The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 200: Happy Birthday Bone Toilet

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

This week on Round Table: half a family drowns in a cesspool in China trying to retrieve a lost cell phone, a man drives across the country with his dead girlfriend's corpse in the front seat, and an accused murderer has his too fat to murder defense struck down. Joining us today: Malachi Nimmons, Tim Warner, and Henry Zebrowski!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay out, gentlemen! And let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen.

Gentlemen of the round table! What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Bitch, you bitch. I'm sucking your dick, you fucking bitch. Holden? All right. Oh, we're doing...

All right, everybody, please close your eyes for a guided meditation. No! No! All right, open your eyes. Yeah, and sink it in there. Go, fucking big ass. Go fucking big ass. Go big ass.

Oh, suck it. You want me to lick on that? Can I leave? Break it. Oh, fuck you. I'm gonna fuck it. I can't get it big. I can't.

So this show is a forfeit? Yeah. I can't get it big. Oh, it's a burger. Yeah. I can't get it back. Oh, it's a burger. We'll be back with next week's episode next week. Let him finish. He's the only one who gets if he doesn't finish. He gets so angry if he doesn't finish.

Oh, it's growing now. It's growing. Get on it. Get on it. Oh, it's back to small. And welcome. Oh, my God. Welcome to the Lex on it. Oh, it's back to small. And welcome. Oh my god. Welcome to the Lexi experience.

Yes, that's his girlfriend for reference. It didn't get big but somehow the goo came out of it. Alright, and welcome to the ground table of gentlemen. That was not... It was supposed to be a prayer. It was a guided meditation. I brought you into my world for a second so the listeners want to hear that shit no they don't why they're listening to this shit in

the first place a fucking conundrum to me but either way man you know you got to bring them into my experience that's my dojo what you just heard was my secret sweaty dojo i'm sorry listeners that was that was something special they need to it. It's like bad news, man. It is like bad news. It was bad news. How do we continue the show? That's my question. How do we now?

I have to say welcome to the show. Okay. So that's how we'll forget about it. I'll give it a take two. Close your eyes for a guided meditation. Okay. Oh, fuck. Welcome to the Roundtable, gentlemen, everybody.

All right. Let's just go through the names. Forget that one of us is here. Yeah. All right. Welcome to the Roundtable. Who is here around the table? Jackie Z one of us is here. Yeah. Alright. Welcome to the round table. Who is here around the table? Jackie Zabrowski, man. I got

Jaeger in my pussy. You have Jaeger in your pussy. I am that sweaty, man. I am sweaty and I'm covered in fucking Jaeger, man. Yeah, you are. She's sweating brown. It's starting to get the sweaties in here, man. You guys ready to fucking sweat in here? All summer? You're somewhere between a pig and star anise.

What's a star anise? It's a spice. It's an idiot fucking spice, you piece of shit. You dumb Italian. What's wrong with you? That's a spice joke. No one likes spice jokes. You just bombed.

We'll just do an episode of Brighter Side, Eddie. Can I be your guest? Sounds great, man. Good God. Everyone likes to be positive. Hang in there. They do. On the brighter side of the show, Roundtable of gentlemen, you don't have to listen to it.

Yeah. All right. Well, Ed's here. Ed's here, and I'm not hiding Jews. No, sir. I am not doing it. They're not in here. Oh, I see.

So you are, but that was a good lie if a Nazi was at the door. All right. We know you're here. Coltonators, ho! Cut the ho! That's a crow, you fuckers, yeah. Any lovely Holdenator ladies out there, I just want to give a

ro-ro and a ooh-too to all of you, bitches. I'll fucking suck out of it and get it in it. So when you're thinking, you are completely allowed to masturbate to the opening prayer anytime you'd like. You can put it on repeat. So when you're thinking you are completely allowed to masturbate to the opening prayer anytime you'd like, you can put it on repeat. This has been an unlistenable show thus far.

Yeah. I'm trying to put together my virtual reality sex kit for all my whole Nader ladies out there where you can look at me and speak to me while you're getting your goose on. I don't know. Thank you for being my fan. That is disturbing. And I would never want to meet a woman that would ever listen to your voice

and ejaculate. Hominators hell. All right. Sitting in for Kevin Barnett, who is busy. He's at Governor's Ball. He's watching a concert. Good for him.

Yeah, he's busy. He's busy. And we got Malachi Nimmons from True TV. Thanks for being here, Malachi. Why did you have to say True TV? Because you're on True TV? That takes away so much credibility. No, that's the channel you're on. Kevin's also on True TV.

Did True TV send you here? No, he's from the new True TV. Also, if I'm a replacement for someone else on True TV, that's even worse. Like, yo, this person from True can't show up. Take his place. Who the fuck am I? Because I'm not doing shit. Fuck you, bandit. You're not a governor's ball

where Kevin is. Why am I getting yelled at? Man, True TV, that's on TV. You can just go to the channel. Nah, they don't have it anymore. Nobody actually knows if you can see it or not. People love it. They just send you a VHS tape in the mail if you send them a letter with

self-addressed. Yes, it's channel number XL... I don't know. It doesn't exist. It's not even real, man. That's what you gotta do. You gotta go to Comedy Central, punch yourself in the face for a good 10 minutes and it'll become True TV. It turns into True TV. Oh, I see. Okay, alright, but for real

guys, I am watching True TV. That's what I said! I gave you your credit. No, you can let Okay, all right, but for real, guys, I am on True TV. Stop that right there. All right. I came in. I came in. I came in your credit. No, you can let me make fun of myself, but you guys are going to get it. I just said you were credit. All right.

If I say I... You opened the door, buddy. No, if I say I'm a small dick, you can't say it's me saying it because I'm self-depreciating humor, man. Goddamn. You got a small dick. I don't get small dicks. Man, I just can't believe how tiny my little dick's dick is, man.

It doesn't matter because it's on True TV. Everyone on True TV has small dicks. Man, I just can't believe how tiny my little dick is. It doesn't matter because he's on TruTV. Everyone on TruTV has small dicks. Kevin's on TruTV. Oh, sure. Says the new face of slavery. Yes. I don't even know what the fuck that is. Mr. Slavery.

I don't know what that is. I have no idea what that is. All I know is. I can't wait for the t-shirts. Geeky Dad. Geeky Dad's got to start talking to his wife again. I don't know what's happening. Nice guy, though you very much all right tim warner you're here too yeah what i want to do for a true tv credit i know but you have a huge dog you have nothing

to introduce me with what i want to do yep uh and yeah thank god for your dojo because my dojo is nothing but panic attacks with the fact that I'm sober until I start drinking. So I'm so glad yours is some kind of sexual thing. You're going to die, but you're going to die in a house way. And you're just going to fall on the floor and have seizures and start bleeding cum out of your eyeballs because house would be able to fix that.

That's my dojo. And that's just the crib notes on my dojo. out of your eyeballs because House would be able to fix that. That's my dojo. That's just the crib notes on my dojo. Thank you for the orgy thing you had in the beginning. I cover my floors and all the walls in padding but then I douse all that padding in water so that when you

touch against it, it feels like a bunch of tongues on your body. Everything you say is worth nothing. Oh, is that what it is? Yeah. Hmm, isn't that something? Doctor says I'm going to start growing again. That's exciting. Sideways this time.

Henry Zebrowski is here. My question for the audience is who let those dogs into the house? Yeah! I swear to God. No, no, don't encourage this. Can you try?

Can you try just a little bit? Thank you, head of slavery, Ben Kissel. What is that nonsense? Henry, Henry, Henry. Who let the dogs in? Who let the dogs in? And now he's saluting Hitler. All right.

So, all right, all right. All right. I am Ben Kissel. Unelicitable Henry Zebrowski. Yeah, that's about accurate. All right, Marcus. Let's do a news story, please. God.

Before we get to the news, happy 200th episode, everyone. Whoa. Yeah. 200th episode. every... Whoa! 200 at the... Whole acquaintance we forgot never brought to home.

You have to know the song. Episodes. God damn it. 200 of them, man. I'm more upset than ever. She's a big old whore. She's a big dirty whore. And I eat all her pussy every day.

I like that one. Big old whore. Big old old whore. She's a big dirty whore. And I eat not her pussy every day. I like that one. Big old whore. Big old dirty whore. And I'm eating not her pussy. It's morning in the day. To the news. Yeah. That's good.

