The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode: 213 Oh, You're Here To Arrest Me

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

This week on Round Table: a California man kills his girlfriend's dog and feeds it to her, a woman is arrested for pointing a gun at a young clarinetist, and a high speed chase ends in the perp lying on a neighbor's floor petting their cats. Joining us today: John Moreno and Andrew Short!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds. Lay out, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. I've never hung over. At least one of these PBRs, gentlemen. Just,ility. I've never hung over. Just, what's that? You gotta have half a hold and share on these PBRs or something. Kevin ain't gonna drink nothing.

Well, we can return them. You went nuts, buddy. I just wanted to give people what they wanted, but no one wanted it. Can you return beer? That's what a rapist says. No, it's not. I didn't end up needing this. My goal for the podcast is to see if I can drink enough of these PBRs for my girlfriend to break up with me tonight.

Hey, that's not a bad goal. Welcome to the Roundtable of Gentlemen, everybody. Mark, am I praying? You are. Okay, I'm not happy about it, and I don't know what to say. Dear Bielzebub, I want to thank you so much. Oh, I watched a great documentary last night about Gloria Steinem. It's a prayer, not a conversation.

If you knew anything about religion, prayers are conversations. But I feel like God already knows what you did last night, man. You were watching, dude, like Santa Claus. God's a perv. Because I was in my underwear, and I watched a great documentary about Gloria Steinem, and her and Betty Ferdinand, Betty Ferdinand, they got into a large beef, because Betty Ferdinand looks a little bit like Danny DeVito.

And Gloria Steinem is a beautiful woman. And so I want to thank you for modern feminism, Lord, because I feel like overall it's helped us men understand how important the female gender is and how important it is for us to respect them and that is why on today's episode we don't have any women

I watched a documentary about Betty Friedman no Friedman it was about Gloria Steinman and her whole life was easy because she was so beautiful and she didn't go watch her father as he died and she didn't go watch her mother as she was on her deathbed either so she sounds depressing

it was depressing so ugly people have shitty lives where they go watch their families die but pretty people just get to be in the other you know in Jamaica what I'm saying is thank you Lord for modern feminism and for everyone that's on Twitter talking about modern feminism.

Is that the reason you wore that jean jacket? I don't know. It's all right. Thank you, Kevin. It's funny to me, man. I'm not wearing it. It's not a jacket, but, you know, just a denim shirt. He filmed the whole thing in it earlier.

What are you filming at? It's a jean shirt. Yeah, well, technically anything could be a jean jacket. No, that was what he chose for the filming. I didn't say anything. It was already halfway through the filming. In my mind, I was like, I walked in, I'm like, you're wearing that? I saw it 20 minutes ago, and I was already concerned, but I chose not to mention it.

And here we are at this moment. I mean, you've got to say something eventually. I'm glad you're around, because I was going to let him be an asshole. The proximity right now. And that wraps up the greatest roundtable prayer that's ever been prayed. Amen. Amen. Welcome to the roundtable of gentlemen, everybody.

We're missing quite a few members of our cast, but thank God we have people in the seats to fill their voices. Andrew Short is here sitting in for Jackie Zabrowski. Hey, everybody. Good work. Kind of sounds like her. Gold, Andrew. Nailed it. I'm Ed Larson, and I have got nowhere to fucking be.

None of us do. Sitting in for Holden McNeely. Thank God. By the way, congratulations, everybody. You made it. Holden finally didn't show up to a podcast. Holden McNeely. Thank God. By the way. By the way, yeah, congratulations, everybody. You made it. Holden finally didn't show up to a podcast. Holden's gone. Can I redo my prayer?

Can we start all over? Dear Beelzebub, thank God Holden isn't here. Uh-oh. Holdenators. Oh. No. My name is John Moreno, and I'm sitting in for Holden McNeely. Super fan. Super fan of not the show, but'm sitting in for Holden McNeely. Super fan.

Super fan of not the show, but a super fan of Holden McNeely and all his roles. You sound like Holden if he only had one testicle. I do have one testicle. God, man. And I named it Holden. It's like a Komodo dragon left, and it was replaced with a fucking weasel Oh and speaking of Komodo dragons A couple of our listeners Was able to actually adopt

Through the World Wildlife Fund A Komodo dragon In Holden's name It actually happened? It happened, they did it Holden has a Komodo dragon named after him? Yes he does How much does that piss you off Kevin?

It makes me fucking angry I'm wearing a shirt with dinosaurs on it dragon named after him? Yes, he does. How much does that piss you off, Kevin? It makes me fucking angry as shit. I'm wearing a shirt with dinosaurs on it, man. Komodo dragons are technically dinosaurs and I feel like that's disrespectful. World Wildlife Fund needs to be shut down. It's going to be the sickest lizard of all time.

Oh my god, we've got to start setting the World Wildlife our podcast so they can know what they're being represented by. Can you imagine how sad you would be if you were that lizard? Because you're already a lizard. And then somebody shows up and shows you a picture of the dude that technically owns you and just a picture of some grease. John Moreno was sitting in for Holden McNeely.

Hello. Thank you. Kevin, you're here. How's your life been, Kevin? I'm all right, man. We missed you, buddy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've been all over the place, but I'm here, man.

You know? Mm-hmm. Got dinosaur shirts, man. You do got dinosaur shirts. How many dinosaur shirts you up to? Not enough, man. Honestly, this might be the only dinosaur shirt I got. No, don't tell me that.

I got like three, four bird shirts. But birds are dinosaurs. Yeah, man. Honestly, this might be the only dinosaur shirt I got. That's not true. I got like three, four bird shirts. But birds are dinosaurs. Yeah, exactly. So we got them together. Even in this shirt, one of the dinosaurs is flying. Yeah, pterodactyls. I know. I only got to look at the shirt.

I was told pterodactyls never existed, Kevin. What do you have to say about that? Yes, according to the History Channel. Paragons or parrots? And then we have somebody, and his name is... Malcolm X2. Malcolm X2. Thanks for being here, Malcolm X2.

I thank you. Thank you. Good Lord. All right, Marcus, let's do a news story. A California man is in jail after police say he killed his ex-girlfriend's dog, then cooked it for her. Reading California police say

Ryan Watt and Paw 34 fed the woman her Pomeranian. Yeah, Watt and Paw. I didn't notice that the first time through. And it's gonna get funnier as the story goes on. I don't wanna like fluff this piece up, but this might be the greatest story that's ever been told.

I do have a quick question. Was this an Asian man? I mean, Ryan Watt and Paul. Andrew was sitting in for Jackie, so technically he's the only one that can be racist towards Asians. So you are now negative one for sitting in for all of them. I was not being racist against Asians. I was going to say something that was going to be more racist. Yeah, that's because, yeah.

Because if it wasn't an Asian man, then this is fucked. I was going to say, Ryan's not a very Korean name. And then we all would have laughed. But John blew it. John did blow it. John blew it. So, John, you just remember that. That wasn't funny now,, then this is fucked. I was going to say, Ryan's not a very Korean name, and then we all would have laughed, but John blew it. John did blow it. John blew it. So, John, you just remember that. That wasn't funny now, but I could see me back then.

Let's redo it. Marcus, give it another go. Just read it again. All right, all right. A California man is in jail after police say he killed his ex-girlfriend's dog, then cooked it for her. Reading California police say Ryan Watt and Pa. Ryan Watt and P.O.

No, okay,aw. No, okay, again. You are sitting in for a lizard. Your role is to be disgusting, not racist. That's good. Wattonpaw. That was racist. Well, Ryan Wattonpaw, 34. It's like a Looney Tunes

character. Wattonpaw. Wattonpaw. Fed the woman her Pomeranian named Bear without her knowledge. According to police, he cooked his ex-girlfriend the sick dish as a form of revenge. The women told police Bear went, or the woman told police. By the way, can I just say this? I've taken care of two Pomeranians

in my life, and they've both been named Teddy Bear. Stop naming Pomeranians Teddy Bear. Why? Or Bear. They happen to look like little bear cubs every god damn Pomeranian is named bear no it's too it's like Madison or

Jennifer or you know Edward so you don't like people named Edward I don't like Edward no it's too common get unique with your names what would you name it teddy bear, it's too common. Get unique with your names. What would you name it? Teddy Bear. Teddy Bear?

Three. It's a Pomeranian. It's a... It's Iranian. If you're going to cook it, then you should probably call it Pomeranian sauce. And you thought Holden was bad, everybody. I guess you have to want Holden to be back. Yeah.

Because this is like, oh, my God. What do you think? What do you think, Kevin? It's too cliche. I hate when people name their animals. You got to have unique names for your animals. I don't really associate with dogs that much, man. Really?

