The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode: 219 Pus Nugs

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

This week on Round Table: two men are arrested in two separate incidents involving sex with dogs, two clowns are arrested for assaulting haunted house patrons with dildos, and a woman discovers a three inch leech living in her nose. Joining us today: Ryland Blackington!

Hey everybody, just a quick update for you. The Roundtable, gentlemen, is now brought to you by Audible.com. Go to audibletrial.com slash roundtable for your 30-day free trial. Hell yeah, let's kick this pig, you fuckers! The Roundtable. Gentlemen! Hi! Let's broaden our minds! Lay on, gentlemen, and let them know what's what!

Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the day. What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. No, no, no. You trapped me into this and then everyone yelled at me.

Yeah, no. I'm going to use the joke out of this. I'm keeping the joke out of this. You keep it to yourself. You keep it to yourself for a reason. You don't bring it up. That's Jackie's joke. No one will judge you, Jackie. What was the joke? I got to keep. No, I'm keeping the joke. You keep it to yourself. You keep it to yourself for a reason. You don't bring it up. That's Jackie's joke. No one will judge you. Jackie, what was the joke?

I got to keep. No, I'm keeping it. No, that's yours, Jackie. You hold on to that one. This joke is for me. Work on it. Bring it back. Yeah, I'm going to work on it.

That's good. Good to go? All right. Welcome to the show, everyone. This is the roundtable of gentlemen. Who's here? What, you're not going to pray? You have to pray.

You've got to pray. Don't be a piece of shit. Dear Lord, I'm happy for everybody. Beelzebub. Beelzebub. You always... Oh, I do Beelzebub? Yeah, that's who you pray to.

Ah, I see. Beelzebub, how are you? How are they hanging? Your breasts. Let's see here. That's good enough already. That was good? Yeah.

All right. Welcome to the round Roundtable Gentlemen, everybody We got Jackie is here She just said She had a joke to herself there She's not going to share with anybody What was the joke? I'm not

No What was the joke? You just said this is a trap Rylan Blackington is here And I said, Rylan, what's your last name? And he said, Blackington And then you exhaled And then you said, I have a secret joke

I can't tell anybody I didn't say I have a secret joke It's sometimes Sometimes you say things A joke inside of your head And it, a joke inside of your head, and it's better left inside of your head because... How racist was it? It was extremely racist.

Who was the racist? Who was the racist? Even I went there. You had to. I mean, you had to, but I kept it inside. I kept it inside of my head. My first thought when he said his last name was like, Blackington, well, that's a little much.

side of my head. My first thought when he said his last name was like, Blaginton, well, that's a little much. See, that's a much better joke than what I said in my head. Yeah. So, let's just leave it at it was racist. It would have made everything uncomfortable. Right. Especially at the top of the show.

So, I'm Jackie Zabrowski, and I'm not racist. Yeah, okay. And I tell you what, I don't feel one bit uncomfortable. Oh, not at all. My name's Ed Larson. I feel great in my goddamn skin. I agree. Sitting in for Holden McNeely today is Mr. I'll take care of it, Ed.

Well, you did a bad job at it. No, because Kevin's supposed to announce himself first, and then I'm going to say who's the guest. He's sitting in. Yeah, he's sitting in. Sitting in for Holden McNeely. Ryland Blackington, appropriately named. And you were the former member of Cobra Starship,

and now you have another band called? No, not yet. No, nothing like that. But, yeah, I just was formerly, yeah, a member of Cobra Starship. Don't talk about it. Ryland also went to high school with me. Yeah, more importantly, I went to high school with me Yeah more importantly I went to high school with that We have all the same old friends

And he used to play the giant parties at my house With Danny from P-Funk and all that stuff We had like proper Parliament Funkadelic PCU style parties It was kind of so stupid Kind of crazy You almost fought somebody one time For stepping on your Christmas lights

Christmas lights and my cape. Your cape. Wow, that tells a whole story of the party. Christmas lights and a cape were involved, so you guys had a great time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. That's perfect. My buddy, Eckie, at that party, I remember he was walking around, and he brought his gun with him.

And he's like, I brought my gun. I was like, why'd you bring your gun? Don't bring your gun. He's like, put your gun in your car. And he's like, oh, I got it. And right in the middle of the party, he just pulls it out and starts waving it around. I was like, look, it's right here. It's like, I brought my gun. I was like, why'd you bring your gun? Don't bring your gun. He's like, put your gun in your car. He's like, I got it. Right in the middle of the party, he just pulls it out and starts waving it around. I was like, look, it's right here. It's right here.

I got it. Put it away, Eckie. Put it away. Put it away. Yeah, there's Christmas lights around. You don't want to ruin them. Eckie was a good guy, though. Florida.

Sounds awesome. A cape, Christmas lights, and a gun. That is Florida. Wrapped up into three words. It's a great state, man. It's perfect. All right, Kevin Barnett. I'm from down there.

Chilling. And his pants are getting tighter. They're not getting tighter, man. It's the same pants. They got tighter. He's getting fitter. He's washing his clothes now. I haven't washed these jeans once.

I wear them every day. Why are they so tight? They're the exact same pants. Man, you are having issues. What do you mean, shellfish? No, man. You are having issues. What do you got? Shellfish? Oh no, man.

Shellfish. He looks skinnier than ever. Maybe he's fucking allergic to shellfish. He's not allergic to shellfish. This is a leg. My pockets are full of money, man. Yeah,

they are. And I'm very upset about it. Uh, true TV, October 28th. That will be the debate. Yeah. Debu, the debut.

So Tuesday, the day after this comes out. Yeah. Hell yeah. Your show's debuting. Everyone needs to watch this. Friends of the People. Yeah. It's a great show.

I was at the premiere party, and if it's half as good as those sliders, it's going to be wonderful. Holy Lord. Those were some fucking good sliders. Oh, good sliders, man. Love a premiere party. Sliders were incredible. Those brownies are real fucking good, too.

I mean, if the show bombs and my career is over, I mean, it was all worth it for a slider. It doesn't matter. Yeah. No one's even going to see it, so no one's going to know. It doesn't matter. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No one knows that you did it. I don't care.

Yeah, yeah. Right. It's fine. Yeah. Oh, my God. Those sliders were great. What did they have on the sliders? It was, well, you had your typical.

You had a burger. Classic. And then there was just a little lettuce, and then you had, I believe there was some mayonnaise on it, some onion, and a little tomato. Was it cheeseburgers? I don't even know what a tomato is. I don't think it was cheese. I think there was a little tomato.

Wait, there was a little hamburger sliders? Yeah. Jackie's upset now. No, no, no, no. What do you mean? What are you talking about? That's disgusting. What are these, chicken and ale or shrimp sliders?

No, cheese on it. Cheeseburger sliders. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the thing is, if you're going to do hamburger sliders, you might as well do meatball sliders. Meatball sliders are a lot of fun. They're a lot of classless swine. No. Everyone loves a meatball slider.

What are you fucking talking about? Who loves a meatball slider? I want a burger slider. I mean, obviously, we know more about food than you do. We know about food. Tight pants. Yeah. Well, you know how to eat a lot.

You're fucking getting in there. Oh, come on. Jesus, man. Ben forgot about food. Oh, I remember fucking food. I was just in jail, and we'll talk about it. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Ben got locked food. Oh, I remember fucking food. I was just in jail, and we'll talk about it. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Ben got locked up.

Locked up raw. Ben Kissel style. I didn't jump a turnstile. I helped Eddie's dumb friend Frankie through a turnstile. You made him go with you. No, I did not. He said, come on, come on, let's go, come on, let's go. No, he requested I go with him.

What story did he tell you? You can't trust a little person. I don't know. I was watching it. No, you didn't hear it, though. You have no idea what you're talking about. Marcus story did he tell you? You can't trust a little person. I don't know. I was watching it. No, you didn't hear it though. You have no idea what you're talking about. Marcus Parks, what's up? A woman and her 17-year-old

daughter have sued the Massacre Haunted House in Illinois, arguing they were What do you mean? You saw Frankie. I requested him to come with me. He was scared and then you were like, no, no, come on, come on. I saw you do this. Your brain is full of potatoes.

There was a cop right there. He got you, fuck man. You gotta stop, man. Your brain is full of potatoes. Potatoes. That was your joke. No known comeback. I don't know what to say to him. That's right. Your brain is full of potatoes.

Okay. A woman and her 17-year-old daughter have sued the massacre haunted house in Montgomery, Illinois, arguing they were assaulted and verbally harassed by two workers dressed as clowns holding sex toys. That's just a fucking scary room. What do you go to a haunted house for? Like two clowns with dildos run up to you and you call the cops? It wasn't in the room. It was in the parking lot. They were met in the parking lot by two men dressed as clowns.

The fun started early. Lion Country Safari. Lion Country Safari. The lions are in the parking lot. As soon as you get out of your car, lions are on cars. You've got to walk past the lions. According to the sign outside Lion Country Safari, it's world famous for that reason. And they are about to

be exactly the same thing. But the lines weren't carrying dildos. Man, we should teach them how to. Yeah, that's true. They were met in the parking lot by two men dressed as clowns and holding sex toys who began to harass the group. It was a woman and her daughter. One

employee... That's exactly what he said. One employee used a sex toy to poke the 17-year-old. The other employee, identified in the suit as John Doe, simulated a sex act with the toy while Keller made repeated lewd

and offensive remarks to Janito. That's the name of the girl. That's the name of the mother and the girl. You're both named Janito? It's Janito 1 and Janito 2? The world famous Janitos. Oh, that's their last name. I thought that was their first name.

Yeah, Janito. Was it the first time this family ever tried to have a good time? Because it just seems like a great night. I mean, I don't know if it's that scary, though. If you're a clown and you've got a dildo, I think that's more saucy and sexual than it is horrific and terrifying. Clowns are scary. What are you talking about? Yeah, but with a dildo, I don't know.

It changes the whole thing. It does. I feel like you have a knife, a chainsaw, a gun. Classic. A billy club. A butcher's knife. A butcher's knife. Yeah, that's right.

A dildo, that's just a good old time. The clown, oh, you know what I mean? It would take a second, but I'd be like, oh, you're harmless. I agree. What do you think the sexual act was, Ryland? I mean, he can blow it with the dildo. He can blow it or stroke it. I'm imagining he took the dildo, kind of turned head to profile,

and did the vanishing into the throat thing sideways. Where'd it go? Throatily. Yeah. Throatily. See, I imagine it was just him waving it in front of her, pretending it was his own dick. Like, ah, yeah, look at it, look at it, look at it.

