set up the tents

and tear them down, they're not freaks. They're just regular Joes. Are they though, man? Think about it for a second. You can tear down tents in any situation, but if you want to be tearing down the crab finger hand tent, I feel like there's something weird. I would like to go to a freak show on one tent. They had Debbie from Accounting.

It was just like, I love numbers. What a freak. Adam, what do you think about this? Like, would I fuck them? You want them to bang them, grab your balls a little bit, put them in the butt? I mean, I think, you know, I mean, I'm into girls or whatever, but if it was like a girl with lobster things, I'd be like, all right, I can get into that.

Maybe not long term. So you see her on Tinder and you're like beautiful face and you go on the first date and she's got the lobster hands. You know, you see like a super like tatted up girl or something. You're like, oh, that could be fun for a second. Yeah, just make her wear boxing gloves. That's a great idea. Have her punch your ball sack for the... Here's some oven mitts. Maybe it's a nicer

guy answer, but if she was a nice lady, maybe. You would not. You would not be able to look at her and all be on her lobster fingers. I don't understand. I wouldn't be able to listen to her. Have you ever been with a disformed woman?

I don't think so, no. Anybody here ever been with somebody who's lost a digit or something like that? It's tough. There's not that many of them. You're making me feel guilty that I haven't. I feel guilty that I haven't been with a freak girl. Let's go to the burn unit and have an orgy.

Get kicked out of there. For trying to have sex with a burn unit. Let's go to the burn unit and go have an orgy. Get kicked out of there. We're trying to have sex with a burn unit. Let's go to the burn unit and go have an orgy. That was the weirdest. Showtime, everybody. Get up. Get up. Come on.

We're having an orgy today. I am burned. I am extremely burned. Are you pleased? I am a man. I am a man. What do you think the receptionist does when all of us walk in through the front door of the burn unit and go, we're here for the orgy.

We're here for the orgy of the burn unit is a great sketch. What were you going to say, Kevin? No, no, I just remember in high school there was this chick who, like, I had a huge, she was like a new girl in the school. She came in like halfway through the semester, and she was hot as shit. And I had, like, the biggest crush on her. And it took me, like, three months to realize she only had one hand. What?

Yeah, she was just really good at hiding it. One hand? Yeah, she had one hand. How can you hide that? She'd just like,

she'd like walk and like, you'd be like kind of in her purse or something like that and like, you just look like she was just,

you know, always digging for lip gloss. How did you discover it then? When did you realize she had one hand? One day, she fucked up. So as soon as you realized

she had one hand, I mean, everything changed. I was devastated. I felt bamboozled. I was high-loaded. Immediately forgot her name. So no more crush anymore

after you found out? You didn't bang, you didn't bang. Well, you can't have a crush on a tree with one hand. Well, I mean, first of all, she's clearly deceptive.

She's a liar. She's a piece of shit liar. If she did not rub your nub hand on your face, then she's a liar. I don't know. I could do a nub check. I could do one hand. I think one hand I can handle.

I didn't mean to do that. While you're hooking up, she continued to hide it. Yeah, she continued. See, that's the thing. It's like, back then, I could have never done it. But nowadays, Kevin Barnett would do that shit

in a minute. Dude, I've done some weird things. She could take that nub and, like, stick it in your asshole. In your ass, yeah. I mean, that's a lot. That's a lot to go into an asshole to have a whole nub

that's a finger. I've seen the internet. Yeah. I slept with a guy and then I found out he made cat pens. Is that the same thing? What?

Yeah, it's sort of worse than having no eye hands. Yeah, because that's a choice he made. Yeah. Cat pens. Like a pen that you... Wait, that's what I was curious about.

Like a pen... Oh, pen. I thought you meant a pen. Like an elementary school blazer pen. Yeah, yeah, but they're all kitty cats. No, it's not good. Yeah, it. I thought you meant a pen. Like an elementary school blazer pin. Yeah, yeah, but they're all kitty cats. No, it's not good. Yeah, it wasn't made out of cats.

No, no, no. What in the sky would create this passion? I think it was just his aunt made them and he would just sell them. It's the pussification of the American male. I mean, he thought he was going to get ladies because of this. Yeah. He's like, look at all my cat crap. Was pussification a cat pun? It was a pun in your honor, Adam. Yeah. He's like, look at all my cat crap. Was pussification a cat pun?

It was a pun in your honor, Adam. Yeah. Did you find out how she lost her hand? No, no, no. I never spoke to her. Because what if she had

a great story behind it? You know, stole something. She's from Iraq or something. How did she fuck up? How did she accidentally show you her no hand? I think like her purse

dropped or something because she only had one hand. She's probably still horrified. She's probably still horrified. She's probably still horrified by this moment. Kevin tricked her. He waved at her. Take it easy. Leave her alone. She's got one hand.

Oh my goodness. I don't even know her, but I really wish I knew what happened to her. I know. How do you lose a hand? How do you lose a hand? I left at the movie theater. I had a teacher who only had one hand in middle school. Is it you?

Are people telling stories about a malicious Kevin Barnett cutting off everybody's hands? Yeah, you're cutting off their hands. He lost it in a tractor or something. It's crazy. In a tractor. He fell into like, you know,

some farm stuff. That happens all the time. Fell into some farm stuff and then he lost his hand. I was, I was in Minnesota and there's a, you know,

there's farms everywhere and there was a bench and it was dedicated to someone. I made some kind of joke and then the person I was with was like, oh yeah, no,

he, it's a very sad story. That kid died. He, he was in a, he was playing hide and go seek and he was in a wood chipper and his dad turned it on

and fucking shoe came out. It's nuts. That happens all the time. It's very common in those more rural places, these very bizarre deaths. They just get their hands hacked off, yeah?

Yeah, I mean, kids used to hide. A lot of machinery. During the fall, kids, they play in the leaves and things like that and then people will come to mow them up and kids play in the leaves and things like that. People will come to mow them up

and pick up all the leaves and kids will get sucked into those. It's very common in those rural places. Kids are always losing digits and shit like that. I think if I lost a hand, at first I was thinking, I'd get this cool metal evil villain hand, but no, I'd get a big fluffy Muppet hand.

Oh, that's a great thing to do. I'd get a normal hand. You get the foam number one hand to get in a basketball game. Exactly, something like that. Something charming and fun. It would eventually start to stink. Oh, yeah, I'd fucking change it out all the time. I'd have a fish hand.

I'd have a fucking, you know, whatever. So everyone just thinks you're like a party bro. Yeah, I'm just a party guy. You accessorize with your outfit. Totally. I'd be like the Lady Gaga of handless people. Yeah. That's a great idea.

That sounds like a good idea. Let's go. I would do it. What's your name, right? Giga? I would just move to the woods and never talk to anyone again. That's the best thing to do. Until Kevin comes and knocks down your door.

In Saudi, you would always, like, you'd go to the market and see hands nailed to the walls. In where? In Saudi. Are they for sale? They're for sale. That's good. How much for the hands?

Like a little bit of some dates and nuts. And this was sort of like their mug shots as sort of the shame? Yeah, kind of like when you walk in a restaurant. Well, in Asia, there's a bunch of Asian markets where they take pictures and say, shame on this person for taking the gum, and they put the money. In Iran, they have the finger chopping machine.

