The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 218: Honk for Zoo

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

This week on Round Table: a boy in Florida is arrested for ejaculating onto a stuffed horse in a Walmart, an American expat in Mexico is killed by his Coca-Cola loving camel, and a Connecticut man is arrested for aggressive mopping. Joining us today: Mike Recine and Micah Sherman!

The round table. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds. Lay down, gentlemen, and let them go watch what? Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table.

What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Yeah, we're good to go. What do you guys want to do? Do you want to do an improv game? What are you talking about? Micah, what are you talking about? Improv us. What?

This whole fucking thing's an improv game. Yeah, what are you doing? All right. It can be very uncomfortable. Okay, well, that's fine. Uncomfortable is good for energy. It can be very uncomfortable. Okay, well, that's fine. Uncomfortable is good for energy.

Everyone close your eyes. It's time for a guided meditation. You're in a spooky ghost house, and your nuts are big and brown. Oh, yeah, that's true. You go to the, it's Halloween. It's time to go to the spooky nut house. I mean, ghost house. Ooh, I'm a ghost. You hear in the distance, you're going to go inspect it.

You walk into a room, there's poopy on the walls. You say, hello, is there a ghost in here? Oh, just recently murdered. Oh, no, I'm so fucking scared of it. And then a guy jumps out with a chainsaw, and you fucking suck his dick. Oh, no. He drops the chainsaw, and he says, now that you've done this for me, this is how you kill the ghost. Don't listen to the man with the chainsaw.

He is a very horny man. And then he says, ah, the only way to kill the ghost is to say the secret words. And you're like, what are the secret words? And then he dies. Wow. And then the fucking ghost sucks your dick. Everyone opens your eyes. It's back

for the round table, gentlemen. We're watching football. Go Noles. Alright, welcome to the roundtable, gentlemen. We're watching football. Go Knolls. All right. Welcome to the roundtable, gentlemen, everybody. I would say the Seminoles, FSU, Florida State University, they won a game against Notre Dame yesterday, but nobody thinks they deserve to win.

What do you mean no one thinks they deserve to win? A lot of bad call. It wasn't a bad call. It was a great call. Yeah. All right. Well, that's all of your opinions. I mean it's just blatant, you know, pass interference.

F L R O I D A S T A T E Florida State, Florida State, Florida State! Woo! Oh yeah! What do you think about that, you fucker? You piece of shit. Do you have a fight song for the dumb college you went to? What was the college again? We didn't have a football team!

Oh, Wisconsin, we eat a lot of cheese. Fucking shit name. Yeah. Welcome to the round table of gentlemen, everybody. Let's see. We're missing Jackie, but she's been replaced. Yeah, good. Mike Racine is here.

It's a pleasure to see you, buddy. I'm Ed Larson. Oh! Oh, Larson. Oh! Oh! Oh! I'm holding Go Knowles McNeely. You didn't even know you were watching

a football game. The worst person to watch football with ever. I was doing the cheer every time, even when we messed up. That is true. That's why I cheer every time, even when we messed up. That is true. That's why I didn't go, man. Ed invited me. He's like, yo, we're watching Ed Kissel's house.

I'm like, nope. I'm going to the car. Sitting next to the whole dude watching shit the whole time. Way too stressful, man. I got real fucking high for it. Yes, you did. So did I. Kevin Barnett. Alright, and Micah So did I. Kevin Barnett.

All right. And we, uh, Micah, Micah Sherman, you're here as well. Shermanators! Shermanators! Oh, man! No! I love it! Sherman! I like this. I'm on board

immediately. This is amazing. Good job. How many Shermanators are you strong right now? Oh, God. One. You got a lady. That's not bad. I have a lady.

Two. Two. Yeah, man. I'm a Shermanator. Yeah, the Shermanators, man, they find the eggs. They find the eggs? Yeah, the sherm. Sherm?

Like sperm. I don't know. I'm trying to help you out. Oh, thanks. All right. Nobody's a Shermanator that doesn't exist and it never will exist. Do not make a Facebook page about it. Do not reference Micah Sherman in your Facebook page.

If you do. He's a three-time nominee for round table of the year. It does. Don't make a Facebook page called the Sherman is about Micah Sherman and how he's like cooler than a Holdenator. A Seminole is a Native American. That is fine. All right, Marcus.

What's a news story? A Florida man today took a stuffed animal off a Walmart shelf. No, literally, what is a news story? I've never been to this earth before. A Florida man today took a stuffed animal off a Walmart shelf and then used the toy to masturbate before returning the ejaculate-covered item to a store shelf. What's wrong with that, man?

He put it back. Yeah? I think if you come on it, you have to buy it. It's like if you broke it. If you come on it, you gotta buy it. If you come or break it, you gotta buy it. But how many things in a store? Is it Walmart?

That's Walmart. How many things in Walmart aren't cum-dumb? Most things. It's just great to be white, though, you know? Nobody shot him or anything? No. That's what your life is like when you're white. You just get to come on stuffed horses willy-nilly.

Good point. Damn, man. I knew it was great. Yeah, Mike, keep it down in front of Kevin. We don't want to expose all of the wonderful privileges we do get. Hey, man, you know what? It's fine, old man. I'm just a dreamer.

The repulsive episode occurred around 3 p.m. at a Walmart in Brooksville. Repulsive episode. What's that? Keep your opinions out of the story. Yeah, where is true journalism? It's a smoking gun. How many episodes are in this series, by the way? Of which one?

This. Around Timber? No. This is a repulsive episode? Oh, yes. I want to see more episodes. Well, sometimes he just goes and cuddles a steak and puts that back. That's sort of a sensitive one.

Happened around 3 p.m. at a Walmart in Brooksville. According to a police report, Sean Johnson, 19, selected a brown, tan, and red stuffed horse from the clearance show. Selected? Like he's a businessman who went to Thailand. Yes. What choice should I have today? Ah, yes.

Inanimate objects that I will force to see my dick. Yes. Well, no, that's the thing, though, man. Like, whichever kid picked out that one after him should feel special because they know it's the best one. That's how they find kids who are ready to have, you know, be victims. Yeah, sure.

The ones who pick the cum-covered stuffed animals. Yeah. Those are the ones. Is that racist? That was tasteless. Tasteless. Oh, my God. All right. Are we still here? Mike Rac racist? That was tasteless. Oh my god! Alright, are we still here? Mike Racine

just called somebody tasteless. Eddie! What? You need to apologize. I don't even know why. Who do I apologize to? I apologize to Mike in America. America. The world. Listen everybody, I didn't mean it. Racine, you can't be calling you tasteless!

I mean, it was just like something that happened and I said and I didn't mean it and Mike's right and thank you Mike for calling me out and like exposing the bad person I am yes I mean his morals are on par with a White Castle burger when it comes to taste I mean absolutely it's disgusting Eddie good work

I'm sorry guys I want that wet horse let me introduce you to my priest buddy. There had to be a Native American named Wet Horse at some point. My thing is, didn't we all, when we were younger and we were exploring, we rubbed ourselves on stuffed animals? Absolutely. He's not young, though, this guy.

How old is he? He's 19. Oh, he could be a little behind. Yeah, you took the stuffed horse on the clearance shelf in the garden apartment. He then went to the... The clearance shelf? You're complaining? That's not even a hot toy.

Right. He then went to the comforter aisle. This guy has low self-esteem. Yeah, yeah. I mean, he looks like a fucking... He wishes he was a drug addict. Did you say it was in the garden aisle? It was in the garden aisle, yeah.

