The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 205: Tea and Crimpets

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

This week on Round Table: a pig on the loose is terrorizing a small town in Maine, a woman shoots herself in the face with a shotgun to prove a point, and seagulls are running wild in Dublin. Joining us today: Doug and Bill!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay out, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Germone? Is that a name? Germone? Yeah, I'm sure someone's got the name Germone. gentlemen. Always civility. Is that a name? Germone? Yeah, I'm sure someone's got the name Germone. They shouldn't. That's a terrible name. Germone.

Yeah, Germone. It's on babynamesworld.parentsconnect.com. Oh, good. What's it mean? It's an Albanian name. Then we have to stop making fun of it, right? No, Albanian.

You can make fun of Albanians more than you can... Jermon, the chickens, they're dead. Is that an Albanian accent? Jump into the pool of mud. We'll find more chickens for you. I love it. Are you praying, Marcus? I am.

All right, well, then do it. And today... I'm a cracker made of condoms, German. Will you dine with me tonight? That's Albanian? Yeah. German! I grew a fruit testicle this morning. Will you eat it for me?

Sounds more Native American than Albanian. I guess I don't know accents. Well, today I would like to thank God on the eve of his birthday for Ben Kissel. Oh, my God. It's his birthday tomorrow. Fuck that. Thank you, Holden. I agree.

First thing I ever agreed with you. It doesn't matter. But I would like to say, 33? I'm 21 years old. Oh, God. He would be a horrible-looking 21-year-old. You should have seen me then. He was, yeah.

Yeah. No, I'm just a little baby. Yeah. But I would like to say, as your birthday present, I personally will not make any reference to your Nazi heritage for one month, and I will yell at anyone who does. I mean, it's just true, though.

And he just did. And it's not a Nazi heritage. Good God. I mean, from here on out, after this, is there a prayer? It starts after I say amen, it's over. Nah, man. I don't think you have it in you. A month?

Nah. That's fine. A whole month you got to stick up for Nazis? Nah. Stick up for them. What is wrong with you people? Are we sticking up for Nazis here? What's next?

Mussolini? What are we doing here? I'm done with the show. I'm sticking up for Ben's unfair association with the Nazis. Very fair association. Thank you, Marcus. Very unfair. Very unfair.

Very unfair. My grandfather was not. You're the Jewish Nazi. What if someone drew a picture of Bullwinkle looking like Mussolini? Wouldn't that be fun? That's kind of funny, yeah. Amen. Welcome to the show, everybody.

This is the Roundtable of Gentlemen. Who is everybody around the roundtable? Wait, so it starts now? Now it starts. Jackie Sabrowski. I'm not going to say anything about your... What is wrong with you? Your checkered past.

It's not my past! Checkers are made of toes, goddammit. I was born in North Dakota. Were you really? Yeah. Biggest baby in North Dakota. Really? Yeah.

Mom did it without any drugs. Nice. Yep. Hell yeah. Christian woman. I wish she would do Dakota. Really? Yeah. Mom did it without any drugs. Nice. Yep. Hell yeah. Christian woman. I wish she would do drugs. I'm Ed Larson. Yep.

Haltnators, hey! Stop it. Hello, and welcome back to my kingdom, Haltnators. Finally found you again. Ben, it's true, though, right, that if Jewish man is eating in a restaurant, you go eat somewhere else? No, that is not true is eating a restaurant, you go eat somewhere else? No, that is not true. Untrue.

Holden, you're toeing the line. I know I'm toeing the line. It's a hard fact. I'm asking questions. I'm making statements about his Jewish issue. I don't have an issue. Why not? You should stick up for them.

I do stick up for the Jewish people and their community. It just sounds like you're guilty. Yeah, man. It just sounds like you're plotting, man. You're just plotting all day. All right. Who else is here? Bird Luger.

Very impassioned. Thank you. How you doing, Kevin? You know, I'm doing pretty all right because I just realized, I don't know if PBR has always had this shit on the can with that cat and all these cool ass birds. Yeah, it's a whole art thing. I support that shit, man. Oh, yeah.

Yep. Bird Luger approved. PBR. There you go. Go out and drink it, kids. Not bad. Is that a pentagram made out of pizza on your shirt? Possibly.

He does have a satanic pizza shirt on, uh which is very dangerous um all right then we got the austin we got pa austin bill thank you for being here bill austin thank you very much and thank you for that giant plate of sauerkraut you brought us all today and the just keep on unbelievable i would never share my kraut don't be be ridiculous. And Doug Austin, his kid. Yes, glad to be here. Doug Austin, also a part of the Cowmen with me and Holden. Yeah, I gave the most important credit, Bill's son. That's right.

Bill, are you proud of Doug? Unbelievably, yes, absolutely. Didn't have a lot of aspirations for him, huh? There was a future in there somewhere, and I think he's found it. At least he's not dead. That's nice. Alright, Marcus, what's the news story? The runaway pig that chased two children in Maine

last week has been... It was called Henry Zebrowski. Oh, I like it. That's a funny joke because it's about not me. Let me start over because this is a wonderful fucking paragraph. This is a fantastic paragraph. I'm sorry. The runaway pig that chased two children in Maine last

week has been spotted again and now it's coming for women. So am I. Eddie, do you have an uncle that you want to tell us about? Oh, man. So the pig is looking for gals now, huh? The pig, described as black and white and weighing about 80 pounds, allegedly screamed at and chased after two children on July 8th.

A police officer on a bicycle and animal control officers looked for the pig but found only its tracks after the search came up pigless. This article's written so well. Pigless. This article's written so well. Police told the Morning Sentinel that they would not be actively looking for the pig, but now it seems that the pig has come out of hiding and is actively looking for its next victim. On Monday, an unidentified woman was walking on the same Oakland trail where the pig staged its previous offensive. According to the Morning Sentinel, the quick-thinking woman took refuge on the rail of a bridge after spotting the pig staged its previous offensive. According to the Morning Sentinel, the quick-thinking woman took refuge

on the rail of a bridge after spotting the pig. The pig did not attempt an attack, but the sight of the animal alone was scary enough that the woman reported the incident to local law enforcement. So the news story is a woman saw a pig. Yeah, that's it. But she got very scared of the pig.

She got scared of a pig. It's a big pig. 80 pounds. I mean, that's a large animal. It's a fairly large pig. I wouldn't mess with an 80 of the pig. She got scared of a pig. It's a big pig. 80 pounds. I mean, that's a large animal. It's a fairly large pig. Yeah, I wouldn't mess with an 80-pound pig. Actually, 80 pounds really isn't that big of a pig. As far as pigs go, yeah. Really?

Yeah. Pigs can get up to like 300, man. What, do you think it's like an arm span around? Like a big circle with your arms? Is that how big 80 pounds is? Yeah, I guess so. How many feet is that in pig? Three feet.

Three feet in pig? You think that's three feet of pig? No, I guess so. How many feet is that in pig? Three feet. Three feet in pig? You think that's three feet of pig? No, it's probably like five feet. Nah. That's more like three feet of pig. It's a pretty small pig. I feel like if you're walking in the woods and you randomly see a pig, that is fairly terrifying.

Well, they usually are murderers, those pigs. Yeah. They have horns and stuff. And then what if it's a ghost? Oh, pig ghost. Yeah. Pig ghost. I've heard about that.

That's spooky. Yeah. But does it have talons? It's not a boar. Boars are the scary ones. It's a pig. It's just a pig. It's a runaway. It's a pig that escaped from a farm.

And now the pig is running around screaming at kids and looking at women. And this is in Boston? Maine, right? Maine, Maine. I feel like they're really giving some personal human attributes to this pig. I think the pig's just walking around, oinking, and then everyone's reacting real bizarre. Well, the wooded trail has now been closed to prevent any further pig attacks. Captain Rick Stubbert told the Morning Sentinel the pig is out there.

Stubbert's on the case, so we're going to be just fine. Oh, yeah, Stubbert's on it. Captain. Police captain? Yeah. Oh, wow. They don't have anything going on be just fine. Stubber's on it. Captain? Police captain? Yeah. Oh, wow. They must have... They don't have anything going on in that town. No, it's Maine.

Captain Stubber. Wait a minute. I might be from a small town in Guam here, but I've got a neighbor that's got a pet pig named Gigo that he walks every night. Really? Yeah. Harmless guy. Gigo? Yeah. Gigo, named after one of the villages. Now, how do pigs kiss? Dogs, they lick you when they kiss.

