The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 212: Tiny Me

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

This week on Round Table: a bull escapes a slaughterhouse in Germany and gores a jogger, two apes at the St. Louis zoo are causing a flutter of love with their sweet serenades, and the Round Table holds its most serious monkey debate yet. Joining us today: Kelly Fastuca and Holden's long-suffering girlfriend, Lexi!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds. Lay out, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Well, can I get a quick test on you, David? Hello, how are you? Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful. Alright, we're good to go. Yeah, what a bare-bones cast. I am. We're riding low

today. Everybody, please close your eyes for a guided meditation. You are my girlfriend, Lexi, sweaty from the heat of the summer. You step into your cleanly apartment, and it might be shower time. So the shirt is removed. The bra comes next.

The pants are slowly ripped off of you by your own needy lust. You step into the shower. Needy lust? Close your eyes for a second. You step into the shower. Your breasts fully out and erect. And

you begin stroking them with soap and bubbles. You shampoo your hair, which is nice. You take out a razor and slowly shave the tendrils off of your legs. And the bushy furs on your toes get shaven as well. And then you put the razor down and oh what's that it's a removable shower head you take it and explore the netherworlds of your supple body

until not uh not a neighbor can not hear the orgasmic screaming that emerges from the bathroom. Thinking of none other than Holden McGill. All right, welcome to the show, everyone. That's disgusting. Uncalled for and perverted. This is the roundtable of gentlemen. We're missing Jackie Zebrowski, but we've got another gal in here filling her shoes. But you are beautiful.

Oh, thanks. Okay. Yeah. Is that what? I don't know. Say who we are. Oh, God. I hope so.

That was, you couldn't come up with an insult. I don't want to be mean to Jackie, but I didn't want to be nice to you either. Okay. That felt like pretty much in between. Yeah. That was like, come here and hug me and smack me across the face as we come close. More just like pushing you on. Okay. That felt like pretty much in between. Yeah. That was like, come here and hug me and smack me across the face as I come close.

It's more just like pushing you on the face. Kelly Pastuca is here. Hey, hey. Oh, hey. Oh, yeah. That's the, I know when like

someone becomes like my friend, like we're close when they start calling me by my last name, which Ed just did. You call me Stooks. Stooks? Yeah, or Pastuca.

No one calls me Kelly. Sounds like an offensive lineman who's getting cheered on while he beer pongs or beer bongs or something. It's a soccer player's name. It's disgusting. It's great. Yeah. It's Italian.

Fuck off. Oh. Thanks for being here, Kelly. Hello. Stooker, Stooker. Yeah. What does that mean? I don't know.

Yeah. How you doing? Do it to her. I'm good. Stooked her. Hard leave. Hard leave. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Stooked her. Hard leave. And grabbed her a bunch. I'm Ed Larson. Stuked her, hardly even, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stuked her, hardly even, you know, grabbed her a bunch. Knew her too well. Holy Lord. I'm Ed Larson. The Dolphins are one and oh. We beat the Patriots. Those pieces of shit.

They're garbage. I will spare you the song because I love you people, but expect it in the future. Miami has a football. They're namely a big team. They're a dolphin. Yeah, that's right. Yeah. And they're the fucking champions.

1-0, baby. Undefeated. 1-0, Miami. They have the winningest record along with the other half of the NFL that won. The teams that won. The Dolphins won on land today. And Holden McNeely is here. Holden McNeely is here.

Fuck you. I'll tell you, I've been reading those Facebook comments. No one likes you. Yeah. Big shout out for the one man that likes me, Andrew Parker. Parker. Oh, these morons. You idiot.

Andrew Parker. There's so many idiots. For giving me this CD. We listened to a couple tracks of these people walking around just pissing other people off. I really enjoy it. And thank you. With the CD and creating my fan page, you have now achieved super fan status. That's right. You can come into my bedroom late at night and watch me sleep whenever you want.

It's so nice of you to do that for your fans. And of course, my beloved is with me today because she can't get enough of me. No, I think we've reached that point. I think I've had enough. Lexi, let me treat you like a human being and I'll introduce you. Thank you.

An actress, a comedian, a talented woman that I respect not for her physical beauty but for her mental talents. For her mental talents. Mental talents. Mental talents. Mental, Lexi is here. Hi.

And of course, as you all know her, she is, she's a pooper. She's a fancy pooper. She's a fancy pooper. She's the Phantom Pooper! I ain't gonna lie to you. No one lies to you here on the round table of gentlemen.

Tell me, what's a Phantom Pooper? It's Lexi. Someone took a dump in our tub in Ben and I's tub and we don't know who did it. October 5th. Lexi stepped in it.

Yeah, Lexi stepped in it. And maybe also did it. I did. Why? She shat in the tub and she Lexi stepped in it. Yeah, Lexi stepped in it. October 5th. And maybe also did it. I did. Why? She shat in the tub, and she chose to step in it for sexual reasons. Someone shit in the tub. They have no idea who did it.

The door might have been unlocked, and someone ran in and shit in the tub. We don't know. It could have been one of our friends doing some weird joke. No one's owning up to it. She stepped in it. We all think she did it. Lexi dumped her. Lexi dumped on herself.

Couldn't you look at the poo and try and decide whose it was? She didn't take a picture. I didn't because I was already in the shower. Right, right, right, right. How did you get it down the shower hole? Well, he has a removable shower head and I just sprayed it down. And the only thing,

the closest thing I could find was some Noxzema. Was it a sloppy poo or like a solid one? Well, it was soft because the water had been hitting it for a while. Okay, so someone

had been drinking whiskey. Well, I mean the water, I mean like I turned on the shower and then I discovered it. There's a lot of holes in the story, man. We've already developed

that. We've already developed a three episode to this. In the audience. October 5th, right here at the Creek of the Cave. Lexi is my favorite of my girlfriends, all right?

And I think that for that fact alone. She's your best girl. She's my best one. Holden, don't pretend. She's my best one. You've never, Holden, thank Lexi for being with you. You're welcome. You didn't do it right.

No, no. She likes my bongo balls. They make noises when you smack them Against the window I've been reading those Facebook pages A lot of people don't think I've been getting laid Violently and aggressively For the past three years

Is that what people have been saying? I read one tweet You have a very lovely girlfriend She's very mean to you and I love it Well yeah but before I was having a bunch of sex Yeah you were I love it. Well, yeah, but before I was having a bunch of sex. Yeah. You were. I will account for that. We heard it. Sounds like a dungeon in there.

It got... It was a real Disney world in there. That's not bad. Couldn't have described anything more gross. Disney world. It's like the hidden room in Disney World. You know, it's like that place in the Magic Kingdom that no one knows exists. It's like, oh, I think there's some room in here.

I can't account for this space. Usually before the show starts, Marcus Parks and I go over news stories. And that's why I'm never so astonished when he reads them. But today I was running a little bit late, so I haven't heard them. And I'll tell you, Marcus, I can't wait for you to get to them. Right after this. Kelly Fustuca. Hey, Ben.

You got to go back to Australia in a couple of weeks. Oh, yeah. Okay. Why? Everyone's going to miss you. Oh, really? Everyone's going to love you. Oh, my God.

That means so much to me. We're sad you're leaving. I'm so sad to be leaving for. What is it? For the permanence or you'll be back? I'll be back but I should be back within like six months. It's like a visa thing. No, no, no.