And then he went to the comforter aisle. He went to the comforter aisle in the housewares section, proceeded to pull out his genitals. The comforter aisle in the housewares section. What is happening in this Walmart? Get some organization. He then proceeded to pull out his genitals and, quote, proceeded to hump the stuffed

horse, utilizing short, fast movements. Well, that's his problem. You don't need to pull out all your genitals to do this. You can just pull out one genital. Just the tip, baby. Yeah, that's it. The LUDAC was captured by surveillance cameras, and after Johnson achieved an orgasm and ejaculated on the stuffed horse's chest area,

he ejaculated on the stuffed horse's chest area, he placed the soiled stuffed horse on the stuffed horse's chest area. Ejaculated on the stuffed horse's chest area, he placed the soiled stuffed horse on the top of a bed in a bag comforter set, contaminating that property also. Oh, man, that's like $30, $35. Yeah, I think he should have went back to the garden center. Yeah.

Put it in the dirt. If you're going to jerk off in public, do it outdoors. In the garden center. Right. Technically outdoors. Is a porch outdoors? Yes. Unless it's a glassed porch. Yeah, if it's a glassed enclosure,

then it's no longer outdoors. No, that's a sunroom, which is indoors. If the movie Toy Story is true and we have to believe that it is, this poor horse doll has the worst life in toy history. Bumped down to Clarence and then raped and came upon and left on a random bed. Toy Story 8 has to happen. The horror movie? Like, Toy Story 8 is just a brutal fucking murder slasher flick.

Oh, man. It's just all the toys that have cum on them. Toys with cum on them story. It's like True Detective. But this is a sexual fetish, though, isn't this? People who just come on random dolls and things like that and stuffed animals. Yeah, well, it's called waifu. Waifu?

Waifu. Waifu pillows. These are people. Yeah, yeah. Waifus, they're people that have sexual and emotional relationships. He spelled waifu? W-A-I-F-U. Japanese.

Oh, so it's Japanese. Japanese. I knew it. I saw a documentary about a guy who had a relationship with his Volkswagen Beetle. Is that right? Yeah. These are people, they have these pillows that are made up to look like anime or game characters. Right.

And they have emotional and sexual relationships with them. You can even see pictures in Japan of men taking their waifus out to have dinner with them. Right. And do you have to buy the waifu dinner? Or do they just get to sit there and take a seat? If you want to take it all the way, you can buy it dinner. I think you have to. Yeah. If I ran a restaurant, I would allow people to come in,

but you have to buy it something. See, aren't you always, when you have sex with it, raping it? Because it can never consent. It's a pillow. But it can never say no. Yeah. How do you have sex with mutes? That show you their tits and they give you a thumbs up yeah they point at their pussies fuck I need to meet a mute they do it they give the no no no sign they point at their ass and they give a thumbs up. You're going to brown town.

Alright, alright. You're one crazy mute. I gotta love the Catholic mute. This guy in a written statement said quote, I did unmentionables to a stuffed animal. Noting that he committed a horrible act. Oh, come on, horse being those words that big?

Yeah, that's it. He said, he added, I need to think before what I do. I'm extremely sorry. He's mentally, like, inferior, right? Look at the picture of this guy right here. Oh, yeah. Ooh, it's tough to say, actually. No, he's slope-eyed. Yeah, he's, yeah. Ooh, it's tough to say, actually. No, he's slope-eyed.

Yeah, he's... That's the type of dude that likes to steal rollerblades and shit. But he's never lost it. He's good at it, so he's all cut up. Or he could have been dating someone for like three weeks who was way hotter than him, and then she broke up with him and he just had an emotional breakdown and fucked a horse in Walmart. It's possible. He seems like he's been arrested for breakdown and fucked a horse in Walmart. It's possible. He seems like he's been arrested for slashing tires.

Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yep, he was charged with indecent exposure and criminal mischief. Real low bail, though. Only $1,500. But I feel like no one caught him while he was doing it, right? He got to walk out of the Walmart scot-free. He made it all the way out of the Walmart.

If nobody saw him doing it, except for the people on the surveillance cameras, fuck them. It didn't happen. Well, no, it's on the camera. Well, there's a cum-covered animal. Right, there is a cum-covered doll. So you go and you take it out, but nobody was like, there wasn't a complaint. Kevin said it right. His big mistake was putting the thing, contaminating the other object, the non-clearance comforter object,

that probably cost quite a bit of money. If you would have walked up to the counter and paid for it like a man. It'd be fine. But he probably can't pay for it. That fucking loser. It's possible. He looks like someone from Jacksonville. Where's he from? Tampa.

Tampa has the highest suicide rate in the country. Actually, he's from Brooksville, 50 miles north of Tampa. Oh, that's worse. Well, if you work at Walmart, I don't think you get paid enough to tackle a guy fucking a plastic horse.

No, you definitely don't, and you let him finish up. But you get paid enough to beat one up. That's because it's just... It'd be fun, yeah, go to the machete aisle you have there, where you get to beat up customers who come on horses. That's why I love this job. You'd be surprised how many there are.

Do you think someone walked up on him and was just like, oh, nope? Or do you think he was just, I mean, it has to have happened. This is the beauty of Walmart. Walmarts are just little cities now. There's somebody shopping for meat. There's somebody in the camping section. Somebody is taking their kid for the first time hunting, buying a gun. And then, you know, 15 feet over, somebody's coming on a goddamn horse.

I mean, it's really just a whole little world in Walmart nowadays. Yeah, I used to go there to hang out. I would love to see the overhead shot of it where a mother is just like, oh, do you want that new dollhouse, honey? And then, like, another guy, like, licking a fucking gun. And then a dude just fucking a horse. This was 3 p.m. on a Thursday. And nobody saw him. They definitely saw him. You think so? People saw him. Without a doubt.

Memories were created. Some good, some bad. I'm just happy somebody wanted this fucking discount horse. That's kind of nice for the horse itself, I suppose. One time me and my buddy went to a Walmart, hammered, 18 years old. Right. Bought a gun

at 4 in the morning. They sold it to you? They sold us a rifle, a.22 rifle. Hammered. We were 18, blatantly hammered. And they sold us a.22 rifle. Good God. That's incredible. What'd you do with it? You went and shot it in the woods.

What the fuck else are you gonna do with it? How much did shot it in the woods What the fuck else are you going to do with it? How much did you laugh? Oh the whole hours Days I think months even Lord knows what happened to that gun That gun's a reckless beast these days You don't know where the gun went? It wasn't my gun

I didn't buy it My buddy bought it But I don't think he has it anymore I don't know. Who knows? No. Well, I'm sure everything is fine with your friend and everyone who has been in contact with that gun. All right, Marcus.

Next news story. We've actually got some, let me see here, some parrot news. Oh, shit. Yeah. And in fact, it is African grey news. Oh, wow. This is amazing. I had a feeling. An African grey parrot that spoke with a British accent

when it disappeared from its home four years ago has been reunited with its owner and the bird now speaks Spanish. Where did it go? They don't know I'm sure no one taught the birds Spanish either He was just out there in the streets like yo I gotta diversify If I'm gonna sell some of this crack

I gotta learn Spanish That's the sad thing is like I'm bad at British accents And I don't know Spanish Is this parrot smarter than me? Yes Are parrots smarter than humans? I could never learn Spanish. No, I mean, parrots, I mean, they're mimics.

They know how to do it, pretty much anything. That's what's happened in this country. Our parrots don't even speak English anymore. That's a good point, Mike. The reunion was brought about by a Southern California veterinarian who mistook Nigel, an African gray parrot, for her own missing bird. Teresa Miko tracked Nigel's microchip to Darren Chick, a Brit who lives in Torrance. Miko told the newspaper, I introduced myself and said, have you lost a bird?

