The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 221: Shaving Hands

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

This week on Round Table: a group of Juggalos in Buffalo pitch in to help out their community, a man on fire wanders into a Taco Bell and asks for a glass of water, and a terrible first date at an Arby's ends in drug charges. Joining us today: Louis Katz and Shakir Standley!

Hey everybody, just a quick update for you. The Roundtable, gentlemen, is now brought to you by Audible.com. Go to audibletrial.com slash roundtable for your 30-day free trial. Hell yeah, let's kick this pig, you fuckers! The Roundtable. Gentlemen! Hi! Let's broaden our minds! Lay on, gentlemen, and let them know what's what!

Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the round table. What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. You've changed, Lewin. All right, are we good to go, Marcus?

We don't need no round table. All right, what are we doing? I don't even. That's not the beginning of the cast. That is the beginning of it. You did it. I said, are we good to go? Marcus said, yeah, and then you started.

We don't need no. Why? Why? Shut up, monkey. Holding before the cast did tell Marcus to call him monkey throughout this entire episode. He's allowed to call me monkey for this entire fucking episode. If my fans have a shit about it. No, you can't.

Does that hurt your ears, Marcus, when he yells like that? Nah, I got him turned down way low. Okay. Way low. I'll run. Louie Cat sitting in for Eddie Larson. Can you give us a prayer, Louie, to start off the show? All right.

Ready? Hold hands. No. All right. Baruch at hands. No. All right. Baruch atah Adonai. Oh, no. Eloheinu melech haolam. What is this, Arabian?

What is this? What's happening? Allah. We have to give you our money now? Baruch atah podcast. Amen. What happened? What did you say?

Allah. Translate. Blessed are you, God, who gave us this podcast, and may we be fruitful and have more podcasts. That's what it said. Oh, that was a very nice prayer. Thank you. Now, by may we be fruitful, does that mean may we be gay? Yes.

Okay. Is it because you have a Hawaiian shirt on right now, Louie? It's not a fruit-bearing flower on my shirt. Oh, it's hibiscus. Yes. Hibiscus. Yeah, it is. Hibiscus. Yes.

Welcome to the roundtable of gentlemen, everyone. Again, Ed Larson is not here. He's busy doing some writing work and probably eating some random meats and cheeses and whatnot. It's not fucking fat. What's that? What do you think Eddie's eating right now, Louie? Something with ranch on it. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just a spinger.

Yeah. What's Ed's breakfast, right? We're talking a dozen eggs. Yep. Right? He's like Gaston. Right, right. He cuts the ham right from the pig. He gets an entire pig. Like that scene in Rocky where he just slams down the raw egg milkshake

but then Rocky goes for a run and then Eddie just takes a nap. So that's the difference. Eddie eats like a power lifter but sleeps like an Eddie. I've seen the man cover a Bible in ketchup and eat it. I'm just saying. Yeah. We were lonely in the hotel room that night. Monkey McNeely.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Holdenators, ho. Oh. Hello, all my many fans. I miss you, and I kiss you with my strength and my love. And all you fuckers out there trying to bring the Holdenator name down, good on ya. I fucking love you guys trying to bring me down, man. Holdenators no, Holdenators ho.

Either way, let's have a fucking makeout party. No girls allowed, friends. Let's do it. Kevin Barnett can't be here either. He's busy doing something else. But Shaq Stanley's sitting in for him. I am. I'm Shaq Stanley.

And I think Jackie hates you. Oh, Jackie hates Holden. Oh, man, I can see it. Ho, Jackie, ho! Just, you know, it's just like I see him a lot. You know, I think I see him. You may join my guild. Yeah, no, I don't want to be a part of your fucking guild.

I just wish I could have, like, a whole, a whole video of every time I look at Holden, just what my eyes look like. Just have a montage of the looks of Holden. I've never seen an eyeball frown until I saw Jackie when I say ho. It's like smizing. You guys smize? What's a smize? You smile with your eyes, but you don't actually smile? Like this?

Well, no one can see that. Yeah. But that's not what it is because you're giving me fucking rape eyes right now. Dopey rape eyes, McNeely. Good God. You only eat yogurt, right? Yummy yum. Yeah.

All right, Jackie, you're here. I'm sorry that you have to deal with it. But you're sitting in a different position than you usually sit in. I have a whole table to myself right now. Right. I'm sorry that you have to deal with it. But you're sitting in a different position than you usually sit in and you're staring right at Holden. I have a whole table to myself right now. Right. I feel great. I got nobody next to me. Ed's not next to me. Louie, I love you. I'd rather have you next to me. Kissel, I'm closer

to you and that scares me. Hi from across the table. But that's the things I'm just staring right at fucking Holden. Hello, Jackie from across the table. I love it. It's just like we're in Mary Poppins. Where are the fucking penguins? I'm a kid, you know, more so rapist. So we can start the countdown of like the days until your girlfriend murders you, right?

You live with her now. Oh, my little British kid now. The rest of the night, you know, when I get home to me girlfriend, I'll still be a little British boy. That was British? Oh, yeah, man. girlfriend, I'll still be a little British boy. That was British? Oh, yeah, man. I've been taking power tools out, hanging shit on the

apartment wall while she just sits back just like, ugh, ugh. Ugh. You know, she just makes that fucking noise for three hours straight. Kids can't rape. No, no. She is, it's like. Kids can rape? Let's not get into it. Yeah. Bill Cosby can. Anyone can.

I'm pretty sure since I've moved in with my girlfriend, she's become addicted to wine. Yeah, sure. That's fine. I do a killer Bill Cosby. All right, Shaq. We have Bill Cosby with us on the show, actually. Bill, thanks so much for being here. You're going through a lot of heat right now.

You know, they're accusing me of the rapes. Yeah, what do you think? And I think that's just a bunch of baloney. Bill Cosby does not need to do any rape, okay? He does. I wish you could see. I know. The head motion is perfect.

I am a multimillionaire. When I point, the bitches come to Bill. Yeah. Anything you want to say to your accusers? I mean, your name is getting run through the muck right now. They're just mad because I wouldn't give them any of the Jell-O pudding pops. Yeah. Bill Cosby.

It's not a Bill Cosby impression unless pudding pops are brought up. And now it's official. Now rape apparently also has to be thrown in there. Yeah, rape and pudding pops. What's the one connector between rape and pudding pop? Bill Cosby. Very bizarre. An odd turn of events in that man's life.

Oh, yikes. He just got to die. That's why everyone just needs to die. As soon as you get 70. You know, Joe Paterno, look what happened to that poor bastard. You know, he dies the world's worst person. Bill Cosby's going to dies the world's worst person. Bill Cosby's going to die the world's worst person.

He's going to die. I know all this shit is going down, but just take a moment and watch clips from Bill Cosby himself. The man is fucking funny. I know it's all awful, yada, yada, but God damn it. At the end of the day, no matter what, he's done all this stuff, and he's going to go down in history as one of the greatest rapists of all time. Right, right. In and out. 14 accusations, no convictions. what, he's done all this stuff, and he's going to go down in history as one of the greatest rapists of all time. 14 accusations, no convictions.

That is pretty phenomenal. I'm bulletproof. You'll never take me down. This might be it, though. This might take him down. This might. All right, Marcus, let's do a news story. A group of insane clown posse fans grabbed brooms, shovels, and some trash bags and hit the streets of Buffalo to help clean up.

What is a juggalo? I don't know. That's what it is. Well, fuck if I know. Great Malinko. Great Malinko. Bill Cosby does not understand that reference. Thank God.

What the fuck are you talking about? White people. Explain it to Bill. Oh, we're great. Insane Clown Posse, it's a white trash rap group that is officially a gang in the FBI's eyes. That's right. They're pretty cool. The Insane Clown Posse fans, also known as Juggalos, took part in the Buffalo Juggalos Outreach Program's first community cleanup program on Buffalo's east side. Some area residents even joined in to help beautify the area.

Organizers said they love lending a helping hand to those who need it. Jeremy Polmar Killingbeck, one of the Buffalo Juggalos. That's his real name? Killingbeck? Killingbeck, yeah. Okay Buffalo Juggalos. That's his real name, Killingbeck? Killingbeck, yeah. Okay. Polmar isn't, though.

Yeah, Polmar is his nickname. I guess that's his Juggalo name. Oh, they have nicknames for themselves. Yeah, Polmar. Found a genie, got three wishes. That night, I fought three fat bitches. God, I love insane. So his wishes were... I mean, at that point, during that album, Marcus and I were talking before the show,

that was produced by Disney. Yeah. Disney put out that album. Maybe they enjoyed the Aladdin reference. I think so. They didn't realize that they were what they were. They just saw, oh, clown rappers, perfect for Disney. Yeah, kids are going to love it.

