The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 22: Four Loko's Last Hurrah

Episode Date: May 4, 2015

We had one Four Loko each. ONE. In fact, two of us halved a beverage. Tune in to hear us crawl out of our own skin. Causes Jackie to say things like, “I want to be ridden like a puppet.” This week’s news also brought us some of the sickest stories we’ve had in a while. Mix the two together and you have this, the 22nd episode of The Round Table of Gentlemen. Chuckle Hut members this week include stand-up comedy bad-aces Nick Turner and Mark Normand (two of the best in town), plus the King of Chuckle, Henry Zebrowski!

I'm getting the bad out of the way. What's that? Are we starting the show? We are. Who is on fucking prayer? Eddie, you're praying. I'm praying. I'm praying.

Everyone bow your heads. Close your eyes. In the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Ghost, amen. Amen. It's a confession. It's a confession this week. Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been 15 years since my last confession.

Alright, let's get on with it. I kicked the dog in the face a couple years ago. That's okay. Shit on my laundry. I, uh... Masturbated constantly. Lied to women. Yeah.

I drank till I couldn't see anymore. I don't know if masturbator should be in the past tense. I have, uh... I have farted I have farted in 2,872 elevators. And I don't feel bad about it. Or want forgiveness. I just wanted to brag about it.

I have contributed to the demise of a once sweet girl, now a beast fueled by a fifth of whiskey and a drippy underneath. Hell yeah. Jackie. I didn't hurt me that bad. That's Jackie.

That's Jackie. That's my sister. That's my sister with the drippy underneath. And finally, my last sin, I wanted to remind you that I think that everything you do sucks. You made a bad choice. You quit and moved back in with your mother and just beat off for the rest of your life. I hope I never speak to you again. In the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit, Amen.

Welcome to the Roundtable of Gentlemen. I wish I knew who was on this fucking show. I'm Jackie Zabrowski. I'm Ed Larson. I'm Ben Kissel. In the Chuckle Hut, we've got a lot of whole stinky people. Real fat, real hairy Mark Norman, ladies and gentlemen. How are you, Mark? I thought you were going for Nick Turner. I know, that's where I described.

You're real fat. Nick Turner is here, ladies and gentlemen. Hello, I'm Rick Barnett. Sounds like a French fry. Henry Zabbrowski and Brian Baldinger Thank you guys so much for being here Baldinger with us as always Newsman Marcus Parks What do you got for us?

925 dead pigs found inside Pennsylvania barn And before we get into the story I would like to mention this is also 4Loco Podcast 4Loco Podcast If you got a 4Loco Before we get into the story, I would like to mention this is also a Four Loko podcast. Four Loko podcast. Four Loko. So let's crack them. If you've got a Four Loko, I say crack it. KB's going with the watermelon just to double up on stereotypes.

Marcus, you and me are sharing this. Holy Jesus. That is the worst thing I've ever tasted. Anyway, what's the story? This is such a bad idea. Oh my god. There's so much. Oh, just reeks of porlo. Mine's like cotton candy

flavored, I think. I got fruit punch flavor. It's fantastic. He only had watermelon at the place I went to. And I think, how are you supposed to drink this much watermelon flavored anything? Really? It's so big. It's about midnight. Jackie's just got done

with her first date. She's about to be fisted. It's so big. Her final words. Speaking of abortions, 2,000 aborted fetuses found in Thai Temple. Really? That's where you put them. What's with the huge numbers?

That's more than the pigs. Yeah, that's much more than the pigs. 2,000 found in Thai Temple. I love how they call it 2K, too. Mark is being nice, but they call it 2K dead babies. Yeah, it's some sort of marathon. I think if you're going to be a dead baby, though, that's the most peaceful place to rest. You're at least in a Thai temple.

No one's going to fuck your mouth. It's a Buddhist temple. You know how in some abortions they go in and they hack it up inside of you before they suck it out with the vacuum? Like, do you think it's, like, actual, like, chunks? I don't know. How was yours done? Jackie, if you were to abort a baby. Where would you leave your baby?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Smell it, smell it. Yeah, you smell that. Well, I would definitely have the baby and leave it somewhere just to, like, make someone's day that much brighter. Oh, yeah. Oh, look, a baby! A perverted stork left a dead baby on my step. What a fantastic situation.

Do you ever step on a dead bird in the street? Yeah. It's just like the worst thing that can happen to you. So I imagine if it's a child, if it's a dead child, I mean, I guess it's the opposite. It's funnier. It's like, yeah, it's nice. I wish that would have happened instead of the banana peel, just first off, and then it would just be like classic,

oh, what, did you slip on a dead baby? Come on! There must have been a dead baby under your shoe there. No, I love the idea of just dead babies. You always know when fall is coming, or maybe it's spring, when all the dead fetus birds that couldn't fly, they were like, I'm going to fly off the nest.