He initially said no, but he thought I meant recently when she verified Chick's name and said she had his African gray parrot. He looked at me like I was crazy. He said his bird went missing four years earlier. Little is known about Nigel's whereabouts the past four years, but Chick says the bird's Wow. Is he sure it's the same bird? Sure. It's got a microchip in its foot.

Oh, wow. Yeah, because, you know, as we know, African greys are quite expensive. Does it remember all the English shit or no? It remembers nothing of the English years. It only speaks Spanish. It's like a Pixar movie. So parrots are stupid. It only took him four years to forget an entire language.

Yeah, and a whole life. No family that loved him. Maybe he's just inconsiderate and smart. You probably don't want to talk to my nigs, man. Stupid parrots. Yeah, man, he doesn't want anything to do with him yeah in fact uh chick says last week's reunion brought tears of joy to his eyes despite the fact that nigel bit him when he first tried to pick him up that's fine is it the same bird it is the same bird it's microchipped you don't take a microchip

out of one bird and put it into another bird this bird has? This bird has seen, this is a Pixar movie. This is a Disney movie. This is Fievel Goes West. I mean, this bird had a life, had an experience. They need to get an interpreter. What's he saying in Spanish? I have no idea. The horrors, the horrors that he's seen. Apparently what he's been saying in Spanish is, now this is interesting.

What happened? What happened? What happened? Really happened? What happened? Really? Yeah. That's what he keeps saying in Spanish over and over. He said he was barking like the dogs. I'm from Panama.

And he was saying, what happened in Spanish? So he just, that's a woman looking over her dead husband who has a knife in his fucking skull. Being like, what happened? What happened? The horrors. This poor African girl. We've heard this story before. Yes. We've heard this story before. Yes, put him on the stand.

Over and over again. I don't trust the bird. Why not? I think he's lying. What do you feel about that, Kevin? Well, Holden just said that he doesn't trust the bird. It makes a lot of sense

because there are a lot of birds that do eat lizards. So I understand. Yeah, that's right. He's coming from that. Deceitful to the lizard since day one. All right?

Go to the Galapagos Islands. See the lies the birds tell the lizards. But yet the birds and the lizards were merged for Jurassic Park. Yeah, it made a blizzard. Huh? You fucking idiot. Good point, Holden. Good point about Eddie being a fucking idiot.

I loved it. Marcus, what did you think when Holden said Eddie was a fucking idiot? I liked it. You liked it? Kevin, your thoughts on it? It was a crazy twist. Pretty funny Mike you agreed. I liked it. And Micah? Two thumbs up. Two thumbs up. Alright Eddie. Funny sentence Holden. Go gnolls. I give that one to the gnolls right there. I love how it's followed up by you fucking idiot. Yep you fucking idiot. You fucking idiot? Perfect.

So when these birds mimic, do they have any emotional attachment to the words that they're saying? No, I don't believe so. I think it's just a response that they have. I don't think birds have emotions. Parrot emotions. Let's check it out. Let's check it out. They get depressed. They must, right?

Everything has emotions. They peck themselves to death. Racine, you're Italian. You even have emotions. Right. One would say maybe too many. I heard this video of a guy fucking a chicken recently, and it sounded like the chicken was, like, crying, you know,

as the guy was fucking it. And so the chicken was happy and coming. No, it was, like, upset. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, usually, I know you don't understand this from your situations, but usually when the woman is crying, it's bad. It's bad. Huh. Well, I think

that chickens can feel pain like getting fucked by a guy in a video. Right, right, right. Yeah, but I don't think the chicken was like this, I'm going to remember this for so long. Is the chicken aware it's on camera? Well, that was John Waters' argument in in pink flamingos when he had a chicken fuck to death on camera He said the chicken was a star and they also ate the chicken so

Well, according to avian enrichment calm no this is biased yes Well, according to avianenrichment.com. No, this is biased. Yes. This is totally biased. They can express love. Nope. As expressed by their eagerness to be close to their chosen one, desire to be touched,

excitement when you enter the room and through their contact calls. Because they have food. They can feel fear, primal emotion common to all animals that in birds triggers an automatic defensive behavior. They can do joy, loneliness, boredom, grief. What about favors? They do favors? They do favors? They do no favors. Birds do no favors for anyone.

Anger and distrust. Jealousy. Many things. A parent often as depressed or listless when its owner or mate dies. But doesn't a bird generally feel joy at its ability to fly? Truly, it does. It must. All right. How about lizards? Do lizards feel it on their tail? at its ability to fly? Truly, it does. It must.

All right. How about lizards? Do lizards feel emotions? No, lizards feel no. Oh, no. Well, lizards feel greed and hate. These are kind of sub-motions, is how I like to refer to them as. Sub-motions.

I mean, think about every reptile supervillain. They fucking all rule. Yeah, the lizard. And they'reain. They fucking all rule. Yeah. And they're mean. That's right, they are. All right. Very funny still about what you said about Ed being dumb. You are welcome.

But let's move on to another story. Next news story. The American owner of a wildlife park in the Mexican resort of Tulum died after being kicked, bitten, and sat on by a camel. Wow. Rescuers had to use... Who would have thought it would be the camel that got him? In Mexico. Rescuers had to use a rope tied to a pickup truck to pull the enraged camel off the body of Richard Molesky of Chicago.

Molesky, tough name. Tough name, Molesky. Yeah, I'm gonna move down to Mexico, shop me a farm. Molesky's the kind of guy you want around when you have a flat tire. He's gonna fix it in two seconds.

The Tulum civil defense official Alberto Canto said, the camel kicked and bit him practically to death, and when he was almost dead, he sat on him. Between the blows and the weight of the camel on top of him, he was asphyxiated. He said it was still unclear why the animal attacked Molesky, and authorities were sorting through a number of versions, including one that the animal was angry for not getting a soft drink.

Cantos said one version is that the victim would always give the camel a Coca-Cola to drink, and apparently that day he didn't give him Coca-Cola, which enraged the camel to the point of biting the man to death and then sitting on him, refusing to get up. Molesky? Molesky. Molesky from Chicago? Molesky. Molesky? Molesky. Molesky from Chicago? Molesky.

Molesky? Molesky. Camels like Coca-Cola, I tell you that right now, as much as I like sausage on a barbie. Sir, I'd like to buy some of your snake oil. And this guy had been... This guy's just trying to feed his family, you know, opening a zoo down in Mexico. He'd been caring for this camel for 15 years, giving it coke every day for 15 years.

Why did he give it coke today? No one knows. Maybe the coke guy didn't show up. What's that? You're all out of coke? Shouldn't be a problem. Now does anybody want to link these two stories, the parrot saying what happened, speak Spanish to this man at the zoo getting

murdered by the camel? Can't we say that the parrot Spanish, to this man at the zoo getting murdered by the camel. Can't we say that the parrot was kept by this man in his zoo as a parrot, saw the incident, what happened, what happened, returned. Too much for the parrot. You could say that, yes, I agree. And that would be a very traumatic event for the parrot to have to see, a man getting sat on by a camel. I think it's also one of the funnier ways to die. I would

hate to die being sat on by a camel because no one has sympathy for you whatsoever. The first question is, what'd you do to the camel? And in this situation, didn't fucking give the camel what the camel wanted. What the camel needed. What the camel came to expect. That's right.

If you're not going to give a camel a coke every single day, don't even start. That's why I don't hug my children. Coke cool doesn't go... Coke cool is not for animals. Coke cool is fine. It could be. This guy had a huge menagerie going.

