The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 201: Maggot Brain

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

This week on Round Table: two men in Minnesota have a chainsaw fight, a woman in England has a harrowing story to tell concerning maggots, and a 61 year old vandal leads Australian police on a scooter chase. Joining us today: John F. O'Donnell, Julia Johns, and Jim Tews!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay out, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. I love you guys. Yeah. Lean in. Everyone's good. Yeah, we're on.

Now it's time for a special prayer from our guest John F. O'Donnell. Dear Mother Earth and all your roundness and sexiness, may you provide for us clean drinking water and just

supple thighs that we can plant food within. And then may you sprout out of your lady Mother Goddess Earth, the JJ of Hope. Something that shall make us all feel alive.

Amen. The Mother Earth, the JJ of Hope. That's what I'm calling it from now on. I love the JJ of Hope. Welcome to the roundtable of gentlemen, everybody. It's Father's Day. Nobody on this podcast gives a shit. We all do have bad fathers.

Sort of. Your father's reformed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And Marcus's isn't too bad. My father's wonderful. That's nice. Now, a father is... Somebody that left you.

Oh. All right, Jackie, you're here. Yeah, I'm here. I don't think there's any hope in my vajayjay dome. That's for sure. Pit of despair I have between my legs. What else is in there, Jackie? Worms.

Fucking worms that cough. Asthmatic worms. Some people are into that sort of thing. There's something for everybody. I'm Ed Larson, and my penis is unused this week. Very good. Congratulations. There's something for everybody. I'm Ed Larson and my penis is unused this week. Very good. Congratulations. This week.

Come on, man. It's been longer than that. No, Ed gets laid. He's got a whole demographic. Yeah, it's been a little bit longer. But you found some sick Ray-Bans. I did find some Ray-Bans. They're too small for his head.

I don't give a shit. I'm wearing them. And that's beautiful about you. You know what I mean? It's so great. It makes you happy. Who cares if you look ridiculous? I look great! Exactly. Like I was

rocking a bandana around my neck like the wrong way for a while. Yeah, you shouldn't do that. You mean to never do any of it. No, I know, but it made me really happy, you know? You just gotta find a little piece of happiness wherever you can. Like a kerchief. Like Mr. Roper, like not in the front.

No, it was like a reverse Mr. Roper. It was like the cowboy guy, but not in front of the mouth, but backwards. So just the back was hanging down. This is a terrible story. Take it easy. Holdenators, hey! All right, stop. J-Pod, you start talking again.

I want to bring back up the beef. We're bringing back the beef. Unlimited Lives podcast. So story update. Story update. If you guys haven't heard about this, I'm starting a beef with Unlimited Lives, the video game podcast on the fucking Game Comic Radio. I asked to be a guest on the show like one should do always when trying to get on a show. That's not true.

You should be asked to be on it. Jason Sines. Let's talk about the man. He on a show. That's not true. You should be asked to be on it. And then Jason signs to talk about the man. He wrote me back, sure thing, bud. New face, right? He said, sure thing. He said, sure thing, bud. And then nothing. Nothing.

All right, so I get a text the other day. Hey, do you want to come be on Unlimited Lives podcast today? Five o'clock. And I said, you know what? That's not going to work for me. I can do it at six. And he said, oh, I can't do that. So you messed up. So's not going to work for me. I can do it at six. And he said, I can't do that. So you messed up.

So they asked you to do it. You let me know the day you can't wiggle. There's no wiggle room with Unlimited Live. There is no space. I fucking scheduled that show. Well, there you go. I'm starting to beef with your ass then. All the beef's fucking getting crushed. God damn it. It sounds like a really worthy beef. It is.

Totally legit beef. All my Holdenators back me up. Unlimited Live Podcast. Against Jason Zines, who is the nicest man alive. The nicest person. You need to support me here, Jackie. I don't support you, Holdenators. No.

That's what I'm saying. Holdenators, no. Jackie, if you don't, please. All right. Let's move on. Squirmy bitch. All right. We got John F. O'Donnell in the chocolate here.

Thanks for being here, John. I'm so happy, guys. This is like, look at me. I'm cheeks and cheeks smile. I love you guys. It's all J's. Then we got Julia Johns here as well. Good to be here.

Yep. And then Jim Tooze. Hi. Thanks for being here, Jim. It's been a while. It has. It's been too long. Same Z.

Yeah. Jimmy. It's been a while. Where were you? Were you sailing? I was sailing. I's been a while. Where were you? Were you sailing? I was sailing. I just want to say. I was going up and down the coast making sure everything was okay.

What was the name of that band? You're welcome. That terrible band you were just singing? Disturbed. Disturbed? It's been a while. That is stained, Mike. Oh, God.

It's been a while. Well, I'm feeling disturbed now. That's for sure. One of the underbite singers. Oh, underbite. Jackie's underwear. Yeah, front stains only, baby. Jackie, you're so gross.

Great name for a band, Front Stains. Hello, everybody, we're the Front Stains. We're the Front Stains, and we're here to annoy you. On the chainsaw. On the chainsaw. That could actually sound kind of cool. Well, Ben, that actually goes well with our very first story today. I love stories.

Let's get there. It's definitely not a typical workplace disagreement, but one member of a tree-trimming crew in Lakeville, Minnesota is now facing assault charges after an on-the-job argument turned into a chainsaw-wielding confrontation. No way.

Jason Warren Schultz, 34, of Little Falls, is charged with second-degree assault. Kara Lee, a neighbor who witnessed the chainsaw fight, said they were fighting from day one. From the morning it started, they hated each other. Uh-oh. What was the feud over? Did one person want to be on another person's podcast?

But the text came through too late. Lee was working on her deck while her next-door neighbor's dead tree was being removed, and she said the men were bickering the entire time. According to the charges, Schultz had been up in a tree cutting branches and throwing them down towards his co-worker. Lee said he didn't feel safe in the tree. I don't know how the day started with those two.

I mean, if you're up in a dead tree, you expect someone to be paying attention and helping you. I agree. When the co-worker asked Schultz to stop throwing branches in his direction, Schultz apparently got angry and started shouting racial slurs. It'll happen. What kind of racial slurs? You know what the color? I mean, it's the most popular

one. It's the number one hit. It's her favorite one? The thing that's weird is both people were white. So that was just really amazing. Don't call me that. I hate that too. Blame that hip hop music. No, go ahead. The two continued to yell at each other as Schultz

got down from the tree and went to another yard. Schultz then allegedly returned with a chainsaw, started it up, and walked toward the co-worker while yelling, I'm gonna kill you. Oh, yeah. The neighbor said, it escalated.

It didn't need to. It sort of did. It escalated. He got his rocket launcher. So, did he cut off an arm or something? Yeah, that's good to her, man. I'm losing my mind. Which limb was lost?

Holy shit. I just don't know what's more dangerous, to be up in the tree or to be throwing a bunch of wood down from the tree. Like, who would you rather be? I'd rather be on the ground. Yeah, you think so? I don't think I could ever climb a tree anyway.

I want the high ground. You got a chainsaw at the base of a tree and the guy's in the tree, you're going to win. Oh, good point. Yeah, yeah, that's a good point. I want the ground. Yeah, but I mean, it would be kind of fun to just catapult a bunch of wood over on somebody, a bunch of branches and things. Hell yeah. Branches. Yeah, it's a good weapon. So what got cut off?

So. Witnesses told police that Schultz continued to shout racial slurs during the confrontation. Witnesses said the victim told Schultz to quote get away from me. We need to go back to work. Oh, so he was asking for it.

As Schultz moved within a couple feet of his co-worker with the chainsaw held in an upright position, his co-worker grabbed a shovel to defend himself. That's cool. The neighbor said, he's holding the shovel like a baseball bat, and all you hear is the chainsaw going ping off the shovel the whole time.

I'm just standing there like, wow, this is really happening right now. Shovel versus chainsaw. It's tough because the shovel's got the length. And you can do some damage with a shovel, no doubt about it. You can knock the chainsaw out of the guy's hand with the shovel.

Totally. He's in a defensive position the entire time. He's just trying to get the guy to put it down. Yeah, but the shovel's not an offensive weapon, I guess. I mean, if you jack somebody up in the neck real good with it, you could behead them. You could win. Yeah, definitely. The co-workers eventually took the fight to the front yard

and several nervous neighbors called 911 before calming the duo down before anyone got seriously hurt. Oh, man. I would have gone out there with a lawnmower. It was a real trifecta. Sitting on your couch, you hear people screaming in a chainsaw and you look out your window you're just like whoa that's awesome all right i wonder what's gonna happen no stop it

could you imagine if the white dude with the chainsaw murdered the black dude while saying racist slurs at him i feel like that would like been big news i think that would have been huge news there'd be a lot of conversations about race relations in America. I think so. And we all love those. Those are always productive and things like that. This is Minnesota. Minnesota?