That's what I was thinking, yeah. Or a guitar, maybe like a little guitar solo. Ooh, yeah. Put some strings on a dildo. A flute. Yeah, that pretty much is a flute. Drill some holes in it. Are there dick flutes out there?

Yep. Yeah. Absolutely. I'm sure there is. There's a modern flutist named Robert dick that's a bad name for a flutist Robert dick I'm a flutist modern tell me that what is modern flute music exactly is a revolutionary composer and flutist you can go to robertdick.net. Oh, my God.

Can we stick everyone on Robert Dick? Isn't the term floutist not flutist? Please contact Robert Dick. But it says flutist on the site. Hey, he lives here in the city. He does? He lives in Brooklyn? Yeah, he lives in Brooklyn.

We can get Robert Dick on the show. Let's get him on the show. Everyone, be nice to Robert Dick. I take it back. Be nice to Robert Dick. Let's get him on the show. Everyone, be nice to Robert Dick. I take it back. Be nice to Robert Dick. Let's get him to play the flute for us. You should email him at Robert at RobertDick.net and tell him to come on the round table, gentlemen.

Imagine that. The Bob Dick. Oh, my God. Bob Dick. Fans call me Robert Dick. God, Bob Dick. That's a great name for a carpenter. Bob Dick is the best. Many things. Bob Dick. Fans call me Robert Dick. God, Bob Dick. That's a great name for a carpenter. Bob Dick is the best.

Many things. Bob Dick. Why not? He's got like 20 albums. Wow. Of course he does, man. That's a lot of flute music. So prolific.

Yeah, we got to give him on. Robert Dick. Petition him on his website there and let him know that you love his music and you love his sounds. That's robertdick.net. Dot net. Dot com. Very good. there and let him know that you love his music and you love his sounds that's Robert dick dotnet dotnet so this clown guy with the dildo now he was arrested right yeah he was arrested and the women are filing a lawsuit fuck up it's a haunted house they were just in the parking lot they hadn't gone in and paid

for their ticket yet. What do you say these guys even have anything to do? Extra. One mile radius. That's a good point. Kevin, do you think these guys are just going around and be like, this is the perfect place for us to do our- Yeah, exactly. Like, we're going to fucking attack these chicks outside the haunted house. They're going to sue the haunted house because they think we're a part of it. Right. And we walk.

That's the perfect plan. I mean, it's a big crowd outside. Everyone's waiting to get in. They got extra people working on the haunted house. What are you going to do? Go scare the crowd outside. In the line, yeah. Yeah. Go get them. Go fucking extra people working on the haunted house. What are you going to do? Go scare the crowd outside. In the line, yeah. Yeah, go get them.

Go fucking get this party started. Yeah. I mean, I just feel like it's sort of a, it's a kind of a cheesy horror thing. The clown with the dildo. Yeah, the clown in general. You know, I love it. Have some fun with us. Clowns are scary. I know, we saw some good clowns last week. Henry and I went to a Halloween Horror Nights last weekend. Right.

But I did have a very particularly scary experience where the theme was purge. So it was a bunch of dudes with those weird masks on with just a bunch of chainsaws and shit. And this one guy in particular took a shine to me and kept following me, jumping out at me around the whole park.

He kept following me. And then at one point he came up behind me and said, you're really fun to scare. And I was just like, ugh! Of all the things you're doing, that was the creepiest part! Ugh! And Henry's like, you should fuck him. You should fuck that guy.

And he's like, big, beefy dude. I mean, it probably would have been fun. It probably would have been different. But there also was a 3D clown house with music by Slash. Awesome! Go on. All of the music in the front

it said free ice cream. That's like the joke of it. They're giving out free ice cream. Trying to get kids to come in. But it was all like, free ice cream! We earn it! We earn it! We earn it! We earn it! And the music was just awful.

Why would you be proud of this, Slash? What what are you doing any clowns with dildos no but very very scary clowns yeah very very scary yeah they're really good at it yeah i mean they're they're a talented bunch henry ran into a wall he got so scared on last podcast on the left, Henry said it wasn't that scary. But now we get the truth. Henry was terrified, huh? Yeah, he said, oh, it was pussy bullshit. Are you kidding? He was all fat and worried about it.

Oh, hell no. He was screaming. Really? Oh, my God, yeah. Oh, very interesting. We'll have to discuss that this week. We were both, like, scared. Yeah, he said it was nonsense. God, yeah. Oh, very interesting. We'll have to discuss that this week. We were both, like, scared. Yeah, he said it was nonsense.

No, no, no. At one point, he tried to grab my hand, and I said, ew, gross. Yeah, that's the most horrific thing that happened. And then I held his hand. How many hot dogs did you guys have? We didn't have any hot dogs. I ate a lot. Oh, actually, three.

You had three hot dogs combined or each? No, each. You had three hot dogs. I ate a lot. Oh, actually three. You had three hot dogs combined or each? No, each. You had three hot dogs each? Well, cholesterol and heart disease is the horror. I forgot we got chili cheese dogs. What do you mean? How scary could it have been if you were like, oh, time for a

cheese dog? Oh, no, no. You fat fucks. What is wrong with you two? Chili cheese dogs. Chili cheese dogs. You're about to get raped by a clown and you're like, oh well, there's always time for cheese dogs.

I get what she's saying. You cover the hot dogs enough chili and cheese and they vanish. It's technically not a hot dog. I was just eating chili. Cheese on it. Yeah, the hot dog's the garnish. Yeah, that's right. What was weird is that the cheese wasn't like a cheese sauce on top. It was slices of American cheese underneath the hot dog.

Ooh, yeah. With the chili on top. Ooh, that's terrible. Jeez, do you have to have a permit for a trailer to get into this goddamn thing? That's the most white trash thing I've ever heard. I guess it's some famous hot dog place that they have there. Pinks. Yeah. It's called Pinks or hot dog place that they have there. Pink's. Yeah.

It's called Pink's or Pink's? Pink's. Yeah, they got a Pink's, man. Yeah, Pink's. Pink's Hot Dog? Line, you know, down the block all the time. Really? Fucking phenomenal joint.

Where is this? It's in Hollywood. Yeah. And you've been there, Ryland? Oh, yeah. I stayed, you know, around the corner from there, actually. I've never actually been there. I'm sorry.

No. No. I've driven past it in disdain. Line's always too long. I never went either. in disdain. Line's always too long. I never went either. In disdain. You're a classy gentleman. The Zabrowski's had six combined hot dogs from there.

You too big? You too big for fucking hot dogs? No, if you're going to wait in line, you get all the hot dogs. Right. Sure. That's true. You play by the rules.

Yeah, it's all tourists. Yeah. No, Pink's is the most disgusting thing I've ever heard. Not the one in City Walk. It was right next to the Hard Rock Cafe right outside of Universal Studios, and there was no one in it except for Henry and I. Wow, that's amazing.

Eating a bunch of chili dogs. That's a pro tip. Everyone was biting their nails and being like, I don't think we're going to make rent this month. Oh, the Zabrowskis are coming. We're saved. We'll sell all of our inventory and then some. Call up the major store and have them bring half their supplies.

You fucking swines. Man, it was great. We shit so hard in Halloween Horror Nights. I'm sure you... I want to hear the clowns horror story. And then these two fat... I think they're a brother and sister or ugly husband and wife. They came in and they just like ate all of our hot dogs

and dumped something nasty in our toilets. It was the worst day of work I've ever had. We had to repaint. They fucked it up. The smell is still lingering though. Oh, you fucking subversive. Now I want another hot dog.

Too gross for a haunted house. I want a hot dog right now. Right now. It's unbelievable. Oh, good Christ. All right, so the clowns with the dildos, the guy's going to go to jail and be like,

I held him. That's so fucked up, though. I mean, I don't think they did a good job. I don't like the clowns. I honestly kind of side with the women in this one. What?

Marcus and I went to a haunted house last year or the year before. Two or three years ago. And your ex-girlfriend now, she was sexually assaulted by a man in this haunted house. Yeah, the guy playing Jack the Ripper kind of fondled her a little bit.

He did. Coochie-cooed her? I mean... Or up-topped her. Yeah, he coochie-cooed her, Judge Larson. Yes. So, yes, you've been arrested for coochie-cooing her. It was uncomfortable.

It was very uncomfortable. I mean, they do get really aggressive. I mean, there's a certain... That's what you're paying for. No, but you're paying... It is what you're paying for. I want to get touched. You're going in there.

You're like, all right, scare the fucking shit out of me. Yeah. And you go in there with a chip on your shoulder, and you're acting like an asshole. Where's the line, though, right? Where's the line? There was a gray area there. Tits? Touching tits?

No, taking off her pants. That's crossing the line. There you go. But I feel like the Jack the Ripper character, and correct me if I'm wrong, Marcus, I think he did grope her breasts, her bosoms, her sweet, succulent Marcus' ex-girlfriend's breasts. Her front flaps, yeah. Yes.

Yes, Ben. Yes. I remember it well. But it is bizarre. The haunted house area, I mean, it's like, obviously it's all in jest. It's all like a lark that you do around, you know, Halloween and everything. But you really could get away with some very violent offenses in there that would be considered sexual assault in any other context, you know? Sorry.

Okay. I don't even remember where we were. I just did a great piece about Halloween haunted houses and how they're a gray area for the justice system. Oh, yeah, yeah. These clowns are innocent. Let's release them. Send them to Russia where they can go have some fun.

That's not even the segue. That wouldn't even work. Ladies and gentlemen, Ryland just spilled a bunch of water all over Marcus's computer because he's in a band and he doesn't know what he's doing. And now we had to stop the whole program and now we're back at it. Yeah, and technically Kissel's job now

is a garbage man. I'm not a garbage man. You're right, you're not a garbage man. You just do it for fun. What are you talking about? You do it for fun and you live in garbage. I'm not a garbage man or garbage. I'm not. I don't like garbage. We don't blame you for it.

Where is it coming from? A man makes a choice. It's one of those things. You were born and this is what you are. But what are you talking about? Where is this coming from? I'm not a garbage man. I don't enjoy garbage.

I don't even throw out the trash. Don't throw out the trash because you want to keep it all for yourself. Trash lover! I saw you take out the trash because you want to keep it all for yourself. Trash lover. No, I saw you take out the garbage a couple days. I saw you take out the garbage yesterday. Oh, man. Where'd you take it?

