The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 214: The 11th Day Feast for the Monkey's Soul

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

Today on Round Table: a Make-a-Wish recipient dies fulfilling his wish, a man in England dresses in a gimp suit for charity, and an entire village in India mourns the death of their monkey.

Hey everyone, Marcus Parks here to remind you about the Cave Comedy Radio Sausage Fest that's coming up on October 5th. We're going to be starting at about 3 p.m. Cooking a whole bunch of bratwurst. We've got a mac and cheese cook-off. And then around probably 6 or so, we're going to start doing some live podcasting stuff downstairs. Then we're going to have a stand-up show featuring all of your favorite Cave Comedy Radio personalities at 8 o'clock upstairs on the main stage. And then we're going to round it all out at 10 p.m. downstairs with the Cowmen,

the band that features myself and Holden McNeely of the Roundtable of Gentlemen. That's the Cave Comedy Radio Sausage Fest on October 5th. See you there. It's rigging to send the colors, my friends, over the edge. Sausage Fest on October 5th. See you there. The round table. Gentlemen. Aye. Let's broaden our minds.

Lay on, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the day. What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Oh, my God. All right, let's start the show.

What's your magic? How do you get a hold of him? Marcus? Because he wants to talk to me. Yeah, yeah. All right, Jackie, you got to pray. I haven't been here in a while. It's hard to jump back into a prayer.

Just say something nice about somebody. All right. Fucking Jesus Christ. Stop looking at me, Holden. Don't look at me. Look away from me. I want to fucking thank bitch ass Jesus for Barnett's new tight pants. I agree.

Because I would have to say that if anyone on this round table, I don't want to see anyone in tight pants except for Barnett. I have huge non-tight pants, but they're still tight. They, well, no, no, no. They're just tight at the waist. They're not tight at the fucking jungle down below. And Barnett's got fucking bird seed popping out of him. He's all complaining because he's all chafey. And right now, fucking fat Ed Larson

isn't here, so I have a whole side to the table to myself. It's like, I got Ebola. I'm African today, Barnett. Ebola is a very serious epidemic. Amen, amen, amen. That's where it came from. Yeah, but gentlemen, you gotta be,

you can still be you. Why? You can be white and get Ebola. Send me to Africa. Man, they would probably pray to me like a god because I'm so big and pale. With any luck, they would. I think most Africans have seen white people.

On the internet or something. Not like Jackie, though. Yeah, man, I'm a firecracker. That's right, I'm a firecracker. That's right. You are a firecracker. Welcome to the Roundtable of Gentlemen, everybody. That's great.

Jackie, we know you're here. Yeah, I'm here. Haltnators, ho! So much space. Cut off what I'm saying, Holden. Yeah. I hate you. I hate you. I didn't miss you at all.

Let's send some healthy hoes out to my lady love. She fell down a flight of stairs. Did she fall down a flight of stairs? Yes. And she totally didn't. Holden completely butchered out. No. No.

We were at a party. Multiple witnesses. I was watching the seminal. There were no witnesses. I'm the closest to a witness. I was watching the football game in the other room. He was actually sitting right next to me. Right, but let's pretend like he wasn't watching the football game.

Now it doesn't matter. And then I took her to the ER like a prince would. Like a prince who kissed a frog and it turned into a girlfriend. You just called her a frog. I'm going to tell her and she's at home very pained. I always call her my little froggy bear. My little froggy suckle. So she's like a hybrid?

The frog and the bear? I want to see my frog's breasts is what I say before I go into the bedroom. I'd like to see your frog's breasts too, actually. Think about it. That's great. So you pushed her down a flight of stairs and you brought her to the hospital. Yes. That must have been awkward.

That was the funnest part was telling her that we had to tell all the people at the hospital that she fell down a flight of stairs and then they all looked at that she fell down a flight of stairs. And then they all looked at me like I was a wife beater. Well, you both were very drunk. Yes, with the alcohol on my breath and the black eye on her face. Like saying she fell down a flight of stairs.

That's like the hack excuse. Yeah, yeah. That's what everybody says. It's like so lazy it actually might be true, you know? Maybe like, yeah, if I had said more details Or something So yeah we were there We were there with Trying to remember Some of the other

Fun people I met There was a group of Puerto Ricans Who got into a drunken car accident I think they got into a car accident Unless they got into A headbutting competition Either one

Which if they were Puerto Rican They might have They had blood Fucking all down their face But they were wearing Their like club clothes For sure you know So they were definitely

Hammered and passing out on the gurneys. I looked over at one dude while Alexi was getting her x-rays, and he just looked at me with blood all over his face, and he gave me a little wink. And smiled. I was like, alright man, I guess

we're in this together now. I'm in love with that guy now. Kevin, why do you like Puerto Rican so much? They're just so hard to understand. They definitely look like they didn't really give a fuck that they were there

or whatever. Yeah. Maybe it wasn't the first time that week or something like that. Yeah. They were just sort of like, they kept just going like, get him first, you know,

get him first. Oh, that's nice. That's so nice. Yeah. Wow. Because they wanted to fuck your girlfriend. Probably.

Yeah. Did you go to Woodh fuck your girlfriend. Probably. Yeah. Did you go to Woodhull? No. No, we went to someplace in... Mount Sinai in Queens. Astoria, yeah. I do want to clarify, Holden did not push his girlfriend down a flight of stairs.

Well, we don't know that. Whoa! Whoa! Okay. It just happened, man. He flipped the script. I'm just saying, you know, we'll take it to court. I have witnesses, but I will also go to court.

You want to go to court. I like court. So right now you're on the line for being a spousal abuser and a tub pooper. Yes. Okay, so we don't know if you are or not a disgusting shitter or a wife beater. My grandpappy used to say, poop the tub, beat her with a club. Well, I would love to meet your grandfather. He was a bit of a caveman.

I would love to take you to court, Holden, just for the emotional distress of it happening in my apartment. Yeah, yeah. It really is entirely. Yeah, Jackie cried. Jackie cried. I didn't fucking cry. I never cried. She cried hard about it.

No, I don't ever cry. Like the biggest fucking pussy you've ever seen. I sealed it up with fucking Gorilla Glue. The worst thing that happened all night, though, was Jackie was on pizza duty, and she ordered broccoli pizza. You ate the broccoli pizza. Which is disgusting.

Kevin, your thoughts on broccoli pizza? Why would you do such a thing? I like broccoli. Thank you. I would broccoli eat everything. I like broccoli, too, but you don't put it on fucking pizza. Also, Kissel,

if you want to keep complaining about the pizza, why don't you give me some money for the pizza that you ate? Because. It's like, I like No Country for Old Men, but I'm not putting that DVD on cheese. It's great, but you ate the broccoli pizza. There were

other kinds of pizzas for you to eat and chose to eat the broccoli pizza. It was just broccoli? Just broccoli. But there was a cheese pizza, there was like a pepperoni pizza, there was like a million other fucking pizzas. I like Gone with the Wind, but I'm not putting that book on the pizza there. Goddamn great joke, Holden.

No, that's a boo. That's not a boo. He got booed. You get booed with your broccoli pizza idea. I'm Scarlett O'Hara. Well, maybe if Lexi was eating normal pizza, she would have had enough energy to go down a flight of stairs. Well, maybe if she'd eaten the whole pizza because she just ate the cheese off of the broccoli pizza. Didn't eat the broccoli. didn't eat the crust, just picked the cheese off of it and left it in the box.

How did that make you feel? I was upset. Would that have given you a reason to maybe push her down the stairs? Interesting. You did come down immediately afterwards. Yeah, and you weren't in the room with us when she fell. Right, and she was all like, she's fine. She doesn't need any help.

Yeah. She'll be okay. Yeah, I spit all over her and I said, yeah, now she's my baby. I put my slime on her. You slimed her. I slimed her. Yeah. You're a dirty ostrich bitch.

I'm going to make you an egg and put it up inside of my carton. Ooh, that's the most erotic thing I've ever heard that I don't understand. Barnett never introduced himself. I know. I was just going to say that. Oh. It's done. I did it.

