The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 211: The Skies of Etherea

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

Today on Round Table: a horse pulling a coffin dies in the middle of the funeral procession, a crew member dies by cop while filming an episode of Cops, and a young boy in China tries to kill a construction worker for being too loud. Joining us today: Amber Nelson, Myka Fox, and from the sketch group Man Boobs: Danny Tamberelli, Jeremy L. Balon, and Brendan O'Rourke!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds. Lay on, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Marcus, start us with a prayer. Today I want us to pray to the Indian god Kali. Oh, Kali. Yes, the god of destruction

and the god of energy. That motherfucker owes me money, man. It's a woman. A motherfucker can be a woman. The god of destruction is a woman? Perfect. Absolutely. She's the god of destruction. She is also the god of energy. For right now, today, we are at a low

energy. And we need to bring ourselves up to a high energy. Kalima. Kalima. Good job, guys. Is that it? Welcome to the round table of gentlemen, everybody. The greatest podcast that's ever existed. Jackie Zebrowski isn't here.

She's busy eating. But sitting in for her is... Amber Nelson. Thanks for being here, Amber. Thank you for having me. It's wonderful. I'm Ed Larson, of course. I slept here.

I spilled beer in my pants. I'm a mess. Eddie and I were here until 7.30 in the morning arguing with the bartender because he kept on playing Kid Rock. And I love Kid Rock as a person. Musically, not the until 730 in the morning arguing with the bartender because he kept on playing Kid Rock. And I love Kid Rock as a person. Musically, not the greatest. It's garbage. Yeah. Oh, it's horrible. Holtnators, ho!

From your head to your fucking toes. You already said that last week. Did I? Yeah. Do a bunch of fucking blow. Alright, everyone. So today's show, once again, isn't gonna be good. I wanna say right now, thank you for the ball picks we've been getting in. We got a couple ball picks rolling in.

They make me want to fucking throw up. Listen, you sent us pictures of their balls. We asked for pictures of your balls. You sent us pictures of your balls, and it makes me want to vomit every time Mark is forward to me. You got one right there? Yeah, this one is from listener Jeff. He says, urgent notice for the round table. You can

now start piecing together your hermaphrodite email photo creature Holdenator's hoe. Holdenator's hoe. Jeff, you have nice balls. I'll go ahead and say that. I don't know who you are. Oh, yeah. Take a look at those. Those are nice. Those are nice balls. Alright, let's introduce the rest of the people before we discuss those

disgusting testicles. Those are nice. We got them, boys. All right. We're sending them in. We got some great- We got tits. We got taint.

We got balls. We got ass. I could go for more tits. Yeah, definitely send us your tits and all your tits. I'm going to put fucking nipples on them and they'll be tits. I mean, you would think differently about balls if babies had to suckle on balls to get milk. There you go. I would love to put some nipples on my balls and have a baby.

Whoa. Come on. I didn't say it. I didn't finish the sentence, and I didn't mean it. This is a satirical program. Everybody, be a sat. Sitting in for Kevin Barnett, we got the Micah Fox. Blackest chick we know.

Oh, absolutely. Micah Fox, she's got a great program there. I don't want to do that. No, definitely not. Whatever you're trying to start me doing, it's a mistake. Definitely not. Micah's going to be racially sensitive today. And you have a show called

Micah Fox and Friends. That's right. So check that out. And then we're joined by three great... Murder Fist performed at a show called The Macaulay Culkin Show in Bushwick. Yeah. And there was a sketch group called Man Boobs. And I'll tell you one thing. It described how Murder Fist performed at a show called the Macaulay Culkin Show in Bushwick. Yeah. And there was a sketch group called Man Boobs. And I'll tell you one thing. It described how Murder Fist looks because they all have male tits and they're fat and ugly men.

But they're Man Boobs comedy. Brendan O'Rourke. Hey. Hi, everybody. Thank you. Hi. Hey. Thanks.

Charming fella. And then there's Jeremy. And Jeremy, you know what? I asked Brendan for your last name. You know what he didn't do? He didn't care. Remember it. Yeah. He doesn And then there's Jeremy. And Jeremy, you know what? I asked Brendan for your last name. You know what he didn't do? He didn't care. Remember it. Yeah, he doesn't remember your last name.

I don't care. Balin. Whatever, though. Jeremy Balin. You said Balin or Balin. Yeah. You said Balin or Balin. I'm pretty sure it's Balin, though.

Balin? How is it? What is it, Jeremy? It's... Do you know? Balin. It's Balin. Let's go, Balin.

I call bullshit. Say, I'm Jeremy Balin. I'm Balin. Let's go, Balin. I call bullshit. Say, I'm Jeremy Balin. And I'm proud of my last name. I'm proud of... All right. And there's a fella, I gotta say it, there's a program back in the day called Pete and Pete, and we're here with the younger Pete, Danny Tamberelli, and he's also in Mamboobs, and thanks for being here, Danny.

Oh, thank you for having me. That was a lovely introduction. It wasn't bad. It was okay. It was average. I mean, I would take you on the road to all the bad markets. You want to come and do my Oshkosh show? Oshkosh, Wisconsin?

I'm from Stevens Point, baby. That's my homeland. Yeah. Tell me about Oshkosh. Reasons to go there. Oshkosh, Wisconsin? I'm from Stevens Point, baby. That's my homeland. Yeah. Tell me the reasons to go there. Oshkosh on the water. Wrestling tournament. There was a boy, and he was 135 pounds, and he was wrestling another boy 135 pounds

because that's how they organize these things. And you wouldn't believe it. I'm sitting there. I'm wearing my sweats, and I'm vigorously drinking and eating Gatorade and granola bars. And I hear a scream come from the auditorium. It's the loudest scream I've ever heard in my entire life. Someone saw you?

No. But that's a funny joke, Eddie. And I ran. Eddie! God, that fucker. Eddie's out. He got you. Jeremy, I'm giving Eddie's joke to you.

Good joke, Jeremy. Thank you so much. It's kind of like my last name, which is. Hilarious. And so I rushed towards the screams because I'm a hero. And turns out a guy, a boy, arm bent backwards. Ooh. Yeah.

Disgusting. He got thrown down on his back. The arm literally just went straight back. Did it break? Oh, he was touching his own shoulder, but like the wrong way. Oh, that's fun. Oh, I nearly vomited. That's great.

Was he wrestling, or is this just some guy in the audience who, you know? Who didn't know how to move his arm right. No, he was wrestling. A guy picked him up, you know, as you would, because he was in the down position. He was trying to stand up. A guy stood him up there and brought him down to the mat. And the guy tried to brace himself with his arm and then his arm said, I'm not here for you, buddy.

I'm going to fail you. And then the arm really got hurt. Hell yeah. It was great. Either way, I got eighth in that tournament. Okay, that's good. That's good. Out of how many? Nine. Nine.

So you beat one. One guy didn't show up. And you beat that guy. Oh, I destroyed that ghost. I was number one. By the water. Oshkosh by the water. But yes, thank you, Danny.

You don't even need a place to stay then, right? You don't even need a hotel. No, I'm going to stay with the guy who broke his arm. He's still on the mat. Danny Tamberelli and I. Check us out. Ben Kissel and Danny Tamberelli. Stop reading it off the paper.

I just want to say, Ben, you've been doing such a great job of reading the names off the paper. Danny Tamberelli. Tamberelli. Tamberelli. Well, again, Eddie and I were here until 7.30 in the morning. I woke up drunk at 3 p.m. Oh, my. Did you sleep in the fucking...

As you do. I slept in this room. Oh, you did? Yeah, people were mad at me. Oh, no one was mad. Was Marcus mad? I was supposed to be at work. They were mad.

Oh. I woke up at 3 p.m. I was like, oh, it's 3 a.m. I can go back to sleep. I was like, oh, wait, I was up to 7. You thought time reversed. Yeah. That damn 12-hour time difference.

When were you supposed to be at work again? 11. At 11 a.m.? Yeah, and I woke up at 3. Uh-huh. Well, I hope you don't get fired from that cheesesteak place. They didn't fire me. Of course they didn't.

They're such softies. I would have fired me. What was going through your head when you went to bed at 7.30 in the morning thinking, hmm, I have to be at work soon? Eddie and I were just listening. I was trying to get old country music playing and Eddie was trying to get his rock and roll playing and we were just arguing with this bartender who kept on playing

Kid Rock. Well, that is the perfect mixture between old country and rock and roll. Truth be told. Listen to us. I just started living it. You started this thing by saying you didn't have a problem with Kid Rock personally. I love Kid Rock. As a person, I think he's hilarious.

He's wonderful. He's got good political points of view. I want to go on the cruise. The Kid Rock cruise? He does a cruise. Is it just on a lake? And they just put him on a boat and throw you a beer? Kid Rock's six-annual, chillin' the most cruise. Fuck yeah, dude.

