The Roundtable of Gentlemen - Episode 225: Goon Biscuit

Episode Date: May 5, 2015

This week on Round Table: a Bible thumper encouraged to jump off a ledge goes through with it, an NFL player takes no mercy on sick children during a Madden game, and an Australian man is facing jail time for exorcising vagina demons.

Hey everybody, just a quick update for you. The Roundtable, gentlemen, is now brought to you by Audible.com. Go to audibletrial.com slash roundtable for your 30-day free trial. Hell yeah, let's kick this pig, you fuckers! The Roundtable. Gentlemen! Hi! Let's broaden our minds! Lay out, gentlemen, and let them go watch what?

Fire at will! It's time for action, gentlemen. Gentlemen of the day, what's the topic of discussion? Civility, gentlemen. Always civility. Are they listening? Yeah. Homemakers, hey.

Oh, my God. Good. My Xbox gamer tag is SlugPuddle84 SlugPuddle? SlugPuddle84 They give you like an automatic gamer tag But it just works so well

I know I decided to dress like an actual black person Is it because of the march? Saturday's march. Eddie went to it. We'll talk about it. I marched. It was fun.

Did you march, Kevin? No, I didn't march, man. But you have all the red on. Yeah, I got the red. You're dressed like a black man. Like a blood. Well, yeah, I didn't even think about that.

Yeah, it's gang-related colors. I'm actually red and blue. I didn't even think about that shit. This is fucked up. You're breaking barriers. You're bringing people together. That's what it's all about. I got this coat, that black coat that I got tightly wrapped when up. You're breaking barriers. You're bringing people together. That's what it's all about.

I got to keep this coat, that black coat that I got tightly wrapped when I get back to my neighborhood. It's got tacos on it so you're going to be Mexican Mafia too.

There's so many things. It's all bad. If a blood or a crypt does try to shoot you, their gun is definitely going to jam because you've nullified all their looks,

all their colors. There's a lot of them in my neighborhood, man. I had a dream last night that I was stabbed to death. Maybe that was a premonition. Jesus, I hope colors. There's a lot of them in my neighborhood, man. I had a dream last night that I was stabbed to death. Maybe that was a premonition. Jesus, I hope not. No, I'm a comedian.

Oh, God. I have to pray. Here for Jesus. I'm praying to Jesus or whoever. I want to say two things. Number one, don't let Kevin get stabbed to death. I'm going to pray for Kevin's life. And number two, I've got a bad case of foot problem here.

I've got smelly feet, so I want me to be cured. That's my Christmas gift that I'm asking for. Amen. All right, welcome to the roundtable of gentlemen, everybody. I agree with everything about Ben's prayer. That was a really nice prayer. It was nice. I want Kevin to stay alive, and I want me to have feet that I can take my shoes off in places that are classy. You wanted

for Kevin first and then Ben. That's why I was hoping God would respect it. Well, it's like all the... It's like the beginning of a Christmas carol. Did you get visited by three ghosts last night? I farted three times. It's like every

pitch meeting where you go in, your first idea is like, I kind of want that. But your second one is really the thing that you need. See, now you're making it bad at me. Right. That's right. You know, I'm realizing Ed would definitely be the ghost of Christmas present. Totally.

If, you know, we were living in a Christmas film. You're a little absent-minded spirit. No, I'm a large absent-minded spirit. It was fucked up. I was recently in a Christmas Carol remake and I wasn't cast as that. I looked just like the guy. Oh, you are that Bob Cratchit? No.

He kept eating all the fruits and stuff. Yeah, I love it. He's a partier. Eddie's beard was cast as Bob Cratchit's pubic hair, which is kind of a fun thing. It was for Troma. It was for Troma. I was the Toxic Avenger he was present I was Toxic Avenger present

it was amazing to be that character I was the co-worker Marley well before we get into Marcus' news stories here what are you snickering about I don't like these people listening live I just got a

comment from Henry Zebrowski, actually. What did he say? Henry, what did he say? He said Ben's prayer was disgusting. What is happening? Henry is just talking about the barbecue sauce dripping from his beard right now. That's the only disgusting thing happening at this point in time. Henry should go out

and meet some people. Henry has no ability to be a person. You're a movie star. He's got all his money and all his notoriety. He's on the fucking internet listening to us talk. So sad. Talk about a fucking goon.

Mr. Zebrowski, how is it goon? How has your life changed since you were one of the stars of Martin Scorsese's Wolf of Wall Street? Well, listen to my friends from afar now. Fart noise. Fart noise. Fart noise, idiot.

Henry, that's an idiot. How's all that cheese you're sitting on, idiot? Leave him alone with the cheese. Everyone's got to have a fun cheese chair. He said, I ate barbecue today sitting on a pile of cash. I love it. Well, you should spend the cash. Yeah.

He literally doesn't understand how commerce works. So he's like, I got all the money, so I build a house with it, right? And you have to buy bricks with it, and then you build a brick house. You sound like a little pig. Ooh, hello. One of the three little pigs. We haven't introduced ourselves. Oh, right. Mark is just pointing around. But that's okay. We haven't introduced ourselves. Oh, right.

Margie's just pointing around. But that's okay. Jackie Zabrowski. No, she says it. You say it at the end. All right. Hi, I'm Jackie Zabrowski. Hello, Jackie.

I have a low-cut shirt on today because I had to buy a Christmas tree from the creeps that sell Christmas trees on my corner. How much was it? We got them down to $45 and a beer. With tits like that? Yeah. We got them down to $45 and a beer With tits like that? Yeah, and it was me and my female roommate

And we went out there And this is the guy you walk by with beer And he's like, hey, give me a beer, give me a beer I'll fuck ya, I'll fuck ya You bought a Christmas tree for us? It's so close Christmas is so dirty $45, six foot tree, I'm feeling great

Six foot tree? These people are selling the Christmas trees is that good that's great is that a good price totally he started at $65 I'm surprised Jackie

didn't get charged $90 with the shirt she's wearing I have a low cut shirt on I know did Lisa wear a low cut shirt too no she put lipstick on oh okay that's nice

that's good for her that shirt needs a modesty bib yeah lock on these breasts. I love your boobs. I'm Ed Larson. How you doing?

What's going on? Eddie, you were at the March on Saturday. You look great. You've lost some weight. The Eric Gardner March. I had a great time. I don't think you lost weight. Hashtag I can't breathe.

I was going to say that. You're not supposed to say it, but it was like a lot of fun. You had a great time at it. And you got your cardio in. I walked a shit ton of blocks. How had a great time and you got your cardio in. I walked a shit ton of blocks. How many blocks? Five miles. Five miles? Five miles, yeah. It was from

Washington Square up to Herald Square down the city hall. Wow. Right? Ten blocks is a mile? I don't know. I think so. It was a shit long walk, man. I know it was fun about screaming in the street. You can like, you see the street from the middle, you know, like you get to walk down like the yellow line

and just scream in the air and it's like, when are you going to get to do this again? And I think, I mean, it was a very interesting week, obviously. Holden, you're here. Do you want to do your ho before we get into this? Can I? Of course. No. You asked permission? You said yes. What kind of piece of shit are you?

People like the ho. Ho! Shove it up your nose. Interesting casting news about Henry. Peter Jackson just cast him in the new Lord of the Rings movie as one of the Hobbits' houses. Oh, I love it.

I thought he was going to be the ring. He's all covered in leaves and shit. I thought Henry was just going to be the ring. He's all covered in leaves and shit. I thought Henry was just going to be the ring. He has no lines. Because they're afraid if he speaks, he'll accidentally eat one of them. Yeah, and he's fucking empty inside. Yeah, drown in your money, you bitch's whore. There is nothing better than hanging out in Long Island City for the past nearly five years,

doing this podcast every Sunday as you watch your friend go out there and make a big star out of himself. But isn't that fun to make fun of him? It's all we've got. It's all we've got. Henry, come back. No, I'm just kidding. That's very funny. He's the house where all the hobbits live in.

