The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 222: A Big To-Do

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

This week on Round Table: a boy in Russia develops magnetic powers after being shocked by a faulty lamp post, a man in Boston causes naked mayhem at Logan Airport, and a sex-crazed elephant kills his handler. Joining us today: Jim Tews and Steve Pasieka!

Hey everybody, just a quick update for you. The Roundtable, gentlemen, is now brought to you by Audible.com. Go to audibletrial.com slash roundtable for your 30-day free trial. Hell yeah, let's kick this pig, you fuckers! The Roundtable. Gentlemen! Hi! Let's broaden our minds! Lay on, gentlemen, and let them know what's what!

Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the day. What's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. His courting process is so disgusting. All right, that's good.

We'll start with that. Eddie, I think you're praying. No, I'm not praying. Marcus? Yes. The segment today is you're hosting Thanksgiving. We're already recording, so now the people know the segment. I am hosting Thanksgiving.

What is it? Well, I know, but you're hosting Thanksgiving. What would I do if my mother wasn't there? Where are you going to have dishes? Yeah, this is best case scenario because Mark is a multi-billion dollar host of holidays. We're not going to have a really great Thanksgiving until my mother's dead. Have a holly jolly Christmas. May the world belong to you. Merry Christmas, everybody.

One and all. Today's segment. Yeah, so they already know that's coming later in the show. You can look forward to that. Yeah. Are they going to hear that? Yeah, they're going to hear that because we already started the show because they said, let's start. Sing to God, Lord God, Jesus.

I love Holden's Thanksgiving carols. Sing to God, Lord God, Christ. And now Holden for the singing of the Thanksgiving carols. Can you water into wine? Make your spirit shine. It's Jesus. Walking on the water. Jesus.

I love the water. Jesus. It's not about Jesus. Bringing Christ to say thank you. He bled holes in his hands. Thanksgiving is about the pilgrims and how we genocided them and took all the Native Americans' lands. So remember that, everybody.

Don't fucking kill me a pilgrim, man. You'll kill you a pilgrim? I'd kill me a pilgrim, too. Thank you, faggot Jesus. Jesus. Pilgrim, take it easy. Good God. We started.

Steve is here. We already. Okay. Marcus, you have to pray before the show officially begins. Dear Native Americans. Good. Thank you for your land and your culture. You're not saying it right.

No. Oh, thank you for your land and your culture. No, he's not Native American. So funny when he does it. Then be a Native American thanking the white man for the casinos. Oh, you're one to talk, you white man. Oh, let's not go name calling. So white.

Jesus Christ. What's wrong with you? Amen. Welcome to. Jesus Christ. What's wrong with you? Ah, man. Welcome to the round table. Steve's here. Yep. I'm here. Dear Lord. Welcome to the round table of gentlemen,

everybody. Jackie's not here. Jim Toose is sitting in for her. Hey, guys and girls. Girl. I don't know who listens to this. A lot of chicks. Can you talk about your big pussy? Oh man, my pussy is so big. How big is it? I'm thankful for my big pussy. That's great, Jim. I want to thank

the ladies who have been sending me nice bosom pictures on my Facebook. Yeah, you've been getting lots of them. Where are these ladies located? Why do they like you? I think they're just trying to make their boyfriends mad. I don't know what's happening. That would definitely make them upset.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But then what are their boyfriends going to do? Come at me. I'll bonk you on your head. Oh, boy. This is going to be great. Yeah. I'm going to get fucking railed on.

Marcus's brother almost beat you up one time. Charlie would have kicked my ass. He's strong. No, Thomas almost beat you up one time. Charlie would have kicked my ass. He's strong. No, Thomas almost beat you up. Thomas did? Yeah, Thomas is the one that's got a bit of a nut against you. He's got a bit of a nut against me? Yeah, it's a Texas term for he's going to kick the shit out of you when he sees you.

Oh, I got a nut against you. I'm like, nut. Well, I put on my splash guard. Sounds like he's going to come all over me. All right. Just making it worse. Yep. Well, I'm sorry.

Yeah. Awesome. Hey, Thomas. Thank you so much for listening, buddy. You're a good guy. Thomas is a good guy. I love Thomas, and I hope he doesn't kick my ass later. And yeah, anyway.

Noah. Steve the Ogre Bitch is here. Oh, my God. I'm Ed Larson. Thank you, Ed. Holdenators, ho! That's the tagline for all my fans Now do the Holdinator

Take both your legs up Put her on your girlfriend Do the Holdinator Heroes in a half shell Holdinators You're sitting in for Kevin technically because you rap Oh yeah I do Kevin doesn't rap.

No, but, you know. He's black. Yeah. No, he raps. Kevin raps? Yeah, there was a whole thing on Friends of the People. Him and Steve had a rap battle on the show and Steve won. You were on the Friends of the People show on Steve TV?

Oh, wow. No. Jesus Christ. I am Holden and I can rap too. You, you, you, you, you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you Skulk the Hulkin. I'll tell you what, you could use his skin and make an entire garage out of it. That is funny. I like what he was saying there, Jim. That's right. Eddie followed it up with another true statement.

Holden mentioned how you could use Steve's skin to make a garage. And you get why that's funny because Steve's so fat. Jim twos, you twos, you lose. That's not... Steve's skin could be... You guys treat your guests very kindly I love Jim Toos He never gives me the Too soon

What Eddie you were going to say something About how fat Steve is Oh yeah his skin could be used as a Garbage truck t-shirt Oh I love that. Got the mustard stains on it and cigarette holes all over it. Too Soon has got to be the name of your comedy album.

Yeah, I'm going to do all super offensive jokes about stuff that just happened and shouldn't be spoken of. Oh, yeah. Check that out. Hashtag Too Soon. That's how I'm going to do it all. Oh, I love it. You know how edgy I am. You guys have seen me. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're one of the edgier comedians around. Always playing with knives and shit. Butter knives. Well, your whole tagline, bitches be raping. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, man. Well.

All right, Marcus, let's do a news story. A 350-pound Walmart shopper was arrested yesterday after he was found sitting atop five stolen ribeye steaks in the seat of a motorized scooter that he was riding around the South Carolina store. Was he in the store still? No, he left the store. Rodney Fowler, 43, was spotted Tuesday afternoon placing the steaks in his scooter by a Walmart loss prevention officer.

Cops noted... Oh, loss prevention officer? That's what they're called now? Not Walmart douche or fucking security asshole? Greeters. Greeters? That is a very heavy title for an extremely simple position. Yeah, LPOs.

LPOs. That's pathetic. Suspect sat on the stakes and exited the store, passing all points of sale without attempting to pay for said merchandise. The 5'5 Fowler was then confronted by the Walmart worker and escorted back into the store. Why did they put his height in? He's on a wheelchair.

I don't know. It's a fun little fact. 5'5. He's 5'5, 350. That's fucking weird. He could have rolled out. That's fucking weird. He could have rolled out. That's a big boy.

Yeah, that's a real big boy. Yep, he was later arrested by police for shoplifting. Due to his size, the suspect was cuffed using two pairs of handcuffs. Well, I'm happy they got him off the streets. Yeah. Thank God. I'm sure those steaks smelled like ass. You think he was cooking them that way? Yeah, right?

Do they put those back in the freezer section or do they just throw them away? Not in the police report, but I would assume they throw them away. So then just let them have them at the end of the day. That's not the way capitalism works, my friend. You gotta set a lesson. This guy needs to go to jail.

You gotta set him and you put him in jail. What are you in jail for? Rape? Murder? What are you in jail for? Rape, murder. What are you in jail for? Warming meat. Fucking ass. I stole steaks from Walmart. I'm sure there's enough steaks at Walmart to go around. If he's anywhere close to Steve's size, he wouldn't even fit the damn cell.

God, that is so fucking funny. I love that. When did this become a thing? I don't even know. I don't even know. It did this become a thing? I don't even know. I don't even know. It's never been a thing. Always Kissel and Ed were the fat guys. You're massive.

But now I haven't seen you guys in a little bit, and I'm the fat guy. I'm catching up to you, bud. I'm the tall guy. I'm catching up. Eddie's still the fat guy, too. I'm okay with it. They've passed the crueler. Yeah.

I used to be way bigger, so I'm cool with it. Yeah, I don't think it's a fat thing as much as just an enormous thing. Yeah, you're very large, man. But this one is a fucking monster. I know, I know, but we see him every week, so we're not scared of him anymore. I see, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like Sasquatch. I understand. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. It's like Sasquatch. Yeah, if you'd see Sasquatch in a week, then it would just be an animal. Hey, how's it going? Just me being the Sasquatch over here. You want to get some chicken fingers? Oh, you're leaving? All right. Well, a power wash inside your house for you.

Sasquatch, I'm going to take a vacay if you don't mind. Go back in the forest. You know, scare tourists, you know, campers and the like. Your face is red as a tomato right now. I'm getting in character, man. Working on my big Broadway show. Yeah, what's it gonna be called? Holden, he's got the goods.