Does a pig lick, too? They lick. Pigs will lick. It's like what comes out of their nose, right? If they've got snot and the snot touches your leg, then that's a kiss. That's a piggy kiss. Pigs don't kiss, man. Pigs don't care about nothing but violets.

I saw a National Geographic show that said that exact same thing. It's very true. Pigs are taking over. Big boars. Big old hoes. I thought that same one. I think it was called hell pig. Hell pig, indeed. Pigs are good animals. They're nice.

I've seen three walked pigs. I've seen three pigs being walked by their owners in Williamsburg over the past two weeks. It's taking over. Everyone's loving the pigs. I don't get it, man. These people haven't played Duke Nukem? What do you mean? You're terrifying, man.

Are they bad in Duke Nukem? You're giving badges and they're cops all of a sudden. They got all these guns. They're yelling at you all over the place. That's the thing. No room for a pig in Brooklyn. That's what I say. There's a lot of room for a pig in Brooklyn.

I love a good pig and I would love to cuddle with one. They don't sweat. They squeal when you slap them. Well, anything does. Bill, you ever slap your buddy's pig? No, I never did. Well, next, when you go back to Guam, slap your buddy's pig and see if it squeals.

Or on the tush, it's fine. On the face. No, on the tush. You don't slap a pig in the face. What, you want to get aroused? You want to arouse it? I mean, a pig kind of does look like a human ass. The whole pig does.

You can slap it right in his nose. Yeah, that's the problem with me. Every time I have a neighbor with a pig, it's like, oh, he's always trying to eat out my fucking pig, you know? Just like to fucking get brown. They always have poo on them,

just like a human ass. Yeah, you just follow it around with a little ascot and a knife and fork, and you're like, come, come give the prince his meal. Something like that. That's good, Holden. No, the liquor store back home, they had a pig that hung out all the time.

Vietnamese potbelly pig. Great pig for a liquor store. One of the best. One of the best liquor store pigs around. Holden said that thing about having shit on your asshole in a place. I was telling him this on the way here. I saw this pigeon that it had like, you know, like sometimes

it doesn't shit right. So it's like a bunch of shit was just crusted on the bottom of its ass. It had a dingleberry? Yeah, but there was two of them and it just looked like balls and it was just giant pieces of shit crusted up on his pigeon. I just want to be like, yo, get it together, man. You're embarrassing us.

He had turd nuts? Turd nuts. Oh my god. Pige, get it together, man. You're embarrassing us. He had turd nuts? Turd nuts. Oh my god. A pigeon never gets laid, man. Oh, poor pigeon. I didn't realize that a pigeon could shit not properly. I feel like it would just fly right out of there. Was it by itself? Was it hanging out with the other pigeon? No, it was totally alone. Just sitting there fucking eating trash.

I mean, truth is, it's sick. He's got no standards. No, definitely not. I have a bird at work. I work at the animal shelter. It's a cockatoo, but the exotic doctor, there's only one doctor that fixes the birds. He has to sew up the bird's asshole every month because it falls out. What do you mean? It prolapses?

Like a porno? Like a bad porno? Not one that I watch. Have you ever seen it? Yeah, it's a mean ass bird too. So maybe that, of course it is. It's named Coco. I'd be mean if my ass fucking shot out of itself every month.

I'd sew up my ass every week. I'd be mean too. Bill, you ever have your asshole sewn up? You ever sewn one up? No, absolutely not. But I've seen a few operations, but nothing like that. Yeah. A lot happens in Guam.

You know, it's pretty slow going. They've got this whole attitude, why do it today when you can do it tomorrow, and I've kind of developed that in my own lifestyle. It's kind of nice. It kind of has an effect on work a little bit. That is my favorite anti-motivational sticker of why do it today when you can do it tomorrow. Yeah, very tropical and very honest in a place like Guam. So nothing goes down in Guam, huh?

You know, a lot of weed, a lot of beach, and a lot of beer. That's about it. We need to eat your beer. That's all you need. Let's all move to fucking Guam. What are we doing here? We've got listeners in Guam.

Yeah. It's Bill. Oh, it was Bill? Also, G. Joe. We got G. Joe. The pig? Yeah. Gwintok?

Gwintok, the shell maker. We've got him. He makes shells for a living. You know, secret is he just finds them and pretends he made them. That's how he does that. Gwintok, yeah. One thing Guam does not have, and that's the sewer tour nature trail that I went to today. The worst nature trail I've ever seen in my life.

Sewer tour. What happens? There's a Greenpoint nature trail. I never even heard of this. In Greenpoint? Yeah, you just walk next to buildings and there's a couple weeds and a dead rat and they call it a nature trail. A couple of bad hipster girls passed out? It's sandwiched between Time Warner Cable and the water treatment plant.

And it's actually made by Parks and Rec. It's a nature trail? It's a nature trail, supposedly, but there's nothing nature about it. Let me tell you, there was one guy who I gave my cell phone to to take a picture of me and my son. It's a moment, right? This guy was standing there in front of this sewer water contemplating or reflecting probably of a body he's you know thrown there last week was he italian did he look italian it was odd he was odd and so i gave the waterfall but you know what he took a beautiful shot you know i'm a journalist you know in fact i commented

he just kind of looked at me but uh it was wild. But not a nature trail. But a nice memory to have with you and your son. It was a tender moment. You were a journalist, right? Yes. And what was one of your favorite stories of all time? Oh, God, there's a lot. You know, I covered the gamut, lived with the Taliban for a while. You lived with the Taliban?

Yeah, for about seven months. How were they? Nice? You know, a couple of them were nice guys. A couple of them were just... Wrong place at the wrong time, I think. So, Bill Austin, you believe a couple of the Taliban were nice guys? A couple were okay.

This blows the Nazi thing out of the water. Yeah, I mean, this is... I think I just stepped in something here. What's the nicest thing a Taliban ever did to you? Well, you know, I don't know. Turkey sandwich or something? No, turkey sandwich. I did hear it. That's the one thing. I remember this guy. We called him Stubby because, you know,

we had no legs. Which is kind of inappropriate, but his story was, and I found out his story in the middle of the night. I used to travel the compound and make sure, you know, the army guys were fed and all that stuff. Well, Stubby's story was. And I found out his story in the middle of the night. I used to, you know, travel the compound and make sure, you know, the army guys were fed and all that stuff. Well, Stubby's story was... You were feeding the Taliban? No, no, no. The army guys.

So anyway, so Stubby tells me it's after midnight and he says, you know, I shouldn't be here. You know, he's kind of singing the blues a little bit. Stubby, and I didn't call him Stubby, but I said, you know, what's your story? And apparently his story was that Taliban, like the real Taliban,

because I'm using my fingers here, quotation, Stubby wasn't Taliban. But they were getting ready to pull his teeth out, his gold teeth, with pliers. Oh, my. And prior to that, he was going to lose them all. And then, of course, the army came in this particular village, and then everybody scattered, but they took Stubby.

Well, yeah, I mean, he couldn't scatter. Stubby couldn't scatter. Well, no legs. Stubby, right? Yeah. So he claims he was just sort of a victim of circumstance, but he was all right. But did he keep his teeth, or did the Taliban get all the gold in there?

He kept his teeth, yeah. He kept his teeth, yeah. Oh, poor guy. Before he got yanked, he got rescued. So that was good. It sounds like Jesus on the Mount of Olives there

just sweating, waiting to be crucified. Absolutely. So it was a good news Taliban story right there. That is a good news Taliban story. We needed one of those.

You never hear a very underreported the good news Taliban story. What were you going to say, Kevin? Well, no, it was just like, it was funny because he brought up, he said sandwiches, but I remember when my one friend, I went to Afghanistan and he came back and then we were all asking

him like, yo, man, like, how was it? And he's like, oh man, great sandwiches. Really? Yeah. I would have never thought it. He just couldn't stop talking about it. He's like, yo, it's so much meat, man, it's seasoned so perfectly. Wow.

That's all he said about it. Everything was double meat. Bill, can you confirm? Good sandwiches over there? Yeah, not in Guantanamo Bay. Wow. That's all he said about it. Everything was double meat. Bill, can you confirm? Good sandwiches over there? Not in Guantanamo Bay. No. Not too much there. You were in Guantanamo Bay?

Guantanamo Bay, yeah. And you saw everybody living the life? Oh, yeah. Living the life. Did you see any fun torture? Nope. Didn't see that. Didn't see that.