Not Florida or Texas. Yeah, I'm picturing Florida. What kind of tree? No, they can't afford chainsaws in Florida. No, no, no. They have tiny knives. They take a long time to get the tree down. They take little alligators and put their fingers in their assholes

and let them get the tree down. The only people who can afford them are people from Boca Raton and they're too physically weak to lift a chainsaw. Yeah, fuck those old people in Boca. That's where I'm from. I know. I would let this fight happen.

I would not call the cops because the whole point of you calling the cops is if you're in danger. If somebody has a couple of guns or something like that. A chainsaw and a shovel. I mean, this is an isolated incident. There's no way you're going to be affected. Yeah. See what happens. Eventually, the black guy is going to start going for the offensive.

I mean, but we don't know who was carrying what, right? Oh, no. The white guy had the chainsaw and the black guy had the shovel. Oh, all right. And was fending off the chainsaw with the shovel. Oh, my God. Ping, ping. The white guy had the chainsaw and the black guy had the shovel. Oh, all right. And was fending off the chainsaw with the shovel. Oh, my God. Yeah. I might have just thrown different weapons out my window and just see if they would have

picked those up. Like throw a pitchfork, something like that, a baseball bat. Take this rake. See what he does with that, honey. What, like double dragon? Totally, yeah. Just show up and stuff like that? A. What, like double dragon? Totally, yeah. Just show up and stuff like that? A random chain, pots and pans.

Yeah, let's watch a good feud here. It's Minnesota. Why not? You can kill a lot of people with anything. What if you saw the guy's head get habitated by the chainsaw? How would you feel? The fight's done. Yeah, that's it.

That's the big closer. That's the final conclusion. Boca Raton in Hebrew means strong Jewish horse that might be true I have no idea it's very interesting it means rat's mouth

yeah chainsaws are tough weapons to kill somebody with though I don't know man all you gotta do is nick them on the neck and they're done yeah

I've seen a video. There's one of those Mexican cartel videos. All the guys lined up in a row. Guy's got a chainsaw. He's just going and nicking the neck. He doesn't have to do a full on. There's a video of that? It's an actual video.

You don't want to see it. No, I don't want to see it. I got another story. Is it the chainsaw story again? No. Don't we have two chainsaw stories? A fresh coat of paint maybe? I don another story. Oh, is it the chainsaw story again? No. Ice cream? Don't we have two chainsaw stories? Fucking ice cream? A fresh coat of paint, maybe?

I don't know. Get your wallets out because the sex toy that claims it's the world's most realistic robotic oral sex... The bionic dildo! No, Judah. Not the bionic dildo. You being wrong right there is amazing. You know what I mean? I do want to see again, though.

Is that a thing about a bionic? No, you've been thinking about the bionic dildo like crazy. You thought you had your opportunity to talk about it publicly, but that's not where we were at. It's another name for a good band, the Bionic Dildos, opening it up for the front stains. This will be huge. We are Bionic Dildo,

and we are pretty pleased that a few of you showed up for this. We play buzz rock. I'm going to call my mom and tell her about it after the show, so thank you. Dee-da-da-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee. Oh, I love that song. Finally, a friend is mine. That's generally what that sounds like.

Before I was so rudely interrupted, the world's most realistic robotic oral sex simulator for men before I was so rudely interrupted. The world's most realistic robotic oral sex simulator for men is now available for pre-order. The device is called the AutoBlow 2. It sounds like it's something from Wayne's World. Oh, yeah. Unlike a flashlight, which is operated by the movement of a user's hand, the AutoBlow 2 operates electronically.

Users just have to plug it into the wall, insert themselves into the rubbery sleeve, and let the device's beaded ring slide up and down the outside of the sleeve. Does it have a tongue? It does not have a tongue. Then it's not a good blowjob machine. Fuck this robot, this cock-sucking robot. Send it back to hell.

That's where it's from. That's for to hell. That's where it's from. That's for damn sure. Hey, don't question Veronica. You don't know about her pleasure, too. All right? You don't know the level of compassion she's given me. It's not wall-mounted. You just plug it in, and then I think you place it on.

The whole thing sounds terrible. Take a look at it. I want a wall-mounted. I mean, I guess you probably can. You could. Yeah, you might be able to figure it out. Put it right underneath your flat screen. Oh, it comes in different sizes. Marges. Marges, can I tell you probably can. You could. Yeah, you might be able to figure it out. Put it right underneath your flat screen. Oh, it comes in different sizes.

Marcus, can I tell you something? Marcus, can I tell you something? Because it's incredibly coincidental you brought this up. And it's a weird thing, and maybe I won't even talk about it very much, but on this thing that I'm on, the new show that I'm on that maybe we can talk about later. We'll talk about it now. What show are you on? Okay. The only reason

is because we did something about this auto blow too. That's the only reason I'm bringing up. Why'd you show John? Okay, fine. I've been doing comedy for 14 years and I finally got a job. Yes. Which is nice. What channel is it on? It's a comedy show called Redacted Tonight. It's a comedy news show hosted by this dude Lee Camp.

He's a very vocal comedian, occupied Wall Street. What channel? What? Lee Camp? No, what channel? Oh, it's on RT America, which is a news channel, and it's their first comedy show. And I'm a political correspondent on it. And after the show airs, it goes on YouTube. So if you just type Redacted Tonight into YouTube, you can find the whole episode.

It's everything, right? Why don't they just put it right on YouTube? It's got to go on TV first. It airs in like... Well, this is the thing. Not everybody has RT America, but 80 million households do. Nice. And it airs in other countries, too. It airs in like, well, this is the thing, not everybody has Arts in America, but 80 million households do. Nice. And it airs

in other countries too. It's bigger overseas. Larry King's on the network now. That's super weird. Anyway, no, I was like, as Ben said, I didn't want to do this

like this, but the auto blow came up. And now I have to do it. This guy's got Larry King in his prime. But anyway. What's the auto blow on Larry King?

Anyway, true story. The thing that I did my death segment on is this. There are 20 people that are working for the... 20 people have won the Nobel Peace Prize over the years. All came out together and released a joint statement calling for a preemptive ban on autonomous killer robots that are devoid

of human oversight. That would be drone. Basically what's being invented now is the next generation beyond these unmanned drones. They're basically Terminator 2. And the UN's been meeting about it, and there's something called the Campaign to Stop Killer Robots, and it's real, and so in this thing, I kind of defend killer robots, but it's all because the most

important thing in my life is this Autoblow 2, and I'm scared that she'll be taken away from me, unlike the Autoblow 1 that was a fucking nightmare and never knew when to fucking quit, and recently the Autoblow 3 is going to come out, which is sentient, but it won't give you oral until you clean the kitchen first. Yeah, it's the Jewish version.

Yeah, that's nice. I feel like this is the straight man's answer to overpopulation, though, you know? I mean, we were talking about it the other day with the Oculus Rift porno, anime girl porno, where you have the thing on your cock and you hit the green button when you want the cum shot to happen in the thing. You know? It's like, I think it's great. I think it's great because there's a lot of sad, lame,

pathetic, loser, fucking moron idiots who listen to this podcast and they need something when they're not listening to our fucking yabbering asses to fucking come into a fucking bucket that fucking, you know, exactly. So, yeah, that's great.

Yeah. I think if you make this affordable, you're going to see a serious decrease in school shootings. Yeah. I want to make it affordable and I want to make it so that guys over 13 can buy it. Yeah. Yeah. I can't imagine you have to be over 18 to buy this product.

Yeah, you do, unfortunately. I would buy it for my kid, yeah. If you pre-order the Auto Blow 2, it's $129 instead of the full retail price of $150. Relatively affordable then. As far as sex toys go, it's pretty standard. For a blowjob machine, I'm going to go ahead and call it cheap. Yeah, I guess so. You throw in some tits and I'm sold.

But I need some tits. I don't know. I'm just not sure. So you come inside of it, but then it's attached to electricity. The whole thing sounds very dangerous. This is the thing about the Autoblow One. The logline was, will not electrocute your dick. That's great.

That is good. But the fact that they have to make that a warning means that it does. Exactly. Well, vibrators don't electrocute vaginas. Yeah, but it's battery operated. So is this. No, this is just a wall. Well, let me get more into it.

Oh, you charge it up? Yeah, you charge it up. Oh, I see. So you can take it with you. Yeah. Are you working for them? This is very interesting. Round Table of Gentlemen brought to you by the Autoblow 2. Yeah. Are you working for them? This is very interesting. Round Table of Gentlemen

brought to you by the Auto Blow 2. Here's what the website says, Jim. It's the first electronic stroker. It says it's the first stroker to work with three sizes of interchangeable sleeves and the first mechanized male pleasure product

built to last for years. The motor is rated for 500 hours or for 1,500 solo experiences. All right. 1,500 BJs? That's one summer if you're a 15-year-old boy. Oh, definitely. There's different size sleeves.

