The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 210: Theodore Rex

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

Today on the Round Table: an argument over watermelons causes a shooting spree in Russia, a man shows his penis in court to prove he's too tiny to hang it out of his trousers, and a morgue worker admits to having sex with over 100 corpses. Joining us today: Josh Potter!

Hey, this is Marcus Parks. And I'm Ed Larson, and we're here to tell you about the rescheduling of the CCR Sausage Party. It's going to be on October 5th. That's a Sunday starting at 3 p.m., not the 31st. Now, to repeat, not the 31st. We're going to be doing live podcasts downstairs in the garage. It's going to be shit that you're not going to be hearing on the radio, some real special shit. And then we're heading upstairs for a stand-up show at around 8 o'clock and then downstairs for the cowmen doing an hour-long set it's gonna be a goddamn

blast and we're gonna murder a bunch of pigs for your enjoyment come on down let's eat some sausage and listen to some bullshit the round Aye. Let's broaden our minds. Lay out, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will. Yes! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table. What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen.

Always civility. Who's praying? Uh, Eddie. Ed. Oh, shh. Fuck. All right, Eddie. Always civility Who's praying? Eddie Fuck Name of the Father, Son, Holy Spirit Amen Thank you God for All the bees in the world

Is he making it up? Bees isn't the insect? The insect I wish it was the letter Bee doesn't get enough respect as a letter Is he making it up? These isn't the insect? Yeah, the insect. The insect. I wish it was the letter. B doesn't get enough respect as a letter. Thank you also for the letter, God, and I promise to be good to you. In the name of the Father.

Boo! Brought to you by B. Welcome to the round table, everybody. Goddamn, I love praying. We're extremely hungover. Everyone's voices are going to sound exactly like mine. Shot out and completely exasperated and exhausted. My voice is fine.

No, your voice is like normal and it's terrible. Can I tap out of this episode? You're not. I'm out. Jaggy looks like a fucking horse's fucking ass right now. I just, you know what, Holden? Your ass is grass. I get it.

I said it. You did. You did say it. You fucker. Why is everyone so exhausted? Murder Fist closed down, and I hosted a couple of different things, and the Cowmen performed last night for the Brooklyn Comedy Festival at, what was this place called? Baby's Alright? Oh yeah, Baby's Alright.

Fancy joint. A wonderful place. My first time there. I was very impressed. Yeah, people kept buying the Highlifes and didn't understand why the Budweiser's are also five bucks. Pro tip. Well, they're both really shitty beers.

Don't talk that way about the king. But I was also, I was up super Well, they're both really shitty beers. Hey. Don't talk that way about the king. But I was also, I was up super late because after all that, I got my fucking Johnson robbed. Oh, you did? Yeah. Someone stole your penis? No, I know. He never had one to begin with.

I fucking, yeah, man, loaded out last night. That was fun. Yeah, I was spry. I think it was like a, not too much whiskey, just enough. And I was just fucking John Robbins in there, man. Yeah. That is 100% disgusting. That's her last thing.

You had a real bloated donk, huh? A real bloated fucking wanker. It's stupid how long I lasted, man. Yeah. Interesting. And was the girl awake or was she even alive? My beautiful girlfriend. Hi, love you, baby.

She was pretty drunk when I left. Yeah, we got fucked up enough to make it happen again. Jackie, did you do anything sexual, Jax? Last night? Yeah. Fuck no, man. I was fucking off my knocks, dude. I was like almost throwing up in the fucking cab.

And I was like, I love you. You're sexy when you play the guitar. He's like, yeah, baby. We just touched on each other, but can't get any further than that. That's right. Doug Austin, the lead guitar player of the Count, man. And we're joined by a fellow. His name is Josh Potter.

Hi, guys. What's up? You're too chipper, Josh. Oh, sorry. Hey, guys. How you doing? What are you doing? Very good.

What are you fucking troll bridge? Oh, man. You got a burn on your arm. What happened? Oh, no, it's from playing softball, man. Softball? I fucking got a fucking... Took a pat to the arm?

No. Well, it's nice. You know what? The nice thing about this episode is we don't have a lot of lesbians on. So it's so nice to have you here, Josh. Well, I'm glad I'm not a lesbian. Lesbians play softball. Oh.

I played softball. I just like hanging out with lesbians. Lesbians are great. They're very nice. Yeah, there's nothing bad about them. Episode's canceled. You're canceled, buddy. I'm glad I made this trip out here from Jersey City.

That was great. I'll tell you what. A lot of good times. It's nice to have you here. We don't have a lot of lesbians on. Yikes. Oh, no. It's going to be a long hour.

God damn it, Penn. Lesbians. Pull it together, buddy. They play softball. 40 minutes, you get to go to sleep. All right, all right. Ed Larson danced with a black girl last night. Did you? I danced with more than one.

Did you hold your hands up in support? Come on. I had three at once. It was a beautiful moment. I feel like you would be beautifully matched with a black woman. I don't know. I want you to have a black

wife. I'm going to find one. Keep me posted. I'll let you know, Eddie. You sound like a... You sound worse than I look. God, it sounds like a cigarette butt. It's unbelievable. Let's talk about all the awards that we won.

Oh, gives a shit. It doesn't matter. We won all the awards. Roundtable lost. Roundtable didn't not know. Roundtable's brother won. So as a family, we all won. Are you talking about my brother?

What is the fucking hick thing going on? What the hell? The Creek Awards were last. The Creek Awards. I know. I'm too lazy to go. It wasn't about who won. It was about watching the disappointment in the eyes of the people who lost.

And I think that that's what's so important to remember when it comes to award shows. All right, Marcus, what's the story? A judge has ordered a delivery man's penis to be measured after he claimed in court that it was too small for him to be guilty of exhibitionism. What's exhibitionism? Showing your penis. Just having fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah, just showing it out. Herbert O, 54.

That's weird, though. They also call a preseason game an exhibition game. Yeah. But they don't do it with their dicks out. They should. If preseason football, everyone had to have their knobs out, I'd watch it. That'd be post-exhibition probably. Instead of preseason.

Yeah, that's the Pro Bowl in Hawaii. No one ever watches. It's an asshole game. Remember when it shows their asshole? You either cause someone a concussion or just fuck them in the ass. Vigorously. You gotta win. What either cause someone a concussion or just fuck them in the ass. Vigorously. Well, different kind of game.

You gotta win. What if that's a lesbian game, though? What? Just all strap-ons and anuses. That could be fun. Be sensitive, Josh. Herbert O54 was accused. O is his last name?

Herbert O. Just the letter O. As far as I know. Or they're trying to protect his identity, one of the two. But I think it's letter O. As far as I know. Or they're using some, they're trying to protect his identity, one of the two. But I think it's Herbert O. Herbert O, 54, was accused by a teenaged girl of delivering more than just the package her family had ordered when he approached her house in August of 2013. The girl and her mother went to police the same evening to report the offending member

protruding from his open-pants zipper. But Herbert has contested the allegations, saying that he is insufficiently endowed to trouble public order. He even called on his wife to take the stand and testify to his lack of inches. She told the local... She told the local court, I'm sorry, darling,

but your penis is too short to hang out of your trousers. She saved his life. Yes, she did. That's great. Jackie, would you be with a man whose dick was too small to even flash in an underage girl? Of course not. But I don't think that this girl should have been upset.

Why not? You see a little dick. See a tiny dick? You get your package. He's not touching on it. He's not like, when you open up the fucking door. You wouldn't mind if the UPS man showed up and he had a little dick hanging out of his pants. Maybe he just forgot to put it back in his pants.

Well, why was it out of the pants? It really could have just been an accident. I've seen a dick out of pants because they forgot to put it back in their pants. How many times have you seen a dick out of pants because they forgot to put it in their pants? I'm going to say three times. Three times? Yeah. Wow.