They're all dirty. Do you guys have a lot of juggalos in your hometowns? I was a Juggalo. You weren't a real Juggalo. No, but I got into it for a little bit, and I still kind of enjoy listening to it. To be honest with you, I'd love to go to a gathering. Did you put? I'd love to.

I would. Those gatherings make. I'd love to go. No, the Juggalos in my town, it was just me and my buddy Gary. Did you put the makeup on, though? We never put the makeup on. We didn't even know people did that. Me and my buddy Gary. Did you put the makeup on, though? We never put the makeup on. Well, that's the difference. We didn't even know people did that.

Yeah, I didn't think there was, like, back in high school when I was listening to it, I didn't even know there was, like, Juggalos was, like, a real thing. I mean, I just thought it was this fucking dumb, ridiculous band. I think it only came out after Great Malinko. Like, that's when they got big. That was their breakthrough album. They started the whole, what was it, the Joker cards or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And each album was a card, and the sixth album was They started the whole, what was it, the Joker cards? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And each album was a card and the sixth album was the sixth card and it was going to be like some big explanation for life and then it was just this whole like Christian speech they gave at the end of the album.

Yeah. So, when was the Malenko? When did that come out? 98, 99? Yeah, that's what, yeah, I'm so glad I'm too old for this shit.

Oh, it was the worst. Oh, man. He's still in Florida? No, it was 97, so yeah, I was like 14. It's like kind of legitimately a good album. I mean, I'm just going to throw it down there. It's like pretty good, man. Yeah, I wish you guys had on some headphones right now so I could play it for you.

I'm really happy we don't. Yeah, that's not bad. They made an amazing Western film as well, the Shaggy 2-Dope and the gang. Dope. Shaggy 2-Dope. Oh, Shaggy 2-Dope? And Violent J. Violent J.

Would you do the gig? Or as Eminem would reference, Faggot 2-Dope and Silent Gay. Oh, yeah. Hey! I didn't know you liked Eminem, Bill. Bill Cosby loves Eminem. Eminem's getting some flack for threatening to slap Dana, Lena Del Rey.

Lana Del Rey. Lana, yeah. It was a very good freestyle. It was a very good freestyle he did. He's a great rapper. He is very good. His rapping skills are very good. Right.

He's in his 40s. That's crazy. Eminem, and he's not fat anymore, so he's a sellout. I don't like that one from a loose man. Be fat. When was he fat? He went through a huge three-year period of just morbid obesity. Really?

It was wonderful. He was like getting off drugs, though, right? Wasn't it like that? Yeah, but now he's back on them. Well, you know, if it keeps you thin. Yeah, you got to. You got to. Yeah, he was pretty bloated at one point.

Oh, he was just massive. Why didn't you just Google fat M&M? I did. That's all you got to do to find it. A lot of those are shopped. A lot of those are shopped. Oh, there's one headline. M&M starting to look like an M&M.

Oh, I get it. It's just that the peanut M&Ms, those are the fatter ones. Yeah. Man, whatever. Or an almond M&M. Yeah, or an almond. They are delicious. Short-lived? They don't have them anymore? I've never. I haven't Or an almond M&M. Yeah, or an almond. They are delicious. Short-lived?

They don't have them anymore? I've never, I haven't seen an almond M&M since 2001. I've seen almond M&Ms. They're really dusty in bodegas, but you can find them. That just makes me want to burn down a church. Yeah, burn it down. Take it to the ground. ICP.

Buffalo Jogalos. Unbelievable. So they're cleaning up that terrible town. Yep. Palmar said it's a pretty rough area. It needs the improvement. Needs the help. There's a lot of vacant lots.

Our home base hatchet house is nearby. So we figured we'd start at home and expand outwards. Does Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope, do they participate in any of these things? Or do they just let their fans? They teach a positive message, actually. Yeah, the great Malenko in fact, himself, was a genie that tricked

people into greed and ignorance. And you're supposed to take away that greed and ignorance is bad. Is that like during the fucking fat bitches line? That's positive. That's a good thing. That's positive. That's positive.

Even fat bitches get laid. He's trying to say beauty. He's trying to say, you know what, if I had three wishes, I wouldn't go for a Cindy Crawford or a Carmen Electra or anything like that. I'm gonna go for three fat bitches.

And that, my friend, is positive. That is positive. Oh, my God, you're right. I'm changed. I'm a new person. You might vanish in a heartbeat if somebody makes the wish. I'm a juggalette. Yeah, juggalette.

That's right. You're a juggalette. Oh, do they have different terms for the juggalotes? There's a juggaload and there's juggalettes. I say we do an on-site roundtable of gentlemen. We all go to the next gathering and fucking just record it. And just get beaten.

Just get nuts. I don't even know if they paid me. How much would they have to pay you to go? Ten bucks? I would go if you could, you know, kind of do a little documentary on it. And then there are a lot of chicks flashing their breasts, but they're sad. Gross, man. They're gross. Yeah, they are a little bit gross, but they're people too,

Louie. Man, I like all kinds of tits. I don't like juggalo tits, man. Really? There's a whole, like, They got jug in the name. They should be great. There's a whole tumblr with juggalo tits. I guess low is also in the name. Low jugs. Yeah, man. They're not good. They're not good. I think it's, I don't, let's see.

That's not bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Look at that. Look at that right there. Oh, those are perfect. That's not bad. Yeah. Well at that Look at that right there That was good Oh those are perfect That's not bad Yeah Oh go on And she's a juggalo There we go Okay yeah

Now that one See that's what I'm talking about That one's rough With the mohawk Uh oh But you know These Alright

Well these Sometimes She's great Yeah I mean there's It's about You know I would say 70-30 It's just different strokes Different folks But look at her face She's got fine breasts Within her face It's about I would say 70-30 It's just different strokes

But look at her face She's got fine breasts But then her face It's meth face It's meth face Yeah there's a lot of drugs I think at the conventions Oh this woman has

Jug a hoe Was it jug a hoe Over her breast there No jug a let Jug a let my man That's a jug a let Okay But I mean if you had to perform

I just feel like I would get Shit thrown at me I wouldn't do it I think that they would be The worst possible crowd for a human to ever have to be in front of. Jared Logan did it once. Yeah, Jared Logan. He did a gathering. Yeah, Jared Logan did it. I think Joe DeRosa did it once.

Did things get thrown at him? No. It wasn't tequila and tequila. I think they had a fine time. They didn't throw a poopy at him. And also, he's from West Virginia, so I feel like the second you say you're from West Virginia, they're like, all right, I'll listen to what he has to say. Really?

In his slightly gayish theater voice that he has all the time? Maybe bro it up a bit. Bro it up. No, I would assume the juggalos. There's got to be a lot of wonderful juggalos out there. And I would assume that probably some of our listeners are juggalos. I know that some of our listeners are juggalos. Because me and Holden before on this show and different ones have professed our love for the insane clown posse.

Hatch a man to the juggalo right here, man. Oh, fuck yeah. I get low with the juggos. Yeah. I don't know if they say that, but I'm throwing it out there. I like it. Well, if you have a gathering and you want to invite some special guest entertainers, invite us and we'll go down there. We'll do a big live spectacle show.

Down with the clown, round table style. Yeah, as long as they chant family, you're fine. Yeah. If they start going, family, family. If they do that, then you're in. You're in. You know what? You know what this is, man?

This is a lot of fucking fucked up, sad, lonely people. And this is a place they can go. We need things like these. Yeah. Because they're loading guns if they ain't doing stuff like this. You know what I'm saying? And now they're picking up brooms and cleaning up Buffalo. Yeah.

That's correct. Yeah. The Buffalo Juggalos. Quick question. Are there any black Juggalos? Yes. Yeah. Really?

They wear the white face makeup. And is that controversial? Not at all. Is the ICP involved with the whole KKK now allowing blacks and Jews and Protestants in? Yeah. Louie, are you going to go sign up? What kind of benefits? Oh, I think you get...

I mean, you probably could get into college with it for sure. The irony of wearing the robes. You don't need a gym. Louie, you get to be a wizard. That's what it's all about. You get to straight up call yourself a wizard. I have heard about that, but what's their justification? What are they saying?

