The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 215: Slap Dog Tuesday

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

Today on Round Table: a man in New Hampshire lights a fire and chases his neighbor with a chainsaw, two amorous donkeys in Poland are reunited following a complaint from a concerned mother, and a thief trades a diamond ring worth $150,000 for twenty bucks worth of weed. Joining us today: Chris Laker and Lupe Rodriquez!

Hey everyone, Marcus Parks here to give you an update on the Sausage Fest coming up on October 5th. The whole show is going to start upstairs at the Creek in the Cave at 1093 Jackson Avenue in Long Island City, Queens at 5pm. And that's going to go until 10pm. That's five hours of stand-up featuring your favorite cave comedy radio performers. And at the same time, downstairs, we're going to be having live podcasts from 6pm until 10pm. And then the Cowmen, the band that you're listening to in the background, and features myself and Holden McNeely of the Roundtable of Gentlemen, is going to be playing a set at 10 p.m. So, hey, see you there, puppet.

Burn down your church with our torch and red flame. The devil and you know some of it. It's me. The devil and his own son promise to stay. The round table. Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds. Lay out, gentlemen, and let them know what's what. Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen.

Gentlemen of the round table. what's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. To the grass. Eat the grass. Smoke it. Smoke the grass. Grass, grass, grass.

All right. Well, I think that's good. Yeah, good to go. All right. Let's do a prayer. I think, Eddie, you're doing it right. Well, I think it's good. Yeah, good to go. All right. Let's do a prayer. I think, Eddie, you're doing it right. I'm praying. In the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, amen.

That's all three of them. Dear God, thank you for my brand new Noah the movie, The Baseball Cap. It's new? It's my brand new cap. Is, the baseball cap. It's new? It's my brand new cap. Is it previously distressed? It's previously distressed like Noah. It can't be a normal hat for Noah. It's got to be a little worn in.

Now that I look at it, it's a little small, Eddie. It's not small. I got all my hair underneath it. Oh, okay. Yeah, no, I like my new Noah hat. New brown, shit brown hat. And I'm rocking it. So happy. I love the movie. Go see Noah. I don't know the last time anyone saw Noah. I think it's out of the

theaters. I mean, rent it. I saw it. It was like Lord of the Rings, the Noah movie. It's a fantasy film. Yeah, it's like the real fucking thing. They were like rock monsters. Yeah, it was awesome. And the soundtrack was like and I kept singing Noah. The whole movie.

So do that when you watch it and really enjoy it. In the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Amen. Welcome to the round table of gentlemen, everybody. All right, let's go through who is around this round table. I'm Jackie Zabrowski. I'm going to go ahead and say my squirty bird is more of a squirty turtle today. What happened? Does that mean you're shitting at your butt?

I feel like it and feel like it's got a hard candy shell on the front, you know, so all the fucking, so the head is just peeking right out the back. Yeah, like the nose of a little toucan or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah, and it's all spotted and gnarled and it keeps snapping. Your butt snapping or your pussy snapping?

It's all snapping. So every time I go down there, I'm just like, ah's snapping or your pussy's snapping? It's all snapping. So every time I go down there, I'm just like, ah, ho, ho, ho. And it's kind of like a Chinese finger trap, which I feel like it's some sort of flip against me because Kim Jong-un is now dead. Well, he will be soon. Well, he's addicted to Swiss cheese and he has the gout. Word on the street.

Is that what happened? I know he wasn't feeling well. He literally ate too much cheese and got himself sick like a Wisconsin child. That's hilarious. Man, what a way to go, though. That's the way I'd choose. Oh, absolutely. Yeah.

Why not? I'm Ed Larson, and I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that I missed everybody. Wow. Huh? Is it because of the hat? No one believes you. It's previously distressed. No, it's because he was happy in L.A.

I got my God hat, and I'm changing things around. But the hat doesn't look like you've been on a boat, you know? Oh, no. It does look like he's been on a boat. It's a movie hat. It looks more like he's been on a goat. Am I right, people? All right, Holden, you're here ruining the goddamn show again.

Holden, there's hope! We suffer, then we die. We suffer, and then we die. I agree with that. Sitting in for Kevin Barnett, who's a little bit busy. I believe he's in Nashville, Tennessee right now, entertaining all those folks. We got Chris Laker from This Week in Jacking

and a whole series of other wonderful things. Hey, what's up? How's everybody? So this podcast has begun. This was, what just happened now is part of the show. Yeah, the show is happening. All right. Yeah.

I thought we were just talking about the hat, and now here we are. Okay. That's it. Yeah. I was saving the hat conversation for this. The hat bit was huge. People loved it up top.

I really enjoyed Ed's hat material. It was a cool hat. Those listening at home or in their office cubicle or in the car of their most recently bought sedan, do you remember how much you loved that hat conversation? Well, I mean, that's a real lesson for all you young babies looking to get into stand-up comedy. If you don't know what to talk about, talk about your hat. Get a hat. Yeah, get a hat and talk about it.

Did you have a friend that worked on the movie Noah? Is that like a crew hat or is it a fan hat? It was in a gift bag from the Saturn Awards. Why were you at the Saturn Awards? I was and Jeff was. I took the hat. Oh, okay. You took the hat.

Yeah. I also got Melancholia on Blu-ray. Oh, not bad. That's pretty good. Yeah, yeah. Ugh. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement to make, everyone.

Where Tyson felt left, let us... Oh, what? Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Thank you, Laker. Don't talk. Thank you, Laker. All right, everybody. What I am saying right now, our next member of the Chuggle Hut will be competing with me, your own personal lord and savior. No, he doesn't win.

Yeah. You don't even have to talk anymore. You can't even announce the battle that is about your ability to announce. I'm not an announcer. All right. You're a host. I'm not an announcer. All right. You're a host. Well, you ruined it. Everybody ruined my big thing. I had a big thing going and everyone ruined it.

It's not your thing. It's all over Facebook. People have been talking about it for months. I really had it all worked out in my head. I was going to introduce the fight. All right. Okay. Let's take it back.

There was no Noah the Hat bit. I'll tell you that much. Nothing to Noah the fight. Alright, please. Okay, let's take it back. There's no Noah the Hat bit, I'll tell you that much. Nothing to Noah the Hat bit. That's very true, Eddie. Big fat dumb Lupe is here. Alright. How art thou? Boys raped the shit out of you.

Well, let's go. Fuck him, Lupe. Fuck him and his big stupid white ass. Oh my goodness. I think it's rather brown, but that's neither here nor there. That's just the middle of it. I have to know what you were going to say, Ben. When Tyson, what? Thought Lennox Lewis.

People loved the battle. It was a horrible fight. What does it matter? Ali versus Frazier. Every now and again, once in a millennia, comes one of the greatest competitions of all time. Like Frazier Crane? Yeah. Yes, when Muhammad Ali beat up competitions of all time. Like Frasier Crane? Yeah.

Yes, when Muhammad Ali beat up Frasier Crane. That would be fun. That is very similar to this. You're talking about, yeah, that would be, because you're talking about, who, Lex Luthor and Tyson. Versus Foreman. Ali versus Foreman. Okay, Ali versus Foreman. Those are two boxes.

You are a man that speaks into a microphone. Lupe works up in the lighting booth. Why are you rooting this for the listeners? Actually, he corrects you. I'm saying, like, the bartender is going to be the next person that challenges you. Oh, and that bartender has it coming. All right, so Lupe, you and I are going to have a voice-off October 5th right here at the Sausage Fest. What are the stipulations? What are the rules of the voice-off October 5th right here at the Sausage Fest. What are the stipulations?

What are the rules? Yeah, what happens? Who wins what? I have no idea because I didn't even want to be a part of this to begin with, but now that I'm in it, I'm going to destroy it. The loser has to go get voice lessons and pay for it. Or the loser has to have Lupe's job. So everything will just stay the same thing for you, Lupe.

Marcus, what are we talking here? What's this competition? same thing for you, Lupe. Marcus, what are we talking here? What's this competition? The competition, we will have both Ben and Lupe read from a variety of different things that people who read a lot. There's going to be some hardcore

erotica, there's going to be some actual voice spots for commercials, and possibly some stereo instructions. Alright, there it is, everybody. Different types. So that's the main thing. It's not about whether you can nail one of them. It's about having a breadth of voice ability. Exactly.

Being able to speak on different things. Maybe you'll kill the erotica. Thank God for Ben. They're not going to be reading any comedy. That is funny stuff, Ed. Ed's on fire. And how big are those letters going to have to be? You know what I'm saying?

It's going to be like these giant sheets he's going to have. So who's judging this? It's going to be the audience. We're going to be judging it by applause. The applause meter with the arm goes up and down. It's going to be a bias crowd. I would love to hear from him if you guys could read X-rated Harry Potter fan fiction. Well, let's not give away everything right now.

Oh, it does exist. I just want to hear both Lupe and Kissel read for Hagrid just pumping the shit out of Hermione. You know? I think you guys would do it justice for me and for my mind. I'm going to fill up your Hermione with my, you know, penis. Well, you're what? That's it? That's not X-rated.