Oh, that's gonna be huge. Is it a one-man show where you do all the characters and Sasquatch is one of them? Exactly. I've been told I've got a lot of silly-ass characters under my belt, but I don't know if it's true. Oh, I'm the Sasquatch.

I'm taking this right now. You're going to get away. You're going to get away. That is fun. Man, people are going to stop listening to the show soon. The numbers have been going down for quite a while now, actually, which is kind of funny. No, that was funny, though,

what you said about how Steve couldn't fit in the cell. He's too fat. Oh, he had to get a bigger electric chair. Yeah, why? Because he can't. Just get jumper cables and sponges. We'll put them in a puddle. That would be a great Dodge Ram commercial.

This guy's fucking going crazy on the gas and then follow the battery. All the Steve getting electrocuted. Dodge Ram. Fucking strong enough to electrocute fat Steve. See, I never called him fat. You watched it? I never actually said he was fat. You called him fat.

That's rude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's true. You took it too far, man. Well, I'm sorry, Steve. Too soon. I'm sorry. Ben K it too far, man. Well, I'm sorry, Steve. Too soon. I'm sorry. Ben Kissel's not human.

I mean, I don't expect any normal conversation out of him. Kissel, say three nice things about Steve. I'm not usually tongue-tied. Steve, I think that you are very comfortable in the clothes that you are wearing. Steve, I think that you are very comfortable in the clothes that you are wearing. You're a wonderful girlfriend, future wife. She's wonderful. And I think that you're, gosh, you're just looking, you're looking, you're mentally,

looks like you're good at video games. I have no idea. That's two. That was three. He's got a nice wife, a girlfriend. Oh, okay. Yeah, that's,

I don't know how that happened. Yeah, yeah. Anyway, I'm still looking. What happened? You just insulted him. Marcus, so what happened with the guy with the meat? He's in jail?

He only spent three hours in police custody. Thank God. Leave him alone. They released him without bond. They just said, get on out, scoot on out, fatty.

Scoot on out, fatty. Go breathe somewhere else. Can I get one of the steaks? Catch me, copper. Here's a picture of the man's mugshot right here. Give this guy some steaks. He's just a big fella who's trying

to make it. Why don't we just get this guy out of here? Good God. This was Texas? This was South Carolina. South Carolina. No, his mugshot, he deeply regrets his decision. Looks like it was a spur-of-the-moment thing.

I think so, at least. Spur-of-the-moment. Fuck it. Let's get some steaks. I forgot my wallet at home. I don't feel like going all the way back and getting it. Of course not. Yeah, because a trip like that's going to take a lot out of that guy. Absolutely. Yeah. I don't know. What's the way better getting it worse not yeah because a trip like that's gonna take a lot out of

That guy absolutely yeah, I don't know what the what's the average speed for a scooter? Do they get going in the double digits at all no? 50 there was somebody who must have rigged their machine he was she was an elderly when she was booking it down 14th Street today Oh, yeah, I think she was going at least 15 miles an hour at school. Yeah, it was pretty cool, but it seemed illegal Yeah, it was pretty pretty intense. Yeah be fun. That's cool. Yeah, it was pretty cool, but it seemed illegal. Yeah. It was pretty intense. Yeah, it'd be fun to rig one of those fuckers up. I saw a viral video where they put a gas engine on one of those jazzies, and then they had a guy dress like an old man,

and he was just, like, fucking dust past people in parts. Oh, so fun. I would love to eat myself into a chair. Wow, check out this guy. He modified a motorized mobility scooter to go 70 miles an hour. Holy Christ. Pretty impressive. Yeah, he's English.

He spent nearly three months and 800 bucks converting the machine, which has a powerful 125cc motorbike engine hidden under the seat, five gears, and ten exhausts.cc motorbike engine hidden under the seat, five gears, and ten exhausts. Very exciting. It's impressive. Ten miles to the gallon. 71.59 miles an hour. Look at that.

And it's almost nine times faster than the average mobility scooter, which would put the average mobility scooter at six, seven miles an hour, maybe eight. Which is fast enough for me. Yeah. Yeah. Huh. Kind of exciting. Is it?

I don't know. I have no idea. I haven't thought about mobility scooters in a while. But man, that is a fun thing to think about. And it's a great thing to talk about on a podcast. My grandfather used to have one. He used to bring it to my, he used to ride it like two miles to my Little League games because he was obnoxious.

My mom stopped picking him up after a while. Really? Yeah. But he still wanted to come see the games and shit. He out-annoyed your mom. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's amazing. Because he used to always curse at the kids while they were up at the bench.

Oh, I love that. Like, swing! Swing, you idiot! You know, you see he'd call them names and shit. But then he used to plug in his scooter down at the field lights. And so he'd always like, whenever I'd be out in the outfield, he'd be yelling at me while I was playing. Underneath the lights all by himself with the scooter.

Oh, my God. What did he say to you? Oh, I don't know. Just like, you know, I'm not good enough. Eddie, you are good enough. Look at you now. Look at you now, Eddie. I can't believe you're not a miserable piece of shit.

All the stories you tell, it's just like, why are you not just... I think that's a nice story. That's why. That's why. Exactly. The whole Stockholm Syndrome going on. Some mule kicked him in the head to make him think that everything's good. That's a treasured memory.

Yeah, it's nice. You ain't good enough, Eddie. Remember when Grandpa used to tell us we were pieces of shit? Oh, you mean Grandpa that ate himself out of mobility that had to plug in his fucking scooter by the goddamn lights? Damn, so funny. Oh, he was. What did your grandpa do? He was a saxophone player.

Oh. Yeah. Made a living doing that? Oh, yeah. He put out a couple albums. He played with Phyllis Diller on an album. Really? Oh, yeah. What was his name? Herb Larson. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My grandfather's name was Herb. Oh, yeah.

Swear to God. Yeah. Got a cancer. He did. Sax Appeal was the name of his album. What? Actually, when you type in Herb Larson in sax, Google auto-completes it to sax appeal. Hell yeah. The cover is just a picture of his lips.

You got a real showbiz family. Marcus, can we listen to a YouTube or anything like that? Here's a copy of the record right here. That's it, man. That's your grandpa. He's got good lips. Do you have the record? No, I don't. We can buy it for three bucks, dude. Let's buy it. He's got good lips. Do you have the record? No, I don't.

We can buy it for three bucks, dude. Let's buy it. I put it in my buck. All right. What if it's just an album of him yelling about Ed? My grandson. It's called He's Fat and Dumb, Not Good Enough. With a couple sax licks in between.

Fuck Ed. He also owned a catering hall. Awesome. Herb Larson. Check him out. Google him and listen to some of the sweetest saxophone sounds around. He's going to have to order the record. Nothing out there exists. No streaming. There's stuff on YouTube a little bit.

My grandfather was a Golden Gloves boxing champion, which is why I don't understand why I am me. Maybe the abuse that he took in the ring skipped to two generations. I got one grandfather who was a Golden Gloves boxing champion.

The other grandfather fought in the Battle of the Bulge and survived. He's a real man. My grandfather was a real man. My other grandfather was a real man. Right. Yeah. My grandfather was a real man. My other grandfather was a real man. I mean, yeah. Real Nazi men. No.

No. My one grandfather fought in the Korean War. Oh, yeah? Yeah. The Forgotten War. I had a Korean War vet grandfather. No one cared about it. No.

He was a Korean War vet, and then he came back, and he just worked at Bethlehem Steel until he retired. And then he was a bartender at the VFW, and he had three DUIs post-retirement. If you can't drive drunk after you've served this country, then this country doesn't deserve to be served. Yeah, I think that was his standard. He's right. He would just drive home real fast. He only lived like five miles from where he'd taken part. He went to safe route. He wasn't ready would just drive home real fast He only lived like He only lived like Five miles From where he

He went to safe route He wasn't ready To get into home And he was what Army Marines Marine And how did he feel About you joining the Coast Guard

He wasn't alive to see it Oh okay Thank God Yeah He probably cried In heaven Yeah I think that's what that Tears in Heaven

song is all about. Grandfathers being very disappointed that they're gay grandsons. Not everyone who joins the Coast Guard is gay. I'm not jovial, happy. That's the Navy. The Navy is gay? Yeah, the Coast Guard is just lazy. Yeah, the Coast Guard is lazy.

I thought Army... What's the... The most masculine is your seal. The Marines. Marines. Well, I mean's the most masculine is your seal? The Marines. Marines. Well, I mean, the most special force. Yeah. Marines would be the most. Marines.

Ballsy masculine. Marines, Army, Navy, Air Force, Coast Guard. Oh, man. Coast Guard. Coast Guard's up there. What's going on? Nobody knows anything. They have to fight pirates and stuff.