I'm sorry. I spoke over it, though. Can you do it again? Lugl. There it is. All right. I am Ben Kissel, of course. Thanks for all the Kisselites out there.

Very fun fan page. It just doesn't seem to be really kicking up the way you would want it to well it is holden there's the numbers are going and going and uh wow there's a lot of them i'm sorry in light of the recent tragedy i almost forgot to give a shout out to the fucking donors out there who adopted the goddamn uh fucking komodo dragon i was about to say crocodile thank you for saving me on that. His name's Rico. You don't deserve him. No, you don't. He doesn't. You don't fucking deserve him.

I got all this stuff. I want to take a picture of all this stuff. I haven't been home because I'm intending to my girlfriend like a fucking nursemaid for the fucking... 12 hours. Compacts and fucking eating on her Percocets, which has been pretty fun. So you're complaining about being a victim because your girlfriend flew down the stairs. I love her Percocets.

I was like, oh, no, we're already out. There must have only been one in the bottle. They must have only given you a prescription of one. Sorry. Yeah, I think that happened. But thank you. Yeah, I love it. I have a Komodo dragon out there going around

fucking shoving his tails in fucking bear pussies or whatever the fucking wildlife is out there. Andrew Parker?ving his tails in fucking bear pussies or whatever the fucking wildlife is out there. Andrew Parker? Yeah, he started it. He started the campaign but we had five donors. I don't know their names. Probably names like Jimbo and Cheeto and Lou

probably was the name of one of the donors. I remember one of them was Sleazy Pete. Sleazy Pete. Gift Rap Timmy. Whistle and Steve. We know the whole gang. Yeah. So now that Holden has his little dragon thing, we got to get this bird for Luger.

Yeah, what's going on with that? How do I have a Komodo dragon? I started that campaign a year ago with the bird for Bird Luger. Get the African gray. West African gray. It's really sad what happened to me, man. It's not right. Clip my wings, man. Well, Kevin, you've said the word sad, which triggered me to remember that we have the first news story of today,

which is possibly the saddest but yet the most humorous news story ever covered here on Roundtable. I'm excited to hear your opinions on it. The family of a sick boy who was offered a trip in a high-performance Porsche because he was dying of cancer is suing the charity after the Porsche he was traveling in crashed head-on into oncoming traffic. After schoolboy Raphael Whitman. All right, so just stop there. For listening at home, everyone did silently laugh. It is such a sad story, but the irony is too much.

The irony is off the charts. off the charts. After school boy Raphael Whitman, 14, ended up in intensive care and later died, neither the charity nor Porsche had bothered to get in touch or offered to help and as a result, the family are now demanding compensation. The teenager was an enthusiastic

footballer until he was diagnosed as suffering from cancer just over a year ago. Despite intensive therapy at his home in Vienna, the retreat was not a success and his parents were given the tragic news that he was unlikely to live. Determined to make sure that his last days were as good as possible,

his father managed to arrange a holiday for him and his son. Shortly before that, he was contacted by the children's cancer charity Kinderkrebshilf to invite Raphael for a drive in a high-performance car on the outskirts of the Austrian capital, Vienna. But the Porsche Forum Austria charity excursion event ended for Raphael within minutes of starting when the powerful Porsche 986 crashed into traffic coming the other way, leaving the teen in intensive care with two broken legs.

The force of the crash was so intense that the youngster had even bitten off his tongue. So that didn't lead to the humor I thought it was going to. Well, possibly this will. The tragic consequence of the accident was that he spent the last weeks in his life in the intensive care ward suffering from severe injuries. His holiday to Tenerife had to be canceled, and the only acknowledgement he got of his suffering from those who caused it was the gift of an iPhone from the driver of the car, which had crashed with Raphael inside. It was a phone he had used to send the youngster pictures of his own holiday in Greece in a misguided attempt to cheer him up.

And the child died soon afterwards. So what are your issues, people? You don't got none. You know, not compared to this young boy. I got a lot of fucking problems. Bigger than that? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But the thing is that I feel like

these charities need to be flipped onto their ass. Rather than giving these kids and teens an experience before they die, they should choose how to fucking go out. And I feel like they just fucked it up. It's like, I would rather die in a fiery fucking Porsche crash than die in a bed. But Jackie, why

are you retarded? Oh, no. You're not retarded. He was just joking. Oh, no. Mentally disabled. No, he did actually die in a hospital bed after two agonizing weeks of broken legs and no tongue. I'm saying they screwed it up.

It's like, I want to be bashed to death by an elephant. Wouldn't that be fun? That would be great. Make sure it happens. Yeah, I feel like all ambulances should come with a big rock in them so that you could just walk over and be like, fuck it, dude, this dude don't need to suffer no more, and just drop the rock on his fucking head. I love that. No, right, I agree. Big drain on the bottom so you can just get all the rock on his fucking head. Right? I love that. No, right.

I agree. Big drain on the bottom so you can just get all the blood out of there quick. Drain it out. But I think every ambulance just put a big rock in there and it's a judgment call for the ambulance drivers. Yeah, but what if you had pushed Lexi down the stairs and get the ambulance? Allegedly. Oh, yeah. No, allegedly.

You're the one who made the allegation, Holden. I am. I am my own. I am my own judge and jury, okay? And I will sit here and accuse myself and everyone else of crimes. You fucking pulled your dick out and showed it to a little boy. Well, that's just simply not true. Allegedly. That is absolutely not true.

Allegedly. Well, you just alleged it. You can't do that. His name was Timo. Oh, Timo, yeah. The Indian boy. Timo the Indian boy, yeah. Which Indian?

I still don't know which Indian. That was the worst racist and still the worst. Loves animals religiously. Everyone does. Everyone does. What do you think about this story, Kevin? I mean, yeah. Did the boy's dreams come true?

I think it's just a really funny story. We all need it, man. We needed that to get this Sunday going. Make us happy. Yep. Yep. Yeah, it is a tougher story to joke about than I thought it was going to be. No.

I think, you know. The further irony is that it sounds like he didn't even really want to take the Porsche ride. This was an advertisement for Porsche, right? Yeah, this was something that Porsche, they heard about his plight and they decided they were going to give him a ride in the Porsche. He was all excited

about his vacation to Tenerife that was coming up the next month. That's all the shit he's getting. He's dying. He's dying of cancer. We're all dying. Well, not of cancer. Every day we're dying. That is true.

From the moment you're born, you're dying. Well, you're living until you die. Yeah. You're living until you're dead. I was born to be alive, my friend. Born, born, born to be alive. What is that? It's a great fucking song

Is it Medieval Bitches? Is that the name of that fucking band? It's one of the best songs that's ever existed Marcus, can we play that song on the episode? Yeah, I'll play it in the background Hell yeah, Born to be Alive Can we also get like gunshots Can we get spaceships

I know exactly where to get both Can we also get a question? Should I just add hours to Marcus' editing job? Yeah. Can we also get, like, some scenes from All in the Family? All right. Oh, my, I'm so happy. I'm so happy.

I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy.

I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy.

I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy.

I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy.

I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy.

I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm so happy.

I'm so happy. I'm so Give me an impossible task. Can you have Holden's voice not be annoyed? That's a hard one. Impossible. Impossible. Very nice. He steamed it. So how much is the family suing the Porsche for? Well, it looks like he says, all he said is that the father, of course, he says, I want justice for my dead boy, not me.

He said it was a charity. That's not true, by the way. What do you think about the family suing Porsche? They got to be in it for financial gain. Of course, that's fucking awesome. Please give me a reason to sue Porsche. Yeah. It's a pretty weak-ass make-a-wish, isn't it?

I don't think there's any cancer kid who's like, I want to drive in a Porsche. I mean, when you're in a Porsche, you're just in a car. Yeah. You're going fast. Yeah. Too fast. But this is like the best make-a-wish I've ever heard in my life, right? No, not at all.