That's hot. Pumping and dumping. Yeah, I'm going to take a, you know, I've got to work on it. I have a week to do it. I will say, if you want to use some of my erotica fiction that I write under my pseudonym Dr. Tits, you can find that online. We can toss it over. It's just a lot of like, mainly it's like fast food bathrooms and stuff.

Those kind of rendezvous that scintillate the mind and the tip of the cock into getting forced full of blood. And that's the thing I like to do. I like to force blood into men's cocks. What about the rest of the cock? It's just the tip of the cock? It's just the tip. The rest is very dingly dangly.

Swollen blood tip and then just kind of soft. Swollen blood tip, soft middle, brown bottom of it. I would just hit it like a pinata. You got to specialize. Yeah. Target. Yeah, it's called the pendulum when you fill just the tip, and then you get on all fours and you sort of swing it around.

Yeah, I've heard of that. It's the pendulum. I think we've all done that before, once or twice. If you shit on your balls, it's called the gingelum. Yeah. Oh, it's always nice to hear you talk, Holden. Yeah. Anyway, so that's October 5th there.

How are you doing, Lupe? I'm doing awesome. How are you, Ben? I'm good. Your voice doesn't sound that amazing, although it is pretty good. I don't know, man. Once it gets filtered through a microphone, it's pretty sweet. It's smooth.

It is smooth, yeah. Thank you. Like a turtle. Yeah, kind of like one. Turtles aren't really that smooth. Turtles are actually very bumpy. No, no, not underneath their chin. That's a good point.

And speaking of which, our first story today has to do with turtles. Man, I got snapping turtles in the brain. I was psychic today. Wow. A man has been charged with federal smuggling crimes after he was allegedly found trying to cross from Detroit into Canada with 51 live turtles in his pants. Oh. According to the Detroit Free Press,

a criminal complaint filed in U.S. District Court in Detroit said Kaizu, a Canadian citizen, was trying to return to Windsor, Ontario with the live reptiles tucked in baggies around his legs. Those poor turtles almost made it out of Detroit. I know, man. He's liberating them. That's the thing.

Crime's gone so bad there and everything. There's just roving packs of turtles, I heard. Just kind of moving around the city in herds. Yeah, they stick together, those turtles. Absolutely. Yeah, he's sort of like a Schindler-type fellow with his little list there. He's trying to free the turtles.

Very nice of this guy. I consider myself a bit of a Schindler type fellow with his little list there. He's trying to free the turtles. Very nice of this guy. I consider myself a bit of a Schindler. Yeah? Yeah. How so? Saving Jews left and right. What Jews have you saved? Saving from themselves.

I think that was more of a Hitler. Does that mean you're saving Ed from the hat that he's wearing right now? Oh, Ed, your hat is terrible, Eddie. Took a hit on the hat just now from Jackie. Go to the Roundtable of Gentlemen page and post how disgustingly hideous Ed looks with that hat on. I know you can't see it, but just assume the worst. It's a great no hat. So what's the punishment for sneaking 51 turtles into Canada?

It doesn't seem like that big of a crime. Oh, no, it's according to the newspaper, Zoo faces three charges, smuggling goods from the United States, trading in specimens illegally, and exporting fish or wildlife illegally. Let me check those out. I believe those are all misdemeanors, but they might be felons. Could he face jail time? It's kind of funny his name's Zoo. It's also a very boring zoo if it's just 51 turtles.

Maybe in a trailer park or something like that. Hey, this guy's named Zoo. Check him for animals. Got to. Oh my god, there's a zebra in his shirt. I don't know what that zebra noise is. Just like that. Yeah, I go to the library.

Remember in the beginning of Lion King? They kind of did a... They were braying in celebration. Right. That's true. So he must have just been like, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, every step of the way, right?

I mean, 51 turtles in your pants has got to hurt. Don't they bite? Yeah, in the shirt. I mean, they're probably tiny little turtles. Yeah, they were probably scratching them.

The ones they sell on the street. Sure, sort of a Chinatown turtle. They sell the smaller turtles there and hopefully they go to a beautiful home that allows them to grow. So you buy them cheap in Detroit, you go up to Canada, you get that sweet markup. Right, double the price. The Canadian loon is actually better than the U.S. dollar right now.

He was going to probably make $30 off this smuggle. What, do they not have turtles in Canada? Too cold? Not enough. What, do they not have turtles in Canada? Huh? Too cold? Not enough. Yeah, not enough of them. Well, it looks like this guy, just on the one charge of smuggling goods outside of the United States, he could face up to 20 years in prison for that. No way.

Oh, yeah. For turtles? 20 years for 51 turtles? Could be. He'd get less time if he stomped on their heads. Yeah. You could literally violently sexually assault somebody and get less time than that. That's right.

You can't be fucking up ecosystems, man. Introducing new species. In Detroit. What's the ecosystem in Detroit? They were messing with the sludge pit? Yeah. No way. Dookie covered babies.

Yeah, I have actually heard that's a problem. I'll tell you what, man. Weird sludged up turtle from Detroit probably fucked up Canada. Especially 51 of those bastards. Well, sure, man. That's how the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles began. Yeah, they have to be covered in toxic waste or something, right? Yeah, it's Detroit.

That's the drinking water. Yeah. Well, the complaints of the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service apparently tipped off was watching when Zoo picked... Who snitched on him? What dickhead snitched on the guy stealing all the turtles? They were watching when Zoo picked up a box labeled Live Fish Keep Cool from the UPS Customer Center in Detroit.

The box was from Alabama. Federal agents said Zoo took the box and other material to an area between two UPS semi-trailers and then walked out later with bulges on his legs beneath his pants. So this was like a Homeland-level sting. Right. Of, like, following this guy. There was, like, a Fed was like a Homeland level sting. Right. Of like following this guy. There was like a FedEx truck with cameras in it.

Yeah. You got 51 turtles mailed to Detroit from Alabama. And this guy's doing 20 years. Possibly. If he goes to prison for this, this has to be our like freedom guy. We need to get this out of prison, this man out of prison if he does end up having to go.

He's your mumia? Yes, exactly. He's our Mandela. Well, this guy's Chinese, and apparently his plan was to smuggle them into Canada and then smuggle them from Canada over to Asia because there's a large demand there. A U.S. Fish and Wildlife

Service officer said there's a lot of both illegal and unregulated turtle consumption. I was just in China. You cannot find a fucking turtle. Why were you in China? I was hanging out. He was looking for turtles.

Obviously. Chris Laker. You don't know that. You don't know that? He's a turtle entrepreneur. There's a show at a bar there. Yeah, free sake. Free sake. That's a show at a bar there. Yeah, free sake. This guy is going about his business plan all wrong. 50 turtles, he's the transportation himself. I mean, he's not going to make any money whatsoever.

I don't know, man. We don't know how much those turtles sell for. How much could they sell for? What does the average Chinese turtle go for? Those look like side-neck turtles, if you ask me. What does that mean, a side-neck turtle? It's just a kind of turtle. Is it the regular turtle that I'm picturing on my head? The ones with the stripes on their head?

Right, yeah. So your average turtle. There's got to be a lot of money in these turtles. Now, the question isn't... Are they going to make it to China? The question is, how do we get these turtles over there? We've got to swallow them. We put them in condoms, swallow the turtles.

We get on a plane, we shit them out over there. We get a to swallow them. We put them in condoms, swallow the turtles. We get on a plane. We shit them out over there. We get a bunch of yen. So your tummy's just going to be a turtle tank? I mean, that's insane. I think it's a great idea to swallow the turtles. Between all of us. They're going to break out of the condoms.

They're living creatures. They've got claws. All right, you're out. What? Come on in. Let me in. Lupe's got your spot. Damn.

All right, I'll do it. Fuck. All right, well, I mean, I can see why this guy was smuggling, because the Chinese three-stripe box turtle on the black market in China can go for up to $1,200. What? So he was carrying, what was that, $70,000 then? Somewhere around there.

They said that they use it to purify the blood, to cure diseases, and to bestow longevity or virility. Oh, so it's bullshit turtle medicine. Yes. Right. Turtle medicine. Yeah. Chinese are all about the bullshit medicines. I don't understand.

1,200 bucks for one of those. That's how they live so long. Slitting turtles' throats and drinking the blood? Yeah. There are turtle vampires over there. Sounds crazy when you put it like that. That's wild. First of all, the best way to do it

is to get a woman's eggs and suck on those for an hour a day. That's how you live forever. How do you get a woman to give you her eggs and how do you even get the eggs out? Take a woman's shovel and shove it up her and scoop them out like some Ben and fucking Jerry's.

So you take a spork from Taco Bell? Essentially, yeah. Squirt some fire sauce up there so she goes, oh! Gets the eggs all ripe. And you scoop them out and you suck on them for an hour a day, Ben. Well, thank you, Holden. You inward. You got movie dumplings.