He said that Mexico's Attorney General Office for Environmental Protection said that there were 13 spider monkeys, six deer, two emus, two llamas, and a wild boar being kept at the sanctuary. What a fucking shitty zoo. I don't know. Wild boar would be fun to throw beer cans at.

I don't know if you were allowed to do that, but you probably could. Do boars eat beer cans? Probably. Yeah. I know they drink beer. Put a bunch of raw meat in them and they'll eat it. Did I ever tell you

guys about the time I went to zoo in North Carolina? No. So I'm driving to the beach and there's a peeling sign that says zoo on it on the side of the road. Just zoo? Just zoo. That's it. It just says zoo and the paint's peeling of the road. Just zoo. Just zoo.

That's it. It just says zoo and the paint's peeling and it's made of wood. No lights. No nothing. Yeah. And you drive a little further and then there's a picture. There's a, there's a sign that says zoo and it doesn't tell you where to go either.

There's a lion on this one. Yeah. I got to go to zoo. And then there's a sign that says zoo with an arrow pointing straight ahead. And I'm like, yeah, I got to go to zoo. And then there's a sign that says zoo with an arrow pointing straight ahead. And I'm like, yeah, we got to go to zoo. Then there's a sign that says zoo and there's an arrow pointing left. So we go that way. And there's a bunch of little signs in this sort of like neighborhood that says zoo this way, zoo that way.

And we drove into this like circular with a double-wide trailer, and there's a sign that says honk for zoo. He's running for U.S. Senate, if you would. So we honked for zoo. This enormous woman in a muumuu comes out and goes y'all here for zoo and i was like yeah we here for zoo and uh she goes it's five dollars to see zoo you got it and uh we give her five dollars each and she opens up this wooden fence, and we walk back, and there's like tigers and lions and bears. Oh, my God.

Where is this? North Carolina? Yeah. It's shut down now. I did a bunch of research on it. It was in Bolivia, North Carolina. Bolivia? Bolivia.

Oh, all right. Of course. So then she goes, you want to see me feed the lion? And I was like, fuck yeah, I do. And there was a fold-out table covered in expired bread products and little Debbie snacks. It's the Faircloth Exotic Animal Zoo. Wow. And she unwraps a ho-ho and calls the lion over and like throws it into its mouth.

And she's like, well, y'all have a good time and closes the gate. And then we're just supposed to walk through. And there was like llamas and emus and big birds all caged. There was like a petting zoo area with like a little lamb whose eyeballs were all the wrong way. It was like... Essentially like, take me out of here. Jesus Christ.

There was like a dried up lake bed with a Russian boar in it. R-U-S-H-I-N. Like a Russian around boar in it. R-U-S-H-I-N. Like a Russian around boar. And a bunch of car parts. Wow. And we walk through for there's an RC. It's like Bebop and Rocksteady.

Bebop and Rocksteady from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Do they come from a zoo like that? No, they like to be around car parts though. Oh yeah. That's a good point, Ben. Thank you. That is a good point. We all know those boars love them tank tops,

man. Can't get enough of them. Yeah, so we walked through for about a half an hour, and then we walked through this fence, and we were back at our car, and it said, thanks for coming to zoo. That's cool, man. What are you discovering over there, Marcus? I'm discovering pictures of the Faircloth Zoo.

Oh, yeah. Is that it? Oh, yeah. Yeah, wow. Oh, yeah. There's the dumb fuck. It's all these animals. Is it grist?

The ladies. Take cups against bars. I know. They got the worst life. Oh, a skinny lion. I never want to see a skinny lion. Oh, so I did research on it a couple weeks ago because I was going to do it on stage. Pigs.

There's pigs. Yeah, those are super. They got a raccoon. Feed the pigs to the lions. There's a raccoon. A picture of a raccoon above a tiger. Why are they even on the same page? We got raccoons and tigers.

We got both kinds of animals. Some zoos. Well, it got shut down because the guy, it was run by a married couple, and the guy, like, raped a bunch of people. Or, like, was accused of doing, like, raping people that came to the zoo. Well, then that story got different there because we were talking about animals. And then that was a man who raped a bunch of people. They got divorced and then they ran out of money and it shut down in 2006.

And in 2011, the lady is still holding on to the bear like, hey, does anybody want a 600-pound bear? Because I can't seem to get this thing off my hands. And I made a mistake 10 years ago. Yeah, it's like getting a private jet, you know? It's hard to get rid of that. Maybe he's the guy who broke into Walmart and came all over that stuff, Taurus. Who knows? That is sad.

Yeah, it was sad. Sad story. And I couldn't believe it was real. I was like, this can't be real. That's so much fun now. So what'd you do when you left? Did you guys report it or no? I went back a second time.

Yeah, you got to. With different people. Got to. Did she recognize you the second time? Of course not. Why would she? She's drunk. Yeah, there's probably a lot of visitors coming in and out of zoo every day.

You know it. At no time did the article Z come into play when she was talking about zoo. Never. Online it's referred to as the Faircloth Exotic Animal Zoo. They nailed it with the animals.

She said, are you here for zoo? Y'all here for zoo. Her words exactly. Yeah. Oh, I love that. What do you think about, Racine, would you go to zoo? Would you go off the road and? Yeah, probably.

Why not? Yeah, I think you've got to go to zoo. I mean, I would assume that they would dress you up as an animal and then rape you and rape you and rape you and then you'd be dead in two weeks. That's what I would think would happen if you see a sign that says zoo like with an arrow. Yeah, I mean it's pretty much like every horror movie possible.

I feel like your story has a happy ending because you found a zoo. Because normally you would get... If you just see the word zoo and then an arrow, never follow it. Like you walk in and it's just a bunch of people in bear costumes with matted

fur. I was thinking you see the tiger you see the bear and then you get to the end and you're like, huh what's this cage? And it's just a bunch of people in there. They're all ball gagged and stuff and then you turn around and thunk like you're hitting the head with a hammer and then you're now in zoo. Because it seems

like a bunch of sort of like mentally inferior people. I also read online that they opened before they were allowed to. And the problem wasn't that they had all these animals, which they clearly couldn't care for. Right. It was that their bathrooms weren't up to code. The whole place is a bathroom. It's a zoo. They opened by just putting up these signs all over the highway.

They just went. Like, they didn't. I guess. Aren't you supposed to take out ad space? That's what got people to the Corn Palace in South Dakota. You know, I think this is literally like the plot to a Goosebumps episode. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

This is exact. There was something where there was like a zoo or something that was like mad vague. And they eventually turned the people into animals or something like that. Yeah, exactly. You might have went into that. It might have been you got lucky, man. I love this idea. $5 is a good deal, though, for that.

Oh, it was a great deal for zoo, yeah. I mean, I don't know the last time I saw a raccoon. I'd pay $5 for that. To see a raccoon? Why not? A lot of people pay significantly more not to see raccoons. You get to see it in captivity. You get to see it suffering in captivity. Yeah, which is

arguably better. Oh, yeah. You don't want to see happy animals roaming. Right. Especially raccoons or possums. If I want to see a possum, I want to see it wrapped up in a net. Screaming and fucking flailing its little stupid arms. I fucking hate possums, man. I know you do. Marcus, what's going on?

Oh, I found a story from 2007, which said that two puppies had gone missing in this area, and a lot of animals were just kind of going missing. Near a zoo. Yeah, near a zoo, and many suggested that the predator that was roaming around the area had escaped from Faircloth Zoo. Whoa.

Whoa. Very interesting. And that was the male rapist? They said it was either a panther, a cougar, a larger-than-normal bobcat, a black bear, or even a wolf. Very cool. They had no clue. They had no fucking clue.