I'm not like a pet dude, man. I have one cat. What would you name a bird if we gave you an African gray? What would you call it? Of course, Luger. Oh, yeah. That's a stupid question. What would you name a bird if we gave you an African gray? What would you call it? Of course, Luger. Oh, yeah. That's a stupid question. What would you name the second one?

The thing is, it's technically already bird Luger because you see the bird and you think bird, and then you see Luger. And you know, his name is Luger, but he's a bird. So you get it. That's kind of a little quick joke for the people that understand it. That understand it, man. And that's all you need. I don't really fuck around

listen i had one cat it died i had a dog it died and you know what after that i'm done with him yeah yeah it's over yeah it's over man i would call my pomeranian swellings the close to the ground human because they are people i would name my pomeranian starved to death that's nice actually funny, though. It would have been sad. Well, the woman told police Bear went missing after she and Watt and Paw got in an argument that escalated to him allegedly assaulting her. Investigators also said the pair reconciled briefly last weekend. That was when he cooked her a meal, telling her it was pork.

Police said the next day the victim received a text message from Watt and Paw asking her how her dog tasted and referenced the meal he had cooked for her. Do we blame South Park for this? No. This is a story as old as time. South Park is the first people who thought about cooking someone their family. Yeah. Malcolm X 2, what do you think about this revenge plot by this guy, though? I mean, this is something creative.

I like it. Yeah. If I was going to do something like that, that's a good payback, I think. Worse than eating your own kid, Andrew? What do you think? No, that's not as bad as eating your own kid. Your own parents is what they did on some. Right.

Yeah. I'd rather eat my parents than my kid. What about the dog? No problem. You'd eat the dog over your parents and the kid. Oregon Trail rules. I would eat the dog. Yeah, always eat the dog. Marcus, what do you think? Eat the dog, my parents, or my kid? Yeah, let's say you're on the

trail, but the dog's your best friend. The dog's always been there for you. Your parents are yelling at you. Your kid's your kid. I can't believe you're asking this question. This puts you in extreme like... The fact that you would even consider thinking about this is fucking nuts, man. I don't know.

I mean, this is a question the sociopath asks. I am just a man asking questions. I would try to find someone else's dog first. Okay, very nice. You can find a dog that's like your dog. Then enough dogs will look the same, have similar traits. I would kill someone else's kid over my dog. Your parents are old.

They're on their deathbed. And you have a beautiful young Pomeranian. You can eat one. Pomeranian. You eat the Pomeranian? I don't like Pomeranians. I don't like little dogs. Did he eat it too?

Did they share it? Well, I'm sure he probably did. I mean, he cooked the meal for her. I'm not sure if he said, like, oh, no, no, no, honey. This is for you. I'm sorry. This did. I mean, he cooked the meal for her. I'm not sure if he said, like, oh, no, no, no, honey, this is for you. I'm sorry. This is for me beating you last night. Did she say anything about, like, the taste?

It doesn't say, but it does say that in addition to feeding her the dog, a pair of the dog's paws were later left on the doorstep after he fed her the dog. And police said that. This dude is fucking awesome. Oh, no. It gets better, Kevin. Police said Watt and Paw has admitted to severing the dog's paws, but denied

killing or cooking the dog. Watt and Paw's dog's paws are lucky dog's paws. I would eat my mommy. Stop looking at me when you say that. Yeah, John. I'll tell you one thing. A lot of people have failed on this show but they look great now

it's a very ironic thing I don't know why you signed yourself up for this John you know we just hate Holden and you sit in for Holden don't rub yourself like that John is rubbing his arms, his hands. I got to warm up. You've been going on for a while.

You're just sitting next to me. You're rubbing your fucking thighs. Listen to this story about this dog being ate. You're rubbing your thighs. Andrew, you're Jackie. A man cooked a dinner. That's kind of nice, right? Yeah.

So it happened to be your own dog, but. Yeah, my favorite part of the story is that, like, it says they made up, they reconciled, and he stayed mad enough to still feed it to her. Well, he stole the dog before they made up. I mean, this was a long-term thought.

I mean, this is really, I mean, this guy's motivated. First of all, fuck this girl. You gotta go, you go out there, you go find that dog. Your, go ahead. You go out there. You go find that dog. Your dog's lost. You can't be spending time eating this weird prepared meal with this guy. Right. The guy who just beat you.

You go find your lost dog. This dog needs food. It needs shelter. Are you taking that straight from Billy Madison or whatever the Adam Sandler movie is where he discusses go find that dog? Yeah. It is true, though. Yeah, you got to go find the fucking dog. Yeah, I agree. And you know,

I mean, this woman, I mean, telling her that it tasted like pork or telling her that it was pork, you know, that wouldn't necessarily ring true because apparently dog has a taste that's crossed between beef and mutton with extra meaty flavoring. What's mutton? The lamb. Oh.

The dog's actually tasty. How aren't we domesticating cows and eating dogs then? That is a perfect combo. Meat on a cow. Yeah. This guy said the braised dog that he ate was cooked in a clay pot along with huge cloves of garlic and chilies and was mildly spiced with a splash of soy sauce.

And he also detected a hint of cinnamon. What's he going? Well, this guy was a beast. I like Chef Ramsay shit. Do you think nicer dogs taste better? Like a golden retriever? Yeah, of course. It's like free range dog. I would eat Lassie Sushimi.

Organic dog. You would eat raw dog, John? If it was Lassie. If it was a well-bred just beautiful dog. It's a power thing. Yeah, I'd be jerking off the whole time, but if it were from good breeding. I don't want to eat dolphins, but I'd eat flippers.

What's the big, I mean, obviously the biggest issue is that he ate a, the woman loved the dog. Not that they ate a dog, right? Yeah, obviously. I mean, he's being charged with animal cruelty. So would that still be animal cruelty had he had a dog? Why? Yeah, obviously. I mean, he's being charged with animal cruelty. So would that still be animal cruelty had he had a dog? Why is it animal cruelty? Isn't it against the person, not so much

the animal? Because I don't think you're allowed... It's a weird thing that we have here in America. What we're allowed to kill and eat. Say if it was her pet lamb, then I doubt that we'd have much of a problem with it, but since it's her pet dog... But I also think that the added little stinger was cutting off the dog's paws and putting those on the porch.

Well, no, but that's crazy, though, because you can't waste a dog. The dog is dead, so you've got to leave the paws to haunt her. So you've got to put pranks with the paws. It also wasn't her dog. I mean, his dog. Yeah, it was not his dog. And guess what this guy's bail is? $25,000.

$250,000. Really? Yeah, yeah. So that means it's actually $25,000 to get out because you've got to get 10%. Yeah. So crazy high bail on this guy. What's a prison sentence for something like this, Marcus? For animal cruelty?

Probably. I know there was one. You're definitely going to throw the book at him. Three, four, five years. What did Michael Vick get? Well, Michael Vick got two years. That was for a whole other thing, and he was all lawyered up, so you can imagine. One to five years in prison or a and up to a $25,000 fine.

So what are you in for? And it's a felony. What are you in for? So he's a felon for life. He can't vote. What are you in for? Rape, murder, bank robbery. I chopped up my lover's Pomeranian.

I mean, this guy is going to get pummeled in prison. Oh, it's going to be awful. Everyone loves dogs. dogs. This is bad for him. And I think that he deserves one of the worst punishments. I go against the stream. I would watch videos of this guy getting beat

for $15 a minute. I would love to watch this guy get his ass kicked. $15 a minute? I'm telling you, this guy's a schmuck. He's a piece of garbage. It's not worth that. I'd do $15 for an hour. $15 a minute? I'm telling you, this guy's a schmuck. Nah. He's a piece of garbage, Eddie. It's not worth that. I'd do $15 for an hour. $15 an hour? $15 for an hour,

I'd throw in and watch him get beat. Man, you get sick of it after a minute. $15 a minute. Kevin, what do you think? But then how long can you really enjoy watching a beast?

I'm never going to a strip club with you again. How much would you pay to see him kill and cook the dog, though? I mean, $15 an hour. Yeah. You'd go on the Food Network. That's Eddie's number though. I mean, 15 an hour. Yeah. You go on the Food Network.

That's Eddie's number. It's not 15 an hour. It really isn't worth less than one. You've got to impress me. It's not as bad as what they do to Veal and things like that. No, but that's done by a big corporate kind of thing. It's not in your backyard in someone else's dog.

Which is weird. Oh, it's bad. What do you think happens to this guy in prison? Do you think they just beat the shit out of him? I mean, he's got to be a bitch, right? I don't know. What was the read? Did Chick do something horrible?

