The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 202: Chicken Rocks

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

Today on the Round Table: a woman is sentenced to life in prison for valuing the life of baby ducks over that of a motorcyclist, a 98 year old woman suffocates her 100 year old roommate with a plastic bag, and a man chases a goat off a cliff. Joining us today: Henry Zebrowski, Kellen Maloney, and a special secret surprise guest.

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay out, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Um, oh, do I have to start the show? I usually prompt the person to pray, but I have to Alright, well, let's start the show then. Five out of six times you do that, but yeah, today you pray.

Today I pray. Just talk to yourself. Treat yourself better than you normally treat yourself. I don't know if you can do that. Well, I find that I am doing great, me, and thank you so much for being me, me, and amen. Let's start it over. Let's start it all over. All right.

I smoked a vaporizer. When? Outside. I was watching the World Cup. It was the only goddamn way to make that stupid sport exciting. Goddamn. Fuck soccer. What do they bet?

I don't want to play any sport where someone with no hands could be better than me. I agree. No, you still need hands to balance. The only way that would work if you put a fucking weight on the top of his head. He's got a big head full of fucking weights, no arms, and two powerful legs. If you don't have arms, you've got a big fat head. Yeah, but you've just got to even out the nubs. If you have even nubs, you've got to put them arms somewhere.

Yeah. Put them in your head. Put them in your head. If you have even nubs, you just... You got to put them arms somewhere. Yeah. Put them in your head. Put them in the head. I bet he's got a big old dick. Who? No arms? Yeah. No, no.

Too heavy in the bottom. No, no. Got to be heavy on the top. He hasn't gotten his chance to stretch it out yet. It's probably all scrunched up in him. That's not how it works, Eddie. Genetics. It's puberty.

You really think a penis grows by pulling on it a bunch? Yeah. I know. No, it didn't, Ed. Good. I kept on pushing mine in, and it still became massive. I'm serious. The first time I ever jacked up, I pushed it in a bunch.

Yeah? Yeah, it kind of worked. First time? Yeah, first time. Well, it got it hard. So are you going to pray? I did. Oh, okay.

I thought you were going to restart. Amen. Oh. All right. Welcome to the round table of gentlemen, everybody. I mean, we all know what. Amen. Oh. All right. Welcome to the round table of gentlemen, everybody. I mean, we all know what prayers are. Dear God, whatever. Thanks for Jackie's tits and butts and stuff like that.

Amen. All right. That was nice. That was nice. That's maybe the nicest thing Ben's ever said to you. Yeah, my tits and my butts. That's good. I did give you multiple butts, but that's fine.

All right. Welcome to the round table, everybody. Jackie's here with both of her butts. Jackie's here with multiple butts. Jackie is here, and I'm looking at an Injun wearing a bear. Injun wearing a dead bear. Ben is wearing a Native American theme shirt with a bear and a dream catcher on it. I did not realize he was going to start the show off racist. I do want to clarify.

I said Injun is not racist. That's how they say their people. I don't think they do. I don't know clarify I said Injun is not racist that's how they say their people I don't think they do I don't know and they're always drunk they have to be because so they don't remember their history my land are we all Injuns

is that really why you're barefoot today I'm barefoot because I went to a store in Brooklyn, New York. It specialized in African American footwear. And I thought I might be able to buy a size 14 there because it was a sports store.

And the only thing they had for me was a size 12 Converse because Converse run big. And that was the biggest shoe in the house? Converse runs big. It was a basketball store. Converse is like, hold on for dear life.

It's like the Statue of Liberty's feet sitting here next to me, this fucking tall piece of shit. Yeah, he's wearing a fucking dress, you fucking piece of shit. What happened? Ed, you're here too. How you doing, buddy? What's going on? Good to see you, Ben. Good to see you.

Thank you very much. My foot's bleeding. See, guys, that's how it's done. He's not wearing shoes. His fucking feet are bleeding because he got punished in that small shoe. I have huge feet. I have small shoes. No, because I went to the fucking, I went to the basketball store.

I would have went to a different store. You should know by now, if you need shoes, you'd just be wrapping your feet in fucking bubble tape like how you'd move be wrapping your feet in fucking bubble tape like how you'd move a giant statue. How fucking tall you are. That's enough. Everyone's having a good time but me. Holy Lord. Alright. Holdenators, ho!

See what happens when you stop talking. Welcome back to my domain. Get it in your brain. I just want to thank all my Holdenators out there For staying dumb and staying fun And the summer rum baby We're gonna get fucking liquid today dude Oh yeah

I'm getting fucking hairy and brown brother How's everything going with Unlimited Lives? You talk to them all the time? Yeah the beef is still on you know Cause they didn't invite me after they invited me the first time To come on the podcast And it's like oh what you're not gonna invite me after they invited me the first time to come on the podcast and it's like, oh, what? You're not going to invite me again? So beef remains fucking chunky

and fucking in between two buns. All right. Sitting in for Kevin Barnett. I'm not done asking for my allegiance. I mean, please. They don't have any. First of all, you shouldn't have to beg, man. All right. Well, please, people, allegiance

me. I love you. if you would come to my domain the whole point is that you tell them to fuck off and you say stop listening i don't like our listeners but i like my holdenators they're my sweet little cupcake bat piece of shit fuckers yeah holdenators they turn on the podcast but like fucking yeah put their head in it's only when they're ruining a surgery. They're busted in. They're put it on their headphones and they walk through a hospital, busted into surgery rooms and ruining surgery.

Yeah. Where's the knife? Give me the knife. All my Holdenators, man. Get tough and eat that muff. Great. That is really nice and I'm so happy we included you on the show. And if you're gay, hey, I'm into that too.

Great. That's wonderful. Sitting in for Kevin Barnett. Papa Riri. Papa Riri knows how to Riri relax. Papa Riri. This is your name, Papa Riri? Papa Riri. Riri stands for relax. And all I do all day is... Not for retarded.

Relax so much you're retarded. I relax myself retarded, yes, and that is my liberty. That is what I am allowed to choose. That's a good point. I spend all day. You spend the day with Papa Riri, you got to know. Yeah, he starts with his shirt buttoned all the way up to the top, but by the end of the day, he's got no fucking clothes on.

I mean, it does seem like you would be covered in dookie. Yeah. Papa Riri is quite a disturbing name. Because Papa Riri is an easygoing guy, and he doesn't care what be covered in dookie. Yeah. Papa Riri is quite a disturbing name. Because Papa Riri is an easygoing guy, and he doesn't care what kind of fucking dookie he's covered in because he is on a vacation from his vacation. Jackie, Ed, how would you describe this shirt that Henry's wearing? I would say maybe you should button it back up. What are you talking about?

Henry's wearing a shirt with a bunch of acorns on it. Yeah, acorns. And it's unbuttoned. It's nice. Acorns is solid tree cum. Oh, acorns. And it's unbuttoned. It's nice. Acorns is solid tree cum. Oh, my God. I've heard that before. I feel like I'm in

Lighthouse Point, Florida. Yeah, that's how I feel. 20-fo-7. When you pop a re-re. Oh, July's coming up. That's a hot month. Enjoy yourself. So we'll just restart

the whole opening. Uh-huh. Good Lord. Papa re-re. That's the worst character you've ever come up with. It's not a character. So we'll just restart the whole opening. Good Lord. Papa Riri. That's the worst character you've ever come up with. It's not a character. No, at least Papa Riri wasn't like, I know every time I try to fuck a dog,

the dog starts barking and my mom comes in. That's funny. That's funny stuff. Papa Riri's spooking me out. Yeah. Oh, that says a lot. All right. Andy is here.

Andy, you're Holden's friend from way back in the day. You ready to get fired from your job, Andy, for being on the show? I can't wait. That's great. I know everyone's listening. Andy, how long have you known Holden for? 20 years. Something like that. 20 years. And when that. 20 years.

And when was the first time you met him? I don't even know. Middle school, maybe. Not memorable. Not memorable. We crossed swords in the bathroom. Yeah, I remember that. We got in a fight on the playground.

You guys showed each other's dicks as boys? Yeah. And yesterday. Yeah. Andy, how did you get to be so much more attractive than Holden, though? Didn't you grow up using a drink? I got plastic surgery in Los Angeles. Ah, that's nice. A lot of work done. He used to be so much more attractive than Holden though, didn't you? I got plastic surgery in Los Angeles. A lot of work done.

He used to be big. He used to be fat. But Andy, we're not here to talk about you. How fat did Holden get? He's fine. You remember when you were fat, Andy? Leave him alone. Holden's the ugly one. He's handsome now. Beautiful.