Yeah, we have boot camp. It's supposed to be the second most difficult. Is it really? Yeah. Really? Yeah. But is it, though? It's supposed to be.

I don't know. I only went through one. I went through Coast Guard boot camp, so I know that I can compare it to. And they screamed at you a bunch. Yeah. How many push-ups did you do? Oh, my God. I got in so much trouble there because I was such an idiot.

Why? I got... Well, I... Was the drill sergeant in a wheelchair? No. God damn it, twos! I got, well, I. Was the drill sergeant in a wheelchair?

No. God damn it, twos. I got in trouble because I, so you weren't supposed to keep letters in your backpack, right? Where are you supposed to put them? In your, you're supposed to leave all your notebooks and your shit in your locker. Where do you put your numbers? Yeah, they get them all wrong. Oh, man. So what are you supposed to put in your backpack?

So just whatever. Shit, a human thesis? Yeah, whatever you're supposed to carry with you. So I left a notebook in my backpack, and they did a random inspection. They find this letter that I wrote back to one of my friends where I was just being very, like, just embellishing and just saying how terrible everybody was or how mean everybody was, and they read it out loud.

Oh, no. You were passing a letter in class. Basically. Oh, no. Yeah, And then they sent me to Did you get beat by locks? No they sent me to this thing called The performance enhancement platoon Where they send you to another

Like another barracks It's like the short bus of platoons Yeah it sounds like Where the Mormons send gays or something And they make you wear these orange belts when you walk around the base so that all the other drill instructors know that you fucked up real bad. Or know that you're a fucking superhero. It seems pretty awesome.

And they made you wake up an hour before everybody else and go to bed an hour later. Oh, my God. What's the logic of that? They would take you to other barracks with other recruits and make you just march around and they would warn everybody that if you fuck up you're gonna be here for three days. Jesus. Yeah, and there was like ten people in that group and like three drill instructors. So they were just watching you like hawks for three days.

They were just grilling you and then once you got out of there then you're back with your regular what was the hardest thing you had to do uh like physically yeah just running it was a lot of running and with full gear on right no there's no gear but you're just like running six miles boat yeah I was I was a lot too, but the swimming wasn't I was a good swimmer. The swimming didn't bother me. And it's not like crazy distances. I would double up on the swimming, less running. Well, that's what I thought too, but I don't know.

Yeah, but sometimes you gotta run to the boat. Yeah. Most of the time you're on a boat. Yeah, but you're not always on the boat. You're not swimming to catch people transporting drugs. Yeah, you're're not swimming to catch people transporting drugs or Yeah, you're just getting mermaids when you swim.

Yeah, if you're, right. You're just fucking a lot of mermaids and hanging out. That's crazy. Where's the pussy hole on a mermaid? Wherever you want it to be. Back to the head. Oh man, you're in my world right now, man.

That's right. Make sure you have your watermelon scooper. Your fish scaler. Yeah, you got to clear a path. Oh, man. I bet that hurts. Them, yeah. Yeah, definitely hurts a mermaid.

Let's see. So this guy got arrested, but now he's out. He doesn't have the meat, so there's someone at Walmart eating his ass meat. Yes. All right. Let's go to Mother Russia for our next story. Ah, yes. Ah, yes.

Mother Russia. Mother Russia. There you go. You're doing great. Hold it. This is one of his worst episodes. A Russian 12-year-old may become the first real-life X-Men hero after an electric shock apparently magnetized his body.

Wow. Wow. Yeah. That's fucking awesome. Nikolai Kregelincho, 12, said he leaned on a lamppost with faulty wiring on his way home from school one day. Fucking Russia. And the resulting electric shock turned him into a living magnet that attracts metal objects. He's going to die in the worst fucking way. Russian officials were like, should we?

Passing by train, I mean. Jesus Christ, you're dead. How is he not dead already? That's like powder. That's what happened to powder. Walks into a knife store. Yikes. And here is

a picture of him. He's so fat. Oh my god. He's covered in spoons. That's how ironic. You can tell he doesn't want to take the picture and his parents are making him. We get the five dollars

for a picture. Fucking do it. Oh my god. Do cupcakes fly at him, too? Oh, my goodness. I'm sorry, kid. Oh, he's got YouTube videos. Yeah, we got YouTube video here. Here he is wearing a suit on camera.

He's a fat little shit. It's just a school trick. He's got the cool thing. Oh, but he's got a nickel on his forehead. He's got a nickel on his forehead. Now he's getting ladles on his tits. Are you looking at this fat kid? This is really funny

Marcus please post yeah, I'm definitely Well, she's just able to hang it on her no He's able to hang it on her chest when you're fat like that, you have skin rolls and folds. Get the spoons off the boy. Look, he's happy. He's miserable. Although the coins do go

against the hypothesis that he is magnetized because coins, at least here in America, do not react to magnets. That's true. What about Russian coins? I don't know. They might be.

There's a fucking tin out there. Oh. Yep, stories of human magnets stretch back to the 19th century with one woman being recorded in 1990 supporting 15 pounds of weight with her palm held vertically. However, some scientists have said stories of human magnetism can be attributed to nothing more than unusually sticky skin.

Or double-sided tape. Could be that. Unusually sticky skin, huh? Sticky skin holding up 15 pounds. That's a little ridiculous. Your skin's just gross. You're made of flypaper.

Kind of fun just to jump on any wall, though And kind of hang out on it Oh, yeah I definitely had some sticky skin when I was younger Yeah, what happened to it? Oh, I had to shave it off Yeah, I got one of those carrot slicers

Get your second coat in Exfoliation Yeah, yeah, exfoliation Perma ooze coming off of that fucking chair over there Pretty cool fucking superpower, though. Magnetism for this poor little fat kid. Yep. The boy told Omsk TV and Radio Company, when I woke up the next day.

Yeah. They still. Omsk. Omsk. The Omsk TV and Radio Company. Rolls right off the tongue. Russia. Yeah.

When I woke up the next day and got out of bed, I found some coins that had been lying on the mattress had stuck to my body. and got out of bed, I found some coins that had been lying on the mattress had stuck to my body. Then, when I was having breakfast and dropped my spoon,

it stuck to my chest. Well, What? In that case, I have a magnetic, you know, situation going on with pretzels.

Because I have woken up many a day with a pretzel on my back. Yep, he said, I can do things I couldn't do before, but I don't have a lot of control over it. Even when I do

not want to do it, I still attract things. Once I even attracted a glass, it just moved towards me. Cool. A glass? That sign has no metal in it. I know. That's what he's saying. It's fucking weird. Telekinesis. Yeah. Some sort of telekinesis here, possibly. Fat Russia glasses

are made of metal. Could be. Alright, very cool. Eddie, what do you think? What superpower do you want? You can't have this one. I can't have magnets? No, not anymore. I don't want that anyway. Yeah, exactly. I don't know. I want to do fire out of my eyes. Fire out of your eyes?

Nah. That seems a little much. What's that? That seems a little much. It would be cool, though. I guess so. Yeah. I guess guns out of my fingers. Ooh. Finger guns.

Finger guns. Ten little guns. Do you have to load them? Ten little guns. Do you have to load them, or are they just... Oh, it's bones. Oh. Oh, shoot.

Bone bullets. Yeah, yeah, yeah. See, bone bullets changes the whole thing. Like adamantium. Yeah. Whatever the fuck Wolverine's got. Mm-hmm. But it's like a bee. You know, once you use your power, yeah, yeah. See, bone bullets changes the whole thing. Like adamantium, whatever the fuck Wolverine's got. It's like a bee, you know, once you use your power, you're dead. Oh, shit. Well, I could if I had to.

Yep. I feel like I want a nose that shoots sausages out of it. And I can always eat. I just put my hands under my nose and just shoot a sausage onto it. Would it be cooked? Yeah. I mean be cooked? Yeah. I mean, I guess so. The body is, what, 98.8 degrees?

That could cook a sausage. That's hot enough. No, man. Ovens are like 300 degrees. At least. The inside of my body is really hot. You don't put a hot dog in the oven. Hot dogs are pre-cooked anyway.

You're fine. You can eat them raw. Well, the ones coming out of his nose might not be pre-cooked my commie loads or string cheese Oh, so if I want to get it I get it get a fun Oh, when if I want to get some cheese on my eat your own come I don't care if it's cheese There was a guy that I knew in college that loved to get snowballed. Is that what that's called? Yeah, when you when you come in a chick's mouth and then he would demand that it be spit back in Yeah, yeah makes it out with you and puts the cum back in your mouth.

He was one of those really cool kids that everybody loved. And as soon as I found out that story, I knew it was all bullshit. So what, you won't kiss a girl after she blows you? I'll kiss her. I'm not going to have her fucking redistribute the wealth. Yeah. Yeah. No way.

Steve, how much do you weigh? Probably like 270, right? I'm 265. See, we're about the same. But you're a little taller. Wait, 6'4"? You're five pounds heavier. I'm 265.