He said that it was revenge. Well, they said that it was revenge, but he had also allegedly beat her a couple of nights previous. That should have settled the beating. Yeah, that should have settled the beating. The beating is already overcompensating for whatever the problem was. Beating has taken a huge step into the overcompensating.

So they're not charging him for beating her. It's just the dog thing here. Just the animal cruelty. What is wrong with this country? That seems to be the only thing they can prove. I would say Mr. What's that? A misdemeanor? Was that the dog? That's a different story.

A misdemeanor eating and cooking the dog. A felony for beating the woman. That's what it should be. I mean, both of them are felonies. Well, I know. This is what I'm saying. But I think killing and eating a dog, I mean, that also could... Is it better that they ate it than they're not eating it? If it was a wild dog,

probably you can eat it. A wild dog? Have you not. It's a wild dog. If it was a wild dog, probably you can eat it. A wild dog? There's a lot of places. Hey, that's it. Have you not been to town? Have you not only been to town? You're like a wolf? Yeah, like a coyote.

Yes. There's a lot of places where people eat dogs. Oh, there's places in Texas. There's places in Texas. They board up the buildings when the Pomeranians come through. Yeah, there's a bunch of wild dogs. I saw a video just like this weekend of a dude eating like he's had barbecued like puppies. And he was just eating it.

He had a head. And he was like eating it and feeding it to some kids. Like, oh, you got to eat the cheek. What country was that in? It was America, man. Really? Just somewhere like Mississippi or something like that. In Detroit, they have wild, we talk about on the show, they have wild packs of chihuahuas

running around terrorizing people, tearing people apart. Eat these dogs. Go out there, kill a chihuahuas running around terrorizing people, tearing people apart. Eat these dogs. Go out there, kill a chihuahua, fucking slice it up and eat it. Make sure you do it right. Drain it. Kill it like, you know, like, go on and go on and look.

Then it's kosher, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, you got to see how a pig's killed. All right, you go, you go watch a pig getting killed and, you know, you've got to burn off the hair. Sure.

Eat it properly, but eat these dogs. Well, it's the same shit, man. I'm voting for you. That was solid logic, which you just said right there, man. Yeah. We just did an episode of Abling and Stoppat with Eddie, and everyone agreed as well that we will vote for Eddie for Congress. I'll run it.

I'll run it. This is strange. I looked up what cat tastes like as well. Apparently, cat is closer to pork, but it's full of weird little transparent fish-like bones. Oh. No, no, no. I would never eat cat. You'd eat dog before cat?

Yes. Why? I'd eat dog before cat. Yeah. I would eat dog before cat. Dog's cleaner. Yeah. It's weird.

I immediately thought the same thing, too. When you said cat, I was like, dog, I was like, that sounds delicious. You're too muscly. Dogs might lick their own ass. No, cats lick their own ass. Dogs can't get there. Dogs can't get to their ass? No. Then that doubles down

on my argument. Dogs can get shit out of their ass. Really? Dogs can definitely eat ass. But dogs are more beefy looking than a cat. Hold on, man. You eat ass. Really? Oh, my God. Dogs can definitely eat ass. But dogs are more beefy looking than a cat. Hold on, man. You eat ass. You wouldn't eat a dog because the dog eats ass?

What kind of logic is that? I eat human ass. You're not eating the dog's tongue. Wait. You guys eat... Wait, then would you eat Ben? What are we talking about? I would never lick my own ass.

I don't even wipe it. But I think that a female's bottom side is always a nice thing to respect. Apparently, there's been a renaissance. I don't have one anymore. I saw that. Apparently, there's been a renaissance in ass eating. It's back. It's back.

I don't know if it ever left, but I think just now, just like a lot of rappers and just in the hip-hop community, everyone's talking about, this is like a dude who had a song called Lamborghini, My Doors, and it was just about like having your ass ate out by a chick but just having your legs like way up in the air. Nice, side doors. I might get into this hip-hop music.

Man, if they're rapping about it, then we all got to do it. I've been doing it for years. That's fucking gross. But you haven't been the Lamborghini. You've been the VW behind it. Yeah. I've been like the, you know, the station wagon. You ever got your ass licked, Ben? Yep.

How was it? Wonderful. Why wouldn't it be? I don't know. It sounds horrible. No, because you have hemorrhoids. Yeah. Get on in there. Everyone, because you have hemorrhoids. Yeah. Get on in there. Everyone, if you're in love with someone or you just like somebody, figure out what they're into. And if they like it, then they'll enjoy it. There's a lot of different senses down there.

Malcolm X, too, you understand. Of course. Why would it be different than any other part of your body? I'm telling you, the taint, that's where it's at. Yeah? Yeah, get your taint all licked up. It's fucking great. I definitely scratch my taint more than I scratch my ass. There you go, that's where it's at. Yeah? Yeah, get your taint all licked up. It's fucking great. I definitely scratch my taint more than I scratch my ass.

There you go. And doesn't it feel wonderful? I like it down there. And you have your prostate there, so it's quite sensitive. I love it down there. Yeah, yeah. You get a girl when a girl's giving you a... Girl, ladies out there, when you're giving a dude a blowjob,

get a knuckle and throw it right there onto the taint, right in the prostate. Like, just kind of like fucking, I don't know, massage it there. Like a taint massage with the knuckle, deer in the fucking blowjob. It's fantastic. And cup the balls. And cup the balls.

If my girlfriend, who will never listen to this, listens to this, please give me a knuckle massage to my taint next time. You were planning on breaking up after this? Oh, well. It's all over now, John. Malcolm X 2 just ruined your life. He knows what's going on in the world.

Always. Well, you can delay it a little bit. I think guys don't want to admit it, but I think every guy would secretly do it. What? Lick an ass? No, no. Getting their ass licked or licking it. Oh, no.

There's no secret. Yes. If anyone ever was brave enough to bear the fucking horror show that is my ass, I would of course let them lick it. Just no one's been brave enough yet. I just don't want people licking it, man. Because then they're like, what am I going to kiss them after that?

And then it's fucking, I don't know. That's the thing. Yeah, that is a weird thing. That's a lot of work. There are people like, you know, they'll do other shit. You get a masseuse to lick it. Yeah, exactly.

If I'm having my ass all licked, I'm paying for it. There's going to be some Asian chick who's a slave. That's who does it. But if a girl tried that on you, would you stop her and explain to her? Well, no, there's been times where I've been hooking up with her. It's funny because when it's happened, it's not a chick I've been hooking up with. It's just a girl one time, and she just went down on me.

And all of a sudden, just fucking shove her finger up there. I'm like, what the fuck? But it's already there. And it's like, what are you supposed to do? You just ride. Did you lube it first? That's no, it was jarring, man. Yeah.

It's a rookie mistake. Yeah. What the fuck is this? Yeah. It was very unpleasant. I don't know why women do that. They just shove the finger up there and they expect it to feel good. I'll be honest,

I had that happen once and my reaction was this. Ow! Ow! Ow! Because it just immediately hurt. It hurts a lot. And she stopped. I'm just not that focused. I just stiffed up. That makes it worse because you're squeezing against the finger.

I just stiffed up and I just fucking took it, man. I didn't know. You got to relax. That's the best you can do. You went to jail for a minute. It was horrifying, man. Well, let's just get a new hashtag yes all Kevins. Isn't that sad, Kevin?

I feel for you. Terrible. I had one girl actually try to do that as well. I guess that's what they, some guy they were dating liked it. No, it's like they read fucking Cosmopolitan magazine and it's like every issue is like 10 things to drive your dude crazy. And every time you read one of those, it's like. Yeah, it makes me nuts when you fucking put your finger in my ass.

Yeah, exactly. It says that in every, if you ever open them, it's always that. Number one on all of those surveys should be like pay his bills. Like that would be great. Andrew, you ever take any ass? I've never taken it in the ass. I've talked myself out of it. Have you given it?

Butt sex? No, the lick butt, eat butt. Oh, yeah, sure. You've eaten butt, but you won't put your penis in it. Oh, no, it's just I've never had the opportunity, I guess. Oh, okay. Because you have to talk about that first. You've got butt, but you won't put your penis in it. I've never had the opportunity, I guess. Because you have to talk about that first. You've got to be bold. You've got to get a visa first for that.

You need to fill out paperwork. People love it when you cross that line. There is do or do not. There is no try. Didn't you lose a woman recently because you crossed the line? Which one? Butt gate. Butt gate? Yeah.? Butt-gate.

Butt-gate? Yeah. The great butt-gate. Butt-gate. I am not a crook. Yes, I'm a victim. Ben ate a girl's ass on the first date. No, no. He ate a woman's ass on the first date.

