The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 216: The Trial of the Mystery Pooper

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

This week on the Round Table: the saga of the Mystery Pooper comes to a definitive end, live from the Creek and the Cave during the 1st Annual Cave Comedy Radio Sausage Party!

The round table. Gentlemen, let's broaden our minds. Lay down, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will. It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen, what's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Order in the court! Order in the court!

Order in the court! It is now time for the round table of gentlemen trial of the mystery pooper. I am the Honorable Judge Marcus Parks presiding. You object! You object! Overruled! No way! Please welcome to the stage the round table of gentlemen Ed Larson, Ben Kissel, Jackie Zabrowski, Holden McNeely, and Kevin Barnett Holy Lord, let's spice it up, let's spice it up No, I don't want to spice it up It's spiced up, John Mays

Everyone shut the fuck up That's right Eddie Good moves God damn right Oh my god I know how to fight This god damn lizard culture No son

Stupid fucking egglings Where are my naders at? That's what I call them now Is there one person Who likes holding in this room? Mary you got this? Hold on hold on I got it no worries

I got it over here. Don't worry about it. This is my Rage Against the Machine concert over here. It's getting crazy and it's getting wild. Welcome to the round table of gentlemen, everybody. There was a situation. That's Ed Larson. How you doing?

Jackie's the brown. We're not sitting in the right seats. No, we're not. This is confusing. We're throwing it around. I don't like this at all. I like to be next to Jackie. I love my Jackie.

Please get me out of this hell. Come closer to me, Jackie. He can't squirt on you if he's next to Kevin. I can smell her breasts. Are you kidding me? Her breasts smell wonderful and everybody loves them. Like old mustard.

Yeah, yeah. At least it's spicy, though. It old mustard. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I've heard that about it. At least it's spicy, though. It's spicy that spits it. And it's European because the French put their fries in mustard. Never fucking the French or everywhere near my fucking breasts.

Marcus. Marcus is trying to drum and play the computer. You've got to use your fingers when you do the keypad. I know where the fingers go. I know where the fingers go, Eddie. I feel like everything you've done since you've been up here is completely unnecessary.

That's what I agree with Kevin. And the crowd says, if they're drunker in real life than they are on the podcast. And this is what it is. I have a girlfriend. We know. We know.

And you know what? And she's a prime suspect in this whole fucking shindig. She's the one who found the dookies. I think she did it. You were not supposed to say that. You never want to get speed. You're pissed off at me.

I want a divorce. You're not married, Holden, and I hope she did do it. That's hot stuff and it's steamy. Alright, Kevin Burnett, you're also here. I'm here, man. That's great. And so, for the most part, you're clean. No one suspects you whatsoever.

Oh, I've got nothing to do with shitting in that tub, man. I don't agree with it at all. In fact, the fact that Holden thinks that Lexi did it and he's still with her is a concern for me because it's like, where are your boundaries, man. I don't agree with it at all. In fact, the fact that Holden thinks that Lexi did it and he's still with her is a concern for me because it's like, where are your boundaries, man? I agree. This is someone you're close to.

You know, you're never trying to lick a plain tortilla. It's always nice if there's some steak on there. And that's how I feel about women's buttholes. You want to just lick a tortilla that just has only steak on it. You don't's buttholes. You want to just lick a tortilla that just has only steak on it. You don't want to eat it. You want to lick it.

No, I want to lick a tortilla that has steak on it. I don't want to... And for the same reason, I don't want to lick a butthole that doesn't have poop on it. Alright, and we... Let's do a recap real quick. Let's just... Alright, finish it up. Finish it up.

The poopy tortilla. That the... All right, Ben, finish it up. Finish it up. The poopy tortilla. That would be refried beans. Listen, we're in the middle of a fucking trial here. And it's just like you guys are acting like you've never been to a trial before. Right. And... Ed Larson is drunk.

Ed's drunk. You're drunk. Jackie's drunk. I like meat! So we're going to get to the facts. We're going to do a recap of everything that's been going on in the trial here. Marcus, we're going to get to the facts. We're going to do a recap of everything that's been going on in the trial here. Marcus, you're going to help us out, right, buddy?

Absolutely. So what the trial of the mystery pooper is actually all about, in case people out there aren't roundtable gentlemen listeners. A few months ago, one day, Lexi, Holden's girlfriend. Right there. right there. Right there. She is here. Right there, Lexi. Stand, rise.