You take it out for fucking dinner? Put it into your fucking house. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Take it to the movies? You fucking. I took garbage.

I took a bag of garbage from my house to the movies. Bought it a ticket. Yeah. Well, you have to. Bought it a ticket. Yeah. Well, you have to. Bought two popcorns, ate them both. Yeah. I brought it through a fucking turnstile with me, and it got me arrested. Frankie, you piece of trash.

All right. Whatever. Marcus, what's another news story? The dildo clowns were arrested, and I hope they never get out. Waterbury police are investigating after a woman had to confront a naked man at gunpoint while he allegedly performed sexual acts on her pit bull.

Oh, yikes. What happened to the pit bull? I thought they were supposed to be a very dangerous dog, and now they've been pacified to the point where a man can penetrate them? They're loving. Yeah, they're a good dog. They are a very good dog. Very trusting. If they're raised right, you can fuck them. Yeah.

Something like that. That was Ed Larson. If you want to make a meme, if they were raised right, you can fuck them and put a little picture of a pit bull there and just tag Ed Larson there. It's sort of his Aristotle moment. Yeah. Brilliant. Ed Larson there. It's sort of his Aristotle moment. Yeah, brilliant. Owner Alice Woodruff

said, I thought my dog had killed somebody because I saw a man underneath her. I started to scream. I had a citronella candle and I threw it at him, screaming, get off my dog. You have to get out of here. He said, no. Today is the day and we're going to spend the

rest of our lives together. The dog and him? He didn't specify. Which part of Florida was this? This was Connecticut, unfortunately. Connecticut? Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She said that he can, she continued, he pranced through the yard naked, yelling, this is our day and you have to prosper in it. The dog was probably having a blast, too. Jumping around with him and shit. Naked, rancid. Yeah, the dog is just totally. Just getting fucked.

Just happy. Just taking it deep. And then he said, I am the antichrist and you're going to die with me. That's the game changer right there. If you just want to fuck dogs, that's one thing. But if you want to take down the world. Again, where's the line? He said he was with ISIS, and he had Ebola, and he gave the dog Ebola.

Oh. He's just reading the headlines. He's just on Twitter. Very on trend. And the woman had a gun. She fired a warning shot at the ground, but that did not

help matters at all. Dog didn't run away? He reportedly responded by looking to the sky, adopting a Christ on the cross pose, and dared the woman to kill him. Was it Scott Stapp from Creed? Sounds like something he would do. Very Stapp.

That's a very Stapp moment. I would have shot the would do. Very Stapp. Very Stapp. That's a very Stapp moment. I would have shot the dog in the head while the guy was fucking it. Oh, shoot the hostage. Nice. No. I mean, well, yeah. I mean, it's no one's dog anymore.

The dog's been penetrated by a man. Yeah, it's a ruined dog. It's all done. Yeah. You know, and the only thing that man wants Is that dog forever And let him know That's not happening At that point You gotta get a new dog

You have to get a new dog How do you look at it? Yeah Give it a treat No I can't do nothing with this dog Oh you want a treat? I think you already had your treat

When that guy was banging it in the backyard Yeah You know It's disgusting Was it a male dog Or a female dog? Uh It does

The uh The dog is named Layla So yeah Oh Okay Was he Was he pussy fucking in her ass? Doesn't say. It should.

Kind of changes things a bit for me. Well, maybe you should go become an editor over there, Eddie. Or a cop. Yeah, or the cop. I don't think that's a good idea. Is it worse if it's the pussy or if it's the ass? I think if it's the ass, it's worse. I think it's worse than the ass. I think it's actually worse than the Is it worse if it's the pussy or if it's the ass? I think if it's the ass, it's worse. I think it's worse than the ass.

I think it's actually worse than the pussy. You think so? Why? Yeah, because that's where humans would do it. But where is a dog's pussy? Same deal. It's on their chest. It's on their back.

What do you mean, where's the dog's pussy? Hey, lift it up a little bit. It's on the bottom of their hoof. It's where your pussy is. Just switch it. Yeah, but cleaner. It's on its butt? No.

No, I mean it's on the bottom. The asshole is above the pussy. Oh, it's down there. That's what they call a doggy cell. Oh, really? I don't look at animals' genitalia. You could, though, if you wanted to. I know I could, because you could touch it all you want.

You don't want to. Fascinating. What would you like to know? I spent a good amount of time watching videos of animals fuck this weekend. Can you fit like a whole hand up inside of a dog's pussy? I'm sure you can if you believe in yourself. Time. Is it like a lube situation or is it like a gaping situation?

It depends on the dog. Definitely. I mean, St. Bernard, yes. Ooh, that would be a good one. Yeah. Chihuahua, no. But it would be hard to find the pussy on a St. Bernard. A lot of hair.

Yeah. Border collie. I'm giving this conversation seven more seconds. I am asking. It's one of the more disturbing things I've ever heard. These are good questions to ask. They were. It's knowledge.

They are. It's science class right now, Ben. So seven seconds. Yeah. That could fucking get me. I just don't like when Marcus says a sentence. I've been looking at a lot of animals having sex this weekend.

It's not good. Nah, it's fine. Research, man. Yeah. That's true. Rylan, what do you think? The pussy or the butthole when you have sex with a dog? What's worse?

I think it's, I hear what you mean about the pussy. Like, it's a little bit like. It's intimate. Yeah, it's like, it could almost work, right? Yeah. It's almost like impregnate. Yeah, because she would just sit on top of you and just pick a puppet. But I'm thinking, though, like, I'm thinking I'm the naked guy in the yard,

and I have X amount of time or whatever to make this happen. Right. It's going to take me more time to get into the butt, so I'm probably going to just throw it in the safe and throw it in the fuck. Pussy fuck that dog. Shrimp in the taco. Okay. All right.

No, I think he was definitely Shrimp in the taco because he was on the ground Because the dog was on top of him Yeah Oh so the dog was probably Doing the motion That is different What a good time

So the dog must have been liking it then It's like putting peanut butter on your clit Is it? I don't know I haven't done it So the dog must have been liking it then. It's like putting peanut butter on your clit. Is it? Right? I don't know. You tell us. I haven't done it. I'm more of a Frank's Red Hot sauce kind of guy.

On your dick? No, on your clit. Oh, okay. Oh, God. Not on my dick. No, just, you know, it's like the people that put, like, peanut butter all over their downstairs and the dog licks it off until they get off. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sure, sure. And then it's like the dog gets peanut butter, you get off. But that's like what mentally slow people do. Is it? Yeah. And that's just like from some movie in the early 2000s. I don't think people do that. That's just one of those things. It's like a Dirty Sanchez or the Donkey Punch. Like, dude, you didn't punch your girlfriend in the back of the head, right? Oh, that's

right. You know, this is one of these things we talk about, but no one does. Because at a certain point, it's like, that's a lot of peanut butter. You know? Yeah. You gotta keep refilling the peanut butter. And covering your junk in peanut butter. And the sound of a dog eating peanut butter, that's horrible. Disgusting's like, that's a lot of peanut butter. You know what I mean? Yeah. You got to keep refilling the peanut butter. And covering your junk in peanut butter. And the sound of a dog eating peanut butter. That's horrible. It is horrible. Yeah, that's purely.

Something like Holden eating a sandwich. Oh, my God. Holden's so fucking disgusting. Holden is so fucking gross. Can you feel the pus from his chair leaking up through your pants, Brian? Oh, man, it's so funny you say pus, because when you said how disgusting he was, I got a memory of college where, like, you know when you have a whitehead that's ready to go, right? You mean all the bumps on his neck?

It's kind of exciting. Yeah, those are fucked. And you're kind of like, oh, fuck, got to take care of this now. You know what I mean? Holden would just let him just, like, just grow and grow. Yeah, and then you'd just be like, dude, like, how did you miss that? Even a quick glance in the mirror would reveal that you have several ready-to-rock pimples. Oh, my God.

He is so disgusting. Oh, he's slimy. He's fucked. Oh, my God. He's a little older now. The pimples aren't there anymore, but the bumps are still there. The lumps are getting bigger. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So he was one of those kids. There was a kid named Blake when I went to college who had the same situation. And he was a nice kid, but it was always on his nose. Yeah. You're like, let me do it man I was almost about to do it it reminded me of that scene from what was it

Hairspray where the mother pops the girl's zit there the John Waters movie you love Hairspray oh I love Hairspray I love everything John Waters ever did

do you like the John Travolta version as well no I don't like the gay version that Travolta did but it was amazing you gotta pop that fucking shit get it out you have to know it and he was did. But it was amazing. You're going to pop that fucking shit. Get it out. You have to know it. And he was just not touching it. It would just naturally

weep on its own, which is disgusting. Oh, yeah. It would cry. He wanted to get away from it. The bus was trying to get a better situation. Good God. I love a conversation

about Holden where you're like, you know, actually, speaking of puss. Yeah. It's like, yeah. I can't believe that segued into an actual true story. That was just a joke Jackie made, but then it turns out he is disgusting. It's real. It turns out it's the, yeah, in the neck, yeah. Wow.

Rylan has to deal with Holden hardcore, man. Yeah, you lived with him? More or less. We all lived at his apartment in college. He had that kind of apartment. Go figure. Party apartment, yeah. You'd just show up unannounced.

And you couldn't get out because you were stuck in the goo. Yeah. Hanging from the ceiling. Holy Lord. Anyway, Marcus, so we had that dog. That man was making love to that dog there. And everything is, he's in jail now. And the woman's fine. The dog's okay. Everything's good. That's was making love to that dog there, and everything is, he's in jail now, and the woman's fine.

The dog's okay. Everything's good. That's good. Is there another dog story? We're doubling up on dog fucking stories this month. No, not another dog fucker. Both fucking, not just dog stories. Oh, yeah.

An eastern Kanawha county man was arrested after an animal. Where the hell is that? Charleston. North Carolina. Oh, all right. South Carolina? South Carolina. What? It's a nice town.. Oh, all right. South Carolina? South Carolina. It's a nice town.

Lovely little town. An Easter Canawah man was arrested after an animal rights group told state police he was having sex with his beagle mix piglet. Hold on, it's half pig, half beagle? You should be able to fuck it. If it's not really an animal, you should be able to fuck it. Well, it's not half a pig. It's just a beagle named Piglet. Johnny Boggess, 47, of Miami, was arrested Wednesday.

