The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 198: Do-Badders

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

This week on Round Table: a cat that looks like Hitler got beat up for looking like Hitler, a wave of penis disappearances take Burkina Faso by storm, and a man tries to have sex with an ATM. Joining us today: Mark Normand!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay out, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Yeah! Oh, you don't want that! Oh, let's talk about it. Are we good to go? Keep all that in, please. Kevin's condom broke. Alright, Marcus.

Let's start. Alright, well, dear lord, get some energy. Dear lord! There you go. Dear lord, please. Thank you. Get angry. Look at holding. Good God. Dear Lord, please. Wake these fuckers up. Thank you. Yeah, look. Yeah, get angry.

Look at Holden. Get upset. Hi, hi. Pray to God to kill Holden. No, I'm going to pray to God. No? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to pray to God to save our sweet maiden Jackie. Yeah, man.

I'm fucking eating chips, but I don't feel good. All right, all right. Move on. I can't even understand the correlation at all. Please save Jackie. Kill Holden. Let Ed lose some weight. Not too much.

Not too much, because then he'd look weird. Yeah, he'd come straight out of his balls. You look like Mark. Hold on, Norman. Oh, sorry, bad radio joke. It Mark. Hold on, Norman. Oh, sorry. Bad radio joke, by the way. It's a visual joke, yeah. The worst radio joking make.

Sorry. Visual joke about someone nobody knows. All right, take it easy. Good God. Marcus, finish your prayer. And let Ben get some of his loose skin fixed. Shut up. All right, the whole thing's done.

Actually, I was thinking about that the entire time you said that, because I was just imagining you with all this loose-ass skin like Ben. But I didn't say it. Let the moment pass. But somebody got on it, and that's beautiful, man. I don't like this show anymore, and I don't want to do it. I'm upset. And please let Kevin have all of his condoms break

so that he might populate the world with bird poogers. He'd be such a funny, fun daddy. He would be the best daddy. Oh, man, how upset would you be if your kid came out and was just covered in feathers? I mean, really not upset at all. Amen. All right. Welcome to the Roundtable of Gentlemen, everybody. All right, let's just go through the names as we always do.

Jackie Zabrowski. Yeah, I'm a sick princess, but I still sound good. You're not a princess and you sound terrible. Oh, but... Why is my microphone wearing a jacket? What? It's a different microphone. It's a different microphone.

All right, I'm Ed Larson. Let's keep this moving. All right, so we'll have to pick up the fucking Jackie Wade here. Okay. Holdenators, ho! In slow mo. I can't handle that. All right, everybody.

I want to thank you for your allegiance. I want to thank you for the gift cards I've gotten to Amazon and to the movie theater. All of my allegiances out there. Thank you so much for supporting me. And get out of the house and make something out of yourselves. Believe in yourself. My thoughts on every time you speak is that it's incredibly unnecessary. Yep.

I am Bird Luger in the building. All right. And of course, I'm Ben. But in the chuckle hut, we got Mark, who is roommates with Bird Luger himself. How you doing, Mark? Yeah, special uninvited guest, Mark Weitz here. That's great. And you're a workout god. You enjoy being in shape. I do. Have you ever felt thinner

than being around us fatties? No. That's great. And then, of course, we have the very talented Mark Norman. Hey, good to be back. Thanks for being here, Mark. Now, Mark, you were just on NBC's last comic standing. Yes. What happened? What'd you

do? How'd you place? Oh, boy. Well, I made it to the semis. That's good. Yeah. What does that mean? That means I made it. He's got a half-hard dick. The erection thing, yeah. The thing. Well, sitting between these two.

No, visual joke. Gimme, gimme, gimme. Leave him alone, Jackie. So anyway, was your experience good on Last Coming Skating? Yeah, it was good. I mean, I'm not supposed to. They put out a big email saying if you talk about it before it's out, you'll get sued for a million dollars. They can go suck my fucking million dollar balls because that's not happening

and no one's listening to this. All right. So the judges, as you know, are Roseanne, Russell Peter, and Keenan Ivory Wayans. Holy Lord. Yeah, you didn't know that? I did not know that.

Yeah, it's very awkward because they're all hacks. Usually you want to fuck a judge, but I'll tell you, Roseanne, Keenan Ivory Wayans, and who's the other guy? Russell Peters. Holy Christ.

I know. I don't even know If Kenan did comedy ever No I don't think so Yeah I don't know So you had to go on stage You had to perform Stand up comedy In front of these people

Yeah And then they judged you When they were malicious They were nice I mean I did well So they were nice But like They cut some people down

I mean one girl Ran out crying Roseanne is supposed to be like Who was this gal That ran out crying? Kelly Selmy I don't know her name But she came in

She's got like eight kids She's like I'm gonna take over And she just bombed Oh an egotistical mess though Yes You have to have quite an ego To have eight kids Yeah yeah yeah

She was a terrible person Yeah fuck anyone With more than two kids Totally What are you doing? Stop it Knock it off Trying to create your own little Jonestown

My grandparents had like 13 dude Oh Yeah Things were different back then Yeah different cultures Different times times, different era. There were condoms in Jamaica. But it was a good experience overall, this reality show? I think so.

It was good. You get some exposure. I've gotten a ton of followers and whatnot now. It's good because I got two sets on, and I don't want to be like a last comic guy. I just want to get on and get out, get the credit and get out. But I had some good lines, and they cut them out. They cut all the lines out? Yeah, they cut my – they But I had some good lines, and they cut them out. They cut all the lines out. Yeah, they left the stand-up in, but they cut out the banter.

At one point, Keenan Avery Wayans said, Hey, I like your material, but you have no confidence. And I said, Thanks, Damon. And that killed. That's very good. That's classic stuff. In the theater, too. Boom.

And he goes, But don't worry, you're a good writer. And I said, You, too. I loved white chicks. And that hit So he told you He had no confidence Mark we've been Performing stand up comedy

Forever All we have is confidence To get on stage And grab a microphone By definition Is confidence Well the producers Came out and stopped the show

And said you gotta be meaner This is no good You're too nice So they were like Alright so they're making up Bullshit insults now It's all bullshit Was that the whole Kronberg thing Was that after. So they were like, all right, so they're making up bullshit insults now. It's all bullshit.

Was that the whole Cronenberg thing? Was that after that? Yeah, and Kevin is referencing Ben Cronenberg, who was dissed on by this Roseanne gal. She didn't like him. What'd she say? She hasn't been relevant in 25 years. She had that almond farm.

And the roast. Yeah, she had the roast. Yeah. But she's a loon. I mean, she's a nut. Yeah, she was a nut show. She has a personality disorder. Yeah, she had the roast. Yeah. But she's a loon. I mean, she's a nut. Yeah, she was in that show. She has multiple personality disorder. Yeah, she does.

She's legitimate crazy. One of them should be thin. Because they legitimately think that y'all, everybody, just like open micers have just started doing comedy. Because she was treating them like that. Yeah, well, that's the shitty thing about the show

is they'll treat like a Kurt Metzger or a Mike Vecchione just the same way they'll treat like a rapping granny. We're all the same to them, which is the worst. And the work doesn't go into it. They don't give a shit the fact that you do multiple clubs. We have to start the show early tonight because you've got four

shows tonight. Kevin and I have six shows. So we have to start the show early. I have nine shows. And Holden has nine shows, but they don't care about it. 25 shows. Jackie has 25 fucking shows. That's amazing. Roseanne used to, now that I know her writer's name, she used to give them

numbers. Really? There was something, there was somebody who used to write on, he wrote on Roseanne, he wrote on a ton of shows, and they were talking about it, and something I was working on, they were like, the guy, basically, because

so many of those sitcoms have the same formula, it's the exact same storylines for everything. So literally this guy was working on Roseanne and a bunch of other shows but he started doing this at Roseanne where he'd be like he knew none of the characters' names at all. He was like the head writer. He'd literally be like, okay, so fuckface

comes in and he says this and dickface comes in and he says that shit. We did the same thing in whatever show, but yeah, we'll just do it here. It's like having a sex party with Mark Cuban. That sounds wonderful. What's funny is everybody's like, that show is groundbreaking. Well, yeah, they were just all fat. That was the only thing.