They just want more members. And also, I think they're like, oh, look, now we can be legitimate because we allow everybody in. But are they really going to allow everybody in? They are saying that they are. This is weird. Go to my fucking hometown. Go see what they want to fucking say about it. I don't think so.

It's just weird to me. I wish the KKK could have stayed strong with their racism. You know? I feel like this is the... Have you ever seen the movie Fried Green Tomatoes? They're terrible, ignorant pieces of shit. They don't have the right to just change their platform all of a sudden. But are they saying that we're all together? Let's all meet

up to find out how we can separate the races together. You know what I mean? Right. I don't know. Here's what the KKK is all about now. At least the Rocky Mountain Knights, who is the chapter that is saying... The Rocky Mountain Knights? The Rocky Mountain Knights that are bringing all the people in. They say that the new clan

is all for a strong America in order to fight against the one world order. Oh, so they're sort of more of an Alex Jones type situation now. More of an anti-globalization type of thing. And it's also against immigrants as well. Oh, so they still hate immigrants.

They still hate immigrants. As long as you're American. Exactly. As long as you're American, it's turned into a pro-American thing rather than a white supremacy thing. Okay. All right. Louie, you're shaking your head. You're not signing up?

I'm going to say scarier, but scarier in a new kind of way. I don't know. We have to say, okay. Louie, don't be a mopey now. Be a big fun yes. They're trying to include people. I respect that.

Would you go down there, Shaq? Be a Rocky Mountain Nightman? Never. Never. No way. Just watch the movie Fried Green Tomatoes again. What happens in Fried Green Tomatoes? Yeah, why?

Why? I don't remember the KKK aspect. That's the thing. I thought it was about Melody Griffith or something. The guy gets his foot stuck on the bridge and the train comes. Yeah, it's all Mary Louise Parker in the old down south with fucking,

what's her name from all the 80s movies, the one that kind of looks like a dyke? Jew Donahue. No, not Jew Donahue. Mary Sue Masterson. And Mary Louise Parker's husband

is in the KKK and he is taking over town. He's very bad. And she makes friends with the one black guy in town who is trying to save her from her abusive husband. But he's in the KKK. So they take over the entire fucking town. It's very scary.

It's very real. Really? When do the tomatoes come in? I don't even. There's no tomatoes. It's a whole other thing. It's a whole symbolism. It's like a fried green tomato.

It's like a fried green tomatoes and I rub them on my balls. It's so good symbolism So the fried green tomatoes The fried green tomatoes And I rub them on my body It's so good Right, yeah I rub them on my body And then I call my husband home Yeah, look it up there That's when Mary Louise Parker

Had a real face You know, she was looking hot Man, I want to jump her bones Still today? Yeah Oh, she's looking Woo No, she's fine

She's so cute Pull up some pics Yeah, yeah, yeah Fried green tomatoes Is where No, she's fine. She's. Yeah. Love some pics. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have no idea what this woman looks like. Fried Green Tomatoes is where I was fucking at. What was her name again? Mary. Mary Louise Parker.

Is that the one that was married to Ted Danson? It's because I haven't done page seven in a few weeks, Marcus. I have to talk about these things. Yeah, I know. No, no, no. The one you're thinking of is Mary, what's her name? Shit. She was in What's Eating Gilbert Grape.

Gone Holloway. Mary Sue Masterson. What are fruits and vegetables? The only movie titles you assholes know. What's Eating Gilbert Grape? Mary Stewart Masterson. What are fruits and vegetables? The only movie titles you assholes know. What's wrong with you? Yeah, check it out. That's her right there. Oh, she's from Weeds.

Say Weeds. I'm sorry, Weeds, but also fried green tomatoes. You gotta get the one where she's in the little bathing suit. Oh, yeah, this one. Look at that. Look at that. Fucking cutting up some dank nog. She's got pictures of her.

That is. She looks like a Frankenstein now. I have jade off. Can I say jade off, Marcus? You can say that, monkey. I have grabbed my cock vigorously to that picture. Yeah. Now I can't look at anyone.

Did you jack off to the girl or the weed holder? Oh, maybe. Lunatic. Maybe I did. Bill Cosby, what was your favorite thing about looking at that picture? I like the white women. I've got to say Bill likes the white women. She's already on drugs, so you don't get to drug her twice.

Perfect. That's not bad at all. That was convenient for me! Man, we can really make fun of Bill Cosby now, huh? Yeah. That's a fun thing to do. You could always... It was always...

Bill Cosby impression always kills me. Yeah. I like when they get real abstract. You ever watch that cartoon that was like the Cosby clones? Yeah. Yeah. It was great. They keep making all these Cosby clones, but then they get weirder and weirder because they keep cloning them like multiplicity.

Like multiplicity. It's called House of Cosby. Yeah. That's what it's called. And yeah, man, they were really weird, man. Those Cosby freak out. He sued them. Yeah.

He did? Yeah. He's a monster. He is a monster. Let people laugh. Let them laugh, Bill. Not at my expense. Let people laugh.

Let them laugh, Bill. Not at my expense. Cosby will not tolerate multiple Cosbys in the cartoon. Oh, my goodness. All right, so the Juggalos are cleaning up Buffalo, Buffalo Juggalos. That's great. Good, very nice story. Good on you, Juggalos.

We love you. We love you, Juggalos. If I was out to a gathering, I would love to have my mind changed, and I tend to love people every time I'm around them, so I'm sure I would enjoy every second of it. And there wasn't a chick with bad boobs in that entire spread that you showed us, Marcus. I'd love to go. I would love to go, too. I'm there. Alright, next news story.

Police. What is that? Monkey's being a bad monkey. What was that, monkey? Huh? Let your inner child out. I want to touch it, daddy. How come big brother always gets two? It's unbelievable.

Okay, next news story. Police say a man was robbed on what was arguably the worst first date ever. First, first date ever. Jeffrey Mack, 23, of North Plains, Oregon, went to meet Heather Doreen Hager, 20, in person after chatting with her on meetme.com. The two met at a local Arby's restaurant around 10 p.m. After Hager got in a Mack's vehicle, the couple went through the drive-thru where Mack bought Hager a milkshake. Mack handed the window clerk a $5 bill and recovered two $1 bills and change, which he put back in his wallet on the center console.

Hager then grabbed the wallet, opened the vehicle's passenger door, and ran across the parking lot. Mack called 911, and police were ultimately able to track Hager down to her minivan. Inside, police found Mack's wallet, along with hypodermic needles, two jars of hash oil, marijuana pipes, a scale, and a pill bottle of a material suspected to be methamphetamine. Sergeant Dan Krause of the Wilsonville Police Department said the two $1 bills were still in the wallet. That was all the money he had.

They also found a CD called Ikpo from a group. It was called the Great Malinko, I believe. Cops don't know what it is. Man, hash oil sounds great, though. Hash oil is great. This woman already had all the drugs that she needed. Why did she need an extra $2? It sounds like she was loaded with the stuff.

Yeah, she could have gone and sold some shit, but I don't know. Maybe she just didn't want to hang out with the guy anymore and figure, fuck it, let's take the wallet while we're at it. Well, he didn't even let them go eat in the Arby's. He took her through the drive-thru. This is the trashiest date I've ever heard of in my entire life. Yeah. Get her a big Montana burger at least. Meetme.com.

Let's go to the Arby's. I've never heard of it. Have you heard about meetme.com? No, but I'm checking it out. No, there's so many of these new ones. I can't keep track of them. 90 million plus people meeting. Is that like So You Wanna?

Is that the other one? Yeah, right. I kept it for a little while, right? Yeah. So it's like you would approach, instead of just meeting someone through a dating site, it would be like, I got a really cool thing going on. I got tickets to this horse show where they bake baskets and whatever in it. A horse show where they bake baskets.

Bake baskets. Baskets for the horses. Baskets made out of fucking bread. Yeah, yeah. How about we? I think it was called how about we. How about we. Yeah, that was his. How about we? I think it was called how about we. How about we? Yeah, that was his.

How about we? Take a trip. I have tickets to go to the slime warehouse. Yeah. You know? And they make slime there. Yeah, yeah. Difficult tickets to get.

That's for sure. I didn't do too well on it. Yeah? Difficult tickets to hold on to. No, I mean, but I would have gone. How about we have sex in my apartment That's disgusting That is the slime factory

That is not right Don't need tickets though Well actually you do need tickets You do have to get a special ticket I'm still confused with the Arby story So the girl he met on the date She took his stuff? She took his wallet.

