The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 199: The Roast of Marcus Parks

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

This week on Round Table: on this very special live episode, the Round Table roasts producer and local bad-toothed psychopath, Marcus Parks. Featuring all the members of the Round Table, Jared Logan, Mike Recine, Amber Nelson, Rebecca Trent, and Nick Turner on the dais!

The round table. Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds. Lay out, gentlemen, and let them go watch what pirate will do. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen, what's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. always civility. What's going down? Thank you all so much for coming out.

It's going to be a wonderful evening. Roasting a fairly good fella, you know, although one of his teeth has gone rotten. But that's okay. That's true. And everyone, let's take a moment to give it up for the modern face of slavery, Mr. Ben Kissel. What does that mean? What does it mean?

I have no recollection of that occurring on the round table. It happened right after you said Hitler was kind. No, I said Hitler was kind. He's a good leader. No, no, no. You stopped after kind, my friend. I know everything about you and your horrible family.

All right, take it easy. Everybody knows about you. Well, I hope so. You got the body and personality of a French Revolution-era hangman. Well, that'd be nice. It's a better job than a dog nanny, I'll tell you that.

And I would love to be one. Let's see here, Eddie, I've got some jokes about you being all fat and stuff. That's kind of fun. I'll tell you, if you drained the blood right out of Ben Kissel's body, you'd have enough kerosene to light up Chicago. That might prevent crime. Yeah, that's good.

I like that. I have one here about how you like to go to Coney Island because people give you money because they think you're the dog face boy. So that's kind of fun. Oh, yeah. Hey, Ben's not tall, everybody. He's just standing on his own extra skin.

Oh, that's offensive. I don't like that one, though, because you know I have weight issues. So I don't like that one there. This one... Oh, this one just says Ed's father left him at a young age. So that's kind of funny.

I was 22! Yeah, yeah. But in Ed age, that was's kind of funny. I was 22! Yeah, yeah. In Ed age, that was about four years old. Ben's got lots of blood clots, but they're really it's just a bunch of lost cheese. Oh, take it easy. Why are you offending cheese? What's wrong with you?

Let's see. We could go on and on. But we have a great deus. Perhaps we should start introducing some of these people. Yeah, sure. Alright alright so we got Jackie Zebrowski Jackie Zebrowski how are you Jackie how are you doing that's good

oh what did I write down you know Jackie's pro-rape stance Eddie? yeah yeah yeah that's the most feminine thing about her isn't that exciting isn't that funny Jackie's here to remind everyone that if a woman is fat that's the most feminine thing about her. Isn't that exciting? Isn't that funny? Oh, man. Jackie's here to remind everyone

that if a woman is fat, loud, and drunk, that everyone else will be afraid of her. Oh, that's a good point. I like that. That's more of just a sentence. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Jackie, you know,

she reminds me a lot of Roseanne, except for, you know, loud and crazy. Oh, all right, because Roseanne is also loud and crazy, but then Jackie is louder and crazier. Very good. Thanks, buddy.

Jackie is on the human growth hormone called bacon. That's kind of exciting. Oh, I like this one that I wrote, and I was real drunk when I did it. Let's hear it, buddy. Oh, Jackie isn't jealous of Henry's career. She's jealous of his body.

She looks worse than him. Isn't that sad? Isn't that wild? That's kind of fun. Jackie's a tough broad, though, man. She's such a woman that her ovaries have balls. Oh, wow.

Look at that. That's exciting. Let's see here. Jackie is disgusting, so toilet seats put a cover on themselves. That's kind of fun. Jackie's mother wanted a girl.

Thank God she had Henry. That's good. I'll tell you what, man. We're all waiting for Henry to die. But it's not in a malicious way. We just want to try the foie gras. Oh, yeah. Because he's a stuffed goose.

He's feeding himself till his liver pops. Oh, I like this one that I wrote. You mentioned Henry. This one also hits on Holden. And so it's a real, this is what we call a double dip. Holden, you know, no matter how much fatter you get, you'll never have Henry's career. So that's exciting. That's exciting. Oh, I like this one about Henry too. Henry and I do a podcast together called Last Podcast on the Left,

which is fun. It's a great podcast. Last podcast on the left, which is fun because his favorite meal is the last pork chop on the right. So that's kind of interesting. Hey, hey, take it easy. Take it easy. What the fuck happened? Is this not a roast? Last pork chop. I'll say it again. Are you fucking kidding me?

That's what happens if you don't like a joke. He's going to say it all night and ruin our fucking time. Oh, God. Henry and I do a podcast together called The Last Podcast on the Left, which is funny because his favorite meal

is the last pork chop on the right. There we go. There we go. All right. All right. If Holden McNeely's style could be described in any way, it'd be recently fired.

That's a good point. I didn't know he had a job. That's great. Mm-hmm. All right, well, let's move on. We got one more about Rebecca. We got Kevin Barnett sitting here. He's a good friend,

buddy of the round table. We love you so much, Bert Luger. Thanks for taking some time off. Kevin kind of looks like the guy who's friends with all the break dancers. You know, like if there's a... Yeah. Like if there's a dance-a-thon

to save the church, you're going to paint the sign. Oh, that's not bad. I like that one. Let's see, I have one about Kevin here. Kevin thinks he fucks chicks because you disrespect them, but in reality, they fuck you because they disrespect their father. So that's kind of an interesting thing,

because he's black, and they're all white I once saw Mike Racine kill a tree with a sword but in his defense he thought the tree was a human woman a human woman I've got some fun stuff about Mike Racine he's a rapist

Ben would be a rapist but he lacks the athleticism oh why would you say that that's rude Oh, yeah. Oh, man. Ben would be a rapist, but he lacks the athleticism. Oh, why would you say that? That's rude. No, but it's so cool to have Mike here, Mike Racine. Everyone get down today to take Mike Kielce's soul! Good act out, Eddie.

What do I have here? For Mike, I just have, oh, Mike is a horrifying man. Hashtag yes, all women. I will never be alone with him again. Hashtag yes, all women. Because he brought a shotgun to bed. Hashtag yes all women. I will never be alone with him again. Hashtag yes all women. Because he brought a shotgun to bed. Hashtag yes all women. His cock looks like

Holden's neck. Hashtag yes all women. Pubes smell like raccoon hair. Hashtag yes all women. I just wanted to take a moment to congratulate Jared on getting cast as John Wayne Gacy

in the new biopic. Oh, that's great. And let's face it, if they didn't cast you, man, they'dacy in the new biopic. Oh, that's great. And let's face it, if they didn't cast you, man, they'd be underneath the fucking floorboards. Yeah, well, he's finally going to get some good laughs.