Jesus. What just happened? Have you seen that movie Dumplings? Okay, hold on. Lupe, we have to let Holden's racist term. Can we edit my laughter out? Good Lord. All right, Lupe, what's your major statement that matters the most?

Has anybody seen Dumplings? Yeah, I eat them all the time. Oh, movie. This chick makes dumplings from fetuses. Oh. That's what you reminded me of. And I actually think it is a Chinese movie. Yeah.

Eat the babies. Well, that's like a Japanese thing. I've seen the movie. I was just about to judge you, but then I realized it all came back to me. Yes, I remember Dumplings. See, you have more in common than you think. I think at the end of the day, it's not a battle as much as it's a love song you're singing together. Hey, man, I'll tell you

one thing. Lupe and I, you know, it's really gonna be something special to watch. Yeah, I want to see you guys. To listen. To watch. Who gives a fuck? Yeah, we're gonna listen. Why would you show up to watch? It's really going to be terrible to watch. What do you mean?

Actually. No, I'm a very attractive guy. Lupe's attractive. You guys are both going to be sweaty fucking messes. I haven't sweat a day in my life. Yeah. I haven't. You're sweating right now.

I'm not sweating. It's not even hot in here. I'm not sweating. Man, Kissel, pay me $20,000. I'll scrape out all my eggs. You can have them all. That's Holden. I. I'm not sweating. Man, Kissel, pay me $20,000. I'll scrape out all my eggs. You can have them all. That's Holden. I don't want your eggs.

How many eggs are we talking about here? Millions of them. You have a million eggs in your body right now. I have millions. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Millions. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've got so many.

She's like a salmon. Yeah, yeah. That's why I'm fat. It's not fat. It's all the eggs that are inside of me. Yeah, your sporty bird looks like one of those spiders that has all the eggs on its back and they hatch every now and again. It's more like a turtle right now.

Yeah. I'll take you to Disney World. You get me to Meg's. I hate Disney World. Scrape me out $20,000. Good God. Well, that's a hell of a way to lose weight. Forget Nutrisystem.

Just get scraped out by Holden. What are the fish eggs called that you eat? Calamari. No, caviar. Caviar. Caviar. Caviar. The other one.

The big juicy pink ones. Roe. Ew, you want that? No, I don't like it. You ever have one of those? Yeah, I got forced into eating it once. Did you eat one in China, Chris? Oh yeah, I ate that shit.

Really? Yeah, yeah. I wasn't really in China. Oh, Chris, keep the line going. How did you guys think that he was actually in China? I don't know. You know Laker can't travel? He's got this beard and the hair.

He looks like a traveler. We're at war in the Middle East. He can't travel for the next 10 years. All right. Why? We shouldn't be at war. We should be. We should try to kill ISIS with kindness.

With kindness? With kindness? With kindness. Invite them out. I'll send them my eggs. Oh, well, that will kill them with a disgusting disease. Food poisoning. Egg poisoning from Jackie Zebrowski's vagina. My eggs aren't poisoned.

They're ripe and ready to be filled. Oh, God, that's so... I've never had... I didn't realize I could have a non-boner. As far as, like, it actually went inside. Much like a turtle head. Or when it's terrified. Marcus, so what happens with this guy?

He's facing up to six years. Up to 20 years on just on that one conviction alone. I mean, he got caught red handed. So I'm going to guess this guy's probably going to do at least 15 for this turtle smuggling operation. Oh my God. Ten at the least. Goddamn. What a fucking mistake.

He's going to go to prison in Detroit for smuggling turtles? They're going to rip his little ass up. At least he'll get three square meals a day. That's not bad for Detroit. All right, what's another story? A New Hampshire man was arrested in Chester on Wednesday after he set a picnic table on fire and threatened a homeowner with a chainsaw. Chester police said they were called to a home about 10.45 a.m. Wednesday

on Fremont Road on a report of an intoxicated man. Remember that? This happened at 10.45 a.m. Police said the man was accused of going after the homeowner with a running chainsaw. Chief William Burke said he had lit a picnic table on fire prior to getting there. The officer was also advised the subject had started a chainsaw and was chasing the resident homeowner around the yard with said chainsaw. Burke said the homeowner was trying to defend himself with pepper spray. He said the man identified as Kyle Kapitos himself with pepper spray. He said the man

identified as Kyle Kapitosis of Epping knew people at the house. When police arrived, the homeowner said Kapitosis had fled into the woods. Police chased the man and yelled at him to stop, but he refused. The man eventually stopped running and police found him trying to hide underneath a fallen tree. Kind of ironic. Yeah, did he did he chop the tree down himself with a chainsaw? I don't believe he was that quick. No, okay. What a fun day. And all before noon.

What have you done today, ladies and gentlemen? So what do you think? This is my first thought. It's like, was he up all night drinking? I think so. Or did he set an alarm, get up at 6 in the morning, and start drinking? I feel like most crimes

that deal with early alcohol driven crimes tend to be somebody who did a lot of cocaine or crystal alcohol. Right, stayed up all night, right? Yeah. Yeah.

Definitely. So this guy was probably, he was just closing out his night. It was probably a bunch of meth and some Everclear. Yeah, definitely. That makes sense. I just thought of something.

This is a little off the subject, but by the way, our neighbor told us someone took a dump on the stoop. No. Really? Yeah. Oh my God. Get out of here. What?

I completely did not make the connection. How did you not make the connection? I just thought about it just now. What's her name? The girl, we got her phone back to her or whatever. That's right. She was like, oh, I was sad the other day because I was dealing with all this stuff, and also somebody took a shit on the stoop. She's the relative of

Tony, our super, who is currently in the hospital right now, going through, I believe, something with a pain race. Actually, he's getting his leg unbowed. What do you call it? When you got the bow legs or the... He's unbowing his legs. Yeah, he's getting his legs straightened. Oh, isn't that great? Like Forrest Gump. Yeah, kind of. Or he has the, yeah, he's got the

like... He's getting the magic shoes. Yeah the like. He's getting the magic shoes. Yeah, yeah, he's getting the magic shoes. He's a lot smarter than Forrest, and I can't wait to see him in those beautiful shoes. Yeah, someone took a fat shit on our stoop. Really? Oh, yeah. So we, there's, Laker, I'm not sure. No, I heard about you. You took a shit in your bathtub, right?

No. No. No. Damn. That's Laker doing typical Laker humor. Yeah, and apparently he also took a shit on our stoop. I mean, I wonder who was known for pissing on our stoop. Ben Kissel.

Three times, right? Arrested once. For urinating on the stoop? Yeah. This is hearsay and nonsense. You have pissed on our stoop. Why couldn't you just go inside? I didn't piss on the stoop.

He pissed on the stoop. I'm sure he pissed on the stoop. I can't believe he's lying right now. You heard him tell the story to you. I know this story. I've heard him tell the story to me. I don't piss on the stoop. He pissed on the stoop. I'm sure he pissed on the stoop. I can't believe he's lying right now. You heard him tell the story to you. I know this story. I've heard him tell the story to me. I don't recall the story. You were peeing on the stoop, and then it was going into someone's house.

And they came out, and they're like, hey, stop pissing on the stoop. And you finished pissing, and you went inside. What was the episode of Garfield? One time we were at a rooftop party in Greenpoint, a very nice building. On the roof, it's carpeted, right? The carpet on the roof? Yeah, it's like that outdoor carpeting. Oh, okay.

Ben decides to go off in a corner and start peeing right on this carpet, like in the corner. And then the guy who's playing, we didn't even know who this guy was. He's like, are you peeing on my roof? And then me, him, and Goodman had to run down the stairs. That was a decade ago, number one. And number two, Laker describes grass as outdoor carpeting. It wasn't grass. It was outdoor carpeting.

It was grass. Good Lord. No, that's it. First of all, I'm not ashamed. I peed on a roof. Everyone's peed on a roof. Yeah, but it was just like we didn't know the people, and there was people like, hey, it was like a nice party,

and the bed just starts pissing in the corner. Well, I'm sorry you weren't drinking, Laker. You missed out on a good goddamn time, it sounds like. I don't think your story is true. Sounds like a bad time. Yeah. It wasn't fun. That was the most fun thing that happened at the party. It was a terrible

party full of a bunch of schmucks. I will always deny urinating on the roof. Well, someone shit in our stoop. Someone shit in our tub. That's the only fact we know so far. And we are doing the official Mystery Poo Done It next Sunday on October 5th at the Sausage Festival. That's right. It's interesting that all of this is coming to light.

That another dump has been taken on the side of the fast food. I'm glad we got some new evidence. It's as if someone cannot contain themselves. As if they get drunk to an animalistic state and they just shit wherever they fucking think is a place to shit. I would assume you were talking about me, but I've never had a sip of alcohol in my life. Never had a sip of alcohol in my life.