Of course. It looks like a big cash register, and you put your hand in it, and they pull down the lever, and it chops your finger off, and it's translated as the finger chopping machine. Wow. The greatest prize for a thief in Iran is the finger chopping machine. You steal the finger chopping machine, you can't get your fingers cut off. That's a good point.

Who invented the finger chopping machine? Who chops off the finger of the guy who steals the chipper? The fucking finger chopping machine. All right. So what's happening with this story, Marcus? Well, you know, the funny thing is about them, where they live. They live in this... There's a lobster boy. Lobster boy, yeah the side. Do you guys know? Lobster Boy.

Lobster Boy. Yeah, yeah. Do you guys know Gibsonton, Florida? Sounds disgusting. Hard to say. Gibsonton. What county is it in? It's in Hillsborough County.

How's a redneck even say it? Gibsonton. Gibsonton. Gibsonton. I got mouth herpes in Gibsonton. I got ass herpes in Ocala. I got my cock herpes in Deland. Well, you've been all around then, as opposed to bringing a passport to the airport.

He's just trying to tell everybody that he can fly. All this Lobster Boy stuff happened in Gibsonton, Florida. Which, Gibsonton is a place, it's a town where sideshow performers winter. So when the sideshow is in an off season, this is where they all went to live. It had the Lobster Boy,

it had Priscilla the Monkey Girl, the Anatomical Wonder, there was Siamese Twins Sisters that ran a fruit stand. Why is that not a reality television show? Who is Priscilla the monkey girl? Huh? How do you be a monkey girl? You know, Priscilla the monkey girl, I don't know her. I'm kind of surprised at myself

on that one. And who are these people who run the orange juice stand? Siamese twins. It's a fresh fruit stand. That's all they did with their freak thing? They can do anything. But this is in the off time. During the season, and they also had special ordinances where. But this is in the off time. Yeah, during the season. And they also had special ordinances

where they could keep elephants in their front yards. Wow. We gotta go. I would like to move there. We gotta go there. I want to visit. I'm not moving.

How is this a reality show? I don't think it's still... It doesn't exist in this capacity. There's a town in China where all the little people go. I can't say midgets for some fucking reason. You did, though. You just did.

Oh, my God. I'm so offended. All of the little people go, and they perform there, and they pretend to be like little elves and things like that. And it's like really exploitative, but they're like, oh, we're so happy to be here because in my hometown, I'd just be strung up and murdered for being weird. So, I mean mean they're happy to be these sort of freaks

in this town. Now Henry told me this story earlier today on the way to Godzilla followed by two more stories that were really sad and fucked up. And he's bad at telling them. It's just like man Henry from the last podcast. Yes Henry from the last podcast. We ate

some weed gummies and went and saw Godzilla earlier. How was Godzilla? It was cool. We were talking about this. Yeah, I saw it yesterday. You enjoyed it, Adam? I enjoyed it. That doesn't mean I think it was good.

The monsters fighting was awesome. Yeah. It's just... Hold on to saying this, too. It should have been an hour and a half. It was two hours. But we think they kept it true to how they... The Japanese versions.

Okay. Very interesting. But you would Japanese versions. Okay, very interesting. But you would recommend it. I think the Japanese versions also have a lot of boring filler. Alright, Marcus. What's another story, buddy? Alright, next up. A California transient was arrested after police said they found him wrapped up like

a burrito inside a trash bin at a Taco Bell. I love this. Why are they arrested? It's his right to wrap himself up. He had a felony warrant. What? Taco Bell. I love this. Why are they arrested? It's his right to wrap his own body around anybody. He had a felony warrant. Oh. What?

Is there a fetish here? Do you have a felony warrant for what? It doesn't say. Officers were called to the scene after receiving a report of an intoxicated man sleeping inside a trash bin behind the restaurant. They said they found Adamson in the trash bin wrapped like a burrito in several plastic wrappers. Wrapped in what?

Was he dressed like a burrito or just wrapped around a bunch of garbage? Just wrapped like a burrito in several plastic wrappers. Wrapped in what? Was he dressed like a burrito or just wrapped around a bunch of garbage? Just wrapped around a bunch of garbage. So they're just saying like a burrito because it was at a Taco Bell.

Yeah. So it's a pun. And what do you think? Is this illegal to sleep in a dumpster? No. Well, yeah. He also had

methamphetamine on him. Oh. Well, that's his choice. At least he's doing the drug. At least he's got the drugs in the confines of a dumpster. He's not hurting anybody. He wants to meth out in the dumpster behind the Taco Bell.

That's where you do meth, is in a dumpster. I saw a recent headline. It was like, guy fights off seven cops on meth while masturbating. That's impressive. That was one we talked about. I've done meth a couple impressive. Oh, we did? That was one we talked about. Okay. Oh, yeah. Amazing.

I've done meth a couple times. Really? How was the experience? Fantastic. Five stars? Really? I was kind of dating a guy, and then I figured out he was a meth dealer.

How'd you figure that out? Because he had it on him. All the time. All the time. He sold it to people. He sold it to people. He kept asking me if I wanted to buy meth.

But it was so good I was like we gotta break this off So yeah I just broke it off But you really enjoyed the meth Yeah it's pretty great But you were able to realize that if you did it anymore You were gonna do it a bunch How does it compare to like cocaine or even like Adderall

Ritalin, Vyvanse, Concerta It's great because it's still like an upper Like you can still go go go But you're not like talking about me like you do on cocaine. Yeah, cocaine. Oh, what do you talk about? Just like fucking, you know, eating shit off the floor, you know. How long would you stay up when you do it?

Was it like? Hours. Long time, yeah. Like a day or like? I mean, I didn't do that much, but yeah, for a few hours. Can we get some meth and find out? Yeah, I mean, we could do an experiment. Eddie, you've ever done meth? No, no, no, no. I've only... I saw

someone did it in my house once. I kicked him out. Yeah, I feel like it's a gross drug. It's on the old never-to-do list. Yeah. It's like that and, uh, you know. Having sex with a woman. Yeah. Yeah. I can't do that anymore. I'm done. I'm done, too. I'm cashed out.

I'm with you on that. Do you think there's a fetish where they put a needle in their penis hole? Absolutely. It's called sounding. I had an ex-boyfriend who pierced his own penis himself. No. With a video that he watched on the internet. I was 15.

It was my first boyfriend. He pierced it when he was 15, too? Well, he was like, I don't know, like 17. And you fucked him? No, we didn't. We didn't fuck. Is he in jail yet? I was a Catholic.

No, he's not in jail. I was a Catholic, so I was like, God doesn't want me to have a pierced penis. Did he show it to you? Well, yeah, I saw it. What was it pierced with? His defense was, well, me and my cousin did it together. Oh, my God. What was it like sucking a dick with a big-ass piece of metal through it?

It was my first experience, so at that point it was normal. Oh, that's great. So every dude you start off afterwards... I'm like, where's your little glow-in-the-dark barbell? That's great. Oh, it went through? Oh, that guy did all of us a favor. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We have a beautiful cock, Dixon, the guy with the glow-in-the-dark barbell. We're great. I mean, my parents... Oh, Adam, you have to leave? Yeah, thanks for having me. I gotta go do a thing. Adam, plug something. Say Twitter or something like that.

Comedy Central, half hour, June 13th. Yeah. Watch Adam Newman on Comedy Central. Adam Newman. He's gotta go shoot his dick up with heroin. I wanted to clarify something with sounding. It's not exactly needles to my knowledge. It's metal rods.

