The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 21: The Lord's Haunting

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

Exorcists! Apparently this country has seen a sharp rise in demand for their services and it’s possible that Ben and Holden might need one. Either that or Ben is having tiny strokes. We’ve also got skydiving dog soldiers, scrotal hyperthermia, and more musings on these hoes today by Kevin on this, the 21st episode of The Round Table of Gentlemen.

It's like we're all living in an apartment together. Yeah. Like, on the radio. Like, we have microphones. Oh my god. This is Canada's fuck. Canada's. Alright, Ben.

Canada's check. Ben, start the show, Ben. Oh, are we doing that? Yeah, Joel, yeah. Yeah, we're ready. Oh my god, every week, it's like like Ben's so surprised when the show starts. I'm having fun. Here we go.

Julia Johns is replacing Jackie Zebrowski for the prayer. Hello. All right. I'm going to pray. Dear... Is this your first time praying? It's so official. When I'm not asking for an A on my test in middle school.

Pretend your uncle is molesting you. Dear holy God, who's a woman? God's a woman. Woo! You go, girl! She's hot. She's hot, babe. Jen, you're bending.

God's a babe. Please forgive me for deciding to do this. I don't know what I'm getting myself into. But bless every one of these beautiful baby boys. Alright! Amen! The Lord be El Zaboo! Thank you. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome

to the Roundtable of Gentlemen. It's the hungover episode. Hungover episode once again! I'm not hungover, man. I'm drinking Red Bulls. I feel good. Absolutely. Everyone's fucking great. Who's on this thing? We know for a fact Jackie Zebrowski isn't here, and she's being replaced by a very nice young lass, Julia Johns.

Thank you, Julia, for being here. Hello. My pleasure. All right, now I'm Ed Larson. I'm Holden McNeely cruising through in my big car. Nope. Not good. Cruising in my large ride.

All right. Yeah. Isn't that good? Gizzling in my large ride. Yeah. Kevin, what's up? I'm Ben Gizzle in the Chuggle Hut. We're very honored to have the beautiful and lovely Henry Zebrowski. And the very talented and very funny Molly Neffel. Thank you so much for being here, Molly. And with us as always, newsman Marcus Parks.

Parks, what do you got for us? The Catholic Church is seeking exorcists. Holy Jesus! Here's the situation. The United States only has five or six actual exorcists that know how to do it. Is that because their job doesn't actually exist? There should be none.

Thankfully, there's six. This fake-ass profession that's not real. The reason why they need more... What are you doing? I'm an out-of-work exorcist. It's tough, man. It's just, you know, demons have been taking over people

like they used to. I'm a specialist in teaching reindeer how to fly. It's really been a rough winter. Seventies were great for exorcism. Maybe it was a correlation with the acid and the cocaine. I have no idea. I'll tell you what, man. We might need an exorcist soon.

I feel like I already do, man. I've been spending so much time wondering where my soul went. Just go. I went into fucking Starcraft, man. It's all in there. It's all this little... I'm sorry, what? What? Huh?

Oh, no! No, don't turn it off! Con the polite game. What? No, you go. No, what? No, you go. I forgot what I was going to say. So did I.

Well, hey, man, I was fucking... I was on a train last night going home, and there was this kid who was like, he was probably about four years old, walking to the train, and as soon as he walks to the train, he's like pointing fingers at everybody. He's like, You're fat! You're all fat!

Everyone on this train is fat! I'm completely convinced me and this kid are going to take over the world. That's my child. We experienced a haunting, apparently. Ben experienced a haunting leaving the apartment. The 256 Metropolitan is sacred ground. There's a demon leaving the apartment. 656 Metropolitan is

sacred ground. There's a demon spirit about. I was leaving the house 9-15 November 4th. Let's call it a Sunday. Morning or night? Night time. For the record, it's a Thursday. Also, it was my mom's birthday. Happy birthday!

Happy birthday, Mrs. Neffle. Is she still alive? Yes. It wasn't her then. So this was not your mother. She was not haunting the house. She's a librarian. So if you can imagine how adorable she is, there you go.

Oh, that would be great. Like the librarian ghost in Ghostbusters? Get her! I haven't seen Ghostbusters. You haven't seen Ghostbusters? Sorry. Where the fuck are you from? Africa?

They've seen Ghostbusters in Africa. They live it every day. I was so close to that. You know, I haven't seen Ghostbusters either. I really haven't. Do you have my audio clips of Ghostbusters? Kissa, let's watch it together. Do you want to?