No, I don't do it. I disagree with the practice. This could be a very long day for you on Sunday. Well, it seems like you're the number one suspect again now. No, I am not. I disagree with the AI at the practice. This could be a very long day for you on Sunday. Man. Lose the toy self? It seems like you're the number one suspect again now. No, I am not. Holden is definitely the number one suspect.

I was not there for two days. We got to get this phone chick at the show. Will she testify? She's a 65-year-old Puerto Rican gal. I don't think she wants to be there. Oh, her. Let her do her civic duty, Ben. I will interview her. I don't think she wants to be there. Let her do her civic duty, Ben.

I will interview her. I will get her testimony, her statement. I mean, if you... She needs to be in front of a poop lineup. Yeah, that's true. I don't know if she actually saw the shitter. She was talking to me about it.

I think she walked out, saw the shit and she was like... No, I mean, you guys all have to shit. And she's got to look at the lot. We're going to have to get a bunch of cake jars. Yeah. Yeah. But then the problem with this, though, is then somebody goes, oh, okay. And then they go off their normal diet, whatever they normally eat.

They'll eat the opposite. Okay, so we'll do that. You know what I'm saying? Because it's like, oh, I only eat fucking hot sauce and bread and sausage, which is what he eats. So he'll go eat some leafy greens. He'll go eat some oatmeal. And his shit will be very different after that. And then you'll eat like a burrito and be like, I'm not having placenta all week.

You know, something like that. It'll be wild. I do think that's a good point. Maybe we'll just, let's just, Let's let... The evidence is out there. It's falling apart before our very eyes. The evidence is out there. Lupe, who do you think did it? Lupe doesn't matter. Lupe, your opinion is not relevant right now.

Lupe, give me your opinion. This is not an official opinion. I want Lupe's opinion. Lupe, Holden is disgusting and people... Okay, originally you said me, Holden McNeely. Everyone knows you brought up the stoop poop, it's got to be Ben. There you go. Stoop poop stalker. God, it just sounds good when he says it, too.

It's got to be Ben. You want to write a song, it's like, it's got to be Ben. It's got to be Ben. He's stoop pooping again. It's got to be Ben. It's got to be Ben. He's a piece of shit and he's fat and ugly. You're projecting, Holden I got big, man

My parents are all like He needs to eat healthier and stuff They saw me recently Oh, they got mad at you They got mad at me Your parents even called you fat They called me fat to my face Multiple fucking times

Yikes That's great I've grown up fat my whole life Every time I see my family They're like, you look great. They always think I look like you. They always do. Yeah, wow. They remember the worst of it.

All right, so yeah, poop gate. It will be solved this next Sunday here, October 5th. Stoop pooper. Yeah, stoop pooper. Very interesting new evidence. Who done shit? Who done shit indeed. I still blame Ed.

He's got hemorrhoids and a major attitude problem. Was there blood on it? He's got a bit of an attitude problem. He does. He does. Yeah, was there blood in the shit? I never heard that from the testimony. Second of all, what's this attitude problem you're talking about?

Ed's? Yeah. I got a great attitude. I'm the most positive person in this building. Is it the hat? Is it because it's previously distressed? God bless Noah and God. He's got an energy problem. God bless God, you know? God bless Noah. And God. He's got an energy problem.

God bless God, you know? God bless himself. And the answer we learned from this. Noah wouldn't be here. We'd all be drowned. That's like that Chinese guy, Zhu. He was like the Noah of China. He was bringing...

But he was just bringing turtles. But still. Mini Noah. Yeah, little Noah. Man, I bet those turtles in Alabama are like fucking 20 cents each. Oh, totally. Yeah, they got it all wrong. Yeah, I checked online. You can buy those turtles for about 8 bucks each

here in America. God damn. Still, that's too much to spend for a turtle. $8? Fuck that. I'll steal it off the street. Yeah, just go to a pond. Smack him on the head. You can do that, or you can just grab it. Get a stomach.

Good. You want to tase it, something like that. Treat it like a suspect. That's fine, too. All right, Marcus, let's do another news story. A devout Christian couple from Florida are championing an unusual evangelism technique, swinging. Christy and Dean Parave met online eight years ago and began swinging after being approached in a store. They now regularly swap partners with other couples.

While most would regard sexual promiscuity as conflicting with their religious beliefs, the Paraves, who both compete as bodybuilders, believe that they can use their newfound connections to share the gospel. Dean told Barcroft Media, God has put me here to spread his word, and our lifestyle community is a great place to do it. You can't get closer to someone than having sex with them. I like it. I think this is actually a great way to evangelicalize.

Evangelize. Evangelicalize. Evangelize. Evangelicalize. Evangelize. Exactly. Evangelize. So a person of the same sex can't fuck, but they can fuck whoever they want as long as it's the opposite sex. I think if they're swinging, though, wherever the cards may lie, right? He said he believes that he's been given a unique opportunity to share his faith with those who might

otherwise never hear about Jesus. He said, I'm getting the people that will probably never even visit a church. Jackie, if someone's taking you doggy style and he's really got you going and you're really wet and you're feeling wild, he's got a big old boner like the best you've ever seen and he brings up Jesus from behind, what do you think? Throw up. I immediately

throw up. But unless he's fucking like, if he's coming all over my face as he's screaming Bible verses, that's fine. Jesus! Yeah, no, but not Jesus, just like Bible verses. Then that's fine. Then he's like a poet, you know, of a fictional story. Right. And then

I'll fucking, yeah, he can keep shoving it into my mouth if he wants. So Bible scripture him just like saying something about how God created the earth in seven days or whatever like that. That's still hot stuff. Yeah, yeah, but I want more of like the darker shit, not like the making of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Sure, sure,

sure, sure. I don't know enough about Bible shit. No. No one will ever get me wet. I mean, why is he on the show? Eddie, you're off. That's unbelievably upsetting. Laker, how do you feel about what Eddie just did? I thought that was a good joke. We all laughed.

I think we should go around the room. Would you let Jesus shoot on you? His load. I'm going to say yeah, absolutely. Are you saying what people think of as Jesus or a fake man named Jesus? Actual real Jesus. He's like, I gotta give everybody a load on the tip of their nose.

Would you accept it? I would definitely. Laker. You gotta, I guess. I wouldn't be happy about it. I mean, I'd ask a few more questions. Okay. What would be the number one question? Be like Really

Yeah Do you have ID Am I gonna like Am I gonna go to heaven Yeah of course He's blessing you with his load Let's do it Yeah really

Jesus Jizz on the nose. Yeah, it's going to hit you in the lips and the eyes. Theoretically, people already eat his body and they drink his blood. I would argue jizz on the nose is actually less invasive than sucking down his own blood. Yeah, it would be kind of fun if they pulled out like a milkshake after the wine, like a vanilla milkshake after you have the wine and the cracker. Be like, all right, now enjoy the load of Jesus. Why don't we enjoy the load?

I guess yes. What are we doing here? You're taking the face from Jesus. You tell me you don't give a little taste. What's that like? Jesus jizz. If you stick your tongue out and something happens to drip on it.

I'd have my mouth closed while I was going, but then I'd probably... You lick your lips. Just a little. You got to... Yeah. I'm sure there's an earthy, Lord-like flavor. I mean, it could taste like something completely different than regular juice. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, I never thought about it. But I would say if you're a good Christian out there, this is actually where you would have to break from the Rick Santorum rhetoric and realize that a man could come on your face if that man was Jesus Christ himself. Yeah. I agree. Lupe, you suck it in on...

And swallow. Keep it in ya. Savor it like a fine wine. Absolutely. I feel like it would taste just like the fucking communion. It's just gonna taste fucking bready. Who fucking cares? You don't think it'll taste salty? Like regular jizz?

Did they have enough salt back then to make semen taste salty? Isn't semen mostly, doesn't the taste really depend on what you eat? It's crunchy. Is it crunchy? Yeah, because all the little bodies. No, they're not bodies, Eddie. I think you have to eat a lot of something for it to really taste different. I think most jizz

tastes the same, but if he's going to fucking jizz on me, I want him to jizz my hair because I feel like man, that would make my hair look so good. I agree. What happened, Marcus? Well, I'm trying to sign up for fitnessswingers.com, which is the website that these two Christian swingers founded,

but the membership is either $5 a month, $7.95 a month, or $9.95 a month, because I was going to make a profile for Lupe Kissel. What do you get for the amount of money? You can get the $5 a month. That's a subscription option for singles. I think it's just however much you buy. If you buy a few months, $60, that's $5 a month. The more months you buy, the cheaper it is.

How is this different than prostitution? I guess you don't make money on it. They're pimps, right? They're just Christian pimps, these people. I think you can make the same argument about porn. If it's just one step disassociated from the specific monetary exchange for sex,

then you're good to go in this country. It's like saying Grindr is prostitution. It's just people finding each other to fuck. Yeah, but there's no money exchange with Grindr. Eddie, you'll have a... You could get premium Grindr. Ed, you're on Grindr. How much ass are you pulling these days?

I mean, it's gallons of it. Gallons of ass. There's a premium Grindr. You can pay for Grindr. There's a premium Grindr? Whenever I search for Grindr on the App Store, there's one that's free and one that costs money. I don't know.

