The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 217: Butts n' Guts

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

This week on Round Table: a woman in Spain gets pregnant by a dwarf stripper at her bachelorette party, a rapper in Phoenix tries to take a dump on stage amidst booing, and a boy in Italy has his internal organs damaged after compressed air is shot into his rectum. Joining us today: Mookie Thompson and Walter Replogle!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds. Lay down, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Who's playing today, Marcus? I have no idea. I don't either. No way. I think it's Marcus. No, it's not me. I didn't go last week. Well, we did the trial

last week. We did the trial. You did, Ed. I did? So it's Marcus. What did I pray about? I don't know. Me. Your fucking hat. Oh, I know. It is you, Marcus. That was one of the worst prayers we've ever had. That was a great prayer. That was a great prayer.

People were talking about it. People drew a picture about it. Yeah, but they didn't like it, though. No, they loved it. Why would you draw something that you didn't like? Oh, why did Picasso paint women? He didn't like them. Yes, he did.

Yeah, he did. He loved him. Yeah, that's a terrible example. I mean, I'm sure you could have found an example. Why do people paint... And Getty. Why do Christian people paint pictures of Satan? That'd be a good one.

I don't think they do. Yeah. Yeah think they do. Yeah, they do. I got a whole book. Why is everybody saying shit that's just wrong? No one said anything wrong yet. Except for you. What did I say?

And Jackie. I don't know. Whatever it was. I didn't fucking say nothing. You are fat, Mookie. Mookie's on the show. Mookie's great. You're big. You got big.

He got giant. No, he's not. There's no room in the room because of him. Dear God, please. We're very worried about our friend Mookie. His weight problem is getting rapidly out of control. I think that it might be time for him to see a nutritionist or possibly a personal trainer. Maybe you guys can give me some advice.

Cut out carbs. Be a personal trainer. Maybe you guys can give me some advice. Cut out cards. Be a better person. Be good to our friend Mookie, for he knows not what he does. Amen. Amen. Welcome to the roundtable of gentlemen, everybody. That was a very nice prayer from Marcus Parks. To Mookie losing weight.

Oh, my God. And if you're out there, if you want to draw a picture of what you think Mookie looks like, please make that picture as fat as possible because he's huge. Go buy more paper. Oh, my God. Absolutely. He is not a 12 by 8 inch kind of drawing. You really need to get a full, what do you call that?

Poster board. Yeah, poster board. Get some poster board and then you can get half of them. The trifold thing that you used to do the science fair projects on. Get some poster board and then you can get half of them. The trifold thing that you used to do the science fair projects on? Get one of them. And that's just for his head. Yeah, I mean, he has gotten fat. But anyway, we're not here to talk about how...

He's fat as fuck, man. Hold it, we're not here to talk about how... He is, though. I'm saying this, like, don't skip Thanksgiving this year, man, for your own good. I need this, guys. Thank you. We are not here to talk about how Mookie has gotten very fat Jesus Christ ok stop talking about how Mookie is so fat

we all know Mookie is overweight and that's not what the podcast is about today and this is coming from a dude who got big over the last couple years I got fat in front of my friends very eyes don't do that to them they hate it sad to watch they hate that shit man I thought I found it hilarious yeah Ed hate it. It's sad to watch. They hate that shit, man.

I thought I found it hilarious. Yeah. Ed loves it, but that's because Ed's fucking ass could fill up a goddamn fucking, I don't know, any room. Anything you want. Dog house. I can't even take baths anymore. That's right.

It's just like a guy getting water splashed on him because I fill up the entire tub. Exactly. It's sad. There's something that makes you fatter than a tub, though. It makes me feel very fat every time I get in a tub. Can't fit in a tub. There's no room for water fatter than a tub, though. I mean, it makes me feel very fat every time I get in a tub. Can't fit in a tub. There's no room for water. Don't fill it up before you get in. Definitely not.

It's going to flood the downstairs neighbors. Take Ed's example. In order to take a shower, he has to set his house on fire and call the fireman over to fucking shoot him with the big hoe. You know how hard it is to get covered in soap dry waiting for firemen? Right.

So, Mookie, this episode is called Scared Skinny. And I hope that you understand what your future entails if you continue on your way. I just know I'm going to be taking a lot of baths right now. Yeah, let's just call the episode Water Displacement. God, the chin's on that piece of shit. I know. Mookie has really gained a lot of weight since the first time I met him. I'm loving you. Displacement. God, the chins on that piece of shit. Mookie has really gained a lot of weight since the first time I met him. I love him.

All right, Jackie, you're here. I'm here. Can't fit in the tub. I'm just glad no one's calling me fat. You know, guys, thanks, guys. You're skinny, baby. Compared to Mookie, I'm definitely a lot thinner. Next week when Mookie ain't here, you're the one again.

No, I'm never going to walk, guys. I need another week off. I need two weeks off. I don't know. What are you doing next week, Mookie? Probably just getting fatter, man. You should constantly walk around with Jackie so she looks skinny. He barely made it up the subway stairs.

Ahmed Larson. Haltnators, ho! Stop it. Send me money and I'll lose weight.. Haltnators, ho! Stop it. Send me money and I'll lose weight. That's not true. Send me some money and I'll lose weight. The opposite shit is going to happen, man. Look how fat you got with no money.

You would be big with money. There's no doubt about that. He's fat, too. But I will say, if Zach Braff can have a Kickstarter, let's do a Kickstarter to make Holden even fatter. Yeah. Let's do it. How big are we going?

We're going bigger than Harold Ramis, that's for sure. And he's dead. He died. So fat. Well, he's bones now. He's a skinny man. Not yet. I can't wait to be bones.

Oh, my God. I'll fit in every swimsuit in the land. I can't wait to be bones either. You're going to suck on my bones when I die, Marcus? Fantastic. Marcus will probably be able to like you. I can't wait. Marcus, can you reconstruct his bones into a person that I want to hang out

with? That would be ideal. Put his feet on his head. Oh, yeah. It's easy getting fat, man. I taped together two of my old boxer shorts and I got new undies. You're disgusting. I'm having a good time out there. Again, Mookie, this is your future if you keep on your-

Right here, man. I want to be just like all you guys. All right, that's fine. You're fucking 20 pounds. Star of Friends of the People that will be out later this month. Jermaine's here? No. No, no, no.

Mookie! Mookie! Fat Mookie! Fat Mookie! I'm surprised you got that out so quick, being, no. Mookie! Mookie! Fat Mookie! Fat Mookie! I'm surprised you got that up so quick, being so overweight. I know, he's sweating profusely. No, no, of course, Lil Rel is here. Lil Rel.

Yo, you know what's fucked up, though, man? I've been seeing the promos they've been putting together, and they interview all of us, and we all talk about the show and how it came together and just different episodes or whatever. They cut me out of all of that shit. Too ugly, man. Just too fucking ugly.

No, it's because you're too intelligent for true TV, Kevin. I heard there was an advertisement on the side of a bus. Is that true? That was just Kevin. Waiting for the bus. They've true? That was just Kevin. Yeah. Waiting for the bus. They've been gluing Kevin to buses to scream,

Friends of the people! Friends of the people! God, I love that. I love that True TV ad campaign where they just have one of the stars, like, waiting for a bus. Genius. It's brilliant. Yeah, no, there's, like, a bunch of tour buses. They have them on. A couple buses are, like, deep in Brooklyn.

And then they got, like, a couple different. There's, like, ten different. Is your picture on it? Yeah. That's so cool. There's, like, ten different billboards throughout town. Like, I saw some of those. There's, like, a building-sized one.

But, yo, there's one in Times Square. I saw, like, three of the other ones that were, like, they were, like, smaller. Like, the actual poster itself has some other shows on it so the poster itself is maybe like 20-30 feet and then our poster is maybe like 5 feet tall

whatever but the one in Times Square like I literally I put it on Facebook I just wrote Unnecessary when I saw it it's literally like

it's like half a block it was like I went into it and like I didn't know I don't normally like get like like you know sentimental or any shit like that but I saw it and I was like I looked at it, and I didn't know. I don't normally get sentimental or any shit like that, but I saw it, and I looked at it, and I was like, I didn't know.

I got a headache. It was so big. My face alone was probably 30 feet, and all of a sudden. Jesus Christ. You guys, look at this shit. It's a couple stories tall. Yeah, it's huge. It's really fucking big.

It's amazing. So if you see any advertisements for Friends of the People, take a little picture and send them to the roundtable page. Now which Lucas Brothers, which? Well, it's Kenny and Keith. Yeah, you can tell them apart, right? Yeah. How long did it take you?

