The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 223: Ball Crazy

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

This week on Round Table: an Australian with dementia steals a hearse with a body inside, an unruly service pig gets kicked off a plane, and a police dog gets fired for being skittish, afraid of heights, and prone to barking too much. Joining us today: Danny Tamberelli!

Hey everybody, just a quick update for you. The Roundtable, gentlemen, is now brought to you by Audible.com. Go to audibletrial.com slash roundtable for your 30-day free trial. Hell yeah, let's kick this pig, you fuckers! The Roundtable. Gentlemen! Aye? Let's broaden our minds! Lay on, gentlemen, and let them know what's what!

Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the day, what's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. I do that? I think so, right? Marcus?

Yeah. Right? Yeah. All right. Oh, sure. Yeah, yeah. Everyone close your eyes for a guided meditation. Oh, you're a big old Henry Bear.

Day after Thanksgiving, just stepping into the toilet. Oh, fucking ate too much again. Yep. Oh, my mom fed me too much fucking food again. Oh, fuck. And then you're shitting and you're pissing and you're pissing and then you start shitting again and then your fucking uncle's in the fucking tub for some reason and he's shitting and he's pissing and jerking off to your pissing and shitting and you're all fucked and the fucking kitchen's on fire because the fucking dog got into the stove again. That big fat dog. Henry sent a picture of the dog finally.

Huge dog. Next to a banana for perspective. That big fat dog that can't move. Oh, you're that big fat dog that can't move. Laying on the floor next to a banana. Wishing you could fucking turn your head enough to eat it. Maybe the Zabrowski's could have eaten a banana. I can't wait to talk to them about that dog upon their return.

Now open your eyes. You're in the fuck house. Round table of gentlemen. All right. Welcome to the round table of gentlemen, everybody. A hell of a prayer. Danny Tamberelli is here. He's sitting in for Ed Larson.

Thanks for being here, Danny. Yeah. Good to be here. Oh, wow. It's like Ed's here. Danny, tell me something about your mother, but make it Ed's mom and say something bad about her. Oh, well, Ed's mom and I have been fucking on the reg for a little while. So I didn't want to make Ed make fun of his own mom.

I figured I should just drop back into myself. I love it, Danny. That's great. That woman needs to be tenderly pushed, and I'm sure you're doing it for her. I'm not tender. I am not tender. Well, then I'm sure she comes a bunch. It's weird when you become Ed, your eyes start glowing.

There it is. There's old sick Ed. Some good shit, man. Fuck. Perfect fat Ed impression. Holdenators, ho! Oh, by the way, there is a man out there who filmed this child doing the Holdenator ho chant. Take the kid away.

They got to get that kid away from that father. I put father in quotation marks because he's not a real dad. That's right. You can be a Holdenator if you're nine. You can be a Holdenator if you're three. You can be a Holdenator if you've got tits. The kid knew. The kid knew he was doing something wrong.

That's right. Did you see this video, Kevin? No, I didn't see it. A man, a father, had his six, seven-year-old son do the Holdenator Ho chant, and the kid was like, I know this is wrong. I know this is setting me back in elementary school. I know no one's going to talk to me if I do this, and his father made him do it. Where can people find this video?

Well, it's on the roundtable of gentlemen page. Yeah, and the Holdenation of the Holdenators, we're all happy to be here. Marcus, have you not seen this? I have not. It was one of the most disgusting forms of child abuse I've ever seen in my entire life. I was livid. Oh, my God. What did he do afterwards?

Fucking eat a dog's pussy out? You disgust me. That would be worse. Whatever. Kevin, you're here. Thank God. Oh, yeah, man. I'm here, man, wearing one of my many bird shirts.

I know. You have so many bird shirts now. You never saw the birds on your shirt. You're the only guy. You have a show on TV, and you're like, I'm going to dress like an eighth grader who doesn't get laid. What happened? You're supposed to be doing things that are more extravagant than bird shirts.

Well, here's the thing. It was almost unintentional. It just became this thing where I'm like, oh. The first time, I was like, oh, that's a dope-ass sweater. There was no bird Luger allegiance at that point. He didn't exist. But there was a fucking dope-ass sweater, man. Birds flying in the air, fucking sawgrass at the bottom,

whatever it was. Marshes, man. And I bought it. You dress like a redneck from Wisconsin. I love it. They always wear animal bird shirts and shit like that. Don't know who likes a dude who could just be hanging out by a lake. Yeah, exactly.

It's perfect. You catch any bites today? Yeah. Who's that old dude in the bird shirt who just watches us fish all day? By the way, you got a fucking bird on your shirt. I got the American eagle. You got an eagle on your shirt. A big one.

The best bird that's around. It kills all the birds that are on Kevin's shirt. That's the American eagle. You got an eagle on your shirt. A big one. The best bird that's around. It kills all the birds that are on Kevin's shirt. That's for God damn sure. That's the eagle on Kevin's shirt. Oh, is it the bald eagle too? Look how many he's got on his shirt versus the one stupid one you have with yours. I have one large one.

Yeah, but I mean, it's like who would win in a fight? One Ditka or a bunch of mini Ditkas. A bunch of tiny bald eagles against one big bald eagle? I think the tiny bald eagles would win. I think the tiny bald eagles would win, man. Half your shirt is taken up by that fucking dumbass flag, dude. The American flag, Kevin.

Also, all the tiny bald eagles could form together like Voltron and become a big-ass bald eagle. Or a raptor or some shit like that. They don't even have to be a bird. They can form together and become a dinosaur and fucking eat your bird's eyes out. Birds are dinosaurs. They are! I learned it!

I was taught! From watching Jurassic Park! Whatever! Nonetheless, Kevin, I know a lot about birds as well. They are dinosaurs. They are! That's great. Alright, so everyone had a good Thanksgiving.

Marcus, you're here. How was your Thanksgiving? Fantastic Thanksgiving. It's been a withholding. Are you sure you wanted to say fantastic Thanksgiving? Yeah, we had a great time. Yeah, yeah. We played the rhyming game. What was that like? Oh, you just rhyme loud and... Seven! Nine!

That's not a rhyme. Oh, but now... You don't! That's not a rhyme. Oh, but no. You don't want to rhyme. If you rhyme, you lose. Yeah. Ah. Giraffe. Garbage.

So you won. Wow. You played that for seven hours. You didn't even eat Thanksgiving dinner. Wow. Too caught up in the rhyming game. That is fantastic. That's great.

Kevin, you had a fun family Thanksgiving in Massachusetts? Oh, Maryland, man. Maryland. Parts of it were cool. Food was cold. That's not right. Yeah. Cold food?

Yeah, it was cold. But it was fine, man. That's the thing about hanging out with Jamaican people, man. You say dinner's at 5. You eat dinner at 10. And that is just exactly what the situation was And the meal was still prepared at the same time To eat at 5

Sitting out there in the cold Do they make good ass jerky Or is that racist Jerk not jerky Jerk and jerky Jerk and jerky are two very different things I'm a jerk And Marcus is jerky

I forgot No but this is sad This is pathetic Kevin I'm a jerk, too. Very different. Y'all make jerky dash there, too? I'm a jerk, and Marcus is jerky. I forgot. No, but this is sad. This is pathetic, Kevin. I felt like out of all the people at the table, you would have had the best family Thanksgiving dinner. Oh, I'll tell you, man. We had so much food. Problem was, all of it cold.

All of it cold? I'm talking about we had. Was Claudette just slapping your hands away when you were trying to go for the food while it was hot? Yeah. And the turkey was late. Listen, man. So the turkey is showing up like Kanye West when he was at the outside festival. This is the problem. This is how tantalizing the shit was.

Yeah. We had turkey. We had fried turkey. We had jerk chicken. We had barbecue chicken. We had ribs. We had roast beef. We had fried chicken.

Right. We had some other weird type of pork. We had curry goat. We had two different types We had some other weird type of pork. We had curry goat. We had two different types of macaroni and cheeses. Rice and peas. Fucking all types of weird vegetarian shit. I don't understand that shit. Almost touched my food.