Seems like a healthy amount of times. Yeah. You've never just left your dick out after taking a piss? No. I always remember. Well, no. I mean, sometimes your zipper will be down or zipper will be down. And it's peeking through the hole. No. Very rarely. You got the underwear.

You got an underwear hole, though. Yeah, well, it's just a broken hole. It could be. It could be if the, yeah, if you have your boxers on you. I suppose theoretically you could waggle around. Yeah, sometimes if I'm have your boxers on. I suppose, theoretically, you could wear it all around. Yeah, sometimes if I'm just wearing boxers and they're really short boxers, my cock will kind of hang out of the shorts. So you're not like this guy at what's wrong with him?

Not at all. No, I got a big fucker. See, you would not have offended the young teenager girl. She would have appreciated it, though. I mean, I don't know. I don't know if she would appreciate it. It's probably all covered in warts. It's got a little mustache and it's frowning.

I've got a witch's cock. Yeah. It's wearing a monocle and things likeowning. I've got a witch's cock. Yeah. It's wearing a monocle and things like that. But they love you during Halloween, though, so that's good. Absolutely. Well, that's his costume. Mr. Monopoly pee-pee. Wow.

Marcus, cancel the show. The show's canceled. And the editing has begun. You got the mark on that one. No, Monopoly pee-pee. God, the energy in here is a little forced. I'm not going to lie. That's okay. We're upbeat, and we're doing

comedy, the thing we love to do. God damn it. I'm saying words that people love to hear, and we're doing a podcast that people love to listen to. God damn it, Ben. Got the best voice in radio in Holden McNeely. Holden McNeely. Ed Larson. Hey, how you doing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Josh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Josh, don't talk during this part. Jackie, how are you? Help me, help me, help me. Henry-o, more like Sandro. Right, guys? Perfect. Oh, this is good. Comedy Radio.

Right here on CCR. So, do you think the girl wouldn't have been so upset if he had a longer dong? Well, I don't think that the man showed his dong at all. No, she's just making this shit up. Yeah, they're making it up. Because she's a fucking twisted little bitch. Really? Yeah, because, of course, his dick is too small.

Confronted with this conflicting evidence. Can you show it to the court? Let's see here. Oh, my God. This is so great. If you're the jury, you're like, how the fuck did I get granted this wish? How am I supposed to know if I can't see it? Exhibit A, ladies and gentlemen.

He just drops trowel. I want to read like a Tequila Mockingbird version of this. Old courtroom. Everyone's sweaty. Everyone's smoking cigarettes. Yeah, 12 angry men. Just one guy in the back. He's innocent, damn it.

He's innocent. I'm just one guy in the back. The whole neighborhood. He's innocent, damn it. He's innocent. I'm going to show you the cock. Confronted with this conflicting evidence, defense lawyer Lutz Winkler suggested... This is in Germany, by the way. His defense attorney is Lutz Winkler? Lutz Winkler. Make sure you get my name in the paper. Lutz Winkler.

Attorney of law. I specify in dick law. Yeah, small dick law. Yeah, I'm Winkler. Winkler, the small dick lawyer. Bing! He's a good... I winked.

Lutz Winkler suggested that Judge Ulrich Andrees check its believability herself. That was too uncomfortable for the judge to do in court, he said. Instead, Andrees has asked the coroner's office in Oldenburg to make an exact measurement of Herbert's hardware, giving her a yardstick for her final decision. She said, if the wife has spoken out so frankly about this, I have to follow it up. Winkler has demonstrated an iron resolve to achieve exoneration for his client at Herbert, having allegedly refused to settle the charge in exchange for a fine. They may yet have months to wait

to see if the expert medical opinion stands up in court, said court manager Norbert Bruns. We've never seen anything like this. I don't know. It seems like they're all cartoon characters. Odenberg, Norton Kruns, Lutz Winkler. I'll tell you one thing. Fuck Johnny Cochran.

Winkler's on it. Winkler's the best lawyer of our time. This happened in Germany. Oh. Lutz Winkler, Norbert Bruns. Which, by the way, like I've mentioned many times, the Germans on average have the second largest penis size in the entire world. The first one being

the Congo of seven inches. And then the German people, 5.7 inches on their long big wongs. This guy's bringing your average down. Do they think maybe it was an animal wearing a man mask? Like a lemur? That's a good question Mr. Juror number 7 McNeely.

Did anyone ask that question? I just have... Did your fucking wife ask that question? I just have... Did your fucking wife ask that question? You fucking maggot. All right. When we asked him why he wanted to be on the jury, he just said sandwiches. And we let him on.

And it turns out it worked out in our favor. You'd be a great juror, Holden. Yeah, I painted clown faces on my pillows. So dumb. I think it was an animal wearing a man mask. Yeah. So you ask me, I fucking raped her. Oh, right.

It's one day, so I'm just going to rip off all your skin. Yeah, yeah. Just to reveal the true person. It's unbelievable. All right. So. That's all we got on that story. All right.

That's a point. Good job, everyone. Good job, round table. Yeah. First story clap. I like when we do this. It's like the end of an inning in a Little League game. Now it's time for a story from Ed about how his parents fucking treated him horribly.

Eddie, what do you got? The phone story or the poop in the bag story? Yeah, no, I told that one. You shot yourself. Your father gave you a diuretic. I would tell you about when I beat up George Hallfrider at Bucky Dent Baseball School. No, do the Bucky story. Yeah, I don't know that one.

When I beat up George Hallfrider at Bucky Dent Baseball School? No, do the Bucky story. Yeah, we don't know that one. No, this kid, George Hallfrider, he was sitting in front. Big fat idiot. We were at Bucky Dent Baseball School. You guys know who Bucky Dent is, right? No.

No way. He's like a Yankee champion. Look up what Bucky Dent did. What did he do, Josh? He hits the home run at the end of the World Series. I don't tweet with him. I don't know. Yeah, well, anyway, so I'm at Bucky Dent Baseball School in South Florida.

George Hall-Fritter. I mean, he beat his wife, right? Bucky Dent? I don't think so. I think Bucky Dent was a good guy. All right, Bucky Dent's a good guy. So, anyway, so George Hall-Fritter's there. He beat his children. No, leave him alone.

Bucky Dent's a good guy. George, for no reason, pretty much. I don't know why he did it. I think I said something to him. He turned around and he spit on me. Oh, that's not nice. And then my friend's like, oh, you shouldn't have done that. And I was like, oh, well, since he said that, now I got to do something.

So I started punching him in the back of the head a bunch. That's the worst place to punch someone. In the back of the head. Yeah, he was standing in front of me. Was he facing you? No, no, no. So you were swinging around like a fucking monkey. No, I was just punching him in the back of the head.

The guy was facing the other direction. Right, right. And he had a lot of surprise. Yeah, and so I'm fighting him. We're wrestling around the ground. I'm beating the shit out of him. And Bucky Dent breaks it up, and he's like, you're at a baseball camp. Bucky Dent kicked me out.

Bucky Dent fired me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bucky Dent kicked me out. and he's like, you're at a baseball camp. You know, Bucky Dent kicked me out. Bucky Dent fired me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bucky Dent kicked me out. He's like, I'm going to get my glove. All the other kids are still out there, and my dad's hanging out with the other fathers, and I go grab my glove. He's like, why are you grabbing your glove? What are you doing?