My visa's fine. I have a green card. I'm all good. Oh, okay. But it was Can you get hitched? I can marry people. Do you want to get married? That's why I brought it up. Eddie, can you marry Kelly and I right now? I can do it. Kelly, you big breasted brain. That's the nicest thing

anyone's ever said to me, ever. My big breasted brain? Because it means that I'm pretty and I'm smart. I did it! Kelly, will you marry me?

Ben Kissel, as I bend down on my knee. Yes, you're so tall, I'll do it. Eddie, is that okay? I can't believe that she said yes. Why would you say yes?

You're supposed to marry us, Eddie. You have an opinion. I'll do it because I'm your friend, but she's, you know, making a bad decision. I've made a bunch of bad decisions. My mom would be so happy, though. You're so fucking tall. Give it out for me. All right, we'll get out.

All right, mark us a news story now that I'm wed. You're giving it out. All right, we'll get out. All right, mark us a news story now that I'm wed. A cow escaped from a slaughterhouse and headed for the grounds of Munich's Oktoberfest Tuesday, triggering a high-speed police pursuit. How high speed could it have been? Cows are fast.

No. The cops are on foot. Once they get going, they don't stop. If cows were fast, wouldn't it be like, I got 60 cow power on this car? Wouldn't they beat the horse? It'll beat the horse, but they're a brick shithouse. Yeah. The bovine, which fled after a worker, mistakenly left a gate open, ran through the southern German city. A 28-year-old woman who was out jogging was injured by the cow.

Police spokesman Karsten Neubert told NBC News the animal stabbed its horns into the woman's back who had to be brought to a hospital with massive injuries. Fuck yes. That's hot. What a way to go. The 1,200-pound animal ran towards... 1,200 pounds going like 17 miles an hour?

At least. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I can check cow top speed. Yeah, 1,200 pounds. That's like a bug filled with meat. A cow can run up to 30 to 40 miles per hour. What the fuck? I would love to see a cow race Usain Bolt.

That would be amazing. I mean, it'd have to be a long-distance race for the cow to win, probably. You think so? How long does it take to get them to 30 miles an hour? Who knows? I mean, how much can you poke them a bunch? Yeah, that's true.

Actually, I have to take that back. That was not the right answer. Because that was a terrible answer. That was answers.com, which I do not trust. Who I do trust, however, is crazyforcows.com. They have the facts. The fastest cow time was in 2003. That was Michigan State University, which held a number of cow races.

Really? The fastest one, her name was... What did you do in college? I studied psychology. How about yourself? I raced the cows. And these cows, by the way, had a saddle and a rider on all of them. The fastest was Little Witch.

She ran the track in 7 minutes and 31 seconds. That translates to about 8 miles per hour. So they're still slower than humans? Yes. Yeah, we started with 30 miles to 35 miles an hour. 8 miles an hour. I said 15. Well, a human who runs a 4-minute mile is actually faster than a cow who runs the mile in seven minutes.

This is why we eat them. But, however, it also had a human on its back. That's going to slow it down. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I don't know about all that. And the one in the story was, what, 17 miles an hour it was going, you said? So this woman that was gored by the cow, there wasn't a human on the cow's back while it gored her, right?

No, that would be awesome. This chick needs to get in shape. She can't outrun a cow moving at max speeds of eight miles an hour. She was a jogger. No, she wasn't. She was a walker. I dare you to run eight miles per hour. You dare me?

I will fucking do it in a minute. We'll make a video. October 5th. Here in the comments. That's funny. We're going to see you make this one. Eight miles an hour. Jackson Avenue.

Clock me. Clock me. I guarantee you this, Marcus. Eight miles an hour. Eddie, you fat fucking holding your lizard worm, and Kelly, you big breasted brain. I guarantee you, and Lexi, you're attractive. I guarantee you I'll run a 13-minute block.

A 13-mph block. You're going to run 13 miles an hour. Down a block. 13. Wow. I'm doing it. The average running speed of a human, short-d distance sprint, 12 to 15 miles per hour, while a long distance run is five to eight miles per hour.

I want him to do long distance. I want him to do four miles in a half an hour. I'm doing one block, and for that block, I'm running 13 cow per hour. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Will you eat a cheesesteak while you are running it? I'll eat it for him. I'll eat three cheesesteaks at a time. What do you run?

A scooter. Yeah, a scooter. If Eddie can finish a cheesesteak before I can go down the one block here on Jackson Avenue. Now we're changing the stipulation. I like this, though. I'm in. Eddie's in. Come down.

October 5th. It's going to be a huge situation. We're going to have sausages, though. I should do, like,, though. I'm in. Eddie's in. Come down. October 5th. It's going to be a huge situation. I should do like two sausages. We'll find sausages, Ed. Two sausages. No. Peppers, yeah. But on a bun.

On a bun. You've got to make sure it's cooled down so that the heat of the sausage isn't affecting your eat time. It has to be a foot long. Never said that before, by the way. Yeah. A foot long you, Holden. It has to be a foot long. Never said that before, by the way. Yeah. A foot long of meat in bread. And I will run a block. And if I can run that block before Eddie finishes that sandwich, every single human being on the round table of gentlemen Facebook pages, the last podcast on the left Facebook pages

has to admit that I'm the greatest human being that's ever existed on radio. I don't think that doesn't. How does that translate? I'll tell you what. I'm going to throw down. While they're doing that, I will sing a song from the hit musical Funny Face. What was the song? I can do what you don't do.

You know that song? No. Did I make that one up? You should sing more of it. Oh, what was it? The pink song. I'll sing the song about loving the color pink and how it's in this year. And how does that song go? I can't remember. We watched it the other day but I was very high. Alright, forget about the Facebook pages. I get free

beer for a year. What? That's right. No! And who? Who's buying this beer? I get it. I no longer pay for round table buckets for a year. No. And I'll say the same thing for you, Ed. I pay for most of them.

Most of them. Who pays for the other ones? Well, I'll give you yours. Why would I jeopardize the little bit that I get back? Well, then I'll pay for your beers for a year, Ed. If I can finish a sandwich before you run around the block. No. A hero? Run a block? Run, oh, no. A hero?

Run a block. Oh, just one shot? The leg, fuck that. No. That's what I'm saying. I'm not gonna be able to do that. I'm not running around. I couldn't do it,

but you're walking it. Oh, you gave up. You have to quit. You have to run around the block. No, you're walking across the road. You're not even giving yourself some kind of challenge. Like, you have to have

more of a challenge. You're giving me nothing here. You're waiting for the light to go green, and you're gonna walk across the road. It's nothing. You're giving me nothing here. You're waiting for the light to go green and you're going to walk across the road and it's nothing. A woman died,

huh Marcus? No, she's not dead. No, the 1,200 pound animal ran towards the Oktoberfest field where workers were setting up tents for the beer festival

which is due to begin in two weeks. Norbert, the aforementioned policeman, said the cow then tried to attack another person and was luckily blocked by a police vehicle, which eventually

got damaged in the impact. Because the cow could not be subdued, officers eventually had to kill it with two shots from a rifle. I feel like they hesitated much longer than certain officers in recent news. Yes, than certain American officers.

They let the cow live longer than a black cow. Than Mike Brown in Missouri. Oh, my God. Hang on. Let's give the cow a go. Let's see what's going on. Yeah, let's see what he's up to. Before we kill him.