Please listen to me. Two people died in a cesspool after a woman dropped her brand new cell phone into a toilet. You got to stay away from these cesspools. You have to. Another three were injured in the incident in the Chinese city of Henan. The dead were reported to be the woman's husband and mother-in-law. The tragedy unfolded after the woman

dropped the $300 phone into the open pit toilet. Her husband's pit toilet. Isn't it just an open pit? They just called it a toilet, right? Once it gets filled with piss and shit, it's a toilet. Oh't it just an open pit? They just called it a toilet, right? Once it gets filled with piss and shit, it's a toilet. Her husband jumped in to retrieve the cell

but soon lost consciousness. Oh my God. Hey, please, hear me snore. Snore. Snore. Pee pee. I mean, just one dude down there living the fetish life, just loving every second of it, swimming in all the feces and shit.

Well, his mother then jumped in to save him. How big was this hole? It was huge. It was big enough where she too lost consciousness inside. And then in panic, the woman who dropped the phone jumped in as well. And she was also overcome by the fumes. What a fucking jerk off. She's like, I'll get your phone.

In total, six people were pulled from the cesspool. One said, the smell was too strong. I lost consciousness before I could see anything. So before they even hit the shit and piss, they pass out. Immediately, yeah. And a couple of them drowned to death in the poop and feces. The feces and urine of their neighbors. There's something very Pompeii about them. Pompeii. death in the poop and feces the feces and urine of their neighbors. I don't know.

I don't know. Poop pain. Poop in the dog's ass. Who did? The cat did. God damn it. I don't know. Who has to teach you not to jump into a goddamn hole after nobody responds when they jump in? What the fuck is wrong with Chinese people, man?

They're just acting on instinct. What I will say is they stick together as a group. That's why they're more successful than us. There's so many of them. No, they stick together because they're so physically disgusting that their skin literally sticks to each other. Chinese people are actually considered very attractive. What you didn't see is that inside of this cesspool, because they were all covered in liquid shit and piss,

is that they were in a wonderful pyramid acrobatic formation. That's very interesting. So two died in poo-poo, huh? Yeah, the old lady, right? Yeah, the old lady, the husband. But the wife made it. The chick who dropped the phone made it out alive. How old poo The old lady right The old lady the husband But the wife made it the chick who dropped the phone Made it out alive How old was the old lady

I don't know it just says old lady It was the woman's husband You died drowning in shit Because your son is too stupid to know Not to jump in a giant lake of shit The other thing is what people don't know about Is I think now this article brings to light The unknown danger

of the Chinese poo-poo shark. Do you feel like the Chinese poo-poo shark is to blame? Yes. But I also think it brings to light a good 75 volumes of a good German porn film. Oh yeah.

Oh my god. Zest Pool 1. Zest Pool 2. That sounds like a fucking, my God. Sesspool 1. Sesspool 2. That sounds like a fucking German gangbang. It does. I've watched it. It's hot stuff. I've lived it, for Christ's sake. Actually, Asmodeus' Sesspool Volume 1 already exists.

They knew they were going to make a second one. So these people are arrogant. That's great. Oh, yeah. It is. Oh, Marcus, we know what this is going to look like. Don't bother with it. We don't know what it's going to look like.

Sesspool has a lot of meanings. No, it has one. I mean, it does have a couple of meanings. It's never. It's women pissing. It's women pissing all over other women. Maybe it's a story. Oh, this is actually normal.

That's fine. I like that stuff. And then. No, that's straight on piss. Yeah. That's just really... It's like a fucking... The world's worst water fountain.

It is a torrent of water coming out of a woman's pussy that's... I don't think this is that bad. It's like if a WNBA player was a water fountain. This is just porno. I don't want to watch this. Get it out of there. Honestly, that's fairly innocent, though.

That's an easy job for them to do. That's fucking disgusting. No, it's not, Eddie. You can take a shower now and again. My God. They drink a shit ton of water, right? They drink a lot of water. Yeah, that was pretty clear.

It's kind of only gross if it happens to you. I mean, it's good stuff. If you're watching someone else, it's like, it's not your dime that you're losing. I don't know. Watching someone drink piss. You're wearing two sleeveless shirts right now. Yes, I am. It's bizarre to make two wrong decisions.

I am, and I'm comfortable with it. Two wrong choices. By the way, there are three volumes of Asmodeus Successful. So these people just, everyone in this small town shit in the same hole? Is that the deal? It's just sort of like a Union Square type thing? They call it an open air toilet pit. An open air toilet pit?

Well, actually, they call it an open pit toilet. Oh, yeah. I mean, I got a picture of it right here. I would love to see it, actually, now that I think about it. Oh, all right. So it's actually kind of a smaller hole than I was imagining. Is he crying or laughing? He's crying so hard.

I'm so afraid of holes. I can't say. You've rose-pwned down there. It's there. I would agree. If the phone falls in the open-air toilet pit, yeah, that's where it lives. By the way, it's probably dead anyways on fucking empty. No, no.

You put it in rice? You put it in rice and one thing that China has. All right. Take it easy. We have a lot of words. It's too easy, Henry. What's wrong with you? Even if an iPhone falls in there, doesn't your kid work for 25 cents to make one?

That's why three of them work. Come on, steal one. Sink who? Lose his hands if he does, though. to make a... That's why three of them work. Come on, steal one. Shing-hoo. Lose his hands if he does, though. Yeah, $300 iPhone. That's an expensive phone for them, though. How many Chinese dollars is that? Or yen?

What the fuck do they use? Egg lures? What are they... What's their currency? Yeah, I think it is eggs. Yeah. Right, if it was, that'd be rich as hell.

Each person keeps a... How many... The man who has the most chickens is the richest man in the village. It's the Yuan. The Juan. The Juan? The Juan.

They traded Mexicans? They're not the biggest time. That is 1,876 yuan. That's a lot. That's a lot. And it took a lot of Chinese people to make it as well. How are they going to take revenge on this giant toilet? I guess you just... I mean, what else could you do to it? It looks like they're just... You turned it into a lot. And it took a lot of Chinese people to make it as well. How are they going to take revenge on this giant toilet? I guess you just...

I mean, what else could you do to it? You turn it into a school. Yeah. Looks like they're just standing next to it and crying. Yeah, I think they're real sad now. I think it becomes a morning pit. Yeah. And then you just sort of don't piss and shit in it for a couple of days.

Is that their tower one? Yeah. It was an inside job. It literally was. No, man. That's their building seven? Yeah. It was an inside job. It literally was, yeah. No, man, that's their building seven. Yeah.

Building number two went down. Oh, my goodness. Every time I take a big dump, I'm going to call building number two. And I'm flushing her down. That's amazing.

I'm going to the 9-11 memorial this week. Oh, that'll be great. My mom asked me. Oh, yeah. Yeah, she's going to bring a barrel of laughs. That's going to be fun.

It's going to be a lot of fun. I'll bring an inner tube. What's that? For the lake. You're going to be Oh, yeah. Barrel of laughs. It's going to be a lot of fun. I'm bringing an inner tube. What's that? For the lake. You're going to be rude. I see, Eddie. You should go around and be like, you guys got funnel cakes? I'm here for the funnel cakes. Where are the rides? I'm definitely getting a hot dog. I want to eat a meal.

Well, you should. Yeah, you got to. I mean, for sure. Why not? I would be upset if I knew that I died in 9-11 and Ed Larson and his mother went there to visit my grave. You know, just there for the cheese plate that they're selling at the gift shop. Who did this? Tell me who did it.

You should start grabbing security guards and demanding answers. That would be awesome, Eddie. All right. So everybody died here. Yep. Well, two people died. Four people survived. This is one of the worst ways to go, I guess.

I mean, I suppose. No, it's the worst way to survive. Yeah. Yeah, you think so? I'd hate to be the four people that survived and have to be able to know that story. Yeah. They're very sick. Yeah.

After five people went down, though, the sixth guy, how long do you think? He waited a while before he went in. I would not have gone in. I would say that I'm not a hero. Do they not have a rope? Can't they just throw down a rope? A rope is expensive. A rope is expensive. Probably as expensive as that phone. I do feel like if you're going to have a cesspool poo-poo hole,

you should have some sort of emergency ladder inside of the poo-poo hole. I agree. But they don't have safety regulations. Or a rope to hold safety regulations. Or they probably didn't think people would be stupid enough to jump in a fucking goddamn cesspool. Well, she just dropped the phone in. If it's full of shit.

If it's called a cesspool. You think that people would just be like, you stay away from it. Well, you gotta take a dump in it, though. And then she had her phone in her back pocket. I mean, it happens all the time. They did have to put up that sign of just being like no bananas around the pool. Because if you left banana peels around, it'd be like.

Slipped in the cesspool. It happens all the time. You know how deep it was in there? Knee deep. No. That's how fucking strong it was. The smell was so bad they passed out and fucking drowned.