My beloved girlfriend. You're injured. She's injured. She got pushed down a flight of stairs. Possibly. By a Holden or a ghost or a bunch of goo, which could have came from Holden. Usually Holden. She fell on her own accord.

Whatever it was. It was a Honda and it was from 97. It's a shit joke. It was, but it got a good laugh, so I don't know what you want from me.

It's a terrible joke. It's how you tell it and how fast you do it. You know what? It doesn't even have to be good. That's what I rely on. I feel like I'm in 1992. You know,

it's like that guy who makes the joke at the beginning of the movie in the movie theater and everybody laughs and then he's going to keep making shitty jokes after that. Don't encourage him. No, no, no, no. Anyone who's good at that gets out

on a good joke. You get one out and everyone laughs, hit the road. Well, you've kept on talking so you proved yourself wrong. Alright. What's happened here it's a very interesting situation Yes

Holden and I, we live together And there was a person who shat the tub And no one knows who did it Mike is sitting behind Lexi, Holden's girlfriend Who was also in the area of the random pooping And who maybe shit the tub Who maybe shit the tub He didn't shit the tubing. Maybe shit the tub? Who maybe shit the tub? He didn't shit the tub.

I think he shit the tub. I think so, too. All right. I think him and Lexi did it together. Oh, well. While they were cheating on me. Wow. How about that?

Good for you, Lexi. It would make a lot of sense. That's the thing. I don't understand how this relationship has lasted or how it started. I imagine when you asked her to start dating you, her response was, all right, fine. It kind of was. I had to wear her down.

You wouldn't leave me the fuck alone. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She used to be gay, and that's how annoying Holden is. Say it like it's a joke. You had a better life before this. Your life was better. That is true. Lexi used to have sex with only women.

Beautiful women. Beautiful. The best of all of them. We all lost them because she was scooping them up. Lexi used to have sex with women. I think Kissel shit in the tub. Everybody else? Yeah.

Thank you. Thank you. Of course Kissel shit in the tub. You said you were dog sitting at the time, correct? I was dog sitting and I was also banging abroad. You were banging abroad? Who was the broad? It was a woman.

He won't say. Who's the woman? You need an alibi. He won't say. This whole banging abroad thing is a new thing. We've never heard this before. Am I right, jury? Correct.

Yeah, you hear that? Sustained. All right. Here's the deal. Chits it? What's that? Sustained. Thank you.

No, Ed is sustained. So that helps me. You're out of order, Ben. I've done nothing. What am I out of order for? You're drunk. Who's the girl, Ben? Who's the girl?

The girl I was having inner love with? Yeah, inner love. You have to say her, or else you are number one suspect. I literally would get, well, no, it was a woman. Wow. Yeah.

I always loved to call her, my nickname for it was a woman. Wow. Yeah. I always loved to call her. My nickname for her was Number 11. And I loved her. And I loved her so much. Oh, she was sweet with the thing. I love my beautiful Lexi. I call her by her name. What is that?

Lexi. Lexi, that's right. Alexis Robbins lives in Astoria, Queens. Her address is 5285 47th Avenue. Why is it making that part? Is that true, Lexi? Is that your address? I don't believe you.

I do not know her address. So we know for a fact that Holden McNeely has officially been caught lying at least once. Marcus, who was lying, Lexi or Holden? Ben. Oh! All right. Lying at least once. Marcus, who was lying? Lexi or Holden? Ben. Oh! All right. Can we put somebody on the stand?

Can we just get into this? Can we have Mike, the roommate? Would you come up here, buddy? Please, Mike. Mike, the roommate. The bench calls Mike to the stand. I'm still wondering if we explained what happened to the crowd. You did not. Okay.

Mike, you're the only one wearing Ole Miss I just got back from Oxford. I was down there for the Ole Miss Alabama game. Explain what happened. Well, I was there for a matter of 30 minutes, 40 minutes. 30 minutes inside the apartment. 30 minutes inside the apartment.

I ran to Holden. We exchanged a few words. I then took aen. We exchanged a few words. I then took a shower. I took a shit. You're leaving that out. I took a dump and then left. Holden did take a fiery dump right before I got in the shower. That's the only way Holden knows how to poop.