You are? We're the same. Cool, 145 over here. That's great. I age backwards. All right, so this kid's fine. I age backwards. All right. So, yeah. So this kid's fine. A bunch of spoons are attached. Yeah, he's fine. Yeah, but when he got shocked by the

lamppost, it shocked him so much that he was blasted across the street. Jesus. But he woke up and walked home and his mom said, ah, you're fine. Just go to bed. And when he woke up the next morning, he had magnetism. This is why the Russians are currently kind of winning in a weird way. It's true.

They don't care. Are they winning? Yeah. What did they do? They invaded or something. They got the Ukraine. They're all scared because, yeah, they're creating a bunch of magnetized fat kids over there now with faulty wiring. It's Putin's big plan.

Don't fix the lamppost. We're going to make superheroes out of them. It's possible. Putin just put Don't fix the lamppost. We're going to make superheroes out of him. It's possible. Putin just put his jacket over the Chinese prime minister. The prime minister's wife. Oh, it was the prime minister. Yeah, there's no... He was flirting with her.

Yeah, they were very upset. He'd take his shirt off. He takes his jacket off, and it's all one piece with his shirt. Oh, my goodness. All right, Marcus. She's not that cute. No, she's not that cute. She's an elderly fucking politician's wife.

I know, but it's, you know, something about a woman with power. Do you think she snowballs? You want to throw it in her? I don't. I bet she does really weird shit. I mean, they're just happy to get any kind of food they can in China. China is actually fairly well fed. I heard Chinamen have like a dog's penis.

Like a little red penis that pops out. No, Chinamen, you can't do that anymore. I think the big Lebowski talked about it. Chinino, I think that's fine. I've never heard that before. They have like dog's penis. China Connors, yeah. Men from China have dog's penis? Yeah, yeah, it pops out.

Yeah, in a furry before, unless they're excited. Right. Huh. Little Yeah, yeah. It pops out. Yeah, in a furry before unless they're excited. Right. Huh. Little hairs, though. It's a weird thing. Well, I have nothing to prove you're wrong. No, you were right. Yeah.

I don't know. Does anybody know a Chinese dude? We know. We have a bunch of Chinese friends. Do we? Yeah, I do. Jamal and Kwan. Yeah.

Name one. Shang. Two. Is Shang Chinese? Yeah. I like Shang. Shang. No, of course.

I could go on and on. But we don't have ten. We absolutely can't. Besides Shang, who else? What are the Chinese people? I don't know 10. We can't. We absolutely can't. Besides Shang, who else? What are the Chinese people? I don't know any. There's Allie. Who's that?

And there is... I had a bunch of mung... Allie's not... She's not Chinese. She's Vietnamese. Yeah, she's Vietnamese. We're thinking about a different Allie. And they like to eat the bird eggs.

Yeah. Like, that are not... That are past yeah, they're like the birds kind of in the egg. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Fertilized bird eggs. Can you pull a picture of that up? I don't think that that's that bad. What is that called? It's gonna make you throw up.

No, I don't think it's that gross. I'm with Kissel. Who cares? I would never be able to eat it. Is it cooked? It's got like feathers on it and stuff. Yeah, but it's baby feathers. It's all purple veins and shit. Yeah, but it just goes right down. I mean, the bones are soft.

I think it's fine. Whatever. Out of all the things that we eat, I don't think this is the most disgusting. I think that is. I agree. I'm weird with eggs. All right. I will freely admit that.

You're weird with eggs? Yeah, you can only have eggs certain ways. Well, because that's how your young are born. Yeah, exactly. Hey, that's egglets. All right. Yeah, exactly. Hey, that's egglets. Weird with eggs. Larvi. Oh, okay. Larvi. Marcus, can you believe

fucking Lumpy Holden's weird with eggs? Yeah, I'm a little weird with eggs. Yeah, why are you weird with eggs? I don't like them certain ways. I don't like when the yolk's hard. What is wrong with you? You don't like hard-boiled eggs? What do you mean? That's what I said. I'm like, what are you talking about?

They affect me. I don't know. They're weird. I like scrambled eggs. I like fried eggs. Easy. Easy. Over easy.

And I like soft-boiled eggs. I like when the yolk is wet and I can mop it up with my toast. I don't like a hard... Oh, I dig it. I'm like... Mop it up with your toast. I like to mop it up with the toast, but I don't like when the yolk is hard. I want to throw up.

So, in other words, you just don't like hard-boiled eggs. And, by the way, they smell like a poopy. They don't smell like a poopy. They smell like a fart. They smell like a fart. And an egg hard-boiled or over hard, what do you call it? Over easy. Not over easy, though.

When the yolk is hard in the fried egg. Over hard? Is that over hard? Yeah. I've never heard of over hard. Sunny side up? I hate it. Sunny side up, yeah. I over easy, though. When the yolk is hard in the Friday. Over hard? Is that over hard? Yeah. I've never heard of over hard. Sunny side up? I hate it. Sunny side up, yeah, I'm all about it.

Oh, boo fucking who? Well, I'm just saying. I'm weird about eggs. I just think it's ridiculous. The listeners fucking are dying to know this shit. I know, but of all the things that you're weird about, eggs, it seems bizarre. Oh, I'm weird about a bunch of shit, dude. Yeah, yeah.

I'm weird about Standing in lines Yeah what do you do in those Screams and fucking kicks Just kicks and jumps Try to turn into a circle Turn the line into a circle Never ending line I like to consider myself a bit of a warlock

Yeah On a fucking good day. But, like, yeah, but you got to do stuff. I mean, like, warlocks change the surroundings that they're sitting in. Turn my dookies into stones. And you can wish with them. Mark, I want to go home. When do we leave it?

When do we get to go home? It doesn't matter. All right, Marcus, another news story. A Boston man faces a laundry list of charges that he allegedly stripped naked, climbed into the ceiling of a woman's bathroom, fell onto the floor, and assaulted an elderly man at Boston's Logan Airport. Oh, my. Wait, did you say he crawled into the woman's bathroom and assaulted an elderly man?

Let me elaborate. Okay. Massachusetts State Police said Cameron Schenck, 26, walked into a Terminal C women's bathroom, removed his clothes, and climbed into the drop ceiling just before 12 p.m. on Saturday. Schenck then fell through the ceiling back onto the floor, suffering cuts to his head and body, and ran from the bathroom naked and bleeding. After leaving the bathroom, Shank allegedly assaulted and seriously injured an 84-year-old man biting his ear.

The elderly man was transported to an area hospital with injuries that police said are non-life-threatening. Everything is life-threatening to an 85-year-old dude. Yes, seriously. A 84-year-old guy, whatever it might be. The cold weather is life-threatening to an 85-year-old dude. Yes. A four-year-old guy, whatever it might be. The cold weather is life-threatening to an 85-year-old. I've been there, man. I see where this guy's coming from.

You've been naked? In his ceiling, yeah. Did he have a light canceled or something? I want to know what triggered this. Don't you have to go past security? He had to have had a ticket to go somewhere. Unless he was outside of security. So does he have a bathroom fetish?

Is that the situation? He was up there beaten off? Completely naked. Sounds like one of those bath salts stories. He got through security. How does the security team be like, that guy looks like he's about to take all of his clothes off and go climbing up in the ceiling there of the bathroom.

He had a good poker face. No can do. No fly face. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Get her up into the ceiling. Get him out of there. Yep, get him out of here. Put him on the no fly bathroom. He had a good poker face. No can do. No fly face. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Get her up into the ceiling. Get him out of there. Yep, get him out of here. Put him on the no-fly list.

He's a nudie. I can tell. He'd probably like to just, like, you know, rub around in fiberglass or something. What about the wall? Isn't the wall not supposed to drop the people who are on top of it? Or, like, the ceiling?

It's like the ceilings we have right here in this room. Yeah. It's a drop ceiling. You can go right through that. I see. With the styrofoam or whatever. Right, right. These don't support much.

Yeah, that's why I fell down. What a fucking dummy. Yeah. I guess it's super illegal, huh? He's being charged with attempted murder, assault, and battery on a person over 60. Whoa, is that a different crime now? In Massachusetts, it is. So over 60 is a special group of people now?

Before, it was just coffee. First of all... McDonald's was giving you 25 cents off coffee. It should be 65, because that's what a senior citizen is. So if it's before a senior citizen, if they're getting a special treatment for this, why can't they get Social Security?

So it's a hate crime to punch somebody who's 60 in a week? It's a kind of a hate crime, yeah. Jesus, these laws are insane. Fuck old people, man. I mean, I'm just saying, the strongest people I've ever met are about 70 years old. You know those guys

who were like, shake my hand, and then you shake their hand, and they're like, no, shake it! Because you didn't realize it was going to be an aggressive affair. You were just going for the court, they're going to shake it like a man. Grandfather war veterans. Those are the guys. What kind of strength is that? Just old man strength. They're not muscular

looking. My granddad had it. Yeah. All old people have it. I would never fuck with anybody over 60. Don't do it. My grandfather could walk on his hands. Really? Yeah, when he was in his 70s. Well, he sort of could. So my dad tells me, we're driving to my grandfather's house.