I will say with the addition of curry goat, it does sound like you might be trying to summon the devil. It's possible. So what happened? The turkey was just five hours late? So you couldn't touch anything else? The family's too big, man. Ah, everyone was late. Yes, the family's late. possible. So what happened? The turkey was just five hours late? So you couldn't touch anything else? The family's too big, man. Everyone was late.

Oh, the family was late. It's 12 aunts and uncles on my mom's side. They all got three kids, and then half of them got grandkids. It's too many people to fucking coordinate. Right, right. That's such a nightmare. I did nothing. I sat on my couch, I ate bagels and cream cheese and I ordered

Indian food. Say bagels again. Well, bagels. What is that? It's a bagel! You can get that in New York or do you have to get that delivered special? I get it from Wisconsin. That's a Wisconsin bagel, huh? Yeah. I watched Lock Up Raw

and Shark Tank on TV. That was my Thanksgiving. But Danny, you had a nice one as well. Yeah, my Thanksgiving was all right. I had the first time ever not having my grandmother's Italian wedding soup. She passed away like a long time ago, so my aunt and my sisters make the soup. And for whatever reason, year It got fucked up Like in a bad way

Oh and that's like What you live for Is that soup Yeah that's like My favorite part of Thanksgiving And I was like Oh can't wait for the soup Like you know

It's the Instagram picture Two days before My little sister Like rolling meatballs For the soup Yeah yeah Getting that shit all together And it's you know

It's like a two day event To make this soup And I don't know what happened Like it just got fucked up so we like I tried to eat it she's like it doesn't taste

very good I was like all right yeah right what's wrong with it oh my god like I think the spinach went bad maybe this is terrible

man it was just it was terrible and the worst part about it was the second before I tasted the soup I was just talking with my aunt just being

psyched I was just like yo my aunt, just being psyched. I was just like, yo, I just love this soup. And I'm so glad that we keep it going. I'm like, I don't want to know a Thanksgiving without my soup. Right. And then the soup went bad, so I fucking jinxed myself or something. I don't know. And there is nothing sadder than watching a fat guy take a bite of soup and not like it.

Well, I mean, it's awful. But yeah, and I tried it more than once just to be like, no, it's going to be okay. And they're like, well, I'll just try one more meatball, and my family's looking at it because it tasted like vomit, like something bad happened to the soup, like fucked up happened. I don't know what. Bad soup, late dinners, anti-rhyming, rhyming games, lock up raw. Thanksgiving is cancerous.

You know what? Greenhouse. Nice. You know what? Greenhouse. Nice. You know what? So my only experience with Italian wedding soup is the Campbell's flavor. And it's arguably their worst flavor. So what you're saying is it normally doesn't suck. No, normally it's delicious, man.

And it's quality. It's a two-day process. It's a two-day process. You got to make sure you get the right meatballs. You got to get the right spinach, apparently, now. I don't know. Yeah, it does seem weird to mess up a soup. I haven't really heard many soup complaints ever.

Man, I'll tell you what, though. Fuck Thanksgiving. Let's talk about the dump the day after, man. Oh, that's unfair. I haven't had it yet. Oh, my God. What did it actually look like? It took me two days. Really? I'll tell you what the fuck Thanksgiving. Let's talk about the dump the day after fair. I haven't had it yet Oh my god It took me it took me two days Really? Yeah, it took me Saturday was definitely the Thanksgiving dump that was and now you live in a you live in a

Studio studio with your girlfriend. So I mean she was just there for the toilet to the ceiling Yeah, I got a good suction cups and climb up onto the ceiling. Yeah, yeah. It's very versatile. But then when it would come down on you Oh, there's poopy all over me when I take a dump in the toilet. Oh, there's poopy all over me. Oh, yeah, yeah. And then I would chase after Lexi. I'm like, I'm the poop monster.

Maybe they should have had you design the bathroom. Yeah. Gravity is great for poop. She throws up a lot now that we live together. She does? Yeah. She is always puking. What do you mean?

She's like, I love you, you make me bulimic. You make me lose weight. It's probably just like your fucking epidermis. All up in her lungs. Yeah, dude.

When I'm fucking going down on her and all of it. She'll just throw up there, huh? Yeah, she'll throw up anywhere. Just right on the top of your head or something. The whole place just covered in shit and puke. I love it, though. It's comfy.

It's got a chair. That's great. In it. In the apartment there. In the apartment. You can sit on the chair if you're being a good boy. You can sit on the chair for 15 minutes. What happens if you're being a bad boy?

Oh, man. This is why that father who made the video with the Holdenator Ho kid should be arrested. I mean, this is disgusting stuff. I mean, thank you to the boy. Thank you to the dad. You know, I feel like the Holdenertian is taking over. You got to work on that. Yeah, I know.

The Holden Countryland. Basketball. Fucking greenhouse. He already said greenhouse. You actually lost, Marcus. You're going to have to get hit in the face with a basketball now. All right, Marcus. What's the news story?

Good God. A woman was kicked off a U.S. Airways flight after the pig she brought for emotional support became disruptive. A woman was kicked off a U.S. Airways flight after the pig she brought for emotional support became disruptive. The passenger and her large pig were booted from the flight before it left Connecticut's Bradley International Airport on Wednesday. After the animal became disruptive, the passenger was asked to deplane. How disruptive, you ask? Fellow passengers told the Hartford Courant that the big brown pig stank up the cabin of the tiny D.C-bound aircraft before defecating in the aisle. Oh, man.

Oh, my. Just goes to show that old saying, when pigs fly means something, right? That's right, Danny. I agree. I love this pig, though. Shitting on the plane. Look at a picture of this pig. It's a gigantic pig.

It's a gigantic pig. Do they give away? Well, can we just start? Okay, let's just start with the first question. How easy is it to get an animal that's like, are you emotional support? Is it like a California weed card? You're just like, you know what? I'm having anxiety.

Oh, you need one of those? Eight ounces of our strongest nut. So I learned a little bit about this. Apparently, you can't, you know, eight ounces of our strongest. So I learned a little bit about this. Apparently you can't ask for the papers. Yeah. Because I got a friend, Carly, I got a friend who she works at a cheese shop and this crazy lady comes in with her support dog every day, but they're not allowed to ask for papers. It's, it's considered harassment. So anybody can take any dog into any place and say, oh, it's my support dog. And if they ask for papers, they can like sue them.

Yeah, a woman did that in the New York Times article. The Nazis ruined the question. The Nazis ruined the... The Nazis were asking for papers all over the place. And then as soon as we beat them, we're like, no more. No one will be asked for papers in America. But if there weren't Jews, they would have never asked for papers. Well, in this case, it's a pig on a plane.

I'm just saying that the Jews are, you know. Different than that. They are different than that by definition. I mean, I'm just, I'm being belligerent, you know. I'll tell you what, second to only tasering videos, my favorite video to watch on YouTube is people getting kicked off of airplanes. Oh, yeah. It's the best.

It's the best. They're always flipping out. Well, it was around 6 a.m. the day before Thanksgiving when passenger Robert Phelps first saw the woman coming down the aisle. He thought she had a, quote, really big dog or a stuffed animal thrown over her shoulder. big dog or a stuffed animal thrown over her shoulder, he told CNN everybody was trying to surmise what it could be because no one thought it was a pig. Other than a Fellini movie, where would you see a person with a pig? Ah, nice Fellini reference. Yeah.

The person who was subtitled when he said it because it was a silent film. He was in black and white. Yeah. It was great. After she reached her seat and began to store her items, the pig began, quote, dropping things in the aisle, he said. Like his watch or his suitcase. As she tied him to the armrest and tried to clean up after him, he began to howl. Is this the first pig on a plane?

