The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 207: Lick It in the Bowl, Eat It in the Dish

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

Today on the Round Table: efforts to rescue a Canadian cat with a bird feeder stuck on its head are being thwarted by a vindictive local man, a man dies after crashing his car into a bee house, and the saga of the Phantom Pooper continues. Joining us today: prime suspects Doug Austin, Kellen Maloney, roommate Mike and superfan Corey!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay out, gentlemen! And let them go watch what? Pirate Whale! Yes!

It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table. What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. No, no, no. Oh, no, no. I'll do it every week from here on out.

He loves it when you do it. Are we recording? Yeah. Alright, well, special guest, big round table and Cave Comedy Radio fan, Corey Griffin is going to lead us off with a prayer. He's here. He's real. Dear, dear, sweet brown baby

Jesus, I'd like to thank you for giving me this opportunity to come here today, giving Dear, dear, sweet brown baby Jesus. I'd like to thank you for giving me this opportunity to come here today, giving me the job that allowed me to donate to Murder Fist and come here. I know that I've got lots of buddies who enjoy the shows. I just want to say Christina loves Sex and Other Human Activities. My buddy Justin back home. I'm very thankful to have them as friends. And

now I might get a little bit emotional here. But I just want to say I will not rest until this mystery is solved. What mystery is that, Corey? Or until I go home tomorrow. I mean, you know.

What mystery are you talking about? The pooper. The mystery pooper. The caper continues. He has to say amen or else black baby Jesus didn't listen. He said brown baby Jesus. Brown. I'm sorry.

Anyone not Polish, it's not Polish Jesus. It could even be Asian. There's no Asian Jesus. Oh, come on. They can't be fucking Jesus. Yeah, they can. Of course they can.

That's insane to say, man. How can an Asian be Jesus? Leave him alone. I don't know. Jesus isn't Jesus. It's a make-believe character. Are you saying God's Asian? That's what you're saying.

I think that's what I'm saying. It sounds like a good s*** lover. Jesus Christ, Eddie. Marcus, bleep that out. You got it. Good lord. Always in the first five minutes. Unbelievable. S*** lover's a great name, though. Again, you're just creating more

work for him. Just like Hitler. The Hitler thing. You can call him s*** when you're referring to it as like the 40s. They were s*** back then. After that, after we dropped the bomb, Japanese. Alright, so we got four bleeps. Yeah, we call them s***. Yeah, we call them f***ing s***.

They'll make it six. Make it six, please. S*** is fine. S*** isn't drug s***. S*** is fine. Oh, boy. I met a chape. He's good at math.

It's like Japanese. Yeah, s*** is like saying s***, but more fun. Alright, well, a bunch it, Jake. He's good at math. It's like Jeff and Eddie. Yeah, it's like saying, but more fun. All right, well, a bunch of bleeps. And Kevin, how does it feel to be surrounded by people hurting our careers? That's great. It's fine. I got this shirt. Yeah, you look good.

It's the best shirt ever. All right, well, either way, I don't think Corey said amen. I was going to say, hold an eight or so, amen. Oh, yeah. You fuck. Get out. You'll hear it from me momentarily once we get to my introduction. Say Holdenator, so amen. Oh, yeah. Get out. You'll hear it from me momentarily once we get to my introduction.

Of course he's a Holdenator. Good God. You guys are both lumpy potato salads covered in skin. Well, they can't say Beninator. It's too much for the tongue. Beninator is just fine. Anyway, it doesn't matter. It's Bensterbait.

To Bensterbait is to masturbate alone looking at a picture of me. That's to Bensterbait. Welcome to the roundtable of gentlemen, everybody. The table really hasn't changed for the most part. It's been the same for about three years, going on four here. But who is everyone? It's over four years. Over four years, going on five.

I don't know. Sounds like you're depressed about it. No, I'm not depressed about it. I'm sitting on a pile of cash. Do you still have a chair? Because I'm sitting on a gold mine over here. We got new chairs in the studio. We did get new chairs and they're really comfortable. My name is Jackie Zubrowski.

And I think that Jacksterbait sounds a lot better than Bensterbait. Yeah, Jacksterbait. I like that. Jacksterbait. I feel like when you Bensterbait. It's checking off, Ooh. I like that. Jacksterbait. I feel like when you Bensterbait. It's jacking off, though. No, no. Jacksterbait is the proper term.

It's like when a lady jacksterbait while she looks at my picture. But when you Bensterbait, you get to look at my picture or jack off and then go steal your roommate's pizza. Nobody wants to do that. And maybe shit in the tub a little bit? No!

I feel like Bensterbaiting is like punching the head of your dick until it bruises and then masturbating your bruised cock. That's what binsturbate sounds like to me. Well, it's not Wikipedia. We all can't just add our own ideas in. Hi, I'm Ed. What's going on? Hey, Ed.

Very nice. Holdenators, ho! No! Oh, he's got nothing today. I don't. I'm fucking blizzy blizzies, man, off of some hash wax. Hanging out at Cena's place. Good. Go ahead and let everyone

know where you get that from. Bird Luke. He's got a taco shirt on. He's got a taco shirt on. He's got a shirt with mad tacos's got a taco shirt on He's got a shirt With mad tacos on How much was that shirt? Oh That's the thing about the shirt

It was unreasonably expensive But I saw it It is just a blue shirt With tacos on it And I was just like I have to have There's no way That I could leave this store

Without buying this shirt Oh it was $50 For the t-shirt That's like a dollar a taco Yeah Exactly And you could get More tacos You could get 50 tacos with tacos. Oh, it was $50 for the t-shirt. That's like a dollar a taco. Yeah. Exactly. And you could get more tacos.

You could get 50 tacos. The problem with this is... Yeah, but you can't wear tacos. Yeah, the whole problem with this situation is upon purchase, I was totally sober. I couldn't leave the store

without it. Well, that's what they always say. Don't shop for t-shirts hungry. Because you end up with a taco shirt. What happened there, man? What's that? That was a funny joke. I don't care if you guys are like, that's a funny joke.

It is. It's my definition. That's a classic piece of humor. All right. Kellen Maloney, you're here. What's up, babies? You're a suspect in Poopgate as well, by the way. Absolutely. He lives across the street. He was in the neighborhood.

And a little too fucking investigated in the case, if I may say so myself. And who else investigated themselves? Oftentimes, people who perpetrated the case will help the detectives try to find the real criminal. That's right. I believe O.J. Simpson is still searching for the murderer of Nicole Brown still. It's a juicy tale. It is, well, juicy. Juicy and tale.

Poop. Juicy, yeah, butt juicy tale. Poop a traitor. And of course, Kellen, as we all know, might have a bit of a looser caboose than most, but we'll get into it later. Doug Austin, you're also here. Yes, I'm here. And you're a member

of the group Cowmen. That's right. With Marcus, who you get along with great. We're fine. But then Holden bums you out sometimes. Yeah. And then I live with Holden. Doesn't he upset you sometimes? No, we're good. We share a tub. Isn't that fascinating that he becomes enraged sometimes at my cawing and crowing about music? He does.

He is loud. Very does. He's loud. Very loud. I'm suspect. If you did shit in our tub and then Holden's girlfriend did happen to step in it, I would give you money if you admit it now. I did it. I did it. I did it.

What's the reward? You get money all around then. I said a quarter. Case closed. Doesn't matter. What's the reward? Five. That's a then. I said a quarter. Case closed. Doesn't matter. What's the reward? If that's the case, then I'll double it. All right.

Well, all right. The man who just spoke, that's Mike Epps. That's mystery roommate number three. Hi, guys. How you doing? Thanks for being here. And of course- Mike's implicated, his girlfriend's implicated, and his brother's implicated.

I'm actually here to defend the honor of me, my brother, and my girlfriend, who Ed so nicely pointed out, who's been to our apartment one time for a matter of ten minutes holding. Where was she on Saturday? Actually, she was packing to go to London for seven or eight weeks. Oh, interesting. Getting out of town. What a getaway plan.

I like fucking leaving after I do something silly. Well, either way, we don't have time for you to clear your name now, Mike. We've got Marcus with some news stories. Hello. British punk rockers

in the 4130s have kicked drummer Oliver Lowne out of the group after he was convicted of bestiality. The musician, who was a qualified vet,

was found guilty of five charges at the... When you say vet, veterinarian or veteran of Vietnam? Oh, no. And he was a punk rock drummer? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Real shitty band, too. I checked him out. The 4130s.

He was found guilty of five charges after filming himself engaging in sexual activities with a horse and a dog. At the same time? Separately. Separate incidences. If it was both, that's a feat. This was posted by a roundtabler, I believe, right?

Maybe. I thought I saw this posted by a roundtable. Let's just say it was me. Corey, you know this story? No. Not a drummer, huh? Well, the 4130s who hail from Ipswich, England have vowed to re-record their debut album

and their latest release, One for the Road, with a new drummer to completely distance themselves from the controversy. That's the dumbest shit I've ever heard, man. You keep the album as is. Yeah, he's a drummer. It's not even like he's fucking, he's not talking about fucking animals on the album. He's drumming. And drummers don't...

