The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 20: Hey Pussyneck

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

Come join the Round Table on our 20th episode as we discuss in no particular order, virgin birth snakes, blackface, the election, and how running down the street while overweight will prompt people to throw full bags of food at you. Multiple testimonies prove it. Tune in til the end to hear not only a wonderful little segment from Holden which I have named “I Love You” but also a very one-sided arm-wrestling match with expert commentary from Ben.

One's eating the butt, one's eating the puss, the other one's just chilling out with huge tits. Absolutely. And look, she has her hand on her forehead there. Yeah, but that doesn't look sexy. I don't know, it looks like it's making more force. How come the black chick's got no nipples? That's a good question.

Wait, that's not how it really is. Well, maybe they're just... Dear Lord Beelzebub, thank you so much for sending us here to this underground spelunker lounge. We're going to break out. We have a good podcast. Jackie's pussy stays wet.

Henry's boner stays hard in my mouth. Stays full of Red Bull vodkas, which I think should be tasty. Kevin Barnett, you send him to heaven with you to hang out so you guys can be black together. I think I just said out, or that would have been horrible.

Absolutely. Oh, yeah. Don out or that would have been horrible. Absolutely. Don't take him to... Holy Jesus. Heaven's 1950s Louisiana. Alright, here's the deal. That's the fucking prayer. Welcome to the round table of gentlemen. Who the fuck is on this thing? Jack Zabrowski. Ed Larson.

Kevin Vonnett. I'm Ben Kissel. And in the chuckle, we've got Michael Che, unbelievable comedian, Henry Zebrowski, and Tim Dean, both of Murder Fist, and both very farty. And with us, as always, newsman Marcus Parks. Marcus, Parkus, what do you got for us? A snake has given a virgin birth to 22 offsprings. Jesus.

Jesus snake. 22 snake Jesuses. Fantastic. Do you think they're going to take over the race of snakes, though? Do you think they're going to deliver them from evil? There might be a messiah among one of them. They're all messiahs.

What kind of snake, man? We have to be specific. How did they figure out that no other snake fucked this female snake? Well, I mean, you can do tests and all that to see which... Do snakes have ribbons, or is that only humans? I think that's just... People and bears.

How do they know she was a virgin? Yeah, I mean, how do you find out if a snake was a virgin? Have you guys ever seen snakes fuck? I've never seen snakes fuck. I've seen snakes fuck. Yeah. A lot of snakes fuck. They fuck like you would fuck a

mermaid. One little pecker just comes out and just kind of scale fucks the other one. Oh yeah, they just rub them off each other. Do they just tie themselves in a knot and then see what happens? Come up to the mic, Tim. Barnett, how does this work? Do you've seen it? Yeah, they kind of

intertwine like that. There's like a little, they don't call the dick a dick. They call it like a, it's like a S-T something. A snake. Not snake dick. Give me a big old snake dick. I would love to see snake born. No, it's a penis.

Yeah, well, it's technically a penis, man. But, you know, they fucking, it's a real beautiful thing to watch. A snake penis is kind of redundant. The whole thing is shaped just like a big penis to begin with. Oh, absolutely. You would think that snakes would just be big cocks and they would have intercourse and birth other snakes out of creatures that look like big vaginas. Like the ladies, yeah, the lady snake forms herself into like a big vagina. Yeah. And the boy snake.

Just plunges itself into it. I bet that's why they shed their skin. Because it's like, that's like their condom. They have a whole body condom that they just rub on a rock until it just comes and just peels right out of there. I think that all of that is wrong.

Because that's just not. That's just a sort of weird fantasy world. It's just rubbing on the rock. You just get those scales. You're like Andy Hoffman. I guess the snake just fantasy world. It's just rubbing on the rock. You just get those scales. They're like Andy Hoffman. I guess the snake just gets really, really, really stiff. Just like the whole long snake.

Does that happen? It's very possible. It's how moose actually mate. They come into a snake and then they have the snake shove into another moose. This is the Egyptian mythology. Yeah. It's fantastic.

It's beautiful, the origins. What does the virgin birth mean? I mean, are they figuring this out? Well, they've got very strange chromosomal interactions. Snakes, instead of humans, have X and Y chromosomes, whereas snakes have X and Z chromosomes. You're blowing my fucking mind right now, bro.

But these snakes have two W chromosomes. What? Whoa! Wow! That means nothing to me. Is all the rest you guys just were sort of like, what?

And Kevin had this fucking brightened look on his face? No, man. This is reminding me a lot about what happened at Jurassic Park. You know the fuckery that happened in that movie. Oh, yeah, man. Maybe snakes are going to be the next human race. Maybe they're just going to become really big

and they don't even need to fuck anymore. They just multiply by the millions. Like Michael Bloomberg. I just multiply by the millions. Like Michael Bloomberg. I think he's the first one. He's the first snake mayor in the country. First snake with thumbs. That's the problem. As soon as these things get thumbs,

they're going to start raping our children and our women. As soon as a snake gets thumbs, it can become mayor. Like last week with the bears who learned to drive. The bears start teaching the snakes how to drive. Snakes and bears driving together. You're made out of snakes. Oh my god. It's like the alliance between the Nazis and the Japs.