Ah, there's the Florida connection. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was arrested Wednesday and charged with misdemeanor animal cruelty. Boggess admitted he had sex with the animal. They were raping a dog. Really? I think that that's fine. What are you going to do? Throw this guy in prison for a felony for having sex with a beagle named

Piglet? He would last 30 seconds. It should be like a road working crew of all animal fuckers. Yeah. Yeah, that would be good. Bogus told troopers he had been drinking and Piglet was in his bed he said he had

quote gentle sexual intercourse with piglet so lonely and sad he stated that when he had finished having intercourse that he held piglet petted her and told piglet that he loved her so basically if he didn't brag about it no no one would know. No one would know, yeah. Well, the neighbors... He started bragging about it, and Animal Rights Group contacted him. Boggess told... Let's ask this question, though. Animal Rights Group, right? They're there to protect animals, theoretically, against torture, abuse, dog fighting, things of that nature.

This man made intimate love to a beagle named Piglet. Is this something where the animal rights people really needed to get involved? I mean, is this animal the most tortured animal in South Carolina at that time? I highly doubt it. This sounds beautiful. Yeah, I think 50 years from now, we'll look back on this and be like,

whoa, you know, dark times. I think it's possible. It's progress, man. Well, Bogus told troopers he thought it was okay to have sex with his dog because it was more than 40 pounds and because piglet had been spayed. More than 40 pounds, that's the cutoff. You can't have sex with a dog under 40 pounds. I understand what you're saying.

So, Ben, you can fuck your dog. No, I can't. It has to be over 40 pounds. Over 40 pounds to fuck? You can fuck my mom's dog, though. Well, yeah. I mean, literally anyone could fuck your mother's dog. It doesn't move, and it's fucking 300 pounds.

My mom's roommate has a beagle. She's killing that thing. That thing's way over 40 pounds. There you go. Big old. I'm not having sex with anybody's dog. You really love dogs, man. I imagine you generally having love with a dog.

Yeah, you love dogs. Yeah, I don't have sex with them. I also love pizza. I've never stuck my dick on the crust. Really? Yeah. Not true. That's actually not true.

Yeah, I've definitely put my dick on a piece of pizza. The cheese-stuffed crust of Pizza Hut, that shit was awesome. You can really get in there. God damn. Oh, I love what Pizza Hut has done,, I bet piglet when he came went oh Wow well this is one of those episodes where the listeners are like why am I listening? No, I love oh, yeah Yeah, oh Oh, yeah.

Oh, poo. A boy or a girl piglet? I know the reference. Yeah, piglet. I know it's a little pig from Winnie the Pooh. Piglet is a boy, right? Yeah, he's a fucking little idiot boy. Oh, is it a boy?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I always thought there was a girl. No. Soft. Soft. I hate piglets so much. Why? Everyone hates piglets.

Who was your favorite Winnie the Pooh character? The guy with the whistle What? The rabbit No, the mole He's like Like everything Every ass sound was like

I hated that That shit would bother me so much Love it, yeah Dude, I hate that Why are they hanging out with this dude, man? You can't listen to him speak I'd be so fucking mad If you had a friend that talked like that

Could you imagine that shit? Obnoxious. Can't bring him anywhere. Way obnoxious. I was a Tigger guy. Big Tigger kid. Everyone loved Tigger. Tigger was the greatest character that's ever existed in any animation.

He's crackhead. What's that? Crackhead. Crackhead Tigger? Tigger's a crackhead. Caffeinated. He was happy to be alive, and he could jump on his tail. Oh, I also loved Eeyore.

Eeyore, yeah. Yeah, because I always agreed with his perspective. What are you talking about? He was hilarious. be alive, and he could jump on his tail. Oh, I also loved Eeyore. Eeyore, yeah. Yeah, because I always agreed with his perspective. What are you talking about? He was hilarious. Fuck Eeyore. Eeyore was great because he brought everyone back down to Earth. What do you mean brought everyone back? They wouldn't have to stop what they were doing and look for his tail for three days.

Yeah, because life is miserable. Because he didn't give a shit to keep it on his own body. Well, I mean, granted, the tack wasn't very good, but I think that overall he brought everyone a good perspective and realized that they were lucky because they weren't Eeyore. You know, I loved Eeyore. I hate when anybody... Tigger and Eeyore. That's my personality in a nutshell.

Why do you hate when... It's so nice and kind, but you just hate it so much? Oh, every character. I just wish I could just have, like... I remember someone gave me a Tigger stuffed animal, and I threw it out the car window. Why would you do that? I hate it.

That's insane. That's insane. Christopher fucking Robin. Yeah, I hated Christopher Robin. That he can't even make friends in real life. He's so attractive, too. He must be retarded. No, he must be getting the dickens from his uncle somewhere.

No, Christopher Robin was just his privileged little douchebag. Yeah. But the characters. He's like the private school Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes, right? Right. He's just like Connecticut, fucking like pastel shorts and shit. Right. He was a douche.

He was a piece of shit. Anyway. All right. I didn't know you were so passionate about it. You like Tigger too? Yeah, I'm big on Tigger, man. I agree. I agree. He had it all, dude. He did I'm big on Tigger, man. I agree.

He had it all, dude. He did. He was the funniest. He was the most charismatic. You know he's causing problems and shit? Yeah. Yeah, but the problems, people need to have excitement in their life. It was just the rabbit always so uptight, complaining about it. You know what's great about Winnie the Pooh?

No bad guy. There's no bad guy. There's no Gargamel. Well, you know, the rabbit was the worst guy. The rabbit's fine. Rabbit's their buddy. He's the closest thing they There's no Gargamel. Well, you know, the rabbit was the worst guy. The rabbit's fine. Rabbit's their buddy. He's the closest thing they have. They're all friends.

And he's just fussy. Yeah, they're all just pussies. They're just nice. They're a lot like the round table of gentlemen. So if you want to make an artistic drawing of us as Winnie the Pooh characters, Jackie, ironically, you're Eeyore because you are being very grumpy right now. I would say I'm being more a rabbit right now. Oh, alright. Jackie the rabbit. I could see that.

I'll be Eeyore and then you guys can decide who everybody else is. You are not allowed to be Eeyore. You can't call what you are. I know. Here's some Eeyore quotes for you. It isn't mine. Then again, few things are. That's a country song.

Mine, then again, few things are. That's a country song. So sad. Calvin should write a song all in Eeyore quotes. Eeyore's the anthem. Not much of a house, just right for not much of a donkey. Oh, you're a better donkey than that, Eeyore. You're a great donkey. Come on, buddy.

Oh, man. So emo. So emo. Who wants to bring. Oh, man. Fuck you. So emo. So emo. Who wants to bring him anywhere? This inspired bright eyes. This inspired everything that's ruined America. Into the road, nothing to do, and no hope of things getting better. Sounds like Saturday night at my house.

Oh, my God. I want to know the artist. I want to know the writer for Eeyore. He had to be the saddest dude in the face of the planet. It's so much more chilling and sad when you just read it. Yeah, yeah. Written. Oh, my God.

That's pretty much it. Pretty much it. Oh, all right. Eeyore. That's great. I love that. Good for Eeyore. Yeah.

What a champion. He's doing well. And this was the 90s when Winnie the Pooh was around. The 90s's great. I love that. Good for Eeyore. Yeah. What a champion. He's doing well. And this was the 90s when Winnie the Pooh was around. The 90s were great. The 70s? 70s? Yeah. It started in the 70s.

No, it was written in like 1902. 1902? They were books. Yeah. Yeah, they were books long before they were cartoons. Oh, no shit. There was that weird-ass live-action one where everyone was all the puppets and the gigantic ones. I love that.

For us in the 90s, that was the redux. Try a little something new. Try a little something different. Try a little something no one else has done. They're playing with that little rope with the stick. That was the best. Oh, we had great kid shows. The guy for Blue's Clues.

He was very nice. He was sexy. And I'll tell you, Mr. Rogers never got arrested for pedophilia, which is amazing. No. He was a good man. He was a good man. I think Mr. Rogers was the last good person that's ever been on television, right? He's the last good person who has ever existed.

He's the last good person. When he died, goodness died with him. He was better than Jesus Christ. He was. I'll be a Roger. Absolutely. Roger system, whatever the fuck the religion would be, I would follow that man And anything that he said And anything he did

That's purity man He was Pure Although I don't like Taking your shoes off When you enter a house I feel like it's a little pompous You change them

You go into your house shoes He would change into his house shoes A little like Van Slip-ons He was chill man He was Well you know what was not chill Was the weird puppet land The Never Never Land

It was real freaky Oh the land of King Friday Yeah And Lady Elaine Those puppets were fucked I tried to forget about that man Yeah weird puppet land, the Never Never Land. It was real freaky. Oh, the land of King Friday. Yeah. And Lady Elaine. Those puppets were fucked. They were. Forget about that, man. Yeah.

I'd keep it in the apartment. Keep it in the apartment. Keep it pure. Loved King Friday and Lady Elaine. Yeah. Great things always happen. Their eyes looked so mean. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. I enjoyed them. I did too. All right. So another dog had sex with a man, and let's blame the dog for it. Moving on. Oh, yeah.

Cockfight story. Ooh. All right. All right. A Romanian princess was sentenced Wednesday to probation after apologizing for her role in an Oregon cockfighting enterprise. Oh, cockfight. I thought it was copfight.

Me too. No, cockfight. Still psyched. Still great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Still excited. Oh, cockfight. I thought it was copfight. Me too. Cockfight. Still psyched. Still great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Still excited, yeah. She said it had brought shame to her and her family. She and her husband, John Walker, both pleaded guilty in July to operating an illegal gambling

business. As a part of the plea deal, the Walkers agreed to sell real estate and pay $200,000 to the government. Irina Walker, 61, is the third daughter of former Romanian King Michael I, who was forced to abdicate by communists in 1947. So is there a picture of this bitch? Ew, that's not a princess.

That's an ugly girl. She's 61. She looks pretty good for 61. I just don't know why there's no cockfighting in Romania. Is this in Romania? No, this is why there's no cockfighting in Romania. Is this in Romania? No, this is in Oregon. Oh, it's in Oregon.

It's in Oregon. All Romanian. Oh, she just says. Oh, well, yeah. Well, they should have been watching. Like, thrice removed, though, right? Yeah. The Walkers were arrested in 2013 after authorities said they staged at least 10 cockfighting derbies in a barn at their ranch in Oregon.