Yeah. It'll be very scary. My mother will be very upset if she finds out that I watched Ghostbusters. She fired the babysitter when she came home and found us watching it.

My parents are so crazy that they think that that movie was like truly demonic. In the same way that they thought that Kiss really stood for Knights in Satan's Service.

And they actually thought that they were... What does it stand for? Kissing. Kiss for kissing. Really? Kissing somebody, marketing yourself. Because Knights of Satan service is much more awesome.

Oh, yeah. That's why it definitely doesn't stand for that. They never would have had that good thinking ahead. No. It just stands for billions of dollars when you fucking get your little face in a lunchbox. What was the circus album? It was the hologram on the cover? It was like Psycho Circus.

Yeah, it was very good. Psycho Circus. No, but anyway. It was a Psycho Circus. It was a Psycho Circus. No, but anyway. It was a Psycho Circus. But yeah, my parents believed in those things. You were haunted, though. Julia, don't mess with my flow, Julia.

Well, the reason why they're hiring more exorcists is because there are a bunch of immigrants coming into the country who don't know any better that still really believe in that shit. They really, really believe in it. It's like libertarianism. The more immigrants we get, the more

exorcists we need. So we should just get them from Mexico. Why not? Hell yeah. It's cheaper. So it's mostly day laborer exorcists. That's what it is. Posted up outside of a church. You guys like dress as ghosts.

You want to get me, my fucker? So it's mostly, it's like a lot of Catholics. A lot of Catholic Mexicans. Yeah, yeah. Exorcism is a specifically Catholic thing. Oh yeah, absolutely. Yeah, because Catholicism is the scariest of all religions. I went to a Catholic church on Ash Wednesday and got the ash on my forehead.

It was horrifying. We eat a piece of bread that we say is Jesus' skin. Yeah. The wine is blood. Once a week. Drink Jesus' blood. It's a very upset situation. The priest looks very unhappy when he's putting the ash on your forehead

and making you eat the shit and drink the shit. I felt very unwelcome. And he was like, Lacton, lock this mojo! And he had some ash across my forehead. It was terrifying. I ran out of the church. I fucking hated Catholic.

I went to Catholic school and every time I had to go confess to a priest I still feel violated. I would just lie. Every time I went to confession I would just lie the whole to go confess to a priest I still feel violated I would just lie I couldn't remember what I did wrong So I just make up shit So you make up all the shit And at the very end he's like my last confession I lied about all this I've just been fucking with you

It's fucking creepy as hell I had to tell Father Steve that I was masturbating And I got into great detail You know he loved it Well he was such a closeted homosexual He visibly loved to think of me masturbating What is this masturbating? Just show me

How do you do it exactly? Oh your penis looks so small in your hands Why don't you try to put it in my hands? I bet you'll look bigger. I have so small in the priest's hands. So your penis will look big. Your sweet, soft priest's hands. Never will today in their lives.

There are advantages to that kind of upbringing. Absolutely. I came every day. It's more than I can say for myself. Absolutely. So what about the haunting? Yeah, so we have this haunting I'm walking out of the house, 9.15

A bright light flashes I see it out of the left corner of my eye Just in the middle of nowhere As if, you know, it was just like a June bug Like a June bug went by But it wasn't a June bug because they don't exist out here So that flash happens Obviously a spirit

About a quarter second later The living room light just turns right on You have an electrical problem That's what I was saying No, but how does it happen? a spirit. About a quarter second later, the living room light just turns right on. You have an electrical problem. That's what I was saying. No, but how does it happen? Just a random spark in the air? You got ninjas, man. I think your fucking brain is melting from all the horrible things you're

doing to your body, and you're seeing flashes. Yeah, you had like a seizure. You had like a mini seizure. Sure, that's the medical reasonable answer. But what about the fact that there's a ghost in our house? Think about the obvious truths here. How did the light turn on? So we're getting a Ouija board.

I'm getting a Ouija board for $50 at the Gothic store. So if anyone wants to check it out. It's a really cool looking one. It's red crafted. It was made with the witch's bloods. It's very fantastic. Ben thinks his house is haunted, but really he's just been having a series of strokes. Yes.

That's the Lord's Haunting. It's not fun. It's never a pleasurable time to see bright lights pop before your eyes. But that old lady died in that apartment right before you guys moved in. Well, I moved in there first and you're in there now, but that old lady died. I used to always joke about how every night, because I got her room,

I found out I always used to joke that every night I would have to hold her while she cried until she died every night. That's very nice of you, though. Yeah, that's why you were late to the mail room. She just didn't die

as quick today. Oh, man. Used, you can use. No, still not the slogan. That is still not the slogan, Holden. Used, not to be refused. She's just fucking crying. Well, I get the slogan by just saying it all the slogan. That is still not the slogan. Holden. News not to be reviewed. Well, I get the slogan by just saying

it all the time. I thought it was the slogan. I didn't remember when it was. Yeah, no. No. I kind of like it though. Oh, you're winning people over. No, the slogan is you can't take a look, but let's take a listen. The news.