It's just impossible to beat. Well, we won. I guess it's possible. That's a good point. Nuke them. Nuke those fuckers now before they get a chance to build their army against us. So we just have open snake slaughter then

everywhere. Absolutely. I think it might be justice though because snakes, they kind of got a bad rap after that whole Bible fiasco. Absolutely. What did the snake do

to get such a fucking villainous role in the most important book of our time? They have fangs and they're creepy looking. And he lied to that woman. Yeah.

He lied to the woman. Have an apple, bitch. You're skinny as fuck. It was a black snake. He said, eat a biscuit. Eat a biscuit, Ian. You're a fucking skinny slut. Look, that didn't need to be racist.

There's no reason for that. There's no reason for it. That's true. Why is your snake Monique all of a sudden? Well. Why does the snake know he snake have to be black? That's entirely true. Monique is the most vile, venomous snake on the planet.

Well, this is bad news for all the Jewish snakes, the snakes that don't believe that these other snakes were a virgin mother. We're going to get blamed when all these other snakes get crucified. You know, Jewish snakes, they shed their foreskin. Oh, that's nice. That's kind of a funny joke.

Best thing you've ever heard over the radio. You are welcome. This isn't radio. Listen to the Roundtable of Gentlemen every Monday. Every Monday it comes out. Every Monday. All right.

Plug the show, guys. We're on the show. I didn't think the black snake thing was racist in particular. Biscuit? Why did you ask if there was a watermelon? I love biscuits and watermelon. All right, first of all, everyone loves gin and juice.

Watermelons are amazing. Well, you're an asshole and you're a racist. No, I just don't like it. It doesn't taste good. Watermelons are delicious. So are biscuits. That's the thing. Every stereotype about black people, I like them.

Gravy? Family picnics? I love family picnics. Who doesn't love a family fucking picnic? Big hats? We just like to have a good time. What are white people's stereotypes? Just like camping?

Vander Mountain, camping, stink bait, and Larry the Cable Guy. Anything else in the news, Marcus? You're just talking about racism. A Tennessee lawmaker, representative, can't quite remember her name right now, a woman, she posted a picture on Facebook of her

with her pastor. Keep that in mind. The pastor was in drag. Not that big of a deal. Big deal. Big deal. He was in blackface. And the caption underneath said, I love you, Aunt Jemima. Oh!

I was going to say, maybe he just loved the Staple Singers or something. So he went. That's tough. Wait, what state is this from? Tennessee. That is incriminating.

Yeah, I know. Yeah, you shouldn't have done that. Is dressing in blackface still that bad? Yes. You went way dressed in that. Is dressing in blackface still that bad? Dwayne Wade dressed in whiteface for last Halloween. Did you see that? Dwayne Wade dressed in whiteface for last Halloween. I feel like people are starting to play with it a little bit more.

I don't think that blackface is as bad as it used to be. After Ted Danson, it just seems like... Well, he was fucking whoopee. If you're fucking whoopee Goldberg, you get to be in blackface once a year. Good stipulation. Absolutely. I think it's just more, if it's okay when Robert Downey Jr. did it,

but when it's with white lips and tar on your face, that shit's horribly offensive. For Halloween and stuff, I think it's going to be deemed offensive if you're going as Aunt Jemima or a thug or something like that. If you're going as the president, it's okay. If you're going as a specific person. What about Tichuba, though? Maybe Tichuba, when she's out

burning things. Who's that? Who's Tichuba? From the Crucible? Anybody? I can't talk about that. What do you think about blackface, Chad? Well, I just don't understand why Aunt Jemima, if he's a man, hasn't he ever heard of Uncle Ben? He could have done Uncle Ben.

Or he could have carried around like a trumpet. He's been like one of 1,000 people. Which one are you? Which famous one are you? I'm a jazz major. I'm dressed in black pants. I'm a jazz major. I just wanted to feel the music.

Turns out people look at me terribly. I don't know why. Being black is tough. I'm just trying to reach people and their souls and their music. Wouldn't you believe it? Black people actually hate me more than white people do.

I don't even understand it. What a wonderful world. That is so wonderful. from that music. Wouldn't you believe it? Black people actually hate me more than white people do. I don't even understand it. What a fool world that is. You never know. I think that was a fantastic choice for him to make, though. On Halloween, you do,

you can act once a year as you want to be. He wants to be a black woman. Specifically on Jemima. Nigga loves syrup. Who doesn't? Once again. Are we talking about

Monique again? This is... I hate Monique so much. Fat with no boobs. No boobs. How do you do that? How do you do that? How the fuck do you do that?

It makes me so angry. It's like her fucking... The fat that goes into her body is like the marathon runner. Stop at the tits. Take a break. Relax. I hate her.

He just drained her neck. Shit. Put that in your tits. Take a break. Relax. He just drained her neck. She didn't put that in the tits. That is a fat ass neck, man. I want breast implants. The doctor's like, well, I have no idea where we're going to get it from. All the fat to put in your boobs. All from her neck. Ugh.