They don't show journalists the torture part of it? I don't understand. But I did take Charlie Daniels on the compound and I thought he was a prophet. Really? The musician Charlie Daniels. The musician, yeah. Charlie Daniels, they didn't care. I brought all this media through. They didn't pay attention to him or them, but when I brought Charlie

through, they thought he was a prophet. So you did see torture. He just played for them. Holy Christ. How was Charlie Daniels? A nice guy? Nice guy, yeah? Nice guy Yeah Nice guy He played a show For all the troops

Later that night I love the legend Of Woolly Swamp That's my new favorite And that's also Devil goes Devil went down to Georgia Devil went down to Georgia

That's Charlie Daniels That's crazy And he plays the guitar Like it's out of this world This guy I never knew that I guess it makes sense Yeah

If you can play the fiddle I guess you can play the guitar. Yeah. Good stuff. Who knows? Either way. So there's a big pig on the loose. That's great.

Bill, you've got an interesting life, though. I love it. We could talk for hours about it, but there's a whole bunch. We've got to talk about this pig, you know? Yeah. Holden's got to do characters and stuff, so he can't. I am a magician. There we go.

All right. All right. Bill, that's great. I am can't. I'm a magician. There we go. That's great. I'm a magician. I'm a magician. I'm a magician. God. Stop it.

I thought there was a fucking pig in here. We got bird news. Let's do it. An Irish senator says that seagulls in Dublin have, quote, lost the run of themselves completely. Senator Ned O'Sullivan said... Fucking hate seagulls. Well, yeah. Senator Ned...

Why? Well, hear what Senator Ned O'Sullivan has to say about him. He said that while he, quote, could take or leave pigeons, he is very much against seagulls. Wow. Yeah, strong. The senator said he lived in an apartment block and finds it difficult to get a night's sleep because of the seagulls. He said they're very raucous. I saw that they're getting so cheeky now that they attack young children and dispossess them of their lollipops.

Hey, Kevin, you want to go with me and party with some birds? I think that sounds like a block party of birds. They're going crazy out there. Sounds like they're all on Molly or something, stealing everyone's lollipops. Mr. O'Sullivan added that the seagulls appeared more interested in eating human waste

than looking for fish and called on the minister for the environment to examine what can be done. Cheeky fucking seagulls pieces of shit. So they're eating shit? They're eating human shit instead of fish? They're stealing lollipops.

He says they're not seagulls, they're vermin. They are. They're scavenger gulls. I think that's nice to eat human dung, human dookie. I mean, where else is it gonna go? Down a seagull's gullet. I mean, that's fine. They're getting rid of the dookies, you know. Yeah, who wants to step in a bunch of poop?

Why is there human dookie? Why are the Irish shitting in the street? That's a real problem here. Marcus, can you Google that story? Why are the Irish shitting in the street? Because that is a good question. Hi, oh, this looks like a good place to squat down and have a boobie.

No time for the toilets, my boy. I mean, the seagulls wouldn't be eating human dung if it wasn't all over the goddamn sidewalks. Just these drunken whiskey shits, man. Oh, yeah. You can't control them. The only thing that had come back was something on YouTube

that just says, Slutty Rosie shits herself. Oh. That sounds about right. I think that won the Irish Oscars. Best movie. Hey, Slutty Rosie's in the back making a poo. Get your iPhone out, sonny.

Yeah, better film it. That's hot stuff. What do you think about the seagull, Kevin? You love birds? Yeah, but seagulls are untrustworthy, man. Really? That's hot stuff. What do you think about the seagull, Kevin? You love birds? Yeah, but seagulls are untrustworthy, man. Really? That's the one thing about them, dude. When I was little, I've always had a thing against seagulls, man.

Because when I was little, man, I was a soccer game. I just got my snow cone. Walking out on the field, seagulls shits on my head and my snow cone, man. Fuck, man. You went to play soccer with a snow cone in your hands? Nah, you know how they gave you the snow cone at the end of the game? Oh, sure. You can't use your hands anyway. Yeah. Well, that's true. It'd be fine. You arguably could hold a snow cone in your hands? No, you know how they gave you the snow cone at the end of the game? Oh, sure. You can't use your hands anyway.

Yeah. Well, that's true. It'd be fine. You arguably could hold a snow cone the entire game. Did you eat the snow cone? No, I didn't eat the snow cone. It was covered in seagull shit all over. Did they get you a new one, or your whole day was ruined?

My whole day was done, man. I fucking just hung out. So fucked up. Climbed a tree and just hung out in there and just reflected, man. Yeah, I mean, that is a perfect analogy for a bad day. A seagull shit on my snow cone. But then it happened to you in real life. Wow.

That was a bad time. That does suck. I've never been shed on by a bird. Really? Never. Not once. That's why I like pigeons still. You've been shed on, Holden?

I told you about that. It was the one and only time I did an open mic at the comedy cellar it was the worst i did so bad i buddied up with some weird old businessman and then he wouldn't talk to me after i got off stage i did so bad and then the next like three comics after me that just spent their entire time making fun of me and then uh it was so bad you would do animal impressions i'd make everybody clap their hands like in unison like that and then i'd get on the floor and start dry humping the floor and moaning like oh The next was you would do animal impressions? I'd make everybody clap their hands in unison like that, and then I'd get on the floor and start dry humping the floor and moaning. And then you sold that bit to Dan St. Germain.

Dan St. Germain bought that bit from me. Really? He bought it from me, yeah. How much did he pay you? 50 bucks or something for it. $50? He gave me money for that bit. For the clapping and humping bit?

Yeah. Oh, my god. What is happening? What did Dan Saint-Germain, by the way... This was years after I did it, too. He's a fun comedian. Dan Saint-Germain.

Check him out. He's got a new CD out. Bad of the Good Times, I think it's called. He's a good friend of the round table. A year ago, he bought this bit from you? Yeah, he bought it. It's the Good Times, I think it's called. He's a good friend of the round table. A year ago, he bought this bit from you? Yeah, he bought it. It's the first time I sold a joke. I don't even know if it's a joke. This is a real thing.

No, it's completely real, man. He bought that bit from me. Is it on the album? You know, it'd be hard to hear it. It's just clapping in unison and then a person just going, like humping the floor like try i gotta tell dan sometimes you can just steal you know you don't gotta buy everything

that would be a funny moment though for someone to get on like another comic to run up on stage but you stole my fucking pit while you're humping the floor. I have a comic right up here. That's my fucking bit. Oh my god. So anyways, yeah, so like the next three comics just made fun of me with the only time that they had. So you know it was really bad. They were doing great. I mean, I guess they did everybody, you know, it was an open mic.

The thing is you probably did better than any of them would have done. Yeah. I loved your old routine. Yeah, it was fun. Animal impressions. They didn't, yeah. Crocodile. Crocodile. And that's why Ed's one of the biggest managers working today. He's with 3RDs and a bunch of clients.

I'd start crying about my dead mom and while I was crying about her, which she's alive, and while I was crying about her, I'd talk about how she worked at the dildo factory and stuff. It was fun. Always sexual with the mother. And so I left that awful gig to go to a murder fist meeting out in the the fucking ghetto of bed stye and i was walking through washington square park and just hit my head like a with a thud and then of course you like because i've never been shit on before by a bird i of course

immediately go to touch it because i thought it was like maybe some weird raindrop or something and that's yeah. And then now it's all over my hand and in my hair. And I'm so far away from anywhere where I can get it washed off. So I rode the whole way out to Bed-Stuy with bird shit in my hand and my hair. Just so, you know, just being like, well, only in, you know, welcome to New York. It was like soon after I had gotten in. But I feel like it's like pig pen.

And we're just like, yeah, that of course he has bird shit in his hair. That's what that dude always has bird shit in his hair. If only the open micers had seen that happen, I would have gotten some fucking laughs, you know? Oh, yeah, you would have crushed it. I would have crushed it. I think seagulls are actually really smart. I love seagulls, yeah. I was at the beach one time. I went. We were smoking

weed on the beach, and my mom had made me a pork chop sandwich, because who else would you eat on the beach? And the fucking seagull tried to take it out of my Ziploc bag so I kicked the seagull. Nice. When I went to my car later on, I went out

to the parking lot and I swear to God there was like 50 seagulls on top of my car. No seagulls on any other car. And I said they're doing this on purpose. My friend like, how would they not do this on purpose? I guess it smelled like pork. So it's like that Hitchcock movie, The Birds, but these were

just like... There was shit all over my car. There was shit all over my car. They treated it like Holden's head. Oh my god. Oh my goodness. I think they're smart. They're very intelligent animals. In fact, seagulls in groups will stamp on the ground in unison to imitate rainfall to trick earthworms into coming up to the surface. No!