But they said that the zoo shut down in like around 2006. Does that sound about right? Yeah. And they don't know what happened to a lot of the animals, so it might have just been turned loose out in North Carolina. So there's a lion in North Carolina right now just running around. Could be. Very cool.

That's what happens in South Florida, man. They just release those animals. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What else can you do? Isn't it like the fucking, I think like a lot of the Everglades and some other just like forested parts are just full of chimpanzees just running around just ripping shit to shreds. Oh, I love it.

That's why they always keep an extra bread loaf on me. You know, just to throw it at them. Is that why you keep that bread loaf on you? Yeah, it's not to eat. I know like iguanas aren't native to Florida, but they're everywhere down there. And they grow to like six feet long. My neighbor had his leg like snapped. Like one snapped

his leg. Like they can put their tails at you and just snap this, like completely just broke his... Yeah, iguanas are mean-ass bitches. Yeah, man. Okay, who wins in a fight? An iguana that's six feet long or like the alpha male swan? Is the alpha male swan drunk?

Oh, yeah, the iguana. The swan's got the long neck. Very vulnerable. Yeah. But they got those crazy baseball bat wings. Yeah, that's true. And also, swans are fucking gay. They do ballet and shit.

I hate them. Yeah, but gays can fight. Yeah, gays will fuck your ass up, Mike. You piece of sh... Yeah, there are a lot of gay fighters out there. All right, Marcus, what's another news story? The high school junior who allegedly had a threesome with two of his teachers is overcome with guilt after he says his bragging ruined their lives.

Yeah, I heard about this story, man. He really just should have kept this mouth shut. What a jackass. There's so many people that have so many awesome, I had a threesome with two teacher stories that they took to the grave. You know, they only told people, wait a decade. How many people have that story?

A lot of people, man. I roughed up a couple of teachers myself. You roughed them up? I sucked their threesome. They were dry. Their balls were drained. Scroll up so we can see them. Yeah, they're hot.

That's such a bummer. The teachers are very attractive. They're so hot and great. I want to give them a fucking award. They got to go to jail. Wow. Yeah. What's this kid look like?

You don't know what he looks like because he's a minor. He's got a smoothing book. We don't even know what his name is. He was 16 when it happened. The perfect age. Are they being charged with statutory rape? Yeah, the worst. And they're also being charged with another law that in Louisiana, the age of consent is 17,

but he was 16 at the time. They're also being charged because it's illegal for a teacher to have sex with a student under the age of 20. Wow. Get out of here. One of them was married. Wait, so if you stay back like four years, you still can't fuck your teacher? Yeah!

Does this count for college students or only high school students? Only high school. It's probably like their student. They can't bang if he's under 20. If you're an 18-year-old high school sophomore, the whole point of that is to fuck your teacher. In defense of the system. In defense of the system. In defense of the system.

I want to know who... But obviously you're going to brag about something like that, but I want to know who told on this kid. He told, but he's the one who... He bragged. He bragged. He bragged. Which of his friends told? He bragged.

Who was the one that was like, oh, I got to call the cops about this. I think he just got out of control, man. The whole school was just buzzing. His friends told their friends, and their friends told their friends, and then it gotta call the cops about this. I think he just got out of control, man. The whole school was just buzzing. His friends told their friends and their friends told their friends and then it got to the fucking nerd and the nerd told him. And the nerd ruined it. And there wasn't any around to punch him to death.

Why nerds should be silenced? Rip off all nerds' lips. And that's their mug shell. Why didn't he just go to the teachers and be like, why didn't he just go to the teachers and be like, uh, this didn't happen, right? This is such a bummer. Let's say this didn't happen. Because the teachers and be like, why didn't he just go to the teachers and be like, this didn't happen, right? This is such a bummer. Let's say this didn't happen.

Because he wanted it to be happening. Because he wanted everybody to know he's a fucking idiot. Yeah, exactly. He's still saying he feels guilty. He should have been like, this never happened. I was just being an asshole. I was just trying to, yeah. Of course, look at these teachers.

I think they, yeah, that's a good idea. Yeah. There's no way they're going to take his word. Hand it up. You can't make your, you can't take your word back, and they have a lot of communication together. Also, I feel like a kid. They're in jail. I don't think a woman can rape a man.

I'm just going to say that. Marcus has been lying to this race. That's not a conversation for this show. But Mike, let everyone know this is a show. Mike does not think that a woman can rape a man. What if she takes a dildo to his asshole? Yeah, that's probably rape. You know what? I actually agree.

I don't think a woman can rape a man. Oh, that's hot stuff. Yeah, Ben, I'll edit that out later. No worries. No, I like that. I actually like it. It's his tagline, hot stuff. He's just trying to work it in somehow. I mean, I'll edit that out later. No worries. No, I like that. I actually like it. It's his tagline, hot stuff. He's just trying to work it in somehow. It's his thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, I think, you know. It's comedy. What, is she going to force your dick hard? Yeah, she can. Yeah, I've gotten hard for lots of stuff I hate. Really? Yeah. Yeah.

I've definitely gotten hard times I wish I wasn't hard. Yeah. All the time. Oh, man. All of a sudden, you're shooting on a dog at midnight and a full moon. I'm sorry? Charge that dog. Send that dog to jail.

Yeah, Mike. Who's going to police the police? Who watches the Watchmen, Mike? Good point, Holden, and I think everyone's following it. That is ideal. But, no, I mean, the male erection is out of our control. You know what, though? I mean, honestly, I feel like consent should be like 16 for males, 18 for girls.

Yeah, it's impossible. It's just like there's no... This kid, he wanted to fuck those... He had the best time of his life. There's nothing wrong with this kid. And I had a fucking threesome with two hot-ass teachers. There's no higher you can go his life. There's nothing wrong with this kid. This kid is great. There's no higher you can go in life. Exactly.

They say if his life is ruined, his life is only ruined because he's peaked. He ruined their lives. He's still holding on to the pride of being like, I did it. I ruined their fucking lives. Do you know how much pussy this kid's getting around this school? Every girl in school is fucking this kid. One teacher is amazing. Yeah, sometimes you all see a picture of the women who did it, and they're like dumpy-ass broads, right?

Hot as fuck chicks. In this situation, they're obviously smoking. They shouldn't be allowed to teach. You shouldn't not allow women to have hot tits. What about ugly teachers from now on? Only high school students should be hot. Yeah, exactly. He probably had like a peach fuzz mustache or something.

Oh, my God. Yeah, but they love it because it feels good on the clit. He probably had like a good job at ShopRite or whatever. He was probably deaf. Yeah. I probably saw him doing like upside down like push-ups, you know. Oh, my God. Stupid shit like that.

Football player. That means they were probably dyking out. Football player? Yeah. They were probably dyking out with each other too, right? Oh, yeah. That's what that. Football player. That means they were probably dyking out. Yeah. They were probably dyking out with each other too, right? Oh yeah. It was a beautiful night.

Oh my god. Magic evening. I'm actually sad. Yeah, this story is really upsetting. I gotta go to the spa. That shit is never gonna happen for us. No.

It's already too it's been too late. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night.

Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night. Good night.

But yeah, this kid's great. Yeah. I mean, it's just too late. Good night, Mike. Good night, Christine. Everybody, thanks for being here. But yeah, this kid's great. I mean, it's just a shame. And the grandfather's coming out in defense of him. Well, the grandfather made a statement to the Daily Mail, and he said he's really down about it right now. All boys that age want to brag about what they're doing. He didn't expect it would come to this. Yeah, what's his problem?

