The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 206: Everyone is a Suspect

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

This week on Round Table: we've got one hell of a mystery on our hands this week. Someone took a dump in Holden and Ben's shower. Who was it?! Join the Round Table as we spend the majority of an hour and half trying to solve this stumper. Joining us today: Jermaine Fowler, Lupe Rodriquez and Chris Donahue!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay out, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Yeah, someone's praying. Everyone, please close your eyes for a guided meditation. You are my girlfriend.

The day is precisely Saturday, July 26th. That would be yesterday. It's around 4pm. You're at my place. I'm gone now. You decide to take a shower. You go into the bathroom. You turn on the water and you're like, holy hell, it kind of stinks in here. Someone you decide to take a shower. So you go into the bathroom. You turn on the water and you're like, holy hell, it kind of stinks in here. Someone must have taken a big dump.

You put your foot in the shower and you feel something squishy. Oh, no, no, no. And you look down and your foot is in a pile of shit. There's shit in the shower? A pile of human shit. Wow. And you have to wash it off your foot and try to get it down the drain. And then later you're me and you come home and you go to take a shower

and you look down and there's still little flakes of human shit in the tub. Alright, now open your eyes and welcome to the round table. Ben, what the fuck? Ben, what in fucking Jesus Christ? Is this real? There was human shit in our tub, man.

Not me. I haven't showered in there for days. I wasn't there at all on Saturday. I mean, I guess it could have fallen out of me like the day before. I was at work all day on Saturday. Someone shit in the fucking shower. I don't know who the fuck it was. I have one other roommate.

I get a text from my girlfriend. It's like, hey, the light in your room went out and there was shit in the tub. I'm like, motherfucker. Maybe a cat snuck in. it's probably a cat a cat took a giant dump holden i've been taking i've been breaking in your house and shitting in your tub good god i'm happy that it happened what that's happened to me before too what are you talking you woke up and there's shit in your tub no yeah there was a time where i fucking i walked into the into the bathroom not in my house this is where i was i was i time where I fucking, I walked into the bathroom, not in my house, this is where I was, I was in another place

and I walked and I'm staying with some friends, I walk into the bathroom and I'm like, oh, it smells like shit in here. Somebody must have

taken a shit recently and then I step on some stuff which I hoped at the time was mud and it was not. It was mud being the shit of mud.

That's what she said, she was like, oh, is that some mud? No, you live in New York City. you're gonna be the richest person in the world

because you're the first one to see white mud. That's from Tommy Boy or Black Sheep. There's a difference between the smell of someone just taking a dump in the bathroom and just straight shit. Right. You thought the smell of that shit was the... It wasn't me, man. It was my fucking girlfriend.

Which makes it even worse. That's wild. Does she still love you? Kind of. Maybe it was hers Which makes it even worse. That's wild. Does she still love you? Kinda. Maybe it was hers. Maybe it was her. Maybe it was hers. Yeah, it was probably hers. What just fell out of her? Did she just fucking cover something up?

Happened while you weren't there? It's a nightmare. I just been, just know, a couple hours ago I went in with a fucking hazmat suit and sanitized the bathroom. It wasn't me. I don't even care. I mean, I just don't know who ago I went in with a fucking hazmat suit and sanitized the bathroom. It wasn't me. I don't even care. I mean, I just don't know who it was.

Somebody did it. You should care. There was shit in your tub. Yeah, you should definitely care. I didn't step in it. Because he shit in the tub. That's why he don't care. You like to shit on things.

Who could have said that? I mean, I guess it could have been our other roommate, but we'll have to, you know. I mean, I wasn't home. I mean, I'm totally, I mean, I'll go to the fucking cops with my report. I was at work and I haven't showered at our place in a long time. I mean, I showered the night before. You didn't have to necessarily shower to shit in the shower. You've got to shower to shit.

It looks like a double toilet when you're hammered. What are you... Especially from so high up, things are smaller. See, that's what I thought. You're the last one to use the shower hole. I thought possibly maybe that a big, giant, giant monster

that was hammered walked in and was like, oh, I want to use the tub that's more my size or the toilet that's more my size. I'm not drinking during the week. Well, this is how you found out

your girl was cheating on you. I know, right? She had some dude over who took a dump in the tub. He took a dump in the tub and was like, I'm not going to fuck your girlfriend in your bed.

He took a dump in the shit in the tub. going to fuck your girlfriend in your bed. I'm not going to shit in your tub. That's just straight domination. That's the most dominated thing you can do to a dude. I'm not going to fucking do that if I'm the other guy now. Welcome to the Roundtable of Gentlemen, everybody. I'm happy Holden's girlfriend stepped in shit. It's not nearly as bad as dating him. Who is here?

Jackie Zabrowski. Man, I really wish it was me that shit in your tub. I wish it was me that shit in your tongue. I wish it was me. Who couldn't it have been, Jackie? Do you have any suspects? No, I mean, it's definitely been, but... What if it's not me?

What if Kathy flew into town for one night? He's still got the key. Sneaks in, shits in a tub, flies back to Chicago. Best prank all time. I'm Ed Larson. Jay's in cat park. It is elaborate. I'm intrigued. Could be the super, the landlord. I'm Ed Larson. Jay's in cat park. It is elaborate. I'm intrigued.

Could be the super, the landlord. I don't know. Tony wouldn't do such a thing. His mother used to live there. She died there. He would never shit on her ghost.

There was doo-doo in that tub. You know, at first I was hoping she was lying to me. I was hoping she was doing it so that she never, like,

in order to not have to come to my apartment anymore, but I found some of the poopy in there. So when I came home to take a shower. Someone vomited my toe. Yeah, I've had vomit in the toe. It won't flush down.

Not so bad. Just vomit. Not nearly as bad. Nah. In fact, that's relatively common. I don't know. Vomit might be grosser than doody. It just smells so...

I think it smells worse than doody. I think it looks worse, too. Doody's one color. Vomit is so many gross colors. And I don't want these people on these Facebook pages implicating me in this poop situation. So shut up. I gotta say, man.

Shut up before you say something. Yeah, shut up, you fucking idiots. And Holden's a nightmare. So please. I'm gonna shit right on his girlfriend. It's weird because I like you, man. You're my friend and everything. You probably weren't even at the house, but there's still no doubt in my mind that it was you.

It doesn't matter, Kevin, because it's not true. I mean, does poop just fall out of a man in the shower? It's like a horse, maybe, if you're really relaxed. I'm wondering, right? It's not like you're just going to go poop there, you know, necessarily. I mean, I think it would have to happen. It could have been like a cheese clog. And then when the cheese clog let loose, the poop just fired right out.

You had no clue. I know Murderfist is having some internal troubles. Perhaps there was a vendetta. Ooh, a vendetta against Holden. That's possible. That's possible. Eddie, you've got some complaints about Holden. Well, you know, I mean, I ain't shitting the tub.

I'm not that creative. Someone's been shitting in our office. I'm sorry. Let's just do the name things. We'll get down to the shit. Chris Donoghue is here. Thanks for being here, Chris. Thanks for having me.

And Jermaine Fowler is here as well. And Kevin, you're here. Oh, yeah. And I'm Ben. Okay, so someone was shitting in your office? On the floor of the woman's bathroom. Oh, the floor. Yeah, I'm sorry. Really? so someone was shitting in your office? On the floor of the woman's bathroom. Oh, the floor? Yeah, I'm sorry.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Really? Yes, yes. This is twice it happened. Twice? Yeah, it happened last week. Last week? Jen found it.

A mystery pooper, huh? Jen found it? Jen found the poop. I think it's her that keeps finding the poop, right? Yeah. And Jen's her. That's an immediate suspect. Jen Bartel from Friends of the People, the two-TV show that you're working on.

She keeps on finding poop on the floor of the bathroom? Yeah, she leaves immediately after it's like, she goes, I found poop on the floor. It wasn't me.

And then she'll leave the office and she won't come back. Last time she saw it. Who was doing it? That sounds super suspicious. Wow. Is it a man or a woman? I'm going to leave work

for the rest of the day. It's little poops. It's little poops. Little pebble poops. Maybe a rabbit's running around I was thinking a rabbit Yeah But That's crazy

How do you not know? I don't know I poop I don't sell toilets You know what we need Cameras and ladies We squat You squat

In public places Yes In public places I have to squat Well you're the kind of ass I want to follow though What do you mean? If I see you coming out of the bathroom

I'm like That's a nice little butt there. It looks like a clean... Oh, you'd sit on my warm butt? I'll sit on your warm butt. I love it when it's nice and toasty. I'm a squatter. I can't sit on a toilet. Really? So I know I'm dropping it in because you all hear it and shit. Yeah.

I can't imagine someone... I hate the squat. You always feel like you're in the woods. No. You gotta sit and relax. I think... Squats are best. It's best for you. I don't think I're in the woods. No. If you don't, you gotta sit and relax. I think, no. Squats are best. It's best for you. I don't think I've ever swum. You can't get any diseases, except for crabs probably.

No, you can't get crabs. You can't. No, you can't get any diseases. It's a myth. It's a myth. Yeah. You have like pussy shit. The only...

Pussy, you could get something. Who's got puss on their butt? I don't know. I never want to see a person with pus on their butt. It's more a woman's vagina you can't trust. Especially if it seeps and it gets in the folds and the folds are all on there. Marcus, can people get pus in their butt?

Yeah, absolutely. Hemorrhoids, you can definitely... Pus comes from that, right? I got no pus. Are you pusless? No, I got hemorrhoids, but no pus. Violent hemorrhoids. How do you I got hemorrhoids Violent hemorrhoids How do you get your hemorrhoids? Wiping your butt too hard?

Not wiping your butt enough Pushing too hard After my hernia surgery I had problems I got hemorrhoids right afterwards You gotta relax It's over though I either get them snipped out Or just

Don't enjoy sitting down anymore You told me it doesn't work Because if you get them snipped out They fucking just, you know. Like a dog? They don't enjoy sitting down anymore. You told me it doesn't work because if you get them snipped out, they have to close up the hole even smaller. You know, just get hemorrhoids again. Yeah, I'll just get them again. Yeah. Oh, I'm sorry about that. Oh, it's fine. You're going to get them too.