That's a solid one. That's the slogan. You're so much better at this than Holden. The bark is bark. I do have news you can use. You guys all use laptops, right?

No. You don't? Are you talking about my girlfriend? That's kind of a funny way to say it. What's a woman but a 1920s computer? What are you talking about?

There were no computers in the 1920s. What's that? It saved a lot of ladies a lot of terrible times because of that internet pornography. Yes, Mark. We have laptops. Go on. It's a fact.

I'm so hungover. The warnings that they're giving everyone is that there's this new condition that they've named scrotal hyperthermia. Sounds like something you want to drink a coffee out of. What?

How? Oh, I love my new scrotal hyperthermia. Oh, this is fantastic. What? It makes the best... You went off the reservation, man. It's good for my teeth.

It's good for my teeth. It really doesn't sound like that at all. It sounds like your balls are getting hot. Yeah, baby! Hot balls! Is that what it is? It's hot? A hot ball?

Well, it's, yeah, hot ball syndrome. HBS? What it says is that for 10 or 15 minutes, if a man has it on his lap, heats up men's testicles about 1 degree Celsius in 15 minutes. And what does that mean exactly? It kills off the spermies, man, because they're in a coolant chamber in the balls. They're kept whole.

So what about when Holden has his laptop for four hours? Yeah, what happens then? Do they turn to zombies and try to kill my dick? A woman doesn't call you when you don't get laid. Yeah, exactly. I mean, so far, you know. This rock keeps tigers away.

Ladies and gentlemen, Tom Sibley has entered the room. There's some kick-ass improv going on upstairs. I just want to advertise on your podcast tonight. Right now. Improv at the switch. Killer improv. See it once, see it bad, never see it again.

Yeah, there's so many good suggestions up there. So many. Oh man, how can I do as much, how can I do as little work as possible

and get on stage once a week? Yeah. Goofy backstage tech guys from like high school plays or just, you know. Come on up.

Closer to the microphone. Come on up closer to the microphone. Come on up close to the microphone. Sorry, sorry, sorry. You've got to talk into the microphone. Do you understand the joke? This is your chuckle thing. It's supposed to be like a voice from afar? No, it's supposed to be heard.

You're supposed to chuckle from the back. Alright, I'm right here. So this is like the third time the show is derailed. It's going in a different direction. Now we're on our way to North Dakota. We're getting it back on track. An interesting fact about the balls, that's why when it's hot,

the sack gets loose because it's trying to keep the coolant. And when it's cold, the sack gets tight because it's trying to warm those guys up. That's great. It keeps a certain degree of temperature for those little spermies to live. Let's say you're a guy who was born without this so-called sack. Uh-huh.

This is just a question. This is a rhetorical question. Imagine that you don't have any sort of sack, and the balls just kind of hang out like by strings. Yeah. Like underneath you. It's like a hole that looks like your body, and they just kind of flip. They're just like dangling.

They're like, you know, those things you pull on a fan? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then when you pull on them, that dude, whoever has this, gets super hard, right? And then can just go soft again just by pulling on it. What is that? What do you do for the heat, Dan? How do you help?

How do you fix that? Try wearing a sock? Yeah, wear a sock over your dog. Small lady's mouth? I'm not sure which problem to start with on that. Oh, the dangly ball with the no skin. I have a fun fact about the human balls

as well. I read in a book that seemed scientifically accurate that since humans have been having less and less sex as we've gone on, because back when we were hunter-gatherers, we used to be non-monogamous, so we were just fucking whoever we wanted. It was fun and no one cared. Yeah, we just killed an animal and our testosterone levels were flowing. Yeah, and everyone was totally fine. All the men raised the babies.

And then since we've become more and more monogamous, the theory is that the balls have shrunk because they're used less often. So in the past, you may have had balls that were the size of a softball. Wow! I'm with you. My balls are so fucking small. I have the smallest little baby balls, and my penis is so tiny when it's not hard. And it just lays on top of me. It's like the world's fattest man, my dick.

It just lays there and does nothing on top of my balls all day. I got these tiny crescent-shaped balls, man. I'm the next level of man right now. Absolutely. It's just going real well. It's like technology. Smaller, still better. We're making more jizz than ever these days with these tiny little monsters.

