The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 208: Hey Succotash

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

This week on Round Table: a couple of Juggalos burn off a man's arm in an attempt to remove an ICP tattoo they felt he didn't deserve, an elderly veteran is caught slipping knitting needles into various meats in a local supermarket, and, most importantly, the only witness to the actual poop, Holden's girlfriend Lexi, comes into the studio to testify! Also joining us: Michael Che and Amber Nelson!

The Round Table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay out, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the Round Table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Oh, hey, who's Fred? I think you are. Alright, who's praying? I think you are. No, because Corey Griffin took my spot last month. Or last week. Yeah, that would be either Che or Amber. Michael Che, do you want to pray for us?

How about we both pray, Che? At the same time. I'll be God and you be doing the prayer. Oh, man. I can't pray. Okay, I'll pray. Dear Lord. Yes, I'll pray. Dear Lord. Yes? Hey.

Jesus, Lord. I didn't know that. First of all, I just want to say thank you. Thank you for everything. Thank you for my three consecutive, three consecutive, three consecutive Roundtable of the Year awards. I don't believe in God. I'm sweating just being around. And I also want to say that please bless all of these

Pabst Blue Ribbons because there's a lot of people out there drinking Pabst Red Ribbons and that ain't as good as first place. Amen? Was there a Red Ribbon? No. There's no Red Ribbon. No Red Ribbon. What happened to my brain?

Welcome to the round table of gentlemen and everybody. Sitting in for Jackie Zebrowski, we've got the beautiful... Amber Nelson. I should have known there was no red ribbons. I got confused there. Red ribbons second place. I was lying.

I just wanted you guys to like me. Everyone loves you. Michael Che is here as well. Hi. Round three time. Round table. Could you please say that? It is just...

Three time round... If you're going that? It is just three time round. If you're going to introduce somebody, you introduce them correctly. Ed, how would you introduce? Shit head Michael Che is here. How do you build up Michael Che? How do you? I mean, how do you build up a skyscraper? It's already there.

That's pretty beautiful, man. Oh, my goodness. All right. All right. I'm Ed Larson. Holden. Humble tiny man. Oh my goodness. All right, all right. I'm Ed Larson. It's the humble tiny man. Fuck your hoe. I said it.

Lexi's here. How you doing, Lexi? What do you think about the Holdenator's hoe thing? I don't know. I try to ignore it mostly. Does he scream it in bed? Sometimes. I mean, it's right before things are about to get tough.

Now, how nasty is it having sex with Holden? All right, we'll get to that. Lexi, we'll get to that. The goodies might want to play some grabsies. All right. What do you prefer, Holdenator's hoe or Here Comes the Goo? Ooh. Let's let her think about it.

Kevin, you're here. Yeah, I'm here, man. All right, then I'm here, man. He was like... All right, then I'm here, too. So, Lexi, what do you like better, Holden and her so, or... Here comes the goo. I like Holden and her so.

Because, you know. She calls my dick and balls Goofy Jones. No, I don't. What's it like? Yeah. What are they like there, Lexi? Lexi, you were a former lesbian. Holden is the first man you've ever been with.

So how does it feel to be with a weaker species? So many things wrong with that statement, Ben. That I called him a man? Oh, no. Yes, he's the first fella that I've dated in a very long time. That I've been in a relationship with. Well, it must be nice to be in a relationship where the threat of physical abuse doesn't exist. He's weak.

That's true. Maybe tonight I could get a looky-loo. Lexi, never show him any of your things. Don't worry. Lexi, you're very attractive. I bet you were cleaning up with the lesbians. Oh, thank you. Her up with the lesbians. Oh, thank you.

Her ex is like smoking. Really? Have you ever fantasized about that, Holden? D. Her name is D? Yeah, Danielle. She's pretty hot. Yeah.

Has Holden ever tried to get both of them in the bed? No. Both her breasts? Absolutely. Don't be gross. What's wrong with you? Your girlfriend's here. I thought you were going to try to be like...

He's on a mission to make me very unattracted to him kind of a lot lately. He's always sort of like an earthworm, but today he's become like a mucus. After the show last night, now this thing that's happening? Call the doctor. Yeah, Murder Fist had their great sketch show at the pit last night, now this, with this thing that's happening, it's, no. Call the doctor.

Yeah, Murder Fist had their great sketch show at the pit last night. What is that? That is the third Saturday of every month, right? Second Saturday of every month.

Second Saturday at the pit. Sing the song from Talon's show. My name's George and I can do something you cannot do. Suck my own cock,

suck my own dick, suck until the comet makes me sick. That was from last night's show, in case you missed it. I'm sure Lexi's happy she doesn't have to do it for you. That was me playing the role of Raunchy Nibbins. It's always a different adjective. New character I've come up with.

Of course, Lexi is involved in Poopgate 2014, where, of course, she shat in our tub. But let's get to a news story first, Marcus. A disabled veteran who uses a portable oxygen tank has admitted to putting sewing needles into packaged meat, and he's told the FBI he has no idea why. Avers said, according to an affidavit by FBI Special Agent Daniel Cook, every now and then I would stick one in a hamburger. Mostly hamburger. A couple times I did it with a roast.

Maybe a pork chop. Every now and then. He says that he didn't know what he was thinking at the time and he had no reason for doing it. He said, just for the hell of it. Just a fucking prick. Jay, what do you think is the most offensive food that he stuck these needles into? I don't know.

How did he stick it in the hamburger? Did he stick it sideways into the... He just took a sewing needle and just pushed it into the hamburger. Put it in. Somebody else's hamburger? Yeah, he was at a supermarket and he just pushed needles into the meat. I think the hamburger is the most dangerous and most offensive because you bite right

into it. A pork chop, you have a knife and a fork you can kind of hear the metal on metal activity happen. Plus you're so excited every time you're eating a hamburger. Right. You're grilling meats. You're grilling. It's a celebration. But he didn't put it in a hot dog. Hot dog's a good one though.

You take a big, like, sewing needle-sized bite. Right. Dude, I wonder if anyone got killed. Officials identified seven incidents and said that one buyer reported being stuck in the hand and one found a needle in her mouth, but that no serious injuries resulted.

I feel like you can just swallow that fucking thing. Yeah. Like a chicken bone. Maybe it was that portable oxygen tank. There's no reason why they should have said that in the story. They're just making fun of him. The security video led the man

who led to Avers who carried oxygen and used motorized carts when shopping at the store. Did he work at the store or was he just a dude at the store just doing it? Just a dude at the store. I kind of love this guy. What do you mean you love this guy? He was in a wheelchair putting needles in all the meat.

That's funny. If you just saw a random dude in a wheelchair scooting up to the meat section just putting needles in it I wouldn't rat him out. You wouldn't rat him out? I wouldn't buy the meat.

That's funny. That's his revenge. It does sound like the type of thing high school Ben would have done. It feels like a fingernail's funny. A booger's funny. Ew. No, boogers are disgusting. Well, you know, a needle,

that really hurts him. Amber, needle or booger, what would you rather have to have in your mouth? You can spit it out. Needle. That's what I'm saying. Needle? I would rather a needle than a booger.