I've heard better. Yep. The lawyer for the family said it was a charity event, but these things should be properly organized, and that means that there should be insurance as well as anything else. But the children's charity claimed they didn't organize this, but won't tell us who did. So it seems like they're just passing the buck around. If I had to make a wish, my wish would be a pounded nug. We can get that

for you. Would they do that for me? Maybe not. Yeah, I think if you have cancer, you could just, yeah, you could get a medical. Probably just get an ambulance. Yeah, that's pretty dumbass. Yeah, so that's a bum wish. You gotta figure out another one. It's a doable wish, which is nice. Very reasonable. Trip to the bunny ranch. You think they'd do that?

But you know, that Bunny Ranch, the trip there, sure, but you gotta get where you can have like 50 free positions. Right, right. They screw you over over there. Yeah, you get a bunch of... Every position is another 50 bucks or 100 bucks. I mean, I know that's true in Amsterdam, but the Bunny Ranch is that way too?

I watched one of those episodes of the Bunny Ranch documentary on HBO. Yeah, so women would be like, oh, you want to spank me? And then they'll be like, yeah. And they'd be like, that's $100. Yeah, it's all extra. And then you have to agree up top before you do it. There's no spontaneity.

You negotiate. And then, because I wonder what the really freaky fetishes go run for. I don't think you go to the Bunny Ranch for those real freaky ones. You've got to go underground. You've got to go to Manhattan clubs. You have to get a lot of money, though. Yeah. To get your balls bashed. What do you think the rate is for that shit? I think they pay you $50 to go underground. You got to go to Manhattan clubs. That's going to be a lot of money, though. Yeah. To get your balls bashed.

What do you think the rate is for that shit? I think they pay you 50 bucks to do it. They're pissed off all day. Yeah. Hmm. That's true. Looks like when you go in there, half the money goes to the stripper and half to the house.

Yeah. Or not stripper. Half to the prostitute and half to the house. Well, the house is also taking care of the prostitute. They live in the house. Very true. You know? They seem to have a good time.

In all honesty, the girls that are interviewed in the house. I love Cat House, by the house. Very true. They seem to have a good time. In all honesty, the girls that I love. Cat House, by the way. It's a great show. They seem extremely happy. But it would be kind of bizarre if a bald 14-year-old boy riddled with cancer came in and requested to have sex with you.

Well, you'd have to get someone under the age of 18. You can make them have sex, right? I don't think they can do it legally. Under the age of 18. You can make them have sex, right? I don't think they can do it legally. Two people under the age of 18? You can force who to have sex? Two people under the age of 18. You can't force anyone to have sex. No, no, no.

If he's dying, I mean, it's his wish. And that's his final wish. Yeah, and she's not over 18. Right. I'm dying. Get me hard. It's like, all right, I'll get him hard. Get me hard.

I'm dying. Fucking dumbass. Yeah, I right, I'll get a horn. Give me a horn. I'm dying. Fucking fuck, dumbass. Yeah, I mean, I guess you got to. Cancer people are all just like. White people are all like. I love that special. This is what you said, man. White people and cancer people do drive differently.

No doubt about that. Oh, man. All right. Well, man. All right. Well, let's move on. Let's move on to a human interest story. Ooh, I'm interested. You're not a human, though, hold on. Yeah!

Hey, yeah! Oh. A man in Essex who dresses up in a rubber gimp fetish suit and walks the streets of Colchester in Essex, England to raise money for charity, hopes his effort will start a debate about stereotypes. Interesting. The gimp man of Essex gives one pound to mental health charity

Colchester Mind every time someone posts a photo with him to his Facebook page which has more than 2,000 likes. So far, he has raised 375 pounds, that's $610 American, for the charity, but his experiences with the general public have not always been pleasant. He said most people he meets are friendly,

but others make accusations that he is a pedophile or a pervert. Does he wear a ball gag? He does not, but you can see a picture of his... Zipper mouth? Here's a picture of him in the gimp suit right there. What's the difference between him and a superhero? None. Absolutely none. Very, very little. Here's a picture of him in the GIMP suit right there What's the difference between him and a superhero? None Absolutely none

Very very little Yeah that Because I feel like there are more The reason why I asked about the ball gag There are more disturbing GIMP costumes than others You know like Totally Pulp Fiction GIMP is a lot more disturbing than that GIMP

Much more No this guy's just wearing a PVC rubber suit Okay Now if you wear a suit like that to have sex Do you lube up the inside and the outside? I think you've got to get in there somehow. You've got to powder it or lube it. How'd you get into those jeans, Kevin? I would say powder, right?

Yeah, a lot of powder. Powder and faith, really. They are tight pants. That Disney movie, Powder, is actually based on you trying to get into those jeans. You've got to left-handed. All of y'all's jeans are tighter than mine. That's because we is actually based on you trying to get into those jeans. You gotta let powder in. All the jeans are tighter than mine. That's because we're fat on the inside.

These jeans are supposed to be loose. These are my loosest fitting jeans, man. My fucking Johnson's popping out of my other pair of jeans. I think I have to throw them away because of that. You are getting bigger and bigger. Man, I saw a picture of you from a couple of pictures of you from college over the weekend.

I had my Johnson popping out. Holy shit. You guys have no idea how skinny Holden used to be. Oh, yeah. Holden McNeely. He used to be smaller than me. Yeah, but you still had a bad face. Yeah, the lumps and the bumps, my man.

Those did never go away. Nose way a lot. That's the hardest thing is keeping my head up. It's like having big breasts. It's bad for my back. Well, you can get a reduction if you're a woman, but I guess for you, you would just I already had a cyst removed from my neck. I was awake while they did it.

I talked about this. The doctor went in and opened it up and yanked it out right there while I was just awake. They were like, we could put you out, but we would probably just numb it up and you could be awake. I was like, yeah, I want to be like in a sci-fi movie yank the fucking alien out right and they let me keep the little thing in a vial the little fucking creature that was did you have to put a mirror above the bed so you could watch the whole thing no i was in the doctor's house oh i see i was in the doctor's bedroom you have a long history of hospital situations you were recently there

what was he doing under his ass? Oh, so yeah, I was telling the story earlier. There was also the cowboy when Henry took me back to the ER during my nosebleed saga. And we went into the waiting bag. God, why would you choose Henry to take you to the ER? He lived right near me. And so I was just like, this guy's got to do it. And Henry was none to please.

I would rather go by myself than go with Henry. It was one of those where I had to like plead with him on the phone and he finally gave gave up and i was just i felt so bad because you know it's the worst we walk into the waiting room there's this old dude in a cowboy hat just puking all over the fucking all over the just the waiting room you know like we're not even in you know and that he's just there every night it looked like just strung out know. But anyways, the whole day I was there, because I got there at like 11 or noon and left at like 1 in the morning or something. I was there like all day. And I get there, and there was this Asian dude on the other side of the curtain,

and he had to keep telling the story over and over again. Of course, I'm bleeding profusely from my nose, so I'm already miserable. And I'm hearing the story, he's stories like i'm bleeding out of my asshole and i'm pissing blood and i had to come i finally came he's been it's been going on for like weeks and he finally came in because he uh was shitting blood and then he started puking blood and then he puked so much blood he passed out and he had to tell that story over and over again and i'm at 11 in the morning they were like we going to move you to your own room. And this is internal bleeding.

We'll take care of this. I came back at like one in the morning. Dude was still laying in the fucking bed in the same place, telling the same story. And he told it like 10 times to 10 different people. And they'd be like, all right, we're going to take care of you, man. New York ER, man. Cause that's the thing. It's so different everywhere else everywhere else but like and last night was the same thing it's just a fucking madhouse yeah last time i work last time i went there was a schizophrenic guy strapped down to a bed uh across from me just yelling about how he was on

fire just would not stop there was another guy that was just like uh strung out on heroin he was there trying to get clean he was just just like, just let me out, man. So I can go fucking cop, man. You know, just, God, that's great. Yeah. New York ERs are so nice. Sometimes I feel like it's scarier what you don't see in the ER. Right.

When like there's the curtain, I went to go visit. I had a crazy roommate that broke her hip, which was really weird. And we went to go visit her. Creepily on purpose, kind of. Yes. Very on purpose. She broke her hip. Oh my God. Which was really weird and we went to go visit her. Creepily on purpose, kind of. Yes, very on purpose. She broke her hip on purpose? Yeah, yeah, yeah. How?