They were just huge and ugly. With Roseanne. So your overall experience with the last comic stand, was it positive? It was positive because I did some sets. I got exposure that you make some money and you leave. Yeah, and that's it. Other than that, yeah. All right.

All right. Well, let's get to a news story with Marcus Parks. Congratulations, Marcus. Yeah, by the way, congratulations. Everyone's doing wonderful. All of our friends, by the way, Mark, you know this. Mike Racine. Oh, God, I'm coding?

Check out the Mike Racine. My parents say I should be on TV. And you will be soon. You will be soon. You're a wonderful and talented fellow. You'll shoot somebody soon. Take it easy. Too soon.

Oh, sorry. Sorry. Oh, Lord. Can't drive a car. What's the one thing? I cannot drive a car, but I should be on television. Thank you. Coordinators.

Don't. Oh. Okay. The owner of a cat in Britain claimed her pet suffered a severe beating that led it to being blind in one eye, all because the feline looked like Hitler. All right, let's see this. Wow. And he does look like Hitler. That mustache is too big.

I mean, can you put human dictators that created mass atrocities on cats? I mean, can you do that? If you're a cat, you don't know you look like Hitler. No, you've never heard of Hitler. Never heard of him. Yeah, because he's too busy looking like Meowth

Salini. Take it easy, Jackie. You're sick. Jackie, you're ill. Don't talk anymore. There was no need for that, Jackie. That's a Native American call. There was no need for that.

Whatever sickness you got, I want it. Oh, my Lord. Yeah, probably would have gotten you fucking farther on Lanscombe Extended. Rose would have loved the Mousalini line. Meow, Meow-salini. Mousalini line. Meow, Mouselini. Mouselini. We didn't deserve that, man. I don't think

we deserved it at all. And then when she was cheering, her mouth was all open. I could see all the chips. I got a lot of chips in my mouth. What do you mean chips? Chips and guacamole

and salsa. What's wrong with you right now? I feel great. This makes me feel good. Okay? So a bunch of... It doesn't matter. Were Jews that beat up the cat?

No. It better be. Kirstie Sparrow of Treadworth, Gloucester, said she became worried after a seven-year-old cat, Baz, had gone missing for several days last week. The pet was found by a neighbor Thursday in a trash bin, badly bruised and cut. Sparrow rushed Baz to a nearby vet who surgically removed the cat's left eye as it had been severely damaged. The pet's owner said she believed Baz was attacked due to its distinctive physical features

reminiscent to those of the notorious Nazi dictator. Oh, shut the fuck up. That's not why your cat was beat. It's possible. Your cat was beat because it was a cat. I just watched a documentary about Jews and rightfully so. If you're a Jewish person around during the 1940s in Germany and stuff, you'll be upset.

And Poland wasn't a great place. But they did a massive roundup of all folks who were in the concentration camps, a German roundup, where they murdered a bunch of the German people, and up to 60,000, they were saying, Nazis were murdered in cold blood. Post-World War II. There's a whole group of Jewish individuals who went out and did it. Rogues, man. That's a great movie. I was about to say, I want to see that movie.

Actually, when they did when that X-Men, Ordnance, or whatever, Magneto was just killing up all the Nazis, that was only like 10 minutes of the movie. That should have been the whole movie. The whole movie. It was fucking great. Is there any greater group of people to kill than Nazis?

No. Or Nazi cats? No, everyone's on board. Yeah. It's pure evil. It's so much fun. That's why World War II is my favorite. Because we fought evil. We did good.

It's fucking fascinating, man. Yeah. It's just like, jeez. I'm so into World War II, man. Hey, you ever watch Kim Burns' The War? Yeah. I'm watching it right now. It's fantastic.

The way that they open on the whole documentary, like the guy who was like his girlfriend, he was trying to talk to some girl and she didn't want him and then so he went to the bar

and they wouldn't serve him because he was too young so he got out, went in his motorcycle, drove it through the bar, drove out, and then signed up for the Marines. And that man became Captain America.

Are you kidding me? And that's the day that I knew I had to go into the army. You committed a lot of felonies, sir. Before these felonies didn't even exist back then. It was a freer time in the goddamn American states.

It really was. Everybody was having a good time then. Well, I mean, the guys at war weren't having a good time. The Great Depression was kind of a bummer.

It wasn't bad. Mark, you had something to say about the Japanese. It was so cool how tough the Japanese were. I mean, they were the enemy. Don't get me wrong, but they had so much pride.

They would just stab themselves. They're like, ah, I lost my gun. I'm going to get killed out there. I'll just kill myself. I'm going to let a round die do it. Oh, round die. Like, ah, I lost my gun. I'm going to get killed out there. I'll just kill myself. I won't let a round-eye do it, you know. Oh, round-eye.

That's a nice racial term for the whites. That makes me mad. Shut up, you fucking round-eye. Hey, man, listen, that was real selfish of you to say it's only whites. Man, there's a lot of people that got round-eyes, man. We don't got round-eyes. It's everybody that's not Asian, man. That's true.

That was real selfish, man. All right, Mark, what do you think? Kickboxers, they got round eyes? No, that's where that comes from, man. Does it come from kickboxing? Kickboxing, man. Round eyes, slant eyes. Oh, really?

That's Mark, and Mark is roommates with Kevin Barnett. Mark, what's one of the things that you've seen Kevin do that Kevin would never want to know that anybody's done? That's the wrong way to say it. You all knew. You know what he was trying to do. Tell us the secret about Kevin. That's a different way to say it.

But what's one thing that you know that Kevin's done that no one ever wants to see Kevin do? I got no secrets, man. Luger is out here. Luger. What do you think, Mark? I don't know. I'd have to pay more attention. Yeah, he just doesn't even care about Kevin.

Yeah, that's great. That's great. Oh, so they killed this cat because of shit. No, the cat's alive. No, the cat's fine. Sparrow, the woman who owns the cat, she said, a lot of people say he looks like Hitler, but he's so timid and gentle. I couldn't believe the

state of him. His eye was all swollen. It was like a marble. They said he was unlikely to have been hit by a car, as there were no other injuries, and that he was probably kicked. He might be Hitler. Hitler was very timid. He was very kind and soft-spoken in a lot of ways.

I don't know about kind. You just called Hitler kind into a microphone. No, no, I'm not saying kind. I'm saying... No, no, no. Nazi lover. Jack, you take it easy or ill.

That's a sound bite, huh? No, stop it, Mark. You can't be a dude who's had a grandfather that was a Nazi. And they call Hitler kind. Oh, everyone's attacking me now. Because their wives said Hitler was coming. Where are you coming from? He had German shepherds.

He was very much in love with his puppies. He was in love with the puppies, but he spoke kindly to the people. He said negative things, but this is why everyone followed him. The thing about German dudes, I remember when I used to work as a mover and there was this dude who was German as fuck.

He was like an Aryan German blonde haired blue eyed Hitler's dream so scary and yeah he kept being like he was always like he was straight up

he'd been in the United States for like two months he's like people always come up to me and they always say like all these things they're yelling at me and saying I'm a racist

and they say I'm a blah blah blah it's all because of Hitler he's talking about like how that whole shit like ruined his life and every other country he goes to and then he just kept saying that we felt bad for him because like you know he's just getting attacked that whole shit ruined his life and every other country he goes to. And then he just kept saying

that we felt bad for him because he's just getting attacked all the time. He's an Aryan German. But then four hours later he's just like, but you know, Hitler was a very smart man.

