The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 204: Holiday

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

Today on the Round Table: a man shoots himself in the head demonstrating how to beat the game of Russian Roulette, a highly intoxicated Georgian charged with a DWI claims the dog drove him to the store, and an English gal has a rare medical condition called Fish Odor Syndrome. Joining us today: Reid Faylor, Jordan Temple, and Tiff Baker!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds. Lay down, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. The cheese is made out ofility. The cheese is made out of bones. The cheese is made out of bones? The cheese is made out of bones. The cheese also stands alone.

Absolutely. Very good. Eddie, you are praying today. In the name of the Father, and in the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen. Reed crossed. He crossed himself. I appreciate that, Reed. Should we all do that? A real good Catholic boy here with me.

Right? No. You're a Jew? Race Catholic. You're Catholic. You're Irish. You'd be right to assume Jew. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You'd be right. But you're Irish, though, right? Italian. Italian? Yeah. All right. Well, we'll let you stay anyway. What?

Eddie, it sounds like you're having a conversation with your friend and not with me oh I'm sorry God I'm here for you to bless the murder fist trip that we were leaving on Wednesday to film for a week please bless our trip and please please perfect opportunity to have a

horse trample hold in or a car hit him folk religion I believe in anarchy youk religion. I believe in anarchy. You hear that, God? You hear that? I believe in anarchy. Don't you want that fucking dead God? We don't want anyone to die. No one's died on the trip. Alright, hurt him a bunch.

Also, bless Marcus on his trip. He's going to Texas to see Charlie and the rest of the family. Charlie. So that'll be good for Marcus. So bless his trip. And there will be no roundtable next week. So just masturbate for an entire hour.

You owe it to us. It's your penance for us not doing a show. In the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. He crossed himself again. I don't get it. I'm really not trying to. This is 16 years of Catholic school. Hey, Reed. Hey, Reed.

Peace be with you. And also with you. Oh, no. I fucking got him. Welcome to the round table of gentlemen, everybody. Great prayer. And God, may I personally ask you to do the opposite of everything that I just asked you to.

Kill them all. Who's with us? Well, Jackie Zabrowski, I don't want you to kill us all. It would be really easy. We're all going to be on the same flight. If you killed all of us, if you did the opposite, then it would just be Holden. Yeah. Oh, shit.

He would be the worst person grieving ever. Oh, it would be so bad. Yeah, just Holden trying to feel emotion. Oh, yeah. Oh, my goodness. I won the horse dragging competition, so next. I made it all the way from town to town. We can't kill him.

I made it from Brownsville to Shitsville being drugged by a horse. Brownsville to Shitsville. So fucking next. Oh, my God. I'm Ed Larson. Yep. We got Ed here. Holden Edders, ho!

Hello, anarchists. Let's you mix your concoctions together and bring it to the streets. Because we're anarchy-less. It hurts the back of my mouth. No, it's so bad. I think it's supposed to be British. British? But it sounds like a British teeth could speak.

Well, that was bad. Woman or a manarchy. Woman or a manarchy. Busting some eggs on some copper's car. Because we're fucking anarchists. And we'll finger the fucking Jew if she wants to. All right, all right. You're done.

You're out of ideas officially. I don't All right, all right. You're done. You're out of ideas officially. I don't know. I like it. That's sad. I got it. I got it. It was easy, I guess. You just had to say you fingered the, whatever.

If she wants it. If she's screaming for it. Drop the exit, man. Get rid of the exit. Oh, fuck you, you nun. All right. Tiffany Baker's with us as well. Thanks for being here, man. Get rid of the exit. Oh, fuck you, you nun. All right. Tiffany Baker's with us as well. Thanks for being here, Tiffany. I'm so glad

to be here. Thanks for having me. Yeah, you guys know each other. You know Eddie and the rest of Murderfields. And Jax. All the way from Tallahassee days, huh? That's right. That's right. Back in the good old Tallahassee. Still around. That's great. So few of the Tallahassee. Still around. Tallahassee. That's great. My favorite place.

So few of the Tallahassee people that just aren't dead. Yeah. Yeah. That was your goal in college, just to hang out with the ugliest people in Tallahassee, huh? No, pretty much. You know, just do as much drinking as possible and hang out and get, you know, sweaty. I'm surprised how ugly Tallahassee can get. Would I?

It's Tallahassee can get. Would I? It's Tallahassee. I remember when I packed me bags from Shibboleth and traveled to Tallahassee in trees and a theater gold. I don't even, now that's sort of Irish now? London calling and you're calling them dead. That's almost the song. All right, it is the worst thing I've ever heard. Reid Fowler is here as well.

It's very nice to meet all of you out in Radioland. Is that how you do this? Intro boy? Is that how you do it? When can we go to Radioland, Marcus? Next week after we get back from our first trip. Oh shit, dude. You're going to Texas.

And then you're going to Wisconsin. And then we go to from our first trip. Oh, shit, dude. You're going to Texas. Yeah. And then you're going to Wisconsin. And then we go to Radioland. Yeah. Okay. I mean, who cared about those last sentences? We gave a good pause at the end. I cared a lot about it. Yeah, I cared about it.

Yeah, I loved them. You loved them? I loved them. What did you love most about them, Ed? The end. Well, okay. I agree with you on that Jordan Temple's here as well

Oh so I'm chilling Got on these cool shorts Trying to enjoy my weekend Did some coke over the weekend And I broke up with my girlfriend So I'm trying to figure out Whether or not I have a little bit of coke depression

Or just regular depression Because I broke up with my girlfriend But I think it's a mixture of both. Is that why you're wearing camouflage shorts so you can blend in with the background? Yeah, so I could blend in with sadness. Jordan, you got a joke and you were talking about it before the show. I didn't want to hear it, but you wanted to do it on the show. It's your nom-nom joke.

Oh, yeah. I have this goofy-ass joke. My ex-girlfriend doesn't like it, but whatever. Fuck her. She's a hater. Two days ago, you were singing her praises. Was I? Yeah. I'm going to get with her, Jordan.

Hey, man. I had a good conversation with her. Yeah, no, you did. She told me she spoke to you for an hour. He did. That's legit. If you could keep a conversation with her an hour, you could fuck her for two minutes. You know what I mean? That's all I need. That's all you need, keep a conversation with her You could fuck her for two minutes That's all I need

But I've ruined her Just know that that vagina is not how it used to look like I've never had sex with a woman's vagina Oh good He fucks the folds Is she fat? Nah she's slim What's the best things about her?

Dude your nom nom joke Don't talk about my future girlfriend anymore. Hey, man, if you do that and you can take her out to dinner, I'll take you out to dinner. Wow. That's a hell of a promise. Yeah. If you can actually go on a date with her, I'd be, like, super impressed.

I can go on a date. I would blow you. No, well, dinner's fine. Just the dinner. Just the dinner. No, no. Hey, man. I I the only one that wants to see him blow him? I'm the only black person.

Am I the only one that wants to see Jordan blow Noah? Hey, I'm just trying to say, I'm the only black person here. People think black people hate gays. We can be open-minded. To be fair, they can't see me, so I'm going to be black for this podcast. You should. That's good.

We put Reed in Kevin's chair because last time Jordan was on the show, he said the N-word too much, so now you're just a white person. We put you in a white person seat. All right, the nom-nom joke will come up later. And we know Reed's definitely not saying it. Oh, no, no, no.

You'd be surprised. You mean nougat. You said nougat. Not going to do it. Not brave enough at all. Not brave enough. Okay, Marcus, let's do a news story. A 21-year-old New Mexico man unintentionally shot and killed himself Monday while attempting

to demonstrate to his girlfriend how to beat the game of Russian roulette. Say what? He did beat the game. Well, I think he lost. I think he won the game. Yeah, that's how you do it, right? Yeah. Well, Matthew Naismith shot himself once in the head with a.357 caliber revolver in an apartment at the Lighthouse Mission Complex.

He died at about 10.30 p.m. at Plains Regional Medical Center. The cop on the scene said, I think it was his idea to show how to beat the game of Russian roulette. Sanders said Naismith had been drinking. The girlfriend told police Naismith placed the barrel of the gun to his temple, pulled the trigger once, and the gun didn't fire. He then spun the cylinder of the gun again, placed it to his temple, and fired the second and fatal shot. Take all the bullets out.

You take all the bullets out. That's how you beat the game. This guy was trying to kill himself in front of his girlfriend. He would have spun that gun 30 times in a row. I love Russian Roulette. What a fun game. How bored do you have to be to even propose playing such a game? I mean, this relationship wasn't going to last anyway.