Well, it's all the... What's the thing from the poo-poo? Ammonia? Is it ammonia? It could be nitrogen. I like to call it the sleepy-go-night-night gas. Yeah, and a bunch of dung comes out. Methane. Methane. Methane from poo-poo.

So was she on her phone, I guess, just being like, hey, what are you doing, Wendy? And she's like, taking a dump in the cesspool pool. Yeah, what are you up to? Oh, no! Oh, man. Villagers said the dead victims had pulses after being pulled out, but the ambulance did not arrive for more than an hour.

Oh, my. So they were alive? They died on the street covered in dookie? Move to illustrious Hunan, China. Enjoy the riverbanks next to our cesspools. It's so sad. The problem is also

the ambulances are also pizza delivery services, but because people don't know what pizza is in China, they very rarely get deliveries,

and they only go out and save people if they also have deliveries on the route. So hold on, if you gotta go to the bathroom in this town you gotta run to the middle of the city? I'm sure they have cesspools every couple blocks.

They don't have ambulances on bicycles? I don't know. Why don't they just wash off the people who are covered in all the... Get these people some buckets! Yeah, something. Are you gonna give CPR, like, mouth-to-mouth to a person? Absolutely not.

That's a lump of shit. I guarantee you there was somebody in that town who would have jumped at the chance. There's somebody everywhere. Do they never empty out the cesspool? But you can't cipher it out, maybe? Oh, it is, too. But it's like,

so how do you know that the cesspool is done? Do you wait for fucking shit and piss your shit to the top of the level? And then you're like, oh, cesspool done. We got to, oh, give it up. Yeah, it's like Woodstock 99. That's how they knew to change the toilets. Poo-poo was coming up through the fucking lid.

Yeah. And Fred Durst lit them on fire. That was it. That was the whole Limp Bizkit act. Fred Durst is doing great in China. Oh, he's loving everything. Probably down in that cesspit putting on a concert for free. Well, do we want to stay in China for our

next story? Sure. Got it. Then we're never coming back. Well, you know what it is. It's also monkey news. Get that monkey out of China. A mother watched in horror as a monkey tore off one of her eight-month-old baby's testicles at a Chinese zoo before running off and eating it.

I heard about this. Good story. Oh, yeah. The mother was changing the infant's dirty nappy when the animals attacked, ripping off the testicle before dropping it to the ground. An old man reportedly picked it up, but a monkey then snatched it out of his hand before scampering

away and eating it. They're quick and they know it when opportunity strikes. I know. I can't believe he grabbed it from the old scampering away and eating it. They know it when opportunity strikes. I know. I can't believe he grabbed it from the old man just before he ate it. That old man's gonna be watching that as baby's fucking nuts for a long time. I got it. I got it. Oh no.

Is this kid still alive? He's still alive. Yeah, kids are just one testicle less. He is gonna get so much fucking pussy. No. Because he's that guy. Monkey nut? Just one testicle less. He is going to get so much fucking pussy. No. The one nutted boy. Because he's that guy. Monkey nut? He took my nut.

Monkey nut boy? He took my nut. Oh, Tim. No, there is no way. Who else in the bar is going to have that story? Did you go to any sort of schooling whatsoever? Monkey nut boy doesn't get pussy. I bet you he does.

No way. I bet he gets hit with bananas. Constantly. They constantly throw little balls at him, too. Be like, you want another nut? You know, constantly throwing almonds at his face. Yeah, he has a panic attack every time he watches Curious George. Oh, of course.

Oh, man. Monkey numbers at the open zoo have reportedly exploded from around 70 to 500 in recent years with a situation now apparently out of control. This isn't a zoo. They should start killing the girls like they years with the situation now apparently out of control. This isn't a zoo. They should start killing the girls like they do with the humans. Yeah, but the monkeys, no, they're off limits.

Yeah, but also, you shouldn't change your fucking child in public like that. That's what you get. You're in the middle of a fucking monkey zoo. Yeah. What are you,

changing a diaper in the middle of fucking the woods? Go into a fucking cesspool fucking hole. Change it down there. What'd you do last night? Dangles little balls over that.

Fuck Todd? Remember that kid that lost a nut at the zoo? That's who I fucked last night. This is your fantasy. You're the only one who has a one nut fantasy. I'm telling you, people with... But that's bad. No one wants to talk about fucking monkey nut.

I would probably talk about fucking monkey nut. One testicle smashing a clit doggy style compared to two would hit better than two going to the side. You should trick women. Tell them you lost a nut and then when they see two,

you'd be like, oh, I used to have three. And the best part is there's no way I can lie about that. There is prosthetic nuts that you can put in. For people who have

prostate cancer, you can put a prosthetic nut and the best part is the best part of dating a guy with one nut is that what you can do is you've got one nut prostate cancer you can put in prosthetic nut and the best part is is that the best about dating a guy with one nut is that what you do is you've got one nut

right you put a little compartment in there special day with your lady you guys go out to Rome you have a nice day in Europe you know

you take it out you be like hey baby look at these pull out your fucking sack of nuts right and she thinks

you got two real nuts right you zip open your fucking nut sack and you take out the fake nut pop it open got an

engagement ring damn italy is so nice i would like it it was amazing i never thought of that oh man i'm gonna put it around a hot dog and let her eat her way to it but that's hot stuff there you know reports of these monkeys monthly reports of these monkeys, monthly reports of these monkeys, it says that incidents in which monkeys attack humans run in the hundreds. Maybe they should be giving people bats

before they walk in here. Bats? Or, like, it's not a zoo. They just have the monkeys running around, right? Yeah, it's open. Zoo is open air. Yeah, zoo implies some structure, and like, you know, a place where you go and look at monkeys through glass. I mean, this is just the forest.

What you got to do is train monkeys to hate other monkeys so that some monkeys go and fight some of the other fucking monkeys. I think monkeys already fight other monkeys. That's probably what happened. This guy was probably upset because he lost a monkey fight and had to go rip a testicle off an eight-year-old boy. I'm showing a video right now which I'll post on the Facebook page. This is all of the monkeys that are just running wild in this open-air zoo. I'd be screaming if I saw one.

Get away from them, you idiot fucking... They're all around, Jackie. The monkeys are all around. Don't go to the open-air park. I agree. It's covered in monkeys. I don't think the park should exist. Yeah.

It's not a park. No. It's not a park. What. It's not a park. What are you going to do, though? Are you just going to wall it off? You're just going to fucking wall off the entire thing in cinder blocks and not let people in anymore? Make it a zoo. Monkey call.

Every once in a while, you should go and kill like 50 monkeys. I mean, let's go. We do the same thing back home with deer. When you get too many deer, they start fucking up all of your weed crop. You go in, you get a license from the game warden, and you're allowed to go in and kill as many deer as you want.

Game warden. But on the flip side of that, maybe the monkeys saw that there's a lot of Asians and they're just trying to make his chances of making more Asians 50% less.

Asian call. Yeah, I think that's what's going on. They're switching it up on the Asians. It's because the monkeys have control. Monkeys are more important than people in China. Yeah, I think that's what's going on. They're switching it up on the Asians. It's because the monkeys have control. Monkeys are more important than people in China. Yeah, man. These monkeys are like Indians, and the Chinese are like white people.

It's a U.S. governmental conspiracy to control the Chinese population. You do it one monkey at a time. You can still come, though, if you have one nut. Rip it out testicle. Yeah, but you have 50% less sperm coming out though That's okay You just gotta have the one that does it There's gotta be a money one

That's a little bit more productive than the other I think the right nut That's why you could say I could give my left nut Because your left nut's like useless The right nut's the one that's got all the gobo juice I feel like my right one's dead Well that's just your problem, man. You have a huge set of nuts on you, Eddie.

A monkey would love to eat that thing. I don't think it could handle my shit. I could choke on it. Somebody recently told me, recently like yesterday, told me that the reason you have like your nuts are uneven is so they don't bang against each other when you walk. Yes. How did I not know that? God made everything right with his perfect

plan. Yes, he spends a lot of time on the nuts. Not just right. One hangs a little bit lower than the other one generally and it's a lot to do with also the way that they heat up and cool down.

The reason why your sack contracts when it's cold is because it's trying to keep your boys warm and when it gets all loosey-goosey in the summertime it's because it's trying

to air it out. Why do you know so much about nuts? This is the one part it's because it's trying to air it out. Why do you know so much about nuts? This is the one part of sex ed I paid attention to. Nuts. I wanted to know about some balls. What happens when the nuts go, skleem, skleem?

The nuts, can they talk to you when you get older? Holden, please see the principal. Show him to me, teacher. Show me yours. I'm a female. I need you to Mr. McNeely hold it. I'm going to find him. I'm going to find all the girls balls in this whole school

and then I'm going to burn it down. That's why the school still stands today. The dumb boy was looking for balls on all the girls. Couldn't find the nuts. Thought they were in their ass. But it turns out there's nothing in there but, you know, colon. More ass. Yeah, more ass.