It's like, no! No, you didn't fucking hit him in the nose with a newspaper. Yeah, treat him like dogs. He was smart, though. I mean, he nailed it. He did his job. He's a great speaker.

I'll tell you, if the man were to have taken over the world, when was the last time you were concerned about the Native Americans? It's like, the victors get the storyline, right? If Hitler would have won the war, we would have never heard anything about the concentration camps. You never hear, like, Stalin isn't...

I was talking about this with somebody last night. Stalin isn't painted as this horrible monster. Because he lost. But he killed more people than Hitler did. He was killing everybody. Yeah, but Hitler got the prize. I don't know why. I think it's because he liked to get shat on.

The concentration camps were so overly horrific. I think that's why we have so much documentation. It's the methods. What would you do if you were put into a concentration camp? overly horrific. I think that's why we have so much documentation. It's the methods. What would you do if you were put into a concentration camp? Die. Thank God. Pretty much die. Don't say that. I'd probably try to get

work in laundry. That's probably the way I'd like to kind of work it. Master, my laundry came back all like like, goopy. It came back goopy. I am improv-ing. Holden and I are fighting today.

No, we're fine, though, now. No, we're fighting over our lease. Yeah. You got to stay in that house, man. I mean, I got to go. I got to go, eventually. Do you, though? Yeah.

Holden wants to move in with his eventually. Do you though? Yeah. Holden wants a movie with his girlfriend. It's not for Ben. You know, Ben's great and everything, but you know. I just want to get the least not in my life. I don't know. I think he's free. He should do what he wants.

No, man. He needs some control, man. He needs some guidance. Clearly. He needs me in his apartment. Kissel gives me great guidance at two in the morning. At two in the morning watching a horror movie. All right. But yeah, I don't have a problem.

The only person I have beef with would be Unlimited Lives Podcast. Oh, yeah. Why don't you like the Unlimited Lives Podcast? Holdenators, go hit them up. Because, you know, I asked to be booked. Like, every comic got every shitty you realize that like last podcast round table all the podcasts that we do together are like one two and three on the site right you want to be on like podcasts like 17 i want to talk about video games and they

will not let me fucking do it so if you're not going to do it here, that's for fucking sure. Absolutely not. Thank you, man. Thank fucking Christ, man. I want to talk about Mario, and I want to talk about tennis and golf with it. Right. To me, these people are geniuses. Yeah. Jackie, you're ill. Jackie just dropped her salsa.

That's fine. Can you describe the way you're feeling right now? I'm feeling like Plugged You know like I got a big fucking rod up my ass But instead in my face Like I have a big rod in my face

That's nice That's not bad Alright What's another story? Kitty Hitler got killed All right. What's another story? Kitty Hitler got killed. No, he's got feet. Oh, my Lord.

It doesn't matter. It's fine. We'll say Kitty Hitler got killed is a fun thing. Doesn't even look like Hitler. Mustache too long and wide. It looks like he has a poo on his lip. I've seen a different picture of a cat that very much so actually looks like Hitler, right? I can find a much better Hitler cat. Did a guy go to jail for teaching his dog to howl?

I don't know. I'm pretty sure that happened. Oh, come on. What are you in for? Pedophilia. How about you? Don't ask. I teached my dog.

Absolutely. A guy went to jail for five months for... Oh, my God. I read the news. I know what's going on. You read odd news. This happened in 2007. How did you remember this?

It's a fun story. It's a good story. He went to jail for what? What did he do? He meticulously trained his dog to put his right paw in the Nazi salute every time he yelled, Heil Hitler. That's just kind of funny. Yeah, it's great. And that's a good teacher.

He could teach other dogs tricks. He went to jail for five months for teaching his dog a trick? That's it, right? That's all it is. It's a dog trick. What was he actually arrested for? He was arrested for, I can't remember what the law is in Germany, but in Germany they can't.

Oh, this was in Germany. Oh, that's what it is. That's what it is. In Germany. Very sensitive. Yeah. Yeah. And rightfully so.

I see. Yeah, it's weird out there, man. Like, I remember, like, Wolfenstein, that game is illegal in Germany. I remember every time I would go up, it would say, it would say, like, it was like a felony in Germany to be playing Wolfenstein. The guilt there is insane. We think we have white guilt here.

The guilt in Germany is insane. But you know what's happening? It's bubbling up now. The whole Nazi movement is getting bigger and bigger because they now feel like they're...

Good, let's fucking kill them again. No, they feel like an oppressed minority. You gotta let them... They are. They're fucking horrible people. Nazis are an oppressed minority now for you, Eddie?

You Jew? You're telling me. Oh, wipe them off the goddamn plate. Oh, get rid of them. What are you, crazy? This is what I'm saying. We got skinheads now. Oh, no, yeah, now it's scary.

Well, oh, I don't know if it's scary yet. But this is what I'm saying. As soon as they feel oppressed, they feel like they have a right to rise again. You know, so you got to let them feel like they're okay. It's like, okay, whatever, you little fucking dumb Nazi. As soon as they feel like shit's going against them, they're coming back. There was a Madame Treshaw that opened up in Berlin, and they had a Hitler in there. And when they opened the new Hitler exhibit, it was under an hour before someone jumped over and ripped its head off.

You've got to rip its head off. You've got to rip its head off. Well, that's the thing. Those people are still fucking alive. The people that went through that are still alive. You can't put up a wax Hitler. Oh, yeah, exactly. You can't fucking take pictures.

That's insane. That is insane. That's completely insane. I agree with ripping its fucking head off. Put a wick on the top of it. Let people burn it down. That'd be kind of fun. If there was someone who was like the face of slavery,

which doesn't exist, but if there was someone who was like the face of slavery, which doesn't exist, but if there was one person that was the face of slavery. That guy lucked out, by the way. Because there is a guy. There is a guy. There is a dude who started it all. That's what's cool about America is if you trained your dog to say the N-word, you'd get some high fives. Oh, yeah.

It's a talking dog. Holy Lord. Yeah, that's not a bad idea. Marcus, you look hard at work. He's trying to find the father of slavery. Modern slavery. Yeah, yeah, because that's to be a pharaoh then, in the other way. No, it's not J. Marion Sims.

I don't know why he came up. What did he do? His most significant work was to develop a surgical technique for the repair of the vesciovaginal fistula. Who gives a shit? Oh, my fistula. Fuck him. What do you think, Eddie?

What do you want to train your dog to do? I don't know. Go to sleep? Go to bed? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it? Hang out, yeah. Lay down.

Be nice? Get you a beer maybe sometimes? A sandwich? No, he can't have dogs making sandwiches. What do you think this is? I want my dog to do as little as possible. Not bark. You know, it would be great.

I love to teach my dog not to bark. I want a dog, though. I need one real bad. Oh, you'll do great with a dog. Yeah. What you going to do with a dog, though, man? Hang out, man. For real?

Give me a reason to go home, not fucking see people. Definitely. I will say, I mean, five months in prison for trading your dog to hail, even in Germany, this seems excessive. Yeah, what if he's hailing a cab? Regardless, if a dog hails, it's not going to look like he's

cute. He don't got the suit. He's a dog. I mean, if he had a little Nazi armband on his paw or some shit. It would be was a dog. Yeah. I mean, he had a little Nazi armband on his paw or some shit. That actually would, you know,

still kind of cute. Here's the thing, man. I'm a minority. I'd be in that group of people that Hitler would be killing, but if I saw a dog

hailing Hitler when a dude said hail Hitler, I'd be like, ha ha. Yeah. Here's the treat. Yeah, man.

I'd call him A-Dog Hitler. Oh, I got to get out of here. Mark's got it. Mark's got it. He's Salini. He's Salini. He's Salini. The dog was called Adolf, in fact.