The reason why they call it sounding is you stick the rod in your dick hole. That's a lot. And then you hit it with like another piece of metal and it'll vibrate. So it's like bing. And I think that's why they call it sounding. Okay. And you're supposed to get the rods get progressively bigger and bigger and bigger. Bigger and bigger.

And you bang on it. Like gauges? Yeah. For your pee hole? Yeah. Who are these people? Don't know. Humans.

My ex-boyfriend. It's the man's fucking human race. Yeah. Can you pull up a photo of that? Sure. Yeah, let's look at some fucking mutilated dicks. What's it called again? What's it called?

Sounding. Sounding? Sounding? Sounding? Sounding? Sounding? That's why I sit over here. It's called Sounding?

My life's changing. Ooh, that's a big rod. That's disgusting. These people are sad. They just have rods to work their penis. That's like a whole set. It's like a gradual set. You make a pee hole.

Let me find one actually in a dick. It looks like a whole set. It's like a gradual set. You make a pee hole in your dick. Let me find one actually in a dick. It looks like a dentistry set. Yeah. Yeah. It's very like medical-y.

Good for these guys. I mean, yeah, I guess it gets your shit off, you know? I bet it's a fortune too. Oh, God. All right, enough. Let me see.

Oh, fuck me. There you go. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, no. Oh. Whoa. I am going to, man. Oh. Oh. Whoa. I am going to throw up.

Damn. For disclosure, I left to go to the bathroom, and I have come back to watch a man inject his own penis with what seems to be a steel rod. It's a steel rod. It's going out. It's got a bend to it. Oh, why the bend?

Kevin, what did you say to possibly get Marcus to play this? I had nothing to do with this, man. This is all over. This is the last thing I wanted to see, man. This is Sunday, man. It's the Lord's Day. We shouldn't be looking at this. All right.

Good Christ. What's that called? Tuning? Sounding. Sounding. Are they banging it with the metal or whatever? No, it was just a guy pulling out a really long piece of metal. I'm talking two feet long.

Like it was in his stomach. Yeah, yeah. Why? Why? Because they like it. Yeah, I guess they do like it. Amber, you're a gal. You have people stick things up your wreath right now and again.

When you go to the doctor, you get a UTI. That's not what they do for a UTI. You have people stick things up your urethra every now and again. When you go to the doctor, you get a UTI. That's not what they do for a UTI. They don't stick things either. It's called antibiotics. Out of nowhere. All right. What do they do? Do they stick something up there?

They don't go up your pee hole, but they do clamp open your vagina hole. Yeah, they clamp open your vagina hole. With like a machine that you hear it go click, click and it like spreads it all open. And there's nothing that anyone can say to you that's, I hope they try to make conversation because anything is going to sound weird when they're staring up. Fishing. You've been up north.

The first time I did it it was a lady doctor and I was very young so obviously like smaller down there and she clicked it open and I was like, ah, like freaking out and she's like, calm down, calm down. Your vagina grows? You just kind of mature with it, you know, get it pounded a bit. I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding, I'm just kidding.

But she just told you to calm down. She's like, calm down, stop acting out. And I was like, what? Stop acting out? I was like 14. And you're cranking my pussy like there's a kid underneath a car and you're trying to jack it up. Yeah. Well, think about how many vaginas

they clamp open every day. Why would you choose that profession? Do they still use the same clamp? Yeah, the same clamp. Maybe it should make a laughter sound. Or something like... Like a jack-in-a-box. Yeah, something nice.

Maybe sing blur lines or something. So you want it to finish. You know, you know, like a blurb line or something. So you want me to finish. You know, you were saying like, why would someone choose that profession? You know, when I had my horrible bloody nose problem, when every time I'd go into the doctor, we'd spend the first part of the session just him just yanking all the boogers out of my nose. And that's that guy's fucking job. Why the fuck would you choose a job where you pull disgusting boogers out of my nose. And that's that guy's fucking job. Why the fuck would you choose a job where you pull disgusting

boogers out of your fucking nose? It's your job to go to the doctor without boogers in your nose. He had to go way back deep, dude, and he told me not to fuck with my nose. So there was... I've never seen boogers so big. Because he asked me not to mess with my nose for like the entire week between the

first visit. So he yanked out a world of boogers out of my nose and that's his job. I wish I were better at science so I could be a dermatologist. Anybody else like love popping zits? Anybody else like so happy when they can squeeze a blackhead? It freaks me out. I'm like

eww. Some people are into watching like zit popping videos. I don't watch the videos. I like to get the satisfaction Of accomplishing it myself And you like when Do you like when Somebody else doesn't No I like to do it

To other people Other people yeah My brother for Christmas Gave me like 20 minutes alone With his like Acne covered back Ew

It was the best gift I've ever gotten See that's funny My middle brother Chris Is the exact same way He used to come up to me When I was growing up And be like, you got a zit. And he would pin me down and he would pop the zits on my face.

That's so funny because it's a rare thing that people enjoy doing. Some people really like it. It's my favorite. When I'm focusing on the poor, I'm not focusing on my problems. All right. But have you had your own zits popped by somebody else? No, because I get them all myself immediately I'm delighted

That's your sort of masturbation When you get to fuck, you get to pop somebody else's Marcus, have you ever popped a gal's zits? No Eddie? No, he bites them off Do you let girls pop your zits? Would you let me pop them?

Do you have any blackheads? Can we do this right now? I don't really I'm telling you, ladies like to do it Can't say I have any I hate it You wouldn't do right now? I don't really. I'm telling you, ladies like to do it. I hate it. You wouldn't do it, Amber? No. You missed it now. No, no, no. Let's say Miss Timf,

she wants to pop all the zits on your body. You're not going to let her do it? No, I'm not going to let her do it. I don't even like calling women. But you called them, and you want a bunch of zits, and they're like, I'll come over and pop them all for you. You don't have to do anything. I just pop them and I say things like,

oh, that's a good one. Yeah, no, I'm with you. I love the feeling of getting a good zip popped and I'm not against popping them myself. Okay, well, let's hang out and I'll pop all everything.

You should be Fred Holden over here. He'll be busy for a month. My people think they're my knees, but no, they are big zits. I hope so. I hope so. So if we were talking about sounding earlier and like weird fetish stuff, I had to bring this up on this show. I finally saw the guy got it from Japan.

He unpacked it. It's Oculus Rift, which is the 3D set, right? Oculus Rift, which is the 3D set, right? It's a game for that where you fuck anime girls and a flashlight that has functions that... It's finally here. It's finally here, Marcus.

You're saying finally here like we've all been waiting for it. I don't even know what this is. You wear a 3D headset and it's Japanese girls. You're first person. This is in 3D. So you're in the room with the Japanese girls. Like, you're first person. This is in 3D. So you're, like, in the room with the Japanese girl.

But it's an anime girl. It's not like an actual Japanese girl. Anime girl at this point. But, you know, we're getting there. It's always going to be an anime girl. This would be a good way to fight off pedophilia. Oh, yeah. Just draw little kids and have pedophiles.

Or rape scenarios. No, it wouldn't. It's possible. So you put the flashlight thing on your cock but and it has different adjustable things to fit your cock but it moves it like does shit like while the girl's sucking your dick or you're fucking her and stuff it'll like do shit around your cock and there's a green button on the tip for the cum shot so you hit it's like a controller it's like a video game your dick is now you put on your cock and then like yeah and you hit, it's like a controller. It's like a video game controller. Your dick is now a controller. That you put on your cock and then like, yeah,

and you hit different buttons for different settings and then there's this big blinking green button and when you want the cum shot, you hit it. Kevin, what do you think? Can't you do that on your own? That's fascinating, man.