He's the house where they live in. I legitimately thought I saw Henry at the bar just a few minutes ago, and I found out it wasn't him, and I got really, really sad. You should have known it wasn't him. A house can't move like that. You fucker. You fucker.

You fucker. I was like, that's your job, you fucker. A house can't fit in a bar. You hear that, fuckniggas? You were just looking at one of the pinball machines. Very wide and girth, of course. Henry says, that is funny. That is really funny.

Really funny stuff. Podcast is going well so far. Very good. All right. Oh, yeah. Kevin Barnett, a.k.a. Bert Lugo. Oh, I'm about to, tonight, first time ever, I'm going to buy some weed.

Marijuana. No. Is that why you're dressed like a gang member? Exactly. Is it because of your girlfriend? I'm about to, tonight, first time ever, I'm going to buy some weed. Marijuana. No! You're buying it, man. Is that why you're dressed like a gang member? Exactly. Is it because of your girlfriend? I'm trying to live a better life in the eyes of God. That's why. Oh, congratulations.

Where are you getting it from? Who is the guy? Tell everybody. Is it Brad? Yeah, who's the guy and who's his guy? He's a real nice guy, man. We're friends, you know. I got his phone number.

Wow. Wow. Yeah. You guys are Google chat friends and stuff like that. Have you been anxious? Is that why you're buying it? No, no, no. Check this out, man.

I read this article. I got sleep apnea, you know. Bad. So I read this article a while back about how, you know, if you smoke, if you get high a lot, it can lower your sleep apnea.

And apparently, that shit works. I'm getting really high before going to sleep, and I just have not been snoring or anything. Okay, right. Sleep apnea is when your breathing gets cut off. You're snoring crazy, and then your breathing gets cut off. You could die, actually. You could die. You could be sleeping properly.

If I ain't scared, I'm out from the streets. That's what I'm saying. That's why I wear these colors. Well, you're from the farmlands. You used to subscribe to Horse Illustrated. Yeah, I am from the farmlands. You used to subscribe to Horse Illustrated. It's not a lot of land. You're going to get one of those farm kids.

You're going to get one of those masks? No, but fuck that. That's why I'm smoking all the weed. Because the masks are so uncomfortable and stupid. I agree. So you marched on Saturday, Eddie. And the weirdest thing, New York, it was the

strangest weekend. SantaCon was occurring the same day as an unbelievably important march for civil liberties against police brutality. On Saturday. I guarantee you more Santas got arrested than protesters. Oh, absolutely. I'm sure. Me and Cena were marching together and we yelled at every Santa Claus we saw.

That's great. We were just like, you suck, Santa Claus! Fuck you! Fuck you! And everyone loved it. Look at the people walking. If you have the audacity. Everyone hates it.

The audacity. That's the worst. Dress up like a jackass, drunk Santa Claus, and go ruin our establishments and litter our streets on the same day that the Eric Garner protest, or not even the Eric Gardner protest, but a protest about a larger issue about police brutality in general, and you're dressed like a jackass-y Santa. Oh, my God. Go fuck yourself. There's one black guy dressed as Santa Claus, and he was just like, open a newspaper, man.

He must have been fucking a very attractive white chick, and that's the only thing that's acceptable for that dude. I would have fucking marched, but there wasn't any marches going on protesting fucking Santa Con this fucking last Saturday. Oh, man. I tell you, that's what it became. The cops would have... If Santas would have got beaten up by all the protesters, no one would have done a thing. Oh, definitely not.

If there was a march against Santa Con, I would have fucking been there, man. In a heartbeat. I had one of my whiter experiences I've ever had. I was in the parade. That's the second whitest experience. Come on, man. It's a parade. It was the Eric Garner parade.

Do you remember that? They were like pig floats. Ryan Seacrest was there. He was hosting the event. A lot of balloons. A lot of balloons. Rageacrest was there. He was hosting the event. A lot of balloons. A lot of balloons. Yeah, yeah. Rage Against the Machine performed on the float. Oh, it was so fun.

Like, Deedam and Zell was there. Yeah, the, whatever, Dick Clark, he gave the countdown with his little. He's dead. He's dead. All right. No, but I had to go to the Sprint Store, which is on Fifth Avenue. It was on 18th Street, so I was in the protest for the eight streets that it took me to get to the Sprint store. And then I bowed out.

But I was loud while I was in it. So that was my white experience with the event. Man, it's just so much fun to yell like that. Yeah, it looked like everyone was having a very nice time. It seemed great. Did anyone die? I don't think it was just totally cool. It looked like everyone was having a very nice time. It seemed great. I mean, did anyone die? Did anything... I don't know.

I think it was just totally cool. I think it seemed pretty successful. Apparently at the end... It was a SantaCon, though, I bet. Well, that's what I'm thinking. I'm just saying the combination of the two events, I figured somebody had to die

on Saturday. It dropped off, and then by the end, you started seeing them in the march, all the Santas. Yeah, I saw some pictures. A lot of Santas joined. Saw some pictures of March and Santas.

Which is kind of aggravating. They were guilt ridden, man. They were just broken. Everybody's yelling at them all the time. They decided to believe in something. What's wrong with that? Fucking throw them down and drag them 20 blocks. Jesus.

That's what they're for. We're protesting Physical abuse When I see a man Wearing a red suit I shoot Yeah If the cops Were killing

Santa Claus I had a dream About getting shot Last night He's got a red hat on He's got a red jacket on He's got red fucking shoes on Didn't even think about it man

Don't look at him Eddie Please don't look at him. Don't kill Kevin, Ed. Not tonight, man. Kevin's alright. Kevin's on the good list. Man, I've been fucking snoring lately, man.

Are you saying Kevin's one of the good ones? Of the Santa Clauses? Yes. Of the Santa Clauses. I actually got called one of the good ones from a black dude at a deli the other day and I felt very happy about it. You know what? I would take it as a compliment.

Oh, it was great. What brought on the compliment? Courtesy. Just like being a normal, nice, huge... I'm a huge dude. So people are just like, he's got to eat me. And then I'm just like, excuse me. And they're like, you're one of the good ones. So that's all it takes for me. Being big's good, man.

You have to be polite when you're big. Because, yeah, you can't just go clubbing around. You can't club everyone that's in your way. It's not the Viking era anymore. So we've adapted personal traits that make us likable. Doesn't that frustrate you? You would have been considered a god in another time. I would have been murdered immediately.

No, yeah. You would have been a gladiator. I would have been strung up and quartered. Yeah, they would have killed me. I would have been a Tsarina, though. Oh, you would have been one of the best princesses around, Jackie. I would have just been like fat, so pasty white. Like, give her all of it.

Give her a kid that doesn't stop bleeding. I think I would have been drunk till dead. You mean like now? I'd have been a czar's fluffer. Yeah. Right before he goes into the whores. Fluff them up. I'd have been that guy.

Oh, God. I feel like you're the, whatever the fucking dinosaur is that kills Newman in Jurassic Park. Yeah, yeah. The Dilophosaurus. Hey, little guy. Hey, little guy. Oh, that's nice. So gross.

You didn't say the magic words. Spit that fucking horrible goo. Yeah. Man, that's the best part of the jurassic park ride they have those guys that shoot water at you randomly and it's like you motherfucker no i can't i can't do that anymore my parents got the doctor to remove my second throat so that was the one that shot the goo out because they were sick of, you know, my mom was sick of breastfeeding me and having a bunch of fucking just goo slime. Right, dripping down your mother's breast there. All right, Marcus. Secret of the ooze.

Well, that's a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles sequel there. All right, Marcus, we have some news stories. Well, when you play video games with sick kids in a hospital, you're supposed to let the kids win. But Dallas Cowboys star Orlando Skendrick must have missed that memo. Well, when you play video games with sick kids in a hospital, you're supposed to let the kids win. But Dallas Cowboys star Orlando Skendrick must have missed that memo. The quarterback was so competitive during his visit to a children's hospital that he used every trick in the book to beat some poor child at the Madden NFL game, according to teammate Justin Durant. Justin Durant, here's a couple of tweets from Justin Durant.