Jay, what do you think? A booger is... I'm certain I've eaten boogers. I don't think... Somebody else's boogers, not your boogers. Of course I've had somebody's booger. I eat fucking everything. I'm always eating my own boogers.

I can't get enough of them. Amber can't deal with it. It's so gross, man. You gotta think of all the things that you've probably eaten in New York City. That's what I'm saying. I've definitely eaten a booger before. And rat meat. But a fucking needle? Come on, man.

I was at a restaurant in the deep south with a family member of mine that's very racist. And I was a kid. Like eight years old. And he was shouting the N-word at the restaurant. What's the N-word? Needle. He was shouting that. And of course, there's black people working there.

And I was like, please stop doing that, Uncle Phil. Please stop. His name was Uncle Phil? Yeah. And so the waitress, who was a black woman, brought over the grits, and she handed it to him, and she's like, this is for you, sir. We made it special.

And he was like, no, it's for Amber. She ordered it. And I was like, but, okay. And the woman didn't want to hand me the grits. She was like, are you sure? Oh, there's shit in the grits. There's shit in the grits. You got the help grits.

I got the help grits. Oh, somebody dumped in the grits. Yeah, yeah. She did not want to give me the grits. Did you eat it? I did. Well, you got to. Big ass smile on, yeah. She did not want to give me the grits. Did you eat it? I did. Well, you got to. Big ass smile on her face.

She didn't want to eat it. She didn't eat them grits. Oh, my God. Well, you should have never. Why would you do that? She's eight. She don't know. As a kid.

Oh, you're eight. Yeah, yeah. As a little kid. What do you think it was? Do you think it was poo-poo? Or do you think it was pee-pee? I think it was like spit. Well, grits are white, right?

It was white, yes. It definitely spit. It has to be like cereal or cum. Cummy cum, it could have been. I don't know. If you ate it now, you don't have to call it cummy cum. Were there lump lumps in the gummy cum? How do you do it, Lexi?

She is my queen. Lock it out. What do you think? Emotionally and mentally. Just to deal with it. With the video games and then the lumpy neck. But he's so sweet. He makes up for it.

And she loves a ride on the log flim. Oh, okay. Take it all. Take it all? so sweet. He makes up for it. And she loves a ride on the log flume. I would rather eat boogers and a fucking needle than hear or think about that again. It would make me so happy if this podcast ended your relationship. Lexi, what can we do to get you out of

this relationship today? Lexi, what can we do to get you out of this relationship today? Lexi, we care about you. You can live a better life. You don't have to live like beautiful women that took showers and took care of themselves. Beautiful vaginas. I miss it.

I miss your women. What's that, Michael? What were you saying? Ed Lawson was saving my life. I miss your women. What's that, Michael? What were you saying? Nothing. Ed Lawson was saving my life. Good God. All right. So this fellow puts needles.

Did he get caught or did he confess? He got caught. Well, it's very easy to catch. Yeah, yeah. They got caught because someone had reported that they found a needle in part of their hamburger, pork chop, or whatnot. a needle in part of their hamburger or pork chop or whatnot. They checked the security cameras and they saw that there was an old 68-year-old Vietnam veteran

sticking needles into the hamburger. He served the country. That's why we lost that fucking war, man. We had guys like him. That's how we lost the war. That's how we would have won the fucking war. If they would have just let this guy in all the goddamn Vietnamese supermarkets.

This guy is an American. He had a strategy, Vietnam. He had a strategy to put all the needles in all the meats in Vietnam, and they said he was crazy. Philly is very, like, saw-like, you know? Yeah. I like to be doing that.

I saw that needle pit scene recently. I've never actually seen a saw needle. Oh, I love the heroin scene. The heroin needles, the woman gets thrown down in there. Big pit of needles. Oh yeah, brutal stuff. Sounds like fun.

It was a great scene. It was like Indiana Jones with the snakes. Yeah, pretty much. You know my thing with the difference between eating the needle and eating a big fat bug is like, do you have to then get a tetanus shot after that if you eat the needle? Because if you eat the needle and you have to get a tetanus shot, we're talking about more than just eating a needle here. We're talking about shots.

Isn't it like in your stomach or something? I think it's rabies, but a tetanus shot is no picnic. Okay. I think it's in the thigh, but I think it's very fucking painful. Lexi, yours get her snakes, but you're dating a lizard. You know, I'm not really afraid of things with knees. Just worms and, you know, caterpillars, millipedes, snakes, things like that. Things that, you know, just kind of...

Quit making me hungry. Millipedes have knees, right? They got them little legs that come out. They do, but, you know, anything that's like squir that's squirmy, although it's not really saying much. Fucking puddle of a boyfriend. Lexi, did you shit in the tub? No, sir. Should we get to that?

I have a theory. Oh, right. A new theory. A new proof case has been going on. Che, have you been following this story at all? I have just caught up on it, but my Netflix was out, so I haven't heard all of it. It's all over the Molly Ringwald's

going to play Lexi in the made-for-TV movie. It's going to be huge. So someone shat in our tub, and it's probably Lexi. Lexi found the poo-poo. She found it. Who smelled it, dealt it. Who shat it, stepped in it. It's impossible.

Tell us exactly what happened, Lexi. Don't give me that look. She has a history of sleepwalking. As a child. This is what happened. I, let's see, Holden woke up

kind of early that day. Went on a run. No, he didn't. That's lie number one. Went on a run. No, he didn't. No, he did not. That's lie number one. Went on a run. Went to go hang with my boys by the bars. You know those dudes who lift themselves up at the bars? I hang with them.

He doesn't lift himself up. He just hangs there. He dangles. So he left around, what was it, like noon? Yeah, something like that. yeah i was strong i was up late and so i was sleepy and i kind of hung out in his room till around four o'clock she could not escape that's when i finally figured out how to leave the room i solved all the puzzles um anyway so uh i went and you know i was gonna take a shower so i went and, you know, I was going to take a shower. So I went into the bathroom, hung up the towel, turned on the water, peed into the toilet.

And so at this point, I was like, God, it really stinks in here. But then I was like, you know, it's this bathroom. Of course it does. And then I stepped into the shower and I was like, no, it's like really, it's terrible. It's, it's getting worse. I look down and there is a small pile. How big is the pile? This is the one of the millions we don't know.

Give us the, like, do one of these. Like this. Kevin, how interested are you? Wow. So that's a big, healthy pile. Let's say cookie size. I turned on the water, so the water was hitting it, and it was hitting it for the duration of me peeing.

How high up, though? How high was the pile? It wasn't. It was like a splatter. It was like a splatter. And how long do you piss? Oh, let's see. I hadn't really been-

No. Don't. You don't have to answer that. That's so rude. It depends on how many you like. No, it's fine. Pertinent question. Objection overruled, sir.