Well, I got one yesterday. Sorry, last week. Yeah, enjoy it. It's going to be there for a while. Damn it. Well, it's gone. It's gone, but it'll come back. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like herpes or something? You push it back in, and then it pops right back out. You got to name it. You got to name it. Well, it's gone. It's gone, but it'll come back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like herpes or something? You push it back in, and then it pops right back out. You gotta name it. You gotta name it. What would you name your hemorrhoid, Jeremy? What would you name it, dude? Freddy Krueger. Ooh, that's a good one.

That's a good one. Slices and dices. And it's like, oh, I'm not asleep. I name him Ant. Ant the hemorrhoid? Ant the funny. Butt Luger, man. Butt Luger. I call mine the Cosby's.

You have 17 hemorrhoids in you. No, that's the Wayans. All right, let's do one news story, and then let's get back to hemorrhoids talk. And I do want to figure out who pooped in our shower. I'm saying Kep. It's not possible. It's not.

The sad thing is I have to admit that I haven't bathed in three days except for today. You bathed today so you bathed in a shit tub. I didn't see the shit. You should probably shower again. I know because we wiped it off but I hadn't really sterilized the environment until hours

later. Fascinating. Yeah you've got a little bit of pooized the environment until hours later. That's fascinating. Yeah, you've got a little bit of poo-poo on your ankles, for sure. That's how tall it was, the poo? What if it was Mike's girlfriend? Ooh. All right, let's not bring the roommate into it. He's not a performer. First of all, yeah, I don't want to name his fucking ass.

Mike is pretty, I think. He's a lot of Mike's out there. I don't think Mike did it. I don't think Mike did it. We've had guests. I just don't know who. I literally haven't showered in our house until, yeah, I don't know. Yeah,. I don't think Mike did it. He might be a suspect. What's his last name? We've had guests. I just don't know who, I literally haven't showered in our house until, yeah, I don't know.

Yeah, but have you shit in our house? Not in the tub. And no, I don't think I have. I haven't been around for a while. Have you? Yeah, the universe hasn't been here since Wednesday, so we're all clear. This was a joke.

Somebody probably, I don't know, I will, this is a mystery. What about Devin? The bass player of the comedy? It was his birthday, so that would have been like a nice little birthday fun. This is a roundtable mystery, and I think we have to write. We gotta figure it out.

We need to write this story and figure out who did it. No one's, and everyone's, I'm suspect. You're definitely suspect, yeah. Oh my God, it's like Clue. I know. Maybe someone's pooped in the bathroom. Well, you know, you've been known to sleep eat, Ben. I mean, maybe it's possible you sleep shat.

I just feel like I eat and then I poop sober. You know, I eat drunk and poop sober. I trust you. I mean, I don't trust anybody in this room. I don't trust about this fucking dookie in the tub. Well, I just I have a briefcase here and it's full of 12 gifts. That's a reference to Clue. All right. How many people think he did it? No, I don a briefcase here, and it's full of 12 gifts. That's a reference to Clue. All right.

Can we take a vote? How many people think he did it? No, I don't want to. No, this is not a joke. I don't think he did it. It was dripping down the inside of the tub, right? Up onto the ground. So it seems like somebody would probably have squat over the side of it and shit.

I guess they could have drippy dropped it. Like, if you're in the the shower though, you've got the shower curtain on the inside. Where was it? It was like right by the, it was like nearish to the drain on the, and it was drip dripping down. There was like a pile of it. So somebody shat?

Somebody had to have. Someone sat on our tub. You know, I'm just kind of realizing this right now talking through it. If the shower curtain was closed and someone was taking a shower and shit fell out of their ass, it would have hit the curtain. It wouldn't have hit the side of the tub. Somebody took a shit in our

shower. Shit lock home. Maybe the door wasn't locked and someone just snuck in. It was like some weirdo. And just took a dump? What if it's the mystery pooper that's on the loose? Yeah. He's been listening to the show.

He's coming after us. We've given out our address before on the show. Yes. Oh, no. The mystery pooper. You brought this upon yourself, man. How much time do you spend insulting fans? And you know there's a mystery pooper out there.

He started listening to the show. He got offended. You guys got duked out. Jackie lives on... Marcus, get it out. I dare you to come to my place. I got a six foot barbed wire fence. He'll shit through it.

You can shit through a fence. Good luck, you fucking piece of shit. Do you know a dog got murdered by my place? What? What? Oh my God.

What is happening today? What do you mean? Everyone's extremely hungover. I got poop news and dog murder news. Alright, so while I'm in Wisconsin This is news. That's very loose. This is news. Trust me. When you hear this story, this is better than anything we fucking talk about.

Alright, so there's this bullmastiff pit bull mix. 160 pound dog. Oh, my God. Head bigger than a basketball, okay? One of the shopkeepers brings him. He's a rescue. He brings him.

Apparently, there's been problems with this before. There's a different pit ran at him in the backyard, and the other pit was 60 pounds. He picked it up with his mouth and threw him against the wall. It's like this is the most powerful dog in history. Dogs lose. It's the dog from the sandlot. It's basically, yeah.

Mixed with a pit bull. Oh my god. And so this dog's out there. It's happening in Wisconsin. My buddy Dave sent me a picture of a dead dog. And he's like, hey, you're not home, are you? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I was like, no, I'm in Wisconsin. He's like, thank God. They were killing all fat animals. He thought you were going to be next. Yeah, well, so the dog was just loose in my area. Right in front of my house is a barbed wire fence in front of my door. And the dog was just loose around there. He's keeping it in there.

And he didn't know people were coming to work early. By the way, if I was just stumbling there. He's keeping it in there and he didn't know people were coming to work early. By the way, if I was just stumbling home drunk at four in the morning, this thing would have ripped me to fucking shreds. I would have been like, oh, no, that's a great way for you to die though, Eddie. Oh, yeah. One of those fucking things.

Oh, yeah. Okay. Jermaine's showing us a picture of your Google Mastiff. Thank you. Thank you. All right. So anyway, the dog flips out Great dog. Dog flips out. Okay, dog flips out on one of the workers.

Okay, what is the dog freak out? Don't know why. It's got a bad history. He's filled with rage. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a beaten 160-pound killing machine. Yeah. All right, dog flips out, attacks one of the guys that works there, bites him, and eats

his leg. Literally, I'm saying ate a big-ass chunk of meat out of the side of his leg to the bone. Swallowed it. Ate it. Ate his fucking leg. Blood's gushing, squirting everywhere. Bit him again.

Eat another part of his leg. The owner comes by, starts punching the dog in the face, trying to get him off it. The dog then attacks the owner, starts ripping at his fucking leg. Another guy comes in with a fucking steel pipe. Cracks the thing over the fucking head three times. The dog's bleeding split open head. Dog's bleeding out the head, still attacking the owner.

The owner gets loose magically, gets in the chokehold, fucking chokes it to death in front of everybody. And they said there's no good theater in Queens. And he was just like, I have to kill you now. So I loved you. I'm so sorry.

And then he went and sat covered in blood, bleeding out his leg, waiting for the ambulance. Went and sat on my stoop and reflected his life. Oh, my God. And then this happened right as my buddy was coming into work. And he was, like, he got a call. He was, like, get here now. And he was around the block. And he shows up.

And there's, like, a fucking dude covered in blood on the front stoove holding his head, shaking back and forth. And he goes back. And there's just, like, 160-pound dead dog. Another guy bleeding up the side of him. It looks like a shark bite. It's fucking crazy. What was he doing Julyuly 24th on saturday was he pooping in my time there is this new guy who they got uh he was like 17 years old he's

just working there he's like you trash bags tape wrap up the dog and he just like wrapped it up in two seconds well that's a good way to tell if someone's italian yeah how well does he do it and how quick is it done yeah man, man. It was fucking wild. He told me that story the other day. Yeah. Bull massive. Are they still like bloodstains near stoop and all that stuff? No, they cleaned it.

That's sad, though. It's sad to see a dog go. I mean, that was a crazy dog. That would have happened outside the window of my bed if I was sleeping in it. It would have been like, I would have been able to see it from my bed. Dude, it's more like, I think you're right. You would have been fucking ripped apart by this dog coming home at fucking four in the morning. I would have been so happy to see a dog.

Just smiling, open arms. That's the thing. I don't know. I feel like that dog would have just been chilling on the couch with that drinking fucking pass. Yeah, that's the thing. The dog was like, I'm going to want some weed. The guy got attacked. I mean, he's no Ed Larson.

We'll put it that way. I can see you with a pit bull mask of chill and just watching fucking True Detective. Oh, don't look at it. It hates eye contact. Wow. We got some round table local news tonight. Great local news.

Wild story. You're a hell of a reporter. Hell of a reporter. I'm looking at that story up to date, dude. That's fucking dope. I mean, it's not in the news. No, no, no, no. That's a, that's a Larson special. No, no, no.

Now it's in the news. This is the news. Yeah. This is the news. Someone died in my apartment building. Like, Oh my God. This story is like, not really funny at all. It's just sad, but here we go.

Yeah. No, he, he lived two doors down from me and he went to mandatory rehab for heroin. The second he got out, he came home, shot up heroin, and died. He wanted to do it. Did they find out by the smell? I'm not sure. He had roommates.

They came home and he was dead there. Did you know him? No, I didn't know him. It was the apartment I lived at at one point. Really? Was it your room? I'm not sure if it was my room or not. But yeah, he fucking...

Does your rent go down or up? It's insane. I'd pay double. I'd love it. That was crazy, though. Yeah. Marcus, what's the news story? Scranton police arrested a man and woman Wednesday for fighting on a street corner,

though the man implicated a chicken for causing his injuries. Humberto Guevara, 27, and Marlene Bravo, 23, same address, were both charged with simple assault. Both were scratched, and Mr. Guevara said a chicken attacked him while at work. Ms. Bravo denied they fought, but police said a witness saw them fight. Both were taken into custody. Wow. The chicken's got to be arrested. Why isn't the chicken arrested?

Rabid chicken somewhere. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Eat the chicken. Arrest the chicken first, and then, yeah, eat the chicken. I was thinking about getting the chicken as a pet. Don't. Don't.

They're dumb animals. Well, that's why you get them as a pet. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Put it in the front yard. Just kind of, like, you know, let it run around. I love dumb chickens. They're dumb animals. That's why you get them as a pet. Put it in the front yard. Let it run around. I love dumb chickens. They're just like walking cabbages. I like to eat chicken in front of the chicken.