That's so funny. This is one of my favorite stories I've ever heard. The first tweet, Scandrick played a kid in Madden at Children's Hospital and hit him with a surprise onside. I mean, the surprise onside is cancer.

Like, how is God being like, onside kick, it's cancer. And then this jackass goes in and hits him like Sean Payton for the New Orleans Saints. Like Sean Payton did for the New Orleans Saints to win the Super Bowl a couple years back. I love it. And Justin Durant's second tweet, he was winning and he's going for two. Amazing. That's great. Brad's second tweet. He was winning and he's going for two. Yeah! Amazing! That's great.

At least this guy is teaching them a real life lesson. They kick it, man. You're going to get beat, you're going to get beaten, and you're going to die. That's the Dallas Cowboy way. Yeah. Unless you win. I mean, you know, the kid should have gone in there with a little bit more of an intense attitude and tried to win the game. But also, if he didn't win, the kid wouldn't believe in their prowess of football anymore,

right? That's a good point. You want to play against them. You have to make them believe. Now, you guys, Holden and Kevin, you guys are video game nuts. I watched a 30 for 30 about Boston College, the point shaving scandal. Very interesting. How would you even lose at a

video game? How do you purposely lose? Can you throw a fight, Kevin? You go into one of these hospitals, these kids want you to win. The kid wants to win, but you want to obviously win, but the kid's got cancer. He's wearing one of those caps, he's all bald. How do you lose? The kid's got to learn that, honestly,

cancer is a distraction. If he wants to get ahead in life he's gonna have to figure out how to get rid of it or stop thinking about it these are the lessons that we're teaching these kids and skandrick talks to espn about this god there's so many quotes he said he said nothing's going to be given to you so I don't think I should have given him anything. I made him better if anything. I agree. I wasn't teaching any lessons but

when you play a competitive game you've got to expect to be competitive. Kevin, your thoughts on that? That's 100% correct. He continues. He said if they didn't want you to go for two and a kick on side kicks, it wouldn't be in the game. You want to turn them off? They're the option.

You turn them off. I agree with everything you said. It's fantastic. I love this guy. Someone had to do it. I mean, it is a little bit like if they didn't want me to drive drunk, why would they put cup holders in the car? I mean, it's a little bit like, okay.

If you throw the game, the kid's going to know. He's going to know. And it's going to make him sad. Or very happy. The kid is dying, right? Man, nah. If he's happy, he's a fucking idiot. He's a child dealing with a life crippling disease.

No, but that's the problem, man. He's teaching him. If you can't beat Madden, you can't beat cancer. That's an obvious one. Yeah, that's true. That's a good point. And guess what? You lost at Madden.

Oh, my God. And he continues his defense. He says, sometimes you might be playing an intense Madden game, and you might have to steal a possession. Sometimes you might not be able to stop the other team or it might be hard for you to score points. So I had to see if I still have my onside kick. I wanted to

see if my two-point plays were good enough in a heated game. You gotta try them sometime. So he used this guy as practice. He said, you don't have a practice for Madden, so you got to practice when you get up. Oh, my God. That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard.

I love this guy. Do we know the diseases of the children that he played? Cancer. Was it all cancer, kids? I mean, it's children. They're at a children's hospital. I'm sure there's some burn victims there. It's just a catch-all for children's diseases.

That's good. You know, it's the holiday season. You know, he gets in there. It's like, he's not Santa Claus. He fucking went, you know. He went and he showed up. He talked to him, you know. But he beat him at Madden.

How much does this man have to give? I might say it's slightly worse than what Aaron Hernandez did, who only killed three people. At least he never beat a cancer kid at Madden. We don't know that. We don't know that. I'm going to say this about competitive video. I wouldn't play Madden.

I'm not like a sports dude with video games, but I would play Street Fighter, and I have never thrown a game of Street Fighter. No, you can't. Never. And if I went, oh, okay, I won't be Ryu this time. I'll be some dude I'm like shitty at. Kid would get pissed. He would. Yeah.

Yeah, no, that shit. To Street Fighter, I don't know. That's the same way. But fighting Holden in Street Fighter is so aggravating. They don't invite me to your hospital. That's what we're playing. I know. I don't invite you to my house. I know that much. Yeah, you're fighting Holden in Street Fighter. It's what we're playing. I know. I don't invite you to my house. I know that much. You're fighting

and holding and Street Fighter's aggravating until you fucking beat him. Because me and Holden are pretty evenly matched. I'm a Balrog guy. Yeah, you fucking earned that shit. Balrog? Yeah. I am good as shit with Balrog. Dude, I am fucking... All y'all say Balrog, I say Balrog.

Who's right? That's a great question. I mean, none of you are because you guys are playing a bunch of bullshit. But Kevin, you were saying. No, I'm the same way as Holden. I don't really play any sports games. A street fighter is religious. And I know a dude, this dude, West in college, was so crazy about street fighter,

the guy literally kept a joystick in the trunk of his car everywhere he went just in case there was some Street Fighter going on. It sounds like you put it up his ass. Going to school, going to parties, all this shit. Was this guy written by John Hughes? This seems like a Breakfast Club character to me. He's in the Marines right now. He's crushing that shit. He's not letting nobody win.

That if this guy who keeps a fucking joystick in the trunk of his car had to go play some fucking sick kid, you think he'd let him win because he's dying? No. It's ridiculous. A kid can learn battle after battle, maybe get to the point where they get a tie. And that's just the way it goes. And Henry says he should have organized an actual football game and started crushing some cancer pelvis. Oh my God, a talking house!

Holy Lord. Yeah! God, a talking house! Holy Lord. Yeah! That's great. Yeah! Across the country! That's great. Of course, that was a reference to what Holden said earlier about how Henry is the house for hobbits.

Yeah, what's that? Nothing. I'm just trying to validate the words there. Henry is the size of a house who can house hobbits. What's that? Nothing. I'm just trying to validate the words there. Henry is the size of a house who can house hobbits. So you agree. Everyone agrees that this man taught these cancer kids a lesson that they weren't already taught when they got diagnosed with a life- Life isn't fair. Yeah, it's not fair.

They've already learned that. Yes. And you know what? He could have defended against a fucking onside kick. He could have thought out. Yeah, go to the onside kick defense. At least we know he's not a cheater. Yeah.

He didn't throw the match. Yeah, he's never going to throw a football game. And hey, the Cowboys are 9-4 this year. That's right. So look at that. And they're 9-4 for a reason. They're losing the playoffs. If every single team that the Cowboys played was full of people that had cancer,

they would dominate. They would do great. If you hit into them, they'll just be like, oh, no, I'm sorry. I don't want to play the game anymore. Yeah, with the chemotherapy and everything. We're also talking about a football player coming to visit kids. I mean, he's competitive in his nature. He's an athlete.

You don't want to lose a game, get fucking Taylor Swift or some shit. And this guy is known for being competitive. Especially competitive. Even by NFL standards, he's known as being competitive. It seems like Michael Jordan would do the exact same thing. Michael Jordan would not let anybody

win. Carmelo Anthony would try to beat him, but he would lose. And that's the difference between Carmelo Anthony and Michael Jordan. So anyway, so the kids are fine. No, they're not. I'm trying to find an outcome for the story. They're going to die. They got beat by the NFL player. And the Cowboys are doing good. The Cowboys are doing good.

The Cowboys are doing good. There we go. The Cowboys are doing well. That's one thing about the story. That's what I got to do in 2015, man. I got to go to the dock and fucking see what my lumps mean. Is he going to read them like Braille? Yeah, exactly.