Next thing you know. Don't they refer to it as the giblets, though? Neck fat giblets. I love how you've gotten a catchphrase now, Jackie. Meow. What's great, too, is it always makes me cringe every time. Now she doesn't

even have to say anything disgusting before she says meow, and I'm just like, ugh! Stop it! Well, we were outside earlier and, you know, she's talking about how she likes to take a hot piss and how it's hotter for women because it has to go through her labia. She's like, yeah, she's gotta go through her labia.

Labia, meow! Oh, God. I love it. It was about, like, when you're really, really cold outside and, like, there's nothing like a woman taking a bath. No! Just stop! I know what you're talking about.

You know what I mean? When you come out of a pool, too. It's hot. It's really hot. Sometimes I just don't pee to stay warm. Oh, yeah. I always love to pee. If a wizard cursed me and I had to have labia for a a day, I'd be alright with it.

Yeah. What about a week? Why not? A week I'd go. A month, say no. Oh. Just the labia? So you have a dick and balls and then just like you got wings?

It could be on my neck and neck, dude. My neck labia. It could be anywhere. It could be anywhere. No hole though. It's just fucking labia. Just floppy labia lips. You already kind of have that.

I've been told. I've been told nice labia at a bar. Hey, pussy neck. I want to fuck your neck. Hey, buddy, bring your pussy neck over here. Why do they call me pussy neck? Well, Holden, you have a pussy neck. I thought it was just like a cool

slang name for me. It's in my hip hop and everything. It's like fucking Pussy Neck coming back. Whenever you pee out of it, I will be aroused. I'll tell you that. I remember when I was a freshman in college, my buddy slept over at my place and we just got hammered.

We started drawing on his face. And I drew this pussy on his face. And then I wrote across his forehead pussy face. And his sister was graduating in the morning and I'm up now. So I had to go to her graduation. My pussy face kind of scrubbed out.

Well, what you did was just make her graduation that much more memorable. But he pissed in the middle of my kitchen, so he deserved it. That was fantastic. God damn. Friends like that, pissing everywhere. I love it. I was just thinking about lick a dick dude for a second It was Brandon, right?

Gotta get him on here If you guys don't know the lick a dick story, check out the podcast 3, I think He's back from his little jazz cruise Ready to lick the dicks I love it Mark, any hot news stories? Going back to the world of politics

Of course we had the big elections Midterm elections on Tuesday. We did? Yeah. Who did? America. America. Okay, who voted in this room?

I did. One? This is a huge vote. One out of, what is there, seven of us? Do you remember that beautiful discussion we had last week about the rally? It didn't take. No. I went to the rally. It didn't take. No. I went to the rally. That's the only time I voted.

That was big. Yeah, I'm not even registered. I don't even have a license registered in a state. Yeah. Under the radar. Yeah, it doesn't even matter. If I would have voted, I don't even know who I would have voted for. Yeah, that's the thing. I didn't know anything about any of the candidates. The only person I was gonna

vote for was the Rin is too damn high guy. It's a joke. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It would have been useless if I did vote. So I wasn't gonna vote for Cuomo, man. He's just so blatantly a mobster. He's a blatant mobster, and like we said on Dog Shit, he's the son of a fucking former governor who grew up wealthy and is married to

Sandra Lee, the television personality. He's a cook. That's not a success story. Of course, now you're the governor. Semi-homemade. The bitch with the pies? Bitch with the pies! That's actually the tag of the show.

Sandra Lee, the bitch with the pies. Oh, shit. He looks like... Just to old brother. Just to clarify. You didn't hear it the first time. I'm excited. I want to get... When do we vote, then? When is the election?

I think you just kind of do it whenever, is what it's called. You just sort of do it whenever you feel like it. You just go to the polls. Get it in by, yeah, December 20th or something. You just go to the corner of 5th Avenue and 13th Street and scream whoever you wanted to vote for. Palladino!

And then you leave, and now your votes count. Who won? Cuomo won. He killed him. Palladino threatened to hit people in the head with bats at a press conference. No, it wasn't that good for a governor. Yeah, but the other guy's a mob guy.

You think he's not hitting people in the head with bats? Well, you know, I just said that. Who knows what he really is. I have no idea what he's about. I have no clue. I'm just happy to have a governor that if he did have a bat and a baseball got thrown at him, he could possibly hit that baseball. I'm happy to have a governor who can see. He looks like the devil in a suit.

Yeah, it'll be nice. I'm actually very excited. I hope he does rotten shit. We need some spice. What's he possibly going to do? It's like the beginning of a horror movie. What's the worst that could happen? Paladino's the real homophobic one

that he was all fucking with, right? Yeah, he said he doesn't agree with the gay agenda being taught in schools, which I think the schools are just teaching, don't beat up gays. That's the gay agenda. That is the gay agenda. They don't want to get beat up

Don't beat up gays So as far as New York goes Where we're voting It went predominantly liberal We went Democrat I don't think Cuomo is particularly liberal But Democrat So our votes wouldn't have fucking mattered

That's why I don't vote here Although Wisconsin where I'm from Russ Feingold got rebouted by this Tea Party dude, which is like a huge situation. Tea Party guy won? Yeah. And for like 16 years, Feingold was the guy there. So that's like a big shift.