You know what, Eddie? I feel like we've really been wonderful up here so far. I mean, just slaying. Yeah, really doing great. Fucking amazing stuff. People are loving it. But I think that we should

bring on the man of the hour. You guys want to meet Marcus Parks? I think so we should bring on the man of the hour. You guys want to meet Marcus Parks? I think so. Marcus is a wonderful guy. Of course, he does multiple podcasts. You wait. We'll wait.

I'll tell you when to come out. You fucking stay in your hole, you goddamn little cricket. Leave him alone, Eddie. I know Marcus because, of course, I do Able Against Top Hat with him and the Roundtable of Gentlemen. And, of course, the horror podcast Sex and Other Human Activities, which I think is great. That's disgusting. Him and Jackie discuss intercourse.

Oh my God. Yeah. It's an advice podcast about sex, but really the only advice they give out is like how to deal with having sex with them. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Turns out you fist them. Hey, Marcus. Congratulations.

Come on out. Here we go. Come on out, buddy. Marcus Parks. Hey, Marcus. Congratulations. Come on out. Here we go. Come on out, buddy. Marcus Parks. Hey. All right. All right, everybody. You didn't think there was enough beer in there already?

I didn't know you had some out here for me already. Well, you always have enough beer when you're around us. We got you your microphone. Does it work? Oh, yeah. Yeah, there you go. I make you feel at home. Marcus isn't used to being in front of people.

No, no, no. All right. Rightfully so. Oh, yeah. All right, Eddie, what do you think? If Marcus Parks was an ice cream flavor, he'd be fucking bones and salt. Oh, wow. I'd buy that.

That sounds very good. Marcus's childhood was so fucked up that he liked it a lot. That's funny. Oh, by the way, Marcus, I just want to let you know that the NSA is here tonight, boys. Thanks for coming out. I really appreciate it. They're getting all this down. Thank you.

Thank you for coming. Indeed. All right, everyone. Let's bring up the first roastie. What do you think? You don't want to make fun of Marcus? He just got here. Oh, you want to make more fun of him? Well, Jesus Christ. We. All right, everyone. Let's bring up the first roasty. What do you think? You don't want to make fun of Marcus? He just got here. Oh, you want to make more fun of him?

Jesus Christ, we just ate two jokes. We have the whole night to do it. I mean, the man runs 40 podcasts. He's a man of averages. One of them's got to be good, right? That's true. Round table's good.

I like round table. Round table's fun. Marcus has more bones in his house than John Wayne Gacy had in his crawl space. That's kind of a funny one because John Wayne Gacy had a lot of bones in his crawl space. You have the body of a malnourished ghost. Oh, that's not bad. That's not bad.

Yeah, Marcus, he's always been very, very upset with me because I missed his 30th birthday party, which is true. But I was banging a chick that was hotter than his birthday party. So that was fun. Remember that? Oh, yeah. He cried the next day. Yeah. It was horrible.

Why'd you cry? Because I didn't go to his 30th birthday party because I was fucking a beautiful looking lady. We talked about this last night. You didn't fuck her. No, you didn't fuck her at all.

Well, I jacked off in front of her. And that's not bad. I mean, she was asleep. You know what? Hashtag yes all women. All right. All right. Oh, man.

You know Marcus knows about every horrible conspiracy in the world in America? That it's a conspiracy that no one's tried to kill him yet oh that's a good one I tried I spit it out kind of horribly no it wasn't bad people really enjoyed it because it's sort of like should I do it should I say it again no that's my trick like if like if they're like not getting a it like golf where you want the lowest score alright so that was good well let's just bring up our next person here

she's the host of page 7 I'll tell you what Jackie if I wanted to hear Winnie the Pooh and Piglet talk about garbage it'd be a great show oh it would be it would be

oh I have so many more Jackie jokes though yeah too bad Jackie didn't meet that Elliot Rodger character before he went on that murder spree in Santa Monica. She would have turned that gay dude straight. Oh, did I say straight? I meant flat.

She's huge. That's kind of exciting. All right, everybody. Everybody's favorite princess, Miss Jackie Zabrowski thank you Jackie thank you I'm sorry try to keep the microphone from me

I'll fucking show you guys hey guys everybody's fucking here Deus Everybody's fucking here. Deus, more like Deus Beaties. That's what you're going to be expecting for the next fucking five minutes. Fucking get used to it, you pieces of shit. I'm going to fucking start off with fat Ed Larson over here. Look at him, man. He's fucking biblical. Ed and Jesus Christ have a few things in common. They both have hair that's too long, they smell like they were born in a manger, and they only date whores. The only woman Ed calls back after spending the night is his fucking mother.

People say Ed's laugh is contagious, but what they should be worried about is the herpes. And fucking Ben Kisly, you big fucking piece of shit. You're the biggest piece of shit I know. It's the only ginger I wouldn't fuck. Right over there, man. And you're such a fucking drunk. Your liver is so black and begging to be put to sleep

that if it had a hole, he'd fuck it. Kissel, really good job on your webisode wearing a dress, changing that law for cross-chesters and fucking new jerseys. Give it up for him. I mean, we all know he's too lazy

to do another one, which is probably really good because if you put a dress on again, Mike Racine's going to hate-fuck the shit out of you. And Mike, you'd be in prison if it wasn't for comedy and garbage. Racine, he is fresh off a

goddamn Conan, everybody. Give him a round of applause. And fresh off of those rape charges. Good for you, for you buddy man when you are going door to door telling everyone you're a sexual predator do you have to tell them you're a hack too and jared logan you met loud mouth partially deflated louis anderson mouthed, partially deflated Louie Anderson. You are an abandoned tire factory

of a human being. He's Detroit's only hope, everyone. If hate was a city, you'd be buried in the center of town. Ass open wide up. Speaking of hate, Kevin Barnett, everybody.

This is the first time a black person has ever been in the front of anything. He thinks that he is the king of hate, but really he's the queen of everything. If you were a superhero, you'd be powered by lack of muff and failed comedy shows. And we got more failures in the house. We have Nick Turner, everybody. And I kind of guess you could say that skinny Nick Turner was gay. Because he only came out of the closet for a brief moment before fat Nick Turner shoved him right back in. Turner dresses like Henry did in middle school.