Probably not ever. Maybe it's the first pig on a passenger plane. Definitely the first pig we've ever heard about. I mean, I'm sure pigs fly every day that we never hear about. Well, sure. Can we just go back, though? How did it get through security? How do you have to take your shoelaces

off, your shoes off? No, your shoelaces, but your shoes off. And this woman strolls through with a pig. You can put the pig through the magnetic resonator machine. Do they put them through the machine? They have to put them through the machine. There's no other way through. Oh, man. As far as I understand, a pig you can put the pig through the magnetic resonator machine do they put them through the through the machine they have to put them through the machine there's no other way through oh man as far as i understand a pig is a weapon i mean if you're working security don't you stop the lady with the pig i just feel like that's the i've never seen it before nobody wants to be working security man that's your people that made that happen.

Sir, can you please get your pigs' front arms to do this, just to go to the side so we can do this thing, sir? Strip search the pig. Can't, man. If y'all didn't do all that bullshit in the 30s and 40s, we wouldn't be having pigs on planes. Yeah, yeah. Who knows if the pig's fucking Jewish

or getting fucking arrested for being Nazis. I don't think pigs are world-class Jewish, and they're certainly not Muslim. Oh, everybody's Jewish. Yeah, yeah. Who knows if the pig's fucking Jewish? We can fucking arrest it for being Nazi. I don't think pigs are world-class Jewish, and they're certainly not Muslim. Oh, everybody's Jewish. Oh, oh, that makes me a Nazi just because everybody's fucking Jewish. Y'all could have just fucking played it cool, man. Oh, man. Look where we're at today. I want a cartoon animated Muslim pig.

That's what I want to say. Just offensive cartoon character of all time. Well, the witness continued. He said she was talking to it like a person, saying it was being a jerk. He said, I have no problems with babies, but this pig was letting out a howl. Yeah, it's a pig.

It's different than a baby. Yeah, and the flight attendant asked her to move to the front of the plane, and eventually she left. He said, I understand dogs and cats on planes. They come in crates but this was way too big and it had no container. It looked heavy. It was not

a tiny cute little pig. What airline was this? I don't know. I'll have to check that out. That would probably help solve this mystery. I don't think this would be happening. Southwest Airlines? Yeah, it's the Southwest. Might be Spirit Airlines. Do you pay for... U.S. for it? U.S. Airways. U.S. Airways.

Marcus, can we tell, did the pig have a ticket? No. Actually, I looked this up. Emotional support animals fly for free. They fly for free. So the pig is in there shitting all over its free plane ride. Not right. But it was definitely too big to put underneath the front seat.

How did they even let it get into the cabin to begin with? I don't know. Maybe they got a free seat for the pig. Oh, pig seat. That's ridiculous. Yeah, someone got put on standby because of that pig. I like that. I love that.

Every flight should have a pig on it. I wouldn't have reported the pig. Hell, you want them all to have pigs on it. I love pigs. Pigs are adorable. They're very smart animals, too. And they're good for caressing. And they'll look at you with eyes of love.

Do you need a pig as an emotional support? Before I think about eating them. Oh, I know. I do not look at pigs with eyes of love. I feel terrible whenever I eat a pig, but I love to eat them. Why? No. I do.

I do. Why? Do you think about Babe or something? Yeah, Babe. You know, he was a great baseball player. Charlotte's Web was a pig in there. Yeah, I don't eat spiders either. I mean, those are good movies, man, but I got to tell you, man,

honestly, I have way better memories with Delicious Pork than I do with those movies. That's what I'm talking about. So much more memories. Fucking bacon, man. You just can't, I mean, I can't live without it. That's true. Bacon's very good. You just can't. I mean, I can't live without it. That's true. Bacon's very good. Yeah.

I just ate some candied bacon today. Yeah? Not four hours ago that were drizzled with brown sugar and then was a little sauce dip with just maple syrup in it. Beautiful. Oh, man. So you could just double down. That's so good.

And it was that nice thick cut, like quarter of an inch cut. Yeah? Well, did you find an airline ticket in that? Might have been this pig right there. No, I think this pig is a lucky fuck. Yeah, I agree. The pig did what a lot of people might want to do on a plane. Take a big dump in the aisles.

Do shit in the middle of the aisles. Fuck you. And fuck U.S. Airways. I'm sort of envious of the pig, actually, at this point. After everything the U.S. Airlines puts you through to just get on their goddamn death vessel, I would love to take a dump in the aisles and this pig had the opportunity to do it. Yeah. What a hero.

See? That's a good pig. That is a good pig. I wonder where it ends with the emotional support animals. Can you have a horse as an emotional support animal? Oh, yeah. That was Mitt Romney's wife, Ann Romney. She had a dressage horse for her emotional support, and they didn't like her for it.

Can you have a fucking alligator as an emotional support? Well, I guess. Yeah, I feel like you can have whatever. Any animal. If you're bringing pigs on planes, the door is open. This is my Burmese. Any animal. If you're bringing pigs on planes, the door is open. This is my Burmese python. It's a support animal. Oh, my God.

I love those pythons. God, snakes in a plane would have been so much cuter if it was pigs on a plane. Oh, yeah. That would have been, that was a crucial subplot that they missed.

Yeah. We got to keep these fun-loving pigs on this good time plane. Yeah, Cedric the Entertainer is riding, driving it. He's the pilot. Oh, now we're talking about Soul Plate, right? Well, yeah, with pigs time plane. Yeah, Cedric the Entertainer is driving it. He's the pilot. Oh, now we're talking about Soul Plate, right?

Well, yeah, with pigs on it. Yeah, yeah. No, Cedric wasn't the pilot on Soul Plate. Oh, okay. I never saw Soul Plate. Oh, it's very funny. I heard it is. American classic.

Yeah. I heard it's super fun. I miss that window where you get really high and go see it in the movie theater. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your service animal, your emotional support animal, must qualify as manageable in public. Oh, so no alligator. No alligators. Not manageable in public.

I mean, people, I always see a big fat lady with snake. Snakes are manageable in public. Yeah. Hmm? Snakes are manageable in public. Oh, yeah. You see those people walking around Venice Beach with their snakes. Yeah.

I just think it's confusing. You can't have anything on a plane anymore. You can't take shampoo with you. You can't have toothpaste. And this woman walked on there with a goddamn piece of walking bacon. I mean, it's pretty insane. Now you don't want him on the plane. I'm just saying I want him on.

You're flip-flopping all over the place. I'm not flip-flopping. You're running for office. I'd be taking you down right now. You're such a flip-flopper. I'm not flip-flopping. You love the pig. You hate the pig. You hate the pig.

I love the pig, but I just don't understand how he got on a plane. Was your great-grandfather a Nazi? Shut up! Good God, he was not. Make him deny it. That's all you got to do. Yeah, that's it. Let's go from pigs to sausage.

A Texas... Okay! From pigs to different kind of pig. Kind of big, right? That's still... Well, it could be beef sausage. A Texas... Okay. From pigs to different kind of pig. Kind of big, right? That's still... Well, it could be beef sausage. Oh, okay. Fuck beef sausage.

Let's hear the sausage story. Okay. A Texas woman was arrested yesterday for stealing more than $6,400 worth of sausage from the Kielbasa Provision Company, a San Antonio firm that has been smoking meat since 1949. According to an arrest affidavit. Granddad, you might want to change the term smoking meat because it's 2014. It has a different meaning. What do you mean it's a different meaning?

It means you want to suck dick, like human dick. Maybe that's what I want to do, boy. I do, boy. Grandpapa's do, boy. I do, boy. I'm Shaw. Graham Pepper's gay, boy. Shaw, or according to an arrest affidavit, Regina Shaw, 45, was linked to the September 14th theft via surveillance footage that recorded her taking a pallet of meat product from the purveyor.

Shaw, who worked for the firm, was charged with felony theft and booked into the Bexar County Jail. She was subsequently released on $5,000 bond for stealing $6,400 worth of sausage. That is a lot of sausage. That is a lot of sausage. As detailed by a San Antonio Police Department detective, Shaw allegedly fenced a portion of the meat through a man who purchased some boxes of kielbasa sausage from her. The man later accepted more kielbasa in payment for a loan that he had given Shaw. I don't know if a felony is really in order, though.

Do you go to prison for this? I mean, if she would be convicted, I mean, she would be serving, like, I mean, massive amounts of time. I mean, she fenced the meat. She used meat to repay a loan that she owed to another man. Did she owe it to a pig? No.