Kill the cow. They're not going to be using any of the meat from the cow. What? What the fuck? Officials at the slaughterhouse confirmed that the meat would be disposed of and would not end up on Oktoberfest grills. Why? Because I think it didn't get killed the right way because when a cow gets killed when it's stressed out, the meat becomes really tense and it would be horrible meat.

The adrenaline will get into a cow's meat and then that's why it's not so great. It makes it gamey. So how do you kill a cow all sleepy like? You give it cow masseuse. gamey. So how do you kill a cow all sleepy like? They have a cow masseuse. They got a guy whose job it is to go in there, work those muscles, work the calves

and then he just slits his throat. You just do a meditation with the cow. Yeah, exactly. You do some cow yoga with the cow. It stretches it out. Does fucking downward cow and upward cow and fucking one hoofed cow movement. And then at the end they blow its brains out.

That's why the bolt is good. Oh, man. The bolt gets you right in. The sledgehammer, I don't know. It takes a couple of times for it to die, but the bolt, one and they're done. You guys heard some bad abattoir stories? They fucking freak you out. What kind of stories?

My dad's a butcher. Abattoir, that's what they call slaughterhouses everywhere except America. Abattoirs? Abattoir. Yeah, it's where they kill animals. It sounds cool. It makes you sound like a magician or something. Go to the abattoir, have some tea first. So what happens? Give us a story. So what happens is

cows are dumb, pigs are smart. Pigs know they're going to die. So that's why they're all going up squealing and crazy. And most of the time they just break the pigs legs because they can smell they can smell blood and they're freaking out this is horrible and they just push them in and just like broken legs

push them in and give them like the electric shock in the brain but cows are dumb they're just kind of like and they just go up and they don't know they're going to die so that's why the meat's you know it's a lot better yeah what are you talking about pork's delicious pork's so much better pork's really great I mean that's why the meat's, you know, it's a lot better. Yeah. What are you talking about? Pork's delicious. Pork's so much better. Pork's really great. I mean,

lamb is like the one thing I love, but it's like knowing that you're eating lamb when you, if you've like held a lamb, you're like, I'm a,

I'm a beast. I'm a beast. I don't want to eat pig. I hate sheep. Hate sheep. What do you mean you hate sheep? Sheep are terrible fucking animals. Jesus.

They're dumb. Love sheep. A little lamb, a little kicking lamb. They're fucking, they're dumb. They're stubborn. You fucking shine a light on lamb. They're dumb. They're stubborn. You fucking shine a light on them, they're going to try to jump over the light.

They're terrible animals. You have to have one as a roommate, a frog or a sheep. Which one are you doing? Frog. Okay, he'll finish it in one time. That's crazy. I'm going to go for the frog because I'll get over being afraid of frogs. The frog's 15 pounds.

Sheep. Yeah, frogs are disgusting. Sheep, yeah. But the sheep's going to be louder, but 15-pound frog, nah, nah, nah, nah. I'm good. They both talk and only tell jokes. Ugh, frog. Frogs are funny.

Frogs are a very funny animal. They only say one line. Frogs sing and dance, too, don't they? Hello, my baby. Hello, my honey. People judge the certain culture for eating the dogs, but a lot of people think the old pork product, the old pig there, is smarter than most dogs.

It is. And I think that we should maybe stop eating them. Yeah, I think so. What the fuck? What if we stop eating pig? Why? You don't want to eat ribs anymore? You don't want ham anymore?

You know what I did the other day, Eddie? No. I didn't really. Why? You don't want to eat ribs anymore? You don't want ham anymore? You know what I did the other day, Eddie? No. I bought turkey bacon. And I thought that turkey bacon was superb. It was delicious. I love turkey bacon. It's delicious. Did you go to a Muslim deli?

Was that the only reason why you bought the turkey bacon? No other choices? No, I didn't go to a Muslim deli. What is this, an inquisition? Are you un-American? No. I thought it was un-American? No. Un-American. No, I went to a deli deli.

It was run by Asians. Oh, a real deli. Yeah. But no, I got the turkey bacon because I thought it was going to be less fatty than the porky bacon. Probably right with that. About the same amount of fat at the end of the day. You watch your weight these days? Yeah, I'm watching it get fucking bigger.

Hello. Ladies. No, but I thought it was great. I love pigs. Porky Pig, Kermit the Frog. These are all fake things. Porky Pig's not fake. These are all unreal things.

Porky Pig's more realistic than Kermit the Frog. Why would you ever say that? Kermit the Frog is in live action movies with humans. Yeah, but Porky the Pig says goodbye. That's all folks. I know but Porky the Pig says goodbye. That's all folks. I know, but he was implying goodbye. You have no idea what you're talking about. That's all folks.

No, I do. He says that's all folks. He's very visibly upset. Lexi, what do you think? Porky the Pig or Kermit the Frog? Who would you rather date other than Holden? Kermit the Frog. Yeah.

Yeah, Kermit the Frog's got class. Yeah, he's great. He's hot. And he likes fat bitches. Yeah, and he's in charge.ermit the Frog. Yeah. Yeah, Kermit the Frog's got class. Yeah, he's great. He's hot. And he likes fat bitches. Yeah. Yeah, and he's in charge. He's the boss. Yeah.

Yeah. Women like, you think overall women like Porky Pig over, uh... No. No. No one likes Porky Pig. No. Kermit the Frog can sing. Yeah.

He's a songwriter. Yeah. He's talented. Kermit the Frog over Bugs Bunny. Easy. Yeah. No. Except when Bugs Bunny's dressed as a woman.

That shit is hard. Have you had a lot of lesbian bunny experiences? I wish. Oh, God. How many rabbits have you just sucked on? How many rabbits have I just fucking put my head in? I've met so many interesting people. Rabbit minge in my face?

No, none. It's a rabbit-proof fence because Kelly's running up and down it. Have you had a lesbian experience, Kelly? Oh, you know, a little bit of this and that, but not much. Yeah. My girlfriend's fucking muff crazy. Really? Well, we've talked about it, yeah.

Good for you, girl. She used to have sex with real men, lesbians, and then now she can't hold them. Good. Real men, like Carol. Great. Oh, wow. Good for you. She's always like, can you tuck it back?

Have you ever done it, Holden? Just like Buffalo Bill? Can you make it disappear? Work. Can you get rid of it, Holden? Just for a night? Could you get rid of it? Yeah.

Would you fuck me? Well, she wasn't talking about his dick. She was talking about all of his lumps. I'm a lumpy man, baby. Holden, did you notice a difference when you were having sex with Lexi the first time? Because you were the first gal that she was ever with. That is not true. The first guy.

That is not true. Or, you know. She was fucking romping on some fucking stumps. Were you? For a minute before we started seeing each other. Is that why, Lexi? Because I was told that Holden was the first you ever met with.

No, you had a choice to take the whole relationship. You made that up. No, that's what Holden told me. No, that's not true. And then, yeah, in our first sexual experience, she drove me to the emergency room and she thought it was broken. It was just because it's just the way it looks, you know?

It's purple in weird places and it's bent But that's fine That's actually not true You're bent No in actuality no I'm not I've got a fucking mean look Kelly have you seen some weird You salute the sun huh

Yeah it gets big when you touch it Have you seen some weird lookinglooking penises, Kelly? I have seen some weird-looking penises. What's one of the weirder ones you've ever seen? In Australia, do they have, like, shark fins? Do they rotate in a counterclockwise direction? Yeah, they fuck the opposite way. What are you doing?