And it's like you were too young and immature. And now you're dead on the floor. You're just a little heart. Can you eat placenta? Isn't placenta delicious? I think you're actually supposed to shoot it up like heroin. Yeah. Turner, what are your thoughts on eating placenta?

Too stringy. on eating placenta? I saw placenta once on a city bus. Away. Get out of here. There was a woman, I mean, I guess she had a miscarriage. She got up at the bus stop. She grabbed her son,

grabbed his hand and said, we're going now. He's like, what? She dragged him off the bus. And then in her place, at first I thought it was like jello like he was eating food sure and like he just like just spilled some food they're like they're embarrassed they got out just like your dad i'm like what is that and i like poked my friend i was like what is that and then another woman stood up and she said i am a nurse that woman just had a miscarriage. You need to stop this bus. And then she took the bus. And when the woman's getting off the bus,

you can see there's blood coming down her back. And then so we stopped. And then we are right across the street from the doctor's office, like a hospital. This is your first day in New York, by the way, right? I had my bags in my hand. I had just thrown my bags in my hand. I had just thrown my hat in the sky.

But she refused to go to the hospital and then we're all just like standing there for like 10 minutes and we're like, let's get on another bus. It's like her own abortion clinic. What a champion. That's a whole different degree of laziness, man. That is four types of crazy.

You know what I'm saying? You should do it. Oh, God. Oh, God. By the way, worst drink on the face of the planet. KB, what do you think about that? You got watermelon. What do you think about that one?

Well, I mean, I lost my soul a long time ago, and this is what it felt like when I did. This is what it felt like. Which one are you drinking? I'm drinking a fruit punch flavor Can I try that one? Much better This is like It's not even fruit punch

It's fruit punch flavor This is like We're way down the rabbit hole of taste Yeah It's just like a ramen noodle package That they just sprinkle in there We got blue raspberry over here Oh my god

It sucks Oh they're all gone Fucking blows man Oh my god Tell us sucks. Oh, they're all gone. Fucking blows, man. Tell us more about dead things, Marcus, because I need something happy to think about. Those four locos, really. Well, the reason why all these fetuses were suddenly discovered

was because this woman was performing abortions on women because abortion is illegal in Thailand. Beer and drink. She was doing an amazing job. She had to have somewhere to dispose of these things. So, what she did, sent them this crematorium,

also a Buddhist temple, but their cremating apparatus broke down. So the monks got into the funeral home game? Yeah, I suppose so. The cremation apparatus broke down and the babies just started piling up. Smell gets out, neighbors call the cops. Done. Oh, man.

That smell is like... Couldn't you just burn it, though? Couldn't you just set it on fire? Yeah, you would think you could just, even if the crematorium is broken, you can figure it out. That's what they do with trash in the country. Absolutely. Oh, yeah. It sounds like the worst episode of Hoarders

ever. Abortion Hoarders. She just goes behind clinics, goes through all the fucking garbage, gets about five, six a day. It's like her little family. Nice. And they're all these newspapers and all these dead babies. Sorry, it's Hoarders.

Hoarders jokes. Yeah, Hoarders. She grabs all the little babies like they're fish in a newspaper and shit. I'm hoarding episodes of Hoarder on my DVR. Talk about it. One more person says that joke. They're getting a who's what's it from Nicky T. Yeah!

Nicky T is starting to twitch, man. How much of that Four Loko have you had? I might have a bit, and I'm wasted. Jordan, how do we go with that thing? It's no good. Don't worry about it. You look as white as a ghost, man. Here's a question about abortion. Do you think

feeding a baby a morning-after pill would kill it? That is a very good question. It's one day old. If it gets the morning after birth... It's only one way to find out. It'll kill the babies that are inside it if it's a slut.

This is like a question Dr. Mengele would ask. The only difference is Mengele would get the answer. This is fantastic. That's a very good, wonderful idea. What if you called everyone at the lab, like, Imagineers? Oh, man. It is the most creative of the death camp workers, I'll tell you that. That's how that little purple dinosaur came about.

What's that thing called? Figment. Figment. Disney. Imagination. Remember that? No. People know a lot about Dr. Bangalow.

What would you say the most fucked up thing is that he did? Norman. I don't know. Norman. Knows what the Nazis were up to. That's Mark Norman. I love them Nazis. He made twins, right?

Didn't he sew people together? Yeah, he's pretty much like the Clive Barker of his generation. He just made a whole bunch of really insane looking monsters. He was just trying new things. Clive Barker, Hellraiser. Didn't he host Whose Line Is It Anyway? Harry? No, no, the British guy. No, that. Clive Barker, Hellraiser. Didn't he host Whose Line Is It Anyway? Harry? No, that was Clive something.

Bob Barker. You're thinking of Bob Barker. No, no, no. The British one. You put those two together, you got Clive Barker. Horror movie extraordinaire. All day, no answer. What's worse, talking about Mangala or improv? That's what I'm talking about.