Right. I mean, the drummer's the last one to get laid. I mean, of course the drummer's having sex with the horse and the dog. If you're a veterinarian, I almost assume you're fucking at least cats. That's why you get the job, man. Or guinea pigs. Definitely guinea pigs. Amy, one of our new interns here at the Creek in the Cave, she made up a good point.

He was doing what he loved. He loved animals and he was doing them. So that makes sense. Her name is Mary. Her name is Mary. Not Amy? Whatever. Amy or Mary. She's an unpaid intern. She's in the room!

She's right there! I can't see her, but... She's right behind you! We give her free burritos. As many free burritos as she wants. That's offensive. I'm sorry. Mary. I thought it was Amy. It's Mary.

Well, you never know. You think it would sell for... We do know. We do know. You know. Mary and Amy, first of all, I only got one letter wrong, and that was the R. Mary and Amy are very similar names. That is true.

Yeah. It's sort of like a burrito, or Mexican food in general. It's just a jumbled up quesadilla and a burrito. It's the same ingredients. Someone's got to do a bit about it. It's just a jumbled up quesadilla and a burrito. It's the same ingredients. Someone's got to do a bit about it. Oh, man, I really want you to get accused for a murder just to see you on the stage trying to talk your way out of it. I'll wiggle it out.

I'll wiggle it out of that courtroom. I'll be talking for so long, and then I'll throw my voice, and I'll be in Canada by the time they figure out I left. So, Ben, we found you with the girl dead, a gun. We found you with multiple knives. You were covered in blood. I mean, what do you have to say for yourself right now? Blood spelled backward is dhulb.

Dhulb. Dhulb. Dhulb. This man is insane. He won't come away. How could I be covered in dhulb if I didn't kill the little girl? Is that how you say girl backwards? Lurg?

Lurg. Lurg. Lurg. Lurg. Oh, man. It was her called Lurg? Lurg. Lurg. Oh, man. I wish they were called Lurg. Lurg. Lurg. F.

Lurg. If they were called Lurgs, I could be like, oh, man, Saturday night I'm going to go out and drink some Lurg-y juice. All right. Anyway, so let's get back to the wholesome subject of this guy, this drummer having sex with a dog and a horse. subject of this guy, this drummer having sex with a dog and a horse. The band will

donate proceeds from copies sold to the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals and in a statement posted on the band's Facebook page the rockers add, if any good from the recent ongoings can happen we truly hope it's this. Cruelty to animals? He's just having sex.

Isn't that cruel though? That's the only thing that was going to get this album to sell. Yeah. There's a horse pucker in the band. They made a huge mistake. Yeah. Like, what type of music is it?

It's like generic shitty punk. It's punk music. Yeah. Oh, this is right. As a betray from Green Day, he used to milk the cat. Yeah.

So that's sort of on par with that. Somewhat. It's kind of punk rock to have sex with a horse. That's the spirit of punk. I don't know. I don't listen to punk. That's the sort of on par with that. Somewhat. It's kind of punk rock to have sex with a horse. That's the spirit of punk. I don't know. I don't listen to punk.

That's the spirit of punk, man. It's going against the grain, man. Going against the fucking man. Yeah. And going against the definition, almost, of going against the man is fucking horses and dogs. Because who owns horses? The man.

The man. So you fuck his horses. Go fuck his horse. Fuck his wife, too. Hell yeah. She's a horse. She's the dog. Oh, man. We got to go to Trash Bar his horse. Fuck his wife too. Hell yeah. She's a horse. She's the dog. Oh man, we gotta go to Trash Bar and watch this new band, The Fuckers.

They eat a fucking horse's pussy out on stage. There's a horse there? I'll go. The horse is the lead singer and she's hot as fuck. They staple the blonde wig to her head. Put lipstick on her fucking stout. Oh my god. These kids these days. Kellen, did you

poop in the bathtub? I did not. Alright, can I just say, can we just lay it down real quick? Let's lay it down. Okay, because they haven't heard the full shenaniganry with Mike potentially doing it and all this stuff. Let me spin the video now. Let's recap. I wake up

for anyone who didn't hear last week. This is my personal situation, but now we have a little bit more of times together after conferring with Mike. I had not spoken with Mike yet.. I wake up. For anyone who didn't hear last week. This is my personal situation, but now we have a little bit more of times together. So after conferring with Mike, I had not spoken with Mike. So I wake up at noon, right? Mike conveniently hanging out in the living room, right? Just staring at the wall. As I do. Have you ever taken the time to really stare at the wall, though?

Yeah. There's a lot of mysteries on that wall. So I go in. How did I get here? What life decisions did I make? Mistakes? Who did I fuck over

to get to this position? Sort of like the beginning of Old Boy when he just wakes up in a drunken hotel room. So I walk into the bathroom. I'll be the first to admit, I took a fucking fire dump

in that bathroom. Crazy dump. Fire dump. Shitting hard and heavy. Two pounds, right? Yeah. Whiskey shit or whatever. Sort of like a Twin Peaks.

A bad bag. It was a bad bag of fucking donkeys. And you stand up to wipe. Of course I stood up to wipe. I also stand up to wipe. You say that like that's normal. No, well. 50-50.

50-50. Apparently some people sit to wipe. Corey is a stander. Corey, you're a stander? Yeah, I am. Okay. There's people sit to wipe. Corey is a stander. Corey, you're a stander? Yeah, I am. Of course. There's no other way. I went to another corner.

And wet wipes. You got to do the wet wipes. I got to get into these wet wipes. You actually use wet wipes every time you shit? Yeah, I'm a single dude in my 20s, and I always have fresh stock of wet wipes. Wow. Yeah, well, prepare to be single for a while longer. What do you do?

You stand or sit? Stand. I didn't know people sat when they did that. People sat. They wiped their fucking asses like girls wipe their pussy. Oh, no, that's disgusting.

No, no, no. You don't go, what you do is you lift up your right butt cheek. So then you're pulled and the back of your head gets on the seat. Nah, yeah, yeah.

You're all grabby with your ass. If someone walks in, you can fucking, you can come back down real quick walking in. No, no, that's fucked're all grabby with your ass. If someone walks in, you can fucking, you can come back down real quick walking in. No, no, that's fucked up, man. It just happens. Why does it matter

if your hand's on the seat? Are you shitting on the seat? People sometimes shit on the seat. I get, yeah. You're gonna wash your hands afterwards. But my hand's not on the seat.

We got one, two, three, four standers. Doug, you a stander or a sitter? I'm a sitter, but I had no idea you could even stand. That's the thing. You ever sit in a chair just for fun but I had no idea you could even stand. That's the thing.

I had no idea you could sit. No, you don't. You ride it like Zach Morris in a geometry class? Cool kid in school. You poop cool? Yeah, I poop cool. It's good for reading. It seems like if you poop it cool, it might splash off a little bit and maybe jump.

And go into a tub. Yeah, fascinating. I would love to shit in your tub. I know you would. That's the thing. Ed would be the. I would love to shit in your tub. I know you would. That's the thing. Ed would be the first to admit if he shit in my tub. That's his best defense.

So you're a sitter too, Eddie. What? You're a sitter? Yeah, of course I'm a sitter. Jackie, obviously you're a sitter. Yeah, I'm always a sitter. I'm 100% sitter. Yep, and Kellen, yourself?

Sits, all sits. All right, so 50-50, exactly. Sits to shits. And Mike, yourself? Sitter. Sitter, all right. Oh, God. All you people are fucking dirty.

There's more sitters. It's not 50-50. You're in the minority. For the most part, it's... You're just sitting next to each other. Naturally. All right. So I get up at noon.

I go and take a dump. I leave. Mike's still there. He's like, hey, you know, I don't know what's going to happen in there later. You know, whatever. He said something to me. He whispered something as you were leaving. He whispered something.

We mumbled. I was hungover. I'm going to shit in the tub. I'm going to shit in the tub. It could have been that. What was that? Nothing. I'm just staring at the fucking wall, man.

So I leave at exactly what time, Mike, did you take a shower in that tub on Saturday, July 26th? When did you take your poop first? I took my poop at noon 20, I'm going to say, Mike. It was about 12, 20, 12, 25. And then you went in around... Well, I tried to let it air out a little bit. You have to.

After Holden goes in there, you've got to give it some breathing time. That's a bad word. It's like Woodstock 99 in there after Holden gets got it. It's not breathing time, it's screaming time. Oh, it is. It's a bad time. Oh, my God. I tell you, it's like Woodstock 99 in there after Holden gets got. It's not breathing time. It's screaming time. Oh, it is. It's disgusting.

When Holden farts, it goes, rawr! Rawr! And the Raiders of the Lost Ark. Oh, yeah. You could stir up Holden's poop and make a wish, and it would come true if it looked right. Oh, my God. That's great.