It'd be fun to eat chicken in front of the chicken. The chicken wouldn't even care. There's a place right by my house that sells live chickens. Really? They can't be that expensive. Did you move to Puerto Rico? Where do you live, Ed? I live in Long Island City.

Oh, okay. Me too. There's like a live chicken, pig, and duck store. I think I've walked past that shit. I think Adam Wirtz lives next to like a chicken coop or something like that. It's a big bodega. Adam Wirtz, one of the best directors around, and he's going to be super famous. That is the interesting thing about Brooklyn.

There are farm communities. I guess it's a farm, right? The delis, the delis, back of the delis, they just have a bunch of chicken coops. I think they're illegal. Of course they're illegal. Are they illegal or are they legal? I mean, they have to be legal.

They exist and it's right next to the subway. I mean, how are you not going to get caught? Cockfight or dogfight? I'm going to go cockfight. I would never watch a dogfight. Oh, yeah, cockfight. Definitely. You warm up.

You've got to get sick of cockfights before you go to a dog fight. That's true. Yeah, it's like just starting with like, chick sucking a dick when you look at porno, and the next thing you're like, yeah, piss in her gate. And a friend of mine owned a rooster in high school, actually. Yeah. Dominican guy named Jose,

and he would bring in videos during our biology class of him beating beating up the chickens so we had a project to go home and do a science experiment did he play it for class? yeah he would what did the teacher do?

we didn't know we thought it was a regular video of a rooster just clucking so Jose goes I have my homework

we go alright played it so we turned the lights off so your teacher was like go home and beat the animal you have in the house and then present it in front of the class? No, he said everyone

bring in a separate science experiment. Anything you want to do. I think it was a free homework thing. So next day we're all doing our normal day in class until Jose gives him this tape or DVD or whatever and pops it in the computer or whatever

and, like, turn the lights off, pull down the screen from the chalkboard, and all you see is a POV shot of a chicken, a rooster just clucking on his bed. And I was like, oh, this is... This is cool. Yeah, you know, it's normal. I've never seen a rooster before,

so I was like, that's great. And out of nowhere, you just see Jose offscreen jump and just fucking tackle this rooster and beat the shit out of it on the bed. And he turned this in. He turned it in. I mean, the fucking confidence of him. We all laughed our ass off because I've never seen a chicken get his ass whipped.

It is very Pink Flamingos when, of course, John Waters instructed a man to have sex with a chicken to death. So I guess it's relatively... I would say it's more of an art piece than a science piece. The best part is you let the feel of the tape finish. Oh my god. At some point, the teachers would be like,

let's just end it. So how much trouble did he get in? Yeah, what was the consequence? He didn't. What do you mean he didn't get in trouble? I think so. All I remember is Mr... Did it die? I didn't eat it. you mean he didn't get in trouble? I think so. All I remember is Mr. Did it die? I think they ate it. I don't know. That might have been the pre-thing to do.

Ritual. I'm not Dominican. His experiment was dinner duty. Exactly. And his mother was like, go kill the family rooster. It probably was legal, but not humane. I don't know. I have no idea.

I don't know. Mr. Robinson just told him, okay. That's how we spoke. Okay, so we won't be doing any of these again. Oh, man. He ruined it. It reminds me of Michelle Pfeiffer in Dangerous Mind. But your teacher was immediately crushed.

Oh, okay. I won't be teaching. Jermaine, were girls crying? No, I'm not joking. We all laughed. Everyone fucking laughed. He just beat this chick with his fist? Yeah, man.

How does this make you feel, Bird Luger? It can't be good. It can't be good. Fucking vengeful, man. What was this dude's name? Jose Nunez. I think it was Nunez. Jose Nunez. Can't be good. Fucking vengeful, man. What was this dude's name? Jose. Jose. I think it was Nunez.

Jose Nunez. You have to take a dump in that dude's tub. I know, man. Dump in his tub. Yeah, I'm still very confused. Damn. I had a guy bringing two chickens for show and tell when I was a kid. They didn't do anything.

I mean, they shit everywhere. Yeah, they poop everywhere. Yeah, they poop everywhere. Oh, yeah. Everywhere. Chickens are disgusting. Backyardchickens.com Backyardchickens.com They got a.com now. It used to be a.gov.

They say that in New York... Oh, yeah, give me that Backyardchickens.com Yeah. They say in New York, Clinton administration. Oh yeah, give me that backyard chicken. Yeah. They say in New York, currently, chicken laws are very lax here in the city. You can have hens, but no roosters. Okay, they're stupid.

So you can. You can have a chicken coop here in the city. No, because they fucking Yeah, they're loud. Well, it's just worse than the motherfucker playing Biggie in the fucking car in the street. We had a rooster very close by that would wake us up and it would just fucking

cuckoo all fucking night and day. That's the thing. Aren't they supposed to flap their cluck once a day? This one was all fucked up. He probably wasn't banging any hands. He was calling you Jackie

he was calling me and I was like babe you've got to wait I'm not ready yet Jackie had a chicken pussy that would be so fucking funny I just wish my pussy had a beak what do you wish your pussy had Jackie? a beak

that would be a lot of fun I don't know if it would talk or not I just wish my pussy had a beak. What do you wish your pussy had, Jackie? A beak. A beak, yeah. Yeah, that would be a lot of fun. Just like, I don't know if it would talk or not, but it would definitely have like the giblets hanging down. And it's like, that's the actual pussy. It's just like the turkey giblets. What are they called? Yeah, gobbler.

Goggles. Gobbles. Gobbles. I mean, it just sounds expensive, like pants and underwear wise. You got a beak sticking out of your vagina. You don't want that. No, and where's the men's, the briefs, the boxer briefs? The dick hole, penis hole ones.

Yeah, dick hole ones. Yeah, man. Yeah, I guess the gobbler, a turkey gobbler does look like a testicle sack there without the balls. Right. It's kind of weird. Oh, yeah, it's a ball-less sack. Yeah, it's a ball-less little sack there.

Empty fucking balls. Do people eat those things? Oh, I don't know. I guess you could deep fry it. Right. But you can deep fry most things. Or you can make it into like a jerky. Do people eat those things? Oh, I don't know. I guess you could deep fry it. But you can deep fry most things. Or you can make it into like a jerky. I don't know. That's what I was wondering. Or maybe you can make it into a purse.

A really soft purse. Jamaican heritage? Is that something that would be edible? The fucking shit. I don't think I've seen people eating that. I never heard of it. Interesting. I think we should start it. Grab up your birds, bird luger.

Let's fucking cut off their gibbles and let's fucking deep fry it. I like the idea. So what's happening? So this couple got arrested. The chicken went free. Yeah, the chicken went free. I did find a picture of a scrotum without any balls in it. It does kind of look like a chicken giblet.

It looks like a giblet. Fire it up. He kept the sack. scrotum without any balls in it. It does kind of look like a chicken giblet. It looks like a giblet. Oh, man. Wear it up. All right. He kept the sack. He didn't just... Some people are born without balls. No. Are you serious?

Yeah. I was born without wisdom teeth. And you have huge balls. God works in mysterious ways. You know, my dad always used to tell me, you know... He put his wisdom teeth in a sack. My dad always used to tell me, but it wasn't true. He said, son, you were born without balls.

But it wasn't true. I have a couple down there. I always thought your balls came in a separate sack, kind of like those party things. Like a party dish? Like the three compartment dish? No, like those festive things. You mean like bolos? Yeah, those.

I thought balls came like that. Like they would clap and you walked like that. See, that'd be kind of fun because I feel like the balls are like brothers being in the sack together. They get jealous of each other and mad at each other and bang around. They're real chatty. I can hear them right now.

They like to go shopping. Alright, Marcus. I don't want to think about Ed's balls anymore. The lowest thing goes through. Chris, you got big balls? Yeah, they're decent.

They plumpin'? Yeah. Pretty good. Are they seasonally big or are they stay big the entire time? Yeah, year-round. Yeah, well,

the nuts get bigger in the summer. Does anybody have those tight... Yeah, they're saggy but not as tight. Not this tight. Well, it changes with the heat The nuts get bigger in the summer. Does anybody have those tight nuts? Not this tight. Well, it changes with the heat and the cold. What it is is when it's cold, your sack constricts to try to keep the balls warm.

And the heat, the reason why they get all sticky and stuff is they get loose. I'm showing them on my balls right now. They get loose in order to try to keep them cool in that summer heat. And then when you're aroused, you just show them on the bus. Which is kind of a fun thing to do. It is weird when they get all tight when you are boned out.

I got real tight ones, man. Just general. Year round, dude. I'm fucking agile, nigga. Backflips, nigga. Yeah. Jump in the air, fucking spin. 720 degrees all day, man. Tight ass balls.

Let that nigga eat. Boy, I love it when they have conversations we can't have. All right, it's time for monkey news. Hey! Banana, banana, banana, banana. I'm a snake. How did I get in here? I'm a snake.

How did I get into the monkey room? A two-year-old boy was reportedly kidnapped and killed by chimpanzees in western Uganda over the weekend. Good. I said it was going to happen. It's the Great Monkey Good. I said it was gonna happen. It's the Great Monkey War. It's starting. This is the first kill ever since Dawn of the Planet of the Apes came out. Ed's been on a tear

about the monkey war. That is interesting, though. I mean, Israel and Palestine started with, what, three kids got kidnapped, and now we've got two monkeys kidnapped, two kids. This would be, this is enough to start a war. I, for one, side with the monkeys. Yes, you fucking should. The bereaved mother said she left

two children in the garden to get water from home for one of them to drink, only to find the chimps grabbing the children when she returned, but she said they, however, dropped one and sped off with Mujuni. That would be the toddler question. Give me a drop.

This is a relief to this mother. Honestly. You know what? It's a mean sentence, but it is a lot of work. If you're a son of all the money and you get a bunch of kids, it sounds like a dirty line. It was a monkey. In America, in first world problems, you've got to kill your kid by leaving him in your car. Or in a bathtub.

Or in a bathtub. But yeah, you can just be like, put a bunch of monkey feet around a kid and hopefully you get lucky and they take it. This was a brutal kill. The mother said the chimp undressed him and ripped him on the lower part of the abdomen, exposing the kidney. It also banged the child's head on the ground, opening his skull. They're very good at killing. They're good killers. Great killers.