This guy really loved Hitler. Yeah, this guy liked Hitler. I love it. It's like sometimes you get off his dick, man. It's like, what's this dude doing? Ben, would you say that Hitler had a beautiful mind? I would say this about Adolf Hitler. Okay.

No, Adolf Hitler, I think we all know, was a human being who came to power because of a certain vacuum that needed to be filled. And he filled it. And you know what? The irony of Hitler, the negativity that he actually created in reality, he did through positivity. And that's a good politician. You say things that are encouraging, and regardless of what you're saying, you have people do everything that you want them to do. I'm asleep. But this is it.

Anyway. So that's what he did. And that's all he did. There's no doubt that he was a great speaker. If you listen to Hitler's speeches, it's actually... It just sounds like he's screaming, though. You watch those speeches and you're like... It's like, that's not charismatic.

Why is he dancing? I want pyrotechnics. Playing the saxophone, yeah. Yeah, yeah. He was so charismatic that he convinced an entire nation to just kill an entire group of people. That's charisma. And Mark, of course, you know Joe Mackey. Let's just say

that Joe Mackey may win last comic standing on NBC. But there's a great Joe Mackey joke, and Mark, you probably know it better than I do. Just the whole joke is like people compare Obama to Hitler at some point that happened, and he's like, come on, Hitler was way better speaker. Look, if Hitlerler wanted to have health care we would have health

care and then he convinces he discusses his uh brown eyes and black hair that's right about how folks uh he uh he told told everyone to hate everybody uh he convinced a bunch of blonde haired blue-eyed people to hate brown-haired people when he had brown hair. Yeah, which is phenomenal. I'm going to start talking. It's like selling a shoe salesman a shoe. What happened? I don't know, man.

Molly happened, man. Dude. Oh, you're on Molly? No. Last night. Last night. Oh, okay. Either way, enough Hillary.

I think it took my funny away. But you know who got fucked over in the Holocaust is the gypsies. No one talks about that. Yeah, the gypsies got crushed. Fuck gypsies. I think you were against the gypsies. I hate gypsies. Why?

You had an experience with some gypsies a couple weeks ago. Always have experiences with gypsies. They're shysters. They're thieves. That's the story. They're fucking do-batters. Are they tramps? Do-batters?

Do-batters. That's my new favorite thing. They're ne'er-do-wells. Do-batters. Are they tramps? Do-batters? That's my new favorite thing. They're ne'er-do-wells. Do-batters. Eddie, what's wrong with the gypsies? They're tricky little fuckers, man. They are tricky, man. First of all, they all run psychic shops and pretend like if they know the future, they wouldn't be fucking sitting on the side of the street.

I'll tell you that much. Good point. They're fucking pieces of shit, stealing from everyone who's weak, always trying to do money exchange games. They're fucking slippery little cocksuckers. Don's weak, always trying to do money exchange games. They're fucking slippery little cocksuckers. Don't they sign the credit card receipt with a wrong name so they can refuse the bill? They do anything they can do to shy you out of the corner. They're the worst, man.

The psychic thing drives me nuts. There is nothing psychic about them. No. Why? What do you think, Kevin? Why do people believe that? Oh, I hate them. You don nothing psychic about them. No. Why? What do you think, Kevin? Why do people believe that? Oh, I hate them. You don't like the gypsies?

Oh, yeah, no. That's why, like, for example, like, you know, Panama City in Florida is like an hour from Tallahassee where we all went to school. Yeah. I had a love-hate relationship with that place because it was a great place to hang out whenever it was full of fucking gypsies, man. We all just hated these gypsies. All they did was try to hustle you for everything. That's It was full of fucking gypsies, man. We all just hated these gypsies. All they did was try to hustle you for everything.

That's all they do. They're hustlers, man. They're hustlers. But do you respect their game? I mean, is this a thing? Listen, listen, listen. Let me tell you something about Luger right now. Luger respects the hustle at all points.

That don't mean that I can't not hate a person who has tried to hustle me and has succeeded. I watch my Big Fat American Gypsy Life. It's great. Oh, that's a funny show. It's funny. They're always coming in the store 2 a.m. right before we close with a bunch of children. Bring your fucking children home. What's wrong with you?

Seven-year-old kid. Just 69 and on the table. Is that what they're doing? Yeah, right in front of the kids. 69 and each other. They are? Yeah. It's animals other They are? Yeah It's animals

They are animals man No Running around with their Fucking bandanas on Complaining about gypsies too Sickle Get that gypsy Holy lord

What was that Kevin? No man He's like no You see them They're coming in With all their fucking bags And their fucking bandanas And shit

Playing their game boys Cause they don't got a place Where they can sit down And play a console Like a real person. Who needs a belt that jingle jangles? All right. Well, I think we've had a lot of gypsy talk.

Mark, you had a say. I always wondered, you see these palm reading shops in like the West Village or East Village or whatever. You know, they say like 75% of restaurants close. How do these stay open? What are they doing? Because morons pay. Is that it?

Yes. For what? I've never seen anyone go into one of those places. My mother does it, man. All the women in my family, they'll give them like 80 bucks to fucking lie to them for an hour. It's so aggravating. Yeah, my ex-girlfriend, her mom was all into it. It's good stuff. I think it's

better than therapists. She'd have a session with them and, well, told her we'd stick around for a while. And that fucking obviously didn't happen. Oh, did your beautiful girlfriend break up with you because you were not attractive? Yes. Yes. She was with a man who looks like a model.

Oh, my God. And I just wonder what went through his head when he met me. You know? Oh, I could. I bet she went down like three notches in his book. No, what went through his head. Hey, pal, how you doing? You should just be as horrible as I am.

Yeah, I put my log in her. I put my fucking log in that one. That's the worst thing in the world is to see the dude before him like, Jesus Christ, she'll fuck anything. I'm not special at all. And you put your log in her a lot. And I used to listen to you guys having sex as we were roommates at the time and I always

thought that you did a good job with her. Thank you. I could hear Ben turn it. We've talked about this in the podcast. I could hear him turn the volume down on the movie he was watching in the living room to hear more of what we were doing.

Oh yeah, I was there one time for that. It was great. Really wild stuff. Was she a moaner? What's that? Was she a moaner? No, no. She was a sleeper. Ah. Yeah, she would just fall asleep. I was with a moaner once, though, and then we'll never let you hear the end of it.

Well, there was a woman in her room who was like, do not. You gotta bleep that. I'll bleep it.. Whoa! You got to bleep that. I'll bleep it. I'll bleep it. Don't worry. I'll bleep that. I'll bleep that.

All right. All right. All right. All right. You don't want to piss off that cunt. Take it easy. Take it easy. I never said her name.

Take it easy. All right. Let's move on. Let's move on. No, it's still a story. Yeah. It's still a story. It's still a story.

I don't want to bleep the name out. All right. Gypsies, tramps still a story. Yeah, it's still a story. I don't believe the name out. Gypsy's Trampson Thief. She was a real tramp and she definitely stole his semen. First of all, she didn't become what I feel like she is now to us on social

media back then. Or I never would have done it, but it was just one night stand and I went home and, oh, one night stand. Great tits. Very attractive. Were they like nanners? Piggy nipples, yeah. Can you imagine? You're bleeping

the name out, right? Of course I am. Of course. Oh, hold it. Hold it. Hold it. Hold it. I feel like we're all too drunk for tonight's show. Hold it. Hold it. Hold it. Hold it. Hold it. Hold it. Hold it. Hold it. Hold it. Hold it. Hold it. Hold it.

Hold it. Hold it. Hold it. Hold it. Hold it. Hold it. I feel like we're all too drunk for tonight's show. Hold it.