I was like, I got kicked out. He's like, what? And he started laughing. All the other dads started laughing, and I walked around the fence, and I was like, I was like, oh, you're serious? Bucky Dent appeared in the September 1983 issue of Playgirl wearing a swimsuit. Good for Bucky. Oh, look at that. And he was also in the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders TV movie

portraying a wide receiver who was the love interest of one of the cheerleaders. Yeah, but his sports career. Let's talk about it. That was interesting, though. He was most famous for his home run in a tiebreaker game against the Boston Red Sox at the end of the 1978 season. Why would the Dallas cheerleaders have a movie?

A lot of people love the Dallas cheerleaders. We should watch that. They used to do stuff like that back in the day. Totally, yeah. Was it like an amateur porn kind of thing? No, it was probably just a bunch of girls jumping around. What happened to this cocksucker that spit on you, Eddie?

I don't like this kid one bit. George Alfrider? George Alfrider. Alfrider. He got his ass kicked immediately. God damn right he did. Justice was served. He made the wrong mistake and he spit on the wrong fella,

and that fella was Edward Larson. But he got to stay in camp. I think so. I don't know. I think he got kicked out too. What a schmuck. Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders movie. A newspaper editor decides to send his girlfriend, who is also a reporter on the paper,

undercover to try out the cheerleading team for the Dallas Cowboys in order to do an insider story starring Jane Seymour. story starring Jane Seymour. Oh, Jane Seymour. What year? 1979. Oh, this is when Jane was very, very attractive. I thought she was fairly attractive as a medicine woman.

Young lady. Oh, yeah. Dallas Cowboys cheerleader. Somebody recently posted on Reddit the trailer for Theodore Rex, the buddy cop movie with Whoopi Goldberg and a dinosaur. Love that movie. Pretty great. It's a great film. I love that movie. Pretty great. It's a great film. I love the dinosaur, and I love the T-Rex, too.

Rot in hell, the both of you. In an alternate futuristic society, a tough female police detective is paired with a talking dinosaur. Oh, I remember Theodore Rex. Yeah, Theodore Rex was huge. To find the killer of dinosaurs and other prehistoric animals, leading them to a mad scientist bent on creating a new Armageddon. Wilbur Goldberg almost walked off the movie, but they threatened to sue her. If you watch the trailer, she looks so miserable to be in the movie. But she didn't mind being with Joy Behar on The View.

Are you kidding me? What? Joy Behar? I love Joy. I love Joy Behar. I was in her dressing room once. Why were you in there? You were hiding in there?

Yes. No. I was, but when she was doing her show on Current TV, I was in her dressing room. Joy's a very, you know,

70 years old. Was she in there when you were in there? No. Why were you in there? Sniffing around at Ian. 70 years old. She looks great, right? She looks great.

They should harvest her eggs. I think they're probably a little bit old, though. No, you can find some live ones in there. You just gotta dig properly. That's all. you can find some live ones in there. You just got to dig deep. You just got to dig properly. That's all. Yeah, you got to get the light and the spoon. Like an espresso spoon, like a tiny spoon.

Someone should get the fucking eggs out of that hand. It's funny because people listen to this podcast and be like, oh, I'm having fun with my friends. But then, like, the friends are tired. It's not always a great hang. Yeah. No, it's not. You hang out with your friends. It's not always the best time ever.

Sometimes you're just forced to be around each other. Yeah. You're hungover. We're in a position where we can't just put on an episode of Friends and live vicariously through Mr. Schwimmer. Yeah. Kevin fucking stayed in Philadelphia. Smart fucker that he is.

Bird Luger. What a smart guy. He won for funniest offstage. Kevin won for funniest off stage? Yeah Holy, I just tried to do that on stage Leave me alone I'm trying to fill the airwaves here

Alright, Marcus Jackie, say something Theodore Rex was the most expensive straight to video release there ever was 30 million It was straight to video? Yeah, it was. $30 million. It was straight-to-video? Yeah, it was so bad. $30 million? Straight-to-video, yeah.

$30 million straight-to-video? Whoopi Goldberg alone was paid $7 million. Well, then she can't complain about anything. $7 million. She almost walked off. Yes. That's how bad it was. That's how bad it was.

And it was made in 95. Possibly one of the greatest years for movies. What was in 95? Like Pulp Fiction, Usual Suspects. Pulp Fiction was 93. There was a list. I forget what the list was. Some great movies. Yeah. Incredible year for movies. 7 million bucks.

Eddie, that's enough, right? That's enough to be in a bad film. 7 million fucking dollars. What are you talking about? 30 dollars. 30 bucks. So you put in the movies I've been in, then I take it, huh? Right that's enough to be in a bad film seven million fucking dollars $30 So you put in the movies I've been in then I take it Josh what movies have you been in I was in the latest trauma movie. Oh, yeah Return to Newcomb High part one in part two I mean the in part two on the duck monster in part two How was that how was your trauma experience?

Murder Fist has been working with trauma. Yeah, we've been to their offices a couple times. It's a silly place. Well, I fucking regret that pretty quick. I don't know. Lloyd Kaufman's a little bit nuts, huh? That's putting it nice, yeah. Yeah, he's an interesting fella.

I love him. Oh, I love him, too. Well, of course you fucking love him, you fucking whack. You whack. I didn't realize we had a sausage salesman in here with us today. Whoa. Sausage salesman. A lesbian.

I'm about to flip over the table. Don't yell at me. Don't yell at me. I'm trying to fill the air with the Kauffman. He called you a whack. That's what a sausage salesman would say. You're whack. You're a sausage.

You know what? Jackie says something. Don't look at me, Jackie. Didn't you make a joke last night about chambray? No. What's chambray? The color of the shirt you're wearing. You're wearing the same outfit last night.

No, you were making jokes about me. It's a very lesbian shirt. Yeah, it's a very lesbian shirt. You made some chambray joke. You said the word chambray. I didn't say the word chambray. I've never heard the damn word in my life. Interesting.

I wonder who was making fun of you. Was it me? It might have been you. It was really funny. I'm sure it was you, Jackie, not me. But you're still wearing the same outfit. Yeah, that's right. So congratulations.

How did you introduce? Oh, okay, that shirt. $24 at Old Navy. Goodbye. I bought it on sale, Marcus. It was $17.99. What was that? What did you say about Jermaine Fowler last night?

Cracked me up. He described him in three words. It was like tiny, black, and shake him to death. I remember that. Jackie, I'm sure you made the chambray joke you were the one being all rude to everybody it got a great laugh

all people loved it that's a good ass joke shake him to death there tiny the director of Theodore Rex retired after Theodore Rex he wasn't shunned never made another movie retired is wasn't shunned? Never made another movie.

Oh, my God. Retired is the nicest way to put that. He not only retired, he's blacklisted. Chased out of Hollywood. Yeah, he retired. He wrote The Last Starfighter in 1984. Oh, I like that movie. He did a couple of episodes of Freddy's Nightmares.

Oh, I love that TV show. And CBS Summer Playhouse, one episode. And then they gave him Theodore Rex. And he lost all hope after that. All hope. Did nail it, huh? Lost all hope. What was his name?

Jonathan R. Batul. What a douche. I'm sure he's convincing some Thai boy to have sex with him in Thailand. It's fucking Whoopi Goldberg in a Tyrannosaurus Rex in a fucking suit. And most of the people who signed on for the movie thought that the dinosaur would be computer

generated and were very surprised to see a guy in a dinosaur suit. It's really bad. Well, and Whoopi Goldberg, she only had a verbal agreement to be in the movie. Yeah. Yeah, and then she got sued.

The producer sued her for $20 million, and then she agreed to do it for $7 million. But yeah, only a verbal agreement. So she was just drunk at a party, and this guy came up to her, and she was like, yeah, sure. And then, poor Whoopi. She looks like... She got $7 million. Who gives a fuck? Poor, rich Whoopi. She got $7 million. Who gives a fuck? Poor, rich Whoopi.