They're called derbies? They're called derbies, yeah. I think cockfighting is fine. I know, I'm very conflicted about cockfighting because at the end of the day, we butcher chickens more

than they live in little tiny... Right. KFC, what they do to their chickens is worse than two chickens who have a chance, one has a chance to live.

They're too sure about a fight. There was a cockfighter in my town, man, he treated his chickens fucking great. Yeah. Because he wants them

to succeed. And one of those chickens leaves feeling good. He's talking about chickens. We're eating. They're shitting on each other all day. You're a chicken. We can either eat you, like tear you apart and eat you. Or you win this fucking fight. Or you can just fight this other chicken. And then you're a champion.

You're a fucking superhero. We're posters of you. I don't know. Why is cockfighting so demonized? I mean, I know it's brutal. It's the knives. They put knives on them? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The walkers charge spectators $20 each to watch roosters with knives attached to their legs fight to the death.

That's awesome. I wish I had knives attached to my legs. I don't think it's awesome, and I don't think it's great. You say that now. It's like the Midas touch. Chop, chop, chop. Stab it's great. You say that now. It's like the Midas touch. Chop, chop, chop. Stab at everybody. The amount of meat that's eaten in this country and around the world,

I just can't imagine. And it's mostly chicken. Yeah. I don't know. Man, chicken is so good. Do they get eaten, these cockfighting chickens? I'm sure you eat the chicken after it dies. Well, I think they're pumped full of steroids.

Probably. Yeah, you'll probably end up with a crippling disease. Real gamey. Yeah, yeah. They're muscles. They're all muscles. They're big old fucking roosters, man. Yeah, they're huge.

So roosters are not chickens, right? Is there a way to do it with not lethal knives, like little boxing glove type things, and then the first one that gets knocked out is the winner? No, you can't knock out a chicken. You can't knock out a chicken. You can't knock out a chicken. Everybody can't knock out a chicken. You can't knock out a chicken. Everybody knows that.

I didn't know that. Don't they have cockfighting derbies that they just peck? Is it a peck to death thing? I don't know if that's real cockfighting. Yeah, you file down their beaks. Maybe while the sun's still out. Maybe that's kind of like for the younger.

Oh, it's like daytime cockfighting. Yeah, what if we just put a little metal helmet on them instead? That would be so cute. Like the little German Stormtrooper ones? Yeah. With a little staff under their wing, like they're jousting. So it's like they're in the king's court of chickens.

Class it up a bit. Yeah, right. Change things. I mean, it's just weird. You know, people are having sex with these dogs and the cock fighting. We should be having sex with the chickens. That's worse. That's Pink Flamingos

to go back to a John Waters movie. They fucked that chicken to death. Now we're watching a cockfight. It's on YouTube. I can't see tits on YouTube, but I can see a cockfight. Yeah, you can definitely see them. Let's give it a look.

Yeah, I want to. What does it look like? Oh, yeah. It looks fun. Rylan, give it a look. Knock some water over real quick. They're jumping around. I wonder what they fucking play. They looks fun. Marlon, give it a look. Knock some water over real quick. They're jumping around. What a fucking blast.

They love it. Yeah. They're just fighting like animals fight. This is what they're doing. It's actually a pretty docile crowd. That's what I understand. Bull riding is fine. Right.

But cock fighting you can't do. Right. I think all these people wish they were watching dog fighting. Yeah. Well, dog fighting I'm against. Yeah. I'm against it, but it's probably a lot more entertaining. All these guys are like, this will tide me over to my next dog fight. No, but that, yeah.

Kevin, how do chickens match up in the bird hierarchy? I mean, they're kind of like, you know, they're powerful. Yeah. But they're also very low, man. A chicken's not going to swoop down and, like, take your kid, you know? Can't fly. There's all types of different hawks that could do that. No chicken is really fucking with snakes.

Snakes are fucking with chickens, not the other way around. That's true. Yeah, but do you incorporate the, like, how delicious they are in the hierarchy of the chicken and the bird species? Okay. I almost don't acknowledge chickens as birds. Yeah. Understandably.

What about turkeys? Oh, my God. Turkeys are hot. There's too much meat to acknowledge them as.. Yeah. Understandable. What about turkeys? Oh, my God. There's too much meat to acknowledge them as. Turkeys are so good, man. It's going to be eating some turkeys. So how about like emu ostriches? Oh, emu ostriches, those are powerful birds to be respected. Turkeys are too dumb.

Something to look up to and aspire to. An ostrich? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. The cassowary as well. Yeah. Vicious animal. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Is there turkey fighting? They're too dumb to train. I think they're worth too much. Ooh, that too. Yeah, you can get a turkey, or you can get a chicken for fucking 20 bucks. Oh, man, well, Marcus immediately found a video for turkey fighting. I mean, it's turkeys fighting out in the wild. Oh, I see.

That's actually pretty fucking great. We'll post this on the roundtable page. Oh, yeah, look at that. It's pretty fun. Turkeys are so stupid, man. They are scary, dude. Yeah. They are terrifying creatures. Well, they all drown when it

rains and shit. Because they look up. Yeah, because they keep looking up. They also apparently keep getting out of a water. It's so stupid. That's why all turkeys nests are their pens are round because if they get in a corner, they don't know how to get out of it.

They don't know how to back up and get out of it. They don't know what walking backwards is. They're an embarrassment, man. They're an embarrassment. I'm telling you right now, all the other birds are like, we don't associate with them people, man. I'm telling you right now. Yeah, that's probably true.

They're fucked. So what's happened to the chicken fighters, the cock fighters? They're going to go to prison for it? No, they're not going to go to prison. They just got a hefty, hefty fucking fine. And, you know, they just have to deal with it now. Now they just have to deal. Now she has to deal with being Romanian Princess Cockfighter.

Oh, yeah. Fair enough. Yep. Quite a resume. Probation. I mean, she got probation. Everything's a resume. Probation. I mean, she got probation. Everything's a resume builder. Yep.

Authorities said the people who brought roosters paid $1,000 to enter the fights. Oh, wow. And the prizes range from $10,000 to $18,000. So it's because there's money involved. That's why the state got it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the whole thing about cockfighting in general. It's probably because it's basically saying that gambling is

legal. Tax evasion generates dirty money. Right. As opposed to that clean lottery money, you know, that the government fucking makes bank on. Those pieces of shit with that lottery. I hate the lottery so much. Oh, it's ridiculous. It's ridiculous. It should be illegal so fast. The state's terrible. Yep.

The person whose roosters won the most matches took home the money except for 10% Kept by referees That's a pretty good paycheck For a referee in a cockfight I'm very conflicted again about cockfighting I don't give a fuck I don't care

You just can't live in a culture where you eat The smartest animal on earth which is the pig By the way And then you can't just complain about, oh, the way that they died. I saw Food Nation. I saw Food Inc. Yeah. And everyone was so sad and devastated when they watched that goddamn movie.

And if you were sad when you watched Food Inc. and you had been eating food up to that point, you should feel bad. If you didn't realize how animals die. Right. Like, I was watching that documentary. I was like, that's how you kill a thing. You smash it to death with a huge goddamn heavy stone. Yeah.

You know, it was. Or you slit its throat and hang it upside down. Sure. They shoot some of them, you know. That's how you kill things. They kill stuff. Right. How'd you think it worked?

Use a gun. Exactly. How did you think? That's what I wanted to know. Did they all get in a sleep? Everyone thought, well, they had a wonderful life and then they died of old age. So I'm eating grandpa chicken right now. It's like, no, of course.

It's baby chicken. Mm-hmm. Oh, it's so juicy. Baby lambs, anything baby. I'm prepared. I'm cool with everything that I eat. I'm cool with how it got to my plate. I agree with you.

I'm not one of these guys that go, I don't want to hear it. No, just tell me. Cool. Okay, that sucks, but I love it. You have to accept it. Listen to it. I say drown them.

Drown them? Drown them, yeah. That's a horrible death. That's the adrenaline. You don't? Drown them, yeah. It's a horrible death. It's the adrenaline. You don't want the adrenaline. Adrenaline and meat fucking, yeah, makes it bad. I always thought that if things got bad enough, I could drown a turkey in a toilet. If things got bad enough, you could drown a turkey in the toilet?

This is a thought you always think about? What is wrong with you? I don't think we'd be able to catch a turkey. And where are you going to get a turkey? Where are you getting a turkey? I mean, they're around. They're around. They're in Battery Park. They are in Battery Park. That's true. think about? What is wrong with you? And where are you going to get a turkey? Where are you getting a turkey? They're in Battery Park. They are in Battery Park.

That's true. Watching him try to catch a turkey, though, would definitely be a lot of fun. A little hook shot to the face. Ryland, how are you doing? I'm good. You've been on tour a lot, right? Do you have any good stories? Any fun story you want to tell'm good, man. I'm really good. You've been on tour a lot, right? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Do you have any good stories? Any fun story you want to tell?

Yeah, sure. You ever punch a turkey? Never punched a turkey. So you've never been on tour? Yeah. I've never really been on tour. You ever get in any violent situations? Like any, like the audience goes crazy?

Yeah, totally. You know, we opened for Justin Bieber once. What? Really? How was that? Really hectic. Really scary. Truly?

No, truly, truly. Kevin, he opened for Justin Bieber. Yeah. Really? Martin loves Justin Bieber. Yeah, he's cool. You met him? He's kind of a douchebag or a nice guy?

No, no, no. Honest to God, kind of like a decent, nice kid. Oh, nice. He was 17. Right, but that's great to hear. Actually, there was a bit of arrested development, I would say. He would be backstage kind of like pranking people. He was like shooting us with super soakers

and like lobbing candy over the wall of our dressing room and then like snickering. I don't know about you guys, but when I was 17, I was fucking done with super soakers. I was like trying to touch boobs and whatever, smoke cigarettes or some shit. But yeah, he was just a kid. Yeah.

Just a kid. So you got a chance to open it for him and how I would assume a huge crowd. Huge crowds. The biggest one I think was in Peru. It was 90,000 people. Dang. These are all the like Estadio Olimpico is like where they do like soccer matches and shit.

Oh, amazing. To answer the question though, around all that was a bunch of mania and a bunch of death threats and a bunch of... And what was the reason for the death threats and the mania? Just Bieber. Just like... The fact that he was there? Just the fact that he was there.