And her drug area was in the parking lot of the Arby's? Yeah, she parked her minivan in the other side of the parking lot when they went up to meet up at the Arby's. Why didn't she just drive it? Drive the minivan? Yeah. Because it seems like the cops just found her in the minivan. Well, they found her later because the guy saw her drive away in the minivan

because he apparently called the cops over $2. With the wallet, the ID, the credit card. I don't think it has credit cards. No, probably not. Maybe a WIC card or a benefit card or something like that. Yeah, like a food line card. Yeah, I'm sure he wanted

something in that wallet. Man, I would love to go on an Arby's date right fucking now. I haven't had Arby's. I used to work at an Arby's Sbarro combo. You worked at an Arby's? Oh, yeah. You combined it with Sbarro? Yeah, it was in Menominee, Wisconsin. It was one of the greatest moments. It was a really wonderful time for me.

And I loved working at Arby's, and I would plow through the meat in the fridge. What about that rumor that the meat is made of dust or something like that? The meat's liquid. It's liquid. That's not true. It comes in. I believe it.

It's pumped. Yeah, because it's so processed. There's a thousand different cows in each slice of roast beef. It's not like one good cut. And so they pump it into the bags. You take the bags. Obviously, by the time it gets to the Arby's, they're not quite congealed and solidified

yet. So you can see how it was very liquid. And then it's still like, you can write your name in it. I love horsey sauce, man. The fucking horsey sauce. Is it liquid or not? What are you saying? It was formerly liquid that gets chilled until it's hard. And then it comes to the Arby's restaurant.

And then you put it in your refrigerator and it solidifies into that beautiful roast beef. And then you heat it up, and it stays solid? Yeah, I mean, you could heat it up. It depends if you're getting the Big Montana or if you're getting the, you know. Do you squeeze it out of a tube, though? Well, it comes squeezed, pre-squeezed, but they showed us a video, and yeah. Oh, they showed you a video. I'm getting so fucking horny.

It's hot. Just talking about it. It's steamy. You're squeezing you a video? Yeah, of how it's all made. I'm getting so fucking horny. It's hot. Just talking about it. It's steamy. Squeezing it, and it comes, you heat it up. Oh, it's wonderful. Good bread at the Arby's. Love Arby's. And the mozzarella sticks, truly the best mozzarella sticks in the entire fast food game.

There's no doubt about that. I don't understand why more fast food places don't have sauces with horseradish in it. Yeah, yeah, it's true. I think Arby's has it on lockdown. You put it in your mayo, you eliminate the need for mustard. Horsey sauce. There you go. Horsey sauce.

Arby's is great. So this was a very high class date. I would assume, like most American towns now, that's the only places to eat. Yeah. You know, all these places, all these towns, the only places they can go is our fast food restaurants. So the Arby's date, that's a pretty big get. Nah, man. Applebee's, man. Come on. Step your game up's date, that's a pretty big get. No, man.

Applebee's, man. Come on. Step your game up. Yeah, that second date. Third date. It's after you bone. Definitely. North Plains is a town of about 2,000 people.

They might have an Applebee's. They have an Applebee's. Maybe. I always buy my parents Outback gift certificates. They love them. The Blooming Onion is the worst thing a human being can possibly put into their body. It's so good. Is that including the sauce that you

dip it in? Oh, it includes everything. So good. So good. There's a study for that? Oh, yeah. Number one. Blooming Onion. Wow. That sauce. Worst thing ever. Man, I love a good fucking sauce. Yeah, but I just feel like you don't have to dip a carrot in it. Ideal sauce,

Jackie. What's the best sauce? Best sauce? Burp it out. I'm going to say... I mean, I love that fucking Bloomin' Onion sauce. It is great. But I'm going to throw it out there. A nice Chipotle mayo.

Yeah. I think Chipotle mayo might be the best dipping sauce. It is a good sauce. Once I was in... No, that's a good sauce. Jackie, your audible, bizarre internal groans have been very interesting. Chipotle mayo is delicious.

It is. It is. It has a fucking sweet potato fry in it. It's not regular potato. It's a sweet potato that's better for you. That's right.

That's right. I once, I was at this restaurant in England. There was like this traditional British food. They put the sauce on it The sauce didn't add any flavor

So all it was doing was just making it more moist How fucking How gross is that? How disgusting is your food? That's gross All sauce does is add flavor So the British food is bad I've heard of it

They're trying to step it up It's better now I went to like This was like the place where they used to They've been eating there since the 1700s They serve like Potatoes and eels That's all they serve Meat there since the 1700s. They serve potatoes and eels. That's all they serve.

Meat pie and fish and chips. No, none of that. Just eels. Eels and mashed potatoes. That's all they have. Did they fry the eels? I don't know. It was gross.

It was horrible. So essentially, you made it a place that was comparable to Temple of Doom, Indiana Jones. They brought out monkey brains. They brought... I mean, it was more like you could picture Like if you're like Jack the Ripper's hanging over there I just worked in a factory For 23 hours I'm a kid

I'm covered in coal where am I going to eat I'm going to have these fucking eels More eels for you love Yeah that kind of stuff Oh my god Louis you were saying earlier that you went to Brazil What's the best sauce in Brazil You know they don't have big Butt sauce Is it butt sauce Louis, you were saying earlier that you went to Brazil. What's the best sauce in Brazil?

You know, they don't have big... Oh, man. Butt sauce. Butt sauce. Is it butt sauce? No, like a chimichurri? Is that Brazilian? The ladies have big fucking fat asses out there, right? They do have big fat asses.

Yeah, they're beautiful. Giant asses. Did you get a Brazilian lady while you're out there? I mean, not on this trip, but on previous trips. How many times have you been to Brazil? I've lived in Brazil. Oh, okay. Isn't that the place where you can really hire like a really fucking great one?

I mean, I saw... A human bean? Yeah. Okay. I peeked into the, like, the high class whorehouse that was in Rio. The one that got profiled in Rolling Stone for the World Cup. And I was thinking about it, and there was just too many dudes coming in there.

It was too popular. Yeah, it was like that skeeved me out. I'm not necessarily anti-prostitution, but I saw this one girl, and it was straight up like, I was seeing these girls, and I'm like, they're not that hot, they're not that hot. And there's one girl in the doorway, and I was like, I'll do this. And then like 20 dudes piled up, just went went around me and it was like, all right, that's too much.

I can't. Yeah. Yeah. Cause you're looking at all the penises that are going to fly in her vagina. And you know what? They were all more like, they were all older and more busted than me. And I was like, man, I could do better than this. You know?

I would use. So it was the guys that turned you off. Yes. The idea of sharing a prostitute. You were just like, I would never. Well, it's like, it's like you were saying, it's like, man, I'm, I might, I'll eat at Arby's, but maybe if you, if you show me that video right before, I'm not going to want to eat at Arby's. I was showing the Arby's video.

Oh, you'll want to eat at Arby's. You'll want to eat at Arby's even more than ever before. See, I did down like five bucks to watch them all junk on her. Junk on her. It was way more than that. How much were they going for? The whole list. I guess he didn't get to the part where you've exchanged money.

We discussed it, but I can't remember by now. She was like, $40 for three fingers. It was Rio de Janeiro. It's called Centauros. It's called, I could spell it for you. Sure. C-E-N. C-E-N.

T-A-U. T-A-U. R-U-S. R-U-S. Centaurus? Wait, do you speak Portuguese as well? Fluent. Can you give us some? Can you say, where's your fucking hamburger, you bitch?

Wow! Alright, well, I'm done for the night. Are you wetted out now? Yeah, I'm alright. I just came down my pants, and now I'm done. Yeah, do you use this Portuguese in bed? Ladies must love it. It's a very sexy, saucy language.

Well, you can, it's one of my, like, you can tell if I'm hitting on someone if I bring up that I speak Portuguese within the first five minutes. Like, oh, you know, I have, like, if I happen to speak Portuguese. Yeah, man. It never impresses anyone. No one, no one cares. What do you mean? That's your guitar. That's your fucking instrument.

Yeah, that's it. No one cares. I think you mean? That's your guitar. That's your fucking instrument. Yeah, that's it. No one cares. I think you shouldn't tell people you speak Portuguese. You just walk up to a woman and say something Portuguese in her ear. They'll think I'm like a retarded Spaniard. Oh, he doesn't speak. Oh, is he your special friend? Is he special?

If you get in trouble with the law or something, you could just throw it. This is a secret power. I mean, this is a superpower. Well, you know what I keep waiting for is someone to be talking shit about me in Portuguese, and then I turn around and I'm like, I speak Portuguese, but I spoke Portuguese for 14 years, and this never happened. Oh, but it will one day, and when it does, it's going to be amazing. 14 years?