You should be in prison. You literally should be in prison. I found that ass, though. Hell yeah. Good for you, buddy. That's good that he knows about sex ed and that he had sex ed in school. I went to a Christian school and he just told us no. And that's why the first person I fucked was a tranny in a bus station. Really?

No, that's not true. Oh, okay. I was really excited for that story. Were you really? Do you want me to make it up? Yeah, make it up. How was the tranny? How many nuts did the tranny have?

Yeah, so I was working at this parking garage, right? It was the first job I ever had. I was 16 years old. I believe that. And I was going home. It was in Chicago. I was going home from work. I got to the bus station.

I missed the last bus. I'm like, fuck, I missed the last bus. And then someone came up and asked me for some change. Now, is this real? I told you I was going to make the story up. It sounds real, though. Really real. I got to the bus station.

I got a story about a trainee billing me for 40 bucks. Well, hold on, Tim. We have to get to Malachi's true story first. So I had a pocket full of change because I switched out $10 for a roll of quarters When I was at work And I had that in my pocket And the train was like do you have some change And I was like no I don't have any change

And the train was like I hear it in your pocket And it grabbed the change in my pocket And it got hard because I was 16 and it always was And then there was nobody around I looked left and right in the train And then I gave the train half of the change in my pocket and then walked home. That's a great story. It is a good story. It's not a true story. It's a true story

because you're on True TV and you would never lie. You get on True TV by lying. By saying, you get on True TV by saying I have no shame. I'm a man. I'm a good actor. That's how you get on True TV. True TV's Malachi Nimmin's got blown by a train.

I just want to cut that story out of the audio and just put it around different places and just be like, you know, like Malachi's brave story of the first time he slept in a train. Malachi went to a bus station. You won't believe what happened next. Yo, it's some good BuzzFeed shit. Oh my goodness. Tim, you got blown by a tranny, huh? 40 bucks you gave her. 40 bucks. How was it? Yeah, it was

Suck dick like a man? It was way better than I wanted it to be. Oh, God. It was just a simple, I'm walking home and there's I don't know she i'm gonna say she because it makes me feel better yeah yeah she comes around the corner and it was just a fucking heart upside down ass you know what i mean like oh my god and it shook so well and she had uh black and white

uh stripe like uh spandex so the shift of the black and white stripes. Yeah. And then you paid him $40 to blow you. It was hypnotic. Yeah. That was awesome. So this was just a guy in a three-piece suit, in a striped suit.

Sounds like you're talking about like a pit strip, like a businessman. Yeah. Was it a Yankee? Was it a New York Yankee? Was it Jabba Chamberlain? Yeah. I didn't. like a pitch trip, like a businessman. Was it a Yankee? Was it a New York Yankee? Was it Jabba Chamberlain? At that moment, I didn't realize it.

Then I did the speed up to figure out what's going on with this. Then I figured out as I walked by it, fuck, this is a dude. Then the dude started talking to me and I was drunk enough to rebuttal. And so, yeah, there was a big talk down.

I mean, what the talk down? This wasn't last week, was it? No, no, no, no, no, no. This was a couple years ago. But did you suck his dick? No, no, no, no. The guy was out of money. Who's working? Who's the whore in the story? No, no, no, no. The guy was out of money. Who's working?

Who's the whore in the story? Oh, me, obviously. But I did hate the fact that she told me it was nine inches because it was unnecessary information at the time. Oh, she was like, oh, I'm packing meat. And it was like, no, I'll take a blowjob for the story since you're offering it for 40 bucks. And I happen to have 40 bucks in my pocket. Did you come?

No. Well, then it doesn't count. I don't know about that. I think it counts. It counts. It counts. I think you got to finish. Otherwise, it's nothing.

You wasted your money. No, I didn't. I titty I think you got to finish. Otherwise, it's nothing. You wasted your money. No, I didn't. I titty fucked too. Oh, okay. That's a man. No, but it was like a team 1,000. You know what I mean? It wasn't like a Terminator.

It was, I don't know. It morphed to what you wanted. I was blown away. Well, at that shirt. Of course, yes, you were blown away. But at that time, I just, I that, sure. Of course, yes, you were blown away. But at that time, I just... You let the dogs into the house. I like the idea of this is my place.

I have a key. You brought her to your house? No, not my place. It was her place. Just happened to be in front of her place. That's where she started negotiating. You were hammered, too, though. That's the whole thing.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But that... All right. But she started a negotiation and then was like, this is my though. That's the whole thing. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But that, all right. But she started a negotiation and then was like, this is my place. I got the key. We can go in.

I didn't go to her place, but we went into the fucking hallway. You know how apartments are. You negotiated your way into the hallway? Yeah. You're like Obama, not a very good negotiator. What do I expect?

Five Gitmo detainees. What am I going to expect? Into the house. Into the house. Like, come on. Yeah, bring her. If you're in her apartment building for $40, I would definitely go up to the apartment building.

No, I don't know what's up there. I don't know her roommates. I don't know the situation. Are you kidding me? No. So it blew you in the hallway? Yes. Cool.

Yeah. Did anyone walk out? Did someone do laundry? No, no, no, no. What time was this? Unfortunately. 4.30, 5 o, no, no. What time was this? Unfortunately. 4.30, 5 o'clock-ish. What neighborhood?

Chinatown-ish. Oh, Chinatown. Yeah, Chinatown. Oh, it was around here, huh? Well, we got a lot of gay people on today's show. I did not know that. Wait, who are the gay? What do you mean a lot of gay people?

Who are the other ones? Yeah. You're not gay. Malachi? Nimmin's is a homosexual. Telling a fake story. Telling a fake story doesn't make you gay. And Tim Warner also.

No, telling a fake story doesn't make you gay. That's not a problem, Kissel. No, it's not a problem. I just did not. I think it's just called getting drip dried, man. Yeah, that doesn't make you gay. I'll have you know that last night I suffered through a girl touching my penis. Because would you say that gay people are the new slaves

yeah so you're the head of the gay people are you the king of gay people I am the head of gays so you're the king of gay slavery and I'm allowed to anoint my gay sense is I feel like I'm surrounded by them right now so you are gay as well

I am that's absolutely incredible I'm surrounded by them right now. So you are gay as well? I am. That's absolutely incredible. I'm proud of you. Thank you. I'm coming out. I'm proud of all you guys. Tim Warner, Malachi Nimmons, and Ben Kissel.

My mother called it. Yep, the three gayest people ever. All right. I'm the one Maura said it to me years ago. Oh, your ex-girlfriend. Oh, you're bringing up my ex-girlfriend from three years ago. I broke his heart? She didn't break my heart. We had a mutual breakup.

What's wrong with you? Oh, we'll move on. Are you kidding me? How the hell do you want to move on? I've been wanting to move on for a long time. I don't know. No, Marcus. Do the news.

Funny thing, that moving on. It's a tough thing to do. All right. Hold it as a shut up. Unlistenable episode. Head of gay slavery, Ben Kisly. I don't even know where this started. With you, Ben.

You did it. It's gay-very. Yay! Yay! You're a gay master. Head of gay-very. Head of gay-very. Head of gay-very. But Henry, who let the dogs into the house? I did. The cat did.

The cat did. All right. We're pulling a Kissel over here. I know it. Yeah. Gavery. All right, Mark. I hope y'all picked a lot of cotton over there.

How many pounds of cotton can you hold up on your dick? We're about to find out. Hey, Tim, can't wait to have you on the show, man. You're going to fit right in, dude. So great to have you on. It is nice to have you on the show. That was a great story. I'm glad you told it.

Yeah, me too. I feel like we're closer now. It's just too bad your story was a lie. Malachi was telling the truth over here. We usually like for our participants to be honest, but that's okay. We'll give you a pass. I told you my story was a lie. That's what one would say.

I just switched it out with Tranny. It was sort of a true story, but that's not for right now. All right. I'm the dog. I let myself out. I used my paws over the door. All right. This is not happening.

I used my paws over the door. I'm sleeping. I'm in a nightmare. This is a true nightmare. I learned it when I was watching Jurassic Park. I saw the raptors do it. I saw the fucking raptors open the door. I figured I'd use my pulse to open the damn door.

Marcus, just do a news story for a second. I can't. I'm like, I'm sorry. All right. All right. Next news story. A gang member being charged in the 2013 shooting death of a preteen girl argued that he was too fat to stop a friend from firing into a crowd.