Even in the trailers where they're maybe trying to pick the best moments, she looks visibly upset to be in the movie. She can't be upset as that Rosie O'Donnell in the Exit to Eden movie. Remember that? You like that one? Remember when Rosie O'Donnell was supposed to be a sex

item, a sex object, a beautiful gal? That was the whole point of the movie. No, no, no, no. No, the whole point was that they were- It was everyone else. They were a normal family. Yeah.

Aykroyd and her were like a normal- But she was supposed to be hot. No. No. I don't think she was. No? I don't think she was. No, I think it was the joke that she was-

She was supposed to be straight. That was the big thing. Well, that's what she was there for. It was everyone else who was running around all hot and tiny. Oh, I see. She did dress up as a dominatrix once. Yep. Yeah, that was the big thing. Well, that's what she was there for. It was everyone else who was running around all hot and tiny. Oh, I see. She did dress up as a dominatrix once. Yeah, that was the scene I jumped to. Yeah, I mean, I liked it.

Really? Because you love lesbians. There's all those hot other chicks in the movie. Yeah, but did they have a personality that mattered? Look at him. You know, he's really growing up, guys. He's growing up a lot. Really growing up.

It's the chambray. Yeah. I love... Anyway. All right. I'm out of Theodore Rex facts. That's what we were banking on. Is anyone else sweating?

You're more than the director. I just stopped sweating. Did you just stop sweating? I just adjusted. I think you gave it to me. Holden, are you sweating? I'm slightly cold-blooded. I'm fine. I think you gave it to me. Holden, are you sweating? I'm slightly cold-blooded. I've been sober long enough.

You're fine? Jack, you look like shit. What dog kicked you in the face this morning? You fucking bitch. Might be the best question ever asked on the show. Come on, man. Come on, man. Come on, man.

Yeah, Jackie. I'm failing miserably over here. Holden's half of what he used to be, and Eddie's, you know, man. Yeah, Jackie. I'm failing miserably over here. Holden's half of what he used to be, and Eddie's, you know, normal. I'm on fire. Yeah. Let's go to Russia for our next story. Been a while since we've gone to Russia. The usually festive summer watermelon season has taken on a violent turn in Russia.

In Russia? They have a watermelon season there. Everything in Russia eventually takes a violent turn. Usually festive summer watermelon season has taken on a violent turn in Russia's far east after heavy fighting between market vendors and customers over unripe watermelons

resulted in the firing of gunshots. These are like Asians though. In East Russia, those are like, you know, they're weird people over there. I wouldn't even consider them Russians. They're such... They're a weird in-between type of thing. No, they're like half-breeds. Do they have Asian

eyes? You can't... You can say half-breed. No, you can't say half-breed. You can't say half-breed. The Cher song. I've been saying it for years. What do you mean? What Cher song? Half-breed. It's all about this song she's singing about.

She's half an Indian and half a white, and neither side will accept her, even though she's not fucking Indian at all. I mean Native American. She wrote a song. You don't have to be the thing. But the whole thing is about how upset she was because she couldn't fit in,

but she's just a fucking Italian girl. She should have thrown about being half gay then. They would have loved her then. It would have been great. How big is Cher's pussy? Oh, it's... It's got to be huge. It's half huge.

Small enough for Sonny Bono to have sex with. Fit the whole town in that bitch. I love that she was banging Sonny Pono, by the way. I feel like she takes off her... That's great. She takes off her panties, you just hear like a horse. Yeah. Oh, I'll nuzzle that horse's fucking sweet lips.

Now? I love Cher. I love Cher, too. I'm a big fan of Cher. Yeah, bang, bang, my baby shot me down. Great song. Yep. And then her pussy looks like if you took her panties down,

it would just be a little horse there. She also wrote the lyrics to Stairway to Heaven. Did she? Yep. Is that true? Yes, it is. Well, her vagina did. Yeah.

They put a pin in it. Yeah, look it up, Marcus. It's did. Yeah. They put a pin in it. Yeah, look it up. Marcus, it's totally a fact. Put a fucking desk in it. That is absolutely not a fact. That is a bald-faced lie. And welcome to Factor Fiction with Holden McNeely. Oh, man, is that the segment?

Are we at the end of the show? Oh, can it be done? Is it the end? Oh, I don't know. We're barely halfway through. Oh, wow. Good, good. Jackie's middle name is Free Holes.

Ooh. Don't say that about Jackie. It's a lie because you have to pay for them. Yeah, you gotta pay a bunch of money to get in those holes. God knows I've tried. I've never had the cash. Yeah, man, pay holes. Get in my pay holes.

Oh, yeah. Put a cold in it and get a skittle popping out of it. You sound like you're walking up and down bleachers at a ball game. Pay holes. Pay holes. Get your pay holes. Ma'am, may I? I have $5.

May I have a pay hole, please? I don't know. Can you fit inside my pay holes? Ma'am, never mind. I cannot. Put a hot dog in it. No, a real hot dog. That poor guy from Germany would be screwed.

I want a hot dog. Ooh, I love that. Like a little corn dog, but a Jackie dog. And the hot dog's all in your butthole. Either way, ladies and gentlemen, this is the round table. Yes. And I just want to welcome you to our last show. We love you so much and thank you

guys so much for listening. Let's do something nice for the listeners. Ed Larson, you're a professional asshole. What fucking dumb idiot did you fucking bang last night? I didn't bang anybody. Say something nice to somebody listening. Say something nice to somebody listening. Yeah.

It's okay. Your pants are down and you're frowning and you're jacking off to internet porn. You'll get a job next week. No one should be jerking off while listening to this, by the way. That's true. If you are- You don't sound like this. That's half our audience.

If you are, prioritize your life. This is a fine show to jack off to. I don't think so. I guarantee you people have had sex listening to Holden McNeely's voice. I mean, I banged one time with Don Rickles on television. That's what I'm saying. Yeah.

Can you say something maybe like to get people in the mood, Ben? What was I saying the other day? I'll tear down your panties. You tear down your panties? Yeah, like David Hasselhoff and Ronald Reagan tore down their Berlin Wall. Yeah. You guys call me panties on, baby, and I got a liberating cock.

What else you got, Ben? Your pussy is wet like a river. God damn. Yeah, and I'm a turtle, and I'm swimming offshore. Are we going gonna lay your eggs in the river? I don't know, upstream. Upstream. Upshore. Sandy-ass pussy. Whatever. I got sand

in my claws, and I'm wet. How does that work? I don't know. In your pussy. What does her butthole look like? Her butthole looks like the sun if the sun was sad. I love butthole. How do you want to get that? How do I want to get there?

It was great. Oh, my goodness. I'll tell her to read a book on her stomach. Read a book on her stomach? Read a book on her stomach. Which book? You're going to lie on her stomach. Maybe 1984, so she'll think the world

isn't so bad that she's currently living in. Because it could be worse. Damn. I always like to let ladies know it could be worse. Absolutely. It's always a good policy. No, either way. Yeah, while I'm fucking I'm always like, it could be worse. You might be

horny. You might be horny Tuesday. We'll try again on Tuesday Oh yeah Well either way a lot of ladies love us Holden I'm drowning in it I know it I'm telling you

And guys Jack off to you Oh yeah all kinds of dudes Jackie say something to a fella That would just make him come right now I'm going to go to the Facebook page. Say something nice about this listener. Say something nice to Tom Jordan, who posted six hours ago. What did he say?

He posted a, he said, kids should dress up as a vampire and hide in the bushes and scare the old bastards to death. That's for Holden. That's my story. Yeah. But Jackie should say something nice. Why would I want to seduce that fucking Holdenator? I don't want to seduce

the Holdenator. Go to the Holdenator page. That's where they really are. Go to the Jackanese. We all have pages now. People made pages for us. I don't have a fucking page. No, no.