Amazing killers. Especially, all they do is fight monkeys. You know, humans, real easy. Oh, yeah. That's cakewalk. It's like, oh, yeah, smash the trunk on the head. You know, it's like, yeah, it's great. They were so close to winning the war.

How did we ever beat the monkeys? Back in Neanderthal days. We were in sticks. We were in spears, man. As soon as they learned to ride horses and carry machine guns, we're fucked. Right now, they're just jealous.

They're looking at us, man. Fucking planes, buildings and shit. They got air conditioning. They're mad. That's why they keep ripping people's faces off and stealing kids. And then they watch the movie with the big monkey on the top of the Empire State Building and they're like, what the fuck? We make a mockery of them.

There were chimpanzees that saw the new Planet of the Apes movie. Oh yeah. Let's go give them some ideas. And they got ahead of Uprising. Kidnapped a fucking kitten and dropped the other one. Jermaine, you were saying that we won the monkey war because of spears and all sorts of things. However, this monkey, the spears had no effect.

Armed with dozens of spears and machetes, residents from the area teamed up with police and began searching for the killer chimps deep in the forest to no avail. The monkeys got away. You don't go to a hometown, you know what I mean? You don't fucking go there. They're lucky they weren't jumped by 40 monkeys. Haven't you ever seen that chimpanzee battle in, what's it called, Planet Earth? They fucking eat the fucking brains of the baby and shit.

They fucking rip its face off and shit. I haven't seen that. Very old. Oh, yeah. It's really good. Monkey war. You see them hunting through the forest. They know how to assign, they assign positions.

They know, they do various. Monkeys do that? They do. They were flanking. Like birds? Yeah. Wolves and shit? No, like fucking soldiers.

Like the reason the US won the Revolutionary War. We came from behind. Trickery. Wait, Planet Earth? Like Indians, yeah. They did it like Indians. No, they were great. Yeah. Oh, they're wonderful. Extremely intelligent. God damn. Yeah, Planet Earth? Like Indians, yeah. They did it like Indians. No, they were great. Yeah, oh, they're wonderful, extremely intelligent.

Yeah, they should, they really could. I think they could have an uprising. I didn't know that. Them and big pigs. It's all the lights go out. Pigs and monkeys need to start talking. Don't give them any fucking ideas they could be listening to right now. They're gonna come back and they're gonna shit in your fucking tub, man.

Well, I'd say the pigs get the ground and the apes stay... And then the dolphins have the water. We're springing them closer and closer. Fire ants? Don't fucking forget about fire ants, bro. They just need to start talking to each other. Yeah. Oh, you want to talk about if they've talked to each other? Let me show you right now

the pig monkey. Oh! It's Ed Larson's baby picture. Oh, father of the year. Ed Larson, father of the year. Is that milk coming out of his mouth? I mean, it's just, I mean, it was dead seconds later. Wait, is it real?

Okay, explain to the audience what you're looking at and what are we seeing. What I'm looking at right now is definitely its first words were kill me. It's a pig with a monkey face. It's a pig pig and it's got a monkey's face. But did a pig get a monkey mane? And it was born on earth. Did a pig get a monkey mane? Is that possible?

It's just a birth defect. It's a real bad birth defect on the pig. But was it a pig or a monkey first? It was a pig first. It was a pig with a monkey's face. Damn, man. Can I say it one more time? I thought it was a pig. Is it real? That's real. So it's a mushton snout

obviously. Oh my god, his eyes. It's a mushton snout and a big ass head. Looks like Benjamin Button. More Ron Krasnow. It doesn't like Ron Krasnow. Ron Krasnow is a cancer. Yeah, Ron Krasnow, It doesn't like Ron Krasnow. Ron Krasnow is a cancer. Yeah, Ron Krasnow, of course, a cancer survivor. Oh, yeah, well, yeah, of course.

Okay, Kevin, you want to go? But of course. All right, Kevin Barnett's got to exit. Kevin, final words for the audience. Where do you fucking think you're going? He's got to do a stand-up show. He's opening it for Brooks Whelan at Union Hall. Woo!

Woo! Anybody going? Come on, Kevin. I know, man, but I'm fucking, you know. No one's going there. It's Sunday, and it's, what is it? No one's going. Literally,? Come on, Kevin. I know, man, but I'm fucking, you know. No one's going there. It's Sunday and it's, what is it? No one's going. Literally, there's no one going.

You should probably just stay home. No one's going. You're right. You're right, man. I'm going to stay here, man. I got to go, man. Thanks, Kevin. I thought you were going to come.

Bye, Kevin. Bye, guys. Jermaine. No, Chris, why don't you fill? Go ahead, Chris. No, Jermaine, you fill the seat. Yeah, Jermaine. Same show. Same show. No, Chris, why don't you fill... Go ahead, Chris. No, Jermaine, you fill the seat. All right. Same show.

Same show. Oh, my God. The pigs and the monkeys have gotten together. What do you mean? The human species began as the hybrid offspring of a male pig and a female chimpanzee, an American geneticist has suggested. What? Has suggested drunkenly at a dinner party.

So you're saying the monkey shat in my shower. You're saying a chimp fucked a pig. You know what I fucking think happened to make a man. Has the pig got it fucking rock hard and fucking fucking up a monkey with it. You know what? It makes sense because look at our skin.

Our skin is pink. What do humans taste like? They taste like pork. Okay. Do we? Yeah. Our skin is pink. What do humans taste like? They taste like pork. Okay. Do we? Yeah. Our skin is as tough as pork. It's the only consistency. Who said that? People who have eaten people. When people do like tests for like human skin and stuff, they need to like puncture. Yeah, that's true.

Cannibal cops on the list. They get pigs. Horror movies often use pig bones and pig blood and pig bodies for their Don't get my pussy wet, man. I'm not going to. That's Marcus? Yeah, this guy is one of the world's leading authorities on hybridization in animals. I'm very fascinated about that.

So he says it went down. Like ligers, all that type of shit. It's real ligers? I thought that was a fucking myth. No, no, no. What? Ligers are real? Lions and tigers?

They're beautiful. I've only seen the photos of them. They're like 2,000 pounds. It's the biggest thing in the world. How about black lions? I've seen a black lion picture, but it looks photoshopped. Yeah, not black lions. But the major question is, why do black lions drive like this and white lions drive like that?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Different lions. Yeah, he's making the truth. It's like he says shit when I'm thinking about it. That you were thinking about it. So did the pig fuck the monkey or the monkey fuck the pig? The pig fucked the monkey. Wow.

How does the pig step up from a pig? That's a willing monkey. He didn't rape the monkey. Was the pig wearing a leather jacket? Pig wearing pig. Pigs in biker gangs tonight on 60 Minutes. He slips them into his little dish. Yeah, that had to be a sedated monkey.

That's the problem. He probably ate some weird plant or something that got him all sedated. There's no way a monkey would ever accept a date from a pig. No way. Why not? Why not? I don't know. I don't know how pigs do it all.

I think it's okay. Who's cuter, pigs or monkeys? What do y'all think? I'd't know. I don't know how pigs would offer that. I think it's okay. Who's cuter, pigs or monkeys? What do y'all think? I'd like... Well, pigs are cuter. I would rather hang out with a monkey.

Yeah, if I was to fucking go smoke some weed and fucking blow up guns, I'd hang out with a monkey. I firmly believe you can talk to a monkey and you can have a conversation. Yeah.

But pigs are smarter than dogs. Yeah. So I think you can have a conversation with a pig too. Pigs, if you can't talk to you, you can just kiss them. Yeah, But pigs are smarter than dogs. Yeah. So I think you can have a conversation with a pig, too. Pigs, if you can't talk to you, you can just kiss them. Yeah, you just kiss them. They're so cute. And the way they sound.

I'd definitely rather fuck a monkey, though, than fuck a pig. I'd fuck a pig. I think I'd fuck a pig. You would fuck a pig? I'd fuck a pig, yeah. Yeah, because monkeys are... What if the monkey wanted it? They're into bonkers.

I mean, if the monkey was licking his lips all spread out... The monkey would be beating the fuck out of you. Well, therefore, Jackie would want... The monkey would be into bondage and stuff. The monkey would want to tie you down. You'd tie down the pig. Yeah, you'd tie down the pig. I think it'd be more sensual, the pig.

Yeah. Yeah, because it's already a dog position. Light some candles. Slap it in its ass. It's already a dog position. Oh, squeal when you slap its ass. And the skin. Put an apple in its mouth. And it's like human skin. It's too hairy. It's like a big position Oh the squeal When you slap its ass And the skin Put an apple

It's like human skin It's too hairy It's like a big ass Shave it You're just fucking a big ass The pig or the monkey I think the pig Is too coarse hairy

I feel the ape Is more human hairy You probably have Well I don't want To fuck a human If I'm gonna fuck a monkey I'm gonna fuck a human So if I'm gonna fuck a pig

I'm gonna go straight animal I'm saying these are Your only options Yeah I'll fuck a pig I think a pig is actually monkey, I'm going to fuck a human. So if I'm going to fuck a pig, I'm going to go straight animal. I'm saying these are your only options, Sherman. Yeah, I'll fuck a pig. I think a pig is actually, yeah, if you only had to choose, yeah. Between monkeys. But if you're a woman, I understand the monkey. I think that you're right.

Unless we're talking about orangutan. I think I'd fuck an orangutan. I'd fuck a baboon. Well, they got the butts. Yeah. The red asses. But they're the most vicious ones, I think. I don't know.

The red ass. I don't know Red ass I don't know It's too weird You think it's too weird? It's too weird I'd feel bad fucking a spider monkey Oh yeah It's just so small

Why don't the baboons have hair on their ass? Yeah why is that? I guess maybe a dingleberry thing Did they evolve past it? Those are butts Those are butt cheeks No I know But I'm saying like the dingleberry

I mean poop gets stuck on the hair Maybe they were just so sick of plucking it. That's how they fucking evolved, man. But we got our brains bigger because our skulls were able to expand, and they lost all the hair on their ass. I would argue I would rather be a baboon. I hate my fucking ass hair. I hate ass hair.