Well, Kenny's nice and Keith is a little bit meaner. No, Kenny's probably meaner. Well, I guess you guys have is a little bit meaner. No, Kenny's probably meaner. Keith is. Well, I guess you guys have had different experiences than I have. Because I know for a fact. You can look and tell. Kenny's kind of hairier.

He's got more beard. Keith's is more patchy and shit. Okay. Really got to get down there. All right. And then Walter is also here. Hi, guys. From Murderfest.

Thanks for being here, Walter. That's amazing, Kevin. What, are you mad at me or something, Ben? No, I'm not mad at you. That's how he interacts with people. You know, at first I thought Ben hated everybody, but then I realized that that's just how he talks to people. That's him being civil.

With utmost disappointment any time he sees someone. No, because Kevin has a billboard in Times Square, and then it's like, and Walter's here. You know? What's the transition? That's just a treat for anyone. Yeah. The last person I talked to is, you know,

a future huge star, and then you are as well. I am Walter. I've been a star for years. That's right. He got on commercials. That's correct. And that's why, what was your favorite commercial? Oh God,

I don't care about any of them. That's wonderful. Alright. Let's do a news story, Marcus. A newlywed bride had to confess to cheating on her husband with a dwarf stripper after she gave birth to a baby with dwarfism. The husband had no clue until the confession that his wife cheated on him.

He thought throughout the pregnancy that the child was his. The woman met the stripper at her bachelorette party and had sex with him afterwards. According to the Spanish news site La Cinco del Dia, not even the woman's closest friends knew about the secret affair. The woman reportedly confessed to the incident as she held her newborn baby in her arms. Tiny baby though, huh? Yeah. Are dwarf babies smaller though, huh? Yeah. Are dwarf babies smaller than normal babies? Yeah.

Oh, they must be so cute. This wasn't in America. No, this was in Spain. This was in Spain. I don't understand, like, why even say anything. Like, oh, you have midget semen in you. Yeah, that's a good point. There's probably a test or something, right, where they fucking...

They look weird. They just look weird. Here's a picture. I mean, if you're the guy, right, where they fucking. They look weird. They just look weird. Here's a picture. I mean, if you're the guy. No, it's cute. It's cute. It's a cute dwarf baby. It's cute, but it looks weird.

And he's kissing it. I mean, it's cute like a French bulldog's cute. Right. Now it's just like this man-made disaster that shouldn't be alive. It's got those fucked up little legs, man. You look at that baby, you know he's not spring. Right. Okay, so you're the guy Right

I mean what do you do Your wife cheated on you During your Bachelor party I don't know I don't think that he Hit her I mean what do you do

In a situation like that I don't know I feel like It's a dwarf Isn't that offensive It's weird Cause it's one of those Things where

It's a bachelor party And I would almost be like That's the night where I Something probably Would happen Yeah alright But you fucking dwarf It's one of those things where it's a bachelorette party, and I would almost be like, that's a night where something probably would happen. Yeah, all right, but you fucking dwarf, don't let the dwarf come in you. Don't let him come in you.

But at a certain point, you got to respect the midget's game, right? Oh, absolutely. That's a good point. He's a stripper. Yeah. Jackie, let's say someone does actually end up marrying you. Come inside me? Yeah, or, yeah, come inside.

Mary, what do you, your bachelorette party. What's my bachelorette party going to be? Yeah, does it involve a dwarf? No, I want to go shooting. I want to shoot things. Oh, okay. I want to hopefully shoot homeless people if I have enough money. The most dangerous game.

The most dangerous game. If I am a millionaire, which if I'm going to get married, I'm going to marry a millionaire, of course. And he is going to give me a good amount of money to spend so that I can hunt a person and murder them in the wild. So that's what you want to do for your bachelorette party? My question is, who would you bring with you? By myself. I'm not sharing that with anyone. I'm going to have a big bottle of fucking Jack Daniels.

I'm going to be by myself with a fire. Do you eat it? Eat the person? That you killed. No, no, no. Just beat it after it's dead. See, here's the thing. I would be more mad if you did that than like fuck the dude because then I'd be like, oh shit, my wife is a dude.

Your dream was to murder someone by yourself? Eddie, what do you think? This is emasculating. Right, right. You went out like your dream was to murder someone by yourself. Eddie, what do you think? This is emasculating. What do you mean? The woman cheated on the husband with a dwarf, with a little person. I mean, doesn't the husband, I mean, of course he yelled, With a dwarf?

Can you, with a dwarf? Why would you do that? In all honesty, this is like the greatest thing that ever happened to this guy. Why? How? Because he gets to get out of the marriage. Yeah, it's like she fucking wore a shirt of dwarf, baby. You hit the road. to get out of the marriage. Yeah, he's like, she fucked a dwarf, she had a dwarf baby, you hit the road. But there's also

the other side of it where it's like, it is a dwarf, so it's like, maybe it's a novelty thing. You know? I can see in my head being like,

well, I never fucked a dwarf. This is the last day I could fuck somebody without being a legal obligation. You could keep it around in a purse, you know? Well, why didn't she just be like,

oh, I guess it's like runs in my family or something like instead of the guilt Walter the guilt the guilt alone but I can't imagine

that the dwarf looked anything like the guy I mean there's different I mean babies don't look like anyone right and then you put the two and two together she went to the dwarf

nightclub where all the dwarfs are banging to the girls and things like that for her bachelorette party I mean he figured it out is it better in a way that she fucked the dwarf than a regular guy?

That's what I was saying. She had a real baby with a real man. You can't just throw that in the garbage Well dwarfs are real men too Let's clarify that Let's definitely dwarfs are real humans We are people We are not saying that dwarfs are subhuman I mean honestly if they were full human, they would be the size of us, right?

They should have less rights. Because they need less, you know, everything else. As soon as the doctor cuts the tail off of them, they're human. That's my opinion. If they keep the tail, then sure. If they've got the fucking snake tail at the bottom.

What about people who are like, quote unquote, giants? Are they superhuman? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you're saying, so Ben, by your logic, Ben should have more rights than you have. Yeah. And I think I do. He needs them, too.

He's such a fucking haphazard monster. People, when you're tall, people just give you shit because they're scared. So we do have more stuff than you, man. It's like, it's true. The other day, I went to Duncan. Dwarves all have to, like, build houses and trees and shit like that to try to survive. Build trees? I've never been mugged, man.

I don't even worry about being mugged. I walk down any street by myself. I walk down streets and I just have my money on the outside. And I staple it to my jeans. What money? Eh, that's the problem. Right. I have no money.

Mookie is fat. So we've discussed that before. I don't know, man. I've kind of wanted to fuck a dwarf for a long time. Really? Yeah, I have too. They got such big butts, man. Yeah.

And just huge ass butts. Y'all watch dwarf porn? I mean, I've dabbled. The Mighty Midget is a very powerful pornographic collection, if you get a chance to see it. And I would say that she's taken dongs about nine inches. Wow. Nine inches big.

And she's put it fully inside of herself. Wow. And then she does do like, I'm your puppet, I'm your dick puppet. We used to have this. It's hot stuff. Dwarf Britney Spears impersonator who goes around the village

And we used to She used to like show up At the poor house And start dancing on the bar And people would just Give her money And she'd leave I know what you're

Talking about man That's perfect She was great I mean what Is it What were you saying No it's not even like It's like

I just remember In the West Village There was another one Who was like beautiful Like her face was like gorgeous It's probably the same chick She was pretty hot Yeah she's gorgeous Blonde chick And you know she was a dwarf so her body was fucking dope

i remember we were out one night and then some dude was like she was like she was dancing on a table because you know she has to and like some dude otherwise people step on her she literally was like she literally she was dancing with a dude. She was on the table, and she was grinding with a dude because that's the only way that they could grind together. She stood on the table. She had to stay on the table. And the dude, they're grinding and shit,

and then he starts making out with her. And people were laughing. And this is a regular-sized person. Regular-sized guy. And people were laughing. I pointed at him, and I remember they left together. I saw them. I mean, we had left that bar, but an hour later, I saw them walking out, holding hands.

Everyone was laughing at the shit, whatever. The whole time, I was like, I wish I was that dude. Yeah. I bet he had a night to remember. Yeah, man. It's taboo. That would be taboo, right? If you see a regular-sized person with a little person.

Mookie, what do you think about that? Should it be that controversial? Well, I think it's just rare. People aren't ready for that, but I wouldn't be caught in a situation like that. Where's their movement? You know? The little person movement. There should be a little person march.

Well, you know, Peter Dinklage, he talks out about it all the time. Yeah. Yeah, he's their spokesman. And, you know, if we wanted to rent a midget stripper, I found over on hbstrippers.net, they've got a whole midget stripper page. We can buy one from anywhere between $800 to $1,200. That includes... That's great.