This says, fuck you, doctor. It's like, I think you have cancer. You grow it out? You grow it out like you're choosing to grow lumps. I need like a team of doctors to check my lumps and tell me whether they have fucking evil in them or not. They do. You don't need a team of doctors. There aren't enough gloves on the planet.

I need to get them all checked, man. What's in the ball? How do you check your balls for fucking shit? You just squeeze on them. Yeah, you sit on them a bunch. Yeah, no, your lumps definitely need to be checked. They put a little feather duster and kind of went, you know, but that just made me giggle. I feel like the

doctor's going to pull out one of those fertilized egg birds, like those birds that are fertilized, but they're still in the egg and people eat them. L also have hair and bone structure. In Vietnam, yeah. That's a street meat in Vietnam. I heard Vietnam never even happened, man. What?

Yeah, I heard it's just a big fucking lie. Is this from the protest? Yeah. Who were you talking to? Scruffy the fucking, yeah. Scruffy the vet. So he fought in Vietnam and he still thinks Vietnam is bad. No, no, he helps animals. Oh. Well, he's a great

vet and I hope he lets those animals win at video games. Alright, so the conboys are doing great, so that's a feel-good story. Alright. So, Marcus, what's the next one? A man clutching a Bible jumped to his death in South Africa after being encouraged by bystanders.

Eyewitness News reported that the incident happened late Thursday on the corner of Bree and Simmons streets in central Johannesburg. According to witnesses, the man climbed out of the fifth floor window and started reciting Bible verses. Times Live reported that onlookers started chanting, jump, jump, jump, just before the man jumped to his death. I'm all for it. At least my pet peeve is failed suicide attempts.

Yeah? If you're going to do it, do it. Don't go on the goddamn ledge. Have our fire department, have our police tie it up. Have the taxpayer dollars come and take you down. If you're going to jump, jump. Get done with it. He jumped.

He should have. I don't think, was he not planning on jumping and then they all like hated his readings that they made him jump? I think he was planning on jumping but decided to do a little bit of proselytizing on the way up. Everyone must have fucking hated this guy. Maybe he was like, you know those

guys, those street corner preachers that have sick PA systems? Everyone fucking hates them. Finally, yes! Today is the day! He's jumping. I just feel like with these last two news stories, like, maybe the world is starting to become like what we want it to be.

In a weird way, I agree with you. You're going on the ledge, reading the Bible, jump off it! You schmuck! Have you guys seen It's a Wonderful Life? What about it? What's going on with you, Jackie? What the fuck happened?

You keep acting like this. You're going to kick me off the show. It's just the Christmas spirit. I'm trying to have a little bit of positivity. But think about the Christmas spirit in this way. What he gave these people was the gift of splat. This man fall. That made so many people's day gift of splat. This man fall. That made so many people's day.

You're right. Fuck them. Jump. Jump. Jump. If any of you guys were on the ledge I'd say jump. Thank you, Jack. If I was on the ledge, you know what I'd go to the ledge to do? Jump. Because I have a purpose for my actions. I'd just walk off. Walk off. Just walk off. Don't even give anyone a chance to stop you.

Let your fall. Oh, hey guys. I'll see you later. Have a good day. I've thought about jumping off of buildings a lot, man. Oh walk off. Don't even give anyone a chance to stop you. Let your force go. Oh, hey, guys. I'll see you later. Have a good day. I've thought about jumping off of buildings a lot, man. Oh, man. Second story, just like, fuck it, I'll just leap down. Oh, but like how many... No, I'm talking about like dying.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, man. How many flips could you do? Spins, fucking cool-ass roundhouse kicks, all that shit, dude. If you can jump up and you fucking doing like a crazy like 3,200 degree spin, but the entire time you're dropping money. I'm talking about change. How cool would that shit look?

See, I just want to drop and just chew it on a big hoagie. That'd be great. Just gnawing on a big sandwich. Just loving it until the end. Or a hot dog. I saw, I saw, I remember when they made the trailer, I think it was for one of the Ninja Gaidens, or maybe it might have been Tenchu, back in PlayStation 2. Yeah, I know what you're saying.

And there was a thing where he jumped off of a skyscraper, but he was not trying to die. And he stuck his sword in the building, and as he was falling, the sword is slowing down his fall so that he wouldn't die. And the building like fucking split in half. And so I'm thinking, I could jump in the building, like fucking split in half. And so I'm thinking, that's cool. That's amazing. I could jump off this building, stick my sword that of course I'm going to have. I'm going to die.

I'm going to have a sword. And see, I know the building's not going to split in half, but see if it fucking works, man. And if it doesn't, hey, it was worth a try. I have no doubt that you're going to die

with a sword in your hand. And it'll have a dragon's head on the hilt. That's the most important part. If you were falling down the side of a building, the sad irony is the cops would have shot you 43 times by the time you got to the ground anyway. It's not right, Kevin. When I'm police, let's talk about police brutality.

Let's talk about it. Leave that shit at the door, man. Kevin is targeted by the police department. You're fucking horrible. I hate everything's your fucking horrible fucking colored sweater. It's white. It used to be white. Jackie's dad was an NYPD. That was white three years ago.

It's not white. It's cream. What am I getting yelled at for? That's why we're not allowed to talk about any of these things in my household. Jackie, was your father a racist cop? Yes, he was. Her father was the most racist cop was your father a racist cop? Yes, he was. Her father was the most racist cop. No, he wasn't. Yes, he was. Henry makes fun of

my opah. Their father used to play oompa loompa German music and they would face the speakers into the ghetto. That's what they would do, but he didn't do shit on anybody. No, it's not because the ghetto didn't want to hear Nazi music. I know we got those bootleg Nintendo games in Chinatown.

Oh, yeah. We also had Cable De-Frazzler or whatever the fuck they called. All that stuff. Yeah, we got all that shit from the mob. All that free shit. Paid us all off. But he didn't fuck with any. That's not what he did because he didn't want to do the paperwork, so he didn't give a fuck.

He didn't do anything. He was a great cop. He was a different bad cop. Yeah. He was actually a bad cop. Yeah. He was actually a bad cop. He literally was bad in this job. He was a bad cop like Holden's bad at insurance.

I can't believe they let me work there. Holden works at insurance. I just thought of this. My friend texted me this dude. He is a cop and for some reason friend texted me, this dude. He is a cop. And for some reason, he texted me today. Like, I want a shout-out on Roundtable.

This dude, we used to call him Negro Neil. Negro Neil O'Donnell. He's a cop. White fella? Yeah, he's a white dude. He asked for a shout-out on Roundtable. But his intentions can't be good. Where is he from?

He's from upstate. And he's a listener? Yeah. Does he call himself Negro Neil? Why are you surprised that there's he from? He's from upstate. And he's a listener? Yeah. Does he call himself Negro Neal? Why are you surprised that there's a listener? I just never thought we had any cop listeners, to be honest with you. Why would we have cop listeners? Why wouldn't we?

Yeah, why wouldn't we? I don't think they listen to podcasts. He loves the show. He's been listening for years. Negro Neal O'Donnell? How many cops we got out there? Is it Mick? Mick Cop, he's a Mick? Mick Cop?

He's a cop. It's implied. You're allowed to say Mick Cop. He's a Chippewa. Yeah. You're allowed to say Mick Cop.

If you're white and you're a cop, you're Irish or Italian. That's it. More Polish. Thank you very much. Oh, yeah. That's a couple.

Lieutenant Henry Zebrowski. I got another. I got a shout out to make out to Callum named one of his Pokemon after me. Motherfucker got evolved all the way to the final level.

Easy pussy piece of shit. I'm saying man. You are 32 years old. Holden. Are you really 32 years old? He's 32. Not yet. December 28th you fuck. You're 31? I'm 31 and I weigh

a ton. I don't know what I fucking thought. You've got dead frogs in your breasts. You're 27? Holden did point out a good fact about Jackie. Wait, I didn't listen to you. We were having our own conversation.