There was a guy growing up in my town that killed himself during a Russian Roulette game. And you know who he was playing it with? Who? His girlfriend. Really? He was probably real dumb, though, and played it with a double barrel shotgun that had two shotgun shells in it. To be fair. Although if I really wanted to die I feel Russian roulette is the way

to fucking go. That would at least be a fun way to go. You never know. That's a good idea for suicide groups. Yeah. You know what? Let's not say that. I feel like we have a lot of young listeners. I feel like you know if you live you know you'd want to keep living.

I think my problem with suicide normally is that there's no adrenaline rush. I want that buzz. I want that, whoa. I'm rocking out tonight. What would you propose for yourself? I would like some very unsolicited Russian advice to my girlfriend is the way I want to go. Just in the middle of a dinner. Hey, what do you want to have for dinner?

Let me tell you how to win this game. Well, there's no way to win. Let me show you. I think auto-erotic asphyxiation. That's the fun of it. You know, it's like, oh, I could have died. Oh, I got off. And now I feel great.

But I feel like you don't get off. I think you just die and then everyone knows you get your cock in your hand. Not everybody dies. A lot of people do it. People off. I think you just die and then everyone knows you get your cock in your hand. Not everybody dies. A lot of people do it. People do it for decades before they die. That's true, David Carradine, but you look at that, what was that movie with... World's Greatest Dad. World's Greatest Dad. Robin Williams

was the dad, I believe. The kid dies, you know, jacking off. It's an embarrassing way to go. Oh, that kid sucked. The kid was like five years into masturbating. He didn't know how to do it yet. You need ten years minimum before you learn how to really get into it. At least 30 years old. 30 years old is the bottom age when you should start trying auto-erotic.

It should be taught to you in a room with someone else. The first time you do it, it should be a pro with you. Sure. Just like telling you, you know, wait, no, no, no, no. You're going too far. You're going too far. Yeah, they have to jerk you. That's how wait, no, no, no, no. You're going too far. You're going too far. Yeah. They have to jerk you.

That's how that works. That's how tandem beating off. It's an expensive habit. And then the same way to do it. I mean, Tiffany, before the show, we were discussing, I used to hold my breath underwater very regularly. I never got hard from it. But you used to hold your breath as well quite regularly.

I did. And at any point where you're like, I could really finger my bean right now and everything would be better. Sometimes I did have that thought. Really? Yeah, there were times that I would consider that. Do you call it your bean though? I don't usually call it my bean. Refried beans.

My lady. I've talked about this on here before but I have an ex that would like to be choked. Did she like it because she would come as she was getting, you know, near a pass out? Yeah. I mean, I don't know. It felt very uncomfortable because-

You've got to be really good at it. Yeah. Like while I'm fucking jamming on her, I've got to like, you know, cut off the breathing. Too much concentration. It's a lot of concentration. Yeah. Because you're trying to come, but yeah, you're not, you're trying not to kill her, but you're also trying to come.

And she's also telling you to choke. My fucking town puppy's loosening up trying to come, but you're trying not to kill her, but you're also trying to come. And she's also telling you to choke. My fucking town puppy's loosening up, trying to fucking keep that grip, you know? So you didn't, it was not good for you?

Yeah, no. No. I guess not. I could go with, a chick really liked to get choked. I could stay hard throughout the process.

I think it's best to choke when you do a doggy. Like, that's the best. When you're having sex with a dog? Yeah. No, no. When you're doing, I mean, that's what you do. That's not what I do. I'm talking a doggy. When you're having sex with a dog? No, when you're doing... That's what you do. That's not what I do. I'm talking about doggy style.

You're talking about the wraparound headlock. Yeah, yeah. You can't see the face. You can't see them saying, I'm not an heir no more. You have the head cocked up like that in a choke and you're doggy. So you can't see her when she dies?

No, no. You can look and see right. Right. Right. Yeah. It's really the most when she does. I know. No. You can see her. You watch her die. Come on. I usually like to put two dog dish bowls, one with food and one with water right under her tits and then she dips her tits into the dog dish bowl. Yeah. Then you lick them. Who's getting sexual

satisfaction? Everybody in that room, sir. The fucking gims into it. The fucking spider Gimps into it. The spider monkey boy is into it. Does anyone notice that this Mr. McNeely customer continues to come into Petco, but I don't think he owns a dog. He just gets a lot of puppy food

for some reason. Very interesting. I love this show because you guys are always guaranteed to be terrible. You guys are the worst. All I'm saying is if I smell some dog food, my fucking cock turns into a saxophone. I wish

Barnett was here, man. He'd play the shit out of that. Jungle Land solo, man. But yeah, you know, bringing it back to the, yeah, the weird thing was she liked to be choked during sex, but outside of sex, very sensitive about her neck. Very sensitive about her neck, but sounds like to be choked during sex, but outside of sex, very sensitive about her neck.

Really? Very sensitive about her neck. Sounds like your father choked her. Maybe. I don't know. That's what it sounds like to me. So you couldn't karate chop her to the neck whenever you wanted? She'd flip it.

She'd be like, whoa. She was very sensitive and ticklish. I'm choking at the grocery store. I like to have my balls stomped on a little bit. Do you? Nah. But I'm just saying for an analogy. No, he likes to piss on chicks.

We've been over this. No, I don't. No, he likes to watch on chicks. We've been, I don't know. He likes to watch him piss. All right. That's never done. I never would do that. That's a disgusting habit that some people have who are lesser than if you can pee on my girl, I'll let you pee on me.

Wow. Am I the only one that wants to see Ben pee on? The whole conversation has become disgusting. That's the thing. Now it's disgusting. Now it's disgusting? Now it's disgusting, man? I think so. Only because you can't imagine your yellow ass pee on my brown body.

Man, you would look like you were glowing. Yeah, it would look amazing. You should glow worm you. That's disgusting. You're so dehydrated, you probably should drink Pedialyte. You don't drink any water, I'm guessing. I drink a lot of water. I doubt it. That big ass body. What's happening?

What is going on here? You need like gallons to be hydrated. Look at all these PBRs he's drinking. That's like 80% water. He's fine. It is a lot. So this guy shot himself in front of's fine. It is a lot. All right. So this guy shot himself in front of his girlfriend.

Yes, he did. Yep. And apparently he had three bullets in the cylinder when he was doing it. Wow. So he did pretty good in the first round. Yeah. 50-50. How do you win Russian roulette?

You just stay alive. No, no, no. How you win Russian roulette is the other guy shoots himself in the head. So you'll start with an automatic. Have you never seen Deer Hunter? No. No. They really won because they just killed all the people who were making him play Russian roulette.

That is true, yeah. Wait, give me a second, though. Did this guy have his girlfriend ever do it? Or is he just playing Russian roulette on his own? Because he told her, like, hey, I know how to beat this. I got a system. I can always win Russian roulette. Oh, so he was doing it with his mind.

Yeah. His last words had to have been, you just have to believe it won't fire. I love that his girlfriend, she must have been so just done with him. Be like, yeah, play it then. Do it then. Yeah, Russian roulette. Yeah, let's see it then. A rational person would make them stop.

Correct. I don't want make them stop. Correct. I don't want to watch you do this. No, not with three bullets. I can see her not even like caring that he killed himself. Just like pissed that she had to like, she's like, good. Now I got to fucking clean this up. My new carpet. God damn it.

That's crazy. I got something to say about this. Sure. Oh, I got to say something to say. That's a really nice dress. No one ever No one's gonna compliment On the

See alright You just broke up With your girlfriend Let's give it two seconds Let's give it two minutes Hey man On the air On the air

It's not time To hit on a girl I wasn't I wasn't It's never okay To compliment a woman He's hard I can see it

No no no I appreciate the compliment I'm sorry See See Let the woman speak for herself. For those of you out there in Radioland, it's a pretty nice dress, though. It is a nice dress.

It has lots of colors in it. Very flattering. I like Jackie's dumb fucking shirt. I have fucking polka dots. I got fucking only fucking colors on. I like your shirt, Jackie. I complimented Jackie, too. I said she had a glow.

Yeah, he said I was fucking glowing like I was goddamn knocked up with a fucking alien inside of me. Yeah, I said that. Yeah, and I said you smell like a bag of bricks, so we're even. Jackie's been gardening. Yeah, I got all these fucking peppers, man. Fucking peppers. What kind of peppers?