Go with the one that costs money. It's called Grindr Extra. Oh, okay. What do you get with Grindr Extra? Get the edge over your Grindr friends with Grindr Extra, our top-notch subscription service. For a low monthly fee, Grindr Extra strips away all the banner advertising

and gives you increased functionality and a long list of cool enhanced features. It just takes away the banner advertising. They tried to get me to do this in my solitaire game. But the best part of Grindr Extra, more guys. Ooh, I love that. How?

How do you get more guys? If I was gay Jesus Christ, I wouldn't fuck with nobody that didn't pay for Grindr Extra. You know what I mean? Like, what the fuck, dude? You're getting this much cock you can't put out a little bit for Grindr Extra? I agree. Take away the better ads, you cheap fuck. We love you, gay Jesus!

Yeah, that's the thing. Jesus was black. Jesus was gay. Jesus had hooves. Jesus did a lot of things. Everyone tries to say he's some white, skinny guy. Jesus was fat. Jesus was on crack.

Yeah. Jesus was fucking, I already said black. It's in the books if you just read them. Yeah, he had long fingernails. Jesus had short hair, but long fingernails. Jesus had fucking toes on his ass. He used to slap dogs. Yeah, yes.

That's why, yeah, they used to celebrate Slap Dog Tuesday. They don't do Slap Dog Tuesday anymore because they're mean to the dogs. Fucking rape. Well, back to the story. Parabi said. You could have said Jackie. Yeah. That was weird.

I just said rape. I didn't point it at anybody. Well, that's why. It's like at least point at someone and they're going to fucking say it. And say like, Jesus rapes Jackie. No, no. Okay, fine. That's funny.

That's great. I'll take it. Rape is a concept. It's no. Okay, fine. That's funny. That's great. I'll take it. Rape is a concept. It's a word that means things. Well, the male swinger said, God's not going to put a lion with a bunch of elephants, so what's he going to do? He's going to put a swinger with a bunch of swingers to spread his word. Simple as that. Spread his seed.

Can't he just say spread his seed? Because every time he says spread his word, I'm like, you mean spread your seed. It's spread his seed. I agree. Well, actually, the woman said, Dean and I are both in agreement with this lifestyle, so we're not committing adultery. God put people on the earth to breed and enjoy each other. I feel God is always with me, and he has put me here for a reason.

I'd be so mad if a woman brought up God while I was fucking her. I'd be so upset. I mean, yeah. Oh, God is fine. Oh, God's great. Yeah, that don't count. Yeah, no, no, no. But that's the thing.

So are they, but they're not, they can't be safe then, right? What do you mean? They can't wear a condom. Well, I think if they've gone as far as to fuck other people, I don't think they're going to adhere to the church's stance against birth control. And also, they're not Catholic. Ah, right. Yeah, yeah.

Dean said, if I can go to the next swingers event and get ten people to believe in Christ, my job is done. Ten? What a high shooter. This is what? This is the story of the people that are bringing down the swinger events for other people. Yeah. It's so annoying. It's like It's like stay away from them. They're gonna talk. They're gonna like talk to you about Christ and then try to fuck you. Yeah

When they show up He's a muscly Yeah Is not necessarily set like hot because they're yeah, they got the veiny Weird this muscly broad telling me about Christ. She trying to fuck her in the ass. I feel like just find a way to tie them up, right? And, like, shove something in their mouth so you can't hear their gospel bullshit.

I think you just say, yeah, no, yeah, yeah, I believe in Christ. He's great. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's great. I'd take a load in the face from him. Yeah, I've thought about that before, so I'm with you. You think there's a dude that goes in there to follow out his altar boy fantasies? Yeah, probably.

I think a lot of people have those. Priest and altar boy role playing? Sure. Oh, God. Just find a real priest, then. Yeah. I mean. Well, they're all old by now.

Yeah, you're right. They don't want a fucking old dude. We do know one. We have one person here who's been to swinger parties before. Marcus Parks. I mean, what? What? Any talk like that?

I mean, do you have kind of talk outside of? I mean, you do. What you do is you have a start having that nice little opening conversation with a couple. In my case, it was me and the dude, you know, just happened to sit next to each other, start a conversation, have some small talk. Were your dicks out at this point? Not at all. We're fully clothed.

But are other people naked? Are other people fucking? Yeah, there's a fuck room off to the side where many people had already started fucking. There beads over the door? No. You have to walk through the fuck room to get up to the roof where eventually

we all got together on a tent up on the roof. Because the guys, I think how it goes, the guys start talking and then the girls come and they start talking to each other. And then from there you decide if this is a swinging situation that you want to be a part of. Do you just start kissing? The girls start kissing. The girls always have to initiate it. The girls initiate it. And you guys did it up on the roof. You guys a little crazy was the girl a little crazy yeah the girl it's

pretty much in our case it was pretty much an excuse for my girlfriend at the time to eat pussy right okay yeah yeah but the other girl was hot did you get a full she was super fucking hot she was this brazilian girl oh yeah and we were fucking next to each other like the dude was fucking his girlfriend i was was fucking my girlfriend. Was that weird or that was fine? Dude, it was awesome. And then he, like, pulled his cock out and blew a huge load all over her face. It was great.

Your girlfriend or his girlfriend? What's that? He blew a load on your girlfriend's face? No, on his girlfriend's face. Oh, okay. Yeah, it was like a porno happening right next to me. Oh, so you guys didn't swap. You just fucked next to each other.

Yeah, they did. The girls swapped. But what the girls swapped, while me and the dude sat there after the sex, half-heartedly tugging our pud, trying to have weird small talk once more. What? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was weird. In a tent on a roof. I'm so happy you shared this right now. In a tent on the roof in Bushwick. Wow, okay. Yeah, and then eventually, after like 30 minutes of that, I just tapped my girl girl and the sun was

coming up. Did you get to fuck his girlfriend? No. And he didn't get to fuck mine. Oh. Yeah. It was mostly, yeah, it was just, all right, well, you know, my girlfriend's going to eat some pussy for a little while.

Okay. She was going to town on her and you had to tap her on the shoulder. I was bored. I was so bored. Yeah. And it was, yeah. And it was getting awkward. What was going on in the fuck room when you walked through it?

I think the fuck room at that point was over because it was about 6, 6.30 in the morning. Oh, my God. Yeah, we were one of the last ones to leave. Oh, God. Lucky they didn't forget about us. Yeah. Yeah, and there was all kinds of weird shit. There was an erotic massage table where there was a fat guy in the corner jerking off,

watching people getting erotically massaged. Why didn't you do that? I did do that. That's great. You did do that? Yeah, I got the erotic massage. It was awesome. It was good?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The fat guy jerked off? Yeah, he was sitting there naked. All right. So what's an erotic massage? You put a finger in your ass? Mostly it's just it gets a lot closer to the genitals and to the anus than a regular massage. It's normal, but it doesn't go for a lot closer to the genitals and to the anus than a regular

massage. Than normal, but it doesn't go for the full-on go-job. Doesn't go for, like, full-on handjob or anything like that. Slinky, yeah. Yeah. How do you feel about that bullshit, Kissel? I just feel like Marcus got fisted, you know? Like, Marcus got a massage and a man put his fist inside of your bottom and

treated you like a little puppet. Not that I can remember. Well, you don't remember a lot. Were you drinking there during that whole experience? Yeah. And your girlfriend was licking that other man's special semen off of her face? No. Yeah, she probably did, though.

No, I was there. No, man. I think it's fine. The dude blew a load On his girlfriend's face Right Okay And then she wiped it off Right

Yeah Interesting Did you blow a load On your girlfriend's face To even score Yeah No I did not She'd be like

Hey look Where'd you come on Your girlfriend I just went on the stomach So you lost Yeah Yeah he beat me I definitely lost

Good I would have put it Right on her foot Marcus always had Great manners Yeah It seemed have put it right on her foot. Marcus always had great manners. Yeah. It seemed rude. To blow it on her face, and she didn't like that on the face. No, not usually.

It was a special occasion type thing. You probably broke up that other couple, because then she's like, he didn't blow a load on her face. I mean, it definitely broke up us. Oh, that was the reason for the breakup, huh? It was one of the reasons, yeah. And why? Because she liked it so much. It just,

things were progressing strangely, they were progressing into the land of S&M and all that type of shit. And you don't like that S&M stuff. Weird sex stuff.

Oh, no, I don't like it. You don't? No. Who would? A lot of people. Anyone who wants to have a good time. Plenty of people do,

but it's not my bag. Not into it either. Yeah, I mean, Fifty Shades of Grey has now become such a huge deal because of this fucking bullshit. That's very interesting, though, Marcus. You should have treated her better, and then you could still be with that psychopath. All right, what's going on in the news? I don't even care about the news anymore, man.