If you listeners were here, you'd be creaming all over fucking Andy Seams right now. Oh, absolutely. I'd be ankle deep in some fucking vagina juice right now. So, Andy, you were fat growing up. You did sound like a lesbian trucker just then. Well, he looks like one, too. Andy, you were fat in middle school and holden was uh attractive which is hilarious um i don't think it was attractive he was just skinny he was

skinny i wasn't even skinny back then i got skinny in college oh no what happened no actually i got skinny up here for one year so andy at some point in your life girls were like if you only looked like holden i would be with you. No. No. Thank God. Okay, thank God. I've talked to her. I didn't kiss a girl until college. Okay. But now...

That girl was a mannequin he stole from the TJ Metz. That girl was a former Miss Arkansas. Oh, Arkansas? Yeah. It doesn't matter. She was a beaver. She was a racist fatty. Yeah.

What were you going to say, Andy? No, I'm in the phase now where I run into people from high school and they go, oh, you look great, but I'm already married and have children. That's awesome. Man, that must feel so good. Yeah. When they see Holden, they say, hey, Holden, I'm already married and I have children, so we don't have to talk at all.

I am fully in love with my spouse, Holden. Okay, goodbye. I'm fucking scuba diving in some fucking pussy right now. I put the goggles on. I put the fucking little squirt tube on. I'm fucking scuba diving. You're already sweating. It's not even hot.

Who else is here, Ben? I wish I wasn't. Could I remove myself? Alright, Kellen is here as well. Kellen Maloney from Murder Fist. Also taught. Also. Very taught.

Well, Kellen's the most attractive member of Murder Fist, and there's no doubt about it. I appreciate that, man. Thank you. But you never see him. But you never see him. The rest of us, our personalities are very attractive. I actually think Kellen has a great personality. He does.

He does as well. Did you receive any sexy floggings this weekend? I banged that model. You had sex with a model? Yeah. Kellen fucked a model. Really? How was he? It was alright. It was good. What does he model for? I don't know. He's just a model. He was very thin of bone.

I don't think that he actually hit the floor when he walked. I think he just elevated himself. They accidentally gave him a very deep bear hug and he has very thin bones. Why did you hug him? I don't know. I'm not just going to throw him around

there and test the waters. I was pretty hammered. I was stress testing his rib cage. He's a model. You've got to hug a model if you see him. Stoned into another dimension the other day. That's great. He's so hot you just see him as like a vampire type, huh? Just floating on a cloud.

You can't see him in mirrors. Wow. Good for you. And he put it in you or you put it in him? I mean, the details are not specific. Doubles, huh? Doubles. We all know Kevin or Kellen Gibbs.

We all know Kellen Gibbs. Did you kick the field goal or did you receive the punt? Roll MVPs in the bedroom. Receiving the punt sounds like the worst thing to do. It sounds entirely too accurate. Really? Oh, yeah, baby, you ready to receive the punt? Oh, God.

Actually, I guess kicking a field goal would be titty fucking. Yeah, I guess so. Oh, yeah. I think so. Well, you can't do that to a male model. Oh, the touchdown? The uprisers. Yeah, I guess so. Oh, yeah. Why? Well, you can't do that to a male model. Oh, the touchdown? The uprisers. No, no, no.

Punting was more like if she just lays on her back and you try to come into her mouth. Yeah, that's great. Every woman has been punted before. Believe me.

Daddy's done it, baby. Daddy's fucking done it. I thought like titty fucking would be called but going like bumper car bumping. Yeah. Go reddering. Go bumper car bumping. Go Redderin.

Go bumper car bumping, huh? What else do they do? Did you win a job at the brokerage firm is what we're asking. We're all CEOs. Kellen Maloney, the only member of Murderfist to fuck anybody attractive. I think that's wonderful.

You all have girlfriends and boyfriends. I know. That's what I'm basing the fucking sentence off of. I'm not going in here without evidence. I can't talk about my girl anymore, man. She started listening to the podcast again. I received the texts and stuff. It's just like, what is this?

This isn't going to help then, Holden. You just talked about her. She, I beloved to you and your whole essence. Let's do a story. Stories. He's losing his fan. Yeah, man, you're a piece of shit. By the way, if I go to Lowe's,

is there a type of scrub brush like a pussy scrubber? Because I need to get the juices off my walls. Like something that's going to get... You just made her mad again. You just made your girlfriend mad. I need some kind of new scrub brush.

Lexi, you're too good for Holden. Oh, my God. Lexi, give up trying. Please. Christ. Oh, my God. All right. Marcus, let's do a news story.

A Canadian woman who parked her car on a highway to help a group of ducklings on the side of the road has been found guilty of causing the deaths of a motorcyclist and his passenger daughter who slammed into her car. Good hope she's punished to the fullest fucking extent. This is a story Marcus and I debated starting first. But it starts off a Canadian woman. She's hot too. Probably a beautiful, nice

gal. She wants to protect a... Yes, she is. She's fine. She's got a fucking cronos. Well, nice gal. She wants to protect. Yes, she is. She's fine. She's got a fucking crow nose. Well, that's why she wanted to protect the ducks. Yeah, that librarian hot, man. Yeah, she's going to do great in fucking female prison. All those fucking pussies just bashing into each other like a fucking car crash that she caught.

All you got to do is fucking, you just got to find her fucking gob, man. Get her fucking spraying out that fucking shit. I like this, though. This is a harsh realization that Walt Disney has not painted this world, and we live in a reality where you can't just put your goddamn car in the middle of the road to save a bunch of ducks. Ducks are meant to be eaten. If they're walking across the road and they make a mistake, a couple are going to go and a couple won't. The mom was probably an abortion trip.

She wanted to lose a couple because she didn't have all the bread she needed. They can always get more bread. No, you can't. Not in Canada during the big bread shortage of 14. Think about that. There's a bread shortage in Canada. Is that a part of the article? Yes, absolutely.

The mayor. Little known earth chat. Alright, so she caused the accident. Mark, explain. The mayor, the big fat... Little known Earth chat. Alright, so she caused the accident. Mark, explain. Why doesn't the motorcycle see the person stopping? Because they were winking at each other. Because they look so cool. Hey man, yeah, cool, cool.

Yeah, probably. Help me, kill me, kill me. And then the duck comes over and starts pecking at his fucking face while he's dying. Give her death sentence. No, don't give her the death sentence. Emma Zornabag. Don't have it in Canada anyway. Was convicted by a jury on Friday on two counts of criminal negligence causing death, a charge

that carries a maximum life sentence, and two counts of dangerous driving causing death, which comes with a maximum of 14 years in jail. So they turned a corner, right? Yeah. So they didn't have a chance to see her. Yeah, Roy's motorcycle slammed into Zornabaj's car, which was stopped in the left lane of a provincial highway south of Montreal in 2010.

Zornabaj, a self-professed animal lover, told the court that she did not see the duckling's mother anywhere and planned to capture them and take them home. She's a thief! She wanted to capture them and take them home. She's a thief! She wanted to capture them and take them home? She's a sociopath.

Cinderella isn't real. You can't go talk to the ducks and the ducks are going to be your fucking babies. They're ducks. She just probably needed help with her sewing business and thought they knew how to make a couple of dresses and things. People in Canada are so nice that they're murdering people. They are. Murdered out

of kindness. But this is just sheer stupidity. Jackie, I mean, what do you think? You love the ducks. I love the fucking ducks and the mama wasn't there. They didn't know how to get across the street. You know what? Just walk across the street. There's a thing called natural selection. If these

ducks wandered into a highway, that is mama nana. That is mother nature in papariri. No, no, no. I hate it. Whoa, whoa, whoa. This is going to come up. Papariri. Mama, I love your shirt.

Mama nama. Mama nama. No. I love it. I love it. Let him go with it. Those ducks. Do you love this?

She put those ducks on the highway to get killed. No, your fucking mama nana isn't real. Hold on. You're dumb. That took forever, by the way. And that was the sentence? Was she put the ducks on the highway? Yeah.

Mother Nature. Mother Nature. You got to work. Mother Nature was the hammer in the fucking redhead's hand that murdered all those ducks. Alright. So Mother Nature needs to be put on trial in Canada and serve a life sentence for killing two people. Well, what about the ducks?