Okay. I'll take fucking meat instead of money. Yeah, what moron pig? No. Okay. I'll take fucking meat instead of money. Yeah, what moron takes meat instead of money? I'll take me. Yeah? Yeah.

I hope you don't have any outstanding debts. I know I owe you eight grand, okay, Holman, but look, look. Yeah? I'll give you five grand worth of kielbasa.

Oh. It is a premium. It comes from these guys in San Antonio. Uh-huh. Can I give you money? No, no. This is just you gave me that money already, so I'm just trying to pay you back with sausage.

I'm going to give you money. He owes you money, Holden. Yeah, and then I give it back to him. No, that's not how you make your money back. No, I give him money. That's when I give. Yeah, when anybody owes me money, I give them money. Oh, man.

Yeah, no, it's holiday season. Yeah. Yeah, dude, so, yeah, about that, I do owe you that five grand. Okay. So you can just give me that other six grand now. Why are you dressed like a mailman? Well, it's the holiday season, but I'm one holiday behind. So I'm still at Halloween.

Oh, I see. Yeah, I know. Well, glad Holden knows where I was going. Dressed as a mailman for Halloween. Well, yeah, why not? It's something different. Yeah, I mean, it's just a profession.

You are filthy. Good improv. Yep, great improv. That's what people listen to the show. It was a great exercise. God, people love the show. Can I use that in my reel? Yeah, you can have this in your audio reel. You can say you were all the voices

too, if you want. Oh, cool. Very cool. Wow. What's happening with this woman? Well, I went to the kielbasa sausage site, and I found some beef and cheddar smoked sausage. 20 ounces of it is $5.99.

So it did a little bit of math. Okay. She stole $6,400 worth of sausage. So I divided that by $5.99. I found that that was... I don't want to hear how the sausage is made. I just want to hear the answer here, buddy. 1,335 pounds of sausage. Whoa, that's a lot of sausage. made. I just want to hear the answer here, buddy. 1,335 pounds of sausage.

Whoa, that's a lot of sausage. Yeah. More than half a ton of sausage. But I mean, for the factory it's fine. They don't really need all that. That's just a throwaway at the end of the night. Drop in the bucket. Yeah, drop in the bucket.

Well, she's going to go to prison for a long time. Oh, and take a look at this woman. Oh, yeah. She's stealing sausage. Wow. Right next to a picture of sausage. She was obsessed with it. Yeah, she looks like what I imagined every white person's dad looked like when I was a kid.

I'm not sure if we ever talked about it. I haven't heard you do this bit in a long time, but you used to say that you had a fear of growing older. Oh, yeah. You just had a fear of growing old white. Yeah, I forgot about that. Because we age so bad. No, because I realized yeah, it's just like, it was a real that was like legitimately something I

thought growing up. Like, I was just terrified of getting older, and I realized I was legitimately just terrified of being an old white dude. They all look so bad. It's so gross. People make fun of Asian women for aging poorly, but I feel like the white dude just

does not do it right at all. Or isn't anybody, man. It's not good. Literally, it's my nightmare. You have to start rationalizing wrinkles as moments of experience, as opposed to just you look terrible. Yeah, y'all get hit with everything. Oh, my God.

Nature's payback. Yeah, that's right. All right, Marcus, what's going on? I've got a Thanksgiving story for us. Oh, yeah. And since that her boyfriend began eating their Thanksgiving dinner while she was asleep following a day of drinking, a Pennsylvania woman grabbed a knife and stabbed her boyfriend after chasing him around the dining room table. Jesus.

Jacqueline Blake, 47, is locked up in the Luzerne County Jail on an assortment of criminal charges. According to Wilkes-Barre Police, officers responded yesterday to Blake's residence around 6.30 p.m. after receiving a 911 call about the stabbing. When they arrived at the home, Blake, who was exiting the residence, announced, I stabbed him. Further investigation revealed that Blake's beau, Benjamin Smith, had been stabbed in the chest.

Because she got too drunk and passed out, and he was hungry and sober? Yeah, she got wasted the night before. She was sleeping off a bender. Ooh. Yeah. Because she got too drunk and passed out, and he was hungry and sober? Yeah, she got wasted the night before. She was sleeping off a bender. He got hungry. He started eating. She woke up. She got pissed.

She stabbed him in the chest. This woman's a psychopath. That's why they're too old, man. You can't be having boyfriends and girlfriends when you're 47, man. Once you pass, like, 45, it's too old to be dating, man. You got to figure it out. Be like, alright I'm 45. I'm a dude. I'm just gonna fuck dudes because I understand

dudes. If you're a chick, fuck chicks. That's the logic of the universe. You know, find any house on the street, break in, steal a baby. You know, there you go. You've got your family. Yeah. So prison and age will make you gay. Prison and getting older.

That's the way I see the world. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? People always saying, bitches be crazy. People always saying, dudes be crazy. We all crazy, man. We just on different fucking wavelengths of crazy. You ever seen 2001?

The Space Odyssey? Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Man, I can't. On my 60th birthday, I'm sucking so many dicks I can't wait, man You don't have to wait

Why do you have to wait Until you're 60? You could be 47 apparently Nah, 60 years old, man I'll be hungry for it Wow I'm gonna fill up on semen For your Thanksgiving

Your 60th birthday 60th year Thanksgiving Cover the fucking cake in it. I'm eating it. That would be illegal, I think, if you didn't tell people, though. You have to tell people that it's the semen cake. Can't just serve it to them. I was watching Lock Up Raw over

Thanksgiving, and there was one guy who was giving away all of his free cheese sandwiches because he had a lot of money, and he was cumming in all of them, and he had AIDS. And a lot of people were really upset, and they were worried that they got AIDS from his jizz-filled cream sandwiches, cheese sandwiches. Can you eat jizz and get AIDS? No, you can't eat AIDS. Apparently the cheese killed the AIDS.

Oh, okay. The cheese killed the AIDS? Well, I think it was just because it lasted too long. It was too long on the white bread. I think my girlfriend wants me to be gay. She is formerly gay. She wants to buy me a prostate milker. Yeah, you talked about this on the last episode.

Okay, I thought I talked about it before we started recording. Did he mention it? No. Okay. She wants to get a milker for my prostate. I think he mentioned it after the show last week. Yeah. Well, then let her do it.

Get it done. Do it, man. I'm gay, bro. I know. It's amazing. That do it. Get it done. Do it, man. Do it. It's gay, bro. It's fucking amazing. That's a chick who wants you to fucking bust, bro. She said she wants to give me a female orgasm. And that's apparently when you milk the prostate, you get a... I don't...

What is the milker? What does it do? Does she have eyes? Like, what is on her eyes? You need to hold on to this chick for dear life, man. That would require her to look at your butthole and put something in it. She wants to get in there, dude. She wants to get all eyes.

You're never going to find some shit like this again, man. Don't let her over. What does the milker, can you, what does it do? Like, it's not a butt, is it a butt plug? I mean, you don't necessarily have to get, like, an actual apparatus to milk the prostate. Is it a robot? Like, what is it? What is it?

It's so fat and full of human shit at all times. I mean. That's the thing. I just feel like I'm in a dookie doo. You were clearly already horrible looking when you got it. You clearly deteriorated. I don't get it. And she's relatively cute. What do you mean

relatively? She's beautiful. She's hot. Lexi's hot, man. I know. I mean, I think I would think she's a hell of a lot hotter if I was the one going in the downward dog and having her fucking plug my asshole up. I think she's a goddamn beauty queen.

You would welcome the milf. Oh, I don't care about anything. I got. I think she's a goddamn beauty queen. You would welcome the milk. Oh, I don't care about anything. I've got gay brothers. It's in my DNA. If your lady was like, hey, I want to milk you down in your back door. It doesn't matter. No one wants to hear about my sexual escapades. Oh, my God.

So have you seen a picture of what these things look like yet? No, not at all. Yeah, yeah, check it out. I used to have one myself. Oh, okay. It looks like a leech. I had this one right here that, like, curves inward and it's got a vibrator on it.