What if some guy gets his auto blow? None of the sleeves fit his... I need a wig. I need a wig to go on top of it because I got to hold the top of the head. It gets me going when I'm grabbing on the hair, putting shampoo in. to lotion the ears to plug up your head is there a button that manipulates tears on it too because i need it to be yeah i need to be crying same here john and i need crying can you hook it up to uh can you hook it up to a house's central vacuum system so that all your loads just end up in one place. That would be nice.

Can it scream? It's like that Chris Rock joke. $129? Vacuum my house, bitch! Do you guys remember the original joke? I love it when you explain jokes, J-Fab. If so, that would have been genius. No more telling jokes. Just explaining what jokes

are. And discuss more bits that you've done in the past, but don't do the bits. Just let people know that you were funny at some point. This is important. That's perfect. Thank you so much for being here. Can it scream at me? Can it scream at me when we're done? Can it be like

do the dishes! You never do the dishes! After it's finished blowing me. I think that the people that have this will probably have a mother who does that for them, actually. So don't worry about it. Wait, blows them? Creepy. Can it be a Star Wars thing?

Oh, and by the way, this was crowdsourced. This was crowdfunded. They originally set up. Did you get a free one then if you donated some cash? I think if you donated enough, you probably got a free one. Yeah, it set out to raise $45,000. $45,000 for a couple of balls? And a million.

Yeah, it ended up raising $280,000. The public speaks. Yeah, the public speaks. It's the reading rainbow of the adult world. Real creepy speak. I know I would have donated enough to get my T-shirt, man. Yeah. Holy shit, what were the perks?

I mean, I don't have the campaign right They'll bring it to your school Come on Marcus you're on the platinum level An autograph or something like that This is a sad sign though How lazy were you getting Jackie I just feel like it's gonna make dudes

do a lot less to impress a woman And we're already just jacking off in front of them Yeah you need a machine to fucking do it for you and then you don't have to be like, oh, I don't have to buy you flowers anymore because I don't give a fuck whether you give me a blowjob or not. Oh, come on, Jackie.

Ain't nothing like the real thing. I mean, there's no tongue. That's what I don't understand. This thing needs to scoop into your tongue. If this is what you first start jacking off with, though, this will be what you consider perfect sex. So this is going to be a whole new fetish. You'd be ruined.

Oh, boy, I guess we got to get better at it. Yeah, we got to work it, ladies. Wait, but no, you guys got like... Get out there and practice, young ladies. You guys got the rabbit, whatever. Yeah. You know? Oh, yeah, man.

And we got the auto blow. Man, you could have gotten an auto blow two t-shirt for $29. That's all. Yeah. And only eight people out of 25 claimed for $29. That's all. Yeah. And only eight people out of 25 claimed them. How much did you get? Well, the people supporting it, maybe they weren't supporting it ironically like we'd be wearing it. Yeah, so eight people in this world that we currently live in have...

Autoblow t-shirts. Autoblow t-shirts. I want one so bad. What is the t-shirt? Like, I blow, Autoblow, you all blow, or something like that? Like, what does it fucking say? Auto blow two for all of us. Oh, wow. Auto blow two.

I feel like this is a dangerous step towards the beginning of the robots taking over. I really do. They're not even getting exercise in their arms anymore. Not even exercising the arms? You just plug it in, and it just gets my dick in a robot's mouth. I just can there. I can't get my dick in a robot's mouth. I just can't.

No. I can't get there. I just know that's seceding. That's like, I've given up. I would absolutely try it. You would try it? Marcus, you tried your flashlight. We know that.

I use my flashlight. You still do. It's different. Do you enjoy it? I love it. Really? Yeah, it's when I'm at home alone, and no one else is in the house. We know when you're supposed to be using it. It's when I'm at home alone and no one else is in the house. We know when to use.

You're supposed to be using it. It's when I'm in public on the subway. I just bring on my flashlight. People think it's a really bizarre thermos at first, and then I stick my dick in it. And they're like, oh, that's a flashlight. Where'd you get it at? But they don't react like that, actually. Although the auto blow is going to be great for road trips.

You know, it's hard to jerk off while you're driving for a long period of time. So if you're a truck driver, a cigarette lighter adapter for an extra few dollars. It could save lives. Maybe that's what happened with the terrible incident with Mr. Morgan. Maybe that truck driver that hit that limo was jacking off. He fell asleep. He should have been jacked off.

He should have had this thing on his cock and he would have been awake. It'd be good for hitchhikers too. Ask gas and grass. Now they just hand them this blowjob machine when they get in the car. That's true. Gas or grass. Oh, yeah. What's the name of the female serial killer?

Blowjob machine. This thing's scary, man. Oh, okay. There is a picture of a guy in a car, by the way. I thought Root does real bad. Yeah, a gif of what it looks like. That's the graphic we used on the show. You look like a jerk-off machine rather than a blowjob machine.

Yeah, I guess you got to fill it with spit. I bet you have a lube-type thing in it. I know, he looks super sad. He looks like a sad... He's the inventor. He's the spokesman. Of course he's the inventor. Go back to the guy in the car.

He's a balding... Oh, that's just some stupid fucking bullshit. He's a balding white fellow with big ears and definitely looks like the kind of guy who would have experimented enough to create this device and experiment with putting his dick in random holes in robots.

I want to see the garage full of cum-filled prototypes. Oh my god. This one's Becky 8. We don't talk about what I did to Becky 8. I'll tell you what, if you want to simulate eating a pussy, you just cut open a melon and go to town on it. That's a good point.

Just fuck any piece of fruit, really. If you're this guy's wife, let's assume he has a wife. I mean, his research... Let's assume he doesn't have a wife. I don't know. He's rich now. You know, a guy like that... He's not rich yet. I suppose. And also, by the way, there are certain chicks who refuse to get blowjobs, Jackie, right?

Not you, but you. I guess. Those are pathetic fucking chicks. Yeah. I went out with a girl who refused that. They're out there. On stage. So you had a date with a gal who refused to suck your cock?

We hung out for a while, and then when we started hooking up, she was like, I don't do that. And I was just like, well, cool. Well, then you ain't getting your puss eaten. Yeah, I can't. I'd say, no, with that attitude, take my dick out and just see what happens. Yeah, so it never worked. You just broke up with her, huh? Yeah.

Did you break up with her? What else would you do? Nothing. I mean, you have to break up with them, yeah. It's a character flaw. I've never heard of such a thing. I mean, I've heard of it it but I've never had it actually happen It's absurd it's like you should want to

You know make somebody feel good And vice versa I think it's the same thing That men are like that are like oh no I don't eat pussy I just don't do it it's like are you fucking Insane grow the fuck up Yeah it is yeah like when you cover your face In butter and release a bunch of ants on them And make kind of like a weird moving ant mask

And they refuse to fucking make out with you. I know. It's like be a fucking adult. They don't want the ants to go up inside your pussy. It's like this is my colony. This is your new home. I don't want the ants to come inside of me. I just keep picturing now people just using the auto blow right now while listening to this podcast.

Oh yeah. The kind of people who would buy that would also listen to this. Oh the moronic losers. Maybe one of your listeners maybe got one of those t-shirts. Maybe they'll write in now. Maybe they will, Julia. Okay. Maybe. Maybe they will.

Well, that's my input. Let's move on. Maybe they'll write in. All right, next story. A career criminal who was set free Wednesday after a Fresno jury accidentally filled out a not guilty form was killed less than an hour later when he got into an argument at his sister's home. Fresno Sheriff's records show

Bobby Lee Pearson, 37, was freed from jail Wednesday, the same day the Fresno Bee reported a jury mistakenly checked off the not guilty box on a verdict form when they weren't sure how to say they couldn't reach a unanimous decision. Isn't this something that they should write down and not check off a fucking box?

Yeah. Out of all the guilty or not guilty, a man's life is in your hands and you just check off a box? Yeah. How fucking stupid is this fucking... Dumb enough to be a juror. Maybe there should be some kind of...

Our lives are in these people's hands. And it's just like, what the fuck? You dumbest. You dumb pieces of shit. It's ridiculous. You should be able to write guilty not guilty. Who is on the jury? Our fucking listeners? What's going on?

Stop it. Unfollow. Unfollow. Is Holdinator a thing? Absolutely. Holdinator's not. Oh, I was like, all my Holdinators, raise up your hands make a bat sound make a bat sound

our listenership has actually been falling dramatically ever since you started doing us I was like Holden are you trying to get a cult going here oh absolutely I'm not trying man it's already going on my Holdenators are a fucking legion force unfortunately there's like ten of them and they all fucking eat pussy

they do not eat pussy a woman has to be around they may or may fucking eat pussy they eat it they eat it they may or may not eat pussy they love watermelon can't get enough of that there's a couple that from their profile picture may or may not be a woman

I haven't figured it out yet we all know how reliable profile pictures are nobody looks ten times better than they actually look in real life. They're so beautiful that he has no idea. Or it could be a monkey wearing a wig. I can't figure it out. It's a small box and they are hideous. Alright, so this juror checked the wrong box.