God damn it. Mangala improv,? That's what I'm talking about. God damn it. There's Mangala improv-ing, which I guess is all he was doing. He was really lying about the seat of his scalpel kind of guy. Progressive, man. He just cut a little here. I went too far. Way ahead of his time. Yeah, real ahead of his time.

Del Close learned everything from Dr. Mangala. Not the Mangala. Where's the Mangala, Dr. Mengala. You're not a mongola. There's a mongola, man. What do you mean, mongola? Mongola, mongola, mongola. He shows up, he looks like a little fish head. I tell you, this is starting to go down easy. Yeah, man.

I think it's starting to affect the show. A little bit. My ovaries hurt. Save us, Marcus. I got a Haiti story for Kevin. What are they doing now? Nothing? Complaining.

So 900, well, upwards of 900. Big numbers today. Big numbers. Big numbers. Big, big numbers. Upwards of 900 Haitians have died of cholera in Haiti. But now... What is cholera exactly?

Blood. Blood. I'm done. Blood came out of my mouth. It's cholera. Fuck you. Faber's disease. But now

Haiti's cholera has reached the United states fuck that shit man yeah they fucking us like this look i knew i wasn't one too many text messages i didn't send shit but i wasn't like before i wasn't worried about saying shit about haiti and i wasn't worried about them fucking with us because you know quite, quite frankly, I don't think they can organize themselves. But this is a whole different thing, man. Biological. I don't know.

Biological warfare. That's the thing is that this shit is happening because they're so disorganized. It's fucking, you know, fucking Haitians are giving us cholera. Mexicans gave us the swine flu, Canada gave us Dave Coulier. I say we put a stop to all of it. We gotta kill them all. Cut it out. You can't trust

a boat from Haiti with a bunch of free blankets on it as it gets. This is a trick we've known for a long time. We just got greedy. We didn't need more blankets. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Plenty of blankets.

Free Haitian blankets on this boat here. Free Haitian blankets. Free Haitian blankets? Hey, that boat of blankets over there just told me they're all for free. That's the name of my new bed. Free Haitian blankets. Crawling on the floor. Man. The blanket. Jack, you had a thought. What's going on, Jackie? crawling on the floor man

the like Jackie you had a thought what's going on Jackie no I was just thinking like every time I burp like the the smell of four locos

comes up into my face I have a four loco observation uh giving murderfist four loco is kind of like taking a Jackson Pollock

and just throwing more paint on it it didn't make you crazy loco. It's kind of like taking a Jackson Pollock and just throwing more paint on it. It just didn't make you crazy. Oh, man. Ride the snake, man. Hell yeah. Chaos trains!

Would you ride a giant snake, Ed? Absolutely, man. Oh, yeah. Henry? Who are you even talking to? I wish they had a gigantic snake that you could put a saddle on its head. I'd like to hang onto its teeth. Grapple onto the teeth

and scream bloody murder. Get ejected into somebody and fuck them up. What's going on, buddy? Wesley Snipes is finally going to jail. Oh, yeah! Take that, drop zone! Whoa, what was the immediate reaction of joy?

I was mortified when I saw it. Wesley can't survive in jail. Oh, he'll be fine. Did you ever see Undisputed? He was great. Yeah, did you ever see Too Wong Fu? No, no, no. New Jack City.

You ever seen Murder at 1600? Yeah, yeah. You've seen any of his movies. Maybe he's just very method. I don't know. You ever seen Murder at 1600? I haven't seen any of his movies. Maybe he's just very method. I don't know. You ever seen The Fugitive 2? The thing is, the news story... Easy. The news story lists Blade as his best known movie.

I'll give it to him. The judge rejected the Blade star request for a new trial. Star of Blade. He's in Atlanta right now filming a movie. ATL. Norman, favorite Wesley Snipes movie? To Wong Fu.

He looked damn fine in that movie. I never saw that film. I loved... What was yours, Nick? Ghost Dad. Oh! I don't know if that's him. Go call me. What? I loved, uh, what was yours Nick? Ghost Dads. Oh! I don't know if that's him.

There's no comedy. No. I liked White Men Can't Jump. Yeah, White Men Can't Jump was great. Fantastic. The Stooky Brothers are after us, man. I don't like it. It had a very negative message.

Great, great Ted Sundberg. It's outstanding, man. The movie should have been called White Men Can Bank. That would have been a nice movie. That was called Wall Street. Oh, yeah. Why was that new? That was merely a joke. It was just a good joke. A lot of extreme reactions.

I think it's the Four Loko. I think the Four Loko is now dictating my every speech. What? I feel like I'm going to vomit milk. Why are we all speaking Spanish? Okay. How long is Wesley going to jail for?

It doesn't say in the story. He's going for three years. Three years. Yeah, he... Oh, three years? He's going for three years. Three years. Wow! But how much didn't he... Okay, so he's paid the money back now, right? Probably not.

So does he have the choice of paying the money back or just doing three years in prison and calling it even? I doubt it. I think it's both. I think they garnish your future wages and you spend three years in prison. Yeah, I don't think he has any other choice. That's too much.