Fat, sweaty, plaid. Except even back then, Henry had a lot more talent than you. And fucking Mark Norman isn't here because he's a piece of shit. So he can go fuck himself, you empty chair motherfucker. But thank you to Rebecca for everything you do here at the Creek. You are loved and respected by everyone that comes into your

establishment, and so is Mussolini. But Mussolini was famous for making the trains run, and God fucking knows there's no 7 train this weekend. Or any fucking other weekend for the rest of the summer. The only way someone listens to a person

is if they have a dick. That's why Rebecca has as many in her at any time possible. And I know all about no one listening to women because I work in Murderfest. Murderfest just started working with Cult Esteem

Troma, and it's awesome that we are working with the only other establishment that has worked for a million years and will never be successful let's rip into this Murderfist shithole, shall we? not many people know this, but Oldie McDeeley is the man of my fucking dreams I'm sorry Doug, that is my boyfriend, except in those dreams, I'm with Gaston with a bunch of fucking angry villagers. And I'm gonna fucking burn you to death. I told you not to feed him

after midnight! You think you're the best at fucking everything. Your ego is so fucking big that you could wear it as a shirt. And maybe you should start because you're getting too fat for your clothes. My dear, dear brother Henry,

when Martin Scorsese hired you, did he think he was actually hiring a sea otter? Didn't you think it was weird when your audition was at SeaWorld? And bitch, you were great in Blackfish. Big as a fucking whale he is. Now I'm really excited because Amber has recently become a member of Murderfest.

Because if you're too drunk to fuck him, join him. She is a fashion nightmare. She looks like a bloated tampon shoved into a pair of Wranglers. That is if she decides to put on pants. But tonight, we are here to roast skinny, tiny, idiot Marcus Parks.

You slack-jawed, doe-eyed, fuck-idiot. You look like a dirty orphan who gets raped by out-of-town robbers. Because they think you're a girl you giant shaved ferret of a man marcus thinks he looks like alfred e newman from mad magazine but if he was on the cover of a magazine it would be called Poor Idiot Weekly. Everything is bigger in Texas, that's what they say. But man, your ass got it all and your dick is missing out. Everybody knows that Marcus is the drummer of the Cowmen. He thinks he's just like Animal from the Muppets.

But in reality, he's a lot more like Fozzie. Because his drumming is a fucking joke. Waka, waka, waka. He's such a bad fucking drummer, he thinks a snare is something you trap coons in. Marcus, we love you. I'm very proud of you and everything you've done. I love working with you.

Go fuck yourself. Everybody go fuck themselves. Jackie Zabrowski, everybody. Holy Lord. Oh, my God. You wouldn't believe it. Before Jackie got here to town, everyone was telling me how attractive she was and that I should fuck her and stuff.

But I never did. That's kind of sad Remember that? You wanted to, baby Yeah Oh my goodness Oh yes Big tits when she's fat That's awkward

You just made it awkward No Alright, let's see here While the Cowmen was mentioned Holden, you're see here. While the cowmen was mentioned, Holden, you're the lead singer of the cowmen, so really the cowmen's the only band where the drummer has a chance to get laid because no one wants to fuck Holden.

You know, all gross and stuff. I have a girlfriend. That is... Well, you know... that is well you know but she doesn't have a boyfriend can you be a child friend is that a possibility no she used to be a lesbian

which is so great and hot because Holden says fuck her a lot and that's what his girlfriend used to do to come. Kind of exciting. Well, what? That's not terrible. That was bad? Yeah, she loves it, yeah.

Let's see, all right, I've got to bring up this next black fella. Who could it be? All right. I don't know. But, you know kevin's not very good at having sex with people um he doesn't know how to do it right uh as a matter of fact this is true uh he was trying to 69 a chick but then his dick got caught up in all the hair in the back of her head and his face was in her ass crack he did it wrong you get it because she was on her stomach and then he got on top of her i got it the wrong way and he put it and his dick was on the back of her head yeah yeah and then his face was in her ass crack yeah looking on that yeah i have to put up with this every day yep so that's not bad with the face and the ass crack there. All right, everybody.

Every lady's least loved liker. Least liked lover, maybe. That works. Kevin Barnett. Kevin Barnett's here. Here he is. Here we are, Kevin. Thank you.

Yeah. Yo. Kiss, man. The thing about the stuff you said about me was it wasn't funny, man. You are bad at comedy. That's why you've got no money. People don't respect you in general, but it's fine. I'm out here.

Listen. It's cool that we could all gather together here today. I like, Marcus, it's beautiful that you can throw an event where you can gather together all of your black friends. I'm arguably not even black, man. A lot of people can test that shit, but it's fine. We're here at the roast of Marcus Parkinson. My only question is why?

Yeah. What have you accomplished, man? Nothing. We have all these people here. They do a bunch of different things. I got a bunch of money. What?

That's not a joke. That's not a joke. Listen, I didn't write any. I was too busy making a bunch of money. I figured I'd just come up here and probably talk shit about white people in general. So, how you guys doing? Listen, all right. I don't have many jokes right now,

but I do got this list of birds from Australia. Oh, Luke, I got you, man. I heard somebody yell Bird Luger. I'll tell you one thing about Bird Luger. Luger provides. I'm gonna hit you with this knowledge right now. Here are a few of my favorite birds from Australia. There's the adelaide penguin it looks a lot like jared logan because he's fat get it he's got a penguin body that was a great joke the apostle bird i don't got a reference for that uh australasian bittern uh the australian fight bird look i don't know how much longer I can do this, but I'm going to keep doing it. The Australasian Gannet. Australian Gneb.

The Australian Shoveler. Oh, I'm seriously doing this. The Australian Brush Turkey. The Australian Bustard. Australian King Parrot. I got to load up the rest of this list, so y'all bear with me for a second while this chick goes to the next page. All right. I got to load up the rest of this list, so y'all bear with me for a second while this chick goes to the next page. All right.

We got. All right, now I'm done with it. Listen. Here's the thing about bombing at a roast. It's being recorded. It's fine if you have a bunch of money, which I have. And I got this cool-ass shirt that's got a wrapper on it. Y'all don't have that shit. I'm doing great. Listen, I got this cool ass shirt that's got a wrapper on it y'all don't have that shit I'm doing great listen I got a bunch of friends I get invited to a bunch of different barbecues

everybody in this room looks sick and I'm gonna sit back there in the front row where I was. Peace out. Good night. Everybody eat a dick. Oh, man. Kevin reminds me a lot of Barack Obama, you know? We all had a lot of hope, but then you just fucking sucked. Oh, man. What else do I got about Kevin? Oh, man. What else do I got about Kevin?

Oh, man. Kevin Barnett is not gay, all right? We need to stop this. You're not gay. He's clearly not gay. He has sex all the time. Look at him. Everyone leave this man alone.