Yeah. If you can do it. So, yeah. It was about 1225-ish. I gave it about 10 minutes breathing time before I decided I was going to go in and take a shower. 1235, the man took a shower after me. About 1235, yes. If poop were in that shower, you would have seen it correct.

I absolutely would have seen the poop. Thank you. Are you sure you didn't just not look down? You know, I do wash my feet. The need of them. I've heard a lot of people that don't. No. Because there are people out there. Are you sure you didn't just not look down? You know, I do wash my feet. The knee defense. I've heard a lot of people that don't. No. Because there are people out there.

I do wash my feet, which requires me to look down. Also, the knee defense, Mike. And my knee defense. It still hurts to this day. May I say this, Mike? You are a bit of a heavyset fellow. Is it possible that the poop was being hidden by your relatively healthy build? No.

Okay. No. Okay. No. All right. I can still see my penis spin. Well, you must have a large donker. I'm not as heavy set as you say I am. I mean, that's a personal... But for the Lister Snowman,

he could be as big as the room. That's a personal issue that I'm dealing with. I didn't know he was so sensitive. You also say it like he's fucking Henry. He's old Henry, that's for sure. Henry can't see his dick. Well, Henry could be anorexic and not see his dick. I bet he can't see his dick.

I'm raising that ante right now. All right. You're making a declaration Henry can't see his dick? Yeah. All right. I guess we'll get a response to the next last podcast. Enough murder fish shows that I've seen Henry's dick myself, and I believe you, Jackie.

He probably can't see it. All right, so anyway. So you got out of the shower, let's say, 12. You say you left at 12.50. 12.50. It does not, I mean, from. Quick shower, then. Actually, a nice shower.

15 minutes. That's a good shower. I mean, I'm pretty quick. I can walk into a place, and I can leave within 15 minutes, showered, dressed, and ready to go. It's a very dirty shower. You don't want to spend time inside. You don't hang around in that shower. You get in, you get out.

There's shit in there for Christ's sake. I've heard Holden having sex in that shower. There was no shit in that shower. Not anymore. Those days are over, buddy. During or after my shower. There was nothing during or after the shower. He leaves at 12.50. Lexi is not here. She will be here next week.

She is not here. He will be here next week. Very interesting. He had to rehearse for a play. It's a very funny play. I'm so scared. I'm so scared. You could release my life.

She tried to get out of it to be here, but it was like at the end of the day, she will be here next week. Maybe somebody has to have time to prepare their defense. Yeah, absolutely. Maybe she does. An actress needs to learn her lines, huh? Oh, alibi lines! Alibi lines!

Story straight. You're all a bunch of dog people. Take it easy. What's wrong with you holding it? All right. So Lexi claims that she did not leave my room between those hours. She didn't leave the room before I left. Again, I was at work this entire time.

Interesting that he says that. And then she left the room at 4 p.m., went into the shower, turned the faucets on, went to take a piss, a thing that my lady does, right? She'll turn the faucets on, go take a pee-pee. When she saw the poopy, it already had a lot of water splitter splatters. But she stepped in it. She took a step into the shower. She said to herself, she said to herself, man, somebody

must have ripped open this bathroom with the hard shit, right? And then she looked down and she thought to herself, oh, is that mud? And then she realized her foot was completely covered in dookies. And again, we can all agree it's great that Holden's girlfriend got her foot covered in shit, but we have

to figure out who did it. Can I clear up a couple of holes here? I'm wondering, Mike? Asshole. Vagina hole. No, no. No, plot holes. Don't cover mine up. Yes. Corey, I would love Detective Corey for this purpose. Did you lock the door?

I don't think that was mentioned at all. I honestly cannot for a fact say that I locked the door. Can't confirm or deny. I normally do lock the door. I cannot see myself leaving without locking the door. But on that instance, I mean, it was just another day to me. You're talking about the front door. Yeah, the front door.

I never thought, oh, I need to cover the evidence or leave it open so that this leaves an out for me. So I cannot confirm nor deny that the door was locked. And I will say, Murder Fist has very loud meetings at the apartment. And we have the words fuck off or fuck you etched into our door. Someone painted over it recently. Painted over it. You can't see it anymore. Someone painted over it. Okay. But they wrote fuck you on the into our door painted over it painted over you can't see it anyone painted over it okay but they wrote fuck you on the door yeah yeah because we're on the first

floor it's very easy to get in the address yeah that's been told video really gives the uh the whole rundown of how it would go i can't believe the phantom pooper posted that I can't either. I feel like, can I just say, I feel like it's the game clue. I've got a suspect. Okay. Seems to me what we have here is a situation of

standing up pooping, wiping gone wrong. Hold him at kneel, he stands up, fire dumb. How would you not have seen it? Because Mike, as he claims to be thinner than he is, was blinded by his own human. Every human has a blood set. It could have hurt me.

He could have had his leg out. And his knee is swollen. Maybe just enough to cover up a little duke. I think sometimes when a man makes a step. I think you shat on your own girlfriend's foot. Hold him at knee in the bathroom with the poop. I think that Mike would have seen it.

He's my way out. What if the curtain was over it though? But listen, as much as this pains me to say. Which way did you get in the shower? By the toilet or by the door? You can't go in the other way because of the handicap. There is a handicap bar bar which by the way would allow someone to very easily squat into the perfect position to wear that by the way i could

not do because i could not bend my knee okay this is true so you're saying the trajectory of the shit was as if someone squatted down and can i just say this right now no poopy on the shower curtain does that fucking blow your mind it blows my fucking mind we checked the shower curtain there is no poopy on it so it's not like because my work in theory here is that of course the door is left unlocked from time to time a delivery man comes in delivering chinese food mexican food what have you he's got the shits it happens sometimes it does i had a chinese food delivery guy beg to use my fucking toilet one night. Did you let him use it?

I did. Where did he poop? In the toilet. In the toilet. Okay. Absolutely in the toilet. Fish tank. Oh, interesting.

He pooped in the fish tank. He comes in. He's delivering food. It's the first door that you see when you come inside. He knocks on the door. Nobody's answering. He turns the knob. Nobody's in there.

He goes straight to the bathroom. What's the song that they sing? Going to the bathroom. I've heard them sing that before. I don't know. So they come in. The lid is down on the toilet. There's already a little bit of shit coming out.

They're already halfway through the shit. And they do a splat right into the bathtub. Mike, did you leave the lid down on the toilet when you left? They don't have to. You can't expect me to remember that, though. They stand. Yeah, yeah. I mean, in the culture, in the Chinese culture, there is many toilet pits.

A shower drain looks more like a toilet than a toilet. And they squat. It's also a squatting culture. One of the few people who sit down. So are you telling us that we have to go back to our apartment and call all of the delivery places in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, and fucking quiz every person who delivers the food. That's the thing, though, man. It might not just be a delivery person.

They're everywhere, man. It's Williamsburg. Yeah, that's true. All right. So it could be that we don't know who the mystery pooper is. I really think that's what we're going with here. And you said, wasn't it you had said old lady lives in the fifth floor? Old lady lives in the

fifth floor. You always have to help her with her bag. It's one of those moments of humanity where no matter how late you are, you have to help her out. You always gotta carry bags. It's always when you're late. She's sitting at the bottom of the stairs waiting for someone to come help her. Everyone's hip to her plan. No one's in and out of the hallways. She's got

nowhere to go. She's sitting there with all the groceries. What's hip to her plan. No one's in and out of the hallways. You gotta help her. She's got nowhere to go. She's sitting there with all the groceries. What's she gonna do? She goes into your place, fucking slips and falls shit to the tub. Someone pulls her out. That makes perfect sense, man. In a lot of ways. I fucking get it, dude.

There's been times I've been around some old niggas, man, and they have straight up just peed in my room right in front of me as I was asleep. Woke up by them peeing right by my bed. An elderly person? Yeah. They're just peeing right by your bed. Where is this? There's, you know, back home. In Brooklyn? Jamaica? No, this is in Florida. Oh, okay. You know, sometimes they, you know, they're old. Yeah, John woke up with that old guy in his house.

That's right. That one time in Tallahassee. John woke up with an old guy in his house? Yeah, he just woke up with some old bum in his house and he was just like, oh, I'm not going to kill you, man. He was like, get out of here. And hold, not to mention the fact that you've told me the story of the guy that climbed up the fire escape and broke in. To rape a woman.

To get in the girl's place. Well, it happened. It's slightly different. And first of all, I don't think you start with the accessibility of our apartment. I'm not trying to compare a rape to taking a dump in a tub. I'm prepared. No, but at the same time, a rapist is the type of person that would shit in your tub. Absolutely.

Because they just don't give a fuck. What we need to do is knock on all the doors and ask every person in our building whether or not they got raped. Because if we know that, if we get that, oh, you were raped, what time did it happen? Oh, 2 p.m. on a fucking Saturday, July 26th? You're going to go ask if they got raped, and they say yes, and they start breaking down crying,

and you say, thank you so much, because we're looking for a pooper. Wake up, wake up. But not a rapist. But you're looking for a, it seems less of a crime to be a pooper. Way less, yeah. I'll smoke them out first. Yeah. Small, not a bigoper. I'll smoke them out first. Get real stoned and then I'll just turn to them and be like, we're fucking blazed.