This is what, you know, it was one of those where I was like, I know I'm not doing that good, right? Yeah. I am hammered. I hate when they do that. I'm bad at fucking at this point in the night, like knocking it out of the park. Yeah, yeah. It was not like-

Literally, a couch that is being humped did more work than you did. It was disgusting. The only thing worse of it, she yelled out, I'm a holdinator. Well, I'll tell you one thing.

She's definitely a hoe. That's good. No, it wasn't. Not at all. That's kind of funny. What do you mean? This is a high standard for hoe puns, man.

Louis Chris had two songs about it. Oh, I don't listen to that music. That's a punny... You sounded like the guy who was the head of slavery when you said that. Take it easy. The whole episode's got to be erased. I can't deal with all this. I'm going to get a shirt that has a picture of your face

and just say head of slavery. Can you not? Oh, I'm doing it. Good lord. That's a great idea. If you were to wipe one race off the face of the planet, who would it be, Ben? Gypsies.

Well, okay. Gypsy, gypsy, gypsy. Is that a race? First of all, it's a question of race. I don't think that's a race. Yeah, they're called Romani. Romani, Romanian. Well, that's what they call themselves.

Gypsies hate being called gypsies. They want to be called Romani. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Romanians are like, fuck that, you're gypsies. No one wants to claim them. So what are you doing, Ben? Are we Asians? What are we doing?

Small town Eskimo. Oh. Yeah. Don't even notice. Come in the night. That's right. That's right. Small town Eskimo. Don't even notice. Come in the night. That's right. Small town Eskimo. What animal?

Mosquito. Get rid of them. They serve no purpose. I hate the fucking mosquito. No, they don't. Spitting disease. The females are the only ones that eat that blood. The dudes are out there

Getting that fruit man Men are nicer than women Also Jurassic Park You wouldn't have Jurassic Park Without a mosquito Yeah exactly Yeah They're in there

I'll shoot all those dead people For Yeah I'm not getting those back If I can't have my Jurassic Park Everyone's gonna die Why don't you just keep on talking For 20 minutes?

You got real serious. God, you're creepy. I'll tell you. The roast of Marcus Parks. June 1st, right here, 8 p.m. at the Creek in the Cave. Is that right? Yeah.

Next Sunday. Do you want to be on the dais? I'd love to come by, yeah. You're on the dais. Are you free? Oh, I can tear you apart. I know. Are you free?

8 p.m. June 1st? I think. What day of week is that? It's a week from tonight, Sunday. Oh, yeah, I'm here. Mark Norman newly added to the dais. Look at that. Making moves.

Sandy, we're booking. Send me a list of who else is, you know, so I can start writing. Jared Logan, Mike Racine, Kevin. Amber Nelson. Amber, Jackie, Henry, Rebecca Trent. You did that great Rebecca joke a couple years ago. What was it? Someone calls her our mom of comedy, but she's not a good mom, you know, because she gives us old drugs and fucked a couple of us.

I forgot about that. She's the real Mama Larson. All right, let's do another news story. A man was killed by a mob Monday in Cudugu, a town in central Burkina Faso, after being accused of making another man's penis disappear. I forgot the punchline of that sentence. Kissel did a spit take.

So what happened? The guy cut his own dick off or something? It was not an isolated incident. There has been an increase in the number of these strange accusations being made in recent weeks. This lynching took place in the 10th district of Codugu in the city's west. Codugu. I know. It's funny.

Jackie, what do you think of when you think of Kadoo-Doo? I think of Holden having sex with... I know! He's really got a bleep in! That's more work he's going to do. Oh my god.

I feel like we could just let the word... No. No. I can't deal with that. I can't deal with the... Honestly, I wouldn't care if it wasn't the fucking Talons on that one. You know? I can't.

That shit's scary, man. I don't want to fucking... What the headache I would have all week. Oh, God. All week, the shit I'd have to fucking deal with. You think it would last a week? You gotta be out of your mind, man. It's weird.

The investigative reported that our fans are going to be doing. If you want to know who it is, look at Facebook and see who our mutual friend is and see who the most annoying woman is amongst them. I deleted it. I couldn't take it. You deleted it. I deleted it. It's fascinating.

I can't do it. I get so angry. Same here, Kevin. I'm fascinated. She's still on my wall. If they do what you said, though, they're just going to... She's going to bunch of hate mail. Craig Comedian and a wonderful friend of ours.

She's literally... I can't even wrap my mind around that shit. But that's okay. A beautiful gal, and I think she's a good mother. So what... Please bleep that. Please bleep that Please bleep that also Because the fact that we laughed

I laughed at it That's not my fault It's not my fault I didn't laugh for the record We're all gonna die man We're all gonna fucking die Ben says something sincere And it just sounds evil

It doesn't matter I don't think she's a bad mother No it does That's why I said she was a bad mother. No, it does. That's why I said she was a good one. It's still alive. Yeah, exactly. All right.

Good lord. That's ridiculous. Oh, boy, oh, boy. It doesn't matter. Are we going to get in a lot of trouble this week? No. We haven't said anything. I can't handle it, man. Back to Kalugu or whatever.

Let's get to this. Thank you, Mark. Good god. You want to take over hosting this show? Well, the funny thing about this story is if you say a penis disappeared, it sounds so much more fun

than cut it off. Oh, yeah. The Lorena Bobbitt story would have been totally different if it was a bibbidi-bobbidi-boo. Well, you know, you're actually pretty close with the bibbidi-bobbidi-boo.

Here's the background on it. This lynching... That's where it took place, right? In Cadoogoo. In bibbidi-bobbidi-boo, yeah. No, in took place, right? In Cadoogoo. Now, in Cadoogoo. In Cadoogoo. This lynching took place in Cadoogoo.

It all started with a fight at a restaurant between two men. One accused the other... There's no restaurants in Cadoogoo. Take it easy, Eddie. Look at the place. Let's get to it first. Alright. It all started with a fight At a restaurant

Between two men One accused the other Of having cast a spell on him Simply by touching him The first man A local mechanic Claimed that his penis Had been stolen

By the second man Who was not from the district The first man called the police But by then A crowd had gathered around them And since The residents decided To lynch the man who had been accused of stealing the penis

in the middle of the street. So this guy had to show his no dick, though. Oh, wow. Well, he's dead. Oh, wow. Yeah, they killed the fuck out of him. So it's sort of a who gots your nose. Wait, who's on the ground? Which dude is on the ground? The guy that was accused of stealing the penis. But was the penis gone? I'm confused.

Did they check? They don't check. They just take him at his word. Wow. That's ridiculous. But the guy had his penis probably still on him, right? I would... Before murdering someone,

someone says their dick got stolen. It's like, all right, let's see it, buddy. Of course. Yeah, let's see the no dick. They didn't say they had like much of a trial, though. No.

And that was just her. No, it's... They don't actually steal the dick literally. It's they steal the essence of the dick. Oh. So they were just hung. They don't actually steal the dick literally. They steal the essence of the dick. Oh. So we sucked them off. Mark, that is kind of fun.

There's some comment that said that they've stolen someone's genitals, and then they say, but I've got something to sell you that will get them back. That's great. Mark, can I give you a joke? I know what it is, and I'm looking forward to it. That's exciting. So we'll say, oh, this guy, he had his penis cut off, but then he was hung. Oh, well, he must have been well hung.

There it was. Mark isn't, but you say it, though. It's over. But very exciting, though. Kevin, you want to try it? No, I won't. I mean, no. Kind of funny, though.

Listen, the thing about the joke that you just told everybody was that it was horrible. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Really bad. Yep. You're not good. Yep. It was horrible. It was really bad. You're not good. The fella, he had his penis cut off. I want to be as big as Godzilla. Well hung. That is some funny stuff.