The page is just called Cave Comedy Radio. Bindos? Yeah, the Bindos. The Bindos. The Bindos over. The Bindo boys. You fucking,

no, I'm not the Bindos. We're the Bindo boys. Bindo box, Bendo box. There. It would be the Kisalicism, Kisalthalicism, Kisalicism. Kisal, Kisal me. Kisalicism? Kisalalicism.

Kisalalicism. Kisalix. Kisalix? It all sounds bad. That's the problem. You can never give a good, corny, you know, ring to a game. Ben's boys. Ben's name. Ben's boys. Ben's boys.

Ben's boys. What's your middle name? Benjamin Grant K. Grantonites. No. Grant it. Grant it? Take it for Benjamin Grant Kissel.

No. Grant's your middle name? Yeah, Grant. Named after my racist uncle, yeah. So the racist? What's your middle name, Josh? Grant. Named after my racist uncle, yeah. So the racist? What's your middle name, Josh? Shane. Not bad.

Josh Shane. Joshua Shane. Joshua Shane. I like that. I like that. A lot of things. Yeah? Yeah, a lot of white.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can tell just by looking at you. Well, I guess I got some Cherokee in me. You know what I mean? It's a little airy. I guess I got some Cherokee in here, cool in me, you know? A little ethnic flair going on. I got some detrilite here in me. A little ethnic flair going on. I got some Trilatiers

in me. We have a very faithful Indian listener. Yeah. Malakayan. There's six total. We got one of them. We got one of them. We're cornering the market, baby.

We'll come up with a fun name for me, but don't feel a need to make a page for me. The Baninis. Oh, the Baninis. No, it's all going to be bad. Banini Beach. Banini Boy. Banini Boys. Don't make a page.

What about the BKs? Right there. The BKs are fine, or Ben Kissel is the best or something. I really like Baninis. The BK Broilers? BK Broilers. No, I'm the burger guy. Yeah, you're the burger guy, Eddie. You're broilers. I'm the burger guy. Yeah.

You're the burger guy, Eddie. You're the steak guy. I'm everything. It doesn't matter. Mary, what should I be called? Say Baninis, Mary. Say Baninis. She likes Baninis.

Mary likes Baninis. Mary's our newest employee here. What? Turkey Banini. Turkey Banini. Show us your weenies because we're Baninis. Yeah, the Banini weenies. The Banini weenies. The Banini weenie gang. The Ban your weenies Because we're Benini The Benini Weenies The Benini Weenie Gang

Teeny tiny Benini Weenies I do intend to run for a political office In about 20 years I don't know if Benini Weenies I'm glad we got to the bottom of this America's not going to exist in 20 years Don't worry about it, you're fine What would be fun too is to be like

Hey, you have cancer, but it's benign. Marcus, what's a news story? Okay. About 2.2 million beanbag chairs are being recalled after two children opened them, crawled inside, and suffocated to death. They were just trying to get back in the womb, man.

Natural selection. Yeah, they're idiots. They crawled back and suffocated to death. They were just trying to get back in the womb, man. Natural selection. Yeah, they're idiots. They crawled back inside their mother. And one of them was 13 years old. Wait, when did it take place, though? The 13-year-old was from Texas. Oh, yeah. And the next to the other one was a 3-year-old girl

from Lexington, Kentucky. I have put my face inside of a beanbag chair. Really? I love it, yeah. Yeah, I had a big pink one. How was it? My name was embroidered on it. It was from L.L. Bean.

And it had a bunch of the bean, like, little, like, pelts inside. So I like to put my face in it because I like the way it felt against my face. But you never, like, put your head inside it. Well, I was too fat to get in it. I mean, it's a small hole. Instead of a beanbag chair? Yeah. But the zipper goes up the whole back. Yeah, but I was a big kid. I mean, I couldn't fit Instead of a beanbag chair? Yeah But the zipper goes up the whole back

Yeah but I was a big kid I mean I couldn't fit inside of a beanbag chair And not get all the pellets out You got a bunch of beanbag chairs right over here I bet you could fit inside this beanbag chair I bet you could Let's see it Do it

Do it Inside the beanbag chair Do it Do it I will do it And the video will be posted on the Benini Facebook. Teeny tiny.

Benini weenies. Although I'm going to change the name, though. I have to figure out what I want to change it to. Yeah, the Benini weenie boys. I don't want to be the Benini weenie boys. The Benini weenie boys is insulting to my intelligence. No, it's not. Everyone loves the Benini weenie boys.

It's also Benini, which is, like, classy. I do like the Benini. It's like gay boys in World War I. Love that labia. They could really crack open that can with their ass. We're the panini weenie boys, and we've come to take all over your, we've come to take your meat. Dude, over the fucking, over the hell's angels,

I would flee a town because the panini boys were headed that way. Haven't you heard? Why are you in town? The panini weenie boys are coming through. Are they a band or a gang? They're all weird and tall. They'll get too drunk and get weird with your girlfriend.

Only if she is beautiful like your Lexi. She doesn't even have to be here for him to do it. Love my lady. I love my lady. I love my wife. I love my wife. I just don't get it, man.

So she listens. She's such a decent human being. I think so, yeah. I just want to say I love you. Wonderful and pretty and sweet and you're just garbage. What are you fucker then? Holden, take it easy. Good God. Eddie, you were

saying nice things. Holden overreacted. I was just calling Holden, take it easy. Good God. Eddie, you were saying nice things. Holden overreacted. I was just calling Holden garbage. Yep, that's what I was thinking. That was nice. I'm sorry that I yelled at Ed about that when he was talking about my girlfriend. Eddie, you forgave him. Fantastic.

It doesn't matter. I didn't even hear him. I don't listen to anything. Let's say something to our fans. Tonight's a special episode. We're all just together. You have a scratch on your face. I know. Is that from your new girlfriend?

No, it's not. Your new girlfriend scratched your face? No, she beats me up aggressively. Is your new girlfriend a fucking lion? I like to be physically abused during sexual interlops. It's a big scratch. It's a big old scratch. I don't know where this is from.

I don't know where it's from. I scratch myself in my sleep sometimes. Did you do that? I might have. Did you sleep with them? Did that happen? Bunch of sick assholes. What?

Scratch yourself in your sleep? Yeah. They're ghosts, Marcus. They're ghosts. I have been told by sensitive people that spirits follow me. Home. And then they hang out in my home. Yeah.

Don't leave. Yeah, because they know in my home. And they don't leave. Yeah, because they know you're cool. They chill with it. So we have been having weird ghostly phenomenons in my household. But I don't know if it means anything. Alright, so

everyone knows that my other roommates are dumb and they are very southern. Well, it's Doug's brother and his girlfriend. Yes. And they sleep. Move. Move. Doug's brother talks as if he was human mud.

He talks like this. He said, Jackie, I think there's a ghost in the house. He's like, Jackie, I think there is a ghost in the house. He always seems like he's trying to sell somebody pickles. Oh, yeah. You know? And do you know they've been eating a lot of pickles lately? Have they been eating pickles?

They've been buying huge jars of pickles. They're a pickle couple. I heard him the other day in the kitchen. I just heard, and I walk in. I was like, he's like, I'm eating a pickle. I was like, awesome. Just bare hands eating a fucking huge pickle. And there's pickle jars everywhere in the house.

Pickle crumbs? No, pickle jars. It looks like piss. Yeah, I thought it was piss. Yeah, you saw the pickle jar. I saw the pickle jar on the roof. The beanbag chair missed one. Yeah, man.