Less than an hour after being released on Thursday, Fresno police say Bobby Lee Pearson's sister's boyfriend fatally stabbed him in the torso and head when he showed up at her home to pick up his belongings. Fresno police sergeant Jaime Rio said, weird stuff, huh? Jaime Rio. That's the state Fresno is in where they're just like, fucking weird, right?

What happened? Alien abduction? Something like that? No, dude got stabbed. Not weird. What did he get acquitted of? Let's see here. He'd been in jail for about a year while his criminal case worked its way through the court

system. He and two co-defendants were being accused of burglarizing an apartment last year where they had allegedly stolen a gun and video system. That's not worth dying for. an apartment last year where they had allegedly stolen a gun and video system. Oh, jeez. That's not worth dying for. Definitely not a bad video system. He's like, I got free.

Bureaucracy has worked for me. I got a gun and a VCR. What kind of system did they get? I don't know. It just hasn't had one anymore. What if it was a Wii? I mean, yeah, a Wii or even a DVD player. I mean, these are primitive devices at this point.

Yeah, this story's from the LA Times. You'd think they'd be a little more thorough. Was it an Xbox? I mean, it's the LA Times. I don't know. I'm just shocked there wasn't a bunch of misspellings. I can't believe they got the headline out there. Kissel taking down the LA Times.

It's actually going out of business. They're going out of business. Oh. Yeah, they're a terrible paper. Are they? Oh, yeah. That's too bad. Good for them.

My favorite shirt that I've ever seen in my whole life, it said Fresno, question mark, and then on below it, in all caps, it just said Fres Yes, explanation point. I do like it. I was just going to ask you what Fresno's like, but now I don't even need to ask. That was perfect. My favorite shirt's the one I set on fire when you're fucking wearing it, fuckers. I just watched Holden sit there and think of saying that. Fucking put it on the president.

That's actually technically illegal to say. That's fine. So this guy's dead. What's that? If you put a shirt on somebody and lit the shirt on fire, there's a better chance that they die than if you didn't do that. That is for certain.

So this guy's dead. He's dead. So it's the best day of his life, but then also the worst day. Jaime Rios said weird stuff that he's released, and while he's out, he's murdered. This is the first time I've ever heard of it. Why do you have to say weird stuff?

It just shows how much he could give a fuck. Exactly. It's like, oh, that's weird, that's goofy. That's bizarro. Guy Reeves' sister stabs him in the neck. That's how police in Fresno deal with murders. Oh, that's goofy. Goofy.

One of those things. Got another loony store for you. Mass shooting at the school. Another fucking goofball event happened over here in Fresno. Every goddamn day. I mean, this guy, he had a lengthy rap sheet including convictions on multiple weapons charges and injury against a co-inhabitant. This guy? Yeah.

I mean, he sounds like he deserved to die. I mean, we didn't lose a wonderful member of society here, so. Yeah, I don't know if he deserved to get stabbed in the fucking head and die. I mean, ask the guy who stabbed him. Yeah, that's the thing. He was probably a terrible guy. Wait, who was that? His sister did it? No, his sister's boyfriend. I mean, the sister's boyfriend. Sister's boyfriend.

I feel like he was just being a hero that day. Yeah. He's like, oh, you got released for no reason? You were supposed to be guilty. So society, the justice system failed. I guess I'll take it into my own hands. There must be some mistakes. Damn, damn.

Yeah. Check out. Hopefully the same jury that accidentally acquitted that guy is the jury. Hey, Judge, can I have the same jury there? What was the name of the fellow who got stabbed? Can I have those 12 fucking idiots, please? Bobby Lee Pearson, 37. Bobby Lee. Why didn't they just fucking flip

a coin when he showed up? Holy shit, flip a coin court. I can see that fucking happening. If you mark the wrong time... I don't know. Oh, you're free. Oh, you're going to jail. What did that jury react like when the judge read the not guilty verdict?

When obviously everyone's like, we said guilty, right? And then not guilty? I mean, what do you fuck this up? They came to judge me like, oh, you wanted to be guilty? Yeah, well, they were deadlocked. Okay. Yeah, they were deadlocked, but they didn't know. There was no box to check for deadlocked on the form.

Well, there's no box here, and God forbid we just talk to somebody about this. This is how forced standardized testing has gone. It's gone to the jury box now. It's gone to the fucking jury room. I hate filling in a box. I hate the fucking box. That's crazy. Was it like, all right, don't cheat.

Don't look at other people's papers. Hand them in. It says guilty here, but they drew outside of the box. So it's a hung jury. Are you fucking kidding me? Oh, a Scantron. I've used these before. Don't use pen.

Don't use pen. They used a number two pencil. They used a number one pencil, which I haven't seen in a thousand years. Are there number three pencils? I don't know why it was a number two pencil, they used a number one pencil, which I haven't seen in a thousand years. Yeah, are there number three pencils? I don't know why it was a number two pencil. The only reason they couldn't come to a decision is because half of them were fucking asleep.

Yeah, that's true. Fucking awful. It's fine. So that guy's dead. Set it on fire. Set the world on fire. Well, you can't do that. The world's a very large place. Mostly made of water. I'm picturing your Holtinators right now sitting in a fucking circle around like a fucking pentagram or whatever.

They eat meat. They better be eating fish heads. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they have a picture of you with these fucking big ram horns coming out of your fucking skull. In order for them to sit in a circle, they would have to know another person. Yeah. Holtinators ho. They're definitely Filling up a kiddie pool

With their big old fat bodies Hey if you're lonely Call me I'll ignore the call But it'll be a sweet gesture I'll ignore the call But I'll be feeling my power While doing so

Dude I haven't been on this podcast in a while I love this podcast It's fun Thank you There's no other podcast That has this Fucked up awesome energy about it. You know what I mean? There's nothing else like this one.

And it's one of my favorite things to do. I said it. Hell yeah. I got something for you that I think you'll enjoy. A British woman has described in detail the moment she discovered headaches and scratching sounds in her head were caused by flesh-eating maggots. This sounds right up Holden's alley. Oh, man. I've heard this kind

of story before. It's on Netflix called Monsters Inside Me. They talked about this woman on the show. Derby Tower resident. It does seem like this is how Holden's wife is going to get pregnant. It's just going to be a bunch of maggots burrowing in her brain.

Was Thor born that way? What was the god that was born that way? One of them. Yeah, one of those. Loki. Loki. Holden's a big Loki fan. He would be a big Loki fan. Derbyshire resident Rochelle Harris.

I like Yanoki. Yanoki? Yeah. Oh, yeah, Yanoki. Maggots. Derbyshire resident Rochelle Harris had just returned from a holiday in Peru when she began developing shooting pains in her face. The 27-year-old initially thought little of it,

but the following day she woke to find a strange liquid covering her pillow and began hearing scratching sounds coming from inside her head. You're so fucked up, dude. Increasingly concerned by the discomfort, Ms. Harris decided to visit the accident and emergency department at the Royal Derby Hospital, but was told the problem was likely to be a simple ear infection. Oh, you're telling me the Royal Derby Hospital was atop of her cave?

Yeah, why didn't she just go down to Barn University and figure out what medicine they're working on? Hey, you're ugly. You look like a fucking horse. Go to the horse hospital. Why don't you get out of there? I'm sorry, we're going to have to put you down, man. Oh, you're ugly. You look like a fucking horse. Go to the horse hospital. Why don't you get out of there? I'm sorry. We're going to have to put you down, man.

Oh, no, no. It's just my head. Where'd she go? The Royal Derby Hospital. Of course. Increasingly. It was only after she was referred to the local ear, nose, and throat clinic

for an hour-long examination that was intended to confirm the infection that the sickening truth of the problem became clear. Speaking to the Discovery Channel for a new documentary series titled Bugs, Bites, and Parasites, Ms. Harris said, My mom asked her, Can you see what it is?

And the doctor said, If you don't mind, I'd prefer to speak to the registrar before I tell you anything. Oh, that's not great news. No. She added, My mom said, Please tell us. And that's when

the doctor said, you've got maggots in your ear. I burst into tears instantly. I was very scared. I wondered if they were in my brain. I thought to myself, this could be serious. Mega brain. That's a very popular song, Mega Brain. Mega Brain, yeah. Eddie Hazel, man.

Funkadelic, rock and roll. Mother Earth is pregnant for the third time. Oh, my. I have knocked her up. Whoa. Came in Lake Michigan or something and got her pregnant? Wow. So this chick is just making all the rounds.

Because, Jackie, you saw her in a Netflix documentary. Mine was a different woman that also heard scratching inside her. She was in Brazil, and she had gotten a really bad horsefly bite, what she thought, on top of her head. When she came back to the United States, she couldn't sleep. She kept hearing things inside of her head, so she went to a psychiatrist to talk about it. She's like, I think that I'm starting to hear things.