I hate my ass hair. You like yours? No, I hate it. I don't like it. It's awful. You got bad ass hair. You got bad hair in all the holes. Yeah, I got real bad hole hair. She got bad ass in all the holes. Yeah, I got real bad hole hair.

I got bad nose hair, bad butt hair. Would you say the poop gets stuck in your butt sometimes? Oh, I got some dingleberries. But then you've been over to our house recently. Interesting. I have not been to your house since Tuesday. After we watched The Purge. I mean, who knows?

The Purge sounds like what happened in that tub. Interesting. Anarchy indeed. Yeah, butt purging. You know, it could have been some kind of, you know, I mean, the sad, scary fact of it has been, it is all completely possible that we have taken entire showers in that tub. True. And there was just a pile of dookies right by us the whole time.

We just didn't notice it because we were too strong. I will say this, Holden. You are making enemies currently in your life because you're being mean to people and I feel like we have... Holden's been mean lately. Why am I being mean? I don't know why. You think that it was a deliberate...

I mean, it's got to be deliberate. I rarely do not accept... It could be hammered. It could, but was it in the middle of the tub or on the side of the tub? Were there two girls in the bathroom at the same time? Somebody took a dump in the shower. Not in the shower. On the shower. It had.

On the shower. At this point, I have to conclude. They definitely said on the edge, right? It's definitely not fact. It's definitely a theory, but it sounds to me like it was someone who squatted over the side of the tub as opposed to someone who shit just fell out of their ass while they were taking a shower. That was an accident.

I guarantee that was an accident. I wish I could claim it was me. Sounds like a drunk accident. I don't see how. I take it. I'm calling intruder. All everything aside, I think someone came in your house. But Ben's suggesting this is an act of revenge.

I don't know. I don't. Lupe. Okay. Can we bring in a special crime? Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Mr. Lupe Rodriguez.

Come up here, Lupe. Kevin left, so now we have an open microphone. So, Lupe, you're a second stringer, and it's nice to have you here. You were a crime scene investigator in Baltimore. Have you ever seen something like this mystery poop? I have not. What's one of the most goresome Goresome things You've ever seen Goresome I guess the

My favorite one Was at a Travel agency Really What happened there Bad tickets No tickets The guy got

Murdered He was killed The travel agent Or the Shopkeep It was the owner The owner Alright

How did he die To the heart Was the Love killed him I don't know I didn't get all shopkeep. It was the owner. The owner? Alright. How did he die? To the heart. Was the love killed him. I don't know. I didn't get all the whole story. Yeah? He was stabbed in the heart though or shot in the heart? Lupe wasn't an investigator. He was the clean up guy. Yeah.

Yeah, that's the worst. Can you come over to my apartment and look at my bathroom and maybe clean that up? The problem is I got rid of the evidence. With the bleach. And you didn't take any pictures? No, no. See, no.

Well, the only picture I could have taken was one flake of shit that was still remaining in the tub after my girlfriend. And Lexi take pictures. I, she, you know, I just think she wanted to erase it from her mind. I don't know how I can make love to the woman again. You know, and then her foot was covered in just somebody's poo-poo. It was Lexi, man. My lady, man-poo. It was Lexi, man. My lady, man. My girl.

It was Lexi. She pooped. Again, I can't call you a liar, Jermaine. I don't know. Have you accused her yet? I think you should really probably accuse her right when you get home. Check it out. She pooped. Yeah, she's probably her.

She was embarrassed when you saw the flake. But then why would she tell me about it? Yeah, she could just clean it up, right? Because you already said you saw a flake, right? No, I didn't see anything. She texted me. She saw it for a whole day. She said the light in your bedroom went out.

Oh, man. This is weird. And someone took a dump in your tub. This is weirder. Was there a party there or no? No parties. There's always people over. Always.

It's been quieter lately, though, Ben. Not that quiet. I mean, there was like the night we saw The Purge. We came back after that. We tied a few off before that watching Weird Al Yankovic videos. Yeah, yeah. The Purge was Wednesday night. Wednesday, okay.

Remember, because we had a fast meeting. That was Wednesday. Yes, that was the last time I was at your house. That was Wednesday night, but both Lexi and I took showers in there on Friday night, and neither of us saw Dookie in the shower. Maybe she told you first, in case you accused her, maybe when you saw little Dookie stains and stuff. I mean she would have just cleaned it. Whoever smelt it

dealt it man. We all know that. I will accuse her of doing it. Everyone's a suspect. Everyone is. I assure you after we're done I will call her up and accuse her of doing it and just to get a read. Alright. Get a read. But at this point I can't count Ben out. I can't count myself

out. I can't count our other roommate out. I can't count Ed out. I'll't count myself out. I can't count our other roommate out. I can't count Ed out. I got a key. I'll never count Ed out. Don't implicate yourself, Eddie. He definitely has a key. Okay, Lupe, so what happened? You walked into this guy's business.

I can't count Lupe out, by the way. No, Lupe might have done it. You ought to clean it up. Are you going to talk to him? I probably should have cut out the crime scene. Good point, Chris. The crime scene cleaner-upper guy, probably. One of the things I remember from this job

is I'll never look at a George Foreman grill the same ever again. Why is that? It was bloody and smashed, so I'm sure it was used to beat him some way. There's no way. Wow, that's a cool weapon. George Foreman grill.

Hot. You can hold it with that handle. It's heavy. Todd, you can hold it with that handle. It's heavy. Yeah, you can keep it out and open. Just be like, ah! But he wasn't burned. I don't think so. They just shot him in the heart and then beat the fuck out of him with a George Foreman

I think it was stabbing. Ah, stabbing. Because there was blood everywhere. It was shit everywhere. Why is this one your favorite? I don't know. I guess it was the most gory. Yeah, it was just shit everywhere.

God damn. What is gore, though? What do you see? Just blood everywhere. Everything was broken. At some point, you did have to say, how am I going to clean up all this blood? Which is kind of a fun sentence. It's actually pretty easy. It really is. You got a solution

or something? No, you just get rid of it. Lysol. It's water, right? If a couch has blood on it, you cut it out and throw it away. That's it. Right. Oh, Lupe's one of our best. He just licks it all up.

He's like a big vampire cat. Yeah. Have you ever had to clean Dookie's shit up? Oh, everybody shits themselves when they die, right? Is that true? Everyone poops when they die, right? I mean, as if you got to shit before you die, right? Or you just come to the max and you just have...

I had one guy that died on the second floor, and he was there for so long, and he loved the heat so much, he seeped through the dining room ceiling. What do you mean? Whoa. Like his fluids. Yeah. much, he seeped through the dining room ceiling. What do you mean? His fluids. When a person dies, the body it's what's called putrefaction.

It putrefies because everything essentially turns liquid. Yeah, it's a liquification. But putrefaction is the technical term for it. Let's get another look at that pig monkey. Alright, well, I mean, really, no matter what, even if I just take a huge All right. All right. Well, I mean, really, no matter what, like, even if I just take like a huge shit right

before your bowels. Well, you know, it's not that you shit your bowels. Just relax. And whatever's whatever's in there is going to say if you just took a shit, then chances are you're probably not going to shit yourself. But if you haven't shit in a couple of days, like Ben over there, a couple of days, then interesting. It's all just going to.

Ben, you say you haven't shit. No, I've shat. A couple days. Ben, interesting. It's all just going to fall out with your spirit. No, I've shat. I just haven't shat at the house. And I certainly haven't shat on the tub. Interesting. Why would one of your roommates do it? This is a really interesting story.

Especially your roommate recently hurt his knee. He hurt his knee. He wouldn't be able to squat on the side of the tub. Unless he was sitting on the tub and took a shit. I'm telling you Holden. You can sit on the side, right? We have somebody. It's a vendetta. I think this is a someone's laughing. Someone's laughing right now.

Well, I mean, I do. It's Jermaine! It's Jermaine! I've been sitting in your fucking tub! Jermaine! You did It's Jermaine It's Jermaine It's Jermaine It's Jermaine I've been sitting In your fucking town Jermaine You did it Jermaine I got a key

I mean it's very possible There was an intruder Every time I leave The apartment I leave it Unlocked for Unlocked for good luck Don't say that

Which is just something I like to do You know This is the same apartment You go lock Unlock Lock Unlock And the rest of your day will be very good. Yes. Sweet Jesus.

I'm calling an intruder. I think it was like a friend of a roommate. I think that someone was playing a joke. We all got the same friends. Well, yeah, a lot of dirty, shitty friends. You know, a lot of people who might like enjoy a laugh. And apparently I've been mean to people lately, so it's very possible.

Is there anybody that both of you have pissed off? No, I haven't pissed off anybody lately. You know, it's fascinating. I feel like Ben's been on a bit of a tear lately with the ladies. There is no way! He doesn't have a lady bent head.

In fact, he's got a lady coming to the place tonight. Jilted lover. Jilted lover. I think you should accuse her. What's that? You should accuse her. She's never been over before. You should still accuse her.

I need a list of names of all of the women you've had sex with in the past six months. Oh, my. It's a scroll. No, I'm just kidding. It's an evil amount of women. And we need to get the number. We need to get the names. It's a villainous number.

It's the amount of women a madman would have sex with. A sexual tear. I feel like some are jilted, some are upset. This could have been months old vendetta against Ben. That's right. And who has better access to a key to make a copy of it than a lady asleep next to a nightstand?

She wakes up, she sees the key. Runs down to Ace Hardware, blocking a half to the left. Yep. No, I don't. I don't know, man. Now I'm thinking holding shit. I could be me. You know what?

I'm never going to say, because you never know. It could be like some multiple personality thing, maybe like a fight club thing, like I black out and I take drugs. It could be a sleepwalking situation. I accused Ben of sleep shitting earlier because he has been known to sleep eat. I sleep eat. But that is a very small gap between sleep eating and sleep shitting. It's completely opposite.

It's exactly what it sounds like, Jermaine. What's been happening with you? I sleep eat. He gets very drunk. He goes to bed. He wakes up. Or even sober, I sleep eat. Yeah, even sober.