Just thinking about these swinger parties, man. Stop thinking about it. You and me, man. Let's go. We'll pretend to be like a couple or something. Right. And we'll just go fucking eat pussy. Yeah, I'm gonna wear a dress and no one will talk to you. Yeah, I'll

dress up like a reptile and we'll just fucking go. I don't even have to dress up. Like a fire extinguisher to fire. That's what your face is to a wet pussy. Just puts it right out. Disgusting. Makes it all dry. Your face is gross. You got me.

Blow dryer would have been good. Blow dry the pussy. What happens if you're like a blow dryer? Fire extinguishers actually would still be wet because that sprays. That's not true. That's true. Not one of the dry ones. I don't know.

Oh, yeah. The powder ones. Like a fire extinguisher. Your dick to a pussy is like a dry fire extinguisher. To a fire. On cardboard. A fire. Yeah.

A grease fire? Nah. Handful of sand. Your dick to pussy is like rice to a grease fire. Yeah. That's good. I got one. Ben Kissel is a child molester.

That is not. That's a sentence. As to Ben Kissel's a child molester. Sentences. Inaccurate sentences. I just burned that motherfucker. Good job. Fire extinguisher with the pussy putting out fire.

Now, is the child molesting? Is that like when you shit in bathroom, you don't remember? You just get really drunk and you molest the kid? Edit it all out, Marcus. This is madness. It's insanity. Insanity, I say. I don't like what goddamn words it's been said in this entire mother-shrugging program.

Love having you on the show. Thanks so much for having me, Eddie. I say. I don't like what goddamn words it's been said in this entire mother-shrucking program. Love having you on the show. Thanks so much for having me, Eddie. Everything I say is amazing and everyone loves to hear it. Marcus, what's another news story? I got donkey news. Oh my god. So late in the game.

Two amorous donkeys who were separated because of an outcry over their lovemaking have finally been reunited at a zoo in Poland. The couple, together for ten years, got into trouble when mothers expressed outrage that children had to witness their mating. Local conservative official Lydia Dudziak took up their cause and persuaded the director of the zoo in Poznan to have the animals put in separate pens. The zoo acknowledged their making a

mistake on Thursday and said the donkeys are again in one pen after about a week apart. The zoo said in a statement, it was never our intention for any animals to feel uncomfortable because of their natural behaviors. What kind of shitty zoo has donkeys?

In Poland, no less. There's donkeys everywhere in Poland. Are there a lot of donkeys in Poland? Donkeys everywhere., in Poland no less. There's donkeys everywhere in Poland. Are there a lot of donkeys in Poland? Donkeys everywhere. Those fucking idiots. I was just in Poland. Fucking sick with donkeys. A lot of donkeys, huh?

You're waiting in line at the Duane Reade forever with these fucking donkeys. Well, Poland's behind the donkeys. Nearly 7,000 people signed a petition to have them reunited. That's great. Well, you should look up the donkey population in Poland. Well, sure, Lupe, whatever you say. Good God. Okay, there's a new spike in the thing.

It's really hard, man. If you just say nothing, Ben will lose because he'll damn himself. But if you start saying stuff, you might run the risk of upsetting the powers that be. Right now, Mark is infuriated with you. Living. He's living. But also, I don't understand why they think it's so upsetting. Human beings fuck in front of their kids.

That's not true. Nope. Absolutely inaccurate. I can't wait to. I want to show them, like, I'm cool. Yeah, you're young. Yeah. I'm like, I still fuck. I want to show them, like, I'm cool. Yeah, you're young. Yeah, I'm like, I still fuck. I want you to watch it so you know how cool I am.

I smoke weed. I smoke crack. Yeah, watch me do it. You don't do it. Don't fuck yet. Don't fucking smoke crack. But if you did, this is how you would do it. This is how you would fucking do it because I'm really fucking good at it.

I agree, Jackie. You're going to have very well-adjusted children. Well, also, what's cool about having kids, you can go to the strip club and put them in the air vents, and they can climb into the dressing room and take pussy shots with a little camera. Yeah, it's just like they're in the Goonies. I'll show them the Goonies, and then I'll bring them into the strip club and be like, pretend like you're in the Goonies. Yeah, find the gold.

Find the gold. Yeah, in the dressing room. Or you can play camping in the rooftop fuck tent in Brooklyn. That would be great. You just got to get out of there. The kids would love it there. Jackie, you got to go to one of those. I think you would do very well in sort of a communal sex situation.

You would be sucking and stroking all the dicks, or all the guys would be lining up to eat your sweet pussy. I don't know. I feel like I would start a fight. I'd probably start fighting people, yeah. And that would be fun. That would be fun. That would be fun on a different level.

Naked fight. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want, it would be like Eastern Promises. Yeah. people, yeah. And that would be fun. That would be fun. That would be fun on a different level. Naked fight. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I want, it would be like Eastern Promises. Yeah. Ah, yeah. I want to have a naked fight so badly. Because there's something so primal about fighting someone when you're naked. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know, I just want to beat the fucking shit out of somebody. It's like the first Olympics. Yeah. Yeah. I just want to, I wish I could buy a chainsaw. I know that I can. Sure. But it's too heavy to lug all the way back to my apartment.

They make them lighter now. My mother's got a tiny chainsaw. It's great. Yeah. I could take it. We could borrow it for sure. I could probably, I could probably start distressing all your shirts with the chainsaw too, if you want me to.

I got more hats. Okay. I'll distress all the hats. That's great. I'll get a chainsaw. I also heard Asian women have tiny chainsaws. That's true. We're talking about pussies, right? No chainsaw. I also heard Asian women have tiny chainsaws. That's true. We're talking about pussies, right?

No, chainsaws. Oh, we're talking about actual chainsaws. So we'll go steal Eddie's mother's chainsaw. She's not using it. She's not cutting down trees. She's diabetic and can hardly move. So we give that to Jackie. You have your chainsaw.

You're at a sexual event. What are you going to do? Start slicing off tits. Tits? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll be like, which one's your favorite? And then I'll slice off the other one. It'll be great and I'll attach it to my tits and be like, look at all my

tits. Multiple tits. Yeah, and then everyone will love me. Because you have everyone's favorite tits on you. That or I'll sew them to my stomach and I'll pretend like they're udders. Tit lady with the udder tits. You'd be the most popular girl there. I think I would. I agree with that they're udders. Tit lady with the udder tits. Yeah. You'd be the most popular girl there. I think I would.

Yeah, I agree with that. That's wonderful. Marcus. Yeah, a little tit belt. But every woman does have a tit they like better than the other one. Is that correct, Jackie? No, that's not true. That's not true at all?

No, no, no. I hit both of them the same. I like to hit my tits. Well, yeah, but you must like one more than the other. How's that sound, Marcus? What's that? Can you hear my tits? Absolutely. yeah, but you must like one more than the other. That's not sound, Marcus. What's that? Can you hear my tits? Absolutely. Loud and clear,

Jackie. They're fun to hit. I know. No, no, no. I don't look at myself when I'm naked. You never look down, right? I don't know. No one looks down when they're naked. When you clean yourself, you gotta look at your body? No, no. I look up. You look up? I've studied my Johnson to the point I could write a

fucking 20-page thesis statement about it. Yeah? What's the opening line? It is not for the girls. It is not for the boys. It is for... It is to be hidden and kept away. It's like the beginning of a horror movie trailer.

I have a run-on sentence, I think. She walked in at 12.05 in the morning from my phone calls. Yeah, it'll be one of those. What? Yeah, I have no idea. It's like Gone Girl. I'm done with it, man. I finished it today. They find her? Spoiler alert.

She's a fucking plant. She's made out of leaves. Typical fern type. And her fucking... Yeah, her pussies fucking. This is great. And it's just so, I'm just so excited to know that everyone listening is enjoying the show so much. What a performance it's been on all of our posts. So Jackie, that's wonderful.

But look at your body naked because you're a beautiful little woman. And I think that you'll get. Little woman? What are you saying with that? Oh my God, I'm just like Joe. little woman. And I think that you'll get. Little woman? What are you saying with that? Oh, my God. I'm just like Joe. That's right. I cut off all my hair.

It's like one true beauty. Women like to be called little. Oh, tiny? Yeah. Not big. No, not tiny. Little women. Tiny.

Like the book. Yeah. What about like tall women? They don't like being called big. No. No woman likes to be called big. Like you big, sexy bitch. Big ass fucking bitch with your big ass.

I think after a little while where they know for a fact that you mean that in an enduring, like I'm going to come immediately kind of way. You cannot call a woman big unless she's down for it. God, I just want, I mean. She's got to call herself big. You can be like give me that big fucking ass if you're like fucking each other and it's already like, you know, hot and everyone's swollen. But other than that. You can't call her big nasty bitch. You could. like fucking each other and it's already like, you know, hot and everyone's swollen. But other than that.

You can't call her big nasty bitch. You could. Get over here, big nasty. You know what? A lot of skinny girls like to be called that. I like calling them like you big sexy growth. God damn it, man. As long as you come, I don't think, what does it matter what you call it?