Fiery. Yes. And it always is. I always say, what's going on in there? Is he playing Mortal Kombat? You don't want to know. It's just a poop. He is addicted to his Nintendo game system, though.

Oh, Holden's a disgusting man-child. So I let it air out for a little bit. No, that is. Overruled! Thank you. Thank you, Marcus. You're finally on the side of freedom. That's good.

So, yeah, so I let it air out for a little bit. you're finally on the side of freedom that's good so yeah so I let it air out for a little bit and then went in and took a shower where there was no shit in the tub at this point no shit in the tub when you took a shower I think I would have seen it and probably would have addressed the issue

at that time how can you see shit if you have eyes in the front of your head but the poop comes out from the back? Yeah, but the poop allegedly was on the front right corner of the tub. So the poop was allegedly in the front right corner of the tub, so you wouldn't see it unless

that maybe, possibly that the shower curtain was over the poop and you did not see it. You're leading the witness. I'm not leading the witness. I'm asking a question. Marcus, can you not agree with me? He is obese. Sustained. Ed Larson is fat.

Ladies and gentlemen, if there is a member of this... Objection. I am also fat. Great. I just don't understand why Marcus has any legal authority in any of this. He's sitting at a drum set, man. It's a different kind of courtroom, Kevin. Overall!

Okay. Okay. And so you also recently, your girlfriend was over, or it was the day before she left town before your... Ex-girlfriend. Ex-girlfriend. She left him. She left him what?

This week, right? Conveniently. Conveniently. Conveniently the week of the trial. Conveniently the week of the trial. Conveniently the week of the trial. Okay, Eddie, sit down. I can't believe he just told all this. It's not even a scab yet, man.

Good God. What happened was this. Eddie is a fat asshole. I quit. I'm out of here. Okay, no, Mike, don't leave. You should be. Mike, get out of here. We're going to air more of your quit. I'm out of here. Okay, no, Mike, don't leave. You should be. Mike, get out of here.

We're going to air more of your dirty laundry. Do not leave, Mike. Eddie was just saying that it's possible that Mike shat the tub. No, no, no, that Mike's ex-girlfriend shat the tub. That his ex-girlfriend, right. That Mike's ex-girlfriend shat the tub because Mike had his heart broken this week when his girlfriend broke up with him. So weeks earlier she shed the tub.

She planned this two months ago. She was gone for four weeks. Mike's ex-girlfriend was gone for four weeks and Mike spoke on the seven weeks and he spoke on the phone with her for an hour every single night.

Every single moment that she wanted to talk to him. It was painful. Order in the court. Order in the court. What I'm saying is battering the witness. I'm not battering the witness.

Order in the court. No. Mike was in love with this woman, and he would never love again. But what happened... Ben, I'm about to hold you in contempt. Hold him in contempt, please. She was beautiful, Marcus. She was beautiful.

Sustained. Attica. Order in the court. Order in the court. It was beautiful. Attica. Attica. Order in the car. Don't chant. Order in the car. Don't chant with him. This is awful. You're being bad, and I'm the last person to say that.

Well, either way, she's innocent. She's innocent. Well, I just want to say this to summarize real quick. After he got out of the shower he left Lexi went to go take a shower took her breasts out got in the shower

and found and found that her foot was in shit alright but let's let me just say this right now Mike is known

I'm just saying because I'm going to do it there's a poopy Mike is known to have kind of a rough diet eats a lot of pizza drinks a lot of beer

so I'm thinking Mike's like oh time to step out of the rough diet. He eats a lot of pizza, drinks a lot of beer. So I'm thinking Mike's like, oh, time to step out of the shower now. This will be a feat. And then steps up, feels a wiggle down there, feels a little something alien. Oh, and, you know, something dropped out of it. No, no, no, no, no. Mystery pup. It was definitely someone was sitting on the side of that fucking tub. It is down the side of that fucking tub. It is down the side of the fucking tub.

You know who had just drunkenly fallen down the stairs and hurt his knee really bad? Mike. Over here with the girlfriend that just recently left him. That's amazing. Right before it. Mike injured his man. He would not have been able to sit on the side of the tub to shit if his knee was hurt. I literally could not bend my knee to any degree.