Wow. Very intelligent animals. That's cheeky. You got to respect. It is cheeky. What do you think, Bill? What do you think about a seagull? That's cheeky, for sure.

Yeah. They stomp their feet to simulate rain. That's wild. String them up. That's what I say. I agree. So what's happening now with these seagulls? Is this guy going to shoot them all?

He thinks that the government's going to take care of it, but I don't think the Irish government's going to do anything. The Irish government's going to kill all the seagulls? That's what he's counting on. Who's going to drink at the bars? Let's move from Ireland over onto Japan. All right. All right.

I know. That's sort of like, do we have to? Ireland and Japan. Ireland's a fun drunken place. Japan's full of nuclear waste. Japanese, it really is. And weird porn. Oh yeah, and this kind of has something to do with that. Okay.

Japanese police have arrested a Japanese artist for sending computer data intended to reproduce her genitals with a 3D printer. Yeah. Why is that illegal? They say that it violates national law prohibiting the distribution of indecent material.

What, they never put an ass on a copier? I guess that's the equivalent. It's the same thing. But now when you put your ass on the copier, you can print out your actual ass. 3D. Oh, that's awesome. This is ridiculous because I've been in a Japanese porn shop several times.

You open up a Japanese porno and they're going to block out the good stuff. How many times have you been in a Japanese porn shop?

They block out the good stuff but yet you can see images all day long of some guy shitting on a girl. I don't understand it.

It's crazy. Well, Bill, you bring up a good question. Only penises could shit. Yes. What, you bring up a good question. Only penises could shit. Yes. What do you think about the Japanese porno business, Bill?

You know, it's a little bizarre. Yeah, a little bizarre for me. I agree with that. Not into it, huh? Not into it, no. You ever live in Japan? No, but I've been there many times, though, yeah. Yeah, and you like the culture.

Culture's great. Yeah, honest people. Yeah, good people. Yeah? You people. Yeah. You can leave here. Many stories I've heard about someone at a bus stop leaving their wallet or leaving their purse. They forget about it. They go away.

They come back. The thing's still there. Oh, amazing. Very honest people from what I understand. Yeah. But they group women in the subway. Yeah, they have separate train cars for men and women. They sell used panties in vending machines in some places.

I've seen that. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. You ever buy one of those? No. I haven't bought one of those. I haven't bought one of those. I haven't bought one of those. I haven't panties in vending machines in some places. I've seen that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you ever buy one of those? No, saw it, but- How much? Yeah, I don't know. Check it out. 5.99.

A couple of yen. A couple of yen, probably. They have vending machines for everything out there, though, right? They do. They have lobster vending machines as well. Yeah? Yeah. Very, very fun.

Well, this artist, Megumi Igarashi, the suspect, is a 42-year-old resident of Tokyo who works under the alias Roko Dinashiko, which means good for nothing, kid, according to... Cool. The vagina artist, as she is sometimes referred to, has already used this method several times in order to raise funds to build a boat in the shape of a vagina. I think she needs to calm down, man. You think so? I guess like how I mean you can't build a boat in the shape of a penis. It has to be a vagina. Banana boats.

Yeah, but it's also just like Yeah, that's true. What is it printing on though? Is this a paper pussy? It's plastic. It's a plastic pussy. But you can't use it for anything crazy. You can't lube it up. You can lube up a plastic pussy, I guess.

In Japan, they have enough soft things to fuck. Why would you fuck plastic? There's not enough. No. Yeah, they have wild animals and stuff. Dolphins. Yeah, I've heard that. Kevin, you ever heard that?

No, I've not heard that. You didn't hear that? No. And you just said it. Well, I heard it that time. Yeah. That was the No, I've not heard that. You didn't hear that? No. Eddie just said it. Well, I heard it that time. Yeah. That was the first time I heard it, too. So how do you...

You like the Japanese, though, because they sided with you guys. Eddie? What? Eddie? They sided with the United States. No. No. Okay.

No. Okay. Well. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Now you're getting... Eddie, you're on notice. You're on notice, Eddie, and I'm watching you. What are you going to do, kick me out? No. I'm listening to you. The Japanese, they had a very interesting role to play.

See, that's what he's sticking up for. Exactly. Statements like that. It's interesting. Yeah, it is interesting. It was interesting. Yeah, Unit 731 is very interesting. Yeah, Unit 731. What did they do again? Oh, they killed the Chinese. It is interesting. It was interesting. Yeah, Unit 731 is very interesting. Yeah, Unit 731.

What did they do again? Oh, they killed the Chinese. Oh, yeah. The Rape of 19. Crazy. Very interesting. Worse than Mengele-type scientific experiments, but worse than what he did. Men Behind the Sun.

Oof. For those that don't know, there's a last podcast on the left episode called Unit 731. Check it out. It's all about it. They were brutal. Did you see a lot of brutality in your travels as a journalist, Bill? As far as Japan goes,

as far as Guam goes, there was a lot of atrocities there. So yeah, people recognize it. What happened? Well, you know, Japanese, when they invaded Guam, they occupied Guam for a while. They were very brutal, but it's sort of ironic that now they make up most of the

economy there because it's all based on Japanese tourism now. What were some of the things they used to do? Because I remember there's a great World War II documentary where the Japanese cut off all the balls and the penises of all the American soldiers, and then

there was an interview with an elderly fella who was just like, you know, an American. And he just looked at the camera and he was like, well, after we saw that, we never took prisoners again. And he just like murdered everybody because they used to cut off the fucking dicks and balls and pop it in a dude's mouth. I mean, that's not a great way to go.

Bad form. Way beyond cheeky. Intense, though. Is there any more humiliating corpse? It's horrible, man. Yeah, your nuts and your cock and your mouth. They were so intense and so brutal. That was on the Ken Burns doc, yeah. Yeah, they were so intense

and they were so brutal. Now they're just all nice and happy and smiling all the time. I don't trust it. Yeah, man. Back then they were creative. You know what they remind me of, Eddie? Your mother. She was such a terrible mother and now she couldn't be happier. She wasn't a terrible mother. Yeah, alright. Brutal mother.

She was mean to you. She hit me a bunch. With the phone! With the phone! He's so big he fucking deserved it. How do you tame this beast? You hit him with a phone. What's she gonna do, man? She can't hurt him with her hands, her small mom hands.

Yeah, most of the time if she hit me, I just laugh. You're a lunatic. I had the same thing, man. My mom would hit me with all types of shit because I literally would just start laughing at that. Once I hit like 14, 15. Yeah, it's like you can't hurt me.

Yeah, I'm a big ass dude. Jackie, what are you doing with a big ass kid? What are you going to do with him? Strap him down. Humiliate him. That's a good idea. So you strap him down, you take his pants off, and you have the hot girls from the high school come in,

walk in, and point and laugh at it. Yeah, that or just, like, touch the very tip of it, and they go, ooh, look at it, look at it, it's hard now. I imagine this happening in Japan. Yeah, yeah. I can't get away with it here, so we'll go to Japan and do that. Yeah, yeah. You want to arouse your child.

No, no, break him. You got to break him. Make sure that he never gets a hard-on again. Yeah. I'm protecting women of the future. Oh, yeah, yeah. Very noble. Well, Doug's a very nice guy.

Lord knows there shouldn't be any men out there that think like Jackie. Oh, yeah. Very noble. Well, Doug's a very nice guy. I'm sure he'll be helping us. Lord knows there shouldn't be any men out there that think like Jackie. Oh, my God. No, any man that thinks like Jackie is in prison for a long time. Oh, yeah. Definitely. Well, this Japanese artist has produced a series of dioramas with the mold of her genitals. The deco

mon. Mon could be short for the Japanese word that equates to pussy. Monco. And deco short. Monco? Monco. I'm going to go Monco. Mon could be short for the Japanese word that equates to pussy, manko, and deko, short for manko. I'm going to go with manko. It sounds seaweed related. To be a juicy manko. Oh, hey, Chicho.

Look at the size of her manko. It sounds racist. It sounds real bad. She was arrested, though, for just taking pictures of her pussy and that's it? And for sending it. She was arrested for taking 3D printings of her pussy and sending it to somebody else because you can't send pictures of pussies. Pictures of pussies and dicks are illegal in Japan.

How bad did this mongo look like? I mean, here we go. I mean, I'm telling you. Stretched out. Let's see the mongo. Yeah, I mean, that's the canoe that she built. That does look like a... That probably looks like her mongo. Pretty cool. you, let's see the Monkos. That's the canoe that she built. That probably looks like her Monko. That's pretty cool.