But in closing arguments of the murder conspiracy trial, the prosecution showed a video that they hoped proved otherwise. WCVB in Boston reported that the tape showed Louis Fatboy Gonzalez who weighed 570 pounds at the time, dancing. The report...

The stenographer, he reported that everyone laughed and laughed and laughed. I just want to say, though, you might be too fat for some of these, but you're never too fat to dance. That's true. Oh, yeah. He specializes in the real slow worm. Hello. The report said prosecutors... The report said prosecutors believe the tape proves the gang member was fully capable of moving quickly enough to stop fellow gang member Brandon Castro

from firing into a crowd at a Rhode Island graduation party last June, killing 12-year-old Anus Vargas Felix. Anus? Anus Felix? Anus Felix. She's dead and 12. Does it matter?

She didn't have a chance. Her name was Anus. Anus is not that much better. It's spelled A-Y-N-I-S. Anus. No, it's Anus. It's Anus. How is it spelled? A-Y-N-I-S.

Anise. I'm sure it's Anise. Anise. It looks like Anus. They didn't think about it, though. Hey, guys, I wasn't dancing in that video. I was just trying to get out of bed. I wish everybody would leave me alone.

Come on, y'all. I'm trying to get out of bed. I like that voice, Fatboy. You have a nice voice. Everybody has a fat person voice. My fat person voice... I mean, I'm a fat person, but my voice for a person much fatter than me is like oh yeah I'll

start a dance ball we see is that Ed Ed that's my fat person voice This is mine Alright hello There it is it's the same voice Thanks Malachi I know you have good taste in men And I'll take your compliments I know

That's what I'm saying I wish I could have saved your earnest But well My pants too big. Your pants were never too big. Fat boy, what size pants do you wear? It's size the world. Oh, no, Henry.

No, no, no. I let the dogs into silence. Now it's five minutes to silence. Henry gets, I did it. I let the dogs. Can we mourn the comedy of Henry? It is. Who let the jokes out?

Do you guys want to see a picture of Fatboy Gonzalez? Oh, he's not that fat. Oh, he is that fat. He is fat, fat. He ain't 5'70 fat. I could see him dancing. I could definitely see him. I could see him dancing.

That's the guy that could have saved Hiroshima. I bet he was jiggling just walking down the street. Dancing. His neck goes right into his stomach, man. There's like nothing else there. That's a fat motherfucker. He would not have been able to rescue that cell phone. I'll tell you that.

He would have just been stuck in the fat pit. No, he never would have got in there. He would have been the only one who was safe. The only one. But they all would have been stuck in there. And then he would have probably shat. No, no, not have got in there. He would have been the only one who was safe. The only one. But they all would have been stuck in there. And then he would have probably shat. No, no, not more. Not more.

Oh, no. One more fart of methane. We defeat me. Come into the hole. This is poo. You was like, Eclipse. Rob, you can't look at a directory. Special sandwich.

Yeah, you get a special poo-poo sandwich. That's not good. Nobody wants it. God, his gang has the pussiest name ever. The Harriet Street Gang. Oh, what? What? Bad boy from the Harriet Street Gang killed a girl named Anus?

That's not a real story. Seems like this gang was a part of the fucking gavery clan. Yeah, all right. Oh, man. Gay. Wait, is it after? This is very important. Is it after Harriet Tubman or Harriet the Spy?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know what Harriet Street was named after. Possibly Harriet Street in Boston. What do you think? That's a bitch-ass name, though. That's a bitch-ass name. Oh, yeah. The Harriet Street gang.. What do you think? That's a bitch ass name though. That's a bitch ass name. Oh yeah. The Harriet Street gang. Hello.

Hello. And they're all just fat boys all big and things. Yeah but what they need to do is determine whether or not like how hard he was dancing and shit because if you dance hard

like you can't run after that. You gotta take a break after everything. Yeah. I take a lot of breaks. The dancing video is from a different time. They looked on YouTube.

They were trying to dig up dirt on fat boy. They found the dancing video. The prosecution said you know They looked on YouTube. They were trying to dig up dirt on Fatboy. They found the dancing video. The prosecution said, you know what? That guy, he's dancing like that. He can move fat enough to stop a man from shooting a little girl. You said he can move fat enough. Fast stuff.

I want to watch him dance though. I've thrown some chicken wings on the ground. I've been trying to find the video. Can't find it. I'll look harder though. Yeah, where's his video? I've thrown some chicken wings on the ground. I've been trying to find the video. Can't find it. I'll look harder, though. So he's going to be charged with murder now, though. Conspiracy. Conspiracy.

Very interesting. What, because he sat there while someone else fired a gun next to him? Yeah, you can't do that. He's in the gang. Yeah, he's in the gang. Jackie, what are you clacking about? Oh, I got my hands between my thighs and I'm hitting them together. It sounds like fucking balls. Marcus, is that picking up on the show?

Absolutely. Why are you doing it? That's great. I mean, I like it. The dogs are in the house. They are on the couch in the living room. Henry, let me have some. You're saying the dogs, nobody let them out.

They are just safely inside. They have been in the home. It's all a conspiracy. Who let the dogs on the couch them out. They are just safely inside. They have been in the home. Who let the dogs on the couch? They're different dogs are outside than the dogs in the house. There are dogs playing poker in the goddamn dining room. I've seen that picture. What happened? Where am I right now?

Fucking milk bones in the fridge. I don't know. I'm confused. All right, next news story. A Detroit man said love drove him to road trip across the country with his girlfriend's corpse in the passenger seat. I heard about this story. Say that again real quick.

A Detroit man said love drove him to road trip across the country with his girlfriend's corpse in the passenger seat of his conversion van. So did he just put glasses on her or something? Oh, man. Ray Tomlinson arrived in Michigan Monday night after driving from Arizona with his 93-year-old mother and 31-year-old girlfriend. But the 31-year-old woman, but the 31-year-old woman died during the trip, determined not to leave her body alone. At least she finally shut up.

That's right. Determined not to leave her body alone in a hospital and convinced he had 48 hours to report the death, Tomlinson decided to keep on driving and get her home to Michigan. He said, I cared too much for her. At least he didn't kill his mother. He did not, and at least his mother

was down for it. I used to love her, but I had to kill her. Police have not determined the cause of death yet. Boredom was the cause of death. Yeah, it's a long drive. They said it could have been a drug overdose because

she was found with an empty bottle of Oxy. Oh, right. Yeah. So what are you supposed to do if a chick dies in your car? You're supposed to pull over. You're supposed to go to the hospital and turn that over to a coroner's office. No, no, no, no.

You ignore it. Yeah, you could also do that. The 62-year-old man said he met the woman who was homeless last year while she waited for her boyfriend to get out of prison. Oh, cool. Well, this is a real cute story. So it's a 91-year-old woman, a 62-year-old dude, and a 31-year-old drug addict.

A 93-year-old mother, 62-year-old man, and his 31-year-old oxy homeless girlfriend. He helped her get back on her feet, though, and let her stay with him. Then Tomlinson went to Arizona with his mom for the winter. She met them there. They became a couple. And the woman

was hospitalized nine times in Arizona for mental health and drug problems. The two left for Michigan with Tomlinson's mother after the woman was released from a facility with several drug prescriptions, including one for OxyContin. They released her from a drug rehab place with a bunch of drugs? Yes, yes.

She was able to get some. Then somewhere in Oklahoma or Texas, the woman died. It's kind of like that movie Due Date. A little bit. And by the time the driver made it to Michigan, the body had become to decompose quite a bit. So how many days did it take him to get to Michigan from Texas? Two. Two days with the body. That must have smelled sort of bad.

It must have smelled really bad. Yeah, and that hot car. Well, I mean, it's springtime so we have that going for him. What do I do? My girlfriend's dead. What do I do, Ma? You just keep driving, son! Was he still fucking her while she was dead? They don't include that

detail, Ma. I bet he was, though. He got a man. Oh, come on. We'll take a... This guy's a sweet boy. Look at him. Oh he's a pedophile. He looks like Billy Bob Thornton. He was fucking the shit out of us. He was 31 years old. She was a homeless

oxy. She's probably dyslexic. Do we have a picture of the gal? Do we have a picture of the gal? We do not. She was never photographed. In today's technological age, they didn't take an Instagram of the road trip after day four with the dead girl.

They should have. Man, I don't even know her name. Why are we putting labels on this bitch just because she's homeless, though? I agree. We don't fucking judge her like that. I mean, we're not judging. I mean, we're merely stating the fact that the woman...

It's if she had one hand, we'd say the one-handed chick, you know. The woman had no fixed address. Are they homeless if they die in a van? They had a home. And it was a conversion van as well. Which is nice. That changes everything. So you could put her in the back.