First date. Do you know what type of diet she has? Well, it doesn't matter. What did she order for dinner? It's how my grandparents met. It would have been a nice sitcom. I appreciate your passion and your fire, Ben.

I was in there having fun, and she enjoyed every second of it. It was the first date? It was the last date. Did you have permission? She liked it, though. Yeah, of course I had permission. I didn't ask her, but.

You didn't get rejected. No. Sometimes you just got to knock on the door. Yeah, and then they shut it there. But this one was open. But, well, Marcus. I was about to do that. What news? Yeah, the news. In fact, I do that. The news.

Yeah, the news. In fact, I've got some bird news. Oh, wow. Congratulations, Kevin. Luke. That last part was all satire. British supermarket chain Tesco has backed off plans to have a marksman assassinate a small bird that has taken up residence in one of its stores. Tesco applied for a license this week from Natural England to have a marksman assassinate a small bird that has taken up residence in one of its stores.

Tesco applied for a license this week from Natural England to have a marksman use an air rifle to take out the protected pied wagtail after the Great Yarmouth store closes Saturday. But the store called off plans after an outcry from members of the public, including Chris Packham, host of the BBC nature show Springwatch. He said, can I ask you to rethink the shooting of the wagtail in Great Yarmouth store, please? I'm sure the bird could be caught. Tesco responded it was open to alternatives, and Packham suggested teaming with the British Trust for Ornithology

to find a way to conduct a live capture and give the bird a stay of execution. Tesco East of Galia posted on its Twitter account, Happy to liaise with BTO. We're going to explore other options over the next few weeks, and we'll keep you updated. So why do they want to kill it? I don't understand that at all. It's a bird, man.

You can catch a bird very easily. It's in the pet store? It's a bird. No, it's in a supermarket. It's in a Tesco, which is a supermarket in England. Oh, I see. And so in order to kill a bird, apparently in England, you have to get a permit.

So they applied for the permit just to assassinate this tiny little bird instead of capturing it and releasing it, and there was a large public outcry. They can just open a window and kind of like shoo it. Lock it in. He destroyed it. Lock it in. We're going to City Hall, boys.

They get our permit. We're going to City Hall, boys. They get our permit. Now we're going to cut its head off. And what they actually did, they had to get the permit not because just killing a bird, but because it is a protected species. Oh, nice. So this is an endangered species that instead of trying to get it out of the supermarket, they just figured they'd kill it. Let me ask you a question, Marcus.

Sure. Did the bird have large breasts? No, John, the bird did not have large breasts. Then execute the bird. If you cannot milk its sensual breasts, then it serves no purpose. John, just be yourself. I heard that there was a rare species of parrot that raped the head of a photographer in the jungles of Africa recently. Is that true?

Yes. I find that a more interesting bird story to share, Marcus. Is that really true? It is very true. Parrot rapes man's head. You will find it very quickly. I'm trying to figure out why you talk like a snake. Saggy bird breasts.

Everyone loves saggy bird breasts, and everybody knows it. Birds also have cloacas. What's a cloaca? John, that story was from four years ago. I live in a time machine. I do believe that. So this poor bird, what are they going to do with it? Well, they're going to try to capture

it and release it to the wild. Is it a large bird? It's a very small bird. Look at it. It's a very cute bird. I see that bird flying around my house. I might kill it. You know what I mean? Honestly, I'm not getting this out.

It's a little bird. I'm not thinking it's endangered. I'm thinking it's in my house. I'm like, I kill it. Oh, come on, Eddie. That's a nice-looking bird. It's adorable. It's a cute bird.

What was the problem with the bird again? The bird, it was just loose in a supermarket, and you can't have a bird flying around a supermarket. I'm from Florida, and there are pigeons flying all about the Winn-Dixies in Florida. They don't seem to have a problem. Yeah, why can't you just have a bird in a supermarket? Why can't we coexist? All you need is a net.

It's probably not sanitary or whatever. Well, apparently they've tried to set traps for him. That didn't work. What do you think, Andrew? Kill the bird? Don't kill the bird? I think they need to talk with the bird. Discuss it with the bird.

They need to figure out why the bird. What do you think about dogs and bars, Andrew? I'm okay with dogs and bars. I don't like dog owners, though. I love it. Dog owners and bars are usually the worst. Yes, no, Andrew, you're 100%. It's not the dogs that are the problem.

It's the people that bring their dogs into the bar that are the problem. If you own a dog and you call yourself that dog's like mommy, you're a psychopath. I hear that way too much. You are the mommy though. I dated a girl who called her puppy a kitty and called her kitty a puppy. What is wrong with you?

That's a statement about you, John. She had great breasts. Big ones. Nipple rings. Amazing. I her. She had great breasts. Yeah? Yeah. Big ones, huh? Nipple rings. Amazing. Huh. I don't like nipple rings. Why not?

They're fun. I mean, you know, girls with nipple rings, you know you can fuck her. Yeah. Absolutely. It's like nipple rings is just like,

I don't know. It's like, why? Breasts is fun. I love breasts. Fun for a night, though. Really? Yeah. It's like you can

grab onto the rings with your teeth and kind of pull on them a little bit. They go Yeah, you can like grab onto the rings with your teeth and like kind of pull on them a little bit. They go fucking nuts for it. I mean, how do you feel about I don't know what

you could do with it. I'm just afraid like I'd like, you know, just like pop open. The breast is so like, that's the thing about tits is they're just so comforting

and nice. But how do you feel about how gentle? That's what I'm saying. You put your face in your tits and you think about your mother.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, for a night you want metal tits? No, that's, I'm saying. You put your face in your tits and you think about your mother. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For a night, you want metal tits? No, I want that from a girlfriend. Like, I want my girlfriend to have nice tits that I can snuggle up next to. But every once in a while, you want the bionic woman. And they keep the nipples hard. Don't give Kevin a pass on saying if you put your face in a pair of tits and think about your mother. Look, honestly, that's why fucking, what is it?

Tits are wonderful. I'm sorry. Who here doesn't think about their mother when they put their face into some delicious breasts? That's the whole shit, man. Those are the first tits. You spend all that time sucking on your mom's tits. Well, that's why I always put my face in a chick's butt cheeks because you don't know my mother. You look for your mom in your

partner. Leave the Germans alone, Ed. Satire. Can I blow your mind right now? Because the curve of an ass, it's just like another set of tits. It is. Except it shits on you.

Tits can't shit. That's why you gotta suck on these tits. I always said that. Tits can't shit. That's why you gotta suck on these tits. I always said that. I always said that. Tits can't shit. I agree. I've never said it before today, but I'm about to start more, man.

That's how my dad explains sex to me. So maybe a nice large set of tits with a bird cage attached to it through nipple clamps or something like that might get this bird out of the supermarket and into the arms of safety. It's always them weird ass

like classifying shit because I remember like when I first moved here I'd hang out like the West Village a lot but there's like so many trannies out there. I remember me and my friends

used to be like the thing we would say is like if we see a girl and she had like some wide ass hips we'd be like man that chick got hips man

that's how I know she's a chick. We used to say that all the time because we were terrified like fucking a post-op dude yeah yeah yeah she's got hips man if i ever got a sex change my hips would give me away no i mean a lot of guys like a skinny gal i have a pretty mouth you do have a pretty mouth actually you'd be a great woman i will will not, so you don't. It's tiny, so it's more cute than pretty.

It's like a... Lift it up. Show everyone your mouth. Some people think a big pussy is a better pussy, but sometimes a tiny-lipped pussy is the best pussy. They're more expensive. I agree with everything. I come for free.

Marcus, so the bird lives. Yeah, the bird lives. Let's move on. All right. We're going to move to Colorado. And since then, an 11-year-old boy was practicing the clarinet in a neighboring backyard. A Colorado woman allegedly pointed a rifle at the child and yelled, fire in the hole. Cheryl Ann Pfeiffer, 60, was arrested Wednesday afternoon

at her Grand Junction home and charged with menacing child abuse and prohibited use of a weapon. The boy told cops he was out back doing his homework playing the clarinet when Pfeiffer came outside and screamed at him to get your ass back inside. The child told investigators that he told Pfeiffer it was his homework and he couldn't go inside because the baby was sleeping. In addition to leveling the 7mm Mauser at the young musician, Pfeiffer allegedly pointed the weapon at other children in the backyard, prompting police to file multiple felony menacing

and child abuse counts against her. The boy told deputies that Pfeiffer yelled fire in the hole while aiming the gun at him and the other children from her front door. I think this woman is a national hero. I think that this is a children's lie. That these kids are fucking lying through their teeth and this woman did none of this. You think so? I do think so.