We're talking poop. Objection overruled. Oh, God. Che, you got a stink face on. Oh, boy. Oh, God. It was maybe about a minute. Okay, so a nice lengthy piss that a person would like to enjoy to watch.

Was there any food? Any food in the poo-poo? Yeah, corn, fingernails. No, no. I found a shard. It was a healthy brown. Okay, and it was towards the edge of the side. So I then, of course, did everything I could to get it down the drain.

You didn't use your foot, though, did you? No. To push it down the drain? No. That's just for me. I used the shower head. Okay. Oh, and did any of it get on the curtain? Yeah, it was definitely on the curtain.

That changes shit right now. It was definitely on the curtain. Because there was like a little bit still on the side of the edge of the toilet. That means it's possible that someone could have done it whilst in the shower. Sure. Okay. Like whilst taking a shower. Oh fuck.

My initial reaction was that somebody sharted and it was Kissel. But then I learned. Well his only initial reaction. I don't blame you. But then I learned he hadn't been there for a couple days. I don't know. I don't think if someone. if you in the if you in the shower i was working

michael if okay go ahead i was working in the shower he wasn't saying you specifically it was a general you and you up in the end if someone shat in the shower you would you would you would clean it because you have the water running you would definitely clean because you have the water running. You would definitely clean it because you don't want anybody to find your shit. Right. Unless you're too tall to see that far down. That's true. That's a good point. I wear contacts. I've never been 6'14 before.

Well, that's 17, so I haven't either. 6'14. Are you kidding me? Never forget. Good God. What's wrong with you? Do you guys do a lot of anal? No.

He never puts on your old tush though. I'm scared of that part. You and her. Well, that's a good question. Do you strap it on and make him feel like a real guy? Oh, I've tried. I really wanted to, but he wouldn't let me. Is that true?

You wanted to though? I wanted to. And you wouldn't let him? Why? He wanted her to strap it on wouldn't let me. Is that true? You wanted to, though. I wanted to. And you wouldn't let him. Why? He wanted her to strap it onto her breasts. Maybe this was... Jesus Christ, man. You know?

To me, that's... Would you face her if she strapped it onto her breasts? Look, if somebody says to me, hey, do you want to get titty fucked? I expect a certain kind of titty fuck. Like a dildo between and then you sit. I'd say one on each nipple sticking out. You know? And then just pump, pump, pump. Gives her a little

workout. If anybody wants to see, I'm just kind of going back and forth using both the dicks on the tits. Right, right. I never thought about it like so appropriately. No one has. That is a true original thought.

I actually think if you talk about titty fucking, that should be what it is. It's two dildos on the nipples of the woman that you're putting your butt on. There are not many sentences that have never been uttered. That's definitely one

that we can mark off the list. Hell yeah. Utters. Oh my goodness. So yeah, I think it's very possible. Ben's only alibi is that he was watching dogs. You were watching, but nobody saw you. Nobody knows.

Your alibis are dogs. My alibi is a camera that saw me go take care of dogs. Well, let's see the footage. Let's bring in the footage. I'll bring in the footage. You have a camera of you taking care of dogs. There's multiple cameras of me taking care of the dogs. Of course I was taking care. I've never shat in the shower. I shit on the

toilet seat. Everybody knows it. And yeah. No, I'm clean. What if you shat on the toilet seat and then you were like alright, I'm done. And then you went and showered. I wasn't there. So it doesn't matter because I wasn't there. Well, now it could be a different time.

It could have happened before Holden was in the shower. Mike took a shower after Holden took a dump where he stood up. But now it was on the inside of the tub where the curtain was. So it could have been there for all three showers and it was done the night before now. Did the shit have some kind of crustacean at all? A little bit on the side, yeah. And yes, the one that I found. So it looked old.

Was it old poop? The water was hitting it for a while, so I couldn't tell if it was old, but Mike had taken a shower that day. And he didn't see it. How would you not? How would you miss it? It's really that. You're not doing your job. You walk in, you shut How would you miss it? It's really that. It was that I'm over this part of the show. You're fucking not doing your job.

You walk in. You shut the curtain behind you. Then the poop's covered by the curtain. You shower. You get out. The poop's still there. You don't even know it was there. All three of you showered with it.

It happened the night before possibly. But she said she smelled it, which means that it was probably pretty fresh. This old shit dies. The smell of it dies. I have one thing, though means that it was probably pretty fresh. This old shit dies. The smell of it dies. I have one thing, though. I took a big stinky dump. Yeah. Three hours before.

But before, you know, Mike went in there, so it was already stinking and smelling and bad. But she said it got worse as she got. It's very worse. Mike definitely went in after you. Definitely. And took a full shower. Now, how far back was the doo-doo? Like, was it at the tip of the tub?

No, no. The initial splattering pile was towards the center. It wasn't all up in the curtain. There was some up in the curtain. But the biggest part was in the center of the tub-ish towards the side. And towards the drain. So it wasn't all the way back. Yeah, no way no other person could take a shower and it wouldn't splatter on that shower.

The water. The water wouldn't splatter on the poop. And in Jackie's absence, just to clear the airwaves because she brought it up before, she wanted to ask if you shaved your legs on the side of the tub and if you did it naked and could have possibly sat down on the side and then poopied. No, I avoid being naked in your shower even when I am showering.

That's true. Yeah, that's a good, that's a very good practice. How do you avoid being naked? Well, no. She puts clothes on. I put clothes on. Well, she's in the shower.

Yeah. I stepped in the shower with my bra and panties on accidentally before. You did? I was like, what? What am I doing? Hot stuff. Yeah, yeah. Is it? Yeah, like, what? What am I doing? Hot stuff.

Yeah, yeah. Is it? Yeah, it's all wet. I don't think it is. I think it's hot or naked. No, it's fun because then you get to rip something off of a person. God damn. That's good.

You're the rapist that's smoking. No. Michael, what is wrong with you? That's insane. I blame you for this whole goddamn thing. How's your life going, Mike? Not bad, man. Nobody's shitting my shower.

No one's shatting ours either, except for Lexi, Holden's girlfriend. I'll be honest with you. I kind of think you did it, Lexi. Oh, and he's on television. This is crazy. No one watches my show. You know what

if I had to if I had to point the blame I would say Lexi you know for one reason because I feel like I wasn't there I don't think

you would've did it cause I feel like you if you would've did it you would've probably confessed to it and it would've been a bit and a bit of funny yeah yeah yeah

and I feel like Holden would've thought the same. But why would she tell me? Huh? Why did she tell me? I think she just didn't want to clean it up. Marcus has an idea. I have a theory.

This is not my own personal theory. One of the listeners, this guy Mike Gill, that hangs out here at the Creek a lot. Oh, yeah, Mike. Mike, big fan of all of our shows, put forth a theory. Lexi is cheating on Holden. Whoa!