That's how long you lived in Brazil? No, no. Since that's when I learned Portuguese was 14 years ago. It's been around for a while. And what inspired you to learn it? Because I've been trying to learn foreign languages but I haven't mastered English. What foreign languages have you been trying to learn? I was trying to...

You can't even lie about it. Canadian! You can't even name a language besides English. A boat? I've been working on my boat. I tried to learn... That's good. I tried to learn Italian in college. Bellissimo. Bellissimo.

Bellissimo. That's a Saturday Night Live sketch that you guys are doing. That's the waiters in the Saturday Night Live sketch. Yeah, yeah, exactly. You didn't even take a class. You just watched that sketch. You just watched the sketch over and over again. It's a very romantic language.

I was trying to get my fucking knob rubbed. Yeah. Ugh. That was trying to get my fucking knob rubbed. Ugh. Anyway. I'm speaking Italian. Yeah, it's so gross. I was going to tan myself brown, too. You're sort of turning brown on your own.

Am I? I don't get to tan. Yeah, you're a weird pigmentation. You look like you need to be basted. Thanksgiving's coming up. Who wants to eat me? Oh, honestly, Louie's around the door. I get the asshole.

Man, I just found out the chicken butt is the best part of the chicken. Really? I didn't know that. Get out of here. Butt meat is the first thing you're supposed to eat

off a human if you're stranded in a fucking snow place. Yeah. I didn't know that. Yeah, they eat the butt alive. We always remember a lot.

Can't you live through that though? Can't you just be like, just cut off my butt and so I can wake up? Cut off some butt meat? I don't know. If you're stranded out though and you don't have proper medical supplies.

Are you talking about the muscle around the anus or are you talking about the chunky butt flesh? We're not talking about the tube, the poop tube. That's like the last thing you need. What are we, making anus straws and

sucking out fucking spring water? I would like that. That sounds fun. Find something else. I know. They're just taking chunks in alive because certain people died in the plane crash. You're giving things away. Oh, you're having the movies two decades old.

30 years old, I think, yeah. So, yeah, when they finally had to start eating people, they started with the butt flesh. Naturally. Of course you eat the butt first. In Brazil, I mean, God knows, hopefully you have a bunch of those gals on your plane and they all die. You'll eat for months. A lot of fake asses, though. This is a whole.

Is this real? Everyone's talking about fake butt implants. They also have the jeans with the butt implants inside the jeans so you don't have to actually get plastic surgery. Oh, that's a good call. If you get a butt implant, what do you do during the healing process?

That's what I've heard. It's very dangerous because you use your butt like all the time. Always. You always got to sit down or lie down or something like that.

I use my ass constantly. We don't want to hear about it. But what I want to know is, like you can, so I think like, well, last time I was at a strip club, I was like,

I know what fake titties look like. Right. Can you tell a fake S? I mean, maybe if it has a gas hose attached to it and it's just hydraulic as shit and fumes are coming off of it. I feel like it's probably a lot easier to hide because it would cut underneath the butt. Well, I think it's injections and not an implant. It is injections. Oh, I see. They inject silicone.

In fact, there was a woman here in New York that killed another woman by injecting it. New Jersey or Philly? All three. There was one in Philly, there was one in Jersey, and one here in the city of Dominican Gal. There was one gal who just put a bunch of corn oil

in her fucking butt, and then that got all bumpy and weird. She died. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Great eating, though. Yeah, you can't pump anything in your body. It's a bad idea.

I know you like them big, but what would you take over what? Ass or titties? You can go to track 14 of my album called If These Balls Could Talk, and I discuss that whole conundrum. I break it all down. I'm serious. All right. So, Louie, I hear that you have a bit of a conundrum between butts and boobies.

What's that all about? Are you setting me up for my bit? Because I'm not going to do it. Welcome to Roundtable Unleashed. What I don't understand, though, is when you get a breast implant, and if it's silicone, they put the pods of silicone into your breast. Underneath the fat. But if it leaks, then it becomes a problem inside of your body.

So how do you just inject silicone into your ass? It's got to be different than just straight up injecting the damn thing. Maybe it's not silicone. Or you know what? Someone's, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know either. Maybe it's like hamburger meat. It's fat. it's not silicone. Or you know what? Someone's, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know either.

Maybe it's like hamburger meat. It's fat. It's not silicone. Look at that. Oh, they just inject other fat? Or is it Arby's meat? They call it a Brazilian meat. I would love if it was Arby's meat. You have fat in your ass,

and how does it not sink down into your thighs? That's got to be one of the problems. I'm sure they figured this out. Ooh, that's got to be the worst, too, if it all falls down into your thighs. Or into your knees. You have to keep getting them, I think. I think it does dissipate after a while.

Here's what the butt augmentation, this is what NYCSurgical.com says they do. They take fat from areas where you don't want it and then transplant that fat in your ass. Like what they do for hair? Yeah, like what they do for hair or skin. Do they ever take pubic hair and put that on top of someone's head? That would look bad. That would look bad. Yeah, it would look terrible.

Do they ever take a monkey's ass and put it in you? I don't know if you can do that. Because I know they do that with hearts and stuff. No, they don't do that with hearts. No monkey heart's ever been in a person. Monkey hearts have definitely been in a person. Christian Slater. That happened to Christian Slater.

In a what? In a movie. Yeah, it fucking did. What was the name of that movie? I love that movie. Monkey Heart. Baboon Heart. What was it called? Baboon Monkey Heart? Monkey Heart. Yeah, he fucking did. What was the name of that movie? Monkey Heart. What was it called?

Baboon Monkey Heart? Monkey Heart. Yeah, Monkey Heart. You remember Monkey Heart? Return to the fucking Baboon Monkey, bitch. I think that also had Mary Stewart Masterson in it. Yeah. Lover.

It was called. Yeah, it is Baboon Hearts. That's what they put in you. There's a movie called Baboon Hearts? No, it's not called Baboon Hearts. No, it's not. That's what it's called. It's real.

They take a Baboon Heart and put it inside of a human? Yeah, they took a baboon heart and put it into a baby. And how did the baby do? It didn't work. No, it didn't work. Baby died almost instantly. Is it Mengele University the doctor went to? I mean, why would that possibly work?

With pubic hair, though, there was a brighter side that I was on that no one will ever hear, because it was very weird, of a dude that was on that his hands were all fucked up when he was born, so he had no real fingers. He had crab hands. He was lobster boy. Lobster boy, yeah. So they took skin from his groin area, and they fashioned it into fingers on his hands. So he's got balls hands.

So he has pubic hair on his hands. So that's what that guy has to tell a girl he's hitting on in the first five minutes. You get to speak Portuguese, Louis, so feel good about yourself. Yeah, he's got to explain how he has to shave his hands every two weeks. Because it's all nut sack. It's all nut bag hands. Technically, it's young

nut bag hands. I love it, man. Kissel, if you were to have an animal's heart put in you that gave you certain powers Hippo! Hippo, man! Love the hippo. They're funny for starters. You can move real quick, make it more dangerous. Good at swimming.

Yeah, and I love to be completely submerged in the water except for my eyes. They're like a little submarine. I've seen Benny do that in the bathtub sometimes. You can't fit in the bathtub. No, not with water in it. That's too bad. I'll walk in to pour beer into the toilet, which for some reason that was the thing we did.

And he'd be in there and just just Benny eyes. I don't remember any beer going to waste when we lived together for seven years. I'm pretty sure every drop of that beer was consumed by someone. That is true. I no longer live with Kissel. I bet you miss him. Missing my memories. I don't.

I have no feeling. It doesn't matter. Yeah, I bet you miss him so much. Missing my memories. I have no feeling. It doesn't matter. Yeah, it's fine. We did it. We did it for a really long time. I think that's why it's not like a big deal. I mean, it doesn't matter. Nothing's changed.

Well, apparently it's great. No, it's not great. It's fine. Apparently he loves that I'm out of there. I drink a lot of whiskey still. I don't think anything has changed whatsoever. Mike gets terrified sometimes because he's like, I went to sleep at 10 p.m. And then I had to go to the bathroom at 3 a.m.

And I'm like, I've been up all night, man. Yeah, yeah. You want to listen to some music? Sit down. And so he just goes back to his room. Honestly, that's why I had to move out, I think, is just the propensity to hang out with Kissel until fucking 4 in the morning. It was not me. At least once a week. And I'd have to call out sick.