Even if he was gay, he'd be fine. We're all totally cool with the fact that you're gay. Oh, man. I was worried about pulling out the race card against Kevin tonight. Mostly because I was worried about him stealing it. Oh, man. How you doing, Marcus? I'm great, man. Good, good. Good to see you, buddy.

Your bedroom, it looks like if Rob Zombie directed a live-action remake of the Flintstones Meet the Jetsons. That's really fucking accurate. Thank you. Alrighty, righty-roo. Oh, man. We got our next guy coming up. You guys know him. He's a good friend of mine.

He's in Murder Fist. He's a great character actor. You know, I've never seen anything like it. I mean, he really just puts the meal in chameleon. You know what I'm saying? Henry's like the prized pig at the farm that doesn't know he's getting eaten come Easter. Oh, man. He's kind of like that fat idiot mouse from Cinderella, you know, with all those tiny shirts.

But everyone give it up for the most astute detective in town, Detective Popcorn. Woo! Mmm. So happy to be here y'all Mmm Is it dangerous For me to be wagging around here With all my delicious buttery Kernels just hanging out Mmm

Cause then I'll maybe if I get Attacked then they'll have to blame Me for putting myself in this situation. So salty. So tender. Crunchy, but soft when it gets inside your mouth for just a second. Diet-savvy snack. Eat some popcorn.

Don't feel guilty the next day. Oh, wait a second. Is that a pile of black licorice with a T-shirt on? No, no. It's Kevin Barnett. Mmm. Easy, easy fun joke. Mmm.

Yes, I am a detective. Mmm. For the Homicide Squad. And I did some work down in Texas Your home state, Marcus And I was working on this case About ten Fourteen year old girls That were found all broken up

Like a bunch of matchsticks Next to a ravine. So I was thinking about sweet, salty caramel. But someone had cut open the bottoms of their feet and had put a bunch of cum in there and we started calling them the corn pouch murderer. So much common nails like the icing on top of a

toaster strudel. Any design you like on top of a toaster strudel, you could put a little smiley on there. You could put a frown on there, but not when it's come on a dead girl's foot. Well,

it turns out that the murderer, if you did the proper due diligence, was a man named Jerome Parks, Marcus's father. But I just got so distracted by how light and airy and crunchy. Sometimes you get a little piece of the kernel stuck in the back of your throat. And you got to get some Coca-Cola in there. Mmm, sweet, sweet. Mmm, delicious, cold. Coca-Cola, you wash it down. Mmm, so good that I didn't file the paperwork and your father was set free. Mmm, and that's why you're here today for this, bros. was set free. And that's why you're here today for this rose.

Thank y'all. I'm going to go back to my popcorn case in the back. But first, I just want to get some of it off. Oh, gosh. Oh, gosh. Oh, no.

It's so good. Oh, gosh. Oh, gosh. Oh, gosh. Oh, gosh. Oh, gosh. Oh, gosh. Oh, gosh.

Oh, gosh. Oh, gosh. Oh, gosh. Oh, gosh. Oh, gosh. That's what I do Alright everybody I'm going to bring up The owner of the creek and the cave This woman is truly wonderful Without her we would not have Cave Comedy Radio And we wouldn't all be here

Obviously Here's a funny little joke about her Rebecca is like a UPS Like a UPS guy Who got stuck in the rain You know her box is all falling apart Which is kind of fun is like a UPS like a UPS guy who got stuck in the rain. You know, her box is all falling apart. Which is kind of fun.

That was a joke about her vagina being ruined on account of her age. All right, everybody. Rebecca Trent. You're a piece of shit, Ben Kissel. I just want you guys to all know this is a fact. This is the first time

that we've ever had a roast where I literally had to rebuild the stage so it would be structurally sound enough for you fat fucks. Amber, congratulations on being the only girl member of Murderfest. I'm joking. Jackie's a girl. But if a drinking problem was a girl, we would call it Jackie Zebrowski. She's the only woman I know whose mother had to dip her nipples in whiskey to get her to latch on.

woman I know whose mother had to dip her nipples in whiskey to get her to latch on. Kevin Barnett. Not a whole lot of people know this about him, but he is a trained saxophonist, which I'm sure you're all willing to believe given the fact that he blew his way into true TV. Jared's the only guy that comes off the road, and I'm worried maybe he developed a peanut allergy that didn't work all right I tried I also wrote you don't look like you're from West Virginia but you do look like you ate it okay good good um the only time that Ed Larson has ever gotten angry at me is when I told him that Holden was the prettiest member of Murderfest.

I would like to take that back. Holden's super gross. He's the only guy who can walk into a dermatologist office and they'll cauterize the wrong thing. Nick Turner, I love you, but let's be honest you stopped listening to me as soon as I got up on this dais

so fuck you stop breaking my shit Ben Kissel hugging you is like hugging a warm bag of pudding oh so you guys already know that Racine just did Conan, but don't worry, he went straight back to being a piece of shit.

Hashtag yes all women. Sorry, that one was already used. He's the only guy I know that threw himself a roast. He's also the only guy I know that cried at his own roast. I know a lot of people are sort of mystified. Marcus Parks, why are we doing this? Cave comedy radio is a super important part of what The Creek in the Cave does,

and I'm glad that we got to have a night to honor you and to thank you for all of your hard work that you're grossly underpaid for. And I don't know if he's going to say it, so I will. We've reached over 2 million downloads, and that was the reason why we decided to have this, because he's been working his ass off. Thank you.

We currently have 25 podcasts. By the end of next month, I suspect we're going to be up to 30. He's killing it. He also has literally the prettiest ass I've ever seen on a girl. Come on, honey. Stand up and show him.

Show him. It's so pretty. He has a great butt. Woo! Come on up. That's it, folks. It's so pretty. He has a great butt. Woo! Come on up. That's it, folks. I feel the cigarettes right now. Thank you.

Rebecca Trent's tits are so big her tits have tits. have tits. Rebecca smokes so much weed that the fucking ice caps are melting. No, but seriously, I love you. You're amazing. I want to take a moment. This is for Marcus, and it's also for you. You know, you're a huge. This is for Marcus, and it's also for you.

You're a huge part of Cave Comedy Radio, and your laugh is amazing. It's like a sign of approval when you hear it. And it's so cool. When you're performing up here, and you just hear that, you can't help but think that one day I'm going to get out of this fucking place. No, I'm not going to.

I ain't ever coming back. Seinfeld never came back. I'm not him. Let's see, what can I say about you, Marcus? How you doing, pal? I'm doing great, man. I missed you over there. I'm so him Let's see, what can I say about you Marcus How you doing pal? I'm doing great man I missed you over there Thank you

Now we're up here just to distract you While the government dismantles your computer Our next comic though He's a big racist He's a big racist. He's a piece of shit, and I've got to find his jokes. There are a lot of potential murderers up here, but Vegas odds put Mike Racine at 2 to 1.