All kinds of peppers. You're eating peppers? I got green peppers. I got fucking jalapenos. Cherry peppers. I got cherry peppers. I got fucking yellow peppers. Habaneros? I got some fucking of peppers. You're eating peppers? You're growing them? I got green peppers. I got fucking jalapenos peppers. Cherry peppers? I got cherry peppers. I got fucking yellow peppers.

Habaneros? I got some fucking habaneros growing. Why don't you try to grow tomatoes or something? I hate tomatoes. Wow. Whoa. Damn. Jesus Christ. What's wrong with the tomato, Jackie?

I have acid reflux. You read as an Italian. How do you feel about that? I'm really upset with you. I'm an Italian. I'm growing basil. I'm going to let down. I got a bunch of basil. I thought we were friends.

You lied to me. You lied to me. Don't do it like this, Reed. I'll do you like that. I'll do you like that. Radio Land, he's black. Yeah. Let me see your ID.

License and registration. What are you doing? If you have it, you're white. Alright, so Guy is dead. Russian roulette. Bullet to the brain. Fuck yeah. Rock and roll.

Never dies. ACDC. Highway to hell. Alright. He's dead. Bullet to the brain. Fuck yeah. Rock and roll. Never dies. ACDC. Highway to hell. All right. Next news story. A young British woman who was filmed giving oral sex to 24 men in two minutes at a club in Spain thought she was going to win a holiday for doing the stunt. That would be awesome.

I would totally do that. Yeah, this is really, It gets real sad here. Instead, after she was done, she found out Holiday was the name of a $5 drink she had won. So she sucked off 24 dudes. I bet they played Madonna's song while it was Christmas.

She really sucked off 24 dudes in two minutes. I bet none of them came. No, none of them. She just put her mouth on all their dicks. But then the video went viral. Oh, it did? Yeah. I bet it's popular. It's a video? Yeah, so it kind of ruined

her life. Let's watch it. Definitely getting sucked off. It doesn't mean just blowing a dick. No, it could be kissing, right? I've lied about it. A girl maybe kissed and put it back. It's too big. And then I told my friends she blew me. Alright, camo shorts. Yeah, crushing

life. They don't even look like camo shorts. This looks like it's wet in all the wrong spots. It does. Yeah, that's a good point. That's how I get the ladies. You don't get any ladies. Man, I'm rebounding all the time. It's been a day. Nah, I'm rebounding all the the time. It's been a day.

No, I'm rebounding all the time. I got a whole bunch of ladies on my line. I think he's crying right now. You loved her two days ago. Hey, man. No, I'm doing all types of cool shit, man. Girls love me, man. What?

What? J-Lo. There she is. There's one. Three pumps. Yeah, it's like four pumps on each. That's not sucking a dude off. That's putting a penis in your mouth.

Oh, she's a very attractive girl. Very happy. Whoa. One, two. These are all soft penises. I like the censor block. Are they soft? That doesn't count.

That's sucking dudes off. If there's 24 dudes hard in the middle of a room, I think that's a bigger story. Oh, my God. Why would she even do this? Anybody could do this. She thought she was winning a holiday. Yeah.

She thought she was winning Christmas. Isn't that the holiday? It's like double Darren Hell. She didn't win Christmas. At the end of it, it should have been a little Darren Hell. Yeah, it is. I want the gap to hit her on the end. No one comes, though, so it can't.

I just want someone to come out at the very end. You know, the holiday really was the journey. Oh, that's so true. It's all time. 24 minutes. How much you learned. It's like, yo, yo, really was the journey. That's so time. Think about how much you look. It's like, yo, yo, I haven't sucked your dick yet. She does look like the kind of girl that would do that. Man, she's going to get a fucking disease.

Herpes. I hope she gets a job. It sucks that no one came in that moment. If I was there just watching, I'd get myself ready, and then when she came to suck my dick, I'd just blow a load in her face. That's a good idea. I'm so good at it. Then you're just that dude surrounded by a bunch of other dudes furiously beating off. No, no.

I was going to think you're beating off to all the dicks. This is true. You got to plan ahead. Then they'll punch your penis, dude, and that's the worst pain ever. I'm sorry if I'm a little 2014, but is it okay for a man just to jerk off in front of other dicks? Yeah. Is that anything to be afraid of? That's not contrarian.

No, it's not. No, not in the middle of a club. No, on a holiday zone online. I'm mad. I'm mad. I know. It's in the middle of a bar. It had to break some health code regulations.

That's how not homophobic I am. That's not how not homophobic I am. Hell yeah. Good for you. I'll jerk off in front of other dicks. Yeah, look someone in the eye. See, I'm going to look at your dick. That's not how not homophobic I am. I'll jerk off in front of her. Yeah, look someone in the eye. See, I'm going to look at you. That's great, Jordan. Yeah, exactly. Jordan Temple,

he'll jack off in front of a bunch of guys. To blow the girl's face, sure. You know what? This actually, this has some sort of precedent. This is an activity in Spain called mamading.

Oh, there's, wow. Yeah, they, So people just do this. Yeah, mamada is a Spanish slang term for performing a sex act. And there's a police investigation into a bunch of bars in Spain because this is happening quite often.

Girls are just... They're performing sex acts for free alcohol. I mean, they're taking show your tits one step further. So did she know it was going to be for a drink? Would you do it for a drink? No way, dude. Like a holiday, a fancy vacation. A fancy vacation. That's how you get tricked, though.

A fancy locale. A start. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, but when you're in Spain, you know. That's the thing, but you've got to coerce them right. You've got to be like, let me ask you this. You ever seen a panda bear? Do you want to see a panda bear?

You know what I'm saying? You start throwing little things in there. Have you ever ridden a roller coaster? Yeah. You know? Blow my nougat. I don't understand the question. All I have to do is blow your nougat? Yeah, yeah. Blow your nougat. Blow your holiday be called, right?

Yeah, I don't know. Holiday means vacation. Panda coaster extreme adventure. Really? Yeah. You get a vacation? Yeah, going on a holiday. Go on a day. Blow more dudes? She thought she was going to get a week vacation to blow more dudes. Yeah, I would blow a million fucking dudes for a fucking free vacation. God damn, I need to go on vacation so bad.

I did the math just right now. Assuming it's like a $10 drink or whatever. It's a $5 drink. 41 cents per suck off. That's real bad. You have to deal with all of that and just the video. The running around, getting sweaty and stuff. Yeah, real physical fear.

I bet she got laid hard after that, though, right? I think she got real sad, probably. I think she got really sad when they handed her a $5 drink. Yeah, but it was a free drink. I think she got sad enough that it made the news and didn't stay a secret. Yeah. Yeah. She was not expecting that.

Did she press charges? No, I mean... She did it. I don't know. For Tom Fullery? False advertising? Yeah. I mean, they offered her a holiday.

I mean, the only thing, you know... She's guilty of having a fantastic brain. Of having an imagination that is bigger than what the world... You mean brain doesn't blow job? I guess she's a prostitute now, though. It's like a whimsical prostitute. She's a 41 cent prostitute. She's so weird with a couple of pumps, though.

How would you feel afterwards? You get a double pump and then she leaves and does it to someone else? She probably didn't realize she was doing it until she was 13 and in. Wait a minute. I just realized something. This Spanish destination, this is a vacation getaway

in and of itself. What? So she's on vacation trying to win. Yeah, where is she going to go? She's getting greedy, man. We're going to send you to Pittsburgh. She's in the vacation hot spot. Yeah, and what this contest that they have, the

Mamading, is what they do is they give, they have these huge sex act contests where these women blow all these dudes. And then if they win, if they do it in a certain amount of time, then they get free beer at that particular bar for the rest of their vacation. I always wanted to go to Spain. That's a better holiday. That's a better holiday. I would say cell phones down, though. If you're going to do it, Jax, cell phones down.

Yeah, cell phones down. Don't have anybody fucking filming. No one's going to. You can't monitor that. I mean, if she's blowing everybody, I feel like if you see a cell phone, you got to stop the suck. You know what was kind of shocking to me was she actually looked kind of hot. Yeah, she was pretty cute. She's a hot drunk girl.

That's all. She's kind of hot. There's a lot of hot drunk girls that'll give you a two-pump suck. That's true. I have never seen or had a two-pump suck from a hot girl at a party. I got that. You got a two-pump suck? Whatever with it.

I got like four of them shits. Oh, my God. I'm crushing life. I'm getting over all types of shit. You got four two-pump suck or one four-pump suck? Hey, man, I'm living my life. I'm not into joke math right now. I'm getting to getting these blowjobs. I'm just over all types of shit. You got four two-pump suck or one four-pump suck? Hey, man, I'm living my life. I'm not into joke math right now. I'm getting to getting these blowjobs.