It's beautiful. Balls 2.0. Tim Zibli! Do you ever, if you're at a movie or something and you cross your legs the wrong way and totally squish your balls? Oh, yeah. You're just sitting there and you can't explain it to anyone. I like to be fancy when I'm watching movies.

So I don't look like a lumberjack. So, Molly, that's one nice thing about not having the old swaggy waggers down there. You can't hit them with your own legs, but then of course you have your other female issues, but I think you got the ladies to score one with that. Yeah, you'd have to punch a woman in the ovaries really hard to hurt her, whereas you guys, it seems like, you know. No, I didn't think, yeah, piece of notebook paper. Take me down with me.

Tell you what, question for the men. What if your cock bled out once a month? How would you deal with that? Is that not what's happening to you guys? I thought that was perfectly natural. Sounds like you two have cancer. My once a month

suicide attempt. No one's put it together as a lie. It's your baby inside committing suicide. That's what I feel like every month. That's beautiful. That's poetic. I would just buy something nice for myself. Just really treat myself that way. Kevin, I got a These Hoes Today story for you.

Oh, what happened, man? What are they doing now? Whenever... You know, Facebook is a very big part of society now. And people are posting pictures right after events happen. So women, whenever they're going to have babies, they bring, like some of these women, they're bringing like hairdressers and they're putting on makeup and buying really cute type of hospital gowns so they can look good immediately

for the pictures they're going to be taking of their birth to put on Facebook. Well, you know what? I'm saying if I was married to a bitch or I got a bitch fucking knocked up and shit, I would expect nothing less.

Please believe me. I would just immediately say do not put on that makeup. That's what got us into this mess. Because this is possible forever, from now on.

I hope you never look good again. I can just imagine women having their birth and being like, well, we better go to JCPenney's for the photo section and just give birth right there. Nice little marble background. This one woman said

She looks good, too. Is this her? She said, I don't attempt eyeliner, but I do a little shadow and mascara and blush and a little powder. How many babies does she have? That's not a little, that's five things. I just hope there's another shot

where you can just see her dude just sitting in the background shaking his head like, yeah, that's right. Just want to go to her house and look at the mantle. It's all just pictures of her right after giving birth. That's all that she has recorded. God knows they're going to go to her house and look at the mantle. It's all just pictures of her right after giving birth. That's all that she has recorded. God knows they're going to start attaching makeup things to long prongs and have them come in before the birth.

Touch up the baby. And he'll go in there on the x-ray. That'd be nice, though. Their babies are fucking up. Gross. They look like squid. Put makeup on the babies. Don't worry about the woman. We get to Their babies are fucking up. Gross. They look like squid. Put makeup on the babies.

Don't worry about the woman. We get to put makeup on the babies. When they're born their eyes don't sync up

right so they're looking at you they're all squishy and their eyes are going like two different ways. She's like the

Asian mailman. Yeah it's gross. See when I'm older I want to do the opposite. Right before I die in my death bed I want to

have someone come in and dress me up completely as a lady. Full like red makeup and like my grandchildren and senior grandparents. Dressed as fancy men, like, sitting there with, like, rings on and everything. And you just, your last words to them are just, hell is real. And fucking die.

This is who I really am. I've been your grandmother this whole time. words that are just hell is real and fucking die this is who I really am I've been your grandmother this whole time that's like a bad hardy voice book I always wondered why grandpa had such lovely bosoms now I know I always wondered why I jerked off to Grandpa's tits.

Oh, yeah. Here's another birth story of this dumb motherfucker. Oh, I did come to a man's tits once. All right. Enough of your confessions, bro. That was not worth the interruptions. As an inside thought.

Inside thought. I jerked jumped off the shower seeing Starship Troopers. Oh, that's just fun. It's really nice. Oh, that's a great shower scene. Tuesday News. You'll probably get it on Tuesday.

You'll get the cast on. Tuesday News, you can use. You choose. I'm starting to get turned on that one. I kind of like it now. This guy in Pennsylvania I'm starting to get turned on that one I kind of like it now This guy in Pennsylvania Celebrated his child's birth

By lighting up a joint With a friend of his right in the middle of the hospital I saw that, I love that And when the cops came Was he 16? When that baby comes out I'm going to pickook a big fat fucking joint Right in the fucking heart

And whenever the cops came And they kind of hassled the guy He said I'm having a baby And wanted to get a buzz That's all he said He's like yeah I smoke pot I think they did like how you blow it in the dog's ear But they blew it in the lady's vagina.