Why do you think that? Have you ever listened to a child practice the clarinet? There wasn't a clarinet. It's like, oh, I was being a good boy. I was out back practicing my clarinet. There was no clarinet, man. He knew it was what he was supposed to be doing. Who practices a clarinet in the middle of the woods?

So you think that she still pointed the rifle at them, that possibly they were up to something more nefarious. I bet she didn't even bring the rifle out. Those kids just knew that that woman owned a rifle. Nope, I can refute that because Macy... You're wrong, Ed. Hear the rest of the article. Marcus, continue.

Mesa County Sheriff's Office deputies reported that Pfeiffer, who appeared intoxicated, referred to the young clarinetist as a nuisance who, quote, wouldn't stop. So she just wanted him to stop. When cops first approached Pfeiffer, she said, quote, oh, you're here to arrest me. Asked by a deputy why she would say that, Pfeiffer replied, quote, well, because I pointed a gun at the little neighbor boy. See, now I understand why nine-year-old kids need to fucking learn how to shoot. That's right.

You're newsy. Because you got a fucked up neighbor like that. Yeah. And take a look at the woman right here. She's a hideous woman. Oh, my goodness. Marcus, that sounds like what your last words are going to be. Oh, take a look at this woman right here.

You're here to arrest me. She's actually the oldest Marcus. Oh, you're here to arrest me. Except for actually how old is she, Marcus? Oh, you're here to arrest me. Except for Marcus's response would be for my internet history searches.

Marcus, how old is that woman? She is 60 years old. She looks okay for 60. Well, no, she has no teeth. Yeah, she has no teeth.

She looks like a crackhead. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, good skin, though. She's got good skin. What? Yeah, good hair. You really like raisins and pr No, no, good skin, though. She's got good skin. What? Yeah, good hair. You really like raisins and prunes, huh? For 60, her skin is smooth.

For 60, she's not bad. Yeah. Her neck looks like an accordion. She's 60. That's a great 60-year-old man. Maybe the kids who have a record neck. She was drunk. Oh, yeah.

And then the clarinet. That's not a good sound to hear when you're drunk. Terrible sound to hear any time. So I guess she was just upset about that. National hero. Yeah, think about clarinet in general. You don't want to hear that. But then bad clarinet.

But it's good. You know that kid. It's good. It sucks. Yeah. And you know this kid fucking sucks, man. Squeaking all over the place. You know what, Eddie?

Usually you say a statement as dumb as the one you said before, and I disagree. But I would have to say, Eddie, you're right on point. I love this woman, and I don't like that child. She's drunk, and she's ruining, he's ruining her good time. She's just sitting in her house being drunk. This kid's sitting outside her window. Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop. What's more exhausting?

Exactly. I bet this kid was tormenting her. Right. I mean, it was tormenting. She's like, finally, after like weeks probably. Yeah. This kid going there every day. You're not getting any better.

Which wasn't the first time. I can tell you right now, man. I can tell you right now. That's why I left the music program at Florida State. Because it was like, you do the music program, and you become a teacher. And I was like, I don't know if I can trust myself to sit there and listen to a bunch of middle school kids playing fucking clarinet and tuba and not beat the shit out of all of them.

They're gonna suck. And that's college level. You're realizing that college level, this must have been going on forever. Again, I think this woman How old was the kid, Marcus? 11. 11 years old, so maximum 7 months of training.

Playing the clarinet, this woman's trying to drink and watch her soaps. And again, when we were kids, if someone was playing the clarinet really shitty, and there was a group of kids around, what would that group of kids have done when we were kids? Grab that clarinet and bash your head.

You can't point a gun at them. You grab them and you beat them with a newspaper. Yeah, exactly. Those kids deserve to have the gun. I don't know why this kid is... Everybody knows you joined a band program that comes with the cost of the occasional getting stomped up. So that's part of it.

I agree. So this little kid, this 11-year-old, playing the clarinet, also ratted this woman out. He's the one who called. This kid sucks. Oh, yeah. He said he didn't take care of that clarinet. He's sitting there in the woods running around with a clarinet outside.

Like a Pied Piper. He should have known. He should have put his hands up and be like, oh, well, this is the clarinet text. He should have known. That's right. And she was even funny about it. I mean, she yelled, fire in the hole. Like, that's something funny to yell.

Sense of humor is good. Yeah, real good sense of humor. I need to hang out with you guys more often, dude. That's right, Malcolm X, too. You do. I always see the other side of these things. It's fucking stupid. I don't like the kid running around the woods making a noise that she doesn't want to hear.

He's a bastard. She kid, running around the woods, making a noise that she doesn't want to hear. He's a bastard. She didn't shoot him. No. You know, I mean, this is really, it's parenting. Parenting gone wrong. Well, supposedly he went outside to avoid waking the baby up. So that is a parenting decision right there. You keep saying the baby.

That's so vague. The baby? I mean, I don't have any more information apart from the baby. Yeah. Was it a stolen baby? Wait, can we get into this? Why are kids still learning clarinet? The flute? These, uh,

what was the thing, the, uh, the, uh, the piccolo. The recorder. Oh, the recorder's recording. Should these bands be teaching, uh, kids instruments that humans like to hear? Or martial arts. No, the recorder's not a string instrument. Training, I said.

Oh, bullshit. The recorder's bullshit. Why aren't kids just learning the bass, the drums, guitar, you know, how to DJ and mix at a young age? Why aren't we learning the clarinet? But I'll tell you, they're not teaching the kids the right things anymore. Why aren't they listening to Pitbull and learning this DJ music? What are you talking about?

That's horrible. I don't like the music. I'm just saying. Zeppelin. Zeppelin would be good. I don't like Pitbull. Kevin, whatever. I'm just saying, no one should be learning the clarinet.

It's the basics of music. Yeah, sometimes you've got to be the person who plays on the soundtrack of Gardens of the Galaxy. I'll tell you right now, in my house, I got a tenor sax, I got an alto sax, I got a clarinet, I got a flute, and I got a keyboard. Granted, I haven't touched none of that in about two years. But I have all that stuff just in case the bitches come in. That's right.

Yeah, that's true. No, but it's just like, no, it's fun to play them when you're playing. But, yeah, like you need soundtracks for movies and stuff. All that Hans Zimmer, man, they need horns. They need strings. They need all and stuff. All that Hans Zimmer, man, they need horns. They need strings. They need all that stuff. What would Lord of the Rings be like without recorders and flutes?

What would Howard Schoen be the same exact movie? I don't think there's a soundtrack that has used recorders. I just found a $2,000 recorder online. Really? Yeah, recorders are still used in medieval music. Is it made from human bone? It is made from maple, my friend.

Well, that's very nice. Well, this kid had a choice. If he wanted to get good at clarinet, he would have gotten good at it right there. But instead, he chose to continue to suck and went home and called the cops. And that's what's wrong with American society today. Improve, people. Man, she should have denied it. You're an adult.

He's a fucking 11-year-old. I agree. Deny it. Yeah, I'd be like, that sounds funny. Nowadays, people believe these 11-year-olds. You are 100% right. You're an adult. He's a fucking 11-year-old. I agree. Deny it. Yeah, I'd be like, that sounds crazy. Nowadays, people believe these 11-year-olds. You are 100% right. You know what? If you would have just denied it, is it an adult's word

versus a bunch of children? Doesn't matter anymore. These kids have all the rights. Other kids in malls. Wait, kids have rights? Yeah, you could say that. Oh, more than us. What? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'd get in more trouble if I than us. What? Oh, yeah. Driving around in motion. Yeah, I get in more trouble if I hit a kid than if I hit you.

Totally. Here, I'll show you. Yeah. Yeah, hit me again, Eddie. How'd that feel, John? Yeah, it feels like home. That's right. So you know what's coming.

Exactly know what's coming. People are laughing because of it. I know what's coming. I am. Hit me again, Eddie. All right, don't hit him's coming. I am. Hit me again. Don't hit him anymore, Ed. Yeah. Disgusting. All right. Yeah, hit me, man. Hit me. The serpent has come out of his cave.

The whole goddamn studio's covered. So, Andrew, if there was one incident in your childhood that you think you could have gotten a gun pointed at you for and it would have been completely justified, what would it be? For me? Yeah. I threw rocks at you for and it would have been completely justified, what would it be? For me? Yeah. I threw rocks

at cars for like an entire summer. Just rocks? All rocks. That was like my thing one summer. I got my parents beer bottles and I in Florida, you would have like these fake hills built

to separate you from the fake canals. Yeah. Because you'd have hurricanes. And so the canals would flood. So you'd need the fake hills to protect the developments. So I'd hide behind the hills and I'm right by the highway, like 441 and the turnpike. I know. And I just launch beer bottles over the hill.