It's funny. This is not the first genital disappearance in Codugu. The first one happened on May 2nd. Since then, this is from a reporter that works at the Observateur Palga in Burkina Faso. She said, since then, I've counted a dozen similar cases in the city. It's always the same story. Someone complains about being approached and touched by a stranger. Someone not from the neighborhood. It just sounds like gypsies. Yeah.

You think so? Yeah. This is really going to drive down tourism. What do you think, Mark? In Burkina Faso? Yeah. If someone cut off What do you think, Mark? In Burkina Faso? If someone cut off your wang there, Mark, would you want him dead? Of course.

Come on. Man or woman. But you can't say just because a man touched you that your dick don't work. Say they weren't cutting it off you. Yeah. I just ain't cutting it off. He's a man of few words.

He's the illest person I've ever seen. I see why your roommate's with Mark. He can just talk at him and talk at him, and then he only says a couple of words that are great. I wish my roommates didn't talk. Yeah, it'd be great. This is what Jeffrey Dahmer wanted. Actually, are you hairless?

Show us. Are you hairless? No, I got hair. Okay, well then Jeffrey Dahmer wouldn't want him. He only likes hairless boys. He is a beautiful man. I'll tell you one thing. You are beautiful, by the way, Mark.

Take it easy, Eddie. He's mine. I was the one who hit on him first. I'll beat him first. That's not good Anyway God I wish you had a fucking pussy Take it easy That was the thing man

That was the thing I mean Yo Go ahead Accept these compliments I live with Mark When we lived in Florida too And everything

We lived in Florida I live with Mark And all my friends were like God damn man I don't know how you live with Mark man I couldn in Florida, too, and everything. We lived in Florida. I lived with Mark. And all my friends were like, God damn, man. I don't know how you live with Mark, man. I couldn't do it. I was like, wow, man. I tried to fuck him every night. There'd be so many times we'd pull up and then Mark would be standing on the balcony.

And Mark's hair is all fucking shining in the sun. Yeah, it's just shining in the sun. And literally, it's happened a lot. Where it's like, damn, who's that hot-ass girl standing in front of our house? And it was Mark every time. And this is why multiple murders occurred in Miami that evening. Because Mark's so attractive? Yeah, because a guy thought that it was a chick, and then it was a guy,

and then they had to go kill somebody. What? What? What's going on with you today? What's happening, Ed, is... I've been stressed. I've been stressed. Oh, my God.

It's fine. No, I was just saying, you know, if you look at a guy, but you think it's a girl, but then you think he's really attractive, but then it's a guy, then you get upset, and then you go kill someone. This is like a fun little mistake. Yeah. Eddie Murphy dealt with it fine. He got busted again. Eddie Murphy is gay. The chick that outed him died.

She was murdered. He was murdered. Which is probably what he was definitely the guy who at least ordered that to happen. That's good scoop. He did not do that. The new one, what's her name? Something like Honey Lips or something like that

is the new one. And she started tweeting pictures of the inside of his house and describing his dick and all this fun stuff. But she did it years ago. It's a man. It's a man. I remember I read it was fascinating. I read a bunch of shit and yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it was always like, I remember I read, like, I was like, it was fascinating.

I read a bunch of shit, and they were like, yeah, he would just love the chicks with the biggest dicks. Like, he just always was requesting the chicks with the biggest dicks. But do you figure you're Eddie Murphy? You have $100 million. Right. Can't you just, isn't there someone who can just bring you a dude to fuck? Right. And put it in a dress?

No, but he didn't like it. He wanted to do the whole process. He wanted to do the whole process. He wanted to do the whole thing. They like the ritual. Exactly. They like the ritual, and they also like to pretend like it's still a woman,

when in reality, they know it's a man, but they want to go to sleep with something. His excuse when he got caught was insane, too. What was it? He was like,

I saw her standing on the street, and she was clearly a prostitute or whatever, but I was just giving her a ride home. I do that all the time. What I do is I pick up chicks on the street at night and I give them a bunch of money and I drive them home so they can better their lives.

What a good man. Nice guy. Man, her last meal, beans. Was beans? Be beans. Was beans? Just beans? It's the only thing they found in her stomach. That's rough.

And she's dead. Damn. Not the new one, though. Not honey drip. Call me Shalimar. So this is the woman. Her last experience was with this fella. And the last thing she ate was beans.

And she was only 21? Yeah. Wow. She should go to Kalamugu, get that dick disappeared. Dick disappeared. Not bad. Can't get enough of that cock. That's hot stuff.

Who's that guy? Oh, this guy? You want to hear about this guy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You want to hear about this guy? A Tennessee man was arrested Friday night after he walked into a bar, dropped his pants and underwear, and attempted to have sex with an ATM machine. What a fun night.

Oh, nice. What's up, man? Oh, nice. That's it. Oh, nice. That's a victimless crime. I mean, it's pretty close to fucking a prostitute. Yeah. Ronnie Hutton, 49, was collared at the Borough Bar and Grill, the Murfreesboro watering hole,

where he allegedly sought to make a 9 p.m. deposit. According to a... Good work, Smoking Gun. Smokinggun.com. Real good work. Smoking.com. You guys, you deserve that one. According to a Murfreesboro Police Department report,

an officer was dispatched to the bar where a witness said that Hutton walked to the ATM and pulled down his pants and underwear, exposing his genitals. Officer M. Rickard added, Mr. Hutton then attempted to have sexual intercourse at the ATM. After the encounter with the ATM, Hutton then began to walk nude around the bar, thrusting his hips in the air. Oh, man. Half the place was cracking up.

Oh, yeah. Half the place was going nuts. And it made sense. I mean, the ATM just gave you what you wanted. You wanted some cash. I mean, it's erotic. It's hot stuff. Right.

This guy's a showman. He should have been rewarded. That Todd Berry got something about that. What's that? Todd Berry got some joke about that jerking off after going to the ATM machine. I don't know, Mark. Possibly. I'm not a comedian, man. I'm not going to recite these jokes.

Fair enough. I think it's wonderful. I'll tell you, you are like a woman because every time you talk I say, shh. But then you're so beautiful. Ben, how does it feel to get that your entire life? Have you been told you're beautiful your entire life? I can't even imagine.

When you're told you're beautiful your whole life, you never have to have thoughts. That's totally true. Man, I wish. This is going down a bad road. Mark's very intelligent, but I'm saying if you're really intelligent I got a master's degree Do you? In what?

Physical education PE? You got a master's? That's right Take it easy Take it easy Oh my god I thought my sociology minor was bad

Holy lord Kevin why did you tell us you were living with a gifted person Holy christ You were ripped before you fucking go in Holy lord I got a PhD in recess Wow the one thing you could do Growing up was exercise

Oh my goodness. That's funny. This is a good time. Usually, people, I have a PhD, but then they say something smart. But then sometimes they say physical education, which any human can do. I mean, not me. Theoretically. Oh, yeah.

Not any of us. Mark, what exercise would you recommend? I could never climb the rope. Never. I just didn't even try. I hated the rope. I refused to try. But I think the rope's good for the kids. It's good.

It's embarrassing. You have to be embarrassed a little bit. It seems like it's incredibly dangerous. It is, and they put a thin, thin mat right on the floor in case you fall. It's like a 30-foot rope. Oh, yeah. It's crazy. It's bad stuff.

It is insane. It is. It's really insane. But rope. Oh, yeah. It's crazy. It's bad stuff. It is insane. It is. It's really insane. But I feel like it was healthy. I remember doing the pull-up bar there, and I was very overweight, and nobody thought I could do it, and I couldn't. And everyone just laughed and laughed and laughed as I hung there for like 20 seconds. And Mr. Luchwager, which is what his name, blew the whistle and was like, time.

And he was like, number of pull-ups, zero. And it was awful, but it made me want to win over the crowd in a different way. Yeah, right. The funniest thing I ever saw was in PE class growing up. There was this kid, Justin. I can't remember his last name.