I'm saying he has a very sad life. Well, maybe that's why she broke up with you, because she knows you can never propose to her. That would be great. Now, Mike did you Is it possible that maybe when you left At what time What did we say it was like 1245 1250

Is it possible that maybe when you left You didn't lock the door I mean that is possible That is possible Do you always lock the door Have you forgotten another time before I've never forgotten another time, but at that time I was late for something, so I was in a rush.

I knew someone else was in the apartment at that time. I figured it... I'm just trying to get out the door. Who was in the apartment at that time? I want to thank you, Mike. Mike, I'm done with this guy, Marcus. Please, if you're a lady, talk to Mike after the show.

He is crushingly single. Oh, my God. And infinitely horny. Don't say that, Mike. He's not horny. He doesn't want anything to do with your fucking weak pussies. And I'll tell you one thing. That gets him coming like they're goddamn starving

bears. They wish they could take Mike. Oh, absolutely they do. He has, I will say, I've looked at it while he was sleeping. He's got a horn down there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you say compared to your own?

Oh, it destroys mine. Destroys yours. Oh, if they were in a karate tournament together, mine would be broken in half on the weight of his. Yep, I've heard that, and I just visualized it, and I believe it. I'll tell you, Mike is one of the strongest dongs around, and he's very

wealthy, and he comes from a very successful family. If I were a straight woman, I'd pay fucking $1,000 just to touch my nose against it. It's true. I believe that's true. I did pay $1,000 for that, and it was worth it. It was worth it. we have some actual testimonials alright

hold it for that oh wow can we bring up hold it eat it let's get it together thank you Marcus is that all that's all you're going to say I literally just saw that. No. Pour in the car. Thank you, Marcus.

Is that all? That's all you're going to say? That's it. Okay, so now Mike has come and gone from the apartment. The poop is currently there theoretically anyway. Holden, you're the only one. I've already left. He's already gone. I took a shit, and then Mike took a shower, and then Lexi.

Lexi discovered the poop. Lexi, your own girlfriend. Lexi, would you like to take the stand? Please, and then Lexi. Lexi discovered the truth. Lexi, your own girlfriend. Lexi, would you like to take the stand? Please. Please, Lexi. Ladies and gentlemen, the guilty Lexi. Miss Alexis Robbins, the sensual. Please.

She needs a beer. Please, drink. She does, because it's not easy to lie to a group of people unless you're intoxicated. That makes it more difficult. What's that? That makes it more difficult. All right. Drunk court. So, Lexi, number one makes it more difficult. All right. Trunk court.

So, Lexi, number one, it's obvious you don't make good life decisions. Why would you? So much evidence. Explain the day. Explain the day. You're taking a shower because Holden theoretically. So you need to bathe. And so you go to our shower.

I may or may not have slipped her the friend that morning but I can't tell you for sure. You didn't. No. Hell yeah. Fuck Holden. Long live Lexi. Yeah. I just feel like if you're, if you're, it's like if fucking Kramer just kept on trying to go into Seinfeld's apartment, but the door was locked.

That's your pussy. And he's Kramer. Yeah. Yeah, that's accurate. All right, so you stepped in the Dukes. Yeah, I did. All right, and how big was the Dukes? Show us by your fingers.

It's about like this. Can everyone see that? Hold it up high. Hold it up high. Yeah, I did. And how big was the Dukes? Show us by your fingers. It's about like this. Can everyone see that? Hold it up high. Please, ma'am. It's a large Dukie. Oh, that's right. She's recently been injured this past week because maybe someone knew that she was

going to be on trial. I was in the other room. You were in the other room? Was he in the other room? Who was not in the other room. You were in the other room? Was he in the other room? Who was not in the other room? Jackie. Jackie? It doesn't matter that she fell while she was eating food walking downstairs. That's not what we're on trial for here right now.

I know, but it's very convenient that maybe Holden did it. That is objection. That is not what we're on trial right here. It doesn't matter. Just because Eddie is sweating doesn't mean he's saying anything that makes sense. Anytime people are falling, dude, you're leaving your grease everywhere, man. It's unsafe. People fall on that shit all the time.

It's probably on their shoes. So anyway, for those who don't understand, there is a severe situation, and there was an actual poop. And so, Lexi, you stepped in it. I did. And how did the poop feel going through your toes? Was it chunky? Was there fingernail in it? Did it make you feel like a lesbian again?

Well, you didn't notice until the smell. Is that not correct, Alexis? Let her answer. I smelled something terrible, but I just assumed it was... Holden was home. Yeah. It was my dukers. Sure.