But that also shows that he's a child, which also makes both of these women pedophiles. Because the male is obviously not aware he's a boy. No, that's a lesson he hadn't learned that lesson yet. Sadly, he learned it on these women. But that doesn't mean that he, I don't know. I mean, you know, rape, rape. Oh, we're all rapists, you know. But still, I feel like you've come to a point where it's like, ah, this wasn't rapey.

These women should be like, where did this happen? I don't know if these women need to be teaching, though. At school, at home. It happened at a home after a football game. Did scientists? God damn it. How old are the women, Marcus? Yes, great.

Are you serious? Marcus, how old are the girls? This has happened like three times in history. This is the only one we've heard of. Yeah, this happened at one of the women's apartments after a high school football game. How old are the women? You are geeked, man. One of them is 32.

The other is 24. I'm sorry. 32, and you're banging a 16-year-old? Look at her, though. I don't know. I feel like I'm surprised at you, man. I'm offended that you feel this way. I'm just saying, dude, it seems a little bit strange for this woman.

What's wrong with her? If these women were men, they should be shot in the head. Yeah. But these women are women and so they should be fucking free. Given an award. Yeah. 30 years old. We're being feminist here.

She got drunk. She was with her friend. Which one was already having the affair with him, though? Because I thought it was one was having an affair with him. The other one joined in on this session, particularly.

Wow. See, I didn't know that detail about it. I thought that's what I read. They were both having it separately, and then they found out that they both were. Oh, that's... Oh, my God.

That escalated. Didn't they just have to wait eight months until he was 17? Something like that. How so? Just hold on. No, no, no. They would have had to wait three years because he was a student. North Carolina.

Yeah, but it's a different. How big is the 16-year-old's penis erect? Seven and a half inches. At least. Oh, man. Enough for two women. Where did you get that fact from, Marcus? What's that?

Where did you get that fact from? From the internet. Yeah, from online. Seven and a half inches. I think he's going to show a picture of his penis. Yeah. If we looked at it, we'd get arrested. Now we're the fucking bad guys.

We're trying to look at this guy's penis. Oh, good point. Nightmare. We're living in a fucking police state. What type of world is this, man? Whole thing's falling apart. Dude, he's 16, man. Man, he's...

That's old, man. That's an old-ass dude. Yeah. Man, everybody's a loser and a winner in this story. If you can get a job, you should be able to have a threesome with two teachers. The kid is great. Right, the kid is no... Yeah, there's no consequence for the kid. He just got a job. He should be able to have a threesome with two teachers. The kid is great. Yeah. Right. The kid is no one. Yeah. There's no consequence for the kid.

He just got a threesome with two hot teachers. No, he's a jerk for telling everybody. And then he got fired. So now he doesn't have to. There's no way that he wouldn't. I mean, he's 16. There's no way he wouldn't. You're definitely in trouble.

If I had a threesome today with two teachers, they've never taught me. I'd tell everybody else. I'd bring a 73-year-old and a 91-year-old nun and brag about a threesome with two nuns. Oh, nuns? Yeah, why nuns? Yeah, you just say nuns. Oh, man, I want some of that dirty, sloppy nun pussy so bad. Oh, it's great.

I would shoot a Jew to have sex with a nun. All right. Whoa. Holy moly. It was just no reason for that at all.. The holy message. Good lord. There's just no reason for that at all. There's a lot of historical implications in that guy. Yeah, good lord.

I mean, there's a lot going on. Why would you say it if they're like, oh shoot, anyway, you know. Come on, man, we all feel that way. We just wouldn't say it. What's wrong with you? I think it every day. Please come last day. Oh my. You're like this kid.

Stop talking. Blabbering and yabbering over here. Good Lord. When you talk too much, it always comes down to that, doesn't it? Holy Lord, hold on. Let's do one more news. Let's do it. One more.

A hotel guest has been arrested after an alleged incident of aggressive mopping. John Thornton paid a visit to the Doubletree Hotel in Bristol, Connecticut, and reportedly got irritated with the way a cleaner was mopping the floors. The 30-year-old is then said to have grabbed the mop and cleaned the floor himself, but the police report into his arrest said he was mopping aggressively and started cleaning the hotel employee's shoes multiple times. Thornton then apparently stopped his mopping, but backed the original mopper into a corner,

leaving her, quote, shaken and crying. She was probably mopping like a fucking shithead. It sounded like she wasn't doing a great job. I bet he mopped the fuck out of that floor. I will say that. Why didn't the guy move his feet before the guy mopped over him? He knows he was mopping hard.

I mean, yeah, step outside as the man's doing your job. Have a smoke break. That's what I'd do. Yeah. This is a weird story. I had her mop the fucking floor right. What are you doing? So what, the guy was super drunk?

No! He was totally sober! But the guy wasn't mopping right enough for him. He didn't like the way the guy was moving. Mopping the walls, mopping the fucking lights. Yeah, everything but the floor with these people. Oh, it was a female mopper. It was a female mopper, yeah. So this man was trying to show her that he loved her.

No mopper in fucking light, Rosetta. That is exactly how they sound. Who is that? That's what this guy is, the white guy yelling at her. I feel like I should be in timeout. Should I be in timeout? No, you're not in timeout. Eddie's about to be in timeout.

I'm great. I'll sit there now. I like that accent. He just did. I don't know what accent he wants. Rosetta! That's a white man yelling at a Spanish woman. Rosetta! That's what it is. It's a mean white man yelling at a Spanish woman. It's not a bad Spanish accent.

Right. It's a good accent. For the racist white guy. Exactly. Was this guy just... Where is this? A hotel? This is a hotel in Bristol, Connecticut.

Staying at the hotel? He was just staying at the hotel. He walked past a woman who was mopping. He became enraged with how she was mopping, took the mop from her, mopped, cleaned her shoes, and then backed her into a corner yelling at her. He didn't clean her shoes. He got her shoes all wet. With dirty mop water. Yeah.

Yeah. That's something else is going on right now. What happened in this guy's day that made him go, God damn it, you're not mopping right! The trade show didn't go well for him. He lost a good

mop job. That guy didn't sell any boats. Definitely not. So what is he being charged with? He's been charged with menacing, I believe. That was definitely menacing. No, second. He's being charged with second degree threatening. What?

Second degree threatening? That's threatening. Law? And breach of the peace. What? That's definitely a breach of the peace. I fucking hate that. That makes me sick that those two things are laws.

Second degree threatening. So all those times that you tell me you're going to kill me. Oh, my God, I can't wait to hear that. First-degree threatening is when you plan out how to threaten somebody? I guess. And then threatening is threatening. And then second-degree threatening is thinking about how you don't like that person. And it's specific to Connecticut.

These are Connecticut laws here. Of course it is. For second-degree threatening, he could face up to a year in jail and a $2,000 fine. Good. He needs to learn his lesson. You can't take somebody's mop and mop around. That's not what you did. All he did was mop.

That's inappropriate. The hotel manager was probably happier with his mop job than her mop job. Doesn't matter. She was hired to mop. He was not. He's just a guest. Yeah. You don't go into somebody else's house.

He's going above and beyond. Take out their Swiffer and Swift in the corners. God, I'd love into somebody else's house. He's going above and beyond. Take out their Swiffer and Swiff in the corners. God, I'd love if somebody would do that. All my guests come over and destroy my apartment. Not if they're yelling at you and hitting your shoes with a Swiffer. Oh, I don't care. They can ruin all my shoes. Yeah, clean the floor, ruin the shoes.

If they Swiff you into a corner to the point that you're crying, they need to go home. I haven't cried in years. I would love a good flow. Yeah, that's a terrible birthday. Your house is a wreck. I could go for a good cry. We've got to get you crying. What makes you sad?