How much just to rent it? Yeah. Seems like a lot to buy. I don't want to have to feed it or nothing. Right, right. You gotta get the specific pellets. What do they eat, man? Is it like cornflakes?

Live crickets, right? Baby carrots. Throw a head of lettuce in there. Now, what do the services that we get for owning this midget? Well, you know, you got to give them the salt lick. That's a deer. Thank you for discussing. Well, the reason why midget strippers are more expensive than regular strippers

is because midget strippers have to travel with a bodyguard. Always traveling with a bodyguard. I thought they all had to. What stripper doesn't travel with a bodyguard? Male strippers are built-in bodyguards. That's a good point. What's the whole point of the little person female stripper? You know, I mean, I guess it's just...

Why doesn't she see a little person naked? See the little titties and the little ass? I mean, if Kevin ever gets married, then we know exactly what to do with his bachelor's bar. Just make it nothing but... Just don't let the stripper nut inside of you.

Nine months later, he's got a beautiful child. I don't know. The little person stripper thing, that seems interesting to me. I gotta do it. Yeah, I would get one. Laugh and laugh. Did you person stripper thing, that seems interesting to me. I got to do it. Yeah, I would get one, laugh and laugh. But I guess, did you fuck a midget, Ben? I've never had one.

I know you've never had one. Would you do it? Well, I don't know. You'd fuck anything that wanted to fuck you. Well, a lot. Well, then I would be having sex a whole little. No one wants to have sex with with me And it's tragic And sad But

You've got a lady And she's tiny She's really tiny She's almost Little person size Yeah But she's skinny All midgets are kind of fat

I was kind of wondering About that too Like how does she She just crawls all around you Like you're a fucking Treehouse or something Yeah man You know I'm the treehouse

And she's the young boy Clam it up Clam it up Wanting to man. You know, I'm the treehouse and she's the young boy. Climb it up. Climb it up wanting to play house, you know? Burn it down! Burn it down. That's why I keep finding fake mustaches in the toilet. No, I've never had sex with a

little person, but I would assume that it's not bad. You know, it must be good. Anyone here ever screw around with a midget or seen them naked? Is midget fine? I think midget's okay. I think midget's better than little person. Midget is the thing they hate the worst. I don't know.

I think dwarf sounds more ridiculous. Dwarf is worse. But dwarfs and little people are two different things. Dwarf sounds like some fucking Game of Thrones shit. Little people is an insult. What does Dinklage want? Little people is what they want.

Dinklage, I think, wants dwarf because he does have primordial dwarfism. Oh. It's like the weird, like the primordial dwarfism is the big head. Primordial sounds terrible. That's how they describe the ooze in Ninja Turtles. That is true. Yeah, but no, that's the medical term. Can we call them shitheads? You can't call them shitheads. primordial sound. That's how they describe the ooze in Ninja Turtles. That is true. But no, that's the medical term.

Can we call them shitheads? You can't call them shitheads. I want to call them NBA Jam Big Head Modes. It's a long slur, so I think that will work. You NBA Jam Big Head Mode. No, they consider midget to be their N-word. Really? It's the M word.

Oh, look at that. I guess you get rid of the M, put an N in there. I don't recall a bunch of little people or dwarves getting, you know, boated over here to create an entire economy that now we get to, you know, love here in the United States. I don't remember the little people slave movement, but if that is their M word. They were making our cups. They hardly got our like. I don't remember the little people slave movement, but if that is their M word. They were making our cups.

I don't recall. They would make shoes in the middle of the night. I would imagine they were one of the only people left during the slave trade, whatever it was, like trying to get strong soldiers and stuff. I would assume the little people were the ones that got to stay around. There was that whole Willy Wonka movie, and nobody really talked about that. That's true. The Wizard of Oz.

The Wizard of Oz. Oh, yeah. Two acting jobs in the history of midgets. A lot of those little people are still kicking off those movies. Yeah. To this day. Residuals, man. And, I mean, Christmas season is your big money holiday.

Yeah. Well, you know, you can't get left outside, or you're going to freeze to death. Yeah. Holiday. Yeah. Well, you know, you can't get left outside or you're going to freeze to death. Yeah. You know, I'm trying to figure out now what my N-word is. For you? I don't know. For you?

Yeah, for me. Lumpy. It's the L-word for you. Oh, lumpy. I love being called lumpy. Did you see my penis? Looks like one of those horrible squash. Yeah.

Something like that. A gourd. A gourd. Yeah, a gourd. It's in gourd. Oh, take my gourd. Oh my gourd my gourd You fuck take my gourd you fucking hair person I Felt like that was offensive. I got it. That was a trigger for me

What is what is my n-word is it lizard no responsible? My N-word, is it... Lizard? No. Responsible. It's not responsible. Nice. Nice is a bad one. Say the thing that you want to say to Holden.

Call the thing that I want to say. The one word that sums up your hatred for Holden. That's going to be his word. It's like there's so many things. I know, I know. It's tough. That's why I gave it to you. I don't know what to...

It's like there's so many... Annoying... How do you summate... Yeah, how do you summate annoying... Ooh, I know. It's tough. That's why I gave it to you. I don't know what to... It's like there's so many... Annoying... How do you... Yeah, how do you summate annoying, greasy... Brat. Brat. That's a tough one. That enrages me.

See? No, brat's not good, though. It's too, like, saucy and sweet 16. Yeah. It's like, but how do you combine... I just want... Because you got to combine greasy, annoying, lizard, pigeon-bodied. It's like some weird medieval word that doesn't exist anymore.

It doesn't exist anymore. Maybe scapegrace? Oh, my God! That enrages me! All right, that's the one. What does scapegrace mean? I mean, it means a badly behaved, a mischievous or wayward person, especially a young person or a child, a rascal.

Oh, all right. Space grace. Yeah. Space grace. Scapegrace. Scapegrace. Scapegrace. Oh, the McNeely, the young scapegrace.

I don't know, man, but that's just such a behavioral thing, man. Why don't we just call him landfill? Oh, I like that. That's pretty good. Yeah. He's definitely dumped a lot of garbage into his body. All right, next news story. Things got pretty strange during a battle rap between Daylight and Real Deal in Phoenix over the weekend. According to Battle Rap Magazine, the MC, that would be Daylight, came out dressed in all black, including a cloak covering his head.

The fans got quickly tired of his antics and began to boo him on stage. The booing continued while the MC removed the top portion of his black cloak to reveal a fake severed head to go along with one of his battle rap lines. As you'd expect, this resulted in more booing. Daylight obviously wasn't happy with the crowd's reaction and yelled, if I hear two more boos, I'm going to boo-boo on the stage over the mic. Well, apparently he really is. He really did mean it.

And after more booing took place, he proceeded to pull his pants down on stage and poop in front of the crowd before being escorted out by security. You refer to that as boo-boo? Boo-boo. And if you look over here, you will see a picture of daylight boo-booing on stage. If you look closely, you can see what is either a boo-boo or a pee-pee. One of the two. What do you guys think?

I think that's a little shit coming out. I do, too. Daylight, how far are you falling? This is some video of him getting taken off stage. Oh, no, he got nothing out. Yeah. I mean, this is some video of him getting taken off. I thought he was breakdancing. Oh, no. He got nothing out. Yeah. It's difficult to do in front of all those people.

It is, but I think you would have been able to do it. That's kind of a really funny thing to, like, you're just trying to shit while people are running towards you to tackle you. You're just like, oh, oh, oh. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You know, Walter. The security team was so ready for it. It seemed like they had practice for this. Well, daylight is known for his, wait, wait, wait. The security team was so ready for it, it seemed like they had practice for this.

Well, daylight is known for his antics, apparently. Right. I mean, I feel like, you know, if you're going to boot on stage, this is a great retort. Just take a big dump. I once saw a guy or a video on one of those, like, oh, this is so embarrassing sites of a guy during a rap battle accidentally piss himself. And then try to like. Yeah, like he was rapping and stuff, and then you just see the stream go down his leg,

coming through the pants. He just pissed himself. I don't know. He probably had a P-roll bad. He was in the middle of his rap battle, and then he just sort of tries to play it off. He keeps trying to flex and stuff, and everyone's like, oh!

But then there was also the twerk competition on this one dude, and then he gets a boater in the middle of the twerk competition that everybody's pointing to laughing at his boner, but it's like a whole auditorium of people just pointing and laughing at his boner and there's a camera on a big screen

and they move the camera in on this dude's boner. It was like a nightmare that you would have in high school. And then, then he jizzes. Yeah, that's right. And they're like, going in on the common. Zoom in on the common. Oh, God.

No way. That is devastating. Was he dancing with another person? No, he was lying down. On his back. And a chick was just like grinding, twerking, grinding her ass on his fucking dick. I jizz, man. He's got all these hot ass Latin and black chicks

fucking twerking on his dick. Right. And he's just lying there and he jizzes in his pants. Oh, wow. And they're like, oh shit, just like a dick.