Yeah. If we're shooting here, fucking, it gives a fucking, call them a fucking basket of fucking bags. Yeah, you big basket of bags, you big fucking growth. You're disgusting, Holden, and the fact that anyone's ever spoken to you is a goddamn miracle. You sewer, you human sewer. That's hot stuff, actually. That's not bad. One more news story.

stuff actually that's not bad one more news story 20 year old walter earl morrison a former airport worker stole a diamond ring worth 150 000 and exchanged it for weed worth 20 dollars he was working with ups at the sky harbor airport in arizona when he stole the ring while loading a cargo onto the plane reporters say walter was thinking the parcel was money when he picked it. Contrary to what he expected, he found out it was a ring. He went to a marijuana seller and collected weed worth $20 in exchange for the ring without knowing the worth of said ring. He accepted stealing the ring when authorities started searching for it and traced it back to him because he was the person that loaded the cargo.

He was able to tell authorities how he exchanged it for weed. The ring was later recovered. Why did he say that he exchanged it for weed? They would have just found the weed, right? How would they have known that he... They called him stealing the ring. No, they just knew that he had supposedly transported the ring, right? Yeah, and he confessed.

He confessed? Yeah, he confessed. He's not the smartest guy. Yeah, obviously not. They're probably like, we know you took the ring. He's like, oh, okay, I did it. You know, like they do the thing where they lie to you. The cops always fucking lie, man.

That's true, yeah. But I say that ring had no real value or the weed does. So it was actually a good deal. Right, I agree. You can't smoke that ring. No, definitely not. Although we'll say, what'll say $120 ring? $150,000.

$150,000 ring? Yes. For a $20 bag of weed? Yes. The man was an idiot. Well, somebody's a brilliant businessman, too. The weed dealer. You know?

No, because he got the weed and got high. The weed dealer got the ring taken back. Yeah. So the weed dealer is in the hole right now. 20 bucks. Did he go to jail for selling weed? He probably went to jail for selling weed as well. The story does not mention the weed dealer.

Where was it from? This was in Arizona. Oh, yeah. I'm surprised there wasn't meth. What? That's crazy. Yeah, 150 grand. Man, that guy had no idea what treasure he was sitting on.

Wow. You got to Google it. Take a picture and Google it. Give it a Google. He works at an airport in Phoenix. He's probably not the smartest man in the world. This guy works for the TSA? No, he works for UPS at the Phoenix airport.

That's great. But he does have like... Clearance, yes. Clearance, yeah. Security clearance. That's great. Who the fuck is sending that like in the mail to? I mean, I don't know.

You should trust the postal service or UPS enough. Never trust them. You never fucking trust them. I barely trust the postal service to mail the last podcast t-shirts that we just sent out. There you go. Last podcast t-shirts. For sale, you go to cavecomedyradio.com slash lastpodcast on the left,

and you can get your very own Last Podcast on the left T-shirt for $25. It might not show up. It might be a $20 bag of weed. Maybe it's a $150,000 ring. Who knows what you're going to get? And I am selling my sex. Go to Holdenators at the fan page. I will sell you some sex.

Are you telling me those shirts cost $25? Are you guys crazy? Yeah, we're going crazy. Those are $50 t-shirts. $50 shirts going for $25. I thought you guys would have given that ring away for a $10 bagel. That's a goddamn fact.

You're telling me I can give you $75 and get a t-shirt? You can give us $153 and get a t-shirt. Are you serious us $153 and get a t-shirt. Are you serious? Absolutely. Those t-shirts are clearly worth $5,000. $5,000. That's how crazy we are.

That's how serious we are about selling t-shirts that we are selling a $200 t-shirt for $25. That's right. And if you call within the next 15 minutes, you can get them for $5. And if you call within the next 15 minutes, you can get them for $5. For that price, you should be locked up and choked to death while your asshole gets fondled. I agree! Roundtable shirts coming soon.

Locked up and with a butthole fondled. Strap down. What would this weekend Jackin' shirt be? My jizz on a shirt? Any random black shirt. Just some old T-shirts of mine that I've used. That's not bad. It's like a Linkin Park shirt that I wipe some jizz up with.

Linkin Park, very hip, man. I would buy a jizz-covered Linkin Park shirt. Oh, who wouldn't? Speaking of fondling buttholes, my girlfriend sent me an article about prostate massagers, and she wants me to get in there with those. Yeah? Well, you better. You better hold on to her any which way you can.

They're all right. You did it? Yeah. Okay. Well, I mean, a prostate massager, it was a butt plug that was shaped like a finger doing the come hither motion. And it vibrated, too. Did it work? was the orgasm

of total flip out was it like better than any orgasm you've ever had fucking insane it was not but i mean it was in addition to like it was a hand job plus the butt plug uh and then when it actually came you know you put on that vibration and man just fucking as you say ripped you up in buckets oh my god yeah and prolonged right it's prolonged or it's like a female orgasm no one And man, just fucking, as you say, buckets. Oh my God. And prolonged, right? It's a prolonged orgasm. It's like a female orgasm. No one wants to hear you talk about anything in regards to your anus holding.

So we'll end that conversation. We're talking about Marcus's anus. Yeah, we're talking about Marcus's anus. I know, but hold it. It's delicious, but I'm not talking about my fucking flap. She doesn't have a prostate. So has cumming been worse for you ever since? No, no, no. There's a lot that goes into putting everything

up the butt. You gotta jimmy it in there. You gotta jimmy it in there and it's uncomfortable while it's in there. I don't like having a thing in my ass. I feel like I got some shit lodged up in there from fucking olden times. You know? Scrape off the walls.

You gotta knock the rust off. You gotta fucking shove an animal in there. golden times you know like so you're gonna scrape off the rock out yeah yeah you gotta find it you gotta knock the rust off man you gotta fucking shove an animal that is so much work to get this crazy orgasm but i mean i guess it is a crazy orgasm it's a lot of work you gotta you gotta stretch it out beforehand you gotta get a lot of lube how long was the oh how long did the oh last i don't know i mean longer than a normal orgasm. I wasn't necessarily counting seconds. Okay, but it wasn't, like, substantially longer. I mean, it wasn't like a minute or anything like that. Yeah, well, that's what I'm looking for.

When did this become a sex advice podcast? This is disgusting. I actually don't want this episode to be released. I am actually disgusted. Ugh. Holden. What kind of piece of shit counts the seconds of his orgasm? One, two, three, two, three, two.

All upset. It's worth it. It's worth it. All right, Holden, you're on a timeout. I was curious. This is fucking disgusting. I'm getting drunk. I came with five Mississippis last night.

Oh, man. Did you do the butt thing? You must have done the butt thing. Good God. Absolutely disgusting and disturbing. I'm just saying, I'm about to go. I'm about to shoot. Bus?

You about to bus? You got bus in you? Oh, my God. All right. Speaking of Holden, did you come up with a segment this week? Absolutely. You didn't tell any of us. I know I didn't because I came up with it during the show.

It's time for a segment from Hold McNeely. Children's Halloween costumes. Marcus is a multi-million dollar owner of a Halloween costume conglomerate called Ricky's. And he's going to put a new Halloween costume out there for all the boys and all the girls. But it's a little kid one. And I'm going to go first. Mine's called the Ben Kissel. You wear stilts and you put a big, flabby, fucking nasty, dateless mask on. A fucking woman-hating mask on of his face and his bad red hair.

Right? And then he puts on a fucking loose shirt. And you actually literally put the loose skin flaps on underneath so you can lift it up and be like, I'm Big Kento! I'm Big Kento! And you see these just loose flaps of skin that you kind of tape onto your body, right? Yeah, yeah. Actually, I think this is a very good Halloween costume. And you take whole cans and you paint them flesh colored and they put the whole cans on.

Right. You know, they walk around. So that's for the kids with the stilts. It'll be great. They'll be like, I'm Big Tall Man. Oh, I'm Big Tall Man. Meet the Asians. Not all kids are retarded.

Right. Right. Well, I kind of disagree with that, Jackie. Great idea, though, Holden. Thank you, Ben. All right, Laker. You fine. Children's.

Garbage even. Well, I'm very successful in a lot of different kind of ways. All right. Chris Laker, children's. Well, I'm very successful in a lot of different kind of ways. All right. Laker, do you feel like you can do this now, or do you need a second? Because I just threw this. To do a children's Halloween costume. Halloween costume. I just threw this fucking wrap on you just a second ago.

Yeah, no. I don't know. Okay. I need a second. We're going to come back to you. Come back to me. Who's ready? Who wants to go now?

Mine's a rat coked up with a cigarette in its mouth. Very good. I love it. I love it. That's so easy and great. Will it be a real cigarette? Yeah, it'll be a real cigarette, but if they light it, you get slapped in the face. Coked up rat with a cigarette.

Yeah, it's got a bunch of coke on its little rat nose, and its eyeballs are all fucking red. It's a wild rat. I like it. Tail's going crazy in the back. I'm worried people would think it was a real rat and shoot it. Whatever. You don't shoot rats.