See, with a little flask of whiskey, no one would have been giving this guy any problems. And that's far more, I would much rather have a pothead touch my baby than a drunkard with whiskey. No, it's the smell, there's smoke, there's equipment, it's just wrong. You can have a sip of whiskey, but no. Baby's like coughing in the whole bed,

like, ah, ah. I remember when I was a kid, when my grandfather was in the hospital, he would just walk down the hallway smoking a cigarette. It was perfectly okay. Wow. Things used to be so much different. I don't know if it was better. Awesome.

It's awesome what it is. And people were just banging left and right in that hospital. Right in the hallways. It was crazy. Nurses, doctors, everybody. Just a self-sustaining community. Gigantic balls. Huge balls on those guys.

Huge balls under Grand Central Station. Okay, this is fucked up. This is how the guy got caught. He was actually smoking the joint in the designated smoking area. A nurse smelled it, called the cops. All right, now that's bullshit. He wasn't smoking it in the fucking room where the baby was.

That's what he made me think before. Well, that's what I made you think and that was not... Get out of my mind. ...the Bane switch. He should have liked all the smoking area. Everyone's looking for people smoking. Just go behind a dumpster or something. Go behind a dumpster or you need a one-hitter in that situation.

You can't be lighting up a joint in public. It takes too long to smoke and there's a lot of smoke coming out of that. It's constant smoke, constant smell, and it just fills the ears. Unless he did a proper 50-50 ratio with the tobacco and the weed, which is a fantastic way to get out of that. The good thing about the joint as opposed to the one-hitter is that once you finish it, there's no evidence anymore. That's true.

With one-hitter, you've got the paraphernalia, you've got your sack of weed on you. Either way, this kid's going to die. This baby's fucking dead. Well, the baby's either in the greatest hands of all time or the worst. But he will definitely be in jail at some point within the next 15 years.

He hasn't been charged with anything. No, and I wish my dad would have smoked weed. My dad didn't do anything. He just worked too much. He was very religious and worked too much. Weed, I think, is a very nice little tool for parents to have. My father, he smoked weed back in the 60s when he was protesting

on the college campus. The poor mother. She's in there fucking pushing a baby out of her vagina and he's just out there getting stoned. Well, that's fine. She's fine. What else is she going to do? Yeah, I'm sure she's not not getting stoned. She's getting her hair and makeup done.

Oh! Yes! Callback, motherfuckers! Very nice. I'm walking out on that one. Thank you, Tom. Thank you. There was actual high fives that just happened.

Sincerely high five someone after a joke. No one even laughed. Yeah! It was a structurally sound joke. I was feeling good because I'm sitting above this space heater making my butt warm. I feel like I'm in a Volkswagen Jetta. My stomach is sweating. That hot ball

syndrome. Are we all hot? Should we just turn the damn thing? I feel good, man. I just thought that a short feeling in my balls is when I found fresh water. Change the subject completely. I'm just going to read this headline.

Parachuting dogs join Afghan war. It's about goddamn time. The British are strapping dogs to their chest. That's adorable. Jumping out of a fucking plane. I'm all out of ammo.

Throw me the pooch. What's the purpose of these dogs over there? To rip the fuck out of the enemy Oh, are they mean? They're mean They're attack dogs So basically the British soldiers jumping out with them are like suicide bombers By the end, by the time they land, their throats are gone

And the dogs are just like Neil Seaton, I'm taking the dog I don't want to take the dog I don't want the dog They're helping all our new blind soldiers. That's great. Did you guys see the pictures that the Marines drew of the Afghan war on Yahoo? Yeah.

The pictures look like they're fourth graders. You have to see these photos. Well, I can't draw. I know, but it's weird. That's why they joined the army. I guess so. Yeah, they're not artists, man. Hitler was an artist, and he joined the army. I guess so. Hitler was an artist and he joined the army?

He was a failed artist. Well, he was pretty good though, actually. They failed art school or something. They didn't accept him into some art university. He was a landscape artist. Who are we talking about here? Hitler. Didn't like to paint people.

They're selling his paintings now for a lot of money. No shit. Who the fuck's buying a Hitler painting? I'd buy that shit if I was big. Why would you buy a Hitler painting? He's going too crazy. The money for the paintings are going to Jewish charities. Yeah, yeah, that's the thing.

Oh, you're good. That's always the way it is. They're going to Jewish charities and Yeah, yeah, that's the thing. That's always the way it is. They're going to Jewish charities and they're doing all these things. You know, I think with that, they're really missing out on their target demographic here. The people who would truly pay the most amount

of money are not going to pay if it goes to a Jewish charity. Talk about an artist selling out, man. But it's true. You only get famous as an artist after your death. And that need to fucking... But it's true. You only get famous as an artist after your death. You know?