I'm just going to... I know what she's saying. Well, chicks love to suck you off, Jordan. I'm sure of that. I'm crushing it. What is... So what's happening then? This girl, she's going to press charges or she's just kind of embarrassed?

I mean, she has no legal recourse here. Yeah, not really. What do you think, Tiff? Would you do it? I don't think so. Okay, no. I would have to say I'd have to give a good old no on that. What about 10 years ago?

Nope. 20 years ago. 20 years ago. From the womb 50 years ago. When I was 11, I think I would have to say no again. Once again, I'm sorry, you guys. What if 30 years ago? When I was one, I can't account for what I was thinking when I was one years old.

If you were 11 and it was Santa Claus. I would win Christmas. A bunch of Santa Claus. And a bunch of elves. 24 Santa Clauses. I'm sure this has happened. It's very sad and very disgusting. They would just crack a little case there.

Like the Santa run that happens in Brooklyn, right? Yeah. It's just like that. Just Manhattan. It's just like that. It is like that. That fucking horrible thing. Everyone knows.

Yeah, we all know your feelings on Santa. Goddamn. Burn him to the ground. You know what sticks the Santa suits real well? Fucking fire and gasoline. That'll really stick to anything you put it on. You know?

That's one of those things. Yeah, this bottle of liquor, it was a $5 bottle of liquor. It was... The whole bottle? It was called... Well, it was called... It was called Cava.

It's a Spanish sparkling wine. That's terrible. For a wine. Yeah. That's not. For a wine. That's not good. To still be sober? To be sober and blow all those dudes? And you just have to be... I mean, do they do that?

I mean, you can look at this picture right here. She's not sober. I don't think she's sober. This is her pre-sober. No, no, no. She was mad. She looks too young. She looks like 17 and a half.

She looks mad young. Oh, yeah. You know her parents were two blocks away. I'm sorry. I missed this in the story if it happened. She's upset or there's nothing about her. I mean, no one has a statement from her, so she might not even give a shit now.

She's probably hiding. I would assume she's not thrilled. Yeah. Maybe. I mean, you never know. She might just be fucking crazy about it. Do they do something called Oysterine where dudes just go licking a bunch of gals

in their vagina? Did you just make that up? Oysterine is pretty good. Can I do that? If it's a thing? What do you call it? Clam diving. What is that? When a dude just blows... When a guy just gets two licks.

24 women lined up. I like eating pussy. I think 24 is way too much. How much do you think that would cost? 24 pussies? 41 cents. Yeah, two licks of pussy. Two dozen.

Yeah. I got to watch all of them take a fucking shower. I don't think that's a part of the clam diving. Natural, man. Come on. And I have to know what their cycle's like, if they're also roommates, see if their cycle's around the same time. Jordan, you're so fucking high maintenance, man. Is that why she left you?

I would like to watch them all shower. Yeah, that'd be fun. For a totally different reason. Over my microphone. It's kind of an Eiffel Tower on Jackie there. I'm feeling pretty good about myself. Do you want a cigar, man? I wish.

Eat a big turkey leg. I want to buy part of the globe. Part of the globe? I believe he said globe. Did he say globe? It sounded like globe. Give him part of the globe? I think that I believe he said globe Did he say globe? It sounded like globe But No no

Give him part of the globe Give him part of it Well I'm sure Ladies would love to be With you Jordan But at the end of the day If you do it Yo

Yo big props to you You're not gonna If I do what? Yeah but he's gonna Piss on you And you have to take him Out to dinner You've made these

I'll do both at the same time. I'll do, man. I mean, don't ruin food. Yeah, that's true. Jordan, I just got to say, you're welcome for me not being on the market anymore, because you know, at the end of the day, the babies love Papa H-y bone. Ew. No one says that.

You're like, take a dive into this fucking asshole. His penis is shaped like an H. Yeah, it really is. There's bones. There's actual bones in it. There's actual bones. You gotta pick the bones out like you're eating fish. That's right. You are vomitous.

Oh my god. On Christmas, I say, hey, baby, baby, you wanna meet the Grinch? You know what I'm saying? It's gonna ruin your holiday. Okay, next. That sounds like a bad time. I can't wait. I almost threw your fucking kid one night. Next news story.

Police say a southern Lancaster county man in Pennsylvania assaulted another man on Wednesday because he refused to party with him. State police were dispatched to a home in the 200 block of Black Baron Road for a report of a fight shortly before 1230 a.m. Richard Edgar Hill, 29, of Peach Bottom, tackled a 21-year-old Avondale man and then struck him in the head with a glass hummingbird feeder because he was, quote, refusing to party with him. Man, everyone's been hit.

If you don't party, you get hit. That's right. Everyone's been hit when you're not partying. So you're in favor of the man who hit the fella? Yeah, man, and a hummingbird veer that's awesome That's great that he had that That's the best kind of peer pressure I know people that didn't go out to parties

With me and like a couple times We just smacked up our friend And we realized that wasn't our friend at all I was definitely forced to puke at parties So I could continue on drinking I have a lot of sympathy for this guy Because there's a lot of definitions of partying. If he asked him, hey, you want to party?

Yeah, I'd love to eat a couple tacos and go to a drive-in movie. But he was probably thinking like, yeah, let's do some coke and have a girl blow 24 dudes. Duct tape was involved. You were partying with me?

You were partying? You were part playing with me? That's not a part of it. Why you wanna play with me, man? It sounds like that's what's supposed to happen in Peach Bottom, though. Yeah.

Yeah. Peach Bottom's a very interesting name. Sounds like Young Butts. Peach Bottom, Pennsylvania. In Peach Bottom, the scariest thing to hit someone with is a hummingbird feeder.

That's the worst thing you could do. I mean, that'll mess you up and now all those hungry hummingbirds who weren't gonna be able to... These poor... That's the worst thing you can do That'll mess you up and now all those hungry hummingbirds Who weren't going to be able to That's the real victim In the story is the poor hummingbirds

Of peachy Peachy? Peach bottom Pennsylvania All hummingbirds are fucking nose whores Whoa If Bert Luger were here to hear that right now But he's not fucking here.

That's true. Oh my god. Well coming, birds. No, Jackie! Yeah, man, wings too fast, too small, look like rat man. Take it back! I won't. Fuck you, Bird Luger. Come at me, you little bitch. Whoa!

Whoa! Jackie, what you're saying is out of control right now I don't really think you understand I think I understand I think you understand right now It makes me a little nervous talking about my birds Oh man You're fucking birds you're a fucking bird looker

I own all the birds Oh man You're a fucking bird looker They do move their wings too fast They fly backwards. Other birds flap too slow. Common birds, number one. There you go, Reed.

Making a stand. You call them nose whores, though, huh? Yeah, man. They have those fucking long ass beaks. They fucking stick it in every flower, every fucking flower. It's got long fucking petals. They fucking stick their fucking noses in it. They're the best.

They can get all the cocaine at the end of the bag. I think you have a problem. You talk about cocaine a lot. I don't, but as long as you're that observant, you're my friend. You just seem to be rocking back and forth a lot during this episode. Look at my lips a lot? Hey, why are you watching me?

Just get paranoid, man. Let's get paranoid. That is the easiest criteria to be friends. They know how much coke I do. You're my friend. You're in. Yeah, yeah. I'm not worried about you,

but I like watching how much you're just ruining your life. You know what? A hummingbird can flap his wings up to 200 times per second. Per second? Fuck yeah. Is that the fastest flap? That hummingbird can flap his wings up to 200 times per second. Per second? Fuck yeah. Is that the fastest flap? That's the highest flap. It makes that chick who blew those dudes in two minutes look real weak. If I could beat my dick that fast, that would be sad.

No, I'm with a whole bunch of chicks. Yeah, no, Jordan. Jesus Christ, you're falling apart. Temple's falling apart. Temple's falling apart. There's no doubt about it. Reed, what other things are there in life to believe in besides coke and women? Humminbirds.

So much. They can fly 34 miles per hour backwards or upside down. That's faster than I can fly. Can we see a video? I want to see a backwards hummingbird. Well, upside down. I want to see upside down. Yeah.

Well, let me see if I can find it. I don't know. They're moving so fucking fast. I don't think you can tape that shit. I agree. I would argue it's going to lead

to a bad radio segment. I saw my first hummingbird when I was in Wisconsin, USA. You saw a hummingbird in Wisconsin? Yeah, it was nice. That's great. I love hummingbirds.