He goes to the fridge and he eats roommate's food. No, I haven't eaten the roommate's food lately. You don't remember? No, I mean, I remember in the morning when I see the evidence. That's why I remember pooping in the tub. If I would have seen it, I would have cleaned it up. Yeah, well, maybe he did not see it. Yeah. I mean, really, if he would have

sleep shat, I would think that he probably would forget to wipe his ass. What was the consistency of the shit? Was it liquidy? From what I've gained and we can have Lexi on the podcast if we want. We have to. From what? Because I got in as many details as I could, but she was eating and it was making her sick

to talk about it. Okay, okay. Well, you'll get more details. Yeah, yeah. I'll get more details later, but it happened at approximately 4 p.m. The foot stepping incident. Correct? So it either happened in the morning or the night before late. And it was a puddle.

It was like, I think it was like a pile of gooey shit. Okay. Jesus! But you have to realize, like, water is hitting it. She already turned the shower on. She stepped into the shower. A little bit. But we do have the evidence because even the shit that I

cleaned up was on the inner side of the tub. Therefore, there was a drip down. And it's the drip down, I think, that lets us know that it was a squatter, not a showerer. I'm very upset. Now, obviously,, that lets us know that it was a squatter, not a shower. I'm very upset.

Now, obviously, Lexi didn't know what she was doing when she was cleaning this up. Because, you know, what would you have done, Lupe, that Lexi should know for next time? How would you clean up this shit? And I do know how she cleaned it up. Fucking cleaned it. Okay, I have a question for you, sir. Okay. 4 p.m., correct?

4 p.m. And she walked in and she immediately smelled shit. I had not showered all day that day. I did, however, take a shit. In the toilet, friend. Did you flush? Of course. That was the thing.

But you didn't notice the shit smell before you started shitting? No. Huh. Interesting. Is there a hole in your skin? I mean, it's like, could I have stood up? Because I do stand up to wipe. Could I have stood up?

Could my pants have still been down and in that area? I don't know. How would my pants? My ass wouldn't be over there. I've never heard of someone losing a poop. Yeah. You never lose a poop. I've never heard of it.

Especially dead sober. And it's not like I was having horrible issues. Yeah. You never lose a poop. I've never heard of it, especially dead sober and it's not like I was having like horrible issues. Yeah, I don't know. I thought maybe it came up out of the drain like we were having

a plumbing problem. Yeah, now. Could it be? Could it be? I only doubt it. It dripped down the side. I only doubt it. It wouldn't go that far up.

Yeah, it wouldn't go that far up unless it was a fucking creeper. This is very much. You have a theory. I can tell in your eyes. I don't know, man. I'm kind of thinking, you know, you're a big guy.

Yeah. And you're like, one day you're like, I'm sick of shitting in these small toilets. And maybe one day you just got sick of it while you were asleep eating. No. And you just had a coma. And you... I pooped sober. The thing is, I don't think it was Kissel because the person sounded like they sat on the side.

They sat. I would never poop in the shower. And I will say this. There is an old man rail on the side of the tub, so it would be very easy for someone to grip onto that rail. So it's by the toilet then. It's on the little. It's not the easy part. It would have had to try to do this.

The rail is by the toilet. The shit was more closer to like where the drain is in the tub. Is it possible that there was a person taking a poop on the toilet, and then someone was like, I'm going to go to the bathroom too, and they double pooped? Lexi and I always love to dream and speak of doing that together, but we never have done that before. Why would you dream of doing this? Because we want to do everything together.

Yeah, you're right. And we've already mixed up our commie comms. What do you think? And that's not enough. I know couples that the girl will shit while the guy pees in between her legs. I've always wanted to try it. I have no idea. That is gross.

Why? You've always wanted to try it, Jermaine? I joked about it. As a joke, like when my girlfriend's peeing, I would like pee between her leg while I'm standing. Hot stuff. No girl needs more sits on her pussy. No, no, no. Like she's sitting on the toilet while he pees in between.

Oh, I thought you were saying he was taking a shit and she sat on his lap and pissed between his legs. No, no, no. She was shitting and he aimed between her legs. Okay. No, your aim isn't that fucking good. But like multiple couples that I knew in college were like, yeah, we've done that. I was just like, what? I'm super pee shy as well, so I would just clam up.

One couple, they were a very, very successful couple, but they both had food poisoning together. So as one was shitting, one was vomiting between the legs. Very similar situation. Slightly more disturbing. That's true love. I have vomited into a toilet while my neighbor was pissing in the same toilet. Oh, wow. Because it was a shot.

I was having a shot competition. This was college, right? Oh, yeah. So you're fine. A man? It doesn't count. Yeah, yeah. He was pissing, and he was like, no, no, no, no, no.

And I ran in because I had to Ralph. So I ran in and just threw up while he was pissing. And you puked on his piss. We were laughing. It was college. Puked on his cock? Always talk like Dino. No, I didn't get it. He stood back. Heed on his piss. We were laughing. It was college. Puked on his cock? Always talk like Dino. No, I didn't get it. He stood back. He had good

aim. He had a big, it was Lewis. He had a big horse cock. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Jamaican Lewis. Speaking of college, I got a Tallahassee story. Hey! A man was stabbed five times by another man he was having sex with in

a cemetery. Wow. The victim said it was during sexual activity that Devontae Johnson mentioned the victim's ex-boyfriend and then started stabbing him. Court records show that Johnson told the victim, quote, no one would have to worry about him anymore. Wow. Mentally challenged fellow, was he? No, I don't think he was mentally challenged. He was just stabbing him with his dick. No, I mean, here, that's a picture of the guy right there. Not mentally challenged, that he no I don't think he was mentally challenged he was just

stabbing him with his dick here that's a picture of the guy right there that's what taught it isn't that where

we filmed that one thing I was about to say I wonder if it's where what I was jerking off in a priest costume

over a grave I think that's the same early murder fist films yeah we also did a parody of Night of

the Living Dead we brought a coffin to a cemetery and I was in a priest uniform and I jerked off over it Murder Fist films. Yeah, we also did a parody of Night of the Living Dead. We brought a coffin to a cemetery. We brought a coffin to a cemetery, and I was in a priest uniform, and I jerked off over it. For a funny sketch.

That does look funny. For a really funny sketch. Do you remember the name of the grave that you were... Oh, no, I can't remember. I mean, it was a real in-and-out situation. I was reading straight out of the Bible, dressed as a priest. Where's it located?

So I'm trying to find... Oh, wait, you were in the priest costume. I was just in a suit. Yeah, you were just in a suit. You were getting sucked off by a prostitute next to a grave, right? Was that me? Tim was the prostitute. Tim was the prostitute.

I wanted to ask him, do you ever piss bottle in your room? Just for personal interest. I do not. It's not a bottle. It's a gallon jug. Sometimes he doesn't leave for a very long period of time from his room. I have to assume there's some urination

happening. I used to have a piss bottle in my room. Really? Doesn't it make your whole room smell like piss? You put the cap on. Never made that choice in my life. And then it ferments and you get a fine human wine. The bathroom used to be a long ways away and I'd have a roommate in there.

He'd always want to talk every time I fucking came out. God, that must have been some bad conversation. You're pissing in a bottle in your own room instead of talking to him. Well, I mean, there's some days when I don't want to talk. Hey, Marcus, I was looking up ladders this morning. There's a long ladder. They go up and then they go down.

They go up and down, but you can fold it out. You can fold it up. Marcus, where are you going? I'll just talk to you from outside. Hey, ladders. I've been looking up online. You can get them for $7.99. And then there's a ladder for $7.99.

And then there's a ladder for $12.99, Marcus. Great guy. Wonderful person. Just sometimes you don't want to talk for a very long time. You just want to fucking hang out in your room and just stare at shit. I hear you. Yeah. On those days, you piss in bottles.

I saw Kevin's pee in a bottle once. Yeah, how was that? Well... Did you vomit in that same bottle? No. Okay, this is what happened. So there was a girl he was hooking up with and whatever, and he texted me, Yeah, man, you know, I had to...

I was hooking up with her, but I couldn't leave her room because her roommate was this old guy, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, he had to pee in the bottle. What? He pissed in front of her? Huh? He pissed in front of her, then. I think you're trying to say her roommate was her dad, right?

Well, he was trying to say his weird old dude. I don't want to get too many details away because the girl might be listening. Yeah, I think that that's what he means. It wasn't that it was an old roommate. It was an old guy she lived with. Kevin was having sex With a guy And he pissed in front of

Pissed in a bottle In front of him No girl He was making love To a lady And the old man And the old man Drank the piss

No the old guy Never saw her He couldn't leave the room So he sucked his cock So Barnett was Fucking the old guy So Kevin was having sex With an old guy

Who was pissing in front of No the girl was pissing In the bottle While she was watching Kevin suck the old man's cock. That's what happened. God damn it. Now he's going to destroy me. Well, thanks for telling

us that true story. Thank you. That's a great story. It confirms a lot of things we've thought about. What happened, Jermaine? Fuck it. Okay. The girl had a dick. The girl was a guy. The girl was a guy. The girl was like Scooby-Doo Mysteries.

She was a pre-op. Pre-op, that's right. So it's just like, you know, paying it forward. Yeah. So Kevin pissed in this bottle and then what happened? I think like a couple weeks passed or whatever and

Tell me he did not go back there. That person was still in that bottle. No, I knew the girl. She's a friend of both of ours. Computer science major. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very, very good at computers and software and whatnot. And we were hanging out.

Are you trying to say she's Asian? No, he wishes. That's the dream for him. I don't think he's ever got one. He loves Asian women's thighs. He's never got one. He likes the skin. Really? Yeah, he likes the skin. It's a dream for him. I don't think he's ever got one. He loves Asian women's thighs. He's never got one. He likes the skin. Really?

Yeah, he likes the skin. It's a Chun-Li thing. Is that like pig versus monkey? I'm a leg man, and now we see girls. I don't see the front of them. I see the behind. I'm like, damn, she's got some fucking sexy-ass legs and those heels. And I'm like, ah, it's Asian.

Every time. They have the best legs, man. Best thighs, Asian ladies. Yeah. They look great. Attractive people. So what happens? And they know how to dress like a fucking... I'm not going to say slut. I'm not into either. Best-sized Asian ladies. Yeah. They look great. Attractive people. So what happens? And they know how to dress like a fucking...

I'm not going to say slut, because I'm not going to... Shame. No. Like a sex ass. Like a slut. They know how to dress like a fucking... Jackie can. Bag of easies.