Just into traffic. We did water balloons. Yeah. And you just hear beer bottles just go We'd always throw shit in the traffic. It was great. Sometimes they'd stop and you gotta run. Oh, Fat Eddie could run fast.

You don't think he can. He'd fucking get out of the situation. It's always kids. That's what I'm saying. I still picture you with a ponytail and a beard It's a kid I would be surprised if it was a kid The first three weeks the detectives on the D. Steve

Sniper case were like well it's probably a bunch of 12 year olds I'm going to blow everyone's mind just imagine Eddie if anyone I'm sure the round table gentleman Knows what Eddie looks like imagine Eddie with a shaved head Bleached blonde oh no i had a shit i was bleached blonde hair in high school and then i was a

shaved head after that and then i decided to grow my hair out thank god someone called me i got called a skinhead twice and i was like all right i'm growing it out yeah yeah yeah you never want to be i was scary. The whole time I had the shaved head, I was massive. I had a big shaved head. I didn't get laid one time for like six months. Yeah.

I mean, how old were you? Grow the hair out. I was 17. You were getting laid? 16 I started. Was this in Florida? Yeah. It's Florida, yeah.

It's Florida. I had a shaved head in high school as well. What's the matter with you? I had a shaved head in high school because my parents were too poor and or

they just didn't want to pay for a haircut. So my dad would just buzz me once a week. So it's not good for big people to have shaved heads. It's scary, man. I shaved my head when I was younger as well. I looked like a big old monkey. It's simple. And I've got a real weird shaved head too. You do, I can see.

Yeah, yeah. There's a lot of bumps. I've got a real weird shaped head too You do, I can see There's a lot of bumps It's really, I've got a Disproportionately small head for my body Which is why I had long hair For such a long time There's a picture of me and Eddie And I'm shaped completely bald On my head

And it looks like Ed's giving me a big bear hug And he's like doing a Make a wish foundation For someone who's going to die of cancer in three days. Yeah. You were sick back then. Well, we got one more story before we get out of here. A 400-pound martial arts expert who attacked workmen because they unsettled his pet snake could soon be evicted. Christopher- Yes! I like martial arts. who attacked workmen because they unsettled his pet snake could soon be evicted. Christopher...

Yes! I like you, Barshalites. And here's a picture of the fine fellow right here. Oh, my God. Wow. Yeah, he looks extremely dangerous. Hey, wait a second. I was joking around.

I was like, how is a fortune-proud man going to hurt anyone? That guy looks intense. Wait, Marcus, you know, is this the guy who's got videos of himself, like, with the samurai sword cutting things in half? I don't know. And, by the way, his name, Christopher Lee. Oh, all right. Christopher Lee lashed out at contractors trying to upgrade his kitchen and bathroom because they dared to wear baseball caps next to his Buddhist statue, an action he deemed offensive.

The 37-year-old from Allerton was under orders to behave since regularly abusing staff, but is possibly thrown away his last chance by this time, refusing entry to gas safety experts needing to check his meter at his Liverpool home. On one occasion, Lee ejected workers because they offended him by calling him mate and his partner love. Workmen became so frightened they had to form a human chain to stop the unemployed man from attacking them.

Damn. Wow. I love this. Lee, who is known for constantly interrupting previous civil court hearings in Liverpool with torrents of abuse and regular swearing episodes aimed at the bench, failed to attend a new appearance on Thursday.

It was heard how, along with barring gas contractors, he was carried on abusing other staff. Let's see here. Last time in court, when told he could be arrested, he shouted, there's no point sending hairy-ass coppers around. And he added, you're going to need the 22 squadron. His girlfriend admitted, quote, his vocabulary can be quite raw at times.

Wow. I love this so much. I'm just confused. Can I get a clarification real quick? So this is a 400 pound martial arts expert in Britain with a girlfriend and a snake. Okie dokie. And he's also a Buddhist.

I can't believe this guy has a snake. This guy is great. I think he is the reincarnation of the Buddha. It's the dream. This guy has achieved the dream. And he's unemployed, so he has nothing to do all day. And he's living in government housing.

Marcus, what happened to this guy? He's the martial arts expert who attacked workmen. 400 pounds. Take a look at this fella. Holy Lord. Big, big red-headed man. The direction I could have gone. But I love him because you know he's strong.

Because his shoulder fat touches his earlobe. And that's the sign of it. You kind of got to let him go. Send him to America. We'll put him in UFC. It'll be amazing. He'll get his ass destroyed. He just looks like a big, strong pig, man.

They can't grapple. It looks like he can take a lot of hits, man. It's like Butterbean. It's like Butterbean. Yeah. You think Butterbean's going to get destroyed? Then Butterbean rips through everyone. Getting a black belt.

Butterbean's like, I will beat up anyone in three minutes. After that, can't do it. Getting a black belt is the same thing as getting a master's in sociology. You just went through the steps. You're still stupid and fat. This guy looks tough as fuck. I'm sorry. He's cute.

I don't think this guy is that tough. He doesn't feel pain, man. Look at that guy. He probably has no brain. And look how much width he has. Yeah, that is true. He doesn't feel pain, man. Look at that guy. He probably has no brain. And look how much width he has. Yeah, that is true. And he has a snake, bro. Yeah.

And he's Buddhist. And he's Buddhist. See, he'll beat you up if you can't accept that. I would say, I would say. I bet he's in decent shape, which is a crazy thing to say because we know he's 400 pounds. Right. But I bet he's like muscular as fuck underneath all that 400 pounds, but I bet he's muscular as fuck underneath all that fat.

I bet he's fast, too. I think you're giving this guy a lot of accolades. That dude is moving, man. You seen his shoulders? Oh my god. This guy is scary. He's agile, I bet. He should be on the Ravens. This guy...

Look at Ed. Look at Ed. He be a hero in there. And look at Ed. Ed's probably like, he can be like an intimidating dude. But I have no doubt in my mind. I have no doubt in my mind this dude could stuff Ed into a trash can butt first, man. No doubt. That's true.

I would have no idea how to beat this guy. I wouldn't even, like, you would have to shoot him. Knees. But that might even not work. That's what's crazy about this guy. A bat. I wouldn't choose a bat. I bet if you could hit him in the head with a bat, nothing would happen.

No, no, no. Big guy, the first thing you go, it's always the knees. Always the knees. Big guy's always, yeah. Ben, if I had to take Ben down, I'm going down the knees. Yeah, but his knees go down way harder than other dudes' knees. You can hit this dude in the knees a bunch of times the same way you can hit me. And you fucking still keep on.

Shotgun in the knees, though, like you were saying. How tall is he? I don't know exactly. I know he's 400 pounds. He doesn't look tall, though. Yeah, he looks like he's probably six foot. You remember in Troy and a bunch of other movies, but I just thought of Troy just right now. When they kept trying to kill that one big-ass dude and they shot the fucking arrows in his neck.

And he's still like, ah! He still killed eight dudes out of that. He just kept being like, ah! He shot like ten arrows into it. That's that dude. He's the berserker. That's the berserker, man. That's the dude that you throw out in the field.

He's the guy you send towards the wall. That's the berserker, man. That's the dude that you throw out in the field. He's the guy you send towards the wall. How proud, how happy do you think this guy is that every single headline that I looked up, every single headline says martial arts expert? Oh, no. Okay, most of them, all of them say martial arts expert, but some of them have martial arts expert in quotes.

Yeah, well, because no one wanted to fight him in class. How could you even find out if he's an expert? I was like, no, no, no, no. Eddie and I were talking earlier about Bill Maher in that show, Religious. That movie he made is nonsense and it's terrible and only does a shit on religion to make fun of truck drivers and things like that.

Sometimes a truck driver needs religion because they're out there doing meth and they're out there banging random broads. This is a huge man, and for the first time ever i'm happy buddha buddhism exists buddhism is the perfect uh religion for this guy oh yeah totally peaceful you want this guy docile this is why this this is he is a prime example of why religion is still exists and is still important because Because without it, if he was a Satanist, the streets would run with our blood. So, you love Buddhism? I love it for him.

No, no, no. Buddhism does have some history of violence. It's not great in India. Yeah, not great in India. And in Thailand in the 70s, there were monks that argued that killing communists didn't violate any of the Buddhist precepts. So, once again, what was wrong with them? I guess that is true depending on your view of communists.

I just want to point out, did you know that Holden McNeely is a Buddhist? No, he's not. He's a Unitarian. Gross. He was brought to a Unitarian church with his family growing up. Holden's fat, is that what you're trying to say? Yes, like the Buddha. And he once said if he could

give everything up and live in a Buddhist monastery, he would. In college? Except for the cheeseburger. Kevin, can you just please tell us how ugly Holden is? Why, man?