Chillin' the most. Sold out. Who's on that cruise? It's always sold out. Who's on that cruise? It's always sold out. Who's on that cruise? People who are chillin'. It's the hot tune boat in Lake Havasu.

It's just Kid Rock chillin' the most. Everyone else is having a terrible time. I would watch Kid Rock chill my entire life. I would love to go on a cruise with him.

How much does that vacation cost? Well, I do know the lineup. Special guests will not be announced until they're on board together.

You don't know. You don board together. You don't know. You don't know. You don't know what's going to happen. That's it. Kid Rock and special guest Uncle Cracker. It probably is. I think they've done it before. I'm sure.

It's going to never last. I can't believe he killed that midget, man. He didn't kill the little person. Kid Rock killed him. No, the disease killed him. Well, I mean, he made him go on tour, and his little body couldn't take it. Well, I mean, you have to treat him like people, Eddie. He wanted to go on tour with him.

I don't care if you weigh 80 pounds. You're drinking all this booze. What was the name of the little fellow that he used to rock and roll with? Joe C. Joe C. I love that little kid. He looks so fun in those green suits. Who does his part in Ball with the Ball now?

I don't know. Peter Dinklage? If little people are like little dogs, that means they have bad heart problems. And he was probably doing a bunch of blow and fucking wrecked his old bullshit up. Yeah, Kid Rock killed this little fucker. He died doing what he loved. Yeah. Blow and hookers.

I'm just so happy Jeremy without the last name is here. Marcus, what's a news story? Hey, all right. Let's see here. A crew member on the show Cops was shot and killed by police during a robbery in Omaha. Wow. I love this story. Bryce Dion, 38, was an audio technician on the Langley production show

and is the first production member killed in the 25 years the show has been on the air. Darwin Award. Come on. He was asking for it. Oh, let's see. The crew had been filming in Omaha all summer on On Tuesday night, about 9.20 p.m., he and one other crew member, a cameraman, rode with officers responding to a robbery at a Wendy's restaurant. The suspect died at a Wendy's.

I got 15 square burgers. Pretty good robbery overall, I would say. The suspect, Cortez Washington, 32, fired two shots at the officers who responded with a hail of gunfire. Dion was separated from the cameraman and caught in the crossfire inside the restaurant while Washington was shot and killed outside. But this happens all the time. It does it. It's the first time it's happened in 25 years.

Is this in the article? No, I never listen when Marcus speaks. But no, in New York City, there was just that robbery a year ago where the cops sent a bunch of bullets flying. They ended up injuring three people and they did end up murdering the one guy they were going for though. But this is standard practice.

I mean, if you've ever seen, I remember that time that dude got stabbed in Cheaters when the host got stabbed on the boat. Man, best episode ever. They air in this fucking show. What was that? People are going to make so much. People are going to watch Copsica.

Cheaters. What was the name of that guy? Joey Greco. Oh, was that it? Was it Joey Greco? I believe so. Joey Greco got stabbed. He was on a boat or something.

Yeah, I remember that. It's all fake. It used to be real, but after that. He's like, I got you. Stab. It's the funniest clip ever. So what you're telling me is that show Cheaters is actually real? It was for a while, and now it's totally fake.

One guy takes an ice cream cut and shit changes. That's when you start scripting. That's about the turning point to script. Well, it's all fake now because there was a Supreme Court rule, and it's the same thing that you can't call in actual people any longer on the radio. All those War of the Roses things, I'm about to burst your radio bubble for those people who listen to terrestrial nonsense. It's all actors.

I'm doing that on Tuesday. Yeah, I did it last week. Yeah. All right. I got set up for the gig, but then I didn't want to get up at like five in the morning to do it, so I just didn't get back to the dude.

But I was all registered with him or whatever to do it. People don't know that. People still think it's real crawlers out there. Pretend to be a dude who got cheated on or whatever. Yeah. But I tell you what, cops about cops blazing bullets. Every room I walk into, I think, where can I hide? What is bulletproof?

I agree. If shit were going down. When you're in a subway station and those big garbage cans, I think you can hide in them. And those are bulletproof. Absolutely. Absolutely. And that's why you're always found in garbage cans. It's all coming together.

You're going to die stuck halfway in one of those garbage cans. Just all lit up with bullets. It's funny you say that, though, because I agree. I'm always walking down the street hiding behind poles and things, always ready to duck behind something. Yeah. Those are some big poles. You guys live in the demilitarized zone? What the hell's going on? I don't know. We're to duck behind something. Yeah. Those are some big poles. Yeah.

You guys live in, like, the demilitarized zone? What the hell's going on? I don't know. We're living in the world, man. Danny, open your... That's not the world I've been living in. I don't know.

Different worlds. I guess so. I mean, it happens all the time. Amber, how many times have you been shot at or caught in a hailstorm with bullets? Um...

Or fingered by, like, a guy running by, like, real fast. Different question, though. I don't know. I don't know. Yeah. Da-da-da-da. Da-da-da-da. Da-da-da-da. That's what I question, though. The listener that sounds is the diddle. Oh, man, I love doing that shit.

Amber? How many times have you been randomly fingered? Randomly fingered? Drive-by fingered. I'd say once or twice. They were just like, what's happening? Yeah. Interesting. And it was in public

yeah just like at a concert or something oh hot stuff yeah yeah and they went in from the back or the front

oh my god Finn he said he started with hot stuff it's hot stuff that's a hot story your spank file for later

when you fucking flakawaka I went to a concert. I beat my dick until it's soft. Wait, no, I never touch it. Just when, yeah, you used only babies. Everyone beats their dick until it's soft. That's why you do it.

Well, I've never gotten hard. Good for you, buddy. You'll get there. I had a girl, I was at a Reverend Horton Heat concert in L.A. a couple years ago. And some girl made me finger her. Right in the middle of the concert. She like took my hand and put it down her pants. Nice. Was she hot? No.

Were you drunk? Oh, yeah. Did you find the gold time? Where's that Reverend Horton Heat? He's like sticking it in a closed drop spot. I was going to say, did you sniff at the end? Of course.

Why would I even ask that question? Ed, how many girls have you fingered in a nightclub? I don't go to nightclubs. Or in a dark bar slash music video? I don't know. Not that many. Okay. Five or six of them.

I don't believe it. Standard. A dozen's good. How many in a comedy theater? 20. That's good. How many in a comedy theater? 20. That's good. Micah, how about yourself? How many times have you fingered a chicken in a nightclub?

Five or six. That's hot stuff. Nice. I love it. So this poor cameraman got shot by the cops, huh? In the press conference, Police Chief Todd Schmaderer? That's right. I think that's Jeremy's last name. You have to say it like that, dude. Schmaderer!

It's pronounced Baylen. Todd Baylen. Baylen. He said that it was, quote, absolutely ridiculous to suggest that his officers may have been showing off for the cameras and that based on the footage their actions

were necessary. He said my concern with my officers is that they are taking this very hard for Bryce was their friend. Schmaderers also said that Dion quote paid the ultimate price for his service to provide the footage of the real life dangers that law enforcement

officers face on a daily basis to television viewers throughout the world. They killed him. They're going to milk this. They're so scum. For sure. Bryce was our friend. Yeah.

Ultimate. Like he's getting the Purple Heart or something. Like he's killing members of ISIS. He's just standing there. You shot the motherfucker. But he got shot outside of the Wendy's. He got shot by the French fryer. Right.

That would have been... Murder. Yeah. But you're outside. He's like, well, you paid the ultimate's. He got shot in by the French fryer or like... Right. That would have been... Murder. Yeah, but you're outside and he's like, well, you paid the ultimate sacrifice. You didn't have to go in there and smell anything.

Yeah, he died doing what he loved, hanging outside a Wendy's. I think America should all know this, that you really shouldn't point a boom mic at a cop

because they will shoot you immediately. I agree with that, Brendan. Well, the guy that they actually shot, the one that was in the gunfire with them, he only had an airsoft gun that fired plastic pellets.

These cops are going crazy. But he had a bulletproof vest, but the bullet that killed him went through a gap in the vest near his arm and into his chest. There's a lot of area to hit. Is he a big guy? I don't have a picture of him, but I'd imagine so. Cortez Washington, big dude. That sounds like a big guy. I don't have a picture of him, but I'd imagine so. Cortez Washington? Sounds like a big guy. Let's not profile.

Sounds like he was smoking PCP, for sure. I think Cortez Washington is one of the greatest names I've ever heard in my life, actually. I would love Cortez. It sounds like someone who you don't steal a french fry from. I'll tell you that much. Up next on the stage, let's give it up for Cortez Washington. Hey, you fucking dickheads. You better laugh at the words I'm saying or I'll tell you that much. Up next on the stage, let's give it up for Cortez Washington. Hey, you fucking dickheads.