And there's just all these shots of people just literally pointing and laughing at him. Oh, they are going Oh, Marcus, I gotta see this.

It's so embarrassing. Oh, yeah. I mean, you know how this is embarrassing. This guy looks like a savior. Oh, he's doing great. Oh, yeah. I mean, this is embarrassing. This guy looks like a savior. Oh, he's doing great. Oh, they have his face blurred out. The video I saw, his face was not blurred out.

I would say this is not enough to come. This man has never had sex before. I just came right now watching this. Yeah, man. I mean, it's hot. It's great. No, they like grind on him for a while. He deals with like a bunch of different chicks.

A bunch of different chicks grind at one after the other. Oh, yeah. Oh, man. Everyone's laughing at him. He's like, no, no, no, no. Oh, the poor girl that has to have sex with him next. The camera will stop looking at him and just start hitting the crowd. Literally, the whole crowd is just dying laughing.

Could you imagine? It's just you laying on your back on stage, and everyone is pointing and laughing at you. That is a nightmare. This video was like why I was like, I will never do this. No way. I will never volunteer to be the dude.

All of a sudden, it's a fucking donkey show. Like, they're uncontrollably laughing. Yeah, everyone. They can't even breathe. They're laughing so hard. But did he do anything wrong? You know, I mean, yeah, those chicks were extremely attractive. Oh, my God.

I mean, my heart goes out to the guy. Yeah. That's the thing. Every dude fucking came too quick at some point. Right. And he had like eight chicks. Last week. Beautiful.

With the hottest girls I've ever seen. Oh, Ed, you came too quick last week, huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Eddie, when did you come too quick last week? It was, you know, you can barely even remember when it happened. It was so fast. That's because you were so drunk. No, no, no.

Drunk, I would have been able to keep going. You had bad sex last week, though? Yeah, but I made up for it like in a couple hours. Yeah, but that's what you do. You just go, hey, baby, you know, it'll be cool. And then you fall asleep and then you get married. That's true. Oh, my God, that poor guy. I don't think you ever come too quick. Oh, all the time, man. You's true. Oh, my God, that poor guy.

I don't think... The heart goes out to him, man. You ever come too quick, Kim? Oh, all the time, man. Yeah? You got to. Yeah, that's true. Jackie, you ever come too quick?

Yeah, but you can keep going, though. Yeah, Jackie's a lot of fun. Have you ever had a guy come, like, just far too quick, 30 seconds in, 15 seconds in? Yeah, I mean, when you have, have like a pussy that's equivalent to a bucket of slob, it's like, it's difficult for it. It's like I don't even know if he went or not, so As long as I'm going, that's all I care about.

Yeah, that's true. That's why I put my little, I just get my, I take my pokey stick out of my pocket and I just let that do the work for the rest of the time. She's already fucking blind drunk. She doesn't know I'm not fucking her by that point. I'm just jamming at her with my pokey stick out of my pocket and I just let that do the work for the rest of the time. She's already fucking blind drunk. She doesn't know I'm not fucking her by that point. I'm just jamming at her with my pokey stick. What's the pokey stick? It's a little stick

I keep in my pocket when I go on dates. It's wood? Yeah. I feel like it might be a pretzel rod. I love it when you put salt on your dick. It feels so good in my pussy. That's so good. I can't believe how drunk you got me. But that is not rape. If you say so. Not when That's so good. I can't believe how drunk you got me. But that is not rape. If you say so.

Not when she's your girlfriend. That's what's so fucked up about something like that, where that dude now, he's ruined. Anybody who sees that video or was there. Is his name attached to it? No, but anybody who sees that and knows it knows that whoever was there everybody in that room knows that what that guy's name is yeah everybody in that town knows that dude's name yeah but who knows that was just his moment you know that was the time he could be fucking the best dude at fucking in that entire town but he's never gonna I mean, literally, one girl after the other rides his dick.

They're just perfect women. Like, practically fucks his dick off. My whole thing is the public aspect of it. Like, who here has gotten a lap dance? And then in front of a crowd of... I got a lap dance by a male stripper once, and I was uncomfortable. Like, not hard uncomfortable. I was like...

Oh, I loved it when I got my tits in my face. Yeah. And male strippers, I always love it when they give me a nice lap dance. Hot. Hot. And with the dick. And you know, you got. They rub it on you.

You've been to male strip clubs before, right, Ben? Oh, my God. So fucking many. It's ridiculous. Because of my brothers, you know. Why would they take you? All right. I've never gone with my brother to a strip club.

I mean, they like them. Why like them? So, yeah, I mean, male strip clubs are a lot like, uh, straight strip, uh, strip clubs, but, uh, then all the guys are, uh, you know, they're dancing. Uh, and it's just filled with dudes. Yeah. Well, that was the way my brother came out to me in an email. Uh, he said, I'm going, uh, with my boyfriend Dallas to the gay nin brother came out to me in an email. He said I'm going

With my boyfriend Dallas to the gay 90s Come and join us And that was how he came out so I went to meet him at the gay 90s in Minneapolis, Minnesota This is that just like a screening of Melrose Place like yeah a bunch of male strippers there with the dicks and everything. But the male strip clubs are funny. Were they waving their dicks around? Well, they were, and I would have preferred if they were hard because I think the flaccid penis is more offensive than the hard penis. It is grosser.

The weird thing about that. That's the thing about male strippers. They have to be, like, I would say 60% big. Yeah. That's so weird. But you can't be fully engorged. I don't know what they're up to. Ridiculous. How do they keep it at just that level, though? That's a weird. But you can't be fully engorged. I don't know what they're up to. It's so ridiculous.

How do they keep it at just that level, though? That's a talent. They're straight. That's the thing. Most male strippers, not all, but most male strippers, especially in the gay world, are straight. Would that make you upset, Walter? Not really, because I'm paying them to do a service. Right.

My biggest complaint about male strippers is that it's all butts. You know what I mean? Whenever they're doing a striptease It's like, look at my butt And then I'm kind of going to pull down And see the root of the dick But then I'm going to pull it back up And then look at my butt's the part

Root dick? Nobody's trying to see that root dick The dick root But no, and I'm just like You prefer it was just all dick Yeah, I want to see that rude dick. The dick root. But no, and I'm just like, this is all dick. Yeah, I want to see the dick. Show me the dick. Well, let's just keep that, and that'll be ISIS propaganda against America. Absolutely.

That is perfect. I agree. Yeah, show the fucking dick. Yeah, show the dick. Why else would you be your male stripper? You have no other skills. I agree. Show your dick.

I'm sorry to think you don't even have a dick, bro. No, they dance very well. They do. You have no other skills. I agree. Show your dick. I'm sorry to think you don't even have a dick, bro. No, they dance very well. They do. They have great bodies. Are male strip clubs the same as female strip clubs where if they're nude

they're not allowed to sell liquor at the strip club? That's why. That's why they focus on the butt. That makes sense. Do they spread their butt cheeks

and show the asshole? No. It's just shaking their butts. It's fucking worse shaking their open butts. You can see dude ass anywhere. A dude could be sitting on a bench wrong and you see his ass. That doesn't make any sense at all. I see it all the time.

Every day. You're right. I don't like it at all. I don't even have a male strip club called Worms. I don't like it at all I'm gonna open up a male strip club called Worms Will it be full nude or do they have to keep their underwear on? Up next is Gummy Worm He's covered in sugar

He's fucking fat It's just the owner Walking out with a gummy worm After him is the dirty worm He's covered in dirt The tip of his penis does not have a hole Check out gummy worm Where does it go?

Not out the tip I'm going to worm, that's all I know He pisses out of his balls Ladies and gentlemen, it's gummy worm Pop a hole in him, huh? He owns the club and he hates the club He doesn't like his life. All right, Marcus, what's another story?

An Italian teen who was bullied for being too fat is now in serious condition after his tormentors blasted him in the rectum with a compressed air hose. The attackers allegedly forced the 14-year-old boy from Naples to pull down his pants and assaulted him with the kind of air gun used at a car wash. Wow. You guys aren't going to put an air hose in my ass. Shut the fuck up, you fat piece of shit. Yeah, exactly. I got to go. You got to push out his ass, guys.

One of the three attackers was 24 years old. Oh, come on. This is a bad way to go. You should know better by now. He died? No, he's in serious condition, though. He was hospitalized with lacerations to his intestines and serious bleeding. Wow, this could happen to you, Ben.

Yeah, it could happen to anybody. And that's what's so dangerous. An air gun to the butthole. That's a terrible way to die. Where was this? This was in Italy, in Naples. Oh, okay. La Costa Nostra.