This feels weird. They got buttholes in the front and their dicks in the back. Do they have, like, duck bills? Yeah. All these things are true. This feels weird. They got buttholes in the front and their dicks in the back. Do they have like duck bills? Weird. Yeah. All these things are true. They don't 69, they 96. Am I right?

Their balls are kept in a pouch and you're going to like tongue tuck them. How so? The biggest difference is most Australian men aren't circumcised. Really, man? You got to pull that skin back. No one else in the country savagely brutalizes a man's penis except for America. So you like the uncircumcised.

I'd go either way, but I would never get my son circumcised. It's disgusting. Are you kidding me? Get your kid off the dick. I am so happy I'm circumcised. I have literally had a woman tell me once that she was so thrilled that I was circumcised.

Really? Totally. Women would never want to. It's disgusting. I can clean it. You mentioned they pull their balls out of a pouch, but that's the thing. It's like a kangaroo's gunk pouch in that dick hole.

It gets all gross in there. You have to clean it out. It's so dirty. I had my friend. His name was John, and we were in high school together. He used to put Skittles and quarters inside of it because he was uncircumcised. He would put them out like a little Pez machine, and we would laugh John, and we were in high school together, and he used to put Skittles and quarters inside of it because he was uncircumcised, and he would put them out like a little Pez machine,

and we would laugh and laugh and laugh. But I always knew it was disgusting. It's gross. It was Skittles and quarters, for Christ's sake. I mean, you take the underwear down. The woman's already done that much work, and now you have a whole nother layer. It's like after you kill a boss in a video game,

hold it, I'm sure you'll understand this analogy. I love video games. Right? But then you find out there's another boss. Ben, I'm only going to live with you. I don't want to be too frank because I don't want to be judged, but I've seen a few dicks in my time, and the difference between a circumcised dick and a non-circumcised dick is nothing. When they're hard.

Like in terms of... That's not true. Which is the only time that it matters. When they're hard, it's like it's circumcised. It doesn't matter. Oh, it pops out at the top? The skin pulls back naturally. Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, no. It's only when you begin. Like, if I start blowing a guy with skin, you know, I know that there's skin there, but he's hard in a second. You're blowing my mind right now. Because I'm very good at my job. And then it pulls back. Like, it's not.

And also, it's kind of fun to blow a guy who's got skin because it's like a bit of theater involved now. I don't even eat sausages like that. You don't just pull pulls back. Like, it's not. And also, it's kind of fun to blow a guy's got skin because it's like a bit of theater. I don't even eat sausages like that. You don't just pull it back. You can go forward as well. There's a whole bunch of stuff you can do. I have no choice. Either way, I don't mind.

But if a girl's like, I would never go with you because you have skin, I'd be like, oh, go get out of here, you fucking twat. I kind of wish I was uncircumcised. Why? Because it adds a hell of a lot more feeling. Get out of here, you fucking twat. I kind of wish I was uncircumcised. Why? Because it adds a hell of a lot more feeling. It's like we're missing out on half of our sexual feelings. Who cares? You want to be able to maintain.

I can maintain. You could maintain? If it wasn't rubbing against your fucking underwear? You say that now. Right. You know I wouldn't care either way. It's like bringing a boy to a rock concert. You know, they can't drink, but you bring a man,

and they know how to hang all night. The boy will be out before Motley Crue gets to, I don't know what Motley Crue song is this, but whatever, some Motley Crue song. You think that a guy with skin is like, it's dirty? I think the man is not a man. I think he needs to go to the doctor and get finished.

No. Wow. Get rid of it. No. You gotta do it as an infant. When you don't know. When you don't know no better. You can't get your dick sliced up when you know what your dick is. There was a kid I was 11. He must have been 11 or 12 as well.

He got circumcised because his parents wanted him to make the decision. Which is like, parents need to make this one. That's a stupid fucking thing. He had to wear sweatpants for a full year. And it was, I mean, people just crucified him. I mean, it was brutal for the poor boy. My kid's getting circumcised, I'll tell you what. But I'm adopting a 13-year-old,

so it's going to be a situation. Disgusting, Eddie. That's from Thailand. You're a decision. Are you American now? This is my new son. Oh, my God. Anyway, so a cow...

How do we get there? We're staying in the realm of animals. Our next one, a group of animals. I love being around them. I love being a part of a favorite animal. What's your favorite animal? Monkey town, bro. You're going to say, you know what?

That's great because we are moving on to monkey news. Thank you so much. Banana, banana, banana, my little sweets. Thank you, Marcus. Thank you so much. Banana, banana, banana, my little sweets. It can be heard for miles, a bellowing from the Louisville Zoo. But it's not a lion or large animal making the sound.

The animals causing all the noise are only about three feet tall. Aww. Zoli and Zoom Guy, a pair of... Shit names. No, leave them him alone Holden shit fucking names Holden's been silent since I started talking what would you name him

Holden you get two monkeys you name one Randy and you name the other one Jervis why Jervis because he's probably the funny one of the two

I think Randy's pretty funny Jervis will do a tight ten up top. Randy will read from a book. And do calculations and shit. But he'll be able to do the boobs upside down on the calculator. Randy. Oh, that is funny. Boobies.

You can even do. There's a whole generation of kids who don't understand what we just said. But there was once a time Where you had to have A human It was a calculator That you held in your hand And what was it

It's 8008 Is that what it was 8008 One Three Five Would spell boobies Boobies

And you turned it around That was Boobless Oh And you're trying to make All the other girls jealous Yeah Do you always have big breasts?

Yep. They are. Can I tell you? With the clothes off, they are gargantuan. I can't see them. They're hidden away. I wear minimizers. Why?

Because they're too big. I don't understand either. Why would you do that? I'm a 32 triple D. Get the fuck out of here. Yeah, they are huge. I can't breathe sometimes during our love session. That's your choice.

I don't know what you do to your face. Don't call it love-making session. Oh, they are love-making sessions. Ben just looks like he saw the end of 2001 A Space Odyssey. Who the matter? I've been with many women who have breasts that are similar to Lexi's. Ben, it's good. It's like me when I get a dick with some skin on it.

Is it good? When you get big boobies? Yeah, it's a lot better than a dick with skin on it. It's a little extra. I know, Lexi. I like my dicks all meat. No skin at all. That's what I say.

Bare as hell. Blood squirting all over from side to side. Still hairy, though. I think I'm going to tell you. For the longest time, we were talking about monkeys. Well, we're going to These are actually apes. They're a pair of Siamese apes.

You're talking about Lexi's tits still? Yes. Big old pair of apes on there. I call them my landing pads. That's disgusting. My jizz soldiers. You ruined a beautiful woman.

You don't. Never mind. Jizz soldiers. Unbelievable. Right. Well, these two are credited with singing duets that fill the air. And now that they're becoming young adults, their duets are becoming love songs. Quick monkey fact,

a monkey's teeth is sharper than everything on the planet outside of moon rocks. Moon rocks are not on the planet. When they bring them back. That's a good point. Moon rocks take the cake, but a monkey's teeth

has the tightest atoms consistently. And it is alive when it's set. Well, both sexes of the Siamangs have a gray-pink throat sack that inflates to amplify the sound, which can be heard two miles away. Isn't that something? And they always sing at daybreak and dusk.