No, that's hers. A kayak. Yeah. Well, that's not too bad. No, not bad at all. She's got a penis hat. Yeah. She's old.

42. She's not that old. But her pussy looks pretty good for 42. I think so, yeah. At least the boat looks good. Yeah, the boat looks good. I mean, it floats. The 3D printer thing blows my mind.

I don't understand it. I can't grasp the concept of it. Someone made a gun with one. And that's bad. Well, yeah, it's not great. But pussies are fine. Yeah, I mean, make a pussy. Make pussies with 3D printers, not guns.

I've always said that. Yeah, I love it. I take. Make pussies with 3D printers, not guns. I've always said that. I love it. Take my balls. Make my balls with it. Oh, man, I'm real horny for some brown mongo. Just doesn't sound. No, it doesn't sound good. Well, it could be brown.

I mean, it can be. Sure. Get some brown plastic. What do they call their dongs over there? I'm trying to find out. Loogies. Yeah, mankas and loogies, huh? Put your loogie in my manka.

In my manka. They say, a penisu. It's a penisu? Yeah. Let's put a new one on the end of it. A penisu. A new. A penisu.

It sounds like something you get at the deli that's been pressed. It has tomatoes and ham. It sounds like a panini type situation. A new. Yeah. Penisu. It sounds like something you get at the deli that's been pressed. It has tomatoes and ham. It sounds like a panini type situation. Oh, I'm all sick. I drank too much Monco juice last night. You weren't getting at the juice. Eat pussy, you could say, neko o taberu. This is very informative.

I like the beginning of that. Neko. Neko. O taberu. That's eat pussy? Yeah, that's eat pussy. What is neko? Is that eat? I pussy? Yeah, that's eat pussy. What is Neko? Is that eat?

I don't know if that's right or not. Bill never asked. Bill, do you think, are the gals at Japan easy? Are they sexually available? You know, yeah, I think maybe. I think maybe. I think maybe. I think maybe. I think maybe. Yeah.

Yeah, you stick out like a sore thumb anyway when you're not Japanese. Would I do well over there? You would do great. Yeah? Oh, they love you. You're a big boy. They'd be all over you. They'd be throwing their mancos at you left and right.

Oh, my goodness. Get out there, man. Mr. Pastrami used to spend all of his time over in China cleaning up. That's disgusting. Hell yeah. He must be swimming in a bunch of dirty Monco. Yeah. Well, over there it's called something else.

What's it called in China? What's pussy in China? Oh, China? Let's see. Not Mandarin. I don't want no bullshit. You know what it's called? What's it called in China? It's called no get. Let's see. Not Mandarin. I don't want no bullshit. It's in, yeah. You know, it's called, it's called, uh. What's it called in China?

It's called no get. Let's see, Marcus. No get it. No get it. Jackie, what do you. Chi de Mao. It's called what? Eat pussy is Chi de Mao.

So it's called ga Mao? Mao is pussy. Is it Mao, the name of the ruler? Mao. Mao. I'm telling you, it's right here. Mao. So Mao.

That's pussy. What's the Japanese? Neko. Neko. Or, it's right here. So Mao, and what's the Japanese? Neko. Neko. Or Monko. Either one. Monko, Mao, or Pussy. What do you want, Jackie? How do you want to be identified by your genitalia? Give me some Mao. American Pussy, what are you talking about? American Pussy.

If I'm gonna eat pussy, gonna eat American. I think that's by fucking Jif Davis. Jif Davis and the Toby Keith over there. Jif Davis and the Screamin' Crows. Oh man, they're so good.

What do the crows sound like? His backup band is a bunch of actual crow birds. Oh my god. And they just... They don't have play instruments or anything. So re-talented though. I thought Mal was what the Viet Cong yelled at you when you were playing Russian Roulette.

That's what that dude was screaming at De Niro when he was slapping the shit out of him in Deer Hunter. Mao, Mao, Mao. Was he calling him a pussy? Probably. Yeah. I guess that makes sense. Google Translate. So we've learned something today.

We did. We did. That's the biggest thing we've ever learned. Pull the trigger, you pussy. That makes perfect sense now. Yeah. It really does. Look at that. now. Yeah, it really does. Look at that.

Maybe diddy means don't be. Diddy means don't be ya. How to say pull the trigger, you pussy in Japanese is That's Vietnamese. That's Vietnamese, yeah. Also, I don't think it's literal like that, probably. Right? Yeah, it's probably like some eloquent phrase. It's literal like that probably, right? It's probably like some eloquent phrase. It's more like that?

I thought I was sitting next to a Japanese person. No, it was Jackie. Believe it or not, that was just the talented Jackie Zebrowski. Alright, let's move on. The scale of 3D printed her pussy. 3D printed her pussy. Let, 3D printed her pussy.

Let's do a real quick update. The serial pooper has returned. Woo! They caught him! Yeah, they did. Yep. Harris County constables have confirmed they have received reports that a serial pooper who was caught defecating in people's backyards is up to his old tricks again. Constables at Precinct 1 say they received a call from someone earlier today

saying they have a photo of the man and that they saw him walking around with toilet paper. J.C. Moseley. Wait, hold on. He wipes his ass with toilet paper? Oh, yeah. But he shits in public? In yards.

And on slides. Go all the way. You've got to let yourself have that butt like the pigeon that KB saw before. Just have dingleberries all over it. Yeah, I think it's in the same area as the way. You got to let yourself have that butt like the pigeon that KB saw before. Just have dingleberries all over it. Yeah, I think it's in the same area as the slides. JC Mosier, Precinct 1 spokesman said, There's a very good chance it's the same guy. It is on the same street where this was happening before.

Unless there's a copycat pooper. Yeah, there's a copycat. Honestly, if I was in high school and this happened in my town, I'd be thinking about copycatting that shit. You would do the poop? Of course, man. How fun would that be? We used to poop all over the finest cars. You pooped on a car, yeah. Always. We used to poop on cars. Kevin,

your face, you made me feel as if I did something wrong. No, I mean... I was pooping on fancy cars. So... You pooped on a sign too once, right? Yeah, I had to. What did the sign say?

UW Stout. UW Stout. University of Wisconsin Stout. Your college. Yeah. You pooped on your college sign. Yeah. I still don't understand it.

Did you shit in your hands and then wipe it on the sign? No, I put my butt on the sign. He's so tall. Oh, yeah. It was low to the ground and then you just kind of poop on the sign. Yeah, it put my butt on the sign. He's so tall. It was low to the ground, and then you just kind of poop on the sign. Yeah, it was only like four feet off. Oh, my God, and we laughed. You had to press your butt against it so you got shit all over your ass as well?

And I didn't have no toilet paper. Like this pussy over there pooping on the goddamn grass with TP. By the way, you just got shit in your pants and you just fucking walking around like it's all. You know, I'll tell you, everyone was laughing so hard. And then the women at the party were like, oh, you're so funny. And it couldn't have worked out better for you. Women love a man with shit smeared all over their ass. Some people liked it and some people thought it was great.

That's buzzkill. This guy's definitely got you on quantity because he was caught before defecating in eight separate yards. At one time? Just one to one to one to one. So just one turn in each yard. Maybe this guy has a serious stomach. Does he have Crohn's? Is it Crohn's disease?

What's that comedian that we know? Maybe he should get some medicine. Does Crohn's make you take dumps? Oh, constantly. You can't stop pooping. Intestinal shit, right? I'll tell you, there's a super hot chick who is currently the spokesperson for the drug that is used to treat Crohn's. And that commercial really gets me feeling bizarre.

Because the whole time she's talking about how she can't stop shitting. But then she's so gorgeous that you're sort of like, you gotta, you know. That's probably why she looks so good. I don't want to get all German over here because we're not doing that this month. You're getting hard while you're watching poopy commercials? No! She's very attractive. But either way.

Man, you need to go to Japan. Oh, take it easy. You want to go to Japan? I'll go to Japan. Let to go to Japan. Oh, take it easy. You want to go to Japan? I'll go to Japan. Let's go to Japan. Come on. I'm big in Japan. You're big here, too?

Yeah! Set up. Set up, and you guys knocked it out of the park. Thank you. Well, we got a tragedy this year in America on the 4th of July. What? Unfortunately. 4th of July festivities in a small South Dakota town

took a grim turn when a man choked to death during a hot dog eating contest. Oh, I heard about this. You did, Eddie? Yeah, I heard about it. Yeah. No, it wasn't Nathan's.