Woo, man. I mean, I was emptied out. Very disgusting. It looks like a mean worm. It really did. It feels like the orgasm. It feels like you're jizzing from, like, your chest. Like, you've had, like, this guy come, like,izzing from your chest. You've had scum come.

You have a prolonged, crazy, they call it the male version of the female orgasm. It's a prolonged, insane experience. It's like, what do they call it, a colon cleanse? Yeah. It's like that, but for your balls. This is what I understand. This is what makes me not like you as a person. He's pointing to Holden, by the way.

I'm pointing to Holden. You have a girl, beautiful, very nice, cool girl. She wants to give you this. This hasn't inspired you to fucking eat better? At no point take care of yourself enough to get penetrated in your ass. I mean, apparently I just don't have to. She's going to milk me whether I'm as big as a building or as tiny as a Jew. That's so upsetting.

Well, I don't know what the last part of that sentence meant, but it is insane that you met this woman. I know. It's absolutely insane. It's great. It's great. I just, yeah, I don't know. Maybe I should milk down. I mean, what are you, how much is a cup?

I'm trying to milk down. What's up? How much do you fill up? Oh, man, I'd say at least, I mean, a quarter cup? It just keeps shooting? It just keeps shooting, dude. It just lasts and lasts. Oh, God.

What's happening to you right now? I actually have to. He's reminiscing. I'm having memories. I'm having wonderful memories What happened to your apparatus? Why is it not still around? It got lost inside of him

Who gives a shit? I never want to think about any piece Plastics No Silicone, Ben Silicone should never have been invented Why not? Because it was inside of you

Yeah, that's true At one point And that's enough fucking reason for me Not at one point A number of times You're disgusting. Well, I'll tell you what. If I ever end up getting milked,

I'll give a full report on the round table of gentlemen. Please. Never mention it. Absolutely. I want to compare notes. Yeah, she sent me a link to a milker that she was interested in, so we'll see if we'll get it.

She just wants a woman back. She wants a pussy. And your butthole is the only thing that could possibly suffice next thing you know she's gonna want to fucking staple elephant ears on your asshole to make it look like a labia i mean it's disgusting don't she's a lesbian holder let her go when she makes me wear wigs and puts lipstick on me and puts dresses on me yeah that she's trying to have a lesbian experience yes okay moving on so gross I got a story from Australia my alter ego's name is Cheryl the funeral of an Australian human rights lawyer was interrupted The funeral of an Australian human rights lawyer was interrupted Thursday

when a man with dementia stole the hearse that held his body. Funeral directors were preparing services for Seth Richardson, 52, just west of Sydney, when a man quickly took control of the hearse containing his coffin and body. Richardson's sister-in-law said one of the funeral guys who works for the funeral home went out to the hearse to grab the trolley to put it under the coffin, and in a split second, this guy jumped out of the bushes, jumped straight into the hearse, and started it up. Can I just say this?

When I die, that's how I want to go. I want the hearse that I'm in the back of to get stolen, and I want the guy to drive it Until the cops shoot the fuck out of it And does he have to have dementia like this guy had? Well naturally Because he's going to have to be willing to die I want to be turned into a bionic skeleton Yeah

Just take my skeleton You don't have a skeleton now Take my skeleton and put machine parts on it And make me move around Put me in fucking Disney World I don't care Cool can we put things over the skeleton? Yeah, like a helmet? Like a weird... And then more like if we want

to put you in the Hall of Presidents, can we make you like Abraham Lincoln? Oh, yeah. They'll know it's me, though. I've got very particular bones. Is that pronounced chin of yours? Yeah, exactly. Doctor won't take x-rays off me. Give some nightmares.

I have to pee. Well, police arrived moments later and apprehended the subject, who turned out to be a 49-year-old man with dementia who had wandered from a nearby nursing home that morning. And this had happened in the afternoon, so he had been wandering around for quite a while before he decided to steal the hearse. It's bad management.

It's bad management on the part of that nursing home. Yeah. It's a long time to be away from that nursing home. That's the thing. Missing some pills, missing some... Missing a lot of pills, probably. I can't imagine he's that capable. You know what I mean?

Like, this is the dude. Like, he's not, like, jumping over fences and fucking... But maybe his dimension is that he watched a lot of James Bond movies and shit back in the day. So he's just like,

he flips on that switch. He's hiding behind the bushes ready to steal a fucking hearse. Like, he thinks that was him. He's like, that's in his head. He's reliving that shit. He's like, I did that.

Yeah. That's what I'm at. He was on the loose for 30 minutes in the hearse before they caught him 30 minutes that's pretty good how do you miss a hearse driving around that's been stolen a lot of those in sydney it's hashtag bond swag man he was there he's got it man i fucking understand there was a moment of confusion when Richardson's brother, Tobias Richardson,

told police that a man took a car containing his brother's body. After indicating it was a hearse and that Seth Richardson had already been dead, Tobias Richardson tracked the driver down and blocked him at a cul-de-sac. So it wasn't the cops that caught him. It was the guy's brother. Vigilante justice. Yeah, because the cops didn't really give a shit. They're like, the guy's dead already.

Like, whatever. Like, they'll get didn't really give a shit. They're like, the guy's dead already. Like, whatever. Like, they'll get back to him. We'll figure this out. People are fucking dying of heroin overdoses in Sydney right now. More pressing issues. And the cops shot the dude, Dimitri? No, no, no, no. The brother-in-law, or the brother just blocked him in a cul-de-sac.

Oh, I thought he got shot after that. No, no, he didn't get shot at all. No, it had a very peaceful ending. Why do you assume that everyone who has, well, okay, that's probably, a lot of people assume that anyone who has an interaction with a cop gets shot these days. Yeah. But, nope, this was Sidney.

It's fine. Well, no, no, I zoned out. I remember Ben saying. You know me. Oh, yeah, so they killed him, right? this was Sydney. It's fine. Well, no, no, I zoned out. I remember Ben saying... Oh, yeah, so they killed him, right? They shot him. They shot him. They stabbed him in the chest, right, after we did Thanksgiving? Would that be the way you would want the whole thing to finish with your funeral?

The guy gets shot, too, so you're two dead people in the hearse? I don't care what happens to him. I'm dead. No, not in yours. In this one. Oh, that one, I was in the bathroom. By the bathroom, I mean taking a pee outside. You heard about the man with dementia.

He was caught eventually. The brother tracked down the hearse. Okay, now to recap. I had to because the bathroom was all full. I told him I had a show to do. Oh, my God. You pissed. I think you purposely pissed outside more, though, than you pissed inside.

Peeing outside is fine. Yeah. You pissed on the patio? No. Let's move on. Good God. You can't pee on the patio, baby. I didn't pee on the patio.

It smells like you peed on the patio. What's a patio, man? Isn't that right near a kitchen? Yeah, but there's also fucking lizards out there, man. Yeah. Snails. Raccoons. Frogs, whatever, man. Well, whatever. I came back safe. I'm lizards out there, man. Yeah. Snails. Raccoons. Frogs, whatever, man.

Well, whatever. I came back safe. I'm on Ben's side, dude. Thank you, Kevin. Yeah. Good God. No, so the dementia guy. Yeah, I know all about it.

Yeah. What's the question? He's dead! There's no question. Oh, my God. The guy got dead. All right, fine. Oh, my God.

He got shot to death brutally by the cops. Yeah, the cops shot him 43 times. He didn't finish reading Brutally By the cops Yeah the cops Shot him 43 times The rest of the story Yeah The dementia guy Got shot 43 times Yeah

Yeah That's a lie No you didn't get shot The brother tracked him down Trapped Blocked him in a cul-de-sac And eventually He just

Got all confused Got confused And wandered out Got back to the nursing home And was like Oh Alright I love that movie The Dream Team Remember that one Marcus Yeah I love that movie It's a hell of a movie Got confused and wandered out. Got back to the nursing home and was like, oh, all right. I love that movie, The Dream Team.