And that's what Hitler is showing us right now. They say, John Wayne... They say that Hitler didn't teach us anything. Exactly.

John Wayne Gacy sells all of his art from prison and all of the proceeds go to... Yeah, and all the proceeds go to the families of the people

that he murdered. Yeah, I want one real bad. That'd be great. I do not want a painting by John Wayne Gacy in my house. Eddie, what is wrong with you? I'm not normal! I am not normal! No, man.

Not real-world artwork. John Wayne Gacy is the closest thing that you could have to God, painting a picture for your home. No, that is just not right. What would you, if you could request a painting by him, what would it be, Henry? A specific painting.

Two alligators fucking. He'll draw it for you. Yeah, you just request it. I would just, I want to, you know, I want one of the clown paintings. I want to, like, a clown painting. Maybe a clown painting of him holding a balloon, looking into a mirror of the same, like, clown, but that clown in the mirror is a demon. Yeah, a clown painting. Maybe a clown painting of him holding a balloon looking into a mirror of the same

clown, but that clown in the mirror is a demon. You've thought about this too much. Wait until you ask that question. That's a good answer, though. That's exactly what I would want. I would want one with Jeffrey Dowd. I wouldn't be surprised, though, if it's not a demon.

If it's just this svelte, model-looking fellow in the mirror. That's what he sees himself as. You never see yourself as a demon when you're actually a demon. The world tells you that. You don't know that. You just love your mother too much. Speaking of demons, people who are in prison... More demons! Well, I mean,

this is more like, you know, like, not actually demons. These aren't real demons. This is fake demon corner. Fake demon quarter. Do you guys remember we talked about this? Not everything can be a quarter, Holden. Fake demon quarter.

We talked a couple weeks ago, maybe a couple months ago, about how we're running out of the phenobarbital, the shit that we inject in prisoners for the lethal injection. Oh, yeah. Because, yeah, the ingredients. Bleach! Oklahoma is so jazzed about executing this one dude

that they're now requesting that they can use the same shit that veterinarians use to put down dogs. To put down this guy. What's the difference? Who cares? You're killing this person. Bullet in the brain.

Firing squad. I'm with you. I don't know why the firing squad isn't considered a legitimate form of execution because that's how people die all the time. That's how the vast majority of Americans die. You're not sitting on a table for fucking 30 minutes. Exactly. And you can do the badass move of laughing at it

when it's going on. You can just go, and just get fucking knocked down. This is the question we always ask people. If you were to be executed, how would you do it? I gotta say, I don't agree with the argument that a firing squad would be the most pleasant way.

I actually think that would be the most horrifying way. I don't know, though, because you got on a blindfold, you don't really know what's going on. Oh, man. The anticipation would be painful. I don't like needles. Come on, the anticipation of an injection.

It's all, dude, no matter what way you're going to inject you, always anticipate. What they should do is just let you know, like, this week you're going to die. You're not going to know when. But one thing this week is going to kill you. And so they give you like a poison cookie. On Tuesday, oh, it was the poison cookie!

And then you have no idea this was coming. You'll be at fucking lunch and some bum would just rush and go, oh, it was the poison cookie. I had no idea this was coming. It would be a fucking lunch if some bum would just rush and go, oh, I just... Good job, Rufus. Looney Tunes anvil.

Straight up random. Helicopter just drops an anvil on your ass. Yeah, I would say that I think that if I had to pick any way to die, it would definitely be jumping off of a tall building

because... No way! It would be really fun until you hit the ground. As soon as you jump, you'd be like, I shouldn't have done that! Molly, you think that's the best... Molly, don't jump!

If you had to, I'm saying, it would be fun. You're a 9-11 terrorist sympathizer. Sympathizer. I think that's the most horrific way to die. What about into a river or something? Well, if you can survive.

Whatever it is, we should all still be able to watch you. Oh, like the San Francisco Bridge. The reason people jump from the bridge. The reason why people die whenever they jump from high places up into the river is that what you're supposed to do whenever you jump from high places, you're supposed to clench your asshole and clutch your balls. Because if you hit water at a certain velocity,

the water just shoots right up your asshole and just destroys all your internal organs. If you suck on a penny, you can get out of a DUI, too. I don't think that's true. There is no way that you can fucking take the ocean on with your anus alone. It's like, no, I closed my anus. The ocean didn't get in it. No way.