You better laugh at the words I'm saying or I'll kill you. Get the shit out of you. Now, Cortez Washington looks like a little guy. Oh. Poor Cortez. And he was the cameraman. No, this was the guy that was, he was the one that started the robbery. Right.

Yeah, he was the one with the airsoft gun, bulletproof vest. And he's already been arrested, apparently. Oh, he's dead. A couple times. Yeah, he had been arrested before. He was not dead at the time of that picture. That's a different arrest picture. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I just wanted to clear that up. Yeah. Micah, what do you think about these cops? Too many guns with these cops. Yeah, but what are you going to do? You just got to let them do it, you know? Fuck yeah. I love Micah Fox.

She's so smart. Yeah, fuck it. They got guns. Let them shoot. Yeah. All right, fine. What, you want to not use them? Yeah, you want to change the rule for everything.

Take all the guns away for every five of them. You give them a bazooka. That way, the one dude with the bazooka, he can kind of control the other four. We get $10 million of extra surplus every year. We take it from the military and we give it to the cops. You know why? Because they got fucking guns. They want to play.

Well, that actually happens, yeah. It's fucked up. That's the sad thing about it. I mean, did they teach him not to kill innocent people, though? No. No, no, no. They killed a cameraman. Well, then maybe that's what, you know, just thinking.

They should go through the same training that this fellow there in that Men in Black movie had to go through. Will Smith? Yeah, Will Smith. Remember that? When he was looking at the person crying there, the alien crying, reading the newspaper there? It's racist. At the beginning of Men in Black. No, it's not.

And all he did was shoot the little white girl. Because she was dangerous. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you just have to cry and read a newspaper and you're good? And kill random little girls because you think they're dangerous? Well, that's going on your record, Danny Tamberelli. I'll tell you that much.

I love how you had to look at the damn sheet and say the man's name. I've been drinking for 36 hours. And 37 years. I'm just glad that my two uncles who are NYPD cops won't be listening to this. Oh, they'll be listening. They're number one fans. I don't know. Well, my one uncle was like, well, you know, whatever.

Like, we got to do what we got to do. That's what I'm saying. I mean, they do say that. And they're like, well, it's my life versus theirs. It becomes a very, like. Every day you're putting your life on the line, you know? Right, so you think about your life before you think about someone else's. And then you're going to help them.

You and your boy. You and your fellow cop brother he's your boy yeah you love that dude and he gets give me two give me two

he takes one fucking right in the fucking forehead he's got a bullet lodged in between the cortexes and then he's fucking sitting there staring at him

he's bleeding out his fucking head he's looking at this bit this little girl what are you doing playing with candy fucking shooting a gun off, you know, fucking playing with her pussy and shit.

Oh, God. Getting into it, too, and they start making out. Was this the same nine-year-old that had the Uzi that killed the guy? Yeah, man. I would see this movie. I saw that video, man. That shit's fucked up. It cuts it off right before she does it. So you hear her, even though it cuts it off, you hear the sound, and she goes like, oh, no.

Well, it's a different news story, but let's discuss that. The nine-year-old that shot her instructor with an Uzi. Danny, what do you think about giving a nine-year-old an Uzi? I don't think it's a very good idea. I think you're smart. You're going to start them off with a 22. At nine years old? Let me ask you this.

That's what I shot. Start them off with a 22. At nine years old? Let me ask you this. There was a Mary who works for us now, and she's a great woman, and she's working for free. And she's right behind me. For burritos. For burritos, which is actually offensive to say to her. It's offensive to give out her salary. There's a Chris Gunderson statue right over there by Olivard Creek. Granderson. Curtis Granderson. Curtis Grand Gunderson statue right over there by Olivard Creek. Granderson.

Curtis Granderson. Curtis Granderson. And it's right by Olivard. Put it up and read it off the statue? It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Edit! Leave it alone!

Leave it alone! Why am I getting yelled at? Edit! What I'm saying is, that statue has a warning on it that says, not for people under the age of eight years old. It's got a huge warning on it. Not for people under the age of eight years old. It's got a huge warning on it. Not for people under the age of

eight years old. It is a bobblehead. There's an Uzi in the hands of a nine-year-old. There's something wrong with that, right? God bless America. No one can see it, but everyone just put their hands over their hearts. Can I ask you this? Was she a cop?

If she was... I'd see, she was a cop in training. If she was a woman behind the badge, I'd have a different thing to say about this. An undercover nine-year-old cop. That means that she wasn't doing her training right. She'd be suspended from the force for two days. And then allowed back on the street. Is she the cop? Is she the little girl with the Uzi in her fucking panties talking to the old priest?

And he's like, oh, let me see. Can we go into the back room? She's like, oh, please. That's the movie I want to see is what you're writing right now. Ed, how many times have you fingered a girl at a comedy club who had an Uzi in her panties? Oh, man, twice. Wow, not bad.

We knew it happened. I always bring this up, but Ed used to have an AK. Anytime we talk about guns, you know? I love my... You had an AK, Holden? No, Ed had an AK. Holden can't have... I had to hide it under my bed for a couple months.

Yeah, when I got arrested, Holden took it upon himself to go to my house and take my gun and bring it to his house. Yeah. By the way, that's a felony. I got his AK and all of his ball pieces. Yeah. This is a satirical podcast. This is just speculation.

No, no, I've never been licensed, and I had that fucker under my bed. That's right. Come and get me, pigs. You fucking suck. God bless America. I like that, Danny. Very patriotic, and this is a 100% American podcast. I like that, Danny. Very patriotic. And this is a 100% American podcast. I like Russia.

It's a very fun, cold place to be. That's not the right song. That's wrong. Yeah, it was about Russia. It's an American. Russia's horrible. Yeah. Do you know there was this group of Muslims found in Russia that were living in these catacombs?

Because they were like, oh, we think that Allah doesn't want us to experience sunlight. So there were babies born underground and they would live there for like 10 years. That's kind of cool, though, because that's where like lizard people evolve out of. Yeah, I was going to say olden, yeah. Underground humans. Yeah. Their skin complexion must be wonderful. Yeah, it's all like

pale. Like nasty. Pale and nasty? Yeah, it's just fucking horrible. Can we see them? Yeah, you see some photos of them. And there's a different kind of

pale. There's the pale that's like healthy pale and that's the God-given skin color you have. Mostly Irish. And then there's

pale that's like, oh, you are depleted from nutrients. Yeah, it's like salamander pale. No vitamin D for you. So Jeremy, when did you get out of the cave?

Well, I think I escaped in 06. 08, I learned I had to go back because I forgot my Taibo workout. The Billy Blanks Taibo, yeah. My workout VHS. But the thing is, I can't give them the upper edge, you know? I wanted to be the guy who knew all the Billy Blank. Moves, yeah. No, no, no, not moves.

I want to know Billy Blank. It's not about the exercise. It's about me knowing a guy a little better than anybody else. Billy Blank shot a cop. Really? What? Shot a cop? He never shot a cop.

All right. Now we're just shooting at a cop. All right. Let's get it shooting at a cop. All right. Let's get it back down. Bang, bang, bang. Bang. Ba-ba. I'm sorry.

Danny Tamberelli. All right, Marcus, let's do another news story. So a cameraman was shot outside of a Wendy's because he was trying to film the cop shoot somebody else. And he's dead. Next story. That's that one. He's dead. Next story.

That's that one. A brother and sister in the U.S. are behind bars after allegedly having sex in a tractor trailer parked in a church parking lot. And listen. Oh, man. This is almost as romantic as The Notebook. Well, I've got something for you as far as The Notebook goes. Police say Christopher Buckner, 20, and her half-brother Timothy Savoy, 25, admitted to committing incest three times after watching the Ryan Gosling romance, The Notebook. What? Whoa!

Is that your picture of The Notebook? On this article. That was magic, what you did. It's a half thing. What's that? What's the half thing? Is that still incest? Half-brother incest.

Come on. Or we all know. Hey, come on. They came for that. You're going to take it away? It's incest, man. Oh, they wanted it. Yeah, it's incest? Half-brother incest. Come on. Or we all know. Hey, come on. They came for that. You're going to take it away? It's incest, man. Oh, they wanted it. Yeah, it's incest.

It's three counts of incest, in fact. You know, Ryan Gosling's a product of incest. That's why his eyes are like that. What? He talks all weird? Yeah. No way. Yeah, like, you only get retarded three or four generations in, but the first couple

are really pretty. Well, I loved his... I loved his... That's true. Look at the Bush family. This is what I've been telling my twin brother since the day we were born, but he ain't buying it. Mikey, you have sexual fantasies about your twin brother all the time.