So she didn't have to work anymore. And would get all the attention she needed. Well, how did she do it? How do you break a hip on purpose? She was walking like down. Down the flight, down your stairs. No, no, no, no, no, no. It was like a big ramp and she had a big heavy cart that had all this equipment on it.

And she was pulling it and being an idiot and like swapping it back and forth. And there was a bunch of heavy fucking equipment. So the thing tipped. All the equipment fell on the other side and it pinned her against the wall. And it slammed her up against it and shattered her hip. And you think she did it on purpose? It's a whole extra long backstory, but yes, I'm fairly sure she did it on purpose. Oh, was this the raging alcoholic you used to live with?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The one that has borderline personality disorder? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. But. I forgot about her. She's crazy. She destroyed the living room, remember?

Yep, yep. I remember that. But she, when she was in the hospital, went to go visit her. And next, in the same room with the tiny curtain, were two people, and I don't know what language they were speaking, but the man was definitely threatening the woman that was in the bed. And she was like, no, please, no, no, no. And he's just like...

And you could just hear... And it was like, all right. And then, like, all of a sudden you heard, like, the thud, thud, thud. And he walks past because, like, her, like, bed was close to the door. And he walks past on his way out. And he looked at me and he held his finger up to his mouth, like, be quiet. Oh, my God. And, like, he was just, like, a big, hulking, fucking, horrifying dude.

And then he leaves. And, like, I just hear her. And she's, like, puking and puking and puking. And, like, I look around the side. And she's off the bed in, like, almost a complete body cast, throwing up all over herself. So I was like, let me go get a nurse. I guess I should probably go get a nurse.

And then the doctor came in. It was George Clooney. Oh, my God. I love the ER probably go get a nurse. And then the doctor came in and it was George Clooney. Oh my god. I love the ER. And it was great. But it was just like, ugh. Ugh. Not good at all. I was there because Eddie had a bad hemorrhoid. Definitely a lot of people puking in buckets.

So much puking. A lot of drunk stuff going on. I love that our friends are just in there for nosebleeds and hemorrhoids. You know, different than what everyone else is in there for. Oh, yeah. Yeah. We're definitely like, yeah, not priority, one would think.

No. What were you? You took Ed in? I helped him, yeah. He was just hanging out there, you know? Where were you guys before? That was in Manhattan. He just had a bad hemorrhoid situation.

Or maybe a hernia. It was a hernia. It was a hernia. He's always popping things in and out of that butthole. And the stomach hits. Could you imagine what it looks like in there? Could you imagine what Ed's fucking ass and balls look like?

And intestines? He has and had huge nuts to begin with. But then when they're filled with your intestines? He's the only guy I know who's going to end up Intestines. He has and had huge nuts to begin with. Yeah. But then when they're filled with your intestines. He's the only guy I know who's going to end up in fucking Ripley's, believe it or not. Biggest balls around. Holy Christ.

You ever been there, Kevin? You ever been to an ER room before? Yeah, I've been to an ER. There was a time where I was just consistently getting hurt all the time. I'd be in the ER once, twice a month. They knew me there, man. It was dope Is that the definition of dope it was dope Like I was like, you know cuz I was fucking I was doing all that trying to do BMX shit and I was bad at that Yeah, I can't imagine you want a tiny bike Pants on I can't bike. With the tight pants on.

I can't pedal it. It's tough to pedal. That's how Kevin talks. I can't hear it. I can't. I really was too tall. Every time I would just fall just from being too tall.

Get a normal sized bike. The handlebars would hit my knees. I'd just fall onto the ground screaming. That should be your TV show. It should just be called Kevin Rides a Bike. It's too small for him. Kevin and his tiny bike. I would get hurt for this stupid

shit. There was that phase of BMX and I was doing the martial arts tricks with the capoeira. I was in the parkour for a couple is like the capoeira-looking shit. And I was like in the parkour for like a couple months. You ever wield a katana? A little bit. Okay.

Who hasn't, man? Me and my whole family. Is that part of BMX? Katanas are cool. I wish all the katanas was part of BMX. BMX would be way more awesome. Yeah, I think it would really... Slicing people's heads off. And now for the katana event.

Ooh, and there goes another head rolling down the ramp. No, but I feel like every time I got hurt, it was the dumbest shit in the world. Like, it was never doing cool shit when you get hurt. Like, I would do all this shit when I was doing, like, the parkour shit. We were doing wall runs, doing flips off of walls, all this shit. I remember one of the times I had to go

to ER, it's because I was walking up on this ledge that's maybe, like, I don't know, 10, 15 feet up, and I was just walking. Not doing anything. I was just walking on it, and I just fell off the side of it. I just stepped, and then my right foot just went off the side, and I just fell off the side of it for no reason. I wasn't doing anything. You're a nerd,

man. Yeah. That's sad. You weren't getting hit, right? No, I was just walking. Just walking? Just walking. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nosebleed was the first time I ever went to the ER. So that was, yeah, just last year. Of course. No, man.

I broke all kinds of bones when I was a kid. I was in and out of the ER constantly. You didn't go to the ER, though, for it. I broke the one, my wrist once. That's the only time I broke a bone. Went home that night just kind of in a sling from the PE teacher and then went to a specialist the next day. The first time I went to the ER

as we were playing football and I was a kid and this much larger child scooped me up off of the ground and spiked me so hard that it broke my collarbone right in half. I like what that kid did. It must have looked funny. That must have been hilarious. I'll admit, I bet it looked hilarious.

Last I heard, he was running stolen cars out of Mexico. I think Marcus might be cars out of Mexico. Oh, isn't that something? I think Marcus might be made out of rubber. I'm going to find out the easy way. If he bounces, he is. If he bounces. Yeah.

Were you jacking off, Holden, huh? You broke your wrist, huh? Were you jacking off, Holden? Okay, I haven't told this story. So pathetic. I was at soccer practice, and I ran. It wasn't even in play. I ran to go get a ball, slipped on it, fell.

Were you wearing a dog collar? On my hand or whatever. Broke my wrist. And everybody thought I was playing a goof. And so the whole soccer team was laughing at me while I was screaming in pain. The whole soccer team pointed Nelson style and laughed at me. Until I wouldn't stop screaming and then they realized that something real was happening.

Thought I was just being a clown about it, but that is the boy who cried wolf, shall we say. I really wish we could have seen that. No, it didn't pop out or anything, but I broke both the bones. It just was like, yeah, it was just like crooked, but it didn't know

Do you have a pop out? I never broke a bone Oh, well, I did so many like ligament things, but I never I never broke a bone at all isn't ligament things worse Oh, it was horrible paint more pain. Oh, yeah, man. I tore Meniscus I tore ACL I pulled biceps ligament all that shit was Hey, do you ever do anything in your shoulder like? What what can you do to your shoulder? What does my girl have right now? I mean, there's a lot of things.

Okay. We'll find out. She's a victim of spouse abuse. All right. That's what we know. I haven't broken a bone either because I am strong. I broke my fucking bone in a million bitches' asses. Yeah.

What million bitches' asses yeah what million bitches asses you've broken in a million fucking bitches I broke off a fucking bone what the fuck it that is a lie I just remember when I tore the ACL

and I had to go get the surgery first of all my mom and she's like a nurse she's like the head nurse at the biggest hospital in South Florida and she was like oh wait till it heals she the head nurse at the biggest hospital in South Florida.

And she was like, oh, wait until it heals. She knows it's not going to fucking heal. It doesn't heal by itself. You got to go get the surgery. I finally get the surgery after a year. You can stay overnight or you can leave. My mom's a nurse. She's like, no, I'll leave.

I'll take care of you. We did the surgery in Miami. We were living in Palm Beach. It was an hour drive. I'm driving an hour. I'm just laid up in the back of this car. My fucking mom stops to go shopping while While I'm sitting in the car. What a bar net.