That's like the ultimate gay thrill ride. That is a fucking wide sale. It's like, do you ever jump in a river and get fucked by the water? The sea salt cleans you right out. You're like a big pretzel. Even grosser question, then, is if you're a girl, would it also go in your pussy? Absolutely.

That's for sure. That's the thing. I don't know. I mean, your kegels might not be as strong as your sphincters. There's no wearing a white dress on your wedding day after that. I'll tell you that. That's a good pick-up line, by the way. No, Supercross, I'm just saying your ke That's a good pickup line, by the way. You know what?

No, Supercross, I just have to say, your kegels might not be as tight as your pussy. Julie, do you do those kegel exercises? No, I do not. No, you don't do them? Maybe I should,

in case I'm ever dropped from a long distance into another show. You gotta do them. Do you do them, Molly? I get in phases, like self-improvement phases. I'm like, I'll start doing that.

It's like puss lattes. Hold on, I don't know what this is. I don't know what a cable is. It's a pussy tightening exercise. What's she trying to pull the nose away from? That's it. That's the beginning of the end of the day. It makes the pussy strong. It took me back in the day when my pussy was too loose.

Grab onto those dicks! It's like, okay, so the muscle, I think guys have it too, the muscle that you have took me back in the day when my pussy was too loose. Grab onto those dicks! It's like, okay, so the muscle, I think guys have it too, the muscle that you have when you hold in your pee. I'm flexing it right now. It's when you bounce,

it's when you rock your dick out. It's when you make your dick headbang. So for a Kegel... Oh, yeah! My dick's going crazy! Oh, God. So for Kegels, you're supposed to, like,

flex that muscle for, like, three seconds and then release for three seconds and then... That's awesome. For, like, you're supposed to do it, like, I don't know, like, three minutes a day, a couple times a day, every day. It's, like, exhausting. It's like the shake weight. Yes.

You gotta do it like the shake weight. Oh, man. But that's something you can always do, though. You can always do it. Yeah, anytime. And nobody ever knows. You don't need a dumbbell or anything. Oh man But that's something you can always do though You can always Yeah Anytime Nobody ever knows You don't need a dumbbell or anything You do what you give yourself

A secret smile on the bus I know somebody who can make herself Come from doing kegels Really? She gets really aroused She can't do them on the subway or anything That's amazing Does she come

So when you Hold on When you Now it is really interesting. Where do you kegel exercise? Do you do it on the street? Well, it's best if you have like a commute or something and you can just time it

so like, well, yeah, while I'm waiting in line at Starbucks, I know it'll always be about five minutes. I'll just get them out of the way. Oh my god. How many times a girl could be kegeling? I almost came to the thought. Not very many of them do a girl could be caggling. We just look at her I almost came to the thought. Not very many of them do it

because it's such a pain in the ass to remember. It's boring. My God. Every time I look at a girl on the subway now I'm going to wonder if she's caggling.

I almost came to the idea of a woman just eating. Are you caggling? You're caggling. Gnawing down a McRib and caggling. I like how it's called caggRib and caggling. Oh, good. I like how it's called caggling now.

Yeah. Caggling. So, Holden McNeely. Oh, yeah. I got it all the time. That's a picture. Holden McNeely's segment. All right, the segment, it's kind of like Date Fuckin' Mary for Julia, but it's not Date Fuckin'

Mary. It's be murdered by, travel back in time with, or spend a night in a jail cell with. Okay. All right, we're going to go around. Ben's first. Murdered by, travel back in time with, spend a night in a jail cell with.

Okay. Who would you do? Or what would you do with him? Oh, with you guys. Yeah. Yeah. That was the segment. No, I mean, I guess it's you.

It's you choosing me to spend a night in the jail cell with, because I will fucking fuck you. Definitely not going to get into that. Travel back to Target, Ben. That's the game, right? No! And then we fuck in the jail cell. I just knew this was going to be death.

I knew it was going to be death. No, which one? What would you have with him? I'd say murdered by, because he's going to be death. I knew it was going to be death. What would you have with him? I'd say murdered by it. I'm going to get murdered by it, Ben, because it would probably be the most creative. And how would you murder him? I'd probably just fuck her to death in a jail cell.

Yeah. I think that's kind of how I would want to do it. All right. How about Henry, Julia? How about Henry? Oh, we totally travel back in time. Where. How about Henry, Julia? How about Henry? Oh, we totally travel back in time. Where would you go?

Where would you take me, Henry? We would go back to when the dinosaurs... Yeah! And all we talked to the dinosaurs... Smoke a blunt with the trinosaur's rags?