Did he have no feet? No, no, no. He was fine. This is the Marine. Oh. Okay. So we're driving to my grandfather's house. My dad says to me, you know, your grandpa can walk on his hands.

And I'm like, oh, that's crazy. I'm like a little kid. And he's like, yeah, you should ask him to do it when we're over there. So we get to the house. He just took out a life insurance policy. So hopefully he's lucky. I was like, like grandpa dad said you could walk on your hands he's like that's bullshit and then my dad just goes oh come on

what are you too old he just goads him into it and he goes my grandfather's like oh fuck you and he gets up out of his chair and he gets up on on his hands and he takes about three steps across the living room on his hands, and then falls back down and then gets up and sits back in the chair and smokes a cigarette. He's just like, I knew I could still do it. That's amazing. Love it. My grandfather was, like, really sneaky, right?

He was really good at, like, getting into my room, like, late at night. Nobody would know about it, right? For extra hugs. He'd be like, I'm stealing some hugs. Giving you some bugs. Super good. He would have been the best thief. He was like a cat burglar. It sounds like he stole something from you.

Yes. Innocence, virginity. He was the sneakiest. Was he ever charged with being sneaky? No. He got away with every bad thing he did. He was so sneaky, nobody else in the family knew how sneaky he was. Nobody knew.

I called him the snake. The snake that haunts me at night. Huh. It's nice. How do you sleep? He doesn't. That's the major problem. I don't.

Yeah, what do you do instead of sleep? Oh, I sing to my girlfriend. Really loud. What songs? I just sing her songs. Oh, I sing to my girlfriend really loud. What songs? Singer songs. Oh, May, she was a pretty ass fucking horse of a bitch. You know, stuff like that.

Old folk songs. I love that song. Skin the boy! Bring him home! Skin the boy! Bring him home. Over and over again. That's a standard That is a great one Jim's not the same color as us

So stay away Stay away You know Right He is Jim Tuzas Oh Jim is Yeah It's a different Jim

I mean this is Oh different Jim He's talking about Jim Brown Yeah Yeah Running back Who's he? Oh great

One of the best Yeah One of Ben's Chinese friends. Yeah. Yeah. One of Ben's Chinonings. I have many friends of all different races, religions, creeds, and sexual orientations. Do you have a Chinese in your life, Steve?

Um. No. No. No. Jim? Jim, you got one? Chinaman? Shang Wang is my Chinese friend. I mean, not Chinaman. You know what I mean. No. No. Jim? Jim, you got one? Chinaman? Shang Wang is my Chinese name.

I mean, not Chinaman. You know what I mean. No. It shouldn't be a slur. It's not dumb. It's not a slur. I'm an American man. Like, what is that?

It's a slur. No, it's not. People get super offended if you say Chinaman. Yeah. What the fuck am I supposed to say? It has a connotation of, like, the people that came over in, like, the gold rush and were just like shitty railroad laborers yeah there's like oh the the chinaman will do it yeah throw the chinaman in

the pit yeah i just i love it that it always looks like they need glasses well the irish don't get upset when you call them the irish yeah irishman yeah you can say Irishman Scotsman The dumb Irish Yeah You can call them The drunk Irish Yeah they don't give a They're wasted

They don't care Yeah they're hammered They're sleeping They're beating their wives They don't listen to you Call them Irish Just go fail at Putting out a fire Irishman

Yeah I don't try to put out the fire By putting more fire on it And the fire got bigger I love the Irish. I watched an episode of some old TV show that was on Hulu, some black and white. It was called, like, People Are Strange,

or one of those old TV shows. And they bring people in from the audience, and they have them participate in some game. So this guy comes up, and the host asks him, like, what nationality is. He's got a little bit of an accent. And he goes, I'm Irish. And the host goes, let me smell your breath. And everybody just fucking loses it.

Like, you could even do that today. Simpler times. Yeah, even the guy was just like, oh, we are drugs. That's right. There are good people. Simpler times. Big asses on their women. Oh, they're beautiful women.

I love an Irish woman. Oh, they're beautiful women. I love an Irish woman. I'm looking for love. I thought you had a lady. Always looking for love. No, no. But if you're Irish, let me know. Are you part Irish?

No, I'm all German and whatever my mom is. I'm Scotch-Irish. You never asked? She So you have no clue. You never asked? He doesn't care about that shit. She doesn't have an answer. Oh, you know, I'm a Christian. So I'm German and Christian.

That's all I know. German Christian. Sounds like an Irish woman to me. She has red hair. She might be. How's her ass? Oh, God, you should. Man, God, I love it. We should fuck. Has her ass. Oh, God. You should. Man.

God, I love it. We should fuck it? I would. Yeah, dude. My mom's ass is so big. How big is it? It's fatter than Steve is fat. Jesus Christ.

Well, see, I just don't think that's nice. Yeah. I think Steve's not fat. No, you're not fat, Steve. I apologize. It's fine. My mom's ass is great, actually. It was one of her biggest, one of her better qualities.

Steve kind of looks like a Sesame Street character. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. God, my mom. Let's move on to another news story.

That's good. Yeah, what's she packing? Jesus Christ, my aunt's banging hot. How big's her fucking hot tits? Her tits are huge. Okay. Her ass is perfect. Her face is superb.

And she's very funny and very smart. Steve, who's the hottest fucking bitch in your family? Aunt Gerhold for the Kissel family. I'm going to have to go with Grandma Boucher. Whoa. She lived through the Holocaust. I mean, she's a bad bitch. Oh, shit.

And she's smoking? This was in Poland? Oh, yeah. Whoa. She was a Jewish? No. No, no, no. No.

Gypsy. Hitler would take anybody who wasn't the Aryan race. Yeah. No, I mean, the Polish people loved when the, they were like all about the fucking camps and shit. Oh, no, no. No, no, no the Polish people loved when the, they were like all about the fucking camps and shit. Oh, no, no. No, no, no. The Polish people?

No. I saw a different documentary than you guys did. You did. It was one. They locked up my Polish Catholic. Yeah. They did? Yeah.

Yeah. Huh. Yeah. Yeah, they weren't. We weren't a big fan. We weren't big fans. No, the Poles didn't. Hitler's view was really narrow.

Yeah. So narrow, in fact, that it excluded him. I know. I know. So why did... I still, to this day, don't get why he was so friendly with the Japs. Yeah. Japanese.

Yeah. No, you're talking about before the bomb at their Japs. All right. You know what else I wondered, though, is how did the Germans get off so quickly? Like, I feel like we still hate Cubans because of Castro. That's over. But, like, that's so over. But, no, we still have a ton of...

Cubans aren't thieves. It's all because of East Germany-West Germany relations in which the United States had to side with West Germany in order to put one up on the Russians. So, therefore, we poured a lot of money and resources and goodwill into West Germany, hence why Germany is now one of Europe's biggest economies. Exactly. Still can't have a standing army, though. They're so happy, though. We're such pieces.

Germans? Yeah. Well, the neo-Nazi movement's coming back, and movement's coming back in a big way. The Japanese are also happy. They should be. People should be happy, Eddie. Oh, no, the Japanese are very sad. They're dying out. Are they? Yeah, because

they're not having children. They can't get a fuck. Too many men. Yeah, they can't fuck. Too many dudes. They killed all the women in the womb. No, that's Chinese. Japanese, the men are, there's something about honor, is that they have to have a good job and all

that type of shit. It's a nightmare. A lot of them, too. Like, a lot of the people in their 20s, Japanese people in their 20s, they're just like, they just don't give a shit. They're not aspiring to anything greater. They're like, if I make enough to get this apartment, hang out, do karaoke or whatever it is every once in a while, that's where I'm cleaning out. This is where we have opinions of a mass group of people. We know nothing about. They love stuffed animals, too.

Is that right? Yeah. Love hotels. Steve, one nice thing about the Japanese, just to even it out. Their cartoons are superb. They are. That's a very good point. I don't like them. I don't like them at all.

What do you mean you don't like them? Of course you don't. We just had a nice thing. I'm with Eddie on that. Can we have one nice thing? Hate anime. What are you talking about? I just said they like stuffed animals.

Video games. Yeah, but that's not... And fish. They like fish, too. Yeah. Ed would hate his time in... I guess the baseball over there is fine. Japan would not get you if you went over there.

Oh, good pro wrestling. They wouldn't get me. I wouldn't get them. I know. We gotta get Eddie. We gotta take a camera crew out. Just send that out To Japan with a camera crew

I bet I'd clean up man You would clean up You'd get so much Fucking sweaty pussy Oh my god They'd all be so mad at me Yeah Yeah

You'd probably run afoul Of a Yakuza gentleman Oh Are they still around? Oh yeah Yeah Yeah You ever try to run

From a motorcycle? No Fucking nightmare, man. Talk to you. Talk to you. Wooded areas. Wooded areas. That's what you want to find.