We had the hottest PE teacher ever. Miss Kelly. Wasn't even married. So hot. So fucking hot. She looked like Parker Posey. Just like unbelievably hot. And then one time she was standing over him

and he was looking up at his shorts and he got a detention. And then she took him in the back room, gave him detention. And when he walked out, he was like, that was worth it. Oh yeah, So she brought him to the lap dance room?

Is that what happened? Isn't that the rule? That's hot. Yeah, I'm looking at your paintings. Oh, you're going to put me in the private club now? Are you fucking kidding me?

I'll look up all the shorts. Hold on, I got to take the ATM first. I'm out of wongs. I only take 10s. Who gives a shit? I'm eight. It's worth it.

It's a cool kid. Yeah, man. What a champion. Alright, Marcus. So what story are we on? This guy at the ATM, after he was walking around the bar, thrusting his hips, he was subsequently escorted from the bar and told to sit at a wooden picnic table outside.

Once outside, he allegedly again exposed himself and engaged in sexual inter sit at a wooden picnic table outside. Once outside, he allegedly again exposed himself and engaged in sexual intercourse with a wooden picnic table. Oh, man. He was about to get away with it. He went for round two. I just have to imagine this dude just has the worst dick.

Yay, look at that guy. This guy's dick coughs. What do you think about this fellow? He's got a dome over there. He just looks like Winnie the Pooh in person. He does, yeah. A little bit of a Winnie the Pooh thing going on.

Winnie the Pooh was an old junkie. Also, how do you have sex with a wooden picnic table? It's got to hurt. One of the knots. Yeah, the knots with a hole in it. What do you think that picnic table was saying when he was trying to fuck it? Hold it! Hold it!

I can't concentrate. I almost couldn't come, man. I'll tell you. Oh, my goodness. We'll tell you the name of it. I knew it was my heart. Yeah. That was one of the hottest things I've ever...

What are you looking at now? Just random tits? He's in his breasts. No, I was looking up Man fucking picnic table But it's just a lot of dudes Getting fucked on picnic tables So he got caught twice

That's fun though Alright so Mark brings up a good one I never fucked on a picnic table That seems like it'd be a good time Hell of a picnic How awful What are you talking about? It's great

It's good levels Picnic tables are for potato salad They're not for What if it's made out of recycled plastic? One of those picnic tables. No. Mark, what do you think? You bang a lot of...

Not Normand. I'm talking about a dude banging chicks. No, no, no. I'll say, yo, hold on. Imagine the things he's gotten away with having sex with. If he's gotten caught with the ATM in the picnic table. That's true. That's a good point.

Yeah. What else has he fought? I mean, if you got the confidence to go after that after getting caught by the cops. Yeah. Imagine what you do when you're like, oh, I got this. Just alone? Yeah. You're making freeze machines, slushy devices,

something like that. Vending? You don't even want to walk in that dude's apartment. Holy! Just a bunch of old-timey equipment there that would be used at a nice hardware store, but he's just banging all of it? Yeah. Oh, my God.

Yeah, this guy's got a fetish. Oh, yeah. That's interesting. Yeah. I mean, hold on. What do you think? What do you want to bang? You walk into a store.

What fucking utility device do you need to stick your cock in? What utility would I stick my cock in? Okay. Fucking light bulb. A light bulb? What? So you take out the bottom. You put your cock in the... Sure. How do I have this?

You can do it. You can do it. Iron, but not hot. You want a fucking iron. That'd be nice. You can do it. Fucking iron, but not hot. Just like a cold iron. You want a fucking iron, yeah. That'd be nice. Smooth up the top. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sure. I guess, right? Sure, you did great. I don't know. It's a bad question. So, you answered it. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, people have been known to be in love with bridges, cars.

It's called paraphilia. Paraphilia is for bridges? No, paraphilia is just people attracted to any kind of atypical object. Like just an actual inanimate object. A woman married the Eiffel Tower. Yeah. Wow. Yep.

Good for her. Good for her. It's always hard. It's not bad, though. I got to get out of here. I got to get out of here. She's kind of cute. Yeah. She's 37. What's up, man? I gotta get out of here I gotta get out of here She's kind of cute Yeah

She's 37 Who's this? Her name was Erica Latour Eiffel She took his name Yes She took the Eiffel's name Wow And she started the whole club

Let's see her Of people The whole society What? Oh, shit She's paying it Marrying it, huh? Wait, how did she

She can't have sex with it Who married it? Oh, you can rub on it. You can rub on it, but not in public, or could you do that in France? You do it in public. It's France.

Jackie, what structure would you marry? Ooh. Leaning tower. Freedom tower? Yeah, yeah. Leaning tower, fucking pizza. It's fucking... She just likes pizza.

Yeah. Fuck a vacuum cleaner. A vacuum cleaner. Yeah, as long as it doesn't have blades in the tube Because sometimes people fuck it But it's got the blades in there and they cut their dick off Yeah but it's got that hose thing You just use the hose attachment

Yeah I'd fuck on the hose Well isn't it educational That's exciting No the big The Sphinx You want to bang the Sphinx Yeah the cat woman man Not bad the Sphinx. You want to paint the Sphinx? Yeah, yeah. The cat.

Yeah, yeah. The cat woman, man. Not bad. I'd like to sit on the top of the pyramid and just be like, oh! The point of the pyramid is going right to my ass.

It's like, yeah, fuck me. Where's the mummy? Where's the mummy with the fuck me? You never know what's happening. Getting head from a mummy fucking killing it. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you never know what's happening. Getting head from a mommy fucking killing it. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, well. Killing that mommy pussy. And now it's time for a segment from Holden McNeil. Oh, is that the whole episode? Ding dong, we don't know. It's a segment in Holden Knitter's hoe. We're going to start it off with you got to go to jail for at least a year in a creative way. Jackie, you're looking at me like I didn't come up with this two seconds

ago. Mark is a multi-million dollar jail owner and he'll decide which person goes to the jail and they'll get the fancy suite. Yeah. My crime will be said thusly. Wait, is it the crime or how we get jailed? The crime

and how. How you commit the crime? Yeah. You're not explaining yourself well. I don't know either. Did we not do a segment this week? We had a hard time coming up with a segment. I like make Marcus smile, make Marcus frown. Okay, say something that makes Marcus smile

and then say something that makes Marcus frown. Oh, that's wonderful. Oh, they shat on it. You shat on it. You're like, don't do that one. I don't want to do that one. I was like, I thought that was a good one. I mean, it's just so upsetting to see Marcus sad, but we're going to have to see it one,

two, three, four, five, eight times right now. Yeah, eight times. All right, Marcus. I want to be sad. I'm going to say to you one thing, and that is bones. There he goes. Good smile. Now I'm going to say Jew.

He still smiled. Not bad. That was actually good. I did not win. Double smile. I did not win this one. We'll move on to heaven. It's an immediate judgment.

I like it. It's an immediate. It can be more than one word. I was just having fun with a one word verb. I don't know what makes you upset. Yeah, I'm trying. Well, all right. Don't think of something, I guess.

Marcus, you know, I like being around you, man. You too. There's a smile right there. Every time I look at you, it makes me happy. Down in my soul, every part of me feels happy. Down in my soul. Every part of me feels happy. Yeah. I was expecting a frown from that. You got double smiles.

Alright. The king of the frown. What do you got Ben? To make him smile. If you could see the frown on Ben's face right now. I'm not frowning. He's frowning.

I love truly, yeah, I do have droopy lips. And Marcus smiled, so that's my smile. There you go. And then the non-smile is I'll never do

a show with you again. Oh, that was sad. Sad. Okay. That was kind of sad. I can't believe I would have been here to hear that. Why did you make that up? It's my statement I hate to do.