Leaves me in the back. Mother of the year. She's like, I just stayed in the back. We're going to go here and shop. I was like, what the fuck? And she just left me in there. She's like, no, it's fine. I'll roll the window down. That's great.

Like a dog. What kind of shopping? Shopping for groceries or just clothes? She made groceries, but then she bought a bag. She bought a bag. I love it. She made stops. It was multiple bought a bag. She bought a bag. She made stops. It was multiple stops.

It's a long drive. I mean, she had to waste her time. Yeah, when's she going to be back to Miami? She knows that you're going to be just fine there in the back of the car. Didn't even leave the air conditioner on. Like, just rolled down the window. Rolled down. Hot as shit.

Sweating. Legs all bloodied up. Well, I'm sure she loves that bag, though. I'm sure it was a hell of a bag. Marcus, what's another news story? Ooh, even though Eddie's not here, we're still going to do some monkey news. Oh, all right. Monkey news.

Nearly 200 Indian villagers have shaved their heads to mourn the death of a monkey from their local temple. Which kind of Indian? That would be overseas Indian. Thank you. The macaque drowned when it fell into a pond after being chased by dogs. Yeah, macaque. Macaque. You know what I mean?

Drowned macaque, you know what I mean? In what hole? Jelly or something. Schmuckers related. Afraid that its death may bring them bad luck, the villagers held a funeral procession and cremated the animal according to Hindu rituals. Another 700 villagers shaved their beards off. Monkeys are considered sacred by Hindus,

and there are temples dedicated to the monkey god Hanuman. Jackie is so pissed off right now. How many animals are sacred over there? A lot of them. Jesus Christ. I think they're all pretty much sacred. I like this tradition. What do they eat? Is it just rice?

They don't eat monkeys. Oh, my God. Are you eating monkeys? Were you making monkey burgers over your place? I would if I could. No, come on. They're too expensive. I ain't got the money.

It's gaming. It's eat. You eat what you got. It is an animal. Eat it. It is considered to be bad luck in India for a monkey to die in your village. No, it's bad luck to put your shoes on the table. Not fucking bad luck for a monkey to die.

Don't bring your Irish-Italian ideals into this. I'm not Irish. Whatever. Polish. It is good luck, though, for a monkey to smoke a cigar in your village. That's amazing luck. That is always good luck if that happens. George Burns.

Well, the customary 11th day feast to pray for the monkey's soul was put off by a day and held on Sunday so that school children could also attend. I think this is nice. What? So 11 days after the monkey dies, they have a feast? Yes. It's the 11th day feast to pray for the monkey's soul. So that's a thing. It can't be all Thanksgiving and Christmas all over the world, Jackie.

People have fucking ways and means of doing shit. But then it's like 11 days, 11 days. So it's like, how do you know which day the monkey died? I will say they're looking for a reason to party. And any reason will do. And by the way, it was a good party. The entire party cost about $2,500. That's 150 rupees.

That's a lot. Yeah, that's a lot. So none of them ate for the rest of the year, right? It does seem like Joan Rivers got less of a send-off than this macaque. How much money is that in geningles? That would be 7,000. What country uses the currency of geningles? Geningles?

Yeah. Small town in Iceland. Yeah. The one where they all wear fucking assless pants. Ah, yes. Easy access. Gafargigan. Yeah.

Oh, I would love to go there. Gafargigan. Asses. Male butts in leather assless chaps. They wear full, what do you call them? They wear the full everything, but just the asses out. They wear the full cloth. I'll take what I can get.

The bending. I love take what I can get. The bending. I love it, Marcus. No, no, no. Shock rob. Is it shock rob? The rest of the world's fucking place for retards, if you ask me. Oh, come on. You know what? I'm agreeing with

Jackie. You are a big part of her pain. Slinky Jacky Inky is what he is now. I see how it is, man. I'm gone for a few weeks, man. Holden just comes crawling up into my fucking wormhole. That's right.

That's where he belongs. How big is this monkey? Macaque monkeys. They're small. Kevin, how big are macaque monkeys? This seems like something you'd know. They're like, what, like five, three feet? How big is your monkey? Macaque monkeys. Kevin, how big are macaque monkeys? This seems like something you'd know. How big is your macaque? Macaque's so big.

How big is it? I have nine feet. You have nine feet because your macaque is so big. You have nine feets. Oh, feets. So you have 99 days. How big is a macaque, Kevin? I said three feet, but it's probably like foot and aasts. Oh, feasts. Yeah. So you have 99-day feasts. I said three feet, but it's probably like what, like foot, foot and a half?

Yeah, they're small. It's not a big guy. But really, I mean, so that's kind of exciting, though. So when it falls in your village, I mean, people say it's bad luck, but it seems like it's good luck because it means you've got 11 days of partying, right? Well, I mean, you have a party on the 11th day. You have to wait 11 days. So you're sad for 10 days. Yeah, it's kind of like sitting Shiva for the Jewish people.

Shiva. Shiva's the fucking multi-armed Hindu god. Hindu goddess of destruction. With different weapons in her arms like a fucking badass. I used to play her Mortal Kombat. She had that cheap move where she'd grab you and fucking throw you down. You could just do it over and over again. I'm going to say Indians are fucking badass, man.

Their gods are fucking kick-ass. Their gods rule. If you want to study some religions, they have the cool, crazy-ass gods. But what about all these animals? What about the animals? Just eat the animals. I mean, they got monkeys and cows. I think those are about the only two. I know a lot of monkeys and

cows in India. There are a shit ton of monkeys. In fact, monkeys will invade villages and cause huge problems for the locals. Oh, I've seen the Romeo and Juliet monkey story. Yeah. What? There's a lot of... Have we talked about...

What is it, Jackie? I don't know what continent or fucking country it is, but I know they don't wear shoes. And I do know that there are monkeys... It's Alabama. they don't wear shoes. And I do know that there are monkeys that monkeys take over towns. And I remember I watched it with Kissel and Holden's old roommate, Jason Kephart, that someone created a movie called Romeo and Juliet, where they took all the footage of the monkeys taking over the towns and made it into the Romeo and Juliet story of two monkeys from

different tribes. What was it? A Montague and a, what was the other one? Capulets. Capulets and a macaque? And I just remember there was one scene where Romeo is in the back of a truck of a man that doesn't want him in the back of his truck. So the guy's in the passenger seat trying to shoot him out of the back of the truck.

This is the monkey. Monkey Romeo. The monkey's in the back. Yeah, Monkey Romeo. But the song that was playing was, hold on. I'm coming. Because he was going to Juliet in another town. That's pretty good.

Oh, all right. Well, I'll have to check that out. That's outstanding. It sounds beautiful. They didn't wear shoes, but they had cars. Yeah. Who knows? I like to drive without shoes on.

By the way, macaques average a little under two feet. Oh, nice. So it's nice. It's like the size of a donkey's belly. Is that how you measure all things? Yeah, pretty much. You don't eat the monkey. You bury the monkey.

I don't think they ate the monkey. They don't eat the monkey, no. I don't think that monkey meat tastes good. That's why people eat monkey brains because it's the most edible part of the monkey body. Monkeys are muscle. Yeah, but the muscle is what you eat. No, you eat the fat. Do you eat the muscle?

You eat the muscle. That's what meat is? Meat and muscle. Well, it seems like monkey meat is actually one of the things that's spreading the Ebola virus around. Really? Yeah. Yep. Well, yeah.

Outbreak. It's the little monkey that starts it all. And it might be coming to London because people in London are eating monkey meat in the markets. Really? Yeah. Do they know it's monkey meat or are they eating monkey meat in disguise as something else? Well, there is a little African community in East London and it has been identified as a hub for a secret market in quote-unquote bushmeat, which is flesh of exotic animals. Yeah, I got that.

You know what I mean? I know. Poop-o! Jackie got some fucking bushmeat. Jackie wishes someone would eat her bushmeat. Shopping on my bushmeat. Put it on an open flame. Put some white sauce hot sauce on it.