Do you like the idea? Would you use it? Oh, yeah, man. If they can get like, you can fuck Chun-Li, that'd be a dream. Dude, it's fucking happening. It's fucking real.

Amber, what do you think? You got a boyfriend and he's got one of these new devices. Is it cheating? I'd break up with him. You'd break up with him immediately? Yeah, if he was doing that shit, I'd be like, bye. That's really expensive, too, to be like, I'm going to spend all this money on this weird...

It's a lot. Well, no. But he has enough money, so you're not taking a cut at all. You're not taking a hit with him. The only thing with me is that he would make the effort to think that was something he needed in his life. I think that says something about it. What if he was a millionaire? What if he had all that money, and he would make the effort to think that was something he needed in his life. I think that says something about him. What if he was a millionaire?

What if he had all that money and he just wanted to fuck some anime girls? And let's say he doesn't really want to, you don't want to fuck him all the time. You know,

like you've been with him for 10 years. He just got the doll. You don't want to bang him all the time. Would you still be, would you be jealous of this inanimate object?

I think that makes him a weird dude. So you think it makes him weird but you would be jealous? I think it makes him weird more than, maybe a little bit jealous. I mean, I him a weird dude. So you think it makes him weird, but you would be jealous? I think it makes him weird more than, maybe a little bit jealous. I mean, I'm a Scorpio. I'm jealous.

I'm a Scorpio, and I am jealous of absolutely everything. So I feel like that's... Are you jealous of a flesh... How do you feel about a fleshlight? I don't... I mean, that's not... The guy beats off me. I'm all jealous of that.

No, absolutely not. But this is different, though. Because this is a whole... I wouldn't be jealous. I would just be more judgmental. Yeah. I'm definitely judgmental of him. I'd be judgies.

Of who? I'm definitely no judgies. But if you're buying a dick robot, if you're rich, why aren't you just banging other actual girls? Because you can't fuck anime girls in real life.

You can't fuck Jessica Rabbit. I'd maybe do this for Jessica Rabbit. Yeah, for Jessica Rabbit. Jessica Rabbit. Jessica Rabbit. I'd try it like once to see STDs. Why would you not try it, man?

You can't just try it once because then you're using someone else's removable parts. Okay, so really, if you have a kid and you find out they want to have sex, obviously every kid wants to bang them at 13, 12, 14, 15, 16, and you find out they have a little robot as opposed to an actual human in there. No kids, no STDs. It's almost better. Do you get the kid the gift when he's fucking 12? Do you get him a fake pussy with the game?

I mean, I don't know. The game makes you put a condom on. Is it better or worse than Grand Theft Auto? You know, he's just fucking... And what's great, though, is no matter what we're gonna get a rash of stories of people walking in on other people because you're gonna have headphones on you have a full helmet on

you're just gonna you know just sit there with this thing just fucking yeah I mean what does it look like some jealous wife's gonna fucking fill it with razor blades ooh that could happen it's just the oculus rift headset have you seen one of those before it's like you know not that crazy. It's like a helmet kind of thing.

And then essentially a flashlight that just has buttons on it. So you'll be like controlling the fucking and stuff and switching positions using the buttons on the game controller. It's still got to be shallow, though. I'll show you guys video of what it looks like. How much does it cost? Oh, it's got to be super expensive right now. It's got to be a grand. Oh, this is the game right now?

Yeah, this is what you see. Oh, this isn't going to do anything. I mean, who's coming to this? Well, this was like... Some people. Gina got her shirt on. Super Mario Brothers back in the day. Yeah, Marcus, fast forward to the cum shutter.

No, this is the whole thing. This is just... Go to the end of the video. This is like Super Mario Brothers. It's just some fucking dickhead being a dude. Okay, first of all, that is like Super Mario Brothers it's just some fucking dude first of all that was on YouTube so that it's not like

they can show explicit stuff they can't show the negatives they can't show the cum shot hold on I do feel like you're defending it very hardcore I think this might be

your future life I will try it I will try it yeah I mean I'm thinking not anime girls I've never been interested in that

but like I would like to fuck you know 90s Jenna Jameson. I would theoretically do that. Yeah. But it would be a drawing of her. No, no, no. It would be a first-person video of a girl.

It wouldn't be Jenna Jameson. There's POV blowjob videos already. It would just be that. If you're a lady, and there are two here, this is all very male driven business at this point is there anything that would make you

want to come like a dildo to a machine with like a bunch of like what's this David Hasselhoff David Hasselhoff every girl's dream

yeah I mean some fella even if you're a girl you can just have sex with an actual dude well that's true anytime you want the thing that's wrong

with this game and giving it to kids is how are they going to know how to talk to girls? They have to talk and be embarrassed around girls. And then when they're 25, they'll be fucking smashing it with beautiful women because they've gotten that out of the way. Remember this. Japan, way too many dudes. They have to have separate

train cars for men and women because the men harass the women so badly because there are so many men and none of them can get with these girls because like only half of the guys can get married or can get a girlfriend. Yeah, really? You gotta be real successful over there. This is like some evolution shit. This is like

okay freak weirdo like or nerd boy or whatever like sad boy. But what I mean is it evolution or is it killing out an entire race of people? I mean not a race. A breed of nerd is really what of people? I mean, not a race, a breed of nerd is really what it is. I mean, God bless them.

Yeah. I mean, that is evolution. Yeah. That's definitely the definition of evolution, man. They've compartmentalized

everything over there, man. They got like, you can get a chick to like, yeah, just get fucked by a chick. You can get a chick

that'll just cuddle with you. You get a chick that'll just sit across the table. You can pay for just a girl to just talk to you at a dinner. Yeah. I almost talk to you while I eat, first of all. Yeah, I hate that.

Well, I'm sure you won't hear them over the slurping. Their YouTube celebrities are just pretty girls that sit and eat a meal and just talk to you like you're on a date with them on the video. Like, they just eat sushi. That's how lonely these guys are. They just eat sushi and just talk to you like you're on a date with them on the video. Like, they just eat sushi. That's how lonely these guys are. They just eat sushi and just talk. So when all these dudes become extinct, you can have like a Pixar movie, like a sex toy movie, where they just are, you know, where all these sex toys are just thrown away and

nobody wants to play with them anymore. Right, exactly. It's just sad. Dude, I think this is going to revolutionize the jerk-off booth and maybe bring porn theaters back. Why? You bring your own cock piece. I mean theaters back. You bring your own cock piece. Why?

You bring your own cock piece. You probably... Why would you not just do that by yourself? Or rent it or exchange it and stuff. It would just be an interactive experience. I think the jerk-off booth will see these cock pieces. Eddie, what do you think? I was thinking about this, you know,

because I was real depressed, Ed. Yeah? Because my parents didn't go to my brother's gay wedding. So you're going to go to a jerk-off booth? What? They didn't go to a gay wedding? They didn't go. My parents are bigots, and it was really sad.

Oh, my God. I'm sorry. But I was thinking, if I had... Are you going to go beat off? I don't understand. All right, go ahead. No, what I'm saying is, people are going to... And people in Japan have already petitioned, and some have won the right to marry robots.