Yeah, you want wooded areas. You're going to find trees and shit. Oh, my God. Yep. Hell yeah. All right. Next news story? Yep.

You better, man, or I'm going to turn into a... You guys took the whole stick. You better, man, or I'm going to turn into a... You know, let's just go to a story about a horny elephant. An elephant trampled its handler to death and ran off with two Russian tourists, a mother and her nine-year-old daughter, who were riding it during a trek in southern Thailand. Rescue teams tracked down the elephant about a mile and a half away and tranquilized it to rescue the tourist clinging to its back.

It took almost three hours for the elephant to calm down completely. Police Chief Narong Laksanawimol said we had to tie it to a tree. He said the animal began attacking the 60-year-old handler after about 15 minutes after the start of what was supposed to be a scenic ride for the tourists near a waterfall in the city of Fangniga. The handler's crushed body was found in a creek. He said the male elephant had never attacked anyone

since it began working for a tourist company two years ago, adding that the animal was in a state of aggressive sexual excitement. See, I didn't think we were going to be doing stories about Steve. God, I didn't think we were going to be doing stories about Steve. God, that is funny. Steve the horny elephant.

Oh, my God. That'd make a great children's book. It's not the worst. No, that is funny. Elephants are fine. Yeah. Elephants are great. They're graceful creatures.

They have emotion. They care. They can paint. They're favored by some cultures. You got a god, Ganesh. Yep. They're graceful creatures. They have emotion. They care. They can paint by some cultures. You got a god, Ganesh. They never forget. I'll take it. Fuck you, Holden.

Holden, forget these Russians deserved it. They should have had to pay triple for however long they were on the elephant. They should have had to pay. It's a hell of a ride. I would get on an elephant ride if you told me it was going to trample. It just turned into a roller coaster. Yeah. You get on the elephant. It's going to trample. It just turned into a roller coaster. Yeah. You get on the elephant,

it's going to trample and murder its current handler and it's going to run around the city for three hours. Yeah. I'll pay $150 fucking dollars. Wow, an elephant

could get up to 25 miles per hour. Wow. That's a scooter. So if you're a paraplegic, get an elephant. Not a scooter. You got to get up on it.

And no cops stopping you if you got steaks and an elephant. Definitely not. But then he'd probably end up just eating an elephant, right? Do people eat elephant meat? Sure. No, lions do. The lions do, yeah. They love it.

I remember when I was on an elephant at a part of a Bailey Circus when I was a kid, and it started to piss, and then the handler just started to beat the shit out of me. No way. And, you know, the elephant got pissed off, and my mom started screaming at him. She's yelling at the handler, and I don't know. It was a big to-do. Wow. Another one of Ed's beautiful family memories.

Oh, another one of Ed's beautiful family memories. I'm probably just sitting on top of it in like a fucking fluorescent shirt. Yeah, looking like an elephant yourself. This is the coolest. Mommy, daddy elephant's peeing. May I pee, mommy? No, Eddie, you can't pee, you fat fuck. Here's an interesting fact about elephant meat is that it is consumed in Africa Both as a delicacy

But is also eaten during times of hardship Such as drought and war Like a chicken wing Like a chicken wing Touched for the very first time Oh, I love that song Like a chicken wing Eaten during drought and war

Chicken wings are forever And for all people. You know, a form of capital punishment in India used to be they put your head on a rock and they'd have an elephant step on it. Step on it until your head was gone. Until they got rid of the bad guys. Yep. The old fucking. That's brutal.

Yep. I love it. Well, that probably isn't that brutal. In Vegas, they just have Gallagher hit your fucking head with a sledgehammer. Carrot shop turns into a prop. Oh, God, it'd be so great if we lived in that world. Yeah, Carrot Top turns you into a prop. Gallagher smashes you in the head with a fucking sledgehammer.

Cosby just rapes you on stage. What do you mean? Why would he do that? He doesn't do stuff like that. Bill Cosby? No, you're right. He's America's greatest. I'm sorry, Ed.

I forgot. He earns your trust first over a year or two. After 30 years. The guy wears a sweater now, so there is no way that he is a serial rapist. He becomes your mentor, and then he gives you too much Benadryl. That guy did, for Cosby's sweaters, what Hitler did for mustaches. Oh, it's not? You can never wear one again.

Nope. Never. Nope. Nope. God damn it's not? You can never wear one again. Nope, nope, nope. God damn it. I like some of his sweaters. I think it's funny they gave that scientist dude that helped land the thing on the comet. Remember he had that shirt with the half-naked chicks on it? Everybody just lost their shit. He's a fucking nerd.

He just did an amazing human feat. Meanwhile, Cosby's wearing these expensive sweaters, and that's a total clothing choice that nobody would even associate with. Right, right, right. But then this guy wears a shirt with naked women, has no bad intentions, no criminal history, and they're like, you're a fucking dirtbag. They made him cry.

They did? He apologized, and he cried during the apology. What's his name, Marcus? I'm going to have to see what this is. Probably because he spent his entire life. But also, you know what? He fucked up. What? Because, you know what happened?

When the thing landed on the comet after 12 years of shooting it out there, the fucking grappling hook didn't work and it fell into a ditch on its side. Well, it's not Batman. It's just a comet. All the information we're getting from it is useless. 12 years of work.

No, they're thinking about shaking it up, though. Yeah, it's in a bad position. It fucking fell into a fucking hole. No. And it's taking like round, like 360 degrees pictures, but most of it is of the fucking sky, the stars, because it's on its side. Well, it's fun. It's like you're on a picnic with it. All right.

Well, fuck you, Matt Taylor, for screwing it up for everybody. Matt Taylor is a fine guy. Bonehead. Well, they're not making fun of him for fucking up the science project. They're making fun of him for wearing a corny t-shirt. By definition, it's a science project. I hated

science projects. Yeah, what was your science project? How much cum can I put in the jar? I put it in front of it and I put it on the three-fold thing and we put it out. Right. I filled two jars. What was the point? My hypothesis

was that I'd fill half of one. What was your conclusion? My conclusion is I'm a cum lord. And I tried to fuck all the chicks in the room, including the teachers. How'd it go? And they were like, no, whatever. With their, ooh, like Queen of England.

Well, I'm trying to. Well, Queen of England is just a person who didn't want to get touched by you. I'll eat them out for like an hour. Now, is this show today as dirty as it is stupid? Or is it stupid more than dirty? Jim Tews? I picture, I just want to say, I picture you at a science fair as like a teenager with just a three panel board

And a jar of cum And then getting really mad That you didn't win That you didn't win any awards I have no more to give I don't know what else you want I shoved a plunger handle up my ass for this Three panel board

One just has a C The middle one has a U And the third one has a D. That's it. And then I wore a t-shirt that said mine on it. Mine come. You were going to write a book called Mine Come? That's how she's hilarious.

Yeah, my autobiography. Mine come by Holden McNeely. Yeah, it's going to be the shot for shot autobiography of all the times I've let it go, man. And if you want to blow your nose on my fucking juice rags, you can do it. You should make the pages out of Kleenex. I think that would be perfect. Yeah, exactly.

We'll make it out of it. Man, you're writing this for me. Yeah, the appendix is all just toilet paper. Yeah. Oh, my. All right, so an writing this for me. The appendix is all just toilet paper. Yep. Oh, my. All right, so an elephant killed its trainer. The Russians got a good ride. And now it's time for more from old McNeely.

It's segment time. Yeah. You haven't had enough of him yet. Here's more. I cannot believe he's still talking and screaming on this podcast. Yep. So the fans probably had some time to think of their own.

So write your own little thing in there as well. What is this one? Holiday thing, right? Holden, take it. Best holiday thing. Holden. It's the holidays. You have to create a theme for it.

It's not a visual medium. So, medium, medium. What is it? Do it. Can we not do a segment this month? No. Is this weekly? This month, we do a weekly.

Yeah, every week, Ben. Ben, say four nice things about Steve. Host Thanksgiving. We're all hosting Thanksgiving. Mark is a multi-billion dollar host of Thanksgivings. And he's going to pick which one of us gets to host Thanksgiving. Multi-billion dollar host of Thanksgiving. It doesn't even matter.

So, I, of course, will take the bullet as always. I'm fucking sick of it. And if I could hire a fucking lawyer to make me not go first every time, I'd fucking do it. But I'm not the police of the world, so I guess I'll fucking do it first. Yeah, I mean, whatever. You're the only one that's going to do it. No one else is doing it tonight. Ed's a fucking piece of shit.

All right. So my Thanksgiving will be a Thanksgiving of contests. Eating contests, that is. So we're going to start real early on. It'll be a mac and cheese eating contest. Then a hot dog eating contest, then a wings eating contest. Ben is legally obligated to be there. Oh, I'll win every single one of those.