Yeah, yeah. I'm a fucking slut. And so a couple weeks go by. Oh, yeah. And we were hanging out at her apartment or whatever, right? Her roommate wasn't there or whatever, so she just had friends over or whatever. So I was hanging out, and I was in the restroom. And she was like, yo, come back, come back to the room or whatever.

And we were hanging out in her room, and she had a bunch of pictures on the wall. It was great hanging out. And then I looked down on the floor, and it was a Fiji bottle with clear yellow urine. No way. There. Still there? I don't know if it was Kevin, so I just thought, get him somewhere to sleep. How many guys are pissing in her room in the Fiji bottle?

I bet she drinks it every night. For youth. It must be some old man. Every dude who stays ever is like, I can't see the old man. I got to piss. What did I get to do? What does the old man do when people come out, Holden? I don't know.

What does he do? What does he do? Does he take out his chompers? He's like, no, me next. I don't know. He just listens for other people. Yeah. That was creepily.

Hey, I was looking up brooms this morning. You know, you got a handle on a broom and then you got straw at the bottom of the broom. The whole middle is just more handle. More wood. Funny thing about wood, you can shape it in a fucking broom. I heard a third breathing pattern last night in your room.

It wasn't yours. Just making sure it was. How did you react when you saw the Fiji bottle full of urine? I was quiet for a long time. And I texted Kevin. I was like, remember you told me you peed in the bottle? Yeah, man. We were just going, all right, cool.

What kind of bottle was it? He goes, I don't know. I don't remember. And then I was like, it wouldn't happen to be a Fiji bottle, would it? And he's like, it might have been. I'm like, dude, I'm in a hospital. Your pee is still here He goes, what?

He's texting me He goes, oh man, no He just creeped out Kevin gets creeped out easily by women He just went, oh no, man No, no, no I was like, she's been keeping your pee in the room For weeks

I don't know why I have no idea why Who knows? I think the biggest line we can take from that Is Kevin gets creeped out easily by women Yeah, I think he's learned a lot. I need your peel. That's much of Megan Axe.

I need your peel, boy. You can't keep a piss bottle in a room for too long because eventually the ammonia starts seeping out. And it can expand and eventually the top pop off. Jeez! Yeah, you don't want to fuck around with ammonia. That's what I'm looking for. Mr. Wizard. If Rob Zombie directed Mr. Wizard.

Maybe she's making Jankum. Can you tell me Mr. Wizard from now on? What was that, Lupe? I said maybe she's making Jankum. All right, Marcus, What's wrong with you? What is happening? Are you throwing up? Oh, my God.

Is that the dog? I sent Marcus a picture of the dog. It's fucking gigantic. I am posting this on the round table page. I'm laughing right now. I'm laughing because it's so big. It's huge. The blood dude wrapped it up.

Oh, my God. Wow. Definitely an Italian wrap job. Yes, go to the round table of gentlemen Facebook page to see a picture of this dog. Round table. He had a discussion at the end.

And he's a pit bull mastiff mix? Yes. 160 pounds. Can I see another picture of one of those, Mark? Here, hold on a sec. Pit bull mastiff mix? Unbelievable. I saw one below one of those Mark? People master masks Unbelievable I saw one below one of those models

I want to see the fucker that Was it gray, black or brown? It was brown Yikes What an episode What a day And it's time for a segment from Old McNeely Alright the round table drink How can I even match What a day. What a day. And it's time for a segment from Old McNeely. All right.

The round table drink. How can I even match? But this is what I'm going to say right now. Yeah. This is what I'm going to say. Can we do the round table? This is what I was going to say. I was going to say, sure.

Come up with a round table drink. Marcus is opening a bar. It's called the Cave in the Creek. And he's going to have a drink with a mixologist. You can give that part of it. But then after that, you say who you think fucking done it. Who done what?

Who took a shit in that tub, man? I cleaned it, man. I smelled a little bit of it. It got on my finger a little bit. Wait, but when did you take the shit that you said you didn't smell it at all? She found it at 4pm on Saturday. She found it at 4pm on Saturday. But the reason why it didn't smell

so much is because a foot wasn't up in it. So apparently it smelled kind of bad in there, but it would smell bad after I took my shit. It would smell bad. What time did you take your shit at? I want to say I left at, I woke up at noon, so I'm going to go ahead and say like 12.30pm, 12.20pm.

We're saying either between the hours of 12 30 and four but i went in there to take a shit right i mean and i mean it was a fast or there could it could have been what's the other time frame like where somebody was in there before i have no idea well i will say this i woke up my roommate was in the living room he was meeting up with his lady it didn't look like he had showered yet. I mean, there's a lot leading towards the roommate. That is not me, by the way. Not different roommates. Probably somewhere between like Friday night and Saturday afternoon.

The other roommate. It was between me taking a shit in there and her going in to take a shower. The roommate definitely, the third man of the house, definitely had some bathroom time for sure. So many suspects. So many motives, bro. There's just a... No way. And we don't know the time frame for sure. But he's also so many motives. There's just no way.

We don't know the time frame for sure. But he's also, our roommate is not a scuzzy dude. Our roommate has a very good job. Standard dude. Do you have any

scuzzy friends though? No. Where are the scuzzy friends? Where are the scuzzy friends? But does he come from scuzz?

No, he comes from wealth. Rich family. North Carolina though. A scuzz. Fuck. That comes from wealth. Rich family. North Carolina though. That ain't real money to me. That ain't real fucking money to me. That's the thing. So I mean, but he did hurt his knee. I don't know if that

comes into play, but either way, round table drink. I fucking put Tabasco and fucking take a dump in it and put a straw in it. I think Kissel did it. Alright. Jermaine?

Round table drink? Come up with a drink that you loved it. It's going to be called the round table. What's going to go in there to make it a round table? Pineapple juice. Ginger vodka. Ginger and vodka. Not like ginger vodka. Ginger maybe some lime and some Doritos. Not in it.

Oh, on the side. I like that. Summer drink, I don't know. That's nice. Cucumbers too? Now who do you think shit in the tongue? Jackie. Jackie, did she do it? Jackie, do you have a key the tub? Jackie. Ooh!

Jackie, did she do it? Jackie, do you have a key? No, I don't have a key. You used to have a key. As Holden said earlier, the door is unlocked very often. Who has keys? Ed Larson? Ed Larson has keys. Jackie at one point had a key, which means she could still have had one.

I do not have a key. I was also at work from 6.30 in the morning until 3.30. The funny thing about where you work is it's real fucking close to my apartment. Fucking exactly. And as we know, the bathroom of the place that you work has been filmed by a person who enjoys watching ladies take videos. So you don't poop there perhaps. Oh no, I shit. If they're going to watch me fucking shit,

they can have that. You want to see it? Take it, man. Fucking I wish. It's like, yeah, you love it. You love my fucking butt. You love that shit. She just says that every time she shits in case someone's filming her. Just in case. You like that shit.

And we all know Jackie has a vendetta of several kinds against myself and Kissel. Not on me. Jackie and I have always been very close. She's got my tub, Ben. It's our tub. You will. All right.

Now it is. Now I'm just pooping it. I want to visit again. I want to just see if, you know. Visit again. As if you've been there before. He has been there before. Well.

I'm not a suspect, bro. You are. No. Why not? Why wouldn't you be? You know where I live. You've been to my place. I've only done makeup in your room.

I've never ever to do a sketch with Kevin there. I've never pooped there. I was afraid to poop there because there were so many people in your apartment. It's pretty gross. And so when I walked in, I just get scared sometimes. Well, I'll tell you right now, Jackie, the bathroom is spick and span at this point. I sterilized it. It looks beautiful.

I'm looking forward to it. It looks beautiful in there. To shit in your toe. Interesting. Girlfriend shit in your toe. It's possible. You could accuse her. You could accuse Jackie.

She's the only motive is her. What about Doug's brother? Well. See, now, that's the trashiest dude we know. Trashiest guy we know. Who? Who? Doug's brother.

Yeah. Justin, who was the former bassman in the Cowmen. So he has a vendetta. No. I mean, he doesn't really care about anything. He didn't really care enough to quit, to leave the band, but he also wouldn't really care to take a shit. Also, he's trashy enough that he would take a picture

like a selfie. Yeah, of him and his face like next to the shit. Yeah, yeah. He's that trashy. We'll need to scour the Instagram. I shit in your tub, y'all. I shit in your tub. Look at my shit. Hashtag.

Kissel. Kissel. So for the drink, I don't know. Whatever you want. Hashtag no motives. Maybe forsel. So for the drink, I don't know. Whatever you want. Hashtag no motives. Maybe for what? So like a liquor drink? Yeah. Does it have to be liquor related?

It can be whatever you want it to be, man. I would say maybe... Maybe it's a Cate and a Pabst. I would say bamboo ass sweat. Mix it with a little bit of tequila infused with avocado. And yeah, it's not a good drink. It's the round table drink. And it's a challenge.

And you have to be able to do five shots in 14 seconds. And you have to compete with you. And you have to compete with yourself. And your self-dignity. And your self-dignity. So it's five bamboo sweat tequila infused avocado shots. Five in 14 minutes. And then after

that, I will hire you a woman. Oh! Oh my gosh. That sounds intense as fuck. How much does the drink cost? The drink? Yeah. It costs the exact amount as a woman.

So technically it's a free drink. Yeah, yeah. It's a free drink. Yeah, you get the free drink. You're a pimp. Yeah. I'm a bartender. All right, now.

This sounds like a Mexican cartel initiation. All right, now, Kissel, who shat in the tub? Really? This is very interesting interesting I don't Admit it man I want somebody to admit it this episode I wish I thought he was going to do it too

I would truly admit it I think that maybe it was Ben has a history of admitting it He admitted that he shit on Dave's couch There's only one person that is no longer in New York City right now. There's one person who left town. Leah? He's a co-host of mine on a show called The Last Podcast on the left.

Henry Zebrowski. Where is Henry? Where is he? Did he really leave? Is he filming a TV show? Or is he running away from his past? I wanted to bring up Henry earlier, so I'm glad you brought him up just now. We have not seen him.

We do not know. Clearly a suspect. And he has the money to fly in and take a fucking deep dive. Definitely has the motive. Yeah. He's just giggling under your bed right now. He's still in town. He could be here.