She sees frogs all up in her breasts instead of milk. Oh, yeah, she does. I'm going to squirt. They're going to spit at you. I got fly juice in my breasts. She's got eight spittoons in her apartment. $45 for a six-foot Christmas tree. Whenever she takes her top out, little tongues fly out.

Oh, my God. That would keep me hard for days. Well, it's the only way I bathe. I love those little tongues. She's very handy in the everglades. Well, it's the only way I bathe. I love those little tugs. She's very handy in the upper grades. Oh, she's great. Yeah. You heard of a bidet?

There's nothing like a Jack A. Have you guys ever used a bidet? Oh, yeah. I used to use Rockhart when I would visit. But don't. When I would visit my Omen Open Germany, I was in 6th, 7th, 8th grade, even in 4th grade. I remember sitting down, and Rockhart. Just got Rockhartth, 7th, 8th grade, even in 4th grade. I remember sitting down and Rockhart. Just got Rockhart immediately

and I jacked off right on it. I did the same thing at a hotel in Fort Worth, Texas. Kevin, you ever been on one? You know what one is, right? I think I may have seen one once. I'm scared of it. A bidet is a water fountain for your butthole. It's a bubbler for your butthole.

I am way down to try it. Never been able to have one. Definitely, eventually, one of the bucket list things is to have a bidet in my house. Really? Along with in-house movie theater. I want a urinal in my house. Yeah, that'd be nice. Man, for women, they have a front bidet, too. Yes.

The front bidet is awesome. You can make it heated, too. And I was at this guy's party. It's got to be heated. Man, you heat it. Front bidet for women. How old is that? What is it?

Can you describe it? I don't understand. It's a person named Roy, and they hire him. No, no. It shoots up in the front to, like, clean it out. Okay. So it goes out. There's, like, a lip that kind of goes out.

It's just like an outer extension that like comes out this guy had like a very intense were you at a party or something yeah our friend is all the girls at the party have like wet fronts of their dresses no they didn't i think it was just me i was the only one daring enough to try it i think it's hot girlfriend was japanese so they had the crazy bidet And man it's just hot stream of water On your clit I feel like there should be one of those Like a gold miners plate

When you do it Henry are you still listening Oh no he left He left after the last Fuck you Well he didn't go anywhere he was just dormant Somebody probably shut off a switch That's not bad didn't go anywhere. He's just dormant. Somebody probably shut off a switch.

That's not bad. Well, either way. So yeah, Jackie, you like that front bidet. The bidets are amazing. You gotta use one if you can. Another thing on my bucket list is an ice cream truck, but instead of ice cream, I dispense Luby. Ah, yeah. That's nice. Just gotta go around the neighborhoods. Any neighborhood. Any class or society.

Yeah. Just go around. Just like anybody. Hey, kid, need some Luby? Hey, mother of, you know, need some Luby? And they might. You know, mayor of the town, get some Luby? Yeah, you never know when someone's stuck in something. That's a good point.

And it's a big market, and you're going to be really successful at that job. I think so, because people, when you need Luby, it's random. Yeah. There's been plenty of times in my life where I needed lube and there was none to be found. Exactly. And I got the type that you can... You guys didn't have any boogers? Well, that was the most immature thing you've ever said, Ed.

What are you, a garbage pail kid? What is happening? Garbage pail was the greatest thing that ever happened to trading cards. Oh, absolutely. Did you collect it? I collected it until my father found it and beat the shit out of me and threw them all away. Remember when that was evil? You know, remember the one that had all the clips where they're kind of like a, not a,

where you close up. The character you're talking about? Yeah, the one that had all the clips on them, like the ones that you seal up bags of potato chips. Sure. Right? My brother recreated that on me. This is a real story. That's great. Clips on them, like the ones that you seal up bags of potato chips. Sure. My brother recreated that on me. This is a real story. That's great. I covered my entire body in those, those kind of clips that you seal up.

Right, right, right. It hurt like fuck, but after a while, your whole body went numb. And we literally covered my entire body in those. If you're a young kid out there, before memes, before the internet, before everything you thought was creepy and gross. There was a trading card company called the Garbage Pale Kids. Before Pokemon. Garbage Pale Kids

were the most disgusting trading cards ever. It would be like a kid with a rake in his back. Oh yeah, the kids were dead or living in a dumpster. Everywhere you wanted to be. Frederick Rake. Great names like Dottie Dribble, Connie Sewer, Starchy Archie, Pin Pinny, Tanya Hyde, Hanky Panky. Hanky Panky was covered in kisses and he hated it. He was actually a molested child.

As you get older, you realize how disturbing these images are. My father loved him, man. He would buy him just to look at him and he'd laugh and laugh. and older, you realize how disturbing these images are. My father loved them, man. He would buy them just to look at them and he'd laugh and laugh. And so when you look back, it's just like, you're an adult. It was the time of Mad Magazine. It was like, you just wanted

gross, weird... Kids used to get dirty shit. We had dirty cartoons. Candy cigarettes. Kevin, do you remember, you were a little bit younger, it was awesome. We had like dirty cartoons. They were used to be great. Candy cigarettes. Remember that? Kevin, do you remember, you were a little bit younger, but not really,

but remember the car, the page at the back of the Mad Magazine where you had to fold it and then you would see the image and it was always like Richard Nixon on the toilet or something like that.

Do you remember the fold-a-page? I don't remember. I mean, I know Mad Magazine, but I don't remember the fold-a-page. Oh, it was amazing. Oh, you remember the fold-a-page in the back? Are you going to your senior prom this year?

The folder page was phenomenal. Eddie, you remember it. I really don't. There was an A to a B. You remember this, Marcus? Of course I do. The back page, you fold it. You fold it.

It's called the folder. The one thing I was... Mad Magazine folder. I was an OCD kid, and I always got pissed with Mad Magazine for making it ruin the magazine. Yeah. Because I would keep them, and then all of the back pages were constantly full. No, you didn't have to do the full fold. You had to do the full.

No, you just had to kind of bend it. You didn't have to do the full fold. I didn't always do the full fold. Not always. You had Ted Bundy's picture when it was dead on your wall. Yes, I did. Going back now, I think I was too stupid to realize what it was. What?

Going back, are you sure? I think we give you one right now. I mean, I got my magazine all the time and I don't know what you're talking about. They don't come out anymore, right? The very back page had like an A to B thing and it would be one image and then you would fold it

together. You'd fold, you'd like each ends of it. And it would be one image, and then you would fold it together. You'd fold it. Each ends of it. Yeah. And it would be another image. It would be like a joke upon a joke. It was genius. The Mad Fulgham. It was genius.

Yeah, what political movement have politicians from both parties embraced? Which one? The flip-flop. The flip-flop. That's funny stuff. That's great. Mad Magazine was great. Either way, so this guy jumped off after he was reading the Bible and he jumped off a...

And allegedly one person in the building had tried to grab the man, but they failed. Obviously. Yeah. All right. That's not even a part of the story as far as I'm concerned. It doesn't matter. Why would you try to grab a guy? You bring it up if the guy did a good job.

But you know what? He didn't. So it shouldn't make the paper. You're just a couple finger movements away from pushing him if you try to grab him. So it doesn't matter. I'm happy the guy's dead. He seems like a lunatic. And obviously, everyone that was chanting him to jump was happy that he was dead, too.

And a hell of a show. Johannesburg's a big town, too. Oh, yeah. Yeah, so everyone must have known that he was a fucking asshole. What do you know about South Africa, Eddie? I mean, I love Johannesburg's a big town, too. Oh, yeah. Yeah, so everyone must have known that he was a fucking asshole. What do you know about South Africa, Eddie? I mean, I love Johannesburg. How? Why?

I mean, it's the capital of South Africa, so you know it's got to be big. Ryan, how many people live in Johannesburg? How many people? Can we just do a whole new podcast? 957,000. 957,000. That's a lot of fucking people, man. Can we do a whole new podcast? 957,000. 957,000. That's a lot of fucking people, man. Can we do a whole new podcast called So What Do You Know, Ed?