Hell yeah. You got a first sale sign on your bushmeat, but no one's buying. Oh, I've got farmers for days. Yeah, you got some people harvesting it. Oh, yeah, man no one's buying. Oh, I've got farmers. Yeah, you've got some people harvesting it. Oh, yeah, man, I've got crops. I think it's too close to cannibalism, eating a monkey. They're too close to us. Yeah, it's pretty close.

And, you know, they say, I think one of the reasons why Ebola spreads is because of the widespread famine in Africa. So people are resorting to eating monkeys and things such as that. So that is what is spreading Ebola around. And that's probably why they don't eat monkeys in India. Outbreak. They need to get a Papa John's. Papa's in the house.

Talked about it on Top Hat today for a long time. Garlic sauce, free jalapeno. Monkey meat on top of a Papa John's Supreme pizza would probably taste pretty good, though. I mean, it's probably better than, not better than broccoli. It's much better. The problem with broccoli is it gets soggy in the, like, that.

It's crispy. No, no. It gets all soggy in that cheese oven thing. Yeah, it's, mmm. Crispy on the top, soggy on the bottom. Just slides down. I'm dipping it in ranch. All right.

We're not talking about when you burn your bush hair so that people fuck you. Bush meat. Don't say bush meat like that. I think bush meat is a much better term than fupa. I like bush meat too. It's the meat under the bush. Or on top of.

But if you're a listener and you're on a date, don't say that to a woman. Be like, I want to put my fucking macaque in your bushmeat. Like, don't say that. I think you could definitely compliment someone's bushmeat. Nice bushmeat, baby. Dang, girl, you got that good bushmeat.

Like, I would appreciate that. Yeah, I guess if you say it like that, it could work. But I would be like, oh, I love your bushmeat, you know. And then it's all rapied. It sounds like a WWF tag team from 1988, the bushmeats. Bushmeat, yeah, when you say it like that. I'm beef bushmeat, this is Marty Bushmeat.

It's not good. Poor, poor women. Those poor, poor women. All the women that have been in contact with him over the years. The current one that's being prolonged exposure to. Oh my god.

Did you see her last night? She spent the whole night in the hammock. Micah? Micah couldn't be more happy. She's clearly drugged. Clearly drugged. She is not drugged. Great bushmeat on that woman.

She ain't got no bushmeat. Well, she has some bushmeat. that one. Great bushmeat. She ain't got no bushmeat. Well, she has some bushmeat. I got some fucking bushmeat. Man, I don't manscape. My bush is huge. It is huge. I got some height on mine. All right, all right, all right.

So there was a... That's where you're lying. That's where you're lying. I don't want to hear about Marcus's bushmeat or Holden's disgusting hairy bush that no one wants to discuss. I'm going to say you could create like an animal. What do they do with like Edward Scissorheads? You could create like a hedge animal.

Yeah, a hedge animal in my bush. You could possibly do a small sphere in mine. At the very least. I got bush meat, dude. I got a fucking ecosystem in there. Yeah, you have a full... I got fucking crazy shit. I got weird little like frogs and shit in there that you've never seen.

New species being created in that bush. Yeah, my shit is full of ants. That's how you get tunneled. They're tunneling around and shit. The queen's fucking sitting on a couch at the bottom. A couch made out of bush hairs. That is probably a very comfortable couch. Horse hair beds are popular, so bush meat couches would probably work, too.

How would you respond if you were hooking up with some dude and he takes off his pants? Not only is there a heavy bush, but it's full of ass. And he keeps them there. It's not like a thing he doesn't like about full of ants. And he keeps them there. It's not like a thing he doesn't like about it. He like loves that he has them. There's showers. He wears a shower cap to protect him. I'd have to stomp it out.

I would fucking stomp the shit out of it. You wouldn't be fine with it. No, no, no. I know how to stomp on ants, man. I'm going to fucking stomp it to death. Before we continue, there's some people you need to meet. This one's Jiminy. That's Stevie the ant. This one's Jiminy.

And this one's Lucy. That's Rachel the ant. She's a bitch. I named some of them after Friends characters. And then this one. I call my ball central perk. It's pretty great. Oh, man.

Well, that's great. Well, it's great monkey news. Yeah, yeah. Wonderful monkey news. Rest in peace, whatever the macaque's name was. Oh, yeah. Hope it got sent off nice. Let's move on to some mischief.

Ooh. Okay. Elvish type of news. Sure. As in elf? Elvish. Elvish. Pan, the piper.

Pan the piper. He's a satyr. Oh, okay. Big cock out then right Yeah big cock Satyr plays they have their big penises What is it the mischief elf For Christmas Elf on the shelf It's pretty annoying

It's a little hand puppet Your dad wears and he comes into your room Yeah and he shoves it inside of my bush meat. Right. Yeah. He says, you've been naughty. I hated that elf. I hated that fucking elf.

Put him back on the shelf. Roundtable of confessions. Out of Detroit. It may have been intended as a prank, but what happened at a football field last month in Monroe County has led to criminal charges. Grass killer was used to leave the shape of a penis spanning the length of the Bedford Senior High School field on

August 30th. Now three people from Bedford Township, a 16-year-old girl, a 17-year-old girl, and a 50-year-old woman all face felony charges of malicious destruction of turf or soil. Unbelievable. And by the way, the 16-year-old was the daughter of malicious destruction of turf or soil. Unbelievable.

And by the way, the 16 year old was the daughter of the 50 year old. What are we treating grass like? Is grass people now a felony assault on grass? Fuck grass. Malicious destruction of turf or soil. And by the way, she's also being charged with contributing to the delinquency of a minor, but that charge is only a misdemeanor. I think that that charge is fine.

But all they did, it was a prank. It was. That's the definition of a prank. Killing some grass in the form of a dick on a huge football field is hilarious. That's great. That's timeless. Yeah. We used to fuck up football fields all the time.

We'd go out, do a bunch of donuts on it, really fuck that shit up for a Friday night. Grass is now a protected uh protected brand huh protected bunch of living shit has been for years we would have got caught fucking up those fields we got in a lot of trouble i don't like it one bit so they're gonna go to prison and be like what are you in for and a lot of people are in there for rape and murder and they're in there for drawing drawing a big dong yep class cons of the prison that day yeah that's true i just feel like what was the girl too dumb to do it without her mommy involved?

I guess so. Or maybe it was the mom's idea. It was probably, yeah, mom getting real drunk and making her daughter do it. A hundred yard dick is a feat, though. That is huge. I mean, I'm impressed. Yeah. It spanned the whole length of the field.

I think it's a wonderful, especially with these football players out there, you know, they're so machismo, so masculine. Have them play the game on a cock. That's a nice idea. Was this in Texas? Because then I would understand. This was in Detroit. I figured it was going to be in Texas because this is a very Texas. But if it happened in Texas, I don't think there'd be all these charges.

Out of all the problems going on in Detroit, dicks on the field are not the biggest issues. No. Not at all. The entire city is always on fire. They have grass. Why can't people draw a dick in the grass? All grass should have dick drawn in it, man. No, not at all. Like the entire city is always on fire. Why can't people draw a dick in the grass? All grass should have dick drawn in it, man. Here, here.

New motion for grass. Tells you your first order for your presidential campaign or some shit. Any patch of grass larger than 30 square yards must have a dick on it. That makes perfect sense. Can I be your secretary of agriculture? Hey, let's do it, baby. Fuck yeah! I'm going to do great. It's not like it was

actual dicks. Like, then I would understand. Like, if they had cash traded. Cut a bunch of cocks off a bunch of guys and threw them on a football field. Yeah, that would be

pretty fucked up, Jack. Now that is illegal. You know, put them away. Reason to be upset. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Be illegal and be disturbing. But if they had like a variety of dicks, like from different species, then it's interesting. They have a cat dick.

They got a duck dick. They got ant dick. I don't know if that's a thing. That's fine. Then a bunch of scientists, biologists run scream into that field just to do some research and shit. It'd be absolutely wonderful. At that point, you just turned the field into a museum.