Lexi is cheating on Holden. Whoa! Lexi is cheating on Holden and has been for a while and so after the apartment was empty, Lexi gets a little bit sloppy. She's getting a little bit adventurous here. So she thinks what she can do is she can have sex with

her male or female partner Double partner possibilities. Two people? Or all With her male or female partner. Double partner possibilities. Two people? Or all six billion and some. And so the sex happens. Everything's done. The guy or girl's on their way out. And they think that this is the perfect time to establish dominance over Holden, the man who is holding back your love.

Marking your territory. Marking your territory. Marking your territory. That's right. So they go into the bathroom. They take a shit without you knowing. And so you don't know who shat in the tub. So that is why you tell Holden about the shit in the tub because you don't know that it was your lover.

That's a goddamn ingenious plan. I'm sold. Brilliant. I like it. Yeah, man. Lexi, have you made the right decision to cheat on Holden? No, I've never cheated on Holden. I think the only way we can clear the air is if she lets us all look at her vagina right now. No.

I might now consider cheating on you. Please. You know, Kevin's very attractive. Oh, my goodness. All right, let's get to another story. We'll come back to Poopgate. I think Michael Che is onto something, though. It's very possible that it's Lexi.

I still think it's a stranger. It's possible. I mean, the stranger is the most plausible. Either way, we will stop. Once again, August 31st, right here at the Cricket in the Cave, we will be doing the trial of the mystery pooper. And we will guarantee we will have a definitive answer on who was the pooper. I think someone walked in there and shit in their tub.

I'm starting to believe the animal theory. It wasn't a lot of shit. Was it a bear? No, like a small critter. Like a raccoon. It was a pile. It was a cookie-sized pile. Black and white cookie.

No, but yeah, like a raccoon-sized poop or a big squirrel. A raccoon could shit out a pile. Yeah, was a pile. It was a cookie-sized pile. Black and white cookie. No, but yeah, like a raccoon-sized... That's a raccoon-sized poop or a big squirrel. Yeah, a raccoon could shit out a big pile. Yeah, definitely a cookie-sized pile. I don't know about a squirrel, because squirrels are pellet-based animals. Do raccoons do the... Just like a pit pit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I got you. Raccoon feces, I'm on it. Yeah, raccoon feces, rat feces. And then how's a raccoon going to get it all on a curtain, too? They're not just climbing up on a curtain and shit. Yeah, your curtain be ripped to shreds. It wasn't a raccoon. I've never seen a raccoon going to get it all on the curtain, too? They're not just climbing up on the curtain and shit. Yeah, your curtain be ripped to shreds. It wasn't a raccoon. I've never seen a raccoon in Brooklyn.

It was like a 6'8 raccoon from Wisconsin or something. That's fucking shit. Well, that's you. The president in Brooklyn, the bass player in our band, he lives out in Carroll Gardens, and apparently they're having a pretty bad raccoon problem over there right now. In Carroll Gardens? Yeah, so the baseball bat can't fix. So, yeah. Filthy animals. Yeah, so the baseball bat can't fix. So, yes.

Filthy animals. Wow, yeah. You know what? The raccoon theory, there is a picture out there of a cookie-sized pile of shit from a raccoon. Lexi, did it look like that? Let me see it again. Marcus, show Lexi.

Oh, oh, you know, that's pretty good because, like I said, the water had been hitting. It's not a raccoon. I don't know. The only way it's a raccoon is if it was a dude in a raccoon suit. Well, you never know what people are dressing like in Williamsburg. All right, all right, Margaret. Let's do another news story. All right, two men are facing attempted murder charges

In Maryland after allegedly trying to Forcibly remove an insane clown posse Tattoo off their roommate's arm Because they felt he hadn't Earned the right to wear it Authorities say the victim 31 year old Zachary Swanson Was so badly injured that doctors were

Forced to amputate his right arm Below the elbow So they tried to rip off his Skin and then were forced to amputate his right arm below the elbow. Whoa! So they tried to rip off his skin, and then they had to amputate? According to police, 33-year-old Paul Martin Hurst and 35-year-old Carrie Lee Edwards. Hold on. Let's hold on for a second. All of these guys are in their 30s.

You bring up a good... 33. Come on. The oldest is 35. What do you think about that? So he just got the tattoo at 33. Come on. The oldest is 35. What do you think about that? So he just got the tattoo at 33. No, the guy that had the tattoo, he was 31. The two guys that felt that he didn't deserve the tattoo, they were 33 and 35.

I mean, but they're kind of right. I mean, were they ICP fans? They must have been. They were huge juggalos. Oh, they're juggalos. Yeah. All of these guys are juggalos. And that's why they live together?

There's like a fucking message? That's why they're hanging out together at the very least. How do they earn a juggalo. Oh, they're juggalo. All of these guys are juggalos. And that's why they live together? That's why they're hanging out together at the very least. How do they earn a juggalo tattoo? By being like a fucking juggling juggalo, you know. You gotta spray Faygo on an old woman or something. Faygo, their soda, yeah.

They're a weird bunch. I would say if you wanted to know how to become a juggalo listen to the song What is a juggalo from the album great Malenko? Yeah, which me and Holden were both very much into in high school I like to feel like a fucking idiot What is a juggalo? I don't know It's not very definitive I'm real happy for them that they got a sketch show. That's real nice I'm really happy for them that they got a sketch show.

That's real nice. Jay, what do you think? Is ICP bad or are their fans just so bad? They're a victim of their own fans, don't you think? No, they're not. They have the fans. They deserve those fans. They earned it.

But I want to know what the fuck that they cut that tattoo off that made them have to amputate their arm. I'll tell you. According to police, 33-year-old Paul Martin Hurst and 35-year-old Carrie Lee Edwards savagely beat Swanson, then tried to unsuccessfully... Well, that's not how you get it off. Well, first they beat him up because he didn't deserve it. And then they tried to unsuccessfully carve the tattoo from his arm. And when that didn't work, the duo allegedly doused Swanson's arm with flammable liquid and set him on fire. Good Christ. I feel like that's doing all the heavy lifting there.

Yeah. You can just start with setting him on fire. That's guaranteed right there. You're trying to take my tattoo off. How? By setting me on fire? I think that's the bigger crime. Let's focus on that one.

Swanson was left on the floor for several hours before he was finally discovered and rushed to a hospital. He was then flown to a burn unit in Baltimore. What's too old for a tattoo? To get a tattoo? Like your first tattoo or worst tattoo? When your skin starts sagging. So 50, 60 something, I'd say. Well, you're 14 for me.

I'd say 60 is okay. I'd say 25. 25? I'm sort of with you. I'd say 60 is okay. I'd say 25. 25? I'm sort of with you. I feel like 18 to 21. See, if you don't have them by then, you shouldn't get them at all. Jackie's mom got a tattoo with Jackie, her first tattoo, and it was like a mother-daughter thing, which I think is kind of sweet.

That's different. And you know, I would argue that it's better to get a tattoo later on in life because you have a better idea of what you want. I got three tattoos between 18 and 21. They're fucking stupid. I don't want them. Damn. I got some lighter fluid I could douse on you. We could try to burn them off you.