I mean, sentence the fucking ducks to death. It's their fault. Oh, God. Well, that's a good point. Then he hopes they're already dead. Don't say it. Hopefully they ended up in a curry because nothing is more delicious

than a roasted duck curry. That sounds gross. It's too slimy for curry. I don't like duck, man. I'm not into eating that shit. You're stupid. It slides right down your fucking thick ass throat. By the way, I just want to say a fly just landed on the round table table and it just

died. It is a wing on its back. That is fucking bad. I just watched the last Oh my lord, it's gigantic. I've never seen anything like it. I don't know what happened. I watched its final movements. It freaked

out really quick and then it seemed like it saw the light and it became peaceful. It could be delayed. Maybe its wings are just stuck on the beer there. I think it's dead I think it's dead I think it gave up don't touch it Marcus

don't touch it there might be a motorcycle coming blow it in its mouth let me give it CPR someone before it's officially dead fuck in the ass

Henry give it CPR oh all right well it's not a visual movie I'll fix it I'll fix it don't you dare

no oh Andy what are you something at home all right leave the Well, it's not a visual movie. I'll fix it. Don't you dare. No. Andy, what are you, some kind of monk? Oh, no. All right, so Andy's picked up the bug now. Thanks a lot, Ranger Rick. Now it gets to die on the floor like Elvis. And now it's dying. I'm not sure if it's had a peanut butter.

Elvis died like every other fly in a toilet. Peanut butter and banana sandwich. Yeah, I'm just kind of. You know what? You know what I call that? Let's all piss on it. Just like every other fly in a toilet. Peanut butter and banana sandwich. Yeah, I'm just kind of... You know what? You know what I call that? Let's all piss on it. No, Andy. We can't fill this room with piss smell.

But I definitely think that that is an example of the circle of life. And I think that Mama Nana really appreciates the fact that it died. That was a sacrifice for Papa Riri from Mama Nana. Yeah. Mama Nana and Papa Riri are the two worst WWE characters ever created. Can we name him? Can we name him Biggie? Yeah.

What's this? Here we go. We got some music going. No! Jason Sines from Unlimited Lives has just entered the studio. Jason Sines! We the studio. Jason signs. He's got a bunch of signs. And now he's got signs.

McFeely. He's got a series of signs drawn on a piece of construction paper. Hold it in. Hold it in. Hold it in. Why would you take the whole thing? Some of these signs say McFeely can McFeely this ball. Jason signs has entered with a bunch of Sides.

I have never seen anything like this. That's right. Unlimited lives invading the round table, gentlemen. I want to tell all the whole natures to suck my fat cock. To lick my big old balls. And if you want to be nice, if you want to be kind, you got to go with the limited edition. That is unheard of.

What in the world? Holden took his pants off. Oh, my God. What's the scar from? Where was the music coming from? Hey, everybody. How's everybody doing? How's the podcast going?

It's going good. I got a microphone over here for you. I would like to take issue with the fact that Holden wears satin boxers. Alright, first of all, first of all, if you get them wet, your balls

sit in like a comfy, like wet hammock. I just want to hold up and read some of the cue cards that Jason signs. They're signs. They're signs by signs. Signs by signs. Holden sucks. Hashtag unlimited lives. I take umbrage to that. Holden is a big old fag.

Explanation point. Hashtag unlimited lives. Wow. Great sign. McNeely can McFeely my balls. McNeely, yeah. Hashtag unlimited lives. Of course, this one's for you Jackie Holdenators no

Yay Holdenators no Very good Oh wow The beef is real Unlimited lines We're like unlimited Bad cast

Oh no Yikes One of us has to support Our guy No He is We do I thought that was good I mean I You want to be You want to support You guy. No. He is. I mean, we do. I thought that was good.

I mean, I want to be... Do you want to support? Do you want to get on the beef train, Ben? I don't participate in any of the children's antics. No, no. Yeah, that's the thing. You have to be like a holdinator. No, I'm not going to be a holdinator.

You want to be a holdinator? It sounds like you want to be a holdinator. Say it with me, Ben. Ho. Can I be with somebody who sweats fucking bizarre bacon grease and wants to fuck his mom or can I be with a bunch of dorks who play video games and don't fuck? I'll take that as a ho.

I'm going to be myself again. I'm just going to be Ben Kissel for always. Get back. No Unlimited Lives is a great podcast. Thanks man. Thanks for coming to the show it's an honor to have you here. Oh my god. This is un-fucking-real. What are you guys going to do on my

funeral? Burn my casket? Don't burn my casket! Burn his casket! Burn his casket! Burn his casket! Oh, wow. Holden, it's an invasion.

It's a takeover. You leave that sewing machine alone, Holden. Why is there a sewing machine in here? It doesn't matter why there's a sewing machine. They're going to reupholster the couch. All right. Well, Jason, would you like to hang out for the episode? I would love to.

I've been listening to the episodes. I've been hearing the beef. I had to come and show my face. I'd love to be a part of the podcast and shit on Holden. You see how we allow you to be a guest on the show? Yes. Yeah. It's a good booking.

Like I invited him to the test. Oh, and then, oh, but we can't do six o'clock. No, we're doing five o'clock. Oh, our moms won't let us do six o'clock. It's actually Marcus,

which is the puppeteer. Yeah, we do five o'clock so I can make it to practice on time, you piece of shit. Yeah, we're in together. So this is not working out well for Holden.

No. It's a whole world to change. That's right. We were holding schedule. I'm scared. We were discussing a woman who parked her car across a highway in order to save a bunch of ducklings walking

across the street. A motorcyclist with a companion on board hit her car and they both died. So she was just sentenced to prison. It was a father and son duo motorcycle. Father and daughter. But thank God, the ducks are fine. But the ducks are fine. So the motorcyclist died?

And her father. They were in one of those sidecars like Sean Connery and Indiana Jones. In a related story, when Jason walked in, he stepped on the fly I was trying to save. I love that fly. Perfect. We also had a fly on the table and just died.

Yep. A fly stood on the table and died. We've recounted everything that we have just done on the fly. We should do this every show. It's a mid-show recap. I think the show just started about 10 minutes ago. Is that a good endorsement for your show that animals and insects come in here and die? It is for this show, actually.

It's fucking metal, man. Yeah. All right, Marcus. Well, let's start chasing off with a brand new news story. All right. We got goat news. Hey! Goat news!

Hey! Fuckers! I'm a goat. I'm a goat. I'm going to eat a football because I don't know what food is because I'm a goat. Hi, I'm Holden. I'm a goat. I'm going to eat a football because I don't know what food is. Because I'm a goat. I am Holden. I'm a goat.

A man who fell 40 meters down a cliff while chasing a wild goat says he's lucky to be alive. Yeah, he is fucking lucky to be alive. Never chase goats down mountains. And I don't like the way they classify this goat as wild. Isn't he wild? Isn't it the dumb shit who chased the random goat that fell off a fucking cliff, the wild one? Well, he says, the man said the trouble began just after breakfast on Tuesday morning at the farm in Tanjoyo, north of Napier. I hate when fucking goats fuck with me in the morning. They were just outside.

So are homeless people wild people? People are wild. I guess so. Free range people. That's what we can start calling them. Because they're not kept in cages. And they eat nothing but whatever they can find. Maybe we should put them in cages.

We do it when they misbehave. It's called jail. He said, I looked out the window and saw goats on our land. I thought I'd catch my stepdaughter a goat because it's her birthday soon. Oh, that's great. They haven't seen each other for years, so showing up with a live fucking goat as a gift is perfect. It's not like a satanic sacrifice usually or anything like that. It's a nice gift for a young girl.

What a lazy asshole to wait the day of to get your stepdaughter a gift. Yeah, to go catch a fucking goat. You walk out of your house being like, I hope I can fucking see a goat on the street. I've got nothing for my stepdaughter's fucking birthday. Yeah, well, it's not his real daughter. Bert, did you get your stepdaughter a birthday gift yet? No, no, I'm waiting to see a goat.

I'm looking out the window all day. I haven't seen a birthday present yet. No, I. I'm waiting to see a goat. I'm looking out the window all day. I haven't seen a birthday present yet. No, I haven't seen one yet. I keep trying to catch birds, but like birds can fucking fly. They fly away. So I have to bring this up with the speaking of goats. So Marcus wanted to go see this black

metal band called Watain in Brooklyn last Sunday. And we didn't end up going because we were tired. We'll talk about this though. The Cowmen. You guys are doing great. You guys played the Northside Festival. Yeah. And the Northside Festival, a great festival here in Brooklyn and this band was headlining one of the shows. They were

playing, yeah, they were playing like a block away from us. I hope they were headlining and no one had to follow them. No, no, no. They were a black metal band and they took a hollowed out goat's head, filled it with rancid pig's blood, hung it above the audience on a rope, and swung it around them like a pendulum. Pig's blood goes everywhere, all over the audience. People start puking.