I mean, she was relatively comfortable. No, they kept her in the passenger seat. Here's the van right here. So is he in jail now, or what's the deal? No, he's not being charged with anything. Really? Because she was homeless. She doesn't count as a human being. And she was addicted to shit. Fuck you. Yeah, he didn't kill her. He just

mismanaged the, you know. He misunderstood the law. He thought that you could go 48 hours without reporting somebody's death. Well, that's very fucking specific. No, no. It is a specific law, but this is kind of nice of him to do. She was from Michigan, right? Great.

He had the best of intentions. So this is a good lesson to learn. If she dies... Pretend she didn't exist, which she never really did because she's never been photographed or had a name. Yes.

Oh! That's not bad. Also, keep your pussy under control, man. Listen to rap music. Make sure she doesn't take too much drugs You can keep fucking her man You know what's really good about keeping a woman aware Is books on tape

Yeah Yeah Awake I mean make sure she's not dead Yeah You have to do something like a Dave Barry So you get a couple of laughs in there And so if she's not laughing

But she's learning too Yeah Man I fucking hate dead women I do too I like them to be alive much more, especially if they're in my car. Hey baby, you having a good time? Well, it must be because mother's here. She doesn't want to

show her real personality. So, I'll let her sleep. You know, I'd love to see how someone could find a way to be offended by the sentence, I hate dead women. There's a listener out there. There's a listener out there. There's a person out there somewhere that's trying to like, but I don't know.

But, oh, so you don't like Eleanor Roosevelt? That is sad. Very sexist, Eddie. Yeah, fuck her. If she was alive, she'd be better. Yeah, I agree. All right, well, now you've redeemed yourself. That is true.

Yeah, there we go. She ain't helping no one now. She's not. No, she would have helped no one else. Unreasonably mad. Fucking dead-ass woman that she is. She is officially gone due to old age. Really just beating this woman to death here.

Woman being the joke. Yep. Here you go, Tim. Well, we've got one more story before we get to the segment for today. Has this episode been two hours long? Yeah. There is a lot of heat in the room.

I feel like I've lost eight pounds. I got cramps. Alright, next story. Last story. Authorities in San Francisco say their hands are tied when it comes to stopping a woman who has been breeding hundreds of rats in her home and then releasing them into public parks.

Oh, she's just the rat queen. Does she fuck them? Once again, not included in the story. That's detail. You can fuck a rat and put some cheese in you, pussy. I feel like in every story told, they should be like, and they didn't fuck him. It should just be in there somewhere.

Just so we know. I didn't clarify. No doubt about that. Police say when they last checked in on the woman's room at a residential hotel, she was living with 300 rats in deplorable conditions. Animal care and control captain Denise Bongiovanni said, we found a small room that was completely infested with rats

that had actually burrowed into the walls and gone into other units as well. But that's what rats do. It wasn't deplorable conditions for rats. No, they were fine. Yeah, the rats were loving it. Great. The woman's social worker says the woman has a mental health issue and has been breeding rats since 2011. No way she's got

problems? No way. She could sell them as pocket pussies to homeless men. I feel like a rat would be a perfect thing to slice open and fuck. Two nickels for pocket pussies. Yeah, pocket pussies.

You know, I just been fucking tailpipes the cars. That's a great fucking deal to me. Let me stop raping. There's no more rape. I think fish would be better. Fish? Fish to bony. To bony.

And then you cut yourself. You cut yourself on their scales and stuff. I don't know. The element of danger. You know what I would do? Where are you getting fish in New York, man? Just take the rats. They're all over the place.

Yeah, that's true. Honestly, what you do- An abundance of pocket pussies. You go into a butcher. You steal a fucking freshly made roast beef, right? And then you hide it behind a hospital and slid in. You fuck that. But then do you eat it afterwards?

Yeah. You have to. The parts that doesn't have your fucking cum over it. Yeah, you just cut the cum out. No, no, no. Cum is like horse rat. Why are you cumming on it in the first place? Because you're finishing inside it.

What are you going to be like? You're going to be like, oh, I can't fucking finish inside this thing? And you don't cut off the cum parts. You rinse the cum off. Yeah. Working on a budget. And you put more spices on it. No, the problem is that we got these fucking movies, these Disney movies with like Stuart

Little and giving these rats personalities and voices. Rat tattoo-y. Right, and there's some crazy ass people see this shit and think it's real. You need to stop that shit, man. Treat animals like animals and rats like rats. Yes, all vermin. Fuck this shit, man. I want to see a Disney movie where they just put a bunch of rats in a big fucking paper bag and just slam them against the dumpster until they're all fucking dead.

I want to see a Disney movie where there's a bunch of Chinese people drowning in a fucking river of shit. Yeah. Yeah. Yes, all Asians. But the one that gets to marry the prince. Still has Donny Osmond in it, though. Poulon. That's another one.

Boy, that one only took you 56 minutes. I'm going to jump into this ass pool to save my phone. Hey, Peran, can you breathe? I rushed my phone in the river. I'm a talking raccoon. I need to help you. They don't have raccoons in China, though. They do.

Oh, they got plenty of... You ever heard of Pocky Raccoon? Oh, yeah, I have. Pocky Pocky Raccoon? Oh, yeah, I have. Pocky, Pocky, Raccoon. Ew, what is that? I don't know. It sounds racist. Excuse me.

I have not spoken yet, but I am a dung-fool master. Ah, dung. Yeah, did you guys catch that? I get it. Ben, don't you dare. Don't you dare look at me with disdain when I tell a joke. I didn't even look at you. I couldn't.

All right. Son of a bitch. What? No. I mean, the whole I didn't even look at you. I couldn't. Son of a bitch. What? No. I mean, the whole... The dogs have stolen the car. And they were driving to Mexico. Well, they drive to Mexico. They're going to the park. Can the police be called? Can we get the dogs back in?

We have to get them back in. I can't believe you guys are referencing Baja, man. For the fucking 96. My favorite track on that album is the last track. Which is? Let's go get out there and have some fun. Let's go get out there.

We're going to have some fun while we get out there. Over and over again. Just me? Just you, Mark. All right, it's time for a segment from Old McNeely. Flush the toilet because we're talking about luxury bathrooms. I'd say where they're not. At the creek in the cave.

Maybe this, I was thinking to use some luxury bathrooms. We're going to get into a Marcus. He is a designer specializing in luxury bathrooms put in millionaire's homes. We need to come up with a new design for his company. He's going to go with the best one. I'm going to go ahead and try to steal it on the first one. Toilet made out of bones.

Also, it's a toilet where when you're pissing in it, it makes a little sound effect. It's like you're drowning a person. When you shit in it, it goes like, oh, fuck, quit covering me in your dookies. So it'll be an interactive toilet. Every time?

Every time you shit. I guess you say thank you sometimes. Yeah, it'll say happy birthday on your birthday. That's not bad, the happy birthday bone toilet. Yeah, happy birthday bone toilet. And then the sink's made out of human flesh. The sink's made out of human flesh. The sinks made out of human flesh. And, you know, you got your hot water and your super hot water.

No cold. All right. Definitely has a bidet. Okay. It's so hot. No, no, no. You never want cold water in the devil's bone bathroom. That's very true.

Absolutely. You're hungover in the middle of the night. Who wants a boiling bidet? Yeah. You want it nice and cold there, especially on a summer day. And there's a little mechanical bat that hovers around in the ceiling and every time it makes eyes with you, it goes help me.

That's a fucking nightmare. That's actually not a toilet thing. That's not a toilet thing. And that is my bone hell lord bone toilet bathroom. Thank you. I'm not going to clap for it. It's a a toilet room. And that is my bone hell lord bone toilet bathroom. Thank you. I'm not going to clap for it. It's a terrible idea. Terrible idea.

Malachi? I'm next? Yeah, we all have to do it. I didn't think of anything. My bathroom idea, is this for rich people? Yeah. You have a lot of money. Okay.

Okay. So my bathroom idea for rich people is, like, it's a bathroom, and everything is, like, gold-plated and shit. Super nice. It has one of those showers. You press buttons. You can listen to songs if you want to. Okay. And, like, the, like, shower is, like, it's not like a regular shower head.

Like, people like me, like, I have one where only, like, three of the spouts work. Like, all of them work. So it's like you're being rained on while you're taking a shower. And it's a big-ass shower. So if you want to have sex with a girl in there or a guy or whatever, whatever, or a train, whatever you want to do, you just take them in there. You do that. And there's a bathtub that's separate big ass shower. So if you want to have sex with a girl in there or a guy or whatever, or a train, whatever you want to do, is take them in there. You do that and there's a bathtub

that's separate from the shower. There's three toilets in that bitch and they have stalls and shit too. So like, if somebody's like, they're waiting for the bathroom, you say, go ahead and in there.