I fucking wish to God that the tattoo age was raised to 21. That's true. Different life. Everything should be 21. Sorry, Richay. No, yeah, you're should be 21 Driving? Yes, absolutely Fuck those little idiots I would have a sweet limp biscuit tattoo

If I was allowed to get one at 16, 17 I'd have Professor Frank Holding a couple beakers Professor Frank from the Simpsons saying McGuigan Which is fucking That's good, that's a good idea Sounds racist I wanted to get a beer lover tattooed on my ass cheeks That's good. That's a good idea. Sounds racist. I wanted to get

a beer lover tattooed on my ass cheeks. That's fun, though. I always thought you still should get beer lovers tattooed to your ass cheeks. That's kind of evergreen,

though, Ben. Well, you never know. I might start drinking whiskey at some point. What do you think, Jay? Yeah, what do you think? I think I would've

probably had, like, Thug Life or something on my stomach. Thug, really? Just because Tupac had it when I was 12. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a good thing you do. You think that's what you're supposed to do? I still might get it.

Who knows? I don't have abs, so it would be. You have abs. No, I don't. Yeah, yeah. They're just covered by a bunch of lard. Oh, then you should write me another one. Same here.

That doesn't seem nice at all. Michael, Michael, give me some money. Is this how you treat three-time roundtable of the year, Michael Che? Leave it alone. I really feel underappreciated. I'm sorry, Michael. Good God. The man came here in horse and carriage.

I mean, what do you want me to do, man? Nothing. I was promised white gloves. No one's wearing white gloves. Are you kidding me? It's permanent on my skin. God made me with white gloves. White socks, too, except for my right leg, which is all blood clots.

Does everybody have a tattoo here? No. No tattoos. No one has a tattoo. Lexi, you get a tattoo? I'm the only one. You have four tattoos. She's got a tramp stamp. Hell yeah. What's the tramp stamp of? It's stupid. It's has a tattoo. Lexi, you get a tattoo? No, I'm the only one. I have four. You have four tattoos. She's got a tramp stamp. Hell yeah.

What's the tramp stamp of? It's stupid. It's a home tattoo. It's hearts. Oh, that's kind of fun. That's nice, though. That's nice. What's your favorite tattoo that you got? The one on my belly. Which one is that? I have one on my lower stomach. I have Celtic knot work on my belly with the female symbol. I got that,

of course, when I was 18 years old. That's great. When was your first hot lesbian experience? You know what? It took us 32 minutes and 15 seconds to get to that. I'm proud of you, Ben. Thank you. Like you really,

I mean, it doesn't even have to be like a hot lesbian experience. It could just be any lesbian experience. Was it a teacher? An older woman? No, never really. Never really.

Everybody's being quiet. Do you really want me to? Yeah. woman? No, never really. Everybody's being quiet. Do you really want me to? I'm 16. 16! And she was 16 as well. Big breasts. Small ones. Did you meet at Home Depot? Hot stuff.

High school. Went to a very artistic high school. I'll tell you, a lot of people look at buttholes. Who's looking at buttholes? You like buttholes? That's so gross. You talk about eating ass. I have hemorrhoids and like a little balloon.

Well, I can get enough of yours. What's wrong with you? What? Women need to not do that. What, have hemorrhoids? Lots of women have hemorrhoids. Yeah, but they shouldn't. Especially women who've had children.

You ever had a child? Not that I know of. Yeah. There's a three-year period. What's your thoughts on the butthole? What's my thoughts on the butthole?

I don't mind a little winky poo or whatever. That's right. It's not the worst thing in the world. It's the pinkest part of the human body.

Wow, sometimes. I don't know. That's hard to get. No, I've seen, I don't know, man. I've seen a lot of brown buttholes. Oh, man. I don't know. It's hard. I don't know, man. I've seen a lot of brown buttholes. Oh, man.

I guess it depends what time you look at it. That's wild. But it was a hot lesbian experience, though, and you enjoyed her presence. Yeah, you just ruined the hot lesbian story. Yeah, it's about buttholes. We were getting in there good. I was learning about my own girlfriend. There's two vaginas, and you said, how about that butthole?

Let's get out of the butthole here people you're right I did ruin it they're sitting around drinking some wine like they're not dogs they're not just going straight for their butthole that's not what lesbians do they're just like hey you know what now that we've moved in together

which happened a day into seeing each other, let's look at those buttholes. Let's get in there. So you didn't see her butthole, huh? But you had a fun time with her. Sure. Nice. I want to know, what's girl and girl game?

What does a girl say to a girl that makes them, because you don't know who is straight and who wants to experiment. What do you say to a girl that gets her to hook up with you? Well I think in my situation I went to like an art school so it was very acceptable and like pretty much all the girls were like I'm bisexual you know so

and I was kind of the experiment for a lot of straight girls too so. That's fun. How did that make you feel? You're like the gatekeeper kind of thing. Do you like that? Like, listen, honey, this ain't for you. Go back to dick.

Seriously, a couple of them would be like, no, you are straight. But, you know, if you want to. Whenever you like turn to straight girl, do you spend a lot of time like laughing by yourself in the dark? I'll let you think that I do. I mean a coin through your finger. Yes,

another one. Is that harder for you? Like if you have sex with a straight girl as opposed to a gay girl where you're like No, a gay girl's hotter

because she enjoys it. Right. But like, alright. That's why she's ruined everything. I'm sorry. Do you think you'll go back?

I mean, you can't be with him forever. He's going to die in like three months. What, and never again get to experience my fucking Snoopy loads? I just thought of something, man. Maybe whoever's shat in this tub is one of your ex-girlfriends trying to get you to come back. She's got a couple of exes.

You go and you live with a bunch of dudes and you get shit all over the tub. You're like, I'm out. You see any of them recently? No, they don't live

in New York. They mostly live in Florida or Connecticut. Connecticut's not far. Connecticut's not far, yeah. But Florida seems very ambitious. And that's where

the crazy ones are. You know, you're in town for a weekend. Yeah. You know. So you're just driven to eat the pussy, huh? Very ambitious. And that's where the crazy ones are. You're in town for a weekend. So you were just driven to eat the pussy, huh? Because everyone loves that. I mean, it's wild.

Driven. Biologically driven to eat the pussy. Hold it. Is this 30 for 30? The Bo Jackson story. Bo Jackson was a lesbian Yeah yeah yeah Two sports Yeah he broke his tongue eating pussy because he never practiced

They wouldn't let him eat it in the 10th grade But in the 11th grade boys Don't tell me no He sprouted two inches And then he dislocated his jaw Because he was eating it too fast It was his own strength that got him in the end Then he dislocated his jaw because he was eating it too fast. It was his own strength that got him in the end.

But you enjoyed it, huh, Lexi? You enjoyed it. Of course. I love it. You do love it. And do you still crave it sometimes? You know, it's funny. And maybe this is a little too personal. You can literally say anything and Holden can never tell you that you were wrong because he is the grossest person ever.