Yeah. Yeah. And what do you think? I'm okay with that. If you had a kid, and he just fell in love with this robot that he bought at some, you know, Gadzooks or something. I mean, would you go to the wedding? I mean, if I have a kid, I won't even know him.

Yeah. So you'll be there. You'll be catering the whole event. You know, they already have that in Japan. They already have the pillow girls or whatever, right? And they get married to them. Would you be upset about that? And video game girls.

They get married to these, like, you know, whatchamacallits, the avat they get married to them. Would you be upset about that? And video game girls, they get married to these, like, you know, whatchamacallits, the avatars in a video game. Yeah, and it happens. They seem very happy. Again, God fucking bless these dudes. They're not gonna get married. They're never gonna be with a woman. It's impossible for

them. This is the outlet. This is the way. And when it hits the West, you know i mean thank god and do you break up with them i mean amber what happens because everyone all relationships go through you know the beginning a middle and an end so theoretically you have a you have a robot girlfriend at some point you have to get bored with her well do you have to go through an emotional breakup with a robot girlfriend was it you that was telling me that those uh the uh factories those real dolls that they've been making a lot of times someone was telling me that those factories, those real dolls that they've been making,

a lot of times, someone was telling me a lot of times those real dolls, they get returned to the factory all sliced up. All fucking cut up. Really? Yeah. Oh my god. I guess that's how you break up. People are horrible. I hate everybody.

Henry was talking about this. This whole conversation makes me not even want to be with a woman. It just makes me want to get, like, a dog and fucking sit on a porch for the rest of my life. In the middle of nowhere, right? All this future shit, man. This is the way. I mean, have you seen her? I haven't seen her yet.

I mean, that's essentially what we're talking about here. And, yeah, they do have a break. I haven't seen it yet. That's essentially what we're talking about here. I think they should start programming these girls to have issues so they can live out a whole relationship. Program them to have issues. I like that. Program them to be like, oh, whatever.

I don't want it now, but I'm hard for you. You're my machine, but it just closes up. I think there's a demand for that as well, for a realistic... yeah you call it the bitch chip you put in a bad year card you're like all right we're gonna have a bad fucking year this year this relationship's gonna go down the tubes and we're gonna work our way through it all right treat her like an old school game boy just put the wrong cartridge in yeah i don't want to play Kirby. All right, Marcus, what's another story?

An official-looking prank letter telling students to attend a mandatory vagina inspection in the gym at Prior Lake High School has parents, students, and teachers wondering, who done it? So the t-shirt finally worked. Is what you're saying. Vagina inspection. So hold on. So someone said there's a vagina inspection So these girls lined up to have their vaginas inspected

Now I'm here No one knows exactly who's behind the letters Written on imitation school letterhead And hand delivered to some families mailboxes this week Nor do they know how many were sent out But the post office took notice And removed 50 letters That had not been delivered yet outstanding

it's kind of funny you know exactly i'm fucking 100 certain that whoever did this immediately got high-fived they're gonna grow up to like own google but the uh no one has been caught uh although the the police liaison officer that's in charge of it said that he has, quote, some strong leads. No, he doesn't. That fucking liar. He's just trying to get him shaken to make a mistake. If you're listening, kid, you did great.

Handle it. Fucking hide out. Don't tell no one nothing. Yeah. Good job. Yeah, you don't have to post everything on fucking Instagram and tell the world what you did. Sometimes you do it for nothing. Yeah. Good job. Yeah, you don't have to post everything on fucking Instagram and tell the world what you did.

Sometimes you do it for you. Yeah. Fuck yeah. That kid is sitting down there. He's drinking a fucking lemonade and he's hearing about all these cops looking for him.

And he's like, oh, those fucking maroons. Yeah. All kids do that shit. I used to go to the country club and uh take a bloody tampons and put them by the water fountains oh my god just see this is another amber story now on we have to start having these segments where amber tells her truth she always prefaces it with everybody uh but nobody. No.

I've never seen a tampon by a waterfall. No, and it never worked. Wait, I'm sorry, but what was the end goal with that? Just to see these rich dudes and their fucking golf carts and their swag immediately jet out. This is the only reason I want to be wealthy, so I can have a daughter like you. As soon as she hits puberty, be like, oh yeah. so I can have a daughter like you. As soon as she hits puberty,

be like, oh yeah. They had a conference and they were like, we know who put the tampons by the water coolers, so just come and tell us who it is and you won't get in trouble. And I was like, what do you mean you know who it is, but you want me to come out? I'm just going to sit here. Why do so many of your stories involve bloody tampons?

I don't know. Amber, I love your stories. I was just asking Amber actually out back if she would trade up instead of having a period once a month one really bad one once a year but like your whole month is totally fucked.

Like a month long period. Like just a month long bad one. Real big bad one. I would do that instead. Yeah, I would just do a month long period. Like just a month long bad one. Real big bad one. I would do that instead. One or two? Yeah, I would just do a month long period. What if it's a big month? You have a lot to do that month. Fuck it, it's all cancelled. You'd plan your whole life around this one month

since you were 14 or whatever. Everybody knows about the months, you know? Oh, you mean one in your life? No, once a year. That sounds way worse to me. Real bad month though. What do you mean real bad? way worse to me. Real bad month, though. Well, I mean, I guess you get... What do you mean real bad?

I'd say February. Like, every January. It's National Women's Month, isn't it? I'd pick February. It's Black History Month. I mean, it'd be different for every woman, depending on when she was born and depending on when she hit puberty. Say she hit puberty, and, like, say it starts in September.

You hit puberty in September, so from then on, every September is going to be your awful month. Well, would you get to pick the month? Could it be a different month every year? Well, I was going to ask... Almost a chance. I was going to ask this question. Like, aren't you guys a little able... Like, doesn't, you know, birth control and things like that affect the time of the month stuff?

Have women made it a point to, like, move their periods to a different time of the month? I move my period all the time. I don't take birth control. I don't take that shit. I think the same rules would apply, then. You could probably use birth control and things like that to move your month. I do. I move my period all the time. I don't take birth control. I don't take that shit. I think the same rules would apply then. You could probably use birth control and things like that to move your month. You don't take birth control, Tim? I take birth control.

But Amber, you don't. No, I took the stuff the doctor gave me, Yaz, years ago, and it made me faint on the streets See that? It sounds like more crystal meth. Yeah, that's bad. Yaz had to recall the whole thing. It was killing people. I never took Yaz.

It was killing people. And I was like, who are these dudes in like a big, they had to recall that whole thing. Yeah, it was because it was killing people. It never took, yeah. It was killing people. And I was like, who are these dudes in a factory making this shit I'm putting in my body that changes my chemical makeup? Go fuck yourself. I'll bleed out of my pussy and throw it in your fucking doctor face. What I have done to adapt, I've just gotten a period fetish. Have you? Oh, love it.

Love to have sex with you. I do not mind riding the red train whatsoever. I mean, I'll do it. Yeah, but I don't like, I'm not like looking forward love it. I do not mind riding the red train whatsoever. I'll do it, but I'm not looking forward to it. No, it's fun because sometimes you can hold a fake knife and pretend like she's dead. Not necessarily my current girlfriend, but when the girl you're with is hyper fucking horny when she's on her period, you learn to fucking adapt. I've done it plenty. I've done it a bunch of times, but every time you do it, you're just like, man, you learn to fucking adapt. I've done it plenty. I've done it a bunch of times, but every time you do it, you're just like,

man, I need to do that. I just hate when I fuck my bed up. Put a towel down. Fuck her in the shower. There are ways, man. There are ways to do it. Do it over a bucket. Usually it's just like, yeah, let's do it now.