You're too easy to get drunk with until insane hours in the night. I would argue that you were drunker than I was. Oh my god, I get real drunk. But that's because your body has a propensity. Is this a public forum? Oh right, forget about it.

God, if Bill Cosby was just here to settle this whole drinking feud. What? Somebody said Bill Cosby? Yay! Bill Cosby's back! This is like turning into the Seth MacFarlane podcast. I just so happen to be in the neighborhood.

And I was like, why not stop by the brown table, gentlemen? Hang out with my main man, Ben Kessel. Talk about serial killers. Because that's the thing. The Kessel likes to talk about serial killers. Bill, who is your favorite serial killer? I do like to talk about him.

I think you know Mr. Manson. Mr. Charles Manson. Yeah. He also had sex with a lot of ladies and gave them a lot of drugs as well. Yeah. That's why he's my hero. So you heard it here first, folks. Charles Manson's Bill Cosby's personal hero.

Unbelievable. That's amazing. We do get scoops every now and again, but this is one of our largest ones yet, I think. It's huge. Wow. You heard it first on the round table of gentlemen. Wow. The cosman likes the Manson.

Wow. You might be joining him in prison soon, so I'm happy you guys get along. Let's do another story, Marcus. A man who had been engulfed in flames walked into a Phoenix Taco Bell while still smoldering and begged for a glass of water. Customers spotted the man on fire Thursday night in a parking lot and the taco chain shares

with an Arby's restaurant. Double Arby's. Wow. Sbarro Arby's, Taco Bell, Arby's. Arby's is connecting itself to everybody. Oh yeah. At least 90% of the man's body was burning. It's unclear how or why he was set ablaze. The manager at Arby's, Lindsay Reidlinger, she said he was just standing there. He wasn't screaming.

He wasn't yelling or anything. He just looked like he was in complete shock. Reidlinger grabbed a fire extinguisher when her customers told her about the man and ran outside to help. She found him nearly naked. His burning clothes were in a pile next to him. She sprayed him down with the extinguisher, putting out most of the flames. Then the still smoldering man turned around and walked into the Taco Bell where he asked for some water to drink. The smoke coming off the man forced the Taco Bell to evacuate.

That's so great. And some fire sauce, I would assume. He doesn't need it. Yeah, he doesn't need the fire sauce. That's fine. Thank you. Thank you. Give this man some mild. Cool him down. Yeah, give him some skin flakes on one of those tacos.

Very good. I love that this guy who's on fire is just like, I'm a little parched. I feel a little parched. I just feel like I'm on fire. You are on fire, water. Just water. What could I have? I'm a little parched. I feel a little parched. Just feel like I'm on fire. You are on fire, sir. Oh, is that okay? Anybody ever been burned, like, past?

No. No. No. Everyone, let me just look around. No. You actually made me. I got some grease on. You know, yeah, I used to work at the Pita Ria Greek food restaurant and got some grease

burns on me. I saw the guy on the subway the other day that has his entire face burned off. He just goes around and says, my eyes. My eyes. I saw that guy on Halloween this year. I took it as a very good omen. Had a fantastic Halloween. That's great.

Yeah. On Halloween, I got in a fight with a guy who cut in line at a pizza place, and he shoved a pizza in my face, and that burned me briefly. Was it a two brothers or one dollar slice pizza? Why would you start the fight? I would let somebody, I would let the person cut, honestly. Well, I was, I don't know, I was drunk, I was with a couple friends, and you know, it was a long line, it was end of Halloween, it was Joe's Pizza in the Village.

Sure. Oh yeah. And then he just went to the front and got two slices. But instead of saying something like a regular person, I decided I was gonna physically accost him. And I tried, I tried I was going to physically accost him. And I tried to block him from leaving, and then he got passed by me. What were you going to do? I don't know. Keep him there?

I don't know. I guess I live here now. This tiny Jewish man has confronted me. I'm the smallest one of all my friends, but he passed by me, so I'm like, I got to do this. This is on me. I tried to knock the pizza out of his hand, but I'm not strong enough. And then he turned around and slammed the pizza in my face. So at least at the end of it, though, he got no pizza.

And I got extra pizza. That's great. That's kind of nice. Victory. But I was scarred for a little while with pizza scars, which is not a good story for scars. It was like a two-face, right? But it was just a pizza slice. It was all just right here. It was all just right here.

It was all just right in your mouth. He slapped it right in your mouth? He slapped it right in my face. It was all sauce on my glasses. I saw this really great video of a dickhead who decided, like, as a prank video, he was just going to walk up to a dude and slap him in the face with a slice of pizza.

And then the dude fucking just jacked him. And he just passed out. Like, he knocked him out. He knocked him out. I love watching KO, people getting tased, and people getting knocked out. You said, BD, the other day of one dude kicking two guys down with two punches. Yes!

Just knocked two guys down. Over and over. I watched it over and over again. I'll watch those too. I love watching knockout videos. I think maybe it's because it's something I've never done and could probably never do. Love watching that stuff. They go viral. There was the 8-pole jacket guy on the subway.

Love that video. That was so loud. Love it. Oh, man, I love when someone's just usually a lady is screaming about bullshit on the subway train, and someone takes care of it. I love that. She hit him first.

She hit him first. You're not supposed to just walk up and slap women. At the end of the day, if they're running their fucking mouths. Isolate that audio. That would be great. But Holden, if you want to work on a knockout video, I'll work on it with you.

I'll fucking punch you over and over again. Watching you get knocked out, that would go fucking, is there something bigger than viral? That would be huge. We were also talking about the chokeout game the other day. Turns out, which I haven't talked about this in a really long time, that most people in their high school have very different chokeout games. Everyone that I talked to had a different one than my high school. But it was a different sort of system where you'd sort of get them up against the wall right and they'd like

pass out. That's some of them. Because you didn't have any weed or any beer or anything that night. We just strangled each other until we passed out. That's the thing is that in our school it was always we would have belts on each other's I didn't do it but belts on each other's necks and you would

like dead weight and pull on it to tighten it and whoever passed out first lost the game. Were they lost? I thought the whole point was to pass out. But no it's like it's to stay it's to not pass out but then there's another one that I was talking to a friend of mine that said in his high school

it was that you would bend over at the waist and someone would come from behind you and squeeze you in your midsection really really hard for like a minute. Yes. And then you would stand up really fast and hopefully fall out of like choke out. Yeah. Yeah. This is in high school?

Yeah. We didn't do that. Yeah. Me neither. You guys didn't have a choke out game? No. I was in a highly gifted program. I was in a very very gifted program but we did a lot of fucking drugs. We would, yeah, but it was like the crayon gifted, you know, like different than you. We were too busy fucking people's houses up. We were egging and toilet paper. Oh, so much of that fun stuff.

So you didn't do chokeout. But, Marcus, you had chokeout, right? Yeah, yeah, we did chokeout. Well, why not drugs and drinking? When we finally- We did those two. That was the night that we couldn't get any drugs. Which is a different thing.

Yeah, that's what you did during school. That's when the drinking and the drugging started. Sensible people, if we didn't have any drugs, we'd go to the grocery store and buy a bunch of whipped cream cans and do whippets. Naturally. We always found booze. One of the fun things we did, we took...

We couldn't get booze that easily. We'd get naked a lot in Wisconsin. Run around the streets. Kind of fun. All nude. All buff. If it was snowing. And we would pee in mailboxes.

That was always a good time. Kids liked to do that. Yeah. I had a friend who almost went to federal prison because he decided he wanted to start making mail bombs. Well, that would be why you would go. He used to make. He made pipe bombs and put them in a

bunch of teacher's mailboxes and blew them all up. Teacher's mailboxes? Like, that's dumb! What we did with mailboxes, we dug up everybody's mailboxes on the street and moved them one house down. Which I'm actually very proud of that. That's really funny. Yeah, it just, the mailman was probably very upset. And then the next day, they all had to go

move them back, and they were upset. See, that's a prank. See, the prank you're talking about, you just go move them back and they were upset. See, that's a prank. The prank you're talking about you just go up to someone and slap them in the face, that's not a prank. That's just fucked up. Why is everyone doing this? It's because of the viral video. Except for when we got a GoPro on their goddamn head. You know the worst ones are like these preppy white

guys going into serious hoods, ghettos and going up. Oh, saying the racist stuff? And doing, and they'd come up and be like, I forget what it's like, but'd do stuff just to get their asses beat, essentially. Yeah, yeah. And that's like a big thing. Why? That's not a game. Scrabble is a game.