Did you get raped? What time did it happen? Where was it? Did they look like they had to take a shit while they were fucking raping you? It's just a laugh a minute. Yeah. Incredibly selfish, man. Most selfish questioning of a rapist.

I think that would lead to disprove our own names. We need to have every Mike, me, and Ben. I'm not even completely out of it. Absolutely a part of this. Take a dump in a canister, switch rooms, put a blindfold on Lexi, have her go in, smell each of our dumps. I want Lexi to dump as well. Oh, okay. She's definitely a suspect.

She's definitely a suspect. But we'll never, I mean, okay, fine. She's a suspect. I do believe that Lexi took a shit on her own foot. That's insane. Why would she tell all of them? That's insane. Oh, no, it's the perfect cover-up, man.

You go in the bathroom, you shit all over your foot you're like oh shit my feet got shit on them you don't want the world to know so you say somebody fucking shat in his cup

she does have those backwards feet too she has the backwards feet and then the butts in the front we all know that she knows that the hold in himself

and also everyone he associates with are horrible monsters and she's been trying to get hold of people and she's like you know what I shat. Fucking swamp people. She's like, you know what? I shat on my foot.

No one's going to believe that me, white girl, blonde haired, fucking... Former lesbian. Former lesbian. Shit's on my feet. The streets would never accept that. So I say these fucking monsters did it. And she's trying to... Her and Holden, she's luring him away from the apartment.

He's out of there very soon, so she wants to build up a case. She's got a motive. Yeah, to get him out quicker. I think it was actually even less than that. It was just to get me to clean the bathroom. That's the motive. And I cleaned the shit out of that bathroom. Yes, you did.

Literally, yeah. I don't know, man. She's like, she changed, you like she changed her whole system for this. He's pointing at Holden. Yeah, holding. Corey, by the way, how ugly has Holden gotten as a Holdinator? How do you feel about your leader's health? I mean, how is that even a question?

It's just a question. It's by definition a question. You know, his neck is not as lumpy as you guys make it out to be. It's pretty lumpy. Yeah, but it's not that lumpy. I had another dude visit the apartment for maybe to move in and he was like, yeah, it's funny to finally meet you. Man, your neck is all lumpy.

It's like, wow, man. Fuck you. That's the other Corey. No. No, he was right. I mean, you know, I got some lumps on there. It's called a cyst.

It's not cancerous. Someone's fucking phone's going, Jackie. Who's Dave? Oh, call him. Oh, the guy who's couch you shit on. Fascinating. Fucking fascinating. That is a myth of a story

No no no it's written down Does he have a live feed into this? No That was not a true story This is the thing We have multiple Multiple Stories from Ben heard on this podcast

Over several years Joking stories. Shit on a sign. I shit on a car. I shit on a couch. What comes next on that list? I am telling you the couch thing isn't true, but the sign in the car, that's 8th grade.

Shit on a car. It's comical stuff. Shit on a sign. Shit on a couch. Shit on a tub. It's actually not that bad. He's finally sign. Shit on a couch. Shit on a tub. The tub is actually not that bad. He's finally making his way to the toilet. Here's the theory.

Here's the theory that I'm working on right now. You're a professional at shitting on places that are not supposed to have... Thank you very much, Corey. And you know what? Believe it or not, I didn't want you to be on the show, but now I'm happy you're here. You are training an apprentice shitter happy you're here. You are training an apprentice shitter, and you're starting them off slowly. Oh, I like this.

Now, Mike cannot confirm or deny whether he locked the door, but honestly, every time you leave for good, you're locking the fucking door, especially if my fucking bitch is in the bedroom, right? So, at the end of the day, okay So at the end of the day, okay? At the end of the day,

the only other person who has the keys to that fucking apartment is Ben Kissel. Well, Ben Kissel, but there is one other person who so kindly pointed out my girlfriend last weekend. I got the keys. And I would love to say that Ed Larson has the keys. Ed Larson definitely has the keys.

And I was with Mr. Pastrami. Well, you can pass the keys off. Two people who love to fucking shit on my top. Oh, boy. Dude, that's the problem. And Kellen was with Julia. I'm a suspect if it happens again. Me, I was with Doug and Holden.

We were all three together. Yeah. That sounds like a lot. We were all three together. I. That sounds like a lot. We were all three together. I didn't think you just incriminated yourself. No, we were all together working on the cowman album. Playing music. Making dreams come true.

Right. And there are three other people that can confirm that we were there. Right. Not groupies. No. Definitely not. Bandmates. Bandmates.

Band members. Well, we'll get back to the poops. I don't know. The more we talk about it, it just seems like, just like Ed said, I want to do it now. I didn't do it. Oh, by the way, if for some reason any of our weirder friends decide to shit in their tub for real, we will prosecute you to the full extent of the law. I say bring it on.

I say come out, you fuckers, you idiots. While this all is a big joke and funny, someone seriously came into our apartment and shit the top. And if you want to do it, fucking come in. I think that person came into our apartment about two months ago and they've been paying rent. Search inside yourselves, man. Is there anybody whose sister y'all might have fucked?

Or girlfriend y'all might have fucked? Because that to me, that seems like to me... Kevin, I have annoyed and pissed off every single person in my natural born life. Oh yeah, you're unlikable. Unlikable. There is no way for me to sift through the fucking piles of suspects. In my room, I've just got stacks of file folders. I can guarantee you right now there's somebody out there like,

Yo, I thought, what happened, man? I thought I'll hold it and fuck your girl. I was guarantee you right now there's somebody out there like, yo, I thought, what happened, man? I thought I was holding it and fucked your girl. I was like, nah, it's all good, man. Shit in this tub, nigga. Somebody's saying that. Now fuck all your girls again, you bastards. Yep. Yeah, lick at all your girlfriends' pussies right now.

Close your eyes and imagine it. Me, my big gross head ripping away at her fucking dirty pussy. Old Nader's hoe. Old Nader's hoe. Thank you, Corey. Thank you, Corey. You're very welcome. Wild stuff. Well,

that's great. Well, somebody crapped in the bath and we'll figure out who did it. Let's move on. So there's a drummer who had sex with a cat, or a dog and a horse. Yeah. And then there's another story, I'm sure, that we could talk about.

With a cat. Ah. Searchers who have been trying to rescue a cat with a bird feeder stuck on its head in Manitoba say their efforts to trap the hapless animal are being sabotaged. Oh, my God. So he has a bird feeder on its head, and it's stuck in the wild?

Yeah, look at it. It's perfect for the cat. He's too big for it. The cat probably did it on purpose to attract the birds. Easier hunting. That's a good point, yeah. The Brandon and Area Lost Animals group began setting out traps over a week ago after the cat, nicknamed Butterscotch, was

spotted with the feeder on its head in the neighborhood. The cat couldn't easily be captured because it could see out of one eye and was still able to run and even jump to evade the rescuers. The group set traps, but they say a man in the neighborhood has shown lights,

clapped his hands, and used other techniques to scare Butterscotch away. I think Butterscotch kind of deserved this. Yeah. I mean, she broke the human food chain, or the animal food chain. The birds are supposed to eat the feed, and the cat's supposed to eat the bird. Yeah. It jumped a step.

Well, maybe the bird was in there, and it went after the bird. It's probably going to kill a bird. You think he was trying to get the bird? I think he was trying to get the bird. Yeah, yeah. He was trying to get the feed. Yeah, they say they've moved their traps on a private property, but their traps have been found and purposely damaged.

Every single trap. There is a man that does not want this cat to be caught. Maybe it's damaged because it's a fucking bird feeder on its head and it doesn't fit in the trap. Could be. That's why it was so... The craziest part about that is just how many people are involved. A cat got his head stuck in a bird feeder.

All of a sudden, there's a team of people like, we got to do something about this. And then there's another dude. This must be a nice place. It's got to be. It was Manitoba. Corey, what do you know about Manitoba? Not a whole lot. I know it's fascinating.

Yes. This is sort of like that, what's that Schwarzenegger, The Last Stand. The last stand? Schwarzenegger, The Last Stand. The last stand? Schwarzenegger is the sheriff. I didn't see that. That's a terrible film. Well, I'm checking out some information here on Brandon, Manitoba, because this is apparently a very, very big deal.

Is it in America? No, this is Canada. Canada. It's the second largest, Brandon is the second largest city in Manitoba. Manitoba is a province of Canada. I mean, how many people are there, then? Like 12 people? 13?

Well, it's Brandon, and then there's Brandon's brother. Oh. I see. This is all in one trailer house? Yeah. Manitoba has 1.2 million people. That's not too bad. That's pretty good.

2.2 people per square mile. It's like a city block in Lower East Side. Yeah. Yeah. But, you know, I guess there's still not a whole lot going on in this neighborhood in particular. I heard they're actually... Volunteers have spotted a man at night moving around the traps and shining bright lights, but that he moves back onto his own property by the time police arrive.