You know, I honestly think it's hormonal. I think that I haven't been on birth control, unfortunately, for I'd say maybe about nine months. And I have felt myself being more attracted to women not on birth control and when I started taking it a couple years ago for endometriosis, when I started taking it

a couple years ago, that's when I was like, you know what? I do want to have a relationship with a guy and I started looking at men Are you the reason that Holden has grown tits?

Probably. How can you tell when a woman's not on birth control? How can you tell? You can tell? Can you tell if I'm on birth control orits? Probably. How can you tell when a woman's not on birth control? How can you tell? You can tell? Can you tell if I'm on birth control or not?

No. You can't? Oh, I thought you could tell. No, no. I'm saying like with me, I've found myself like going back to being more attracted

to women like I was for so many years. If she goes all the way back to the other side, I will cut my cock off. It's like Desperate Living, that John Waters movie. Commitment I'm willing to make. Wow.

It's already expired. It's going to fall off in a couple months. Oh my goodness. Yeah, he keeps making these noises at night. It's like snores at night. Is that what that is? I do see Holden's dick with a toe tag that they put on corpses, but he just has it on his fucking dong.

Soon to be fucking underground and gone. Chase, how's the Daily Show going, Chase? Michael Chase on the Daily Show. He's the new first part. It's not going anymore, man. Let's say here this fucking depraved I'm not going to hear this No one's listening We never recorded an episode

Did you know that? Oh man That's fantastic. Next news story. An Oklahoma teacher was arrested for allegedly showing up drunk, pantsless, and shoeless to school on her first day of the job. What? Shoeless? Lorianne Hill, 49, was arrested on Monday after she showed up for her first day of work at Wagoner High School. Intoxicated, pantsless, and shoeless.

I will be a teacher tomorrow. Who wants shots? Last night at Freedom. Bob Haley, police chief at the Wagoner Police Department, told ABC News she was found in an empty classroom by an assistant principal. He found her with no pants on. He has never seen her before. Man, that's great. Dude, I saw this sort of related.

Just people getting too hammered before or something that I would never get too hammered for. This guy, he was one of the werewolves in one of the Twilight movies, and there's a video of him in the middle of an airport just hammered, and he just pulls his cock out in the middle of the terminal and just pisses all over the floor that a cop tackles him to the ground. Oh yeah, I remember that. It's pretty amazing, man.

I can't believe you would just get that hammered and then go to an airport. But he's like 21. He's a fucking idiot. Yeah, I guess so. 21 is old enough to do a lot of things. You could pick the president by then, man. You think so? He's a werewolf in Twilight.

He's marking his territory. He just yanks it out. Yeah, here it is. There's the footage. Oh, wow, yeah. Look at that right there. Right in the middle of the terminal. Wearing a hoodie.

The cop's going to come in and tackle him. Who's holding him up? The security. The security guy. He is making quite the puddle on the floor there. Oh, it's a lot of piss. Oh, and he's even doing the circular motion, trying to get as much surface area as possible.

He's being a fucking prick about it. There are so many bathrooms in an airport. Oh, yeah. They're every ten feet. Just punch him. This is when they should have choked him. Just beat the fucking life out of this guy. What's great is if you look, he doesn't finish pissing, so he's just getting pissed all up on it. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. They should have waited like 10 more seconds to get pissed all over yourself.

No, fuck that. Let this guy piss all over himself. It's sitting it all day. Yeah. Why could he not have a record of selling loosies? Yeah. Risk report. What do you think?

Did we just witness white privilege? Did we get an extra 30 seconds of peeing in public? You just saw a white dude in a cowboy hat peeing in an airport. You know how illegal it is to do anything in a fucking airport? I can't pee in a bathroom in a fucking airport. They probably got off too. They probably got another movie off that shit.

Yeah, some shit, man. He was definitely fine. People watching that like it's a Broadway show. They're like a classic. What would you do if you saw somebody just randomly whip it out and pee?

It happens on the subway all the time. I guess you just... Videotape it. I feel like I'd be much more angry at an airport. You think so?

Yeah, because it's like $400 just to get in the building. You know, to me, it's funnier at an airport. I mean, that is really some shit right there to be pissed in the middle. Like, you got to be so...

Like, that's the one place where everybody needs to keep their shit together, you know, because, like... I feel like on the airplane, they do, but I would be... In the airport, I mean, it's just a big bar that happens to have things that fly up in the air. It's a bar first, plane second.

Yeah, but on the plane that would be upsetting that's how Ben looks at everything oh yeah everybody's hammered on a plane that's true

pilots fucking hammered sometimes oh yeah it's all autopilot now anyway yeah they're all trash I didn't start drinking on planes

until very recently it's way better it's better you can bring the little bottles on with you you get drunker on the fucking plane

yeah you get like... Smith. Huh? It's been busted. No. You don't get drunker. You get drunker and movies are funnier. Yeah.

It's because you're constantly like, this is the last, possibly the last drink I'll ever have and possibly the last movie I'll ever watch because the inevitability of death is so much higher. Who told you that? I just made it up. You just busted a myth by yourself? Yeah. You can't do that. Oh, you'd be amazed what I can do.

You need science and studies and shit. Asians have the biggest penises. You should do your own version of Mythbusters, man. Like, no, no, it's not real. That's right. Polish women don't have vaginas. Yeah. Didn't you know it? Barbie doll down there? Yeah, man. Like, no, no, it's not real. That's right. Polish women don't have vaginas. Yeah. Didn't you know it?

That's like a Barbie doll down there. Yeah, yeah. That's why I was cut out of my mother. There you go. Oh, here it is. There we go. And by the way, this guy that peed in the airport, the only thing he got charged with in that was public intoxication.

He didn't get charged with public urination. He didn't get charged with indecent exposure. There were probably minors around. He would be on a fucking sexual offender list. If he wasn't a werewolf in Twilight. Oh my God, I want to blow up everything. Shane, we're going to talk about that on Top Hat. We're going to talk about that Eric Garner thing.

So don't worry about it. Eric Garner. All right, that's enough of that. He'll be on next Thursday. What now? So they got peed in public there. When did this happen? A year and a half ago.

Two years ago. Yeah, a year and a half, two years ago. What a fucking ass. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, are you just saying that because you can't do it? I can do it. Women can't pee in public like that. I can pee anywhere I goddamn want.

I know, but you can't aim it so well. Yeah, I can aim. I can aim pretty well. How do you aim it? My clit is the size of a fucking dragon claw. There's a quarter across the room. She'll hit it without looking. That is great news.

It's a parlor trick? That means your clit's huge and dragons exist. In the old west, she would have been very expensive. I prefer peeing outdoors. I the old west, she would have been very expensive. Very. Oh, yeah. I prefer peeing outdoors.

I like peeing outdoors more than peeing indoors. Who doesn't? Do you agree? Yeah, of course. I peed outdoors yesterday. It was great. You did?