Who wouldn't? Have you seen the notebook? Is this so bad? Out of all the things to arrest somebody for, just a couple of people foreign-cating. It was a church parking lot. As far as I'm concerned, they do it anywhere else. They're fine. Yeah, church parking lot. No way, dude. Adam and Eve's kids are like boning

like crazy. Yeah, we're all... If you are truly a believer in the Christian... They love each other a lot. If you believe the Christian mythology, then yeah, we're all members of incest. We're all from families having sex with other, you know, people inside their family.

So just fuck me, Josh. God damn it. Why are you withholding? That's your brother. Josh Fox. Yeah, that's disgusting. I mean, come on, Ed. It's like if you met a fucking dog with a hot woman's face,

you'd fucking bang the shit out of that broad. That'd be my sister? Yeah. Thank God I don't have one. That would've been insulting. I have two and I'm insulted for you. I agree. Should the cops be arresting this couple?

What do you think, Amber? On a church parking lot, they should be like, eh, get out of here. Yeah, you're arrested. So it's scram, kids. Get out of here. Yeah, scram, kids. Get out of here. Yeah, scram, kids. Get out of here. Because people have done a lot worse in church. You know, like molesting children. And they get away with it. So

just tell them to get out of there. Yeah, but they're not related to those children. Yeah. That's true. You make a good point. Sometimes they are, though. What is... Why is incest so frowned upon? Because it makes retards. All the generations in, it's like you guys can't hear.

Those first three generations are hot as fuck. That's the only reason that incest is bad? I think that the mentally disabled are wonderful people. I will say that that is why it's so bad over generation over generation. You know what I'm saying? Just like being homosexual is bad because back in the day they needed to populate the earth. You got some excess in your family, right? Oh, my cousin. Yeah, my... I thought he was going to squeal

like a pig. My uncle married his cousin on a farm. It was a family reunion and a wedding at the same time. How hot are their kids? They never had kids. I think both their fucking bullshits were all tied up and knotted out. They weren't popping out any fucking gunions. But at the same time,

they also divorced not too long, they were like, I think they woke up like a year later, were like, you know what, this is totally fucked up. And they got divorced. Wait, are we cousins?

Yeah. It's kind of like, okay, we did it, like we proved, we proved that we're an asshole to the whole family. Let's end this. Right. There's no problem,

like the next generation's gonna totally rebel against their parents and be like, I don't want to be incestuous like my parents, I'm going for regular people. It's fine. I'll show you, Daddy. Break my fucking chain. One time I was locked in the closet with my cousin.

Not locked, but it was like the door was stuck. And we were like, oh, no. And I was like, oh, no. We've got to blow each other now. And it was a boy. It was a boy. He's so hot. And how old was he?

My age. How old were you? This was 13. And you blew him then? So what happened next in my darkest fantasy? I used to have fantasies about having sex with my cousin. Yeah, hardcore sex. Why didn't you? Jonathan Young, if you're listening, I used to fantasize about fucking you.

Hot stuff, Jonathan. And you made a mistake, Jonathan. You had your chance with Amber. But now it's gone because she's with a very handsome man. Yeah, he's great. He's not my cousin, but he's great. Yeah. The next best thing.

I'll still send you that birthday card. Oh, my goodness. Hot stuff, Amber. You're really getting Eddie hard. I don't know why I'm talking. Is that what that is? I don't know, Danny. Have you been here all day?

Doesn't matter, Holden. No, this is the part where Ben derails everything. No, it's not, Eddie. No, Danny took my paper. I don't know what their names are. What's my name? Danny Tamberelli. What's Jeremy's last name?

No one knows. Correct. Jeremy, number one experience in your life. Favorite opportunity that you ever had. I once tried to kill Obama. Where are we going? Here we go. That's right.

Jeremy with no last name. Once. You got a weird thing. You got a weird controller, man. I don't know what it is. I don't know what it is either, buddy. But either way, we're good friends from here on out, and I'll work for the prosecution to send you to prison.

It was Dave Obama. He tried to rape me. Oh, I see. Oh, I hate Dave Obama. Which one's he? He's the one who tried to rape Jeremy. He tried to rape me. Oh, I see. Oh, I hate Dave Obama. Which one is he? He's the one who tried to rape Jeremy. No relation to the president. He sounds like an asshole.

Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Not the president. Not the president? Not the president. Dave Obama. Dave Obama. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He played second cousin, so they could fuck if they wanted to. Right. I hate Dave Obama. He's a violent liar. And he tried to fill you up. When we were all kids, we played goof the cousins. Like once. Once.

Before we could get drunk and shit. What is goof the cousins? Elaborate. Danny wants to know. I want to get hard now, too. I want to get hard now. It's hard. I want to get hard.

You should say what you think it is. What do you think goof the cousin is? What do you think Goof the Cousin is? What do you think it is? Yeah. Goofing the Cousin. Get Danny Hardhold and tell him what Goof the Cousin is. Danny, what do you think? Danny, you do it.

In a perfect world for me. This is not about you. It is now. It is right now. It's about me right now. It's about my fantasy about what Goofing my Cousin might be like. You only have one? So first I have to pick. It's a shame. about what goofing my cousin might be like. You only have one? It's a shame. Well, I've got a lot of

cousins. I'm just trying to think of the ones that are well, I guess they're all of age. Fuckable. Get into the good stuff, Danny. They're all fuckable. I know. I think goofing your cousin is sort of like a reach around that goes on and the funny goof is you just

say that in their ear. You go, this is just a funny goof. So it's just a hand job with subtitles. Yeah. I see. I'm a simple man. It takes very little

for me to get hard, man. I like it, Danny. My version of Goof the Cousins. My version of Goof the Cousins, you're on vacation at Disney World. You're at the resort pool. You throw a bunch of pills in the pool, and you say, hey, it's time to play fish eat the pellets. Right? With the cousins, right?

You tell the cousins, you're like, hey, I'm the fisherman. I own the fish house. You guys got to play fish eat the food pellets, right? Without using your hands. Yeah, without using your hands. They go in there, and, I'm the fisherman. I own the fish house. You guys got to play fish, eat the food pellets, right? Without using your hands. Yeah, without using your hands. They go in there, and they're wiggling around. They eat all the fucking fun pellets up. And they're like, hey, what the pellets?

What the pellets? You're like, get out of the pool. You're going to die in that pool if you stay there any longer. You know, because these things are hard. The other night, Eddie, Holden, and I were hanging out. And Eddie and I both said, Holden, if you weren't so funny, we would kill you. And that sentence still stands.

You're an idiot, and you're an asshole. And if you weren't so funny, Eddie and I would kill you. It doesn't matter. I still came. That's all that matters. Danny, No one leaves the room till we all come. Eddie came, Danny came, Amber is already, she came before she came in here.

And of course, Micah doesn't orgasm at all. That's my fault, and we're not going to discuss that on this program. I'm a failure in bed, Micah. I prefer if everybody finishes in my hair. He's going out later. Where do we start? Oh, you're going to play ooky brendan oh i can't wait fucking eating this at the end of the night you're gonna look like that that gal from that that movie there are the chips no you know they are not ed you know this i know this i can't go

until i shave my bush no one speak no Bush? Kill him, guys. Kill him. No one speak for four seconds because Holden just said... A guy's bush is called a fern, I thought. Is it? I don't know. It sounds better. It does sound better. Brendan and Jeremy and Danny, just describe to me, all individually,

how disgusting you think Holden is. I thought it was cold. It's fine. Brandon? Jeremy. Last name, Balin. What sort of scale are we working on?

Are we doing a percentage of one through ten? Just say the first words that come to your mind when you look at Holden and realize... You'd be a perfect person to kill with a bust of Teddy Roosevelt. And Teddy Roosevelt would smile. All right, Brendan, what do you think? I'm going to go with ball nipples.

Okay. I want to draw them on him, yeah. I think you can keep a child alive. Oh, I don't think so. Look at Holden and just tell the world what you think about when you look at that ugly fucking toad.

You can train me. You'd also... Just look at him. And he's an ugly toad. And he's a lizard man. Oh my god. Oh my god. You look like a piece of shit in tennis shoe boxes. He's coming again.

He's coming again. Boom goes the cannon. A piece of shit in tennis shoe boxes. That's good. I mean, I don't know. There's a toad. I was thinking toads. I think it's great.

Load of toads. My dick is delicious. It's true? Next news story. Wait, can you describe that incest sex again? It was a brother and sister. They were in a church parking lot. They were in a tractor trailer.

They had just watched The Notebook. Okay, I'm good. And she came. All right, three out of the seven. If they were members of the congregation, would the priest or whatever would have tried to maybe hide them? To avoid shame in the community? To avoid shame and getting in trouble by the police.