I feel like, John, Kevin. Holden, here's how. John. Why, man? Kevin, can you just tell us? I feel like, John, you got the voice of what I always imagine the ghosts in Mario sound like. That's exactly the voice that you have. They never spoke, but I imagine they spoke exactly like this. Now, Kevin, let me ask you this. Holden had John come in and replace him. How do you feel sitting next to John Rather than sitting next to Holden

Well here's the weird thing You gotta look at me when you say this The weird thing about it is As gross and horrible Of a human being Arguably a human being That Holden is I feel more comfortable

Sitting next to Holden Than I do with you Because I don't know what the fuck this shit is that you've been saying the entire time you're speaking in whispers and parables. Your eyes are open. I speak the secret truths of Holdenism. What the fuck is that? What is happening? Oh, and speaking of which, do you have a segment? Ah, yes. All which, do you have a segment? Uh, yes.

All right, all right. Are we done with the stories? Well, I could do one more if we like. Let's do one more. Let's do one more. All right, let's do... I love this fat karate man. And then let's do the segment.

Ben Kissel's segment, Why Do We All Hate Holden? That's the segment. All right, one more story. In fact, Ways to Kill Holden. Ways to Kill Holden. We're going to go to Boca for this story. Oh, wow. Yeah.

Who is it? Do I know him? A man in South Florida. John's for Boca too. Oh. A man in South Florida stopped in the middle of being chased by police Friday to ask for water and to pet some cats. Authorities said Daniel Pinedo Villapatino, 21, had stolen thousands in cash from his friend's wallet after a night of drug use.

He then crashed a Lexus into multiple vehicles, including a police cruiser and a fire hydrant before ditching the car. Officers from Boca Raton and Delray Beach were pursuing Vela Patino on foot when he showed up at Candace Noonan's back sliding glass door. Noonan told WPBF, I said, excuse me, can I help you? He said, oh, I'm so sorry. Next door, I'm mowing the lawn. Do you mind if I have a glass of water? When Noonan returned with a bottle of water, she found the supposed landscaper inside her house lying on the floor petting her cats,

which she described as, quote, very odd. She said it almost looked like he was mentally handicapped. I don't find anything weird about that story. Yeah, you get on the point and pet those cats. As a child, I should have been aborted. You get a little dehydrated. You pet a cat. You feel more comforted by it. You ask someone for a bottle of water.

My uncle is a landscaper. I mean, you're sitting there. Well, he's not a landscaper. He's a thief. No, that's my father. No, no, my uncle. Yeah, when does your father go to prison? He's out. He's been out for a couple years. He tried to friend me on Facebook. It's hilarious.

Anyway. John's father was in prison for robbing banks. Several, yes. That's true. His last name was Swift. Twist. Twist. His last name was Twist? Twist. Yes. My original name was Jonathan Edward Twist. Twist. Unless it was Twist. Twist. Yes.

My original name was Jonathan Edward Twist. Were you written by? Yes, I know. Please, sir, can I have some more gruel? My father stole bank notes, he did. Yeah, he did. He tried to have a landscaping company with my uncle, but he sold it all for drugs. I bet your name's John Twist, your successful actor by now. I was in an escaping company with my uncle, but he sold it all for drugs.

I bet your name's John Twist, your successful actor by now. That's the thing that pisses me off the most. My family, we've disavowed the Twists, so I can't. They changed. My father adopted me when I was one, but we didn't change my name until I was nine. So when I was in court and they were telling me, so we're going to change your name from Marino to Twist. Is that okay with you?

I was like, no. Wait, Twist is an awesome last name. Yeah, Johnny Twist. Why would I change it to something called? And then someone was like, Dan Marino. And I was like, oh, okay. But it's not Marino. It's Marino.

That's Dan Marino. Yeah, you were a lot. Dan Marino consoled me for many years, but it's not M-A-R-I-N-O. It's M-O-R-E-N-O, which is Spanish for dark complected, which I am not. You are very pale.

White. White boy. He's a wealthy man who stole some money from his friend who was probably a drug dealer. Well, I don't know if he was wealthy. He had all access, and his friend had thousands of dollars. No, that is true. They did seem like drug dealers.

Yeah. I think this is, and then all he wanted to do was, so they were taking Molly. He was definitely on Molly. He was probably on Molly, yeah. Well, Noonan's husband began questioning Velaputino, who fled the premises. Noonan said they realized what had happened when they noticed police vehicles passing outside. The suspect attempted to escape by swimming across the nearby intercoastal waterway, but was apprehended by a police boat. And those intercoastal, that's all just, that's just oil.

No, no, there's no oil. No, my parents live off an intercoastal in Fort Lauderdale. It's filthy. No, it's not. Those things are my parents live off an intercoastal in Fort Lauderdale. It's filthy. No, it's not. Those things are great. They got manatees in them. Eddie, where did you celebrate the 4th of July? The beach or the intercoastal?

The beach or the intercoastal. Either one. You swim in the intercoastal. It's fine. It's Florida. And I got to say, as a cat owner, if someone knocked on my door and said, Hey, I'm a landscaper. I'm dehydrated.

Can I have some water? Lots of landscapers down in South Florida. That's a great excuse. I did it. This guy's doing a good job, I think. landscaper. I'm dehydrated. Can I have some water? Lots of landscapers down in South Florida. That's a great excuse. This guy's doing a good job, I think. I've done it for a summer. You drink water, and if there's a bucket and it's filled with maggots, you drink that water anyway.

It's hot. So if someone came in and asked me, I would say, yes, sir, you work hard. Here's some water. And if I came back and they were on the floor petting my cat, which I have one, I would say, well, of course. I have an adorable cat.

Of course, the most sensible thing to do is to get on the floor. He was probably trying to do his best to act normal. He was like, oh, I'm going to play with their cats. No, not at all. He was overcompensating. I think this is an overblown situation because people look at Florida

for weird stories and I think this is just... Well, Florida does provide. No, but every time nowadays, it's fucking stupid, man. In the past two years, every time I talk to somebody, I'm like, oh, I'm from Florida. Like, oh, Florida. And then they say some bullshit. Yeah, well, welcome to what it's like to be from Texas, all right?

No, but Texas... We got an unnecessary bad rap. We ain't no Texas. Hey! Texas, we ain't no fucking Florida. No. God damn right, yeah. No, man. We ain't no Texas. Hey. Texas, we ain't no fucking Florida. No. God damn right, yeah. I ain't from Texas.

I call all sodas Coke. Can I get a Coke? Yes, what kind? Sprite. So who called the cops? The guy who got his money stolen or the woman who had her cat played with? I think everybody. Yeah, I think most people realized that there was something wrong.

So yeah, everybody called the cops. Everybody did. Yeah, yeah. Here's a mug shot of this fella right here. Yeah, I think most people realized that there was something wrong. So, yeah, everybody called the cops. Everybody did. Yeah, yeah. Here's a mugshot of this fellow right here. Yeah, he's all fucked up. Oh, he's fine. He's biting his lower lip in his mugshot. I wouldn't let him pet my cat.

Oh, my God. I think that's my buddy, Michael Hunt. What's this drug he was on? I knew a guy named Michael Hunt as well. Did you? I actually do. I know a guy named Michael Hunt. Yeah, me too.

If you called him Mike Hunt. Yeah, if you called him Mike, he if you called him Mike he'd kick the shit out of you really yeah very violent my Mike Hunt was stupid he was dumb

he didn't realize until way too late he was like 14 and he tried to start going by Michael but it was way too late yeah so he asked for a nickname

so we wouldn't call him Mike Hunt and so his nickname was dumb shit I know that's bad. Yeah, it's real bad. Is he still alive?

That's not bad. He's still alive. His hobbies include dating 17-year-olds and driving BMWs with big subwoofers and playing rap music. He is a toe-headed white guy. I don't know if the rap music was necessarily an indicator of anything at all,

but the rest of the shit... You have to... You went to Florida State, but are you from South Florida? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's from where we're from. Oh, so you're from both. He went to school of the arts.

He went to the same high school as you, John. This guy is... You guys went to high school together. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know, we didn't... I mean, I will say... I forgot we did. We did not know each other in high school. I agree, we didn't. I mean, I will say. I forgot. We did not know each other in high school.

I agree with you, John. I don't think the rap music, that's about right. You're just making me shit up. This guy is not 16. He is 32. Right. And he still wears a backwards baseball cap and drives around in his 2001 BMW blaring terrible rap music. Sounds like he's killing it, man.

Yeah. A 2001 BMW? That sounds fucking great. What are we doing here? Yeah. I love a 2001 BMW. Oh, my God. He sounds like a dope BMW.