Holden, you've been working on your throat sack. How's it going? It's been good. It's been good. The hardest thing is keeping it moist. Yeah. I can't get over these. I just can't get over it.

What was it? Triple double D. Holy Lord. I'm with Ben. I'm still like, that was gigantic. Have you been with a woman with bigger tits than you, Lexi? My ex-girlfriend was like 36. So I'm very small around.

I have a small rib cage. Yeah, you're little. But I have. Did she get jealous of your tits or were you jealous of hers? She was like 36DD. She had great boobs. She didn't even have to wear a bra. They just sat up naturally. God damn it. I couldn't. Why'd you break up with her?

God said dig up, stupid. Dig up. Why'd you break up with her? Oh, we don't need to talk about that all around. I loved it. She moved back to Florida. Oh, she don't need to talk about that on the round table. I love to. Oh, no. Well, no, she moved back to Florida, and then I met her.

Oh, she's from Florida. Where? And what's her address? And she lives... Oh, my God. Holy Lord. She lives in Jacksonville Beach. Oh, so she's a thief.

What a hot lesbian couple. So she's black. Oh, my goodness. Was she black? No. Oh. You ever been. Was she black? No. You ever been with a black woman? No, I haven't. Three Asians, though, back to back.

I keep trying. Oh, how was that? How were the Asian girls? Those guys likes Asians in this one. My mom says to me, she's just like, you have yellow fever. And I'm just like, mom, that's racist. Yeah, a little bit. Your mom must be my mom.

I was just like, no. Do you like the Asian gals? Yeah. Smaller breast on them, huh? Yeah, much smaller. Really nice vaginas. Perfect pussies. Really?

Don't be spreading that around. All the guys I want to go with go with Asian. Yeah, yeah. That's true. That's true. Yeah, Marcus, can you confirm that? You had a big Asian streak. Great little vaginas? They're fantastic, and they taste wonderful, don't they?

It's really. Well, each race has a different taste, because I'm a big... Green tea. Huh. No, no, no. Each race has a very specific... I guess, kind of like... That's the noise you make while you're eating a pussy.

Shut up! Try to watch Friends! But the breasts overall were pretty wide and varied. I was with a Korean girl for a little while that had smaller breasts, but they were wonderfully shaped. I was with a Korean girl for a little while that had smaller breasts, but they were wonderfully shaped. I was with a Chinese girl who had gigantic tits. They were huge, badly shaped. However, but the best was not.

She wasn't full Asian. She was half Filipino, half Jewish. Oh, you're kidding me? So she was fantastic tits that I've ever seen in my entire life. That's the Jew. Oh, yeah. Huge and just fucking perky and they were wonderful. Why didn't you just

stick with her, Marcus? We don't have to go into that on the round table of gentlemen. Who is it? Uh-oh. They were nuts. Can't we just say that, guys? They were all nuts.

Okay, yeah, yeah. I mean, that's what it was. Is that why you broke up with your lesbian Asian lovers? They were crazy, huh? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, I mean, that's what it was. Is that why you broke up with your lesbian Asian lovers? They were crazy, huh? Oh, yeah, mm-hmm. Yeah, same here. Yep.

Oh, that's great. One of the most beautiful women I've ever known is Vietnamese and redneck. Ooh. Yeah, Louisiana redneck. That's a good mixture. Vietnam veteran father? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh.

God damn, really? Yeah, no, yeah. Oh, it's wonderful. Yeah. Hmm. Hmm. What do you got, guys? Hot stuff.

I got to get my head out of the gutter so we can move on here. But do you want to hear more about Asian pubic hair? I wonder if Flexi ever used that strap on with these girls. Mm-hmm. Oh, he did? And does one person wear it and the other one doesn't? Why would they both be wearing a strap? No, not at the same time.

I'm saying in a lot of gay couples. Some guys are on the top and some are on the bottom or sometimes they never use anal sex at all. Alright, so one girl that I dated for a while, and by the way, we broke up because it's not that they were crazy,

it's just moving because I was in college in Florida and New York and whatever. I'm about to go if you know what I mean. Thank you for making my sentence more interesting. Gonna go soon. So, no, it's they she really liked penetrative sex with men

you know, so it was like so she kind of got me into it. So you gave her the goose. Yeah, so she was like, well I'm gonna put a strap on you and just sit on top of you. And I was like, fantastic. That works. So you had to fuck it like a man? Yeah.

And that was like the hottest thing. It's cool. It's super hot to wear a strap on. Pretty good with me, though, too. Holden won't let me. No, I will not. I cannot. Holden, you got to let her do it if she wants to do it.

I'll do the crab sit on her. I'll get back, you know, like on my haunches, like on my... But you would like to buttfuck Holden, huh, Lex? Yeah, from behind, though, I think. I don't think I'd... Holden, let her do it. What's wrong with you? I can't.

He won't let me play with his butt at all. You won't need Luby. He's so oily. Yeah, that's the whole thing. You're going to be sick. You'll be having sex and saving money. I don't want to get into it but I mean Holden you're a homophobe

you're a homophobic you know what it is get into the ass at all times I feel like Marcus has been penetrated Eddie's been penetrated I've never done anything like that holden I'm just saying I think up in there Penetrated. I've never done anything like that. Penetrated. It's not a bad shit. Holden.

I am just saying, I think up in there, I am always loaded with a full set of dudes. Lexi, okay, so Holden does say yes. And if she goes up in there, I'm going to get shit on. Okay, what if he does? Lexi, but is that hot for you if you get a smattering of poop on your thighs? No, it is not hot at all. It's never hot. Some people like it, Holden.

It ruins it forever and always. Okay, but Lexi, so if you do pop it up in his fucking disgusting, probably the cleanest part of his body is butthole. And then he does shoot a little bit of poopy out. There is so much in there. Is that going to ruin it? Yeah, that would ruin it. If he shit on me,

I would be okay with it. It's the fucking bat cave in there, man. Oh, man. I just spit up all over Kelly. I will say, Holden did just admit that his butt is always full of dookie. In the subject matter,

I'm okay with it. His butt is always full of dookie. October 5th, we will decide if he is the shower pooper. The clearest thing about holding is his butthole. Yeah, it is. Oh, my God.

Holy Lord. We're just talking about a geyser situation there. But you still want to do it, Lexi. Well, knowing that, I mean, we've actually never really had this conversation. I'll tell you what. You put the strap on and like a titty fuck, I'll ball fuck you. I'll put my balls around the dildo and I'll rub them what, you put the strap on and like a titty fuck, I'll ball fuck you. I'll put my balls around the dildo and I'll rub them up and down

until the fucking dildo shoots. That's how sexy it'll be. That's how sexy it'll be though. The dildo will come to life and shoot. Did that chick ever blow the dildo? Oh, yeah. Yeah, but she wasn't the only chick that I did that with, but she was the one

that got me into it. Yeah, so she would like to lick her that I did that with, but she was the one that got me into it. Yeah, so she would like to lick her own pussy off of the dildo with her juices and stuff. Oh, my God. Yeah, well, you know, it definitely happened. I thought it was kind of like I enjoyed the power in this situation. That was hot for me, but, I mean, this is turning into something else. It's horror. Lexi, would you like to be my...