The health inspector gets called because they serve food there. And Watain is no longer banned for life from the Brooklyn Bazaar. That's it. God, I wish I would have gone to that fucking show. It sounds like a hell of a damn show, though. It's like one of those shows that I would love to have stuck my head in me and like, what the fuck's going on in there? And then just never go in there.

Oh, you can't walk in. I had a similar time here at the Crawfish Boil. What? I'm just kidding. Eddie came back here to eat crawfish. The Creek in the Cave is still a very good restaurant. Come to the restaurant. No pig's blood here.

No pig's blood. Great B, but still a good restaurant. Yeah. Well, you know, we made a funny sign, though, so it's all okay. That's all politics. That's all political. There's no doubt about that. It is so hard to get an A in this city.

I got an A this week. Hey! Round of applause for Eddie Larson getting his fucking A. I earned it! I kept it clean and I got my A. A stands for anal, right? Kellen got that too.

I pick it up where I can get it. Not bad. Be happy for me. I did it. Oh, the job that you don't want to have, but you have because our careers aren't going very well? You did well at it. I am honorful.

What's new? You are honorful. It just doesn't matter. That is the most drunk way to celebrate something. What's new in the news, Marcus? Zones are getting dragged down mountains so they can gift gifts to little girls. Exactly. So this guy just-

Do they call it news because it's new? Yeah. Okay. Oh, stop. Stop that. Why would you bring that back up? Do they? Good God.

That's at the end because it's always new. It's the news. It'd be weird if they called it like Bogo or something. Yeah, that would be weird. It would be in a totally different world, a word, but then it doesn't exist. We're going to start calling history the olds? Yeah, let's call it olds. Why wouldn't they call it the olds?

Make it simple so I can understand this. Instead of a hand, why wouldn't they call it five of it? Yeah. Because, but hold it, what if you've only got like three of it? I guess that's what you call it. Three of it five of it? Yeah. Because, well, whatever. But hold it. What if you've only got, like, three of it? Yeah. I guess that's what you call it. Three of it. The stump blends a three.

If I had a time machine, I'd go back in time to where the cavemen were that were making up words and fix this shit. We wouldn't be doing a podcast. We'd still be cave people. We'd take eggs, call eggs chicken rocks. Yeah. Roundies. We'll call them ovalons.

Ovalays. Chicken rocks. Chicken rocks. Depends on what country you're in. Trees,'ll call them ovalons. Ovalays. Chicken rocks works. Depends on what country you're in. Trees, you call that umbrella stick. I mean, you first have to understand what an umbrella is. Umbrella. Yeah, you have to have an umbrella first. In your world in history, we got the umbrella.

We got the crank system, the buttons, and steel. I think that's a good Buddhist cone, which came first, the tree or the umbrella? I think it was the tree. Maybe, but it would be the keep from rain stick. Because you'd call it a keep from rain. Now you just sound like a drunk Native American. All right, leave the natives alone. You mean all the Native Americans?

Come on, people. Good God. I think we officially left them alone. We killed them. I don't know if that was when we left them alone. There's a difference between left alone and left only three. Well, we can all laugh about it now. Are you Indian?

No, but South American, Bolivian. My dad's Bolivian. Bolivian? Yeah. Wow. Yeah. That's a good one. Cocaine, man.

Cocaine. Did we kill your people too? Weed. Did we kill your people too? No. No, we killed each other down there. We're pretty good at it. I don't know the past.

The Spanish took care of that. Is that where arepas come from? Arepas? Si. And papusas. You like those? Oh, yeah. I like both of those because they both sound kind of like sex.

Yeah. Arepa sounds like sex to you. One is wanted and one is not. It's called an Italian marriage. That's the other way you're going to do this. It's like, oh, I take a Sonia and Arepa. And Igrasso, very clearly Italian. Very Italian.

You know what he's talking about. Does rape happen a lot in your home country? It actually does. It's sad. It's worldwide. They have a groping problem in Italy. Right, right. You say problem, Marcus.

The president was doing it. Either way, so this fella didn't die when he tried to chase the goat for his stepdaughter. He said as he pursued a goat on the side of a hill, he lost his footing. He said, I forgot there was a drop. I slid straight off. He flipped and cartwheeled down the hill like a rag doll

hitting boulders on the way. He said I just kept going. I landed on a boulder on my side which cartwheeled me over and I smashed my face on the next boulder. Finally he broke the fall with his leg and his sister-in-law rescued him after 10 minutes of screaming. So what did he get?

Did he get his stepdaughter or a bunch of fucking rocks? It sounds like it. I don't... He didn't... You don't break a fall with your leg. Something breaks your fall. He just stopped falling. Yeah.

The leg broke. Yeah. That's what happened. That's not how you... He broke his stopped falling. The leg broke. That's what happened. That's not how you... That's some soul survivor shit, man. But have you watched, like, Planet Earth? I've seen it to tears. Mama Nana's favorite show.

Mama Nana, showrunner of Planet Earth. Mm-hmm. She went to high school with David Attenborough. You watch, like, panthers trying to catch those goats. The goats can go up like a vertical That's the thing goats have incredible climbing abilities That's what the guy fucked up on Also goats can shoot webs out of their hooves

And dangle between rocks and buildings Kind of like Spiderman And every goat can say one word in English They're always a different word but it's always just one word It's usually hey Hey That's actually true hello yeah I've seen that I've seen one say brown girl They're always a different word, but it's always just one word. It's usually hey. Hey!

That's actually true. Hello. Yeah, I've seen that. I've seen one say brown girl. That's two words. No, no, no. They put it together and made it one. It's a hyphenated word. Yeah, it's hyphenated.

That's only in South American goats. It was two goats talking to each other. Hey. Girl. Brown girl. Brown girl. Brown girl. Brown girl. Brown girl. Brown girl.

There's a lot of goats down in Flashbook at Flatbush Boulevard, I hear, just saying, hey, brown girl. Yeah. Save those jokes

for unlimited life. What's wrong with you? I can only hear bad jokes from my friends. I want to make a baked potato-themed podcast called Unlimited Chives. Thank you, Henry. You're welcome anytime. I can't deal with you. What friends. I want to make a baked potato-themed podcast called Unlimited Chives. Thank you, Henry.

You're welcome anytime. I can't deal with that. What's wrong with you today, Henry? What are you talking about? Unlimited Chives. First of all, yeah, it's Papa Riri. Papa Riri. Mama Nana.

Papa Riri is only the way that Mama Nana made him. Yes. He's losing buttons by the minute. You do. Not my choice the minute. You do. Not by choice, though. Sexy. No, his belly is popping open his shirt. Yeah, one of us is going to lose an eye.

Yep. Well, the man who fell down the cliff said he no longer wanted to catch a goat for his stepdaughter. He said, no, I'm not after a goat. We'll just be going to McDonald's now. That's the trade-off? A Happy Meal or a goat? So he's going to eat goat.

Yeah. Maybe they have goat at McDonald's in New Zealand. They do? Maybe. I can see. Let's look at the menu, brother. But I bet you it's a bigger reward over there in New Zealand to go to McDonald's. It's probably a bit more of a high-class restaurant.

I mean, here, they're everywhere. But other places, they're quite a novelty. I don't think it's high-class. It's New Zealand. There is nothing high-class. That's New Zealand. There is nothing high class. That's not true. New Zealand is the highest. Hobbiton is there. Hobbiton is not high class.

That's not real. They live in trees. No, but they live underground. It's fake. It's fantasy. And they got gay dudes with magical eyes that fucking shoot arrows everywhere. Kellen, is that true? That is New Zealand. That is true? Okay. We have a confirmation from Kellen. Okay.

Talking trees. They got Minas Tirith. What's that? Is that Lord of the Rings reference? Yeah. They built them! So they have nothing but a book that somebody

wrote about them that was never actually there. I always thought that Samwise was in love with that like chubby hobbit woman and I always kind of had a sexual fantasy about her.

I banged the fuck out of that. You fantasized about a chubby gal? Yeah. Every day. All hobbits are chubby. You know, in New Zealand, they fill their pies with blood. Really? Not so bad. Blood pie. They should take that blood to a blood drive and

send it to us because of 9-11. Papa Riri. Papa Riri. You are crazy. Papa Riri. Papa Riri. You are crazy. Papa Riri is getting edgy. I like what Papa Riri keeps it on the down low. He's getting edgy. What do the folks in New Zealand have to do with 9-11? I'm just saying

you got all this fucking extra blood enough to make fucking pies out of it. You should be sending it for our fucking soldiers. But it's animals blood. What are you going to give a bunch of human soldiers horse blood? Yeah. They're going to fucking go crazy. Is that true? Yeah, you can't.