That makes a lot of sense. Why does that make sense? It's an Italian survival. I could see myself being an Italian teenager and be like, yo, it'd be so funny if he put this fucking air hose in his ass. Hey, yo, we won't fucking stick this goddamn hose up his fucking butt.

He's gonna learn one way or the other. We'll just look at these guys coming out with butts and guts. That's perfect, Daddy. I'm going to name a male strip club. It's going to be called Butts and Guts. Butts and Guts. I can't wait to go there.

Open up the butt and get a look at that boy's guts. His name's Charles. It's going to be intense and wonderful. He ain't got no home. He ain't got no home. He ain't got no home. He'll never get a college degree. Look at those guts, gentlemen. God damn.

What are you doing? What are you doing? What are you doing? And you just hear the air go, and it just goes into your body. You've got to feel what it feels like to be a balloon. What do you feel? Your skin must separate from the bone the bone the muscle right has to be How do you get in like that? Yeah, this is lacerations to his intestines, right?

So it had to really fuck things up the asshole When you inflate somebody the whole thing Yeah, no, I've never done it but I would assume that happens it's got to be that's like like shit had to have gone into organs that it wasn't so the poop who got flushed up yeah it's it had to right it might be a fun thing to do if you could do it the opposite way I just have a big sucker in your butt and just clean out all your poop. This isn't the first time we've covered one of these stories.

Way back in 2011, we covered an electrician who got an air hose up the butt. That's right. He also had injuries to his anus. He had injuries to his anus, his bowels, and his intestines. So if you put an air compressor up somebody's butt, then it hurts their anus.

Alright, so it works. We know now. Two for two. Good to know. The experiment, we have our control. Solid product. If there's been a case of the opposite where somebody put an air hose in their mouth thinking it would just make them shit out everything.

Well, let me see here. It's gotta have happened. Is this the worst thing that could happen to you, Jackie? Nah, not the worst thing, but it's gotta be pretty fucking rough, man. This is a rough one. He's gotta get out of there and just cut all these dudes' dicks

off, you know? That's the only revenge. He's like, oh boy. He's got to go after these fucking guys. Thank God Mengele didn't have one of these. Yeah, I don't know if he did or not. I wouldn't be surprised if he did have some sort of Was Mengele devious? He was just inquisitive, I'm pretty sure.

He was just super curious. He was curious. Like a cat. Like Curious George's like a cat. Like a cat. Like Curious George, like a monkey. Yeah. To answer your question, Kevin, if you spray compressed air into your mouth, it will damage your lungs and esophagus. Hold on. I didn't think that you could spray it in and it would just make you shit.

I was just thinking that hopefully there was somebody in the world that did think that, and then they did it. They did not. This did not happen. At least if it did happen, it didn't make the news. Well, that was an old mob thing they used to do, too. And they do it in the Middle East as well, where they puff somebody's lips up so much, they put the air compressor in their mouth and they break their cheeks.

Jesus. Yeah. So don't go snitching. I don't know. But yeah, it's a great torture technique. So the guy is not doing well. No, he's not doing well at all. But, you know, the main attacker's family...

How's the air compressor? Just fine, Eddie. The main attacker's family claims the injuries were the result of a stupid prank gone wrong. They told the local, they're all good kids who make fun of each other. They didn't understand that the compressor with that power could do such damage. For them, it was just a game. The 24-year-old didn't fucking think about that for a second? Boys being boys.

Yeah, boys being boys. I mean, at 24, I think you're, yeah, that's a man being a boy. You know? Yeah. Mario Campanella, the president of the Anti-Bullying Association

that is within Italy, he said, the violence suffered by the 14-year-old from Naples makes us cry and angry. This is sexual as fuck. Shut the fuck up.

No, I'm on the side of the 14-year-old kid. Yeah, he had a trophy stuffed up his ass. He's 10 years older than him, man. I'm talking about the anti-bullying guy in Italy. It makes us cry. Yeah, your last name can't end in a vowel. Yeah, home of the Catholic Church.

I mean, bullying is the least thing that they should be concerned about. The last thing, rather. But, I mean, this is a sexual assault. I'd say so. I don't think it's sexual as much as it's just, like, straight-up cruel. Yeah. It is cruel. I don't think they were beaten off to it.

Then it'd be a sexual assault. Yeah, if they came like that, dude. But they were just shoving this up his ass. Yeah. This is not... I mean, you're a survivor of things being shoved up your ass. Not only a survivor, a person who enjoys it. Amen, Ben.

Amen. Absolutely. You know, there's nothing wrong with having some. You took a bowling trophy in the ass? Basketball trophy. Basketball trophy. Let's not. Was the guy reaching up to dunk so that at least the ball was at the tip of it and went in a little easier?

I'm just going to say that the guy scored. Well, the basket that big, of course he's going to fucking score. Well, it's not that big for Christ's sake. Your big ass basket. No. Let's not call my butthole a basket.

Sandwiches and a blanket in there. It's fine. If you're a victim of sexual assault, call my butthole a bat. Sandwiches and a blanket in there. It's fine. If you're a victim of sexual assault, don't hide in the darkness. Text Hooters to Ben Kissel. Yes, text me your breasts. That's not

a bad idea. Facebook me your tits. Text me your tits and he'll give you the number of someone who can help you. No, obviously you're of age and you're 24 years old.

I'm at Ben Kissel there on Facebook and just send me all your hot nudes. Anyway, so what I'm saying is this 14 year old boy is going to end up being a great podcaster. We're going to stay in the realm of fat here in the news. Fire investigators say a fire at a crematorium was likely caused by the cremation of a 500-pound body. The fire started when the furnace used to cremate the 500-pound body got too hot. The fire started when the furnace used to cremate the 500-pound body got too hot.

Jerry Hendricks, the manager at Southside Cremation, told CBS6 that the fire was a result of the size of the body his workers were processing at the time. Extra steps are taken to ensure the cremation process goes smoothly when handling obese bodies. Hendricks said the body was so obese that the actual body fat came off and went straight up the sack and hit the roof material, the rubber roof that we have up there, and that's what made it go up like it did. My guys, we did all we could. Once it started, the grease hit the roof and started the fire. The grease fire from a fat man? Yes, he was so fat, and he had so much fat in his body that he started a grease fire at a crematorium.

Oh, my God. You got to get that bacon soda. Yeah, that's true. Put the bacon soda on the grease fire. Don't add water. Don't add water. No. You lit up that fat man.

Just cut him up. Cut him up and fry him up throughout the week. All I'm saying is it's the lazy undertaker. That's right. That's the point. Hold it. You were saying? I the lazy undertaker. That's a good point. Hold it, you were saying? I was going to say, that's why I hang out with Ed. If somebody ever is coming at me, I'm just going to set Ed on fire and push him at the dude.

It's like when I go to the laundromat and I put too much clothes in the dryer. She's like, it's too much, too much. You put it out, you put two dryer, two dryer. Your pants too big. Your pants too big. Take a pole washer. Take a pole washer. Take a pole washer with your fucking pants and your zipper too big for dryer. That's why Asians need to be running these funeral homes and this wouldn't even be an issue.

I don't know. Where is the bad accent laundromat? Where are you going? I think that's wonderful. You think it's wonderful? Yeah, this fat guy. He got his revenge. On what?

On everybody. What are you talking about? When I died, the whole place is going down. He's not in Kitzel. He got his revenge. He got his revenge. He got ahead of 500-pound great life. It was wonderful.

He ate like a madman. Yeah. You know, when I carve up my corpse, I'll burn down your building. Who cares? Oh, man. An oversized cremation is likely to cost at least $100 to $500 more than a standard cremation.

Because he's fat. Yeah, because it's going to burn down the building. Transportation costs. What do you think about... Oh, fuck you. Extra cost for an oversized cremation container. Oh, shut up. That's ridiculous. And excess weight cremation charge.

How much of the cremation is actually the person, by the way? You know, is it always the person or is it half wood chunks and things like that? It's probably about half wood chunks, yeah. Yeah. From what I understand of the cremation process. And we know nothing about it. I cremated all over this chick last night, man.

Yeah. I'm sure your fucking fat hit the ceiling, too. That's disgusting. You banged a girl last night? You had sex with a woman. I'm in a good mood. What is wrong with you? You know what it is? I'm calling her right now. It's that fucking Noah hat. Yeah, man.

Ever since I got the hat. Well, you're not wearing it. I'm off. Myself, man. Ever since I got the hat. Well, you're not wearing it. You're beating him off. Myself, too. Yeah. Eddie, what does pussy juice smell like? Oh, my God. It's fucking gross. You don't like it?