It's turning into interesting radio for once on the podcast. That's great. Everything we do is nonsense. This is the only real radio we've ever done. Girls love it. You got to go on Sex and Other Human Activities, Lex. Yeah. Talk about dirty lesbian stuff and I'll listen in the other room.

Do you like to be watched? I'm getting sweaty. I'm getting sweaty. We're all sweaty. God, I'm having a reason here. One girl would like to be watched. I feel like a rotisserie chicken. It doesn't matter what you feel like, Eddie. Okay.

Because the thing With the woman Sucking up I know I know what it is Yeah Marcus Another news story I'll take care of it

Are you Ben Ben are you still watching Primarily lesbian porn I only I only watch lesbian porn Really That's not a case back in the day

That is No Pretty much No Lesbian toilet business. Thank you. We should get married. Oh my God. God.

Let's move on. Holy crowns. Holy Lord. I don't know what to do. Fully engorged. Thinking about Holden's girlfriend. With her big tits there. Jesus. What up?

You're making me upset. For the love of God. I'm sorry. Okay, move on. Next news story. Let's cleanse the palate with a good heartwarming child story. I love kids.

Yeah. A group of people. Can we isolate that? I love kids is fine to say. Yeah, that's totally fine. I love kids too. Kids are Yeah. A group of- Whoa. Can we isolate that? I love kids is fine to say. Yeah. That's totally fine. I love kids too. Kids are great.

Yeah. It's just I like to drink them. That's bad. A group of children protested Friday the recent removal of an alligator from a Rancho Cucamonga home where the animal had lived at since 1987. Oh. That's an old alligator. Yeah.

Neighbor Braden Zazuda said, we just really want her back so bad that it's not even funny. Rancho Cucamonga? California. Oh. Chopper, a 30-year-old alligator that weighs 125 pounds, has lived with Chris Casaro in the 7,700 block of Arroyo Vista since 1977. Casaro said of Chopper, I never had children. She is my child.

Do you think she hugs it? It's an alligator. The alligator and two venomous snakes were removed from Casaro's home Thursday by California Department of Fish and Wildlife officials, which said the animals were not legal to own. After Chopper began getting attention, Casaro said he tried to make sure she was legally owned and obtained a permit. He said, I worked with the city of Rancho Cucamonga for almost a year, jumping through their hoops, doing their conditions, getting my neighbors in agreement. And although Casaro was unable to find the permit,

when fish and wildlife officials came to remove the animals, the officials said it would not have made a difference. At least a dozen neighbors staged a sleep-in Friday in an effort to help Casaro get his alligator back. They had a slumber party? They had an alligator slumber party. Right. Well, I don't know if this guy needs to own a 128-pound alligator. I mean, but you've had it for so long.

They're just going to have to kill it now because they took it from him. You think they're going to murder the alligator? Of course they're going to murder it. He can't live in the wildlife now because he's been domesticated a little bit. Can you domesticate an alligator? From 1987 to now? I'm asking Lexi.

Can you? I have. Yeah. All right. And alligators can live up to 50 years old. Yeah. And how old is this guy now? 30.

So she's had it for 30 years. Why now? Because she got caught. Yeah, she got caught. Or he got caught. Yep. He said she's been living here 30 years. I think she should live here 30 more because it's just her home. Everybody has known or everybody has grown to know her and love her.

And one parent said Chopper provided local children with a unique experience. I mean, it's dangerous. I wouldn't eat Chopper. Just like that gorilla that ripped open that woman's face. It was a chimpanzee. And they were getting it hammered. They're not getting a gator hammered. They were getting it hammered?

Yeah, they were giving the monkey fucking Xanax and liquor. Giving it cigarettes. It was smoking it hammered? Yeah. They were giving the monkey fucking Xanax and liquor. Right. And giving it cigarettes. It was smoking cigars. So stupid. It's really funny to do. Absolutely. But one day, it's just like the lottery. Honestly,

I think the monkey who ripped the woman's face off is the most talked about subject on Cave Comedy Radio. It's a great subject. It's a love story. It's a love story. It's beautiful. And the story keeps evolving. She lived. She got this facial. She keeps speaking about it now. She keeps coming out and talking about it.

Do not give monkeys. It's so funny. My life is worth so much more. When she's talking about it, it's like, yeah, I know lady. You should have died. Why would I ever do that? You should have died. That's not ever do that? You should have died. That's not the same as like, don't drink and drive. Like, okay, people do that all the time.

But like, who's just trying to have a monkey? She is looking better, though. Yeah. She keeps getting surgeries and she's looking more and more like a person every day. And glass eye technology is getting better and better. She can't see out of them, though. She can't see. No, she can't. You ripped them right out of her brain, didn't he?

Actually, no, no, no. It gave her a disease when it was ripping her face off, and the disease, so they had to remove the eyes later. Actually, the eyes were still in, but then they were like, oh, they're all diseased because monkey germs got on her. Monkey germs got on them, so they had to actually, she could, I think, see for a while, but then they were like, we've got to rip your eyes out now, ma'am, how about her hands like it chewed off her fingers? That's what monkeys do they disabled the the opponent she awake

Defenses. Oh, yeah You probably go into shock and stuff. Oh, yeah, she was it the scariest part I think when she talked recently was that it was like, imagine four hands. Because the feet are like hands, too. Four hands coming at you. Kind of like a Shiva from Mortal Kombat 3 type situation. Ripping off your ears. Ripped off her nose.

Ripped off her lips. All at the same time. She's got four hands. All for free. No one's fucking talking about how cheap this plastic surgery was. Oh, my God. I don't think that's true at all. Well, she is suing.

She'll play some whack-a-mole over a Chuck E. Cheese and dominate. She sued the state of Connecticut for $150 million in damages back in March. But she didn't win. For what? The 60-year-old, who was undergone a face transplant and many other surgeries, including a failed double hand transplant, appeared with her head wrapped with protective white gauze. Her legal team claimed the state

had described the illegally owned 200-pound chimp as a serious threat to public safety before it ripped off her nose, lips, eyelids, and hands. She said, My name is Charla Nash, and I'm hoping you can make a decision based on the fact that the state knew what was happening and failed to protect me.

What her argument is. This big government dumb person. She hung out with the monkey every day. You gave it Xanax and wine. Well, she was not the owner of the monkey. She sat there while it got hammered. She might as well have been the owner of the monkey. She hung out with the monkey.

You don't hang out with a monkey and then blame the state for having your friend being allowed to keep the monkey. $150 million? No. Eddie, you know what? If you get a monkey and then blame the state for having your friend being allowed to keep the monkey. $150 million? No. Eddie, you know what? If you get a monkey, I'm not friends with it anymore. What? I don't want to see the monkey.

Now, monkeys are fine. It's chimpanzees that are dangerous. And you don't get them hammered. What about bonobos? Bonobos? Bonobos you can get drunk as fuck. Yeah. They're not violent.

You know, they're similar to chimpanzees, but they're not violent. Yeah, they're tiny. They're most like human. Yeah. Did she get the money? I don't think she did. I think it's still pending right now. No, she doesn't deserve the money.

Yeah, she said, I want the chance to pay my medical bills and live a comfortable life, but I also want to make sure that what happened to me never happens to anyone else ever again. Never will. No one's a fucking idiot living with monkeys feeding it. She's making a press situation about this. It's like how many people own chimpanzees? Yeah, that's the funny part. It's like don't buy, you know, these big stats.