Even the chokeout game is a game. One of them was real uninspired. It was like, one by a gun. One by a gun. And they'd be like, what the fuck, motherfucker, what the fuck? And they'd be like, oh, it's just a water gun. And they'd get like their asses beaten for it. But people are watching.

Yeah. Yeah. I guess so. I mean, yeah, I'd watch that video. Watch it once, you know. A lot of people are watching it once. Yeah. But what if they get beaten to death?

And then there's a video of it. And everyone's like, these men beat this man. It's like he was fucking asking for it. Literally asking to get the shit beat. I mean, there was that situation with the bus driver where the woman was going crazy on the bus, and he stood up and gave one of the most solid uppercuts I've ever seen in my entire life. Are you going to jail now? Is that the one?

Yeah. Oh, my goodness. I'll tell you what, too, man. I recently acquired cable, and the best thing about it is that- You acquired it? Yeah, because I didn't have it. You took somebody's die in your family and you were left to- I moved in with my girlfriend and she had cable, so I acquired it.

The best thing ever about it is- She is so much better than you. There is always a channel on cable 24 hours a day that has a cops marathon. It's not always the same channel, but there's always a channel that has a solid run of cops whenever I get home. It's always on in my parents' house.

It is the best. It's my favorite. It's the best. I love watching endless cops because you might see someone get tased. You're going to see someone get the shit beat out of them. It's all my favorite stuff. It's a little bit more intense now with all the cops killing random people.

Well, they don't show that on the TV. Marcus, what are you so intensely looking at? I'm trying to see what time cops comes on tonight. It's all the time. If you have a bunch of cable, you can find cops at any point in the day. If you have hundreds of channels. I'm putting a theory to test right now, seeing if I can find cops on.

I'm sure it's on right now. A lot of times it's on Spike TV. Other times it's on something else. It used to be all over True TV. Or True TV. Yeah. True TV. And now they also have the talking heads bullshit of people hurting themselves.

The World's Dumbest? Yes. That's not bullshit. That's good programming. Have you been on that show, Louie? The World's Dumbest? Yes. That's not bullshit. That's good programming. Have you been on that show, Louie? The World's Dumbest Criminals is my father's favorite show. No, it's my dream to be on a show like that. I know it.

All I do is I just want to watch those videos. And they try and play it down at TruTV. They're trying to do Kevin. They're like, we're trying to get away from that. Like, nah, man, that shit's good. Just share it. It's all the money. And there are a lot of people that want to watch it any time of day.

I will watch it any time of day. Yeah, they're amazing. Super funny. I agree. Well, tomorrow there is a Cops Marathon on Clue TV. I don't want to wait until tomorrow. On what TV? Clue TV.

Oh, Clue TV. Clue TV. Yes, you can watch Cops from 10 a.m. to 8 p.m. tomorrow. Wow. Clue. I'm looking forward. This is the first time I'm going to be home for Thanksgiving in like 10 years. And every Thanksgiving, there's like the best of cops marathon on.

And we're going to fucking watch it all day. Watch it all day. Yeah. So I can't afford that shit, but I'm going to watch Dumb Idiots. And that's what I'm thankful for. Endlessly entertaining. That I'm not that dumb. Right. Well, speaking of dumb idiots, let's get back to this guy here.

So he's thirsty, he got his water, he's not on fire anymore. He's in critical condition with second and third degree burns covering 90% of his body. All right. And the cops have no idea how he caught fire. You want to figure that out. Yeah. People are just very important.

Maybe he just held a magnifying glass over himself. It happened like that. For a really long time. For a really long time. I'm just going to guess meth. Yeah. Yeah. I would say he was

cooking meth. That's pretty easy. Let's go to Idaho for our next story. An Idaho biology teacher is facing possible disciplinary action after killing

and skinning a rabbit in class to show students where their food comes from. I heard about this and I read into it. And the whole thing is that like this is an animal that they breed animals to kill them to eat them. What is the. They made me so mad. He's teacher of the year in my opinion. Yeah.

Nampa. I love that class. Yeah. Nampa school district spokeswoman Allison Westfall says the teacher killed the rabbit in front of 16 students by snapping its neck. The rabbit was then skinned and cut up in front of the 10th graders. They pretend like snapping his neck isn't the way to kill it. He didn't fuck it to death. Yeah.

What is he supposed to do? That's how you do it. And the students who didn't want to view the lesson were allowed to leave ahead of time. I hate this about the culture right now. We consume more food and more meat. We're fatter than ever, but no one wants to see an animal die. Why couldn't you just pre-killed it before? Because these kids need to learn.

They got to know. They got to know that these things die. The humane way of killing, I mean, it wasn't like tortured to death. It was just killed for consumption. And if you want to eat meat, this is how things are made. This is what it looks like. I'm all about knowing exactly and seeing exactly what happens with the death. You know, like, it's not changing my world.

I still love eating fucking meat. I love seeing the animal get destroyed. I mean, it's not like an unbelievably enjoyable situation to watch, but at the same time, if you're going to eat it, give the animal the courtesy of knowing that it went through a little bit of pain. But also, like, if you're raising an animal humanely, like, the rabbit didn't live in, like, a two-foot tiny fucking cage his entire life for mass consumption.

Like, it was just a farm animal that he has on his farm that he's raising all these animals, like, with space and farm, you know. What's wrong with these pussy kids, man? If it was like, oh, you know, Mr. Stevens is going to kill the rabbit today in class, it would have been the only day it was there all week. Yeah, man. I'd be like, oh, I'm definitely getting stoned and going to watch that. Who's bringing the whiskey? You know, I saw a video recently of a Chinese delicacy where they eat a fish that's still alive.

Oh, I've seen this. Would you do that? The heartbeat still. No, it's like moving around, man. It's like looking at you. Nah, that's Jackie's brother loves it. Henry loves that shit. Really?

I love it when he's called Jackie's brother. That's Jackie's brother right there. He loves that. He wants to still be wriggling and stuff. Yeah, he wants to see. He would eat that? He would do it? Oh, yeah. He wants, I mean, assumingly, that he would want to watch the life leave a fish's eyes

as he's eating it. Whoa. I don't know. I guess I don't have a problem with it necessarily, but it seems like. It's more so the texture. I feel like I want something wriggling around. Fresh. Yeah.

But I would kill something and eat it. Maybe if you put some Chipotle mustard on there or something. Chipotle mayo. Mayo, yeah. Excuse me. Chipotle mustard. there or something. Chipotle mayo. Excuse me. Chipotle mustard. I've helped to butcher a deer before with an axe.

Cool. Yeah. You got to take that fucker apart somehow. You got to get those legs off. Were you supposed to be doing that or you just randomly? I was. Yes, I was supposed to be doing that. You didn't like it though. Well, that time.

It's pretty nasty. I mean, it's gross shit. In Wisconsin during deer hunting season, everybody on the bumper of their car just has a huge deer. Their trucks are just covered in blood. I mean, it's a disgusting looking thing. Yeah. I mean, I've kind of lost my taste for it since, but at the time, I kind of enjoyed it. Wait, so you murdered a deer?

I didn't murder it myself. No, I got to it long after the bullet had stopped its heart. Interesting. Well, you're a better man after the bullet had stopped its heart. Interesting. Well, you're a better man. I just think if you're interested, you should learn. I've looked into taking a class to learn how to actually not kill the animal, but learn how to skin it and cut it apart, because I definitely would love to learn something like that.

But it's thousands of dollars to take a class like that. I think that it should be something that, if this is something that you want to eat, something that you want to. Easily attainable. That you should learn about. So, all right, Jackie. I'm mad about this. Well, he's not actually in trouble.

They're debating punishing this teacher. But he was just trying to do the best he possibly could. And he was a part-time teacher, they say. Oh, he's a part-time teacher? Yeah, he's a substitute teacher, a farmer. I'm going to say if the substitute teacher comes in and just starts killing animals, he might be a bit of a nutbag. That's what it was.

It was a farmer that was like, hey, can you fill in today? Like, fuck yeah, I can fill in. I'm going to show them kids something. You also don't know. Sometimes a fill-in teacher could be for someone on maternity leave that's a long time. Yeah, that could be. And he figures, how am I going to get these kids to pay leave that's a long time. Yeah. That's true. That could be. And he figures, how am I going to get these kids to pay attention?