Just like power. I don't know. It's fucked down there. They put the fear in you. South America, I'm referring to, in general, is mostly fucked. And they put the fear in you right before you go down there. You have security detail everywhere.

You have someone waiting on your hotel floor, on the floor, stopping you from getting on the elevator. I mean, it's fucked. Kidnapping. Oh, because of kidnapping. So, I mean, yeah, Bieber would be a pretty big get, and so would you, of course. Yeah. What they want to do is

all of us really I mean anyone that looks like they're not from there that if you're down there with a show and something like Bieber then they know that you're attached to you might not have the money but you're a couple phone calls away from someone who does and that's all it is we're going to kill them if you don't give us $150,000

so you finally got to the stage after being like terrified for your life did the audience turn their back on you and be like you're not bieber you're not they were right they were great you know why because these kids don't get to go to a lot of shows this that's like the show they go to that year right right is what we learned because they were particularly rowdy i mean they just like crying and like you know they don't even really know who our band was. This was Cobra Starship? This was Cobra Starship, yeah. And so, yeah.

It was really scary. Absolutely. Couldn't go anywhere. You know, you think you pictured like tour, you know, like, oh cool, I'll go to like a cute little street market and buy some shit for my girlfriend. Nah, none of that. You were in the hotel the whole fucking time. Until the show. Until the show. So you're like a cock before it fights. Oh yeah, it's not unlike being a cockfighter.

Did they pump you full of steroids as well? It was so sketchy that we would get fucked up every night in the hotel with all the crew and stuff like that. With Justin Bieber as well? No. We were in the same hotel? Yeah, we'd be at the same hotel, but he was 17. He didn't really come out.

We actually did go out one night. Get this. This is cute, guys. I love a good cute story. He wasn't partying. He was 17, but he had a beer that was behind the bar or something, and he would go up, and he had a cup, and the bartender would pour a little bit of, like a Stella or something,

pour a little bit into a cup, and he would leave and then, like, chill on that for, like like 20 minutes or something. Oh, that's hilarious. That's great. What a wonderful experience. I feel like, I mean, you're 17, 18, you're on a world tour. Enjoy a beer. Get the kid a Stella.

At least a few beers. When I was 17, I did the most drugs I've ever done in my life. Oh yeah, 17 for me. I can't believe I got to 18. What were your thoughts on the most chugs I've ever done in my life. Oh, yeah. 17. Oh, yeah. I can't believe I got to 18. Yeah. What were your thoughts on, like, fame?

Did it, like, make you realize, like, what true, like, unbelievable world celebrity is? Because Bieber is huge. Yeah. Influence, you know.

He has tons of influence. It's scary. All those people, you know, anyone that big has a lot of influence. And so when he was 17, he was calling the shots.

So you just heard him, like, demanding things that he wanted to, like, adults. Yeah, I mean, he was, yes and no. The whole power structure is weird. He was a good little kid. And so when he was 17 he was calling the shots. So you just heard him like demanding things that he wanted to like adults. Yeah, I mean he was, yes and no. He was a good little kid. Honestly, again he was just like a fucking good little kid. Was his hot mom there? No, she wasn't there for that. His hot girlfriend was

what's her name? Selena Gomez? Yeah, and she was chill. She was like bigger than him. Physically and I think, you know, no, no, no. Taller. Just like she just looked like a woman and he was like this kid. You're just a huge pothead though.

Well, I guess they're both huge potheads now. That I can't. Yeah. He's always older. Now he's like almost 21. Now he can do whatever. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I think it's hilarious that he challenged all the, uh, the, one of the believers to the ice bucket challenge, which basically just just had a bunch of girls in bikinis pouring ice water all over themselves for days. Instant drought. Beaver makes a call like that. Drought. I have major respect for Beaver, man.

Dealing with that kind of publicity and that kind of fame and that kind of success at 17, it's nuts. It's got to drive you crazy. I mean, all the shit he's doing nowadays, it makes perfect sense. So is this all positive towards Justin Bieber? I don't mind Bieber.

He's an angel. I think he'll... That was sad, though. I feel like exactly what Ryland was saying. He wasn't able to grow up. Then now he's like 22 and he's doing that shit. I was going to ask you that. It's a bit like the Michael Jackson thing.

Do you think he might go that route? I don't know. I don't know if he'll go that weird. Yeah. That's a few. He also got to see what happened to Michael Jackson. Yeah. Right, right.

I don't think he cares about anything else besides what's going on inside his house. As a fan of the paranormal, as a fan of horror, as a fan of macabre and strange, Michael Jackson has quickly become one of my favorite human beings that's ever existed in hindsight. Oh, yeah. Bizarre. Truly bizarre shit. Truly bizarre. Yeah, but the kids are doing great.

Paris is doing well. His kids are good. I think he just hugged them. He definitely hugged them. He hugged them. He hugged them. He didn't fuck his kids. No, he didn't.

He didn't have sex with any child. I think he just held them. I literally think he held them. I really think... I really think it was about deep companionship. Yes. I know it sounds naive, but that's what I said. No, and having love he never had. I don't think he held them. I really think it was about deep companionship. Yes. I know it sounds naive, but that's what I said.

No, and having a love he never had. I don't think he did. I think he's, like, too stupid to fuck. Michael Jackson is not stupid. He's a genius. He knows what he's doing. But, no, he was an asexual fella. Yeah.

Who, you know, who wanted. A lot of love to give. And what about his kids that he actually did have? They're doing great. Do you think they were, like, he jerked off in a cup and they squirted in his wife? I think he banged that chick. You think he banged her? I think he banged her. I think it was awkward and strange

but I think he got it in there. That's what she said. Kevin, you bang her? I think he banged her. Yeah. I think it might have been squirted in. No, she said that they had sex. Well, she can say whatever the fuck she wants. He's fucking dead as shit. Well, he is, but what a great character and what a great human being he was.

And he was demonized by the public, and let's hope Bieber doesn't go that way. Just look at all his eras, too. They're all just incredible. Bad era, thriller era. So good. All iconic, you know? He did it right, too.

He was putting out like one album every five years. It wasn't like he was flooding us with shit. He was working hard, man. And there's a great documentary on Netflix. I think it's called MJ20. Ooh. And it's all about like him going through that trial, man. I mean, it damn near killed the man.

Yeah. It damn near killed him. I mean, it started with him on top of the limo just being like, hey, this is going to be fine. And by the end of it, that dude was, I mean, he was, it was his Vietnam. I mean, he never, he never recovered. No one can deal with it. There's not a person on this world that could deal with the amount of shit.

No. As a man who was just in jail, it's insane to have your power taken away, and it's insane to know that somebody else is completely in their hands. Are you likening yourself to Michael Jackson? I'm the Michael of my generation. You know, I don't. I've heard that before. I just said it.

I just said it, and I've heard it before. No, but I think he was innocent. You're right, don't. I've heard that before. I just said it. I just said it and I've heard it before. No, but I think he was innocent. You're right, Rowland. Yeah. If we don't know and we can't prove it, I always say just go with the thing that makes you feel nice. Yeah. Who was the favorite person you ever went on tour with?

That's a very good thing, I am. Favorite person ever on tour with was, for me, it was a childhood thing, Dinosaur Jr. Oh, great. Probably one of my favorite bands of all time growing up. And we did a European festival run with them. That was just fucking awesome. That was different than the Peru trip.

You got a lot of freedom and you got drunk and had a good time. Oh, yeah, yeah. Partied. Totally, totally. Didn't feel sketched out or anything. Europe's great. Europe's a fucking ball. Yeah.

Yeah. Dinosaur Junior. Got to watch him side stage. That's great. That's fucking amazing. Yeah. I love it. We might be going there in March for last podcast

on the left. Nice. What about England tour? Oh, really? Yeah. I love England. That's awesome, man. Dinosaur Jr. and Bieber.

Yeah. Good God, my life sucks. That's the spectrum. I failed at everything. But he came to, Jay Maskis came to see us play and just fucking hated it and left

and I watched it happen and it crushed me. Oh, no. It was like, I bumped into him, you know you know and he's like we're at a weird festival and he i'm like how you doing jay and he's like oh i don't know okay just i'm not really feeling a lot of this stuff and i'm like yeah yeah me either you know like just kind of going along with it yeah and he's like are you playing and i was like no no no no we're just we're just hanging out today and someone in our crew was like yeah we are we going in 30 minutes i'm like he's referring to a i was like, no, no, no, no. We're just hanging out today. And someone in our crew was like, yeah, we are.

We go on in 30 minutes. I'm like, he's referring to a press. I was like trying to do everything I could so that Jay wouldn't come and see us because I knew he wouldn't like it. And I got, you know, and he showed up, you know, under a minute and just 360, you know, 180 and went right back out.

Oh, that's insane. Yeah. But you know, you have to. How did you feel? Were you on stage and you saw it happen while you were on stage, but you still have to like cock rock. you still have to be your fucking superstar self Still got it. Yeah completely so inside you were just shattered. I was shattered

It was a weird like long-form childhood like you know what I mean Man wasn't supposed to go down like this, but if it's cool. It's a generational thing. There's you know he's you know He's into weird shit.'m sure Not what we were doing How were the crowds at Warped Tour For Dinosaur Jr Were people go and see them They would never be on a bill there I don't think they would ever do

Warped Tour No it was just a European tour It was like Pukal Pop All these cool multi-format festivals Like Billy Corgan did his reunion shows. Did you get to meet him? No, fuck no. He showed up in Chopper though.

Really? He made a big thing about it, right? So he's like, he had been doing stuff. How is he so depressed? Yeah, I know. I know. He like got a bassist that looked just like the bassist from Smashing Pumpkins, like a blonde girl.

And he got a guitarist who was like an Asian guy. He was really fucked. He was really weird. And he was announcing that he was going to be showing up in helicopters and stuff like that. So a band played a prank on him. You remember CSS? The band CSS?

Yeah, I remember. Great fucking band, right? Awesome band. Jokesters, okay? Absolute jokesters. Rebellions. Made a flyer saying that he was going to be having a party in his helicopter. Okay.

And, like, signed it as Billy Corrigan and everything and printed it out and put it under all the doors of all the dressing rooms and stuff like that just because they thought it was so absurd. Yeah, yeah. And everyone showed up at this helipad at the end and, you know. Was Billy Corrigan quite upset? He was pissed, yeah. Or no, but just, like, didn't get it, you know. He was sorigan quite upset? He was pissed, yeah. Or no, but just didn't get it.