It was in South Dakota. Yeah. I missed that. Yeah. Walter Eagletail of Custer was one of six contestants scarfing hot dogs in front of a crowd

at a local park for Independence Day celebrations on Thursday. During the race, Eagle Tail began to choke and collapsed. Paramedics rushed him to a local hospital where he later died. Rushed him to the hospital? Give him the Heimlich. He was a very fat man.

Here's a picture of him. He looks like a super nice guy. He can still give him the Heimlich. He's not on the Heimlich. He looks like it's just a super cool Native. You can still give him the Heimlich. He's in a Heimlich. He looks like it's just a super cool Native American dude hanging out in South Dakota. A lot of Native Americans in South Dakota. Yeah, well, that's where we put them all. The shittiest place in America.

Yeah, it literally is. They've done well there. Marcus, what did he sound like? Oh, my God. I am choking on a hot dog. I can only think about Frank Drebin giving CPR to the fella who choked on the hot dog and naked gun. Do you remember that scene? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The only thing I can think of. The hot dog kept going up and back into his mouth. Yeah. Funny stuff. Funny stuff. So, I mean, at least he died. I guess he died doing what he wanted to do that day. Mm-hmm.

Yep. I guess. I don't know. It's a risk. Better than a car accident. I guess. I don't know. It's a risk. Better than a car accident. I just feel bad that we killed another Indian. I was going to say the same thing.

It's like, how many Indians can white people kill? Hot dogs. What is the madness? Stop. He's eating hot dogs. It's not like he was eating maize.

It could have been a maize eating contest. There was nothing more white American than the hot dog. Yeah. I mean, this is the equivalent of giving him an AIDS quilt or something. The white man's poison is once again taking one of our people.

Oh, that's sad. How many dogs did he scarf down, though? It looked like he was only on his sixth hot dog. Oh, man. That's a shame. You got to at least get 10 before you die. Oh, totally. I mean, I don't think that he was just... Joe Chestnut took down 50. Oh, he'll take down 67, 68 and a shame. You got to at least get 10 before you die. Oh, totally. I mean, I don't think that...

He was just not ticked down 50. Oh, he'll tick down 67, 68 and a half, I think is his record. He got 61 this year, but he wasn't even trying because Kobayashi doesn't do it anymore. Yeah. He's not allowed to. Well, furthering the tragedy, town officials canceled a pie-eating contest scheduled for Friday

and organizers... Oh, so should we cancel the pie-eating contest? God damn it, what are we going to do with all these people? So they had a city council meeting and they were like, let's plan our festival. What do you got, Roy? Let's do a hot dog eating contest. Brilliant.

What do you got, Sam? Pie eating contest. Wonderful. Not a lot of diversity of opinions. What about you? Mud eating contest. Mud eating. Oh, I don't know, but let's do it. Let's do mud eating. Wonderful. Not a lot of diversity of opinions. What about you? Mud-eating contest? Mud-eating. Oh, I don't know, but let's do it.

Let's do mud-eating. I was going to throw worms on a girl. Great. Great idea, Cliff. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. If they would have had a Mao-eating contest, nobody would have got hurt. That's true.

I mean, a couple of women probably. They're South Dakotian. You know, they're... And he just ate 27 mungos to take the lead. I am covered in juice. Can I please take a shower? Keep going. I'm choking.

I'm choking. Covered in the mungo. Organizers are also mulling over whether to cancel the hot dog competition for good. No. That guy dies doing it. It's on him. He didn't dip into the water or something. That man would not have wanted that.

No. Walter Eagletail would be very sad. Walter Eagletail. Yeah, the best way to forget about Eagletail is pretend like he never existed in the first place. Yeah, like we do with the Native Americans. No, that's not. You know, honestly, I said it as a joke,

but if you really did Throw like a bucket of worms On a girl That'd be pretty fucking entertaining You know what I'm saying Like she would Well now it becomes disturbing What kind of worms though Like earthworms

Yeah Alright yeah Long ass Big ass earthworms Just throw it on a girl Man she'd flip the fuck out That's like dolphin and Hobbes shit Yeah

No it's not That's like something you do With Susie Durkens. Throw worms on her and be like, I like you. I like you. That's what Holden does to women. Pretty much. But I'm swimming in Mungo. Yeah.

I got a water bed filled with Mungo juice that I sleep on every night. I heard that. Oh my god. You always do very well with the that. Oh, my God. Yep. You always do very well with the women. Cats love my apartment, man.

What do you think? Because it smells like mongo? Yeah, because it smells like mongo. They're like, oh, am I by the sea? You know? I get it. Bill, how many hot dogs have you ever eaten in one sitting? You know, just more mango than anything else.

I think I did a hot dog eating competition one time. I think I did ten. Ten in like three minutes. I did six, and then I had to tap out. I lost. Do you have to do bun? You gotta do bun. You gotta do bun.

The trick is you dump it in, dip it in the water. Dip it in the water, which I'm sure what Eagle Tail did not do. Probably none of those. Probably depended on his spit. Do you put condiments on it? No. You could if you wanted to have a fun time. I feel like it would

slide down faster. That's what the water's for. That's what the water's for. I did a white cast leading competition as well. I took on, I believe it was Jim Tooze, who was a great comedian,

and Reed Fahler, who was a well-known commodity here on Roundtable of Gentlemen. I took them both on, and I beat them. They're both so small. It was like this an official thing? It was official.

Let's go be fat. No, I was looking fairly good at the time. You beat us, too, when we did a White Castle eating contest with Henry and Steve. I beat all three of you. Yeah. God damn right I did. I remember, Ben, it was a few years ago. We went to this place, Atomic Wings or something.

You ate those. Buffalo Cantina. Buffalo Cantina. You're the Iron Stomach. I was there for me. I was very scared. I thought, honestly, I thought Ben was very hurt. A dozen wings and under two and a half minutes.

Seppuku wings. Yeah, but afterwards, we all thought he was going to die. I was very concerned. Well, Eagle Tail should have fucking called me. I would have told him how to do it. Turn off your brain. By the way, Eagle Tail is kind of a weird name. Do eagles have tails, Bird Luger?

Yeah. Well, you know, they're tail feathers. Oh, okay. But it's not like, you know, anything like real nigga tails. It's just like... Yeah, I've heard that. I saw a National Geographic all about their tails there, and they said the exact same sentence you said that I can't say.

That's for sure. Well, we've got another story that kind of relates to another story that we had a couple weeks ago involving the man who was playing Russian roulette so that he knew how to beat the game. Oh, yeah, yeah. The guy who wanted to kill himself in front of his girlfriend. And he succeeded. But he put three bullets out of the six.

Yeah, he put three bullets out of the six and the gun, he lost. I thought he played with one bullet. Well, he tried, he actually, the first one it didn't blow his brains out. The second one got him. Good job. It's a 50-50 shot.

Well, a 51-year-old woman accidentally shot herself in the face after she slammed the butt end of a shotgun on the floor, causing it to discharge in order to, quote, make a point. Whoa. And she died. No, she survived. No face, lady. Expected to make a full recovery.

I mean, no. No, you're not going to make a full recovery. Oh, no. No, you're not going to make a full recovery. Your whole face is gone. Well, deputies were called about 10 a.m. Monday and July 14th to a house in Freeman Township in Missouri. Upon arrival, deputies found that a family dispute had taken place and the victim, a 51-year-old woman, told officers that she had taken a shotgun out to make a point. She told police she slammed the butt in on the victim, a 51-year-old woman, told officers that she had taken a

shotgun out to make a point. She told police she slammed the butt in on the floor, the gun discharged, and she was shot in the face. So she was still able to talk? Yeah. I guess she didn't lose her face. I'm sure it probably blasted up, took off her nose at least. So she was probably able to, I mean, she was able to talk.

Ripped off her lips? Yeah, probably ripped off her lips. I mean, she was able to talk. Ripped off her lips. Yeah, probably ripped off her lips. I mean, she's going to look bad. You know, I dare say that nothing good happens in Missouri. I don't know of anything that does. Well, St. Louis is there. Look at the arch. Isn't St. Louis riddled with crime, though?