So since he's on his own property and the cops don't have a search warrant to go onto his property, he's getting away scot-free every single time. I feel like they could make a movie like Gravity based on this cat with the fucking bird feeder on its head, oxygen's leaving him, out there in the wild,

gonna fucking die soon. I feel like that would be very different from Gravity. I don't. I mean, this cat's going to starve to death. That's why they're trying to find the cat, because it's going to starve to death. Tony Gramiak, an organizer with the group, said in an email, police have suggested we move the trap away from the man's sights, which we did. The man searched for and found the new location every time. So the guy hates the cat or loves the cat?

I think he hates the cat. He wants the cat to starve to death. Maybe he wants to kill his favorite bird. Maybe he's a bird watcher. Could be. Holden, what were you going to say? I felt like you really had something on the tip of your devil tongue. Oh, yeah.

We were talking about how minuscule the town was, and I just remembered it's very well known for the fact that it has a kid there named Not-A-Jew. Right? That's what you were saving up for. That was the thing. But it was, like, so long ago. Like, we were talking about how the town was obscure.

And then, Marcus, how obscure was the town? It's the second largest city in Manitoba. Not-A-Jew. I wonder if there's a kid over there named Not-A-Jew. You asked me The moment it passed And I was happy that it did Did the moment ever arrive? I was happy that it had passed

I was like, oh cool, I don't have to say this This is probably not going to work The traps have been baited with tuna, sardines And cat food But butterscotch so far Has avoided them You like Yeah, sardines. You like to eat sardines, don't you, Eddie? Yeah, they're delicious. You just gotta get the spines out.

So do you think the guy mixing around with all these traps is he eating the sardines for himself and he's upset they're trying to give it to a cat? Maybe. I don't understand. How is the cat gonna eat the sardines? His head's in a fucking box. He gets attracted to the smell of the sardines, gets into the trap, and then the trap shuts behind him

and then they can get the, you know, bird feeder. He can smell through the bird feeder? Hmm? He can smell through the bird feeder? I don't know. Oh, sure.

There's a bunch of holes in it, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is a great town. Yeah. This is the only crime happening in the town? It's not even a crime. No.

Anyone who spots the cat is asked to refrain from posting the location on social media sites or other public forums. Why? Don't they want to save it? I'm sure that... These branded idiots?

They think that this guy has been monitoring social media to find out where the cat is. How is the cat going to be the president of Foursquare? That's devastating. I love food names for cats. What's your favorite food name for a cat? Waffles. Ooh, I do like waffles. Pickles are pretty good.

Biscuits. That was my cat's name. I know. Pickles are pretty good. Yeah, pickle, biscuits. Goat cheese. Doritos. Doritos is cute, too.

I don't think you can call your cat goat cheese. Why not? It's all getting... No, it's the kind of cat that leaves slime everywhere it goes. Slimer, you know? We'll name it Slimer then. It's like a slug. You just keep throwing salt on it so it gets away from you.

How about Buckets of Cum? Can I name it Buckets of Cum? Do you eat Buckets of Cum? You could. You could name your cat Bloody Pussy if you wanted to. Where's that B-O-C? Oh yeah, Bach. Call him old fucking Bach. It's like, no, it's not the composer. No, it's Bach.

Buckets of cum, honey. Come here, Buck. It's a cum. I got your favorite. I love that. Yeah. You're going to name her? Yeah, that's what you're going to go.

Yeah, I'm going to fucking steal a cat. Name him Buck. Buckets of cum. I've never been naming Buck. I was thinking about getting a cat. No, don't get a cat. I want to just get a cat. To aggravate the dog ghost. Yeah. Yeah, get a cat, dude, don't get a cat. To aggravate the dog ghost.

Yeah, piss him off a little bit. Is that dog ghost? That was a vivid story. Choked out. Was there any further developments on the dog? No dogs allowed. You hear howling like the hound of the Baskervilles. Is there like a ghost spirit? For those that don't recall, last week

we discussed there was a dog shot outside of Ed's apartment, but Ed's shot strangled to death. I'm so sorry. I have to do this. Do you feel? I have to kill you now. So sad. Have you felt the dog's presence lately?

No, no, it's dead. Is it still in the dumpster, by the way? No, no, no. It was gone. They called for an early pickup. Oh, okay. That's nice. That's good. The dumpster's still there. The dumpster's still in the dumpster, by the way. No, no, no. It was gone. They called for an early pickup. Oh, okay. That's nice. That's good.

But the dumpster's still there. The dumpster's still there, so there's probably some dog blood in the dumpster. Yeah. I didn't clean it. It's gotta be. No. I wouldn't. You gotta clean it, man.

Dog's blood attracts wolves, man. No. Good luck. No. That's right. With your fortress. Yeah. Come and try to shit in my toilet

with my fucking 10-foot barbed wire fence. How's that apartment working out, Eddie? I love it. Yeah? You're enjoying it? He lives like a dog in a dog house. He does. He lives like a junkyard person

behind a giant barbed wire fence. He's like the beast from Sandlot. He doesn't even have a kitchen. You should start towing cars. You realize you could, right? If you got a tow truck and pulled cars behind your gate and charged people to get them back, you could do it. It's not a bad idea.

Does it feel weird? Eddie lives in a cement house. Cement? No, piping. Steam fitters. Steam fitters. Steam fitters. Steam fitters. Fitters. Yeah, piping. Steamfitters. Steamfitters. Steamfitters. Steamfitters. Yeah, yeah. Steamfitters. Piping.

And you live in the basement of a steamfitters place. And then you have barbed wire all around. Yeah, my place is nice. So like when a woman goes in there, yeah. Yeah, you can't bring a woman in there. No. I have. Because it looks nice, you know.

No, it doesn't. Once have already? Because it looks nice, you know. No, it doesn't. Once you get inside, it looks nice. Because I always warn them. I'm like, you know, listen, it's just like, you know, it's coming up. Don't mind the vultures circling the door. So at the end of the morning, I was like, not bad, right? It's not that scary. You know? It's not that scary.

She was like, actually, it's not that bad, but I hated being chained inside. Yeah, that's the thing. If they wanted to get out, they cannot. They can't, man. But that's the beauty of it. It's like how to catch a predator. That's the beauty of it, though, because you could argue.

It's like, look at all this barbed wire, man. You know how many people it took fucking folding that shit without cutting their arms? That is craftsmanship. Craftsmanship. Exactly like this. Do you live at 3232 48th Avenue? No. Are you sure?

Yes. I do not. Let's get your address. So if you go missing, no one will find you. I actually don't have a mailing address right now. I was thinking about just getting everything mailed there. You don't have a mailing address. You live in Lisa's Steam Fitter's place and your home is entirely surrounded by barbed

wire. No, just the front. Barbed wire and bricks. You're like fucking Mad Max. He's like, this is a serial killer. I'm safe. This occlusion must be nice. It really is.

I'm the only person there on Sundays. No one can get in, man. It's amazing. Certainly no one can get out, yeah. You can yell anything you want to at anyone passing by. Help, help me, help me. I want to get out of here.

Ed's being gross to me. But then nobody cares. The answer's no. The answer is no. No, it's true. I promise. No? Okay.

And you don't have a kitchen. What? No kitchen. But I kind of made one. I got a little tiny fridge and a microwave on top of it and a coffee maker. So you just have a big butcher block and a knife sticking in it? Yeah. This is terrifying.

Next news story. A pet duck has bitten a girl in Sydney. Yes. I'm sorry. Go ahead. A pet duck has bitten a girl in Sydney. Ain't got no teeth. The girl is understood to be...

Yeah, ducks have teeth. The girl is understood to be the owner of the duck. Paramedics treated the child for the bite at her residence about 5 p.m. on Wednesday. It is understood that the victim has not been transferred

to the hospital. It is unclear what species of duck committed the act. However, ducks can get aggressive during mating season. So the duck...

This is a news story? That's it. That's it. That is it. The duck bit the girl who owned her. How long did that treatment take? This is Australia. They have every fucking poisonous thing in the world. Sydney's a big city.

They're trying to act like go get bit by ducks. It's not Minnetoba. How big are the teeth? They're not that big. How big are the teeth? Oh, they're not that big, Jackie. But do they cut the skin? Totally. They're omnivores.

I got bit by one. Kevin, you're bird loot. There's no teeth in a duck. Right. They got the beaks and fuck you up. They also have like cat tongue with like barks. What, are you going to tell me they smile too? Right?

That was my unknown thing. They have teeth like little barbs. They have small grooves on the inside of their bills to help chew food, but not teeth in the way that mammals have teeth. Barbs, Corey? Yes, you're welcome. I mean, it is a barbed area inside of there. It's a tooth.

Kevin, what about ducks and teeth? What about ducks? I mean, yeah. I mean, ducks can fuck you up, man. Don't mess you up. That's the thing. People know not to fuck with ducks. Yeah, exactly.