And so I stepped in the shower and then I looked down, noticed I had stepped in a pile of poo and it was also sort of on the side there of the tub. But it was moist. It was very very wet. So fresh poo.

Could it have been like pudding maybe? No, it was poo. It was definitely, very wet. So fresh poo. Could it have been like pudding maybe? No, it was poo. It was definitely poo? It didn't smell like pudding. Oh, so it had an odor. Oh, big time. Okay, was it really stinky? Super stinky.

It was very fresh smelling. Fresh? It was very fresh. Wow. And what time was this again? It was around 4 o'clock. Around 4 o'clock. So that's three hours after Mike had left the bathroom

and no one else has been in the house. He's a fresh duke. Yes. In the tub. It's around 4 o'clock. Around 4 o'clock. So that's three hours after Mike had left the bathroom and no one else has been in the house. He's a fresh duke. Yes. In the tub. It's true. Three hours have gone by. Could it have been you? No.

Are you sure? Positive. Now what if you're shaving your legs on the side and you got them up like this? He's using my theory. This is my theory. This is Jackie's theory. All right, well, let's have Jackie explain it.

Do you want to go for it? Whoa. I would love it if you did it. I mean, I have since forth exonerated Lexi from my eye of negotiations. The jury deserves to know the theory. I don't know. I'm not fucking, I'm not Benson. All right, I'm not an SVU.

All right. I don't know the word. So her legs, she's sitting on the side of the tub, and her legs are sitting in there real past the drain. All right? And she's got to shave her legs just like that. She's leaning over. What if her asshole's kind of shooting out?

She bends a little too much. One of her assholes. What if her asshole. Oh. She said one of her many assholes. Well, we don't know how many she's had unless she shows me. What if her Wonderful little butt is just kind of shooting out

the bottom there, and she bends over too much, and it's a little too much for her because, you know, she's, you know... Exertion. Exertion? Marcus, shut Eddie up. But it's that she shit. No. Okay. Now, that was good. That was succinct. Thank you, Edward. Thank you.

I swear to God, you guys think this is not an official trial, but this is every trial in South Africa. And this is the Blade Runner who got away with murdering his girlfriend. Oh, man, that guy. Also in the bathroom. Sustained.

That at the end of the day, that this honestly did happen. We do not know who shit in their tub. I don't know, man. There was a fresh duke in the tub. All right. The time stamp to me screams Lexi. And I think this may have been,

maybe it's a reflex thing. Maybe it was like, you know, people black out in a rage and their body takes over. They don't know what's happening. Maybe it was like your mind was thinking one thing, but your body was like, I shouldn't be here. She would have murdered Holden years ago if she was capable of that. I don't know, man.

That's true. I think I'm going with the raccoon defense. The raccoon defense? A raccoon crept through the open window. Kevin, how do you feel about this? There is no fucking raccoon, man. What the fuck are you talking about? Show a picture of a raccoon dookie, please, Marcus.

Show the audience. That would be Mary. Mary, please. Listen, I can tell you right now, I've never seen a raccoon dookie in my life, but if I saw one, I would know it immediately. There you go. Much like Katja.

That looks very humanistic. That looks very familiar. That looks like what was on the side of the tub. Thank you. Thank you. I want to ask you this, Lexi. Did you feel heavier going into the shower than you did coming out? Because sometimes when I take a big dump, I feel like, ooh, I just did sit-ups.

Ew. But I never do them. It wasn't that big of a poo No and again she saw the poo Immediately upon entering the shower Mike was the one Who left the shower without seeing a poo And I think it might have been possible

With his hurt knee and everything That he wasn't really able to work the downstairs very well Did not see the poo That was left by me I'm just throwing it out there stairs very well, did not see the poo that was left by me. Whoa! I'm just throwing it out there. I took a big dump right before I...

It is possible that Holden did shit the tub. He's growing it in places he never knew he could grow. And I never like to finish. I always like to keep a little in there. So I might have stood up, wiped, let out a little bit more accidentally into the tub, ate a McDonald's hamburger, called my mother before I even left the bathroom.

Called my mother while I was shitting, Ben. I called her and I took a fucking dumpy dump, Ben. You idiot. I'm so glad I don't live there. Lexi, how does that make you feel? Turned on. That's why she's with us. There is one more theory out there.