And we'd back... Back with the triceratops who's still the triceratops. Yeah, oh yeah. Right on the top of his crest. And then I fuck you to death with a dinosaur. That's the game.

That's the game of this. You have to pick one and figure out how you're going to fuck with a dinosaur. In the end, we're going to do it. Kevin Barnett. Which one? What was the other? Night in a Jail Cell, Trouble Back in Time, Be Murdered By. Night in a Jail Cell.

Alright, how does that go down? You just talk about the hell that is modern society? Nah, nah, man. Me and all my niggas would come through. The first thing I would do is make you suck all the boys up And then Oh my Jesus Pre-production for Snoop Dogg's last corner

Bring all the boys up Go suck them Suck the boys Towards the end of it is when we stab you to death You know what I mean Because you've already been satisfied That's fucking beautiful. That's poetry. It's all just

fucking and getting murdered. So far, that's what's happening. I just wanted to travel back in time with dinosaurs. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's for comedy. How about Molly? Molly, uh... What are the options again, Holden?

Murder, bye, travel back in time, spend the night in a jail cell. Let's throw a new one in, trip acid with. Yeah, alright, let's trip acid. Obviously. Where are you going to go? You're tripping harder balls than you've ever tripped in your life. We're going to go to...

You don't get to choose, Molly gets to fucking choose. Oh, I get to choose? Where are we going are we gonna trip? Um, the Brooklyn Bridge. Oh, yeah? You gotta jump off it? And then you're gonna jump off, Molly! Fuck by the water? Get fucked by the water and die. Except we've both been doing our kegling, and so we're gonna just fuck the water

and win! We would just bounce right off the water. I just pictured, like, a little grape hitting a thing of jello just, like just bounce right off the wall. I just pictured a little grape hitting a thing of jello, just bouncing right off. All right, now for me. Which one? I'm going to get fucked to death in mine, too.

Oh, so gross. With the sniffles. Just tell me how you're going to fuck me to death. Julia, take control. With my cock. All right. Jesus Christ. Pen penis is a good good creative

alright Marcus Marcus we're going back in time no I want a night in a jail cell with you night in a jail cell what'd you get arrested for

oh I'd say cause Marcus just fucked me to death yeah that's his punishment he has to spend the entire night with a corpse yeah

let him keep the corpse put on a soft seven for him I'd say reckless endangerment Nice Reckless endangerment With your kids in the back of the car Oh, absolutely Because we've traveled back in time

To 1947 And in 1947 I believe that we're probably somewhere in Germany? Yeah. Post-war Germany in East Berlin. Beautiful. Oh, yeah. We just bought a Hitler painting.

We just bought a Hitler painting. We steal a car and we drive it right into an orphanage. Good. Reconciliatory. Reckless and dangerous. That, my friend, is reckless and dangerous. Textbook. Textbook.

That's the one they use to teach the kids what it is in school. How lazy are these criminals? Kids have to know this shit. It's important. Alright, Ed, I want to get murdered by you. Awesome. How are you killing her? Oh, boy, I think I have to know this shit. It's important. All right, Ed, I want to get murdered by you. Awesome. How are you killing her?

Oh, boy, I think I have to fuck her to death. Well, you've got to fuck her to death. You know what? I'm not going to fuck her to death. I'm going to fucking pay some horrible dude to do it. Yeah, I'm going to go down to Flushing, Jamaica. And then you fuck her back to life. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, you should fuck her while that guy is killing her.

So technically, you're still fucking her to death. Holy fucking Christ. Wow. No one ever listens to the end of the podcast. Why does he do that? Do people not? Willie Regan. What's that?

What are you doing? Fuck her. Fuck you. This has been the Roundtable of Gentlemen. Everybody fucking killed Julia. And what a way to go out. Molly, thank you so much for being here. Molly Neffel. Thank you guys for having me. Fuck you! This has been the Roundtable of Gentlemen. Everybody fucked and killed Julia. And what a way to go out. Molly, thank you so much for being here.

Molly Neffel. Thank you guys for having me. Thank you so much. Henry Zebrowski and the Chuckle Hut. Yep, I'll be up at the Laugh-opolis. Laugh-opolis! In Minneapolis. I'm on the 3am slot and the 7am slot. If you like puppets and Asian jokes. Chuckles and croutons.

That's my joke. Shuckles and croutons. Laugh salad. Kevin Barnett, Holden McNeely, Marcus Parks, Ed Larson, Julia Johns, thank you so much. I'm Ben Kissel. Do something with your life. Go do something.

Get out of bed, you fucking bastard. Fatty