Isn't debtor's prison over? Can't you just get away with anything money-wise? It's coming back. I hate it. I just got a bill from the IRS for $1,000. I know. This is hilarious.

There's a store that I made that year. 2008. I don't know what it is. They're like, just review these 80 pages of documents we sent you. I'm like, this is hilarious. There's a store that I made that year. They're like trying to, 2008, I don't know what it is. And they're like, just review these 80 pages of documents we sent you. I'm like, what? This is why? You just get your personal accountant. You know that guy? Holden McNeely.

Sorry, you look like my accountant. If I were to have one. I made $19,000 last year. $1,400 I owed the government at the end of it. It's impossible. There's no way I can afford that. It was an adorable amount of money. Yeah, yeah. You should have said

$1 trillion billion. That was my exact reaction. What are they going to do with that amount of money? I got these creditors calling me. I always mess with them. I always tell them that I'm not me. I'm my assistant. They have to tell me who they money? I got these creditors calling me. I always mess with them. I always tell them that I'm not me. I'm my assistant. And they have to tell me who they are.

Because I want to know who they are. Because I want to pay some of my bills. But there's certain ones I just refuse to pay. Yeah. Which ones do you refuse to pay? The hospital bills. Fuck hospitals! Fuck them all!

You're saving my life. That's from the heart. Netflix bill. always on time. Oh, yeah. People like to give access to my bank account. Well, yeah, thanks. That's worth it. So you guys know Silvio Berlusconi, right?

You can't even say that. No idea. Is that the French Prime Minister's wife? Italy. Italian Prime minister. He spent $100,000 in public funds to replace a missing penis on a 2nd century

Roman statue of Mars. He's spent $100,000 to put a little plastic penis on a statue. That's amazing. Doesn't that ruin the... That's why people hate it. There is a butthole right now full of that penis.

They're just going to find that man. It's so good to be king. He's like, that statue needs a penis. I don't care how much it costs. It's a female statue and shit. Put a penis on it. One billion dollars of her economic fucking funds. You've only got to take a nap for seven days.

Take that, New York City public school system I think he's losing his mind He's just putting penises on everything I'd like to order a large cheese pizza For ten thousand dollars Dick in the middle Italian style pizza Italy I am yours

Thousand and five dollars You got it from Little Caesars Stop pizza. You can't eat pizza. Emily, I am yours. $1,005. You got it from Little Caesars. Caesar was a great man. Well, it paid off. The new penis is detachable. Oh, yeah. So they could look at it either way.

Yeah, they could. It's like, oh, you don't like it? Take it right off. Oh, take it off. It's like one of those dolls that women can buy, or men that can buy. They have the life-size weight, and they have detachable penises. You can put pussies on

them, bosoms, the whole nine. You know those dicks actually can cum now. Get out of here. They do. They have little packages in them and

literally when you want them to cum. I gotta get out of the mat. It's like judgment day. It's like Exorcist 2. I don't know if you've

ever seen Exorcist 2. That's know if you've ever seen Exorcist 2 That's exactly what happened The statues literally bleed and come all over the place That's what's going to happen in Mannequin 3 I think Why do you think pigeons like them so much? You never know what's going to be good or what's not going to be good Throw them all out there

Oh shit I'm drunk. I know. What is it with these four? These should be banned. Don't do it. I'm going crazy with these. Fucking crazy. We all take a giggle. Ladies and gentlemen, it's not the best one ever, but you're enjoying this, and we're drunk off

Four Loko. Is this podcast going to be on broadcast television or just cable? Speaking of being in a haze, all of us, or most of us, fucked up on this one. If any of us smoked weed before the age of 16, we did permanent damage to our brains.

That's awesome. I started at 16. I started at 16. At 16. 18. Nerd! Brian, when did you start smoking weed? I started at 18,

but I taught my little brother, who was 14. Classic enabler. That's why he has to wear that helmet now. That's so much worse. You know, Brian, my cousin, my cousin was 18 and I was 14. Yeah.

What's your cousin up to now? He's in the Marines. Oh. Doing his second tour in the Middle East. What's that? Doing his second tour in the Middle East.

He's in the actual Marines. Yeah, he's in the... So he's the tour guide? He's the... And then Anomaly and my family. And the only skinny one. The rest of them are much different. Just driving a double-decker bus around.

Well, right here we have a rock. Such a box rock Over there There's another rock We got some sand There used to be A couple buildings Over there In that old city

Blew them up We blow them up We blew that up This isn't very Mark Sergeant Parks You're the worst Tour guide ever

Well Sergeant Parks That's a good ass name Sergeant Parks, you're the worst tour guide ever. Sergeant Parks, that's a good ass name. Sergeant Parks. He's fucking huge. In between his two tours, he's a professional bodybuilder. That's awesome.