When all of a sudden, the top of her head, there was a bulbous sack on top of her head, and she was like, oh my God, I have a tumor. She goes to the doctor, and doctor, the second touched it. And if it was Arnold Schwarzenegger, what did he tell her? It's not a tumor. Very good. You all just gave the people what they wanted.

You gave them what they wanted. Her head was filled with maggots. Oh, maggots. He goes, it is a bunch of maggots. It is maggots. I would rather have a tumor. That was the original line. I would rather have a tumor.

My mom used to work in a therapy office, like whirlpool therapy. And this guy came in, he had a big swollen foot. And they put him in the whirlpool. And out of the foot, a Band-Aid came off. And then the whirlpool and out of the foot a bandaid came off and then the whirlpool was then filled with bugs. And they were all just inside of his ankle. They were all just living inside of his foot and eating him from the

inside out and fucking living in there. There were cockroaches, ants, and different kinds of bugs? Like he was a retirement home in Boca Raton for these bugs? No, this is in Elizabeth, New Jersey. Like he was a retirement home in Boca Raton for these bugs? No, this is in Elizabeth, New Jersey. But he was the hospital. He was the home. He was the hotel

for these bugs. Yes. He ran an entire town. It's a small bug town. Yeah, my mom puked. She said it was great. She puked? Oh yeah. You got to. I think that if something like that happened to me, I would end my life. You'd never be able to sleep again. If something like that happened to me, I would end my life. You'd never be able to sleep again.

If something like that happened to you. First of all, he must have never showered because they would have eventually come out. Yeah, because it would drown, right? Yeah. If it happened to me, I'd be like, I'm still sexy. I got this. Suck my butt, dog. Of course you would. Marcus is fun.

You got to believe. Got to. Confidence is important. Yeah, especially if your ankle is full of bugs. Yeah. You got to believe. Got to. Confidence. Confidence is important. Yeah, especially if your ankle is full of bugs. Yeah. You got to really sell it. That's for sure. Jim, your body's full of bugs.

What are you going to do about it? Oh, he just came back from the bathroom. No, but I mean, that's a valid question. It's something I think about. He doesn't need context. Are we talking like internally? They're all up in you, man. All up in me?

Calling around, playing games of poker in there. Yeah, they take them over your forearm. I'm going to start trying to work out and better myself. There you go. All you got to do. I'm going to. I don't know, but do they eat the body's nutrients? Do they?

I mean, can you even get muscle? I mean, I know that back in olden days, and they actually still use, sometimes they use maggots to treat wounds. And they use leeches and things like that still. Yeah, they feed on the flesh of man. It's a circle of life. It certainly is.

Bedbugs are this. That's what I want to know. Would you rather have a couple of maggots in your brain or bedbugs? Well, listen to the rest of this woman's story, and you can judge for yourself. I don't know because I guess so. I love the idea of the maggots like turned her into like some sort of

math genius or something. She gets smarter. It's like phenomenon. Maggot style. It's sort of like when Homer Simpson got the crayons and shoved up his nose. Yeah. Well, the doctors immediately tried to remove the maggots from Ms. Harris' ear canal,

but the deeper they probed, the further the maggots went inside her head, eventually disappearing from sight. A brain scan was swiftly ordered to work out where the maggots were hiding and exactly how many of them were there, as concerns grew that more of them could reach the brain. Had the maggots done so, doctors were concerned that they could cause meningitis or even lead to fatal internal bleeding or partial paralysis

should they begin eating through nerves or blood vessels. Despite the terrifying possibilities, the brain scan revealed the maggots burrowing inside Ms. Harris' head had left much of the area untouched, only chewing a 12-millimeter hole in the ear canal. Chewing. They chewed it. They got to chew.

What else were they doing? Can't you put, like, a raw steak outside her ear for a while? Yeah, I'll just come out. Get them to move in the other direction. All right, well, you've been diagnosed to wear these steak muffs for about three weeks. Put a steak on one side and a barking dog at the other. That's hilarious.

That's fucking hilarious. It's a primitive medicine, but then again, you came to Derby Hospital, so we don't really know what we're doing. We're going to have to put you down. Can't wait to huff you

in your glue, baby. But I wonder, from the maggots' perspective, Marcus, they'd be like, we don't get brains so much. Yes, it's the same. I hope they like it. like the Luca caviar.

We never get brain. We never get brain. Do you think the bugs that were in that guy's ankle were trying to get to the brain and then they're just like, oh man. It's a tough place to start, that's for sure. They wanted to get to the dick, the dick meat. These were the one percenters of bugs.

If the brain is all the money and all the goods, it's tough to start in the ankle and work your way up. That's huge. Unless one cockroach learns how to rap or something. That felt racist. It felt racist. It's only racist if you give the cockroach a name. Why would that be racist at all?

It just felt so racist. You've been hanging out with Lee Camp too much. Bad whites. Well, doctors decided the best course of treatment to remove the maggots was to flood the air with olive oil. Unfortunately, the tactic failed, but the following day, doctors

were able to remove two living maggots that have been flushed closer to the entrance of the air. Olive oil isn't that far off from the steak idea. Yeah, exactly. So yeah, they removed the two, but concerned that there may be another maggot they might have missed. We started throwing some ranch dressing down there,

and then we tried some nice vinaigrette. They sedated her and conducted a full re-examination of her ear. They were shocked to discover a further eight living larvae that they dubbed, quote, a writhing mass of maggots. I can't. I'm on a puke. Yeah, man. Marcus, this is so fucking

gross, man. It happens. These stories are fairly common. Yeah, that's us, Johnny. We're holding a fucking mirror up to the world. Yeah, dude. You're fucking showing society mirror up to the wall. Yeah, dude. You're fucking showing society what they're really about. Yeah, man. This is a literal metaphor for something that's actually happening. Man, I fucking hate maggots.

They're so disgusting. Every single time I've seen a maggot, I want to fucking dress. This might be a really stupid question, but maggots are just the pupa of flies. So they would at some point become a fly in her brain. They would probably bore into her head enough where she would just eventually die.

Because they would get really fat. They'd be getting fat, they'd be eating more and more. They become flies though. What, do they cocoon up and become flies? Before you asked this question, I was going to ask, how do they reproduce? That was my question. They lay eggs.

It's the larva of the fly. That's what happened to this chick. Where was she at? What happened to her? Laboratory analysis found the larva had been laid by a New World Army screwworm fly.

Whoa! Are they going towards Iraq too? That sounds very political. New World Army Screw Worm Fly. Whoa, I'm sorry. What? Are they going towards Iraq, too, with the support of ISIS? That sounds very political. New World Order... That is somehow racist. Hold on. I might want to do that in a story.

On my new television show. It's a YouTube show. Say the name of it. It's not. It's on the American... But it goes to YouTube. I guarantee you more people watching it on YouTube

than on TV. I've never heard of the channel. I'll give than on TV. I've never heard of the channel. I'll give it a shot. I've never heard of the channel. No one's watching the channel. It doesn't matter. I'm really glad you're really proud of me, Ben. I am proud of you.

You have a web series. So does Murder Fist. No, we don't. No, we don't. Oh, but you're working on one. Yeah, we're working on a pilot project. All right, you're doing better than Murder Fist, John. I'm sorry. He's definitely doing better than Murderfist, John. I'm sorry.

He's definitely doing better than Murderfist. I just love that you guys get to divide money 12 ways. That's got to be really helpful for everybody. Not just money, but food, too. How do we keep getting food? Murderfist has a great plan to strike it rich. Hey, Murderfist, here's your drink ticket for the show. Good luck.

Split it away. You can be only one. Everybody gets an ounce. Person who gets a PBR. Marcus, what was the name of that fucking thing again? The New World Army Screw Worm Fly. God damn. I love Screw Worm, by the way.

Screw Worm Fly. They have to stop letting Alex Jones name these new ones. Seriously. It's called a Jew fly for sure. Oh, okay. There he is. Two's nails it. Two's nation.

Just got back from Germany. Here's a follow-up that won't pop as much. Did they let that screw worm fly into the Bilderberg group or something? Told you. Told something? Told you. Told you. Hey, how was Berlin, Jim? It was amazing. Tell them what I did for you. You hooked me up with shows. God damn

right. Yeah, he did. That's great, Johnny. You're such a good fucking person. I mean, but not at all. Tell them what I did for you. Tell them what I did for you. Tell them what I did for you. Oh, you hooked me up for shows? You hooked me up for shows in a non-English speaking country?

Oh my, thank you so much. That's great. Can you hook me up with a hostile show up on 96th Street next? I was being an ironic villain. John was like a legend there Because I was just like Yeah John F. O'Donnell Got me your info And I heard he was just here That's really cool

And then the one guy That booked the show That I ended up on Was like Yeah man He was great while he was here He's like a legend He walked three people

It was like Oh my god English speaking comedy show Where like English speakers are just like I want to hear somebody Speak in my native tongue about something funny. And John walked three people. Three of the five people that were there.