Because you have range to travel. You can spell your name. You can do all types of weird things. When did you pee outside? Rehearsal. I pissed in

Kellen's backyard. Interesting. So you don't necessarily use the bathroom when you have to do number one or maybe number two. If there's an option to go outside, sometimes I choose outside. Do you do number two outside? I've done it, not in years. I've never taken a shit outside. It's weird.

Yeah, it's really weird. You almost got me on that one, Jay. Now, maybe when I was a little baby, I think I remember making a mess in your bathtub. You almost got me on that one, Jay. Now, maybe when I was a little baby, I think I remember making a mess in the bathtub when I was littling. And I shat outside. Yeah, you never shat outside? With the leaves, have you used the leaves and stuff?

Jay, what's the worst poop story you have? Or pee. My story is when I was in seventh grade baseball, we went to an away trip and I peed in the coach's van and then I never saw him again because I was so sad. Because he went to prison? No.

No, he didn't make me do it on him and he didn't encourage the urination. I was too scared to ask him to pull over. You were too scared to ask him to pull over? I was a shy kid. And so you pissed yourself you were so shy? On the buses, on the way to and from school, I used to play a game. That's more than shy. That's retarded.

I used to play a game called how little words can I say? And I would never say a word. I mean, I would average about five or six, but I would never talk to anybody. I was terrified of them. What happened in those days? I don't know. I talk all the time. Jay, what do you think?

Well, I didn't know that was a serious. I thought that was just a gateway for you to tell your story about how you peed in front of a man. I didn't know you really wanted me to have a pee story. Bad poop story? I don't have a fucking bad poop. Bad poop story? I can't think of one.

I honestly can't think of one. Man, I had a bad poop story this fucking morning, man. What happened? It just took a lot of dumpers. Nice. Good for you, buddy. Chipotle. I used to be a nurse

and would show up drunk all the time because I was like 19. Just like this teacher. Because you were underage. And I showed up and they were like, oh, by the way, you got to clean up

this woman's diarrhea. And I was like, what? They slammed the door and then she shits herself immediately. And I got to clean it up and I got it in this bucket and it's all like I have to write down? They slammed the door. And then she shits herself immediately. And I got to clean it up. And I got it in this bucket. And it's all like, I have to write down what's in her shit. And I have to sort through it.

It was like, I remember there was corn and tomatoes. Because they wanted to see how her new medicine worked. And then I just sloshed it in the bathtub and quit. Corn and tomatoes? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is the most disgusting thing I've ever heard to be found in a stool. You got to make that money. You know what I mean?

They should have given her that nickname, though, afterwards. Corn and tomatoes. Start calling her corn and tomatoes. Hey, Succotash. Oh, this is great. We can fire the chef. This chick's shitting soup. Every day, corn and tomato soup. Yeah day. Why don't you get over here?

Yeah, put it in the fridge for a little while. No one will notice it's human dookie. How about you, Kevin? You have any poop stories? I don't think. No, nothing crazy. You shit outdoors ever? On a rooftop? In the woods? I think I've shat in the woods before.

Oh, yeah. Shat your pants? I'm from Manhattan. We don't have woods. That's true. Everyone has shat their pants at one point in their life. When I was like six. Yeah, I did it in college.

Oh. How was that? I ate a bad meal at Cash Hall in that awful cafeteria. This bad... I lived in a bad dorm. And I was walking home, like feeling pretty good from the cafeteria, walking back to my place. And then I was like, oh, no, I'm going to have to shit, right? So I started walking home like feeling pretty good from the cafeteria walking back to my place and then I was like oh no I'm gonna have to shit right so I started

walking a little bit faster right and then I was like alright I'll just let a tiny fart out and it just fucking bashed yeah it was and then I ran sprinted home just jumped right into the shower yeah I shot myself in college one time when I was working at a daycare man you

lose the respect of every six yearyear-old on the playground. Oh my god. I mean, it was obviously just shit, because I had some bad beanie weenies earlier that day. I hate beanie weenies. I love them. There's good beanie weenies? What's a beanie weenie? It's just like little hot dogs. Beans and cut-up hot

dogs. I hate them. Canned weenies. Oh, I love it. I've told my beanie weenie story here. No. Absolutely I have. What happened? When I was a little kid, I always hated beanie weenies. My brother loved them. And my dad was like, oh, you're not getting no ice cream until you eat this whole thing of beanie

weenies. The anger. So I sat there for like an hour eating, slaving over these beanie weenies. Hating every second of it. Hating it. And I finished the whole thing and I'm walking over these beanie weenies, hating every second of it. Hating it. And I finish the whole thing, and I'm walking with my plate to the sink, and I just puked all over the kitchen floor. You know what happened? They sent me to my room because I was quote-unquote sick,

and I didn't get any fucking ice cream. I think that's the same story about why Lexi became a lesbian. All those beanie weenies. Hot stuff. Oh, I hate them. Good Lord, that's a horrible story. It's an awful story about injustice. It was like it taught me that life is not fucking fair.

I'm sure you got ice cream the next day. No, it doesn't matter. You're in your own bedroom. It's not a true story. It's completely a true story. They forced me to eat beet. No, they didn't matter. You had your own bedroom. It's not a true story. It's completely a true story. They forced me. No, they didn't force me. They said, you're not going to get any ice cream unless you eat all those beanie weenies.

Because I was probably complaining and screaming and being like, I love it's Tuesday. I'm going to scream about Tuesday. You just got off of work at your law firm and it's Tuesday. You know, it's really doing shit like that. Yeah, as kids do. Yeah, as kids fucking do. You know? Throwing plastic plates

at their heads like, I don't want Beanie Weenies. I want fucking ice cream. And they made me eat all the fucking Beanie Weenies. And I threw it up. Oh, I've never seen so. I don't think I've ever

thrown up so much. You were the worst child anyone's ever had. Wait a minute. You puk worst child anyone's ever had. Wait a minute. You puked and then you just wanted to eat things? I was all over the kitchen. Yeah, because I wasn't sick. I just ate too many fucking beanie weenies.

Oh, my God. So I wasn't even sick. Is this before or after you put on the Batman cape and ran at cars? Yeah. He used to put on a Batman cape. Or I dressed up like a vampire. Yeah, I put fangs and then hide in the bushes for cars to pass my house and I run out

and try to scare them. They always laughed. I was like, no, you need to be scared of this. You know? How long did it take before you just gave up

on the dream? My dad one time sat me down and had to like teach me what weird was. Like he was literally like, alright, I saw you in the front yard chasing after cars

and that's weird. And I'm like, what is that? What do you mean? I'm doing what I do. It's everything you do. What do you mean it's weird? It's the definition of all of your actions. I never knew the word weird before. At the same time, this same man was force feeding you beanie weenies and he should at least feel

partially responsible. Oh, they're evil. They should be arrested, my fucking parents. They should be jailed for that. That is hilarious, man. How do you force your kid to eat the most unhealthy fucking thing? Oh my god. Broccoli is usually the force feed.