There's like fucking three stalls in there. So it's putting a really nice public bathroom in your own home. But, but here's the thing. Here's the twist. Here's the twist. Here's the twist.

If you're Asian, as soon as you walk into that bathroom, it just turns into a cesspool, which is a hole that steals your cell phone and kills your entire family. When you jump in there and everybody dies if you're Asian. So it's a very racist bathroom. But also Asian Americans as well. Or just Chinese nationals. Just anybody that I think is Asian, man. Okay.

So this is my house that I'm talking about. I just sit in the basement and watch on a camera and anybody, I'm like, ha ha, yeah bitch, this is the last shit you'll ever take. Now press the button, walk in there and fall in the hole and they're dead. Speaker on the wall, I just go, hit the button and go, Asian.

And then they die. Looks like you made the long choice. That's what I said. All right. Ben? Let's go with more of a human vibe. Let's say you got a bunch of gals in there and they're beautiful

and then they're all covered in toilet paper so they're the ones who will wipe you. And we'll say they encourage you to pee-pee. They encourage you to poo-poo. There's a sucker machine that goes up to your anus, so you don't have to do so much work. And it just puts a little drug in your butthole that then relaxes your sphincter. It allows it all to just fall through.

And then as it's falling through, there's a separate hose that is giving you a bunch of fresh air and then a little water spritz and whatnot. Really almost giving you a colonic every time you poo, which will increase your life expectancy roughly 10 to 15 years. We'll call it the No Push Push. The No Push Push Toilet Poo Poo Den. And everybody loves it.

And then for your pee-pee, you can put that wherever you want. There's a gal who's begging for it. And then you can just pee on it. Or you can use the toilet wherever you want. There's a gal who's begging for it. And then, so you can just pee on it. And, or you can use the toilet if you want to, or you can just, you can just kind of pee wherever you want. The whole room is,

is really just one. It's available for, yeah, because. So it's like an open cesspool of sorts. It is. It's still just a cesspool. Yes.

But, but there are people there that clean it. Volume three. And it's just your poo-poo and your duty. Okay. So it's your own personal cesspool. And then again, all the women are covered in toilet paper. So technically, your luxury bathroom is what the Chinese have.

The Chinese already have this. Yes. But with women who are begging for it. Begging for it. Chinese women do. They don't beg for it. They are forced into it. Oh. Yeah. These women are begging for it. They're begging for it. Begging for it. Chinese women do. They don't beg for it. They are forced into it. Oh.

Yeah. These women are begging for it. Begging for it. Yeah. And then all of the faucets, you turn two nipples and then the pussy is where the water comes out.

Oh, like a Cronenberg film. Yeah, like a Clockwork Orange style. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And the water is never cold, never hot, warm. Yeah, but there's also an ice cube tray in case you want to get it nice and fucking cold. Gavery King, I feel like you just encroached on my idea, man. What was your idea?

You just heard that shit and you said cesspool and I said that shit in mine. No, he was just talking about pissing on women. You're talking about killing Asians. Yeah. I don't see me. I think it's similar. I think it's the same ballpark. Well, I will say. anything similar. It's in the same ballpark. I mean, it's a bathroom. It's all

going to be in the same ballpark. No Russians allowed. Alright. I can be down with that. They're dangerous, Tim. Disgusting. Bathrooms? Yeah. I guess I would like a bathroom where you can go

and take a shit and I would like a bathroom where you can go in and take a shit. And it would be a room that would be comfortable enough to think about how Kendrick Johnson died. And how there isn't any justice for it whatsoever. Tim Warner's just mind. Or that chick in Boston that got killed by that shooter or not shooter, but he stabbed her and then left a tree branch in her pussy

or whatever else outside. Colleen, whatever. And then they had a moment of silence before but they had a moment of silence before the first game in the World Series. But then after that, we haven't heard anything as a country at all. And there's a lot of child trafficking that goes on.

Are you okay? This is just an aggravating bathroom. Every time I take a shit, and shits are uncomfortable for me, they come out in doses and pieces. And a lot of it's kind of fountain-y if you were to turn it on and off. You've got to eat fly. I think I've learned so much about you. Oh, it's the worst because I don't know if this is normal.

Sometimes it's solid. Sometimes just sporadic. And I don't know how the digestive system works. This is more about your bowels. Certainly, it is. You're asking the perfect toilet. I'm trying to. There's people out there like me.

At this point, it's just a normal toilet, though. This is what you're thinking. A place that smells nice and has some relaxing paintings. Oh, Marcus, one more thing. In my bathroom, you don't read the newspaper. The newspaper reads you. That's kind of fun. The dogs are at my accountant's office, and they are doing the family's taxes.

They're doing taxes now. Look, so they're not rowdy. I think I'm at an age where I'm going to die from a house disease. So I'm sitting on a toilet having these weird things happen to me. Then I think about stories of Kendrick Johnson where they found fucking newspaper in his fucking body after they dug him out of they stuffed his organs with newspaper. It's a whole thing. It's one of the weirdest, oddest, amazing stories that should be number one everywhere. We got to get Tim on last podcast on the left.

Another good podcast on Cave Comedy Radio. What is it? I never heard of it. Last podcast on the left. Let me plug it for you. And then the guy who killed Colleen, whatever, that school teacher that everyone loved

that was outside of Boston. I don't even know her. Oh. No, not a lot of us did it. But you just didn't hear anything Where were you, Eddie? His bathroom is really Oscar wrap-up song. Shit. Just, that's what I, that's what I just want to be. The bathroom is really... Marcus, do you have a rap about someone's shit? That's what I... Get it all together.

I just want to be... Dinosaurs are loose! Are they with the dogs? Okay, all right. Let me just... All right, presentation. I get you, though, Tim. Okay, hi.

My name is Henry Zabrowski, and I'm a representative from Luxor Toilets. And what we're bringing you is the highest grade of luxury toilet line that you'll ever experience in your life. So this toilet, we call it the Excelsior program, right? Excelsior program. What it is, is it is a dolly that you get into, right? It's sort of like a Lazy Susan, and you're lifted up to a toilet that is an open-air marble toilet. When it is, it's the top of get into, right? It's sort of like a Lazy Susan and you're lifted up to a toilet that is an open air marble toilet. When it is, it's the top of your roof, right?

Open to the night sky, right? So it's beautiful and nice. Air gets all the way out there. If it's raining, there is a clear new plastic seraphil top line so the rain won't get through but you can still smell the fresh air, right? Yeah. An elderly

blind man will bring a silver bowl underneath you. He took my fucking blind man thing. Because when he's blind, he can't judge you for your poo-poo and your genitals because blind people also cannot smell. May I just ask you, where's your wife? Oh, my

wife is away on vacation, quotation marks. But this new bathroom marble lines, one bathroom, one use at a time for dung and for liquid refuse is instantly removed at any point.

And the elderly blind man, who only lives for as long as you need him to live, sings gentle songs to you as you go to the bathroom. Something along the lines of like, You are your own personal king and I love you. And I love you. And he only exists in that bathroom.

He will not come into your living room no matter what. If you chopped up a person, would you be able to flush them in pieces? Oh, this elderly blind man is your employee quote unquote. I'm not going to say slave because we're not allowed to say it in the paperwork. But he doesn't get paid and we ripped out his eyes. Okay.

Very interesting. Excelsior from Lexor Toiletries. So you killed your wife. Oh, she's away on vacation. How much is this toilet going to is this bathroom experience going to run us? You can't put a price on any type of one-of-a-kind experience. Luxor toiletries applies with our Excelsior program.

But if I was to give you money, how much money would I have to give? Money is a paltry issue when it comes to what you need from a toilet experience. He's being evasive. I got like $300. Is that enough? No. All right. I know it costs hundreds of thousands of dollars.

Jackie, what's yours? Well, Henry took my fucking blind deaf slave idea. I don't know how, but he fucking did. my fucking blind deaf slave idea. I don't know how, but he fucking did. So, I'm going to say when you walk up,

you are about to enter your bathroom. Wow. I am so impressed. God, your mother just raised you both wrong. That's phenomenal. You will have a servant on the outside of the bathroom

that will take all of your clothes that is paid for in silence. He can't be blind because that copyright is owned by Luxor Toiletries. But have you ever read the short story by Ray Bradbury? I think it's called The Room. The Jaunt. Where you can enter and it becomes whatever you want it to be. Also copyrighted by Luxor. I am trying to do this.

We have to end the episode. We have to end it. We've been doing it for three hours. You walk in into whatever you fucking want it to be. You get to a massage chair. It massages your fucking bowels. So it just fucking comes out of your fucking holes.