You're going to clean the fuck up, dude. This is a Thanksgiving for you, but also for Marcus because you get to see Ben throw up and shit. I won't vomit, and I won't shit, dude. But this is the thing. The whole thing ends. I mean, I could go through the food. We know the food groups, right? The whole thing ends. I mean, I could go through the food. We know the food groups, right? The whole thing ends. We have to wait a while, but the whole thing ends with the poopy contest.

Oh. Where we measure the amount of dew that comes out of all of us after the feast. So it might even be a sleepover kind of lock-in situation. I think it'd be a lock-in situation. Everyone's there at least 40. I mean, I know when I- Just for you, I'm going to throw this in. We're doing a seance because we're doing a lock

in. We're going to have a seance, release the spirits of the apartment wherever we're at, and then we'll have a big dookie challenge the next morning. I love it. Seance dookie challenge Thanksgiving Thanksgiving of contest. Yeah. And Steve will get to go, but he has to stay in his own room because he'll

you know, fill the whole thing up. Why would he? Because he hates so. He's larger than, yeah. The normal man. Thank you. Yeah. I'm worried about you, man.

Wait a minute. Steve's been losing weight over the last few years. You've been rapidly gaining weight. Well, somebody's got to do it. Somebody needs to do it. I think I'm in a feeder-gainer relationship. She straight up feeds me when I'm just sitting there

playing video game stuff. She'll just walk up with a spoonful of stuff and just start shutting in my room. That's true. Yes. I've told her that before. Is her father a big man?

Never met him. I think he's a skinny, weed-smoking. I'm like, I'm in a... Is her father a big man? Never met him. I think he's a skinny, weed-smoking... I'm actually really excited. You moved in with her before you met her father? I'm going to Jacksonville this Christmas. But you met her mom. Nope, not in person. You never met her parents?

I'm going to Jacksonville this Christmas break. I'm going to go meet everybody. That's intense. Well, my Thanksgiving holiday is me replacing Holden on that trip. I will be Holden, I will meet Lexi's parents, and I will end the relationship. I think you'll do well. Yeah, they'll like me. Oh, can we spoon

after this? No. Alright. The things you guys used to get up to when you were roommates. Nothing. He was so jonesing for it. Yeah, I know. Steve? I loved Leah when she lived with us. Someone might say you were in love with Leah. I am still in love with Leah.

I look at her Facebook and she's speaking Chilean. Spanish. Oh, is that what it is? Yeah. Seems communist to me. Yeah, Chilean is Spanish. Leah, listen, Leah. She was wonderful.

She said you texted her a lot when you were drunk. No, I didn't. That's what she said? Alright. I'll take her word for it. Are you kidding me? So will the rest of the world. What's that? I didn't text her a lot when I was drunk. Just Facebook

me some tits. Alright. Steve. What? Are you feeling groovy right now? Am I feeling groovy? Yeah. I'm feeling okay. Jim, you groovy? I'm super groovy.

Steve. Cool. Do your thing. Steve, how would you host it? Where would it be? What kind of dishes would you serve? You are hosting Thanksgiving this year. I am hosting Thanksgiving this year, which any of you are more than welcome to come by.

You hear that, America? Yeah. Parts of Portugal as well. Give out his address. Yeah, how would I do if I had Thanksgiving my way? How would you do it? I would do it. I mean, I like football and food.

Okay. You know, that would be my style. Nice with the Packers? Nice. It doesn't even have to be the Packers. Thanksgiving's kind of fine already. Yeah, Thanksgiving is kind of the holiday you want. It's like you don't have to get presents for anybody.

All right, Easter. Which is the biggest? Native Americans. Oh, Easter. Man, I'd change the shit out of that. Yeah. Easter is fucking lame. I love Easter. Egg hunt. Really? the shit out of that. Easter is not egg hunt. Yeah, what's wrong with Easter?

It's fucking garbage. Why? The whole segment's breaking down right here. All right, all right. So football and food for you, too. That was fucking great. I'm going to do a Bill Cosby, Jeffrey Dahmer Thanksgiving. I'm going to do a Bill Cosby, Jeffrey Dahmer Thanksgiving.

So everybody comes prepared to either get drugged, killed, or be a killer or a rapist. And nobody knows who's getting what dish. So if you get the Dahmer dish, then you're going to become a zombie. And you're probably going to get drilled in the head, maybe filled with gravy from the gravy boat in your skull because you're trying to make the world's weirdest turkey or the mashed potato brains. And then so someone's not going to be able to eat and that's the Dahmer. So it's actually

better to be one of the victims because you get to eat a bunch of food. But then the other people who have to be the Bill Cosby or the Jeffrey Dahmer, they only get equipment to do the devil's work. So that's probably going to be illegal. Fair. But, yeah, so hopefully you end up.

Just do it on Indian land. It's fine. I feel like I kind of want to be a victim in this. There are many things that you can get away with on our land. Let's scratch it. Let's scratch it. You know what we'll do? This is the best. I've decided on something land. Let's scratch it. Let's scratch it. You know what we'll do? Your voice is the best.

I've decided on something different. Not the Dahmer-Cosby. I want a Don Knotts marathon. Okay. Love Don Knotts. Shakiest gun in the West. Love it. The incredible Mr. Limpet.

Yeah, Mr. Limpet. You know, Mr. Chicken there and the other fella. Yeah. Manny Griffith. There we go. And then, yeah, so we just watch Don Knotts and we comment about what an amazing comedic actor he was and how he should be more appreciated than he is. All right.

And the whole thing is, and then, of course, I'll take your summoning of spirits. Okay. But we have to try to summon Don Knotts. All right. Great. Stands for Don Knotts. There we go. Don Knotts, Jarethon, and Sayon.

Don Garlic Knotts. Isn't he so? Ooh, I love Don Garlic Knotts. Don Knotts Berry Farm. Yeah. If you run a two-boot pizzeria and you want to take that idea, pay Eddie some money. Don Knot not so fast. Too soon.

A little too soon. Too soon. That's too soon. God, this is a great episode. Everyone loves listening to it. Jim, what's your bag? Well, my bag is't even try. My favorite is... I don't know.

I don't watch football, but I like having it on on Thanksgiving. I like hearing it. So I'm going to go lots of food kind of early on. And then we'll have football. And then we get high, and then we keep drinking some more. And then everybody just grabs an instrument, and then we keep drinking some more, and then everybody just grabs an instrument,

and then we just play some songs. Fucking jam. I like that. I like a lot of people around that know how to jam on some level. Oh, yeah, I like a jam. I'm down for jam. Jam Thanksgiving. Jam next year.

I think we're going to do this. Yeah, we're actually going to do this. Last year. Did we? I did. Zoe's House, they always do that that they do a bit of a jam i played a cuica yeah what's a cuica it's a little uh stick in a box they gave you the stick in the box sounds like a straw in a cup yeah nice bit of a jam yeah tweak the fuck out of that place

um i have a couple questions Is this Thanksgiving just for me Or am I inviting a bunch of people over You're hosting Thanksgiving So I would say You can take it either way you want it But generally the idea is that you are hosting A Thanksgiving for a group of people So we're going to do it a little differently

I know because If I'm hosting this year We're just going to change it up a tad Just to change it up for change it up sakes. Because everyone knows Thanksgiving's fine, just like Steve put it. It's perfect. But what I want to do, live fish. Okay?

We're going to eat some live fish. It's a delicacy. I'm going to hire a Japanese man. He's going to come over. He's going to slice him up right in front of us. I'm going to get a bear. I'm going to drug a bear. You're going to get a bear. I'm going to drug a bear. You're going to drug a bear?

I'm going to drug a bear. It won't maul us, but we'll be able to cuddle with it and hang out with it. Sit in it like a beanbag chair? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I'm going to declaw it and detooth it as well. You're going to fuck up this bear pretty bad. I mean, this bear is already ruined. There's a drug addict for Chris.

You've got him addicted to drugs. Marcus, this isn't a good idea. That's rude to do to bears. Everybody knows that. Good God. Leave the bear alone. We're going to hang out with the bear. Hang out with the bear. Have a good time. You know, we'll glue a guitar to it.

Yeah, yeah. You just want to recreate the fucking... Country Bear Jamboree with the turkey legs. you know we put a little glue a guitar to it yeah yeah we'll glue a guitar to it you just want to recreate the fucking what is it country bear jamboree with the turkey legs yeah

I can get turkey legs you know but no whole turkeys just the legs why don't you just go to Chuck E. Cheese no I gotta get this bear

some fucking smack yeah yeah so we're gonna drug up this bear. We're going to hang out with it. And then at the end, Fish will play. Cool.

The band fish. The band fish? No, no. The fish. The animal? No, the animal. Whatever we do. Oh, I see.