He was so funny about it. It's fucking funny, dude. You came in a chopper, you know. I love the idea of playing a practical joke on Billy Corrigan. Yeah. That needs to be a reality show. Yeah. Every episode, five new pranks on Billy Corrigan.

Yeah. Watching that dude get upset would be hilarious. So sick. Oh, my God. I didn't see it personally, but yeah, that's what I heard, yeah. That's brilliant. Yeah. Watching that dude get upset would be hilarious. So sick. Oh, my God. I didn't see it personally, but yeah, that's what I heard, yeah. That's brilliant. Yeah. I love it.

Marcus, what's another news story? More animals? Yeah, actually. We're good. We've been doing all animals lately. I love it, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, animals are just the best.

They are the best. Chaos. A backpacker who suffered from nosebleeds during a trip to Southeast Asia came home to discover she had a three-inch leech living up her nose. Ooh. Good Christ. Daniela Liverani nicknamed the animal Mr. Curly. She kept it?

Yeah, she kept it. What? 24-year-old, what? Yeah. Wouldn't be news if it was just in her, you know? Yeah. Yeah. The 24-year-old from Glasgow told the scottish daily record she noticed

a lump poking out of her right nostril but initially thought it was just congealed blood as she had fallen off a motorbike while in vietnam however she soon noticed something was amiss she said when i was in the shower he would come right out as far as my bottom lip and i can see him sticking out the bottom of my nose so when that happened last thursday i jumped out of the shower to look really closely in the mirror and saw ridges So when that happened last Thursday, I jumped out of the shower to look really closely in the mirror and saw ridges on him. That's when I realized he was an animal. How do you go back from that?

How close do you need to look, lady? Yeah. She seemed to like it. Yeah, and she said it was but she said it was agony when they pulled the thing out. She said when the doctor grabbed him, I could feel the leech tugging at the inside of my nose. That's fucked.

Fucking hell, man. And she could feel it inside her head. She said at one point, I could feel him up at my eyebrow. I asked the doctor what would have happened if I hadn't gone to the hospital, and she said he'd probably have worked his way into my brain. I love that she gives it a gender as well. Yeah, him. Yeah.

Wow. She kept it out of all that she gives it a gender as well. Yeah, him. Yeah. Wow. She kept it out of all the things that it's her pet now. You smash it with a hammer. Well, I mean, I don't know. I guess it was inside of you.

You guys have a relationship. You bonded with him. It's like a baby, yeah. I don't know if she kept it or not. Is the puppet master with the one puppet that leeches come out of her mouth?

Yeah. Oh, yes. I love that puppet. That's where I just went mentally. Also, the great scene in Friday the 13th or Nightmare on Elm Street. The craft.

The craft as well, yeah. Great outdoors. There's lots of good leech movies. Stand by me. Oh, the toy. This isn't the worst thing that could happen to a person though. As far as things up your nose, I guess a leech. It's pretty bad, but the leech gets to live

off your blood uh blood i i think that she was appreciating its way to her brain she had no it didn't seem like it she saw it and was like oh this is nothing right it was a leech coming out of her nose she's like oh this is nothing she's ruined man yeah she's like the dog that guy had sex with you ever sleep ever again yeah that's what i was gonna was going to say. I would feel things inside of my head. It's probably nothing. It's probably easier to sleep when you're not in Vietnam. Yeah. I wanted to go to Vietnam until I just heard this story.

This scares me. This is what changed you? I wanted the cheap food. You want to go to Vietnam for the cheap food. Yeah. You're going to get sick. You're going to get dysentery. You're going to die. I watched Anthony Bourd's, yeah. You're going to get sick. You're going to get dysentery. You're going to die.

I watched Anthony Bourdain's show. Anthony Bourdain is different. He also went to fucking South Africa and had a great time. I'd go there, too. He goes with a camera crew and has a bunch of fun and money, Eddie. So I should do that, then. Yeah. Tip the TV.

Do that. Oh, my God. Oh, wow. Unbelievable. So this woman survived the leech, though. Yeah, there was another case in 2005 where a 55-year-old Chinese woman had a leech living in her nasal cavity. This happens. For how long?

A little while. It doesn't say exactly. Oh, three weeks. I feel like that's kind of cute. It's a Chinese year. Do you think that either one of them tried to pull the leech out? Or do you think they went right to the hospital? It's slippery.

I would take tweezers. They have tri-prongs that attach to you. A treble hook. They're very difficult to remove. You gotta stab it and then yank it. What was the disease they were trying to cure with leeches? All diseases. Yeah, you gotta stab it And then yank it What was the disease that was trying to be

They were trying to cure with leeches All diseases Leeches and maggots and all that It's the Rasputin kid Cause they eat the horrible That's what they do Yeah, they fucking go after the wound And fucking destroy it

Demi Moore regularly uses leeches To suck her blood That's who the cute person I thought was. That's why she looks so young. She married Ashton Kutcher. He's a real leech. He's a father now, okay? Yeah, he is. That's a kid. Oh, never mind.

That's a different podcast. We'll be getting into Hollywood this podcast. Man, he has... Kevin's got two stars here. Her baby girl's name is Wyatt. Wyatt? That is a boy's name. I know it's gender, whatever, whatever,

but I think that's weird for a girl's name. It should be Wyatt-a? Yeah, like Wyatt-a. No, Wyatt's fine. Like Wy-een-ta. Wy-een-ta. With an N-yay on top of it. Wyatt's unisex for me, I think.

Yeah, Wyatt's a fine name for a female. Yeah, no problem. Wyatt is a good girl. Strap a gun on her fucking hip, then. I'm with you on this one, Jackie. Thank you. Yeah, Wyatt's a fine name for a female. Strap a gun on her fucking hip then. I'm with you on this one, Jackie. Thank you. Still not. I say no matter what, get her a gun.

Yeah, get her a gun anyway. She's a baby. She has to defend herself. Give the kid a gun. I agree. You get a gun until you're 5 and then you gotta give it back until you're 18. Alright, so the leech is up this woman's nose and now the leech is gone and the woman has it and the leech is doing just fine.

And there was another story in 2002 where a young girl was treated in Malaysia and she had a leech living in her vagina. Whoa! They like moist and they like dark. Yikes! Jackie, what do you think? You're the only one with a vagina here. Am I?

I think so. A leech is in there. No, no, no. I have no leeches inside my vagina. What bug would you like the most inside your vagina? Caterpillar. I feel like caterpillar would probably be the best one. A little bit hairy. I wouldn't want one of the thorny ones.

I would want a big hairy one that you put it in and it probably would just like, I would teach it how to rub on my clit. But the hairy ones are usually, it's poison. Usually with the hair. Yeah, but isn't that just what love is? You were petite.

Plus the acid in there just kills any stuff like that. Yeah, I got a whole, it's like a car wash system down there. Can you guys see that thing on Facebook, though, of the caterpillar in Florida that was like, if you see this, don't even look at it. It's like the most dangerous caterpillar of all time. No.

It's a big fucking furry-ass thing. So it's like, there's caterpillars everywhere in fucking Florida. Right. There's also those praying mantises that are the size of two of your hands that are neon purple. And those you can touch. You can? Yeah, you can touch those.

They're bad for your plants, but you can touch them. But the tiny caterpillars, you're not supposed to touch. I touch them. I agree. Sometimes I got a rash, though. Yeah, that'll happen every time you touch a caterpillar. You may or may not get a rash, but I agree. A caterpillar inside of your pussy, I would be totally fine with, Jackie.

Thank you. Leech, though, no thank you. All right, it's time for a segment from Ed Larson. No, I was like, thank God. I'm not doing one today. Oh, it's what? We don't have the fucking segment. You say that now.

Yeah, you better be good, Eddie. I'm saying it now. How would you kill Holden McNeely so the world remembered how he got murdered? No, I would never kill him if the world will remember him. I'm not doing it if the world will remember him. Why would you want the world to remember him? All right, fine. Scratch the last part.

How would you kill Holden McNeely? You just have him look at the mirror for four hours, and he'll shoot himself in the face. He's disgusting. That's fun. All right, that's Ben's, I guess. Yeah, drain his bumps. Drain his bumps. Yeah, drain his bumps.

Make him drink it. Make him drink it. Fill him with his own liquids. Like, grow his whole body. Instant death. And then he's done. Hold him. This is a pint of your neck bump fluid.

Yes. And I want you to drink it, and it's done. Hold him. This is a pint of your neck bump fluid. Yes. And I want you to drink it, and it's been nice knowing you. You don't have to give it to him, man. Just have him lie on his side, and all the fucking juice from him will fall into his own nose. That's why he sleeps on his back. Let him drown on his own face juice. Or have him smoke it. That's a good idea.

He'd be too happy. He'd be like, oh, I got my fucking sweet lump juice to smoke. That's a good idea. He'd be too happy. He'd be like, I got my fucking sweet lump juice to smoke. And then you'd die. Dank lump juice. Dank lump juice. I mean, honestly, also, side note,

beating the fuck out of him with a bat. I know. I know. Why not? I want him to look Look in his eyes I would want to put Candy inside of his mouth Make him a piñata Hit him in the face

The candy would pop out And I'd be like Now your whole body is a sink My mouth wide open Trying to catch some of it Yeah Oh yeah Yeah

Choke him to death Gloves of course Cause you don't want to Touch the neck You know but like Choke him to death Just look at him Talk

Say whisper shit To his ear while he's pulling off all of his fucking nail lumps. Love squirting on you and shit. It's weird because I know this is biologically impossible, but I have fascinated about just like hitting him in the stomach with a bat and just watching him shit all the fat out. It's just skin and bones.

He dies all skinny and he's like, I've died the way I wanted to. I've died the way I wanted to look the whole time. That's fun. What do you think would be a good way to kill Holden Ryland? Ton of weed. I would make sure he'd be the first guy that would die of weed. I feel like maybe get ripped apart by a bunch of lizards.

Also, that'd be the first way because no one's ever died from weed. Be like, oh, no, there's Holden McNeely. You know about that ever died from weed. Be like, oh no, there's Holden McNeely. You know about that? Holden idiot McNeely. Yeah, good old dumb Holden McNeely. And then some conservative runs on the platform to make weed even more illegal. He's like, the Holden McNeely law. Yeah.