I was talking about with like, okay, drunk driving. I get it. But like, don't own a monkey. Don't worry, lady. We're not trying to own a fucking monkey. I'll buy a monkey. Oh my God. You just told me not trying to own a fucking monkey. I'll buy a monkey. Oh, my God. You just told me you wouldn't be friends with me if I had one.

You just said you'd buy one now. Yeah, you're a flip-flopper. Let's go lie to him. Never run for office, Ben, you flip-flopping piece of garbage. By definition, I should. No, I wouldn't be friends with you if you had one because you don't know how to take care of a monkey, Eddie. I do.

Oh, really? This is happening? Yes. This is going down right now? I of a monkey, Eddie. I do. Oh, really? This is happening? Yes. This is going down right now? I'm a better monkey dad than you are. Are you serious? Yes. You will not kiss it.

No. I will kiss it. That's when it's going to rip your fucking lips off, Ed. No, no, no. You know what I'm going to do to it? Put a graduation cap on it because I just sent it to school. And it graduated. I think you're being very unrealistic.

Well, it doesn't matter to me. Okay, fine. All right, let it come down to this. It's Christmas Day. You want to have a monkey off? Yeah, monkey off. How many fathers do you have in your life, Ed? It's Christmas Day.

I have one. It's Christmas Day. What are you getting for that? How do you treat the monkey on Christmas morning? What do you mean how do you treat the monkey? What are you getting it? What are you cooking for it? It likes whatever it wants. What does it want, Ed? You don't know what it wants.

Every monkey's a different personality. How can I say I know what this monkey wants? Maybe this monkey likes the Beach Boys. Am I supposed to get a Beach Boys album? The monkey likes the Beach Boys, and the monkey likes soccer. I'm getting Mike Love coming over. He's gonna hang out with the monkey. He's gonna kiss it, because you know what? You know how many monkeys

Mike Love's hung out with? Lord knows because he's the best fucking beach boy. So he's hung out with a million monkeys. So he's going to love this monkey. I'm going to get him this hero. I want to know if you have monkeys that are wearing dolls around the house. Number one, the whole notion that you're thinking that your monkey understands that the beach boys

is not a literal term. Ben, your monkey. It's ridiculous. Ben, your monkey. If the monkey likes Beach Boys, I will build a living room with sand and bring over a bunch of boys and tell them they're on a beach. And then I'll have the monkey play with the Beach Boys. Your monkey likes Aerosmith and smoking weed after school.

Well, you know what he's doing? He's hanging out in an elevator going up and down and up and down and up and down because monkeys love to climb. No Mike Love Beach Boys? No, I just didn't. Nothing. I couldn't find any pictures of Mike Love with a monkey. No, of course he doesn't. No. And then he loves to climb. What about Steven Tyler with a monkey?

Well, I'm checking. I mean, a lot of pictures of people comparing Steven Tyler to a monkey. Racist. Racist. Racist. Racist against gypsies. He's not half black, is he? No. No, no, no. Don't be so Australian. Well, one more story before

we get to the segment. More like one snore story. So, Lexi, I'm a better monkey father, right? Why are you asking? Here's the better monkey father. Who would you leave your monkey with? Ben or me? Ed.

There you go. Are you a dumb ass? Are you a big-breasted former lesbian who used to have women suck their fucking cum off Yeah, and she leaves her monkey with me. I am, first of all, not to say,'re dating Holden now and it's fine, but lesbians love me. They don't fuck you, Eddie. They don't fuck me.

Holden's fucking one, Eddie. And now it's time for a segment from Holden McNeely. Should we go with Kid Show or should we go with My Pet Monkey? My Pet Monkey? My Pet Monkey My Pet Monkey Let's go with My Pet Monkey

You gotta have a monkey You don't want it to rip your face off How are you gonna let it live? How are you gonna raise it up? What are you gonna call it? My monkey's gonna be called Nimbles And he's gonna be able to sneak in to high security museums And things of that nature

And steal jewels for crowns and things in my mini. And I'll have like a treasure chest room that I'll keep. And he will probably rip me apart by the end of my life to take all the mini jewels I've made him steal for me. But I will be the richest man in the land until then. Roundtable moment of truth. Holden is a jackass.

For breakfast, lunch, and dinner, I'm going to feed him, for breakfast, I'm going to feed him mainly oranges and pig snouts. That's actually good. For lunch. No, it's not. You're not supposed to feed monkeys meat. Pig snouts? No, you don't feed them meat. Why not? Because they're vegetarians.

This is why dad is the monkey father because he knows these things. This is why I do that. That is why for lunch. Thank you, daddy. Because you know why I'm going to feed him pig's nails? Why? So that he knows what he doesn't like.

Because every monkey needs it, like every person needs to know what they do not enjoy, right, in life. For lunch, it's going to be a Caesar salad. For dinner, I'm going to feed them a head of lettuce. Hmm. That's so normal. Actually, that seems kind of good. I'll deep fry the head of lettuce

in some delicious garlic breadings. Ooh, wow. Actually, Eddie, I'll tell you this. They're omnivores. It's a happy monkey. Yeah. Chimps have been observed to eat as much as four ounces of flesh per day. Sounds like somebody doesn't know their monkey history. Yeah, you fucking idiot. They eat each other during battle.

I think you need to go back to monkey science school, Ed. I agree, Holden. How dumb is that, Holden? However, flesh only makes up one to three percent of the chimp diet. However, flesh only makes up 1% to 3% of the chimp diet. And most of their meat consumption is breaking open bones to eat the marrow inside. Oh, marrow eaters. They don't kill animals to eat them unless they're in battle.

That's true. Yeah, that is true. He's saying planet of the ice. I was about to say, how many times have you heard that? Planet Earth. You ever seen that? Planet Earth? I was about to say How many times have you Guys Planet Earth You ever seen that Planet Earth I love Planet Earth The chimp war

Oh man When they take down that Yes And they take the young chimp And they rip it to shreds And they start eating It's brains in front of all Then they show it it's head

And shit Yeah It's insane That's fucking Indiana Jones Temple of Doom shit Oh man Or like Dolphins vs. Pats shit Yeah

Fucking Yeah Lexi What would your monkeys name me And how would you raise Your fucking monkey Or like dolphins versus pats shit. Yeah. Fucking you. Lexi, what would your monkeys name me? And how would you raise your fucking monkey? My monkey would be called Holden. And he would be my boyfriend. There you go. Because that's what you are.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's my... Well, you've done a great job with him. He hasn't gotten worse and fatter or more disgusting or nothing. And thank you, Lexi, for... Humoring Ben. Yeah, you're welcome. Humoring me?

Yeah. Ben, what would your monkey's name be and how would you raise it? Holden. And I've been living with him for seven years. Very good. I would name a monkey maybe Clorico. And he's great with filing my taxes. And I teach him how to send emails that I don't really want to send,

but you got to send it so you don't sound like an asshole. And overall, I think you would drink Budweiser. See, that you don't want to do. It's going to eat your face off immediately. Well, you never met him sober. And overall, I would say I would wrap him in bubble wrap. And so if he ever did get angry, it would make a sound that I love, which is bubble wrap popping.

And then by the time he was done being angry. It's a scary sound. I love bubble wrap popping. A monkey that's trying to kill you. Yeah, it would be like pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop. Yeah, and then it would be done, and then he would be like fine and relaxed. And what's the other part of it? That's pretty much it.