I agree. But now, so Lisa, who is, she is smarter than she sounds, has been waking up at 3.52 in the morning for the past like two weeks, not every single night, with the strong smell of a fire. And she gets up and there's nothing in the house. She looks out in the street. And then also in the morning, if it's like if she sleeps in late around 10am it's a strong smell of whiskey which I know could be her boyfriend but her boyfriend's not there

so he can't even blame him and then but I believe her because she woke us up one night to make sure nothing was on fire and then Justin woke up a few days ago with huge claw marks down his back.

And I was like, well, those are just fucking sex marks. And she's like, no, he's been black out drunk for the past few nights. So it wasn't sex marks. But huge scratches that are like symmetrical down both sides of the back.

Well, we have to set up a GoPro. We got to set up a camera. We got some paranormal activity going on here. Yeah, I think the last podcast should make a little visit to Jackie's house. I agree. The Jackie's. Imagine watching them while they sleep. Henry's sister is getting haunted for your fucking lies.

Yeah. Not bad. So what do you think, Jackie? Have you felt anything in the house? No, but it's a really old fucking house. Look up the history. And we know that there's been a fire in the building. Okay.

Think about that. Were there any casualties of the fire? I don't know. We got to do some digging. Yeah. Interesting. Is it guard dog or something shark? You can look up what happened to your, anyone who's ever murdered in your house.

You can all look it up on there I can't remember the name of it Property Shark Property Shark That's it Yeah PropertyShark.com You can look up your place

And it tells you everything that ever happened in there Man you guys just do that just for no reason That sounds like fun Yeah Yeah What's the address to your house? Marcus will bleep it out Jackie as Justin

Can you just answer me like how was your day? I woke up drunk, and I drank some more. I went into the bathroom. I did a GB because he does only gravity bong hits. Yeah, yeah, he calls them GBs. His girlfriend won't let him do the gravity bong hits anymore, so he does it in the bathroom because she thinks that she doesn't know that he does it in the bathroom.

He always walks. I saw it was over the other day, and he walked out of the bathroom because he thinks that she doesn't know that he does it in the bathroom. He always walks. I saw it was over the other day and he walked out of the bathroom just yakking up. She don't know. She don't know. Yeah, he likes the gravity bong. It's like billow smoke coming out. He likes the gravity bong hits because he gets an extra high from the burnt plastic. Yeah.

And he's been using the same Gravity Bong top for about nine years. If I could describe him in any way, I'd call him a time-traveling Vietnam vet. He's not meant for this. No, it seems like a guy who has a wooden house next to a piece of train track there. You guys have a haunted house, haunted room? We don't have a haunted room. It was an elderly woman who died in peace. It was an elderly, elderly, elderly. I think it was

85 years old. Yeah. She died in the room that I'm currently living in and I love it. But you don't think that scratch came from a ghost? This one here? Yeah. No, this came from, I don't know what it was, maybe a raccoon or something.

Yeah, all those raccoon problems we've been having. You've been kissing raccoons. Yeah, I always kiss anything that has claws. That's my spirit animal. Yeah. It's your spirit animal? Yeah, raccoons. Raccoons?

Yeah, man. Tiny, tiny hands. Really feisty. Looks cute, but is really, really trashy. You know, just like real piece of shit. All right. Oh, my goodness. Well, you chose it for yourself.

It's true, though. It's very me. Ed, did you receive an erection when you were dancing with the girl last night? No. The three fucking hot black chicks. I was fighting back. How do you fight back? What do you think about?

What do you mean what I think about? Do you guys have to think about something specific to not get hard? Don't get hard. Don't get hard. Don't get hard. Well, you just. I just get hard. Really? Yeah. I always get hard. I don't get hard, don't get hard, don't get hard, don't get hard. I just get hard. Really?

Yeah, I always get hard. I bone up, too. I don't really care. I'll never forget my seventh grade dance where I got rock hard with this gal named, her initials were JM, and it was embarrassing. Jim McCarthy? Jacqueline Marie? You guys get hard and still jamming at them?

Yeah. I don't jam at them, but you don't jam me. You treat them like a fucking gentleman would. I'm learning how to dance. You treat it. Yeah, exactly. I'm just figuring it out. Always get rock hard when you dance.

If you don't get rock hard when you dance, you're not dancing right. That is true. I feel like, yeah, if your partner's not hard, then you're not doing it right. My pussy ain't wet. The whole floor should be goopy. Yeah? Yeah. But I usually, I let them know, too.

I get real close to them. I whisper. I'm like, are you wet? Because I'm hard. Ew. Ah, fuck, man. And then if they say, no, I'm not wet, you know. What if they say, no, you're not hard? No, you're not hard. That'd be upsetting. Grab his dick. You're not hard. The sad thing is when they're hard and you're wet.

Yeah. Poopy issue there. That's good. Well, we got one more story. No. Speaking of getting hard. This story came from listener Tom Floyd, posted on the Facebook page. Thanks, Tom. If you take the T out of story, it spells sorry.

Yeah, man. Episodes canceled. We're not doing it this week. In Ohio County, where a man admitted to having sex with over 100 corpses while employed at the morgue can be held for his actions. Kenneth Douglas, who worked night shifts at the Hamilton County Morgue from 1976 until 1992 sit in a deposition. He had sex with up to 100 dead bodies, often while drunk or high on drugs. He said, I would just get on top of them and pull my pants down. Why would you tell anybody?

He got caught. His DNA was discovered in 2000. No, his DNA was discovered in 2008 on the body of Karen Range, who was 19 when she died in 1992. Douglas reportedly had sex with Range. So they dug her up, found 20-year-old cum in her pussy, and then they tested it out. Yeah. And this guy got caught. Yeah.

His corpse smells like old cum. Yeah, how do they even know? This is insane. I mean, I guess that they found semen in the vagina, and the guy, she was murdered. And the guy that murdered her, they tried, the DNA didn't match his, but they knew that, because in 1992, DNA technology wasn't all that great. And I think this guy went to jail for the rape of this woman, but he was trying to get out of that. So they dug her up

and found the DNA didn't match the guy who had killed her. So they had to look around and say, okay, well... So this rapist is out of jail because some undertaker fucked her? Well, I don't think he's out of jail. Maybe he got a better deal

or something like that. I'm not... I don't have the... Wait, what? She got double raped? She got raped and then murdered and then raped again? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, I don't have the, she got double raped? She got raped and then murdered and then raped again? Leave this woman alone!

No, no, no, no, no, no. She didn't, the guy who killed her didn't rape her. Oh, he just killed her. He just killed her. Yeah, he did kill her. And then the morgue worker,

and then the murderer, you think a rape is this worse than a murder? I would rather be murdered than be raped. Really? Yeah. This is the vast majority of the opinions amongst most women in the world.

Hey, you can make jokes about killing people. You can't make jokes about raping people. That's a fact. Because everyone wants to murder, but very, very few people want to rape. Yep. That's the thing. I'd love to kill somebody. Oh, it'd be great.

It'd be wonderful. Thank God I said kill right there, right? Oh, yeah. No, literally. We would have to edit it out if you didn't. So did he just have sex with women or men and women? Just women. A key piece of evidence was Douglas' wife's testimony.

Oh, great. It's misogynist. It's misogynist. A key piece of evidence was Douglas' wife's testimony that when she called to report her husband coming home from work smelling like sex and alcohol, she was told, quote, whatever happens on county property in county time is county business. God, that's hot, though. That is hot. If you're like fucking an intern, yeah, that's hot. But not if you're fucking corpses, murdered corpses.

That's a fun horror story name with that subject matter. Call it county business. It's not like she was murdered. I feel like she died in her sleep, you know, died of like young diabetes. I'm not saying it's ever okay, but to fuck a

murdered woman. You have someone like a Jerry Sandusky, right? A terrible human being. You have someone like Larry King from the Franklin cover-up. You know, people draw themselves into professions that will be able to Someone like Larry King from the Franklin cover-up. People draw themselves into professions that will be able to relieve their sexual preference. That's why they were around kids. This guy obviously works in a morgue because he wanted to fuck dead people forever.