The 17 year old did have the knowledge. She had a 4.0 grade average. She was a smart girl. Of course she did. You can't fucking draw a 100 yard dick and be a dumbass. You know what? There's got to be geometry involved in that. There has to be planning. You can't even

see the whole dick. Exactly. While you're doing it. I mean, it is like clearly the girl. I knew the girl had a 4.0. That was unnecessary information. You didn't need to tell us that. Well, apparently the cop involved said the mother never stepped foot on the field, adding her daughter did not partake in any of the damage that was done to the field. So the daughter and the mother are both blaming the unnamed accomplice, the 17-year-old. Oh.

And the cop said, I think what started out maybe in general as a prank turned out to be a very serious matter. Court documents show the damage is between $1,000 and $20,000. Hubbard said the final amount is still being calculated, but it is closer to the larger amount. She said the community is pretty upset. I think the community's fine. Yeah. How is that an estimate? From $1,000 to $20,000?

To $20,000? That seems like some fucking stuck-up bitch is trumping some bullshit up to try to make it sound worse than it is. I think so. Also, if that mother was smarter, you pin it all on those girls. They're under 18. You put it all on them.

Put it all on them. They'll be fine. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, yeah. You always pin it on the kids. Oh, yeah, definitely. That's why I want to have kids. Yeah, so you can pin shit on them.

Yeah, yeah. And, like, they did it. I didn't fucking know that. That's why when you steal, like, meat from the grocery store, you stuff it in the kids. Like, you stuff it in their backpack and their clothes. I say he's fat. Why are you paying attention to him? Just because he's fat?

That's what I'll say when I'm shoving things in my kids' clothes. That's a good idea. They're going to be fat regardless. Do we really? Yeah, we have to assume they'll be fat. Maybe they will be healthy. Maybe they will. What are you talking about?

I'll tell you. You make people feel like an asshole, and you call your kid fat. When I was 380 pounds, I was 18 years old and I was using my middle brother, Chris's ID, who was a model at the time, or maybe just out of being a model. He still could be a model too. He's beautiful. He's a real hunk. Everybody loves to look at him.

But I would just go to bars and it was obviously a fake ID, but I gained a lot of weight. I'd just shame them and they'd be like well okay. Oh man reverse fat shaming. Reverse fat shaming. We got it man. We know the corners standing. Fuck all

of us skinnies. They're all bad. We're good. You're not skinny anymore Marcus. You're gaining weight. I don't think so. Is he still skinny? I haven't gained any weight in probably, I don't know, 10 years. Fuck you. Maybe eight.

Well, maybe you got a disease or something. I don't know. You might have worms, dude. Oh, kiss. I might have worms. If he does, give me them worms. I know. My body just burns everything so quickly.

I've said it before. I've said it on here before. I shit like three times a week. What? Yeah. What? Wait, hold on. Been like that my whole life.

We've talked about this before. Yeah. Does he shit three times a week? At most. You're dying, man. Been like that since I was a kid, man. I'm healthy as a horse. Oh, no.

You are a fucking horse. You have literal poison sitting in the eye of you for days at a time. I shit many times, and I love it, man. You have literal poison sitting inside you for days at a time. That shit burns through. Many times, and I love it, man. I've been pooping the best I think I've ever been pooping in my whole life. I had a real hard one today. It was disturbing. I think I'm going to start sneaking flax into your beers.

Then we'll all fucking see. That is not a bad idea. I think he'll notice me. He's got a bunch of flax chunks in his beer. No, no, no. You get it ground up. Flax meal. Flax meal. Flax meal. You get a little in his beard. No, no, no. You get it ground up. Oh, okay. Flax meal. Flax meal.

Flax meal. Gotcha. You get a little sludgy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to start cumming in his beers. Well, I don't know what that's going to do. That's going to take a lot of doing. Yep.

Oh, I can go anywhere. I can go in a casket. I can go in two caskets. Good to know you're not bashful. I can go in four caskets. What about pee- not bashful. I can go in four caskets. What about pee-pee, though? You can pee-pee anytime? Pee-pee most places.

I can't pee-pee into a volcano. It makes me sad. Yeah. Well, you don't want to put it out. And now it's time for a segment from Old McNeely. Your memoir. The story of your life. Cut it with a knife.

Slice is just fine. Boo! No, that was very good. I don't know. I didn't have it prepared. I liked that. I have to do a theme for it, I guess. Came up with this a long time ago.

Many weeks ago. This idea for this segment. It's come up with the title of your memoir, what the first sentence will be, and what the last sentence will be. Okay? I will start. The title of my memoir will be

When It's Big, It Gets Mean. When It's Soft, It's Cause It's Green. A Lizard's Life by Holden McNeely It'll start with The first sentence will be Mommy mommy mommy mommy

Suck it when it's such a baby And then the last sentence Will be Mom died So I fucking killed myself I'm writing this from heaven Common Naira on her, too. All right.

Very good. Yeah. Mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy. I'm a baby. And then my mom died. I'm writing this from heaven. All right. Hell of a book.

Yeah. Applaud your use of semicolon. Yeah. Everything in between, it's just about, you know, what my penis looks like and what my bush hair is, what I do with them. Mm-hmm. What do you got?

Are you ready for this, Kevin? You need a second. Yeah, I just heard. You just heard it. So I think Ben, who's really been working on his idea for this segment,

really should go next. I love segments. Yeah. Let's see. So it's a book title Marcus is a multi-billion dollar publisher I don't like it and he will publish whatever memoir I know no it doesn't matter

you have to go next Jackie I know I usually have a lot more time than this right my book is going to be entitled The Canyon Divides and the first by Benjamin Kissel. That's like a legit title.

Yeah, that's actually pretty good. The Canyon Divides. Is it about your gash? No. First sentence. The first sentence is... Okay, so a sentence is what? It is as a what?

A noun, a verb, could have an adjective. Yeah, at the very least, a noun and a verb, a subject and an action, a subject and a predicate. Ben ran. Ben was born could be the first sentence. Oh, that could technically work. Well, it technically won't work because it's the one I came up with. Right. The canyon divides. Okay Canyon Divides.

Okay. The Canyon Divides. So where are we at the beginning of this tale? Are you going to start us at the very beginning like me, or maybe the first chapter will be I was born and grew up. A lot of times memoirs start with sort of a really fun, popping chapter that's later in your life. Yeah.

You know? In the beginning, there was the word, and the word was Ben. later in your life. Yeah. You know? In the beginning, there was the word and the word was Ben. And what the,

and the word, and Ben, then, and the word was Ben and then Ben created the sun and then Ben created the moon. Okay. And because Ben created the sun

and then created the moon. Bit of a run on. He know, yeah. We're going to need to get an editor on this one. Yeah. Because Ben created,

Ben created the sun for Good Morning America. That poor editor. And he created the sun for Good Morning America. That poor actor. And he created the moon for werewolves. Okay. Period. Okay. So in the beginning, the world was Ben.

In the beginning, the word was Ben, and Ben was Ben. And then Ben, and then Ben, and then Ben created the moon. And then Ben created the sun for Good Morning America. And the moon for werewolves. For werewolves. Period. Because I love both those things. Because I love both those things. But that's afterwards.

That's the second, so that doesn't count. And then the final one is, final sentence is, then I got off of him. Oh, my God. Whoa. Yikes. I don't know. Then I got off of him.

I don't know what happened. Oh, that's a cliffhanger. Is there going to be a two-parter? Is this a two-part biography? It's more of a J.K. Rawlings type. It's a Canyon Divides. It's part one. Yeah.

Part one. Yep. That's good. Part two, the Canyon unites. Well, it depends what the canyon does I will say too the first sentence in my book The mommy my mommy has the like Upside down exclamation point right side up

Exclamation point on either end like a Spanish Like mommy mommy Like Spanish sentence Alright Jackie Alright The title of my book is called I'm not small I'm Not Small, I'm Fun-Sized, dot, dot, dot, Wait, I'm Regular-Sized Candy Bar.

And the first line is... Fucking bitch. The first line is, I felt something prickly touch my face, and I thought, cactus? But no, he had improperly shaven his balls. So it's a bit of a mystery. It's a mystery. I'm like, who did it?