What makes you sad, Ben? Nothing. Who could we kill make you sad? I ran into Maura the other day. Does that still upset you? No, that never even upset me. We've never cried once together, me and Maura. You don't have to cry together. Never once did I cry over her at me. We've never cried once together, me and Mara. You don't have to

cry together. Never once did I cry over her at all. Nor did she for me. She didn't cry for you? Nope. That was total malaise. That was just a neutral situation. What if I cut down all the trees in your neighborhood? Don't like the trees

that much. He's not big on trees, but if you shut down all the cheese shops and all the bodegas. He's not big on trees, but if you shut down all the cheese shops and all the bodegas. I can't afford the cheese, so that actually made me happy. Okay, but the bodegas.

The ham's gone. What's the ham? Yeah, your meats, your sliced meats. Well, then I don't know what I'm going to eat. What if I started a fire in your refrigerator?

Yeah. We need to burn it down. We need to burn it down. And there's nothing in there anyway. Yeah, well, there's a bunch of stuff in there, but it's all bad. You know, this whole experience has made me want to cry. So that's good.

Yeah, the podcast. Yeah. When I just realized that I don't care if everything goes away. What about cancer? Can't wait to get it. God damn it. It's time for a segment from Old McNeely. god damn it it's time for a segment from old McNeely

haunted house with Holden McNeely it's a smokey we're all gonna come up with different haunted houses and we're gonna try to make each other a bunch of scared little mouses alright it's one of those episodes. All right.

All right. I'll start. Marcus is a multi-billion dollar haunted house producer, and he will afford us. Multi-billion dollar haunted house producer? He does Halloween Horror Nights. Yeah, I'm good at it. He does the Rapist Dungeon in Jersey. That's a very scary one.

Cameron. He does the Hobo Haunted House in Jersey. That's a very scary one. Camden. He does. He does the hobo haunted house in Jersey. Kalamazoo, Wisconsin. Yeah, there you go. He's made a lot of money. He's made billions of dollars on this yearly venture. All right, so I'll start.

I mean, I think my haunted house is similar to the one I described kind of brilliantly in the beginning of this episode. You walk in. There's poopy on the walls. You can't just repeat it, though. You have to have a new idea. Okay, so we're doing nuclear power plant. Okay. Okay.

Everyone's a mutant, right? Mm-hmm. Right? And they all have fish cocks. Ah. Like fish heads. They'll pretty much just put fish heads on their dicks, right? And they all have fish cocks. They'll pretty much just put fish heads on their dicks. And waggle them at little

kids and stuff. It's illegal. But we'll do it in Mexico. Oh, okay. Can we do it on the islands that we put our other illegal ventures on? Sure, yeah. The cocaine factory and the gun house. All of Ed's monkey restaurants that we're not allowed to have on the mainland.

Absolutely. Monkey restaurants. And that's the thing. Don't go into the monkey room. But it is land. Don't worry. You can show up. We'll have a monkey room supplied by Ed's restaurant.

But you don't want to go in there because you will get your eyeballs ripped out. Yeah. On the roof. Jesus Christ. All right. God bless it. ripped out yeah uh on the roof god bless it pull it together on the roof i'm up on the roof when you get to the end of it i'm on the roof no pants on drinking cold fucking brews and i'll just sit down and have dinner with you for a half an hour if you make it that far you pussy and that's the whole thing of it you get up on the roof you have dinner with me and the rooms before that it'll just be like really cheap

and they'll get really mad cause I want them mad when they get up on the roof it'll be like a one plastic bat will pop out in one room Holden's gonna eat all night not have any pants on exactly he'll keep shitting in the same spot oh my god yeah yeah just taking a dump be like oh walk with me into this corner, into this scary corner,

and it'll just be a fucking pile of my dumps, you know? And then I'll play trip the boy, put his face in it. It's a Halloween horror theme show? Yeah, or it's a scary house that you'll go to. It's definitely a scary house. Definitely. What's its name? It's called Being My Girlfriend House.

And that's the thing. If you make it to the end, you have to be my girlfriend for a week. Very exciting. A lot of people want that. If you get a few people to the end, like say five people make it to the end. They have to schedule it. Yeah, so it's going to be consecutive weeks or all five of them at one time.

Five on one. Going to be in a barn. Lights out. I'll have night vision goggles. For a week? Yeah, for a week. They can't cut a hole

out where their penis goes. Or vagina, but I doubt any women will. How many exits are available in this house? They're called egg-sits. They're eggs. And they don't lead out. It's shitty and bad. So that's something you've got to remember.

I know they're all gonna maybe Say some funny shit or whatever Or it might be creative But mine is like straight up a shitty bad experience That is terrifying And you don't get out until Thanksgiving Hold on You don't, okay

Your options are to make it all the way through And be your girlfriend for a week For a week in a barn With the lights out The week after Thanksgiving Yeah Or die in this place Or die in the place if you

Yeah I mean definitely You can die in the place I mean die in the place You can die in the place You're allowed to die in the place So there you go I'll give that to my fucking idiot

Alright Venture people Customers Whatever you want to call them. Okay. Future victims. Great. Very cool.

All right. Very nice. So kind of a fun little how to become Holden's girlfriend situation. Doctor says my penis looks like a dog's. It's shiny and red. All right. Barb. Wait, hold on.

Because, man, I zoned out in the beginning of it. You got to make a haunted house Make a haunted house Oh a haunted house I was like man All this shit he's saying Is crazy But

Oh yeah I get Give me a second Then I gotta Kiss what do you got Kiss what do you got I mean I don't even know No

You don't know I don't even know. No, you don't know? I don't know. You run a horror podcast. This should be the one you win. Nay. Haunted house. I don't like haunted houses. So what do you do?

Do you have a masked man in there? In a haunted house? Yeah. Is there smoke machines? I feel like my haunted house is like you get a ticket and then it's for an airline

and then you go on the airline and then the airplane lands and you're in Baltimore and then you just have to walk around. It's pretty frightening. I'm terrified of Baltimore. It's terrifying. You have no weapons. No one tells you where to go. You're just in the ghetto of Baltimore and then 12 have no weapons. No one tells you where to go.

You're just in the ghetto of Baltimore, and then 12 hours later, the plane will take you back. So whatever happens. How much does the ticket cost? Oh, the ticket's very expensive. It's probably about $1,500 for the experience round trip, but you've got to buy your own food while you're there. $1,500?

The plane ticket couldn't cost more than like $400 yeah let me see how much let me see how much a flight to Baltimore but this is a haunted house it's a haunted house situation so you're paying for the experience and then we'll take you back

I think that overall maybe I don't know like the streets are full of nice people I think that overall, maybe, I don't know, like the streets are full of nice people, but they want to kill you. Nice people that want to kill you. I feel like that's kind of tragic, you know, if you're walking down the streets and everyone's smiling at you, but they're also, like, you know, holding knives.

It's kind of fun there. We're going to let this one die. We're going to sit in silence. I can get a flight to Baltimore for $500. Where's my $1,000 going to? It's in the experience. $500 to Baltimore? Yeah.

That seems expensive. That's shitty. That's real expensive. I mean, if that's if we're going on Halloween night and, like, leaving next week. It should be cheap. But I think it's just one of those places where it's so close that, like, you're an asshole if you're flying. Right. You should just take a bus or a car.

If you have a bad body, you have to be shirtless. But if you have a good body, you have to be really clothed. So no one likes that. Micah? I don't think Ben's done. No, he's done. There's a lot of things. My girlfriend says I have the torso of a's done. Oh, he's done. There's a lot of things. My girlfriend says I have the torso of a drowned man.