But they probably didn't pay their money on Sundays. They're not paying for it, so they're going to get fucked. It's a money issue. And then they got fucked and then they got fucked. Yeah. Has anybody seen the movie Nymphomaniac?

I haven't seen it. Is it good? I watched it last night and my apartment needs a little cleaning. I jizzed everywhere. You did? You came a lot, huh?

You came to that movie? That movie's so sad. It was weird and sad. You know what was sad about it? That's how he jerks off. That's how he uses lube. He fucking judge me. Oh, that's great. He's crying aloe vera.

I do like some aloe vera. I heard that there was a stand-in vagina and a stand... Porn doubles. Yeah, they had porn doubles. They had real dick sucking and pussy fucking. But it wasn't the stars that were attached to the dicks. No.

I think sometimes there was dicks and stars. Shia LaBeouf really fucked that dick. Oh, I would think so. No, they digitally inserted porno dick cock and pussy. Google it, Mark. All right. I mean, what do you think? That's kind of a fun job to be a dick stunt double or a pussy stump?

I have a great asshole. I could be an asshole stunt double. There's a good movie about that. You'll last six months. You have a great ass. Well, I'm always looking at it. How? Taking selfies.

You're a big man to be taking selfies of his anus. I've never done it before and I won't. That's called a smell fees. We're back on track. I got a friend who doubled her tits in on a movie. Really? Yeah, it's like nobody will know. It's just her tits. So they're like four tits.

They have latex tits that you wear on her tits now. Like if you're on set and you're like Julia Louis-Dreyfus and you're like, no, I'm Julia fucking Louis-Dreyfus. I'm not showing my tits. These are my tits. I'm going to get plastic tits and put those tits over my tits.

Plastic tits over the tits? I would get black woman tits over my tits. That's a great idea. Why would I do that? Blitz. Nobody will know. Chyla Booth

did not fuck the girl in Info Mania. Oh, so that was a stunt cock and a stunt pussy. Yeah, stunt cocks. That was some clever B-roll. Huh. Or D-roll, as it were.

Yeah. You know what, Jeremy? You just got yourself a last name. That was funny as hell. Jeremy? Yeah. It's Jeremy Jeremy. Yeah, the man's so funny that I thought that I didn't have a clever enough last name to name him.

That's a cut. That was funny. Yeah, the man's so funny that I thought that I didn't have a clever enough last name to name him. That's a cut. That was funny. Next news story. That was funny stuff. It was fine. Yeah. No.

It was humorous, though. The audience liked it. I don't know about that. Well, Danny, the listeners loved it. I just talked to the listeners. Yeah. What did they say? It's not fine.

They didn't like it, huh? I said, who the hell is this guy that takes the anal selfies and lets move on? That's me, huh? Anal selfie guy. That sucks. That's a shitty, shitty nickname. It's bad to be an anal selfie guy.

Two years running. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I'm learning a lot. Thank you so much for educating me. Can we learn more about more news stories? Danny, as a matter of fact, can you throw to Marcus for the news story? Marcus, can we get another news story out there? You got it, Danny.

Thank you so much. Yeah, that was so seamless. See that? I've been in this business a long time, pal. Someone's getting replaced. See that? I've been in this business a long time, pal. Someone's getting replaced.

A grieving family were further distressed when a horse pulling a relative's hearse dropped dead during the funeral procession. Stupid fucking horse. Oh, man. You want to see somebody die? Watch me. I'm a horse. I'll fucking die. I'll show you.

No. I'll drag this corpse over my dead body. I've been doing this job for 18 years and I just can't take it anymore. Andy White, 46, from Dorset over in England, said it was horrible. It was my wife's granddad's funeral

and it upset us all. The procession continued by car and despite the incident, Mr. White described the company as, quote, fantastic. Ronnie, the deceased horse, was a middle-aged... Ronnie? Ronnie.

It's a horse, Ronnie. They're English. They're gonna have great, fun racing names. Ronnie's a good racing name. Like, Kiss Me Silly. That's a name for a horse. You know, like...

Kiss Me Silly, dragging your grandmother. Yeah, six feet under. Oh, my God. Now, when the horse died, did they just attach a hook to the horse's neck and then carry both of them

to the grave? Or... Attached it to a tow truck and just finished out. It's fucking... Why are they dragging a corpse like it's a ride through Central Park?

Just fucking put it in the ground. Burn it. In de Blasio's New York City, that wouldn't fly. Don't mention de Blasio again. Why not? He's hated on this program, Eddie. We're against him.

I love guineas. I like de Blasio. Guinea's? You love guineas? De blah, blah, Blasio. That's right. He's always late to his, you know, his media and stuff. That's right.

And then he's tall. Why do you love de Blasio, Holden? Sounds like a fucking Marin of fucking Batman movie. You're a smart guy, Holden. Yeah, I am. I read the Encyclopedia Britannica A to D. I'll tell you what. You don't move that.

You move that. There's more letters after D. No, no, no. Not that my parents could afford. They were old-time people. I grew up in an Amish settlement called Ye Olde Fucker Dick Fuck. The Olde Fucker Dick Fuckville, huh? Yeah.

I didn't know. I remember the Olde Fucker Dick Fuckville. I learned how to churn a bitch's mayonnaise. You could churn a woman's mayonnaise in two minutes. That's great. Oh, I loveurn a woman's mayonnaise in two minutes. That's great. Oh, I love a good woman's mayonnaise. Yeah, you can get a lot of cheese out of a woman if you know the fucking devices. Have you ever thought that you're saying disgusting words?

You want woman cheese, you come talk to me. Right, Amber is actually about to vomit. What if you, like, a woman came on a piece of toast and then you buttered it, would you eat it? I would eat it and butter it. I love good female cum. Depends on how she is. Just female cum on toast. Danny, you ever been squirted on before? No, you don't know. That's the whole thing.

Depends on if she's my sister or not. You've been peed on and you were trying to turn it into something else. Danny, you've been peed on? Only in the shower. Oh, well that's where you do it. Ben Kissel as well, by the way. That's the only, that's when it's okay. And it starts out playful, and then it gets weird.

You're like, no, now you're really peeing on me. And now I just got hit in the face. Oh, don't pretend like it wasn't hot stuff. Were you splashing around on the ground, and she was pissing on you? No, she was just pissing on me, and then I was like, oh, you're going to piss on me? And then I pissed on her and I just pissed on her feet. Why do you shower sitting down? Wait. Shut up.

I keep a squatty potty in the shower because I like to have complete elimination but I do it in the bathtub. You know what's crazy is I feel like Kissel had the same experience with an ex. I've never been peed on a day in my life. He refuses to talk about it, but he told me once they were in the shower and the exact same scenario.

It was playful. They were having fun and peeing on each other, and he always denies it. It's just a joke. I don't think it's anything weird. I don't have, like, rubber sheets. Well, I'll tell you, you've got to get different sheets. But, no, no one should ever pee on each other. But, theoretically, if— But it does seem like some fun play

It's kind of hilarious Like extracurricular to do in the shower Yeah You're washing each other And all of a sudden I can pee And next thing you know there's a turd on the floor Micah, can you tell us about the time Ben took you to the jewelry store?

Oh, it was a wonderful day Alright, so For a full disclosure Mic? Oh, it was a wonderful day. All right, so for a full disclosure, Micah Fox, she's a beautiful woman, and I'm dating her, and I love her very much. And her pussy is good. You do? I do, and you're a bitch. Is this how you tell her?

Well, she already knows. She's very mean to me. She's physically abusive. He begs it. Marcus, while you were doing this, Marcus was showing me a woman masturbating with a cucumber Fucking coming into a salad

That's a hell of a brunch You gotta send me that link My google skills are quite good I gotta hear this jewelry story From Micah Wait you heard it from Actually I've never heard your version, Ben. My version is I'm an unbelievably smart man,

and women love jewelry, and they're stupid. Oh, my God. I'm going to break up with you before the story's over. Fantastic. And when you take a woman into a jewelry store, they're going to be like, I'm a fucking turkey. And you feed a turkey jewelry. Why'd you bring her to a jewelry store?

I brought her to the coolest jewelry store around. Did you buy her anything? K-Jewelers? No, he didn't buy me anything. But fun fact about that place, that is where he bought the last girl he was dating jewelry. And they recognized him. Oh, is this jewelry for her? Like the last jewelry?

And no, it wasn't. What a horrible jewelry store. That's what I'm saying. I'm the victim. You really are. Well, they definitely should have fired that girl. But they wasn't. No. What a horrible jewelry store. That's what I'm saying. I'm the victim. You really are. Well, they definitely should have fired that girl, but they didn't. He also didn't buy me any jewelry that day. What was this?

I wouldn't buy anybody jewelry from that store if they blew your spot up like that. I bought her two different pieces of jewelry from a similar store, and yeah, I was not- And I wear it proudly every day. Yeah, well, and I was not happy with them. Can you imagine that? Oh, is this the girl you bought the jewelry? Is that literally what they said? It's me.