It's weird. I see pictures of him on Facebook with his big greased up body and it looks like someone fucking photoshopped my cousin's head onto someone else's body. Oh man. I trained with a professional bodybuilder for all of three weeks. That's right.

You did. Punch bent in the stomach right? Yeah. Backs and I was going through a hard time in my life and I thought that I

should go lift and then immediately realized. Holden was going through a breakup so he bought a weight bench. He bought two 15

pound dumbbells. And for two months, he would do these calisthenics. It was like a 1940s housewife. He tried to lose weight for over the weekend. The workout bench is still there. Yeah, now we just use it as a bench. Sex bench! Well, not in your apartment.

I was spending a bunch of time with this guy, and it was alright. It was interesting. It was a different type of dude. I think the last conversation we had, he was talking about how he, like, brought these two dumb bitches... Him and his buddy brought these two dumb bitches to an apartment... Speed it up, buddy. Or parking on it. Some of them pauses. Uh, you know, long story short, he just ended up, like,

throating this chick till, like, her... Ah! ...til she was in pain. He throated her? Ah! Or he like He just shoved his dick Down her throat He head fucked her

Yeah He like brain He like brain fucked her He like shoved his dick Into her brain That's great You can only have access Through the nose

I know that Oh okay Yeah Well I think that was You know So How did he get So this

This is the man That you were Yeah we're just talking Like bodies sharing stories And all of a sudden I'm hearing about This horrible incident Where you like

Brutalized this woman Man I don't understand How guys feel But like the sound Of like Oh it's hot Yeah It's like banging a turkey

Exactly Wait a live turkey I mean I'm alright with banging dead turkeys. Don't get me wrong. He's got off his head, and then you fuck its tiny neck. I always had the weird urge to drown a turkey in a toilet. What?

Yeah, that's weird. That's how I would describe that urge. I've never heard anything less logical in my life. You don't think I can do it? It's cool, guys. And it seems like a lot of work, man. Oh, man, no, it's great.

Eddie, your toilet's clogged. Oh, that's right. I was drowning this turkey in there. I'll get the turkey out. Man, you would laugh so much, though. Isn't that what it is? I would like to have my mother cook it after I fucking drowned it in the toilet.

Well, you never know what's going to happen. It's a Thanksgiving miracle. Now, porn stars, it's funny, though. With the throat Intercourse You've seen a lot of this Oh absolutely I watched the

The porn awards All of their throats Very horsey Very you know As if they've been Penetrated and scraped By penis Really bizarre

I had no idea This actually existed Once you're getting Fucked for a living Cigarettes aren't so bad That's the problem Yeah You can do those All day and night Cigarettes are like so bad. That's the problem. You can do those all day.

Cigarettes are the best thing you put into your body that day. Y'all want to hear a tranny story? Yeah! Trannies! What kind of question is that? Of course we do. There was this tranny going around to bars in Idaho.

It doesn't say exactly which city. Transgendered. The name, real name, Christina B. Ross. Alias, Dr. Berlin Alci Halshono. Wow.

So this is a man who's dressed as a woman who has like no more dick she got it cut off yeah and she was just like oh I'll give you a free breast exam and women were just

taking this up they were like drunk at a bar at 1130 at night this would be the best time for a mammogram there's a woman in here offering them

why won't I that's amazing that makes me so happy take them where you can get them man stay safe oh man? That's amazing. Take them where you can get them, man. Stay safe. Oh, man. Wow, that's amazing.

She's been arrested. And also was convicted of aggravated battery in 2003. Back when she was a man. I don't understand. Why was she arrested? Wasn't it consensual then? Yeah, but no

she gave the people her list she's like call this doctor's office after the old boob touch and they called the next day and they found out

she just didn't work there so that's illegal because you can't be why would they call you know I'd be ashamed they already got the exam yeah

they want to know the fucking results I guess to be fair the woman that got checked up her gynecologist's office was in a barn so she was just like this is totally normal I want to do. I guess to be fair, the woman that got checked up, her gynecologist's office was in a barn. So she was just like, this is totally normal.

I want to do this. I want to do this whole thing out. You know, I go in a barn and I touch women's boobs and everything. That's fun.

And then I give them a number and it's just a recording of me saying, it's cancer. It's cancer. Oh, okay. Does it not smell like fire in here right now? Yeah, I smell that too. It does smell good.

Turner's just been lighting matches. My fingers were cold. You do. People like finger fires. Matches are just little bonfires. Little bonfires for your fingers. Little homeless fingers with little match bonfires.

Oh, man. What's up? Happy birthday, Marcus Parks. Did you say happy birthday? Yeah. My birthday's in January. All right, well, move it along. Let's keep it together here.

Last ditch, I just wish someone a random happy birthday. Thank you. This is like the sad part of Fort Loco. This is the sad part. This is the second type of loco. If you don't punch me in the face. The third form of loco is singing songs. And the fourth type of loco is...

No one's ever remembered. Or the Mr. Sad Loco. Well, we got another evangelical megachurch pastor who came out of the closet. Hey! All right! Good for him. Good for him.