Oh, but then again, Kevin does have a history of urinating and doing number ones and number twos. I mean, look who's talking though. We've heard how many stories. Shitting on the couch. Shitting on a car. Shitting on a sign. I never shit on the couch. That was a myth story.

No. You shit on Dave's couch. I did not shit on Dave's couch. I mean, it kind of fell out. It leaked. A little bit leaked. Well, interesting how this particular shit looks quite a bit like a leak. No, we're not talking about it. It looks like a leak. No. No.

That was a myth. All right. That was a myth. The whole story was a joke. Jury's out. Jury's out. The Facebook fanatics. Well, every myth has a seedling of truth in it, does it not, Ben?

No. What do you think, Lupe? Round table drink, who shit in the tub? Vanilla vodka. Very good. Jack Daniel's fruit punch. Jankum. And a drop of semen.

All right. Actually, that's pretty good. It's poetic. And who's shitting that tub? I think Holden did it. Inside job. I'm not saying I'm not a suspect. Your body leaks random stuff.

I have badass days. I'm not going to say I don't. Your body leaks random stuff. I have badass days. I'm not going to say I don't have badass days. Especially over the summer. Blackout drunk. You know what I'm going to do? Shit this up. I'm going to blame everybody else. And I will say this.

The lease is officially in my name in two days. Could be the landlord. Ooh. It could have been. I'm trying to get you out of there Our super Tony He wants to raise the rent a thousand dollars If there's another shit, it's the landlord

Yeah, and if he gets rid of us Then he can raise it like crazy Fuck it Or more so, Tony lives a couple doors down It's not Tony, his mother died in there And he would never disgrace it like that I agree with that, Eddie But Tony does have a dog It's not Tony. His mother died in there and he would never disgrace it like that. I agree with that, Eddie.

But Tony does have a dog. I don't think it was a dog shit. I think there's a clear distinction. And if anyone knows dogs, my girlfriend knows dogs. If it was a dog shit, she would know right off the bat. It's very distinct. She fucking lives with dogs. She shit like a dog.

I was also at another person's house on Friday. I mean, that's funny. One of your vengeful lovers, perhaps? No. This girl barely knows him. It's a friend. No, this is a true friend. But you know what you can do?

You know what you can do if you wake up in the morning and you're like, this man's never gonna... If she was fucking... Dang, man, never gonna if she was fucking bedding me never gonna fuck me again and then she grabs the wallet right

cause it's right by the bed stand or it's in his pants which is by the floor these guys fucking dirty cock out still from the night before I will say I lost my driver's license really that's a irresponsible thing to do

I say dig through the poop This is the problem I wish I had saved the poop I wish I had brought it here We could have looked through it If there were almonds in it I would implicate myself Chris what are we doing?

Drink and whodunit I'm doing a full 16 ounce PBR A full Red Bull Two shots of fireball whiskey and a shot of piss in a 32 ounce. That's great. Wow. All mixed together? Yeah.

With styrofoam on the go. Hell yeah. Yeah. Styrofoam on the go. You should got to be able to walk out of there. That's definitely like the best. Shot of piss makes it a little bit gross. No, no, no.

The bar. The bar. The bar with it. And I think it like the best. Shotguns makes it a little bit gross. No, no, no. The bar, the bar. The bar with it. And I think it was the landlord. I think it was the landlord. Okay. Do you think he would do that? Or do they have... I don't think anyone would do it, but somebody did.

Does the super or landlord live on the premise? And do they have family? The super lives on the premise. Does he have any family? The landlord does. Family's dead. Used to live in the apartment. But I mean family like does he have like a wife and kids

or anything? Super has a wife and he's got family. He's got one lung. If you leave the door unlocked is there any chance some like child ran in and was like I'm gonna shit my toe. You know honestly it could easily be one of the like. Should we kill a kid? Bad kids in the building.

There kind of are bad kids in the building I mean sort of we don't have a lot of stuff to steal they have that much respect to fucking leave your shit alone right

that's the thing like nobody stole anything it's the first apartment if you're gonna run in and vandalize an apartment it's the first one you see leave out of me

maybe some dude like maybe it's a straighter was like I'm gonna shit my pants right now and then just like I don't know do it in the tub.

I mean, we're talking inches away here. But the landlord's definitely not ruled out. Jackie? All right. Triple shot of whiskey, whole milk, raw egg, and squirty bird tears. That's your cum. Yeah. And then the straw will be made out of beef jerky with a side of sour cream.

I'm fucking hungry, man. That actually sounds very good. Eddie, one to beat. Eddie, one to beat. You know who I think shit? Who? I think it was Mike's brother, Ben Epps. Whoa.

He's a longtime friend of a one Holden McNeely, so he definitely hates Holden. Bit of a prankster. He lives, a bit of a prankster. He lives two blocks away. What if he had somebody in his bathroom, goes over there, Mike's in the house, lets him in. Mike's probably getting McKee. Mike's taking a piss, maybe. You know?

Brothers who piss together shit together. They shit together. I claim that it is one Mr. Ben that lives two blocks away. Different Ben. Same Ben. Interesting. Does Mike know about it yet? No. No, Mike does not know about it.

I think I'm just going to have him listen to this episode. Yeah, okay. And then he's going to be like, oh, I did it. He's starting to listen to the round tables now. Don't even say anything. I think I might just going to have him listen to this episode. Yeah, okay. And then he's going to be like, oh, I did it. He's starting to listen to the roundtables now. Don't even say anything. I think I might not. Yeah. All right. Eddie Larson.

All right. So what do we drink here? We drink beer. We drink Tecate. We drink Pabst. I get stoned. So let's do a Pabst mixed with a Tecate and with a straw in a lid. And I'm going to take a bong rip and blow it in with a straw and make bubbles.

That's the Eddie special. All right, Eddie. More and more creative. That's Eddie special, but is that the round table? It is not. It is how I prepare. Eddie, who do you think shat in the tub? Who do you think shat in the tub? Who do I think shat in the tub?

I feel like this is a real mystery. I feel violated. Yeah, it is definitely a mystery. I'm upset. And by the way, we never talked about this before. No, I purposely made it a point to bring it up. And you implicated me to begin with. I literally have not been...

You're a great first suspect. You're a great first suspect. I named him first. I named him on my go. I literally have not been home to do it. Relax. Don't be all fucking defensive. I'm trying to be on your side.

Eddie? I think that the person or animal that it was a human that shit in the tub is

a you have any retards in your building? No No Just check it It's a good question It's a good question

Retards in the building It's a good question Just check it a good question. It's a good question. I'm just checking. What is wrong with you? I'm just checking. Ben, careful. Don't. Leave it alone, Jermaine. You tired of me?

Good lord. I'm going landlord. He wants you guys out. He wants to jack up the rent. Landlord. Two for landlord. What? Fascinating.

Or complete stranger. Complete stranger? And you know what? That's the one that I'm going with. I'm going with. I'm going with Complete Stranger. So Ed wins the whodunit. So somebody came into our apartment.

I think it's a Complete Stranger. Possibly a Chinese food delivery. Was it a log? I think it was more of a pile, but we're going to have to- But it was a full- The problem is, too, that we're never going to fully know what the shit looked like before a foot was in it. So at the end of the day, she had her foot all up in that

fucking deal. All the way to the fifth floor. Can't make it up the stairs. I've met her. She's coming in. She's got a shit. She knows she's not making it up those stairs. And so what does she do?

She reaches for your doorknob. Oh, my God. It's open. She sees the elderly rail by the top, the one that you have to hold. Hey, it's like a welcome sign. Why doesn't she shit in the toilet? Because she got nervous. Made a bad decision.

Oh, bitch, on the fifth floor. I'd help her out like twice a week. I'd carry her groceries up the stairs for her. I swear. She didn't do it

out of maliciousness. She did it because it was falling on her ass because her fucking muscles were in there. There was somebody in your apartment building at the least.

Ed or Ben, have you noticed that someone pinned in or keyed in fuck you on our front desk? Yeah, because of the loud parties. Is that why we haven't been doing a lot of loud parties pinned in or keyed in fuck you on our front door? Yeah, because of the loud parties. Is that why we haven't been doing a lot of loud parties lately? Someone keyed in fuck you.

It was an old bitch. But if you break into somebody's house just to take a shit, the toilet is not where you do it. You do it on the bed. Yeah. Somewhere bad. Exactly. That's pretty personal. You should have saved.

We could have done DNA samples. That's the thing, man. I mean, you know, at some point, if you're a delicate woman and you need to go hit the city. Corey Griffin could have done it. Yeah.

Yeah. That's true. All right. Well, Jackie won. Yay! All right. Well, the mystery continues. Hopefully we'll have some more news

for you next week. But if anybody wants to chime in on the Facebook page and let us know. And Ben didn't do it. I literally could not have done it. I mean, everyone is a suspect. I was with Ben all last night. I will confirm his alibi. But it was Friday.

Work on Saturday and on Friday. Or Saturday morning. Saturday morning as well. Were you in the apartment at any time on Saturday? I left for work from another person's house. A jealous, angry person. He knew you weren't going to be home. It's not necessarily a woman.

He's in his tub. I know he's at work. You slept in the storage closet last night? At the creek? Which confirms the fact that I am not the mystery bathtub pooper. You could have just slept in here. I was sleeping in here. Yeah, it was a drunken night.

All right, that's Jackie, Eddie, Holden. Find us on Twitter. Add us all. Lupe Rodriguez, very famous on the last podcast on the left page and the roundtable page. So say hello to people Lupe what up alright

and Chris Donahue Chris anything you want to plug lately coming up soon I have a show at Pete's Candy Store on Saturday August 2nd at 7pm

Amber Nelson's one of the people on there that's great Sean Donnelly and Mikey Heller and then I have my own podcast What's That Racket and yeah you can just find me on

everything fuck yeah man I appreciate you having us on that cancer benefit last week. It was great. Oh, great show. Cameo. My roommates are loving you, Ben. Thank you. There's Ben Kissel impressions going on in my house.

Are you shitting me? I will say it! I will say it! Yeah! Yes! Fuck Ben! Fuck you, Ben. You shit thing. Man, fuck yeah.

That felt so good. Fuck that shithole, Ben. Hell yeah. Listen to the brighter side. It's the best show on the network. I'm not going to say it. Get out of here, Ben. Go shit.