And you never have to work towards it. And then you can... I don't fucking know. Elderly, deaf, blind man, clean. That's not your idea. I'm out. So toiletries,

if you need an executive toilet experience, please come to Luxor Toiletries. Get out of my brain, Zabrowski. All right, Eddie. All right, Eddie. I was thinking we could get a flat screen TV

in there. All right. We're just going to make it a BW3s. Okay, Eddie's idea is make it a Buffalo Wild Wings. No, I'm going to, I'm going with Eddie. That's BW3 Okay, Eddie's idea is making a Buffalo Wild Wings No, I'm going with Eddie Buffalo Wild Wings bathroom wins

Easiest idea of all time Henry loves you Jackie's on Twitter Eddie, what's next? Murder Fist Thanks Malachi Nimitz Thank you Tim Warner for being here as well. I am Tim Warner

on Twitter. That's all I got. All right, everybody. We'll talk to you soon. Adios! All right. This is it. The last of the Kickstarter thank yous. First of all, it's an incredible situation we've got going here. $8,612

were raised. And hopefully Holton doesn't use it all on food. Hopefully. That's why I don't have access to the bank account bank you had. 198 backers. I bought a million chicken parms with the money that they gave us. We had 198 backers. Let's say the thank yous.

Oh, God. All right. Big thanks, first of all, to Adam's mom, Deb thank yous. Hope of God. All right. Big thanks, first of all, to Adam's mom, Deb Gordy. Wow. Sexiest woman in Wisconsin. She's already giving us a home to do this project out of, but thank you so much, Deb. Deb, wonderful, perfect Deb Gordy. And another beautiful mother, Jackie and Henry's mother.

Oh, mommy, thank you. Linda Zebrowski. She is our mommy. She'll never listen to this. Lovely, lovely Linda. I send her all the links. Alright. Fuck her. Also, Jeff Stevens, huge supporter

of ours. That's awesome. Yeah, Comedy Central's own Jeff Stevens. He's got a big set of balls on him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jackie's ex, Bryce Cadwallader. Thank you very much. Gave a lot of money to us. And Matt Santerre. He still loves you.

Matt Santerre, thank you so much for that delicious, delicious, huge amount of money you gave us. It's going to go to a good cause, man. All right, Jackie, we got the 50s. Oh, yeah, we got some fucking 50s going on, baby. 50, 50, 50. Thank you so much for giving your support. Timothy Morse and Angie McCormick. Angie.

Angie, Angie. Ron Krasnow, you motherfucker. I fucking love you. Thank you so much for your support. You got the world's worst fucking butt pimple. Yeah, man. He should have bought a thermometer or something with that money. Something. We already got him

a new hat. He didn't need that. Nicholas Pitkoski. Ed and Jan Register. I like that Ed and Jan. Yeah, but I like that Ed and Jan is one name. Josh Rogers. John Breslin.

Louis Wisner. Don't make fun of their names. That's not making fun. It was a question mark. Louie Wisner, thank you very much for your support. Move the phone away from your tits so you can read it. I can't fucking see. I can't see my fucking tits.

Michael Green, one of my coworkers. I love you very much, and thank you for your support. All right, Henry, hit us with the 25ers. Dufyde Thomas, thank you for your support. Alright, Henry, hit us with the 25ers. Dufeed Thomas. Thank you. Kevin. He is anonymous. Natalie Saith. Thank you Natalie. Tiffany Baker. Thank you Tiff. Thank you Tiff.

Thank you darling. Girl Tiff. Say hi to Gecko for me. Jim Wachowski. Cane's Tavernvern got drunk there last night not full of rapists so you should go there Nimesh Patel in the enough to count

D. Robert Volchek thank you Marcus Patsusian he's eating a chicken parm I love my chicken parm David Akigyum thank you chicken parm David Akigum Thank you so much buddy He's doing it too

You're doing it worse than she did David Akigum Thank you so much Joel Wachowski Thank you so much buddy Hell yeah He's really attractive Yeah Jeff Fishman

Alright Is that all? Yeah now Ed hit us with the big ass batch Betsy Anonymous Betsy Roman Rivas I think it's Betsy. Anonymous Betsy. Roman Rivas.

I think it's Betsy Winchester. You think it is? I don't know. She didn't say anything to me. I was hanging out with her last night. We saw Godzilla. I had to pay for my ticket. Rosemary. Anonymous Rosemary.

Alexander King. Leah Kessler. Wonderful. Lived with Holden and Ben. Little Leah. Little Leah. Great person. She's responsible for all the wonderful wall drawings that we did with tape.

Alyssa Ann Bono. She's a makeup person that worked at Murderfest. She's great. Trisha Marie, Jared's girlfriend. She bangs Jared. Did not have to pay. Nick Johnson. Jeremy Ween.

Khalid Rahman. Julia Johns. I'm surprised she can get the money out without fucking stepping on her hands. Because her feet are big. Her feet are really big. Her feet are so big. Jesse Basson. RG Daniels.

Fuck yeah, man. I love that guy. Yeah, man. He's great. He's been on the show. Eddie. Edie Monica. She spelled it wrong.

She's great. No, that's her fucking name. She spelled it wrong. E-D-D-I-E is how you spell Eddie. No, not Todd. That's how she spelled it. That's her name. That's how you spell Eddie is E-D-D-I-E is how you spell Eddie. No, not Tati. That's how you spell it. That's her name. That's how you spell Eddie is E-D-D-I-E.

All right. Andrew Short. Good guy. Name also describes the man. Two-time nominee for round... One-time nominee for round table of the year. Jenny Boyle. All right.

Left me alone. In an apartment I couldn't afford and moved a block away. All right. Okay. She gave $10. She gave money. All right, okay. And gave $10. She gave money. She gave, oh yeah, $10. Thanks a lot.

I was depressed for a fucking year. And you give me $10? She's a good person. Whatever. She's got a beautiful child. She has a beautiful child. Where is someone else now? Fuck him.

All right. I didn't mean that. He's fine. Everything's fine. Everything's fine. Jesus. She should have gave more from what she took from me. Why did we give him the $10 list?

Marissa Bramwell. She's a wonderful, cute woman. Harry Schreiber. Henry. It's a Henry. My phone's all cracked. Giverny. Giverny.

I love you, Giverny. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He had some fun times with her. Camille Harris. Reed Fowler. Another one of the undone sweaters. So tiny. He's tinier, right? Yeah, but he some fun times with her. Camille Harris, Reed Fowler, another one of the undone sweaters. So tiny. He's tinier, right?

Yeah, but he's so adorable. Has not been nominated for round table of the year. We'll see what happens this year. He's too skinny. He is kind of skinny, and he did all the drawings for friendship test. William Matthew Jones, you get a second shout out. You don't know how you snuck in there, you fucker. James Turnbull, Elizabeth Moore, Travis Gordon, Damian Chadwick, Jeff Grimwood.

Fuck yeah, take care of your kid. Andrew Yakira, poorly proofread. Kristen Kamchan, wonderful human being from Tallahassee. And I miss you. I hope that big cat you have is still alive and it's not dead. I doubt it. Nicole with an H. I think it's the Nicole that went to sell.

Yeah, I think it's Nicole Graff. Yay. May Reed Banks, Camille Perry, Zach Wiebel, Elizabeth, Tom Knowles, Thumb Knowles,

Ben Lee, Altamigoringa? Altamigoringa is a fan of last podcast. Oh, fuck yeah. We got that one. Michael George Davis, Jacob Hart, Alex Rodriguez,

you young fucker. You got to get older, bro. We can hang out. Pat Byrne from my house team. Oh, hell yeah. That's really nice of him. David Guillem. He get older, bro. We can hang out. Pat Byrne from my house team. Oh, hell yeah. That's really nice of him. David Guillem.

He's a great guy. He does us favors. Dinah Berkley. Leah Rudick. What happened to me with Jenny? She did that to Holden. I was destroyed by this woman. Leah Rudick is a wonderful New York comedian. At least my ex gave $250.

That's a much better jackass and fucking than us. I have to say, your whole relationship was worth $10. $10, Jenny? That's it? That's fucking it? Three years we lived together. We were going to get married. I was saving up for her.

K.K. Rose, Joanna Miller, Alex, and Peter Thank you Thank you guys so much Thank you so much everybody who donated I'm certain that this is the reward that they wanted We're going off now to

have our bad movie night with Sina John who donated $250 So you guys have a good night and we're going to make a fucking brilliant product. We're going to hand it to you guys later on this year or early next night and we're going to make a fucking brilliant product. We're going to hand it to you guys later on this year or early next year. You guys are going to love it.

Hail Satan. Yes, Hail Satan.