Oh, I recognize you because you're a big ugly dude. You were just in here buying jewelry. Was it for you, miss? No, it wasn't. You should be fired. You should never get laid again. Today.

What jewelry store is this? It's a place called Verameet. It's across the street from, it's on North 6th, right? I bought jewelry for my girlfriend there. It's a great jewelry store. I got her a puppy necklace, but I never bought anybody else jewelry from there. Just the one girlfriend. A puppy necklace?

Well, that's what I've learned. She always wears it everywhere. She likes little doggies. She likes tiny little doggies. You bought her a dog necklace? I bought Micah a gun and a grenade. And you bought your girlfriend a dog necklace. Did you buy her a doggy necklace rather than a doggy?

Yeah, because she likes little dogs. They have heart problems like a midget do. The one that died. Chris Rock's. I think little people. Is it little people, though? I've never had a midget. Can you Google the political...

Yeah, it's little... It's either little people or dwarf. I call them tip-tips. But either way, you know, you just scream whatever at them. They're always fucking wasted at the carnival. Why are you trying to even get fucking, you know... It's like impossible to even talk to them

when they're fucking wasted all the time anyways. Tip-tips. Yeah. Tip dips. Tip dips. I think that's actually, yeah, I think that's what they want to be called now. Yeah. Yeah, that's what they're going by. Yeah. It'd be fun to watch one of them, like, scuba diving.

It's like a little tiny thing. Eating all those pellets. Yeah. A little tip dip scuba dive in there. Tip dip. I saw a really handsome midget in the street the other day. I felt really proud for him. Yeah.

Cool. But my feet are like that jewelry bunch. Peter Dinklage makes so much money. It doesn't make you be proud of him. I'm wearing it now. You know, we got beat up by a midget once. You did, Jeremy? A small little person.

What the fuck? Yeah, we did. It's a tip-dip. One tip-dip beat all of us up. Really? Yeah. One at a time or like at the same time? Why were you jumping a tip-tip?

We paid for that tip-tip. He was pistol-whipping me in the face quite a few times. Oh, yeah. You know what? We did a sketch. Nobody's ever seen it because it was the first pilot that we made. It was all like the stuff in between, but it was us a la Deer Hunter, a la which, you know, I've seen a Murder Fist sketch that's

has some similarities. But I know you didn't steal it from us because it's not anyway. Ed! It's pretty fucking close, though. It's pretty fucking close. Interesting. A Murder Fist-Man Boobs feud. Sure.

I mean, I'm happy about the situation. I'm glad we stole it. Yeah. I appreciate it. So you had. You know what sucks is that we didn't put it out. So you guys get to claim it from now on. We did not.

Idiot. So you had a tiny adult human with you at the shoot. Yeah. And he kept saying, instead of saying, instead of. Meow. Meow. He kept saying meow. Yeah, like a cat saying, instead of saying, diddy meow, meow, he kept saying meow. Yeah, like a cat.

He couldn't figure it out. He just couldn't get it to be a cat. A American man beating the shit out of us saying meow. Yeah, he did slap us all in the face a lot. And we paid for it. He should have paid you guys. I don't know why he couldn't say meow and instead just said meow. But it was so hilarious

He was like Alright whatever guy And you just say Ow So That fucking hurt The next day Was my dad's birthday

So I had to go home And be with the whole family And stuff And I had this big Like scar Next to my Or like this big Scar

Scar that fast Yeah but it wasn't a scar But a bruise Next to my ear And my dad was like So What's up with that huge bruise? What have you been doing? Just a midget, you know, pistol whipping me yesterday. Sorry, I got to show up looking like this.

How's the stock market? Oh, cool. All right, next news story. A worker in southern China was left hanging from 100 feet up the side of a high-rise apartment building when a 10-year-old boy, apparently annoyed at the construction racket outside his window, decided to cut the safety line on the man's repelling apparatus. Yes! Yes!

That kid's going places. Jail. Fucking jail. Chinese jail. No, no, no, no. And that kid's name was Eric Clapton. He's going right to the top, man. He's CEO of the next big Chinese company.

Listen, you got to get shit done. Oh, yeah. That noise is so annoying. What did he cut the rope with? Xinhua, that is a Chinese newspaper, said the boy was watching cartoons in his eighth-floor apartment in Gizhou province. Bugs Bunny did this. As the worker was outside installing lighting, so the boy took a knife and sliced through the rope that allows the worker to move up and down.

The worker was left dangling midair. He yelled down to a co-worker who called firemen. He was rescued about 40 minutes later. 40 minutes? I've got a picture of the guy hanging. What the fuck's going on with the police? Wait, did the 9-year-old take that picture? What?

He killed him, though, right? No, he survived. They rescued him. Really? Happy ending, guys. Damn, dude. I like the picture of the balls better. Just 40 minutes of him hanging there, huh?

Yeah, he said, When I was using the electric drill, I felt my lower rope shaking. Then I saw the boy cutting the rope with a knife. I shouted at him to stop, but he didn't listen. And soon after the rope was broken, that's when I called to my workmate for help. Micah lives in a great place in Soho, but there's been construction outside of her apartment for multiple years. Wouldn't you like to do this, just murder everyone out there? I've thought about it many times.

I purchased a gun, but not the bullets. Just so you can brandish it in the window? Stop making all that racket! I'm going to shoot you, motherfucker! That's a tough civil servant job when you're a construction worker or a window cleaner. No one wants you to be there, but you're doing a public good,

but it's extremely annoying. No, they're not. These fucking union pieces of shit, they pour concrete, then they jackhammer it. Then they pour it again, and they jackhammer it. They've been No, they're not. These fucking union pieces of shit, they pour concrete, then they jackhammer it. Then they pour it again and they jackhammer it. They've been doing this for two years.

They haven't done shit. I mean, I don't work in construction so I don't know what's happening. They've been doing it in real life for like, you know, a couple hundred years. That's usually how it goes. You put down concrete

and you jackhammer it and you put down more concrete and you jackhammer it some more. That's right. That's like the creed of the foreman. It's a vicious circle. Thank you. It is. Aimed at pissing off you.

That's not nice. I like that. Brandon, you're from New Jersey. And your parents were nice, huh? Yeah, we grew up together. Yeah, New Jersey. I grew up with this kid and my parents were people. What'd your dad do? He's in construction. Nice segue.

I'm great at them, Danny. Is that the only thing you're great at? He was an iron worker, so if you travel through New York City with him, he'll point out 17 fucking staircases that he made. That's great. I used to see you pissed off in the car, just like, I can't hear about these fucking staircases anymore, man. It's just stairs. Build an escalator and then we'll fucking talk.

Staircases. See that building on 46th and 11th? Yeah, that staircase from the third floor to the fifth floor. I built that. I love you, Dad. Words that have never been said. Well, the boy, after speaking to police, finally admitted to what he did.

His father, surnamed Tang, was called to come back home from work. He gave Lou, the worker, a sincere apology on behalf of his son and compensated him with a new safety rope. That's it? Yeah, fuck that piece of shit kid.

That kid didn't get the shit kicked out of him? How does he still have it? I bet he got a hundred lashes. I don't know. It seems like this kid is so goddamn wealthy. Cane him. That's what I say. Wait, just a new cable? He already had a cable until his kid fucking broke it.

He's not getting out ahead. You've got to get out ahead. You've got to get more. You've got to get out ahead. I agree. Two cables. You want to punish him? He's funny. He can never drink Tang again.

Because he tried to kill Tang once. No, is this the kid of the dad who invented Tang? Is her name Tang? To you. Son of a bitch. Yeah, the kid is named Tang. Oh, the kid's named Tang? Yeah.

Oof. That's even worse to never have Tang again then. Yeah. Wait. No, you're being serious? The last name of the kid was Tang. But it's not like officially the family. Damn you, Tang! Damn you, Tang!

Damn you, Tang! Is it the Tang family from the Tang drink? I don't think it's the Tang family. They just live in an apartment complex in China. Don't listen to him. Let's just believe that it's the guy from Tang. I like Danny's idea. I'll tell you what.

America would never bring anything Chinese to the moon. What is wrong with you? What is happening? I'm right. Yeah, he's what. America would never bring anything Chinese to the moon. What is wrong with you? What is happening? I'm right. Yeah, he's right. He's right. We brought the whole spacecraft that was made in China to the moon. God bless America. I like that song and I love this country and this is a

USA all the way podcast. The guy that invented Tang, Dr. William A. Mitchell, food scientist, also invented pop rocks, jello, cool whip, Dr. William A. Mitchell, food scientist, also invented Pop Rocks, Jell-O, Cool Whip, and powdered egg whites. Other than powdered egg whites, that guy's my fucking hero. Powdered egg whites? Ski the slopes of powdered egg whites. I might do a couple of lines of egg whites if you're getting a little crazy.