I love it. Yeah. Jackie, you ever met a guy who didn't like the smell of your vagina? Of your vagina? Of your vagina? Of my vagina? Of your vagina? I think that if they didn't

if they said something I mean you're not gonna fuck them so even if you don't like it you just fucking deal with it you can't say anything it's just ethics man that's the ethics of America it's another good thing about being a guy like girls get yeasties and stuff that makes their pussy smell bad but no dude has like a

bad dick smell disease there is a bad dick smell disease. Oh, no, no, no. There is a bad dick smell disease. I mean, it's more balls, right? No, it's the whole area. The root is yours, Walter. Well, no. The thing is that guys sometimes

just reek down there. And I guess, I mean, if you think about it, you'd have one wash of it and it'd be gone. Right, but like, I don't know, just sometimes you're just like, if you think about it, go through. Yeah, but one wash of it and it'd be gone. Right. But, like, I don't know. Just sometimes you're just like, ugh. Have you ever stopped sucking on a sweet knob because the odor was too much? Well, I wouldn't have started.

That's the whole thing. I've been like, hey, babe, let's get in the shower. Oh, what a. It's different, though, man, because it was a dude, like, you get in the shower. It's external, but the woman is. With a chick, it's like there's external but the woman is but with a chick it's like there's something like they have demons

inside of them it's like they're cooking something for the ladies it's cranberry juice yeah that's the same for anybody

for dudes and chicks it's vitamin C so you just get in a spray bottle and cranberry juice and pineapple juice

you soak it in a sponge you shove... Cranberry juice and pineapple juice. You don't get in a sponge. You shove a sponge up there. No, but actually, for guys, actually, to make your semen taste better, especially if you're a smoker, drink pineapple juice. Yeah, pineapple juice. No, it's the same.

The active thing there is the vitamin C. But specifically, I don't know if it's like slightly different, but it's like ascorbic acid is what does it. I don't know, man. I was like a fucking medicine person for a while.

You went to medicine person school. I was pre-med. Was this in Brazil? I saw that movie. It was Sean Connery. I feel like everyone's trying to be PC about Kevin, too, not being like he was a witch doctor.

But then there's other shit, too. It's like, it's that, but then if you eat a lot of cauliflower, it'll make it bad. I know who I'm going to call next time I ball. Cauliflower is bad for your semen? Cauliflower, cabbage, I think broccoli. There's a bunch of, like, vegetables that'll make it, like, and it's the same shit for girls, too.

Can you write this shit down for me? You're not getting laid. I heard tomatoes make pussy stink. No, no, no. I think tomatoes are the opposite. Only when you sit on them. That's great. But yeah, it's just like there's certain vegetables that'll make it bad and then it's like

anything that's high in vitamin C will help it. Oh, wow. I didn't know. Have you ever had cum in your mouth, Walter, that you thought was so repulsive you had to spit it out? Yes. Yeah. Yikes.

I can imagine that, too. I even think about that. I mean, I have. Getting shot up and then you had a squirty squirt happen. I've run across some pussy that was pretty fucking foul. Oh, me, too. I had an ex who she must have had a yeast infection or something. But I'd go, oh. You're lucky you didn't get it in your mouth. That's what happens. Oh, me too. I had an ex who she must have had a yeast infection or something. But I'd go, oh.

You're lucky you didn't get it in your mouth. That's what happens. Oh. It was like a sewer down there. Yeah. You actually kind of look like a living yeast infection. I could be. I talked to the doctor about it, but he locked me in the basement.

Before I could even get an answer from him. And then I just fucking burned my way out of it. Different strokes. Yeah, man. I just didn't even think about how my goo go smells. Well, it's not... The goo go, it's... Do you think about it more?

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Well, no, it's not about... Because the goo tastes bad, but the guy's area is what smells bad. Because think about it. As guys, you're, you know, throughout the day, area is what smells bad. Because think about it. As guys, you're, you know, throughout the day, you're sweating down there.

So how do you clean a dick? I mean, with your mouth, I would assume. There's poor women. There's poor, poor women. By the way, Murder Fist did a great show last night for Sketchfest and in one of the sketches, Eddie, you were wearing underwear.

And only underwear. And it was a diaper. A diaper. It was a diaper. Your balls are huge. Yeah. Holy Lord. He's got these biggest balls on the table.

Everyone could see your balls. I was talking with people in the back about like, oh my God, look at his balls. And then halfway through the sketch, everyone. Thank God they forgot their 3D glasses. Holy Christ. Poke an eye out. Big old nuts. Big nuts.

Walter, you like a guy with big nuts? Yeah. All right. Does that factor into it? No. No, it's just a perk. Yep. Jackie, yourself?

Nuts and nuts nuts. You know? I do. All right, Marcus. Yep. Jackie, yourself? Nuts and nuts nuts, you know? I do. All right, Marcus, what's the other story? Police are investigating a local high school coach and several players in Pittsburgh after they allegedly duct taped an autistic boy to a goal post. Oh, come on. There's a lot of silly pranks going on this week.

Yes, very silly. They just got done watching radio as a team together. Like, that ain't going to be us. The anti-radio movement. 16-year-old Austin Babinsack. I mean, your last name's Babinsack. Let's face it. It's going to be autistic.

They named him Austin as well, and he's autistic. I mean, the whole thing is wrong. Autistic Austin? Yeah, it's not right yeah autistic austin babinsock i mean he tokens you read a story about him he says that he was left duct taped to the goal for approximately 15 minutes while the student went back to the school to get another student presumably to show them the funny prank right he said he told Katie K.A. I was really shaken. I thought I was going to be stuck there for a long time.

His mother, Christy Babinsack. Then he said ice cream over and over again. Yeah, you never know what he wants. Ice cream. Ice cream. Ice cream. Pizza. Pizza.

Pizza. Pizza. It's dinner time now. His mother, Christy Babinsack, said he was terrified. He could have died. He could have had a heart attack for being so stressed out. He was screaming at the top of his lungs. He's autistic.

Get a job, bitch. Why did his mom tell the fucking news that he was autistic? They didn't need to know that. Well, she's trying to get a lawsuit going. He's a regular kid. There's no excuse for why this happened to him if he's a regular kid. Yeah, I guess so. But at the same time, it was only 15 minutes. I mean, if someone does a prank

on me, like, I don't worry about shit until at least like an hour. Yeah. You know what I mean? I mean, I think this makes you part of the club, right? Yeah. You get tied up by the goalpost or you know Took it they would have respected him. That's the whole thing. That's the whole point of friendship I mean all of us torturing listeners out there. Just you know, remember just sit there and take it Well, we don't even know if this guy was on at least his mother might have just said it

Yeah, I feel like it would have creeped them out a lot more if they had come back 15 minutes later and he was there completely complacent about it. Just like, hey guys, how you doing? Hello! He's like loving it. That's how you win the prank. That's how you win it. He's like, I love this.

I can fucking stay here all day. I'm not duct taped to the goalpost. The goalpost is duct taped to me. Yeah, the goalpost is like, no! Starts chewing through the duct tape to the goal post, the goal post did duct tape to me. Yeah, the goal post was like, no! Starts chewing through the duct tape. How many autistic listeners do you think we have? Oh, many. I think there's one that's very proud

of being autistic. I don't know, but if they saw them all in a jar, they'd be able to count them. Well, that's definitely true. What happened? Hold on. Holden just got John Moreno drunk in two seconds. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Get him off the show. Being Kissel, I want to suck on your nuts. Well, he's just fine with me. John Moreno, a great member of Murder Files. My God, he was hammered last night. Woof, mama. He fell on people. I missed all of it.

All right, let's do a little inside baseball. For those that don't know, Sketch Fest happened this weekend. John Marino's the guy who signed him for Holden a couple weeks ago. That's right. John Marino signed him for Holden. And he did a great job. Everyone hated him. Yeah.

So he nailed it. I wonder. He probably lost listeners because of it. Yes, yes, yes. But he was... Which is Holden's dream. Holden, John accomplished what you cannot do. I hate it, and I love it.

I just want you, if you're listening right now, hit pause and let that lead to a full stop. I'm sure there's some shit to do. Take it baby steps. One step at a time. What is wrong with your lumps? They can't't you're not you're not learning anything

you can go on there's so many other podcasts where it's funny and you learn stuff no I will say this is the dumbest podcast that is in the podcast world everybody's talking over each other it's a nightmare to listen to this I agree.

I don't know how they do it. There's so many good ones. Even on our network, there are so many better ones to listen to. I agree. I agree. Jesus Christ. This problem is never going to work, man, because you're so unlikable. It's interesting.

People are like, how much of this can I take? It's full circle. You're like the test your limits. They should just call this podcast test your limits. Test your limits with Holden McNeely. Oh, my goodness. I'm going to fail that test. Unbelievably obnoxious and ugly.