He dies. He dies of weed, but it's because he keeps shoving it down his throat and he chokes on it. Oh, I love that idea. Yeah. Push it into his butt. Yeah, put it in his ass, put it in his dick hole. Sew his butt shut.

Yeah. Oh, I have a good one, too. Keep him in a cell. Cut off all of his fingers and his toes. We keep it in a cooler. We don't feed him. But the only thing we will feed him is the frozen fingers and toes that we cut off his body. Put him in a pool, but with a mask that only allows him enough oxygen that will make him live for eight hours.

Little by little, so he's slowly drowned. See, I was going to say buried alive. Buried alive could be fun. Casket or no casket? I wouldn't want to do that. Casket. You do the casket, and you have the tube that goes down. So he can breathe.

Yeah, so he can breathe. And you can hear his like, ooh! You can give him days of food. Give him a bunch of jerky. Give him something to read. Days of food. A bunch of days of food would be a fucking year's supply of McDonald's. The man eats so goddamn much.

No, I would say give him hope and then rip it away. Oh, that's perfect. At the last minute, you just rip out the tube. You scream into the tube. No, no, no. You're going to die. Right, right, right. You don't get out.

You never get out. It would be nice to do some type of Chinese water torture thing, which you hook a hose up to the back of his neck and just collects all of his, like, you know, face grease. Sweats, yeah. And it just, like, comes up to the ceiling, and it drips his own grease on top of his head. So it burbles through to his brain, and it kills him. I imagine it would it drips his own grease on top of his head. It just burrows through to his brain and it kills him.

I imagine it would take about 30 minutes. That's great. That is good. Get him into the NFL and have him be a kick returner. And just tell everybody that is supposed to be blocking not to block on that play. And everyone just tackles him. And then they never have to stop and they can just punch him to death. That's a good idea.

Cut his feet off. Oh, that good idea. Cut his feet off. Oh, that's perfect. Cut his feet off and then send a bunch of animals out there. Animals that like blood. Like in a forest. Yeah, yeah. Cut his feet off and then release a bunch of wolves. Put a bunch of honey on his nuts.

Oh, yeah, man. Bears and bees, baby. Yeah, man. Oh, my God. There's so many fun things to do. But sometimes the bees end up fighting the bear and they end up winning. I don't think the bees

are going to win when you fight against a bear. I don't know. Get a monkey, tie him to a chair, have a monkey above him, scalp him so just his brain is exposed

and tell the monkey to eat. Oh, yeah, yeah. That monkey eats his brain. It's a chip. Reverse Indiana Jones. Yeah. Yeah, bottle of fucking Cuervo in that monkey.

That's good. Get the monkey drunk so the monkey's real hungry. Give it a bunch of fucking... Quaaludes. Meth. Meth? No, meth doesn't make you hungry. But it makes you nuts. It does.

It does. Bath salts. Bath salts. We know that shit works. Where is bath salts? You make it. Bath salts is done now. We can make it ourselves.

It's still around. Yeah. I would like to get hold of fake tits and just get them bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger and bigger until his chest explodes. Or his back snaps in half. That would be amazing. That or if he becomes like the

bad guy in Nightmare Before Christmas. He's a bag filled with bugs. So we keep shoving him filled with bugs. Shoving him filled with bugs. Until he explodes. Well, he'd probably like to eat that much. Yeah.

Slice his tits off. That's why we don't. Oh, yeah. No, no, no. You don't feed him the bugs. You cut open his body and shove the bugs into the body cavity. Slice his tits off. Put the bugs in his tits.

So the tits back on. Yeah. This is great, guys. I love this. I've had such a nice time. I know. This is really perfect. I dreaded a nice time I know this is really perfect I dreaded the segment and I'm happy

I know Eddie you were right Jackie we should both apologize to Eddie I'm sorry This is really good for me And now I can deal with him at the murder meeting tomorrow You cut him open and you sew him back up but with

aluminum or something like razor wire. Shave off his hair. Cut off his lumps. Glue them to his dick. Oh, that's going to help him. Is that going to help him? Oh, I guess, yeah.

Cutting off his lumps, like taking his power away. Yeah, exactly. Like a Rasta cutting off his dreads, you know, it's like sacrilege. At the same token, I believe that if we just use like regular soap applied to his face, I think it would cause a lot of burning.

Yeah. I would like to cut off his teeth, not pull them out, but cut them off and then have him chew the rest of it. With the nubs of it. Yeah. So remove his scales.

Well, that's impossible. That's hard. Yeah, you got to get like a fish tool. You got to get in there, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Big fish tool. That or give him gills so he can properly become a fish. But we don't know that he doesn't already have them.

That's true. I don't get too close. So that's a good way, too. He drowns when we're trying to find out if he's got gills or not. We cut off his arms and legs. Put gills. Or at least glue them together. Figure it out.

We go into his neck to remove the gills. And if we don't get to gills while trying to remove the gills we find out he doesn't have gills. Either way he dies. Win-win. Replace his heart with an apple. That's it. That's what we're going to go with.

Replace his heart with an apple? Replace his heart with an apple. I was thinking maybe skin him alive like the bodies exhibit. It ain't going to stop, Marcus. It ain't going to stop. I want to talk about this for the rest of my life. We could do a whole podcast about it.

Oh, my God. Get him alive, but keep him alive, and then put him in the bodies exhibit. And then he has to look at all the people staring at him and be like, ew, yuck, disgusting, because that's how we see him anyway. Drop a curio cabinet on his head. Brilliant. God, there's so many ways. I want to see him trampled by giraffes.

Oh, man. That would be fun. If they don't trample him, they'll adopt him. That's right. Oh, my God. Yeah, just cover him in sod and throw him into a goddamn den of lions. Make him perform in a donkey show, but he's a donkey. Right, so he has to get milk then.

Yeah, the milk is going to come. No, no, that's good for him. Yeah, if he's the donkey, that means that he's fucking the woman. Yeah, they don't kill the donkey. He's in the donkey show, but he's the woman. He should be the woman. Oh, he's going to come. No, no, that's good for him. Yeah, if he's the donkey, that means that he's fucking the woman. Yeah, they don't kill the donkey. He's in the donkey show, but he's the woman. He should be the woman. Oh, he's the woman. He's the woman, yeah.

And then at the end, they milk him and rape him to death. Yeah, they rape him to death. The donkey rapes him to death, and if the donkey don't do it, then, you know, a team. Somebody in the audience will. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or no one's leaving. Yeah. No one's leaving until this lumpy piece

of shit is dead and bleeding. Get him quartered. That would be good. Braveheart. Braveheart him. Just do the whole Braveheart thing. Remove his testicles. Call him a racist.

What would he yell instead of freedom? Eggs? Nugs. Scream. Hold it in It's about a real good execution where you break a man's joints every joint in his body you break it with a hammer so as to not damage any of the internal organs

and then you crucify him and leave him up there to die for two or three days. Too good for holding. Too good for holding. That's good. I like that. A bit too legendary. People would remember that.

Yeah, exactly. We have to do something. I mean, in France, they used to do it all the time. Yeah. I'd call them, I'd just, what the mafia used to do, cement shoes, I'd do cement head

and just throw them in the fucking river. Put his head in a bunch of wet cement, let it dry, and throw his fucking body in there. Nice little twist on a classic. I like that. Yep, cement head and just throw him in the fucking river. Put his head in a bunch of wet cement, let it dry, and throw his fucking body in there. Nice little twist on a classic. I like that. Yep, cement head. Dumb cement head holding.

Dumb, good old, there goes dumb cement head holding. Or, yeah, drill eye holes and drill a mouth hole and he has to walk around with a cement head forever. Yeah. So he fucking dies. Dumb cement head. Yeah. What a fat pig. Oh, man, he's going to die. Oh, God. Yeah, this is man he's gonna die

This is how he's gonna die Go to the round table page on Facebook And let us know how you would like to see Holden murdered And hopefully one day it happens You know what the beautiful thing about this is With every other segment we choose a winner But really We're all winners

We're all winners Everyone's a winner. I'm immediately better at segments than Holden. Oh, yeah. No, I'm so happy to do that one. I hate Holden segments with all of my heart. All right, Jackie, Eddie. Aw, that was mean.

No, that wasn't mean. It was just true. Come to the Murder Fist Halloween special October 30th at the Creek in a Cave 10pm opening with also with Kevin Barnett. Right. I'm hosting a show at another venue. The same night? Don't go there. At Standing Room. The Standing Room? Yeah. Oh, okay. I'm hosting a show there.

Are there some chairs there? No, there are some chairs. What's that? I think it's at 8. Oh, okay. When's the show here? 10. Perfect. So come to the Standing Room at 8pm on October 30th. I'm hosting a show there and then we'll all walk to the creek together, and we'll do the Murderfish show. Sounds great. Ryland, awesome.

Thank you so much for coming. You got anything you want to plug, buddy? What's your Twitter? No, I'm cool. Good for you, man. He worked with Bieber. He doesn't need us to plug him for me. Yeah, it's a wrap for me.

I'm done. I'm at the top of the mountain right now. Yeah. I don't want to take anything from you guys. For God's sakes, watch Kevin's television show on Tuesday at 9.30. Because no one else is going to. People are going to watch. It's going to be huge.

True TV. If you know some of the Nielsen box, you call them. Wait, what is it? What are you doing? It's a show. He's got a brand new sketch show coming out on Tuesday. What's it called? Friends of the People.

Oh, cool. It's 10.30. Sick. Everyone has to watch it so his pants can get smaller and his thighs can get bigger. They're the same pants just filled with dick yeah exactly oh it ain't dick

I know and speaking of which don't forget to go to robertdick.net oh yeah to email master flutist robert dick

to come on this flutist the round flutist he wrote flutist on there but the word is flutist he's a revolutionary composer flutist isn't a word look at is flouted. He's a revolutionary composer.

Flutist isn't a word. Look at this man. Everyone look at this man and tell me that that is not a man that knows how to write flutist. I mean, if he's a floutist, I mean, $5 for a tray of flout is here at the Creek in the Cave. You're an idiot, Ed. All right, we have to end the episode because Eddie's too dumb to continue. Get Bobby Dick. Get Bobby Dick on here. Get Bobby Dick. Get Bobby Dick on here.

Get Bobby Dick. Get Bobby Dick 2014. Bobby Dick could have a steakhouse. Bobby Dick could have a sports locker. Oh, yeah. Bobby Dick's everything. Bobby Dick's sporting goods? Perfect.

Why not?