I know surprisingly a little bit. Surprisingly a little bit. It's shocking. God, man. Your poor SAT tutor. Oh my God, I drove him nuts. You had one? I took the SATs. I got a thousand. Your poor SAT tutor. Oh, my God. I drove him nuts. You had one?

I took the SATs. I got a thousand. They hired a tutor. I got a 940. Yeah! Don't you... Don't you get like a 900 for just like sitting down and being able to hold a pen? Thousands mediocre.

Yeah, no, that's not... There's a lot of people that got under 1,000. Yeah? Yeah. 1,000 is fine. What was I? 1,240, I think. Something like that.

Kevin, you? I got a 1,200. Okay, so that's good. I took the ACT. Yeah, so did I. What'd you get? Not great. Not great.

I've heard of that score. A not great? Yeah. Yeah. Where they just literally just write not great on the high F. I was in the throes of alcoholism when I was 17 because I started drinking at 12. And I would drink. So did I. But you know what?

What was your score? Well, I'm giving some backstory. I'm guessing 22. So, well, you know, what was your score? Well, I'm giving some backstory. I'm guessing 22. So, well, you're very kind. I'll tell you what, the highest score is 36. I know what the highest score is. But what happened was, okay, so I was drinking heavily the evening before the ACTs, and I called my friend Pete around 4 a.m., and I was crying because I was like,

you know, you're a dickhead. We're not friends. I ended up falling asleep at like 4 a.m and i was crying because i was like you know we're you're you're a dickhead we're not friends i ended up falling asleep at like 6 a.m and uh so i woke up at 9 a.m my father drove me reeked of liquor i reeked of i reeked of liquor my entire life you're a dickhead we're not friends and so i had my dad stop by the bakery before the act test where i bought three chocolate eclairs. And I love a chocolate eclair because they're full of custard. Is it eclair? Whatever they are. It doesn't matter. He's a Midwest.

Yeah, it's eclair. Eclair. Eclair. Eclair. And so I showed up to my test and I had slammed down two of them and then I had my third one in my pocket and I started eating the third one. As I took the test, I got chocolate stands all over it. Long story short, I got a 36.

No, you didn't. 19. But I got a 26 in reading, and I got a 26 in comprehension, and I got a 13 and 11 in math and science. So what did you get? That's what left me with it. Well, I got a good night's sleep the night beforehand. Okay.

I want to say I was drunk. I was violently drunk. I didn't ask it the night before one of the times. I don't remember which one it was. The second one, I'd imagine. The teacher almost did not accept my exam. I want to say that. Really? Yeah. Was it covered in chocolate?

She didn't think the scanner was going to go through. And some of it, I did do the tit thing. I was not taking this seriously. What did you get, Marcus? 29. Oh, that's a great score. Yeah, I got a 35 on the reading. Well, not taking this seriously. What did you get, Marcus? 29. Oh, that's a great score. Yeah, I got a 35 on the reading. Well, look at you now.

Doing great. Well, I know, but we're in the same room as well. By the time it was 1600, I got a 1520. What? Wow. Yeah. Keith Whitener got a Look at me now.

Keith Whitener got a 15, I think 80. For those that don't know, Keith Whitner, he was on Jeopardy. He won hundreds of thousands of dollars. Hundreds of thousands. He made it to the tournament of champions. He fought the robot, right? He is a theoretical physicist working for the government making super shields. And what did he get?

Are you allowed to say that? You might want to bleep out the super shield part. I think it's fine. I think it's fine. What did he get? Are you allowed to say that? You might want to bleep out the super shield part. I think it's fine. I think it's fine. What did he get? We're live, Holden. Oh, no. You fucked him and now he's he and his beautiful wife are dead. What if Kim Jong-un's listening?

I hope he is. What did he get on his SATs? I think a 1580. Maybe a 1560, but honestly, for Jackie to get a 1520, outrageous. That is outrageous. It's crazy that you got that high of a score. I think I ended up with a

1260 after taking it twice and whatever. You're very smart, Jackie. That's insane. I used to be a meteorology major. What happened? I fucking started drinking and joined Murderfest. Could you imagine Jackie as your weather woman once a week? And now I don't work for Dr.

It's fucking cloudy. I'm not a doctor. I'm fucking Jackie Zabrowski, the comedian, the second tier to Henry Zabrowski. You're not second tier to Henry. Everyone's equal with everybody. Someone said in the chat that you're a secret genius. How is she a secret genius? She's an obvious genius.

Yeah, right? It's the tits. It's the $45 Christmas tree, right? Yeah, that's right. Are people hoeing? No, no one's hoeing. Give me a hoe! Not right now.

Well, there's like a 20 second delay. So here in about 20 seconds, we'll probably get a hoe. Maybe get a hoe. I hope so. Fuck you. All right, Marcus. You get booed for Christmas. Yeah, boo Holden and everything that Holden stands for and his lumps.

We got two hoes. Frogs in her breasts. All right, Marcus, another news story. I said turn them into candle holders. Out of Australia, a former faith healer who used his so-called special powers to sexually assault a vulnerable woman has been sentenced

20 years after he committed the devious and depraved crimes. Omar Sheriff, now 67, told the woman in 1994 she had the devil in her body that had to be removed in a very strange way at his furniture factory. Judge Jane Patrick

heard Sheriff had the power and warned the woman 30 she would die unless he removed devils from her vagina. He told her he had seen her destiny and that quote oh yeah you got a big problem. Alright. You know everyone found out about this at a dinner party when she was just being all matter of fact. You know it's just like oh yeah you got a big problem alright you know everyone found out about this at a dinner party

when she was just being all matter of fact you know it's just like oh yeah I had the devils in my body once no a priest took them out yeah no he reached up in my pussy and then he took out all the devils you got raped that's what priests do to little boys

this is the thing Marcus and I were discussing this story before it's about sexual assault which is a very serious issue. But this man was charged about a decade after the event. And the woman believed him when he said she had devils in her vagina. And it seems like he actually believed that she might have had devils in her vagina. So he got sentenced to 20 years. So the question is, if a chick is dumb enough to get finger banged

because she believes that the guy who just told her that devils are in her vagina are actually in her vagina, and he also believes that devils are in her vagina, should the guy go to jail for 20 years?

Man, I would love it if I was in that situation. I would lie, lie, lie, say, yeah, I got devils in my vagina. It's not cheating. It's not cheating because I have to get

the devils out of my vagina. And then a priest just womp, womp, womp. I'm smiling. He's smiling. He wasn't a priest, though. He was not a priest. He was a shaman type. He's a shaman.

It's the same dick. It is. Medicine doctor? Sure, sure, sure. You ever see Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman? No. This is episode seven. She finger banged a bunch of people.

Well, Judge Patrick, who had read the sentencing remarks of that judge, said those trusting women had come to him like his first victim had, in distress and with marital or premarital issues, believing Sheriff had special powers. That judge, she said, had described Sheriff's claims of magic and religious rituals as, quote, humbug and nonsense. Judge Patrick told him on Wednesday that this is precisely the devious I agree. No more demons.

He is a fucking horrible human being at the same time. Hey, it's a shaman. You know, they're all kind of shitty. I feel like most of them are lying, but the ones that are not lying... I mean, we went to church at an interfaith store, you know, in the back of a 12-step store. Oh, okay. I meant

my fair share. You say a 12-step store? Yes. How does that work? It was two... It was a woman that referred to herself as a priestess and this guy named Eric and they run a 12-step store that in the back held 12-step meetings for all different

kinds of... What did they sell at the store? Self-help books and incense and trinkets to hold on to and shit like that. And in the back, I'm not saying I believe in it. I'm saying it's what I was raised in.

But a few of them believe themselves to be, you know, medicinal shamans. It's like, Hey, you know, you're not spending money on booze anymore. Give some to us.