So Holden's moving out of your apartment soon? He is. He's moving out in about 15 days. We're going to get a new roommate in there. Do you know who it's going to be? Not yet. Not yet. This is big news. It is big news. Breaking news. If you going to get a new roommate in there. Do you know who it's going to be yet? Not yet. Not yet. This is big news, man.

It is big news. Breaking news. If you're interested, hit up in on Facebook. It'll be $1,050 a month to live in a room. To live in the size of a closet. It does not matter because it's location, location, location. And it's a great room. So, yeah, if you are interested, if you're a fan, you want to move down to New York City.

There might be shit in the tub. There might not be shit in the tub. There won't be shit in the tub because as far as we know, Henry Zebrowski officially shit in the tub because he admitted to it. We all know it was actually Jackie. 420 friendly. So come on over to my place. Yeah, and live with me. We have Netflix, but I am taking the Roku box.

But they're only $30 if you could show up with one. They're $30? $30 to $40 for Roku. And maybe the Roku box, but they're only $30 if you could show up with one. They're $30? $30 to $40 for a Roku. And maybe the Roku box, when you take it, is broken. Yes! Yes! Get him! It's time for a segment from Old McNeil.

How will you raise the child? Margus adopted a child recently. Yeah. His name's Nilbog. Yeah. Yeah, Goblin backwards. From Goblin 2? From Troll 2.

Troll 2. I'm a big fan. Big fan of that dumbass movie. It's a great movie. You've seen it backwards twice? Yeah. Yeah, it's just called Goblin. I've seen it backwards while it was superimposed.

You just put it on rewind? I superimpose it on top of it going forward, so I watch it backwards and forwards at the same time. Oh, it'd be Lort if it was backwards. He's seen two Lort twice. Yeah, I love two Lort. And he's going to, his kid's name's Nilbog, and we've got to decide how we're gonna raise a child.

We raise a child. A child got nine lives like a cat. No, it has one. It's a child. So we're all gonna explain how we'd raise the child while Ed passes around the fucking vaporizer pipe. Holden. That is secret podcast information. And I can't wait to get ahead of that fucker.

But until I do, I will name how I'll raise a child. Marcus will decide who the other parent, the father or mother of the child that will raise it along with Marcus. You are raising a child with Marcus. We are doing this together. And that's why his first little vacation, we're going to the boneyards. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. A little tiny kid.

Hopefully, we'll see his first steps in the boneyards. It better be a him. If it's a girl, we'll tape a tiny penis to it. Oh, good. Yeah. So it'll definitely be raised a man either way. Can I make the penis myself? You can make the penis yourself out of lambskin?

What are we doing here? Lambskin and chicken bones, probably. Chicken bones, the penis yourself out of lambskin? What are we doing here? Lambskin and chicken bones, probably. Chicken bones, stick it up in the lambskin to make the penis. First of all, it's pretty much a done deal. I'm going to raise a child with you because we're already kind of getting plansy. I'm going to say the first,

let's see, we'll take him, we'll homeschool him, of course. He'll learn everything. Obviously, he'll be religious. We'll homeschool him, of course. He'll learn everything. You know, obviously, he'll be religious. We'll do Satanism and all that good stuff. I mean, I'm cool with that. I'll also raise him fucking. Barnett's coming. I'll raise him to love the sea.

Sorry. Barnett just smoked a baby. And then we'll fucking take him to driving school when he's three. And hopefully we'll get his permit by the time he's six. Are you still talking? I literally haven't been listening for a while. We'll set on fire when he's nine. Kevin.

Great. I literally don't know what he said. What did he say, Mark? Don't worry about it. It's about bones and fire. All right. Yeah. Two of my favorite things.

Well, all right. Well, you know, I forgot about this segment, but you know what? I want, listen, this is the truth. Yeah. We all know the future, uh, in the future warfare is going to be all birds. We all know in the future warfare is going to be all birds. So we're going to have this kid that I raised from his birth. We're going to chain him up, you know, arms and legs strapped to a thing in the middle of a room, which is going to be wall-to-wall birds.

And he just has to deal with these birds fucking fluttering, squawking, and whatever else. Shitting on him. Yeah, shitting on him. The birds are just free in the room. Yeah, the birds are free in the room. But it's like wall-to-wall birds. It's like shoulder-to-shoulder birds.

The birds is fucking, you know. Too many birds. It's way too many birds. The one thing about this room is there's too many birds. In fact, on the outside of the room, it's going to have a label that says too many birds. That's what the room is. And this kid lives in there, and he's going to grow and live in there

for about 20, 25 years, and then we unleash him. He has no language. All he knows... He has no language. All he knows is fluttering, squawk and squawn, and bird shit. That's all he knows.

And he will take over the world at that point. I mean, you could say, yeah, his arms and legs have been chained up for 20 years. They've atrophied, and he doesn't know how to use his motor skills or whatever. But I think just off of the blind rage of being in Too Many Birds, which is the room that he's in, he will be able to control this entire universe, man. He's become so powerful on a mental state. You know what I'm saying? I agree.

Yeah, that's powerful stuff. And a child shall lead them. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. Ben? What is this segment? We're raising a child together.

How are you going to raise it? I've adopted a child. I love you. Don't raise it. I love you. Don't raise it. I love you too. That's the most important thing when raising a child. Love between the two people raising it. That's it?

That's it. Wow. Wow. That's... All right. I mean, there's a powerful message there. Powerful. Marcus has written nothing down.

I love... That's okay Marcus usually takes notes But whenever it goes to you Right He just like puts He's like oh good I can rest my hands for a little bit

Right This nonsense is about to happen No That is right Love I get it man That's right Yeah

So you hug the kid Yeah And you hug him And you hug him And you hug him Yeah that's beautiful man Yeah I want to go to school

No I hug him man I hug him I hug him. Yeah, that's beautiful, man. I want to go to school. No. I hug him, man. I hug him. I hug him. Normal kids are listening to Avril Lavigne, he says. He wants to listen to Avril Lavigne. No. I hug him. So every time

he asks for something, you just hug him. You hug him. A child is best based. A child is best raised on love. Dad, I'm hungry. I'm hungry and haven't had a shower in a month. No, no. Do not. Pause.

Pause. And just know where you are. And know you're loved. So that's how we're going to raise our kid. He's going to end up being a big feminist. Alright, Big Ass Mookie, what you got? Dude, you gotta use your kids to benefit your whole life. Okay.

From an early age, you got a piece of shit? Eddie, hold on. Let's just stop the show and just say, Eddie, that was such a funny joke about how Mookie is fat. I love it when Eddie makes jokes about how fat Mookie is. You got to just feed the kid and feed him and just have him stop. And eventually he'll have a podcast. Or seven.

No, but really, though, you should just train the kid to learn how to crush Vag from the earliest age possible. This way us, as his two dads, can catch some of that residual pussy eventually, you know? That's it? Get him playing the market early on, too, so dads can catch some of that residual pussy eventually, you know. That's it? Get him playing the market early on too so he can make tons of money. So all the girls you can't finish off, this kid can just step in. Yeah. No, the other way around. The kid traps them and then we swoop in.

He gets so many bitches that he has to give a couple to us. So we're raising a child for runoff pussy. Exactly. Why else? Runoff pussy sounds disgusting. It's the grossest thing I've ever heard. Runoff pussy. Marcus, you want to get some of this runoff pussy?

I've been logging her for fucking an hour and a half. She's delirious. Nice to meet you. Just put my hat on. She'll think it's me. Come inside of her. She's hat on. She'll think it's me. There's two sun rays coming inside of her. She's overflowing. She's backed up.

Runoff Pussy reminds me of hot guacamole. For some reason, I don't know why, but you say Runoff Pussy. I just see you standing in the middle of a field with a cowboy hat with one of your miscellaneous Texas friends. And your son is just sitting in the middle of the field like, you see that boy? He's adorable, isn't he? Ten years? Runoff pussy. That's exactly what I'm talking about.

Then y'all fucking high-five and ride horses off into the sunset. You raise him right, there's going to be a lot of runoff. You got to teach the kid to never really finish him off either. Yeah. All right. I'll take it under advis them off either. Yeah. They come your way. All right. All right. I'll take it under advisement.

That's perfect. We're going to raise this kid. We should call this show That's Not Rape. I think maybe. Well, I mean, I feel like you made up. Walter? Rape is a four-letter word. Everyone remember that.

It is, yeah. You know, there is no truer sentence than what you just sentenced. Rape is a four-letter word. Now I've had to say it too. Alright, I actually, I would want us to raise our child very strictly.

With little to no emotional bond from us. He or she, I don't care what the sex is, would know us... What do you mean you don't care? I don't. You hate both of them. Exactly.