Everyone give it up for Donald Sterling's favorite comedian, Mike Racine. Thank you If you guys don't know Ed Larson is Jeffrey Ross' cousin Twice removed from Show business Thanks Jackie Zebrowski

It's nice to see you Jackie's been with her boyfriend For about eight years And I was talking to him And he was like Yeah you know You gotta kiss a few frogs before you find your babbling dyke. Marcus, what can we really say negative about Marcus Parks? He's a guy who selflessly gives his time to people.

Oh, right, his teeth. Marcus' mouth is like the show Last Comic Standing. It's hard to look at, and there's too many brown and yellow spots. It is nice to see the kid from Deliverance did something with his leg. You look like an unfuckable Howdy Doody. Marcus, I don't know why we're celebrating you. Cave Comedy Radio has listeners

like Ron Krasnow has white blood cells. All right, thanks. Good night. Holy Lord. I mean, very inside baseball, but the jokes were funny for the people who got them. Very good. All right.

Well, the next act coming to the stage, he's got a special song for you, Marcus, and you know him very, very well. He's the unfortunate boyfriend of Jackie Zebrowski, and he's going to sing a little tune for you. Ladies and gentlemen gentlemen Doug Austin His mom told him When he was young Don't sit beside me

You're not my son And listen closely To what I'll say. Yes, I should have avoided you all your both days. Take your time, then kiss those hands. Them kids don't laugh The boys don't come And he's also in bed Go find a woman

But not like mine Oh, Jackie screams Oh, my God all the goddamn time Marcus you're a simple kind of man Yes I'm pretty sure you'll remember the Ku Klux Klan? No one will fuck you Your bed is cold Yes I heard

Yeah your cock is just a chicken bone Cowmen are made Holden can't sink All that I want for you, my sir Is just learn how to drum But you're a document You're a phony bitch Fuck you, fuck you, you're dumb as your butt's big Well you can do this, if you try All that I want for you, my son

Is just to watch you cry Well, you're the simple kind of man Yes, I'm pretty sure you'll remember Coolest man Woo! Woo! Woo! Oh, Marcus, so what should we do? Should we make some of Ben a little bit, right? Yeah, of course.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Ben's the world's first chud comedian. Ben, you look like Eileen Wuornos now. She's monster. The woman who was monster, she killed her, and then she's dead because they electrocuted her, and she was big and fat, and that's what he looks like now.

If Jen... I'm sorry. If John Panette lost enough weight to live, he'd look like Ben Kissel. So he decided to die instead. Oh, yeah. Nick Turner complains more than an Irish political prisoner. What else do I know about? Oh yeah, Nick, you look like what everyone thought Fred Savage would look like by now.

But he looks fantastic. Everyone give it up for Nick Turner. Oh, this has been fun. A lot of people like me and made fun of. I'm not one of those people. I know you guys like it, so it's only rude when you do it to me. Ed Larson, Ben Kissel, thank you so much for putting this on. Why are there two of these? This is Fox and CNN.

They're both broken. I broke them days ago. Ed Larson. If you guys don't know, he's Jeff Ross' cousin. They are related by ugliness. know he's Jeff Ross's cousin. They are related by ugliness. Ed played Cousin Ed on The Burn. I don't know if you saw it. It's on Comedy Central. Check it out.

Jeff Ross on the show called him Cousin Ed because he was tired of asking why Ed was on the show. People asking him. Okay. Ed Larson, it's fine. I don't need to have hit that last joke because Ed Larson looks like what would happen

if Marcus Park's teeth and Holden's neck had an abortion. I know, I'm sorry The Russ The Russ are getting harder and harder to do every year Because every year it's the exact same day It's you idiots I've already made all the jokes

About Holden's neck that I could possibly Fucking make The only thing that I could have possibly changed In the last year are relationships And career advancement, which is why, I'm sorry, Ben, I got nothing for you. Okay. Jackie Zabrowski, woo-hoo!

Oh, you should see her and Henry's other sister. She's beautiful. Rebecca, I just want to say about Rebecca, she'll probably fuck you. Okay, um... That's it. And just Murderfist in general, I mean, why are you still at it? I just... You people, the other members in the group,

I hope you fucking know that Henry can only bring three people to Hollywood. It's Jackie, it's Ed, it's Holden, it's done. Murphys answers the question, what if we had a sketch group and they were all the gross one? I literally have another one about Holden's neck. I can't. I'm not a good writer.

Amber Nelson, I just, I only recently found out that you're an official member of Murderfist now. That's like joining the Bulls the year after Jordan left. Henry is gone! Stop doing that! Stop doing that! For years, the biggest question in comedy is, is Jared Logan gay or not?

Just tell us. But now he has gotten engaged to Cara Clank, and the mystery continues! Kevin Barnett, he's here And boy, weren't we happy about that And his question's for Ed At what point during Kevin Barnett's set Did you regret booking him? Kevin Barnett, it's great You got booking him? Kevin Barnett is great. You got a show on TruTV

and that is a great channel and it hasn't even started airing yet, but we have to call you Bird Luger and you stopped writing jokes for roast. Jesus Christ. You've been on TV less than Ed Larson. Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up.

But Marcus Parks, the whole reason anyone gets out of goddamn bed. The only guy who has a job, I think, out of us. Marcus, you produce all the podcasts at the Creek, which is why I can confidently say that I am not familiar with your work. I know one thing. If the star of your most popular show is Ben Kissel, it might be time to consider getting your GED. At last. I'm just assuming Texas, Florida, you're all idiot nonsense. Guys, Marcus, we've done a lot of shows together, and they've all failed. And I want to say, I don't blame myself. But I love you.

Nick Turner Marcus go take a piss Nick's face looks like a vagina's armpit I was just thinking about that but I don't even know what that would look like but I guess it would look like Nick Turner's face that's kind of exciting so I'm going to bring up a gal now

and she just joined Henry Zebrowski's side project, Murder Fist, which is huge. And I love this girl. And Amber Nelson, she's a hot chick, and she's the hottest chick in Murder Fist because, Walter, there you are. You got too old. So they had to replace him and get a new hot babe and they definitely did uh what do i have written down oh yeah amber is to uh you know femininity uh what holden is to not having a bunch of lumps on his neck um because he has a lot of you should see it and i'll tell you it is

yeah it's law everyone i touched your back actually i congratulated you. I felt a lump there. There's a bump on my spine. Yeah, a bump on your spine. Yeah. That is, holy Lord. I'll tell you. When he was born, the doctor said, did you fuck a squid? He is an interesting character.