Remember that one, Marcus? Yeah, I love that movie. It's a hell of a movie. Dream Team. Yeah, Michael Keaton's in it and the fat bald guy's in it. Yeah, there's a bunch of mental patients trying to go to a Mets game, but it gets all wacky. Those are trying to go to a Mets game? Yeah.

At this whole point? I think they were trying to get to it. Yeah, they decided we're going to a Mets game. Do they have a bunch of dreams? They did. Okay. You fucking jackass. Well, I don't know why I'm getting called that.

I will say you said that to Kevin, and Kevin, you should be upset. It wasn't to me, man. No. No. All right. That's fine, then. The eye contact wasn't there. No.

Directed at you. All right. Next story, Marcus. A two-year-old Belgian Malinois dog was supposed to be the ninth member of the police force in the Oregon coastal town of Cannon Beach, but Cash just didn't have what it takes. The dog was dismissed from the force before... And was shot. Right?

Now? 47 times. Sad. The dog was dismissed from the force before seeing any action or gaining any glory. Cash was skittish, afraid of heights, and had a barking problem. Noises would scare him, and when he had to jump on

a counter in search of drugs, he showed too much resistance. He would often bark aggressively rather than go straight to the drugs. That's the best police dog ever. Whenever I encounter a canine unit, I want it to be that guy. I want it to be that skittish dog who can't really figure out what the fuck's going on. I don't think they need a canine anyway.

There's eight officers on the police force in this town to begin with. Yeah. They just wanted a dog. Yeah. Yeah. Well, they got one. He does all the normal shit any other normal dog would do yeah it's too much pressure on this dog and then to fire him i think it's rude well his former uh

handler officer josh gregory said they're looking for a quote ball crazy happy wanting to work dog ball crazy what kind of gay police force are we talking about here? Ball crazy. That was a direct quote from Officer Josh Gregory. So what'd they do with this dog? I mean, they just gave him back to the pound. Oh, he's dead. They killed this poor dog. I'm going to be the kind of dog they want when I turn 60.

You want a ball crazy dog? He's ball crazy. A little bit of a callback to the earlier part. I'm sure Gerbil's going to be involved and there's going to be Michael Douglas-like rumors flying all about you. Well, think about the crazy milk machines that'll be going on in 20 years from now,

30 years from now. Oh, man, we already talked about the blowjob-o-matic. What? Remember the blowjob machine that we talked about a few weeks ago? Oh, yeah, yeah. Blowjob machine. Don't worry, you can plug it into the wall, but it's safe. You know what?

I don't trust you, sir. No, Gallagher ruined anything o-matic. You know, sludge-o-matic, blowjob-o-matic. I'm not trusting it. There's no way. Officer Josh Greger also said about training the dog, we basically learn how to dance together. But the dog failed him.

No, he didn't learn how to dance. No. Skittish. Afraid of heights. There's nothing happening in this town. There's only eight cops to begin with. Why don't they just have a dog? Well, they're searching for a replacement.

No, I know, but I'm saying why don't they just have a dog? Well, they're searching for a replacement. No, I know, but I'm saying why don't they just have a friendly dog? Or a frog. And that dog could be the assistant of the new dog that they get. Yeah. Sure. Yeah. And maybe the new dog can teach the old dog. If they got a squirrel that was good at it, it could kind of get into houses more easily. Squirrels are very good at

detective work. Yeah. Rescue right? Squirrels are good detectives. Yeah. Everybody knows that they have a high protein nut diet and they look good in little caps. Yeah, it's true. I was thinking rescue rangers, but is that chipmunks?

That's chipmunks. Squirrels and chipmunks are like Dominicans and Mexicans. Do not get along. Although, to the naked eye, we think they're the same. Don't ever call a squirrel a chipmunk. Chipmunk, you fucking ass going to lie. Although, to the naked eye, we think they're the same. Don't ever call a squirrel a chipmunk. You're going to get your fucking ass handed to you. That is rough. Oh, my God.

Say goodbye to everything that you ever thought was important to you. Say goodbye to your nuts, that's for sure. Cracking those open. Ball crazy. So the dog's been murdered. The man's been murdered and the dog's been murdered and everyone's dead. It's been a very depressing podcast so far. It's almost done.

Unfortunate endings for all. Can the police stop shooting people? No. They love to do it. That's why they have guns. Yeah, they do have those guns. They've got to use them. Did Michael Jordan not use the basketball when he played in the NBA?

Did he use the basketball? He did usually. Oh, okay. I thought he didn't use the basketball. I don't know. I don't know who he is. Yeah, well, that's a whole other more serious problem in America. That's really what it is, man.

We should give cops basketballs. You can throw it at somebody's head really hard. Hey, what are you doing? Oh, my fucking eye! But then they would just ruin it, man. We need to give them flippers and some shit because people don't really care about swimming. Yeah, that's true. You like foot flippers?

That's going to take their mobility down quite a bit. Probably not bad. Exactly. So cops need to dress like scuba divers and and scuba divers need to dress like cops. Exactly. Think about watching scuba diving if it was there dressed like cops. It would be so much more interesting. I mean, it would really make what they do much more of a physical feat.

But the fish getting shot up all over the place in the deep sea. Oh, it would be sad. Sharks would be so upset. We got plenty of fish, man. I've seen that shit in cans. Yeah, that's true. It's at Walmart, man. Jesus Christ, there are cop scuba divers.

They're tactical scuba divers. Yeah, of course. Look at this horrifying man. My uncle was one for the NYPD, actually. Let's see. Real talk. Yeah, but they save people. Real talk right now.

But they're good. They save people from drowning. They're not killing people in stairwells. He was a tactical scuba driver? He was an emergency service unit, so he drove those big fucking trucks that you see driving up and down. They're like SWAT. It's like NYPD SWAT teams.

But he didn't do much of that. He did a lot of fishing people out of the East River on, you know. Dead people. Jet skis. Yeah, mostly dead people. And he's a really happy guy, though. So it's like when they had a floater, it's like, we got a floater, call Tamberelli.

Yeah, pretty much. Derby, but it's cool. It's the Irish side of my family. That's when he has freckles and red hair. I would like fishing for bodies a hell of a lot more than I liked fishing for fish. Spalding Gray. He was there when Spalding Gray turned up. more than I liked fishing for fish Spalding Gray he was there when when Spalding Gray turned up

Spalding Gray is a phantom I know it sounds like one right Spalding Gray was in he's in a bunch of shit he's an old actor he did a lot of like one man take it to the dog and that weird David Byrne movie true stories he's in that funny insurance

brokerage oh I love that he's in that. Funny Insurance Brokerage. Oh, I love that. He's in that movie. Oh, he's also the African studies teacher in How High or in one of those late 90s stoner movies. How High or? Oh, no. Yeah, the one with Method Man and Redman. How High.

How High. That was a great movie. I watched that like a couple weeks ago. Still holds up. The greatest MTV Cribs of all time is Redman. Redman's best. I saved my money. I saved my fucking money.

That's PlayStation 1, I think. It was the most recent. Totally normal house. He's just like, that's right, I saved my motherfucking money. Dirty clothes just everywhere. He's like, I got's right. I saved my motherfucking money. And it was dirty clothes just everywhere. He's like, I got this shitty. I don't give a shit. I got, you know, he's like, I got money in the bank.

He's a genius. Oh, that's so good. He's got it, too. He still has that money. That's right. I guarantee he doesn't live in that house any longer, but he definitely saved his money. Dude, I was jealous of that house, too. I see all the mansions and the other ones, but, like, man, I would love to just hang

out and play PlayStation with a red man in his shitty house. Right on his bed. So he just smoked weed and just rolled over and just started playing. I was like, oh my God. I can't believe I'm sitting on red man's bed right now.

Oh, it would be unbelievable. Best Cribs of all time. YouTube it. I don't even know if it's on YouTube, but Red Man Cribs is the greatest thing that's ever happened.