And with these, you know, you and I would go about our lives having a blast, doing all the comedy stuff, hanging out. Like nothing ever changed. Yeah, but when we're with the kid, it would be nothing but emotional distance. Yeah. Okay?

Stonewall the fucker. Totally. And we'd send it to boarding school, and they'd come back, and we would have very, very quiet Thanksgivings and stuff like that. But when the kid turned 21, we get to go Willy Wonka his ass and just open up the door to all the funnest things in the whole wide world.

We'll go get him high. We'll go get him drunk. We'll be really cool and be like, oh, man, you're the best. But up until then, just nothing. I mean, that's pretty much how my parents raised me. Same here. Yeah. Awesome.

I mean, I think it's traumatizing Yeah it fucks you up But once again he can go and make podcasts Yeah he'll go do something interesting Normal people, boring people People In the bathtub with mom way too late in life Fun people

Jackie I would Like to take this child and immediately put it in a nest in the top of a very tall tree with not a lot of branches on it. And if it can either learn how to fly or make it down the tree, then we will continue on in raising it.

So when it gets back to our house, which it should figure out. It's Rapunzel. No, no. I mean, we're expecting it to get out of the tree. Yeah, we want it to get out of the tree. So it gets home. Then you get another one.

There's a million of them over there because you know we're going to get it from some kind of over there. We're not getting it here. We want it stronger, better, faster. Jackie, that's the most logical shit you've ever said. I know. But then when we get it home, if it makes it there, we're going to brush it, and then we're going to neuter it.

Brush it like a horse. Sure. Any kind of brushing you want. Okay. And then we're going to glue hair to its sides. Yeah. It doesn't have any And then brush it Yeah

By the time it gets back to the house I imagine it'll have hair Yeah And Then You litter box train it Uh huh We're gonna teach it how to fight

Oh yeah And then What is it gonna fight Humans or Like dogs Anything Okay Probably both

You're talking about a child, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. And after we're done with that, we put a bow on it, we put it in a box, and we send it to Charlie to raise. Mm! Fucking awesome. My brother's great with kids. I know!

Yeah. Yeah. He can raise them. Yeah? Yeah, he's got two kids. He's an awesome father. That'd be so much better. Is he an awesome father to box babies who were abused?

Strengthened. He could be. He could be. And if he doesn't like them, then he can just, you know, throw them to my parents. And they're great with kids like that. You can send it to Texas. Just write Texas on the box. It'll get there eventually.

So hold on. I've got a couple questions before I answer. Maybe I'm willing to answer some of these questions. So me and Marcus have to raise the child together, correct? I mean, there's no rules in segment land, man. There are rules. No, you said we would have to raise it with Marcus.

Now, is it an adopted child from someone else, or is it half one of ours and the other one's taken on the burden? It's an adopted child. Oh, you adopted the kid? I adopted the other one's taken on the burden? It's an adopted child. You adopted the kid? I adopted the kid. Where was the kid from? Where'd the kid come from? Over there. Over there?

We're going to try for Russia. Does it speak English? We don't want Russia. I mean, it's a little tiny kid. If it's a Russian, language develops in a kid. If it's a little tiny kid, language develops in a kid. You guys will teach it whatever language you want. You can't have a Russian kid. Why can't you have a Russian, language develops in a kid. If it's a little tiny kid, language develops in a kid. You guys will teach it whatever language you want. You can't have a Russian kid.

Why can't you have a Russian baby? They literally live the life that Jackie just described jokingly. Yeah, and they're strong as fuck. And you don't fuck with them. I have three adopted Russian cousins. And? They're the worst. They're the worst. Are they the worst?

Because they're strong. And because they're weak. Mentally, just kind of scrambled. So we're getting a rush in then, and if they're the worst, from Walter's advice, I would go ahead and say that let's just train them to work. You know, let's... Good God, Eddie, you're just like your father. Put a trash bag on him, make him run. Yeah, let's use him for what he's got.

What does he bring to the table? Is he strong? Alright, good. He's strong, but he likes poetry. He likes poetry? Well, then we've got to teach him how to dig. Can't read while you're digging. And I'm fucking great at digging.

And I love digging. Sorry, so you'll be on digging. Great. And I'll be on, you know, just like meats. You know, cooking the meats, preparing the meats, slicing up the meats. Sounds like you're going to eat a bunch of meat. There's a child in here. I'm not even talking about feeding the kid the meats.

I think you just want to cook the meat. He'll have some. Yeah. Oh, he'll get a bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The kid will have some of the meats, but, you know, mostly it's for me and Marcus, apparently, because we're living together now. Yeah.

I don't even know how that worked out. So this is the worst one, because it's about raising the child. I mean, that's a problem. So, yeah, no way. Then, yeah, so you teach him how to dig. I'll get him the meats, and then the digging will make him strong, and so will the meat. And so we're going to, you know, he's going to learn how to play some kind of football. And if not, like Jackie said, teach him how to fight.

Russians are good at fighting. Put him in a cage. And this is great. I think Jackie should be involved in this because I agree. Oh, Jackie's the godmother, naturally. At what age do firearms come into play? Never. No.

Never. You make him scared of guns. You put them against his head and you're like, this is going to end your life. I don't understand how this is different than a hostage. He is, right? He's an orphan. Because it loves you. Yeah. Oh, that's right. I forgot orphans got to choose where they go.

No, they're all hostages. Isn't that just childhood in general? It's not exactly wrong. A regular baby is more a hostage than anybody else. Yeah. We were all hostages once. You make a great point. You got to sit there and eat whatever fucking stupid shit they cook for you.

And then you have to say you love them all the time. You don't know that. You have to stay in this prison. So basically, that makes teachers hostage negotiators. It's unbelievable. The whole system's flawed. The whole system's flawed. This whole birth thing is wrong.

Anyway, we get them really strong, and then we sell them to the NFL. Oh, shit. I'm going with Eddie. That's a lot of money. Oh, yeah. That's a ton of money. Meats, digging. I can bond with him while we're digging.

Yeah. Well, you don't need, I mean, don't, I mean, try not to teach him English. I'll try not to teach him English. I'm very good at pantomime. He's like a Furby. And Jackie's, of course, the godmother. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Grunts and winks.

Can we still have the nestlings? I mean, we are going to have to teach him English though because he's going to have to know how to read plays and whatnot. No, those are just X's and O's. Yeah, you just need a fucking body, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you throw your arm to the right. And then he does it.

And if he does it, you smack him in the nose. I'll tell you right now, I'm happy for you guys, man. Right now, I'm happy. Honestly, look, my ex-girlfriend calls it the dude she dated before me played for the Steelers. The Timbers, Lawrence Timbers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it was funny, like, when I first found out about it, and then I heard he had just got, like, a $65 million contract or whatever it was,

my first thought was, damn, I wish I was his dad. Like I'm very like not even like I want to be him or like be an NFL player. If you could just be somebody that rich and famous and good at what they do as father, that would be the best shit in the world. You know, you ever see Unleashed with Bob Hoskins and Jet Li? Oh, yeah, yeah. It don't know no better. It will provide for you no matter how bad you were to it.

You just make it submissive and horrible. You're talking about a child? I'm talking about any human that I own. Oh, I see. I wouldn't do that to my own child because Lord knows I'm going to kill it before it's born. That's fine. It would be your choice to do so, but not. That's a joint choice.

We just did an episode about abortion on the brighter side. Keep on talking. That's great. All right, everyone. I think that's the episode here. It's funny because I love it. And keep all of this in because this is kind of like the after time when Bill Maher's like, go to the internet, you know? That's kind of fun.

So this is our after time, after the show. Can we go now then? Well, I'm going right now. No, we're doing after the show. The show continues. But it's after the show. What are you guys doing after this Oh man I'm gonna fucking scream

Probably gonna have a cigarette And then this is great It's so interesting This is good Jackie Zebrowski, Ed Larson, Marcus Parks That's me Marcus Parks Well technically not

You said it kind of late It wasn't really you That's me. Well, technically not. You said it kind of late, so it wasn't really you. Then you said it was me, too. Kevin Barnett. Mookie, thank you so much for being here. You want to plug anything, Mookie? Just up your mouth? Yeah, you got a new fucking cheese shop opening up? I got a show at Piano's next Sunday.

Cool. Yeah, 19th. It's a great show. And Walter? Actually, yeah. It's the last week, so go and like and help the Kickstarter campaign for Spooners, the web series. Oh, awesome. I didn't even know it existed.

Yeah, it's the last week at the Kickstarter. I'll donate $20. Yeah. So, yeah, go help that show. You're going to donate all your money? No, no, no. I'm going to donate all your money? no no no I'm going to bounce my card that's good

thanks man alright we'll talk to you soon