Yeah, it's awful. Yeah, St. Louis is like one of the worst parts of the country. They've got good gambling. They've got good gambling. Biloxi. Ed, was I watching that footage with you about the eight? We were watching the woman

that the eight ripped off her face. She had a press conference last week that pleaded people to not get monkeys drunk. Really? The only woman in America that got monkeys drunk was telling us not to do it? Yeah, we figured that out when we realized they were

monkeys. She tried to hang on to the limelight from the monkey incident. Yeah, exactly. She tried to get a two cents worth. She was on Oprah because she got her face ripped off by a goddamn monkey. Best thing that ever happened to her. Maybe. It's the only thing that ever happened to her.

You know, the craziest thing I think from that press conference that she kind of made me realize is that it's like monkeys kind of feed her kind of also hands. So if you can imagine when a monkey's attacking you, you got four hands just ripping at you. Oh, that is creepy. And they rip off your, what, they go for the eyes and the ears and the hands? No, it didn't rip out her eyes. Remember?

She actually, from the claws, got a disease in her eyes. They had to take off her eyes. So they had to take out her eyes. Remember, she actually from the claws got a disease in her eyes. So they had to take out her eyes. So her eyes survived. They did until they had to take them out because they were riddled with disease. From the attack. So she is now blind. She is now blind.

Eye AIDS. I don't think it ever worked. You survived this horrible attack. You can see for a little bit, but the doctor's Like, you survived this horrible attack. You can see for a little bit. But the doctor's like, you see me right now? Like, it gave you a disease in your eyes. We're going to take him out. And then you have to be there while it gets taken out of you.

Like, I couldn't imagine that. Like, knowing that you were going to be blind in, like, a day, you know? Yeah. What would you try to see last? Boobies, right? Mongo, yeah. Mongo. Mongo.

I don't know, actually. I don't think I would like to and see last? Boobies, right? Mongo, yeah. Mongo. Mongo. Yeah, I guess. I don't know, actually. I don't think I would like to see Mongo last. Yeah, that's not at all. Just a pussy burned in your brain for all eternity. It depends on who's Mongo. Not Hillary Clinton's Mongo. No, I don't want to see her Mongo.

What's wrong with her Mongo? I don't know. It's sloppy. You think so? It's been touched in years. Yeah, I bet it's all dry and tight. It's perfect. It's not tight. Ours is probably like bacon mango or something. It's sloppy. You think so? It hasn't been touched in years. Yeah, but it's all dry and tight. It's perfect. It's not tight.

Ours is probably like bacon mango or something. Oh, yeah. It's like jerky. You can just chew it on like gristle. Yeah, yeah. Well, that's what makes you such a strong leader. Take a cactus patch down there. I mean, it's cooler to say manga and be like, oh, I want to see the beach at sunset.

You know, like fucking die. But you just want to see a random nurse's pussy. Yeah, a random nurse's pussy. Have her slap me while I'm looking at it. I watched a couple episodes of Cops. Yeah, I watched a couple episodes of Cops. Some domestic disputes. Maybe some Deadwood.

Yeah, some Deadwood. And to top it all off, I'm going to watch Apocalypse now until they put me under. You can have nightmares. Apocalypse now and Cops? Those are the two last images you want to see of society. Put a rainbow and a kid smiling. Oh, my God. Fuck children.

Just be bored. Do I want to be bored? That's an interesting sound clip we just got. What? That's sweet. Rainbows are sweet. I'd just go straight up Manta Rays, man. Manta Rays jumping out of the water.

That's the last shit I want to see. That's cool. Not boring. Beautiful. Beautiful, but they're sort of... Yeah, I've seen them.ays, man. Manta Rays jumping out of the water. That's the last shit I want to see. That's cool. Yeah, not boring. Beautiful. Yeah. Beautiful, but there's sort of... Yeah, I've seen him. Yeah, yeah.

I don't know if that's my last image, but I like it. What do you want for your last image? I'm still thinking about it. Yeah. I'll let you know. Maybe Doug. Maybe that picture of you and Doug there. Yeah.

Yeah, me and Doug at the sewage treatment plant. It was a nature trail. Beautiful nature trail. Or that bloated rat I took a picture of in the bay. Beautiful nature trail. Or that bloated rat I took a picture of in the bay. Heartwarming. I read a couple of reviews, a couple of tourist reviews of Guam. One of them said that the island is full of

boonie dogs. Full of boonie dogs, yeah. What's a boonie dog? What's a boonie dog? booty dog dogs are straight dogs you know i used to ride my bike a lot mean dogs i had like a pack of three dogs every morning and they came out behind the base chapel like devil dogs coming at me you know i'd have to get off the bike shake my bike adam you know i went away bike at him.

I hate those fuckers. One person said if you're coming up Nimitz Hill from the Veterans Cemetery. That's where I live. Nimitz Hill. He says there's one black dog that will jump out to chase your car. He chases my car all the time. It's got to be the same guy. Really?

I think dad wrote that yup review. Well, same hill. I killed I think dad wrote that yup review. Well, same hill, I killed a rooster about two weeks ago. The same fuck that's probably been waking me up.

Flying to work, you know, and he just kind of jumped out there, feathers everywhere. Hopefully it was the same guy that keeps waking me up.

But yeah, that dog does chase cars. True story. Wow. That dog's been chasing cars since 2002. Well, let it be. I'm sure there's a lot of pony dogs. It's going to die of old age soon. It's going to have since 2002. Well, let it be.

I'm sure there's a lot of boating dogs out there. It's going to die of old age soon. It's going to have a fun stage. Just wait it out. No, you'll be fine. Wait it out. Yeah. Yeah. But you killed the old rooster, though.

Killed the rooster. Kind of felt a little bad for a second. Did you eat it? No. You know, I wasn't quick enough on my game that day. I did get rid of him, though. Did you bury it? No, fuck.

I just kept on driving. Yeah, I guess that's the only thing you can do. You got to keep on moving. All right, now it's time for a segment from Holden McNeely. Oh, man, I need a vacation, and you have to take me there. I need a vacation, and you have to take me there. I need it! All right, so Marcus is a travel agent. He works at Fuckers Incorporated.

We love Fuckers. Yeah, they travel around, fucking take you to your fucking hole that you want to fucking be in, right? We love holes. You're a piece of shit. Ed fucking looking at you, rubbing your eyes like a fucking mad donkey. You prick. Alright, so we gotta take me on a vacation.

I need one bad. Let's start with Kevin. You don't need a vacation. I'm dying for one, man. I want to go to some fun-ass shit. You know what I'm saying? I want to fucking see some tits and have it be legal We all do

Alright So We'll go around Kevin Where are you taking me bud You know Go out to Seattle, Washington

Dead of winter Take you to a nice basement Yeah You be Tied up Some fat ass dude Who's going to beat the shit out of you Alright

All day Do I get to Put my name in the hat for that You'll be tied up. Some fat-ass dude is going to beat the shit out of you. All right. All day. I'll put my name in the hat for that. Can I tag along? Can I just come on the vacation? As long as he can do it until I stop laughing. Yeah, there's a whole list of things that I'll be playing, man. Fat-ass dude is beating the shit out of you. Then we got dogs that are going to nibble at your feet for a little bit.

Seagulls going to shit on your face all day. And at the end of it, you know, we just throw some lettuce at your chest. I don't know why, but that's what we're going to do. Why not? See, when I'm on vacation, I like to smell the beach. Yeah, well, that's not happening. But that does sound nice, Marcus. That does sound nice. Yeah, it's pretty

nice. And you can do that on the cheap, too. That's not going to cost a whole lot of money. Yeah, you're going to have to train the seagull to shit on him specifically, but that's going to be your biggest cost. There's a bunch of crazy seagulls in Seattle, so that's an easy find. Perfect. There you go. Ben?

Yeah. The vacation that I would like to do is have Holden be the mouth pooper scooper of the mystery shitter. So he's got to follow the mystery shitter wherever he goes, clean up all his poop with his mouth. You're going to be with me, by the way. That's one thing everybody needs to remember. Yeah, I'm going to watch you do it.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I just want to watch him eat a bunch of shit. How are you going to find the mystery pooper? Ben knows the mystery pooper. I'll text him or give a call out or Craigslist it or something like that. I'm sure it's one of the people he went to high school with. But then Holden's got to go and then he's got to reuse the poop that he ate from the mystery pooper

and poop it out all over the United States. Poop of the poop. What do you think? I mean, it sounds like there's dining there. Where was the pooper against? Dakota? Michigan. Michigan. Okay, Michigan. Michigan's coming up. Where was the pooper against? Dakota? Michigan. Michigan.

Okay, Michigan. Michigan's coming up. So, nukies, right? Yeah. All right, I'll go to a game. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I could do that. I think that'd be fun.