Alright, the marks. We don't know each other that well. No, we don't at all. Or say something and be like, oh, I love you. I got to assume you like donuts. Love them. There we go. There you go, smile. That's my one for one.

Yeah. And that for the one. Can I give you a hint? Something like, show me your ass. Get rid of the, yeah, no more donuts in the world. Yeah, man. Dunk of donuts. Oh, he me your ass. Get rid of, yeah, no more donuts in the world. Yeah, man. Dunk of donuts.

Oh, he did. Wow. Yeah? Do you think that was forced? It definitely makes me frown a little bit. Yeah, you got to take it away. You give it and you take it away. Mark, just show him your cock and tell him it'll never be his. All right, Mark Norman, what do you got for us?

Jeez. You know, it's always good to see you. You're always a nice guy, positive, always smiling. You too. All right.

Always nice when you show up. Oh, thank you. You as well. Smile. All right. Negative. Jeez, you're a nice guy. I'm not a boy.

Tell them about how you did on the last comic stand-in. Maybe, how about the fact that you look like an orphan in a cartoon? Double smiles, man. You should have called him a nigga, man. That's all you had to do. Take it easy, Mark. I can't believe you said that, Norman. Kevin just stole your frown.

You got a frown on that one. I missed it. I missed it. Jackie. Marcus, I'm really happy that you're a big part of my life. You too. Yes. Marcus, your raccoon penis is broken.

Yeah, it is. You broke it? No, I mean, it was sent broken. Oh. It's been like this the whole time. Well, how else are you going to get it if you don't break it off a raccoon? Yeah, no. Yeah, you can't.

It would require a whole raccoon. You can't have a raccoon running around here. No, we still have Ed Larson. Yeah, but I've got him to be sad. I've got him to be sad, too. Yeah. All right, what do you got? All right.

All right. Freshly cooked Philly cheesesteak with wiz and onions. Peppers? Sure, whatever you like, buddy. Green pepper! You're forced to investigate the Franklin cover-up for the rest of your life. Good.

Alright, Eddie wins. There you go, Eddie wins it. Alright, everyone, that's the ride to... Norman, you gotta get out of here. I gotta run, but you don't have to end, because of me, I gotta go. What's it. All right, everyone. That's the ride to it. Well, Norman, you've got to get out of here. I've got to run, but you don't have to end because of me. I've got to go. We were at the end. No, no, no.

Eddie has run. That's one thing we should plug. We've got to watch you on NBC's Last Comic Stand. Yeah, yeah. Anything else? You've got a Comedy Central half hour coming up? Half hour coming out. We're all friends here.

And we're all friends here at the Creek. Yeah. Putting out an album later in the... Oh, really? Yeah, next month called Still Got It. And yeah, it should be fun. That's great. And always support Mark Norman.

He's one of the nicest guys around. And we've known each other for years. And all of us have known you for years. And you're the best. Oh, you're the guy that's the best. I did a podcast today earlier. Horrific. He just bleeped the podcast.

Oh, jeez. More bleeping. Gotta bleep that now. More bleeping. No better podcast than here on Cave Comedy Radio. This is the best. This episode. We have to.

We got to bleep it. A lot of bleeping. All right, Jackie, Eddie, Holden, Burr Bluger, thank you for being here, Mark. And we will talk to you soon. The Roast of Marcus Parks, June 1st. Norman will be there, newly added. Come and check it out, 8 p. 8pm here at the Greek in the Cave June 1st

and stick around afterwards and we'll drink and hang out with you guys please of course alright we're about one week away from

finishing up this Kickstarter fuck you Holden thank you Ed we got funded so thank you fuckers now I'm gonna say a bunch of names

in here thank you Round fuckers. Now I'm going to say a bunch of names in here. Thank you, Roundtable Zone, Kevin Barnett. Thank you, JC Calcerano. And a big thanks to Team G Production Company out in L.A., an old buddy of mine. Also, Madeline Osten, Gabe Capone, Marie from the Reformed Whores, Jeff Sproul, Mae Nelson, Wally Neffel. Madeline gave a big, Capone, Marie from the Reformed Whores, Jeff Sproul, May Nelson, Madeline Neffel.

Madeline gave a big fat bunch of money. Really? She gave like 75 bucks. She doesn't have any money. That's so nice. I don't know. Yeah, it's very sweet. It's very sweet of her.

Molly Neffel, Wes Lipinski. Hold that yourself. Bad name. All right. Brian Frange, Matt Beck. Good name for a backer. Brian Fiddlement, Tieg Zaharia? I don't know.

That's not a real name. Michael Stewart, thanks for all your help, buddy. Rob Stern, John Brennan, Troma Ho, Gil Hova, student, study your comedy. Scooter Sebastian, sucks to be you. Katie Frame, thank you so much, sweetheart. David Rawlinsoninson Michael Rowanitis Michelle Rowanitis Tracy L. Ray

Kevin Labeson from the pit Tramov Jim Tews Sharks Lucy Beach I love you marry me Amy Kofsky You're married.

Andrew Benedict, Casey Cancelieri. Cancelieri. Zach Hayes, Darren Hall, coolest dude in the world. Adam Jacobson, Chris George, Jessica Bomero. That is Jackie and Henry's sister. Ah, very nice. Isn't that nice? Sam Marine, Ian Alexander Scott, Daniel Williams, Taylor Moore,

who I went to high school with, I do believe. Charles Fitt, Nate Osterman. Very fat, Charles. Yeah, very fat. It's an ironic name. Big-ass Charles, thank you for your donation, you fat piece of shit. All right, I think that's enough for today. Oh, it's all right.

Nate Osterman, Benjamin Denson, Steve O'Brien, Leslie Hontero, Hadass. Oh, Hadass. Hadass from college. I hope she's doing well. That wasn't mean, was it? Jude Tedmory, Galen, Micah Sherman, Steve, Skulker Steve. Skulk. Shock tease. Great. Megan Boone, I tweeted the wrong Megan Boone. Yes, you did. Micah Sherman, Steve, Skulker Steve, Chuck Tease.

Great. Megan Boone, I tweeted the wrong Megan Boone. Yes, you did. You failed at that one. Yeah, I thought the big TV show star. Chuck Tease are also a great comedy band out of Chicago. Everyone should go check them out. Oh, cool.

Max Every, Andrew Beckerman, Megan Kerper used to work at the Creek. I don't know what she does now. What the fuck happened to her? I don't know. I miss her, though. Jeanette Klein, Katie Graham Humphries, Sarah Nowak, Carly Goodspeed used to be a murder fist. Now she just gives us money.

Creek. Oh, my God. Carolyn Nijwiki from college. Chris Manley, the clown. He's a clown. Don't listen to him. Leanna, Doug Austin. He fucks Jackie.

He did not have to give money. He does enough. He did not have to give money. Matt Hobby, Turner Holt, Business Computer. Business Computer? Yeah. Why would you want to be known as that? Katie Hartman, she fucks Henry.

She didn't have to give anything. David Bly, Avery McNeely. My brother. Oh my God, I'm surprised he lived through your childhood. Adam Newman, John Friedman. John Friedman, that's really brother. Oh, my God. I'm surprised he lived through your childhood. Look at him. Adam Newman. John Friedman. John Friedman.

That's really cool, Adam. Thanks, too. Jordan Lewis. Leanne Arreola. Arreola. What? Alberto Ayora. You're my four. I was trying to rhyme something with it.

Show us your areolas. So thank you. Fucking great stuff. And yeah, we're going to go make a movie. Yeah, we're going to do some shit. We're going to get a giant spider costume with tits on it because of you. Thank you very much stuff and yeah we're gonna go make a movie yeah we're gonna do some shit we're gonna get a giant spider costume with tits on it because of you thank you very much hell yeah