We're going to put him on one of those pianos from Big. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a drum mat or something like that. Yeah, and I'm going to make millions of dollars in, you know, Indonesia. And he did not mention turkey stuffing potatoes once.

Turkey. Fish is not it. I mentioned turkey. Turkey legs, yeah. Oh, turkey legs. But the bear, I mean, the bear is a pretty big selling point.

So what do you got for us, Marcus? You get to cuddle with a bear all night. Who gets to host it? You're dangerous. Not mine. It's drugged up D-clawed and D-Tooth.

Well, then it's Ben Cosby. So wait, so it'd just be pretty much a big, like a sack. Yeah, it'd be a big sack, but it would still like be awake kind of. He's Cosby and the bear. Just put on a little Miles Davis and it'll just kind of fucking chill out.

Sit in his arms. Bears are racist. Bears are not out. Yeah. Sit in his arms. Bears are racist. Bears are not racist. Yeah, it's rare that it happens, but I got to go with the Thanksgiving of contests. Yes, contests. That's fun. That's fun. It sounded like a lot of fun. Yeah.

Although the Don Knotts Marathon and Seance, Christmas. All right, fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Exciting. Exciting. And what a great episode it was. We are the champions, my band. Oh, I see. Steve, Skulk the Hulking, any shows coming up?

Got some shows playing Trash Bar December 5th and Coco 66 on December 9th. Oh, awesome. December 5th, December 9th. Check out Skulk. It's incredible. You need an opener? Yeah. I'll do it.

Jim Tunes. He tries to get spots now every time he has to go to plug sites. I got too many spots. Calvin are playing the Goose Lounge fucking November 30th.

Yeah, yeah. The Goose Lounge. Get loose with the Goose to get two free tacos every time you take a piss. Yeah, get fucked up. The Goose Lounge. Get loose with the goose. You get two free tacos every time you take a piss. Yeah, get flocked up at the Goose Lounge. Get flocked up. On December 13th. Three for two drink specials.

You get five slices of cheese every time you take a dump. November 2nd. Yeah. November 2nd. Next year. November 2nd. 2015. November 2nd, 2015. November 2nd, 2015.

We're going to be cruising through the goose latch. Not going to play any music. We're just going to walk through the place. How do they know you took a dump? Yeah. We just got to tell them. It's the honor system. Yeah.

Oh, they'll smell it. The bathroom doesn't even have a door on it. They run your tab and you're like, I think that should be a little less. I took three shits here. The toilet in the club is in the middle of the room. There's no door. Yeah, yeah. Me and Holden will be in the toilet signing autographs for at least from 2 to 4 p.m. I'll scream for money.

And so if you want to bring me five bucks, I'll definitely scream at your mother. That's great. Jim, every Thursday, UCB East, 830. What's this? It's a show called Fresh Out. Yeah, it's a great show. I'll do it. I'm happy to do it. I'd love to do it. I'm not even a's a great show. I'm happy to do it.

I'd love to do it. I'm not even a stand-up, and I'd love to do it. We'll see what happens. This is your big break, Marcus. Yeah, thank you. But you're not doing it this Thursday because of Thanksgiving. No, no, no. This Thanksgiving and Christmas and New Year's, we're not having it. But every other Thursday.

All right. All right, that's Ed Larson. Hold it, McNeely. Jackie. Hey, what about us? Come to Too Fat, 12-4, the Larson. Hold it, McNeely. Jackie. What about us? Come to Too Fat. 12-4 the first Tuesday. Everyone knows about us, man.

Come to the show. Come to Too Fat. In the Murder Fist Christmas special. Yeah, yeah. We're doing a show at a shoe store. Yeah, at a shoe store. The shoe store's in the basement of the pit. That's great.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wednesday at the Standing Room. I'm doing a show there. Going to host that. Nice. Oh, I heard that one's going to be a bore. Yikes. Can I get on it?

Yeah, I'll put me on it. I gave myself the hosting job. Steve, something nice about Ben? You don't have to. No, you don't have to. You know what? It's the holidays, and I'm going to say something nice about Ben. All right, edit.

End the whole damn thing. I don't want to hear it. Once Steve starts giving you compliments, you're done. So, Steve, you got anything coming up? He already said it. It's over. All right. So when's the Goose Lounge show again?

That's it. December 8th, I'm on trial If you want to come by I will be there I got a ticket for walking through the turnstiles I'm working for the prosecution With another person I can't wait until you're in a trial

I'll be here I'll be a character witness Alright Jimmy got any shows coming up? He already did it What the fuck is wrong with you? Thursdays at 8.30. Are you doing it next on Thanksgiving?

No, we're not doing it Thanksgiving or Christmas or New Year's. January 12th, I'm doing a roundhouse cake competition at the Jew Lounge on 4th and 28th. I actually like the Jew Lounge. It's a veryth. I actually like the Jew Lounge. It's a very nice place. Try to work that place out. January 16th, I'm going to go get pizza. Okay. Can we meet there or do we have to wait for you back?

It's hilarious. It's great. It's great. Well, probably going to sneeze on one of these days here and go steal some napkins from Dunkin' Donuts. Jit 7th, I'm going Donuts. Jit 7th. I'm going to be... Jit 7th? Jit 7th.

I'm going to be over at the Clown Lounge. That's the 13th month. Yeah, yeah. I'm going to fucking be chilling there if you want to fucking crash my fucking party, man. Jip? Seems offensive. Club Jip.

Club Jip. Club Jip. jip Club jip What are you weighing Steve? Ludacris is gonna be there Ludacris is fucking eating my ass out On fucking February 7th He's gonna eat your butthole out? At the fucking

At the gobble hut Yeah yeah it's where people go to eat your butthole out? At the fucking... At the Gobble Hut. At the Gobble Hut? Yeah, yeah. It's where people go to eat people's asses out. Ludacris is eating my butt out. And I will be there to sign autographs. As your side character, Slappy Sally. Yeah, Slappy Sally.

I got a big old dick. It's great. Ludacris will be eating Holden's butt. And yeah, Marcus will be there signing autographs. I started a new storytelling show. Yeah, it's in my mother's bathroom. Where is it at? In my mother's bathroom.

Okay. Have you been there before? I have. It's a nice bathroom. How many people can get into the show? It holds about seven. Okay. The stories are super special.

It's a small crowd. It's nine jam-packed, six comfortably, but usually we go for seven. What day is that on? That is Christmas. Day. Christmas Day. Okay. So make sure you check that out.

That's actually day after Christmas. I'm going to be on the Brooklyn Bridge because I'm going to be thinking about jumping. So if anybody wants to come out there, just kind of give me some support, maybe try to pull me off the bridge. I was going to be on the Brooklyn Bridge because I'm going to be thinking about jumping. So if anybody wants to come out there, just kind of give me some support. Maybe try to pull me off the bridge. I was going to say encourage you. Yeah, or encourage me. You know, I mean, I guess we could break it off the half. December 24th might be Holden's last day on Earth.

Yeah, he'll be on the bridge. So maybe we could actually, this is actually a really legitimately good idea. Right. Maybe we could get a group of people out there. December 24th right here in New York City. We'll try to encourage Holden to jump And he'll hopefully do it Hopefully I will, hopefully I won't

When's put a mask on a dog day again? March 12th March 12th I remember that too because March 13th Is the day I'm going to try to turn into a helicopter And fly to the top of a building And turn back into a man That's actually the third consecutive year

in a row you've done that. I've tried to do that. Yeah, yeah. But I definitely know that the other day is, yeah, yeah, slap a dog day or whatever we just said. Yeah, that's how you know that it's time to helicopter up. Put a mask on a dog day. Put a mask on a dog day.

I forgot about that day, but I remembered it because it was the day before that turned into a helicopter day, which is the day before fucking try to scream in a volcano day. Yeah, yeah. I'll probably do my laundry tomorrow. Check him out. Check out Eddie doing that.

Honestly, I've seen him do his laundry a few times, and it's just really amazing. Really phenomenal. It's the best show in New York. Yep, best show in New York. Ed doing his laundry. Eddie's laundry day. Ed, when can I get on that? I mean, you know, if you want to swing by tomorrow, I think I got a guest spot.

Towards the end during the big fold. The whites, yeah. The whites. The whites only. The check spot, yeah. All right. Jim, how fat is Steve? I don't think he's that fat.

All right. Anyhow, how fat is Steve? It's all right. It's all right, Jim. Thanks for coming in and sitting in for Jackie, Jim. Pretty fat. This is the most fun I've had in weeks. He is the best.

He's so good at it. Steve, how fat do you feel you are? Too fat. All right. That's the name of our show. That do you feel you are? Too fat. All right. That's the end of our show. That's right. December 2. If you're ever in Williamsburg.

Wow. All right, everybody. Happy Thanksgiving. Happy Thanksgiving. Have a good time with your whatever you're hanging out with. Do your Thanksgiving thing.