32% of Tea Party candidates were elected. Wow. Man, I should probably get to know these things. It's better for Obama, though, because now he's going to share the blame with Republicans when shit goes bad and the economy's going to pick up. He's totally going to get re-elected in 2012. I think it's best. I actually think the situation's better.

Niggas do not share blame. We get all of it. It's a... That's just how the world works, man. Obama's just super happy that you called him a nigger. I think that... Or a nigger. I can't even say the word right It's only cool when I say it

No no no I have to prove a point She'll never say the n-word That's two in three weeks I'm breaking out of my show Not you, first Jackie, then you. I didn't say the N-word. Listen to the tape, honey.

No, no, but Kevin, what is it about the word that you have to do in order to say it? I mean, look, I'm just saying you're surrounded right now, man. That's why I feel so comfortable. I've never felt safer in my life. Yeah, but what about the term negritos?

That's fine. Does that count? Negritos, nigglets, that's all good. Nigglets is far worse. That's a lot of time I've had to find it. I think that by far, spicklet is the best one. Spicklet's pretty adorable. You know, it's pretty cute. I think it's an endearing term.

Look, I don't normally get offended by racism or people saying that word. The one time I did get offended, I was in Tallahassee. I was riding with my friend Nelson, and it was like, he had some little firecrackers that you throw and they explode, little poppers. And we passed by an elementary school and he's like, oh snap, niggas!

And he starts throwing it at me. It's like tiny grenades. Just sitting in the car like, man, fuck. I've had people driving down the street call me fat. It's fat! Like, literally just like, hey, you're fat! Hey, you're fat! You're on the car, you're walking,

you gotta go get food, you're fat! It doesn't make any sense. I was morbidly obese in Wiscotson. I was like 380 at this point, so I started running. I'm running, I'm getting to get food, you fat! It doesn't make any sense. I was morbidly obese in W. Wisconsin. I was like 380 at this point, so I started running. I'm running across the bridge. It's the worst. Exercising while being fat. So bad, you can't do it! You cannot exercise while being fat

because it looks ridiculous! Hey, look at Fatty trying to exercise his fat. It's like a book in the 1950s running for public office. Everyone's like, oh, cute. Oh, look at you, cutie pie. I'm running across the bridge. A group of high school people slow their car down to like five miles an hour.

Keep running, fat ass. Keep running. So I stopped running immediately and turned around and went to Burger King. Yeah. I was so heartbroken. In the end, you won. Well, I guess so. They're probably still driving around yelling at college kids,

keep running, fat ass! My life is terrible. No, man, one time these high school kids, while I was running, threw a bag of McDonald's food at me. It was filled with food. I was just immediately like, they were so stupid. Why did they throw all this food? Why did they throw the food away? Filled with food. I was just immediately like, there was no soup.

Why did they throw all this? Why did they throw the food away? They threw a full bag? They threw a full bag of food at me. That's the greatest insult ever for a pot person. I wish people knew what a pothead I was and just threw me weed all the time. Like, oh, this is what I love.

Hey, take your weed, you pothead. I think that's a normal thing, because when I first moved to the city, I was riding my bike through the Lower East Side at like 11 at night, and like six cars went by and called me a faggot, and then the seventh called me a faggot and threw a full bag of McDonald's at me.

And I ate the shit out of it. It was wonderful. It happens all the time. It's the city of brotherly love. It's a thing people do. It's Philadelphia. Oh, God, Philadelphia is much brotherly love. It's a thing people do. Philadelphia's much worse than any other place except for Detroit. They just know everybody loves bullets,

so they constantly shoot them at you. Oh, you wanted a bullet. Ask me for it with these bleeding eyes. You're talking about bullets. Recently, a Navy SEAL was caught smuggling guns from the Middle East. Oh, that happens.

Just bringing guns over from Iraq. Well, you know, better they're here than there. I mean, it wasn't like three or four guns. It was 80 machine guns. 80 machine guns. And how did he get them back? Didn't they notice Lieutenant McCoy's bags were a little heavy? It didn't say how exactly he got them back, but what he did

whenever he got back to America, he sold them on the black market. So that means there's 80 machine guns just sort of floating around out there. Badass, badass. He's a Navy SEAL. He knows what he's doing. What city did he sell them in? San Diego. San Diego? That's a peaceful town, isn't it?

I think it'll be fine. I'm just happy I don't work for 3M or some other shitty-ass office job because those are the people who really have to be worried about semi-automatic sales. One of those dudes go crazy. It's always a fucking semi-automatic that they bring in there and just destroy.

Ducks in a pond. It was Las Vegas, too. Ducks in a barrel. Las Vegas and San Diego. Monkeys in a barrel. No, fish in a barrel. Fish in a barrel. Yeah, it's fish in a barrel. I'm gonna shoot

birds in the sky. No, that's harder to do. What the fuck is shooting monkeys, and where do you get that from? Well, you say, hey, it's more fun than a barrel of monkeys. Not when you're shooting fish in a barrel of monkeys. Not a real thing. I know my fucking sayings and phrases. Yeah, man.