New Zealand released a newspaper about Kennedy being assassinated before he was assassinated. It's because there's a time difference. Also, if you do believe that the moon landing was shot, they do believe it was shot in a soundstage in Australia. No, it was Las Vegas. What? It was in New Orleans. Oh, yeah, that's right.

You're right. I always get those confused. Jackie's a resident expert on the fake moon landing. Outside of Las Vegas. And why did they do that? They were gambling on how stupid America was.

I mean, it looked great. If they did fake the moon landing, thank you. Why is the flag doing the thing that it does, though? What flag? An astronaut should be tinier. Marcus, what's a different

story? I've got a different story. Although I do think astronauts should be tinier just so when they see the alien creatures they can realize. Yeah, they should be like jockeys. Yeah, that'd be great. Like jockeys? Yeah, ten of them. Fifteen of them up there. We gotta go invade these places. Not just investigate. We gotta get a hold of Dinklage's

fucking stem cells, make nine of him and shoot him to fucking Mars. Send a bunch of kings up there. Yeah. That's too much of plays. Be great. Then they come down to America. They come to the United States. They come to the world thinking they can conquer us because they think that we're all the size

of Peter Dinklage and they also think, oh, we're very good actors. They don't realize we're big brutes who love to murder and then we... So we want to change NASA into a traveling theater troupe. Yes! To entice the aliens

to come here so then we can murder them and then we can own the fucking universe. We already said the monkeys. Why don't we say the rest of the crew up there? God damn it.

Those fucking clowns. We got monkeys, man. Monkeys are up there. They're hanging out. They're still up there? Can't wait. Why would you be very concerned with having a bunch of monkeys in what appears to be space shuttles full of very sensitive technology?

No, but you never know what they're going to do with it. You know, you can't just... That's a good point, Henry. And the cables. That's why they rip out their eyes and put them on drugs. Mama Nana made dolphins be the first space-faring alien. That's what she wanted. Yeah. Mama Nana wanted a creature that can't breathe oxygen to be the first space-faring alien. That's what she wanted.

Mamanana wanted a creature that can't breathe oxygen to be the first, which actually makes sense. That's what I'm saying. If you get them out of here. So if you take a creature that doesn't necessarily need a bunch of oxygen, but just a little oxygen, and throw them out into the world, you know, into the atmosphere there. Can they survive a little while? Dolphins don't breathe. They don't breathe. Dolphins, no, they don't breathe. They collect coins.

That's from a video game. You're thinking about a terrible echo. Thank you, Unlimited Live. Anytime that was echo from the second Genesis. Great game. Hard game. Good game. Henry, what does Mama Nana look like? Mama Nana is... She's got great game. Hard game. Good game. Henry, what does Mama Nana look like? Mama Nana is... She's got big breasts.

Don't describe yourself. She's brown from the eyebrows to the top of her scalp. Like a mountain. Like a mountain. But then her eyes, Chinese. Mouth, supple like an Italian. Wait, why Chinese? Because Chinese are very wise.

He doesn't know why. He's just describing her. I'm just describing her? Yeah. Big old bottom. Going... Afrikunt. Afrikunt.

Afrikunt. Whoa. She looks like... She looks like she's just describing Gaia. Yeah. It's all... Yeah, video games. It's all you think of.

It's from Captain Planet. Yeah. Her butt was playing hot for teacher. Yeah. Yeah. Got it back. Next news story. Yeah. Sounds great.

Nearly five years after a woman was charged with killing her 100-year-old roommate in a Massachusetts nursing home, a second-degree murder charge is still pending against her at the age of 102. Ooh. Man, Lock that bitch up. Didn't we cover this years ago? Shit, we might have when it first came around. I think we did. Laura Lundquist, diagnosed with dementia, was deemed incompetent to stand trial after

she was charged with strangling Elizabeth Barrow, who was found in her bed with a plastic bag tied around her head. Man, she must have been real fucking annoying. Totally. If the gal from dementia with dementia got annoyed with you, I mean the voices in her head alone must you would think would drive out like or drown out

most like human talk and things. You gotta kill people when they're living with you. You can't leave this woman alone. Do you think she like fucked her lover? She had like a 25 year old boy that would come and like clean her feet every day. a 25 year old boy that would come and like clean her feet every day hell yeah every night you know like come and lay with her and press her clitoris there's a lot of sex in these places and then that one one day he woke up and he was doing the

same thing to the other one so she was like he was like braiding her nipples yeah because they're long and chewed up yeah yeah it was either that or she changed the channel in the TV room. It might have been that, Jason. It might have been that. That's for sure. But this is one of the perks of being old, right? You always get to say what you want to say. You can be a little bit more racist. You can be a little bit more like,

get out of my way, a little bit ruder. Maybe you get to murder. If you're over 100, she was 102, the gal she killed was 100, that's what you get. After 60, you can be racist. After 60, you can tell people to get out of your way. After 70, you can be racist. And then from there, 100, you can start to kill.

After 100, you should be allowed one legal kill. Yeah, but she was 98 when she killed a roommate. Oh, that's the problem. Big problem here. My other question, too, is it takes a lot of effort to strangle somebody. She used a plastic bag. She just put a plastic bag over her head and she suffocated.

And the gal couldn't get it off. Oh, she just thought she was a sandwich. That's not her fault. Esther, I made you a new hat. No, it goes down further. Further. Oh, now your neck's going to be cold. Put it down there.

Put it down there and it'd go to your fucking death, you bitch. Maybe it was raining outside. If you have a plastic bag put over your head and you can't remove that bag, I don't think you were murdered. I think that you killed yourself. That's on you. Well, they're saying that this isn't going to go to trial. They're just going to wait for her to die.

How do you not stand? Why can't she go to trial? I mean, she's going to die with a trial. She's 102! I mean, I get it, but... She was there for the Japanese camps in the Holocaust. And this woman that tried to save the ducks... If she can pull it off, she gets to be free.

The woman that tried to save the ducks is going to jail for life. She should! She killed a valid, real person. Badass motorcycle dude. A badass motorcycle dude with his daughter. She wasn't driving the motorcycle. Girls can't ride motorcycles.

Whoa! What is wrong with you? An 8-year-old girl can't drive a motorcycle. An 8-year-old girl? That's who died. I think an 8-year-old girl could. She was 16. Whatever. A 16-old girl? That's who died. I think an 8-year-old girl could... No, she was 16. Whatever, a 16-year-old... Well, I guess I didn't do that.

18 or 16, a woman could do anything she wants, whether it's to be a princess of a kingdom or it's to be a cavewoman. They can't be a princess of what kingdom? They got to be cheerleaders, Henry. Don't forget cheerleaders. Yeah. I'm just saying anything that they want.

Mama Nana? Mama Nana chose woman to have egg sacs inside of her, so most precious. True. If a woman chooses to be a cave woman, she's homeless. I'm going to get you addicted to a heroin or something like that. We've got to get rid of you.

Well, the woman, the reason why she killed her, in her paranoia, she believed that Elizabeth Barrow, her roommate, was trying to take over the room they shared at the nursing home. She probably was. That's like fucking prison rules. Yeah, she told, Lundquist told Barrow that she would soon get her bed by the window because she would outlive her. I mean, these are malicious words when you're at this age. Jackie, what do you think?

Whose side are you on? I think anyone over the age of 70 should be put to death. Jackie, that's not a thing. You can't just put them all to death. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think there's no reason for me to be around you. Hillary Clinton's 68. She might be president soon.

Let him kill each other off. Over 70? Put him in a fucking ring. Let him have, like, they fuck each other to death. And then also strangle each other. Do whatever you fucking want. you want like the worst fight club A geriatric fight club They'll all fucking kill each other

Or they're gonna die of starvation That would actually be much better than the actual Hunger Games Old people fighting it out And the top five get to continue living They get a pass but the rest are dead Well you tell them they can continue living And then during the big congratulations ceremony, you fucking pop them in the back of their head. You can't let them live.