Oh, they're wonderful creatures. Yeah, they hum and then the birds. No, man, give me a toucan. You're going to give me a bird? Give me a fucking toucan. They're different. A toucan can't suck out the pollen from a flower. A toucan can rip your fucking face off.

That's why toucans are awesome. They will. You know what the toucan eats? They'll just sell fruit loops. Fuck toucans, Sam. And fuck toucans. They are dangerous creatures. They look dangerous.

Very dangerous. Toucans. Toucans. Yeah, yeah. Put them all in a bag and throw it against the wall. That's what I say. I agree with you, Eddie. Toucan Sam is like my least favorite fucking cereal box cartoon.

Really? Well, I'll tell you one thing. He's a piece of shit, man. I don't like him. I don't trust him. I googled, is a toucan dangerous to humans? And the top answer is, yes, they are because they have a hard beak and they have very strong teeth that can hurt a person

when you go near them. Teeth? I'm pretty sure. That's what it says. I'm pretty sure. Is that the end of that? Yeah. It says I'm pretty sure. Excellent. So Jackie, yeah, you gotta get your old, let's say your flower is ready

for a bird to come. I want it to get gnashed on. Google, buy a toucan? Yeah. I don't want a tiny little, like fucking Pinocchio's nose going up and down my fucking bird down there. But it's nice when a little hummingbird does it. It's sweet. It's like the movies.

It's like Cinderella. I want it gnashed. I mean, some people like string fries and some people like mashed potatoes. I like curly fries. I like waffle fries. That's fair. I like cocaine. Oh, my God.

Sweet. Oh, I'm not sure. Cocaine's the new N-word with this one. With this one. What are you? I'm a human being. With this, I don't even care. Holden Manor's hell.

I believe in it. Cocaine's the new N-word. I've had enough of these cocaines moving into my neighborhood. It's the C-word, please. The C-word. Petting my dogs. All these cocaines stealing shit. Is that the problem with immigrants?

Petting your dogs? Yeah, I think that's what they're up to now. That's crazy. Jordan, you're going to find love real soon. Oh, yeah. Love is always in my heart. Yep. And Marcus.

I just want to say by one, I meant future president. So there you go. What happened? I said by one, I meant future potential president. So there you go. What happened? I said by one, I meant future potential president. I've had enough of these potential future presidents moving into my neighborhood. All right, Marcus.

What do we got? Do we have a toucan attack or do we have another story? No toucan attacks. It's just a lot of those bullshit videos on YouTube. You know when you write in fucking animal attack,

like a certain name of an animal and attack, and then it's just some motherfucker trying to get clicks. It's very fucking frustrating. I understand. Very frustrating. I do have another drunk story, though. Okay. A highly intoxicated

man was arrested in Georgia Wednesday after he claimed his dog... Georgia... Our Georgia? Russia, Georgia. Oh, I hate him. Our Georgia. So... Which one is it? Our Georgia. Oh, I hate them. Our Georgia. So, just wait. Wait, which one is it?

Our Georgia. Oh. Okay, fine. That makes sense. All right, now I've got to start all over again. I'll be clear. I had to know if I hated them or if I liked them. Our Georgia.

Alban Brothers on repeat. A man was arrested in Georgia after he claimed his dog drove him to the store. Why'd they arrest him? My dog drove me to the store. Is that the America we live in? People are getting arrested for imaginations? Yes, I'm right. My beagle is the best kind of beagle

because it can drive with two hands. Excuse me, sir. Did you drive to the store? No, no. My dog drove me. My dog, yeah. Apparently these officers don't believe in magic. This is pathetic. If you have a German shepherd, then I

would believe it. Sure, a German shepherd could do it. I mean, kids have driven their fathers to the store for years. Dogs have. I've seen pictures of dogs behind the wheel. May I quote, with legal precedent, the movie The Shaggy Dog, starring Tim Allen? Yeah. So maybe dogs may not be dogs in the inside.

They might be Tim Allen. And yes, they can drive. Yeah. I should beat his dudes lawyerly. Are we going to start quoting Jungle to Jungle next? Because I got a few in my backlog. What you got? My son's a fucking native.

Yeah, I love that movie! I did not know that, Jackie. Have you ever seen Jungle to Jungle? I don't know that, Jackie. I did not know. Have you ever seen Jungle the Jungle? I don't know if you have. Reed knows Jungle the Jungle. No, he has the blow dart gun. He's like, I'm going to get this fly. Oh, my foot.

JTT's in it, right? JTT, TA, love them all. Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Were you in love with him when you were young, Jackie? No, he had idiot hair. Okay. I was more a Lance Bass kind of girl. Yeah.

The gayer they get, the more I like them. The more they like you, too. We don't want to get into our human interest story for this week. Human interest. I love a good human interest story. For young singer Cassie Graves, it takes more than just an extra strong mint or a stick of chewing gum to freshen her breath. The 22-year-old

has been forced to change her diet after being diagnosed with a rare but debilitating condition, fish odor syndrome. The smell can be so strong it can engulf a room and the condition has left the singer... And it comes out of her mouth? It comes out of her mouth, it comes out of her mouth. It comes out of her skin.

It comes out of her sweat. It comes out of everything. And she doesn't smell like an alive fish would smell bad to begin with. She smells like a dead fish? The disorder causes the chemical that her body cannot break down to build up in her system before it is released in her sweat, urine and breath, giving off a strong

fishy odor. She said you know when you go to the food market and there's rotting fish? That's what I smell like. She owns it, though. Can she smell herself? She does own it. I mean, she's holding a plate of fish in the picture. It doesn't say in the article how proud she is to say that.

You know when you go to the store and you smell a dead fish? That's how I smell it. That's right. Oh, yeah. The picture that they have of her holding a plate of two fish is a little bit. Not one fish, two fish. She should just live in a little shanty by the dock. Yeah, live in a fishing community.

Nobody would know the difference. If you smell like a paper mill, then go to a paper mill town. Second of all, what kind of store is she going to that's filled with fucking rotting fish? Yeah, I don't smell rotting fish at the grocery store. I wouldn't go back. She's so great in Japan. They love fish.

A lot of different cultures enjoy fish. She should go to Japan. I feel like maybe she's just midway between changing and her mutant abilities. Something like that. That would be sweet. That would be great. She's turning into a dolphin. She's turning into a mermaid.

That's going to be beautiful. Oh my gosh. That would be so nice. She's had trouble getting a job, though. She said, she continued, the whiff comes out from my skin and hair. I sweat it out, and it doesn't matter how many showers I take. I just can't get rid of it. There are times when I smelled so badly of fish that my mom wouldn't let me go to school

because she didn't want me to be bullied by the other kids. So she's dumb, and she smells like fish. She has a good mom. Anything I could to get this kid out of my house, this little stupid fishy kid. It's a nice mom. And she can't smell her own odor. She can't. She can't smell it.

I mean, you know, the nose gets used to the odor. That's why, like, dudes put on way too much perfume, or cologne, rather, because they don't realize. It's the greatest prank of all time. Because she goes to the club. She probably goes to the club and always smells like she's DTF. And her friends always say, she smells likeTF. She always says she smells like fish. She smells like fish.

Yeah. That's hardcore. Hey, who smells fish? Oh, man. The smell first became noticeable when she was three years old when her sister first picked up on it. She said, I used to share my bedroom with my sister, and she started complaining about how much I stank of fish. Oh, that's awful. At least, I mean, fish is something that exists. People like the odors. and she started complaining about how much I stank of fish. At least, I mean, fish is something that exists.

People like the odor sometimes. I think that's worse than an identifiable odor. I'd rather smell like something and people be like, oh, what does this smell like? Is it a hot, hot dead body buried under hair? Or is it a big fish stuffed full of old taco meat? I'd rather have it be indiscernible than fish. It's definitely fish.

Everyone can unite against you. She can definitely go to my grandma's house. Every Friday, my grandma has fish night. That sounds great. And it reeks of fish, but that could definitely be my girlfriend. Yeah, that's the thing. If it's like a... what's a seafood place?

A cohoot. A cohoot. Yeah, so I mean, obviously they get a bunch of shitty ass fish in there. It doesn't really smell like fish. Have her in the corner. Yeah. Make her a freshener. Make it smell authentic.

She isn't supposed to smell fishing. But rotting fish is what we're talking about. Well, yeah. But I would assume that she probably has a better fish smell sometimes than other times. Cover her in grease. Well, she's had to change her diet completely. She's had to get rid of meat and dark green leafy vegetables. No, broccoli.