Kevin Burnett. How many monkeys do you think you can put in a barrel? Wow. Not too many, man. Depending on the size of the monkey. Like a whiskey barrel? Yeah, like a whiskey barrel, and we'll say spider monkeys. Three monkeys. No, I would say eight spider monkeys.

You could put like 10, 12 spider monkeys. Yeah, spider monkeys are so small. You think, but it's going to be so hard to get them in without them jumping out. Are they dead, though? You sedate the spider monkeys. No, they're not dead. Can you sedate them? No, no sedating them.

No sedating them. You can put in 30 dead spider monkeys and three alive spider monkeys. That's what I'm saying. Especially if you cut them up. Or you can have the live ones cut up a little bit. Yeah, exactly. Like, cut their arms off and shit, and you know. Or you can, like, shove them in. Like, if they're, and you know. Or if you, like, shove them in,

like, if they're, like, sedated, you can, like, mush them to, like, the ooze comes out. There's all types of methods to get monkeys in barrels. We all know that. Good capper

on that conversation. We just know it's a lot of fun. Shit, what do you mean monkeys in a barrel? Nah, that was funny. I don't want to fuck it up. That's actually the theme of the podcast.

Pretty much after Barnett speaks, it's like, that was the best thing we could have said. Let's move on. I love how we had that conversation right after we just talked about how none of us voted. And it's just... Because we're talking about monkeys in a barrel. That's the saddest shit in the world.

What do retards talk about that don't vote? How many monkeys can you put in a barrel. What do retards talk about that don't vote? How many monkeys can you put in a barrel? I'm a man that cares about what's important in life. The real things. Jesus Christ. Well, I hope nobody gets killed with those machine guns that fella brought over, I'll tell you.

Well, that's not going to happen. I'll tell you that. It's not going to be documented, but it's not going to happen. I'll tell you that. It's not going to be documented, but it's definitely going to happen. I just hope some poor kid who needs a chip up gets one of them guys. I mean, he needs to feel confident. He needs to go just mow down. Just to clean it over and over again. You know what?

Dealing with high school kids as I'm older now, I wish they all had guns and they would all just kill each other. I fucking hate high school kids so much. I wish we could just wipe out that whole age and then train the new ones to be better. Yeah. Now you die. Kill each other, you pigs. You're all disgusting piggies.

You kill each other now like Lord of the Flies. It's going to be like Battle Royale, man. Battle Royale is great. It's a good idea. Especially if you choose one class to go do it. It's like, this could be you. You might have to murder everyone you fucking know. Think about it.

Think about it. What's going to happen to you? So we'll take a freshman class. You guys want to be seniors, right? You guys want to be out of here? You've got to kill the seniors, and then you're the seniors. And then you can be the seniors. And then you go, and then we'll just convince every freshman class to kill the of here. You've got to kill the seniors and then you're the seniors. And then you can be the seniors. And then you go and then we'll just

convince every freshman class to kill the senior class and it'll be perfect. I think this needs to be implemented. I think this is something that we need to start now. Well, you should have voted for Palladino. This is actually one of his... You can actually do this in Nevada. This is actually completely legal in Nevada.

Well, of course. It's in the middle of the desert. Nobody knows what goes on in the desert. Oh, yeah. It's a ghost world out there. Thank God Sharon Engel lost. That's all I know. Who's she? What'd she do? Psycho Tea Party gal running against Harry Reid. Oh, yeah. Vince McMahon's wife.

She lost. Yeah, she lost, which was crazy. Because she spent so much money. And her character was the rooster. She came out dressed as a rooster just scrambling for a fight. And everyone was like, nay. I vote nay to the rooster. Yes, I like the rooster

though because I enjoy her fiscal responsibility. Ben, did you see that WWE skit that they did right before the election? Yeah, I think this actually hurt her. Vince McMahon did a skit where he was in the hospital room, because apparently that's the storyline now, and as he walked out to cover himself, he wore the campaign sign of her opponent on his ass.

And he was walking out to take a huge shit. Yeah, yeah. So it implied that he shit all over her. You think that hurt her? I think that being affiliated with pro wrestling hurt her yeah because I think that people think that pro wrestling is a trashy form of entertainment

I don't think it was the fans that saw that on TV that like it hurt her for it hurt her for the people who found out about it yeah but who's watching wrestling like oh wait a minute I don't like this storyline I'm voting the other guy. Fuck that. The dude that ran against her kept on running political ads of her, like, in the WWE, like,

you know, being her character. She's a real bitchy gal who was, like, you know, saying curse words and getting hit in the face with chairs and shit. And that's what he used, like, against her. Like, her job hurt her. It's kind of like the stripper who ran against her. I love America. Yeah. You know,pper who ran here. I love America. You know, that just makes me love America.

But immediately, immediately, if my parents found out anyone was associated with the WWE, they would be like, I'm not voting for them. Exactly. I think there's a lot of people that feel that way. That's low class and terrible and trashy, and I'm not voting for them. So they don't know shit about wrestling. They just know they want nothing to do with it. And they don't think they have any idea how their son turned out.