They're obviously sociopaths. They're all Dick Cheney's. I mean, yeah, you have to kill them at that point. Well, Scott Barrows said he asked nursing home staff to separate his mother and Lundquist, but they assured him the two were getting along. He said his mother did not want to leave the room because she and her husband had lived there

together before he died in 2007. So that means after her husband died, an awful bitty with dementia moved in, replaced her husband, told her that you're going to die and I'm taking your bed by the window. And then that's how she ended her life. And that's what happens. And that's how you fucking get God. So who won? So the gal won.

The widow's the one that murdered her, right? No, the widow's the one that got murdered. Oh, so she was killed. But she has dementia, though. Oh, it doesn't sound like she has dementia if she pre-planned to get the gal's bed by the window. Well, she just told her that she would outlive her. They say that

she didn't pre-meditate because they say in her state of mind, it would be like prosecuting a two-year-old. They would probably do that nowadays, though. I'll tell you what, if I get reincarnated, I'd like to come back as a worm that shoots poison out of its ass,

but then also out of its face because you can't tell the difference between the two. That's great. I think it's what you already are. Have you been reincarnated? Yes. I was once a god named Gnu. Like a dumbass Hindu god that was like, oh, what are you talking about?

They were like... I remember that. I was one of your followers. How were you killed? Stabbed 27,000 times. 27,000 times? 27,000 times? Yeah, yeah.

Wow. That's a lot. That's a lot of thousands. Absolutely, yeah. I tried to fuck all the other gods, and they weren't having it. They weren't happy with you. The gods wouldn't have it.

No, no. They weren't having it. Little stabs, I guess, huh? Yeah. They wouldn't let you O-rape-a them. Cheese them up in the bottom. So, beavers or bears? I'll tell you.

What do you guys want? Next orator. I want bears. You want bears? Yeah, it's about my sex tape, right? All right. Well, kind of. Shake that bear.

Well, the club of fellatio-loving animals just gained a new member. Do-ba-go-ba-goo-ba. Bears. I'm sorry. I just remembered I had that vaporizer. That's why that was funny there. I'm sorry. I just remembered I had that vaporizer. That's why that was funny there. I'm sorry. I'm not like...

You guys got to pay attention. Bears are blowing each other. All right, bears are blowing each other. Okay. Scientists have observed a pair of male brown bears in captivity in Croatia that regularly engaged in oral sex over several years. Hell yeah. Marcus, can you pull up a bear's cock?

I need to see the image. Hey, boo-boo. He's jerking off. It's in the shining. Yeah, keep it in your bed. Take it easy. Oh, what's in that picket egg basket? Hey, you know what it is?

It's my cock. Rachel Rick is just watching, playing with himself. Okay, relatively normal looking cock. I actually think kind of... I expect it bigger. I expect it bigger as well. Oh, and it's got a baculum, just like my raccoon baculum. Fantastic, Marcus.

You know, bear dicks, though, have barb hairs on them. They grip into the bear vagina so it can shoot its fucking... Quit getting me horny, man. What did you think the bear cock looked like, Jason? I thought the bear cock looked like it looked really good. It was just really good. It looked like a really good thing.

Really nice. Yeah, it was a good little bear dick. You wanted to put a pasta sauce on there, cook it up a little bit. It kind of looks like a Slim Jim. A dente. Yeah, it wasn't very adult-ish. It didn't look like beef jerky.

It looked like hanging beef jerky. I was expecting larger, though. Jackie, what do you think? Marcus, you've got to show everyone that picture. No, this picture of Henry. Marcus. Oh, it's me. He's loving it.

That's me watching Netflix right there. Yeah. That looks me watching Netflix right there. Yeah. That looks like a human dick. Go to the Roundtable Facebook page to see the picture that we're looking at. I mean, we're not that genetically different than the bears, and I think our penises, when it comes to our DNA, we're about 100% right there. You look so happy.

Well, while the creatures... Well, why the gay bears? What do you think? Do you like this? Would you say bear dick, donkey dick, or horse cock? Bears. Bears. Yeah, donkey dick, or horse cock? Bears. Yeah, right? Also, man, a bear would be fun to fuck. You think so?

Yeah. But before you fucking get mauled to death. Mama Nana does put a strict warning against humans fucking bears. I feel like. But she says at the same time, life does find a way. And she wrote that into the Jurassic Park script. She was a ghostwriter on Steven Spielberg's Jurassic Park. She's Mother Nature. Mama Nana.

But she wasn't able to get a head writing job. No, no, no, no, no. She was not a part of the union. She was a ghostwriter. So she couldn't get into the WGA? Because she was dead. Oh, I see. It's very hard to get into that.

I don't know if you've... Apparently, yeah. Mother Nature can't get in. Well, the two unrelated male bears in the study were orphans. At least they weren't fucking related. But they were orphans? They were orphans. Orphans all blow each other.

They just get each other. That's really true. They don't have parents. They don't know what's right, what's wrong. Blow each other. I can't spend more than five minutes at an orphanage without fucking someone coming up to me. You need two little boys fucking 69ing each other. You're like, come on, orphans.

Get back to cleaning the floors. Yeah. Marcus, it was mutual. That's considerate. Let me get into this. I do kind of want science to sing that song a little bit more. It's a big hard cock for me. It's a big hard cock for me. It's a big hard cock for me.

I love that cock in my mouth. You take me home, I'll suck your cock. Man, I wish I was an orphan. Let's bring all the orphans home. Some more, please. Can I have some more? Some more of my straight fucking hot jism, little boy. Pee, pee, pee, pee, pee, pee, pee, pee, pee.

I thought this performance of Annie was just different than I remember, but I thought it was still very creative. It's almost like we're doing bad shit for him, adopting him. We should let him all be in there sucking and fucking each other. Sucking. Yeah. I think the STD rates are high. That's what Newsies

was all about. Ed switched to Oliver because it's gay bears we're talking about here. Andy, close to when it happened in college, you saw a 9-11 musical. I don't want to talk about it. Did you just

play Pink Floyd, what is this, Wall Sox? No, you wouldn't saw it. There was a 9-11 musical going on. I forget what it was called. With dancing buildings, right? I walked in. I'm going to watch my friend's show that he's written and produced and directed.

And I sit down, and the first two characters to walk on stage are the buildings. Excellent. Where did my brother go? I'm standing here by myself. Oh no! Holy shit! Shit!

But in the second act, we reveal that George W. Bush did it. The plane came in down the center aisle and I walked out. I couldn't watch it. What? You walked out? And he's like, I've already seen this once. I know how it ends.

God damn. Was your friend the landlord that the dude had in the Big Lebowski? It sounds like a similar play he might put on after 9-11. It was insane. That's great, though. Four stars. It sounds perfect. And a lot of people were walking out, right?

I don't think people left. Oh, really? No, but people were, yeah, pissed. It was a full-blown, it was like a two-hour musical. I think it sounds amazing. Was it a comedy? Yeah. I guess.

This was like 9-12-2011 that he brought it out? This was like 2002 or 2003. What if they got a Busker's license and took it to the 9-11 museum? Oh, my God. They just did it right outside. Illegally had to. Here comes the plane. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, Ed, you went to the museum. It was very upsetting. I went. It was very upsetting. Yeah, it wasn't funny? No, I didn't laugh once. Well, actually, I did. There was a... It was kind't funny? No, I didn't laugh once. There was a... It was kind of funny stuff.

There was one long one throughout the whole thing. My mother was just like, that's horrible. Everyone's just sitting there crying and being all quiet. She's like, those bastards. Yes, mom. Yes. Mama Larson. Good woman.

Hell yeah. Well, over the course of six years and 116 hours of observation time, scientists witnessed 28 acts of fellatio between the two male bears. Who are they? And how long was the time period? Let's see here. Over six years. Oh.

Who are these pervert fucking scientists? Croatians. here. Over six years. Who are these pervert fucking scientists? Croatians. Exactly. Thank you! Please! I mean, after you watched the bears blow themselves once, can't you just like conclude that they blow themselves? No, no. They're blowing each other. The larger bear

was always the one to receive fellation. How long do we keep this secret? Let's just one more day. One more day. And most times he came. Not every time. Wait, the little one didn't get blown? No, just the big one. Oh, God. Yeah, here's in Croatia

suicide is very, is a big deal because most Croatians think that guns are popsicles. Because they're fucking dumb idiots over there. Oh, I see. I didn't know that. God, I can't wait to watch you get ripped apart by a bunch of Croatians.

They're just so strong. They're the biggest. That might be true, though. There's a lot of drowning deaths because they think that water is just a different kind of oxygen. Because they're fucking idiots. It is kind of. Is Croatia like a race? That's like multiple countries of people. No, it's just Croatia.