And fish, which is horrible. That's the worst part because fish fingers were her favorite food. Oh, I wonder why, fish lady. Oh, fish fingers. It's cannibalism. She's just cannibalism. She's just rubbing that bean. You know what I'm saying?

Just rubbing that bean. Fish fingers. Wait, has any of these dietary changes helped at all? Yes, they have. They have. She said, over the years, I've tried to reintroduce small amounts of fish into my diet again to see if I had grown out of it. But each time, I wake up the next morning and my whole bedroom reeks of fish.

Man, it's like asparagus piss. I used to love dying fish, but now I smell like clams. Not bad. Are they fresh clams? People love good clams. People love a clam. Had some raw clams last night. I had some oysters last night.

Me too. Fuck yeah, dude. Fuck yeah. Really upsetting. I feel like the one thing I've got is that I never smell bad. That's true. Yeah. I've got a lot of bad things.

You've got a lot, Jackie. What are you talking about? But I never smell bad. You know? It's great. I do my best not to stink. Yeah. I think most people do.

I believe in you, Ed. Eddie does smell, though. I don't smell. People say you smell like bologna. Well, you smell like bologna, but you also shower three times a day. So you're sort of like the bologna version of this girl. I'd rather bologna than fish. I'd rather bologna than fish.

Absolutely. I don't know. I think I'd like to have fish. No. I never ordered the bologna at a restaurant. It's true. I've eaten at every restaurant Ed's eaten at, and he's never ordered the bologna. I agree. It's true. I've eaten at every restaurant Ed's eaten at, and he's never ordered the bologna.

I agree. You guys use regular deodorant or antiperspirant? Old Spice. Old Spice. Anti-perspirant. Anti-perspirant doesn't exist anymore. I don't give a shit if I get Down syndrome or whatever. They just claim that it gives you.

Old Spice is great. Yeah. I love Old Spice. Oh, I'm using Brut right now. You idiot. That's no good. You made the wrong choice.ute right now. You idiot. That's no good. You made the wrong choice. Hey, man.

It's legit. It's legit. I promise. A lot of people who use Brute have girlfriends who leave them. Wow. There's a correlation. Oh, wow. That's not interesting.

Really? But then your girlfriend left you. Huh? No. And then you use Brute. Hey, man. My dick is huge. I'm doing great things in life.

Have you guys ever been with, have you ever been with someone that uses that crystal for deodorant? Oh, it's not. It doesn't work. It's a crystal. What are you talking about?

There's a crystal that you use as deodorant and it is a crystal. Wait, are you talking about like a big bug? You're talking about a big bug and they scratch up their armpits with it.

You put water on it. Yeah, and you use it as a deodorant and I used to find them in the bathroom at work all the time. Because some customer would use a rock. And I was like, why do I keep finding these crystals in here? And then I found it was deodorant. I was like, but this is a rock.

Probably the same guy who put the camera in there watching everybody take their pee-pees. Yeah, man. Same guy who fucking sits on, like, puts his feet up on the toilet like an aguila that's what the mexicans call them oh yeah you gotta squat like yeah he squats up get that good shit are you talking about like a squatty potty like like yeah we always find um footprints on our toilet seats at work and then they dump it down yeah they dump down they squat up and they dump apparently this squatty potty thing is sweeping the nation. Yeah. It's a shit clean, man. That's how you're supposed to birth a child, too.

I've done it in public restrooms. What about the toilet paper thing? Put your feet up, man. Put your feet up. I'm too big to do it. Squatting is your natural position. So it's a little, like, step stool kind of thing that goes around the toilet, and you step on it and squat down.

Apparently, you will shit better than you've ever shit in your life. It just falls right out. To be fair, I like taking a shit standing firmly upright. No squatting whatsoever. Like a horse. Yeah, I like to feel it dribble down my leg because otherwise I don't know when I'm done. How do you know when you're done if you don't feel it dripping down your leg? Can anyone answer me that?

Speaking of feces, this disorder this girl has, the smell can be one of three things. It could be rotting fish, garbage, or shit. No. She does smell like shit. She just smells like shit. None of those things. No, no, no.

She got lucky. She got the fish because out of those three, I would rather smell like fish rather than garbage or shit. Or shit, yeah. Yeah. Some people just smell like shit all the time.

I don't know. I have to go for garbage. Can I go the time. I have to go for garbage. I have to go for garbage because that's nondescript. That's not like, ooh, you're a big rotting fish. It's your big bag of garbage. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, you know, there's some variety in there.

Yeah, shit and fish go into garbage. No, no, no, shit goes somewhere else. Eddie, what are you up to? Shit goes somewhere else altogether. Sometimes shit goes to garbage. I've been pooping for seven years now, and I go right into the trash can. Standing up. I'm a bag man myself.

I have to say, though, this article really makes me feel thankful that none of us have this. I think we should just take a moment of thanks. I'll let you know, if you had it, I'm sorry. I'm not friends with you. I know. I think we should just take a moment of thanks. I'll let you know if you had it, I'm sorry, I'm not friends with you. I know. I can't do it. That's honest.

Well, man, speaking of that, this girl, she has a boyfriend. Of course she does. I want to see his picture. Was he the one playing Russian roulette?

What if he smells like butter? You know, something like that. Rub it on me. That'd be perfect. That's a match made in heaven. Tartar sauce, boy. Yeah.

I smell like chunky pickles. Well, this girl says about her boyfriend that she hasn't left him yet. She said, he helps me with my restricted diet. We also have a pact that if I stink of fish in the morning, he'll tell me immediately and try not to laugh. She said on Valentine's Day, her boyfriend,

whose name is Dom Oliver. She'll take what she can get. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She said that he treated me to a lovely meal at a posh restaurant. I was swept away by the whole occasion

and stupidly, I thought I'd treat myself and try some seafood. Never with the seafood! Valentine's Day! Later during that evening, I absolutely stank of fish. Not romantic at all.

You spend that kind of money, you gotta fuck her. She could have a tumor in her brain. And a nice guy will have sex with a fishy smelling woman. That's just so stupid though. I'll treat myself to how much you have to love seafood. She loves seafood. I would never have any seafood.

I would never. I would throw it away. Okay, no more seafood. What would you eat? Crackers? No meat. No vegetables. No seafood.

Crackers? What else would I eat? There are so many other things to eat. No, those are my favorite things. Noodles. Pop-tarts are great. Noodles and cheese. Spaghetti, yeah.

She's going to turn into a fucking air balloon. Balloon air. What are they called? Hot air balloon. Hot air balloon. I'd rather a big woman than a stinky woman, man. I think we'd all say that. You mean big rather than stinky? Oh, absolutely. Oh, we'd all say that. You mean big rather than stinky?

Oh, absolutely. Yeah, baby, I got it going on. Oh, come on, J. You're crushing life right now. By these standards, Jackie, you're extremely attractive. I'm crushing it, man. I'm crushing it.

You really are. And in addition to all of this, this girl is also an aspiring singer-songwriter. Ugh, stop it. She's got a new album coming out that's called Unpunished. I mean, totally punished. I get it now.

Now we know why she did the article in the first place, because who would talk about smelling like fish unless they're trying to sell their album? Exactly. And this is the Daily Mail. Daily Mail's no joke. I love Daily Mail. Does she just get called?

It's definitely a joke, but it's called Unpunished. Does she go by her real name or did she change her name? Her name is Cassie Graves. Fishy Fish? Cassie Graves? Yeah. That's kind of a cool name for a songwriter. That's kind of cool.

I just feel like she... By the way, I'm sure this is some fucking shitty pop album, but if she was, like, metal or something, she'd fucking be a huge hit. I wish on the cover of the CD they had, like, a scratch and a sniff. It's like, you want to smell Cassie Graves? Scratch and a sniff. Yeah, tune it with me. fucking be a huge hit. I wish on the cover of the CD they had a scratcher sniff. It's like, you want to smell Cassie Graves' scratcher? Yeah. She was metal.

If she was punk or metal, it'd be fucking huge. They'd love it. They'd be like, yeah. And she smells like fish, bro! Smell like fish! They love it. You could say Cassie Graves, I smell like I came straight from the grave. You should be here. You should be your boss. I should be a manager to most of the

musicians in America. I believe it. I mean, her video has 12,000 hits. There you go. It's so fucking aggravating. I just wish one of us smelled like fish. If one of us smelled like fish, we'd get that kind of shit. Man, those views don't mean shit.