That has nothing to do with teeth. That would just like stomp on people all the time, fuck people up nonstop. But when ducks came around, they're like, listen, you don't fuck with ducks. You ever punch a duck? It's tough to punch a duck because they have little heads in there. They're quick, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're quick as hell. You got to get one in a they have little heads in there. They're quick, man. Yeah, quick as hell. You got to get one in a bag.

Ducks are terrible. Wrangle it out of the bag. Punch a duck. No, not a duck. Eddie, you live in a dude. Your home is too sketchy to say such things. It's scary. I'm starting to not trust Ed.

Yeah, no one's trusting Ed these days, which is interesting because he has keys to my apartment. Either way, though. I do. Yes. So, okay. I think Ed's shit would have been bigger than that. There's no fucking way. Well, apparently it was like a shark.

Ed poops a lot a little. Yeah. Ed poops a little a lot, I mean. No, I poop a bunch a bunch. No, it's a bunch a bunch. Oh, it's a bunch. I've lived with him. It's a bunch of a bunch.

It's a bunch a bunch, but no crunch. Honestly, too, it smells very distinct. Yeah, I got my own. So I think if she has a flashback, I think Ed needs to come over, take a dump of my toilet, have Lex walk in there, sniff around. You want your girlfriend to walk into a bathroom after Ed took a dump in it.

Yeah, and sniff around. And this is the woman you love, and you want to marry her. We're already fucking stepped in a fucking tub of poo. We're all making allowances here, man. How about we perch her in the sink and we all shit in there while she watches? Ooh, that's going to hot. But is the watching going to change? Yeah, it's going to change.

We want to scar her to maybe scare her into admitting something. Yeah. There's one way to get out of this. Admit that you did it, Lexi. Wow. Ooh, I love it. It's like Chinese water torture. She's not our girlfriend. There's one way to get out of this. Admit that you did it, Lexi. She's not our girlfriend. She's yours, so we're fine with ruining her. Yeah, that's the thing. I prefer to do it.

But Jackie, we were talking that it seems like she would have maybe sat on the side of the tub if she was shaving her legs. I was saying that sometimes girls sit on the side of the tub to shave legs. But Lexi don't, man. Well, at the same time, two days ago, you were over at our apartment, and as you were telling your story, from when you were leaving Blue Stove... She was like, oh, I left Blue Stove. I went to

my house. No, I was just drunk, and I was saying that I went home after I left work. But you stuttered, though. You almost said hold it. I left work. I went stuttered though. You almost said hold it. I left work. I went to hold my house. Very fishy.

Yeah, you're fishy. You're fucking fishy. I wish I did it. I fucking wish I fucking did it. Everybody wishes they did it. That's besides the point. It's shitting in the middle of the kitchen. That's how you get a person. So you walk home and you walk in and there's shit in the middle of the kitchen and you're like

man, I'm not going to hide the shit. I need to try squatting. They keep telling you to squat. I gotta try it. I can't squat over a toilet bowl. It's too high up. Squat, shit on the kitchen floor. I've heard you do such a thing.

Ooh, hot stuff. Alright, if you have a poop test with Lexi, say she does have to have a smell of everyone's poop. He dumps on her. Well, yeah, I know that, but the rest of us... I'm serious. That's a sexual thing to do. But the rest of us, we don't dump on her. He dumps on her. Her breasts will be out of her shirt.

Ooh. Okay, good. So everyone's going to dump on Lexi while her breasts are out? Hold it. Are you telling us all that we can dump on your girlfriend? Is that what you just allowed? I just wanted to smell it. I'm just saying, though, we'll get like a bit of a shower. Ooh, they're going to break up.

They're going to break up. And then he won't leave the apartment. She's going to leave you after this. Well, if it happens, if a poop test does happen, then that means that your shower is going to have to be shat in over and over and over again. Tupperware containers. Well, I don't know, man. Tupperware containers. Well, I don't know, man. Tupperware containers.

You can't do it in the toilet. You can't do it in the water. That's going to change the whole pH. Change the smell. But the water was hitting the poo. First of all, the water was hitting the poo for a while. Tupperware container. We'll pour a little bit of water on each do.

Enough for more poo for you to clean up. But I want her to shit herself so she can smell that. Sure, and we'll smell it it too. We'll have a fucking piñata after that. She's like, oh my god, it was me! It smells so fucking good! You think she'll go mad smelling it and realize it was her? I mean, that's crazy talk.

I don't know if it's that crazy, man. There's a chance she shat on her own foot and fucking blacked out immediately. With those backwards feet. Yeah, those backwards backwards feet. Yeah. Backwards ass feet, dude. Tits all hanging out.

You got your tits hanging out and shit on your feet? Deplorable. I love you snuggle bunnies. I love my snuggle bunnies. We're gonna go four for four today on Animal News. The man who died after his car crashed into a bee-infested home has been identified.

Wow. This is so horrifying. The Saginaw County Sheriff's Department says 54-year-old Patrick Muirhead most likely died from a medical condition. The St. Charles man was rounding a curve on West Spruce Street in the city Wednesday afternoon when he hit the abandoned house. When people tried to rescue him, they were swarmed by bees and had to stay away. A local bee farm was able to eventually contain the bees with a spray so the car could be pulled from the home. Investigators believe the man died from the bee stings and not the crash. I cannot get Nicolas Cage from Wicker Man.

The bees! Not the bees! Not the bees! That's the worst movie ever. So just on the reg, it's's like That house is a bee house It's a bee house Yeah We all had one

In Wisconsin The bees are free Is what you're saying The bees are free Yeah the bees are free now Not everyone growing up Had a bee house They're contained

Bees don't want to be free What is a bee gonna do It's not gonna go to LA And start acting It's gonna hang out Bees like to hang out in the nest And make honey and things Wasn't that Jerry Seinfeld

Didn't he play Bee? Bee Movie. He made another $8 million fucking dollars. By the way, apparently Jerry Seinfeld, the second largest penis in Hollywood next to Milton Berle? John Hamm. No, a black fella. Who was it?

That's not fair. Yeah, there's a whole blog about it. This chick blew a bunch of different dudes. Apparently Seinfeld's got one of the bigger donks around. That's why he's such a fucking pissant. He's so nasally. He seems like he has enough money to pay for an article about how big his dick is. No, this is a woman.

She sucked all the dicks in comedy for a series of years in the 90s. Just to write the book. Early aughts, and she wrote a book about it, or a blog, rather. Sandra Bernhardt? I don't know. Number one is, oh, it or a blog, rather. Sandra Bernhardt? I don't know. Number one is oh, it's a black fella. I forget his name. Chris Rock? Maybe it's Rock. Is it the guy from Blood Diamond?

I bet he's got a huge cock. Maybe he's Manjon Hutsu. Give us us free. Gladiator. That's his name. Marcus, did you Google Seinfeld Big Dog? I'm trying to find some good shit here. Apparently Daniel Craig has a big dick. We all saw that. That wasn't hard, though.

It's tough to say. Let's see who else. Was it Colin Farrell? He has a big dick. Irish dick. I don't believe it. I'm not finding anything. Did you make that up?

I did not make it up. I'm not finding anything here. you make that up? I did not make it up. I'm not finding anything here. No, this is true comedian hearsay. Where'd you hear it from? Dan St. Germain. Of course you would know. Yeah, standard comedians know this stuff. Yeah, this is in the game.

Inside stuff. Arsenio Hall. That's right. Arsenio is number one. Actually, Jerry Seinfeld is number nine on the list. I'm sorry. Above him is Michael Jordan. Who's the woman who wrote this?

Let's see here. MediaTakeout.com I don't see any names. She hasn't put her fucking name on the list. She doesn't put her fucking name on the list. I would love to be on the top ten list of the biggest dicks in comedy. Who cares? You know who's number four? John Ritter.

Really? Yeah. He's dead. He's dead. Dead John Ritter. Dead John Ritter, yeah. That dick keeps growing after you die. I wonder if you have to pay more for a casket.

That's John. What poor guy, the security guy at the cemetery is going to keep people away. Are they all comedians? Is it all comedians? No, this isn't all comedians. I couldn't find a comedian list. All entertainers. Okay, number three. Dead stiff. James Woods. James Woods

is a big donker. But number one is still Arsenio. Arsenio Hall's number one. He's always number one. Have you heard any about this, Kevin? I mean, it makes sense to me, man. Kevin, you guys need to do a sketch on Friends of the People, your new show coming out on TruTV, I believe October 28th, about Arsenio Hall's big fucking ween.

I haven't heard about it. I'll do it. Who? That's where the whole thing came from. Chicks started doing that when they would see it. Let's hear some more. Rafael Sadiq, great R&B guy. I don't know who that is.

Oh, R&B. The question is, who's deciding this? I mean, who's judging this? The people of all. What number is Keith Sweat? Keith Sweat's number 15. Number 15? How big is the list?

It is 20. 20. Top 20. Let's go through real quick. Yeah, Patrick Rafter, Australian tennis player. I don't know him. Mekhi Pfeiffer. Of course.