No, it's just one. You're thinking of Bosnia and Herzegovina. Oh. What's he thinking of? Are they called Croatians or Croats? Croats, Croatians, whatever. So do these bears do like poppers

before starting? No, man, they're just animals. They just love to suck. He says that the bear does reach an orgasm from the sex act as evidenced by muscular contractions and fluids on the muzzle of the provider. On the muzzle?

So the guy's blowing him with a muzzle? No, that's literally what their face is called. The tip of their muzzle. Oh, thank God. I thought there was a whole thing in here with the muzzle? No, that's literally what their face is called. Their face, the tip of their muzzle. Oh, thank God. I thought there was a whole thing in here with the muzzle. They tied themselves up in whips.

Holy kinky stuff. They're German bears. And when the deed was done, the bigger bear often pushed the provider off with his hind legs or turned away. Just like a fucking big fat man. Most Croatian babies think that their penis is a third

useless leg, so they end up ripping it off before adulthood. Here's a real weird detail. The provider was always the one who instigated it. Who wrote this article saying the provider? Where did the provider come from? Why didn't they call it the little fucking slut?

The provider is the one who comes, right? Who's the provider. Where did the provider come from? Yeah, why didn't they call it the little fucking slut? The provider is the one who comes, right? Who's the provider? Who's the provider? No, I know. The little one or the big one? The little one. The blower. The one with the mouth. What an awful... Oh, I see. Because I would argue the semen is

the provisions. That's the boar's head. Either one could be the provider. So did he eat the cum? Of course he ate it. It's all over the muzzle. No, it's on the muzzle. So he pulled it out and shot it all over its face?

Like it's a Jessie Jane? Jessie Jane? Why would Mama Nana allow this? Mama Nana knows that we you know, we all have holes. We all have long sticks in between our legs. And she's like, oh, let them play. Let them play. Every time they go, Mama Nana, the bears are blowing each other.

She's like, let them play, all my children. This is an effer-cunt accent that you have going on. That's offensive, Jackie. He did effer-cunt earlier. you have going on. That's offensive, Jackie. He said effer-cunt earlier. I know, but it's still offensive. I don't take responsibility for effer-cunt. I give it to you. There you go.

Jackie owns it. I'm sorry, Jackie. I'm sorry, Jackie. It's on you. Why would you say something like that? That's fucked up. Unbelievably rude. Unbelievably. So it got all over the... Yeah, yeah, yeah.

These gay bears. I will be buried in this fucking earth before I let them get married. That's right. That is true. They'll get married. Bears shouldn't be married. They say a possible explanation for this is that the bears were very young when they were forced to stop suckling their mothers. Yes, they start sucking that

dick. Yeah, an activity that only provides milk, or not only provides milk, but also bonding and comfort for at least the first year of the life. And for the provider in this study, fellatio could be a relic of this infantile behavior. That's what I told my mother too.

Why do you have to come up with the answer for that? Could it just be that blowjobs feel good? Oh, you come, you females will give fellatio, but there's no questioning that. Who? A homosexual is you have to find a route to it.

Female cheetahs are known to lick their partner's genitals during a courtship ritual. Ed Holden, do you agree with that? There's no breastfeeding explanation behind it. It's just the way that they get on. There's no bears eating pussy. Yeah.

Well, there's definitely, there's bears, they're animals, male-to-male animals that fuck each other. But fellatio is odd among bears. I've been saying it over and over. In The Shining, like we watched this years ago, is bears love going down? This is my, yeah, but why weren't you also watching for bears licking the other

bears' pussies? What do you think, Kellen? What do you think about this? We got some homophobia in the study? I don't think it's homophobia. I just think that why search for an answer? They're just getting each other off. Why reach deeper? They found a thing that was really enjoyable for each other and they started doing it.

Two smartest bears in the world. Holden, were you kicked off the teat early? Jesus, I don't know. Maybe. I don't know. That's what they're saying. We study animals to better understand ourselves.

Combat homosexuality. That's what they're saying. I sucked my mother's teeth until I was three years old and I am not gay. Both of my older brothers are and they stopped it. Three years old?

I was large. And both your brothers are and they stopped early? They stopped early. That's really bad. That's fucking crazy. No, no, no, no, no, no. I could not breastfeed at all

because of the muscle problem in my mouth. And I am as straight as a snake. That's why you know all those my mouth. And I am as straight as a snake. That's why you know all those show tunes. And I sucked my mom's tits last night and I'm still kind of gay. I was pretty old when

I stopped. Yeah, I mean, you're supposed to go until you're like roughly 17, 18 out of the house. As soon as baby starts getting hard from it, you push him away. Yeah, you push him away. As soon as you start driving up to your mother's house. Why is everyone nodding? Yes!

It's good for the mothers. Marcus, Marcus, no female data. No female data. The only females are the heterosexual cheetah licking of the genitals. Also, bonobos give each other blowjobs to ease social tension.

But just for fun, yeah. And what's a bonobo? Bonobo's a monkey. That's what we should start doing with the debates, like presidential debates. When one starts getting mad at the other, they start eating each other fucking out. All right, Senator, calm down.

Whoever comes first loses. Jizz on the crackers for president. I'm down with that. Oh, and Chinese fruit bats also blow each other. Oh, my God. Hillary Clinton's going to become president. All kinds of animals blow each other. Who the fuck knows?

It's natural, baby. Blow each other. I can't wait till we get the compilation of that. How many years did they study this? Six. All you have to do is see it once and be like, oh, yeah, everyone does that. No, they loved seeing it. Let's give them some privacy.

The problem is also they did not know that bears had the muscles to smile until this study as well. Because they discovered that bears were scumming back. And they're like, if you happen to hand a bear a cigarette, put their hands behind their head and lean back. Or high five. I just can't believe it didn't chew its dick off. These were obviously two humans in bear costumes. I imagine he just licks the dick.

Just lick the dick. Like it's a honeycomb. Yeah, it's not sucking it. It doesn't have its paw around the fucking shaft. It's not fucking working it. You can't because of the briars. Bear have balls. Marcus, is the bear a ball?

Play with its balls. Yeah, yeah a bear a ball? Just fucking play with its balls. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fucking choke on it. Look at me. I feel like this is important. That's where the further research is needed, Henry. That's where we're needed to go out in the fields and see. My other question is, do scientists fucking blow each other?

Yeah. Who's watching them? Who's watching the watchers? And he just shows up into the lab and is being like, I'm here to decide how often fucking scientists start eating each other out. So get to living normal.

I'm just going to be sitting here in the corner. And now it's time for a segment from Holden McNeil. Let's make soccer more interesting or Mexican football for all you fucking laymen out there. We're tied, by the way. Is this a live thing? We're tied? No, it's not live at all.

Andy, there's no possible way. We're tied in here, yes. All right. Well, it's over. Final. Final? It's a draw. They tied?

Tied. I see. There you go. We'd rather lose. Moving my point forward, let's find a way to make soccer more interesting. You can end on a tie. It would be a really good one. I will start. Just because those fucking Portuguese could speak to the refs down there

in Brazil, those cockeyed fucks. Absolutely. I don't know about the rise, Eddie. That is absurdly racist against the Portuguese. I'm so glad none of you know my last name. It's okay. This is

actually relatively tame. I'm going to say attach a raccoon to the ball. Yeah. Let it. The ball has a life of its own. It's moving around. It's moving around real fast. You know, so you really got to catch

it, you know, and get it in there catch it, you know, and get it in there. But, you know, I think also if the other team can lure it into the goal with food, that would be a part of the sport. So you got food out there. Put a trash can in the goal. Yeah, put a trash can in the goal. If you can get a trash can behind the goalie, you know, which would be pretty easy. Is there a limit to how

much food you can put in your net? Honestly, I think until we hit some serious issues with it, we're going to allow all food reasonable possible. It's half the goalie's job is to get the food out of it. Yeah, to get the food out of the net. So now the goalie actually has something to do for like most of the game as opposed

to the five seconds. Fucking four saves and you're a genius and you're the best soccer player in the world? You did it four times in 90 minutes? There you go. We're trying to make it more interesting. There you go. Henry, what do you think?

Okay, so first of all, I think that maybe what we should do is for each team, they go to their most dangerous Supermax prison, right? And choose each World Cup team from a select few of the most degradable rapists and murderers, right? Choose them to be the soccer team, right? Then give the goalie, the goalie is a police officer in full uniform with a hose, a super-powered fire hose.