It was pretty awesome. Yeah, it was at the English Theater Berlin. And this woman who was stone-facing me the entire show, I think she was British or something, she goes, everything you're saying is offensive to everybody, to women, to Germans, to everybody, to women, to Germans, everybody. And I just really went off on her, like, really, in a really, really just hammer fucking style. And then she left, and I really clapped.

Good, man. I'm glad she left. And then afterwards, the Germans, you know, it's like, that made me very uncomfortable, but I found it interesting what you did. Are you telling me Germans sat through your speech and they felt uncomfortable after all the speeches they've sat through as people? John F. O'Donnell

was the only one for them to be like, uncomfortable. Do not like it. Wow. Berlin's a cool city though, man. Berlin's beautiful. Lots of funny people over there, funny comics. People while they fuck over there, right? What is it? SNL? Did you see a lot of that, SNM. No, Berlin's hot.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, did you see a lot of that, Jim, when you were with your family? Yeah, I was there. Yeah, Jim, did you guys hit up the underground Berlin SNM scene with your family? I'm like, hey, Dad, let's put everybody to sleep and take a trip through the red light district. Yeah, gimme, gimme, gimme. Let's see if we can get spanked together. The old bruisey twos Do not break eye contact

The Berlin stand up scene The Berlin stand up scene is fucking dope It was a lot of fun It was so much fun And they were so into it The show was in this weird basement That violated every fire code That America could have thought of

It's amazing There's like candles down there and people smoking spliffs. Yeah, yeah. I went into some fucking like pseudo-legal warehouse space and we're in there with a bunch of people, some dudes playing fucking rad industrial music before the show. Sounds like Bushwick.

It's what Bushwick wants to be. Berlin is what Bushwick, Berlin wants to be Bushwick. No, they say these neighbors, they like to make this comparison. It pisses people off. They're like, Kreuzberg is like Williamsburg

and New Corn is like Bushwick. So everybody can have that. Fuck those Nazi cocksuckers. I don't know. Hey, listen. Jesus Christ! Listen, Ed, I'm Jewish, all right? You're not Jewish.

You're not Jewish. You're Irish! O'Donnell! O'Donnell! I'm Jewish, all right? You're not Jewish. You're not Jewish. You're Irish. Oh, Donald! I'm going to fucking stab you. My mother's maiden name is Leibowitz. It's true. Just like the fucking Irish to come in and lie on the podcast.

No Irish to reply. The blacks of Europe, as they say. Well, that's not actually as they say it, but that's what it is. I fucked a hundred wives. All right, let's move on to another story, Mark. Yo, Holden's like psychotic. He's awesome. He's the best. I own nine guns and I love to shoot them wives.

What the fuck? Next story. An elderly vandal led police on a 300-meter chase on a toy scooter after scrawling graffiti across the police station. I love this guy. What did he scrawl? Police intercepted the man a few blocks from the station after spotting the 61-year-old spraying Kingy Boys Rule and Dumb Cops in orange paint

on the building early yesterday morning. He got a 61-year-old man. He painted the fuck out of this police station. Yes, he did. Oh, he crossed off the name of the police station.

I mean, these are some lazy dumb cops. He was on a scooter. Yes, 61 years old. And by the way, he was on a pedal scooter, right? Yeah, he was on a fucking like... It took him 300 meters to catch him? How fat and slow are these cops?

That's more than three football fields. That is a 10-foot race. That's 10 feet to catch the kid on the kid bike. The old man on the kid bike. I pictured a guy on a jazzy, like when you said scooter, I pictured an old guy. Like a Vespa? Yeah. No, no, like when you said scooter, I pictured an old guy. Like a Vespa? Yeah. No, no, like those elderly.

Oh, yeah. A rascal. A rascal. No, this was a toy scooter, most likely a Razor. Oh, my God. Oh, you can go pretty fast on those with the roller blade wheels. Yeah, you can go fast on those. It is true.

My little cousin broke her arm on a Razor, so I'm against them. Is that your way of saying your little cousin cuts herself? What? No. Jesus, Johnny. You know his little cousin was just in the house. Oh, that's the thing? Yeah.

The plan works cutter joke? Yeah. You know his little cousin. What are you guys, three-eyed blind fans? All right. Three-eyed blind. Third-eyed blind. Anyway, I just want to forecast the story makes me love America.

And also, why'd they call him elderly? 61? Man, I'm telling you, this is not America. No, Kingy Boys. It must be... This is Australia. This makes me dislike Australia because I thought it was America, and now I feel insecure. I just want to apologize to the listeners for that wrist-cutting joke.

I also want to apologize for you being all stupid fucking idiots. You are such a fucking cocksucker. I live in a palace of lies. See what happened right there? The wrist-cutting thing, Holden just lost three Holdenators. He's feeling insecure that his numbers are down to seven. Well, despite his age, the man put up quite a fight, injuring two officers while they tried to arrest him, with Detective Inspector Brendan Cullen saying one officer suffered

a shoulder injury. One of the officers will be off work for one week with a shoulder injury. These are bad cops. I mean, this guy's 61. I'm proud of him. And the female officer suffered some grazes to her hand. He says the reason why he went to these links... Grazes to her hand?

Grazes to her hand. That's not a thing. That doesn't... He says the reason why he went to these links, I'm not completely sure, but needless to say, the actions we're alleging are quite irrational, particularly with police being in the building at the time. Yeah, but he tagged nearly every side of the building. He tagged every side of the building, yeah.

These are bad. They should all be fired. If he would have just tagged one side and scooted on out of there, he would have been 900 meters away before they even picked up on it, and he would have been fine. But look, the lawn isn't even kept up.

This is like a fucking ramshackle police room. It's all Australia. I blame the autoblow, too. I can't believe that there's grass. For some reason, they've got a whole ramshackle It's Australia. I blame the autoblow too. For some reason they got a whole shipment of autoblow twos. They put an illegal supply of autoblow twos and they're like, well, better try them out. Crime has been rampant ever since.

And this guy is smart too. There was no CCTV footage of the incident as the man had spray painted all cameras prior to committing the offense. Wow. Some Australian stupid thing. The man had spray painted all cameras prior to committing the offense. Wow. Yeah. God. What a kingy boy. Some Australian stupid thing.

Yeah, probably a gang or... Sort of tell us what it is. You write it and let us know what a kingy boy is. How sad would it be if he was just trying to get initiated into the gang? He's like... At 61. 61 years old, just like, hope they let me in. No, when you retire from being a bus driver, you know, you have to have something to do.

Might as well join the hot new gang in town. Yeah. What's a kingy boy, Marcus? Anything with him? I'm trying to figure it out. I think he might just be crazy. I mean, it could be just some obscure as fuck gang that doesn't, you know, they don't use computers. It could be a gang he was trying to start.

Also, I like that he wrote boys with a Z. Yeah. It's really classy. 61, man. I'm proud of this guy. And then, what was the other thing? Dumb cops? Just dumb cops.

I don't know the thing to write. It's sort of pedophilic, though. I mean, a 61-year-old guy being like, Kingy boys rule. I mean, that's kind of strange in a lot of ways. I don't know if he's attracted to them or... He's living young, man. You never have to grow up.

Forever young? You never have to get a real job. You can just die alone in the street. I think that's probably going to happen to him. Is it more than... I like Holden's best case scenario. Fingers crossed. I hope if I'm a good boy, I die alone in the street.

Well, if he plays this card like he's playing him now. He will. There's going to be plenty of street for you, buddy. Do you get in more trouble if you vandalize a police station as opposed to a random building? Well, he's being charged

with malicious actions. He's being charged with assaulting a police officer. Oh, yeah. That's the motherfucker. Yeah, he's got two charges of assault on an officer. So that's going to be bad. Well, first of all, charges of assault on an officer, so that's

going to be bad. Well, first of all, they should have just beat his ass. They obviously tried. He beat up both of them. Yeah, he did. He will appear in Tweedhead's local court on June 30th. Oh, Tweedhead's local court? I guess he's already appeared. I hope it's not the Hawaiian theme Mondays

they always have for Tweedhead's local court. Is there a picture of this guy? Did he have a record before? Like, he hates cops. I don't know. It didn't say. I don't even have his name. Is he on Twitter?

Probably is. Yeah, Google Kingy Boys rule. I just feel like I'm covered in bugs after that story. I'm so fucked. I hate it. It's not bugs on the outside you have to worry about. It's bugs on the inside. The creepiest thing so far was Holden talking about butter and ants all over his face.

I had ants in my bed. That was a nightmare. That's actually a true sentence. Yeah, not too long ago because they were coming in because my window is above where the garbage is. So we had an infestation. And my bed is a cookie. They were coming in through the window, going across my nightstand table,

and I woke up with fucking ants in my bed. I talked to the super, and they got it taken care of. There's no more ants. That was a nightmare. Next to you. You didn't tell me about this earlier? You weren't around, or you were drunk. Same thing.