Yeah, from 8 Mile. Love Mekhi. I know. Oh. 8 Mile. Oh, yeah, it was O. 50 Cent. See, I wish there was a celebrity list for biggest pussy. Biggest fucking biggest lips.

I want to see that. Look up biggest pussy. Guys would never do that, though. Widest, longest. I'm never down there long enough to measure it. I'm down there long enough to make it huge. Oh, I get in there, man. You want to talk fucking lurgy juice.

I'll fucking talk lurgy juice. No one wants to talk lurgy juice. I almost forgot about that. We can't let that get away. Yeah, we're going to set it on fire. When it's good lurgy juice, you're going to take a match to it. It'll burn for three days. It sounds like you, Hanukkah. Just like the Jews of the desert.

Take it easy. It sounds like the same thing you drink bubble tea with. Oh, yeah. Just like the Jews of the desert. Take it easy. It sounds like the same thing you drink bubble tea with. Oh, yeah. The same kind of straw. Yeah, my lurgy straw.

Yeah, your lurgy straw to get your lurgy juice out of it. And now it's time for a segment from Old McNeely. Fine. Fuck you.

Just fuck you. Now you're in my corner of the show, you bastard. We're in my corner of the show, you bastard. We're going to do Marcus is a multimillion dollar record producer. You got to pitch him. All he's going off of his names. You got to pitch him a band name, an album name, and the name of your first single.

And that's fucking it. And he's going to sign one of us based on it. Also. How they really do things. Yes. Also, based on the recent new evidence of this episode, who's shitting that tub? So I will start off.

I will start off. We're going to be called the Lurgy Men. Right? What is Lurgy? Lurgy's a girl backwards. All right. Yeah, but he gets the lurgy juice. He's a lurgy man, so I guess it's like a clergy thing.

Lurgy man, yeah. They're religious, but for pussy juice. Is the record producer going to know this? Yeah, absolutely. That's the bitch. So the name of the first album is Drown That Horse in Some Bitch's Lurgy Juice. It's a long title. It's really long, but it's indie.

They like the longer titles and indie shit, right? And then the third name, the name of this first single is just going to be called Pussy Pussy Pussy Pussy Pussy Pussy Pussy. How many pussies? Seven or eight.

Seven pussies. Pussy, can we shorten it to Pussy x 7? Yeah, and who did it? That's what the kids will them. Pussy, can we just shorten it to pussy times seven? Yeah. And who did it? That's what the kids will say. Pussy times seven plus two. All right. And who did it?

I think I have to. I'm kind of leaning, starting to lean towards Ed as a big suspect. Wow. All right. But I still remain, you know, Kissel claims to be at work. I don't claim to be, I was. I mean, at the end of the day, the way you're a dog. Your alibi is for dogs. Yeah.

No, my alibi is a series of cameras that have seen me go in and out of buildings. Well, until I see this footage, my suspect is still Ben, but Ed either had a part to play or is maybe the real man who did it. All right. All right. Corey, what do you think about these segments? I love them.

Best part of the show. Yeah, fuck you, Finn. He's a holdinator. What are you asking him for? He doesn't know anything. All right, Kevin, what do you got? Honestly, I forgot what this shit was because I zoned out for a second. I was thinking about all the shit I regretted saying today.

Band. Oh, I can take it out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just bleep some of those things. But leave this part in because then people will go crazy. Yeah, this is the first time that I've ever had to take anything out that you said. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just bleep some of the names.

Yeah, all the names. Bleep names and titles the names. All the names. Bleep names and titles of things. Band, album, first single, and also who's shit in the tub. If I'm starting the band, and my first single, and album name. My band name is Eddie Murphy,

and album name is Party All The Time. I think that actually... And the first single is... The first single is... Party All The Time. Well, no, the first single is Party and then the second single is All...

And so on and so forth. Those are so boring. I hate those. There's only four tracks on here. I hate those. There's only four tracks on here. The. The. So who's shitting the top?

Honestly, man, Lexi, dude. God damn it. Lexi did it. Very popular theory here. That's fascinating. Ben? Steamy. Ooh, I'd love to think about that answer.

It's your turn, though, on the segment. So we're coming up with a record name. You heard the name of it. A record name, a single, and a band name. This is my favorite part of the segment. All right. No, let's say the... the uh told to you before the podcast began yeah okay all right um let's see okay so the name of the band that's first right let's start

with that okay um the uh dog mouth boys dog mouth boys okay album yeah i actually like dog mouth i The Dog Mouth Boys Dog Mouth Boys? Okay, album I actually like Dog Mouth Boys You got two more after that Album name? Dog Mouth Boys first album Coming to you in August Listen to the Dog Mouth Boys Their first album is

Oh, it's so much better in person. Pause. I think the name of the first album is Pause. No. Press Pause. Press Pause. Press Pause. No.

No. I did not say Press Pause. And what is the name of your first song? What is the name of the first song? No. Press Pause. Dog Mouth Boys made an album. It's called Press Pause.

What's their big hit single? It's the Dog Mouth Boys with an album. It's called Press Pause. What's their big hit single? It's the Dogmouth Boys with Press Pause. And first song, what's the name of the single? Press Pause. Ooh. Ooh. Oh, what's

a fun single name? Maybe something about ooh, what do dogs like? They like pooping in public. Pooping enemy number one. Pooping enemy number one. Suspicious as well.

Coming from Ben Kissel. Pooping enemy number one. Pooping enemy number one. Maybe he's interior mumble. Well, he's still alive. No, I would like to say. Who do you think did it, Ben? Press pause.

Never mind. Push play. That's the full name of the album. And then, yeah. Press pause. Never mind. Push play. It's kind of fun.

And what is who did it? It's called lick it in the bowl, eat it in the dish. Now, you're right. Oh, yeah. That's a good one. called lick it in the bowl, eat it in the dish. No, you're right. Oh, yeah. That's a good one. Lick it in the bowl, eat it in the dish. Lick it in the bowl, eat it in the dish. Lick it in the bowl.

You hear the song immediately, yeah. Hey, press pause. Never mind, push play. Who's shit in the tub, Ben? I believe Corey Griffin. In order to make the roundtable of gentlemen more exciting for a Holdinator, he felt as if Holdinator needed something to talk about. Granted, you have a point.

It is much better than it used to be. I mean, it used to be, I just put it on when I was at work, and I'd zone out, whatever. But I was in Montreal last weekend. Were you? I was. So you're saying you only got interested in the show last week? Basically.

Very suspicious. Very suspicious that the moment that you become invested in the show is the moment that a poop moment happens. Hey, I talked to Michael Che three-time round table of the year. Yeah. When I was up there, you can ask him. He talked to three-time round table of the year. I mean, he's off the hook.

to Michael Che. He talked a three-time round table with the year. I mean, he's off the hook. But, but, but, I want to say fuck Michael Che because I'm 2014 round table with the year. I don't give a shit. That's not how you get it, my friend. You don't get it by spitting in the king's face.

What's he going to do? Is he going to ruin my comedy career? I mean, it's not up to Michael Che. It's more, I mean, it's up to our distinguished panel of judges. Oh, yeah, because we take all those votes. Yeah, all the votes. From the listeners such as myself, all those votes. Well, you're not involved in that.

I mean, you've been voting for Che for three years. I got the ballots. Can't vote for yourself or president. Nobody cares. Doug, what do we got here? Band? Well. You can't vote for yourself or president. Nobody cares. Doug, what do we got here? Band? Well, band is the Drippy Drops. Okay.

And album by the Drippy Drops. Yeah, what do we got? It's called The Liquid Sounds of the Drippy Drops. I like that a lot. That's true. That's really good. And what's the song name? The song is called...

Drip. Oh, that's sexy. Gotta hear Drip from Liquid Sounds of the Drippy Drops by the Drippy Drops. We got Drip from the Drippy Drops of the album The Liquid Sound of the Drippy Drops coming up next. That's not bad. 97.4. Alright, Kellen. I got

the Auto Erotobon. They're like a European band. And they off their album Das Goodbelt. Their single is Brunhildas. Oh, I like that one.

Brunhilde's dot dot dot. By the way, Doug didn't say who dumped it. I was going to go back, Doug. Who's shitting the tub? Man, honestly, I think it was the Chinese dude. There's a Mexican that works at the Chinese restaurant next to Holden's. I know him personally. Probably the worst fucking

Mexican food. Wait, Mexican doing Chinese or Chinese doing Mexican? Mexican delivering Chinese food. Ignacio. Nacho. Kellen, who took a shit in the tub? Either it's a prank because nothing was stolen or disturbed but the shit. That is

correct. Either it's somebody calculating. Seems like somebody said I rejected his advances. Kissel's getting salty. What do we got? Real salty here. Someone moves in next door to me

and tries to get close. You rejected my advances. All right. Jackie, what do we got? The band name is called Swoley Titty Girls. And then the album name is called Chuggin' on My Juggins.