No. If they knew, they'd cry themselves to sleep every night. That's amazing, especially since the Terminator won. The Terminator won a fucking election. Hell yeah, he's different. That's different than pro wrestling. Really? He was a blatant drug abuser.

He only talks freely about the orgies he was in. But he was also in Kindergarten Cop. Let's not forget. My father always talks shit about wrestling and how worthless it is and how I'm wasting my life watching it, but forced me to watch

every single Arnold Schwarzenegger movie there was. Forced me, because he loves them. What about Jesse Ventura, a wrestler? That's a good point. He was in Predator, so he Ventura a wrestler that's a good point he was in Predator so he covers both faces another good point double whammy I wish Carl Weathers would run just so there'd be

three people from that movie in the congress a weed would run man I'd vote for it then I'd smoke it yeah yeah you're an idiot. Speaking of weed, they just busted all of the fucking weed

coming into California. Did you hear about that? Six football fields long, this tunnel. They found two dudes smuggling 20 tons of weed. And it was just two dudes hauling it through this tunnel, and they busted them in action. You think they were a team of horses?

What, from Mexico? Yeah, just from the border from California to Mexico. It was six football fields, so that's how close the border was. That must have been the funnest job on the Facebook plan. Your job is, I would be sitting with reins on a horse and carrying a cup of bale of weed. He's coming in, he's like, whoo! The whole time, tossing my hat in the air. It's just like, weed. You know, like, he's coming in, he's just like, whoo! The whole time, like, tossing my hat in the air. It's basically, it's just like Deadwood.

I have it to cover. Oh, I love your vision so much more than mine, because mine is so much more of just, like, a slave laborer, just, like, hauling 20 tons of weed that you can't smoke, you can't touch, or you get killed, you know? It's very devastating. And then these big, burly cops come in and threaten to kill you, and then you have to

give up all the weed and they're probably going to die anyway oh yeah absolutely because they're going to go back to Mexico and the drug dealers are going to behead them

yeah you owe me you owe me six football fields of weed yeah they're like I don't have 20 tons of weed I don't want to get 20 tons of weed for you boss

I can't do it and then they're going to die they're dead they're like cocaine cowboys you ever watch cocaine cowboys? Like the godmother of cocaine in Miami. She was the best. She would just murder the fuck out of people.

You know what I'm saying? She's like, not only murder you, but she's like, I want you to go in, I want you to murder their wife, I want you to murder their kids, I want you to slash all their throats. And that's what happened to them and all their families. She killed their dogs, too. She did?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is so much meaner than killing their children. She just did. Shut up, dog. It is. Man, no, heartless. Heartless job is what it is. I just feel bad.

I read this great Juarez article the other day, and it said 118 cops or Mexican marshals were murdered in Juarez, Mexico last year. 118! One year, one city. That's fucking crazy! The numbers are in the thousands. This drug war is killing everybody over there.

It's a pull-on war, man. Yeah, it's a legalized fucking weed, so nobody has to die. It's not just weed. No, but it's mostly pull on war yeah it's a legalized fucking weed so nobody has to die it's not just weed no but it's mostly weed because most people weed is like the perfect

of drugs everybody loves weed yeah but I thought it was all blow though no no just some blow it's all blow and heroin and weed

it's everything it's everything but I think weed is their major money maker and old beanie babies this is this is this is this is this is this is this is this is this is this is this is this is this is this is this is this is this is this is this is this is this is this is this is this is this is this is this is this is this is this is this is this is this is this is this is this is this is this And old beanie babies. This is... This is totally true. These old beanie babies, they're bringing it, too.

It's just like, you just can't find it anymore. Princess Diana? You got all that shit. They got it over there. They're just smuggling it in, man. You have fucking slitting children's throats over these beanie babies. Princess Diana.

Beanie baby. Princess Diana beanie baby. I remember my mother paid $75 for a Princess Diana Beanie Baby. That's a real thing? Yeah. Yeah, oh yeah. Live your life like a baby.

It's a blue bear. No, it's just so retarded. What does it look like? Princess Diana. It's nearly decapitated. It's got a seatbelt on it. God damn. Yeah!

There's some paparazzi figures to go with. This is great I'm really enjoying my new princess Diana action figure she crashes into the wall was she actually decapitated

yeah she was wow she got fucking beheaded gosh man it's been years since I've heard a good princess Diana

death joke. I think it's impressive. That's great. Made her a legend. No one would know who she was otherwise. She didn't do anything good ever. You remember that Elton John song? Candle in the wind.

That wasn't the tune. Candle in the wind. Candle in the wind. Candle in the wind. Candle in the wind. Little life like a candle in the wind. The same exact day Diana died in that car accident, me and Ed got in a little car trouble ourselves. Ed decided to hold on to the back of my Mazda. I remember when we fell off the bus.

Was that the same day? Yeah, it was the same exact day. I'm the driver. Yeah, you're dead. We just decided to drive around this parking lot with Ed hanging on the back of my Mazda 66 and acting like he's not letting us leave and yelling. Is this a motorcycle?