He figured it out, man. Yes, he did. The thing a lot of dudes like, they'll buy like a nice house because they're like, they don't want to bring a chick back and the chick be like, oh, this is where you live? But it's Redman. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's going to be like, Redman. It's great. You live in a shitty house. They know what he has. It was like Birdman's house was like, there was a hot tub in the middle of the living room and shit. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

It was fucking ridiculous. That place, I mean, he spent every dime he had on that fucking crazy stupid house, you know. Immediately. Birdman? Yeah, Birdman. The rapper. You forgot about property tax. Yeah.

He just had a hot tub in the middle of the living room. Jesus. Yeah. Yeah. Fucking Redman's Cribs. It was actually very important, I think, for every kid to see it because it was a great lesson. This is how you do it lesson in how you actually be rich. It's not a PS1.

It's a Dreamcast. Oh, a Dreamcast. Oh, my God, a Dreamcast. You're playing fucking Jet Grind Radio. Wasn't it the 90s, Marcus, or early 2000s? I think this is the early 2000s, yeah. Yeah, man, Soul Calibur. Fucking.

Oh, Soul Calibur's badass. Sonic Adventure. We've got. He's showing his herbal essences in his shower. His tiny little kid in the bathroom. That's how you smell good. You put the herbal essences on. Oh, he's so fucking cool.

I love it. That's the key, man. He's got awful carpeting in every room. Oh, yeah. Shag carpet. Beautiful. It's filthy. Montclair, New Jersey. Yeah, yeah. Shag carpet. Beautiful.

Montclair, New Jersey. Yeah. Shitty house packet with stuff. You know? He had a shitty house, but if he wanted to buy some dope cheese, he got that shit. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I think he's got, like, lamps from Target in here.

Yeah. Yeah, that's great. Save your money. Yeah. He's a genius. So awesome. Anyway. Yeah. What were we talking? What was the story that led to the red man?

We were talking about the Oregon police dog. Yeah, all right. So he's a shitty dog. Well, he's a great dog. He's just not a fascist. No. You know, he's not a fascist militant military dog. He's a fucking dog.

He's a dog. That's it. Bottom line. Just a dog. He's a fucking dog. He's a dog. That's it. Bottom line. Just a dog. Cop dogs can be fucking brutal. Yeah. You know, I'm not sure. German Shepherds, man.

Oh, Ben, did you watch the Westminster Dog Show this year? I did. I watched it actually two days. Very fun, right? Monkey Dog. I love that. Monkey Dog. The commentators are hilarious.

Yeah, they're great. They were so funny. So funny. Almost like I was wishing that Fred Willard from Best in Show Fred Willard's character There was a guy like him But there was a guy just like him Making really funny puns

Isn't that why that movie is so good? Because they really do Just nail all the people who are there I think it might be my favorite Christopher Guest movie The Bloodhound won, right? I think the Bloodhound did win. The Monkey Dog won last year.

His name was Banana Joe. And the same guy owned a different Monkey Dog that won the Toy Dog competition. I want a Monkey Dog now. I love those Monkey Dogs. That's a breed of dog, Monkey Dog? Can you show them the Monkey Dog? When you watch the Westminster Dog show, there are occasionally...

There's nothing good that can come from that. There is occasionally a judge. There is occasionally a judge who spends just a split second too long on looking at the butthole. On the asshole, yeah. I'll tell you, get rid of this whole asshole shame. Groping it, grabbing it. There are dogs who probably lose because it's got one flappy piece of skin down there.

Is he just counting the wrinkles in each one? I don't know what they're looking for. If he's got more than 37 wrinkles around his asshole, he's got to deduct points. It comes into play because the attention on the butthole is, I would say, 15% of all the attention given. Maybe he looks at the butthole to see what kind of diet it has. Maybe. I don't know. I mean, hey, you've dealt with a lot of dog butthole doing your dog sitting.

You've had a lot of butthole. Sure. I know what a dog's butthole looks like. Absolutely. I'm not judging one dog butthole compared to another one. Yeah. It's just a butthole. But you can see a better butthole now.

Have you figured a dog's butthole? No. My friend has. Well, I would feel bad for that dog. Your friend, eh? The dog's gonna fail. No, no, it's not me, but for a friend. You know, sometimes dogs like to get their, you know,

the inside of their ears. You're talking about Mike Morata? No, I'm not gonna mention names, but yeah, it was definitely someone who was on. The older Pete from Pete and Pete. It was definitely someone who was on Pete and Pete. Whoa! I won't say who.

Could be crew or cast. I think it's cast. Might be cast. It might be someone that also has red hair and freckles. I'm not sure. That might be crew. But he was petting the dog. The dog liked getting inside of his ear scratched,

and he was at the dinner table just sitting there eating, and the dog came up by his leg, and he just put his hand down, and he started feeling for the ear hole. He got in the butthole and started diddling his butthole. You know what? The dog backed up into it. Oh, yeah. Well, he's getting milk.

He's super into it. He's getting milk. Well, I mean. Well, I hope it wasn't a traditional Muslim situation where you guys were eating with your hands or something. It was a one and done. That's great. But I think they both felt they got something out of it. He got a story.

The dog got his finger, butt fingered. I mean. Backed up in. Backed into it. Yeah. Backed that fat ass up. That's great. Well, he definitely figured a dog's asshole,

and he will never not be a person who didn't do that. Which is pretty great. I'm not going to say names. Yeah. For him, yeah. Iggy Pop. Oh, well, that's a good guess. I mean, I'm sure he fucking spent a small amount of time

in a dog's asshole one way or another. At some point, yeah. All right! Right in there. We'll say it was Amelia Estevez. a small amount of time in a dog's asshole one way or another. At some point, yeah. Alright! We'll say it was Emilia Estevez. You know, you worked with him on Mighty Ducks, so we'll say it was Emilia Estevez. Oh, yeah. I wouldn't do that.

He's still got a lot of pull. Does he? Alright, now it's time for a segment from Old McNeely. Ways to spend money. I mean, save it. That actually works really well with the red man thing, too. Yeah. So Marcus has normally been a million trillion billionaire, but recently he's lost his money,

and so we've got to come up with new ways to save money. My way is the socks on your feet. You come home from a long day of working hard and time for a poopy, right? But you don't need to buy toilet paper. Just take the socks off your feet, wipe your ass with that, and just put it right through the washer. How much do you think toilet paper costs? $20 a roll.

So you're saving $5,000 a month with my process. So there you go. You don't even have to quit smoking. You can still spend $15 a day on that and wipe your ass with your own socks. And you'll be a millionaire again. All right. I like it. Okay.

All right. All right. Well, yeah. I didn't hear this. Okay. All right. Well, all right. Well, yeah, I did not. So I didn't hear this. No, I got, you know, check this out though, man. It's like, I know how you save money, man. It's like, all right. We all know that everybody got a couple of birds that they got in their house.

Everybody got them. But you spending all this money on these seeds, running your water bill to fill up that cup. You know what I'm saying? My seed bill's out of control these days. At least $48 every four months. That's a lot of money. That's a lot of money. That's a lot of fucking bird seed, man.

That's a lot of bird seed, dude. Oh, I'm well aware. What you do is take a bat or a fist to that cage, right? Make sure it's not aimed at the bird. He's in the corner. Break that cage open. Even a basketball. Make it so the bird doesn't feel betrayed.

Set him on a table. Set him on a table. As you're playing a friendly game of basketball with your uncle. Yeah. In the apartment? Is it that old? Wherever you got to, man. of basketball with your uncle. In the apartment? Wherever you got to, man. It's about the deception. The ball hits,

the bird flies, and you are now free of your seed debt, and also you've inspired the children in your neighborhood. That's amazing. Yeah. That's really good. Let's see.

So cutting costs around the house. Yeah. Saving money. You've got a gas bill. You've got children troubles. You've got a refrigerator. You can make a medical problem and then get one of these government-given therapy pets. Scam the government.

Scam the government. Therapy pets. You have a therapy pet, and let's just say, oh, I'm allergic to dogs. I'm allergic to cats. Let's get a pig. That pig will last you, what do you think? Pig lifespan? Ten years.