I'm not grabbing towels, you know. Are you guys more aroused during the period time? Your tits get bigger. Yeah. Oh, thank fucking Christ. I actually have boobs. And I want to show them off. I wish the asses got bigger, too.

It's fun. It's a weird mixture of like, yeah, you get it turned on, but you also feel like you're about to diarrhea your pants any minute. I have one girlfriend who just went bananas every time she was on her period. You should have stopped that sentence if you had one girlfriend. He said he was cool with it

and then he saw some blood and then he started gagging. I don't give a shit. You're bad Republicans. That's your problem. I wanted to kill myself. You go into the shower, you wash it off. My cock covered in blood is just Republicans. That's your problem. I wanted to kill myself. You got to go now. You go into the shower. You wash it off. I don't even...

My cock covered in blood is just not even a freaky sight. I put a shark fin on and played the Jaws song. Yeah, yeah. Totally. You kidding me? He said it was cool.

He was like, I'm like, oh my God, we've been trying to make this work. He's not great. And I feel like I'm Scrooge McDuck fucking in a pile of pennies, you know?

That's right. That's fantastic. I had a girl once stop because she didn't know she was on her period and then she realized like while we were having sex and she like made it she like stopped right in the middle she's like i can't do it i'm on my period i'm like who the fuck cares who cares no no wait till that or not wait till but yeah when that happens to you when you're in the middle

of losing your virginity that sucks that happened to you yeah you've taken the girl's virginity. That sucks. That happened to you? Yeah. You've taken the girl's virginity. No, no, no. When I was losing my virginity, she was on her period. You bled. No. She started like, she was,

she had just started her period that day, but she was like, no, let's do it, let's do it. I'm like, fucking A, of course I want to do it. And then she stops halfway through, she's like, I can smell my own blood,

we have to stop. Oh! That whole scenario was completely fine. I'm upset. And she had made a real special. She had turned Sarah McLachlan on. Shut up. When I lost my virginity,

the fucking girl put on the Top Gun song. It's like, what's it? Why are we going to listen to something stupid? This is my virginity. This is my virginity. I put on Indigata De Vita. She said no. And we had to put on the fuckingata DeVita. She said no. Unbelievable.

And we had to put on the fucking Top Gun song. Men get no respect. When we're in the store, Virginia, we get no respect. And everybody's weirded out by the fucking virtual reality fucking flashlight. Everybody thinks that's fucking weird. All I'm going to do is listen to Indigata DeVita. I'll tell you what. I took toilet paper out of this chick's pussy the first time.

I banged her or didn't take a goddamn word? Oh, I was on toilet paper. Well, she wanted to be... She wanted to know about the pee hole. When I lost mine, this chick, she knew I was Jamaican and she just put on all this reggae. And I was like, I don't know how I feel about this at all. I used to have that problem myself.

I'd have a black person over to my house and I'd want to put on jazz and then I'd be like, you know what, I feel like they're going to think or like I'd want to put on some rap music and be like, wait, no, they're going to think that, or like I'd want to put on some rap music and be like, wait, no. They're going to think I'm doing that because like I'm having a black man over. But this is nice for black people, though. But they don't put on like, and then they'll look at, like I can't put on Weezer, though, because then it looks like I'm doing it.

So then you just put on Pantera and they don't think you're a racist. Zeppelin's always a good way to go. Yeah, Zeppelin's pretty solid. I'll tell you, my friend Josh Codds In college, I think I've told this a long time ago He loved American History X He works in Milwaukee, he takes care of He's a sociology worker, but the picture of American History X

Which is a great movie, of course Totally non-racist, but it's Edward Norton With a huge swastika tattoo And he's holding his hand against his chest Saluting like, you know, America And he had just had that on his hand against his chest saluting like you know america and he had just had that on his wall in his dorm room and then like everyone was just like super uncomfortable with it he couldn't understand why because it's such a good message um anyway what i'm saying is

white people get confused when it comes to how to deal with people his name was frank rebel the rebel all right he had a rebel flag in his room makes sense because his name's rebel but it ended up getting us in trouble because we had a confederate flag in our fucking house it's not loved like that i know so kevin you have that story where you were doing a road gig and a fella put on a biggie uh small shirt yeah yeah yeah yeah because he thought that was what he loved so much. That's what I'm talking about. Maybe he just wanted to wear the shirt.

No, but he was wearing a regular shirt and he saw me and went and changed. See, I have the opposite. I have the opposite situation where I'm saying like, yeah, Black Duke comes over and I'm like, well, I wanted to put on some rap, but like now it looks like I'm trying to be with the black

man, right? Like, he's going to look at me like an asshole. How come it doesn't go the other way? You know, how come I'm not going over black guys' houses? Every time I walk into a black dude's house, they're always putting on Inverdink Humperdick. Engelbert Humperdink? Engelbert Humperdick.

Some Hall of Notes. It's like, oh, it's merle haggard thank you but this is that thing it's just like black people don't care man we'll tell you to your face i hate white people say it right to your face and then hang out with you all day you could never do that never it's i think about that shit all the time you know like everybody's like all the blogs and shit Everybody gets all pissed off about politically correct shit But you listen to rap

No one cares at all They're just saying whatever It's beautiful They just don't care And white people who are extremely politically correct Are far too terrified to mention anything about it Oh yeah They don't say a fucking word about

some fucked up shit on, like, Kanye's album or whatever, talking about, you know, hating white people and shit. They used to, back in the day, back in the 90s,

well, Tipper Gore era. Yeah, they used to get really upset. Yeah, but they only went after two live crew. No, they went after N.W.A. Yeah. Ice-T, you know.

I mean, nobody has songs like Cop Killer anymore. They just talk about smoking weed. Like, who cares? Yeah, I smoke the most weed. Yeah, why? Who cares? Ice tea I mean nobody has songs Like cop killer anymore They just talk about Smoking weed Like who cares Yeah I smoke the most weed Yeah why Who cares

Let's go back to Killing cops in the old times I agree with you Cop killer is a Fucking good song Oh cop killer is great Alright now it's time For a segment from

Old McNeely Song of the summer Bitches Oh here we go Marcus owns a Multi-millionaire. He owns all the radio stations. He's a bigillionaire. So he's cumulus. Clear Channel. I own Clear Channel.

He can run whatever song he wants every single day. It's gonna have to be the Song of the Summer. So we're gonna all pitch him a song, and he'll tell us which one's gonna be. Do we have to write a song? You don't have to sing. You're allowed to sing some shit if you want. But basically, we just need a title and what the song's about.