There is the stranger theory. The stranger theory is that, as Mike said, he was in a hurry when he was leaving the house, so he may not have locked the door. The stranger theory is that somebody, possibly a Chinese food delivery man. Probably. Most likely.

Most likely a Chinese food delivery man. Because all we do is order Mexican. Which is so great. It is possible that it was a delivery person. I don't think it was a stranger, man. It was too shattered and shitty for a Japanese one to have done it.

It was definitely a Chinese food delivery man. Can you look us up, Mary, a picture of a Japanese man's dookie? Well, I'm sure you can find that on a woman's chest. Lexi, I feel like we need to be done with you. Okay, yeah, please. So, what has happened to you after you stepped in Dookie? How has your life changed?

Did Holden push you down the stairs? Just so we can understand the severity of the crime. There you go. That's jerky. That's not Dookie, Mary. How do you feel right now, Lexi, getting into a shower? Are you constantly worried there's Dookie in the shower? I have slippery foot syndrome.

That's what I've been... She's as worried as I am horny. That's great. And that's possibly... I fall downstairs. Yeah? It's because of the poop. It's all poop-related.

Can I let this be on the record that my penis has a pouch like a kangaroo has? No, you don't want that. Let the record show that Holden McNeely has a penis pouch. All right, Lex No, you don't want that. Let the record show that Holden McNeely has a penis pouch. All right, Lexi, everybody.

Holden's fucking... Stenographer, stop! ...seem to be... Thank you. ...a single girlfriend, hopefully. Thank you, Lexi. You may leave the stand. We are in love!

Sit down, my love! So what if, like, all right. And so going into your apartment building, you're the first door on the right. And so apartment building, you're the first door on the right. And so we know that you're the first door on the right. And what if someone did, what if it was a stranger? And they're like, they're going in, they got to shit real bad. Of course it's going to be your apartment that they choose.

No, but a stranger wouldn't do that, man. That's the problem. If you're about to shit your pants. No, if a stranger's going to break into somebody's house, they're not going to fucking shit in the tub. If people did that, then the world would be chaos, man. That's what I'm fucking... If a stranger's going to break all the way into someone's house and go into their bathroom...

That's what I'm saying, man. They didn't break in. The door was unlocked. They tried the knob. If a stranger was fucking shitting in people's tubs just like that, then people would be getting pushed into the tracks every day. It'd be fucking chaos. 51 deaths last year. 51. You've seen the poster. 51 deaths last year. 51.

You've seen the poster. 51 deaths. How did that happen? That's one a week. Not 5,100. Exactly what I'm saying. It could be happening every single day. I'm saying lots of people are crazy. Lots of strains of crazy. The world would be I said it already. So it's chaos. I mean, I think it could also be a very

nice blessing from an elderly Catholic. Every time you're shitting a chub, an angel gets their way. I could tell you right now. You know, that could work, too. This entire time, I've been wishing I did it, man. Oh, Lord, God. I would be the coolest dude on the entire planet. For me to sneak in your house, take a shit in your tub.

Well, it would be racist for her not to like it. And you're a known prankster. Oh, yeah, yeah. You once convinced a man that he was gay for a year, and he licked a dick. Two years you did. Two years. Ladies and gentlemen, for those that haven't heard this story,

Mr. Kevin Barnett is deceptive, and he's a little bit of a goddamn mind creep. Yeah. You convinced a straight man who was homophobic that he was gay. So what is stopping you? Because, Barnett, you licked his balls, right? No, what?

Barnett licked his balls. That is a fact. The dude was a very... He was a very homophobic dude, and he blacked out one night, and we convinced him that he licked the dude's dick off him for no reason. And for two years, he dealt with that.

He went to therapy, right? Yeah, he went to therapy. He did go to therapy, which all of us have had to do because of Mystery Pooper. There's no doubt about that. You are deceptive. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I wish I did it. Alright, so you live in Williamsburg, a very nice part of Williamsburg. Could have been the

landlord paying someone to sneak in there giving them the key. Trying to run us out. Trying to run you out. Maybe he paid a raccoon to do it. Maybe he paid a raccoon to do it. Maybe he paid a human. Maybe he paid me to do it. Maybe he paid a human. Maybe he paid me to do it. What? I think we should go to some definitive evidence. I think we're going to have to go to

closing arguments right now. Closing arguments? What are those? I don't understand. Does that mean it's the end or are we just starting? Closing arguments. That means that everybody says, we go through, everybody on the round table, and you tell me who you think did it. And then at the end, I'm going to make a definitive judgment.