I got 7,000 views. I did a perfect push-up video five years ago. And it's fucking horrible. Look at him now. Yeah, look at him now. He's coked out of his fucking skull. I'm saying, I'm not singing or displaying a talent. I'm doing something that everyone should know how to do

just by following instructions. Perfect push-ups. The actual fucking handlebar things. Before your YouTube username was Jordan Temple, what was it? J to the oh so cool. What a dork.

J to the oh so cool. Or you could even put in perfect push-ups part one. You made more than one part? They didn't actually Say that to me because I didn't make a part So he's like hey bro it's been a couple months What's up?

These are all white guys doing perfect push-ups Put J to the O so cool You'll find it How do you spell that? J-T-O J-T-O The O How do you spell that? J-T-O. T-O. All one word. J-T-O. The.

The. O. Capital O. Jesus Christ. So. So. S-O. Cool.

This is the worst plug we've ever had. Yeah, it's just bad. It's fucking horrible. Oh, I also have a show I'm starting. Oh, shut up. Yeah, shut up, Jordan. Good God. I've never been so aggravated by a human being in my entire life. I don't know if that's true.

That is not. Actually, Ben and I have hung out a couple of times. You found it. Oh, shit. Here we go. The perfect picture. Perfect picture. It's Daisy by Jordan.

I've seen this already. Your hair looks better like that. Yeah. Dude, did you lose a lot of weight? You were fat as shit My weight is always fluctuating You look like Carmelone What are you talking about?

We haven't even seen a push up yet Yo this shit crushes It's two minutes Here we go That's not a perfect push-up. What are you wearing, sandals? Crushing it. Well, go to the Roundtable Gentlemen Facebook page to see guest Jordan Temple demonstrating

the perfect push-up. That's fucking socks, you piece of shit. Your stand-up video had 200 hits. Oh, my. People know good YouTube content when they can see it. Hey, man. There's a link to the other. That's the only reason why I had to say it. Nah, it's fine. Oh my People know good YouTube content Where they can see Hey man There's a link to the other That's the only reason why I had that

Nah it's fine We don't need to plug that Yeah perfect And that's sad though You just did that yourself Huh? Yeah I did that like five years ago

I was doing stand up And what was the motivation? Just for fun I was like I had two weeks in between I just finished high school and I was going to college and I was mad bored. Yeah, man.

A lot of times people go with their friends, have some drinks or something. I don't have any friends, man. My video push-ups. You'll never find mine. They're very deep. And now it's time for a segment from Holden McNeely.

Oh, say can you God damn it. Marius is hosting a 4th of July party too late. Because it already happened. But it's going to happen on the 8th instead of the 4th. Russian 4th of July. Yeah, Russian 4th of July. And he spares no expense when it comes to showing his love for America.

So we all need to come up with some sort of ceremonial I love you America, some sort of happening at this event. I will start. We get a racetrack. Okay. Alright. We get a dog, a racing dog, a greyhound. Greyhound. Okay.

Paint him red, white, and blue. We paint him red, white, and blue. We paint them red, white, and blue. And then we get a turtle. Paint them with the France flag. We get, you know, we get the slow animals. We get like an iguana. Paint them with the Spain flag. Sloth. Yeah, sloth. Paint them with the fucking

Egypt flag. Brazil. Brazil flag. We get all the slow animals, put them in a line with the greyhound, paint them with the different flags, and boom, we do a race. Greyhound fucking kicks it, fucking rules the school, runs around, beats all the things, and then we set the track on fire and see who gets out alive. Okay, now that's the hook I was looking for.

Yeah, yeah, that's the hook you need, friend. Yeah, you got to have it. Well, the turtle, I think, could survive. Turtles can survive fire. Yeah, they're pretty good at it. They're pretty intense creatures. We'll strap them with TNT or something. Great.

Just so long as the turtle doesn't win. Yeah. All right, racetrack. Good turtle. Yep, racetrack fire. Racetrack fire with the American Greyhound dog. I like it. Can we make sure that the American Greyhound dogs don't die?

Yeah, he'll get out. Cool. Yeah, we'll train him to jump over firewalls before we start the event. The whole thing is just an event for the July 4th holiday? Yeah, it's going to just be a big party, and then you just kind of want to throw something in, a little spice in there to make everybody chant USA. Honor America. Take the pot to cook up.

So, Reid, what do you got? I want to do everything that America stands for in one big party. I'm talking playing some Rolling Stones, talking about my generation. Get that big old, get some big soupy noodles in there. That big flag of ours with the giant red dot.

Everything America stands for, that's all I care about. There you go. That's good. I love a red dot flag go. Yeah, man. Hell yeah, man. That's good. Hell yeah. Talking about my day in origin. Good traditional American party. Yeah.

Beautiful. Egg rolls and stuff. You're an idiot. Kessel, what do you got for us? Oh, let's see. America. So that's an Uncle Sam situation. Maybe an Uncle Sam.

Right now, Ben's putting two and two two together trying to figure out what to say for his segment. I feel like I'm at the dog show. That's better as fuck. Let's see. What would you like to hear for July 4th, Marcus? No one ever asks them. What?

That is true. No one ever just asked me. Well, what would you do? What would you do? That's Ben's viewer's choice. No, I mean, I'm just asking and maybe he'll take it into consideration. You'll take it into consideration. I'm asking. I don't know, Marcus, if this is the right way to go. I feel like he's ruining the competition.

Yeah, I think this is cheating. I mean, I want to hear him out. I want to hear what Marcus has to say. Is this actually going to happen? Are we just going to disqualify Ben for cheating? I'm not cheating. I just asked you what kind of July 8th celebration you'd like to have. Marcus, it's your call.

I mean, I'm going to go ahead and disqualify you. Disqualify! Disqualify! First time in a year. Get out of here. Get out of here. Get out of here. No!

You know what? I'm not disqualifying for cheating. I'm disqualifying you for unsportsmanlike conduct. We're in the bylaws. Traveling foul ball. There's no rule against it. Tiffany, what do you say? There's never been a rule against that.

Now there is. It just happened. It happened right now. Marcus is the champion of the rules. Yeah. Marcus is king of the rules. I get to make him up. We don't need a rule for everything.

Yeah. No committees. Just Marcus. Well, that's something fun then. I always said something. I always had a good idea. Tiffany, what do you have for us? Here's how it's going to go.

How's it going to go? For your July 4th, July 8th celebration, it's actually going to happen on July 12th. No. Because that is my birthday. Oh, well, okay. Now you're making it all about you. It is all about me. You're going to speak to America's greatest patriot, Tiffany Baker, and you're going to

go to science lab. You're going to learn how to be a really good fireworks maker, and you're going to set off all the fireworks, and they're going to be all just my face. They're going to spell my name across the sky in America's colors, red, white, and blue, and purple, because that's my favorite color. And that's going to be your fucking July 12th celebration. Thank you very much, America. Fantastic.

Purple's my favorite color, too. Thank you very much, Eddie. It's my girlfriend's favorite color, as well. You know what? My favorite color is fucking green. That's my favorite color. That's my favorite color. But you hate frogs.

I don't understand that at all. I hate the brown frogs. Oh. Let's not get into that. Is that racist, Jordan? That's an uh-oh alert. Tell us, Jordan. I don't know. Maybe they're poisonous. I'm tired of these brown frogs moving into

my neighborhood. Oh, God. Jordan, what do you got for us? Oh, July 4th, what do you got for us? Oh, July 4th, July 8th celebration, right? We're going to go to a sick little baseball game, right? All right. Instead of actual, like, baseball, right, what people are going to be doing, it's going to be, like, a whole bunch of naked women.

Just one woman? A whole lot of one woman. A whole bunch of naked women. Are we just going to pile? Don't understand the concept of baseball or sports at all. They just like being free. They're actually part of a nudist colony. They're like my grandma's age, but it's whatever. What we're trying to do with this holiday is try to battle all these things.

People are upset. Sounds like the Holocaust. Are you proposing the Holocaust? Is that? For your July 4th, July 8th celebration? I don't know what you're talking about. That shit ain't happening. What I'm trying to say,

I'm trying to propose that old people look good naked too. And then we get them all together. We get them all together. We can see their folds and we can watch them struggle. You see it a bunch, and you start to like it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exactly.

You see it a bunch, and then you start watching grandma porn. This is why I asked. Would you want it? No. I mean, I got to say, your stream of consciousness is very bizarre. Me, Marcus? I mean, I got to say, your stream of consciousness is very bizarre. Me, Marcus?