I mean, it's pretty much what it fucking was. Oh, hey, you know, you're not spending money on booze anymore. Give some to us. I mean, that's pretty much what it fucking was. Well, in his opening, prosecutor Bill Stugianos said a friend of the woman whose husband had left her with five children told her Sheriff was a, quote, magic person and that in their community's culture, those with problems who consulted clairvoyance kept it secret. Mr. Stugianos said that Sheriff first assaulted the woman. He advised her next time to bring a bottle of Coca-Cola, eggs, and a lamb stomach. I agree with the lamb stomach. It honestly sounds like Henry Zebrowski's shopping list. That's perfect.

He then said if she gave him $500 He could find gold jewelry her husband had taken And told her Always Told her because he had the power The police could not touch him And when sheriff later led the woman upstairs

A door he could not open Did open when he quote Blew on the handle before he again sexually assaulted him. I mean, Jack, you just turn around and walk away when the guy's like, can't get it open. Maybe I'll blow on it and see if it does. I honestly, I feel like if can't get it open, I would try it myself.

He blows on it, it does open, that's when I leave. That's the creepy part of it. Right, right, right. Not the finger banging. I mean... I don't get finger banged by anybody. I just really, you know... Just fingers.

Yeah, just fingers. I mean, it would be technically cheating. Yeah, technically cheating. I guess it depends how big the fingers are. Yeah. That is true. If they're stout and fat like a sausage... It's cheating.

Then it's cheating. What about a hook hand? Also fine, as long as I don't bleed too much. But it's the long piano. You have to borrow the hook hand. That's how it's not cheating. If you borrow it, you take it home and beat off with it. That's the thing.

Beating off with a hook hand, that's rough. Naughty Peter Pan. It's time for a segment from Old McNeely. Ho, ho, ho! Marcus accidentally fucked Santa to death. And now one of us needs to be Santa Claus for the Christmas Eve night. What are you going to do on your night, you fucker? I don't understand what it is.

Yeah, I don't really get what this is. What's your plan of attack? To be Santa Claus? We are Santa Claus. You have to be Santa Claus. How are you going to give gifts to kids? Yeah. What are you going to do? You can do whatever you want. Myself personally, I'm going to play

PlayStation 4. Someone's getting it. So I'm going to take it and go home with it. Uh huh. And play all the rest of my life. Why wouldn't all of us choose that answer? What's fun is... Well, not PlayStation 4. Just not do it.

No one's going to do it. What's fun is also mommy kissing Santa under the Christmas tree. Always my fantasy. Is that your fantasy? Toe bang a bunch of fucking mommies

under the Christmas tree. So you're not saying that you would dress up as Santa and trick your own mother into kissing you beneath a mistletoe? Oh, for sure that. It's been years since I've gotten some of her fluff stuff and gotten her fucking goon biscuit.

It's just end of... I just wanted to... So what you describe as your mother's vagina is a goon biscuit. It's a goon biscuit. Some of her fucking British cinnamon. So I'm going to fucking slip down on her and now I'm going to get some other mothers

from a different fucking mother. Eat on their goon biscuits. It's going to be great. Do you fantasize about your aunts as well? Huh? Your mother's sisters? My mother has only a brother. Oh, okay.

And I have thought about cutting his cock off and fucking on in it. They're having sex with his newly formed goon biscuits. But that's not even right because he's just still a dude. So I can never finish when I'm thinking about that. What about your dad? Does he have any sisters? All right? I don't want it. No. We should be done with it. What about your dad? Does he have any? He does have some

sisters but my dad is like just get him drunk and make him go to sleep. And the same thing with his whole fucking family. Yeah it looks like Holden. Yeah. He doesn't have her tits. So Holden wants to eat this mother's goo. So I'm going to eat a bunch of moms

and then get a PlayStation 4 and go to my place and rip it open alone as fuck. That's nice. Alright. That's an idea. It is an idea technically.

It is an idea. Kevin, what are you doing, Santa Claus? Well, it's simple, man. It's justice. Okay? All right. Justice has come up. It's I and I.

Okay, if you're Santa Claus, you've got to travel to every house in the world, right? Deliver all these presents. Yeah. How do you do that? Theoretically, you have control of time. Theoretically, yeah. Stop it, speed it up, slow it down, turn it back. End of space as well.

Yeah. So, me being Santa Claus for the night, I had a goal in high school, right? When I was on the track team. And that goal was, I was going to take an unflushed dookie in every toilet at the high schools. All the high schools in Palm Beach County. So, what I would do is set the clock back about 13 years, get back in those high schools,

take dumps at all the high schools in Palm Beach County, leave them, fuck Christmas. Wow, dumps in high schools. That can't be beat. Kissel, what is your fucking brilliant stratagem? Is it for a new sweater? No, I love this sweater. It fits me.

It's too ivory beige. I don't know what it is. I haven't washed it in ten years. But it's nice. It needs to be blue. Yeah, people really seem to enjoy it. Or they always compliment it. But by compliments, I mean they always make fun of it.

Let's see. If I was Santa Claus, I would give kids guns. No, that's not good. No, yeah, we gotta go with that now. Yeah, so you give kids a bunch of guns. And then what? Everyone always complains about the younger generation,

so maybe you just give all the kids guns and then you just have them shoot each other and then we're the only ones left? I don't know. And then you don't have to have Christmases anymore. Santa can take the time off. And then I can listen to the radio and Katy Perry won't be playing because her demographic has been murdered.

Mm-hmm. Yeah. You know, maybe if I was Santa Claus... If you were Santa Claus, you would kill all the children. Kill all the children. Well, then I'd have a lot less work to do the next year. Okay. Maybe...

No, that's fine. There'd be a lot of new children, I bet. Yeah. Well, you can always have a new one. Those are just babies. They're easy. Yeah, they don't know. Stomp them out.

Gotta go to Moe's. Gotta go to Moe's. Yeah. I'd buy all my gifts at Modell's. I love Modell's. It's one of the better sporting stores around. So, Ben, just so you know, there are 74.2 million children in America alone. That's great.

So that'll be a heavy death toll. Okay. Yeah, so, you know, get them to fight. The ultimate serial killer, Santa Claus. Holocaust. Yeah, Jackie. Child Holocaust. Jackie, what is your fucking suggestion?

Take it easy. Now, mine's like a polite mistress after all that, by the way. Guns and socks and random basketballs. I got more levity in my corner. I'm using it as a fucking joyride. I'm going to take the sleigh. I'm going to go to every bar I've ever wanted to go in the entire fucking world. And I'm just going to get drunk.

And in my head, the sleigh is modeled after the Santa Claus starring Tim Allen. Where there's also hot chocolate given and cookies. And I can play whatever music I want to play. So I'm just going to use it as a joyride that the reindeer take me from place to fucking place. And then I'm going to meet a bunch of people and put them in the sleigh. We're going to go all around the world. And we're going to fucking sleigh. We're going to eat cookies, be covered and we're going to fucking sleigh. We're going to eat cookies,

be covered in fucking chocolate and just be wasted. And we're going to show up. We're just going to land on the roofs of bars, go in and be like, we have a sleigh upstairs and have everyone come up. Everyone will be excited. We'll be drinking for free all night. I'm just going to have a great time. Then I'm going to leave the sleigh in fucking Siberia.

Who cares? You can't drive a truck. The thing is, the reindeer are no longer relevant. No, the reindeer drive the sleigh. No, but I'm saying New Santa Claus, no reindeer. What do you mean? That's true. There's a New Santa Claus out there. There's no reindeer with the New Santa Claus markings. You can Google it.

What are you talking about? There is a new movement to get the reindeer out of the Santa Claus tradition. Why? Because it's animal abuse. Is this PETA? These are special fucking deer. I swear to God I read a story about it. They are magically

spirited to guide the Santa Claus. I read a story about it. I think you dreamed this. I didn't dream it. It's not in the internet. It is on the internet. The reindeers are out of the Christmas equation and Santa Claus. Have you seen Santa Claus 2? Yeah, I saw

all of them. The second one's pretty good too. Reindeer aren't even real, right? What I'm saying is reindeer are real. Where are they from? Up. Yeah. Up. Just up. Yeah, man. Not here, they're up. People eat reindeer.