It does pop. That pops real well, right? Yeah. I want to know what's happening. Oh, I'm definitely reading the second sentence. Yeah. It's not going to happen. It's not going to happen.

I want to know what's happening. Oh, I'm definitely reading the second sentence. Yeah. I'm going to have to read the third sentence. And the last line is, and I looked down and realized my legs weren't fat anymore. However, I had become a mermaid. Ooh. Oh, man.

Wow. I'm intrigued. Is that a metaphor? Is it literal? I don't know. Well, I think it's probably a metaphor because Jackie's not a mermaid, right? What if I became a mermaid? You never know.

I guess you could. Yeah, and Prince Eric's going to come, and Ursula's going to steal my voice, and he's still going to fuck me like a fish. Fuck me like a fish. Ursula, I think that's your... Never mind. What? Celebrity. You look alike.

What was that? I loved Ursula by the way Growing up Yeah All the kids were talking About the little mermaid And I was always like Huge tits

Beautiful voice When she stole Mermaid Mermaid's fucking Little voice Or Ariel That stupid Stuck up

What's your favorite Disney movie Marcus? I would say The Little Mermaid's up there Okay Wonderful songs in that movie. The best. Extremely catchy.

The best. It's my favorite too. Yeah. God, I love it. But because I want to fuck Prince Eric. Still do, man. Fuck.

Oh, God damn. Ursula's one of the more underrated beauties. I think so. That's sad when you get all turned on by a cartoon character and then like

you can't even you literally never fuck that dude. You know who's hot, though, man? Nala, man. Lion King, man. I was talking about sexy as shit, boy. Was she the woman lion?

She's the little girl. Oh, man. The little girl lion, right? Yeah, she grew up. Yeah, she grew up. Older Simba was hot as well. But I will say Timon was a bitch. Yeah.

I always liked, what was it, Pumbaa? Pumbaa. He was funny. He was real funny. That's my favorite Disney movie. Lion King is the best Disney movie. I'll never forget when I realized how stupid hipster whites were when the Lion King posters were all over the L train. I mean, I've known this for a long time

about hipster whites, or white people in general, and they put the word racist over the L train. I mean, I've known this for a long time about hipster whites or white people in general and they put the word racist over the Lion King Broadway show. What are you talking about? Are you fucking kidding me? It was so stupid. Oh my God. Kevin? Oh yeah, so my book is

titled, Oh Shit, I'm Dead. To be published immediately after I die. And the first sentence of the book is, Damn. shit, I'm dead, to be published immediately after I die. And the first sentence of the book is, damn. And then the last. That's the full sentence? That's the full sentence. Oh, wow.

Can you do that? Yeah, of course. It's an exclamation. It's an exclamation. Damn. Yeah, exclamation. You're good. He can do it.

I mean, even if you want to say, like, bazoom. Like, that's an onomatopoeia. You can say bazoom. You can say bazoom. I wasn't. I didn't know that. Well, you should have want to say, like, bazoom. Like, that's an onomatopoeia. You could say bazoom. You could say bazoom. I wasn't. I didn't know that. Well, you should have gone to school for English. Well, I would like to change my first sentence.

To what? Bazoom. To bazoom. All right. So it's bazoom now. Now he's going to win, right, Marcus? God, no. All right, Kevin, what do you got?

Well, yeah, so my first sentence is damn. And then my last sentence, which is completely connected to my first sentence, is kazam 2 would have been dope. That is damn. And then my last sentence, which is completely connected to my first sentence, is Kazam 2 would have been dope. That is true. Hell yeah. That is true. Was he too sick? Why isn't there a wait? Shaq's too big for it. He got too famous. Is that what it is?

He was really famous when it came out. It came out. He was at the height of his fame. Actually, you know what? There might be a Kazam 2. I love Shaq Fu. Shaq Fu and... Shaq Fu was great. Actually, no, Shaq Fu was terrible,

but you still love it. I love it. You gotta love it. Did you know Kazam was a musical? What? What? Huh. That's what it says.

Yeah, he did rap a lot in it just randomly. Yeah. I never thought of it as a musical. And he came out with his own rap album. Yeah. Do you want me to shoot it?

No. Do you want me to pass it? No. Do you want me to pass it? No. Do you want me to slam? Yes, people did. I love that song. You know he's trying to raise money for a Shaq Fu sequel? Really?

Yeah. Oh, he should. There's a trailer for it online. It's dope. Oh, dude. Hold on. Why does he need to raise money? That man is so rich.

He wants to put in like $50 million. Yeah, because this just would cost so much. Well, I mean, I will say this about Kevin's book idea. You know, it's definitely going to sell a lot. Right. Because the moment they're, you know, Joan Rivers just came out with a book right before she died. You're reading it.

Yeah, yeah. I am reading it right now. It's just, you know, it's great. It's just a bunch of one-liners. But yeah, it just goes immediately to the top, to the number one. And the only thing about that is, is that you, you know, you're going is that it's an investment. You've got to wait a while unless he dies early. Which he probably will.

Which I kind of want to write this story about the publisher who makes a book deal with somebody. It's about to die. It'll come out on their death, and then the publisher hires a murderer to kill the dude. So it'll come out, and it's all like crazy. It's a great idea, Holden. That's really good. Yeah. I love it.

I love it. I would fake my own death, though. Yeah. You really get to see it. Yeah. It'd be kind of fun. It'd be a whole Hug Finn thing. Oh, yeah.

For sure. I love Hug Finn. Oh, is it? Yeah. Okay. Fun fact, the guy who directed Kazam, previous movie,

right before that, The Air Up There. Oh. Love that movie. I didn't believe when I know about the movie until Marcus just pulled it up the poster. I was like, oh my god, I remember that fucking movie. I was so terrified of that shit when I grew up.

Air Up There? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Love that movie. Kevin Bacon going over to Africa and recruiting big, tall African dudes. That's scary. That was scary. How could that possibly be scary? He gave them a future. It was fucking vicious, man. Look at what he was scary. How could that possibly be scary? He gave them a future. It was fucking vicious, man.

It was. Look at what he was doing. It's like, leave me alone, man. Let me chill out here. It's like blue chips. Yeah. Which Shaq was also in. Shaq and Nick Nolte.

And Penny Hardaway. Yeah. Love Penny. All right. Well, I mean, I gotta say, I mean, I'm gonna to have to go with I'm not small. I'm fun size. Wait, I'm a regular size candy bar. I agree. He's back with a bang, everybody.

It's just that first sentence. That first sentence just grabs you. You know? It's just whose balls are they? I'm sure we're going to find out. Man, I'm going to write it. I can't wait to hear it. I can't wait to read it.

All right, Jackie Holden, Kevin, Ed will be back next week. Sausage Fest, October 5th. That's going to be super fun. I think it's just all day, right? Noon or something like that? Around like 3 or something like that. I heard it's going to rain. I think you should stay home.

Well, it's possible it rains, but even if it does, come on out. And that's Marcus Parks, and I'm Ben Kissel, and I guess we'll just talk to you guys soon. Howdy doody. Send some love to my lady Lex. Yeah, put nice messages on the Facebook pages for Miss Lexi and wish her well. Yeah. It'd be nice.

It'll cheer her up and do it legitimately. Big ass breasts. Well, don't. Well, you just kind of did that, though. Frog teddy bear? Yeah. So, yeah. Wish, though. Frog teddy bear? Yeah. So, yeah, wish Holden's frog teddy bear well. Oh, and if you want to hear me and Jackie on a different show, listen to us on Sex and

Other Human Activities on Cave Cove. Oh, we're doing that now? Why don't you go when you do? Go left, so I guess I'm a lefty. Who's top head? Yeah, we're doing that now. We're doing it now. Kevin's got a show coming on on TruTV.

Yeah, I know. You mention it every single episode. Yeah, it's called Friends of the Kneeple. True TV. Yeah, I know. You mention it every single episode. Yeah, it's called Friends of the Kneeple. I really thought you were going to say Friends of the Knicks. Oh, that would have been good.

It's so close. That's what I call them now. Kneeple. That's how we get away with it. No one's...