And holy Lord, I can't believe you converted a lesbian. Nonetheless. Amber's a real great character actress uh she can play a um a drug addict oh a with a drug problem uh oh and the list goes on she can play a recovering drug um she can play a recovering drug whore who is relapsing um and then she can also play a a or a cunt, or a whore bitch cunt. Which I think that's great. Holy Lord, very talented.

And Amber likes strange men. Oh, I don't even like this joke. But Amber likes strange men, but that's only because strange men like to stick their bald heads in her pussy. Her boyfriend's bald. And then he sticks his head in her pussy.

You see? The logistics of that. You know what I'm saying. Let's just try this one more time. Amber looks strange men. But that's okay. Yeah, there's a live baby in the dumpster. I know.

Don't make me say the alive baby in the dumpster bit. Alright, everybody. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Amber Nelson. Amber Nelson, everyone. Thank you. Oh my god. Thank you, Ben Kissel.

You are the reason women wear burkas. You fucking fat, lecherous trash of garbage. It's good to be here with all you faggots. Welcome to the roast. This is nice. This is good. Ben Kissel, let's go on you some more You are fat And you eat shit I bet your asshole looks like a snitch At Guantanamo Bay

You piece of fucking cunt Fuck you all Turner is here Very talented guy Remember when Turner was on Fallon fucking cunt. Fuck you all. Turner is here. Very talented guy. Remember when Turner was on Fallon and in Letterman? Wasn't it? They both lasted five minutes.

And he wasn't allowed on the couch. Letterman is a comic that he dated who's crazy. All right. Logan, you're here. You haven't heard him speak yet, but he's got this high-pitched voice. You know, I am Logan. I'm Logan.

He sounds like the child he looks like he molests all right what a piece of all right great great uh zebrowski is there here it's great it's great it's zebrowski if you don't it's Polish. It's Polish for dead at 35. It's good. It's nice to see the twins from The Shining all grown up. You know what I mean? All right. Racine, I mean? All right.

Racine, this fucking asshole is here. He is the product of mafia inbreeding. Swear to God, he's nasty. He's a disgusting man. Like, he has a picture of his dick that's, like, being sent around. I've seen the picture of your dick more than I've seen Holden wear a clean t-shirt.

You know? Oh, man. What else? What else? But we're all here. The psychopath of the hour. It's Marcus Parks. Oh, my God. You're great. You're great.

You do have this creepy, horrible smile and, like, fucked up face. Like, rubbery skin. You know, like a fucking nasty old Taiwanese pussy. Like, it's just on your fucking fat, stupid face. And, you know, God, you look like Lyle Lovett, like, after he botched a suicide.

You look like Lyle Lovett after he botched a suicide. You fucking piece of shit. Oh my God. But seriously. Marcus. Marcus is like a weird guy. In case you don't know this. He's done LSD and ripped like, ripped open, like, a corpse of an animal.

His granddad was a member of the, I didn't say, the Hitler group. Whoops, the Nazis. Sorry. Whoops, Freudian slip, you know. You're just fucking crazy. He's got a fucking bone collection in his backyard. What a fucking nuts. And the worst, the worst thing about this guy,

you've got a black girlfriend. Fucking terrible. Horrible piece of shit. You look like fucking Frankenstein took a shit on your face and called it a human being. You fucking capsized Titanic. Oh my God. All right. But he did build Cave Comedy Radio.

He did. He built it. He moved the. He did. He built it. He like moved the furniture in there. He cleaned it all out. He put the computers in there. He fucking got, oh my God, he did so much proving that you can turn nothing into nothing. You know what I mean? No, it's fine.

But it's fine. We've got, you know, a lot of NSA members listen to Cave Comedy Radio. So it's fine. They're our biggest fans. You sack of shit. You rapists. You're all a bunch of rapists. All of you.

You're fat, you're black, you're fat, you're black. Oh my God. Oh shit. All right, bye. All right, so I've got to bring a fella up here, and I want to thank him for getting out of his mother's basement. Because I think that's wonderful. And of course his name is Jared Logan.

And Jared, not yet, because I want to do this thing about your penis. Now, this is kind of a funny joke here, and you'll know it if you understand the missing signs that have been all around the Lorimer and the G train stop. Jared Logan's cock hasn't been seen longer than Avante. Or, Jared Logan's cock hasn't been seen longer than J-Ot. Remember when he went missing as well?

What I'm saying is there needs to be a missing poster on the L train for his cock. Alright. Let's see. Listening to Jared speak is like hearing the inner monologue of a monocle because you imagine how cocky they are um just one of the i don't need to cover both eyes just one um big old cocky fucking piece of eyewear um ladies and gentlemen, I just want to say,

Henry and I do a podcast together called The Last Podcast on the left, which is hilarious because his favorite meal is, of course, The Last Pork Chop on the right. Ladies and gentlemen,

Jared Logan. Jared Logan. Jared Logan. I'm done. All right, I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. No, I do not show it.

Are you kidding me? I guess it's been seen more recently than you thought. I guess you just saw my cock, dude. And now Rebecca's going to tell everybody how small it is, and it is. I wasn't fully excited, Rebecca. Don't tell everybody. Okay. Oh, boy.

What a shitty roast. And everybody in it's done a real shitty job. Kevin Burnett, I didn't even have to use anything that I wrote because your set was so shitty. Thank you for helping us fulfill a quota, I guess. Kevin Barnett, one time I was dating a woman and he asked if he could slap her titty. And there's no joke. Just know that he does that kind of shit. That's the kind of person he is.

Not someone you'd want to associate with. Turner is here and, you know, he's probably here because his pilot probably didn't get picked up Turner yeah yeah guys it's real animosity

I was so jealous of Turner's pilot I was like is there a button to silence just updates on the pilot on Facebook? Amber Nelson, I've said it before, I'll say it again. It's kind of, when you talk to her, it's kind of like talking to a mad lib. Amber Nelson sometimes gives you information and you're like, I think she just read a book of scary stories and thought it was a newspaper. Jackie Zebrowski. I used to have a little crush on Jackie, so the debate on whether I'm gay or not continues.

I used to have a little crush on Jackie, so the debate on whether I'm gay or not continues. You can tell I definitely have a type, and that type is Henry Zebrowski. Holden McNeely, hot ugly guy or ugly hot guy? Either way, it's not working. Try something different. Ed, when I first met Ed, I thought that he looked scary. I think that Ed is like a scary looking guy.