And so the idea is that he uses the hose to defend the goal and also can arrest them, shortening certain members of the team. This is really changing the game. I'm just saying if they start raping the audience, that's a yellow card. If they murder a member of the audience, that's a red card. They got

to go back to the Supermax prison. So you got a sea of people giving freedom the first time in years. And they have to sort of hold back their fucking natural intentions which is to rape and murder everybody and learn to play soccer well are we talking public executions i mean there will be normal executions but mostly i think it's just gonna be fun to see people getting blasted by the host because the big thing is is that you keep those goalies slash police officers pretty fucking lit so that they will just start shooting people randomly

with the host. Is there any reward for winning? They all go back to jail. But the Supermax prison gets a new electric chair from that country. And can I say also, you died the first time.

One pizza party to the winners. Sure, they all get a slice of pizza. Alright, there you go. I was actually thinking of food. Yeah. Well, what's your foodie food? Competitive eating meets soccer. So you get a salami, you get a piece of pizza, you get a whole cereal. Everybody has one food that

they have to eat and consume the most of. From their native country? Maybe from their native country. Or actually from the opposing country. So they get disgusted by it. That way they have something to do with their fucking hands. Everybody loves cheeseburgers. Well, can they eat how many during a game? And they better have a big fucking number

because that's taken into account throughout the game. It's hard with that bread, man. You're constantly eating, you're constantly running, you're constantly kicking this stupid fucking ball around. And the entire time, if a goalie is not being busy, he's got hot chicken wings. The hottest chicken wings that human beings can possibly eat. And there's a chicken wing competition going on on either side of the field. In the middle, there's another competitive food competition happening, plus the game

of soccer and landmines. I love it. Great. Landmines is fantastic. That's my favorite part. I love this. There's four landmines. All right it. Landmines is fantastic. That's my favorite part. There's four landmines. Just four? Just four.

When one gets set off... All the other three can still go off at any time. Do they replace them when they get set off? No. That's how you know where to go safely. Alright, Andy, what do you got for us? Just shorten the field. Well, that's real.

That's a great answer. Honestly, Marcus, let him win. That is sort of the most obvious real answer. Make the goals bigger and shorten the field. Add a few more players. It's just chaos. And you're like, the goals are 10 feet away from each other. Yeah.

Girls with their tits out. No, you can't go back. Someone else can say that. Yeah, that's not on the record. Andy, you're allowed to say girls with their tits out. No, you can't go back. Someone else can say that. Yeah, that's not on the record. Andy, you're allowed to say girls with their tits out. And of course, girls with their tits out. Wow, great idea, Andy. Jackie with her nice tits and butts.

I don't care who wins. I just hope soccer gets more interesting. I want to say a combination of the past two. It's a culinary field. If you're Italian, it's a pasta field. It's all culinary field. If you're Italian, it's a pasta field. It's all mixed together. It's just sadness and dirt. It's based on... You mix it together.

So one side of the field is like... So it's like cloudy with a chance of meatballs. Exactly. Yeah. And then you got to eat your way. I love it. I love it. I love it. Are there cartoon characters involved? Yeah.

All right. Jackie. Going to go and throw it out there. I don't know much about the game. None of us do. Who gives a shit? It sucks. I'm going to say, as you go forward, every team you beat, you murder them and you have

to wear their skin as you play. That actually happens. That already happens. Does that really happen? Pretty much. No, no, no. I want the real skin. So as they go forward, they have more and more skins because they have to be really

fucking good if they want to get the ball in the tiny fucking hole. If you beat a team that already has a few skins, do you gain their skins? Yes. So then the winner gets all the skins? Yeah. Yeah, because you're the best. You got all those fucking skins on.

But the whole point of the sport is that it's supposed to simulate war but with like peace. Yeah, yeah. And then on top of the goal, net, you got a fucking girl.

She got her tits out. She got a fucking pussy out. And she's pointing at it. That's great. And she's pointing at it. That's the real point. What if they kick the ball onto her?

What if the ball hits her pussy? What happens? You get 10 points. All right. It's hard to come back from that. The thing is,

you get the girls from the team that you beat because you enslave all the women in their country. So you own those women and you can do

whatever you want with them. That is more exciting. Also, we'll throw a slip and slide in the middle. Okay. Because they're hot. I a slip and slide in the middle. So, okay. Because they're hot. I think slip and slide is technically a different game, though, inside the game.

Slides in the middle. Yeah, that's the fast lane. If you can get the ball to the fast lane, slide with the ball down it, you're upfield in a second. Yeah, you're upfield. Jason, what's yours? I think all the players should not wear shorts, just naked from the waist down. Fuck, yeah.

So their balls are hanging. Are they hard? So they wear the shirts, yeah. But they're not hard. They don't have to be hard. They can be if they want. I bet they're hard. It's hard to be hard during an athletic competition.

Yeah, you're running around. I don't think you'd be hard. You don't get hard when you guys run around? No. No, you get wet when guys run around and look good. I also don't. I also don't run around. So anyways, their balls are hanging.

That's the thing. Their balls are hanging. So all the guys' balls have to be shaved. They have to be shaved. They have to paint little soccer balls on them. Okay. So they all got little soccer balls. So you're not really sure where's the ball.

Exactly. Oh, camouflage. Exactly. Yeah. And then you shrink the ball The regular size soccer ball To the size of a testicle Wow So now you're shooting

The little testicle ball Around the field Also the balls are swinging Between the legs So you don't know Where the ball is going If you hit the soccer ball Into the goalie's nutsack

Another 10 points for that Okay Oh no Guys It seems more difficult To see the ball though Yeah Yeah absolutely

It's like playing hacky sack. Yeah, it's like a hacky sack ball. I also forgot to mention that all the players are shrunk down, so they're like little people. And the goals are two women spread eagle. They're big pussies. So they're playing it between two girls spread eagle, like in a diamond fountain with their legs. So it's like, honey, I shrunk the kids, but kids but then honey I blew up the kids with the pussies can you answer me this though

is a falcon involved in some way a falcon yes no falcon it would steal the ball okay fuck it

ants the ants are referee ants are referees and they run around they wear the little jerseys on yeah I love edge watch soccer unlimited lives

unlimited lives Ed Larson I got two different ideas I don't know which one to pick DuPo find him man I love Ed Watchsocker. Unlimited lives. Unlimited lives. Ed Larson. I got two different ideas. I don't know which one to pick. DuPo, combine them, man. I'll try to combine them. First thing is a lot of barbecue. Oh, shit.

That's my phone. That's your phone playing a video game sound? You didn't turn off the fucking video game ringer? I want to make a podcast. Unlimited limes that is about limes. There's not unlimited limes. There's a lime shortage right now and I really wish you would be sensitive about it. Use up the last

of the limes. Use them up, everyone. Get a lime. Fucking throw it in the trash. Where am I going to get that lime? Ed Larson. So basically, I'm saying the decline has come the lines of the first

casualty shh we are a limit of lines Marcus you do the news that is the news Ben I hate it

I hate it I hate it fuck you you're the old alright we're getting barbecued and we're cutting off their hands

here we go boom you say no hands I say let's Fuck you. You're the old. All right. We're getting barbecued and we're cutting off their hands. Here we go. Boom. You say no hands? I say let's fucking do it. What are you doing, Marcus? As much as I love that, fuck, I think the one that I would watch the most out of all of them that I think would make this the best game, raccoon ball. Really?

I can't believe it. Holdenators for life. Oh, you throat can't believe it. Holdenators for life. No. Oh, you throat suckers out there. Holdenators for life. You did get that right. That's been the round table. Jason Sides.

Jason Sides. I mean, wait. Holdenators for life. Unlimited lives. All right. Jackie, Eddie, Holden. Thanks for being here. Henry, Jason Sides.

Unlimited lives. Andy and Kellen. All right. Jason, that was Holden, thanks for being here. Henry, Jason, science, limited lives. Andy, and Callan. All right. Jason, that was a great entrance, by the way. Thank you. Good job. I have condolences, but that's fine. I'm at Ben Gissel on Twitter.

Mark is on Twitter. Don't be good at soccer if you squish the ball down into an oval, and then you hike it to a person. He throws it to another guy. Make it football. Make it football. Make it football. Make it pads and helmets and shirts. I love you. Make it football. Make it like pads and helmets and shirts.

I love you. I love you. I love you. It's like war. It's like war. It's like a guard system. Shorter. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. And you take out the net and you replace it with a big metal pole. We love you, Ethiopia. Actually, Eddie wins. Hold him. Take it away from you.

Eddie wins. What? Yeah. Yeah, suck it. Suck it, Paris.