Jim Swilley. The exact same reality as Wesley Snipes going to prison. Did he come out of the closet, or was he caught? He came out of the closet all on his own. Good for him. He came out of the closet on his own. This is actually a very good story. Is he a priest or a pastor?

Pastor. In Georgia. You know, like the guy, you know, all the teen gay suicides going on lately. He was inspired by that to come out in front of his entire congregation. All it took was teens killing themselves? That's all it took.

Wow, what a nice guy. Take that, Dan Savage, with your Stupid It Gets Better podcast. Oh, I love the picture for this article. It's just a rainbow kite flying in the air. He's a free bird now, man. He's a free bird.

He's going to be cockied all over. His voice is going to sound like a porn star's very soon. Did he quit being a porn star? This is an actually good story that we can be happy about. Yeah, absolutely. Wholesome view. Well, these congregational churches, never heard one.

But they're hurting the church. Well, it's not a good story for them. Yeah. No, it's a good story for the world. It depends on the reaction. Well, apparently half left and half stayed, right? Most, a lot of them left, like, just got up and walked out. But, you know, a fair amount also stayed and talked to him after.

He came out during church? During church, Sunday. And then just mass exodus? Yeah, but just stick with the biblical tradition. He buried himself head deep in the sand and they stoned him. So that was a fantastic message. He closed out with whiter shade

of pale that's like 25 feet. He did whiter shade of pale that's like 25 years old. He did Whiter Shade of Pale and they all came back. He's doing it, man. He never does this. Well, it says that his first wife tried to convince him 20 years ago to come out as gay

because she knew. She figured it out. No, absolutely. You always know when your because she knew. She figured it out. No, absolutely. You always know when your husband's gay. What he told her. But you know, if you're a woman, that's a fantastic position to be in. Women love... Yeah, because women don't like to have sex. They don't.

I'm telling you, the best of the bad guys don't like to have sex. When you come home, you're really drunk and it's like you pissed your underwear a little bit. Sure, you smell like urine. But it's like you've been sleeping for three hours, and I get this

big rock-hard boner. Oh, now you don't want to have sex? Typical woman. Can we go through one podcast where Ben doesn't bring up his rape charts? Oh, man. I've nothing to say. No, no. Jackie, do you hate sex?

Oh yeah I hate it when it's inside of me I hate it when I get all drip I hate it when it's sliding in and out I hate it I'm more loco man I'm more loco crazy Every time Jackie sees a fish, she's like, that's a great looking penis. Man, I just want to be ridden like a puppet. How do you ride a puppet?

I have a note for you. What if the pastor drank a Four Loko before going into Mass that day? He's just like, pounded a Four Loko, and he's like, taste a fucking dick. That is actually a perfect political excuse for being a fucking dude sucking another guy's dude in the bathroom. Just be like, I had Four Loko. I think in this day and age, people would be like, oh, absolutely.

That's why they're banning it, because just in case those senators accidentally get drunk from it. Yeah, that's why Chuck Schumer is so against it. He doesn't want to get busted. I feel like I'm on ecstasy right now. I'm rolling. It's fucking insane. I feel like I'm fucking crawling out of my skin right now. I love you guys. I love you guys so fucking much.

It's a mistake that everyone in this room needs to know. I fucking appreciate when we were begging to hang out. Let's just ride on each other for the next half hour. All right, Marcus, let's keep things in check here. We're getting some four locos. Getting a little four loco out here. On the opposite side of the gay spectrum, let's go over from acceptance. Must be me.

From acceptance over into homophobia. Willow Palin, Sarah Palin's daughter. She actually named her kid Willow? She named her kid Willow. Literally because of the movie. Oh, really? Yeah, she's honestly based off of the movie Willow. I don't wonder.

To be a girl, to be a young girl, you're named after a male midget. You're named after her. Dude, you're fucking named after an Ewok. No wonder she hates tags. It's a terrible movie. So here's what she said. It was a fucking Facebook thing. A schoolmate of hers

just talked shit about the show, like Sarah Palin's Alaska. Just like, oh, it's failing so hard. Which it's actually not. It was the number one show on TLC ever. Number one debut. I think people were saying it was bad. It was literally, you know, little people,

big world, and then a whole bunch of shows about people with 19 children. Yeah. But what Willow Palin said in return, she just said, faggot. What? She continued to call the kid a faggot and a bunch of other shit. The kid was kind of being a faggot. She continued to call the kid a faggot and

a bunch of other shit. The kid was kind of being a faggot though, making fun of her family. I think the craziest part was that it started when Bristol started like... No, Will was getting abused so Bristol came online. Bristol, who's 21 and like legitimately

on like the number one show on TV is like needs to take the next to Facebook To answer some 14 year old from fucking wassaila. Yeah, that's always like, you know Oh, you're just talking shit because you're jealous of my family. Yeah, and then willow was like shut up faggot Chelsea Clinton never get pulled into something like this First family into something like this. They want to be the first family in the United States. They're halfway there.