Same thing. Same thing. Don't bring it up on Father's Day. But as soon as that is happening, you can't not, when you're trying to sleep, feel like you have ants crawling all over you, even if there are no ants crawling all over you and you're constantly checking because it's just the way that you just feel that

all over your body as soon as the idea of it is in your head. It's a goddamn nightmare. Have you ever killed a pregnant spider before? Yep. Oh, no. Killed one in my bedroom in Tallahassee. Smashed this huge banana spider and had a sack of baby spiders inside of it.

And spiders went everywhere in my room. Oh, you didn't kill the other spiders? What? You didn't kill the baby spiders while you were there? There were millions of them. They were scattered everywhere. It happened to me once, too. Oh, my God.

And they were in my room. And I was like, well, buy clothes, buy everything inside of my room. I'm not going in there for a really long time. So what'd you do? You vomit? No, no, no. I just closed the door and I put a towel underneath the door and figured it would just set itself out.

And I just slept in my boyfriend's place for like two months. Two months? You just let him sublease your apartment? What? He lived across the street. It was great. No, it was the spiders. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

They had the room. You and spiders. Wow. Yeah, man. That's crazy. I remember when I killed mine, it was fucking nuts. It was in a Seneca house. Luckily, it was in my tub.

Oh, that's convenient. It was like actually, yeah, I flushed them all down, man, but I felt like I was in a fucking tool video. That's crazy. I've never seen it. I still have nightmares about it. I hate it and I hate when people post up vids of that shit, like when I'm, you know, on Reddit or whatever. It's disgusting.

There was that thing going around on Facebook for a while. They're like, look, you think it's a pile of dust but what is it? And I was like, sure, I'm fucking drunk. And it was just like he touched it, and it was millions of spiders that went everywhere. And I was like, why? Why would you post this? But spiders are actually good creatures because they eat the bugs that bite you.

I love spiders. Spiders aren't that bad. They rarely bite humans. I always, in Tallahassee, I always had like one big spider I'd keep outside and wouldn't fuck with and just let it collect. For the mosquitoes. Yeah, collect mosquitoes. That's a great idea. You've got to keep an outdoor spider.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, man. Ed Larson had a pet spider in Tallahassee, Florida. It made it through a hurricane. Really? The web did as well? Yeah, the web, yeah. Unbelievable.

Let's talk about that. The walking through a web you didn't see. Nightmare. Walking in a web you didn't see Nightmare I'll be honest I like that song more than I feel comfortable admitting publicly I'll never forget when I got that That's off the Tragic Kingdom album

That was a good album Fuck everybody who says otherwise I like that fucking song right there It's a fine album It's all garbage I mean for garbage I like it My friend Pete bought Pantera. I mean, for garbage, I like it. My friend Pete bought Pantera, Far Beyond Driven.

My other friend bought Sepulchera's album, and I bought Tragic Kingdom. And we put them in my friend's three-disc CD player, which in 1996 was about the coolest fucking thing you could have. Oh, you had rich friends? Oh, yeah, exactly. And we just put put random and every time No Doubt came on

they just beat the shit out of me so it would be like it would literally be like you know fucking Pantera like far beyond driven and just like

super fucking heavy shit and then like and I'll call you back and then it would be like just fucking destroying my fucking shit was it worth it? that's hilarious

I did like some of those songs. I also like Pantera and Sepultura though, you know, but either way. No doubt it's definitely closer to getting laid than Sepultura and Pantera. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. A different type of laid, bro. Just a different type of woman.

Alright, and now it's time for a segment from Old McNeely. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's another summer festival. Go to the museum. Let me get at him. Let me grab it, grab it, grab it. Get at the girl. And throw a beer can at him.

All right. Thank God. I'll stop singing this segment song. I've heard your requests loud and clear. Oh, my God. That was great, Ed. Thank you, Ed. Don't worry, because tonight, Doggy's still going to hide his bone in a lovely lady. So we'll talk about that at the end.

Outdoor Summer Festivals. Marcus owns a production company that does outdoor summer festivals, but he needs a good, fun, wee idea, yay idea for it. Exactly. The noise that he made. I will start with my outdoor festival idea. It is a mummy festival. Ooh.

So this is what we do. You can't wear any other clothes, but just wrap yourself up in toilet paper. Go out into the middle of the hottest day of the year. Everyone goes out, dudes and women. We get like, it's all just big sweaty barbecue. Egyptian themed. We'll have dogs and umbrellas. You hang out and as the

day wears on, you're getting sweatier and sweatier because we're having jumping competitions and things like that. Then the toilet paper just starts sweating through. Everyone's just slowly getting fucking naked as fuck. They're just sweating through their fucking toilet paper right because we're having like who can run the longest you know and shit like that right and like fun bands like the jump boys go jump jump jump jump

jump get dump dump and one of those guys and then by the end of it everybody's just naked as fuck and then we're talking about fucking just hard rods, wet ass fucking women and gang straight. Everybody's fucking sucking, rocking, flipping, dogging each other, man. Yeah. How much? Huh? How much does it cost? Two dollars.

But if you want a fucking lamb's leg, that's going to cost you 25 bucks. That's the only food they serve. Lamb's leg. And so, yeah, we're sweating through. Dude, once the nighttime hits, we light the bonfire. Fucking everybody, there is no more toilet paper to be seen. We'll try to collect the cum in a bucket, and we'll throw it on the mayor at the end. All right. That's mine. What's it called? and a bucket and we'll throw it on the mayor at the end. Alright.

That's mine. What's it called? Mummy Festival. Stutters included. Yeah. Mummy Festival. That's what it's called. Holy shit.

Brought to you by Holden and Marcus Co. Yeah. One to beat, ladies and gentlemen. Holy shit! That sounds fucking great. Fuck! That was amazing! And sounded prepared. Okay. My festival, my Alpador Festival,

we're gonna call it Starting a Nation Within a Nation. How about that? We all get together. Sounds like a terrorist organization. DC's changed you, man. It has, man. I hate the people there so much.

They're just these fucking white bread uptight... You gotta hang out with the blacks. Fucking pig fucker motherfuckers. Okay, should I back to the festival? Yeah. Back to the festival. Okay, so basically what we do is acknowledge

that the two-party system has been bought and sold by corporations. Will there be beer added? There will at least be beer added. So we're not into the fiat currency anymore because it's not backed by gold since Nixon. Can there be some beer? Is there any music at this festival? Yeah, Rage Against the Machine.

We're getting them back together. Anyway, so then we try to legitimize our own new form of cryptocurrency. Great. Because Bitcoin's already been co-opted by the elites. Yes, it has. Yes, it has. Then, we put all of this toilet paper all over

us, and we start drinking a lot of mad beers, right? What's it called? Throughout the whole day, and then we all get naked, and we all fuck. It's $2. It's called Overthrow the Government Festival. That's actually a great name for a festival. It's pretty sweet. It's called Overthrow the Government Festival. That's actually a great name for a festival.

That's pretty sweet for a festival. But seriously, like in the first episode of Redacted Tonight, we covered like the NSA, the Koch brothers, Monsanto. That's awesome, Johnny. That's really good. It does seem like

you just found out about all this stuff yesterday. Just because you're upset about it still. I'm not upset. Redacted Tonight, by the way, needs to be redacted as a name. Redacted Tonight is the worst name I've ever heard for a show. This is the worst idea to come on here and plug

this. Redacted tonight. It sounds like it should be hosted by a duck or something. All of you guys have watched it, right? Oh, yeah. You know, I've seen it multiple times. Many times. Many episodes.

It's a really good fucking show. I personally beat my TV with a hammer. So I... I watched that one six times. Ed's TV is a dog by the way but don't tell that to the TV it hates and shits all over the floor when you tell it it's a fucking dog

alright Kissel what do you got what's your summer fest we'll do like a weird Al Spankovich and then he eats a fucking watermelon on stage for the whole festival like it's a big pussy and at the end he smashes it with a large hammer and then fucking front stain

performs and it's a whole big fun night and the porta potties people are like all upset about the porta potties because they come full of shit because there was never a time when they were clean and then people shit on top of that shit and they piss on top of that piss so within hour one of the festival it's a total shit show and and it's a totally messy mess.

And then everybody does a bunch of drugs and slides around in Dookie. Cool. And then all the proceeds. And then Limp Bizkit plays. So it's Woodstock 99. Yeah, that was pretty much it. Which I went to. Which I went to, Marcus.

You went to it? Yeah. It was terrible. Yeah. Woodstock 99? I did. I went. Woodstock 99? I did. I went to Woodstock 99 with all the fires and stuff and everything like that. That's wild.

I remember seeing a dude that climbed up some sort of tower and there was just like flames all around him on the ground. And like pizza cost $12 and water cost $8. It was awesome. It was so crazy and corporate, which I think is unfortunate. And what's really cool about Redacted Tonight is we're not monetizing. Oh, my. Advertising. We're a corporation corporations so we can talk about that.