Jeremy, favorite thing about powdered egg whites? Favorite thing about powdered egg whites. I might do a couple of lines of egg whites if you're getting a little crazy. Jeremy, favorite thing about powdered egg whites? Powdered egg whites? Favorite thing about powdered egg whites? He's on it. He's on it again. He's on it.

He's on powdered egg whites right now. Powdered egg whites since he got here. Doing goddamn podcasts while I'm on it. Who knows? It's my gut tissue.

Man, this guy is a fucking serious. He had a lab accident when he was in college that left him with second and third degree burns over most of his body. Wow. His first major success came with a tapioca substitute

he helped develop during World War II in response to the disruption of cassava supplies. And because of this, tapioca quickly became known as Mitchell mud within the U.S. the World War II infantry. That's more delicious, tapioca quickly became known as Mitchell mud within the U.S. The World War II infantry. What's more delicious than tapioca? Mitchell mud. So the guy who invented Pop Rocks blew himself up.

What a wonder. That's amazing. And then they went on to make a television show about him. How did he get his injuries? Walter White. He had Coke and Pop Rocks? Why? Is that weird?

Mitchell Mudd. I feel like that's what you call your cum, Holden. No, I call it drip. I call it roundhouse kick. Roundhouse kick? I call it roundhouse, and then I call it kick, depending on if it hits her in her fucking nose or not. house and then I call it kick depending on if it hits her in her fucking nose or not.

I call it fucking twisted rope when it comes out in knots. I call it lounge singer when it fucking screams at a bitch. I call it holding honey.

You're my little poo bear. You're not. I'll tell you next time on the love connection There's no greater joy than just Asking Holden to respond to something I had nine bitches call it skittles That is disgusting and you're gross Holden And speaking of which It's time for a segment from Holden McNeely.

Oh, no. He doesn't know what to go with. So we had two different ones. People had differing opinions. Do we do... Just do the other one next week. You're fine. So what do you want to do?

Can we stop the segments? God, no. I've been told by multiple... It's part of the show. All right. Well, I would love to end it. Do you want to do a dance or a romance novel? Romance novel.

All right. Create your own romance novel. I'm going to start. Marcus is a fucking million-dollar, billion-dollar book publisher, and he's going to pick up one of these romance novels, depending on what we all go through right now. It's a basic plot. We don't want to get too crazy because we only got fucking 50,

70 more minutes on this program. Not too much more. I don't want to get too crazy because we only got fucking 50 70 more minutes on this program all right so mine's called the skies of etherea all right fucking naked ass well you got to remember too it's got to be like old ladies need to be fucking fingering their fucking wrinkle outs to this you know like so it's not like the same it's not like porno right so there's a man with very long hair he's an angel big wings he's of christ you know get the kind of religious women in there right he's got like a big fucking hose and like there's this chick she's like a nerdy librarian her Her name's fucking Delorius, right?

Delorius? Yeah, Delorius. She works in books. She works in a giant book archive, right? Like in this big ancient university. And she finds this ancient book with an angel's praise in it. And it's like, go out to this certain fucking knoll field or whatever and fucking say the angel's praise and he'll you know and she's lonely and shit and this one dude named fucking nergy is trying to fucking

get at her fucking clam but she was like no if i could fucking clip clop on his fucking ass took her out to fucking see a movie ended up farting in the middle of it so she's pissed right she's not been loved right so she goes out to this field she says that says the fucking angels praise right he comes down you know and um just fucking you know then she's he just fucking takes her to town on the knoll right but then he's got to prove himself but then he's got to prove himself to stay on land now he wants to be a human and she's like yeah i need you to be a human starts like telling him he's got to like clean up more around the house and shit which pisses him off and then he goes out and cuts his wings off in this fucking

protest or whatever right and uh um and then they just yeah i mean essentially it's just fucking from there once the angel comes, they're just fucking kind of... Right. Well, that's interesting to know what you were thinking about for the last 90 seconds. So hot. Hot stuff. Micah. How does it end?

How does it end? Well, they fuck, Eddie. She bites his cock off and goes to heaven. Oh, well. All dogs do. Ah, yes. Micah, what is your romance novel plot? It's called Micah and Josh Fox Finally Fuck.

Oh, take it easy. I love it. Okay, it takes place in 1986, and Micah and Josh Fox are only five years old. How does it start? Where does it start? Go on. Does it start? Where does it start? Go on. Does it start in a closet? Well, it's in Scottsdale, Arizona, and there's a laundry room in between the playroom and

their bedrooms. You had sex with your brother. Ben, let her finish. Let her finish. I've read her story. For once in her life, Ben, let her finish. Eddie! Eddie!

Eddie! Eddie! Fuck you, Eddie! Eddie! Eddie! Eddie! Eddie! Eddie! Eddie! Eddie! Eddie! Eddie! Eddie! Eddie! Eddie! Eddie! Eddie! Eddie! Eddie! Eddie! Are you implying that I haven't made her come? Because that would be true. Micah, please continue where you left off. Playroom, laundry room.

Ben, I think it's important you understand these fantasies. Caller sis. Call her sis So Micah Micah's in the playroom And then she hears Josh's laundry room And she goes in and she's like Hey Josh, you want to touch tongues?

And then what happens? And then they do So is that the extent of it? And then what happens? And then they do. Ah! So is that the extent of it? So is there like multiples? One of those things where it starts off that, that's like book one. Well, yeah, and then there's many chapters of them ditching Hebrew school to keep touching tongues.

It's a very Jewish story. Well, how does it end Micah? He rejects her And she ends up with a big awful Oh it turns so sad there Kissel what do you got? Romantic novel? No What kind of dance would you do? Yes What would you got? Romantic novel? No. Fucking. What kind of dance would you do?

Yes. What would you call it? I would do a dance. It would be called the old jello. All right. And it's just me shirtless. Okay. And they say, look at that old jello.

So that's that. Good job. Thank you. Very good. All right. Going back to romance novels now. You're on, Brendan. Yeah.

Oh, by the way, romance novel? No, no, no, you're done. Oh, I'm done? Yeah. Now you get to do romance novel next week. I'd get with a woman

and make her really like me. Oh, that's what I'm talking about. Yeah, that fucking chick. That's so hot. It's a horror novel. Science fiction. Run, get out of there. It's a horror novel. Science fiction. Run, get out of there. Don't open that door.

That's my novel. Oh, no, he's doing the jello. Everyone gets absorbed by it. Who shaved Bigfoot? He shaves himself now. He's so big. I don't get it. I don't get the joke. Too big. Oh, He's so big I don't get it I don't get the joke

Too big He's so tall A lot of jokes Being flying around And I think the audience Is loving it I'm not enjoying it I just got another

Phone call from the audience They love it They love it Okay good Good Alright romance novel Okay mine's a spin off Of F. Scott Scott Fitzgerald's

Tender is the Night. No! Plural. Well, that's the one we haven't read. Yeah, this is the one nobody's read. It's really good. But it's actually called Tinder in the Night, and it's about our main character.

His name is Tanny Damborelli. And he's just this super foxy dude with long hair. And he's just like super round. Shaped like a bell. What does he get into? What's happening? He's big into social media, like Tinder. And he just, like, finds these girls.

And he just, like, really sweeps them off their feet and gives them, like, everything they want, including, like, extraordinarily. Hold on, hold on. Are you trying to have sex with Danny? Well. Is that what's happening? You don't have to go through all this. You can just come out and tell me. Is that what's happening? Did don't have to go through all this. You can just come out and tell me. Is that what's happening?

Did Round Dibble make a love connection? But like for one night, these girls are just like so swept away. I love it. What's the name again? It's Tinder in the night. Tinder in the night. Good lord This Tanny character Just really

He makes A man A woman feel Like she wants to feel But like just for one night Steamy situation Jeez I always wanted to hug

A bear named Tanny Give me 20 minutes I'll take my shirt off You can hug me Look how sweaty he is. I'm sweating now. It's hot as balls in here, by the way. Yeah, it's fucking hot as shit.

Well, faster you give us your romance novel, the faster we'll get out of here. Well, my romance novel is a take of Mamma Mia, the Broadway, but it's Led Zeppelin songs, and it's called Misty Mountain Bop. Ooh, I like this. Yeah, so basically it's about this guy who's way into Led Zeppelin songs And it's called Misty Mountain Bop Oh I like this Yeah So So basically

It's about this guy Who's like way into Led Zeppelin And he tries to act out All of the weird Like fantasies That are in Robert Plant's lyrics So

You know He tries to have sex with It's mostly just It's mostly It's mostly It's basically Lord of the Rings Because

That's pretty much all They wrote about This weird fantasy shit Yeah It's pretty much You know That because that's pretty much all they wrote about, this weird fantasy shit. Yeah, it's pretty much... You know, that and, like, old blue stuff, like getting their lemons squeezed and riders and, like... Right, right. So he, like, he keeps it old school

and just, you know, basically... I don't... It's basically Led Zeppelin and Lord of the Rings combined with lots of fucking. Well, you got the gift of gab and you got the gift of storytelling and I'm rock hard. I was just trying to get away with it quick.