He's a nice guy when you meet him. But I always thought Ed looked scary. But it turns out when you put you in a tie, you kind of clean up a little bit. It's a nice guy when you meet him, but I always thought Ed looked scary. But it turns out when you put you in a tie, you kind of clean up a little bit. It's like even worse. It's like, why is that guy going to court? Racine is tough to make fun of because

where to begin and where to end. You could do nine hours on just his floss. And it's tough for me because I'm a good friend of your ex, Aaron. And Aaron's new boyfriend is a divorced pothead who's also a recovering alcoholic with a kid. So she's finally with someone that's more stable. a kid, so she's finally with someone that's more stable. I think for you, Mike, Aaron was the one that got away, and now you'll

remember to check the locks on the basement door. Ben Kissel. Turns out that saying the worst possible thing in every moment is not a career strategy. Thank you. Marcus, well, Henry. I was going to say Henry looks like he's lost a lot of weight.

He's clearly going to still die earlier than most of us. We covered Henry. Henry's not out here being a man and sitting in front of everybody. So Henry doesn't get a real joke. I'm in character. Ha ha! The whole joke is that you look like alfred e newman but he has better teeth clearly and marcus what do you think happened first marcus getting into satan or god abandoning Marcus, Marcus is like, you're always so weirdly happy when clearly things are going really terrible.

Like, like when they first put Marcus in this closet back here to do the podcast, it was 90 degrees, no windows. It was damp. And you'd be like, isn't this great? I think I'm going to put a sword on the wall. What terror happened to your childhood where that feels great? Where you're like, things are going pretty good. One time Marcus told me that he and his girlfriend at the time well you know your girl right now i just say i know you're from texas because when you first told me about your girlfriend now you were like and she's black and i was like well that's what

a texan would say about that but at one time a couple years ago you told me that you and your girlfriend were going to have an open relationship and i said said, that's not, no, that's not going to work out. And you were like, we're excited about it. And then that meant that not only your girlfriend got to refuse having sex with you, but also lots of other ladies got to refuse having sex with you. You know what? It's just, I think it's so awesome

that you think that everything is working out for the best, even though, even though, I mean, it's so awesome that you think that everything is working out for the best. Even though, I mean, it's like you, have you been enchanted by fairies? Look around you. Things are all going downhill. But I don't care. I love you, and I really appreciate you as a friend. And happy roast, my friend. You're awesome.

See you later. Thank you. Thank Thank you Jared. Jared Logan would gain weight on a desert island. Henry is back there still. We love Henry. How you doing pal? Yeah! Hey man, congratulations on landing that pilot for NBC,

the new romantic comedy show. It's called A to Z. You got to check it out. It's coming soon. It's just so nice to see all your hard work land you the fucking worst job in all of Hollywood. But he's still got... But he still has his own show, Your Pretty Face is Going to Hell, which is about the devil, and it's pro-Satanism.

We all appreciate that. It's also about what it's like to work with Holden McNeely. Everyone, please give it up for Terry the Gnome. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Get my muscles, you bitch! Get my muscles, you bitch! Yeah!

It's Terry! One time I reached up inside a dog's dick and I started playing with his urethra. Yeah! It's Terry! One time I reached up inside a dog's dick and I started playing with his urethra. Yeah! Some tiny, yeah! I got the biggest dick a gnome's ever had.

It's the size of a grape. Yeah! Big old fucking hung a gnome. And I'll climb up on ya. Oh, Amber, I want to climb up inside that pussy. Rebecca's tits are so big.

Reminds me of the time I saw this pregnant fucking badger. Big tits on that badger. Look at that Jerry Logan and Nick Turner over there. Reminds me of that time I raped a pumpkin. Jerry, you fucking pieces of shit. Yeah. Yeah. I remember this one time I was fucking a cat.

And I saw Marcus Parks for the first time. I threw up all over myself in a cat. And it ruined my fucking birthday. Yeah, Jerry! Every fucking time, I gotta save the day! Terry the Gnome, everybody! Terry the Gnome, everybody. Terror of the Gnome, everybody. Oh, my goodness.

Look at that. Holy Christ, that is just... That is something. That's a fun little thing to have in your front yard, I'll tell you that. Just a little Terror of the Gnome, scaring all the kids on Halloween and things like that. let's see here uh well um so that's interesting all right eddie who am i bringing up here ed ladies and gentlemen oh my god i am so disgusted

i've lived with this man for seven years and and each day, I think he's uglier and uglier and uglier. And I don't know what to do about it. Because he's gained weight. But he didn't look good thin. So you can imagine how bad he looks now. Ladies and gentlemen, he could truly be studied for, like, how not to be healthy he is a scientific specimen

bumpy and really i mean i mean there's something about him where you get the feeling bugs are in there you know, there's bugs crawling between the dermis layer there. And then they're just crawling up and having a home. But I love him

and you hate him. And you know what? He doesn't like you much either. Ladies and gentlemen, Holden McNeely. Holden McNeely. Here he is. Holden McNeely.

There he is. I mean, yeah. I love you, man Thank you for having me Jared Logan was clearly molested At a young age, so I think it's pretty Fucked up we're making fun of him Right here Oh, look, it's little Molesty, the man-child.

Watch him dance for a cracker. Is that what you fucking people want? He's damaged. He can't be fixed. He shouldn't be here. He should be in an institution getting his memory erased by electronic devices. For Christ.

Give it up for Ben Kissel and Ed Larson, your hosts. Ben Kissel and I live together, and guess what, ladies? He's fucked up. Kissel and I live together and guess what ladies he's fucked up Henry's pilot Henry my good buddy his pilot A to Z just got picked up can I ask you Henry

is F for faggot have you seen the trailer he's the best friend of either way lord knows that thing sucks nick turner is really funny to look at if you can shut the fuck up for five minutes Amber Nelson Amber the newest member of Murder Fist lucky you Ashley Brooke Roberts said no Rebecca Trent is scary and mean don't touch me don't get near me you fucking witch

Kevin Barnett is a black man. Mike Ray seems like a... Mike... Mike Ray seems like a Like a one man murder fist He's edgy and his career is going Fucking nowhere I'm in the group but I know what the fucking score is

As per last year my joke from Ed For Jackie Jackie works in a whorehouse for dogs That's why she's such a fucking bitch I joke from Ed for Jackie. Jackie works in a whorehouse for dogs. That's why she's such a fucking bitch. Marcus Parks. Yes, sir. He's the only white guy I know that has a black man's name

and a black woman's ass. Marcus, my love for you is as bulbous and pulsing as Ed Larson's hemorrhoids. If Ed were to star in a gay porn, it would be called Blood Ass. But seriously, man. I love you, and you're like my closest friend. Oh, my fucking pussy's crying give me a hug you fucker

hold the mcneely everybody hell yeah buddy good job man that's perfect eddie i think we're to the man of the hour yeah you to McNeely, everybody. Hell yeah, buddy. Good job, man. That's perfect, Eddie. I think we're to the man of the hour. Yeah, you know, let's see what we got here. Marcus,

you got a helmet made out of a horse's skull and you fashioned many other instruments out of horse bones. Yes. So you are to Ed Gein. Wait, no.