I got it. And I've got a whole team that really knows what they're doing. We just need an idea to jump off. So I'm starting off. My song's called Swing It, Cock Ring, colon, subtitle, Cock Ring Helicopter. Right? Now listen to me now because this is business right here. The whole thing is that when this song

comes on, it's like, swing your cock ring, cock ring helicopter, swing your cock ring, cock ring helicopter, Vietnam, Vietnam, Vietnam, Vietnam, Vietnam, Vietnam to Nang. All right? When that happens, everyone takes their cocks out. They got these cock rings on and they

swing them around, right? And they're like, light light up cock rings we open up a cock ring business right subsidiary of the song they're like light up cock rings no one else makes them they're for the club just write the song about pizza no yeah i think why is more uh why in the world why no because it's got to be edgy, dude. Have you seen the way people dance now? They straight up fuck each other, man. You've got to get the cocks out at the club. They do exist, but we'll make a signature brand that

they vibrate to the beat of the song. We'll kind of use some of this new sex technology. They'll have different controls, and actually maybe we can create, like they have little ribs in a certain way that they swing your cock around better like at the club it'll be like beats headphones ah i get them yeah extremely overpriced for no reason extremely overpriced for no reason two different settings so that you can yeah exactly like all that good stuff there you go

all right swing your cock ring colon cock ring helicopter colon, cock ring helicopter. How about cock ring helicopter in parentheses? Don't fuck with my vision. I mean, you should really call it a cock. All right, well, that's not getting made because I obviously can't work with this man. Well, yeah, sure. If a fucking dickhead monkey is like, oh, put fucking change your vision. Then, yeah, I'm not going to be like, oh, thank you, sir. Thank you for fucking us all in the ass with your changes.

Just because you've got a billion dollars, you think you know something about fucking fucking us all in the ass with your changes just because you got a billion dollars you think you know something about fucking how money's get comes in anyways uh you know the song is simply called gunshots and bird noises and so what you do with this song is you buy it for one of the people who is one of those fucking nerds and wants to be all soothed and stuff. So they think it's bird noises. I'm talking about chirps. I'm talking about feathers rustling.

I'm talking about flapping wings. I'm talking about nests being built. All those soothing ass songs. But every once in a while, randomly, gunshots to fuck them up. We don't fuck with nerds at all, man. Okay, well that's not going to be a hit, but I still like it. It's going to have to be a hit, no matter what.

You make it a hit. I make it a hit. So, yeah, on the radio all the time, walking to a bodega, just nice bird noises, and then gunshots. Yeah. Hmm.

They're getting really minimalist with these pop hits lately. They are with the EDM and that. Yeah. The IDM. Yeah. What are they called? People like the sound of gunshots, man.

They love it. They do. What was that one Bone Thugs-N-Harmony song where the fucking beat was just a gun cocking and shooting off? Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's a great song. Except the show song, Cock the Hammer.

Yeah. Cock the Hammer. Yep. Everybody knows about it. Everybody loves it. All right, Ben, what do you got? Guess what we got? Well.

Well. Something lobster boy. Lobster. Ain't no lobster around. Ain't no lobster around. It's sung by an artist

imitation crab. All right. Eat No Lobster Around. Can you sing us a couple bars? It's sung by artist Imitation Crab. Hello. All right. So Imitation Crab is singing a song called Lobster Boy. Get around here. What's it all about? Is it a story song? Is it?

I got a lobster for a hand. That's a rock song is it i got a lobster for a hand um that's a rock song i i think i i have been eaten so how many stars would you give that out of 93 stars lobster for a hand out of 93 to 64 64 stars okay 64 stars out of 97. That's good. I've got a lobster hand. We have to move on. But somebody ate it. I made a mistake and I fell in some butter.

You could have said I made a mistake and fell in the cake. That would have rhymed. No, but butter goes with lobster and cake does not. Lobster cake. You didn't say the word lobster. You just picked a bunch of lobster and cake does not. Lobster cake. Everything's like crab cakes. You just pick a bunch of lobster and you put it together.

It's just real good. I don't know why this hasn't been said yet, but I wish we never did these segments. Oh, boy. I wish that was the song. I wish we never did these segments. I wish we never did these segments. Vietnam, Vietnam, boy. I wish that was the song. I wish we never did these segments. Yeah. I wish we never did these segments. Vietnam, Vietnam, Vietnam. Vietnam, Vietnam.

Da-nang. Da-nang. Tet Offensive. All right. So that's what I'm doing. Kat? I don't know. I either have, like, no idea or maybe, like, a song that captures, like, when you have

sex with somebody and you don't really like them and you fake an orgasm, but then you still have to get a UTI. Ooh. Faking it and taking it? Faking it and taking it. Faking it and taking it. How does it sound? Is it like a slow, sexy jam? There's nothing sexy about a UTI. But you get, I don't know, something about coupons for cranberry products.

How about this? UT lie. UT lie. UT lies. That's what it will be called. UT Lies. I like it. Amber, what do you got? My song is called Illuminati Boy Rape.

Okay. I'm already there. Get the message out. I just expose all the politicians and the fucking man that likes to fuck little boys. You know, like George Bush Sr. He was one of them.

There's a whole expose written about him. He killed Kennedy. What? No, that was George Prescott. That was Prescott Bush that killed Kennedy. No, that was Herbert Walker. He was head of the CIA, but the CIA killed Kennedy. No, no, the one before that, he was a Nazi.

That's right. Anyways, we just expose all the men that like to fuck little boys in these Illuminati parties. And we bring up the DEA agent that went missing in the Sandusky trial. And we just fucking shout his name over and over again.

It's like a hardcore rap song, you know. Just fucking Illuminati boy fuck. A boy fuck. Illuminati boy fuck, a boy fuck, Illuminati boy fuck, a boy fuck. It's catchy. Yeah, that is a good one. That's really good.

I mean, if any listeners out there want to take these to fruition, I can take that beat, man. Expose it. Give me the whole album. It'd be great. Absolutely.

Hey, that's the one to beat right there. What about Lobster? I did a Lobster thing there. Yeah. Can you sing us a little bit more of that? Because I think you sang a little more. Walking through the ghetto, I've got a lobster for a hand.

Wouldn't you believe that I slipped on somebody else's man, but then it was butter. And then now I'm eating my own hand because I'm so fat. Which is kind of fun. Yeah. Because you understand I have a lobster. Maybe that's what happened to that girl you knew. Maybe she ate her own hand. Hopefully.

Ed Larson. All right, so mine's like, because you've got to think about what worked in the past, and what works now is ripping people off from the past. Yeah. And so what I'm going to do, I'm going to go ahead and do that too. We're going to do Paradise City.

Okay. Mixed with Cheeseburger in Paradise. And so we're going to do Cheeseburger City. And we're just going to have a whole song. It's all about cheeseburgers and girls in bikinis. And we're going to have a good time. We're going to eat cheeseburgers and we're going to get grease on your tits. Is there any pro-gay marriage message happening in this song? Because that's popular.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Kiss your boyfriend. Eat a cheeseburger. It'll be a line. You know, like, maybe we can share a cheeseburger and fuck each other in the ass. Legally. Yeah, legally. It's all legal.

Let's go to Dallas and piss off some fucking pieces of shit. Right. Okay, that really is sort of, yes, we're getting a little political. It's good. It's a political message. Yeah, yeah. I mean, we have not heard him sing any of. It's good. It's a political message. Yeah, yeah. I mean, we have not heard him sing any of the lyrics. Yeah.

Marcus has a team. No, no, no. But I'd like to have some idea, something they can jump off with. All right, here. I'll give you like... Take me down to the cheeseburger city where the girls are fat and greasy. You know? Yeah. That's good.

That's real good. I'm thinking a very similar lyric. Are we... Any mention of Vietnam? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're real good. I was thinking a very similar lyric. Any mention of Vietnam? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're against it. Oh, yeah, no, it's pro-Vietnam. Oh.