Really? Oh, yeah. I know normal deer. Eskimes. What are they called? Orienzels. No, they're not called Eskimos anymore. Ed, you look the most like you could be Santa.

Marcus, am I right? Marcus, what are they called? What? About the reindeer? About them. What about them? They're no longer allowed to be with Santa Claus? No, I mean, I can see something about PETA complaining about two years ago about it.

Yeah, that's what I read. By the way, reindeer is just another word for caribou. Oh, okay. I like caribou. Caribou's cool. Would have been fun if there were kangaroos and you just kind of hopped everywhere. All right. What do you call an Eskimo, Marcus?

Inuit. You can't say Eskimo anymore, it's Inuit. Why? Inuit sounds worse. Eskimo, that would probably... Sounds like idiot. Inuit idiot. It comes from a moron rapist.

Like innuendo. Like sexual innuendo Yeah Man They're gonna shut us down If I was Santa Claus Um I guess

First of all March about that shit Ed No No rich kids get Presents First of all Fuck rich kids They get no presents

They get dukes They get Pieces of shit Ooh duking out man Duking them Duking them for all Yeah alright All the rich kids are getting dukes Bo, man. Duking them. Duking them for all of them. Duke them up. Yeah, all right. All the rich kids are getting dukes.

Boca Raton, dukies. All across. Man, I hated those fucking kids' presents. I'm sure. Oh, my God. So aggravating. I got decent presents. These kids got great presents.

Fuck these fucking kids. They're getting dukey. All right. Reindeer, keep them. Sled, put a top on it. What is a reindeer? Reindeer's just a car, essentially, at this point. It doesn't make sense.

It's probably getting snowed on all the time. Yeah, I know. It's ridiculous. You're driving around the whole fucking world. It's a convertible. It's Christmas. You use it in the summer. It doesn't make any sense.

I don't think Santa Claus gets cold. I mean, he lives in... I don't know. I'll put a top on it. Not Tim Allen Santa Claus. Yeah, Ed's going to get cold. Yeah, stoned. Do it stoned., stoned. I'd do it stoned. I'd be really stoned.

And the whole time just have a vape going in the fucking sled. Yeah, bro. This kid sees you and is like, Oh yeah, this fucking toy's cool, man. Rock and roll. And then a poor kid comes up to me and is like, Oh yeah, your life sucks tonight. You can't laugh at them.

You're Santa. So Santa does. He laughs. You can't laugh at them. You're Santa. Oh, it did. So Santa does. He laughs. Not with, not at. At rich kids, yes. Oh, at rich kids. Yeah, poor kids, they get whatever they want.

Okay. They get whatever they want. And then, you know, I'm not going to go to China. No, I already knew that. You're not going to China? No, well, there's no Santa in China. There's a Santa in China. They have something Santa in China. No. They have something else. It's different. So, you know, you get that.

I mean, there's a couple guys you gotta hit, but you know, they're fine. You know, and they're probably assholes to everyone else around them. Just like, well, you believe in Santa Claus? Remember Feed the World? And, yeah, and I think that's about it. I wouldn't change too much. I would take a year off here and there and make

gifts more valuable, make Christmases more important. Like the Olympics. So you'd be the closest to actually being Santa. I think so. He's the only one that has been Santa so far. The rest of you are just acting like psychopaths. You only gotta work one night a year. It's one night a year you

gotta work. That's it. There's a bunch of different we gotta make the presents, create the game. You don't do none of that. Yeah, the elves do all that. Elves do all that shit. You have to be ahead of it.

No, you actually don't. You just get ahead of Elf and just have him do everything. All you do is beat some caribou once a year and you throw some shit down. All right. All right.

So what are we doing, Marcus? Ed wins by default. He was the only one who was Santa Claus. I brought Christmas to drunks. I was giving drunks to kids. He was the only one who was Santa Claus. I brought Christmas to drunks. And drunks don't usually have Christmas. It was justice, dude. Justice, guns for kids.

Holden's was a terrible idea. Yours wasn't justice. You're just taking dumps in high school. And you call that not justice? By the way, you would have to slow time down for a good two months in order to produce that many Dukes? No, not at all. No, Santa Claus. Santa Claus, dude.

That's the first thing. Second of all, have a little faith, dude. Believe in me. I agree. You know what? I'm going to throw this onto mine. I would only give presents to Jewish kids so everybody would be confused as fuck. Oh, that's a great idea.

You can't add it, though. It's all done. The game's done. Eddie won because he's fat, looks like Santa, and you are the best Santa Claus, Eddie. Thank you. Well, that's been the Roundtable of Gentlemen. That's Eddie and Holden and Kevin and Jackie, and I'm Ben. That's Marcus. Let's see. Twitter,

follow us on that. I haven't done that in a while. You got us to start tweeting. Eddie, you're doing well on Twitter. I'm trying. I don't know what I'm doing. At MurderFist42069. I'm at Ben Kissel. Oh, we got to change it now?

It's a fat boy barnet, and that's at Marcus Parks. It's Christmas after all. P.M. Well, I got this. Come to the Murder Murder for Christmas show. It's on the 20th. 12, 20 at 11 p.m. this Saturday. Yeah.

At the pit. That'll be a lot of fun. Henry gonna be there. Henry's coming back. Do they know it's Christmas is the most offensive song that's ever been made? It's so awful.

I can't believe they made it. Because a lot of those people aren't Christian and they don't give a flying... It's Gelfand. You know Feed the World? No. Oh, it's the worst. It's when they got together

to raise money for awareness of like African kids for Christmas and they're like, oh dude it's Christmas after all. This is why we know. It was 1984. Bob Geldof put it down. Geldof is such a piece of shit. Heal the world. Everyone knows the song.

Fuck Bob Geldof. He just asked everyone to delete and re-download the special so people could buy it twice. Oh, he doesn't have the balls to make a new one, Geldof? He's a bitch. He did make a new one.

Oh, he did? Yeah, that was the whole thing. He asked people to delete it and re-download it so they could get double the money. And none of that money went to help any poor kids. Who'd he book?

Who'd he get? Oh, who gives a shit? Bono and Bono's Bottle. The first one, yeah, it was like Phil Collins. That's good. Let's see here. Sting. Simon Lebon from Duran Duran. Alright. What do you mean?

Bono, James Taylor. Man, Bono's a mess. Everyone loves James Taylor. Yeah, Bono's about to die. He's not gonna die. He's just never gonna be cool again, which is fine with me. Two people from Bananarama. Oh, Bananarama's great of cool in the gang all in the gang sting get down on it boy george paul mccartney boy george is still alive this is an 84 but yes he is oh isn't that something also and david bowie oh all right we got bowie and buzz skaggs too i thought i saw there

you see buzz no i didn't i thought i just can't read from this far away no buzz you just wanted And David Bowie. Oh, all right. We got Bowie and Boz Skaggs, too, I thought I saw there. You see Boz? No, I didn't. I thought I just can't read from this far away. No, Boz. You just wanted to see Boz Skaggs. That's his reading disability. He just reads Boz Skaggs every now and then. Boz Skaggs, Boz.

I hate this book. It sounds like Boz Skaggs. Also, tomorrow night at 10 p.m., if you guys want to listen in, we're going to do Brighter Side Live, and I'm going to play some funk afterwards. Or on Monday night. Monday. Yeah. Yeah, Monday night. Oh, that's because they're going to get it tomorrow. Or some people are getting it. So Monday night at 10pm we're going to do Brighter Side Live and I'm going to play

some funk and get drunk and hang out. I gotta go peep. Goodbye, everybody. Alright, everyone. We'll talk to you soon.