That's backyard chilling, too. He like poops in backyards, so I want to hang out in the backyard. I never get to a backyard in the city. Yeah, backyards are great. Yeah, for sure. You spun it to make it enjoyable for you. Okay. That makes me sad.

My only qualm is it's going to be doing something that gets Ben hard. Yeah. That's the only problem I have. That's trouble. Bunch of jokes. Doug, what do you got for me, buddy? Where are we going? Well, mine wasn't so mean.

I guess I was going to take it to the Far East. Okay. We'd go to Japan, check out't so mean. I guess I was going to take it to the Far East. Okay. We'd go to Japan, check out the Nintendo factory. I'd love to go to the Nintendo. Oh, yeah. I heard they're really cool. I heard you can meet Miyamashi or whatever the fuck his name is. You just go to the offices and act like a little kid.

Meet Mario. Yeah. Then we'd go to an ice cream parlor, get some devil scooping and pick your own ice cream flavor that you want to eat. I haven't heard you say the word manga yet, so I'm a little upset, but what are we doing? I wasn't going to do that yet. Okay. But then, yeah, if you want to go to get some manga, we can go

to like... Disgusting. We could do that too. Then we'd fly back home and then we'd have a couple buffer days. We wouldn't have to go back to work for like A week. And you'd just chill out And that's what we would do. Doug's thing sounds Like he's on like a mystery dater

Reality show. Yeah. You know Like holding can't see him. I thought that was the challenge Would you like to be holding in this situation? Mmm. Mongo I wanna see like I wanna see what Princess Peach's manga looks like. Yeah.

I can show you right now. It's disgusting. Yeah. Princess Peach porn. Well, we get the... Bill, what do you got? Bill, what do you got? You know what?

It's funny because I was here about three weeks ago, but I'd like to take you to Tinian. Tinian is a remote island in the South Pacific where they actually loaded the atom bombs on the Enola Gay. It's a remote airstrip, so we'd go check that out, smoke some weed, reflect. Then we'd go to the casino. We'd pick up a couple Russian hookers. Okay.

And after that, we'd eat at the buffet, and then, you know, obviously, we'd figure something out after that. Get some Glashnick. And drink some vodka. Fuck yeah. You know, tell some off-color jokes, and it would be a good time. All right. Let's go.

My God, I love that. That's an actual, that's perfect. Those are like, they're both like... That's great. You don't deserve that good of a vacation. That's what I'm talking about. Both of those sound... Doesn't deserve any vacation.

No. The man hasn't worked in... How old are you? Let't deserve any vacation. No. The man hasn't worked in... How old are you? Let's go with 22. Yeah, in about that many years. All right, Marcus. Okay. So we're going to try and hit even on this vacation.

All right? Holden and I are going to go out to Laos. All right? We're going to put a wig on him. I'm going to let him sit on the beach for like two days, let him roast up a bit so we can get him a little bit darker. And then I'm going to put a wig on him. I'm going to let him sit on the beach for like two days. Let him roast up a bit so we can get him a little bit darker. And then I'm going to put him in a dress. No, no.

I'll let him have the beach for a few days. Okay. Wig, dress. He's my lady boy. I'm his pimp. I farm him out. You can fuck men or women or whatever. It's going to be highest bidder.

We're going to make all the money back. At the end of the night when the sun comes up. We're going to drink a fifth of whiskey on the beach as the sun comes up every day. But we're going to make all the money back and I'm also going to get to beat you when you don't listen to me.

Yeah, of course. I'm not going to listen a lot. I'm going to have a little switch. I'm going to have a little switch with my cane. I'll go, nine. I'll be like, oh, turn the switch on. That's a German reference. Yeah, you know, Kissel will probably be there, too.

Hey, Jackie. Jackie. Bye. I'm saying, lady boys. Jackie's unnoticed. Unnoticed. You put me unnoticed. I'm saying, we're going to have a great time in Laos.

Okay, I'm down. Lady boy, let's do it. All right. By the way, you lost a point. No. No. That's a German word. You lost a point.

No, it's nine. No, it's a nine. You lost a point. Fuckers. Yep, I like that, Marcus. Well, it's your birthday month. It's your month. Aw.

He hates it. Hate it. All right, so I want to take Holden. We're going to get a little creative here. We're going to go to the past. And Holden needs to learn about his heritage, his Scottish heritage. Okay. He's Scottish.

Scottish-Irish. But we're going to go to the Scottish side. And we're going to go to Braveheart times. And I'm going to watch you fight in a war and die. If you're going to do that, then find the person that gave him all the bumps. Find the dumb shit who poked the gal that was all lumpy and started off his lumpy. They're all lumpy.

The Scottish women. You know what I was told? When I was in Scotland, I went to the big statue of, what's his name? William Wallace. William Wallace statue. The Battle of Stirling. Where the big battle was fought. And apparently the Scottish soldiers, their women would chew up hallucinogenic mushrooms. battle of sterling where the big battle was fought and apparently the uh scottish soldiers their women would chew up hallucinogenic mushrooms and spit the juice in their mouths so they'd be

tripping balls during battle so like these refined british soldiers would be standing on one side of the field and these fucking insane like tripping balls like warriors scottish dudes would be on the other and that's how they won most of their shit. They were just scary looking. It's like the berserkers, the Viking berserkers. They used to do the same thing. Yeah. They'd just be out of their fucking mind. So like

you know, there's no rules anymore. Yeah, so you're gonna fight and I'm gonna go hang out with a horse on a hill listening to a boombox. You brought the boombox from the future, I see. What is the horse's... They're going to think I'm a god.

What is the horse's... Or just shoot and murder you immediately. What's the horse's name? Oh, the... What's a good Scottish name? No name. Oh, look at him. Sounds good.

All right. Well, is there any way, because we still need him. Me and Doug still need him for the band. Is there any way that we could bring him back like just losing a foot? I mean, it depends on the English. That's up to them. That's a good point. I guess it does.

They're evil fucks back then. Yeah. They're not all T and fucking crimpets like they are now. They still were though, but they were violent. Crimpets. They love their crimpets. Oh, the Brits and their crimpets.

If I hear one more goddamn thing about how tasty the crimpets are over there in the UK, I'm going to be livid. Can I get a snee with a side of drumpets? Well, fuck it. Holden, you're going to Scotland then.

Alright. Have a good time. Holden's too gross to kill. They won't want to touch him. He'll be fine. Slimy like a frog. Yeah, you'll be great. And Eddie needs a vacation too and it sounds like he'd have a great time.

Oh, we'd have a blast in Scotland, man. We'd go to Loch Ness. Sure. Go to Loch Ness. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I dipped my balls in Loch Ness. You did? Yes, I did.

We got really hammered at this fucking pub and then went out to Loch Ness and we dipped our balls in it. Nice. It was fucking great. That's disrespectful, man. It is disrespectful. All right, everybody. So Eddie's the big winner of tonight's game that didn't matter. It was fucking great. That's disrespectful, man. It is disrespectful. All right, everybody.

So Eddie's the big winner of tonight's game that didn't matter. That is Jackie Zabrowski, Ed Larson, Holden McNeely, Kevin Barnett. Jackie, you're burping? That was the last one. That was like a lot. Yeah, that was the bottom. Marcus Parks, Bill Austin, Doug Austin, thanks so much for being here. Thanks a lot, guys. Thank you.

Thank you so much. And that is Jack the Worm on Twitter. And then What's Next Ed on Twitter. And at Murder Fist. And at Fat Boy Barnett. And of course for Ben, German Horse. He's on notice now, too. You're on notice.

And by the way, the notices carry over to next week. No, come on. No, it's a clean slate every week. Well, we, yeah. You're on notice. And by the way, the notices carry over to next week. No, come on. No. Watch your notices. No, it's a clean slate every week. Well, we'll see. Put it on the chalkboard. Yeah, petition me, and then maybe we'll see if I can change that rule. Everyone's getting the notice.

The thing is, that was your promise for you. What the fuck? I don't know. Why are they getting it? I don't understand this at all. Kevin, don't bring it up. I said that I wouldn't say it, and I would yell at anybody who did say it. So I wouldn't say it, and I would also defend his Jewish honor.

But it's also very negative that you brought it up to begin with. Yeah. Ben would rather have a real gift for his birthday, probably. Yeah, you know, I didn't think that far ahead. Thank you, Marcus. Well, you can't get Nazis gifts, man. It's wrong. It ain't right.

Yeah, it's bribing the devil. Yeah, they already got all those teeth. Everybody's on notice. All right. Goodbye.