That's it. I think you covered it. Can I change my monkey's name to Jingo? Jingo, of course you can. Okay, thank you. Yeah, so Calorico. Jingo with a D? Jingo.

Oh, he also wears fake glasses. Does he have a pencil behind his ear as well, just in case? Yeah, yeah. He's like, wear that down. What about like a green visor? Oh, yeah. And Calorico also does a little podcast all about monkeys that have killed. And he talks about, but he doesn't love them, but he just jokes about it.

So is it Calorico, Clarko, or Clerico? Calorico. Calorico. All right, Calorico. All right, Kelly, what you got for us? So monkey, I feel like I want to have one of those monkeys that you guys saw on Planet Earth. And they can just follow me around. If the subway's too crowded,

I can just say, Go monkey, go! It's just going to kill everyone around me and I can get a seat. Very nice. It's going to be really calming for me. It's going to be great. My life will be better.

What's the monkey's name? Randy. Just because it sounds like a great name. Right? Randy's a great name. It's a pretty good name. Randy, get here! Stop being in. Randy. Randy, get here. Stupid name.

Randy, come here. Eddie? Eddie. I'm going to have a gorilla, of course. Okay. I get it as an infant. I'm the doctor that receives it, and I run away, and I take the gorilla, and I raise it. So it thinks I'm its mommy.

Do you breastfeed it? I mean, I'll have a device and make it look like my breast. But it'll really just be like a little milk pump. And so it could suck off my tit and it'll think it's I'm its mommy. The equivalency of a strap-on. I guess. For a monkey sucking a tit. Yeah.

Yeah. Do you have any monkey stroking tits? I'm going to raise it like a child. I'm going to homeschool it, though. Because I don't want it to really worry about it. I'm going to bring in some other kids, too. You don't want it to get bullied? Yeah, I'm going to bring some other kids in, so I'll control the whole situation. You bring in a couple other kids.

They learn with the monkey. The monkey's one of the kids. Then you train the monkey to be a train operator. And you give it a fun little train outfit. You know, a fun little train. A little hat. A little hat, you know. But you've got to get the rest of it big. You know, a fun little train. Little hat. Little hat, you know. But you got to get the other rest of it big because it is a gorilla.

And you put it on the Long Island Railroad and you bring all the meatheads back and forth to New York and into Long Island. And he likes pizza. He's a real big fan. He loves all that stuff. Hot dogs, you know. Perfect. Yeah. He's a fun monkey. He He loves all that stuff. Hot dogs. Perfect.

He's a fun monkey. He likes having a good time. Hard working monkey. His name's Mr. Clark. Wow. Freedom with respect. Mr. Clark. What's his favorite baseball team? His favorite baseball team is definitely, unfortunately, it's the Mets. He doesn't know any better. He's just a

fucking monkey. Yeah. I really like the colors. Oh. Yeah, I know. He doesn't know any better. He's just a monkey. He's a fucking monkey, yeah. You know, there is... I really like the colors. There is precedence for this. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Toto the gorilla lived from 1931 to 1968.

A woman named Maria Hoyt adopted the gorilla that was orphaned by a hunt. Her husband killed the baby gorilla's father for a museum piece, and the guides killed the mother for fun. And Mrs. Hoyt, she moved to Cuba in order to provide a more tropical home for Toto. She moved to Cuba for the gorilla. That's a good woman.

At the age of about 4 or 5, Toto adopted a kitten named Principe. And she carried the kitten everywhere. And unfortunately, when she became too difficult to be managed by a private keeper, she was sold to the Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey Circus. She went to be a star. That's what happened to me when I was a kid.

This is not good. Not for that. Nothing you can say right now is a good thing. No, no, no. She did not get sold to be a star. She got told to be a breeding partner for Gargantua aka Buddy. She died in 1968 and was buried. From get fucked to death?

And she was buried in Sarasota, Florida. Sarasota's a good place to get buried. Gorilla sexual slavery is no way to live. Either way, Marcus, who wins? I'm gonna be better to Mr. Clark. Either way, Marcus, who wins?

I'm going to be better to Mr. Clark. Who gets to raise a monkey, Marcus? I mean, I think the person who's going to be best to the monkey and is going to actually, you know, maybe send that monkey to somewhere where he could actually do some good in this world, Mr. Clark is going to do the best. Mr. Clark's going to have a job. I feel like that's going to be your child. Oh, yeah, I'm not having a real child.

Although, Ben, I do love Calorco. Calorco sounds like a monkey. Calorco is going to destroy Mr. Clark. First of all, don't anger a gorilla. It's going to be happy. Don't set it off. Alright, alright, alright. Eddie wins Monkey Dad

of the Year. If I didn't win this, I should be banished. Yeah, I agree. This is the only one that Ed was pretty much guaranteed to win. That's true. That's Marcus and Holden and Eddie. Thanks so much for being here, Kelly. Thanks for having me. You were wonderful.

Anything going on, Kelly? Anything happening? Twitter? When does it come out? Tomorrow. On Monday or something. Oh, great. So, Friday the 12th of September, I'm doing a show at the Creek and the Cave called

New York Sex Stories. Sex Stories? Yeah, it's basically a revolving panel of a bunch of comics getting up, telling their most disgusting, gross things that have happened to them. Well, most New York comedians have never had sex, so it'll be a short show. Lexi, how are you?

Any theatrical productions coming up? No, my show is closed, but you can see me in Murder Mystery. Ooh, where's that at? In Jersey City and the Upper West Side. Awesome. Murder Mystery. Check that out. Murder Mystery parties.

Well, it's not. Yeah, I do, but it's really nothing. Quickly, just tell me, how do you do your voice? Do you have, like, a voice? Oh, it depends on the character. Okay. Different characters. What's your favorite character?

Amanda Lay. And she's a 1920s songstress. You know, that's just, like, she wears the pearls and the wig, but she's also kind of dumb and gets really drunk throughout the show. That's probably... I love it. That was the most erotic thing that's happened all episode That is?

Yeah it was hot Good god Ben why don't you fucking marry her Can I? Hey Alright everybody Check out the Facebook page Of course once again October 5th The sausage party

We're going to figure out who pooped in the shower. And everyone. Hey, hey, hey. Holdenator's ball. That's right. And everyone's going to do a little individual show. Brighter Side will be there. Stand-ups.

Top Hat. Last Podcast. Round Table. Murder Fist will perform. Murder Fist. Eddie Knight. I'm going to sing about money. I'm going to sing about greed.

Despite that, keep calm. October 2nd. Also, the Thursday before, is Too Fat over at the Grands. Yes, your birthday. My birthday's on the 5th. Just kidding. Okay. All right, yeah. Eddie and I are doing our new monthly show.

It's the first Thursday of every month at a place called the Grand in Williamsburg. If you Google it, you'll find out where it is. And it's a pretty fantastic goddamn show. And come check out my new spoken word poetry show Little Boys, coming to a coffee shop near you. It's just little boys getting up and

saying some words, saying some poetry for the boys and girls out there. Can you end us with one of your poems that you've written? Tiny me stepping into the bedroom. Tiny me stepping into the bedroom. Tiny me sneaking out the window. Tiny me at the club with the fun girls. Tiny me in the principal's holes.

Tiny me, principal's holes. Tiny me, principal's holes. Thank me. Principles holes. Thank you. All right. Talk to you soon, everybody.