But you know what he didn't do? Go the Ted Bundy route and actually kill them. Well, he did love fucking murdered women. Here's three different victims that he fucked. Oh, loony. The families of these three women sued the county because they were trying to find the county liable for this guy's actions. So the first one

was Karen Range. She was six months pregnant when she was strangled in 1991. And Douglas said he had sex with her body on the day she died. So this guy's a necrophiliac by definition. He's not a murderer. He's not a murderer. Is he a rapist?

He's a necrophiliac. He definitely deserves to be dragged in the street and beaten to death. I feel like the family should be able to get at this guy. If you do that to your murdered daughter or murdered sister after the fact,

he should be the one that's eating him. Even though it's just the body? I think it's terrible, but I think it might be even worse. Listen to this one. You don't think so, Holden? This is interesting because it is just a body.

The daughter's gone, the son's gone, the Daughters gone the the the sons gone the husband's gone worse for just a quality. It's worse for the family Yeah, I feel like they are insane with pain. Okay already. So you find out someone fuck your dead daughter's body Are you in your course you murder him? Don't ask don't tell Are you in? Of course you murder him. Don't ask, don't tell. Yeah, man. Darryl's like that eye for an eye shit, man.

It's like, and then you come all over his body after you murder him. Yeah, use a condom for Christ's sake. That's the thing. Cover your fucking tracks. Well, he figured no one was going to check. After 100, I guess. Signed, sealed, and delivered. He's the one putting the body in there.

Suck your cum out of her. You're the guy. You're the guy. You're the dick. I don't know. I mean, if you're embalming the body, just clear it. Yeah, they're turkey basters. You're the last one in there. Clear it out. Embalming the body.

God damn it, then. Yeah. Well, another one, Karen Range. She might have been, well, the pregnant one was pretty bad, but Karen Range, she was murdered in her home by a door-to-door salesman in 1982. Her body was slashed. Still not as sad as the door-to-door salesman. Her body was slashed, and she was nearly decapitated, and he had sex with that dead body. And the other one, April Hicks.

Is this guy a killer? Are there any murders on his record? No, not whatsoever. No, no, no. Would it make it better if he had Down Syndrome? Yeah. It would. It really would help me deal with it. It really would help me. I think so too.

I think so too. I'm telling you. If I have a daughter, and let's just say she does get violently murdered and she won't because I'll protect her and I'll kill anyone that fucking talks to her so I don't even think about looking at my goddamn daughter. But if it does happen in this hypothetical situation, if it was a downed kid that had sex with her corpse, I'd be more upset.

Working at the mark. I'm working at the mark. Oh, Lord. And then he walks out like Kevin Spacey in Usual Suspects, like totally normal. So if this is your first episode, it's not always like this. We're like likable guys. I just want to say this right now, Ed. We have to do this shit every week.

So people sit in their sewing circles. Oh, it wasn't as good. They're all hungover today. Oh, it wasn't as good. Oh, all hung over today. Oh, it wasn't as good. Oh, no, it was not as good as normal. And it's like, you don't even, what do you do every week? Fucking jerk your fucking cock and balls off.

Alright, leave them alone. I don't think they're in sewing circles. Yeah, they're not in sewing circles. My mom's in a sewing circle. How's that? They get drunk. They have a great time. They don't listen to this. They do, though. Everyone listens to this because it's one of the better podcasts around.

What kind of objects has your mother sewn for you, and how do you feel about it? She made me a dolphin's blanket that got pissed on by a cat and I had to throw it in the trash. Ed, I asked Jackie. I was just, first thing that popped in my head. Was the saddest thing that he thought of. I had a fucking awesome dolphin spike. Why'd you throw it in the trash, Eddie? Cat piss.

Wash it off. You can't get it out? Can't get it out. Why would anyone have cat piss? Why do people have cat piss? It's not a myth. It's not a myth. Why do people have cat piss?

No, they have removers now. Fuck that. Hey, fuck you. Oh. Uh-oh. It's a fight. It's a fight. It's a fight. It's like the laziest fighting where it's just like, yeah, all right, fine.

It's not too bad. Don't mess with him. All right, it's time for a segment from old McNeil. Do we do it? Have we gotten there? Yeah. What was the third person that this? Oh, the third person.

Finish the story. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The third person, April. Third person, April Hicks, 24, fell from the third story window and died from blunt trauma in 91. So this guy, he had a thing for violent deaths. He wanted the corpses to be all fucked up when he fucked them. See, that's upsetting. Yeah.

So he didn't have the balls to do it himself, but he still wanted the sweet, sweet reward. You know what? You make a real good point there. Yes, you did. That's actually, that's a very valid point. Honestly, though, just, again, I just think of this guy as completely retarded and that makes the world okay somehow. I agree.

He is a diffy-doo. He definitely is. Not running for Congress. You know, he's too smart for that. He wasn't a cat, so it's fine. Yeah. Now it's time for a second home mini? Yeah. Now it's time for a second home mini? Yeah.

Now it's time for a second home mini. From holding a mini? What happened to your voice? It's the round table awards. Who is going to win? It's not the round table awards. Let's get the energy up here, guys. Last night was the creakies.

We drank your whiskey whiskey Fucking talking to chicks This isn't the official Round table of the year Year award No no This is a fake award show That's the only real award show That exists

We're gonna make up Award names And give it to somebody In the circle And I think it's gonna go Really well So basically Does everyone have to get one

Yeah Not necessarily And whoever doesn't get one Loses Oh Whoever doesn't get one loses. Oh. Hey guys, let's not give one to Holden. Oh, right. Oh, I like that idea.

Funnest Baby is my award. So it's not people, is everyone sitting here right now? I will name a list of nominees of the people. But it's just the people in this room. You can name other nominees, but people. It's for the people. But it's just the people in this room. You can name other

nominees, but someone from the room has to win. Has to win. This category, the definition of this category is people that you believe were the funnest when they were a baby. I was an unbelievably good baby. Well, I'll be the judge of that, Ben Kissel.

The nominees are Tom Clancy, writer of many military books. Second nominee is fucking tits. Fucking tits? As in one fucking tits or one fuck tits? Third nominee, Ben Kissel. Fourth nominee, Jackie Zebrsel. Fourth nominee, Jackie Zabrowski. Ooh, the competition.

Fifth nominee, Henry Zabrowski. Well, he's not here. Sixth nominee, Garth Brooks. I love Garth Brooks. Thunder Rose. Did he have that voice when he was a baby, though? I don't think so. The winner is Jackie.

What the fucking slug? I was a really so. The winner is Jackie. I was a really good baby. Fun baby. Not talking about a good baby. Maybe you could open a beer can. My brothers used to tell me they would drop me on the floor and laugh and I wouldn't even cry. And they didn't speak until I was two and a half.

That's true. What do we do? Do we go to you next? I guess so. Or Josh, do you want to go? Josh, do you want more time? You want to go now? I'll take more time. All right. Ben Kissel. Josh, you're up.

I guess I'm up. I'm up. That means Kissel needs more time. I guess I'll go up. That was technically more time. It was more time. That was easily two seconds, man. Just say words into the mic.

Words, words. I'm going my game here. Just say words into the mic. Words, words. All right. I'm going to go with best devil blaster. Ooh. Which means someone who jerked off to a picture of the devil. Okay. And I'm going to go with. Fingers crossed.