No, it's a car. It's a Mazda 66. I drove too fast, hit a speed bump, he fell off and knocked out all of his teeth. No, I knocked out a tooth and a half. What? To Tim's credit, Ed has two teeth. Pretty much all of his teeth.

And then we went and watched Copland and then went home and found out that Diana was iced. That's so funny because I swear to God, it sounds like I'm probably lying, but I was watching

Saturday Night Live. I was watching Saturday Night Live... Same here. I was watching Saturday Night Live and when the news thing came on and they said paparazzi. I've never heard the word paparazzi in my life before. All I could think was why the fuck did paparazzi kill Princess Diana?

Everything was like a bad naked gun script. I'm like, why did paparazzi kill Princess Diana? Why did paparazzi like driving his car I actually I actually have a very distinct I was gangster, man. I fucking killed the queen of England. I didn't know what was going on. I was a product. I actually have a very distinct memory of that night. It was a rerun of SNL.

And the Spice Girls were the musical guests. And I was all excited because I was going to beat off the Spice Girls. Right before they were about to go on. Right before they were about to go on. And fucking cut off. And it was Princess Diana. And I was angry and mad. I was so mad that she died.

I was like, who gives a fuck about the fucking princess? And then we're British, too. I was going to give an ode to Britain. Did you beat up to the Scary Spice, usually? Oh, no. Scary was so hard.

Big Titted Ginger. Wasn't it Genie? Ginger Spice. I don't giveitted Ginger. Yeah! Wasn't it Genie? Genie? Ginger Spice. But I think your name is Genie. I don't give a fuck what her real name is. Jerry. Jerry!

Jerry, yeah. My favorite was Baby Spice. Baby! She was 106 years old! My favorite was Baby Spice. Yeah, they should have called her Old Spice. We'll let it slide. We'll let it slide. We'll let it slide.

And on that note, Holden McNeely, you got a segment for us? This segment is called Loving Things. And we go around and we're just going to pick one person in the room

and you just say things about them that you love. Why have your segments become terrible? Because I'm out of ideas! Ben, I love your feet and your hands. Thank you, Holden. I like it when we hang out together late at night and your breath is that of angel's wings, buddy.

Thank you, Holden. Ben, it's your turn. Is that how it goes? If you get something said nice about you? It's about therapy. It's about us coming together, uniting under one microphone and loving each other.

This is bullshit, man. I know. I did this because you gotta hate. I'm not participating in this. I know. I did this because you got to hate. I'm not participating in this. I know. I've wiped all form of niceness and compliment from me. I've ascended, man. I've told you this already.

When did it die? It died about a month or two ago. Oh, what reason? Yeah. That's why I didn't say anything about the Princess Diana or the Spice Girls thing because I wiped my childhood from my memory. Yeah, you saw. I ain't trying to say that shit.

That's why your hair is bright blonde and shot up all over the place. Absolutely. Shocker. Marcus, I think you were very fun. You're a nice young man and I enjoy watching horror movies with you. So, now it's your turn.

Thank you very much. Fuck this. Fuck this. Jackie, you pour a great cup of coffee. Thanks, man. And I... I really, really appreciate that. And I enjoy your off-color comments.

Oh, thank you. And your general demeanor. What do you think about her eyes? Her eyes are average. Thank you. Jesus. He's being honest. He's being honest.

It's about you. Don't prop. You can't prop, people. You didn't say anything negative. I said nothing negative at all. Just like everybody else. Yeah, it's like the great eye. No one likes that.

Everyone has great eyes. Ed. Hi Jackie. To Ed. I feel like if we had kids they would be strong with bad acid reflux. And that they would be like with manes of gold

and then together Wait. This is just a nice one. I'm taking all of these and then together I appreciate your heritage and I appreciate your strength and character and in soul and maybe one day we will create beautiful What are you doing? I gave her a bunch of sperm and she's kissing her first time.

I think Jackie just proposed to Agnes. You want to marry me? Will you marry me? Who do I do? Anybody you want. Do I do the chocolate? You can do the chocolate.

It's about love. I'm going to talk to Che. I like how black you are. I like that how when you go around you wear Brooklyn jackets. You're very stereotypically black. When you go around, you wear Brooklyn jackets. And you're really just like, you know, you're very stereotypically black.

And I appreciate that. It really helps me when I imagine what other black people are like. And I realize, yes, I was right. Also, just a note, too, anybody, if you want to, you can hug and or kiss each other while this is happening. Awesome.

All right. Shay, you're up here up yes well so I got a pick somebody new right yeah anybody compliment me again I'm gonna go I'm gonna go with Tim. Tim, I think you're a lovely man. I love that you don't have a pussy neck like Holden. That's very positive. That's very good. That's a good thing. I think you're a very funny man.

Your beard is fantastic. I want to nestle it. Wow. This is getting real. This is getting really real in real. This is about love. Talk about how he is. He smells bad. I like how you eat tuna and you smell bad. That's beautiful.

You should eat fucking tuna. He's like a longshoreman. He's never worked a day in his life. Man, did you hear that he smells bad, too? Yeah, he smells terrible. That's what I've heard Chase said. I was just like, oh my god, I was thinking that.