It's crazy. I actually like them more now. They're 16 years old. The word faggot is said more than the word the in Alaska, I'm sure. And it's like, what do they know about faggot? These people taking all this action.

News stories are just getting so lazy. All these people are doing is trolling Facebook and tweets. Do some investigations. You love the Palins. I enjoy breasts. And I enjoy breasts. I enjoy chicks who want to fuck my dick.

I'm going to come inside of them and have a little baby Kissel Palin. Kissel Palin president 2038. KB, you're going to be its running name. There's no way because that kid

would be like one-fourth Nazi. I'm not fucking dealing with that. One-fourth Nazi? Yeah, because you're like half Nazi.

I'm the third generation. Since you've been talking, Vin, horns grew out of your head. Now fucking growing old.

Oh my god, he's never going to stop looking like that. Get it together, get it together. No, but I do think it's funny. Bristol Palin's probably going to

Why do I keep drinking this poor loco? It's disgusting. Bristol Palin's probably going to win Dancing with the Stars because if the Tea Party wins nothing in this country, they will win Bristol Palin Dancing with the Stars championship.

And that's the best possible outcome we can imagine. And that could the best possible outcome we can imagine. And that could get an Oscar nod. That could get one. Absolutely. The way she moves. And I had my money

on Adam Carolla but he got kicked out four years ago. Sure enough. He's high five. Some people high five. No, Holden high five. KB high five

and Marcus gave the gun. No way. As everyone knows it's not that you can't get by just listening you know on the gun. No way. Everyone knows. It's not that you can't get by just listening, you know, on the radio. Who's listening on the radio? Who's boxing? Walking down 4th Street?

If you're listening to this on a radio, the radio is not on. You need to check yourself. What if we are just the thoughts of a homeless man? We are literally the brain of the homeless man. We don't even exist. I'm the only sober person in this room, I think. I just want to know, how is Dancing with the Stars going to win an Oscar? That's a question for the tea party.

That's a question for the tea party right there. We're going to make it happen. If anyone can do it, it's them. Best song? Yeah. In a movie? Best song in a movie. Back in the 40s, there used to be a best dance.

Best dance number was an Oscar. And they got rid of it. Because when we started to realize that it was okay to not dance in them. Holden McNeely, you got a segment for us. Okay, so I'm doing a little switcheroo I just feel like this segment is just like

what do you have to say to your mother alright what do you have to say to your mother you're talking to your mother right now what do you have to say we're hitting up the chuckle hunt on this too I'm sorry I'm so sorry.

John, these books are for all of us. Great. Okay. I mean, you know, unconditional love,

mother. Thank you. What's the cup size on that mom? My mom's? I'll tell you, I sucked on them for three years.

They were bigger when I had them. They've shrunk. Of course, you've sucked on them for three straight years Literally My mother would It was like to the point where she was just like No

You can't touch me anymore And I was just like But may I? I remember it That's what you like I literally remember it My mother said You have like serious arguments

That you planned out You're like mother Do my research I'm a comedian No that you planned out. You're like, Mother, do my research. I'm like, yes. No, you're in a move. I am fucking out, Ben.

I'm out. There's no more. I drink your milkshake. I'm telling you, yeah, it was literally my mother's titty, her nice nipple,

and then a McDonald's milkshake straw. Oh my God. One and two. And now I'm on four locos. So life has been terribly terrible. Mom, I love you. and two. Now I'm on four locos. So life has been terrible. Mom, I love you. I'm sorry.

Big old puss. Henry, you just walked into your apartment. Your mom's standing there over your bowl shaped like a dog. Which is true, actually. Three in a huge bag of weed. What do you say? Let's do this together. Let's smoke weed together.

It's fine. It's just not going to happen. It's not going to happen to me. Well, I have news for you, Henry. Your mother right now will be alive to see you. How long did you suck on your mom's nipples for, Henry? This is true.

I was born without the muscle capacity in my face to suck milk out of my mother's breast. It's completely true. I almost starved to death as a baby because I couldn't breastfeed. Get out of here. Look at him now. Are you making up for it?

Suck my boobies. Daddy! You know what I'm saying. I can't give a hickey. Really? And I have a hard time sucking a thick milkshake. I'd be the worst gay in the world. You could never blow a dude, probably.

No, no. You know? Well, only one way to find out. Barnett, whip it down. I don't want to do this. To your mother, folks. To your mother. Jackie, you want to go?

Norman? Norman first. Oh, geez. Do you? Nope, nope, nope. Norman, you got to do it. Right now? Oh, yeah.

There's something you would want your mother to hear right now. Just before she dies. Yeah. Just before mother to hear just before she dies. What do you say to her right before she passes on to the next realm? First of all, zip up your penis. Put it back in your pants. Put it in your ear. Put your cock in your mom's ear. All right.