Ten years. So you just start to slowly shave the pig and that's what you eat and then 10 years later you've got yourself a dead pig but it died of natural causes. It's all bruised up and scabbed and whatnot but you have free food for 10 years. By shaving the pig.

But what do I feed the pig? Well, have you well, that is one of those cans? Cans? Cans? Cans. I think dogs like, pigs like, goats like cans. Scratch the idea. What we're going to do now.

So we're taking the whole idea away. The whole idea is from a different idea. Saving money. Yes. Saving to save money. Saving money, making money, saving money save money. Saving money. Making money. Saving money. What do you want to do?

Okay. Let's just say that you go and you become a U.S. congressman. Okay. And you work your way up to be a U.S. senator. And then you work your way up to be the United States President of America. Mm-hmm. No more clothes are allowed. So then you're saving money on your clothes bill.

Free house stay. But how do I finance my campaign? Yeah, how do I finance my campaign? Scratch it. Let's do alright. You can't do wipe your ass with your own socks because I did that one. You already did that and that was my initial

idea. I know. I took it from you. And then Kevin's idea I thought was so good. Maybe how to save in the kitchen, right? You got food to cook. You pack a lunch. What do you do? Okay. You don't.

Danny, how do you save some money? I feel like I got a good answer. No, no, no. You can get back on your pulpit, bro. What you want to do is you have an amount of money that you have to spend each month. A budget. A budget, yes. And then you take that budget and then you put into the budget the things you need.

But then you get rid of the things you don't. And then you cut out the things that you don't need. And then the things you need, you keep. But the things you don't need, you get rid of. I was just watching Suzy Orman, so I think I know what I'm talking about. So it's all about budgeting. Can you afford it? Can you afford it?

Every time you go and buy a new shovel, say, can I afford it? Can I get a Dreamcast? If you can afford it. Okay. Yeah. But I would say you could probably get a GameCube. So Ben's thing is to make a budget. Live within your means.

Live within your means. And cut the things out. It's the most rational thing so far. The most completely rational thing. Make a budget and cut out the needless expenses. Or use your son. For Ben's situation, that's like ten-fifths of vodka, I think, a month. Yeah.

I ain't going to argue with that. Vodka is better than water because it makes you feel good. That's what the Russians do. Right. True. Danny? Well, I don't really think much about saving money because I just spend it a lot. Right.

And so I think instead of saving money, you should really just acquire more means of income. And, you know, you can do that a whole lot of ways, really. But it's not really your question, but I might just say it anyway. Yeah, I'd be open to hearing it. There's a lot of things you can do on the side. I lost a lot of money on Monkey Island. Well, you can sell your semen, honestly.

You can do that all the time. Think about all the money I've wasted on just jerking off into nothing. Ooh, that's what we'll do. Not the same sock that I wipe my ass with the same money. It could. It can be. Yeah, but, you know, infections, I'm not sure. If you want to save even more money.

I'm going to give it to you. Right now, you get paid $50, let's just say, every time you give blood. But let's just say they don't raise up your arm sleeve all the way, put a Capri Sun in there, have it Capri Red, and have them milk that out of you. What's a Capri Sun? A Capri Sun. It's a Capri Sun because it wears its pants wrong. Your accent is adorable.

Benny's adored. Thank you, Danny. So Danny's make more money. I mean, just try to make more money. You don't need to save money. If you're making more money, then you can live the way you want to live and do what you need to do. So your advice is to sell my bodily fluids.

I think selling bodily fluids... But fake the bodily fluids. I think that's the key. Yeah, the problem, well, I mean, you don't have this problem. You don't have this problem. Ben and I share, well, do you consider yourself a ginger? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, okay. You should see my pubic hair. They don't let you, they won't buy your sperm. No, they don't want us. Which is bullshit. Really? Which is some serious, like, sperm racism.

Women literally mark it off. I some serious like women literally mark it off they mark it off the list like what don't you want and it's always like like black dudes are like hey can we please can i want one of those and then it's like wealthy white dude and then it's like whatever and then redheads are just below native american sperm but the hot i think the hottest chicks are redheads that's what's so shocking to me. Well, because they're dying out. Yeah. You know. Well, it says one Cryos International, they say that they just have too much already because there's no demand for it.

They said our stock is about to explode. Like my cock. There's so many lonely redheaded dudes out there just jacking off into a cup a couple years ago, and then it just petered out. That is so sad. That is so sad. No market whatsoever. They don't want your cum, man.

Nobody wants it, man. Man. Nobody wants it. All right. Redheads are the cutest. I'm just going to go out there. Yeah. I wouldn't fuck a redhead, though.

No. I don't fuck my ass. Yeah, it's weird. Ginger's doing it. Ginger on ginger. There's very few of them I want to get with more, but a red-headed chick with a fat butt is the best thing in the world. It's incredible.

I agree. I don't know what's going on. Why are the redheads so demonized? Oh, my God. The red... I mean, I'm telling you, man. Redheads fucking chicks. It's so rare.

The men do look ghoulish. For the listener, hold on. He's staring right at me while he's saying this. Yeah. Well, we have good red hair. We have red hair that passes for brown. Like, we're nice. Sometimes, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. It's not that fire red. Yeah, not anymore. My balls are that fire red. That's what sucks. That's the same here, but gals can't get enough of it. Yeah. Yeah, they chew the pubes off.

They want to eat all the pubes. That's what I heard. Wow, it's true. Made of carotene, yeah. Just gives off this beautiful glowing aura. Makes the blowjob much easier. Oh, yeah, it's wonderful stuff down there. Oh, it's so bright down here.

It's great in the winter months. Yeah, I mean, Ben, you do have the most practical one. Thank you. Yeah. Very good. It's very practical. That's right. And Danny, I have done that before one. Thank you. Yeah. Very good. It's very practical. That's right. And Danny, I have done that before.

I have sold my plasma. You have sold your plasma? I sold my plasma for drinking money in college. Well, I tried, man. You tried? They didn't want yours? They wouldn't take mine. Why not?

Veins are too small. Ah. They love you. I used to do a whole stand-up thing about it. Like, look at fucking, you can see it right there, man. I can see your vein, though. How can't they get that? Because if they would have put a needle in there would fucking

rupture the entire vein oh wow all right holy shit no they put a i also got high blood pressure because just simply because my veins are too small jesus no they put a they put a plasma center right across the street from my dorm they knew what they were doing yeah uh and holding you know poop socks so i win no no no poops i mean and i have but i win i have wiped my ass with a sock before in dorm. They knew what they were doing. And holding, you know, poop socks. So I win. No, not poop socks. And I have... But I win the game. I have wiped my ass with a sock before in times of distress. Of course. Yeah, as we all have. Oh yeah, you're never

happy when you're doing it. I can guarantee you I've never done that. Really? Never. Huh. No socks have been in my butt. You can wipe it with your own mouth. What about your fingers? When it's itchy? Wrap up the episode because nobody wants to hear it anymore.

You can wipe it off with your own fucking mouth. Kevin wins? I think Ben, right? Oh, no. Kevin wins? I didn't know Kevin. But unfortunately, I don't have birds anymore. Wow.

I have no birds, so I haven't been buying any seed. Well, you know what, Marcus? You gotta spend money to save money. You gotta spend money to save money, Marcus! I've gotta go with Ben! Yeah! What the hell? I've gotta go with Ben!

That's just great, and what a wonderful choice you made, Marcus. Danny Tamberelli, thanks for being here, buddy. My pleasure. Thank me for doing it every week. Holden McNeely was here, Kevin Barnett, I'm Ben Kissel, and that's Marcus Parks, Danny Tamberelli on Twitter. D Tamberelli.

D Tamberelli, the fat boy Barnett, I'm at Ben Kissel, that's at Marcus Parks. Holden, check out the Murder Fist on Twitter. At Murder Fist and at Dining on Pussy. How many whys is that? 13 whys. Oh, my. There's more characters in my Twitter handle than there are allowed in a tweet. So you can never at me because there are too many characters.

That's very funny. All right, we'll talk to you soon. Technically, that's hilarious. For more shows like the one you just listened to, go to cavecomedyradio.com.