Who are the nominees? With God. Okay. Yeah, I'd see that. Jesus. Okay. Ed Larson. All right. Ben Kissel. Okay. And Jermaine Fowler. Okay. Yeah, I'd see that. Jesus. Ed Larson. All right.

Ben Kissel. Okay. And Jermaine Fowler. Okay. That has to be. Well, Marcus is not nominated. Marcus wanted to be nominated. Do you want to say that?

I mean, I would have won. Yeah. Who are you giving it to? I have to go with Ed Larson. Ed Larson. Who jerked off to a picture of himself dressed as the devil. That is a great picture of you. It's great, isn't it?

I love that it exists. I helped with that makeup. A little too much. You did. I did help with that makeup. Let's see. So my award, and it's an award, and it's the award that matters the most because it's the award that says I am going to be the person that people want to the most more

most mourned when they die the Lorne Morn greatly mourned? Who will all come out to the funeral and all the people at the funeral cry the hardest? Who will it be? Who's nominated? New rule, you cannot nominate yourself. Ooh, nice, because he was going to give it to himself. He was totally going to give it to himself. Now, who are you going with?

Who are your nominees? News. You fucking fireman's bitch. You changed the rules on me. And that's very interesting. That is interesting. It's interesting that it greatly affects your situation.

Marcus, do we have a ruling on changing the rules? The ruling on changing the rules is A-OK. As long as the rule changes are made by Holden McNeely or Marcus Parks. I do not sign off on that. Oh, really? Actually, I do. Well, he's Marcus Parks. Yes. I do not sign off on that. Oh, really? Actually, I do. Well, he's going to change the rule back unless you sign off on that. Garfunkel from Simon and Garfunkel.

Okay. That will be sad when Garfunkel dies. That will be sad. No one. And I will say. No, he wrote that song Strangers in the Rain. Mary, our new intern. She's on the list.

Is she an intern or is she working? She would be, I guess, a burrito intern? She's a burrito intern. She gets paid in burritos. Ladies and gentlemen, this award goes to Mary, the burrito intern. Only two noms. What a hard task. Two noms and Mary got it.

She beat out Garfunkel. That's not easy to do. That's not easy at all. I will always mourn a woman who gets paid to get into. Two noms and Mary got it. She beat out Garfunkel. Yeah. That's not easy to do. That's not easy at all. I will always mourn a woman who gets paid in burritos. Absolutely. She can also get a life as well. Never mourn the burrito. Mary, give an acceptance speech.

Come over here. Let the audience know. Ladies and gentlemen who have been listening to this show for years, we finally get interns and things like that. Come into my mic. These people don't treat you with respect. And this is Mary. Mary, give a nice speech.

I'm just so honored to be recognized by so many drunk assholes. The song's going no longer than the speech. Good God, leave her alone. Oh, my God, it's a dinosaur. Oh, this kitchen's just filled with dinosaurs. No!

It's a dinosaur in England. Eggs! They come from eggs! He died. Ew! It's a dinosaur in England. They come from eggs. He died. Ew. It doesn't die. It died. Eggless.

All right, Jackie, you're up. I'm on the toilet. It ain't coming for me. Why were you born? Some people say I wasn't. Some people say I was made in the lab. My award is the best person to be stuck next to on a 24-hour Greyhound bus ride. I'm a shoo-in.

Without air conditioning. I'm a shoo-in. Without air conditioning. So I'm out. Everyone here is nominated, including you, Mary. I also wanted to nominate Garfield the Cat. And I also wanted to nominate Veruca Salt from Willie the Band. No, not the band.

I'm talking about like, go get out. I want it now. Oh, okay. And I'm going to have to say probably Burrito Intern because she's going to smell like burritos and she's not going to have any money and she's probably going to hit me up at a gas station for smokes. All right. All right.

None of you guys won. Fuck all of you guys. Mary won. Mary, do you want to have an acceptance speech? Mary. Mary, please you're welcome good night Stop talking. Good God. Shut up, Mary. Take it easy, Mary. The beautiful. The dinosaurs are alive. That was the longest, most obnoxious two-word speech I've ever heard.

Robert Attenborough just died. He just died. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And 90 years old. No, but that was his brother. Spared no expense. David Attenborough was in the movie. He died a while ago. No, no, no his brother. Spared no expense. David Attenborough was in the movie. He died a while ago. No, that was the guy from Jurassic Park.

Richard Attenborough died. His brother died. The guy from Jurassic Park has been dead for a while. We should ask the corpse fucker. He'll know. There you go. Marcus. Well, let's see here, Attenborough brothers.

Ed Larson, what's your award in the meantime? My award is for most talented racist. Thank you for the nomination. Mary's like, please don't let me win. No, unacceptable. Nominees are Jackie Zebrowski. Oh, I know you're very good. I dare you to eat my my skirt and in my peep.

Marcus Parks. I am very honored for this award. Holden McNeely. I'm Jackie and I'm Blackman. I'm a Blackman. That's not. And I'm Jack the Ripper. I got the girls. That's right. It's'm Jack the Ripper. I got the girls.

That's right. It's all wrong, Holden. It was really black man. All right. For me, for fine, my black man, I am black man. We got to get out of here. All right. George Washington.

Very nice. Racist, but a strong great American. Miles Davis. Wonderful man as well. Very nice. Racist but a strong great American. Miles Davis. A wonderful man as well. Josh Potter. That's good. There it is. Polish.

And Ben Kissel is also nominated. Well, I've never said anything racist and I never have. And the award goes to, obviously, and it has to be Miss Jackie Zabrowski. Oh, I think you're pretty much I think you're pretty much I use my job stick, I put in my tiny pussy. Why is the pussy

so tiny? Oh, because it's sideways. It's too tiny and they take the thread and they stitch it up and they make me so Tiny Down there. All right. Now it's racist and it's done. All right.

I want to read. I want to read. I want to read. I want to read. I want to read. I want to read. I want to read. I want to read.

I want to read. I want to read. I want to read. I want to read. I want to read. I want to read. I want to read. I want to read.

I want to read. I want to read. I want to read. I want to read. I want to read. I want to read. I want to read. I want to read.

I want to read. I want to read. I want to read. I want to read. I want to read. I want to read. I want to read. I want to read.

I want to read. I want to read. I want to read. I want to read. I want to read. I want to read. I want to read. I want to read.

I want to read. I want to read. I want to read. I want to read. I want to read. I want to read. I want to read. I want to read. I want to read. I want to read. I want to read. I want to read. I want to read. I want to read. I want to read. I want to read. It's a dinosaur Gotta get out of here Be done Come to the sausage party October 5th Please come we're gonna have a trial I made plans Yeah I can't be there

That's okay I'm gonna kill you if you're serious All your favorite Cave Comedy Radio people will be performing there at the show upstairs and then we will also be doing live podcasts downstairs.

I got to meet my aunt for dinner. Can we wrap it up early? If your aunt comes for dinner, I will let you leave. Can I plug my podcast or no?

Yeah, yeah, of course. Hey guys, if you're interested, check out the Donkey Sphere debate on iTunes. The Donkey Sphere debate? Yeah, it just means ass, guys, if you're interested, check out the donkey sphere debate. The donkey sphere debate? Yeah, it just means assholes talking.

Nice. And it's on iTunes. Yeah, that's where we're at right now. You put donkeys on it, I'm down. Yeah, well, there's no donkeys on it. Do you know what donkey meat's called? Do we know what donkey meat's called? Yeah.

Larson's? I don't know. Poopy. Poopy. Poopy. Edit out the plug, but keep the poopy line. Okay. It'll make sense that way. All right.

And you got a show every Tuesday at Bar None in New York City. Every Tuesday at Bar None and third Saturday of the month at Revival. I can't make it. I've got all those days I have dinner with my aunt. Gotta go. Goodbye. Amen, America.