All right. All right. All right. Why right. All right. I thought that would be fun to see. All right, why is Kissel naked? He didn't take off his clothes. He was clothed a second ago. Is it still on me?

Yeah. Is that how you talk to your mother? I'm just picturing the open casket with my dick out. It's weird. I don't know. What would I say to her right beforeket with my dick out. It's weird. I don't know. What would I say to her right before? I don't know. I guess, sorry about the comedy.

I don't know. Why don't we just apologize? I would totally apologize to my mom. She's not happy with anything. Gotcha. Man, I'm telling you, you just gotta be coming due, man. Mom, I'm sorry For giving you so much shit For breaking my go bots I know you were only trying to fix it

I know hold on I know you were only trying to fix it I love you mom Someone glue a penis on it Fuck you I'm going to put a dick on fucking Turner. Bob, let's go out and have some Four Locos. This is real comedians.

Ryan, what do you want to say to your mother, Ryan? One thing to your mother. She's alive, right? No. She's not. God damn it. Remember we had Vince Averill on the show? You were just so bad at this. Alright, you just started a new podcast. Yeah, new subject.

Alright, subject. Okay. I mean, I'm going to probably joke with my mother. She's alive! Oh, my mother's

dead. How am I supposed to know? I just desperately wanted out of that thing. You won. KB, what do you

send to your mom? I want to say, you know, first of all, mom, quit hating. I don't know when this shit's going to happen, all right? I don't know. Look, when I ask for Call of Duty 4 for Christmas, don't fucking get me Call of Duty 2 on PlayStation. You know numbers. I just, you know, all right? You read it, right?

I know you're trying to save some money, but it don't work that way. I'm trying to play something new, all right? Look. Figure it out when it happens. Believe in me for a second. Please, Mrs. Barnett is doing great. That was real. I'm going to do mine. Mom, I'm still not gay.

You should probably thank her for being the most privileged person alive. I've had that conversation, I think, 30 times. Has your mom been pushing you to start a megachurch? be the most privileged person alive. I've had that conversation, I think, 30 times. Yeah, she always does. Has your mom been pushing you to start a megachurch? And then you're like, Mom, but you suck all those dicks. And then you're like, because it's like my girl. And she's like, I thought you were a boy.

How long is this podcast? We still have another 30 minutes. All about our mothers. We could go on for like six another 30 minutes. All about our mothers. We could go on for like six or seven minutes. Yeah, we've got to crack the window. It's like four loco windows. Ed. What?

Mother. Oh, Ma, I'll see you Wednesday. I'm going to be there too. Yeah, Ben's going to come. I'm going to get in at like midnight. And I guess we'll start cooking and getting ready for everyone to come over. Then I've got to go home on Friday so you've got to wake me up real early.

This is actually the most emotional thing he's ever said to his mom. This is real shit. That's what Whitney would do to life. I know, but I love you. Just take your medicine. Yeah, Parks, what do you want to say to your mom? Hello. I'm British now.

Hello. How you doing, Mom? How are you going to get money, Turner? It's all ones. It's all ones. You know, how's all ones. You know, it's How's Willie doing? That's her dog. Oh, thank God.

Willie, named after Willie Nelson. And her other dog, Grace, named after Grace Slugger. The prayers. She should have named her Willow, named after Willow, the movie. Just, you know, calling to see how you're doing and have a good day. This segment's been fantastic.

Yeah. What a good idea. Let's bring our mothers into it. Let's think about the people we disappoint the most. All right, next segment is what's your favorite vegetable? Oh, yeah!

My mother's pussy! She can't walk! She can't walk She can't walk Four loco This is the fucking Round table of gentlemen Wrap up four loco show Goodbye

This has been the Greatest thing of all time That's the whole thing It's over? It's over We're just getting going I know that Alright

Meet back here one week One week For today Jackie Zabrowski Ed Larson Lessons we've learned Is four locals makes everything lackluster. We've got Kevin Barnett, Holden McNeely, Nicky Turner. Sean Patton.

Thank you. I know, I heard the words. Sean Patton wrote them. Nick Turner, Brian Balder, Henry Zabrowski, the old fat Gentile himself, Mark Norman. Ryan Balder, Henry Zebrowski, the old fat Gentile himself, Mark Norman. I'm Ben Kissel. And make sure the 27th of this very month we're in now,

it's November, Sean Patton's roast here at the Creaky in the Cave starting at 5pm. Come and check it out. It's going to be fucking big old fatty boobs. We're going to 5pm at 2am. Two pigs! Two pigs! I got two pigs. I'm going to steal them. Yeah, you are.

You're like Erson's big brothers in Garfield and Friends. Can I smoke yet? Yeah, smoke. Let's go smoke. All right, come on. Let's go outside and have a cigarette. Have a good night, everybody. Ew!

Eat an ass! Ban those four locos. If I could eat a plant right now, it would grow. Yeah, exactly. I just like how the flavors say LOCO Water Filling Flavor. It's nuts!