Jim, what do you got for us? Nobody wants to sponsor the show. Alright. Hear me out. Also, what's cool about Kissel's Festival, all the money raised goes to bring awareness to the prison industrial complex.

That would actually probably be the case. Damn. It's called FedoraCon. Jason Mraz on the main stage. Oh, wow. The guy from Smash Mouth also on the main stage. What's his name? I don't know.

It's actually the guy from Schumann's Round. It's just all bands whose primary members wear fedoras. Oh, very well. Yeah, that's the whole festival. Okay, I'll give you an alternate festival. I like that one. It's called the Cut-Off Festival. Everybody brings a pair of jeans, and then at at the festival they cut them into shorts.

And you bring a canned food item for a charity. Very nice. Very nice. I like that. The cut-off fest. Canned food. That sounds great.

Where'd you guys meet? At cut-off fest 2014. We broke brought beans. That's why we got together. We both had a pair of 501s and some chicken soup. We both had the same 501s and the same can of beans.

It was meant to be. Julia, what is your festival idea? Everyone is in their own individual baby pool and the baby pools are all adjacent to each other

and it's like the inflatable one so you can just like roll over into the person next to you and probably like no doubt cover bands are playing

and also the bionic dildos for sure and hell yeah and that's pretty much it I love that frontal stains got iced out

oh no yeah they're busy doing the other festival yeah yeah I think three eyes blind will be there and hell yeah and that's pretty much it I love that frontal stains got iced out frontal stains are doing weird they're busy doing the other festival yeah yeah I think Three Eyes Blind will be there I'm in third do you think that

the No Doubt cover bands are called Some Doubt Some What Doubt yeah sort of doubted kind of doubting I don't know

Shadow of a Doubt Shadow of a Doubt Tragic Kingdom that's the name of the No Doubt cover band that's famous. I think it's just called Tragic Kingdom. Yeah. Good for them.

Well, if anybody knows, it's bad. I would know. Big fan. My festival is going to be called... Hold on. Wait. The festival is called Baby Poo-loo-looza. Okay, go ahead.

Oh, that's good. Baby Poo-loo-looza. I'm really glad because that was the icing on the cake for that. Oh, and by the way, the No Doubt cover bands are No Duh and Don't Speak. Oh, Don't Speak's a good name. No, we're getting a different one. It should be called Don't Sing. Am I right?

No Duh. Yeah, No Duh. Jackie? Boot Shootin' Boogie. Hey! So we go out in the middle of nowhere. I'm going to say New Mexico or just over the border. Fresno?

Of Mexico. Or I guess Fresno. So you get a big open field and you bring your sick animals and you bring your sick relatives and you bring anyone you know that's fucking sick. And you get a bunch of fucking guns and you shoot them in the hand. And then afterwards you have a big bonfire. You got an Everly Brothers cover band. And they're going, gee.

As you fucking set them all on fire. And then you fucking eat the shit out of them. I love that. That's going to have to be in Mexico. Yeah, right, Mexico. Let it sway you. Remember what the mummy did. I mean, you're all going to fuck after that because you fucking killed a bunch of shit.

Yeah, the dog's not in your bed anymore. The house is open. That was so amazing. That. Yeah, the dog's not in your bed anymore. Jack will embark on it. That was so amazing. That was so beautiful. Jack is always the best at these. Jackie and Ed does very well with these, too. Well, let's see if he can outdo the doo-doo. Pressure's on Ed.

All right, so it's going to be called Big Ed's Funky Rare Meats Festival. And what it is, it's going to be all funk you know a whole bunch you know just lots of funk music like plural funk stages you can't not watch funk and if you're not watching funk you're watching like New Orleans fucking street music it's going to be badass dancing around

titties swinging alright then whenever you feel like not watching funk which is ridiculous you get to try out some rare-ass meats that no one's ever ate. We're talking, we're going to eat panther. We're going to have, like, a lot of the big cats are going to be served. That sounds great. Will there be bone marrow?

Oh, yeah, of course. Yeah, but people have eaten that before. The panther. I don't think I've ever heard anyone eat that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Panther, jaguar. Liger, something like that. If we can get one.

Yeah. Bobcat. You know, that'd be nice. You know what I gotta do is we're gonna scour the country all like, you know, we're gonna find zoos that aren't doing too well and just buy their animals and fucking cook them. So you also have a lot of dying animals coming to your festival to be killed? Well, no. We're going to kill them before they get there. Oh, okay. Age the meat

properly when people show up. I like 35 day age. Can we get some baboon meat in there too? Absolutely. A lot of monkey meat. There's going to be a lot of monkey meat. We're going to be eating poopy. We're going to be having donkey meat. Yeah, and we're going to have, you know, name an animal. You know what?

No shark fin though. I love that. No dolphin. We're going to snake on a stick. Will there be a weird bug tent? You can eat some weird bugs in the weird bug tent. We'll put it down the block. You can go to that lady's house and fucking eat the bugs out of her head.

Lots of funk. We're going to have Trombone Shorty, Funkadelics playing. I'm going to try to get Sly and the Family Stone back together. I don't know. I got Sly, but I don't know about the family. That's great. And then Pearl Jam's going to play, but they're just going to do all funk music or give them a horn section.

That sounds great. And they're going to do all Pearl Jam set, but just all funk style. And then the Chili Peppers are going to be cool again. Wow. I would love that. That's a very tall

order. You're going back to Mother's Milk, man. That's a tall order. Funkiest white band ever, man. I swear to God. For like four albums. That's a lot of albums. We're going to eat a lot of weird things. I mean, that's the only one that's making money.

That's the one people are going to go to. You think people don't want to see Smash Mouth? Honestly, they probably would. They probably would go. I mean, there could be some people coming to Can I add ICP to my lineup? We'll see. Now, if you add ICP to it then you're just talking about a Juggalo gathering.

Yeah, we're just talking about gathering of loaves. Oh, that's what I'll just do. Yeah. My festival has just been changed to a Juggalo gathering. No, ICP is going to be there not to perform, just to attend. Yeah. Guests of honor. Guests of dishonor.

Those pieces of shit. Well, I mean, the Rare Meats Festival is definitely going into production. However, the Mummy Festival. Yes! That's great as well. But however. No! Boot, scoot, fucking.

Boot, scoot, fucking. That is the one that needs to come to me. That's the state of America right now. Death over fucking. That's all I got to say. Well, no, no, no. The fucking and the coming comes after the death. The coming and the death.

You have to fuck after you kill someone. Marcus, you're not ready to fight the international and military industrial complex? No condoms at my festival either. No condoms? Not allowed to bring them. You can't fuck the rare meat with condoms? No, no. You have to bareback it.

All right. I can't wait to eat gorilla. condoms? No, no, you have to bareback it. All right. I can't wait to eat gorilla. Okay, well, is that there then? That's the round table, Jackie, Eddie, Holden. Thank you so much, Julia, for being here. What's your Twitter, Julia? It's at Julia Johns, but the O is a zero because Julia Johns was taken. Oh, okay.

And your show, you have a monthly show, correct? No, they canceled it. They did. You canceled it. Well, get back to you in the fall. It's true. Jim Tooze. Undone Sweaters.

Jim Tooze, J-I-M-T-E-W-S, and yeah, I mean, the Undone Sweaters, which is a Weezer. We didn't even talk about it. It's so good. Weezer cover band. So good. And our fifth episode, which is our series season finale. You didn't even put your own band in your festival. We don't wear fedoras.

We're not assholes. Can the Cowmen headline your festival, Jackie? Of fucking course. That's pathetic. You just financed your way into a festival. You bought your fucking, you're a piece of shit. That's how it works. And then John F. O'Donnell and watch Redacted tonight on

what, RT RT RT America Just watch it on YouTube And you got an album Just came out right I do yeah What's it called Where can they buy it iTunes

People are singing and stuff I Soundtrack You can go to Live from Outer space Dot com And download my album

For free And redact it Tonight It's free Yeah Just pay what you want Live from outer space Free download of and download my album for free and redact it tonight. It's free? Yeah, pay what you want. Live from outer space, free download of John F. O'Donnell's album.

Go do it. And my Twitter is TheRealJFod. TheRealJFod. TheRealJFod, redact it tonight every Friday at 8 at Redact It Tonight on Twitter. You can watch it on YouTube and please fucking support the show. We're trying our best. Hell yeah.

So Marcus, we'll edit out everything John just said? That's fine with me. At RT of gentlemen, at Ben Kissel. At Murder Fist. At What's Next Ed. With the underscores. I gotta change that. No, it doesn't matter.

I like What's Next Ed. I like your Twitter name, by the way, Ed. I don't like it. Be confident with it. Get it out of here. It's hot. Fucking ass. Let's go eat some bugs.

Bugs. Get them in your brain.