Oh, that makes sense. That's true. You look bloated. Skin kind of comes off sometimes if you get intimate with me. Micah, what do you got for us? Ugh. That was awful. Okay, so mine is called the Moose's Butthole.

And what it is is like a soft, fleshy entrance that's like touching itself. And you have to slide through. Lubricated? It's totally lubricated with gasoline. And you like, so it like smells good on the outside. Oh yeah. But when you get in,

it smells like a moose's asshole. You're right. And you just walk through the moose's intestines and you see all the things that the moose ate. Like a wrench. like a mummy. So it's a big moose we're talking about. Oh, it's a huge moose. It must be really big, yeah, for a mummy.

Yeah. And so you walk up through the moose's stomach, and it's full of acid, and there's a bunch of people in there. Yeah. And they're getting burned alive. Oh, people can be burned alive in mine too. Oh, yeah. You're going to Baltimore.

Yeah. That's good. So when you walk up through the throat, somebody lights you on fire. Because you're covered in gasoline and moose butthole material. And then you walk out the throat. And you walk out the tongue and it's like a bounce house. That's fun. Yeah, it's really fun.

Put a bounce house in mine too. You got it. We'll just put it in one of the many vacant lots. You go out, and then they hose you down with a fire extinguisher, and then they give you a necklace with a moose tooth around it. Nice. On the back of it, it says, I survived the moose's butthole. Nice. Well, I mean,

it's got gasoline and fire, so I'm liking that. The whole thing takes about a half an hour to get through, so it's a pretty reasonable amount of time. How much is the ticket? $12. Oh, okay. Yeah, totally reasonable. $12.50 for senior citizens. Bring your best gal.

Can senior citizens go on it? Oh, yeah, they have to. So it's not that dangerous. Oh, so it is that dangerous. They're forced to go, yeah. Yeah, wherever this is, they're required to bus people from nursing homes to come through the moose's butthole.

Was it a euthanasia type thing? What's that? Euthanasia type thing? No, just gasoline and moose. But if they die, they die. Yeah, I mean, that's the case. Them's the rules. Waivers. Waivers for everyone. Yeah, you gotta have waivers for this, because we're lighting people on fire.

Ed Larson? Well, you know me, I like, you know, I like good monkey time. Right, right. Well, we were talking about monkey Ebola earlier. Is the haunted house called Good Monkey Time? No, it's called

the United States of Monkey Town. I feel like that's been the title of another one of your... Maybe it has, but this is showing you what it would be like. I could do a control F on all the documents that I've typed over the last four years

and I'm guaranteeing the United States of Monkey Town is going to come up again. It's a weekend pass. And you got to, yeah, you get it, it's a weekend, you get fed, you know, bananas. Yeah. Lots of bananas, banana pudding,

whatever, but basically we're going to have the monkeys in the monkey, they're going to be wearing hazmat suits, they're going to have the monkey hazmat thing going on, and they're going to drag you in there,

and you're a prisoner, and you're a prisoner in the monkey world. As soon as you walk in the building, the monkeys run everything, you know, time doesn't exist, you're fucking,

it's plenty of it. Wait, time doesn't exist? Yeah. Okay. I mean, I guess if you could count it in your head, but there's no way that you're going to be able to know any other way. No clocks, no watches, no phones. Yeah, we're taking your phones, we're taking

your pants. First thing we do is put off the pants. Yeah. Dickie's hanging out, Puss is hanging out. All that stuff Monkey Monkey grabs you And starts He puts this little They got this like Collar

With a stick attached to it And they Put it on your neck Uh huh Yeah Planet of the Apes style Yeah yeah yeah It just sounds exactly like Planet of the Apes

Yeah it's A lot like it And then they're gonna Be dragging you around They're gonna take you And they're gonna put you in a cell And in the cell Is a bunch of other normal human beings who don't think they should be there like you.

And they're going to be like, why are we in here? I don't know. I just want to go hunt a house. I want to go hunt a house. That's what everyone's saying to each other because they're all scared and they're in there. Then the monkeys come and they're in the hazmat suits. They might be humans.

They might be not. But you can't tell because you just see a monkey mask behind a hazmat suit. They're throwing bananas at you. You got to eat them because, I mean, let's face it, you're hungry. And at this point, I mean, it's been hours. Right, right. And time goes by. Time goes by.

Then you just have to start learning the trapeze. And you got to start learning, like, monkey behavior. Monkey teach you to dance. Yes. Exactly. And this is all over the course of a weekend. A weekend. And if you don't get it right, I mean, they bite your lips.

They rip out your eyes. Monkey behavior. Yeah. So it's a reverse circus. It's a prison. Right. It's a prison, but you pay for it. Right.

You don't commit a crime to get in, but you spend money to get in and to live like a monkey. And when you come out, if you win, you come out strong. You come out monkey strong. How do you win? By making it. By just making it. Survive your body. So most people die.

I mean, you don't die as much as you just never see it again. Marcus, add monkeys to my thing. Add monkeys to my thing. Add monkeys to your thing? When you get drunk and you start talking about monkey behavior, my fear becomes real. Really? I want to do it. All these people, to me, they look like you.

I have a quick follow-up inquiry. So, in the holding area at the beginning when everybody's let in. The tank. The tank, yeah, yeah. And nobody wants to be there, right? No one wants to be there. What happens if you throw a human in there and he's like,

oh, hell yeah, I'm here for the United States of Monkey Town. Well, then you're bringing all the monkeys to rape him. Oh. Then he gets monkey raped. All right. Wonderful. Kevin? Kevin, what do you got?

Okay, so my haunted house, man, is going to be, it's called, you know, very simple title, Kevin Barnett's Haunted House, right? Very nice. Outside, very scary outside. Before you get in there, dudes, chainsaws, blood is all over the place, all types of scary things. It's donation. You can give no money or as much money as you want.

Okay? But then you go inside the haunted house, and you find out it's actually beautiful, hyper-realistic paintings of nature and trees and serene music playing. And then you realize that the slogan of my haunted house is actually, expect to be frightened, end up enlightened.

Whoa! Yeah. So you leave feeling really good, and this all helps to promote my new self-help book, which is called Luger Logic. Kevin Barnett presents T.D. Jakes' Don't Stress Yourself, Best Yourself. Very long title.

Best Yourself, Best Yourself. Where did this come from, Kevin? That was amazing. That's what I'm feeling, man. That's what I'm feeling. That's what I'm feeling. Positivity is a shining star. It sounds like the spa castle with a haunted house front.

That's great. That's a good place to rent to do this. God, I feel encouraged, though. Add that to mine. TD Jakes? TD Jakes. I love TD Jakes. Sure.

They're the best preachers around We'll add T.D. Jakes in yours as well Marcus, what do you think bud? Kevin Barnett's haunted house, that sounds great It's very inspirational, it's very nice But we are going for very much a haunted house We've been doing haunted houses here I wanted to go to your place Kevin

I know I wanted to go to Kevin's place You know what, we can do that under my self-help wing Of my empire. Of course, you all know I'm a multi-billionaire. I've got a lot of different things going on. I've got a lot of play. So what I'm going to do, I am actually going to be giving you some of it. For we are choosing the barn.

Yeah! The barn, you morons! Wow. All right. Thank you so much for listening to the roundtable, everybody. And I really want to. Oh. All right.

Oh. Micah Sherman, thanks so much. Oh. Thank you. Thank you, Ben. Miami has the Dolphins, the greatest football team. They take the ball from goal to goal like no one's ever seen. Get off now.

Yeah. It's done. Great work, everybody. Shermanators, sure thing.