Eat hot dogs and syrupy beans. Usually the kids plow through the beady-weedies. Big John's beans, man. I remember that. That big Native American on the front with his big-ass beans. Hated that shit. Teaching you what weird is.

Well, if you've got kids out there and you're a listener, do the opposite of everything that Holden's parents did. Otherwise, you're going to make a Holden. And no one wants that. And speaking of which, it's time for a segment from Holt's parents did. Otherwise, you're going to make a Holden. And no one wants that. And speaking of which, it's time for a segment from Holden McNeely. Oh, no. Where did the time go?

Time for a segment. That's what I know. My face hurts. Oh, God. My face literally hurts. I know. I'm laughing at Holden. It's like you laugh, but you also, you're just so sad to be alive.

My lady who loves me is here on the show today. Let's kiss for them. We need to talk after this. We'll like it if we kiss each other. You're too pretty for Holden. You're such a good person. Yeah. You are.

She's my beloved. Super solid. Yummy yum. The thing today is Roundtable needs to get a pet and we don't know what kind of animal it'll be hell it could maybe be a person i don't care but we need a pet it needs a name maybe it does tricks maybe it doesn't maybe it just shits so what's your pet mine's a fucking parrot and i'm gonna teach you how to say fuckers over and over again that's gonna be great for the recording studio yeah his, his name, exactly.

But he can be in the chuckle hut, you know, to be kind of fun. So I'm going with the parrot. I know Bird Luger knows I'm doing a bird, but I am. And let's call him Rumbie. Rumbie. Is it a boy parrot or a girl parrot? Boy, but we cut his penis off.

Okay. All right. Unic. Yeah. Rumbie the... Eunuch. Yeah. Rumbie the fucker parrot. Kevin, what do you got? I'm going to make him scream louder. Well, I guess this would be, like, the kindest thing I could say. I say that, you know, we should get a slug so that Holden has someone he can relate to. Oh, that's nice. That's sweet.

And a name? You got a name? Uh, Holden twice. Holden twice. Ben? Mbubbles The shitting raccoon Mbubbles the shitty raccoon He's shitting he's a great raccoon

Yeah he poops Mbubbles the shitting raccoon That's my theory man I'm sticking to it Takes dumps and lets all of us Watch Lexi step in them That's kind of sweet. That's a lot of stuff. All right.

I'll take a cue from Ben, and I'll say a dragon-clit-toed dragon. Yeah. Dragon-clit-toed dragon. A dragon with toes the size of Amber's clit. Except they're dragons. Oh, my goodness. A dragon with toes the size of Amber's clit. It's a big dragon. Oh, my goodness. I don't think it'll be able to fly with a clit so heavy. Oh, Christ.

And it pees from its toes. Yeah. I feel like that's super fitting. That's cool, man. Name? Huh? Name? Does it need one?

It's the only Amberlit dragon that exists. Yeah, but what do we call it when we're trying to get it to come to us and when it's being bad? Each village has their own name for it. Yeah.

You know, we never got around to naming it. It's just always been a burden, you know, so. Let's call it tiptoe. Tiptoe. I like that. Tiptoe. I like that. Tiptoe.

That's good. I would love to see the National Geographic documentary on this dragon. The dragon clipped toe dragon. The only dragon with toes the size of Amber's clit. It's always crying because there's no one to mate with. Sad, man. It's beautiful. It's beautiful.

Lifespan? Lives a long time? Lifespan? Long lifespan? Lives forever. Aw. Sad, man. Oh, it's beautiful. It's beautiful. This is fucking, have you guys seen? Lifespan? Lives a long time? Huh? Lifespan? Long lifespan? Lives forever. Forever.

There it is. Forever. You don't need to mate if you live forever. Until it dies in three weeks. Oh, three weeks. Yeah, it dies. Yeah, it dies fast. It's a little bit shorter than forever. Three weeks feels like forever because it's constantly complaining about not fucking.

Amber? I say we get that dude that put the needles in the meat and we put him in a dog collar in the basement and we get Kissel to come in and feed him hot dogs twice a day.

So, I mean, just to recap, you're suggesting that we get a 68-year-old Vietnam veteran. Yes. He's in a wheelchair with an oxygen tank. Oxygen tank. We feed him flattas

He has a hat with a bunch of buttons on it This is like that movie Celtic Pride What are we going to call him? We just call him By his name, what's his name again? Cook We'll call him Cook It's kind of ironic that his name is Cook

Where he's putting needles in the meat And we're going to put him in the back. It's kind of ironic that his name's Cook. We're putting needles in the meat and we're going to put them in the back with the AC unit and by the keg. You know, Kissel will come in every day and feed them hot dogs. I love it. I used to have a job and a thing to do. That's kind of cute. I take care of people all the time.

Lexi? I think that there's already a round table pet since Holden is a lizard. I would just say put a collar on Holden or put him in a cage. We should put something around his neck. But the roundtable pet needs to be here all the time. Yeah! I think that's a great idea.

Just to keep him here all the time. I spend at least 40 hours a week in this dank basement. Keep me on the roof, you fuckhouse. But I'll be here. Alright, I like Holden.

It's very easy. It's obvious. It's a bonobo monkey in a tuxedo. All right. It's going to be Ed. I agree. All right. That's the round table of gentlemen.

Thanks so much for being here, Michael Che. Thanks so much for being here, Lexi. She's very welcome. Don't talk for her. Oh, my God. All right. Amber Nelson. Thanks for standing up for Jackie.

Cock-a-doodle-doo. Yeah. Eddie. This feels like a fourth year in a row for me, Ben Kissel. No, I don't think you nailed it. It was a very strong performance today. It was pretty strong, man. When do the votes, what's the voting process?

Where are we at with that? When do we name the new one? It comes around every Thanksgiving, so we can thank, you know, whoever's been best to us. Well, it's August now, so I mean, I think those votes might start pouring in. No, they're not going to start. We don't start counting votes until October, so if you send them now, they're just going to go to the wasteland.

All right. Teenage Wasteland. Michael, I just want to say thank you for being here. Oh, man. Thank you for thanking me. That's nice stuff. Kevin and Holden and Lexi. I'm Ben.

That's Marcus. We love you very much. Let's say August 31st. We're going to do a whole big event For Cave Comedy Radio right here at the Creek in the Cave I think it starts at 5 or 4 Just come all day, come at noon Sausage party, yeah

I don't like this name, sausage party It's too late I have no say in it But it's nothing but sausage We're going to get a bunch of sausage And we're going to grill it up and we're gonna eat the fucking sausage. Sounds perfect. Che, you'll be here? I thought it'd be a lot of penises.

I mean, yeah, obviously. Women don't pay attention to this. Perfect. Alright, everyone. Come to the big penis factory. The fun sausage party. Did you just break? It doesn't matter. I break at kind of the end. This is about the break time. Yeah. Goodbye, Amber.

Goodbye, everyone else, too. Good night, everybody. Sleep tight.