What are you saying? You are to Ed Gein? You are to horses what Ed Gein wait no what are you saying you are to Ed Gein you are to horses what Ed Gein was to humans I was trying to compliment you thank you Ed is not sober what are you going to do but seriously buddy

from the bottom of my heart I don't know how to say this really, but in a place where everyone tells me no. They say you're fat. Yeah, well, when I can't say what I want to say, and the world is all full of scrutiny, and I just, I don't know, you let us say what we need to say, and you don't censor us, and you never have said no to me once. And it's fucking amazing.

Well, I'll tell you one thing. I know for a fact Marcus censors all of us, and that's why we still have mild careers. He works very hard in that editing room. Oh, man. Well, I'll tell you what, you have really created something really special at the Creek in the Cave,

and that thing's special is for abortions. What in the world is that about? Why are you bringing up reproduction? Holy Lord. Nick, yeah?

You were one of them? Holy Lord. That's phenomenal. All right, I feel like we need to bring Marcus up here. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for everyone on the dais.

Wonderful. And this man, Marcus, you know I love you. Everybody knows. Truly a person who has entertained people, honestly, who would have committed suicide. Marcus gets all these emails from folks, and I don't know how sad they must have been. Sad enough to get encouraged by him. And he's truly a saint and you've saved lives and I mean that and you've saved ugly lives I wish they

would have killed themselves but that's okay it doesn't matter ladies and gentlemen put your hands together for mr. Marcus parts absolutely This is good. It's been fucking great. Ah. Hello. Thanks for coming, everybody. Appreciate it.

Well, actually, Amber earlier made a bit of a mistake. She said that my grandfather was a Nazi. Actually, Ben's grandfather is the Nazi. Oh, whoops. And the look of regret in Ben's eyes when he says that he's too tall to be a serial killer is the only good thing

to come out of Nazi eugenics. I once saw Ben in his underwear while I was peeking on acid have not made a new memory since. I didn't want to. You just walked through the room. No, I know. Why would you want to make a new memory?

Oh, yeah, of course. Jackie. Of course, Jackie. One of my great fucking loves. Yeah, my God. You know, Jackie and I, we've become very close, and I love her with every ounce of my heart. You know, Jackie and I, we've become very close, and I love her with every ounce of my heart. That being said, when we record sex and other human activities, listening to your past ages me six months

every time we record an episode. Jackie has sent more men to therapy by fucking them than there are rapists in prison. Amber, of course, Amber's here. Amber looks like she's stuck halfway between being a caterpillar and a butterfly. Kind of

pretty, kind of unsettling, and real fucking disgusting. And of course, as they mentioned, Amber just joined Murder Fist, meaning she's given up on her career and wants to focus more on her drinking, yelling, and racism. Jared's also here. Jared's stomach is so big and round, it looks like he bought it at the store. it looks like he bought it at the store. Jared loves fantasy novels, just as I do.

We both do. But while I can, you know, kind of imagine myself as maybe an elf, possibly a knight, something like that, the best that Jared can hope for is the fat guy in the tavern that can't keep his mouth shut and gets a fucking sword through the throat. Of course, Henry Zebrowski uh he was on stage earlier he likes to be called hong kong henry which is fitting because henry has enough body hair to clothe beijing henry is the son of a former nypd officer and the only way he could have disappointed his father more with his career choice

is if he went with his original idea, black guy, cocksucker, drug mule. John Moreno, you saw in the GIT mask earlier, he's the only person on the show that might be skinnier than I am, which is fitting because he's going to be a skeleton long before any of us.

And of course, John Moreno is in Murder Fist, which, you know, Murder Fist. Too fat for their clothes, too unsuccessful to buy new ones. Of course, Kevin is here as well. Kevin is so homophobic that Republicans want him to be their new black guy. Mike Racine is also here. And if you think what Racine says on Facebook is bad, his private conversations are fucking terrifying.

And I'm crazy. Like, legitimately so. Racine likes to stand up for the rights of white men which is why more people hate us every fucking day Nick Turner is also here well you can always tell the kids that never got punched enough I'm in a conversation with Nick is like playing with a dog that's constantly biting you. You know strangling to death is wrong, so you don't. Hey, dogs are fun.

Holden, of course, just fucking killed it. Of course, I'm also in the cowmen with Holden. And being in band practice with Holden is like being locked in a room with a confused dumb horse for three hours which is actually a lot of fun it's actually great i fucking love olden he's the best uh ed of course the roast master along with ben ed's the nicest convicted felon i've ever met i love him but i don't fucking trust him. You know, people keep, they've been calling Eddie fat all night long. But I'd say you're more barrel chested.

Unfortunately, that barrel is filled with fat. Of course, Rebecca. Fucking terrifying to roast your boss. But working for Rebecca is kind of like working for Cleopatra. If Cleopatra was fucked up on drugs all the time, like an unpredictable amount. No, you know, I guess to get serious is that almost every person up here has been with me since all this got started in a dang basement in Bushwick four years ago during what might have been the best summer of my life.

And although I still suspect the only reason why you all started working with me was because I was the guy who owned all the equipment, you kept me around while I worked on being funny and entertaining one hour at a time. It's very rare that a man gets to work with his best fucking friends every single day. I've done and I've heard a million things I never thought I would, and I'm not exaggerating when I say that you people saved my life. And Rebecca, she took a chance on me, someone she barely knew, and I hope that three years later, I've lived up to what you

expected from me on that first day when you asked me what I wanted, and I said a station. I could never thank you enough for what you've given me. And you know, working here at the Creek, I've been here at the Creek for about three years now, and when I was first brought on, I couldn't be happier. But pretty soon, I learned that working at the creek is kind of like working at a whorehouse. Like, at first, it's all fun and games, but three years later you got herpes

and you're fucking dead inside. Thank you very much. Thanks everyone for fucking coming out. Marcus Parks, everybody. Marcus Parks. Thank you all so much for coming out. Henry Zebrowski, John Marino. Kevin Barnett.

Kevin Barnett, the fuckers up here in the NSA. We'll see you guys later. You know about it, Mike Racine, all of them. Let's go get hammered at the bar. Good night, everybody.