We're bringing cheeseburgers to Vietnam. Very interesting. And then we're going to poison... That's Ed's standpoint. You see, too many good movies came out of the... Too many good films came out of the conflict in Vietnam, so Ed actually loves that Vietnam happened. And too many good... So much good music came out of the conflict in Vietnam, so Ed actually loves that Vietnam happened. And too many good... So much good music

came out of Vietnam, but none of it pro. I would have loved if there were some good pro Vietnam music that would have come out. It was just all Vietnamese. Vietnamese. Vietnamese. Man, okay, so it's a big... I mean, this is a big decision here.

It's between Illuminati boy rape and Cheeseburger City. Now, you're just denying... Illuminati boy rape. Well, there's got to be one rock song, there's got to be one rap song. Yeah, I'm going with both. I think you're right. Yeah, because you've got to play two different songs in order to keep the radio station going. You can't just play the same song on repeat.

Yeah, I've got a rap song for the rap station. I've got a rock song for the rock stations. And for everything else, I'm going with gunshots and bird noises. Hell yeah. That's some real shit, man. All right. Well, once again, the fix is in. Let's go around the table, gentlemen.

Thank you so much for being here, Amber Nelson. Thanks for having me. And that's Amber Smelson on Twitter. That's it. And that's Ed Larson, and that's What's Next Ed on Twitter. That's right, with little spaces. I hate that. I've got to change it. Well, you can change it. And that's Ed Larson. And that's what's next, Ed, on Twitter. That's right. With little spaces. I hate that.

I've got to change it. Well, you can change it. Someone else has Eddie Toons. I don't know what to do. They've never tweeted. There's a million Ed Larson's. I'm not even close to the most popular one. So aggravating.

Oh, stop. But, you know, the little underscore thing. I've got to think of something. I want to do Eddie Toons. Someone's got Eddie Toons. Email them. They never tweeted before. Get a hold of tunes. Email them. They never tweeted before. Get a hold of them.

DM them. Really? I gotta figure this out. You gotta friend each other first. Yeah. And then you can private message. They don't even look at their shit. This is never gonna happen for me.

I'm fucked. My whole Twitter thing's fucked. All right, well, that's a great plug. I try. Follow at faux Pope Francis. I've been keeping that up. No one follows me, but I still do it. You know, oh shit, I lost my hat.

You know, fun stuff like that. Oh, I love it. And listen to the brighter side, please. Of course. Alright, Holden. I don't have nothing. Good. At Murderfist, you know my... Yeah, keep going. Alright, Kevin Barnett, I am Ben Kissel. Thank you so much, Marcus Parks. I don't have nothing. Good. At Murderfest, you know my... Yeah, keep going. All right, Kevin Barnett.

I am Ben Kissel. Thank you so much, Marcus Parks. Thank you, Ben. And thanks for being here, Miss Timph. Oh, thank you. Timphomaniacs. Yes. What's your shit?

What's your bullshit? My bullshit is KC Timph. KC Timph? Yeah. I'd love to be K Timph. Someone named K Timph tweeted one. That's what I'm saying. It's difficult to steal Timf But someone named K Timf Tweeted one That's what I'm saying It's difficult to steal these names

Someone named K Timf If you don't tweet Tweeted one time And stole my shit That's right Oh and Fatboy Barnett Watched Friends of the People Coming in August

And Yeah so they're gonna remember that After hearing the Funkin' Podcast today Yeah of course they are This is exciting We should do a whole podcast about this Just about plugs And I'm on Facebook.

Yeah. Yeah. Find me on Facebook. Hit me up on Faboo. Are you on Faboo? I'm on Faboo. The roast of Marcus Parks, June 1st. We're hollering about it.

Time's getting close. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. It's getting really close. Marcus, how are you feeling about that roast? I already got my jokes written, man. I'm good. Your jokes are great.

Yeah. I got to write you. Fucking jokes, man. Damn. I wrote one for you. I'm excited. What jokes are great. Yeah, right. Fucking jokes, man. Damn. I wrote one for you. I'm excited. What was it, Mark? For me?

Yeah, for you. Oh, very nice. That's great. I just got to figure out how to deliver. I'm not a performer. Yeah? You know what's a good way to get people to laugh? Tickle them.

This thing like just pointing a lot. Point a bunch and like... If you just go to the audience and just start twinkling them. Oh, that's a piece of shit! Do that. There he is. All right, so June 1st, come down to the roast of Marcus Parks right here at the Creek in the Cave. It'll be amazing.

Absolutely. All right, everyone, we'll talk to you soon. Cheeseburger City, man, where the girls are fat and Grease's titties. A little bit. Maybe go with girls are fat and their chins are greasy. Oh, that's good.. A little bit. Maybe you go with girls are fat and their chins are greasy. Oh, that's good.

Fuck Axl Rose. Yeah. All right, we'll leave that on that. All right. We just wanted to say thank you to everybody who's donated to the

Kickstarter thus far. Yeah. Thank you. You rock. Sucking. Thank you, Ed. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. You rock. Sucking. Thank you, Ed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Thank you. Thank me.

Murder Fist Television, we've almost met our goal and we really appreciate everybody who's helped out. Namely, I want to thank our top tier donators. Obviously, we already said thank you to Corey Griffin. I also wanted to say thank you. Take it back. I wanted to say thank you to Dan McNamara. Dan McNamara, my good buddy.

The Atomic Meatball Mark is that a thank you buddy I really appreciate it And then we also have a special thank you to Sina John Our good buddy Yeah from the brighter side We're going to watch some bad movies with that dude And also out in LA Ned Johnson who we used to do

Some early film work with Yeah yeah he's a nice dude Then we got Matt Byers Jeff Anonymous Jeff Benjamin Ragheb early film work with yeah yeah he's a nice dude then we got matt byers jeff anonymous jeff benjamin ragheb get a get by a new name all right thank him for the thing bobby york ben epps dan morris and chris aurelio thank you guys so much also thank you to our good buddy jason coulter dude thank you so much for your donation. You fucking rule. From a fantastic sketch group, Rubitalia.

On top of him, we've also got John Pack from Rubitalia who donated as well. Thank you so much, man. Tom Jordan, Jennifer McIntosh, Jen, Cthulhu WTF, Naomi Arjomankermani, Kevin Helmer, Ian Fishman, Evan Kaufman, Mac Blake, Selena Coppock, Mindy,

I think that's Mindy Tucker. But we don't want to, you don't want to make assumptions. I can't make assumptions. You'd be a fucking prick if you're making assumptions. I can't make assumptions. It could be Mindy fucking. Ryan Fike,

Jesse Pop, Paul Painter, Ben, Anonymous Ben, Aaron Elias, Pete Zurich, Aaron Coughlin, love ya, Betsy Winchester, Anonymous Ben, Aaron Elias, Pete Zurich, Aaron Coughlin, love ya, Betsy Winchester, love ya too,

Jesse Gold, Eric Donner, Atchison, and Sean Duffy. I feel like a fucking teacher who's lost their job because they don't know how to talk to their students. Alright, well, we'll have more shoutouts coming soon for ya. If you didn't hear your name this time, you definitely will eventually.

We love you guys. We're going to make this fucking pilot. It's going to be incredible. We get extra money. We're going to fly out people. We're going to get guest stars. We're going to blow up a cop car. Get a makeup person.

We're going to fucking get hookers. We're going to get hookers. We see. We're going to use it for real things. Well, anyways, guys guys thank you so much and uh we'll see you soon we'll talk to you soon