So we're just going to have a bunch of women, old women on a baseball field. On a baseball field. They've never seen her play baseball. A bunch of old naked ladies on the baseball field. All like half of them have dementia. Or as my grandma says, dimensions. That makes sense. So what, they're just going to be wandering around? They're going to be wandering.

They're going to be making fucking laps around each other in concentric circles in the outfield. You're going to tell them that they're shopping. Yeah. You're going to tell them that they're at Whole Foods or at Jason Kennedy's or Burlington Cold Fat Free. I fucking love this. You're going to tell them when they're up to bat and then when they're about to go up to bat. Are they playing the game?

They're not playing at all. They don't know what's going on. Half of them have dementia and then the ones that don't have dementia are trying to help the ones that do have dementia to play the game but they still don't know how it's played. So in other words, the whole thing is like it's set up like a baseball game is going on. You got the scoreboard. You got the announcers. You got the fans.

Everything's kind of being announced and brought along. You'll even have dugouts and coaches and everything set up. You've got a bunch of naked old ladies on a baseball field. They're barefoot. They're barefoot. Well, they're naked. And half of them have dementia.

You gotta make that distinction. Sometimes they might have shoes. I like to have sex with my shoes on like a lot of black porn stars. That's weird. Yeah, that is true. I've seen it. I've seen it quite a bit. It's really weird. They do like to wear their shoes. Why do people love shoes?

Don't count on me. I got on filthy ass Converse right now. Me too. All these old women, they don't know how to play baseball, but we're just going to throw a bunch of baseball equipment at them and tell them to figure it out. Treat it like a game. And just yell random, like, play ball and play bad and fly ball.

I think we've spent entirely too much time on this idea. It's chaos. I love it. I was just trying to figure something up. I agree with it. Jackie, what do you got? I sort of love this. This does sound like. Some people don't have grandmas, too. They could be rooting for them. You know what I mean with it. Jackie, what do you got? I sort of love this. This does sound like...

Some people don't have grandmas, too. They would be rooting for them. You know what I mean? True. Very true. Grandmas, definitely. You got to. I'm kind of glad that you got DQ'd because I need you with my idea.

Thank you, Jackie. I'm here to help you. All right. We're going to call it the American Purge. And I say that we're going to get all of our biggest Americans together. We're going to band together. Physically big. Physically big.

Mentally big. Hatefully big. We're going to be draped in our flags. We're going to be singing. We're going to have torches. We're going to go through the streets. Find people that don't agree with us. Find people that rape women.

Find people that hurt dogs and children. We're going to round them all up. Very kind of similar to Jordan's idea, but we're going to make them be the cheerleaders of our football game. We're going to have a football game. We're going to have prison guards watch them as they're all chained up.

Force them to cheer. And at the end, we're going to wrap them all in American flags, stuff a bunch of fucking fireworks up their ass, and fucking shoot them up into outer space, man. Watch them explode over America. USA! USA!

USA! USA! Yeah, it's bad. Watch them explode. Yeah, man. We're going to watch them explode. America! America! You do that one more time, you're off the Yeah, man. We're going to watch this. Explode. America. America.

You do that one more time, you're off the show, Jordan. No one says America around here. You say America, motherfucker. America. Yeah, July 4th. America. America for rich white kids who don't know any better. Eddie, you have a lot going against you right now.

Jackie just kind of ripped it open. I can't change my idea. Mine's going to be a good time. It's not going to compete with Jackie. I already know this. Unless your idea is beat Ben to death, I don't think you're going to get out of this thing alive. I mean, here's what I'm thinking.

Okay. All right. All right. What happened? We get a bunch of fat people together. Okay. I like it. So again, we're going back.

This is just our July 4th celebration. I just want to go. We did this Saturday. We all did this on Saturday. Get a bunch of fat people together. Get a bunch of Marines together. Give everybody four Roman candles each.

Okay. Great. Then you get a spectator round of people who don't really want to get involved. They kind of get to stand on a rooftop over a giant field and look down on these people. Right as they're peaking on acid, everyone gets acid. Okay. Right as they're peaking on acid, they have a giant Roman candle fight, and it looks like

a war, but no one really gets hurt because it's just Roman candles. Yeah. And the Marines are going to shoot the fuck out of these fatties. And the fatties can get a little burned, but as you can watch them yell, Oh no! I got hit! I got hit! You know, but just like, Oh, it didn't hurt! You know?

And then we'll also, for everyone who's on acid, they get kind of, you know, sometimes you get a little destructive on acid. You know? You get a little crazy. So we're going to get a smashing pit. We're going to go over to a thrift store. We're going to clean them out. We're going to get a smashing pit. We're going to go over to a thrift store. We're going to clean them out. We're going to buy everything they got. It's going to cost $150.

A couple desks, chairs, a couple mirrors. We're going to put it all in a pit. And then all day long, you pay $5. You go in there with an axe, a sledgehammer, or a bat. You just smash all the furniture. And you have a good time. And at the end of the night, after the Roman candle fight, bonfire with all the smashed furniture. Lots of beer, lots of liquor.

That's kind of fun. That's good. I like it. We kind of used to do that in Lubbock. We call it Easter Bash. We'd go get a whole bunch of couches at the thrift store. There was this big concert that lasted all day long. You'd go get the couches, you'd watch the concert all day on the couches, and at the end of the night, you'd light

all the couches on fire. That's awesome. And we're going to get the ghost of Leonard Skinner to play. Oh, wow. Wow, Marcus is really stunned, Marcus. What do we got? What are we saying? One got a chance. One was a bit sneaky at the end.

Ghost of Leonard Skinner. It's pretty big. How are you going to get him? How are you going to get him? How are you going to get them? You just go to the field. They're there. Still there. Those ghosts ain't going nowhere.

You just go, yeah, you're ready! Yeah, yeah. Ready! Always. I mean, come on. I mean, as much as I love old lady dementia baseball,

as much as I fucking love that. You know what, Jordan? We're doing that at Thanksgiving. Yeah, I like that. We're doing that at Thanksgiving. It is the time to give thanks. Give thanks to your grandma. Yeah.

And you know what? I think what we're going to do is we're going to have the American Purge in the field that Lynyrd Skynyrd died in. Yeah! Lynyrd Skynyrd is going to have the American Purge in the field that Leonard Skinner died in. Leonard Skinner is going to play the American Purge. It's a great idea.

And you know what? Fuck it. Everyone gets acid too. Everyone gets acid. That's great. Is it time for nom nom? Can I do nom nom? Nah, you lose. Hope Nagers, ho! Do nom nom. What's nom nom? Can I do nom nom? Nah, nah, you lose. I'm sorry. Home leaders, ho!

Do nom nom. What's nom nom? All right, so I'm doing an impression real quick. This is an impression of a Vietnam vet who has PTSD and is eating a sandwich. Vietnam vet, PTSD, eating a sandwich. Mm-hmm. Huh. Huh. Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom. That's it.

Horrible. Well, I'll tell you good. Check out his YouTube video. Check him out doing push-ups on YouTube. First of all, it was half visual. It was half act out. It's a radio show. They can't see her act out on a fucking radio show.

Second of all, the pacing is off. Hey, man, I couldn't turn around and use my body. Hey, man. I thought it was a very funny joke, Jordan. I loved it. And thank you so much for being here. And Trisha Baker, thank you. And read Trisha.

Don't take that name. I like Trisha. What is that? Oh, no, it's Trisha. No, no, no, my name's Trisha now. No, no, no, no, I apologize. That's my new name, everybody. Nice, nice.

I apologize. Tiffany Baker. Only answer for Trisha. Read Trisha Fahler. Yes. All the guests. And of course, Eddie. And that's Eddie Loves You.

Or no. What's next, Ed? What happened to my brain? I don't know what happened. You smoked a lot of weed last night. That's what happened. What's next, Ed? Jack the Worm.

Geordie Ploy. Okay. Reid, what's your Twitter? Reid Failor, which won't help anyone who doesn't already know how to spell my name. Yes. Nice. That's Marcus Parks. I am Ben Kissel.

I guess that's it. Tiffany, you got anything you want to plug? Oh, you know. I'm here, Tiffany Baker. Alright, alright. I'm here, Tiffany Baker. And don't wash the undone sweaters, for Christ's sake. Dog shit's coming back first Thursday of August.

Yeah, August already. At the Grand. It's coming back. And the Cowmen are uh we're working on our album right now so look for that in about six months

very excited to see that I always love when the episodes end on a big laugh ha ha ha Jackie how you doing

man I'm fucking great I just fucking leaked out of my goddamn eyeballs hey there you go that's what we're looking for thanks Jackie