Led Zeppelin and... Misty Mountain Bop. Misty Mountain Bop. And at the end, every time he climaxes, you know, it's a different end of a phrase. Oh, I feel like I'm...

Will Link from the game Zelda be in it? Will Bowser be in it? Well, no. I have a letter of intent from Link. I'm waiting on Bowser. Marcus, edit that when I said

****. Just leave a big ****. Gaping. Joey, Ed that one. I said ****. All right. Yeah, just leave a big ****. Gaping. Joey, Ed, do you want to go next or do you want to finish it out? Well, let Jeremy go. Jeremy, you give it a go. I think mine's going to be called Hold Me Now based on the 80s song. Okay.

My name's kind of in there, so that's fine. Yeah. And it's about this guy I know named Holden. And he doesn't have arms. Thank God. But the name of the thing is called Hold Me Now. All he wants is to be held and nobody will do it.

And he meets this one nice girl and she's a fencer. And so they're like, no, this will never work. I'm a fencer and you don't have arms. And it turns out that he makes a great practice dummy without arms. And then, like, later down the line, like, he tries his best to, like, put it in her and stuff.

And, like, the thing is, though. Where did you find this guy? It's hard to put it in somebody Who's a fencer When you don't have arms Yeah, that's true But he does actually make it happen Once they hook up

It's no big deal Will there be an ice sculpture scene In the book? There'll be an angry ice sculpture scene So it'll start out as like This is promising This is really gonna work out between us And then it's like

She's like Fuck him, you don't have arms You can hold me now I'll hold the bitch with my legs. That's when she screams, hold me, Holden. Hold me, Holden. Yeah, you can't do it. It's fucked up.

Basically, he... It doesn't really go anywhere. Oh, the love that couldn't be. It's one of the romance novels that you pick up and you're like, oh, this is a great premise, which it is. Right. And then it doesn't really go anywhere. At the end, do you beat him to death with a bus?

Oh, I come. Teddy Roosevelt. Yeah, I come with him. The author comes. You're in there. I am. The author entered the story. And then I came.

End story. And I came. It's not about the material. In parentheses, I just came. Great story. Yeah, that's Powerful Jeremy If I had to choose I would say

Hold me now Yeah hold me now I mean that's number one For me but Eddie's got a lot Oh yeah I think Somebody's back In cleanup

Is gonna kill it Oh uh No I'm just gonna Go the same way That I always do it This movie Monkeys Yeah this book's

Called Come Monkey Come And uh Okay we're getting Right to the point That's what he does Yeah yeah yeah book's called Come, Monkey, Come. Okay, we're getting right to the point. That's what he does, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's called Come, Monkey, Come. And what it is, it's a guy. He's working in a science lab.

And there's a bunch of monkeys there. Matthew Broderick would be great if it ever became a movie. Perfect. I'll get ahold of him. Yeah, and... I mean, but no, you're laughing and shit. But if you're serious, I'll get a hold of him. Yeah, and... I mean, but no, no, no. You're laughing and shit, but if you're serious, I'll get a hold of him.

I mean, you guys think it's a joke, but it's not. So anyway, Matthew Broderick's fucking beating off all these monkeys, and he's just like, he's like, come, monkey, come, monkey,

come, monkey, come. Right. Yeah, and then he's going to town on all these fucking gems and gorillas. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Some old naturally. No more monkeys

coming on the back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No more monkeys coming on the bed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What they're doing is they're getting all the monkeys to come in one bucket, and so they're just going to mix all the monkey cum together. And a couple humans are going to come in there, too. By the way, for the listeners at home, he started making jerk-off motions on himself like he's the monkey. Like he's the monkey.

It's a big bucket, too. It's a very big cum bucket. Are you going to. And it's a big bucket, too. It's a very big come-monkey. Are you going to start reverse AIDS? No, no, no, no. See, what's going to happen is we're going to build a new monkey. We're going to get it this way. So it's come, monkey, come. You get all the monkeys in the room.

One monkey. It's like Noah's Ark, but with all monkeys and come. Eddie is now laughing at himself by the way I want to say no one actually laughed except for Ed at his joke and now everyone is reacting

because Eddie laughed so hard so I want to make that clear for the podcast listeners and all of our we're just gonna have one of each monkey the alternate title for Noah

the new Darren Aronofsky movie, was actually Come, Monkey, Come. We'll purchase the film if you change the title. No, you will not tell me my art. This is not about the Bible. It's clearly Noah. Just change the title. They get the bucket of monkey cum, and they get a funnel, and they jam it in Marge Simpson, and then they fucking pour it all in her.

Marcus, you have a tough decision to make. It's just so sensual. It's hot stuff. The whole thing is... You've got to pick one. Misty Mountain Bop. Hey, Misty Mountain Bop. It's not bad. Marcus, I'm ready to be drunk somewhere else

I love Zeppelin I love monkeys not a whole lot of plot there no plot it's cum it's not plot the conflict, though? The conflict is how do you get it out of her?

Oh, my God. Eddie has a brain, but it's not used for good. All I say, we get him a good editor, come up with a good ending, and we're going to publish Hold Me Now. Yeah! Jeremy, say your last name and say it proud it's bullshit alright that's been Danny Tamberelli are you reading it

how are you fucking reading that name alright and Jeremy Balin alright Eddie Holden thanks so much for being here and Jeremy Bailen alright Eddie Holden thanks so much for being here Micah Fox say the man's name

I already said it and man boobs check out man boobs everyone send them twitter I'm on Ben Kissel what are you at at D Tamberelli I don't really do twitter at man boobs comedy at get girl What are you at? At D Tamberelli. Okay. Jeremy? I don't really do Twitter.

At Man Boobs Comedy. At Man Boobs Comedy. At Man Boobs Comedy. At Git Girl 69 420. And you can see Man Boobs on Thursday at Too Fat for Ponderosa on Grand. It's just called Too Fat, Eddie. I don't know. It's just called Too Fat.

We'll be there. Hell yeah. It'll be at the Grand. And then I'm going to start pressing this, Eddie. I got to do a week at the Creek on October 15th. October 15th? Yeah, that's where it starts. And then it's the whole week.

The whole week? Yeah. You're going to perform every night? Yeah. We'll be out of town that week. I'm going to LA that week. That's so nice. It's going to be hot stuff. Everyone's going to come and they're going to love it.

I'm the greatest stand-up comedian that's ever existed. Who's opening for you? No one's opening for me. I'm opening for myself. Really? Yeah. You should do that. You should do like five minutes

then leave stage and come back. That's hilarious. I will be doing that. That's hilarious. Shut up. Anything Kalman related? Holding Aiders' hoe. Kalman ripping it up.

Continuing to rip it up every fucking day of your life. Can Murderfist open for you one night? Murderfist can. I want the Kisselites to get out there. Let's join a Facebook page. Let's get 500 strong, and then we're going to start attacking people on Twitter, which

will be exciting. What's this? Kisselites. Oh, come on. The Benini Weenies. No, I don't like Benini Weenies. It's weak sounding and pussy. Everyone has their own little crew, apparently.

It doesn't matter, Danny. But it's the same four guys that just like all of it. Yeah, Benini Weenies was the nickname we gave them. They made a fan page for them the very next day. I rejected it. Banini Weenies is a great fucking fan page. I'm done with this shit. Holdenators hoe. Everyone smoke a bowl

and fucking forget about the parents. Don't forget to send in your pictures of your balls. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Send us your tits. Don't listen to Holden and let's see some butt cracks. Guys, I'm sending you my tits and my balls. Thank you. Holden Send us your tits. Don't listen to Holden, and let's see some butt cracks. Guys, I'm sending you my tits and my balls. Thank you. That's so nice of you.

Holden, just drop my mic. I want you to fucking see inside of you. I want you to put a camera up in you. Your GoPro. Your ass or your puss. We're going to attach a GoPro to the head of your dick. Yeah, and I want you to put it in you, and that's the picture I want. You want colon pictures.

I want, but use the flash. Don't be an idiot. Selfies. All right. God damn it. Make sure that camera's sideways. Should we go? Yeah, we're done.

Okay. The whole thing's over. Hey, Dan, you want that squirting video? What's that? You want that squirting on the salad video? Oh, I mean, if you got it queued up, I could just look at it real quick.