I'm going to kill something. Kill a rabbit. Yeah. I mean, I feel like he did. The thing I just disliked the most is the intention behind it. This should just be like, you know, when the bell rings, I'm going to fucking kill this rabbit every single goddamn start of the class. So don't talk.

Yeah. Yeah. Or the rabbit's going to die. You know? And then fucking, oh, big fat Ben Kissel starts cracking jokes in the class. So don't talk. Or the rabbit's going to die. And then fucking big fat Ben Kissel starts cracking jokes in the back. Now the rabbit's dead. People are yelling at me. I'll be quiet. And by the end of the year he's just sitting on a pile

of dead rabbits. It's because of all of you. It wasn't me. It's because you guys made me do it. Now that guy should be in trouble. No, it's a good tactic. Yes, it is. It's a very good tactic.

And now it's time for a segment from Holden McNeely. Oh, no. Oh, oh. Ding, ding, ding, dong, ding. Martial arts style. That's the name of the segment? Ding, ding, dong, ding, ding, dong, ding. Ding, ding, dong, ding. Marcus is a multi-billion dollar owner of a dojo. That's the name of the segment.

Marcus is a multi-billion dollar owner of a dojo. And he needs us to come with an original martial arts style. People are done with taekwondo. They're done with karate. They're done with judo. They don't want to learn deningo or flying burger or any of those sorts of things. The flying burger was going to be mine. Well, it's done.

It's taken. And no one wants it. So my style, I'm going to be a little obvious, but it's for my holdenators. Screaming lizard. Screaming lizard. Yeah. A little obvious. Yeah.

No, you can't do screaming lizard. Why not? Yeah. It's for my naders, which is what I call them now. Okay, that's new. So what you do is you have good hiding skills. You come, and when you come at them, your sonar scream hits them. They don't know what's going on. Essentially you scream a decibel. It's the

brown note and then it's also the note that the brown. I've never heard of the brown note. It's apparently a note of music you can play that will make people shit their pants. And apparently it's a real thing and there have been tell of concerts where someone hit the brown note and everybody in the audience shit their pants.

Is that real Marcus? It's a hypothetical infrasonic frequency. Yes. Or it's a note you can hit to make someone lose their bowels so you can scream that note as you're coming at the person they shit your their pants and then you fucking lizard attack a man i mean what's lizard attack that's you have a tail you get an animatronic tail that you add on to your your system it fucking wraps around them, you know. It's a lot of choking techniques. It's a lot of fucking tongue techniques. That goes against the spirit of taekwondo

and jujitsu. You can't have a robotic tail. I don't know. We can make a lot of money selling those tails. Exactly. Big markup. What is the spirit of it? It's little people that are able to do things with their own physical body. Little people? Yeah.

Bruce Lee, you can knock me out in a heartbeat. But everyone would look at the side-by-sides and be like, oh, that big monster is going to beat that little fella. But then he'd win. That's the whole point. He took down Kareem Abdul-Jabbar. Oh, and that's rude. Kareem has never done anything to anybody. Why would he do that to Kareem?

He's great in the airplane. He's a great basketball player. And I love him. Shaq. Screaming lizard. Screaming lizard. I'm going to. Or Bill Cosby.

I'm going to have to bring in my buddy Bill to answer this. Bill, why don't you tell them about your technique? All right. Since you asked me so nicely, what I like to do is I like to become a really successful, clean, stand-up comedian. And then I like to gain women's trust. Then I invite them back to my hotel room, have a couple drinks.

When they're not looking, I put a little Spanish fly in one of the drinks and then hi-yah what's it called? what's the name of the technique? called getting Cosby well I don't think we can

teach that in dojos I can build Cosby. I can teach anything I want. I'm rich. I think we can teach it in dojos. I said it once, and I'll say it again. I'm bulletproof. That's great.

Getting Cosby. Getting Cosby. Getting Cosby. All right, the Cosby style. That's great. I'll do the Buffalo Juggalo. That's where you hit people with the random pieces of fat from your body or the loose skin that you might have acquired after you lost a lot of weight

due to the meth addiction that the ICP fan groups introduced you to. And you just smother people with the oddest part of your body. And, of course, you have random random pure scenes and things like that. You can put those in eyeballs. And then just overall, just annoy people to death with the terrible fashion sense and a bizarre face paint. Fantastic. That's actually a pretty good idea.

Yeah. The Buffalo Juggalo. Buffalo Juggalo. Jackie? I feel that maybe my answer is very similar to Kissel's, but I wanted to go with Daekwondo, which would definitely be lesbians fighting other people, but usually out of scaring other people, depending on where they are in the United States. Right.

So you'd have to really play on where, like if you're in the South, you could just kiss another woman. That would immediately scare somebody away. Sure, everyone's done. But if you're up here, I feel like it would be a lot harder to use daiquando to really defend yourself. So I would say probably like ball chain necklaces,

the use of playing Fiona Apple off of your phone, and the use of razors in Mohawks. And I think that's where I'm going with Daquando. Also usually using your tongue because that's, you know, pussy for pussies. Daquando. Daquando, Louie. Man, I don't know. I got, this is actually like one of my favorite comics jokes.

He got a joke about this so I'm just gonna quote him so just look him up he's funnier than me this is Robert Hawkins joke he's like when someone comes up to you and fuck you he's like I don't

I don't wanna fight them so he's just got a technique called that's okay dough and someone tries to fight him he's like nah man that's okay dough that joke just cracks me up

maybe you should've thought about that when the guy cut the pizza place and you would have a clean you would have clean glasses today. Man, I don't know why I decided. I mean, look at me. It's like, what do my friends say? It's like, I could use my words, which I actually am somewhat good at,

but instead I use my physical strength, which is my weakest. It's like, why don't you have a vision and hairline off? I don't know why I decided that this is what. Just a mistake. Just a mistake. Just a mistake. But anyway, that's okay, though. Robert Hawkins, look him up. He's funny as fuck.

That's okay, though. What are we doing, Marcus? You know, I think I'm going to go with Buffalo Juggalo. What? Buffalo Juggalo. A rare, a rare victory. I can make the insane clown posse. There's a lot of fat people in America.

That's right. There's a lot of Juggalos out there, and if we get an official established juggalo martial art, I think we got something. I agree. It's a big market, and the juggalos are great people, and sometimes they need to get into some violent confrontations and find a way out

of them. Oh, you use buffalo sauce, too. Oh, yeah. That we could just all drink it. I just want to step in the site. This is a bunch of bullshit. All right, Bill. Wow, he cursed. Whoa.

Yeah, I've never heard you curse. You're not supposed to. I don't respect you anymore, Bill. That's the worst thing you've ever done. Really? Really? I mean, all these allegations of rape and me saying one curse word is what sets you off? Yeah, I mean, grandfather.

Yeah, that's so. Man, the whole 80s has been shattered for me. That's fine. Kill him. Kill it all. Just make some Cosby sounds. He's back. He's back.

I totally forgot that he's born. Oh, it's forgiven. Oh, yeah. Rubble, rubble. All right, that's this week's roundtable. Thank you so much for being here, Louis Katz and Shaq Stanley and Bill Cosby, Jackie Zabrowski, Holden McNeely. Holden, there's him.

Marcus Parks, I'm Ben Kissel. Find us on Twitter. Anything to plug, Louis? Any shows coming up that you want people to go to? Same with you, Shaq. When is this coming up? This will be out tomorrow. Oh, tomorrow night is the two-year anniversary of my show at the Legion Bar, Sack Magic.

It's every Monday at 9 p.m. So if you're in Brooklyn or if you're outside of Brooklyn, anywhere in the Tri-State area, it's worth coming into. It's going to be a hot show. Kevin Barnett's going to be there. Nice. Shang Wang's going to be there. John Lasseter's going to be there.

It's a hot show. I'll do a tight five. I'm going to be on it.. Shang Wang's going to be there. John Lasseter's going to be there. It's a hot show. I'll do a tight five. I'm going to be on it. That's a great show. Sack matches is a great show. Shaq, anything? I do a weekly show at Leftfield every Monday. It's called Big Pony.

Is it at 9 p.m.? 8, 8.15-ish. So you can do both. Yeah, yeah. Just come through, hang out. I DJ. We've got some really funny comedians. So yeah, Big Pony show. Ooh, so you can do both. Yeah. You can do both. Yeah, yeah. Just come through, hang out. I DJ. We got some really funny comedians. So yeah, big money show.

I'll do a tight five. That's perfect. I'll be there too. All right, everyone. Thanks for listening. We'll talk to you soon. Good night. Good night.