I was thinking that. No, he smells terrible. Alright, Tim, you're up. What has anyone here seen me eat tuna? Everyone's seen you eat tuna. Has anyone here seen me tuna? Has anyone here seen Tim eat? Yeah. It's been so long.

I've been unemployed for so long. I would imagine you're only eating tuna alone. Who hasn't been taken here yet? Henry and Barnett. Oh, Barnett. Kevin, Kevin, Kevin. Holy Jesus. I love so much about you.

I love so much about you I love so much about you first and foremost I love how every time I see you I immediately make sure my wallet is still in my pants and it's always still there so thank you for not Kevin's not the stealing type I love that

it's just so cute how you think we're in competition to get laid and I just won so hard. Well, you're not giving compliments, Tim. You're being mean to him. Oh, okay. No, okay. I had to say nice things.

Nice things. Okay. Don't say that he's going to take your wallet. Tim's actually here for an arm wrestling rematch. Yeah. Oh, arm wrestling rematch. I'm doing it. Ladies and gentlemen.

I was about to say I love that you were very classy when you beat me. And that if you don't want to do a rematch... You accused him of being a thief simply because he is tall. Rematch! Rematch! Not all tall people are thieves. Now let's not get... I would prefer not to. We're doing a rematch. All right.

We're all going to say something nice about Kevin. Kevin, I love you. You're fantastic. You're one of my favorite people in the world. I will say I think Kevin gets consistently the most laughs of anyone on this podcast. You're all great.

Now you're being mean to everybody else. All right, so let's just do this. Henry. Please let me win. Nobody had anything nice to say about you, so we're going to do this arm wrestling competition. I'm sorry, Henry. Nobody chose you.

Second server. Kevin's got to choose me. Kevin's got to choose me. He's opting out. Kevin's the only one who can refuse to do stuff. He's opting out. It doesn't matter. You're fine. All right, all one who can refuse to do stuff. He's opting out. It doesn't matter. You're fine.

All right, all right. It's all right. I like me. I like my funny feet. And I like my beautiful hair. I like how my eyes have a wink to them. I like how I'll laugh at a joke any time, no matter if I'm down or if I'm up. I like jokes.

Just nothing bad to say about anybody.. I don't have to joke. Nothing bad to say about anybody. Just a good old-fashioned joke. Great dude. Just love that. Hey, Mr. Brownskin. Let's get this competition underway. Ladies and gentlemen, arm wrestling competition. Improc, your rematch of the century.

Apollo Creed versus Rocky. KB, you're Rocky. Is this being filmed? Is this on film? Rocky lost the first one. Oh, I'm going to beat you so bad. Holy Jesus. I can film it with my cell phone.

Please don't. No reason to film it. Let's get a film, though. I should probably flip. I don't know why I'm moving this out of the way. Can we put that online? This will literally go no different. Kevin, what are you going to say now? A couple of words for Tim, perhaps? out of the way. Can we put that on the line? This will literally go no different. Move all that out of the way.

What are you going to say now? A couple of words for Tim, perhaps? Oh, Tim, I don't know why you're doing this to yourself again. I don't want to.

Well, I guess this is real life. If anyone kind of forced on him, move that shit out of the way. That arm's going to go down hard.

It's a podcast, but his arms are like I-beams of steel. This is video proof. And he's got beautiful arms. And what do my arms look like, Jackie? Twigs of baby infants. Absolutely. Nice twigs of baby infants.

No, no. They're very taut. Very strong. Man, Kevin Barnett is gonna like school you. Alright, Jackie. Be unbiased here. We're recording. Alright, ladies and gentlemen. Anybody could win this. Anyone could possibly win. This is not like the Patriots playing the bills

here. This is a very solid competition. Alright, let's do it on the count of three. We'll count down from four. Four, three, two, one, go! Wow! It took just about that long for it to be Tim. Oh my god, Tim's fighting back.

He's going back. Tim's fighting back. He's going back. He's going back down. Join with him like a small kitten. Join with him. Oh, my God. This is just cruel and unusual.

You can't knock me down, Ray. Bring it up. Bring it up. Let him do it. Oh, my God. His arm is down. Oh, my God. Wow, Tim.

It was so weird. Man, like, It was so weird. Devin is so strong. It was like a puppeteer with a small retarded puppet. And right now, right now, Ed is immediately showing the playback to Tim to show him how fucking bad he was. You sucked at that.

He killed you, Tim. In my defense, I did last longer than the last time. He let you last. It would have been over before. It was long. The match was... I'm pretty sure I saw it in his eyes. I can be a gracious man sometimes, you know? The part of the human side of me

can still be a gracious dude sometimes. Kevin Barnett is kind of like a saint. Man of the year. The way he almost let you think that you might possibly not be... We all really appreciate everything about you, Kevin. We're glad you won. Yeah.

All right, let's end the podcast with a Tim Dean loss. You know what? I got something to say. This right here, this is our 20th episode. Yay! Congratulations.

All right. Jack, it was a good party. Holy moly. Thank you, Kevin. Kevin, guys.