I mean, it's the perfect crime. No one's been able to tell. No one's been able to know. I mean, we've been talking about it for months. All of you are clueless. All of us are clueless. All of us are clueless. I don't even know where I am right now. Exactly. Only one person

could be responsible. There's only one man who can have this much creative genius to pull off this three-time roundtable of the year. Mr. Michael Che Is definitely The mystery pooper

That's what I say Michael Che One for Michael Che Is Michael Che still here? No he left He left He definitely left Because he had a beautiful woman have sex with him.

Yes. Well, I'm sure that he had some person beautiful to have sex with. I don't want to tell you this. Oh, to be a three-time roundtable of the year. The joys of your life. What happens after that? It's been nice to have been nominated three times. My life has improved so much.

He's got it all, man. I was hanging out with him the other day. He showed me this shit. Some girl he was hooking up with cut him off. And then a week later she was taking one of them BuzzFeed quizzes or whatever about who she should date, who she should be with. And at the end it said,

you should be with a funny man. And the picture was a picture of him should be with a funny man. And the picture was a picture of him. It was a picture of Michael Che. Which is true. I actually had a couple of girls send that same thing to me, a picture of him. That is true. Michael Che is the face of humor.

He's got everything. That's amazing. That's the dream. That is it. And well Well deserved What are your closing Arguments Ben Kissel

I was gonna say How he's gay and stuff And how no woman Should even try to have sex With him You can't It's not gonna work Nope

Objection Well it doesn't matter Sustain Who do I think Shat my tub I mean it very well It's probably you Who here thinks it? I mean, very well, it's probably you. Who here thinks it was Ben?

A lot of people think it's... A good amount. It's fantastic. Oh, you guys, calm down. Calm down, please. It wasn't me. I haven't shat in a year. I'm on a new diet.

What's that? He's just so cute he is I am not listening to you whatsoever no and no one should be oh I'll tell you if a girl goes on a date based on that buzzfeed thing she's going to be real surprised when she sees I'm white

because he is black and uh who was it come on why did we lose you there's a momentum to a show He is black. Who was it, Ben? Who was it, man? Come on. What happened? Why did we lose you? There's a momentum to a show. Order in the court.

Order in the court. The joke was about how he's the funniest. Order in the court. I'm all white. I'm too close to you right now. Just fucking say what you have to say. All right. All right. All right.

Who done it? It's a who did it. It's a poo done it. You can say poo done it. That's a joke. Say it right. A poo done it. Who did it?

Let's see here. I want to say it's Lexi only because it makes me aroused. And I wish I was her foot. You know, if I could go and replace any body part on the face of the planet, my face would be her foot. While she's dead from that shit.

You know, the court of public opinion didn't convict OJ, so I feel just fine. All y'all are racist, and if the glove doesn't fit, my hand's a little large. Jackie, closing arguments. I think I'm going to flip the switch here. I've been thinking about this a lot. I have accused many a person, including Nazi Ben Kissel. many a person, including Nazi Ben Kissel.

But I think something that we haven't been thinking about is a group, is a band group that we all know that has a song that is entitled Girls Poop 2.

And I believe that their names are Katie and Marie, and they are a part of the Reformed Horse. Wow. The Reformed Horse, former roundtable guests. And they have been on the roundtable. They are here with us tonight, and I think it's very suspicious that they're here.

They're not on anything. I wonder why they're here to watch what we're all fucking talking about. I mean, Jordan Temple's here. He's a known criminal. Well, definitely. He is. Don't give him a gun. That's a known criminal. Well, definitely. Don't give him a gun. That's for fucking sure.

Well, don't give anyone a gun. I mean, unless you want it, then you just take it and have a good time. I think it would just be really great publicity for their song and for their little tour that they have with Les Claypool to shit and hold and make nearly a gun. You know what's close to a pool?