You poison rats. Yeah, or you step on them to death. You could do that, too. I killed one with a baseball bat once. I killed one with a snow shovel once. You beat it to death. That's how you kill a rat. Fuck yeah.

All right. Well, my idea, I guess, maybe something about a fire extinguisher, maybe. You didn't have to go next. Oh. You could have waited until you got to Europe. He's already going. It's already started. It's already started. It's already started.

It's a fire extinguisher. It's a fire extinguisher costume. Holden's penis is like a fire extinguisher. It's a pendulum. We already talked about this. Yeah. The knob is heavy with blood. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then you poop on it, and it's a gobble. Gobble-um-shum? A ginch. A ginch? A gobble-um-shum? A ginch. A ginch? A gobble-um-shum? So everyone's just got to get out there and it's got to be

nice to Isis. Yeah. So it's a children's fire extinguisher costume that Ben has bestowed upon us. Isis. Just be a little more nice.

Isis. Nice, everybody. Isis. Operation Isis. Yeah, we're going to come, we're going to get him, they're going to come over and we're going to take him to a Petty concert. Tom Petty? Yeah, we're going to come. We're going to get them. They're going to come over and we're going to take them to a Petty concert. Tom Petty?

Yeah, we're going to throw a burger down there. He's on a new album. Yeah, we'll give them a chocolate shake. Nice-as. Be nice-as. Nice-as. Be nice-as. All right, yeah.

So let's see. No, really, in all honesty, maybe a duct tape monster because you have a family and you have a child who's like, I want to be a monster, but then you don't have any money because you work at a McDonald's because that's modern day employment. Even if you're 40 or 50

or 60 years old and even despite the fact that you're trying to make ends meet, duct tape monster, wrap your kid up in duct tape, put some oxygen holes in it, boom. Grim.

Very grim. Yeah. That's a fact. But real. Real. Duct tape monster is a great, it's a. Grim. Very grim. Yeah. That's a fact. But real. Real. Duck Day Monster is a pretty cool monster. It's pretty good. There are a lot of poor losers out there.

Yeah. And they need ideas like these because they don't have them easily because they're idiots. I was at a strip club in Indianapolis yesterday, and there was this one lesbian there that was going nuts, having a blast. She was all by herself. I was happy for her, but sad that she had to live in Indianapolis. Yeah, it's rough. It's rough for them.

All right. What? All right. Laker, do you think you got it? So this is for children, right? For little tiny children. Yeah, little fucking kids. Well, I do.

I spend a lot of time. I go around to the middle schools talking to the kids, you know, so I kind of have. I know. And all the different countries that you visit. Yeah, but I mean, I motivationally speak to these places, tell kids, you know, don't bully and stuff like that. And I know what they're into. I mean, a lot of them do listen to this show.

Yeah. Listen to Roundtable Gentlemen. The tweens. They're big on it. So what great, easy, costume, creative for these kids. It would be the woman that got fucked next to Marcus in the fuck tent. Hey! Put on a wig.

Put some conditioner on the face. That's great. You make your own jizz. Whatever. Maybe you want more like a yogurt style jizz. Rice pudding. I'll go something a little clearer. So, I think that would be my recommendation.

All right. That's fantastic. Woman who got fucked next to me. Yep. At the fuck party. At the finger party. That guy, you know, she took one in the face. That's wonderful.

Lupe. So you know those costumes where it's like a gorilla holding a cage and the person who's wearing the costume is inside the cage? Yes. Yeah. So basically you do the kid is a tub and then Ben is shitting in the tub. Oh. He's got to walk around with Ben. Yeah.

Very Ben-centric. Or we get the Ben out. It's a combo with Holden's outfit. Yeah, you get the Kissel costume. So we both win if you win. And you get the Kissel costume. So we both win if you win. And you get the Kissel costume, add the tub, and we're good to go. Well, you got two friends. One's a stoop.

Yeah. One's a stoop. Yeah. The stoop. One's a tub. And then it's a combo costume pack. And then there's just dookies all over the place. I like it.

Yeah. That's a great idea, Lupe. Jackie. all over the place. I like it. Yeah, that's a great idea, Lupe. Jackie, there is one woman left in this segment. All right, so, you know, a lot of the kids' costumes are trying to portray, like, a positive image with kids' costumes. Of course. So I say, especially I think it will be a big seller

in Texas, you have cowboys, but we have old school cowboys where you get a flotation device put it around the kid and have Pocahontas strapped to it like he's fucking Pocahontas but the kid doesn't realize that he's fucking Pocahontas it's just strapped around him but the kid is also covered in smallpox he has

maize in one hand and in the other hand he has vaccinations for all the kids that aren't being vaccinated. So he's trying to show how scary it is when you fuck a thing and you don't know what it has inside of it and you get a virus. So he's got the vaccination right in his other hand so he can just stick it into any fucking kid that looks sickly. Educational, confusing, and violent. I'm going with Jackie. Oh, what is happening?

Duct tape is technically the cheapest. A Kissel combo pack would have blown minds, but I guess... Coked up rats smoking cigarettes. It's hard for the parents to buy that. That's just because you went first. That's why you didn't... Because if you went later.

He didn't go first. Isn't it fun, Ed, to go first? Yeah, by the way, he didn't go first. I went first. That's why I always lose. No. You always lose because your ideas are yours. Okay.

Bag of Coke. All right. That's great. Marcus, give it to Holden. All right. Yeah, Holden gets it. Hey! I'm only happy because...

I'm sorry, Jackie. You lost. It just happened. Wow. We will rock you. No, never mind. Ed gets it. Ed gets it.

I had the duct tape idea. Yeah, I know, I know. Humbly accept. First of all, he should have said duct tape mummy. He never said duct tape mummy. It wasn't a mummy. It wasn't a mummy. It's not a mummy. It's a duct tape.

Coked out rat. No parent is going to buy that. Jackie. My parents will buy my outfit. You can dress up like whatever you want. All right. Holden was here. Thank you so much for being here, Chris Laker.

Listen to This Week in Jack. Yes, everybody listen to This Week in Jack. It's right here on Cave Comedy Radio. Marcus, give it back to me. You want it back? Yeah. You don't get it back. Marcus, give it back to me.

Jackie gets it back. Yay! You know what back? Yeah. You don't get it back. Marcus, give it back to me. Jackie gets it back. Yay! You know what I'm doing? I'm trumping it all. I'm taking the victory. Ben Kissel wins. Kissel gets it. Kissel gets it.

Hell no. I got it back. I win. Sorry, Jackie. You lost. No. Lupe. You don't want to think Lupe fucking wins.

You're going to fucking lose. Yeah, Lupe wins. Lupe. Lupe wins. All're going to fucking lose. Yeah, Lupe wins. Lupe! Lupe wins. All right. Kiss, run, ring! All right, follow everybody on Twitter. October 5th.

Yeah, people know about it already. Sausage rest, you should plug it one more time. I think it's going to be a rainy day. I really do. Y'all are a piece of shit. I think it's just a day to stay home with your loved ones. Yeah, but here you come. We're going to start at 5 o'clock.

Yeah. All right. We're going to have stand-up upstairs. I thought we were going to do three. Three o'clock, you can come get food. Five o'clock starts the shows. Right. We got stand-up upstairs and live podcast downstairs.

But if it's raining and the back area is closed, it's just not as hard to be there. Then we're going to cancel everything. You're right, Holt. Unbelievable. All right. And also on Thursday, me and Ben got too fat over at the Grand at 9 p.m. We got Matt Wayne, Jordan Temple, Uncle Artie, and Rob Cantrell are on the show. Uncle Artie. You booked him again, huh?

I did. Big mistake. Why didn't you tell me? He killed it. Yeah, he does great. I'm doing my Week of the Creek, October 12th through the 17th. So come to that, too. Everyone's going to be involved. You're doing a whole week? Yeah, a full week. I'm doing my Week of the Creek, October 12th through the 17th, so come to that, too. Everyone's going to be involved.

You're doing a whole week? Yeah, a full week. Oh, no one's coming. Everyone's coming! Freak of the Creek. Ooh. This is so big. Talk to Freak.

Talk to Freak of the Creek. Thank you, Jackie. Join the Facebook page. Yes. At our T of gentlemen. I need to smoke a cigarette. Yeah, everyone's done. Jackieforcigarettes.com.

Oh, my God. That's a great website. October 12th through a cigarette. Yeah, everyone's done. Jackieforcigarettes.com. Oh, my God. That's a great website. October 12th through the 17th. We agree. Me and Jackie have a show called Sex and Other Human Activities. Are you going to do that now? Oh, my God. Eddie has a show called Brighter Side.

It's a great show. Everyone should listen to it. Does he? I was fucking on it this week. I do a show called April Against the Hot Pack. Last podcast on the left. It wasn't as good as when you're on it. I'm better.

See my house team Natscan. They're playing tomorrow night. Boring. That's boring. That is boring.