Yeah. You should hear what he says about you, John. Yeah, he sounds like a role model for the hood, man. He says it's about me. He says. Everybody wants to be that dude. Yeah, last time around was a fucking 92 Toyota Celica. We do a great job of defending each other on this show,

but then John showed up, and it's like, yeah, this random mythical beast who has all the pussy in Fort Lauderdale. John is over here bad-mouthing a dude who has an unfortunate name and happens to be killing it and is clearly celebrated in the streets. I just realized. I have two options for the segment. Either Ben delivers the how much do we hate Holden segment,

in which I will actually turn into a normal human being and, like, really get with you guys on this and, like, really seriously talk about how much I fucking hate Holden. Just do that one. Or, or we can have my segment, which is entitled, do you prefer mommy milk or daddy milk? All right. Everyone hates Holden. Why do you hate Holden, John?

Oh, my fucking God. This is so deep. God. I don't. Is Holden going to listen to this? No, he doesn't give a shit. No, he doesn't give a shit Is Holden gonna listen to this? No he doesn't give a shit No he doesn't give a shit He doesn't listen to any episodes

He's a fucking jerk I mean Jesus Like if I get real with this It's gonna be tough Don't get too real Yeah don't get too real No one wants to hear that

Don't get too real with it Just give away what you wanna give away Get super real with it I'm just happy I'm happy there's no eggs in here today Oof Okay oof It feels actually I feel like I've got like a Snake oil I'm super real with it. I'm just happy. I'm happy there's no eggs in here today. Oof. Okay, oof.

It feels actually, I feel like I've got like a snake oil that just like rubbed off me right now. Why do I hate Holden McNeely? What was the thing that Holden did do that makes you want to hate him? Holden actually hit John one time. Yeah, Holden hit me once. Holden actually hit me once. We started Murder Fist together, essentially. Before it was called Murder Fist, me and holden actually hit me once uh we started murder fist together uh essentially before it was called murder fist me and holden started a sketch group together and eventually ed and henry and the rest of the guys joined us yeah at one point we were

just arguing violently about how a show was going and uh uh i turned to him and I said I was like fuck you man John's also dressed as wearing only a diaper and a gold chain because he's a new rapping baby called Babylon well the thing with Murder Fist is every sketch I've ever hated they've convinced me to let them put on stage

by giving me the lead role in that sketch and so Babylon was a sketch I hated but they gave me the lead role in that sketch. And so Babylon was a sketch I hated, but they gave me the part of Babylon, the rapping baby, in order to get this... What's the rap again? Sucking on your motherfuckin'

mama's titties. Wah. Wah. Wah. Wah. Wah. Wah. That's fucking awful. Why did you write that for him? That's terrible. That's fucking awful. Why did you write that for him? That's terrible. We were 19. So me and Holden are arguing backstage right before this sketch.

I don't even remember about what. And he's like, I'll hit you. I'll hit you. And I go, oh, yeah, you want to hit me? Go ahead and hit me, motherfucker. Hit me. And he doesn't do anything. Oh, yeah, you want to hit me?

Go ahead and hit me, motherfucker. Hit me. And he doesn't do anything. So I turn around, and then he slaps me like a motherfucker on the back. Open-handed slap on the back. He doesn't even punch me. Like a bitch. Like a little bitch. He slaps me open-palmed in the center of my back.

He had no shirt on because he was only in a diaper. What a bitch! Holding haters. Everyone is a Holdenator! That's who you're following! A bitch! Being honestly, being John Moreno, let me just say this.

Holdenators, no! No! He slaps me, and I turn around with the full intention of kicking his fucking ass. And Ed has to jump in between us and he grabs me and Ed throws me against a wall and he gets in real close and seriously

he whispers in my ear, don't do this. You don't want to do this. Calm down. You don't want to do this. And that's the only thing that kept me from fucking. And then they went and did the sketch where John was the rapping baby. Without apologizing or like anything.

He slapped him on his back. He has never apologized to me for that because I guarantee. I'm sure whatever his perspective for this argument is, Holden is convinced he's right. So he never apologized to me for this. He slapped me in the back and I was fully ready to punch him in his fucking face. Not right. Not right at all. That's why I hate Holden fucking Nicky Neal.

Kevin, why do you hate Holden? I feel like that's it. I think that's it. That's perfect. That was such a... He slapped you in your back. Yeah. It was a sucker slap to the back.

It wasn't even a punch to the back of the head. Is that not the pussiest thing that's ever happened? I've punched people in the back of the head. That's not a pussy thing. No, no, I'm saying what Holden did was slapping someone in the back. I said to him, I go, go ahead, hit me. And I turn around and I get. He literally turned around and bent over.

So his back was just laid out. Oh, my God. Holden slapped it like it was a bench. The worst part about it is I can understand maybe if you're a dude who was born in Park Slope, but he's from the South, man. He's not a man. Oh, the rest of his family is not like Holden. Holden is the outcast of his family.

Oh, I love him. It's inconceivable, man. Every is a wonderful man. Anyway. All right. I don't know. I feel like we should all just say we hate Holden because of that. That's what I was going to say, too.

I hate Holden because he fucking back-slapped John Moreno after John confronted him to his face and said, Hit me. And he waited until he turned around. If John had a gun, I wouldn't have stepped in. I mean, everyone hates Holden for their own individual reasons. He's bumpy. He's lumpy. Congratulations, everyone.

You made it through a Holden-less episode. The fact that Holden's not here, let's just throw this to the audience. Yeah, this one's for you guys. This segment... This is... Yeah, you guys enjoy your life. Like, why do you hate Holden? Why do you hate him?

Let's hit up the Facebook page. Why don't you guys really let us know why you hate Holden McNeely? Leave a comment and base it off of everything that John just said and everything that you've heard him say. Let's really tear this fucker down. Yeah. He's got too much. Holden has too much. He's got too much. Holden has too much.

He's on vacation right now. It was literally complaining about going on vacation. His ego is massive. He doesn't deserve it. He deserves nothing. He's at a beach house for the next week. With his beautiful girlfriend and great family. Don't get it,

man. I forced a vacation. It was four days sitting in my home doing nothing because I could afford to do nothing else. I've heard Holden complain about having to play video games all day. Vacations. Oh, I had to take a dump. This is your vacation, Ben. I can't.

I love it. You have no Holden for an entire week starting today. You don't even want to believe the pain. What are you going to do? I'm going to do... What are you going to do to his room? I'm going... No, I don't want to go through his room.

Let's switch his... We used to switch his mattress and his box break a lot. That's a lot of fun. Well, I think it took because he sleeps on his box break. I think you guys convinced him. Those are the best type of pranks, man. Just straight up inconvenient. Make the bet again?

You gotta remake the bet. I love that. My favorite thing that we ever did was this dude Rob. He lived across the hall and we fucking hated him because his name on Call of Duty was Rob the Handsome Assassin and he was ugly as shit and we all hated him

and he loved Coke Zeros and he would always go and buy like 12 or 18 packs and we would just go into his dorm while his roommate was there and he wasn't and just open all of the Coke Zeros and leave them in the refrigerator. Decarbonate all of them?

You lost 12 dollars Fuck you Alright Well that's why we all hate Holden Alright That's Marcus Parks I think we should just wrap it up I think so

I think that's good Yeah that's great Sausage Fest October 5th Please come We're gonna have a lot of fucking fun We're gonna find out who the mystery pooper was. Thanks for being here Malcolm X 2. Andrew Short.

Andrew a Twitter or anything that you want to plug. Yeah just check out the Facebook page. Say what you say about. Write what you hate about holding on it. Nothing's too mean. And the undone sweaters. Oh yeah and that too. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I have a web series called the undone sweaters on YouTube. You should check

out. Check that out, please. That's right. And spread the hate to Holden on the Cave Comedy Radio page, too. Please. I mean, he's got his own page. You know, those weirdos can go appreciate Holden on the Holdenators page. Yeah. But please let us know, for us, for the rest of us, like, why we do this.

Right. Let us know Holden's horrible. He's the worst and everybody knows it. Yeah, I'm going to have like, why we do this. Right. Let us know. It's horrible. He's the worst, and everybody knows it. Yeah, I'm going to have to listen to all of this. Marcus Parks on Twitter. What is it, Kevin? Kevin Barnett on Twitter. No, Fatboy Barnett.

Fatboy Barnett. You're the skinniest one. And I'm Ben Kissel. And, John, anything for you? I think I have one follower on my Twitter page, which is... Me.

Not So Moreno, and it is Ed Larson. And I tried to delete it several times. I have no idea how you found it. I found it. You found it. Not So Moreno. Yeah, Not So Moreno.

I tweet nothing. So... So follow him. That's great. All right, everyone. We'll talk to you soon.