They're all filled with milk. That's in the parentheses. All on stage where you have big breasts that shoot milk in the audience. They shoot milk out to the audience. It's not about the stage show. It's all about the squirting. There's a lot of squirting. Yeah, but that's all visual. The single is's gonna be called

The Milky Way And in quotations Is a To my pussy Okay And The Milky Way To my pussy

To my pussy Yeah yeah It's gonna be a lot more screaming Oh okay It's like a hardcore band Hardcore Swoley titty girls They're all fucking knocked up

Okay So they're all fucking milky And don't know what to do are they gonna go on tour with the drippy drops yeah they could

they could both tour with that band kitty remember them oh yeah yeah yeah I remember all right

all female band okay who done it of course it's fucking Lexi I'm sorry Lexi

we will be here next week Lexi. I'm sorry. What the fuck? He will be here next week. That's two pigs weeks. Lexi did it. All right, Cronin's scared. Rehearsing her story. Corey, I'm bagging Ed for a second. Corey, what are you doing? What's your album?

What's your album? Okay, so when I went and I got my motorcycle license. Okay. I had to take this. That's a great idea for you, by the way. Yeah, it is. You should drive it real fast on the highway. Why do you just like me? I've been nothing but nice to you, by the way. Yeah, it is. Why do you dislike me?

I've been nothing but nice to you. He's evil. So I took that course, right? And they play these stupid videos and stuff. So my band is actually going to be called, it's going to be this shitty indie kind of emo band. It's called Flowers for Your Motorcycle. Okay, Flowers for Your Motorcycle.

I already have the.com so there's a plug. Fantastic. And the first hit or the album name is called ATG ATG ATG, all the gear, all the time. That's just, you know.

That's for safety. People can say like a short name for it because it's like they're bigger fans. Yeah, yeah. H-H-H-T. At-Gat. Yeah, exactly. At-Gat.

And the single is Splatter on a Semi. Splatter on a Semi. It's a cautionary tale. I do like Splatter on a Semi. Who shit the tub? I'm sticking with Ben and his apprentice. There you go. I do like that idea.

Well, that's why I don't like you, Corey. No. You liked him earlier when he mentioned the apprentice. He do like that idea. Well, that's why I don't like you, Corey. You liked him earlier when he mentioned The Apprentice. He's never liked me. I'm just going to let Corey speak for me. Oh, my God. All right, Mike. All right, well, I will say the band name is The Unknown.

The Unknown. It already exists. It probably already exists. It probably already exists, but fuck them. My band's going to be way better. All right. All right. The album name.

You took notes. I did. I had to think about this because you threw me on the spot here. Yeah. So I had to think quick. So that's why it might not be as funny. It's been 20 minutes. The title of the album is You'll Never Know. You'll Never Know.

Unknown is You'll Never Know. Song title. Sounds like he's admitting something. It sounds like you'll never know. Unknown. You'll never know. Coming from the girl who blamed my brother who was in South Carolina last week. I don't know, he's pretty

fucking shifty for a rich man. Hide behind your fucking money, your whole family. I hate the rich. Y'all and your money. Shit wherever you want to shit. Sweetheart, you can look at my bank account anytime you want. Give me the bank account.

Alright, song name for the unknown. I'm sorry, I forgot it now. The Stranger did it. Stranger did it. And I'm sorry I forgot it now is the name of the song.

Rich Man Epps. See, I can't have that reputation because I'm not. You're going to get me mugged on the street of New York. Absolutely. And they're going to get nothing from me and be really disappointed. Even though you claim to. I wash my feet.

Dirty feet. All right, Ed. The Unknowns. Cleveland, Ohio's favorite punk band. Who do you think the shitter was? We kind of did with the title. The title? Oh, yeah.

You said it was yourself. Stranger. I think somebody actually just walked into our apartment. I think I might have messed up and left the door unlocked. I think I might have messed up. Somebody came in. What makes a mess?

Did you have to make a mess? Well, because normally I don't leave that place without locking it. Maybe I fucked up one time and I didn't lock it. I messed in my it. Yeah, I gotta make a mess in my nest. Hey, listen, and I would put my hand to the Bible. I did not shit the tub.

One. The Bible isn't real. Put your fucking dick on the Koran. Us southern folk, we believe in it, but you know. Brown babies and all. And Holden will tell you, he's been to my church many times growing up. Yeah, they made me go if I spent the night on a Saturday night.

Right. Praise Jesus. Thank God. All right, Ed? All right, the name of the band is The Bloody Cucumbers. All right. The name of the album is No Cumber Left Behind. Okay.

And then... You can't say cumbersome, by the way, for this. It's good. Oh, no, no, no. And then the name of the song is... Engelbert Cumberbatch. Cumberbatch. Oh, Cumberbatch.

Oh, no, it's... You make me cum. You make me cum, please. Yeah. And the name of the song is She's Still Asleep No money to be made with that Who's shitting a tub? Alright, so it's either

Lexi or you That's not me I told you, it's me if it happens again I wish, I wish If someone approached me with it It's either the woman I love or who? A stranger. Okay.

Or a complete stranger. Kind of still like the landlord theory. They want you out of there. They want to hike up that rent. Ben, f***. Edit that out, Marcus. God. Watch your f***ing mouth, people. It's a felony, Marcus. I. Watch your fucking mouth, people.

It's a felony, Marcus. I'm going to get home an hour later tomorrow. That's usually what happens because all you fucking assholes. Just have the beef, Randy. Holden's my name and rapes my game. Holden, there's hope. Why? What did I?

Can you edit that out? No, I'm not going to edit that out. No. That should never be your game, sir. That game sucks. Not a good game. So what are we doing, Marcus? Let's go. Let's bring this home. I don't know.

Oh, this. I'm sorry. Go ahead, buddy. I'll go after you. What do you need? I was just going to say we're going to have a trial for this poop gate. I've so decided. What's the trial? No, this is just an interrogation. This is the police aspect. September 7th.

The Cave Comedy Radio sausage party bash. Is this an actual date? September 7th. We're doing a big bash here. Everyone's going to not care about this anymore. Marcus is the judge. Why is Marcus the judge? Because he's always the judge.

He's a judge. It's like I said, yeah, but Marcus has as much to do with this as anybody. Marcus isn't strong enough to be the judge. I have to be the judge. No, you're not the judge. You're a suspect. I'm not a suspect. You're a clear suspect. Corey, you're the judge.

I'm fine with being the judge. I'll come back. All right, Marcus, you're the judge. You would be a great judge. All right, Marcus, so whose band are you signing, you would be a great judge. Too envious. All right, Marcus, so whose band are you signing and who's shitting the tub at this point? All right, well, who's shitting the tub? I mean, Stranger, absolutely.

I mean, you're a judge. You're supposed to be impartial when you go into fucking trial. What are you doing? You already fucking blew the roll. You failed the test. Now, whose fucking band are you picking up? We'll find the judge. No, no, no, no.

I'm going to be the judge. I'm going to call you to the fucking interview and testify. I'd call the judge to the stand. I got no problem with that. Wait, let's take a look at the lawyers. I second that. We're all the lawyers. We're all lawyers here.

Yeah, we're all lawyers. Everybody in favor say aye. It's all ad hoc. I'm the victim and I get a special chair. You're not the victim. Absolutely. How are you the victim? Lexi's the victim. Lexi's you the victim? Lexi's the victim.

Lexi's not the victim. Lexi's the perpetrator. Only person I see is off the hook is Mike. I don't know why. No, Mike's guilty. No, I get, yeah, Mike's off the hook.

No, you're not off the hook. Mike is the last one. His girlfriend, though. I wouldn't do that. Don't know about that. Okay. Always. Now, wait a minute.

She's been to our apartment for 10 minutes. 10 minutes. How long has this been going on? Holden had eyes on her the entire time. Who knows where the fuck that place is? It was a week and a half before this. Sometimes when people go on flights, they get nervous. And when they get nervous, they poo-poo out their butt.

Shit, shit, shit. She left the day after all this was found out. Day after. Right. I also heard she's a registered Jape befriender. Oh. By London, you mean fucking Japan?

Because I've fucking heard this story before. Nepal. All right. That's the round table. We'll figure it all out September 7th on the trial. Yeah, we'll figure out the trial of the round table, gentlemen. The trial of the mystery pooper.

I'm just thankful to be clear. Who won it, Marcus? I don't know. The Drippy Drops. That's Jackie, Eddie, myself, Molden, Kevin. September 7th, the CCR Sausage Party. All your favorite shows will be here.

All the great cave comedy radio artists. I thought this was the sausage party. I don't know what happened. Problem is, they'll all know exactly where we're asses are fucking September 7th, so I guess that fucking tub's getting shit in again. Very good. And also, if you do shit in the tub,

we will put you in prison and beat you. Well, it's actually not a felony to dump in a tub. To break into an apartment, maybe. Breaking and entering, yeah. Unless Mike left the door open again. It's like walking and entering. Yeah, it's just entering. It's entering.

Which is actually legal to do. It's a felony. Good night, everyone. All right. Thank you, Doug. Don't drink alone. Thanks.