A poo? I'll tell you what, you take the L off of Les Claypool, you got Les Claypoo. It would be Es Claypoo. It would be Es Claypoo. Jesus, why didn't I think of this before? It makes so much sense.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I could see Marie back there, as you said, they're both back there, just like, yeah, we shat in a nigga's tub. Yeah, man. I could see them saying it

and that's the thing that's the most perfect time for you to say the word niggas when you shat in somebody's tub it never makes more sense than that in that moment I just want to let them know you could have shat in my bed

that would have been great hot stuff when did hot stuff become your trademark by the way you said hot stuff 20 times hot stuff you've been saying hot stuff become your trademark, by the way? He's been saying hot stuff forever. I know, I know.

It's just like now it's been a lot more lately. Australian's hot stuff. I mean, it is. All right, we got Jackie. Kevin, what do you think? I mean, I've already said it, man. Can we trust the reformed whores? I don't think we can.

They call themselves whores. They are whores. They're not reformed. They're shitting in people's tubs. Change the name. Wow, so that's the only person that has two. Wow. Two votes. So I like gummy bears.

I like hot dogs. Oh, Jesus. No, we lost. I think it's my turn to speak. And I'd like to say I like hot dogs. Oh, Jesus. No, we lost it. I think it's my turn to speak, and I'd like to say a couple of things. Objection. My thoughts. My thoughts. Overruled.

Overruled. Let the lizard speak. Pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy. Pussy. Pussy. Fucking pussy. Pussy. Just let him. Holden, say something. Raccoon did it.

All right. Raccoon did it. The raccoon did it. All right. Now that I have heard all of the evidence that has been given here by all the people on stage, I must now introduce new evidence! What? What?

I don't like it. New evidence. I received an email today from Los Angeles, California. Mary, if you would please give the new evidence! Don't cheer for that. You fucking kidding?

Picture of him. And, Mary, please. Play. He's a fucking asshole. Yeah, he's lost weight. He looks great. I did it. What are you going to do about it?

I'm here. It's 87 degrees here in beautiful Los Angeles, California. Living in a lap of luxury. And I shouldn't have talked. I did it to show dominance. I don't know. Years, I'm shitting in that toilet. Years. Going to that bathroom, right? Yes, I developed a reputation that as soon as the meeting started or as soon as i arrived into that apartment i had to take a shit because guess what i did i did because i have a busy life so i've been working hard and sometimes i don't have time to stop at a barnes and noble

or a target or uh fucking steps of a library like a homeless person does they're going to take a shit i have to take shit of your. Because it's a fucking toilet. Because it's a bathroom where you take a shit in it. Right? And it's appropriate to take a shit in it. How much guff I got. So, what I did is that I took

a runny shit in a Ziploc bag. I gave it to one of my many assistants, Warner Brothers. Happy to do as I please. Worship the ground I walk upon because of the value I have to them. Right?

And they went, they found a Chinese man who had nothing fucking better to do. And he pedaled his way from Los Angeles to New York by holding one of them big carts right and he was dragging a fucking family attached to the back of it because that's the only way they travel right he comes to New York he poses as a Chinese delivery man which was easy for him he comes in the house

he hid in the basement where those two dead woman used to be you remember that you remember that story and down in the basement of a whole department building used to be a dead woman he stayed there for days do you watch you fucking drunkenly stumble out of there you and kissel and he broke in to your house i mean because what happens with chinese people is that they can flatten their fucking bones. And so he flattened his bones and crawled underneath the door. And he went to the bathroom and he just fucking put my shit all over that bathroom. And that's the story. That's your fucking mystery there.

How does it feel? I feel satisfied. Because I already took my shit. And now I'm going to go take another shit. Because I can. The first thing I'm going to do is drink that bottle of wine over there. Hollywood problems. Henry Zebrowski.

See you, fuckers. Henry Zebrowski. Oh, my God. Henry Zebrowski. Guilty. All right. I'm a mystery poop. Oh, my goodness.

I still think it was Ben. Oh, well, that is fine. The judge has ruled that it was Henry. And he's not in his area code, so he's not going to have to serve prison time, which is so great. All right, you big, fat, dumb shit. Kevin, Jackie, Holt.

Holtnators, ho! Mr. Marcus, thank you guys so much for coming out to Sausage Fest. I guess it's 2014. Is that still the year? Yeah, this is still the year of 2014. Coming up right next, it's in like 10 minutes, we're going to have the Cowmen, they're going to do a full set

right here. So please stick around, guys, we're going to fucking party all night. Alright. Let's all exchange numbers and fuck later.